Try Harder with Matteo Lane

Good for you, Catherine. I am not looking forward to hiking this year. That is not something that I am thinking about at all, So I'm glad that you brought that up. You like to go downhill very fast on that Yeah, exactly, that's right. I like to go downhill. That's what I've discovered about myself. But speaking of it, you've been in Whistler, which is your happy place? Yes, yes, i am, but I am. I'm I'm home now because I have to come home to do some press for

my Special Revolution, which is out on Netflix. Yeah, and I'm doing press for that, and then I'm hosting the Critics Choice Awards next week. So I'm here in town for a while. I had to leave my happy place, which I'm not normally accustomed to doing in the wintertime. I like to go for winter. But you know that's okay. I have to work because I want to work. Our guest today is a really funny comedian and he is going to make you laugh. And you can watch his

advice special on YouTube. It's called well, it's called the Advice Special and it's on YouTube and it's Matteo Lane is the page. So he's got mad skills. He's got tons of different skills. I mean, he speaks a bunch of different languages. He's an artist, he's like a chef. He's hot, he's gay, and he sings opera. So suck on that. Matteo Lane is here, everybody, And if you don't know who he is, you need to find out because you need to follow him on Instagram. This is

a very talented comedian. He's a flaming homosexual. And I say that because, yeah, well you can't see him, but you can't see what he's doing. But I say that because he is one and he is so talented. Actually, you know what he did for me recently, Katherine I haven't told this story yet. It was Gwyneth Paltrow's fiftieth birthday this year, so her assistant Kevin had reached out to everyone asking for a sketch of how we see Gwyneth, to draw something of how we see Quinneth. And I'm like,

that's like asking me to pump breast milk. You know, Like, I was like what, And I remember that Matteo is not a cartoonist. I was an oil painter and fashion illustrator for years, like TV commercials and fashions and stuff. It was how I moved to New York. So I didn't know that. Yeah, from the Midwest. Where are you from? From Chicago? Yes, Chicago, you're from Arlington Heights specifically, my husband is from Palatine. Is he what high school did

he go to? He went to Palatine High School? Okay work? Yeah, And I'm from Uswego, Illinois. Us we Go I've heard of us we Go? Is that from a movie Oswegoswego, New York and then in Oswego, Illinois. Maybe it sounds like a Greek food. Yeah, it sounds like a yeast infection. I was. I was based out of Chicago. Last week a couple of weekends ago, because I had four shows in like Rosamond, then Rockford, then Minneapolis, and then some

other cities. So I was just like, I'm so at the end of my rope with my tour in terms of energy sucks. So we just based ourselves out of Chicago and just flew each time to wherever drove because one place was like a half hour away, because I had already done the city of Chicago. So we spent four days in Chicago, and I was so fucking happy. I was so happy in my hotel room. I was acting like a like a little big girl like I

had finally had because I just need compact things. So I had this beautiful hotel room, but I was treating it like I had just become an adult. And I was organizing my underwear and my socks in the drawers. I was like, you're here for four nights, get comfortable. I packed your bags, and then I was organizing my medications and my makeup, and I was like, oh my god, You're like it's like you have a dollhouse and you're playing home. And then I realized Amy Schumer was at

the Chicago Theater. The same night, because we were texting one morning and she's like, oh, are you in Chicago, Mike, are you in Chicago? And of course we were like two ships in the night. So a lot of comedy comes out of Chicago people, and we have the person here to prove it, Matteo Lane. So I was introduced to Matteo, I don't know, a year ago, maybe probably

a little bit more than a year ago. And I'm in love with you, and everyone who meets you is in love with you because you're just such a joy and such a gift and I can't wait for the whole world to find out about this person. But I forgot to tell you, or maybe I had to tell you that. Gwyneth texted me and she was like, yell see that's what she calls me. She goes, I can't believe that you drew this. This is amazing, and I was like, I said, esther, that's what I call her.

I go, esther. I have to be honest. I did not draw that. I had a friend do it for me, because this was a an assignment that was way outside of my wheelhouse. But anyway, Matteo, tell us about yourself. I want to know Okay, so you moved here to become what you said early or I don't want to butcher it, he moved here to Well I wasn't. I mean, I started doing comedy in Chicago probably like twelve years ago, and actually the first show I did was in a

gay club. No, I'm sorry, Actually the firstide it was. It was in a bar and thirty or four members of my family came to watch me do three minutes. He's from a big Italian family in mafia. My grandma's family probably was, but not anymore, just like nice Italians. Yeah, sometimes you outgrow the mafia, I think, right, I think you have to otherwise you're all in prison. Yeah it was. I did three minutes on Marty to Rosa's show, He Ransom Show, where the whole point of the show was

like you would win like sex toys or something. But I don't know, but it was a really fun show. I did three minutes, and I think I was just impersonating Kathy Griffin because that's all I knew of stand up at that time. And I had a great time. It was fun. You just I was addicted immediately. Yeah, well you put out it's so much material. I mean

you love to go on stage, right, I do. I. I was just talking to a comic the other day about this, where it's like when you start in comedy, you feel like the community is huge, and then slowly but surely, everyone sort of peels off into their own world, like some writers or producers, and they eventually give up comedy and you're just left with, oh God, it's just

me and three other people. I remember at open mics still doing stand up in a weird way, you know, and I enjoy I really love doing stand up like I love being on stage. I love writing jokes. I love the the lifestyle of the comedians. I love the seller table, I love everything. I'm obsessed with it. I love all of it. There's not a part of me that's like, I'm doing this until I get a TV show.

I'm very happy to be known as a comedian. Oh that's interesting, because I would definitely say that I'm the opposite. When I was starting out, I was like, I'm doing this till I get a TV show. And then and then I was like, oh, I'll continue to do it. And then I burnt myself out so hard that I had to take a break from it. Because I just went so hard and like with the show, with writing books, then being on tour. I don't even know how I

did it. When I think about that, I don't know how you because I'm exhausted without having a TV show And you had a TV show four days, five days? We how many times you guys film? Well, yeah, four nights a week. We had it, so you had I was an open micro then, but my dream was to be on a Chelsea Handler panel. Well I'm still going to happen. We're gonna bring so we're gonna bring a TV show back, and you're gonna be on the panel. Oh my god. Never. I don't want to like blow

smoke up your asked the whole time. But please don't just give all right, don't don't. Nobody needs to hear kipt let's blow if you were asked? Okay, great, and many many others exactly, let's get your asshole fived and many excuse me listeners. Okay, we're going to get graphic here. But how many languages do you speak out the way I speak English? I speak Italian, Spanish really proficient. I mean, if you don't speak Spanish, I'm fluent. If you speak Spanish.

You're like, wow, he's really good. Even though I have an Italian accent. I sound like Mario and Luigi and French and then some German. Okay, some Germans. Five is in that world. German is a tricky language for me because I'm a Jew, so that hurts my ears a little bit. I'm still not I'm still not down with They were like, I was doing this citizen thing because you can get citizenship, you know, like I have a

house in Spain, so I can get Spanish residency. But because my mother was a German who fled from the war. After the war, I'm able to get German citizenship. So we've been working, like my assistant has been working with this, like customs attorney or immigration attorney for a couple of years to get my German citizenship. And then when we all came down to it, I was like, Okay, Canada, Spain.

