Taking Your Dog’s Xanax with Connie Britton

is me with something to say. I wrote a new book. It's called Life Will Be the Death of Me, and um, I'm gonna read the first chapter of the book to set the tone for everybody about where I was in my life when I wrote this. The book is dedicated to my future husband, whoever he is. If you're here, if you're a straight man here tonight by yourself. There are no straight men here by themselves, no fucking way, And if they are, they're seventy. The chapter is called

where have I Been All my life? I don't remember the actor and I don't remember the movie, but I remember it was five o'clock in the afternoon, and I had just taken a couple of hits off of my vape pen. I needed to load my picks account, which held pre released movies that I was expected to screen before a star of one of the movies was a

guest on my Netflix talk show. I was sitting on one of my overpriced Shaise lounges, the kind that celebrities and Russians purchased for their bedrooms, when I found myself once again unable to convert the TV that descends from the ceiling from Apple TV two picks rich people have descending to smart television's. The idea is that they descend silently and gracefully from the ceiling, But because I am nouveau che rich, mine sounds more like a helicopter is

fucking landing. I'd like to blame my inability to change the mode of my television picks on the fact that I was stoned, but that would be a lie. I'd be even less capable if I were sober. I called my assistant Brandon at his house to tell him to tell my other assistant, Tanner, who was downstairs in my house, to come upstairs and help me with the television. I hung up the phone. I looked down at the table

and saw the vait pen. How many more hits of marijuana am I gonna need to take to get through this movie? I knew things that hit a new low or high, depending on how you looked at the situation. I picked up the iPad that controls the TV along with everything else in my house, from the window shades to the exterior lights in my backyard to my pulse probably and tried to pretend that I was troubleshooting so that Tanner would think I had at least tried to figure it out on my own, as if that had

ever happened before. How did I become so useless? And how many assistants did I actually have? The answer is to Brandon and Tanner. Brandon is gay and has an incredible attention to detail. Tanner is straight, and before he met me, he thought the Four Seasons was a weather pattern. Before I met Tanner, I thought Venma was an online

liquor store. I didn't want to watch another stupid movie that I didn't care about, and I really didn't want to interview another action star blow viating about his motivation for playing a half man, half mur made. I didn't care, and I wasn't doing anyone any favors by pretending that I did. Did I ever care? The answer is yes. There was a time when all of this mattered to me.

There was a time when being famous and having this kind of success and money and having a TV show was what drove me to want more and more and more. And now I found myself exhausted and ashamed by the meaninglessness of it all. I remember coming home a couple of weeks before the two thousand and sixteen election on a windy fall night, which for Los Angeles is rare. Anytime there's weather in Los Angeles, even rain, it's exciting. The constant sunshine can start to grade on your nerves.

I went up to my bedroom, I opened up my sliding glass doors, I grabbed my vapen, and I turned on some Neil Young and I lay on my bed in the dark, watching the wind blow my bedroom drapes around, hearing the ruffling of the leaves, and watching that lanterns that hang from my backyard trees swinging into each other, thinking if there's an electrical fire, I hope the dogs will at least bark to wake me up. But overall, my thought was, this is fucking awesome. This is exactly

what I hoped adulthood would be like. No kids, no husband, no responsibilities, just a TV show on Netflix and whatever else I felt like doing whenever I felt like doing it. Not trapped, not stock, not dependent on a single person, but myself, free to be you and me. I couldn't believe how lucky my life had turned out, how many of my dreams had come true, and also my good fortune in being alive during this time in history, the year we were going to elect our first female president

that didn't happen. I suppose I could blame my state of mind on the election of Donald Trump, so I will I have the Trump family and their horrifying personalities and was disgusting veneers to thank for my midlife crisis, along with more than half the population of the world. I couldn't grasp how in this day and age we elected a man who insulted everybody he's insulted and done everything he's done since. The contrast in decency between Barack Obama and Donald Trump was too much for me to bear.

