Sleeping with Your Coworkers with Lauren Lapkus

Hi, Catherine, Hi Chelsea. Hi, Today is Halloween. It's my sister's birthday.

Oh really, my sister Shoshana's birthday is today.

Yes, Oh my gosh. I have a brother in law who's a Halloween baby.

Happy birthday to all the Halloween babies.

And it's maybe not your favorite holiday.

I'm not into Halloween.

I don't really like costumes, see I do, which is why, which.

Is exactly Yeah, I would expect that you would like costumes because we're pretty opposite on everything.

Yeah, except for both being a pisces.

Yeah, we're both pisces. But a lot of people like Halloween.

I mean, I'm always amazed that people are so into it as adults too.

Yeah. See, I just love doing a detailed outfit and makeup, look like all that and all that.

Ja.

I'm just going to get penetrated and stay indoors.

Oh that sounds lovely.

I would order in outdoor penetration and have that for the evening. And my nephew, I believe, arrives tonight. Tonight is Halloween. Those two things are very separate.

Well, won't and I've been a training friend of my nephew.

But I want to make sure that they don't get the idea to come up and stay with me too often.

This is the one that didn't leave before.

Oh so obviously, if they hear me in the bedroom having a really good time, which I would never allow to happen, I just want everyone to know that I wouldn't not that I wouldn't allow. I would never want that to happen, but it could happen, okay, And that'll set him straight.

He's warned, fair warning.

Yeah, so did you hear that? Jaki? Welcome home.

Our guest today is perfect for Halloween because her new podcast, which is called Haunting, explores paranormal experiences told by those who experience them, and she also stars in the Wrong Missy on Netflix and as well as she has a new film coming out called Another Happy Day.

Please welcome Lauren Lapkiz. I'd beak at you.

How are you?

Oh my god, long time no see honeybody.

I know, so nice to see you.

How are you?

You're a mother, You're a Oh my god. There are so many things now I know a lot has changed, A lot has changed. To give you background about Lauren and I, the first time we met, right was on that show that they created it was on NBC. It was based on one of my books, Are You There, Vodkats Meet Chelsea Maybe? And Lauren was one of the cast members with Laura pre ponn Ya Ali Wong. Yes, and then what is I feel bad that I don't remember his name? Clerk Lenny Yes, yes, the hot one right?

Jake McDorman Jake.

Yeah, but Jake's and a lot of stuff now too. I always see him and I'm always like, that guy looks really familiar. And then I have to remember, Yeah, he was on the show with you idiot. That was a very short lived show. It was on for one season and that was it, so we only got to spend a short amount of time together. But I love seeing you and all of the things that I get to see you in and I can't thank you. Yes, and you are so wait you just had a baby six months ago, right, your second baby?

Yes? So you have two girls?

Two girls? Yeah?

How does it feel to be a mother of women?

It's great, it's great, but I mean, I love it.

I love girls. I was hoping for girls. Were very happy yeah.

Yeah, I always find that my girliest friends have boys. Yes, and if you're not too girly and you're girly, but you're not you're.

Not overly eirly. Yeah, I would agree with that.

Yeah, you have girls and yeah, and I like that. I like that dynamic.

I like what that does to people because it really throws people off their game.

It's true.

It's true as if parenting isn't hard enough, then you have to parent the sex that you weren't hoping to have.

Yeah, it's crazy, it's a lot. But I'm I'm I'm coming out of my like postpartum hole.

Were you did you have postpartum No?

I just mean like my literal like postpartum time. But I didn't have postpartum depression. But coming out of the like you know, that period of feeling like what is everything? Like my body's crazy, I'm starting to feel like myself more so.

I don't know how anyone has children.

I really don't understand how people are able to manage all of the things in life and then raise children. I am in awe of every woman. I think I was talking about this my friend who has four kids. I'm like, I don't understand how anything gets done in your life, Like, how do you manage four kids? She's like, Chelsea, it just happens and then you do it.

I know, but I literally I used to think, like four sounded amazing, but like having one is really hard and having two is actually harder, and it's crazy. There's just no time to like sit down and think about anything for even a second.

So it's a lot.

But I recently hired a nanny and that's changed my whole entire life because now I can, like, you know, do this without feeling like I'm split between five things at once.

It's so weird that I have a nanny and I don't have any children. Speaking of podcasts, Lauren has a new podcast, tell us all about.

It I do. It's called Haunting.

It's on iHeart, and I play a dead influencer named Terreza who has she's stuck between heaven and hell because she hasn't gotten verified yet. So it's like a hybrid scripted and unscripted podcast. So my portions are our scripted part where I'm this dead influencer and then we hear real ghost stories from people who are calling in and sharing their.

Truth and are you big into ghost stories.

I am, but I'm also very scared.