I just always want some exit strategy, just in case Donald Trump Junior becomes elected one day, but by the way, and then finally the other So the other day I'm at the Spanish consulate with my assist and we're like, he has to come with me to the appointment because I'm so useless by myself and We're sitting there and then he goes, okay, so for your German citizenship, and I was like, do I really want a German citizenship? And he's like, well, I think you do, and I'm like,

I don't know. I just don't know. Well, Berlin is a very cool international city. They they seemed to have repented and you have definitely a bent it. Then they take accountability for what the hell happened. When you go to Berlin. On every corner there is a memorial talking about what happened in the Holocaust, and there are terrible, horrifying museums that everyone should have to go to to

understand exactly what did happen and those atrocities. Actually, I had a girlfriend that just came back Jamie Makeup Jamie Greenberg. She came back from her Israel birthright trip and it was so funny. She's like, you know, there's only fifteen million Jews in the world, and I was like what, I go, that's not right, fifteen million, and she's like yeah, Chelsea. And then I googled it and I was like, oh

my god, that is scary. I mean, that's why Jewish people have to say to everybody anytime they say anything, shut up. That is not a lot of people. That's not a lot of people at all. I think the population of Italy is like eighty million, and that's considered a small country. And you just came back from Italy again? Do you go there pretty often? Probably like four times a year? How fun is that? It's great? I have like a whole group of friends there that I hang

out with. We have three hour dinners and I roll cigarettes even though don' how to and just do passato and do I'll do shows in Italian with Francesco to Carl It was like a great Italian comedian and I like, you want to find a house in Rome? I want to live in Italy. Oh you will? You totally will. That's so cool. And so how do you have to switch it up? Do you have to switch it up because it's a different language? I mean yeah, because one time, the first time I went to Italy and I tried

to just translate without writing any new jokes. I was an idiot. I had this joke that like an old joke of mine about how I went to Starbucks and they asked for my name, and I said it was mateo, and she turned around and made my drink and she literally wrote potato. And my thought process was like, Okay, when you hear potato, you stopped writing on the car. That is when you say I'm sorry, it's been a long day. What is your name? So I was like, I'll just say that. So I started saying in Italian.

I was in Florence, I think, and I was like, I was like, oh, they don't rhyme Anyian. Also, I don't have Starbucks in Italy, so they don't even know what I'm talking about. And just a bunch of stairs. And then I quickly turned into an eighties comic and I was like, the difference between Americans and Italians are

like the most hackship in Italian. But I was just like, wow, I was not prepared for the fact that I can't do any of my British bake off jokes, you know what I mean, Like, I have to figure this out. But what I find interesting about Italian audiences is that they all clap instead of laugh. Really, they just sort of clap, and I'm like, I don't know if they're being really polite or they're trying to acknowledge, they understand me. But there's a lot of clapping going on and I'm

going to need more laughing. So it sounds more like the Olympics. It does it like holding up seven At the end where they dismount off of the thing, they're like like clapping, Yeah, Although if they were laughing at the Olympics, that would be really fucked up, especially how after how hard those people have worked. So you go to Rome and you hang out, like what do you go for? Two weeks? Three weeks? Like how long were you?

I was there for a week. I brought my guy Chris, who does all chriskword is all my social media stuff, and we did this whole beautiful documentary of my life in Rome and where we put it up on my YouTube page, and we're going to have different episodes like cooked with this chef Luciano when he shows us how to make carbonada and we have my friend and then it shows how to make and all this fun cooking stuff and I had a fucking blast. Oh my god,

what a life. You're totally going to have a place there, I hope. So I need to find an Italian husband, is what I would like. Well, what's the gay scene in Italy. Do people get married there? Do they just date? Like New York, the gay scene is I think l A. Yeah, it's very chaot. I mean I feel like Midwestern. I mean, I feel like it's true for all stereotypes for parts of the country. Like it feels like Midwestern gays are a lot calmer than either Coast of gays and l

A gays are just it's too much. It's it's too much. They're so not not too gay, they're too mean to each other. There's a lot of it's all about the way you look, it's all about what you have to offer, and it's all about your standing in society. It's brutal. It would be like it would be like living in a Lucky Charms box. That's judging you. I mean, that's sort of how I view West Hollywood. But you know,

to tell you the truth, I don't know. I've been so since doing stand up, I have been in a way so removed from like gay night life, which is not the only way gays go out obviously, but like there I'm just saying, like stereotypically speaking, like gays would go out and go to clubs and go all I do is stand up and hang out with comics, And I did find that my self esteems a little better because I do find like if I walk into a club, my first thought was how do I look? Do I

look good enough? And are they judging me? Who I'm like, They're just it's a lot of my insecurities come up, not that it's actually happening. But if I walk into the comedy seller, I know they respect me for my intellect and we're gonna sit down and we're gonna get messy and we're gonna talk and me and Keith Robinson are gonna scream at each other and like have a fun time. So now to tell you the truth, like I haven't I don't even know how to go out in the gay scene anymore. Like I can't tell if

I'm feeling left out or if I've purposed. I don't know what I'm like in this weird I live a straight comic in a way, you know what I mean? Well, I think that's I mean, it raised an interesting point because I think stand up really calcifies a different set of confidence, Like you have so much more to offer, so you start identifying or when you're going to label yourself. That becomes like the first label instead of the second or the third when you're stand up and that's your

whole life and that's what you're known for. I think your identity. It's like I remember growing up, I didn't want to ever be I just thought of as a dumb blonde. You know. I wanted people to take me seriously. Like now people take me a little too seriously, you know what I mean, Like I'm no, I'm cute too, like that I'm not scary, it's scary, and I'm like, wait, I want to be that blonde again. That wasn't that bright, you know, like we're we're loud or whatever. But I

think that stand up cultivates. Yeah, you're just confident. I mean it's badass to get up there and fucking buy yourself with a microphone. It is. It's and now I'm so comfortable with it. Do you ever get that feeling where like you're walking out and there's thousands of people waiting for you and you're like, what am I going to have for dinner tonight? Like you know what I mean, Like it's so normal now, which is good. I think that's the best performance comes from it. Being completely normal

on stage. I don't think nervous energy. That always audiences pick up on if the comic is nervous, so to speak. But yeah, I don't know, it's I think audiences pick up and when a comic is nervous, I think so for sure. It's like a owner who is carrying their dog and they say the dog can feel if you're nervous, or like they yeah, yeah, of course. It's hard to see someone nervous, like it's not a pleasant feeling. Nobody enjoys that. No. Matteo could also sing opera by the way,

he's an opera singer. He's I mean, what can't you do? Date? Um, that's about it. We're gonna find you a date on this podcast. We've hooked up a lot of people on this podcast. Actually, oh you guys, we should set me up then. I'm looking for and specifically people who wrote in being like I loved his intellect when I heard him on the podcast, because obviously they can't see anybody. They're just like, can you send my Instagram to him?

This was a previous previous guest, but we can definitely, Yeah, I mean, if you're into Matteo. First of all d m him right, that's a good way to be dating people. But also, yeah, if you're listening to this, because obviously

we have no straight men listening to this. If you have, If you're listening to this and you think what kind of guy, tell me about what kind of guy you think you're looking for, because I've been around you, and I've seen you with a couple of different guys, and it's hard to pinpoint a type which I can recognize in myself. I also don't have a type, right, I'm they the older I get I'm sort of more interested

in someone who's going to make me laugh. Yeah. I mean, I know that sounds so dumb, but it is true. I'm sort of over like my insecure twenties where I think I need someone hot to validate me in any kind of way, Like I'm really just sort of interested, like does this person have anything interesting to talk about? Yeah? And also I think when you're a comic and you're already like innately funny person, I don't think that it necessarily you don't need someone actually to make you laugh.