It was like electing snooky to the Senate. Now people were seriously talking about Dwayne the Rock Johnson for president. How on earth did we get there? Although, if I'm being honest, at that point, I would have taken an actual rock. I kept hearing the word elitists, you know, like that everyone in California, New York lives in a bubble, that the election of this lunatic was a result of all of us not knowing anything about the rest of

the country. And that didn't bring true for me because I had traveled all over the country doing stand up for so many years. I've been to every major city in some minor cities multiple times. I wasn't an elitist. My father was a used car dealer. I didn't have a trust fund or wealthy parents. We weren't even allowed to answer the phone growing up, because more often than

not it would be a bill collector. Had four hundred dollars when I drove across the country alone to move to Los Angeles and then was broke for seven years, living paycheck to paycheck while simultaneously getting fired from every waitressing job I ever had. I worked for everything I ever have and never even went to college. How could I be an elitist without ever going to college. And then, oh, wait a minute, I remember. I grew up wanting to get as far away from my life and my parents

as possible. I had created a life in which there was a zero tolerance policy for any discomfort. I could handle physical discomfort, like dental work or elective surgery to make my thigh smaller, but not any discomfort related to not having money. Sure, I was just graping by on those cross country trips in the beginning of my stand up career, barely making enough money from small comedy clubs to cover my hotel room for the week. But after

a few years I was making more money. And then the clubs turned into theaters, and then arenas, and then private planes and Schureford cars, and sometimes I'd be in a city for less than twenty four hours and then onto the next city. So here I was, again not taking into account the optics, or for that matter, the reality of my own entitlement. I had become exactly what I always wanted to be, an elitist. I did live in a bubble inside a bigger bubble, which was inside

an even bigger bubble. That's three bubbles, two assistants to cleaning ladies who are basically more like my nanny's a driver, a pool guy, a landscape or a florists because I need flowers all the time. A houseman. What's a houseman, you asked, Someone who walks the dog and polishes the outdoor furniture, And oh, who somebody who cleans up the dog ship because he can't do that even basically he's an outdoor butler. When was the last time I cleaned

up dogship? Probably the last time I flew coach. I hated having these thoughts. I hated it because in the process something clicked for me, and I realized that I had made a career of overhydrating people with honesty, yet I was being dishonest with myself. And now that I was aware of this situation, I would have to do something about it, because I couldn't just carry on the way I'd been carrying on, just coasting and cashing checks for essentially being a loudmouth. So I took another hit

of my vape. What I really wanted to do is watch the news. Even though the news was giving me diarrhea. The whole administration was giving me diarrhea. I'm probably hurtpies too, For all I know, my outrage was high. I had spent the year after the election being sucked into the vortex of news cycles that accompanied Donald Trump's sent seeing my subsequent mental hernia. The news was like a high speed merry go round that never slowed down long enough to figure out when it was safe to hop on

or off. So, like everything else in my life thus far, I hopped on and I stayed on. I had spent the better part of my day in a wormhole googling pictures of young Robert Mueller because I was developing strong sexual feelings toward him, as well as his investigation. In an interesting plot twist, it turns out Bob Muller is even hotter in his early seventies than he was when he was in the Marines. I was more attracted to present day Bob Muller than I would have had I

been alive during nam The guy fucking kills me. I mean, who is hotter than Bob Mueller? Daniel day lewis playing Bob Mueller? Maybe, I mean potentially, but he's gonna have to stop with his shoe cobbling to fill him. Another movie Daniel day Lewis and his shoe cobbling. It's like, no one's talking about your shoes, buddy, Okay, just sucking act. But Mueller was the only hope I had that Donald Trump, in that terrible vampire family he spawned, would end up

in prison. The investigation into Donald Trump and he's conspiring with Russia and all the other crimes. I'm sure he'll be indicted for It made me realize what real men look like. They look like Bob Mueller, a seventy four year old with a six pack, possibly an eight pack underneath his shirt. When he walks, you can see it. He's ripped. Keeping your ship together is what that's called. Everybody a prosecutor, a marine, and the director of the FBI.

How on earth is any woman worth her salt meant to control herself around him and not sit directly on his face. Very few seven year old men have a head of hair like that. And if anyone knows their way around seven year old men, it's me. They're my core demographic, the thickness, the salt and pepper. It's one thing after another with that Patriot. My best friend Mary and I have spent many a night deliberating about what he drinks when he gets home after a long day.

Was it a Scotch on the rocks or a Scotch neat one ice cube? Mary would say it would be a McCallen. People who use one ice cube usually annoy me, but this was different. I knew that Bob Muller knew better than I did, and if he wanted to use one ice cube, then he was trying to accomplish something

different with his libation. I'd be willing to switch over to scotch or whiskey, or even use one ice cube for the rest of my life if the reward meant seeing Donald Trump dragged out of the White House topless, handcuffed, while his hairpiece detached from the tape on his head, and and then flew around like a cyclone landing in the rose garden. I'm not embarrassed by my feelings about Robert Mueller or for Robert Mueller. I'm surprised, maybe, but

I'm not embarrassed. I am legitimately attracted to him and everything he stands for. I respect the ship out of him, and I suspect there will be a lot of people naming their baby boys Bob after this whole ship show is over. Who would have thought Bob would finally take off?