I get very scared very easily, and I get scared of like scary movies. So it's a little ironic. But I I mean, do you have any ghost stories? Do you believe in ghosts?

I mean, I'm not. I don't disbelieve in ghosts.

I dated a guide that had a house that was definitely there were ghosts in the house. I could feel them, I could hear them. I couldn't see them, but I could feel the presence. But most of the places, I think I have a frequency that doesn't really allow me to see that many ghosts.

They're like, you're not open to this, Like I don't have time for that, you know what I mean? Yeah, I feel like I've like looked at Zillo and seeing a house that gave me chills. Like it's just like nothing even is like weird about it. It's just like, Ooh, something's wrong, something's wrong there, right, Bad bad vibes.

Yeah, if there's a bad vibe in a place, I'm usually out of there pretty quickly. I don't know why we associate ghosts as being bad, because I bet there are some good ghosts, right, like, what's the theory behind why ghosts are even around because they're in the middle of crossing over or what.

Yeah, they have unfinished businesses, I guess what people always say. But it does seem weird when you think about it, because literally every inch of earth would have a bunch of ghosts on it, you know what I mean. If it was all just like people who've died and rest hanging around, it just I don't know, it's hard to it's hard to know.

Maybe there's certain environments where they are more prone to come out.

Yeah, I mean, like ghost hunter people go to those special places where I guess there's more vibes they're all hanging out waiting in like an old abandoned psych ward or something.

That's what I want for you, which once the kids are old enough, I want you to become a permanent professional ghost hunter.

That's my real goal, that's my passion. That's what I'm excited about, and I'm going to do that.

So yeah, great, gas excellent, And now wait, you have a new movie coming out also, which which is it's not it's a comedy, but you are very dramatic in it, right, it's the most dramatic you've played.

I thanks so far.

Yeah, yeah, I think so.

It's called Another Happy Day, and it's a movie about postpartum depression, so it's a comedy. It's finding the absurdity in those like really dark, hard things that people experience. So it's definitely like it's not like slapstick, but it's you know, there's comedy. It's different from other stuff I've done.

And I read that she the director had a day care on set and even though it was an indep film, they had you guys were taking care of so that everyone could bring their children.

It was amazing.

She made it a priority to have eight hour work days so we weren't shooting for like typical movie hours of like twelve to fifteen hour days, and she provided childcare to people who needed it, and it was it was very It felt like a very supportive environment for parents and also just for anyone who was not a parent. It was great because you were done at five o'clock every day and it was like normal, so people really appreciated that there.

It was just a very happy set. Yeah.

Well when people are Yeah, when you have help with your children, people seem to get much happier. It would be nice if our country could take on that responsibility.

I know it's so interesting in people. I think that's a bad idea. I don't get it.

But have you had any like I want to ask you personal questions about parenting and motherhood? Yeah, what was your biggest meltdown as a mother that threw you for a loop de loop?

Yeah?

I mean I think I reached one every few months of like just hitting an actual breaking point. I mean most recently, so, yeah, I have a six month old and a three year old, and so much of it has to do with not sleeping. It's just like the terrible feelings that come from not sleeping that like I reached a total breaking point where everything was just making

Sleep deprivation seems to be the biggest issue because it's so funny. I was out with my friends the other night and I was with Karen and Molly, and Karen was like, you know, she just got her baby to sleep through the night, and she was saying, I was like, it's so funny that.

You have a baby. You're so in love with this baby.

All you want to do is like, you know, love on this baby and you know, see it grow and take every picture you can possibly take and like and then when you're fucking tired, you're like, go the fuck.

To sleep, Like I can't love you in the middle of the night.

Also, I mean I know, well, and my personality really does go out the window. It is like I think with my three year old, she's she's delightful and like the funniest person ever, but like the bedtime thing of like I finally got the baby down and then she wants to just like make me do every single thing. I'm like singing and dancing in her room for like a full hour, Like I have a routine that I do that involves four songs, and I have to repeat them as many times as she says, and it's crazy.

I think they catch wind after a while, like that you catch wind or whatever after a while, that this is the go to bed song, and then they stop wanting to hear that song.

They're like, I know what you're up to.

Yeah.

Everyone I know who has two kids says that, like two is more than twice as hard as one. Do you find that to be true?

I think so.

I think, like there's one, like one thing that I found surprising was that I feel like it's easier in some sense because I'm not as like stressed, like I feel like I get how it's gonna go. It's not as abstract that she's gonna grow up into like a really fun person who like will talk and be great. So like all of that makes it easier because the first time, you're like just going through every day, like how will it ever be different than it is?

Right now? It feels like this is forever. But what's hard is.

Like just doing two things at once because they're on totally different pages with what they need, and one of them can tell you what they need and one just cries. So it's Yeah, I think that's where it gets really hard, And those moments where it gets really overwhelming, or when both of them are needing something at the same time and you feel like you can't do everything, and that's always sad feeling.

