Two-Day Pity Parties with Phoebe Robinson

the people that did that. I really appreciate the love. And this tour has been awesome. We're adding new cities. We're adding l A. We just announced uh Mauie, Philly, Pittsburgh. We're adding a second show in Portland, and we have second shows up for Seattle, Winnipeg, Vancouver, Toronto, all of those places, and we are continuing to add dates. So make sure you go to Chelsea handler dot com to come see the People's Choice Award winning Vaccinated at Horny Tour.

That's so I never win awards. I mean, well, I guess I do know, yeah, I mean exactly. We'll put that out in I don't know I'm nominated for a Grammy. You guys, I got nominated for a Grammy for my last special resolution for Best Comedy Album. It's O I cannot tell you the amount of emails we got about Evolution, Like of course it's the most recent one, but also people mentioned your other books and your other specials, but like this one, it's like it just touched so many

people so deeply. Oh, I love that so much. That's so meaningful to me. Thank you. I mean, I woke up. We were in Hawaii for Thanksgiving, Joe and me, and then I woke up and I was like, my agent, Heidi was like, You've been nominated for a Grammy And I was like, I wrote back for what And she's like, for Best Comedy Album for Evolution with HBO Max. And I was like, Joe, I've been nominated for a Grammy and He's like what I mean? So that was really

fucking awesome and I'm so excited. I mean, ever since Joe Coy came into my life, it's just been raining goodness. That's so wonderful. But it's also because you did the work and you leveled up and like all the good things were trickling in. Oh yeah, it feels really good. Thank you. I'm feeling really good that I dove deep into myself because the payoff doesn't come right away, but you see the results when you start to see them, you really see them. And and and yeah, it feels

good to have done all of that stuff. Yeah, that's so good. Good, thank you. I'm very excited for today. Yeah, we have a very special guest. This girl is well, she's not a girl, she's a woman. But I like to call all my female friends girls because it keeps us young. She's a stand up comedian as well. She's an actress, she's a producer, she's a writer, she's got her own production company. She just came out with her new HBO Max special which was called Sorry Harriet Tubman,

so please check that out. And her most recent book is called Please Don't Sit on My Bed in Your Outside Clothes. And her name is Phoebe Robinson. So welcome Phoebe Robinson. Thank you for having me, Chelsea Handler. This is great. I'm excited. Oh, I'm excited to see you. I know we just met recently. Well, we've met online on on Instagram, d m NG and stuff over the

course of some months. But I had read one of your previous books, and you came to my show at the Beacond recently with your lover, who you talk about in your book Please don't sit on my bed in

your outside clothes. You talk a lot about him, and a lot about how different you guys are from each other and what a successful relationship you are experiencing, which I found very inspiring and I think helpful for a lot of people to hear about, because you guys started out in a situation where it was a long distance and not looking very hopeful considering his career trajectory as

well as your own. Yeah, I mean he so he works in music, he travels all the time, and when I met him in ten I didn't want to date, and I certainly didn't want to date like a tour manager for rock bands. I'm like, okay, so this guy is gonna like cheat on me, like do whatever, like who cares? And we just really hit it off, like I never expected to end up with a British guy.

He's a little bit younger than me, four years younger, which I don't even know if that really counts as anything, but he's so great and honestly, like we do couples therapy like once every three months, just to like I feel like people don't want to talk about that, and just like your relationship is just supposed to be perfect, and it's like, no, it's not like it's two different people who have like different thoughts, different upbringings, different everything.

It's you really have to be like all we're gonna like constantly check in and work on each other. But he's so amazing, he's so funny, and he's a much better person than me. So I really hit the jack box with him. Did you not want to date anybody at that time in your life or were you just to everything? So I was what about to turn thirty three, and I was just I come out of a long term relationship in which I thought I was going to

marry that guy and then didn't happen. What happened there, it was just like it was so it was a lot of things, Like I think it just sort of like we were just growing apart differently, and like, to be fair, in my career at the time, was not anything to like write home about. Like I got like a writing job on this like crappy show and few TV that like no one watched and like the Tito Queen's podcast is about to come out, but he felt like a little like threatened by and I was like, dude,

it's a podcast. It doesn't mean like my life is gonna Like I'm not like a famous person having a podcast. I'm like a broke comic having a podcast. It's like not the same thing. But he just sort of felt weird about it, and he was like, I don't want to be in your shadow, and I was like, there's no shadow there. Look at my bank account, there is no shadow. So I didn't work out. And then after that, I was like so thirsty. It was so desperate. I

was like I need to find a new boyfriend. And then I got to a point where I was just like, girl, why are you so desperate to like being another relationship. So I was like, Okay, I'm just gonna take the next year to be by myself, figure out what who I am in my thirties now because I started dating this guy when I was in my twenties and just really sort of figure out like what do I want the next ten years of my life to be? And

of course I mean my boyfriend. Like three months after I made that declaration here we are and here you are, guys, and and he and your your schedules aren't easy to work around. I mean, if it hadn't been for COVID, you guys wouldn't have been forced to spend that much time together. Yeah, in I would say we probably spent like thirty five thirty six weeks apart. Like it's just it's tough, you know, like you travel all the time

and it's a grind. And so then with COVID and everything, we really had to like be around each other all day every day. And I love him and he loves me. But I think I'm a person who really needs their alone time to sort of like disn't work on myself. So I read this book called Quiet by Susan Caine, which is amazing and talked about like introverse extroverts, and

I'm an ambiverse, I'm accommodation both. So when I'm around a lot of people, like I get my energies range, so I really need just like holl away for a while and they come back out. And so he was just like, oh, this is great. I could be around you like all the time. And I was like, I don't think I feel that way about anyone. That's how

I am. I can relate to that a lot. I'm anna hamb avert, but I also can relate to I feel sucked dry when I you know, when I perform, if I have shows, like the next day, I need to be alone in my bed. It's not out and about. It's like if it's a big energy suck for me, which is something I didn't recognize earlier on in my life, which is why I would, you know, my battery would run out so frequently, because I wasn't mindful of the fact that how much you're expending versus how much you

know and other people who don't feel this way. If you're listening, it's like it's a performance thing for sure, if you're a performer. And you know, I tried to explain to my girlfriends all the time, like if I go to a dinner and I feel like it's it's expected of me to be entertaining, it's expected of me to be the life of the party, and you know, I when I explained that to my girlfriend sometimes when I'm like, I don't want to go to this thing because I feel the onus, She'll be like, but no

one's expecting that from you. I'm like, it doesn't matter if you say that or not. I'm expecting it from me. You know, it's my condition. So I have to dismantle that from my own behavioral you know behavior. It's hard because you're you're a really funny person. So everyone is going to be like, oh, I was at this event and Chelsea healing, and she was really funny, you know, like you just you just know that people are thinking that even if they're not saying it. Let's just be real.