Imagining Bob Bobby sitting in his boxers and a little boy's Hayning undershirt with short sleeves while drinking a McCallan on the rock, probably in a leather club chair, maybe me feel like Bob Muller and I had a lot more in common than anyone who would have guessed, even me. I imagine us playing Clue together deep in the Catskills, learning entirely new strategies to a game I thought I

had already intellectually mastered. I understand Bob Muller is married and unavailable, so I would like to go on the record and say I respect that, while also remaining deeply attracted to him. It wouldn't matter if he was interested in me or not. I don't need people to like me in order for me to like them. That's a new thing I'm toying with, and I like it. It's fun. Through the months of thick fog and despair after the election, he was the one bright spot. He also represented a

seminal moment for me personally. I had finally found the first Republican. I could see myself being penetrated by back to my midlife crisis. There's a line I'd written down from Victor Frankel's memoir Surviving the High. It's about surviving the Holocaust. It's called man search for Meeting. It was a line that stopped me cold when I read it. It said, it did not really matter what we expected from life, but rather what life expected from us. I

had never thought about what life expected from me. I had only thought about what I expected from life. That was a book put her down her It was a look up at the sky and wonder, where the funk have I been all my life? Moment? How lost was I if that question had never occurred to me? And it hadn't ever occurred to me. I had to read it to think it. What a fucking dummy I was rewarding myself over and over again with homes and cars and vacations and gross extravagance. I justified all of it

because I worked for everything I had. I came from nothing. I told myself for years that was my story. Work hard, fight hard, don't give up. You can do anything you deserve. This the idea that I came from nothing is a joke. My parents were disappointing, like with their personalities, but I always felt loved by lots of people. I never went hungry, I never struggled. I was white, pretty Jewish, and had a ton of misplaced self confidence. So life got easier

the more focused I became. I got to Hollywood, and I was rewarded for all of that behavior. My life was a bubble, that's exactly what it had become, a big, vapid bubble. And what were my ties to being famous? What were my ties to being a celebrity? Wealth and fame existed as a couple in my mind they went together. Did that mean I could still have one without the other? And if so, which one would I choose? And is this my whole identity? Is this my whole life? It

can't be. Do I get to fall in love again with a man? No, a man can't help you with this. You got yourself here, So the question is what are you gonna do with yourself now? What is my enough? I never had to care about the state of the world before the world was a vague thought and a whimsical fancy that was for the adults. I thought that by traveling to so many different countries these I was

doing my due diligence. That by edifying myself with other cultures and sharing my experiences on camera on my show, I was somehow making a worthy contribution to society. America wasn't a problem. There was no problem. We had elected a black president and we were about to elect a woman. Racism and feminism were fights again. It didn't happen, sweeties, who maybe we're not talking about the same thing. Racism

and feminism were fights we had already won. America was being handled by people smarter and more skilled in politics, and they took care of this stuff so that people like me could live the American dream and remained blissfully ill informed. I had spent my adulthood on a cigarette boat going a hundred miles per hour, and now I felt like I had somehow become a ruined on one of those terrible all inclusive carnival cruise ships. Time speeds up as it goes by. Someone explained to me that

there is a mathematical reason for this. As you age, each year becomes a smaller percentage of the life you have already lived. I'm forty two, as I write this. So one year now represents a small percentage of my forty two years, about two point three eight. But when I was eight, one year was a really long time. It was an eighth of my life. And that is why summer lasted for about four years when you were a kid. And this may be why I now feel an urgency to know more, to do more, and to

be more. Don't get me wrong, I don't believe life is too short. I believe life is too long. It's exhausting. I don't fear dying. I want people to know that if I die early, it's not some tragedy. If I die to night, it's not I'd be relieved. I'm wiped out and I've had a great adventure. I have two hundred and fifty thousand dollars set aside for my funeral because I want everyone to have one big fucking party

in my honor. I want to have a great funeral, filled with dancing and little people and mushrooms and then little people on mushrooms. I wanted to be a celebration for all the people who love me and for all the people who are happy to see me go. But in the meantime between now and then. This is my attempt at taking stock of how I got here, where I've been, and where exactly it is that I'm going.