You need somebody who gets the joke, Like you don't have to make the joke, but you have to be in on the joke and you can't not get the joke, because that's a turn off, because it's the worst when you're when you really do have something funny and you say it to your partner and they stare at you and you think, damn it, I wish I was with

other comics or my friends. Yeah. I I sometimes I see relationships of people, gay couples, and they travel with each other and they're with each other and they're best friends, and it's so foreign to me. I've not had that experience yet in terms of dating, where like the person is legitimately my partner or best friends. So I do feel quite independent that way, Like I don't know. I also now I'm so independent, I don't know how I would customize my life for somebody else. Yeah, but that

always works itself out when you wanted to. When you're really into somebody, you may compromises. You know you're like into them, and so that that isn't Why is this bouncing up and down? It's like reverberating just from this. I have a screen over my microphone, you guys, and it's just been vibrating the whole morning. And I'm not even touching it. It's it's my mouth. My mouth is

so powerful that it's forceful. Such a forceful mouth. But also, somebody who takes themselves too seriously is a hot is such a turn off. I think that goes hand in hand with lacking a sense of humor, as people who take themselves too seriously, that's never hot. Being funny is down on my list because of course, anyone could make you laugh. It makes you laugh as sexy. You like them immediately anytime somebody can evoke that feeling from you.

He's laughing at my bouncing microphone. These are like my boobies. It's taking the place of my boobies my screen. I do like guys that are more shy. I find myself more attracted to those who are introverts. This last guy I was sort of seeing who I really liked. It unfortunately didn't work because of distance. He was just like, I can't do long distance, which I understand, and I'm

not here to change anybody. But he was very shy, and there was something about it that I kind of loved because I I think I already get enough attention that I don't want to be with someone who also is see king a ton of attention, Like I'm also not even seeking attention outside of the stage. Does that make sense? I sit at home and play Fortnite. I'm not trying to do anything, you know, So I I like sort of shy your guys more quiet guys, Yeah, but don't you find more quiet guys have less to say.

But when they start to open up was when I find adorable. Like this last guy was painfully shy, and then as he opened up, I really got to see his sense of humor. And then you almost feel more special because you're like, oh, wow, he's opening up like something I've I've done something to help him open up, and now he feels comfortable with me, and I feel I have an insight on how this person functions in the world, and I like their sense of humor, like

I enjoy that. And how long did you guys date for? Well? We talked. We dated and talked for like almost six months. He lived long distance. I met him when I was doing shows and we just kept talking and then it turned into facetiming Morning New night. Then we took vacations with each other and finally got to a point after like six months I was like, well, how do you feel about long distance? And he was just honest. He

was like, I can't. I have too many in securities about that and I can't have someone who's far from me and it's just not going to work. And I was like, well, that's disappointing. And so that's it. So what if you wanted to continue just seeing each other

like on vacation, That's not a thing to me. It probably wouldn't be great because it's like I really liked him and I expressed that and he liked me too, and if and he even said, like, we continue what we have, and I'm like, well, if I'm I'm trying to make an investment, I'm thirty six, I'm trying to like make a foundation with somebody, and so if it just then it feels like I'm just giving you entertainment which will make me resent you, and you'll feel cheap

for that. I will feel cheap for that. Right. So the answer was I want to bring up a good point because I don't think gay men are getting enough credit for nipping monkeypox in the bud. But but the saying is in the bud, but I'm going to change it to the button it started because when the government came out. I was out to dinner with a few gay guys last night, as one does, and they were like, yeah,

we all got vaccinated right away. When when we found out about monkey box, and I was like, oh my god, that's what happened. Because I'm like, where's monkey pox? I thought this was going to take off. I was kind of looking forward to seeing what a ship show that was going to be, you know, in a real fucked up way. Obviously, I'm glad it didn't take off. And they're like, oh, it's us. Gay men are so responsible that we all just nipped in the bud before it

became a thing. Yeah, like most gays, we love it for something. It becomes really big and then it's done. There's my second monkey pox. You can still see my second monkey pox shot. Oh wow, I can't see it. It was very interesting when that happened. You know. At first, it was like someone's like monkey pox is coming, and all the gays were like, girl, but not monkey pox.

And then I met I had five people in my life who had it, and I was like, okay, I'm going to abstain from sex, or if I do, I will have I'll be open and honest with my sexual partners and wait till the vaccine is available. And then he said it it is eight percent effective after four weeks, and so I waited after four weeks. So basically July and August, I just didn't have any sex, which might not sound like a lot, but to gay men, and

that's like yeah, I mean no, I understand. Yeah, And that's almost like seven years to a regular person, it's a long time. And I'm getting real tired of jacking off. So you know, sometimes I jack. I just do it like I'm going to the bank. I'm like, let's get this over. I just I'll pretend to be my own wife. And I'm like, not tonight, honey, I just can't. I'm so over jacking off. But yeah, we all we all didn't put in the butt. We did. The rates have

gone down significantly. No one's talking about monkey pox. I still I'm talking about it because I like, I just I just can't believe how discriminatory that advisory was. You know, like gay men are the only people that can, like not the only people, but that's how you're gonna get it by anal sex. And it's like first of all, regular people are having anal sex, you know, not non gay people are having sex like it's a trend. It's odd and people are into it big time, and you'd

be surprised if you didn't think you like it. You might surprise yourself and my like at all. I have a lot of girlfriends in l I who casually are like, have you tried an? I'm like, oh my god, really this is our conversation now, like, yes, I've tried an who has a tried? And my girlfriends like, oh my god, I love it. I love it. I'm like, first, well shut up. You sound like a fucking asshole. No pun intended again, you guys, honestly, this is like possessed. Do

you see this thing? I'm not touching the table or anything, so it must just be we're haunted. We're being haunted. Bringing a Ghost Adventures show in here. It's my favorite show, by the way, Ghost Adventures they've been on for twenty nine seasons. They have not found a single ghost. Is my favorite show. Hosted by this asshole named Zach and he says every episode money mus Zach and I'm a demonologist. And my joke is, you know, my parents were disappointment.

I told him I was gay. I cannot imagine if I had to sit them down and be like mom and dad, I'm going into demonology, they'd be like, we rather you suck a dick. At least it's there. I mean it is. I will watch the Travel Channel is now just ghost shows. That's it. Zach Osborne has a ghost show. Everyone's got one, and I will watch it when I'm on the road. I turn on the Travel Channel and just watch these assholes walk around houses for hours.

I love it. It's so stupid, so stupid. When are people and people love ghosts, love it, They love outer space, they love UFOs, and they love aliens and ghosts and the US. At least there's like a video of a thing where like, well, what is that? That's a UFO? This ring light that's a ghost and that's a UFO. Yeah. I hate when anyone talks about anything like that. I've I've felt the presence of what would probably be a ghost, but I would never even focus on it for more

than thirty seconds. Like my friend I dated this guy who had a house. I've been Shelter Island and it was fucking haunted. It was definitely haunted. The vibe in there, the energy. I was like, this is off. The doors would shut all the time, slam all the time, You'd hear footsteps creeping up the house, and I was like, you're evil. I can tell that you're evil and that your house is haunted, and that's why we're to break up because you would have a ghost in your house.