So how did it work? So tell us a little bit how you acclimated to spending all that one on one time with him. Her partner is a tour manager, and he wants to do that for the you know, for the next ten years of his life, right or now. He's like, I think, I think he wants to do one more tour in that he's done. It's like, I

want to be home. That's more reasonable. So but with that, those expectations were not that you would ever be in the same city for more than a you know, a twenty four hour thirty six hour period unless it was a holiday. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So we went from like that where it's like everything feels romantic and it feels like a vacation because it's just three days together, so everyone's in their best behavior. And then it's just like we're quarantining together. It's like, I'm a gassy person. I

want to let it rip. I want my alone time. He wants to, you know, play video games with his friends over in the UK, and we were quarantining a two bedroom apartment, which is a great size, but in New York that's kind of tight. There's no balcony, so

it was just we were constantly around each other. So there are moments where I just had to be like, Okay, I need my alone time, and so I would just go into a room with a cup of tea and just like read a book or scroll on my phone or watch like Sex in the City in the bath and just like have that little bit of time apart. But it was definitely it was definitely hard, and we had to sort of figure out our rhythm because I like, um, I didn't really know this is about me, but I

like kind of a quiet home. And he would like wake up at like eight in the morning and put on like Band of Brothers, like he loves War were two movies, and so would just be fucking machine gun firing for like an hour. I'm like, I'm on a zoom. I just I was like, you need to turn this ship held down. So it was a lot of that, but we we figured out. But definitely we had to be like, Okay, I need this, I need this. You're cranky. You can't be cranky like this much because we're around

each other all the time. And I was like, all right, yeah, i mean, if my boyfriend wakes up with a loud voice, I'm like, shut the funk up. I'm like morning voice, morning voices. You know, I don't like loud volumes in the morning. I don't either, it's too much. I'm like, I'm like, there's no reason you need to talk to me before eleven am, which I realized is kind of extreme. So I like dial to back, yeah, and video games

and sports to me, video game. The sound of video games and the sound of sporting events in the background makes my vagina close up. I'm just I cannot fucking handle constant a sports announcement on in the background. It just reminds me of everything about my childhood that was depressing. About a Sunday so day football games, having to go back to school and having everyone just sit like a bunch of couch potatoes on the couch watching football all

fucking day long. So that's why I don't like sports. Everybody, have you ever been to a Formula one race? He got me into Formula one and it's so fun. I bet I could. I could get into it, I could get into a specific natue, I could. I How many times have you been to one of those? When two weekends ago in Austin there was like a hundred and forty thousand people there, so we of course got tested when we came back because I was fucking wild. But

I was never really into the sport. I was like, oh, I like Louis Hamilton's he's hot, he's black, a one whim and then he would always like watch it every Sunday and I would just fall asleep to the race because like the car into like really good a SMR. And then we went to actual race and got to see everyone. I was really impressed, and I was like, oh, shoot, this is a really hard sport and I'm super into

it now. And what is a SMR stand for? Just like it's a soothing sound like just here, like oh, and then I would just like, we'll asleep to that on Sundays. Yeah, okay, that's like me putting on my rain machine at night, a machine to drown out Joe Koi's seapap machine because he has sleep at me. So

he goes into a submarine every night. He has to put this mouth guard over his mouth and turn it on, and it sounds like a very low level storm, and so then I have to up that so that I'm not listening to that, and I put on my little rain app which is like thunderstorm or you know, hurricane whatever you're interested in listening to. But is there any cure for sleep apnea? Yeah, well you could get surgery.

He has a special kind. We're gonna go to the doctor together when we get home to l A, because I need to talk to his doctor directly since I'm also a medical professional. But he claims that he has the type of sleep apnea that there's nothing he can do anything about. You can get surgery, but it requires your mouth being wired shuck for like two to three weeks. So you know, obviously people aren't app to get that.

Men will be barely even use that fucking machine because they're just like, oh no, you know, it's a weakness, but like without it, he couldn't sleep, and you're just you know, with that when someone has bad sleep apnea, if you if you've ever been with anyone who's had it, it sounds like somebody is dying right next to you because they lose their breath and then they wake themselves up because they're they're they're choking, so it's like like you, their stomach goes in in and then it's a gasp.

So it's very un you know, it's not very cooperative. So you definitely need to use a c PAP machine because then he sleeps like a baby, and that's what I wanted to do, is sleep like a baby. In your book, also you talk a lot about which I think is is really critical because there aren't a lot of blueprints for how to be a black female boss, entrepreneur,

captain of your own ship. And you talk a lot about that and you break it down how it works for you and all the work that isn't involved in having your own imprint, in having your own production company and also being the guiding force of your very own career. So what are some of the things something that has helped you that you've learned on your own you didn't necessarily learn by reading about somebody else. One of the things that so I started going to therapy like a

little over a year ago. And when I started going, it was just because I was during COVID. I was just like, my whole personality has just working. Now, wake up, work, go to sleep like I did. That was the only way I could cope. And I was just sort of like, oh, this is not healthy. To let me go. And one of the biggest things that I'm currently working through is I go to my therapist and I'm like, oh, you know, like we're all a family here, and I feel like

the mom and blah blah blah. And she was like, y'all are not family and I was like no, but it's like a you know, like we're all like we spend time together. And she's like, you are not family, Like you need to make this professional. So one of the things that I've been working on is compassionate detachment.

Is that what it's called, I think that's what it's called, where it's just me not me, just establishing boundaries and just being like I can be professional and that doesn't mean that I'm being a bit because I think I was so worried about like as a black woman. I'm like, I don't want anyone to think that I'm angry or that I'm mad at them, and so like I'm going to like go above and beyond and being like really cheery and like being super nurturing so everyone knows that

I'm cool and like I'm not this horrible person. And she was just like, you need to be professional. If you're going to be a boss. You can't be here trying to be everyone's best friend making sure everyone likes you. She's like, not, everyone's gonna like you. And that's just a part of it. And you know, sometimes it is hard for me to just be like I want to fix this thing or do this thing for another person,

but I have to sort of reel it back. I'm the kind of person or a friend where I'm I will bend over backwards for other people, and I have to sort of be like, you don't have to do that for every single person. You could be a little more sort of discerning about it. But it's hard because when you're I don't know if you ever felt this.

