The Fancy Crocs with Luenell

Hi Catherine, Hi Chelsea. That's a good exciting day. What's today? Tuesday?

Today is Tuesday Day.

It's Tuesday.

We're recording for our podcast that airs on Thursday. I just got back from Vegas. I did a big promotional shoot. I'm a big announcement coming at some point, and I had a really fun day.

I took Doug to Vegas yesterday. You know how I feel about Vegas.

He loves to fly private.

He only flies privately because I don't think he's going to get along well on a commercial airline, which means that's going to be prohibitive to his travel schedule. I'm already trying to think about my Orca. I'm going to my Orca for the month of June, and I'm like, how can I bring Doug? And then I thought, because I can actually bring him, i'd rush off once.

But it's too hot.

Yeah, he's very furry, He's got a lot of lair.

And I thought I could shave him, but that's so.

I don't know that i'd shave.

I follow the Girl with the Dogs on YouTube and she is like a dog groomer, and she says, for some dogs, it'll ruin their undercoat. It makes some kind of like patchy. It's not good for them. So I would doctor your groomer.

Because he's so silky. It happened with Bernice because they're undercoat. I shaved them too quickly.

Yeah, I just wanted to get down to business and see what was underneath their fur, you know what I mean, because really what I'm after is that body.

And they can be like spotty too. Chow's like we had a chow would have spotted purple.

And yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So I don't think Doug is going to go to my Erica. I just think it's too hot.

Too hot. Yeah.

Well, I have a quick follow up from a caller.

People, as we know, wrote in to Sarah, whose boyfriend couldn't get it up and had lots of opinions last week. So Sarah responded, she said, thanks so much for following up. I loved listening to the suggestions from the Dear Chelsea community. His medication was definitely a big factor that, combined with his already shaky self confidence, was a recipe for disaster. But I'm happy to report that after a trip to the doctor, our sex life has really.

Turned around amazing.

In fact, I can hardly keep him off me. Now, thanks for the advice, Sarah.

So what did they do? Do we know?

They went to the doctor, got it figured out. I think they might have switched his medications. But it was exactly what you called last week.

Okay, great, great, Yeah, I love it. I love it everyone. Now everyone's now they're getting happy penetration.

Very thrilled that Sarah is getting laid.

So I know it's good for the soul to have penetration. Truly. I'm gonna get them later tonight.

Oh that's exciting, I know.

Okay, So we have a special guest on today. She actually is in Vegas all the time, and she flew in special to record this podcast today.

She is a comedian. She is ridiculous, and her nails are longer than Flow Jos. Is that a reference people know anymore?

Joe?

Yeah?

Yeah, I remember that's when the first nails came on the scene was Flow Joe. Remember.

Yeah.

Anyway, her nails are as long as flow Jo's and she's not running anywhere.

Please welcome Lynell. Oh my god, this is so exciting.

This woman is ridiculous and she makes me laugh so hard, not only because of her outfits and her nails that I don't even know how she wipes with them. But her stand up is so fucking funny. She is so fucking funny. And if you're in New York you can

Hey, I'm booked and busy and blessed.

I know you know, yeah, your career, your comedy career. Well, I keep trying to hook up with you, but you live in Vegas.

I live in Vegas and here, I just a year ago this month purchased my first home.

It's my first time.

You know, everybody doesn't get it when everybody else does.

You know, you get it when you're supposed to.

So I've been at my residency in Vegas for four years, living out of the Flamingo Hotel and the Link. But I came upon an opportunity and it is totally upgraded my life.

I love living in Las Vegas.

I just recently got awarded the key to the Strip, oh goes city council people or.

Whatever, and I got a proclamation. Wow.

On March eleventh is Lunelle Day in Las Vegas. And I work for as a great Jimmy Kimmel, you know, a Jimmy Kimmel's comedy club. Yes, Sunday and Monday nights at nine p thirty. So I'm I'm very booked. Like you were saying that you went on a date, I'm like, damn, how how do you do it? Because I don't really date. I want to, but it's you know, our schedule is changed, like with a phone call, you know, and you can make a plan with the guys and all of a sudden, listen.

I can't do it. I'm going to Europe tomorrow, you know.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Sh it is like that. So it's hard for me.

Look at you, I know, I know, well, sometimes I go through phases where I don't have sex or I don't date people for months because it is kind of hard, especially as a woman, you know. I mean, we kind of talk about this and it's a little bit of a beating a dead horse because it's hard as being a woman who has her shit together.

Men don't think that they need you need them.

That is what a guy said. They don't think. Okay, first of all, we don't need you.

Right, So that's actually a good thing. It's not a need. It is a desire, right.

I don't need you for nothing.

And sex, but also a sex is also not a need. It's a desire.

Just to clear it because I've heard people say sex is a need, I'm like, no, no, that's excuse.

That's the excuse the men make to go fuck around. I needed you don't give me enough. We first got married, it was hot, and now I don't do it because I'm one of my favorite shows on TV is Cheaters. I could watch that shit all day and all night. Cheaters and fucking Catfish.

I'm down. I'm like, are you serious? I could watch it.

When was the last time you did have a relationship. Have you ever had a serious relationship?

I've been married.

Oh, okay, so I guess that that would be considered a serious relationship.

Well, not all marriages.

Are well, I mean we didn't stay married how long well, we were legally married for like maybe twenty years, but we've been separated for like eighteen of those years.

And it was just a whole mess.