What exactly is it that I might bring to the table to answer the question that Victor Frankel forced me to ask myself. Do I have the conviction to examine myself unflinchingly, to reveal the good, the bad, the ugly, the beautiful the answers. Yes, I have a lot to be embarrassed about, and I intend to advertise it. I'm sick of my voice, of my ambition, of my entitlement. I'm sick of not knowing more, and I'm embarrassed it took me this along to figure it out. Life has

been too easy. I've gotten almost everything I've ever wanted, and I'm forty two. Something smells fishy. M After all is said and done, I'd like to be cremated and have my ashes scattered over Bob Muller's grave or inside it, or his inside mine, or inside of me, or in one of Daniel dy Lewis's clogs. Thank you, Thanks guys. Okay, we're gonna take a quick break and we'll be right back. I'm gonna bring out somebody that you're all gonna love

very much. And she's a very good friend of mine, and she was nice enough to fly out here to interview me for uh for tonight, and uh you might know her. Please welcome Connie Britton. Wait where do you want? Okay? Hi, Hi Dallas? Yeah, good good. Let's tell everybody how we met? Okay? Was it on my TV show? Um? We we met? Uh? No, you thought we met on your TV show. We did not meet on your TV show. We met in an airport. You accosted me. You were dating Ted Harbor, remember Ted

Harbor from previous books. That was one of my first older boyfriends. That was the twenty when twenty years between my age and their age was acceptable. When when I was in my twenties and thirties, I date fifty year old. Now that I'm forty four, I'm not dating a fucking sixty four year old, do you know what I mean? So the margin has to like shrink, So I mean I'm open minded. Then that's why I'm single. So yes, I'm it's working. It's working out great for you think

working wonderfully. No, but you were a fan of Friday Night Lights. I know I'm so happy to be back in Texas. I love y'all. And you accostomed me in the airport and and somehow we ended up with each other's numbers. And I don't know if you remember this, And I wanted to start by saying, I'm so fucking proud of you. This book is number one. I'm like

two different New York Times bestseller lists. I'm so proud of you because this book is like nothing else you've ever done, It's nothing else you've ever written, and it is a reflection of who you've become. And I say that as we're talking about when we met, because when

we met, this is Chelsea's like, bless your heart. I was out of control and then we we like texted each other, and then you invited me to some birthday party that you had on you were having on some island in like in like a club where it's like going to be a club like twenty four hours a day. And I was in the middle of working on something I don't know what, and I couldn't go, and you were so mad at me, so I tossed. She was

so pissed. She was seven anger, anger, like just sucking agitation but also also like somehow that I couldn't go. It was like I was abandoning her. You don't do that anymore. No, No, now you're so healthy. I'm a lot healthier than I was. Yeah, but you don't realize when you're in those states, when you're just kind of going and you're just like, you know, my my career when it started in in this town, you just go

a million miers per hour. You know, you never can take a break either, and it becomes an addiction, and then all of a sudden, you're just out. You're not even paying attention to what's happening, and your life just kind of passes you by. So it was good to have a wake up call because when I hear stories like this, I cringe. I'm like, oh god, I was so fucking annoying. No, but you weren't. You were still

you always have had this heart. But now you're letting us really see it, and you're letting yourself really see it. And I'm really proud of you, and I um, i'd like to thank Dan for that. Dan's my psychiatrist. I I have, I have uh, really irrational feelings for Dan. I really want Dan badly. Like you want Robert Mueller, I want Dan. Yeah, I get it, I get it. Dan was the first psychiatrist that I ever went to

that I wasn't attracted to. And that's why I stuck with it, because I knew that if it wasn't if it's a sexual thing, you're with girls were so screwed up, you know, you A dentist can be borderline good looking, and all of a sudden, you're like, you know, just because he has some control over you. If you ever, like anybody, anytime I've been put under by an anesthesiologist, you're just like, oh my god, Like you're immediately attracted to them, just because they're like, they have your life

in your hands, you know, in their hands. I know that's so. Yeah. I love I love being drugged. What what are wead? What's happening? Um? Connie doesn't like drugs. Just so you know, I gave her a hit of weed. I'm into cannabis now. Yeah, she's into cannabis. Now is it? It's not legal here right? Okay? And it will be, it will be at some point. It's gonna be legal everywhere. But um, I'm coming out with my own cannabis line.