You're fucking weirdo. I definitely have felt that, but then people really hyper focus on it. It's like, well, the ghost isn't gonna get you, it's not gonna come and stab you. And also we're never going to see them. No, we're not. We're never going to My mom is Italian Mexicans, so if anyone is Italian Mexican, immediately you have multiple ants in the family who speak to dead people. So you know, my mom has a sister that does. And

it's just so funny to me. I don't believe in ghosts, like at all, not at all, I mean, but of course I'm scared. Like if I watched Insidious the other night with Nicole Buyer and I literally was walking home. I'm in New York. What's Insidious? I missed? That was like fifteen years ago. But it is like the first

two acts of the movie are genuinely very scary. It's about a kid who goes into a coma and basically they find out when they get a psychic that he's astral projecting and the demon wants his body and he asked for projected too far and the demon captured his soul. Now his body is just laying there and they have to go into that world and bring him back. Chills.

It's so scary, you have to watch it. Astral projecting. Yeah, Like you sleep and you see yourself when you're sleeping, so basically your soul leaves your body and you kind of walk around and your and the kid is four or five, so we think, so I'm having all these dreams. Isn't that just sleepwalking? No, But like the body's there, his spirits doing okay, sorry, it's like a meditation thing too.

It's a meditation thing. You're absolutely right when you meditate, because when you really get into deep meditation, you start to see your body sitting down or lying down and you can get away from it. That's happened to me before for sure. Well make sure demons coming to steal you. I'm a ghost. Okay, I'm a ghost that meditates. Okay, so we've decided you like quiet guys. That's that's pretty much it. That's all. We're looking for a funny quiet

You can't believe in ghosts. Sexually compatible? What does that mean? Though? Sexually combatible? You know some of that turns you on. I guess chemistry. That chemistry, Yes, you're right, that's the proper word, not the homosexual me being like sexual. They have to like enjoy anal sex. I mean that's a prerequisite for being gay. I said, don't that's true. I have a friend who claims that he's never enjoyed anal sex. We actually have a caller today about that very issue. Amazingly,

Oh is it? Okay, okay, great, this is I guess this. I guess this episode was curtailed for somebody. Oh that's perfect. I love us. Okay, Well, let's get started. We're going to give advice. You know how this goes, right, we give advice callers. People are fucking serious. So you have to put on your medical cap okay, your psychiaty, psychiatry, psychologist, whatever. Have my aunt's number on speed dial. Should we need

to talk to ghosts. I'm a farm to table going to collegist, so I'll take care of the female anatomy, and you're going to take care of the male anatomy, and then any emotional problems will just jump it together, all three of us did. We'll take a quick break and we'll be right back with Chelsea and MATEO. We're back. We're back well. Our first email comes from Rachel. For context, g and her husband are about thirty five, and the

couple of friends in this email are late twenties. Dear Chelsea. Recently, I had a friend and her husband over for what was supposed to be a relaxing Sunday night dinner. I prepared homemade lasagna and a delicious Tira messou from scratch. I would love to see that homemade lasagna, but go on, I'm believe he doesn't believe it. He's like, no, I'm a good hostess and always go above and beyond to make sure my house is spotless and my guests are comfortable.

I asked my friend what time they'd like to eat so that I could have dinner prepared accordingly. She replied six pm. I worked for hours to shop, prepare, and cook the meal for every one and had it ready by six. Sounds annoying, by the way, this sounds like someone who's already complaining about too much, but I'll stick with you. Also, got to have people come earlier than you plan to eat, so you're not like sitting and

eating right when they get there. But also, lasagna takes four hours to make anyways, Usually lasagna, if people come late, you throw back in the oven for fifteen minutes and you serve. It's not like we're already mad at her. Yeah, I hear you. I'm vegan and my guests are not, so I prepared to Lasagna's and chopped for ingredients that I normally wouldn't buy from my household. My friend texted me at five fifty two saying they were just leaving

an event they attended earlier in the afternoon. At six thirty, she texted me again to let me know she'd picked up her baby from the sitters and was en route to the house Chelsea. They arrived a whole hour later than they said they would like to sit down and eat. Seven. No, six, there was the call time and they showed up at seven. Yeah, pay attention, you fucking too okay, oh, okay, fine. They

show up, apologize, and we get ready to eat. In an unfortunate turn of events, her baby slipped and bumped his head. He was completely fine and uninjured, but this happened on her husband's watch. She freaked out and proceeded to rate her husband in front of me and my husband for the next twenty minutes. We decided to sit down and start eating. They ended up leaving a little over an hour after they arrived. I felt completely offended

that they were an hour late. I feel that if they didn't have time to come to dinner, they shouldn't have accepted the invitation. I also feel annoyed with my friend for choosing to react to a simple accident so negatively in my personal space. If she needed to take a moment to collect herself, she could have gone outside or into another room to do so instead of subjecting everyone else to negativity like that. When they left, I was angry with her. Should I confront her or just

never invite them over again? Thanks for listening, Rachel. You go ahead. Look, this woman should never mix with Italians because Italians will be an hourly and they will fight in front of you. So make sure she never books a ticket to Italy and if she does, to avoid Italians at all costs, and Jewish people will also be late and argue in front of you. I'm very comfortable. I have thirty four first cousins and we're all basically

the same age. So I grew up with lots of yelling and screaming in the house and and food coming late. But we also laughed a lot and ate really well. I don't like people who are late, though, that is a pet peep of mind, so I do back her on that, Like if if you say you're gonna be at six o'clock, get her at six o'clock, that ship pisses me off. Okay, I have the opposite point of view. I don't care about the lateness. I care about the arguing in front of people. I feel like that's inappropriate.

But I also feel like the way this letter was framed, she's it's too much. It's just too judge, Like who gives a ship? First of all, who's having dinner at six? Like? Why? And if you're being a hostess, part of being a hostess is being gracious to a degree, not to bend over backwards. You know what, I mean, but someone being late, fine, whatever, they had another situation, they had another event they were coming from, and then fighting in front of you I

think is the worst, more offensive infraction. But also like, yeah, don't be friends with them. Sounds like she rubs you the wrong way. Like the whole tone of the letter means that you're in a state of irritability. Yeah, you could confront her, but to what avail? Is it that important of a friendship If it's a really important friendship to you, Yeah, you could say something. I would focus on the fighting, not on the actual tardiness, unless that

happens again. They have a kid. You have to just kind of make accommodations for people sometimes, And I just don't like being so anally retentive that I have all these rules about how you're supposed to behave as a guest. That kind of negates the friendship to begin with. Like there's got to be room to move around, you know, sometimes your friends are not going to do exactly what you want them to do. So yeah, I mean, wise, do not make two different lasagnas that is a whole

day operation. Makes something that takes the fresh ingredients you can put together that takes a half hour, so you can start cooking when they get there. Who says we're gonna eat six and then expect them to get there at six and then coming to sit down and start eating. Yeah, you walked to the door and sit down at the table. I mean that sounds annoying to Also, being a vegan is slightly annoying. Like, here's the thing. If they were vegan, that would be one thing. But she's vegan. She could

have just cooked a vegan lasagna for everybody. Why not? I don't know. Let's not disgrace lasagna anymore than it was probably hard to disgrace in that oven that day. Anyways, either make a lasagna or you don't stop it. Once she heard about LASAGNI he's like, yeah, I don't believe this for one second. I know she used cottage cheese. I know she didn't make maschamel. I know the red sauces from mccan. I know that she didn't. I don't

