Polyamory & Pronouns with Nico Tortorella & Bethany C. Meyers

well that's what nieces are for, right, huh huh. You will never catch me recording this podcast out of my niece's bedroom, So I would like to say thank you in advance for that happening. Okay, So today's guests, we have a couple that is coming. This is a couple who are non binary and polyamorous, and they speak a lot about the relationship. So I thought it would be a great opportunity for us all to get a little bit more edgemicated. Today's guests are Nico torture Rella and

Bethany C. Myers. Nico is an actor that you may recognize from the Walking Dead, World Beyond Younger and an upcoming indie drama called The Ma Machine Family. And Bethany is the founder and CEO of the Become Project. You can follow her on Instagram at the b dot c O m E Project, which is a body neutral movement and fitness program. So those are our guest today and I was very very honored to introduce them. Hello, Bethany and Nico, Thank you guys for coming down to this

podcast in New York City. No, Lass, Yeah, I'm excited to have you. I've seen a couple of things that you guys have spoken about, and I'm so excited to talk to you about your relationship and your careers. And in this time, I know that you must get sick and tired of having to explain your relationship to people who don't know. But of course it is so beneficial for our listeners to have a better understanding of what polyamory means, of what not identifying with a certain gender means,

you know. So I know that you probably feel like an educative onus on your back, but I mean it's it's great that you're willing to talk about it and kind of let people understand have a better understanding of what that means. So let's talk. First of all, I know you just changed your pronouns. Right, you identify as they them, and you recently changed it to her right they she they she? Okay, sorry, they she? And why did you change that? Yeah? So originally I always us

she her pronouns. You know, hadn't really known anything else than like, several years ago, I started using they them pronouns. Really liked the way that it felt. And I feel like this switch to they she is for many different reasons. I think in part, I was kind of tired of educating people, and I think in my work that I do, I really liked allow people a space to be able to have conversation and have nuanced conversation and get things

wrong without feeling really bad about it. And it starts to feel like, you know, maybe somebody would use a she her pronoun and then they would oh my god, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry. And then I think also for me, that felt really right. And I think like for both NKO and I are, a relationship with gender is so fluid, and in being fluid, it changes, right, and so it kind of shifted for me. And I'm sure we'll talk more about this later but we've been

trying to start a family. I've been trying to get pregnant. It has been of a fucking annoying year. There's so much that I learned that I feel like I should

have already known. We've been having a hard time, and there's something that is like really connecting me very specifically to the biology of my body, right and like uterus, and like there's a piece of kind of maybe I don't know if it's getting more in touch with that or or connecting with that side that has allowed she her pronouns to also feel good along with Favan pronouns. We're definitely a house of all pronouns are welcome at this point. I think language fails us across the board.

You know, well, I think people are drawn to it. You were saying you were drawn to the pronouns without using he or she to sexual identification, right as a man or a woman born with those genes, right, you You were drawn to saying they or them for what reason? Well, I think like they them pronouns allowed me to feel like I was working outside of a box. And I actually feel this way a lot about really gendering things,

So like going outside of the Queer Conversation. I think that the emphasis that society places on gender really puts people into a very specific box. So, like when you look at kids, like young girls, if they're girls, they need to like these things, they need to be a certain way. They can't be assertive, they can't be bossy, right, young boys, if they're a boy, then they can't be sensitive, they can't cry, they can't wear peeing great, and we

like box people into these gender stereotypes. And personally, I think that if we had less focus on gender, I just think everything would be a little bit better in a lot of ways. Well, it would certainly be better for a lot of women, you know what I mean. The reasoning behind a lot of that for women is to not be identified as a woman in the workplace because of the negative connotations that has and the ostracization that that can come with, you know, and they're not

getting hired for a job. So it totally makes sense, you know, if you're following that line of thinking, to not have the disadvantage of being a woman, which in

so many instances more so than not, is a disadvantage. Yes, And I would also say that for men, I think it can be really beneficial as well in this sense of like, you know, if you want to boil it down like toxic masculinity, right or I think that that kind of helps strip it down and to be like, no, you can be sensitive and you can be sweet, and you can cry when you scrape your knee and that's okay,

you know. So, I think for me, like they then pronounced, felt like it opened up a lot of doors to be able to dress in the way that I wanted, or grow out body hair if I wanted to grow body hair. Just kind of levels the playing field, right, it's all encompassing. The reason we decided to start using the then pronouns wasn't even limited to just our gender. It's kind of this idea of all of it in the universe is you. And if I can encompass all of that and just with one word, they them a pronoun.