But I still love him, be very ill right now, Okay, And so I still love but we're divorced and go see him and stuff like that. But we had a it was it was a whole trip.

Okay. And you don't have kids though, right.

I have one daughter. She's twenty eight.

Oh what's her name?

Her name is Danielle.

I had to get rhymes now, well, yeah, and her father's name is Dana, so Dana and Lanelle Danielle. Oh, okay, not Danielle. I don't like Danielle. Every Danielle I know is a bitch. But this is Danielle.

That's it.

And I had to have a tattooed on my arm because I was so fucking frazzled about having a baby. I didn't even know if I could remember her birthday. So I got a tattooed on my arm.

Yeah, yeah, you don't have a great memory.

No, I don't, and my daughter will attest to that.

Do you think it has anything to do with all the pots smoking? Because I spoke a lot of pot too.

But I oh, I can remember my material, and I remember playing to get on that's the most important.

Shit.

Do you remember you go on stage stoned right.

Most of the time?

Well, you know the last time I got stoned with you? Yeah, that's good.

I usually have a I don't usually get stoned, but this weekend I tried getting stoned before I went on stage.

I loved it. I loved it. I love drugs, I love alcohol, I love all of it. But last time I saw you was at.

Chappelle's birthday party in New York City and you had a joint there, which I had to find you because I needed a joint.

I needed a joint, and I was like, where's Linel?

No, listen. Chelsea was coming out of hall, me and my daughter.

Oh yeah, I died right.

He and my daughter are about to go out and smoke a joint. Chelsea says, where are you going? I said, well, I'm gonna go outside to smoking joint. She said, you don't have to go outside.

Now.

We was at a fancy you know, Angela Bassa was there, Gail King was there, Spike Lee was there, all these fancy, fancy people. Candle light dressed up. Chelsea's like, you don't have to go outside.

White privilege white.

She's like, yes, I do. She says, no, you don't. I said, well, you like the motherfucking it.

So she did.

And we sit in the middle of the fucking fancy dinner far smoking the joint blow and smoking everybody's face, and then.

Everyone else started lighting up droids too, so it worked out perfectly. Oh yeah, I loved sometimes I have Like I went to my cousin's wedding over the summer and I had like a whole sheet of microdose LSD and I just handled them out, but I didn't. I just said, oh, this is a mint to the people that I knew wouldn't take drugs, and I know that's ruffine, but but it was such a microdose that I knew it was

No very elites here in La that do the micro dos LSD shit And this other ship did you take when you're with the Indians up in the Hiahuasca?

That shit. I just smoke weed. I smoke, we drink tequila.

So what do you do? You smoke your first join as soon as you wake up.

No, I don't wake and bake like that because I can't smoke on an empty stomach. Oh it makes me crazy, like crazy. I have to have like a you know, some toast and maybe some juice. Really, yes, before I can. I can't smoke on an empty stomach. It makes me insane, more high than usual, no, more hungry than usual.

Oh oh well, die, I gotta.

Eat something first and then I can smoke.

Plus I think that people that wake and bake, I'm like, so you don't want to be sober.

At all, like maybe till noon.

To see what it's like, take care of your business or anything like that. But then also I get sleepy. But that's why I smoke sativa and not inticate, and itica puts me down.

And you don't smoke cigarettes.

No, I detest any tobacco.

Oh good, good for you.

Cigarettes, cigars, all that bullshit pipes, all that. I don't like tobacco. I don't want to kiss you. I don't want to smell you. I don't want you to leave that smell of my couch.

Nothing. You can't come in my house if you smoke cigarettes.

Garettes are pretty dissed, and.

That includes family members.

Of my Yeah, I mean cigarettes are pretty gross.

I had a friend of a group of friends that came to my house in my arca last summer and they don't really smoke, but they were smoking on this vacation. So of course I just do whatever anyone else is doing. If I have a group that exercises, I exercise group that wants to smoke cigarettes. I also smoked cigarettes, but I after a week with them, I was like, get the fuck out of my house. I am turning into My skin was gray by the time they left my house.

Lives dry.

Yeah, and the smell, the smell.

A smoker who has a non smoker mate.

That's some kind of love that I can't I can't understand because I can't you can't be my mate.

We can't get together. You smoke.

I think the same thing all the time. How does someone who doesn't smoke with somebody who does? Can I ask about your sex life with comics, because you hang out with a lot of comics. You were doing the Chappelle's Camp, right, the Comedy Camp for a while.

Do you ever have you ever hooked up with any comics.

I haven't fucked in comics since like the eighties.

No.

Let me see.

The last comic guy I had sex with was in ninety five. That's why I had a baby.

In ninety six.

So he was a comic.

Yeah, my daughter's father's a comic.

That's why we're making it a family trip when I go do the Apollo because years ago, my baby daddy performed at the Apollo, back when I think Sindbad was hosting it or something, and that was, you know, forty years ago whatever. So we're all together, my daughter, he and I. He have not been in the Apollo since then. Probably thought he would never go back in there because we live on the West Coast. And my daughter can now say that both her parents have performed at the Apollo.

Oh wow, that's a lot of pressure for her to fucking perform at the Apollo.

She's fine. She's a dancer. She dances like you know for award shows and stuff.

She danced with Lizo to Grammy, she dance with Coiler Ray and been on tour to like Amsterdam and like that.

So you know what I saw someone try to wear this weekend or no, someone showed me a picture or something because they knew how sick I would make. It would make me. They're selling crocs, but in heels, now high heeled crocs.