want to hear about it. My mother is men and I and I'm from Illinois as well, and my husband is half Italian. His mom is north side of the Chicago Italian and that is one of the greatest arguments of my marriage is cottage cheese versus ricotta cottage. Who are what side are you on? She probably is on the cottage. She's I'll tell you why, mateo, Because this fucking bitch takes hard boiled eggs in a big zip brock bag on a plane. How are you doing the

rest of the flight. No one wants to smell your hard world on like four different airlines having I know, I know, she said to me. She came to ma Orca this summer. She and she revealed this like I was going to have a reaction. I said, excuse me, what do you We just had gone off about bare feet on planes and her vial that is, and then she reveals this and then sends me a photo to you know, trigger me further of her holding a snip blocked bag with twelve hard boils. I said, hey, what

are you doing? She goes, it's protein. I go, there's protein bars all throughout the airport. You can get your protein in a variety of different ways. Literally, you deserve to get protein powder thrown in your face. And that's her protein for the meal. The weirdest thing is all of my friends, like I, you know, posted the picture, and so many of my friends were like, oh, that time you had hard boiled eggs just like saved my life. So many of my friends have memories of me with

art boiled eggs. Now you're just remembering those, You're you're choosing to specifically remember the positive outcomes of hard boiled eggs instead of all of the negative domino effect instances that you And that's the hell that you've put people through. You know, it's selective memory. The fact that the T s A Agents had to look on their scanner and see twelve hard boiled eggs go through. I won't even eat a hard boiled egg, like in a small space, Like you have to get rid of the egg before

you interact with a person. And also you need like a five minute window afterward, you know what I mean? Where do you put the shell? Probably takes the shells off before so that it all smells. Yeah, yeah, she does, listen and she does. She she's not taking the shells al they're peeled. It's quick, and then the bank gets filled again. But again, apologies. You know what. That reminds me of this scene an airplane where Leslie Nielsen is it who keeps having a hard boiled eggs and it

keeps hatching eggs. And even when he was doing that scene, I'm like, this is so disgusting. And those were shelled because the cast and crew didn't want to smell hard boiled eggs all day. Well, I guess because humans lay shelled eggs. Also white cottage cheese. It's not it has no taste because it's too wet, and it's just it's it's a disgrace. That's how my my mom's mom made it. So that's how your mom's mom is wrong. There's yeah, you have no I mean men toite. What does that

have to do with being Italian? Well, we're not Italian, That's what I'm saying. Like, that's why you're cottage cheese though, I mean you said we're Mennite, Like that's a backup for the cottage cheese. None of this makes sense. Are in the cottage cheese, eggs whatever you normally put into well, okay, off from memory eggs, A ragonel lasagna. I fucking hate, a regano I hate and you know what else I

don't like. While we're on the topic of things that annoyed me, Rosemary, I don't like you know, I hate when Oh yeah, a lot of people don't like rosemary when it's on chicken or potatoes. That pisces me off because I love potatoes. But when there's a rosemary, it's like this. I used to work at this restaurant Roasty in Santa Monica, and they had rosemary chicken and potatoes, and I would always be like, who thought up this dumb recipe? And there was the biggest hit on the menu.

People fucking loved it, and I was just like, rosemary reminds me of Christmas. I guess it's that pine needle kind of like it does look like you cut up a Christmas tree and roasted it on some potatoes, and smells a little bit like pine needles too. I do like Greek potatoes all cooked and lemon and chicken fat. Yeah, well, of course, what's what's What do you have to say about that chicken fat is where it's at? What else

do you put in it? I'm sorry we were so would be interrupted because no one respects you anymore if I can interrupt. I want to also say that, as I've known Catherine and her family, they have some questionable variations on traditional food like Italian food. Obviously, why would you put cottage cheese and alazon ya. That's ridiculous, it's just flavored. Asked her about the nachos, though, what are amish nachos? Catherine, Let's just attack all my ethnic backgrounds.

So go on, We've we've destroyed the Italian side. Let's move on to the Mexican side. What have you done to them? And just know that obviously it includes cottage cheese. So again, if my parents don't have like four tubs of cottage cheese in the fridge at every moment, it's like not enough. So we lovingly call these amish nachos. But in our family, we love to eat potato chips with cottage cheese. That's That's how as a vehicle, I'm

getting nauseous. Honestly, this is so nauseating. Was it's delicious. I had a boyfriend once. I'm just gonna switch topics quickly. My boyfriend used to eat potato chips dip them in salsa, and that was in the front. I don't understand that. I was like, whoa, whoa, what are you doing here? It's either ranch or straight up you know what I mean? You don't get to dip your potato chips and salsa, but then he would put so much salsa on the

potato chip that that alone broke us up. I was so disgusted after months and months of being exposed to this behavior. I think we dated for years, but at the end of it, I was like they were like, what was the final straw, and like the potato chips in the salsa, I was like, that's where I couldn't take it anymore. It was so gross to see a potato chip dunked holy in salsa, like the ratio didn't add up and they get soggy. I broke up with

a guy in college. He was beautiful, bright green eyes, like stunning, and I watched to make cold spaghetti, heat it up and put sour cream all over it, and oh no, literally called my cousin Megan. I said, I can't do it. No, no, no, no, no, that's disgusting. Even now, I even though I can't cook, but I

know I can't cook. And even when I try and make something basic, I know like there are rules not to break in terms of what like even my scrambled eggs is basically what I make, you know, on the on the regular, and I know not to funk around with that in a gross way, like not to put too many things in, Like you can't put zucchini's and scrambled eggs. If you want vegetables, you can't put broccoli

and scrambled eggs, and all of that is gross. You could put onions, you could put cheese, you could put tomatoes and spinach, and that's it, and then you have to draw the line, put them in the bag and bring them to the airport. Okay, who's our next color? Well, our next color is Marco. Marco, says dear Chelsea end Gang. I wanted to get your advice on a topic I know is near and dear to your hearts, sex or

lack thereof. As a thirty year old gay man, I have finally come to the conclusion that I don't like sex. The thought of topping is a turn off for me, and quite frankly, I really don't like the idea of getting it from behind either. Ouch. Don't get me wrong, I have sex occasionally to meet a partner's needs, but so far it's not been enough to sustain any sort of lasting relationship. Two months is the longest I've ever dated a guy. This has made dating in the very

daunting gay world a challenge. In the past, dates or short flings with guys always go well, but tend to go downhill once we hit the bedroom. I'm shocked that two months, I mean two months is like eight years for gays. Right, We've talked about that's good for him, it's a long time and gay. I get uncomfortable once we start having sex because I'm scared I won't be good at it, or because I just might not be able to do it. Most recently, I really hit it

off with a guy. We hung out almost every day for a few weeks straight, and he seemed to like me just as much as I liked him. However, after a few unsuccessful attempts in the bedroom, he lost interest, and eventually he told me he didn't think he could foresee a future with me. He didn't tell me why, but I can take a hint. Typically, when dating, I'm not very upfront with my dates about being uncomfortable with sex.

In a world where sex is put at the forefront of all relationships, I'm very embarrassed about my lack of ability. Please help yours in Christ, Just kidding Marco could save Marco. Okay, Marco, how will you're thirty? Correct? Okay? And what so what about blow jobs? Yeah, I'll wrote that. It's definitely different. I think with youn know, like it's doubly more like uncomfortable with it? Where's blow jobs? Not so much? Okay?