But we're not ready to have that conversation on a global level, like we're still having the black and white conversation, the gender conversation. Like I feel like we have always to go to really start understanding internalized identity, right, Yeah, internalized identity and the idea of togetherness and of humanity and that we're all here together, because that is the overarching idea I think behind a lot of it. Also, this inception of this conversation has just begne really and

it has a long runway. But I think the idea of reminding people instead of you know, why are we identifying saying that that person they're black, they're white, that's a girl, that's a boy. Right when you think about it in the grander scheme of things, not as a personal affront to a person, you know, or a way of separating people, and you think, oh, you want to remind yourself about humanity, togetherness, this is all of us, we're all together, instead of the zero sum game that

we've come to understand. This country, especially right now, is very much zero sum game. First of all, how did you guys get together? How did you meet? Fifteen years ago? Playing beer pong? Real? What college? We went to Columbia College in Chicago. It was two days after I moved out to my parents house. We met, and I had just left Missouri. So I'm a couple of years older than Nico. So I was a junior going in and Nico as a freshman and we met playing beer pong.

Nico is very enthralled with me. I was kind of like whatever. But we lived in our dorm. We lived like five floors away from one another, and it was like a very magical lightning a start, very much lightning bolt, Like I was so enthralled with, like who this human was. I was raised super conservative, super religious, very little small town like always wanted to get out, but had never seen any of the world, Like, had never been to a big city. Right, Chicago is like the biggest city

I had ever seen. Now I go back to Chicago and I'm like, oh, this is cute, you know. And Nico was like this force that came in and just challenged so many of my ideas and my thoughts. And I had never really met someone that grew up as religiously as Bethany had. One of the first conversations that we had was around evolution and creationism, and day one Bethany looked at me was like, you believe in evolution? Like that was like the craziest thing in the world

that I could possibly believe in. And it wasn't this immediate challenge, but it was just like, oh wow, there's like so much that we can learn from each other. That's just like jump in. Yeah, that's sweet, and who made the first move? Bliddy because you had a boyfriend too, you were like proud, looks like you were leaving Missouri and yeah, like that ship. Yeah, that's exactly what happened. I had a boyfriend and had like a couple of

weeks and I was like, what am I doing? Called my boyfriend one night it was like we got a break up when to a party, got drunk, came back and was like pounding on Nico's door. I was convinced there was a homeless person at my friend door at four o'clock in the morning, just like on the door. Yeah. And then we had sex and then our should say anything, yeah, and then our relationship really it's it's interesting. I think like our relationship in a weird way has kind of

always been polly and it's always been unique. Like there was never really a time where we were strictly like and we're boyfriend and girlfriend. You know. We had a time when we were just like sleeping together in Chicago, and then we kind of started moving to different cities and Nico would go away for work and we were

when we were in the same city. We would live together and we never like had a breakup conversation, but we left each other many times, spent plenty of time with other people while still staying connected, and then just like our paths kept finding each other and crossing, and ultimately we decided to get married. But before we got married, we weren't really even dating. We were now living together. Weren't living together real we got married. We were living

I was in Brooklyn, you were in the city. We actually went to the jungle and uh, did I was? I was just gonna say, and that sentence goes We went to the jungle and its followed by and did I Actually every time I tell someone I did iowaka? Have you watched the Chelsea? Like? It is like like you are now synonymous with that conversation. Another notch on my bed post. So we went to the jungle and did awashka. In our journey there was like very much this,

like you too have been rooted together for lifetimes. You are supposed to start a family. Some crazy ship went down and our first jury me. We walked out of the jungle and let to each other. We're like, okay, so we're getting married. Yeah, we were married later. I had gone to the jungle the year prior, right when Trump got elected. I decided like that day, got on my phone booked a retreat, went for a week and a half. Knew that I wanted to bring Bethany. The

following year we went in one of our journeys. I kind of saw us both as these two massive trees, separate trees, roots connected underground, and there would be all of these animals and bugs and creatures that would come and spend time on these trees, and they could, you know, live there for extended periods of time. Leave. But at that our base, at our foundation, we were always together and that's kind of been this symbol for our relationship

ever since. Yeah, trees are a beautiful symbol of anything right on the subject of polyamory, because that's something else I would like to set the record straight with for my audience to understand what that means, because people are very or a judge about that that subject matter, as you well know. So take us through that. Talk to us about what it means to you and what it

means to you guys individually and as a couple. Yeah, I mean, I think we're still figuring it out you know, I think it's important to note that we don't claim expertise in any of these fields. Right, We're curious folks, just like I'm not a doctor, you guys, Yet everyone out there always wants you to be the expert whatever you're talking about. Yeah, that's not something we like to claim.

And also, I think it's important to note that, like polyamory or open relationships, non monogamy like exists different for all different people. But we date other people, you know. I mean, we've been married for four years, we've been dating other people for fifteen years. We have emotional space. It's beyond the physical. We're not just out here just

like sleeping with people on a regular basis. We both hold space for real relationships with other people, and it's something that we know that we will always do for the rest of our lives, even if it's not in action. Our polyamory is more of like a state of mind rather than a state of being. That makes sense. We just have a lot of love and we want to share. How does this delineate itself or is there a delineation between an open relationship and a polyamorous relationship? In your opinion,

I think a lot of people would say yes. I think most people think of open relationships as just sex and polyamory is like actual relationships. I personally just like the word open relationship more like we don't really subscribe to that, But I would say that's how most people would perceive those two pieces. And did you guys or do you guys, have you had to lay ground rules or and can you talk to us about that a

little bit? Yeah, I mean there were a set of rules when we first got married, I mean even just living in two separate households, like deciding we were going to get married first. I think it's important to note that, like we were both dating other people when we decided to get married, and every relationship that we had had outside of this primary wasn't even our primary relationship. And we're best friends, right, every relationship that we had had

like there was always something getting in the way. No one really understood what we meant to each other. Like at the end of the day, Bethany was always my emergency contact on any piece of paperwork, even if I was in a serious multi year relationship with somebody else. And like, that's really hard, Like I get it, that's not an easy thing for someone to wrap their head around.