Can you just get the little of one a tutor so she can start communicating more quickly?

I think that is what I need to do.

Yeah, that's why you're here today, Lauren, and I have all the answers. Thank you tell me about Like, if you can, I would love to hear about one of your most joyful experiences you've had since becoming a mother.

Oh my god, so many I feel like it's the happiest I've ever been. I really feel I got a sack a cry right now. I feel very fulfilled by being a mom and I love it so much. And I think the happiest is like really just watching both of them and like looking at how they're developing and how their personalities are developing. And my older one, like when the more she can articulate herself and say her

I just came from a friend who has three boys and one of them is a teenager and the way he speaks to them is horrendous.

Like I'm so scared of that.

It's so awful.

And I'm like, oh my god. And she's like, well, you know, it's the worst. It's it's terrible. She goes, and now the younger kids are picking up the language from the older kids, and they're like actually contemplating sending him to boarding school because they don't know what to do with him. And she's like, I feel like my son is a product of LA. Like that is a product that is scary to me.

So I'm from Chicago and like I'm from Evanston, Illinois, and it's like a really perfect suburb of Chicago. It's just so great and it was such an ideal place to grow up, and being out here is a weird element for me to like get my head around, like, oh, they're gonna be like LA kids, Like what does that mean? And of course it's like my influence will do something, but then the world influences them too.

Yeah.

Yeah, but I think kids are always reacting to some sort of absence of something, right, Like most of your bad behavior is a result of some sort of neglect, And not that my friend's a neglectful parent, but she even said herself, like I need to be more present, I need to be home more. You know, there's always like a reason why kids act that way. It's not like they're just fucking screaming at you, fuck you mom,

Yeah, and puberty, I think is just like uncontrollable.

If I wouldn't go through puberty again. First of all, I'm pretty sure I will. I'm going through I'm not me. I don't think I've hit menopause, but I'm perry menopausal for sure.

Yeah.

And I'm like, which is worse. I don't know what was worse, puberty or perimenopause. I read this book, Naomi Watts wrote this book about menopause, and I read it, and as I was reading it, every symptom hit me. I was like, oh, I started having hot flashes, and then my shoulder started hurting.

There's this menopause shoulder thing.

I'm like, what, And I told her, I but yeah, there's frozen shoulder that women get.

And then weird. I mean, I am of the age.

I would assume I'm in peri menopause, but I've never really like I get tested pretty frequently, and I'm going again after reading that fucking book, because I'm like, something's up, but all of the other things around it, I just started to experience, like all these symptoms that she was talking about.

And then I came home.

I asked my doctor for something for night sweats because I was getting those night sweats, and he gave me this over the counter thing and it worked right away. So I sent it to my sisters, and my sister's like, I use that for six months and it didn't work once.

She's like, I don't even she was, I don't even think.

I think you just get thoughts suggested to and then you have them. She's like, you read a book about menopause, and now you think you have metopause, and then you took these things that are for menopause and you're fine.

She's like, so I'm like, I am.

I am more impressionable and malleable than one would think.

At least it works for the medication too. If you just think it's working. It works for you, like that's a good side effect.

Oh, it's called bona Fide, guys, in case anybody has nice sweats, Bonafide. It's in a green bottle and if you use that for hot flashes.

It worked for me.

My sister said she used it for six months and it did. It work for her. But shout out to bona Fide.

It's fascinating. I'm like, perimenopause is really coming up a lot. I mean because my friends are, you know, getting to that point, and so it's interesting. There's so many things that are never explained to us about this. I feel like my whole life, Like you heard what menopause was, and it's like, I guess hot flashes is the one thing that I would think of, But there's so many

Because but you're well, you're thirty nine, right, yeah, I'm forty nine, so you're a decade younger than me. So you're about you're going to turn forty next year.

Yeah mm hmm.

I kept thinking I was forty. This year, I lost track of my age. I was like driving, I was like, wow, I can't believe I'm forty. And then I was like, oh, I'm thirty nine, and then I was like, I'm actually thirty eight. Like it was like, I have no idea. I think at a certain point like stops mattering, but yeah, I'm thirty nine.

Now.

I don't know if it's Los Angeles because we have access to so many anti aging practices.

I don't know if it's.

Just modern times, but age does not feel like what it felt like when I was growing up, right, and or it's just us being adults and being like, no, no, I'm so young.

I'm vibrant.

I know.

Yeah, that's also you can't tell if it's just how you feel inside. But I saw this thing that was so funny. It was like the Golden Girls hairstyles on like celebrities who are the same age as the actors who were playing them. Like now it was like j Loo with like the Golden Girl's hairstyle because they weren't

How do you feel about aging?