I mean, you have been a boss for so long, you're like so fucking dope, But like, did you ever have those moments where you were like, I want to do X y Z, but I'm I'm afraid to do it because I'm not sure if people are gonna like me afterwards. I think it falls into the same category, Like it's just it's about people pleasing you, know what I mean, It's what you how you are in your life when you want people to like you and you want people to respect you, and that bleeds over when

you do become a boss of something. You also that those characteristics are the same. Like, if you're relying on people to like you like you're you're not going to be the most efficacious boss, because that's not how it works. It's not a popularity contest. People are working for you for a reason and they have to deliver a product too. You know, there's you can be cool and you can be fun, but whenever we over extend ourselves, it's like we don't get what we want. We ended up just

depleting our own energy resources. And that's something that I learned a long time ago. My my shortness or shortcoming is more that, you know, I just like I like to just funk off, you know. I like to have a lot of people around me and get very little work done. You know, I'm a bad influence in that way because I'm not really you know, professional, and so I like to just get down to business when I'm

there and it's my time. But when it's you know, when everybody's around an office all day, I couldn't have probably set a worse example on how to behave because I just wanted. I wanted to have fun and I

wanted everyone to have a good time. I wasn't as concerned with everybody liking me as I was concerned with everybody having a good time, um and wanting to be at that place of work, not because it ended up in a better bottom line, but because it ended up in a really fun place to be, you know, because I remember being on you know, even as far back as Chelsea Lately, like I'd be so excited to get into work, I'd go in early because it was just

like one big fraternity house, you know. And then I remember doing my Netflix show a couple of years ago, and the vibe wasn't like that, it wasn't fun because I wasn't in it anymore. I was just like, how little of time can I spend at this place? You know, like I would literally go in for my hair and makeup. You approve all these ideas, go watch the edit, do that ship, but get out as quickly as possible. And that's also a bad way to behave as a boss.

So I think we're always all learning, but it's your personality that drives how you are going to be in a rational environment, and it's a much different thing. And I think as a black woman, for you you will tell me, but I think it's it's even more pressure because you want to set an example and you want to be the person that people are going to respect and look to for advice and so on and so forth.

That's for any woman, but especially a woman of color, there's a there's a lot more I would imagine pressure on your shoulders. Absolutely. Like one of my former assistants, she was like, I've never worked for a black person before. She was like, all my bosses have been white. Most

have been like white dudes. And she's like, I'm really am sort of like curious about this new experience and it's just sort of one of those things where it's like, well, now there's this weird sort of pressure that I have to sort of like represent or behave in a certain way, you know what I mean. It's just the cold get tricky at times. It's like I just want to do the job, and I just want to be able to sort of like say what I need to say and not worry like, oh, is this not making the environment

not fun? Or oh is this like me being boss in a way that's not going to make people feel good? But I just am getting to a place where I have to sort of trust myself and go, you know what,

I don't need to second and guess myself. I know what I'm doing and I'm paying the bills, and I should be allowed to express my opinions because of that, and also be open to people's feedback, right, Like that's that's really the best you can do is to hear when somebody's telling you something, or something rubs somebody the wrong way, then of course then you should be there for that. You should always be open to hearing feedback

and making adjustments. Right, Because none of us are fully cooked, and none of us are done growing or evolving or understanding our power. But the most important thing to do is to trust your instincts and is to operate from you know, the source of your power. Who are you? Why is your personality strong? How did you You're the reason you got here in the first place. Right, You're the reason you're in this position. So all of that data is backed up by the virtue of you having

this opportunity. And that's something that I think women forget a lot, and they have to remember. You know, you're in the position. You're in because of you, not because somebody did you a favor. Oh, there we go that. And on that note, Katherine, should we take some callers? Absolutely, Now, let's take a quick break and we'll come back and get to some callers. We'll be right back. Well, we'll

be right back. Okay, welcome back everybody. So we're here with Phoebe Robinson and Catherine and we're going to take some callers or some write ins. You know that. I'm always confused about how this podcast works. I don't know if people are alive or if they're writing. But Catherine's in charge of that, so I abdicate all of my responsibilities to her. It's I was a fun surprise for you. So our first email, just an email, comes from Kayla. She says, Dear Chelsea, I'm a twenty eight year old

heterosexual woman. For as long as I can remember, I've known that I do not want to change my last name if and when I get married. I strongly identify with my father's side of the family and feel connected to my maiden name. On top of this connection, the tradition of changing a woman's name is so deeply rooted in the patriarchy that I struggled to think of it outside this framing, and not for nothing. It's also a

pain in the ass to legally change your name. My question is when's the right time to tell my current boyfriend that I don't want to change my name. We've been together for a few months, and I could definitely see myself marrying him if our relationship continues to grow as it has been so far. I know that he feels the same way, but I worry that if I bring it up too soon, it'll freak him out or make him think I'm looking for a proposal a SAP,

which I'm not. In my last relationship, I told my ex at about seven months of dating It came up pretty naturally in conversation, and I didn't think twice about telling him at the time, but he was very upset and told me he felt that I had been hiding something from him by waiting so long to tell him. I would like to avoid a repeat of that scenario, but I don't want to freak out my current partner by telling him too soon. So when's the right time? Best Hala, Oh, it's Kayla on the phone. She's not

she's not. But I think this would be such a good one for you to talk about with with Phoebe, because that's like right up for ally Phoebe. Yeah, I'm not changing my last name. I I told my boyfriend maybe like a year and I was like, I will never change my last name for a man, and he was like, okay, I mean I I even have a problem, you know. I struggled with this, like with the concept of marriage, because I just think it's such a construct

created by men to control women. So even the construct of marriage is I have I just bristle at it because of course I want to marry my boyfriend. I because it's important to him, and I love him and and he's worth marrying, but like, I don't want to be a married woman, you know what I mean, I don't want to be somebody who's married because I feel a responsibility to not get married to say, like, you can achieve all of this without the without that, but

that that personal feelings about marriage aside. It's not an uncommon thing to keep your maiden name, to keep your birth name, your father's name, whatever. So your ex boyfriend sounds like an idiot, so to disregard him, and I just think the natural time to bring it up, isn't that the next time marriage comes up in the conversation in a very warm, calm, you know, loving way, Like just so you know, my father's name means so much to me that I would never feel comfortable changing my name.

It has nothing to do with our relationship. In fact, I really have thought about this because I want to marry you so much or whatever. You know. Your version of that is because it sounds like you do want to marry him, and you said you did that. You know. It's just it's a totally reasonable, acceptable thing to say to somebody, and you don't have to bring it up prematurely.

