Hi, Hi, Hi, Hi. What's going on? Chelsea? Catherine? Chelsea Here, Catherine here, Hi, It's nice to meet you.
Well, hello and goodbye because you're off to Spain.
Hey, estado, precticondo mi espanol, toto por semana. I am in the thick of it. We be in Chelsea.
You have been preparing for this for some time.
A few months.
I feel like I feel like I've been pregnant or something something like that. Drastic has happened to me. I'm carrying a lot of weight on my shoulders and I'd like to drop it. So that's what I'm going to do. But I'm having a very Some of my niece and nephews have arrived and we've already had some really good laughs. So we're off to a good start. And my brother is really a lot more fun without his wife. So I'd like to make sure I put that out there on record.
I'll bet.
So.
Have you been up the mountain yet on your e bike?
You know, I have sister, you know what. That's how I test for COVID. I take a really long bike ride and then if I feel better, it will feel good after I'm like, all right, I must be I must not be.
Set exactly a long bike ride and then you come back and have a little apparel.
Spring surprise, surprise. We ran out of beer on the very first day with my nephews, so they're clearly going to cost me about ten thousand dollars just with alcohol. I'd rather give that to some charity, you know what I mean?
Well, and how long is your drug stash going to last this time? I mean you got to corrupt your nieces and nephews somehow.
Oh, I have a supply for a long time, and I have a drug dealer in Spain, so it's not a problem. And now my Spanish is so good, I can just get um if I need them.
Ooh, that's drug us, Master Goss, Is that what it is? Well, let's talk about our very exciting guests we have today.
Well always, it's always an exciting guest, and we always say that because it is exciting, because otherwise they wouldn't be here.
We wouldn't be talking to people that didn't excite us.
Our guest today stars as the inimitable Susie Green on Curb Your Enthusiasm. Please welcome actress and comedians Susie es Men I'm sitting with Susie s Men, this is a late stage marriage.
That you You got married when you were fifty three years old. Yeah, I met him at forty eight. Forty eight, OK, I just want to follow this trajectory. Here's what I'll say. Now, I don't know you well at all, barely, but I just know from what I've read, you've choose people that I would never go out with, like at work, executives, comedian rapper. Here's my theory. There's it's not my theory. It's like a known thing. There's the gardener, and there's
the flower. You're a flower. You need a fucking gardener. I do need a gardener. Yeah. And these high powered guys they want to be flowered all the time. Like most men, they want to deflower.
They want to deflower, and then they want to be the flower exactly. But some high powered men are very good at gardening because that's why they're in the position in the first place. Like if they're an executive, they're used to dealing with talent and they know how to deal with like personalities a large person.
There's still an ego.
Absolutely, Absolutely every person I've dated was a mistake.
Yeah, so now we have to find you like a guy. Guy.
Okay, I want to know about your guy. I want to know you met him when you're forty eight.
Break it down. What happens? Okay, he was the brother of We're good. It was a mosquito? Was it really a mosquito? Because they love me? Man, they just eat? What do you think this is on my forehead? Susie's looking at a boulder. But I've noticed though, there used to be no mosquitoes in La and now this mosquito. That's right, they're all be warming. I met him his gay brother was one of my best friends, so we had references. You need references. I don't sleep with his
gay brother ever. No, No, I'm not attracted to gay men. I like a man who, like you know, wants to be with women's Yeah, you know, you can always tell when a man is not into a woman's body. I know, I know it's really disappointing.
And I can also tell when you know how men are supposed to be like butt men or boob men.
I'm boobs. I don't have a butt.
So when a man is a buttman with me, I'm very confused because I think i'm like giving them this great present, Like.
Yeah, well you are looking at the gorge and they're.
Real, they're natural, they're up, they're ready to rumble. But what's more interesting is that you are now a stepmother. Yeah, I raised the kids for how long did you raise those Well.
I mean they were like when I met them, they were ten, twelve, fourteen, fifteen. You know, now they're adults. Now they're thirty thirty three, thirty five, thirty six like that. Now you know I had them for all those good teen years. Oh yeah, I never wanted kids. I don't. I don't agree with it. I never wanted kids, and I never you know, I mean I was the thing about a relationship when you're a comedian, is I think
that men are intimidated by funny women. Yes, so you need a really secure guy, right, and you need a guy like my husband. He just loves all the attention I get, like annoyingly so that he like brags about me too much. Well, that's adorable. It's very cute. He's very he's also cute. I'm also you know, I'm only attracted to good looking guys.
I know, I know I have I have a history of Yeah, my history is all over the shop. But I think that's also a good thing because I'm pretty open minded, like I'll try anything for a.
Little bit and then I'm like, oh no. But but also, Chelsea, the paper thing, Fuck the paper? What paper?
You know?
What are they good on paper? That bullshit?
Oh no, I don't have attention to it. Yeah, I have paying attention to my feelings, my instinct. You have to be attracted in the beginning, well, you have to. You can build attraction to someone. I wasn't attracted to my last long term boyfriend in the beginning and over time when you became friends and it just like hit me one day, and that has something that was something
that never happened to me. Because I believe that too, that you had to be instantly attacked, and I feel like that can develop when you have a very close friendship with someone, although I prefer to be instantly Yeah.