What's your I mean, you're a mom now, so you're prior already are your children. I'm sure you're not stuck with your head up your ass, but you still are an actress, so you have to think about that stuff.

Yeah, yeah, I mean I definitely think about it.

I mean, and I feel like all the things that people are doing to like look great are have evolved so much and everyone looks amazing. I don't even know what all the things are, but I'm like, when I need to know, I'm sure I'll have a few friends that can be like, what are the things I need to do right now? But I don't think about it too much. I mean, I do feel young. I feel the same, like in so many ways as I did ten years ago, although I guess that physically that maybe

And I also.

Physically possibly feel worse, but mentally I think I feel better.

Well that's just because you just had a baby, so you're tied.

Yeah, but in another.

Happy day, you had to be very emotional, right, you had to cry a lot. How did it work for you? Because because you haven't done a lot of roles like that.

Yeah, I mean in the past, Like the sort of crying I had to do was like in like Jurassic World, like watching like a dinosaur eat a security guard or something like. It's not really like the same crying about a baby. But I feel like having kids brought my emotions to like the forefront work. It's all kind of right there. I really I almost cried like five minutes ago talking to you. I'm just like I could really cry at any moment just thinking about life, and.

So it was easier.

But also the director of this movie is so amazing, Nora Pfeiffer, who also wrote the movie. She's an actor and we're old friends as well, and she she just like has such a great way with actors of like getting you to tap into something without making you feel the pressure of it. But she's just a she's a really great communicator. But yeah, it was it's definitely a It felt like I was crying all the time while we were shooting that because just doing multiple takes we

I don't think I would be able to. I'm not sure that I'm that kind of first.

So I'm not really an actress, but I like acting every once in a while and like to do, like, you know, when a project comes my way that's interesting.

I'm totally open to it. But I have never really had to cry.

I've had to be emotional, which is easy because that's just kind of acting emotional, you know what I mean. Like, I don't know that I'm a gifted enough actress to have to cry. I'd really have to get into the right zone.

Yeah, it helps with the script with in this movie is like, truly, my character is just really struggling, and so most of the stuff I'm saying is stuff that would make me cry if I really said it.

So that helps too.

How did you meet your husband?

We met on a sitcom that we were both on called Clips that was on TBS. It was another short lip sitcom and it was created by Max Muchnik and David Cohen and starring Ashley Tisdale and George Went and me and my husband Mike were both on this show as well. And it was only ten episodes, but from like the pilot getting picked up to like shooting the other episodes, it was like a full year. So we would hang out as a cast a lot, and we got to be friends, and after the show was done, we got together.

But yeah, because you're so professional, Because you're so professional, you would never ever let something like that happen.

Prior and I was married to somebody else.

Oh well, there's a good Graason sort of sort of oh my gosh, this is your second marriage.

Yes it is, girl, My god.

I must have had a real influence on you.

Yeah.

I've been through a lot, so it's great. That also helps with you know, not caring about stuff as well.

Exactly exactly.

Okay, we're going to take a break and we're going to come back with Lauren, and we're going to take some callers.

Yay.

And we're back with Lauren Lapkis, who is just a breath of fresh air.

Thank you.

Well, we have some callers, We have some emails today, But I wanted to. Since we've touched on sort of paranormal ghosty stuff and sort of like talking about the great beyond, I wanted to start with one. It's a little more serious, but I wanted to start with this question from Susannah. She says, should I see a medium? Dear Chelsea in twenty the answer. In twenty thirteen, my husband passed away in a car accident. He left me

Oh my god.

I know. I guess I just want to know if he's around, if there's any part of him that's keeping an eye on her. I've thought before it'd be nice to talk to him through a medium, but I'm also a skeptic. If there's any way that it's real and he's around. It would ease my heart. Should I seek one out? Susannah, Definitely, I.

Would just think so yeah, I mean what if you have to lose?

Like I've had readings by bad psychics or mediums or whatever and it still makes you feel good, Like the idea that someone because it exists. I definitely believe that your husband is around and he can communicate with you, and if you find the right person, he can come through and say the things that you are going to feel good to you to hear. It's very rare that you go to a psychic or a medium and you leave feeling worse.

Or like no one's out there.

It gives you a sense of, oh, this is all possible because they're talking to somebody, you know, whether their communication is flawless or not. It's like people don't get into that just to like dupe other people. It's not like you're walking down the street in New York City and going into like, you know, a five dollars place, Like if you really seek out a good medium and they have Yelp reviews, like you can go online and actually find somebody that has a lot of good reviews.

That is so cool.

I believe in that too, and I have had good experiences as well, but nothing too like life changing. But it was what you're saying that like, I left feeling like happy, and it felt like a nice connection. And even just I you know, I always loved Long Island medium and people would be like, that's, you know, not real or whatever my feeling is. If it's even if it was not real, it does make those people feel so good and that's really not a bad thing. But

Yes?