But maybe your state of discomfort for it is because you haven't done it the proper way or experienced it the proper way because you're attracted to men, right, that's correct, yes, and you don't like penetrating men. I'd prefer not to know because why just you can be graphic if you need to be as fun honestly, like I just don't want to put my dick like where ship comes out, you know, Like maybe that's what the Republicans say. Are

you a Republican? I'm not a Republican. I can understand that, but well, I guess mente you should probably feel this line. Question Do you have anxiety? Like do you deal with anxiety generally speaking? Like, so you are full of anxiety? Right? Yeah,

definitely like an anxious person I've always been. Yeah. Okay, So so is it the actual act that that repels you or is it the anxiety of having to please somebody else or be involved sexual with somebody else that gives you so much anxiety you feel you can't perform. I honestly, I feel like it's definitely a mix of both. The cleanliness, like I said, aspect to it, well, the cleanliness, it's like, just make sure that either you do or someone else, which I hire a firehouse to come clean

up my asshole before I have sex. I mean, it's like, you know those things that used to clean the sidewalk in the morning in New York, they're my best friends. But it's true. I've been to his place when he's

had an entire fire brigade there, including the Dalmatian. Yeah, I think maybe are you expressing this to your partner like partners you've been with, Like, look, I just want to you know that I have a lot of anxiety when it comes to anal and if we are going to go there, I want to make sure that you know that this is something that I'm having a hard time with and then maybe just right off the bat, being open about it will take some of the pressure away.

And that's probably part of the problem is that I'm not open about it. I always like you're open to a podcast where millions of people listen, but not partner every Well, this is the first step. Yeah, yeah, this is the first step. I think it's important. But I think you know, when you're saying that your anxiety written and that's a base of your personality, probably then that is having a huge impact on your sexuality. Right. So the thing that like what RelA X as you? What

do you do? What do you use as tools to relax you? Not I'm not talking about sex in this moment, but like in general, do you take anti anxiety medication? Does smoking weed relax you? What do you do all the above? I mean I actually I just started taking some anti depressants anti anxiety medicine, and then marijuana also helps alcohol exercise. I'm big on that. That always makes me feel so much better. I think first and foremost having more open conversations with people about it. I think

you're going to find you're that you're not alone. I think other people probably feel that way, don't you think so, Mateo. Like in the gay world, there's a whole spectrum of ways that people are interested in having sex. Like some people are highly sexualized, some people aren't. And I don't think that you're not sexual. It sounds like you like

all of that. Yeah, yeah, I mean, so I think you want to work towards having a more healthy kind of sexual more sexual knowledge about yourself, worrying about what since your asshole, Like everyone's thinking about that, but everyone's still having anal sex, you know what I mean. I don't want anyone to have sex with me in the butt and then puld their penis out and be covered in anything. Yeah, that's a fear of mind, but that's not a reality, and there's a way to avoid that

from happening. Right. That's not something that necessarily happens, and it's something that you can definitely make not happen, you know what I mean, if you're taking care of the situation, if that person is. But I think if you're more vocal about it, like, oh god, you know, I mean, this guy that just broke up with you or stopped talking to you or whatever, clearly stopped because you guys,

it wasn't going anywhere sexually. I mean, that's obvious. And so in order to prevent that from happening in the future, I think you need to be a little bit more open minded with people and with yourself, you know, because you're not the only person that's felt this way. Okay, yeah, I second that. I think there's relationships where gay men don't have anal with each other. That's fine. I mean that also just if you decide, hey, I don't like anal, great,

find another partner who doesn't either. But I'm also saying that I think you might like it if you were able to prevent your fears from coming true. I think that you have this idea that anal sex equates to one thing. You know, let's not have to repeat that over and over because some people are eating breakfast. But I don't want you know, I don't want you to think that you don't like sex. I don't believe that's true right now, Like, I don't think you've put it in.

How many times have you had anal sex Let's start there. Honestly, probably only like on two hands, ten or less, okay, right, and it's been done to you or you've done it to someone else. I've never been the receiving end on it. Movies topped. Okay, well, maybe you should also try that. I think, yeah, you might like it up well, you know, with enough fabrication, it can be a very enjoyable experience and like, like, I want to like it, I really do.

I just then try harder. If you want to like it, and you're attracted to men and you want to have a relationship, whether sexual or more you know, serious, like more than sexual and having a serious, like intimate relationship with someone, I think you need to have a little bit more experience, right And I don't think you should just go out and have sex with a bunch of strangers, but I think you should find people that are a little bit more like minded, or somebody who has more

experience than you is going to be patient with you as a teacher and say, oh, okay, this is how we can prevent any of those things from happening. This is how I get myself prepared for anal sex, and this is and you can try it with different partners to find your comfort level, because it's there somewhere. And I think this is more anxiety written than anything else. Just by talking to you and you know, looking at you for sure, Yeah, no, absolutely, I know you're you're

probably spot on there, So can you do that? Can you have more honest conversations like don't listen if someone says, fuck it. You don't you're not comfortable having anal sex, you don't haven't had that many good experiences with it, then that's not the right person. But I bet you you'll find somebody that's gonna be like, oh, okay, I get it. I also used to feel that way, or I also used to be intimidated or scared or thought I didn't want to, you know, be a bottom or

a top or whatever it is. It doesn't matter. But I just think you need to have a little bit more experience and kind of put less pressure on yourself and experiments. That's what sexuality is, finding different things that you like with different people and being open to different things. There's so many things that I thought when I was growing up in high school that I was so judging about. I would never do that, or I would never give up low job. I'm not bullshit all these things that

are so silly. You start to become sexually aware, like have more sexual exposure, and it empowers yeah, and then you're and then you find out the things that you like. Some of the things I thought I hated I really do like now. Yeah, And I think a lot of the focus is on what you're unable to do or you're not enjoying, And I think if you can give a spin on that and be like, you know what, here's what turns me on. Here is what I'm into you can drop into you're not into some other stuff.

But also like maybe with a new partner, you just focus on, like, here's what really turns me on. It's blow jobs, it's whatever else. Huddling can be a part of you know what I mean, There's so much else that you can do other than just like penetration. Okay, so like re reframing, give it a spin, like, think about what you're into, and I think it really good at those things. So do you go out a lot?

So I'm like, I'm not too big into like the gay scene or nothing, but yeah, occasionally I will go out. Yet but you're out as a gay man, right, Yes, it's correct? Okay? And do you did you date on apps? And do you do that stuff? Yeah? I mostly on apps? I'd say not grinder Okay, I mean there's nothing like and maybe I should if that's what well, because grindles you can be explicit. Hello homosexual who's not sure he likes anal dot dot dot anyone question mark and you

can start surveying from there. So it's it's good. But cinder bumble, How does it work on bumble? Because usually with straight people it's the girl who writes first. So in this case, is it like the bottom bottoms on? Now? I think either way it works. Yeah, So many guys are gonna get mad at me. They're gonna say I'm bottom shaming and I'm a huge bottom, so I'm a bottom. I'm a bottom too. I don't like him do anything. They're excited. I just like to there, what do you

do for work? So I'm like a little bit of everywhere. I work in a prison. So shifted, so good. You know you've got a great example. That's like two comedians. It's a race to get to that joke. Yeah. I guess that's maybe that's why I don't like any right, because you're seeing it at the most graphic plane. Yeah.