Okay, can I okay hold the train?

Say yes, like you're getting a pair of Catherine No gyes.

I've seen them.

That would be it?

Okay?

Can I speak on crocks for a minute? Yeah, So don't look down I'm wearing.

Oh my No, let me tell you, you know what.

I didn't even get to your feet because your body is so bodacious that I had to focus on that.

Let me explain first of all, No, don't I'm show people. I'm gonna show you. Is this gonna be on YouTube and stead?

I don't know, I don't know what.

Yes, it probably will.

Okay, So I'm gonna show the people the crocs, and I'm gonna get sure reaction about the crock. First of all, let me go on record but saying I hate crocs. I think they make your feet look like many mouse feet.

You know many mouse the feet. Yes, yes, I think they're for nurses.

I actually don't remember many mouse's feet.

They're big like this, and and and Mickey's feet are big like that too.

Fuck those two mice anyway.

I'm like mice in general, but I don't like him.

And then I had double knee replacement surgery during the Corona and a.

Girl reached out to me. We dou double.

I had one and I had the other one four months later. It changed my life. I wouldn't be here under I would have committed suicide if I didn't get my knees. Oh it was that bad bone on bone, yeah yeah, yeah, So it's all better. So during the Rohner, when I had my surgeries, this girl reached out to me on Instagram and she's like, Lunel, I made crocks you like these other? Oh my god, those would be

I'm more interested in what your foot that you just took out of it like a real chicken McNugget deluxe.

They're blinged out.

I mean, that's as cute as it's gonna get it.

This is And I've got like seven pair and there I'm like.

And is it Gucci? Are they Gucci? Okay? I got it? Oh yeah, that's cute. No, those are cute, and.

They're good for the airport. You can slide in and out.

And you know, by the way, you shouldn't be taking your shoes off on planes. Do you know that?

I wear socks?

Honey, Okay, you fucking better because that is disgusting and unsanitary.

I don't like I don't like it. I wear socks.

First of all, I'm not going through the security thing barefoot behind flesh eating disease. Isn't that still out there? What if you stand behind somebody like that? Now your feet are falling up.

One of my friends we were going through the airport a couple of days ago, and she like laughed at me when I put on socks with my sandals before going through the you know the thing, And then when she got up there, she's like, oh no, no, I'm barefoot.

I was like who's laughing.

Now your luck, I'm not walking behind barefoot. Random.

My friend Kelly in Africa, she she has like she doesn't like her feet to touch anything public, like any public facing situation. So we were in Africa and we're taking these like little going to these tiny little airports and bopping around and they were like okay. She basically worked it out with our safari guy that she had a medical emergency so she wasn't allowed to take her shoes off because of her phobia of touching any dirt. So she was allowed to wear her shoes through all

Ain't gonna fly and Dubai have your feet.

Ye just don't like walking behind people like that.

No.

I was on a plane yesterday and the woman there was a six month old baby in its own seat next to me by itself, and the mother was in the row in front of her.

Baby is like six months old, it's strapped into the seat. I got yes, and I was like, I'm sorry, am I supposed to take care of this baby?

Like?

Baby is this? And then the woman she was sitting in front of me, and I said, excuse me, is this your baby? And she's like, oh, yeah yeah, And I go, are you allowed to just put.

The baby in a seat by and she goes, yeah, I bought in his own ticket, or I bought her her own ticket. And I was like, don't you want to sit where with your baby? And she was actually, I prefer to sit here.

And I'm like, you think I wouldn't sit next to your six little baby. I'm never was two hours.

It was from San Francisco to uh or No, San Francisco back to LA It was an hour.

And it was on an airline, a real airline, commercial.

Give a ship.

Nobody's sitting next to my baby. They could be doing anything to my fucking baby.

I don't want the baby anywhere near me.

I understand that too.

I mean, who cares. It's just.

In the middle.

It wasn't in a seat or anything like. It wasn't in a baby scene. I was just sitting there like it was an adult.

And the airline allowed that. Cocktail shit, I don't know.

I had two cocktails at noon. I was like, fuck, I'll take a Vikasota. And then I was like, I don't even drink a. So you've never had sex with comics since nineteen since the last time you had sex with comics, and then you I only had sex with a couple of comics early in my career because it's just not hot, you know, comic on comics.

Sens and then if it goes wrong, then the guy has probably gone to do some material about you.

And now you got beef like, yeah, the crips and the bloods.

Yeah, because if a motherfucker said something about me on stage, I would tear that ass up.

But it has not happened.

Well, thank God for that, Thank God for small miracles.

Now you spend most of your time in Vegas working at this Jimmy Kimmel Comedy Club, and I know you have your residency there right, So you've had a lot of success later in life, in your professional life. So tell me how that's impacted you.

Well, you know, when you're younger, you want what you want, You want it right now, you know, and when you don't get it like that, but you do still get it, but you get it later, I feel like you appreciate it more and you won't fuck it up as easy. You know, I did all my I did all my fuck ups before I even left the Bay Area, before I came to LA, Like I did all the coke and everything like that in Oakland. When I got to LA, I was already all coked out, so I didn't didn't

Thank God, everyone need, anyone who needed it to turn from cocaine has one because you can't do it anymore.

Russian Roulette with that shit now. So I also feel that if I had got a house earlier, who knows if I'd have been able to sustain it. My money is pretty stable now, and that's good everything that I've got. Bevery Smith always says it gets greater later, and you don't want to hear that shit when you're young. But you're still figuring shit out for like years, you know, like everybody doesn't, you know, get a YouTube channel, make a million dollar everybody mama house, like a lot of

So I feel like we appreciate it more. We do what it.