Well, but there's got to be attraction when you sleep with them, Well, when you have sex with them, yes.
But if you're hanging out with someone as a friend, it can develop into romantic feelings without having had slept together.
That's probably true. It's never happened.
It never happened to you. Yeah, so when you met your husband, you knew he had kids. Your your friends, I believe, were a little hesitant to even introduce.
His brother was hesitant. But his brother's now husband and boyfriend was a casting director, and he said, you're gonna like this guy. And I thought, well, he's in casting, he knows how to do that, right, that's a good point. So I listened to him and I made sure to meet him, and then I thought he was so cute. And then I thought I was just gonna have a fling with him because he had four kids and he lived up state, and it was like, you know, he
was totally horrible on paper. But I used to have a bit in my act but I would say, but you know, you can't fuck paper, so you know. But so I just thought I was going to have a fling with him. And then I don't know what happened. I guess I was time. It was I was ready for something different. So I raised kids. I know, that's amazing.
I know, teenage where they girls and boys men three girls that have boren But like now, I really like having an adult relationship with them.
But the teenage thing. And then we had a house in the suburbs, and I don't know who I was, but then I was. I was still back and forth to LA and doing curb and doing stand up, and they gave me all new material that.
Was the beautiors of course. Yeah, kids are really they give you a lot, they do. I mean, they take a lot of energy and stamina, you know, when you're on the road, like I have a lot of friends kids that I hang out with, my ex boyfriend's kids I'm very close with. Yeah, and when I have them with me traveling, you are forced to do way more than you would do.
On your own life, and pay more attention and get up out of bed. But I see never sitting on toddlers and little kids. No, Oh, that's just diper No, No, why did you never want to have kids? I have never had the inclination.
I just too, I love my life, and I just always saw myself as like this woman who was never going to be.
Tethered to a man or to a child.
Probably just a direct reaction to my own childhood because there were so many kids in our family, six and I was like, either I'm going to do that or I'm going to do the opposite.
Did you have good parents? Well, I mean.
They meant well, you know, they weren't terrible, but they weren't ideal.
Yeah, well ideal, what's ideal? Exactly? There was a lot of love.
My dad was Jewish, my mom was Mormon, so there was a lot of nonsense. But we had a pretty happy childhood. There was a lot of happiness, a lot of love in our family were very close. Speaking of families, though, I have to ask you about Bruce Springsteen and your scenes with him, because that was so fucking funny with Bruce on Curb.
You know, he was amazing. He is he was amazing. I mean, okay, he does write all his own Bruce Springsteam we're talking about. Yeah, he does write all his own songs, and he did do a one man show on Broadway. But he's never been in any kind of TV or film ever. He told me he's never done something like this before. And he was incredibly relaxing, you know, as you know, we're all improvisedes. No, he couldn't learn dialogue.
He just had to sit there and he just picked it up so quickly, and it was you know, you just never know how somebody It was not a comic is going to improve, it's going to improvise. And he was great. And you know he said to me before I before I left, he said to me, can I take a selfie with you? I was like, no, I don't take selfie. He was so humble.
I know he's so I mean, have you seen him per formats? And of course he's so fucking awesome to watch.
I saw him before for the first time last summer, this past summer in and then again in Hyde Park like in two weeks apart, and I will Hide Park in London, Yes, and I will forever be a Bruce Springstein family. That guy fucking plays for three hours and sometimes four hours. He's seven and four youngster. I know people talking about that who went to the Stones last weekend.
They were saying they were like, you know they what are they in the nineties now, No, the eighties, but they said they were like, you know, on stage forever and just energy and I can't do that. Well, what is Mick?
Mick Jagger is like a live carcass dancing around on the stage. I mean, have you ever seen a body that looks that frail, that is able to move in such with such volocity, sterity.
No, I haven't, and not to mention the abuse of all those years of abuse. I know they say they get dryed.
I've heard multiple times that they get some sort of blood transfusion, going, oh yeah, all the meds are like, the medics are there.
This is when the Eagles play too. There's always like they're realer doctors just in case something, you know, they get like they pass out or whatever.
But stand ups should happen, no kidding, I mean we need something because we're traveling.
Just what's the longest show you've ever done? Probably like an hour and forty minutes. That's long, but that's the longest. That's long. The difference is you're up there all by yourself. I mean, they got musicians, and you know, it's very different being a musician than a comic. But I also, we're not dancing. We're not singing, and we're not Some comics are dancing, well, I wish I.
Wish they would stop as well, but dancing singing like, it's definitely easier to do stand up.
You're just I don't think so, Chelsea, Really, I don't think so. I think you're yees yes, physically you're up there standing with the mic in your hand. You know, I've never been one of these physical, you know, comics. But I just think stand up is so much harder than doing music because you got to get that laugh and you're by yourself. When you go to like a cafe or something, you see a combo, people are talking
and they're just singing. They're all playing. They don't care if that was up on stage and they're all talking. We can't handle that. No, No, you're absolutely right, and you got to get that left what every fifteen twenty seconds? I was. I was on stage the other night at a show, and I remember thinking, I can't believe I'm supposed to be I'm the only one here to entertain this exactly, like it's completely on my shoulders. If this doesn't go, well, I don't do it anymore. You don't know,
you don't do stand up anymore. I didn't know that. Yeah, Oh, why are you over it? Yeah? Really, it just stopped. You know a lot of things. I think that I was too addicted to the killing, and I got stale, and then I just wasn't that interested. It wasn't that creatively interesting, And it's just you know, I suffer from stage fright, and it was just so hard and if it wasn't creatively interesting. You know, my manager hates it because he's like, you can make a lot of money now, you know.