At the end of the summer, and because it's helped me, It's helped me so much, especially with like you know, just relaxing, calming, slimming down. Cannabis was my gateway drug to like meditation and all that ship. But because that's how that goes, you always start with drugs before you met it tate healthy first. I have to calm down for long enough to metadate. So yeah, I need some weed. Um.

We went over. We were over at our friend Charlie's Theron's house one night, and so we're there and I had my weed pen, a sample of my weed pen. I said, Connie, here, try it, and She's like, I never really smoke. I was like, then don't. I don't want the drama, you know what I mean, if you're gonna like I was like that place. Wait. Also, it was a dinner party where all these people were supposed to show up and and like we were the only

two people who came. So it ended up being and it was like this beautiful dinner party for like three or three women, three of us, two of him were real stoned. I was stoned, but I'm always a little bit stoned. So you were stoned and then we moved to the living room and some other people came over, so it was Rita Aura, the musician, and carl tell Avine came over. So She's on the couch lying behind me, and I'm talking chit chatting, and I don't even notice, and I just went to go sit back. I'm like,

who's that. They're like, Connie, She's been sleeping for like two hours. And then and then three weeks later, I get it in text from car tel Avine saying, Hey, I'm having a party at my house, a housewarming or whatever. It is her birthday. I thought it was too I got there, it was a housewarm inte. I'm like, why the fund did I go to this? I was like, I thought this is an important night. I mean, so she said, hey, I have I'm having a housewarming party.

Will you invite Connie and Charlie's And I was like, yeah, yeah, I will. And then I invited you and You're like, oh, that's so sweet. I don't even know cards all Avine, and I was like, well, she met you the other night while you were asleep on the couch, and I must have made a great impression because she invited me to her not birthday party. So whatever, I'm a great sleeper. If you could make a good impression while you're sleeping,

I think that's solid. Feel pretty good about it. You used to You used to be more of a sleeper too. That was another thing. Two years ago at your birthday party, you basically announced everybody who was still at your birthday party, Okay, guys, I'm going to bed. You know it was. It was as awkward as that sounds like. It was not any less awkward than that. It was literally like I looked at Brandon, I'm like, Okay, should we go. We're gonna go. I'm gonna go. Yeah, that's that's yeah. I'd like to

do a French exit. But it's hard to do that at your own house. Yeah, you know what I mean. It's hard to just like yeah, anyway anyway. So but now here you are, you're in Texas. I'm in Texas. Which the other thing. The other thing about Chelsea is she's had a crush on well, you've had a crush on a couple of my teeth. The thing, the reason I'm friends with Connie is because she works with men that I would like to get penetrated by. Kyle Chandler.

Obviously it's ridiculous, and obviously had a huge crush on him, and then he did the other show after you, and then I was like, oh my god, like I have a real obsession with him. So I had to stop watching him because it was unhealthy because he's married and doesn't want anything to do with me. I tried to get him on my show to interview me. I mean to interview him on my old show, and Connie would try and be at our liaison, but then you know, he's like, I'm not gonna do it. He's like, tell

that that's real sweet. She could come out what you offered to, like go meet him, like in a tepee or something, which he said, did she come down and do the the interview? And where does he live in Austin? In Austin And I was like, yeah, I'll go to Austin. We could do it in the woods. Yeah, And he's like, tell that crazy bitch. I don't want her to interview me. And then she worked with Eric Banna because and that's another one of mine. Although did you guys all see

Dirty John and how many people? Although in Dirty John, I wasn't as in to him as I've been time. Yeah, well it's hard to get into a sociopath. Yeah, well you did a good job. I'm an actress. It's gone acting. Yes, yes, Okay, well this sounds like a good time to take a break. Tell the story about Chunk on the plane. Oh well, Chunk. Chunk was my old dog. Yeah, Chunk was. He was such a stud I'm gonna cry in the book too, by the way, just saying, um, he Chunk was great. Chunk.

It was like my family dog. He was my first dog. He made me a mother, and I wasn't a great mother, um, which is why I'm glad I didn't ever have children, because you know, that would be a disaster. And so I think I also am like people should thank me for that too, Like I don't get enough recognition. I feel like, you know, not contributing to like putting out another one of me. I think it's a responsible decision making. Um, but Chunk and I I was a really good mom

until I took Chunk, you my ORCA. I brought him to Spain because I thought he would deserve to trip overseas. And and when I before, I had never taken on an international flight, so it was like twelve or fourteen hours totally with a layover in Germany, and we were going to see my family and my family and I we all get along, but we're a little bit like my brother is married to this Russian and she's kind of a buzz kill, and um, she's very Russian, you know,

like she's very overprotective. She doesn't she's superstitious. It's all like she thinks everyone who's gay is has been molested. It's like it's hard to deal with her, you know. She's always like Chelsea when you get the boyfriends and I'm like, what are you have you been listening to anything I've ever said that is not going to complete me?