Takes to stay out of the shit. We mind our own business. We don't get caught up in the bullshit.

We don't social.

Media, bank what you do, I don't, and you know stuff like that. So, yeah, it impacted my life in a great way. I'm all good now.

Yeah, Yeah, it's nice to be It's nice to be earning a good living doing what you love to do.

Oh for sure. Like that eats all day for sure.

And it feels so it's so helpful for your self assuredness and your confidence and the way you go through life. When you feel financially secure, when you feel settled, you have a house, you have job security.

Yeah.

I have seven brothers and sisters, and believe you me, nothing means more to them than you not asking them for money. Nothing means more. That's when you have made it. They don't ask me for no money and actually help out when you can. So I enjoy that. And also I feel like being a comic, we don't have to rely on a band background singers, glam squad, maybe you do, I don't because I do my own ship.

You don't have to wait on nobody. It's just us.

Well, you're also monetizing your own personality. Yeah, we're making money off of being ourselves. Like what a gift that is. We just get to be ourselves and make a living doing that. Not everybody can do that.

Well, not everybody's interesting.

No, I will not worry.

We will not anybody's interesting or not everybody's interested in monetizing their own personality. Right, I'm like, what's the least amount of work I could do be myself? I'd rather just be myself get paid for that.

How do you work that out?

Okay, we're gonna take a quick bake. We're going to bake. Actually, we're gonna take a little break of bake, and we'll be right back.

Need advice from Chelsea about a coworker situation. Right into Dear Chelsea podcast at gmail dot com.

And we're back with Lonelle. Do you like to do you prefer Lonel or Lunell either? It Relly my driver who knew you when I said I was interviewing you today. He said, oh, and I said Linnell, she's a comic, and he goes Lunew and I was like, yeah, you know her, and he goes, yeah, I know her from years ago.

He said he used to drive you around.

Yeah, there's a lot of boys that said he used to drive me around.

He said, you tried to do yeah. Okay, Well okay, so you know what goes on here. We're gonna take callers. We give them a okay. People call in and they want advice, and that's why we're here.

For Yeah, me too, I fucking love it too.

Our first question comes from Annie says, I'm living with my boyfriend and our mutual best friend. We've all been friends for over a decade, traveled and lived together, and are currently living together, just the three of us. I've always thought this friend of ours was attractive, and maybe even then and maybe even that, I'm possibly in love with him, but I've held those feelings in the whole time, so he can all just be good friends and I don't ruin it for everyone. Well, this roommate and I

When my boyfriend and I hit a rocky patch and he took some space.

I told our friend about it and we ended up going all the way that night and a few times after that. When my boyfriend got back, we stopped and haven't had much physical interaction since then. My problem is I love them both. My boyfriend is just an epic person. My roommate, on the other hand, I've never been more attracted to anyone in my life, and I cannot stop thinking about it.

I believe I'm in love with him.

It was a crush the whole time, but recently I'm thinking about him as a life partner. I don't know what the heck to do. I love living with them both where great friends have fun, and in some sort of twisted way, I'm getting the best of both worlds.

Yeah, I'm curious. I'm curious if you think.

I should move out and leave my wonderful life and look elsewhere. Tell them both I like them or what. Please help, Chelsea, I know you'll set me straight.

Annie, you go first.

Oh my god, what a fucking mess. You can't fuck your roommate while your boyfriend lives there. That is so disrespectful. That you did that.

Boys do it all the time.

Yeah, they do it is, but it's still disrespectful. It's I mean, it doesn't justify it because boys do it. I don't want to be a boy.

Say how old she is?

She's like twenties, she's in her twenties.

I say, fuck them both.

Okay, great advice, Yeah keep yeah, yeah, Well it's gonna blow up, and your boyfriend is not going to forgive you for fucking your roommates. I think you break up with your boyfriend right away and maybe pursue it the roommate.

You become such a prude.

I have morals, Okay, I have standards and moral is this?

Can I see? Chelsea?

Yeah, yeah, I'm right here.

I don't you say fuck Everyone left said, Yeah, you gotta have some sort of boundary.

Not there, not in the environment. Don't listen.

Don't even listen to what the fuck she's said.

Why am I here?

Okay, go ahead, go ahead, Okay.

I say this because number one, her boyfriend's a fucking great guy.

Yeah, epic, she says that epic guy.

You don't want to get rid of him.

Number two, the other guy, you're just hot in the pants for he may not be as great a guy as the boyfriend. Okay, you motherfuckers knew when you moved in together that some ship like this might happen. In the back of somebody's mind, somebody mind.

To be guilty too.

So I say, continue on with what you're doing, to be very cautious, be prepared for to blow up, because it will. Don't be all crying, all broken hearted because you fucking did it.

Take the l move on, don't.

You, jo First of all, that's that is that is the only piece of your advice that I agree with, is when it fucking blows up, don't start crying and acting happened.

It happened because you couldn't keep your fucking pants on, and you have to keep sucking your roommate.

You can keep their pants on in their twenties. Come on, child, I know.

But it's not cool if you have a great boyfriend and you fuck your roommate that you've been fantasizing about.

Well, she should, she should release.

That boyfriend, and she should release herself into the wilderness so she can go sower oat.

So she can be miserable for the rest of her life.