I once quit stand up and all they did, I mean I took a break for like six years, and all they did was my reps, like you need to go back.
You're leaving money on the table.
It's so much money to leave on the table, exactly, And I was like, I don't have anything to say.
I felt very sad. That's how I were saying right now. Maybe it'll change, but that's how I feel right now.
I think creative stuff comes in bursts, you know. I think we all have bursts of creativity when we feel really like passionate about doing stuff, and then there's a retreat.
You know a lot of times I'm retreated right now. I get it, and I feel I feel sad about it a little bit because there is something so great about it.
Well, you're providing joy, yeah, and the most nicest way to describe it as you are providing a joy and a reprieve for other people. And I feel like for me when I went back to stand up, it was because I felt like I was helping, you know what I mean.
I used to think that, you know, all those nights when you don't want to go on and I remember standing backstage and I'm just like, all right, I'm gonna go unclog some arteries now, you know. That would like get me going. But the thought of having not done it for like five six years, the thought of getting back, how did you get back? I did a book I did I wrote like my last book, and I did a speaking engagement tour, yeah, where I had different celebrities
and all author's interview me on stage. Yeah. And then if you have a podium, it's a thing of yes yes.
And while I did that, I just collected the material through the conversation for my stand up, you know what I mean.
That's just smart, that's really smart.
It was actually really a good way for me to get back in because I also was scared to get back on stage.
Of course, if you haven't been on stage for rights, I'll do the evening with thing where somebody's in I like that. Yeah, of course, you know it takes it's the onus is off you exactly. Yeah.
I want to go back to kurb because it's my one of my favorite shows, and it's so fucking funny and I love I remember auditioning for Larry once when I was like twenty five, and I was so excited because improv is all I want to do.
I love improv. I hate scripts.
I hate you know, it's so much easier just to fucking like what you do on the show, which is go off on whatever.
It is that you don't have to. You don't have to lie in bed the night before and go over your lines and be nervous that you're not going to remember them, because I'm horrible about that. And it's not just that you don't have to learn a line, it's that you get to you get to be part of the creative process. I mean, you get to write your own material, right, which is what we do exactly. And you've called Larry a genius. Yeah, you think he's a genius.
I do. I do because when I read, you know, we have an outline, as you know, there's like a very detailed outline. You know, every paragraph correlates to a scene, and so you know what the scene is about. And when I read the outlines, I can't figure out how he did it. It's transcendent. And I have a comic brain and I can't figure out how he did it. And it's just he's a genius at story. He's a genius.
It's pretty interesting to talk to anytime I see him in public. He's always just very interesting to listen to, you know, to ask questions too well.
His brain works in a different way, and that's what I think is genius. And you've been on the show for twenty plus years? How many? Four years? Twenty four years? Twelve seasons?
WHOA, yeah, and you were a day player when you started. So when did you start? When did you get a contract?
Season eight?
Oh?
Godb yeah? But you know what I was. I mean, I was guest star. I was like day scale for like the first three seats. I made no money on that show for like the very beginning. But they made up for it. It's fine. Oh they did it because we can always sue them. No, no, no, it's fine. They love to say they've been very good. HBO is a great place. The HBO treats their talent really well. And they've treated me in the in this last incarnation beautifully. I have no complaints.
And so you guys just must sit on set and laugh your fucking at you.
You show up on set and there's all the people that I came up with and stand up, you know, I mean Larry and John Hayman and Carol Leafer and you know, everybody's on set. I've been working with these people for twenty four years or whatever, and we just laugh. And Larry loves to laugh, and he just you know, whenever he gets yelled at, he just gets the giggles. We just laugh all day. We laugh and we eat.
It's the greatest. And for me, I show up and I tell everybody to go fuck themselves, and then they love me for it, and then they give me money and I go home and you get to yell at, Yes, you get to yell at Jeff Garlic. Yea yell at It would be a pleasure for me as well. I'm very invidious of your situation. Yeah, that's exactly the kind of gig I would respect. You would love it.
No script, outline, improvise, yell at people and go home.
But also it's like more than just yelling at people. There's there's story. You have to push forward. And what Larry sets up with Jeff Schaeffer who's are the ep who writes all the outlines with Larry and he directs almost all the episodes. It's a true situation comedy in the sense that they set up these situations that like in the beginning of the season, I read the outlines that I'm just like, I can't believe what they have me doing this season. Oh I have I have to
have vaginal rejuvenation surgery this season. It's like the ship that they get. They give me the funniest shit to do, and I just it's like, I can't wait to get to set and and act out these scenarios. You know. It's just it's like, whatever it is. You know, I guess I'm gonna have to learn signline, which is you know, I just read the outlanes is like I have a caftan business this season. Whatever it is, it's just they give me the funniest stuff to do.