And so she has three boys with my brother and they're all horrified by her as well, because she's she's one of those women who's like a mosquito, you know, like did you like Like they get out of the pool and then she makes them put on dry pool clothes and then when they get back in the pool, they have to put the wet ones back on. I'm like, just skip the pool. Skip it. It's a nightmare for

all of us to watch this. I mean, she and she's so materialistic, Like she's always about my money and the things and where my old This is a nice house you rented, you thinking about buying and it's like no, no one's talking about that. And and you know, she thinks the only key to happiness is to be married to have children. She still thinks there's a chance I'm gonna have a child, Like I'm forty four. It's a wrap. She tells you are very fertile. I can tell. I'm like.

But so I was going on vacation with them, and on the on the flight out, Chunk and Eye flew Iberian Air or something, and I got sleeping pills for him because I had never taken him on a flight and I wanted to make sure he didn't pee or anything. So I was like, okay, I'll probably knock him out. And then it's some like twist of fate. I just said, no, I'm not going to do that. I don't want to

give him a sleeping bill. He's never taken one. It was the most responsible parenting i'd ever very impressed for me to take it over. Thank you welcome for me to take an overnight flight without taking a sleeping pill. That's saying I love you, you know what I mean, Like I had never done that. I had never taken a flight without taking a sleeping pill that was that long. But I stayed up with him and whatever. So I got there and I was like, you guys, I did it.

I nailed it, like I'm a number one parent. And then halfway through the trip, my brothers and sisters are all there. I was really annoyed with my Russian sister in law and we were on a sailboat and I was taking the boys into these coves to swim in these caves that were underwater, and they were and she was just like, you can't go with Chelsea's it's not safe. And finally I just swam home like Julia Roberts and sleeping with the enemy. I was like, literally, we're on

about sailing. I'm beautiful, my and I was like, I'm just gonna swim back to the house. She is so fucking annoying. And you know what's so funny about her, She's so annoying, but she doesn't even if you tell her she's annoying. She's like like she doesn't hold she doesn't hold a grudge about it. She'll just pick up the converse where she goes, yes, anyway, Chelsea, that's not nice. What were you saying? And I'm like, huh, So I swam.

I swam to shore on my aunt, who's awesome. She's a real bitch, so like we have a good rapport and she doesn't say much. I walked in. I was like, can you believe them? Like they put so much sunblock on their sons, like it was you couldn't even see them, you know. And I walked in, I go, can you believe fucking Olga? And then and my brother Glenn, they bicker about everything, you know, like she could see a can open and it's a thing. You're like, oh my god,

everything's a safety hazard. So I said, I go, can you believe how they act? I mean, what's up with that sun block on my aunt's Like I can't believe she doesn't even put it in their mouths? I mean. And I looked at Chunk's meds and what I discovered was that they were dogg easan X basically the equivalent to a humans annex. And I was like, uh, game changer. And I popped one flitted in a half because it hits you faster, and I was like, listen, I'm gonna

go knock myself the funk out. Because it was a Thursday. We had until Saturday, and I was like, I was at the end of my rope. And so I basically slept for the next two days and I just wake up in the morning, go downstairs, take a half of zana X popping, and go back upstairs. My I'm like, I can't deal with any more Russian accents anytime they asked me, I'm like, I just can't. So we get on the plane on the way back from my Orca and I popped the last X. Chunk had five and

I was on my fifth one. I popped it and realized I didn't have any for chunk and I was like, oh funk, I can't throw up a zan X on a plane. And I'm like, oh dad, that was so I was like, what do I do? I mean, what do you do if you take something you're not supposed to? Of course that's the first thought, and I go for me anyway, and so it isn't So I pass out and I wrapped chinks leash around my waist and I'm

just hoping he's going to pass out too. And then I was falling asleep, and I was like, I had one of these baby sleeping pills that I brought but never used because I had, you know, pilferred my own sons, and so I gave him a Sonata, which is like a light four hours sleeping pill, and we both fall asleep. We wake up four hours later. The woman is like

pulling me by my hair. The flight attendant, she's like, your dog is running around the first class cabin and foaming at the math and I am literally like you should have I mean, there's dog hair everywhere. And I had a leash around my belly and I was so out of it, you know, I was trying. I'm like, oh, chuck, I'm like chunk, and I could hear it. Me sounded like a wearabolf, he was like. And I was like, oh glad, this is gonna be a nightmare. Oh my god,