I have. Oh my god, he is amazing.

Yeah, we've had him on the podcast. He is I mean, my god, Wow.

Did he do a reading for you?

I think so? Yeah, he did a little reading for me.

Yeah, so amazing. That's a really good show. But I mean I think this person should try that. I don't especially if you're thinking should I do this?

Like why not?

Like I do think you're right that if you look and find a person that has like great reviews or was like highly recommended, then that makes it worthwhile.

Yeah, And also Laurel and Jackson, I would say, like read some of her books. We've had her on the podcast as well, and she also says, like when I work with people, they can speak to their loved ones through me, but also like you can just talk to them like they're here. But I would say start with a medium and then like upgrade to just have a conversation with them.

Also because it shouldn't be prohibiting your life and like you know, go into a wedding should be a joyous occasion. Watching a father and daughter dance should be a joyous occasion. And when it starts to interrupt the stuff that you should be joyful for others for, then you really need to do something about it, Like and you need to

That's silly, I mean.

And when people say that, I just know that they're narrow, you know what I mean, because there's so much that we don't know. There's and there's so many different scientists, metaphysicists and mediums and people like that that all have the same story that there are seven different realms of consciousness, that there are seven, you know, in this and that are coexisting at the same time. There's people that are crossed over, have crossed over, there are people that are

Well, our next question comes from Carly and she says, you're Chelsea. I've been having a sexual relationship with a coworker for about two months now.

For you.

I mentioned to him that I missed having a friends with benefit situation, and later that night he told me he was interested in being that for me.

Oh sh love it. Yeah, just getting it so far.

I was hesitant at first because he's a coworker, and he's also twenty three and I'm thirty. I know he's genuinely a good guy, so I decided to go for it. It turned out that the sex was amazing, probably the best I've ever had, and I couldn't get enough. I started doing things that I would never allow myself to do with other men. I allowed him to spend nights

Hi, Carly, Hello, Hi, Hi Lauren our special guest today, Lauren Lapiz. First of all, good job, way to go, because all of the things that you did, that's great. You went after what you said, what you wanted, you got what you wanted, and then you had a nice experience where you were sexually free.

It sounds like, right, it sounded amazing.

Yeah, it sounded great.

And then and then when you told him that you wanted a relationship, he said or that you were having stronger feelings, like, how did you frame it?

Well?

He basically made me realize that I was kind of done with this phase of my life, and I thought I owed it to myself to tell him how I was feeling, and he nicely rejected me in a way like we're still fine, no hard feelings. I was having more anxiety over the fact that I was keeping this kind of like a secret and I.

Had to let it out.

But yeah, I ended it.

So your question is how to move I mean, everything you said is awesome. Like that is female empowerment, you know what I mean. Like, so just don't let that skate by, Like you had feelings. You told him how you felt. You're a big girl. He didn't reciprocate, that's all, okay, but you still you know what I mean, Like you did all of the things that you should that a woman who is empowered would do.

So, first of all, kudos to you for that.

Don't negate that, or because because it didn't work out in a situation like that you wanted, don't negate all the positives that have come out of it.

And also the positives of like being really vulnerable with him and allowing him to compliment you and the things that you usually wouldn't really let happen. Like, I feel like that's also a huge sign of growth to let yourself let something else in. I mean, I feel it feels like your next person that will be you know, you'll be more primed for that from this experience.

Yeah, I like that.

Well absolutely, because you know, he gave you a gift, Like your gift is now that you want to now you know, you want to be in a more serious relationship and possibly look for a partner and that's a gift. Also, like everything is good that happened. So first of all, frame it in your mind in a different way, or I don't know, maybe you were already framing it as a positive thing, but I just want to remind you

I honestly don't even know how to date seriously. I've always just slept around because I'm just so scared of getting hurt and I'm so scared of rejection, and I just have very I have a lot of anxiety around dating. And I guess my question is to how do I date? I guess I don't know. I guess I just honestly need to be more honest with myself and what I want.

I guess, I mean, it sounded like it was a really natural PROGRESSI with this guy, even if it was not into a full relationship, but that like you got along really well and it was sort of a natural thing to like hook up. I feel like that is dating, like when you don't when it's not like through an app and you're meeting someone and going out to dinner or whatever. Like you meet people in your life and you have chemistry and then you can try to take

Yeah, And I also want to say, like, Okay, so you think about dating, right, you're going on a date with somebody, say you go on a date with him, the anxiety around all of that, let's talk about that. So say the date goes well, great, then you go on another date with them and say that date doesn't

Date, do you know what I mean?