On that note, we're going to take a break and we're going to be right back to meet with some callers so Susie can dish out what she's so famous for. No pressure to be a bitch, though, Susie.
This week, we're looking for relationship advice. If you're having a problem in your relationship, want to know how to do better or need Chelsea to weigh in on whether you're right about something. Right into Dear Chelsea podcast at gmail dot com and we're back.
With Susie s Men. We are back, Catherine. What do we have going on?
Well, we've got some women behaving badly, We've got some men behaving badly.
So let's start.
With a workplace conundrum. Maria says, Dear Chelsea. I work at a small office with six other women. I'm struggling with this one issue that's come to light in the past few months. One of my colleagues, whose single, late forties, beautiful woman, started dating this guy in his mid fifties who claims to be separated from his wife. The guy lives in a different city and he and my coworker only see each other every once in a while. Neither
of them are on social media. At first, I was so happy for her, but as time went by, I started noticing that the only time she would see him was when he went to a conference. He would pay for all of her expenses. She'd have the best time, but a few of us in the office started wondering why she was never invited to his city to hang out with him at his place.
Well, we know why, we know why.
That's when my other colleague asked her what his last name was. I'm not proud to say we looked him up and it didn't take us more than five minutes to find his adult daughter's Facebook, where she had posted photos of the most recent family cruise, where he seemed pretty cozy with his wife. We wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt and thought, maybe they have an amicable relationship and still vacation together post separation, or
maybe it's an open marriage. But if this is the case, then why wouldn't he just disclose this to my colleague? My question is do I tell my friend. I'm very much struggling to believe that she doesn't know about this because it took me so little time to find the photos online, so I'm not sure I'm ready to tell her and confront the fact that she already knows and
just agrees to continue to see him. My gut feeling tells me to leave this alone because it's none of my business, But as a feminist, I find it very hard to ignore the fact that this man's actions are hurting his wife and honestly my colleague too, who clearly doesn't think she deserves an available partner. I'm a huge fan and would love to hear your thoughts on this, Maria.
I'll tell you what I think. Well, hold on, Maria's here, hold you marisus Susie, Maria would I the most beautiful sound I ever heard? Susie is chomping at the Beria. Where are you there?
You are?
I understand your concerns, but kill the messenger. I would mind your own business. I would tell her, Yeah, you would.
I would because I just as a woman, this is my philosophy. I feel like, since women are so fucked and men are almost fucking us over, if we don't have each other to rely on for the truth. And I understand you are gonna it is troubling to be the messenger, and she might be pissed at you, but I would want someone to tell me.
Yeah, but she doesn't know anything firsthand. She just knows what she found online, right Maria, that's right?
Yes?
Yeah, So this so the girlfriend could find the same information online. Who goes out with somebody doesn't google them? Well, lots of people actually, Well they're dumb. Yeah, I don't google people ever.
Really, the less I know the better, Otherwise I'll find some ick to be like, forget it. I don't want to meet you, you know, if I see a belt or like the rum shoe, you know, or if I see them walk funny have you because you're.
A superficial Chelsea.
Yeah, I mean it took me all of eight minutes to find this information she wanted to know.
If she wanted to know, she could find out. If you knew this personally, like you knew the guy and knew the wife would be different to me. But it's your friend, it's her friend.
Like, I think you should tell your friend what you found and let her see it, Like, yay, I just want you to know.
This is what's the situation is. She's probably gonna stay in the situation. I mean, but she might not. She m might know about it already. Do you think she might? That's it?
That's my like, And then it'd be super awkward for me to be like, I don't know. I'm struggling with telling her and her being like uh huh, And I'm like, oh, all right, I guess we think differently about this, you know.
Can you anonymously tell her, oh, there's a thought. I mean we're a very small office. I mean, yes, splip her a note.
You could get a fake email address and send her the link to his Facebook account or whatever you found from someone else, right, like from Susiesamon at gmail dot com.
Or can you just like dig around and to figure out if she knows? Yeah, I mean if she doesn't know, then she's kind of dumb, you know. I mean from what you describe that, the red flags are all there, which is why you and your other coworkers are looking into this. Correct, that's right, That is correct.
Yeah, and that's the thing too.
It's just the last conference they went to, there was a dinner and she wasn't invited to the dinner. Of course she wasn't because she's not the white you know, like.
Yeah, yeah, how do you not see this? You know, how old is she? She's forty nine? I think no, forty eight. She's not a kid. That's not that's not good either. No, and you're right, maybe she does know. Like how close to a girlfriend is it? Is it a really close girlfriend or just like more of a work colleague friend. No, she's just my colleague we don't have to know, So maybe she's happy just to get laid every now and then and go to different conferences.
I still think you should send her an anonymous link, get a fake email address and send it to her.
If she's not a really good friend. I think it's awkward to say something. I do too. That's why the anonymous thing is better.
Because she does deserve to know the truth, but you don't have to be the one giving it to her. That way, you don't have to get to deal with any of the reverberations of that true.
And I don't want to make it awkward.
You know, if she goes on and she knows I know, and it's like yeah, every day walking into the office, it.