No, right now, she's just making people miserable.

Now nobody's miserable. She did say, nobody's complaining. Well, so what he don't know won't hurt him. And the other motherfucker he's a dog because he's fucking his boy's girl.

Would you be in a relationship?

Would you ever put in and be in a situation where you lived with two roommates and you were fucking both of them and one thought they were your boyfriend.

I've lived with two roommates that I was fucking anybody, But I have fucking father and son before. Now, how about that? How about them apples?

Well, that is something. Tell us more about that. I would like to know about a father's son.

I've never Yeah, years ago, when I lived in Oakland, California, when I was hot in the athim in my twenties, I fell in love with this bass player guy that was in this band, so I used to hang out.

It was a studio rat check, hang out.

The studio, sleep in the studio, listen to him practicing, all that kind of stuff. Fine, then we got older and about our little separate ways. Many years later, this guy gets at me because I used to do a show like this in Oakland on the Sobe Television Network local cable station and where people could.

Call in and stuff like this.

This guy called me and he was so consuming he wanted to get Amy Kpeton's station.

We hooked up and so we were laying in.

Bed talking one day and he said, yeah, my dad blah blah blah blah his name. And I said blah blah blah. He said, yeah, blah blah blah. I said blah blah blah blah blah blah, and he said yeah. I said, oh my god, I said that's your father. He said, yeah, Oh my god. You'll never guess what happened.

I told him.

And what did he think?

Well, you know, he will, you know, the typical mail ship. Well, who's better in bed? Actually he was. Daddy was all right. But you know, we were doing a lot of drugs back then. So the impotency cocaine ain't never made nobody dig hard like they think, and make it.

Very hard to get a hard deck on. It's very hard to get a hard deck cocaine. Cocaine and a variety.

Of other drugs as well.

Quite frankly, everyone needs to just carry viagra with them after you turn fucking forty men need to carry VIAGRAA no, just.

State younger man, fuck some viagra.

We don't want to date a thirty year old.

I don't want to date a sixty year old because I'm not putting ice pack on your gout foot. Whatever the fuck's wrong with you?

So very specific.

No, Who's Who's our next call Catherine?

So our next color is Josie. She is a stay at home mom. She says, you're Chelsea.

I'd love your opinion and advice on a topic I've been struggling with for twenty years.

Orgasms.

The first time I had sex, I was seventeen and I'm thirty seven now, and I have never once had an orgasm with a man.

I was married a minute with a man with a man. Yeah, a good point. I was married from twenty two to twenty five.

I cheated on him and divorced him, and that marriage was filled with exciting sex. Still, the only way I was able to orgasm was from porn and or a vibrator by myself.

My ex knew this was the case and was fine with it.

We just continued about our merry way and still had sex about five times per week. I've been married to my current husband for almost eleven years and have not had an orgasm with him once. I'm ashamed to admit that I've been faking it the whole time. It doesn't bother me that much since I'm still able to get off maybe once a week by myself. I've never had a huge sex drive regardless of this issue. I don't want to tell my husband I've been faking it for

Chelsea your show.

Her name is Josie to go with Chelsea and Linelle.

Because you know I'm going to disagree with what she said. I know.

Hi, Josie, Hi you all, Oh see you? Hi. This is our special guest Linel. She's from.

Outer space.

Round the way, She's she dropped by. She came in from Vegas hot off the darmac tarmac.

Oh man, I feel like I should be wearing stung glasses right now too.

Well, you're not anonymous, even if you had him on, because there you are right on the camera.

Yes, Now did you want to go first on this shore? Why didn't you take it?

Okay?

First of all, you and ninety eight percent of women in marriages are faking orgasms.

First of all.

Okay, because some people will sacrifice an orgasm for a really good man. Now, this guy must be a really good guy. Maybe he's a good provider and he loves you, he loves you, loves fucking you and stuff like that, and you're faking it, you know, just what's Look, what's the problem. Let him go to work, bust out the vibrator, rub one out, and keep keep going about your day.

Oh?

Absolutely, He's a fantastic man.

Okay, well you know, But so you're able to have an orgasm by yourself, which means you're able to have an orgasm and with porn and with porn. Right, I like to fantasize about porn a lot. When I'm having an orgasm. I think about a couple of scenes in some porn movies I've seen that really gets my juices flowing, so I can I can relate to what you're saying.

I won't mention what those movies are because they're too embarrassing.

The plot lines is a gay point, well, lesbian portant, I do like lesbian gave me.

I don't like to oppose a gay porn either.

Dick, I tell you, I pick up a few pointers watching somebody.

But whose dick are you sucking? No one, you're saying one taking sucking classes right now?

I don't I do. My big second is trans.

Josie, have you ever had your husband give you an orgasm with the vibrator while you're fooling around with him?

Oh? She just came.

She just came to Okay, So you.

You've never had him give you an orgasm with the vibrator while you guys are fooling around.

No, but that's a great idea. And he gave me one for Valentine's Day last.

Year, coicked.

So bring that into the bedroom and show him. He doesn't know exactly what to do. You have to show him what to do.

Agree with that, Chelsea, Oh.

Thank you. You have to show point your finger and tell him higher, lower, there.

But are you like that? Are you sweet?

Yeah?

I'm not like, Hey, higher, I had to ask, but I want them, I want to help them. I'm not going to fake an orgasm at this age. I've done exactly what you did for twenty years. First of all, it takes concentration to have an orgasm. You have to concentrate. I'm not sure what exactly, but I know you need to concentrate. Your fucking clatorus is what you need to concentrate on. But you know you can have one, so

That information isn't healthful. But just start getting a little bit. I bet you he's going.