Yeah, And it helps to like get if, like for my friends who have newly single and getting back out there and stuff and having that sort of same experience of like, okay, I have to like date. I do know that like my friends who have gone through that, going on more dates is helpful because you're like the stakes are lower where you're just like, oh, I'm just gonna meet this person and see if maybe they're cool, and if they're not cool, then we don't even have

What am I gonna wear? How am I gonna look? What am I gonna do? And you can just like feel confident. So I do like that tip.

Yeah, and also having the intention, the intention of wanting to pursue a more regular relationship. You're already putting it out there, you called into this podcast. You're actually energetically moving yourself towards that goal just by talking about it, and so then it's going to become a reality. It's like a trial and error, Like it's a good exercise and good practice to go on dates with several men anyway, Like what's the worst thing that can happen there?

I mean, I don't want to say.

What's the worst thing, because you know, weird things can happen, but I mean in terms of your self esteem and rejection and then the issues that are surrounding what you're talking about. I really think it's actually a good exercise for you to actually go on dates with people that aren't going to end with you having sex. Just get into the habit of doing that, and then you're creating a new habit and if someone doesn't like you, great.

The number we're dealing with.

That's eight billion, So you know, some of those people you're run into, but a lot of them you will run into.

You know.

So I just want you to think about it in a different way, like this is exciting. Yeah, you had this interaction and guess what this interaction with this colleague spurred the interest in you to actually look for something more permanent and like kind of a partner. This is an exciting development as well. So everything moved towards like with the attitude of opportunity and experience, and don't worry about being rejected. Listen, the more rejections our lives are

Lauren. You can have project to this every day. It is a new rejection every day.

Someone doesn't like you.

Levels of sucking and guess what it makes you?

It makes it matter a lot less though it like it makes you you have like thicker skin, but you just care less, Like I just get less invested in the thing I have my high hopes about, like, which might sound depressing, but I actually think it's good. Like you're not sobbing every time something doesn't work out. I'm like, oh, okay, I kind of assumed that was going to happen because that happens all the time. It just takes it off your you know, shoulders as being like, this has to

It's a great power.

Well, and you also just went through this thing that had sort of a negative outcome and like, look how amazingly you handled it. You were like, oh, maybe I'm growing beyond this and wanted to be different.

That's awesome, right.

And Also the other thing I want to say about rejection is it does builds character.

It builds strength, and it builds character.

So I always any rejection I get, I'm like, great, thank you, thank you for that.

Note.

I'm going to be even greater at being myself, you know.

And also one other thing I want to say is when you go on these dates, don't go in there trying to get them to like.

You go in there and see if you like them.

I always like I put too much pressure on it, and I kind of like drive myself nuts, right, yeah, look of being like, oh, maybe this is the guy, maybe this is the and I like I create this like false hope in my head and I just always set myself up for failure.

So yeah, I feel like the apps do that too, because like when you're talking to someone without meeting them, you kind of can start creating what they're like, and then you meet them and they're not like that, and then that's disappointing or something. It's a tough thing to deal with where we're sort of like interacting on in this way that feels like so disconnected, and then you're kind of looking at a picture that they've decided is like what they're like, you.

Know what I mean.

It's a lot of it's a lot of expectation that everyone's putting into it. But I think as much as you can take that with a grain of salt, when you're meeting somebody and just try to just not even think too hard about what they're going to be like before you go out. Don't build them up at all, because nobody can live up to like whatever thing you made up. Even if they're amazing, it's like you already went in a different direction with it, and then they're weird to you or something.

I don't know. I think that happens.

But again, I have not been on an app in ever, and I've only been married my whole life so multiple times.

But you've been married eight times. That's why she's here give advice. Does any of that help you?

Yeah? It does, thank you great?

Okay, well, yeah, and just remember the more dates the better. Like, have a fun experience dating. It is a numbers game, and you're going to find a lot of people you like, probably probably more than one.

That's a fun problem to have. Yeah, I love it all right.

Carly, get out there and keep us posted and let us know what happens.

Good luck much, thank you bank Bye.

Well.

Our next question comes from Shanna. This one is just an email or my sister.

I mean, let's hope, so she writes in too much.

She says, Dear Chelsea, I've been married to my wonderful husband for fourteen years. He's an excellent dad and a great husband, and I don't want anyone else. Here is our problem. We have vastly different sex drives. We have two children, ages six and thirteen. Our first child was born about a year into our relationship, and I realized about three years into our relationship that I'm gray asexual, meaning I really don't have that much of a sex drive at all, but it can come and go a bit.

SHAWNA Oh, I would say a exploit that grandparents relationship as much as you can, Like I know you said she said in the letter that you can't go they can't go there all the time, But is there any way they could go there a little bit more frequently, because then that becomes your date night and that becomes your thing. And I'm sure you know if you can arrange that, I think that would be a really healthy addition to your like schedule and your sex schedule with

Yeah, and if they're ever at school and then you're ever at home.