Would be I do wonder if there's some digging around the topic that you can do, like where do you see your relationship going? Do you think you might marry him one day or that sort of thing, or is it just for fun?
At that age, I think it's completely reasonable to say, has he been married? Does he have kids? I mean, the guys know what in his fifties, Yeah he is, and she knows he has kids. She knows Okay, he had a wife that he just says he separated. Well, maybe he is. Who knows? I would go ahead with the anonymous and an anonymous email. I think that's a great idea, and I'm going to start giving that advice to more people. Actually, I think that's a really good idea.
I hadn't thought about that.
Yeah, I mean a forty nine year old woman. You're not dealing with a twenty two year old girl. You're dealing with a woman that might be fine with her. It might be okay with her, that might be all she wants that. You know, it's kind of nice not to have any full commitment to someone who has another family.
I just think about the wife though, Like, you know, he's not in my business.
But I know that's the thing I feel like all women's businesses, all of our business, I know, we don't know the information. Maybe the wife can't stand him. Maybe the wife does is fine with having him, living with him, but doesn't want to have sex with him. You know, who knows, who knows? They've been together a long time. Probably you know. The heat doesn't last. No, the heat does not last.
And social media lized too right the photos I seen, she like, they're like very cozy with each other.
But social media social media, right, so well, I don't know.
I mean, that's not a lie necessarily if you're hugging someone in a photo, I know, and your other colleagues like coworkers, are on the same page. Yeah, okay, well, I think you do the anonymous email and then let us know what happens, let us know what the fallout is.
I will for sure use my initials.
Ch Okay, it's a lot of great Maria, thank you so much. By have a good stop interrupting the caller, Susie, Okay, sorry, Maritt, Oh my god, the heat doesn't last.
What do you do in your relationship to keep the firebird? You just you kind of You make sure that you have sex well. Also, you know i'm posting an old lady. Now I'm post metapausal. That changes things too, But you make sure that you may have dates, and you make sure to make it happen. It's still enjoyable. It's just
not like it was, you know, in the beginning. I know that's why I'm always reluctant to spend a long period of time with a man when I'm sexually attracted to him, because I know it will wane, and I want to keep those juices going. Yeah, so I like three days on and then like two weeks off and then a vacation. I think that's good.
It just in general that keeps the fire burning, right, because once you're living with someone, it's over.
But the important thing is to keep the familiarity with to keep the intimacy without being overly familiar. You know, when you're overly familiar and then you're infantilized, you become mommy and daddy and you're on the toilet. Yeah, exactly right, no, right, you know, you have to keep a little mystery. You know. It's like if I'm not in the mood, all right, you know, I'll take a little gummy and I'll make I'll get in the mood and I'll enjoy myself. It's just not the way that it was.
It's like pizza, like you know, I think David Tel says that all the time. It's like pizza, pussy Santa, like, all of those things are going to be good once you go.
And who would go better than David Tell about relationships. Take relationship advice from David Tell. Okay, what's next? Cotherine?
All right, Well, Our next question is also a caller, and this question comes from Jess Dear Chelsea. I just moved to Montana from Maryland. I randomly thought of the idea after Christmas, when my dad and I got into a huge argument. I finally decided that I want nothing to do with him or my biological sister. They were some of the last people I cut off from my life in twenty twenty three. I'm pretty sure I've cut ties with ten to thirteen people in the last year.
I have trauma from my past, but I'm not sure if that's the reason I've been cutting people off or if I'm just done with the fuckery. I feel like I hit a breaking point where getting close to people is more.
Annoying than not.
I've always had a lot of friends since grade school, but now I'm thirty one and I feel like I just don't have the space to hold for tediousness. People just don't like an a a female. I even cut off my therapist after one month because I felt like she was just a yes man. The thing is everyone I've cut off for my closest friends, and it feels like I hit a switch and suddenly gave no fucks about maintaining any friendships with them. My question for you is am I the problem because I've cut so many
people off? Or is this just a part of life. Is running away quietly across the country the right solution? Or do I need to find closure with everyone. I've always been the person in my relationships to step forward and ask to have the awkward conversations. But I'm kind of sick of being the bigger person and saying I understand why you did this after they explain themselves and say sorry. But having cut so many people off, I have to ask, am I actually the problem?
Jess? It's an interesting one. Mm hmmm, yeah, Hi Jess, Hi, how are you? We're good? Hi, how are you? This is our special guest Susie today.
As Hi, Susie. Nice to meet you.
Has Montana.
Oh, today's like one of the first warm days, so I can't complain.
Oh nice. My girlfriends in Montana. She just sent me a video of a rushing river.
I was like, oh, she's on the set of Yellowstone and I was like, oh, this looks like Yellowstone.
Oh nice, beautiful minus all the Republicans.
Yeah, exactly.
So you move from Maryland to Okay, so what's give us some idea what happened with your sister and your dad?