To be great at it once you show him the way, and then you're gonna have even better sex with your husband.

You already have a really healthy sex life. Three times a week is great.

Yeah, you're fucking blessed. What the fuck are you.

Since the eighties?

Yeah, I'll agree with Chelsea.

Maybe have him says he bought it for you, Maybe have him use it on you.

Okay, I like this.

Buzz your way into happiness.

Buzz your way and also don't fake it anymore. Get him involved in helping you orgasm.

And I would wager that if he bought you the vibrator, he wants to use it with you. Yeah, you know, so you could be like, hey, guess what I thought would be hot, Let's try this, and then if he's still not getting it from you, like describing like high or lower, let's do it this way.

You can be like, you know it would be hot, why don't you watch watch me?

Yeah, I like that. Okay, okay, I like that.

And also try some different combinations with the vibrator, like have him fingering you, have him do whatever, like turn you know, not just the clatorous stimulation, but some girls need a bunch of things to happen at the same time. Some girls like to have a finger in their asshole when they're having an orgosoics.

This girl, Yeah, I know what you like. You can't put your finger in anyone's.

Yeah, I am a doctor and I am a doctor, and I don't do that.

That's really helpful. I just yeah, it's just been on my heart for years and years and years after.

Put it in your pantings and let's go. Yes, ma'am okay.

I like, yeah, you're gonna be fine. Just be more communicative.

That's a really good idea to get the vibrators out that he bought me for. That's a really great idea.

I love that.

It's gonna be fun.

Okay, right, know how it went?

Yes, I sure will you know, I'll check back in. Thank you Catherine, thank you Read and Nel.

She's feeling is feeling marginalized. Right, she's go have an orgasm right.

Now, we'll do okay, Yes, stay on the phone. How how frequently do you masturbate?

I don't anymore, not much. Only when I come to l A because that's when I vibrator.

Oh really, do you keep it in a storage facility here?

No? I keep it by the bed in my house in la but I get my housekeeper that is from my neck.

I had this face thing like for your under eyes, like this like vibrator contraption that you like smooth out your under eyes when they're puffy.

And I had it in a hotel room in London.

I stayed in there for a month and every morning, every time I come back to the hotel, they would have it right next to my bed, like on a piece of like one of those little it was a really fancy hotel, and they had on one of those like yes, yes, like on these special towels that they had in the bathroom that are like face towels, and they would like wrap it nicely. I'm like, I can't believe they think that they're wrapping my vibrator up each

Next, our next question comes from Dave.

This is just an email, or maybe it's Dave Chappelle.

He says, I'm thirty five mail.

I've been married for thirteen years to my best friend, who is a gorgeous blonde. Her workplace is ninety five percent mail, which was never a problem until recently. She brought up to me that a friend of mine who works there tried to make a pass at her. I was appreciative of the honesty. Fast forward a couple of months and he started to avoid me and doesn't talk to me anymore. Then I find out she's deleting text

Yeah, but why are you reading her phone? I know exactly, I know.

It's like, exactly, No, I had a boyfriend who ran through my phone and.

I I just go looking for some shit you're going for.

Yeah, exactly, it's like, but I mean, deleting the messages is also like a sign that you're He.

Wouldn't know if they were being deleted, if he didn't go prowling around.

If the guy is he.

A friend of the man outside of the port, okay, and now the guy is avoiding him and shit, so he's acting shady. She's doing the right thing by deleting the messages, because number one, we don't know what the fuck she wrote back. She might be leading this motherfucker on. She covering her own ass. And then also the friend you need to go ahead on and be glad that he not fucking with you no more. He clearly wants to fuck your broad and you don't need to be

I don't know if somebody's deleting messages. I find that.

I mean, you don't know they're deleted if you don't know, But.

That's not the point.

She's still the guy's acting strange. So why is the guy from work, I can think strange.

Because he knows that he can't look him in the eye no more because he was broad.

Yeah, but so then that's what the guy's trying to find out. So if that's the truth, she's flirting with that guy, don't you think her husband does have a right to know that she's flirting with some coworker.

Listen, we all flirt, don't we.

That's the thing.

Like, flirting is not cheating, and like, if you are in a work environment that's ninety five percent man like, it does kind of get you a little farther if you're like that cute flirty girl at work, you know, and that my carry over to text messages.

I don't know about this subject matter. I really just don't.

I don't go through people.

I will never go through someone's phone again. I used to do that. I had a relationship once where I was paranoid and I looked through his phone, and of course I found stuff.

No, no, I never looked through fifty cents phone. I never did.

We weren't together for long enough for him to get up to any other business, although maybe he did.

Maybe he was fucking the whole world.

I don't know.

We only dated for two months.

I hate it right now?

You would?

She just showed me picture of her with fifty cent. Where did you see him in Vegas?

Well? You know is that really important? Where we were and broke up?

Can I see your phone? I want to see your phone?

You want to go to be my phone?

You would have sex with fifty cent? You would have? Really?

Why?

Because you find him hot?

Well? Yeah, because I think he is really sweet.

And really sweet is a sweetheart?

Yeah, And I mean no, I really probably wouldn't because I know, you know, Vivica as well, And so you know, I don't want to.

What's their story Vivica in fifty Well.