I think the thing for you to focus on in the immediate future is to be more communicative about what you are interested in and just frontload that right, and then you're gonna, i think, draw more people in that maybe feel the same way with you, or have an experience level where they'll have the patience to kind of learn with you and grow with you. But always front load because if you're because that's just going to add

to your anxiety. When you're keeping something from somebody and then they get back to your house and they're expecting something to happen and you're not about to deliver that, then that's going to create anxiety for you. And you already have anxiety. So we want to just like take that out of the equation in any way we can. And also based on your first and last name, do you use cottage cheese in your lasagna? Yes, you do, my shame. Do you take hard boiled eggs onto planes

with you? I would never do that. No, sorry, that would that would put my anxiety like through the roof. Not this being the most shameful part of the Internet. I hope that you really leave today with a whole new set of ideas. Okay, because he basically just served you to make in my life. Yeah you do, okay, So just to chill the funk out, okay, try to chill out. Yeah, just work on your communication skills. There's nothing to be ashamed of, you know what I mean.

Honesty is the best thing always always, always front foot, with honesty, front load, front foot. I don't even know what I'm talking about. And good luck with you and your asshole. Thank you. I appreciate. Okay, keep was supposed if things change, let us know, and I want to know, Like you know, with the more experience, I think that you might enjoy sex more than you think you might, because it's a very human where animals most people want that, you know, we want. Yeah, okay, okay, I think we

got up all right. Thanks so much, Marco, Thank you, guys. I appreciate. Thank you. Good Catherine. I hope you have some time to reflect late on this afternoon, because you know what he just was like, Listen, I'm not I'm down with cotta cheese. You thought you had someone on your team and guess what he was off your team two seconds he was like his face. It was the first time I saw him like his face crunch. Oh. He was cute. He was a high Yeah. I know,

he's sweet. I wish I could adopt somebody like that and just lead them. He was so sweet. He's one of my favorite colors that we've had. I was so excited to Yeah, and honestly, the way he was talking to us, just talk to your partner that way. He was talking to Chelsea Handler about not wanting anal, Like, you can't say that in a private conversation with somebody. I know, this is pretty bold. Well, some people have

a lot more. Yeah, I think it's hard. So sometimes people have a lot more a bigger issue with saying it in the moment, especially when it's intimacy. People have so many issues around intimacy. People are freaking weird, you know. I mean I I've had experience with that too, where I'm just like, you know, like you freeze or you don't want to disappoint. You don't know what the person is expecting, and that's it disappoint. You feel like you're

going to disappoint the other person. Yeah, and you're right. Communicating that with somebody else takes away that shame and you can just have honest conversations with somebody. Yeah. And then you can conversely go too far in the opposite direction, Like I've had several one night stands where I was putting it out there right away, like just so you know, I'm here to sex, and that's that's backfired on me too, where guys like what do you mean you're just here

to sex. It's like, well, wait, I thought that was gonna be the good thing for me to say, like we'll be on the same page, and guys are like, I mean, I've had guys surprised to my surprise be like, no, that's too forward. I don't like that. I don't like when a women talks like that and you're like, okay, well, I find so like I always I always feel like, you know, I'm a little too honest things sometimes, But whatever, I'm not going to change that. No, I don't think

you should. Okay, So this is Chloe, Is it this about Chris Jenner? I mean, we can only hope. By the way, Chris Jenner sent me a satin pillow or silk pillow or whatever the funk it is, and I have to say it's magical. I've never had one of those because I just always thought, like, I mean, I do so much ship. We didn't get so many lasers that I don't have to worry about not getting crinkles on my face when I'm sleeping because I make up

for I supplemented in other ways. But this silk pillow case or whatever her brand is I don't know what it's called, but it's delicious. Oh wonderful. I love that you call them crinkles. Also, I sleep on my side and I wake up my face looks like I've been sleeping a concrete all night. I know you can get one of those pillows that have like the little pads that come up so you put your head in it. I have one of those at my house and so you can't turn and they're really comfortable. I have so

many different pillow stipulations. In the middle of the night, I have to change it up. Then at like three I need a different pillow. So I still need to meet your dogs. Oh, I know, hopefully before they cross over. There are two additional pillows. You're gonna be there in l A in February. I'll have them come to see one of your shows. I would love that they'll clap softly in the background. Oh, I'm miss bert Well, Chloe says, dear Chelsea. I married the love of my life a

week ago today. Everything about our wedding day was so perfect except one thing. His mother was so far beyond disrespectful that I've cried almost every day since just thinking about it. She showed up intoxicated and walked up to us as we were taking pictures, right before having our first look. She had a rotten attitude right off the bat. Didn't compliment me or my dress, didn't say hi, and when I complimented her on her outfit, she blew me off.

My sister complimented her as well, and she just walked away. Even though we were ahead of schedule, the schedule that my coordinator had made, she was trying to hurry pictures along and do things on her own timeline. She released her family to go get dinner before the DJ had announced it was time to eat, and before my husband

and I had even dish up. She came up to us as we were walking around, trying to say hello to every table, clapping her hands at us and telling us to move it along and get the music going, even though the speeches hadn't even started and people were still dishing up food. I was firm and told her we were going by the schedule. The speeches were hilarious and heartfelt, though you wouldn't know it by the look

on her face. She stared at us with a deadpan look across her face the entire time they were happening. It definitely took me out of what was supposed to be a funny and touching moment. There's more, but this email would be a college dissertation if I kept typing. She made me feel like absolute shit, and I certainly know her true feelings about me. Now my question is how do I handle this. I honestly never want to

see her again, but obviously that's not an option. Though my husband is a hundred percent on my side and said we aren't going to her house for Thanksgiving. Thank you for reading this, and I look forward to any advice that you have with love Chloe. And Chloe did mention. I said, you know, is the drinking a habitual thing with her? And she says no, she hardly ever drinks. So that's why this was very out of character. Oh

that's a twist, I thought for sure. Hi Chloe, Hi, Hi, You show up at Thanksgiving to her house and when I say wasted, I mean I don't even want you to be able to walk through the front door. I think that's a great strategy. Dontorry, I think Thanksgiving is not going to be happening. Also, are you a nurse? I am in dental hygiene school work. Yeah, so she's not a drinker, and she just got ways. She must

have been nervous, right, I think. So she's just really emotional about the whole thanks, Like that's her only child getting married. I guess she should be happy that he's getting married. That's what I thought. So I was like, pretty honestly, like, I was pretty devastated when it just was the opposite. I'm like, aren't you happy for us? I am? Yeah, yeah, I think on see, you have to really feel pity for her, because, I mean, that's so sad that she ruined the wedding for herself and

for so many other people. But listen, she didn't ruin your wedding. Don't let her ruin that day. I know you don't, because you're in love and you just said you married the love of your life. That's an unfortunate thing to have had happen. It will be funny in a certain amount of time. Yes, I was going to say the same thing. It's a funny story. She's a hot mess and her like complimenting your outfit and her not receiving the compliment about hers. Of course she didn't.