Okay, sister and my dad. So my dad is pretty much a con artist. So like sometimes he'll get his car stolen quote unquote just to get the insurance money back. He's fallen in stores before, so those are like the bigger deals, and my sister just chooses to ignore it. Some other things that my dad has done, like on a smaller scale, would be me coming home. I'm a massage therapist, so coming home from school with all my books and him telling me that I'm not going to
make it through school. And then when I bring it up in the future, he's like, I didn't say that's pretty much like gas lighting. He was not encouraging, not encouraging whatsoever. So I just didn't invite him to my graduation, you know, things like that. And when I do bring things up to him, he pretends like he never said it. Not only that, I got a call from one of my friends saying that my dad was going around offering to suck a guy's penis out of work where a
lot of my friends have worked at. Right, So like I brought it up to his attention he denies the whole thing.
Well that I understand him denying. And his daughter, do you know that he's gay or you?
Yeah? Yeah, he oh he is gay. Yeah, but his partner passed away after twenty years due to an alcohol addiction, and he's just kind of gone off the reels.
So he's emotionally unstable. Yeah, your dad is a hot mess.
Yeah. Yeah. And my sister's excuse is that he's somewhere on the spectrum so he doesn't know any better.
Well, she might be right about that, but that doesn't matter if it makes you feel uncomfortable.
Right, And like, I mean, I have fifty years old, you should know better by now, you know?
Well, I know a lot of fifty year olds who or sixty or seventy year old who don't know better. But you know, I think the cutting off of the family is a little bit of a different issue than cutting off of the friends.
Yeah, talk to us about that, Like why are you cutting off so many friendships?
I'm cutting off my friendships and a lot a lot of them are my long term friendships because I feel like I'm giving, given, giving, and then when I pull back, I don't get anything in return. Whether it's like materialistic or like emotional support or anything like that. Some of them, I'm just like, you're e fin stupid, you.
Know, Jess. How old are you?
Thirty one?
Thirty one? Okay, so yeah, on that kind of And have you made some friends in Montana?
Now, I've been here for about two months and I've been mingling. I've gone out with a couple of people. But I'm kind of having a problem of trying to figure out what I want to accept as friendships and how much I want to give of myself to other people, you know, you.
Know, I mean, remember a point in my life where anybody who made me feel icky, I just cut out.
Yeah, that's where I are.
That wasn't everybody, you know, it wasn't.
You know.
You get to a certain point your life and as you move along and you change, and whether it's success or whatever, people start treating you a little bit differently. You know. But if you're cutting off, if it's like across the board everybody, I think you need to look within a little bit.
Yeah. And I've kept like a few close friends, but I have had like a big broad spectrum of friends as well. Everyone always says Jes knows everyone, and so I've kind of been like that people pleaser of like what do you need? And I think I've kind of like taken a step back to be like, well what do I need? You know, and like why are you guys not giving it to me? And so now I'm getting pissed off that, like they aren't able to give me what I need.
I think that's a very valid kind of place to be. But maybe you're going a little ex d but maybe you need to, maybe she needs to.
I think it's a question of you know, when you're thirty one years old, you are transitioning into a different decade of your life, and you are becoming more mature, and you're becoming less tolerant, as we all know, as we age, we become less tolerant of the nonsense. Yeah, you don't want to surround yourself with people that don't appreciate you or that are only taking from you.
But do you like speak with a therapist. Do you have a therapist that you talk to about this?
Yeah, that was another thing. I try to talk to two therapists.
Oh yeah, you fired her too, right, Yeah, Well, finding the right therapist is very difficult. It's very difficult to find the right is that's true, they might not have been the right people. So that's that's you know, not necessarily on you.
Yeah, but then that's where I am like, how do you start the therapy session without like spilling everything out? You know, like I've already done with you guys, Like, where do I hold back? Where do I give?
Well, that's what therapy is for, is to vomit out all of your That's what the person is sitting there to listen to you tell them everything, and then hopefully they can help you digest it and figure out a way forward. I understand what you're saying. There's been a lot of people that I've nixed out of my life. There's a lot of people who've nixed me out of their lives, you know what I mean. Over the course of forty years, fifty years almost you know, that's happened
a lot. I think you have to have a degree of self awareness, and it sounds like you do because.
You're aware that you're cutting, you're asking the questionships. Yeah, exactly, And so from two Jewish women who've spent a lot of time in therapy, a lot of these are all good signs.
These are signs of life. Okay, but I think it's good that you're questioning yourself. I wouldn't beat yourself up, but I would show grace to yourself while also showing it to the new people that you meet in your life. When you're meeting someone or you're forming a friendship with someone, it's it's not a competition about who's giving more. You know, you're getting a sense of who a person is, and over a period of time is when you really get
to know somebody. So I would be graceful in your new relationships, knowing that you had a pattern of ending a lot of relationships or picking the wrong people to be close to you. Right, like moving into this new you have a whole new like life now right you're in Montana. You just got there. This is exciting and it's a whole new chance to paint like a great
picture for yourself or a life. And I think you should show yourself grace, and you should show everyone you meet grace and just be a little bit less, you know, like expectant of what you're getting in return, what.
Your expectations are. You know what your expectations are in a relationship and maybe you're expecting too much from people. And I also think that there's a big difference between friends and family. You know, family you're stuck that you don't choose them. Your friends you choose, so you know, if the family feels toxic to you in some way. I think it's okay to take a break from family too, I really do. It's not easy.