No, I just don't want to. I'm not that bitch that well fuck your ex boyfriend. I'm not her. But if he would not involved with you, if he would not involved with her, and if he wanted me me.

I would say, listen, I would first of all tell you to go fuck fifty cent. I would be happy for you, so you don't have to worry about that aspect of things. I don't consider anyone to be a real boyfriend if you haven't dated them for less.

White Chelsea in the Black World, you don't do that shit. Vivica would never fucking forgive me if I went fuck fifty cent. When she is clearly declared on television that that was the love of her life.

Oh she has.

I don't know that love of her life.

I could pull her up, so I don't you know. And they was for that a hot minute. There was a hot ass.

How long did they date?

Not long?

Maybe six months something like that. But a lot can't happen her six months. You could be a love love love love in six months. So I wouldn't do that for that aspect. But if he if he was any you know, if he wasn't involved with people, I knew if he wanted me lounell.

Yes, I would fuck fifty cent uh huh.

What about Bill Cosby?

I have a picture of me and Bill.

Oh really? Is it in his hotel room?

No?

But I was sleep on the shoulder. I don't know if he gave me anything.

You fell asleep on his shoulder?

Huh.

I think I've seen you fall asleep publicly though before, like twice.

No, you have not, liar, but I do. I put him and I posted that picture.

Don't look on your face, knock, I haven't.

I put that picture on my Instagram once of me and Cosby and I had my head on his shoulder like this, and underneath the picture I wrote Bill, I'm feeling sleepy. I think I need to go, and it was very popular post. But I don't fuck old men.

First of all, have you ever had what was what's the oldest man you've ever had sex with?

Like maybe in this maybe early seventies, but a.

Very that's fucking old.

But that was a very fit motherfucker.

Like how fit was he and who was it fit.

Enough to have a hard dick that would work in me.

That's it, you know, But I'm not fucking nobody would gout goddamn it.

I've never had sex with a seventy year old, actually seventy year old. I had sex with a sixty year old. Well, a couple of sixty year olds.

Okay, that adds up to one hundred and twenty year old.

Well, no, it doesn't, it doesn't. And that was a long time ago.

Well, this was a long time ago. But I don't, you know, I don't. I don't do the.

Guys, what about anal? Do you do anal?

Apps? So motherfuckingly not.

Yeah, black women do not like to talk about anal.

No, I'll talk about it and let you know. I don't funk around. First of all, ouch, how about that?

How about it?

Second of all, everybody, asshole don't look like the picture?

You know what I mean?

Well, where is the picture of the asshole that you saw? First?

A dictioneer.

Assholes are all sorts of different colors. Some are picks, some.

Have hemorhoids, some don't, and open summer tight like a lip. Yeah, or Harry asshole is impenetrable. It's a virgin.

Okay.

Well, things come out of it, So that's the way God wanted it. But if things can come out, they can go in.

God want you.

That's what a whole is when something can go in.

Or no, but a vagina has moisture making quality booty old do not, but that's diarrhea.

But you can just you know, what you can do is take some of the moisture from the pikachu.

And don't mean that everybody.

So should we tell Dave that he should drop it with his girlfriend or do we think like, who got us here?

Oh ship?

Oh God, take that girl?

I'm out.

I know this is like I don't know what to say to Dave because it's just obviously something's up. I would just go straight to the man and find out what's going on, be like like man, and man, are you fucking?

Probably just do but no one's gonna tell the truth. That's the problem.

And she flirt.

Let's keep it a buck, Like what guy is gonna be like, yeah, I'm fucking your wife, Like unless he's in love with her.

I don't know if you wat.

I'm sorry that, I'm sorry that we can't help you more.

But it sounds to me I would say instinctually something is up in your marriage.

She's up to something.

And I would also say stop checking her phone and try to find out another way.

That's a little bit less. Yeah, checking the phone at a certain page, we have to.

Go look for you find it.

I'm going to look through your phone and I know what I.

Yeah, exact in my phone.

Well, our next question comes from Sophia. Sophia, says Bgara.

Of course, Sophia Bergara says, Dear Chelsea, my wife and I are starting to look into our options for sperm donors. She's always wanted to be a mom and be pregnant, and after deconstructing that idea and defining the reasons behind it, we decided that we want to start a family together. So when it comes to pregnancy for a lesbian couple, you can have anonymous donors, gay friends, or, as we've

Oh, that's the wife's brother not to.

Tell Yeah too, it's a first of all, it's a pair of lesbians. Would you figure that out?

Bit?

I heard what she said.

It's a nice idea.

A lot of people do this, but I mean a lot of people who are in families and our a brother or sister are not interested in doing this for their brother or sister. So that's something to just contemplate and know going in that it's not a sure thing

Make it a.

Casual offering or suggestion, it's not an offering really like a suggestion, so that you're just gauging the temperature, because he might be like, no fucking way, or he might be like, oh that's weird, like that's interesting. Let me think about it, because do they have children? Does he have children with his wife?

I just say, get your paperworking order, because he sounds like an asshole. They have had times where they didn't fuck with each other, you know what I mean, And you don't want this to get weird down the line.

So even if it.

Is your brother, even if he says, okay, get your fucking paperwork in order about what his rights are gonna be and what his rights ain't gonna be or you're gonna do it now or do it later, do it now, go to court later.

Yeah, well, you definitely have to get your paperwork in order if you're having someone's you know, taking someone's sperm or eggs or embryos anything like that.

But also can you help drop the contracts for that?