I don't know how your schedule's like, but that's a time of day when it's also possible.

Or send your kids to night school. You can send them to school night.

Yeah.

I thought it was really nice that she even said he's not interested in a hall pass, because it means she offered that, which is very generous.

Not everyone would want to do that.

You obviously care about him a lot, and it's I'm curious what he thinks about it, because she didn't mention him being particularly unsatisfied. It was more that he wishes it was more, you know what I mean, which is kind of a different thing. It doesn't seem like it's a maybe a problem for him, but something that he's like, it'd be cool if we did that more.

Yeah, and also like these feelings of this, like this kind of anxious and you said her she said her daughter has panic attacks. Like all of those anxious feelings around the sex, It's like it helps to kind of separate all of that from sex, Like you're making them more related than they need to be to the sex.

You can have sex with your.

Husband without your daughter knocking on your door because she's having a panic attack, Like that's an exception, not the rule. So I would just kind of flip your way of thinking about it, like, oh, think of ways to make this more exciting, not only for your husband, for you you want to get. You know, you're the one who's in a gray kind of asexual area, which is totally fine. Listen, we all have different kind of sexual appetites, and we also go through different phases.

You never know what's around the corner.

You could become a huge horn dog when you go through menopausal, you know, or postmenopausal or perimenopausa, who knows. But I would definitely just try to not just but one of the things I would do is try to reframe how you're looking at the sex and make it more of a fun activity and even a fun activity you're initiating.

I think that's great because it also helps to take the pressure off of the actual sex when it's happening. Because if you're thinking, like, oh my god, she's gonna have a panic attack while this is happening, like, you're not gonna be able to enjoy yourself, So working to like separate that before it's even happening is probably smart.

Yeah.

Yeah, And also, like I was reading this, thing recently about sex.

You know how we always, like.

I know this is true for me when I was young, like always wanted to like a conquest. I always wanted to like if I didn't have sex with a guy, it didn't mean, you know, like I didn't like I had this very male look out outlook towards it. And I also we all kind of think about sex as something that you know, you have to climax and that's the completion of the act.

And it's like sex is a lot more than that.

It's about being affectionate, and it's about having intimacy, and it's about you know, rolling around with someone in bed and flirting and having fun with your partner. And it doesn't always have to lead to an orgasm, you know what I mean, Like you're pleasuring each other, you're doing whatever you're doing. If you're having oral sex, you know, it doesn't always have to lead like that.

It's it's about the togetherness.

And I think if you make an effort in that direction to move closer to your husband in an intimate way, you'll also feel the effect that will feel like the effects of actually having sex more. Yeah.

Yeah, And to that end, you know you might not feel like you want him in your space or touching you as much twice a week once a week, but you know, doing something like oral sex, like being able to satisfy him in a way that like you don't necessarily need to be touched, might be something that works for you. So maybe experiment with some of that.

Yeah, and just let your husband know since you care so much about, you know, pleasing him, like, let him know that these are all things you're working.

On and that you want to be closer.

You know.

I like the flirting aspect because that's so easy to do, to be flirting with your husband, you know, and to make sure you're giving him an extra hug, giving him an extra kiss, touching him you know, when you don't need to. All of those things add up up and they make people feel closer, So it's worthwhile.

Yeah, Yeah, I think that I do that sometimes where I don't. I'll think about something and then not follow through on it or not say it out loud, and then I'll act in my mind as if it happened, do you know, Like it's like I'm thinking so much about this thing that I'm like, oh, obviously he knows what I'm thinking about and that's not true.

People can't read your mind.

So that's also that's great advice because I do think saying making a point to do the actions more, but also saying out loud like this matters to me so much, Like I just want you to know I really care about this, like so that it's not just something that lives.

In your head. Yeah.

And oh, one more thing I want to say about this.

When you have a negative reaction to sex or the thought of sex, that goes a long way as well.

Your thoughts are important. They do matter.

So when you start thinking about it, it's almost like you have to trick yourself into being like, ooh, this is gonna be fun I'm going to do you know, like, not like oh fuck, I gotta do.

This again, you know.

Like, so just start thinking about ways to make it more playful, ways to make it more fun, and you will change your attitude about it.

That's a fact.

Yeah, there is one thing else I want to say about the panic attacks, because say your daughter does wake up in the middle of the night and you guys are getting frisky or whatever, and you can't get the kids out of the house, but you do want to get together. If your daughter knocks on your door, really, like the time between having sex and being able to address that is like you just have to put on a house coat. So true, like you know how to

Exactly, it will be okay.

Yeah, all right, album solved. Probably problem solved. Oh, I can't believe my sister's writing in about this stuff. I mean, honestly, I'm going to bring this.

Up at Thanksgiving in front of the whole family. Absolutely.