See, I was nervous because Chelsea normally says, like, your family is your family, and like you have to work towards it.
Well, not when your dad's offering has suck dick at a party, Like, no, that's not acceptable behavior.
That's so awful to hear as a child that your father's it's really inappropriate.
But to my friends, okay, So not only not only that, but then what do I do about my sister because now I feel like she kind of holds her children as currency and our friends or like in our relationships, so like she doesn't reach out to me whatsoever. She waits until I reach out to her. She'll pay attention to like my Instagram or my Snapchat stories, but other than that, like she doesn't like anything, She doesn't ask me how anything is.
Sometimes you just need time, though, just sometimes you just need time. You left two months ago, it's not a lot of time. And sometimes these relationships, I mean, I've taken breaks with different members of my family because I just had to. And sometimes you just need that.
How long is a break for you?
You don't have to put a time frame on it.
I think the most important thing to recognize is what Zusie said is totally right.
First of all, you're very good. You can tell that your mother.
Susie, you're very good at You drew a boundary, you moved to Montana, you got away from your family. Your sister and your nieces and nephews aren't necessarily the problem that you're expressing that you have with your father.
That's a different, you know.
I mean, they're there, but I think you give that time and you just stay in communication for the sake of the children obviously, and your relationship with your sister. And when she comes around, she comes around, but don't punish her, you know what I mean. Like, it's nice to just keep any line of communication open. If she's checking your stories and she's checking your snapchat, she cares what you're doing.
Right, Okay, yeah, I think So what do you.
Think she's checking it for I think she's spiteful.
I think she doesn't agree with my lifestyle and she thinks that I'm very judgmental towards her lifestyle.
What's her lifestyle?
You know, feeding the babies candy right when they wake up in the morning and Gerber's pack.
That's not your problem though, that's not your business. Yeah, you can't be judgmental of that because you're not their parent.
I also think that you should be careful about being too hard on yourself because what you've done is very brave. You've moved across the country on your own, You've cut ties with people that are hurtful to you, and it's not an easy thing. And I think the fact that you're asking the question is it me or them? Shows that you're evolved enough to ask that question.
Thank you.
I agree like an narcissist.
I was told this in therapy when I asked my therapist if I was a narcissist that he said, typically narcissists aren't looking for Feedback's right, that's right, right.
That's like my question sometimes, like do I have like these narcissistic tendencies that make me push people away or.
Well, you might you know that that this is something that needs to be explored with a good therapist. I think, yeah, you got to keep trying to find your new therapist.
But I think asking all these questions is a very strong identifying factory that you are on the right track, you know what I mean. You're not just blowing through people and you're thinking twice about it. You're going, Wow, I just lost a lot of friends, or I cut off a lot of friends. Maybe I'm the problem, you know, And maybe maybe you are part of the problem. I'm sure you're an element of the problem. But who's to
say that it is a problem. Maybe you're just getting rid of the fat in your life and at thirty, you're coming of age in a different way, and you're more discerning about who you're going to spend your time with and what you're looking for in friendships.
And I think that's good, that's not a bad thing. And but one thing I would be careful of, because I agree with everything that Chelsea just said, But one thing I would be careful of is expecting too much from people. And it sounds as though I don't know about your mother, but it sounds as though your father was damaged in a way that could not give you what you need. And maybe you're looking for that in other people and that's not their job.
Yeah, I agree with you one hundred percent.
That's not the job of a friend. So you have to be careful of what you expect from other people. Also, Okay, that's good advice.
Yeah, thank you for that. Yeah, it's true, because you know, I've always been mad at my dad for like not being the quote unquote dad that he should be. But I mean, if you guys haven't called on he is gay and he had to be a gay.
Paar quote on when he when you mentioned the dicksie.
Yeah, who knows?
Where's your where's your mom? Is she in the picture?
She actually ran away from my father when we were toddlers.
Yeah, So you you have stuff there of abandonment and and all this stuff, and you might, I don't know, but you might be expecting too much from your friends. Yeah, because there's there's the hole to fill, you know, and the only person who could feel that is you. The only person who can fill your hole is you.
That this is very true.
It's an inside job.
And then when you are full, you don't you're not looking for people to show up in ways that you have been abandoned in the past or let down in the past, because that's not anyone's responsibilit but your own to kind of fix that. So I think you really have to be consistent or determined to find a good therapist. And now that everything's on zoom anyway, it's not like you have to find someone in my tentat you know what I mean. You could find someone anywhere in the
world or in the country. At the very least that you can do. You know that you try and get a connection going with and someone you feel safe with and unpack all of this because it's a lot.
Yeah, okay, that's good advice too, and just keep it. Is like shopping.
Yes, it's like shopping. Just stay at it. Once you find someone, it'll be worth it. It's like finding your soulmate. Look at Susie. She waited until she was forty eight years old and then she got married to or she got married at fifty three.
You met him at forty and you got married at fifty to three, efty three for the first time. But you know, with therapists also, I had several therapists that were not the right one till I found the right one, and then she saved my life really because she was you know, she was the right person. So it's important to find the right person.
And how many sessions do you go with someone before you realize it's not working?