Oh my god. And so I'm running and I get up to go just jump for him to like lurch and the rope burn around my waist from the leash. I was like ah, and then I please miss help and the woman's like in her seat, She's like, I'm not a flight attendant. I'm not helping you. I don't work here. I was like, please go get me, and she's like, I'm not and I was like, oh shut I'm on my own on this flight. So I get him and he is just and my chunk was cool,

like he would never be uncool. He did never even would let himself get an erection in front of me or go to the bathroom. He was just a gentleman. He would turn around if I saw him go to the bathroom, he would turn around and run away. I was like, that's what I like. I like that, you know, respect, And so it was hard to see him in that condition,

especially knowing that I had done that to him. And and then finally then the flight attendants where you know, they were like you're a nightmare, and I was like, listen, can we get us? I'm like, can we get some food? I was like, fucking, I just gotta give him water. He was so thirsty. You know, the vets said before, you know, if you take your dog on a plane,

just remember the pill makes them very thirsty. And I got yeah, but you just told me I can't give him water for fourteen hours, so then he's gonna be thirsty and dying. For water, and she's like, you have to choose. Fucking vets. They never give you any real information. Every VET I've ever gone to, they're like, oh, you could you rescue a dog? And they're like, oh, it could be four, could be twelve. I'm like, that's a pretty big margin of error. Eight years. So the vet.

You know, So he did get thirsty. So I finally just gave him water. I even tried to give him orange juice, anything, and I ordered a mistake. The flight attendant came over and was like, would you like anything for your traveling companion? The steak was for him, um, And then he finally calmed down. And I was just so scared that I was gonna get off the plane and it was gonna be fucking arrested. You know, by the by the I don't know some from by Peter,

you know, news would have spread. I'm like, that's the that's the ship I need to deal with. Chelsea Handler kills her dog on plane from my Orca. Well, your your book is so much about death that and I read it. I'm like, she I don't remember this story. She killed chunk on a plane, Like I was sure that that's how it was gonna end. I was so relieved that he survived it. He did survive. He he wasn't really ever the same after that trip. But I mean, I do feel badly that I did something to him.

It would just really knocked him out. And I won't take any more dogs to my WORKA That is not a smart move, you know what I mean. They can't handle. It's too long and it's not fair. But I don't really know what the point of that story. I really like. I like your drag story. You know. Your drug stories are always funny to me, Like I like the one where you um right, They're so funny, Like I like the one where you um, didn't you take a like

a yeast infection like suppository orally? Yes, that happened right, Yes, I was in Whistler. I was in Whistler, Canada, and I thought I had a situation. Yeah, And I called my doctor and they sent me a pill and I took it orally, and then like like a day later, I was like, I wonder if that was supposed to go in my Pikachu. Yeah, And then I called my doctor.

I was like, hey, quick, quick question. I was like that pill that diff lucan or what you know, and he goes, yeah, and I'm like, that goes and he's like nothing. I'm like, where does that go? It's like I'm sorry, I'm like, where does that pill go? He's like I don't I don't understand the question. I'm like, yeah, you do anyway, So wait, patients, and then I want to talk about politics, because that's another change that right now. Okay, but let's talk about k Yeah. Yeah, I mean Bett,

oh right, you're in that. You're in the seat of it right here, like this isn't it. That's how actually, that's how we became kind of we we yeah, because we met a while ago, like in the airport in Friday lights. But this was like in your old days. And then I remember I didn't go to a birthday party you invited me to, which was on some island and where it was like in like a club like club. You were going to be in a club like twenty

four hours a day every day for your birthday. And I was like, I'm working, I can't go, and you almost didn't forgive me. Yeah, I wouldn't get mad at people. She would get really pissed, like if you didn't show up. She was like, you're done. I'm done with you. So but thankfully we you know, time passed and you had your down But yeah, but politics kind of brought us

back together again. Yeah, it was nice because after that election, you became friends with people, not this is an example of us, but you actually became friends with people that normally you wouldn't talk to. You're like, oh, yeah, we're on the same team here, let's try figure this out. And I know that you and I both were like scrambling about what to do and hysterical, and I didn't realize, you know, I learned about Like for me, it was like I threw myself in, which I know you did too.