Just wait until the time is right. I think we always have these ideas in our head that we have to have these conversations, like when when just because you thought of it doesn't mean it needs to happen right away. And I feel you could also sort of test the waters. If you're still kind of scared, you can maybe just talk about others s of like relationship things are kind of like milestones for you guys, just to see if he's even on the same page as you in terms

of seeing this as a long term relationship. But definitely don't shy away from it. Like, like Chelsea said, it's not an uncommon thing to keep your maiden name, and if it means that much to you, he will respect that. If he doesn't respect that, then he's out the door straight out exactly. If he doesn't respect that, then there's no question there, you know, Like what he's going to force you to change your name, that's the man you're

gonna marry. I doubt it. What was your boyfriend's reaction when you told him that he was totally fine with it? Like he doesn't like, we're in the we don't want to have kids sort of thing, and I don't know, we just sort of wanna live life in a our own sort of way, and we were talking about getting married. He was like, oh, I'm gonna ask your father for your hand in marriage, and I was like, what's Like, who cares? And then he was like, I think your

dad will care. So I just I'm going to do it for your dad and no, it doesn't mean anything to you, but he's like, it would be a nice thing to do for your dad. And I was like all right, but I'm We're going back and forth about it where I'm just sort of like I don't know, Like I don't want to wear white. I'm thirty seven. I don't want to wear white and walk down I'm being a churl, Like I just don't want to do

any of that. So we're trying to figure out like do we just want to do like a backyard thing, Like I don't know, I just wanted to feel, like you said, not like the patriarchy, just sort of like I love this person and that's it. And also just the wedding industry that the capitalistic nonsense of. Like I said to Joe, I'm like, listen, we can talk about being married, but like I'm not walking around with a rock on my finger, like that is embarrassing for me,

and I'm never going to participate in that way. You know, It's got to be something low key and it's not going to be like an engagement ring. I don't want you getting on your knee, which he would totally do and all of the things. But yeah, all of a sudden, I feel the pressure of like, just this idea, because that's the next step. That's the way you demonstrate the most love. And it's like, well, then what do we

do after we're married? You know? An I guess, but you got you know what I did it anal on the first date with my boyfriend. Really, that's the way. It's just like, listen, who cares. I think people are getting warming up to anal a lot more than they used to, because it's just another orifice that you should be you know, using why not why as they say in Espana, know exactly. Okay, Well I hope that helps you. Yeah, let us know what happened, follow up with us, and yeah,

you hold onto your maiden name. That's yours, and that's yours, that's your family, and that's your history, so stick with it. Yep, problem solved. It sounds like to me. It sounds like a so Our next question comes from Sarah. We have her on the line. She works at a community center and her boyfriend is in tech. Dear Chelsea, I feel like my relationship is in a constant power struggle due to my boyfriend making significantly more money than I do.

We split almost every monthly bill, including mortgage and groceries, but the expensive things like the house, the furniture, the TV, and many flights and hotels are all paid for by him. In theory, that would be fine, but there are times he uses it against me. He'll say that he pays for more stuff and makes it seem like that's a valid reason for him to make more decisions. We aren't married, but lived together and have been dating for four years.

I want to be in an equal partnership, but find it difficult when he is the one who can afford everything and therefore calls a lot of the shots. I do think he should pay for more because he makes so much more money, but I also want to be equitable and have just as many choices in what we do with our life together. Are we doomed to fight about money forever? Sarah Hi, Sarah Hi, Hi, This is Phoebe too, so get a little bit more specific. Does he kind of hold it over your head? No, I

wouldn't say that. I know it kind of sounds like that, but I think it's more just like specifically financial decisions, likes about like what we buy like in our house and strictly financial stuff really that he's like, well if I'm paying for of it, Like I think he thinks his voke sort of holds more weight, you know, Okay, And you don't feel that way obviously, Yeah, I mean I feel like I kind of have to argue for things that I want, like I really need like a

new dishwasher, and he's like, no, we don't. It works fine, we don't need one. Like I have to kind of fight for like all of those types of things, and it sort of makes me feel like I don't have as much of a voice, I guess when it comes to that kind of stuff. And even though I'm probably never going to make as much money as he does, I still just want to feel like it's fifty fifty with the stuff that we do together, the things that

are in our house. I don't want it to feel like it's his house and I'm living in it, you know what I mean, absolutely shouldn't feel that way because it's a partnership. You're in a partnership, and however much money one person makes isn't what a partnership is about. So him holding the kind of persetings in that way isn't hot or sexy, and you will only build resentment

over that over a course of a long relationship. I just had this conversation with a woman three weeks ago, and she was just like, my husband made all the decisions in our marriage because he made all the money and I had never had to say in anything, and she's sick of it, and she left him, and he doesn't know what the funk to do. And I even when I told him, I'm like, she's resentful of the fact that you were in control of everything. We all have a voice. You know, how much money you make

doesn't define your value in a relationship. So that's a sentence you might want to write down to make sure that you bring up when you have a normal, calm conversation with him, because it is very archetypal for people men specifically to think that they have more control because they make more money, and we're just not living in that time anymore where that's acceptable when you're a free thinking person and you are well aware of your own value and self worth and that it has nothing to

do with how much money you make. Yeah, I think that because I am the brever or my relationship and Bay is totally fine with that. But like, if you're not both making the same amount of money one or both, you might feel a little whatever about that. And so it's good to have open communication about that and for him to sort of also voice what he's thinking about it, and then he can if he even just says what he's thinking of, Oh, well, I think it should make

all decisions because I make more money. Just him saying that, he might go, oh, Ship, I can't believe that's how I actually feel. And then he might go, oh, I need to unpack that. Not we, but he needs to

unpack like how he feels. Like that creates a hierarchy in the relationship instead of being equal, because like Chelsea said, like you don't want to resent him, and he shouldn't be walking around like it's like the nineteen twenties where he's making all the decisions, because it's not, and like he both brings so many things to the relationship, and my boyfriend brings so much of the relationship that is not related to money, and you bring so much relationship

that has nothing to do with money. And it's like that adds value. That's a contribution, and that should be recognized as well. And he should also respect your contributions and bow down to you for all the great things that you bring to make the relationship special. Right, and reminding him of those things isn't a bad idea, you know, sitting down and just evaluating, like what your qualities are, your attributes with regard to your relationship is an important reminder.