I got a guy okay, Yeah, I mean I don't know how I feel about it, Like if somebody asks me for my eggs, I mean obviously they're not girl.

Don't know why I want them old ride or bad powdered eggs.

You got girl, my nis and shit, that ship has sailed, so look moving on.

I think you answered this question.

Somebody tried to give you a baby yesterday. Chelsea's ye.

I've had babies like there's some sort of magnetic pull, Like all these kids are around me all the time, and I don't want them.

I have seventeen nieces and nephews. I'm the only sibling with just one child. And I tell you, kids, the worst you talk to them, the more they like, you know, because they feel like you care. I got this celebrity friend and she just had a baby with a surrogate. They got the baby, the babies at home, and I was giving them black mother and advice because like a lot of white families, they're.

Like, sh the baby's to sleep, we can't talk, don't wake up the baby.

And black families will have the baby a newborn on your chest while we're playing fucking cards, dominoes at the party or anything like that, because the baby heard your voice the whole time.

It was in you.

So they to sleep better with the noise than they do in the quiet. You know, it was never quiet when it was in you. So I was just telling them, don't get everybody trained, don't get your baby trained to sleep in the quiet, get your baby trained to sleep with noise around it, because life is noisy and you're not gonna always be in a quiet place, and the motherfucking need to know how to go to sleep.

No, I agree with that.

I don't like when people are like, oh, and they have to buy blackout shades in the baby's room, and it's like, wait, why does a baby need blackout shades? You just fucking got here, like he's got to figure out what's happening.

Listen. I've been to jail before.

I know how to sleep with a floodlight on me, and they don't turn out the lights in jail.

I slept in jail one night and it was so awful.

I've never felt worse because of that, the fucking light in your face.

Well, the handcuffs were uncomfortable either.

You slept in handcuffs. They didn't unhandcuff you once you were unhandcuffedy what you get arrested for embezzelment on money grab and light in bezzil man coming at you lie from dear Chelsea, how many days did you spend in jail?

Months? Oh?

Really, I missed my child's first Halloween and first Thanksgiving because I was in jail.

Oh so this is like twenty eight years ago.

Yeah, I haven't gone to jail no more.

You go spend four months in jail with a new baby, you probably would get your shit together quickly.

Is that what happened? You got your shit together after that, chel Stin? Yeah? Yeah, Jael looks like it fucking blows.

It does.

From the minute you see the light behind you on the highway, or from the minute the cops entered the establishment that you're in.

It's downhill from there, all of it.

The confrontation, the handcuff behind your back. You know, if we don't walk around with our arms behind our back so.

Your shoulders hurt, that's we're old.

The space in the back of the police car is not plush, it's not roomy.

Well, I mean, I'm saying that it's gonna be fun.

No, I'm letting you know it ain't fun. You had one day I'm and that was miserable. I don't go to jail people, because it's not It's not like on TV.

I was so scared.

I just found the biggest woman I could find right away. And I was like, protect me. I'm like, I have money, I will pay you when I get out, and you need to be my best friend. And she was like fine, and I'm like, I won't be here for long, I promise, but I need you to sleep.

I did have a big someone Selly named Baby. She was like twenty three years old, she had five kids. And she said, miss Gumbo, Miss Gumba, listo exercise. I said, I don't feel like exercising, baby, Okay, miss Gamba, don't make me pick you up. Oh fuck okay, let's go fucking emphercise and shit fuck baby.

I love samoans. I love their bodies.

I do too.

I love that body type.

Oh I like it because they're not they're strong, well, the ones I like.

They're strong, but they sort of have a little dad bought you know.

They're not all mascular, all roided the funk out. Just regular big strong ass man out with hair.

Hair.

Okay, we're going to take a break and we'll be right back.

And we were back.

Well, this has been quite the hour with Linnelle. Yeah, it is. That's an hour.

I mean I really appreciate you flying in from your Vegas residency to be here with me today.

I couldn't wait. I mean, I can.

Only do like twelve hour spurts in Vegas because I'm.

Out of control. Yeah, I go hard, I go hard, and then I have to get the fuck out of the.

God damn it. What is no?

No, no, no, I don't I don't funk with tequila. I'm not a tequila. We'll do that together. We'll save efforts together for that one.

Okay.

So if you love Lunelle, just please go and follow her on Instagram, watch her special on Netflix. You can go and buy tickets to the Apollo tomorrow night, which you will not disappoint and goodbye.

Thank you the now.

Okay, guys, So for stand Up, we added a second show in Sydney, and we added a second show in Prior Lake, Minnesota, which is now going to be May twenty fourth. We added the Santa Barbara Bowl, which is so fun. I performed there last year. That's August seventeenth, the Santa Barbara Bowl. We added a second show at Santa Rosa on August second, and we added two dates at Hawaii. Guys, I'm coming to Hawaii on July nineteenth.

To CA Who Louis. I'm gonna be at CA Who Louis? And then I'm coming on July twenty. It's Honolulu.

And oh I just added another date on August first, Auburn, Washington, SO and all my Australia and New Zealand dates are up, and I will be announcing a European tour shortly and May.

Third, which is my mother's birthday.

Norman, Oklahoma, So Oklahomians, Oklahomans, Okloams, come bye.

If you'd like advice from Chelsea, shoot us an email at Dear Chelsea podcast at gmail dot com and be sure to include your phone number. Dear Chelsea is edited and engineered by Brad Dickert executive producer Catherine Law and be sure to check out our merch at Chelseahandler dot com