Well, you know, I mean it depends on how in which way it's not working. Like there was one who was she was lovely, but she was just you know, And there was another who was hostile who I ended very quickly, So it depends on how it's not working. And then I found, you know, a great woman who saved my life.
Yeah, that's what I'm waiting for. I think I just get a little anxious, like tell it.
But just Chelsea, here in your background, you need to be in therapy because there is early damage there that needs to be looked at. Yeah, and a very common thing.
I mean, not only is your dad a disappointment and your mother abandoned you, so there's a lot of abandonment going on there. So the lot of the things that you might be expecting from your friends is a combo of the abandonment and the you know, and the I mean your poor father had to raise you alone, you know, which many women have to do.
But that's hard too, So he's sure struggling.
It doesn't mean you have to hang out with him, and you know, but you have to understand that he has his own life too, and he had to deal with something that wasn't planned and he's gay and he had to deal with that being married.
You know, it's at what age should he come out?
Uh? He came out before I was born, and his father forced him to be with my mother, who had had my sister. Yeah, and it gets even messier from there, but like, we don't need to go into that.
Yeah, so he's got his own stuff. He's got his own stuff for sure. One of the things you start to realize as you get older is you start to see your parents as human beings and not just your parents. And everybody comes by their own shit, honestly, you know.
Yeah, Yeah, and I know this is his I always joke around and say, if we've lived many lifetimes, this is his first. But as far as like my sister and I go, she thinks therapy is a joke. And if I've brought up therapy to her for a couple of different reasons, and she gets really offended by it.
I've dealt with that with a sibling.
Yeah, So how are you to go about like your relationship if they don't think that they could be helped.
It's a problem. You're living in two different worlds, really, and you could either just accept it. You're not going to change her, that is one thing I've learned. Also, you're not going to change anybody. So you could either just accept who she is and her belief system or stay away.
Okay.
The other thing is I mean she had the same mother and father, so she needs therapy also, so you.
Know, right, but she chooses to ignore it.
Yeah, I know, but that's a lot of people. That's also not your issue. Your issue you're focusing. I think one of the problems here, which is very common for all of us, is you're outward focusing on other people and what their shortcomings and their issues are, and really the main issue is you and how you're going to be healthy and how you're going to heal from all of this childhood stuff, because it's a healing process and until you get with the right person that speeds up
and expedites everything that you're talking about. I think you should work on your judgment because you seem like you're judging a lot of people.
So you got to stop that. And that's another thing you're going to learn in therapy.
That's what I learned. I'm super fucking judgmental. I am so judgmental if someone doesn't do so you know, people are sloppy drunk. I love alcohol.
I mean all I do.
Is drink and smoke pot. But when somebody is sloppy, I have no tolerance right that. I'm like, no, no, no no.
And people are like, what are you talking about. You're a miss party on them all.
I'm like, yeah, but I keep my fucking shit together and I need you to keep your shit together.
So I understand the judgment and that is a work in progress. You really have to work on that with your therapist. But yeah, keep going. Thank you for calling. I think you're adorable and.
You're brave, like Susie said, for moving to Montana. And this is a new beginning, which is just I want you to think of everything moving forward as a new, fresh, positive beginning.
Okay, I appreciate that.
And when you catch yourself judging someone, just catch yourself.
And take a step back. Yeah yeah, all right, Well, thank you ladies. I appreciate all of you.
Thank you, honey, take care, good luck, bye bye. Okay, Susie just expired six I know we got to get her out because I was late to this episode. So it's all my faults, listeners.
But we had such a good time. I know we had a great time. We'll do it again. It's really upsetting that you have to go, but you have to go to the airport. I do you live here in New York? Yes, but I do have a thing called zoom. Okay, well no, I'm gonna come in.
We're gonna do it in person. We're gonna do it again because you You were great by the way.
I love giving it. I love it.
And have a safe flight, all right, try not to get monkey pocks. Oh god, it's back.
I'm wearing a mask. Okay. So upcoming shows that I have you guys, Auckland, New Zealand, Wellington, New Zealand, Melbourne, Australia, Brisbane and Australia, Sydney, Australia. We've added second shows to places that have sold out the first and then I'm gonna be in Hawaii on Maui, Ka Hulue and Honolulu. I will be there in July.
Also in July, I'm coming to Niagara Falls on July twenty seventh. I'm coming to Hollywood, Florida for my only show in Florida on twenty eighth. I'll be in Auburn, Washington on August first, and then Santa Rosa, California for my second show August second. August seventeenth is the Santa Barbara Bull You do not want to miss that. And then I will be all over Maine, Charlotte, North Carolina, Charleston, South Carolina.
I'm coming to Texas. I'm coming to Saint Louis and Kansas City.
I'm coming to Brooklyn, New York at the King's Theater on November eighth, and I have tickets on sale throughout the end of the year in December, So if you're in a city like Philadelphia or Bethlehem, or San Diego or New Orleans or Omaha, check Chelseahandler dot com for tickets.
Okay, if you'd.
Like advice from Chelsea, shoot us an email at Dear Chelsea podcast at gmail dot com and be sure to include your phone number. Dear Chelsea is edited and engineered by Brad Dickert.
Executive producer Catherine Law, and be sure to check out our merch at Chelseahandler dot com