That's when they caught me masturbating in front of my family, And my whole family caught me masturbating on Thanksgiving, so it's a full circle moment.

Yeah, so, Jen asks, Dear Chelsea, My partner and I have been together over ten years. We met in college and have worked really hard on our relationship and have created a really healthy partnership. We're headed into our thirties this year, and for the first time kind of feels like we are actually, in fact adults. We live in a growing city and both of us are working hard on our careers, though I'm definitely the more career driven

Ooh, what do you think, Lauren?

Oh my god, it's so intense.

I mean, I do think it sounds like she really knows that she doesn't want kids, and that is such a huge thing to change your mind on, and you can't really be convinced by someone else.

I don't think. I mean, I'm sure it's happened, but I feel like, how long have been together?

Ten years?

Oh god, yeah, I know.

That's so hard. She loves them so much. That is really hard. I don't know, Chelsea, do have ideas you don't have kids? And I feel like maybe you know about like the feeling of like knowing that you.

Know, yeah, I do, I do. I wouldn't.

I wouldn't have a kid because you know, even if I I mean, I can't speak to her being in a ten year relationship because I haven't been, and neither can Lauren because she's been divorced like sixteen times. But I would say that no child deserves to be born because because someone else wants one, and you're just agreeing, like you have to be one hundred and fifty percent into.

Having a baby if you're going to have a baby.

Anything less than that is unacceptable in terms of, you know, children having to deal with their parents, resentment, guilt and all that other stuff. The world is hard enough, so it's not fair to just do that for someone else, because you're not really doing that person. You're doing that person a solid initially, and what ends up happening is

I don't want to stop you from doing this. I love you.

I want this relationship to continue, obviously, but I if I'm going to prohibit you from fulfilling one of your dreams, I love you too much to do something like that. You know I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to prevent you. And I know you want to go find someone, so like you have to deal with that very difficult decision to make, but I think it's the right thing to do.

I know it sounds so hard to end a relationship that you're happy in. Yeah, you know that just for any reason, and then that but that reason would build resentment over time. And I think also what's kind of interesting it depends on I don't know what it depends on, but thinking about the length of time or relationship can make you think like, well, I can never have this again, or I can never start over, or how would I ever? You know, being in ten years, you're like, then we're

When you really love someone, you want them to fulfill their dreams, you know. And I think when you say that, actually, like you act in such an honorable way, because it is painful to end such a long relationship, But when you act in honor of someone and honor and that relationship by saying I don't want to hold you back in any way, and this just isn't for me.

I honestly think like you.

Get rewarded in life, like when you really treat something with dignity and respect, then that's what comes back at you. And that's not going to help you through a painful breakup, but it is kind of if you look at the big picture of life, it would be the right thing to do.

And I think part of this conversation too, is finding out from him.

Is this a deal.

Breaker for you?

I mean, yeah, right, absolutely, is it a deal breaker?

Is it?

I mean I read from that letter that it was not.

I would assume, but yeah, yeah, yeah. So here we are wrecking relationships. Relationship wrecker. That's my middle name, relationship wrecker.

Yeah. Well, keep us post agen.

Okay, we'll take a break and we'll be right back and we're back to close it up with Lauren Lapkiz.

So, Lauren, what's the name of your podcast again?

It's called Haunting. It's Haunting.

It comes out every Tuesday on iHeart or wherever you get your podcasts.

It's very fun.

Okay, So Haunting is her new podcast. Is Lauren's new podcast. It comes out every Tuesday on iHeart like you're listening to right now, which is iHeart, and then another Happy Day.

It's out now.

You can get it on Apple TV or Prime or some other places, but it is available for your viewing pleasure now.

Yes, I always love watching you in anything, Lauren.

Thank you so much.

You're so unique and original and it's nice and refreshing always to see your face.

Thank you well.

I always, I always have a special place for you because you gave me my big break. That show was like the biggest and most exciting thing ever. I had never been on a TV show before, so I love it.

Oh good, I'm so happy to hear that. Yeah, okay, how do you take care?

Thanks so much, thanks for having me. Bye.

Okay, So upcoming shows that I have you, guys, I'm coming to Texas and then I will be in Las Vegas performing at the Chelsea Theater inside the Cosmopolitan Hotel.

I'm coming to Brooklyn, New.

York at the King's Theater on November eighth, and I have tickets on sale throughout the end of the year in December, So if you're in a city like Philadelphia or Bethlehem or San Diego or New Orleans or Omaha.

Check Chelseahandler dot com for tickets.

Okay, if you'd like advice from Chelsea, shoot us an email at Dear Chelsea podcast at gmail dot com and be sure to include your phone number. Dear Chelsea is edited and engineered by Brad Dickert executive producer Catherine Law and be sure to check out our merch at Chelseahandler dot com