And a lot of men are stuck in their roles as men, and they needed to be reminded by us, the closest people to them, and sometimes with very gentle prodding and sometimes with very loud prodding, depending on what kind of guy that you're with. Are you guys in therapy at all or counseling of any kind? We're not. I've suggested it before, but I think and then he's like, I have to pay for it. I think he would

be open, but we're good in every other aspect. I think it's really just I think I internalize a lot of it, which I think therapy would probably help. Like, I think that it's my own security sometimes, like you're saying, like feeling like I'm not the Brent winner and maybe I'm just it's my own issue, and I think in his mind he thinks that we are equal, and like, I don't think he's intentionally trying to make me feel that way, but I don't know how to get past

feeling like that. You might also think about going to since that is kind of the crux of the issue, a financial therapist. There are also financial psychologists that could help you guys unpack like where this is coming from for him, like why he feels like he needs to make the decisions and that way, rather than going to I mean, I'm all for you know, relationship therapy and marital therapy as well, but that could be something if he's not open to just regular therapy helping you unpack

some of the financial issues around that. MM. That's a good idea. And also, you know what you're saying about internalizing it, Yes, you're right, because I'm sure you could bring it up to him and hope, like god, it'll feel that way. What do you mean we are fifty fifty, but like you know, the dishwasher example, I'm sure you

have other examples. Either way, it's important to start the dialogue communicate between the two of you so that you have an open communication, so that he understands how you're feeling about it and how his actions can impact your

feelings and vice versa. Right, so he could be oblivious to this and say, oh my god, I totally think of you as a partner, yet you're having all these emotions, he still should know that you feel this way, that you are internalizing this, that you are thinking about it in a way that makes you feel like in this way in the financial aspect of your relationship, you don't feel like it's even Stephen, and the rest of your relationship is great, and you do feel like it's equitable

in those terms. That's also worth saying to him too. I mean, start out with all the positives you know, and then give an area where you can where you would like to see some improvement, and then start from that. Starts with you. You're going to start to improve the way that you internalize it and understand your value. But he also should be made aware of it, because that's only going to bring you closer together being communicative in

that way, for sure, that's good advice. I'm definitely trying to talk to him and he does the whole like he said, like what you're talking about, so I don't know, maybe I needed to have word it. And well that's also his actions, right because he can say that, but like where his actions showing you know what I mean?

And that's where you can point him and be like, honey, even if you do feel like we're fifty fifty in this moment, you made me feel this way based on what you did, So how can we work through that so it doesn't happen again? You know? Yeah? Yeah, And I also want to point out that you mentioned that you will never make as much money as he does,

and that might not be true. You never know if he could have a lose his job in three months and not have work for a couple of months and then you're the breadwinner, or maybe you decide to change careers. But you're doing good work and we just don't know what our relationships have in store. So and look at it, it's like it's an exciting challenge to kind of face

this like it's not a huge problem. It's just a little bit of a thing, right, and like look at it as a great way to like experiment with your communication skills and also facilitate get a relationship that grows together instead of a part right, because resentment builds and that's all that's when people start to separate and they go off in their different directions. So this is a great opportunity for you to kind of model for yourself the behavior that you would like to see in your

own relationship. It doesn't have to be a burden or it doesn't have to be scary. It's like, Okay, how can I have this conversation the right way? How can I have it? So we're both on the same team. You want to remind yourself that you're on the same team. You know, you're both playing for the same team. It's not one against the other, So how can you both

take care of each other's feelings in that way? Yeah, resentment building is kind of like my biggest year because I can like ex sense that starting and so yeah, that's good advice. Well, that's what women are known for. We build resentment because we have so much to be resentful for and we have no outlet to speak about it. So this is your moment. You're living in the best time ever to be a woman and fucking tell your truth,

So start there. Another thing that might help is starting a new account where you too are sharing living expenses, and you're not sharing them evenly, but you're both putting in the same percentage of your incomes, so you know, figure out how much you need to live on depending on what expenses you're sharing. You know, maybe you don't share expenses for vacations, or maybe you do, but you share expenses for rent and for groceries and electric bill

and those sorts of things. So you figure out how much you need, and then you both put in the same percentage until it equals that amount of money. So it might be of your incomes, it might be of both of your incomes. But what that then allows you to do is even the playing field when making those decisions on what sort of stuff you're going to buy, because it's already in an account where you know the amount of money you've put in feels the same to

both of you. Even though it's not technically the same amount of money, it's the same percentage, and having an even playing field is kind of what we want, right, Okay, Well it was not good luck with everything. Let us know how it goes. Okay, keep us posted. Thank you so much, Okay, take care, thank you. It's funny. I have the exact problem with Joe Koy. He won't let me pay for anything ever, and to the point where it's like, Joe, I know I have more money than you,

and you know I have more money than you. Please, this is not about and he will not like not even like an uber draw and we don't take upers, but he won't even let me pay for anything. And we go out to dinner with my friends, he doesn't let anyone pay because he has such an ego about wanting to be the provider. And it's just so it's just so silly the way that men have that, you know, and it's going to take so long for us to

peel that away. And I find it so attractive to hear about your boyfriend who's okay with like you being the breadwinner, because that is the way of the future, you know. More men need to warm up to that idea. But I will admit that when COVID happened and he like couldn't tour anything at first, I was a little bit like, oh, I have to like pay for everything, like just just like it's sort of like not a thing that you expect or you're sort of prepared for. But it made me go like, well, what sort of

like gender hangups do I have about this? You know what I mean? And now I'm in a place where I'm like, oh, it's great. Like his contributions are like amazing. He makes our home like so loving and incredible, and it's just sort of like you have two sort of deep program kind of the what society tells you is

like what counts. Yeah, you know what. I for so long because I've been single for so long, and I was so fiercely independent and so strong minded about not ever relying on a man or his income or and in any way really even emotionally, I was stunted in that way that I couldn't rely on a man for that because I just have been disappointed by my brother or my father or whatever. And so for so long, I was always me, like the hustle was always up

to me, my family, my friends. I was in charge of that domain, you know, of our the worlds we create for ourselves, and so to come along and now be in a relationship with somebody who can contribute in that way is also a learning lesson for me because it's it's like, it's such a nice idea. It's like, oh, wait, it's not all on me. Now we're going to, you know, on Safari. We're going on some trip to Africa, and we're taking my three nieces and we're taking his son

and two of his nephews. And I was like, let's split this trip. It's crazy. And you know, of course he said yes to that. He said yeah. To his credit, he said yes to that. But I thought, oh, this is so nice that it's not all about me having to deal with everything on my own all the time. Now I forgot about that. I forgot about that element of like, oh, there's somebody else contributing. So that's yeah,

that's a nice development. That's happy here. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, what if you guys didn't get married, you just just sort of like the Kurt Russell Goldie Hawn thing. Will he be fine with that because that could be an option. He'll be fine with whatever. I'm fine with. Timately, he's very respectful of whatever. My there's part of me that wants to marry him because it will make him so happy, and it's really about I do want to make him happy,

you know, I want him to be happy. I want him to be able to say, this is my wife, because that's what he wants to say. But he's already my husband. You know. I'm not going to date anybody after him. It's him and me. That's it. So I mean that's how you feel too. Yeah, I told him. I was like, when you die, because he's going to die before me. I'm like, I'm just gonna my best friend from college care and we're just going to get a house upstate and then we're just gonna like sit

and drink wine and that's it. I'm not going to date again. That's right. I told my sister, that's what I said. I said, Simone, you and I are going to transition into later in life lesbians together at some point. It's just gonna be you and me. And she's like, why do we have to be lesbians? Why can't we just be together without being lesbians. I'm like, that's part of the deal. So she's warming up to that idea.