You just so like, oh my god, what are we gonna do. We gotta get the mid terms going, like you're we're going to go in and fix everything. But luckily it was a collective of so many people that went in And actually, so I think you realize who. I think the way the way we're dealing now with the way the country is, I think it is very representative of who we are as individuals. Because in order to change the country, you have to invest yourself. You

have to invest yourself financially. You have to invest yourself with your time, You have to invest yourself with your passion. You have to invest yourself with the way you talk to people around you, with your community, with your family. And there are some people who are capable and willing to do that, and there's some people who aren't. And

that's an indication of character. So I think that that's you know that we're seeing that a lot amongst ourselves right now too, you know, and that's how we come well. You actually Kiani was roommates with Kirston Gila Brand. Yes, Kirston Jilli Brand. See you're not. It's like, I'm smattering, smattering of applause. It's amazing. We are. They are very lucky because we have many truly incredible candidates right now and possible possible presidential nominee. I like, amazing. There are

a lot of good candidates. And it's I mean, I like, I mean, like you. I got so burnt out with the mid terms that I was like, oh my god, I don't ever want to deal with politics again. I can't stand this ship. But it's necessary. You can't just dip in and out. You have to kind of harness your outrage and make it something positive and go and do something good. So I'm trying to pace myself and not burn out or burn the candle at both ends with this and be active and be aware of everything

that's going on politically. So it's, um, it's like a fun I'm right here, sweetie. You can see me open your Oh sweet what drugs is she taking? Who knows? People get ship faced when they come see me? Right? We want to to show Like ten years ago, we did a show. We were in Long Island and it was a theater that was in the round, and which means like you're in the center of a crowd, so

like your ass is facing half the people. It's it's not a great setup, but it's old school and we're in this theater in Long Island and after we're done, the security guard like watching me off the stage because you're surrounded by people, and he was being very protective and he's like, sorry, there's vomit everywhere, like every girl there had thrown up. He's like, wow, you really attract quite a crowd. He's like, last time I saw this was zz top. I'm like, yeah, I'm sure this theater

has seen its share of vomit. Yes, I'm sure it has. But anyway, I'm optimistic about the future because I think we have to be and we have to live in a state of hopefulness. And I really wanted to get my head on straight. And the thing that I learned the most is like, in order to be of use to anyone really in this world, you have to get your ship together, and you have to clean out your own injuries. And now amen, sister, and sister Amen speak it so also, you're living an honest life, living an

honest and true life. You are even sober, and I'm living living an honest life. Cheers, cheers. I didn't say you were living a sober life. But I want to read this last part of the book for you guys before you get get going, because wow, we have these I Decide bracelets and these necklaces and t shirts that say I decide because of something I wrote in the book. Hold on, let me get rid of my camel toe. And second, don't see, don't let other people decide what

kind of mood you're going to be in. Don't let anyone change your life in one day. Don't let death take you down and keep you down. You go down, but get back up. If we don't give into our despair and instead lock it away, we failed to properly more in the people we love. How on earth are we honoring the very people we are grieving if we failed to more in them fully, we should be celebrating the people we've lost. I missed thirty years of celebrating my brother. I decide to grow up. I decided to

be better. I decided to take my life back. All the proceeds for the T shirts and the bracelet's go to UM True Colors United, which is an organization for l g B t q I a youth through a homeless Thank you so much for the support and I totally appreciate it. And thank you to Pottie Brittain, my very good friend, for being here tonight. Thank you guys.

Um Okay, Brandon, Well, that was a live show, so you now, I just want to make an announcement to everybody that I've had twenty one shows and you haven't been to one, and l A is the city you've dwell in and you didn't even come to that show. Brandon had plans in the night of my show. You're in LA, Yes, but my new plan is to come to one of your other shows, like I really like to go to New Orleans or St. Louis. Maybe naturally, well, we need to add first left, you're not coming to

any those shows. I added new dates where I'm gonna be doing stand up. So though that's Westbury, Long Island, I'm coming to Atlanta. I'm coming home to Mountclair, New Jersey, St. Louis, Minneapolis, New Orleans, and Nashville. So go to live nation dot com for tickets to a live show where I will be doing stand up and Brandon will not be. We'll be back next week with my psychiatrist who's going to break down the angiogram for everybody who's been asking questions

about that. Life will be the Death of Me as a production of I Heeart Radio. For more podcasts from my Heart Radio, visit the i Heart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to your favorite shows. Oh