She's fucking wasted. She can't even hear anything you're saying. You know, she's in a she was in a blackout. Probably does she have any recollection of the wedding? Do you know from your husband? Has he spoken to her? Oh there's a ghost in your house. Do you see that ghost that just went through your door? I swear we just saw a shutow. I'm sure it's the computer screen. So don't worry. Well, I love I love true crime and all that. So okay, Well that ghosts are a

lot different than you cried. But whatever, it's true. Wow, it's not dark it started dark story. Oh my god, what did your husband say to her after the wedding? That's my thing is, like, we haven't there's been no communication. Really. All we had was just a text from her to my husband saying like I should probably apologize for some things I don't really remember. And that was it. Yeah, she doesn't know what happened. She doesn't know what happened.

I would say, listen, as a bigger person, which you obviously are, just try to not take it so seriously. What happened. It's an incident, and you don't want to just hold all this anger and resentment towards her because she clearly obviously has issues. She probably had a really hard time with the day, losing her son in her mind, and she tried to, you know, help that situation by over stimulating herself. And I'm sure she regrets it. I'm

sure she's in a very deep shame spiral. There's no way that you can act like that and not feel like an asshole afterward, you know what I mean, especially when you're not a drinker. She's not a normal drunk, so she's going to have shame about it. Obviously, give it some time, but try to forgive her, you know, let her apologize to you in due time, and if she doesn't, just go. You know, that was really unfortunate. It was a really unfortunate part of the day. Luckily

it didn't ruin my day. But when I think back on that day, I do remember that, and that's that's always going to be with me and now you have to live with that. But don't hold this against her for the rest of her life, you know what I mean. Not going there for Thanksgiving, you're setting enough of a signal that's going to be devastating for her if that's her only son. And I do think you should find

a way to make it funny. I know that sounds hard to do right now, but you either get like a caricature artist to draw like your wedding with her just like creeping in the background, drunk, clapping at birds, drinking like pist off every picture, just because there is something funny about being Nope, not like going back to the ghost, but you literally being haunted by a drunk woman the whole wedding, and it's kind of hysterical. I mean, yeah,

I guess you're right. It's everything really like rolls off my back and I like laugh everything off honestly. So yeah, I just had to really considered doing that with this. Give it, give it some in forgiveness. Yeah, it's funny. We both started laughing as soon as we've heard you they're your letter, not like in a way that we know it's going to be funny, because all things like this end up being hilarious, you know. So just you're you're gonna be fine. Don't don't harbor all this resentment

towards her. I know it's going to take a little bit of time for you to get past it. You can be upset, but you know, try and understand where she's coming from. It's not an excuse, but you know, then you're the bigger person, and then there's really nothing to argue with and it might make you closer. Yeah, that's true. Yeah, especially if she does apologize. It is really kind of more sad than anything else. You know, it's just kind of pathetic, like that's the father or

the mother of the groom. Yeah, the new mother in law of the ghost. The way you feel about it, it will loom less large in your mind. And I love this idea of like turning it into a joke. But when I got married, we had a situation where like it was the most rain in a hundred and fifty years. The person who was going to do the videography couldn't make it, and so it was like a

cousin of somebody who wound up doing it. And for some reason, they decided after I walked down the aisle they should turn off the camera for a little while, and so they did, and then missed most of our ceremony and finally turned it back on like in the

middle of the vows sort of thing. And I was so hurt and crushed by that that for years I didn't watch my wedding video, and then a couple of years ago I finally watched it back and realized there was so much more of the ceremony, which was only like twenty minutes long, but there was so much more than I remembered that was there, and it's such a happy, wonderful memory now. So like your feelings around it will

change and you you'll feel better about it. The most mature thing you can do is to know that you're going to feel differently about this in a little bit. Yeah. Yeah, I guess I was pretty recent, so maybe just some time I would be grateful. Listen, you have a great life ahead of you. You're with you the love of your life. You don't have time to Harvard resentment towards his idiot mother who cares. Yeah, and now you get to be married to him. Yeah, yeah, it's very exciting. Yeah.

And hopefully you're the daughter that you are son that you guys create together, won't be an alcoholic like her grandmother. And for Christmas, center a bottle of vodka and say I thought of you. On every wedding anniversary, you can center a bottle of vodka and go happy anniversary. We know this is your favorite day. Okay, yeah, this already is funny to me. So thank you. Okay, take care, We love you. Thanks Chloe. Oh that was I'm glad

we took that call. Good call. And I know it's like someone calls in with a serious problem that the two people are who sitting here and fucking laughing laughing at the very first sentence. But that is kind of what you need it Like, where when has anyone been to a wedding where there wasn't a drunk asshole. That's the thing. My mom always says, something goes wrong at every single wedding, whether somebody puts the cake in the

sun and it falls over or whatever. My sister in law, the pastor, brought out a laser pointer in the middle of it. Like, something goes wrong and weird at every wedding. So this is just her thing. You know, what do you think went wrong at Tiffany Trump's wedding? Oh my god, I saw the funniest thing. I have to show you, Matteo. You guys, I'll read this to you. Catherine, my friend just posted something so fucking funny. It's a picture of all of that picture of Tiffany Trump. Okay, she is

my favorite of the Trump family. It's hard to have a favorite because it's like it's really it's Lana Trump, Marla Maples, Tiffany Trump in the middle, then Milania and then Ivanka. So they're all standing together and it says traditional family values standing between your mom and the chick you're dad cheated on your mom with who was standing next to your half sister, whose mom your tent sheeted on with your This is so solid, so solid. All Okay, well I figure on that note, we're gonna have to

take a break and wrap it up. Yeah, okay, let's take a break. I'm gonna put poteto in the bubble bath and we're back, and we're back. Well, Matteo, we're going to wrap up. But is there any advice you'd like from Chelsea? There is advice i'd like from you. How do you handle criticism about your act? I mean, there's more evidence that points to your own success than there is that points to your own detriment. For me, I have enough experience to know that I have what

I've got it. I've got the goods, and you know that you've got the goods. So for all those like little people who want to be in your ear or on your Instagram. Those aren't the voices that you have to care about, because you could look at like three hundred comments and you see one out of three hundred,

and then we focus on that. No, you're focusing on the other two, right, But also what you're really focusing on is not ever paying attention to any of those comments either way, and focusing on the trust that you have in yourself as a performer. And I think that just gets louder and louder over time. You know, the more experience you have, the more you know that you know what's up and that you've got the goods. And that's all you have to say to yourself is I've

got the goods. Yeah. Yeah, everyone should say that to themselves, regardless of what you do. Yeah, that's awesome, even if you're at a wedding drunk. Yeah, I've good. I just lost him. Okay, Well, Mattello, I love you so much. I thank you. What an entertaining, fun episode. Yeah, we're gonna have to have Matteo come back as a regular. Yes, it was really it really lightened things up. Yes, and Matteo, I do following you on Instagram and I think you're perfect.

Thank you. Yeah. You want to see somebody who is multitalented and multifaceted. You can follow him on Instagram, TikTok where else? YouTube? Go to YouTube. He's putting out a special on YouTube soon. That's already out my YouTube page. Mataito Lane, Mattel Lane. Oh yeah, yeah, you guys go watch his special on YouTube. It's gonna you're gonna fucking thank us. And you can find him on Netflix's comedy specials, stand Out and the Comedy Lineup. Okay, have a great day.

Thank you. Hi, don't forget to watch my special on Netflix. You guys revolution, It's a revolution. So if you'd like advice from Chelsea, just send us an email at Dear Chelsea podcast at gmail dot com. Dear Chelsea is a production of I Heart Radio. Executive produced by Nick Stuff, produced by Catherine Law, and edited and engineered by Brad Dick Hurt.