It's going to be a while, though, I mean, you know, but she's getting older, my sister, because she's ten years older than me. I'm forty six, she's fifty six. So we'll see I mean hopefully. You know, Joe has stamina though, I mean, I'll probably die before Joe because he's older than he's fifty. But he's got some sort of Filipino d NA that gives people extra energy. He can do. I've never seen anybody like him. He just we went to the gym this morning and he ran four miles.

He hasn't run in like a year, and he just ran four miles. And then he's been working out for four days. Like he comes to the gym with me every morning. He's been working out four days, and his body already is like more muscular and leaner. I'm like, I can see your muscles already. It's just a fucking joke. But he's got some weird strength. Well. Our next email

comes from Jess. She's thirty five. Dear Chelsea, I recently quit my job of eight point five years at a small nonprofit organization because of its extremely toxic work environment. I left very abruptly, and to my surprise, many people close to me, both personally and professionally were very supportive. Everyone assured me i'd land something better and that I deserved more respect and frankly, a respite from the burnout. It's now been about two months and I haven't found anything.

I'm having a bit of a crisis of confidence. I went from an independent career woman, living on my own terms and taking care of all my own ship to a thirty five year old loser living back with her parents. I want so badly to get back my independence and self reliance, but I also really want to wait for a job opportunity that feels like the right fit in a field. I have more passion for any advice Jess.

Stop calling yourself a loser. First of all, stop that if you're not on your own team, then you are behind. You are setting yourself back by so much when you are not rooting for yourself. So you have got to be rooting for yourself. And if it takes you writing down sentences that say I matter, I have value. If you have to write that down and say self affirmations every morning when you wake up, start there. Because nothing is worse than calling yourself that you don't You're not

a loser. You how to sit a bad situation that you're not in anymore. That's a good thing. You're living with your parents, that's temporary, that's not permanent. It's only permanent if you believe it's permanent. And now you can work towards building a better life for yourself and getting the job and the opportunities that you want. But that's not where your happiness is only going to come from. You know, all of this is an inside job, So you're not just gonna get your meaning and defining moment

for yourself through your work. You also have to cultivate that in other ways, with your friendships, with your hobbies. Start there, you know, start exercising, getting outside, getting out of your own ass, because you're having a pity party for yourself right now, and that that doesn't go anywhere. You're the only person able to pull yourself up out of that. Two months does not a career make I mean no, no, not at all. And you know it's

okay to feel sorry for yourself. I mean, we've I'm sure you Phoebe had I have a pity party, but you have I stopped. My pity parties can only last for two days. That's my new rules. After that you have to just move on. Take the forty hours, take

the hit, feel bad. But then, like Chelsea said, like what maybe, like while you're in the morning, you distilka, I'm gonna I'm gonna apply to like five jobs a day in the morning, and then like you can spend like your afternoon like cultivating some hobbies, hanging out with friends, like taking this time to sort of eat, pray, love even though this wasn't like intentional, you know what I mean, but take this time to really sort of figure out what you want to do, what brings you joy while

you're looking for a job. I remember during the recession in two thousand and eight, I worked at this film company is shut down, and so then I just took like temp jobs, like I work like half the day and then I spent the other half of a day like journaling or writing or what have you. There's so

many things that you can do. And also it's so amazing that you could stay at your parents place during this transition because so many people don't have that, and so you use them as emotional support to and like have them like help you get through this season and encourage you. But you you have so much going for you. And the fact that you could recognize you are at

a toxic work environment and you could leave it. That is amazing because so many people don't have the ability to believe in themselves enough to step off a bad work situation. So give yourself some freaking props for what you you don't do with your life instead of sort of looking at like, oh, I dropped the ball, you didn't drop the ball. You're getting yourself to a better

place exactly exactly, and it's an opportunity for growth. Anytime you come out of a bad situation, it is an opportunity for you to open newer doors that sends you in the better direction for your life. So when you say no to something that doesn't meet your standards, you are raising your level of standards to something else. You know, whether the decision was made for you or you made the decision. Your standards are different now because you're not

in that situation anymore. And so you can apply that to your love life, your friendships, your hobbies, and your work. You set the standard of what's going to be acceptable to you, and you look at this time in your parents house as a gift. This is a gift for you to recalibrate and get yourself on the right track so that you can be in a different place in six months. Don't denounce the place that you're in, accept

it and understand this is temporary too. You're not gonna live with your parents for the rest of your life, so it's it's a huge opportunity and you just need to flip the script on yourself and honestly start out with affirmations in the morning that they're not gonna hurt you. Just wake up and say you're valuable, you're beautiful inside and out, You're you know, you mean something, and who

you love and who you're grateful for. Instead of looking at what you don't have, look at things you do have and build on that because that is the power of positive thinking. It sounds like a cliche, it sounds like something only spiritual people can access, but it is very practical and it's a huge tool that will help you through the rest of your life. If you can learn how to use it and apply it to your life right now, it's going to be your best friend.

There's this app that I use. It's called I AM Affirmations, and they send me I want to say maybe like ten and twenty throughout the day. And I always find, especially in low days, the affirmation that they send me somehow is the perfect thing that I need to read in that moment to get my ship together. So I highly recommend you can choose a cute background you can they have like a play sound where you could just like press play and they'll just like say it to

you over and over and over again. But it really will help you in those days when you don't feel that great about yourself. I love that. What's that called? I am affirmations? I am affirmations. That's a good one. Thank you. And what was the book you referenced earlier in the episode Quiet Buy Susan Kane. Okay, yeah, I haven't read that one. It's so good. I read it in like a week. I was just devouring it. It's

so good. That stuff is very valuable because our narrative is what are you know, especially when we sink low, we just get into ego and when we're down, we just think out everything that is not important, and it rarely get to focus on the things that are So Yes, have the power to lift yourself out of this. You take your two days, like Phoebe said, and then get your ship together. I love that well. Our last question

it comes from Samantha. She says, Dear Chelsea. I met my boyfriend on Tinder, and our relationships started off very sexually, sexting often and hooking up. I wasn't looking for anything serious at the time, but we ended up together. We've been dating for a year now and everything is perfect except a month ago, I found some messages on his phone that looked like he was sexting other women. I confronted him about it, and he explained that it wasn't

what it looked like. He said that it's basically role play and that he messages other men about the women in their life. The men he messages get off on other men wanting their wives and girlfriends. Should I believe him? He seemed really embarrassed, and I could tell it was hard for him to talk about, which makes me think that it's true. Who would make that up if it wasn't true. I did believe him right away, but I have a history of being naive and trusting too easily

in relationships. I didn't want to kink shame him, but I told him I was uncomfortable with it, and I didn't think it was appropriate for him to sex to anyone else while in a relationship. He told me he felt he had an addiction and it started before we started dating, and it was hard for him to stop when he met me. He promised me and has since stopped, and I have reason to believe that's true. Since then, I found a few more old messages which were all

dated from before I found out. Every time I bring it up or ask about it, he's very open, answers all questions, and it's very apologetic. Do I believe him? Is this a deal breaker? Either way? He views it as a form of porn, but I can't help but feel hurt and betrayed. Thanks in advance, Samantha m hm, yeah, yeah, I vascillated there because at first I'm just like listen,

but I mean then she says he stopped. I think if somebody has an addiction and they throw around the word addiction, you should listen to that because that's not a light term, even though men can use that term just to get out of ship, right. You know, men are like, oh, I'm a sex addict. It's like, why aren't I a sex addict. How come I don't own women who are sex addict. But I can't tell you what to do in this situation because this is your relationship, and this is you have to trust your gut here

and and follow it. If you believe him and you're still checking his phone and he hasn't made any more, you know, contact with other people, it just it sounds like a bigger issue than just the texting, right, Like, if this is an issue, then there's more to the matter. You know, you are very hurt. People can change if he had that problem, you know, and if if he seeks the right help. But him changing because you told him not to do it anymore isn't exactly the right

way to go about having change, right. Yeah, I feel like it won't stick because he's just doing it for you, and then he's gonna have a moment of weakness and then the floodgates are going to open. And so I really do think that if he does think this is an addiction, he might need to really talk to someone about this in order for this to stick, because I just I'm worried that in six months it's going to start up again and he's gonna be any messages. You're

gonna find something. I just don't know. I just don't know if it's gonna last. Yeah, when somebody says I'm gonna stop doing something because you asked me to, and that the fact that he's been doing it since he met you implies that there you guys have been together for a year, right, I mean that implies that it is an addiction. Yeah, So I think it's a deeper

It's not just like one and done. You have to have another conversation about it, and possibly several to make sure that you can trust him, and you being hurt is very valid and a good engine for him to make some changes. But it sounds like you're going to find that again, like just off the top of my head, and instinctively, it sounds like you're going to run into

this problem with him again. So I guess my advice would be to sit down and really unearthed, possibly with a third party, you know, a therapist on Earth, what this is really about, so you can get to the meat of the matter instead of just kind of putting a band aid on the behavior. You want to find out why that behavior is happening in the first place, and why he has an addiction to sexting people when

he's in a relationship with you. Yeah, And I also feel like maybe there's because I don't want to kink shame at all, But maybe there's a way that you guys can find something sexually together that gets you guys off rather than him doing this this whole thing on in the side that's like making him excited that you know nothing about it. Seems like he's putting up a wall there, and it would be I think better for the relationship if you guys could just like have fun

sexually together without anyone sneaking around. So I don't know if that helps, but yeah, yeah, so I think you should just don't let it go right now, keep unearthing what the get to the root of the matter on this one. That is what our advice is. Yeah, I mean, he obviously has some shame around it, or you know, he wouldn't feel that sort of embarrassment, So maybe having her to talk to about it might help a little bit.

And maybe he also just like needs to see a therapist on his own to really right to get it, to get it sorted. Yeah, so we'll have Samantha follow up with us. Good look we are going to take a quick break so you can hear and add and then we'll be right back. I want to follow up with you, Phoebe about ANAL because I think that's an important thing for us to be I think it's important for women to talk more about it because I remember

my girlfriend. I won't mention her name because she's pretty famous and she I don't know how outspoken she is on the subject matter, but I remember hanging out at her house and she was like, God, I love ANAL. And I remember going really, like, you love anal? And I don't. I like anal too. I don't have a

problem with that. And I think it's all part of the same machine, especially when you're on your period and you don't want to do you know, and it's a hot mess, and and I think there's something very erotic about ANAL. And I feel like we all have this kind of dirty notion of it because why because it's for gay people, or because it implies what because of the re of its relationship to aids, like what is our dirt? Why do we find anal to be such

a taboo subject for women to talk about. Yeah, I think it has to do with being homophobic this whole like you don't want to be like related to that anyway. And then also I think we just find a way to sort of make women feel bad about anything they do, you know, whether it's blow job, whether it's just you know, straight up like regular penetration through the vagina, like all of it, like we're always supposed to why It's like there's we can't win. We can't win. No, no, no,

that's exactly right. There was so much the shame and master Like I grew up with shame and masturbating because I got caught masturbating on a jungle gym when I was in first or second grade. I had found out

about the feeling. Maybe it was a little bit older, but anyway, I knew when you rode up and down those that those metal bars that held up the swing sets, that that robbed your vagina in a nice way, that eventually would be like, uh, like my teachers would have to come outside and get me and be like I'd be running those monkey bars or those those metal bars like for way past recess. Because I had found myself,

I was like, oh my god. But so much shame came from being just yelled at on the school playground by my teachers that for a long time I never even touched my vagina, like I didn't want anything to do with it because of the shame. And so I think sometimes we get yeah, exactly, there is. If there's a way to shame a woman, why not same thing

with blow jobs. The first guy I gave a blowjob to, I remember him putting his hand on the back of my head to push my head down, and I lost it, Like I was like, no, no, no, no, no, no, that's never happening. I'm never having a man do that to me. And now you know, I do. You know, I feel completely fine giving blow jobs because I'm in love with somebody who does respect me and I don't

have to worry about that. So there is like I'm definitely having a sexual awakening in my four days for because I'm so much more comfortable with all of this stuff and talking about it. Even though I used to be very promiscuous and outspoken about it, it wasn't about being intimate, you know what I mean. So there is some there's a lot of value that comes with your

ownership over your own intimacy. Yeah, and just talking and communicating with your partner about what you like, but you don't like what you're sort of like interested in, but you've been too scared to admit it. Like all that stuff is only gonna make sex better and more exciting and you're gonna feel more comfortable with yourself. So I think we've got to just like open the floodgates and talk about it all. And when did you become When do you feel like you became your most comfortable self

with your sexuality? I think it's probably with my with my Bay with British bake Off, that's his code name.

I just feel like he there's just like an openness and a vulnerability with him too, So it just feels like a safe space where we could say whatever, we can try whatever we want to try, and it's totally fine, and there's no word like, oh my gosh, you're gonna think I'm like whatever, you know what I mean, because I think just growing up, you're sort of the notion is that we're all supposed to be very like Chase right and like not have that much sex at all,

but we're supposed to know how to do every single position and have such a mastery over it, and none of it makes sense, and so I feel like with him, we could definitely have the moments where we're like in the zone is really hot and like animalistic, and there's also moments where it's like we're trying to be sexy and we like mess up, we end up just like laughing, and then we get right back into And I think that's hard to find. And when you find that person,

it just brings all your walls down. It brings all your walls down. And the more comfortable you are with yourself, the more comfortable your partner is, right because you it's it's just an energy that you give off. It's like when you're nervous, you know, you can make other people nervous around you. And so the more in touch you can get and the more grounded you can get with your own vibes, I think is is an important tool

in ground your you and your partner. Sex Lives, sex Life, sex Lives, sex Lives, sex Lives and video tape anyway, Katherine, do you have anything to add on your sexuality, I mean just that it changes. I've been with my we've been married for thirteen years. My husband and I and I mean really even in like the last five years, Like there's still surprises that happened. You're like, oh, this is what we like now. It's fun how it continues to evolve. But that really depends on being open, like

you said, like trying new things, just try it. If you don't like it, move on to something else. But having that partner that you trust and you can just like have a good time with laugh, you know, make fart jokes in the middle, like yeah, and it's always good to say, like to push the boundaries a little bit, like if that's something you're interested in, or if you want to talk a little dirtier, or if you're interested in having a threesome, like talking about that stuff, you're

gonna be surprised, Like some people are so embarrassed. I know I was for a long time to talk about what my actual desires were, but but because I didn't want them to be like, oh, put off or emasculated or whatever. And then it's like, you know, the response usually is in kind, like you know, you'd be surprised what you're going to find out about your partner when you're really honest with yourself and with them. Yeah, maybe before you go, did you want to ask Chelsea for

a piece of advice as well. Oh Chelsea, Okay. So I am thirty seven. A lot of my girlfriends are my same age, a little bit older. A lot of them are having kids, and I have made the choice to be voluntarily child free, which I'm very happy about. But when you don't have kids and your friends have kids, like your relationships and your friendships change, and so sometimes I'm like, ship, I don't want to bother my friend. I reached out to them to hang out, and am

I like not important enough? Like I just don't know how to like navigate these friendships as they change. Or should I just find new friends who don't want to have kids either, and then we can hang out together. I'm just trying to figure out, like what's the new normal and all this happening under COVID, where everything is just socialization has changed in general, I just don't know

where my place fits in. Yeah, I think I think, first of all, it's always nice to be making new friends with whatever stage of life you're in, you know, Like I just was living in Whistler last year for three months, and I made a group of girlfriends because

I was there by myself. I couldn't bring my family or my friends because of COVID, so I had to make new friends and it was just one of the most like joyous times of my life because I had never had to make friends, you know, I hadn't been in a situation where I was just like I didn't know anybody, and I just had to be like a local yokel and I loved it. So a you're gonna be always making friends and being open to that is good. I mean, you seem like you're pretty well rounded, so

you're going to be open to meeting people anyway. And with your job, you're always going to be meeting people. So being in this industry, there's always people coming in and out. But the other thing is is like, you know, when my friends have kids and they're important to me, I just make sure that I show up at their house, you know, Like I show up so that they're not having to go out of their way to meet up

with me. Like I'll go over there, have a coffee, have a drink, hang out with them, hang out with their kids in the background, or if their kids are cool enough, I'll hang out with their kids too. But there's a lot of people in my life that have babies or or small children, and I always prioritize those people and make sure that that I know that I have to go to them, you know what I mean.

And you know I don't love children or anything I mean, but I love my friends children enough to be able to like be present in their lives and understand that like the first eight or nine years of having a child is like somebody is in a completely different situation. I have the leisure and license to be able to pop over there more easily than they can do it. So in those times, I think it's really important to

show up for your friends in those ways. It's not mandatory, but it is a nice thing to do out of friendship, to be like, hey, you know, you've got a new born. You're dealing with this, And then you know, if you have the type of friend that all they can do is talk about their child and want to be with their child all the time and everything's about the child,

that doesn't work for me. If you have the type of friend that can separate the two and have a life that's independent of the child and still as like a woman who's your friend, who's interested in talking about world issues, or gossiping or whatever floats your boat. Then you know you can still honor that in certain ways too. But yeah, people who are completely consumed by their children I have a hard time with because that's not my life,

that's your life, and now we're not sharing. Yeah, and then sometimes it just feels like, because I'm not a mom, I'm constantly hey, how's it going? Is anything you need for me? You just feel like sometimes you don't get that back. But maybe that's just an expectation that I

shouldn't have, you know, I think it's unfair. I think when people are really in the throes of it, we should cut them a little slack and when they're parenting, because look at how we don't have, like we don't have those times, you know, we don't have to do that. So what's our excuse? What's keeping us from showing up a little bit extra for our friends when they're in that moment, right They're they're looking at us like, fuck, she's singles, she can't have come over here? What is

she doing? She's got a drink all day. It's like, yeah, I have responsibilities to know. I could totally come over and hang out there for a couple of hours and that goes a long way. You know, spending time with people in their homes when their kids are around is a very great way to spend time with somebody. You know, when you grew up in your family was like watching TV doing nothing and that that's those are the most comfortable moments when you're all just together in a house.

So it kind of takes Also, it lessens the pressure of having an incredible time. You know, you swing by, you show your face, it goes a long way. You have a coffee or have a cocktail or smoke a doobie, whatever you're into, and it kind of brightens their day. That's how I feel when I go to my friend's house who have kids, I'm like, okay, it's time to go bright in their day. Oh I love that. Okay, that's great. I'm gonna do more of that. Great. We're

going out with a bang. Thank you, Phoebe for being here today. It was such a pleasure. So hanging out with you and talking to you, this has been so fun. I'm not gonna like fangirl over you, but this is really cool. So thank you so much for Famia. Well, thank you, thank you, and make sure, you guys. You can check out her HBO Max special sorry Harriet Tubman, and you can check out her latest book, which is Please Don't sit on my bed with your outside clothes.

That's correct. Boom okay. With regard to my stand up you guys, I have added thirty cities. We've added Des Moines. We've added your request people who requested Louisville, Kentucky. Guess fucking what I'm coming. We've added Montclair, New Jersey. We've added a whole slew of cities. So if you have not gotten your tickets yet, do it Chelsea handler dot com. We just announced thirty more cities, Niagara Falls. I'm talking to you too, so stuck on that. I'll see everybody

on tour, loving it, vaccinated in horny. And if you have a question, or you and loved one have a question, please write into beer Chelsea project at gmail dot com