So we kind of decided to get married as as not the only reason, but we thought it would make it easier dating other people as putting this this like title on this is primary relationship and this is the space that we have for other people in our lives. There were a set of ground rules, but I think they change, you know, over this this last year as

we've been trying to to make a baby. You know, it's like the priorities have shifted and where we are right this second, all of our energy is being focused on trying to create life at a time when life seems the most fragile, you know. So the rules are flex for us right now, and it's just like based in honesty and communication. And also when you have a child, there will still be inflex I mean you're going to have to figure out how you want to go about that,

right how Yeah, I want to understand. I think it takes it very special individual to have enough bandwidth to not only admit this like that they're interested in in pursuing a relationship with these kinds of understandings, but also to be okay with the other person, right you know, there are so many jealousy issues between couples and insecurity issues.

So what do you attribute your self assuredness to even come to a point like this, you know, where you can be confident in your relationship and your trust with each other while also exploring other relationships that you both desire. I mean, I think jealousy. Jealousy certainly something that I struggle with. I also have, like you know, I mean, if we're going to go like terms, I have some abandonment issues in my past. I had a dad that

died young. Usually people that have abandonment issues, jealousy is like kind of high for them, right, It's hard. So that's definitely something that takes working through. I think that polyamory for Nico and I really saved our relationship in

a lot of ways. And previously we would just kind of you know, over this course of fifteen years and the course of us drinking party, like you know, growing up in our twine, like all the stuff that happens to discovering that we were queer, and like it's simultaneously at the same time, like growing up together. Right, there was a lot of figure and shipped out and we did a lot of just cheating on each other. You know,

we would like cheat on each other. We would end up telling the other person, or the other person would find out. We realized I don't really care that much. Okay, you cheated on me. Yeah you know what. I actually cheated on you a couple of weekends ago. Okay, we're gonna move forward, all right, sure, like, let's get over this, let's move on. We were like supposed to feel angry about it, right, but neither one of us ever really term cheating is just so right, Like that's one word

we have for what you're doing in this society. I would argue, like you say, we don't have enough language, right, I argue, we have too much language. But it depends what language you're talking about. In English, you know, we have eighty five words for so many things, and yet when you cheat, there's one word for it, you know, or being unfaithful I suppose as another or an affair.

But it's a limited vocabulary and right, and so terms like polyamory are are opening up the dialogue to understand, to have a better understanding, but there's not more than

one word for that, you know. So sometimes your point is true, like there are limited words to describe something, because there is a black and white definition of things, whereas what we're all learning, or people who are really interested in deep diving are learning, and people who are spiritual are learning that it's it's all a bunch of gray.

Nobody's right, nobody's wrong. It's what your desires are, your honesty level, you know, Like the communication has got to be the most integral part of your relationship, right, and it's not fixed, right, it's like allowed to bend and shift, and a line that we've always kind of used, like it's it's hard to break something that bends, you know,

and we've always just we were benders, you know. I think in this time where we were, you know, cheating or kind of hurting each other polyamory, like this idea, it was like it saved us. I mean, it really made it almost it made it more ethical. It opened up communication and opened up a space to talk about what we really wanted, what we needed. So I think being able to define our relationship with us in our marriage really took us to a different place in a

really healthy and positive way. I mean, I just think our vocabulary and understanding of the world was very limited, right, when we first started dating each other, and the more we learned about ourselves and our queerness, we gained just more language for who we are and we're in the world.

And I think over the last couple of years, as the world has kind of like falling apart and getting put back together, like even that language is continuing to change, and we're just like trying to stay with the times on a public level and also like on a private level.

And do you feel, to both of you feel, since you are public and out about this, and since it's a subject matter that is still considered taboo to an extent, do you feel the burden of having to kind of be out there and like front and center talking about it, do you feel a responseless sense of responsibility? I do, and I hate it. I mean, I am constantly battling how public versus how private do I want to be with my life. I think that you have an easier

time with it. But for me, like I'm a people pleaser, I don't love negative you know, negative critiques, Like that's something I definitely have to work on. And you know, people have a lot to say. Is We've been trying to start a family and I have been somewhat vull gool about that. You know, you get comments from people that are like, you two shouldn't have a family, you know,

and it shouldn't hurt, but it does. And so I think that I'm constantly battling where do I straddle this line, and like how much do I want to talk about it? How much do I want to go into it, and how much do we just want to keep to ourselves. Yeah, yeah, I think that's I think a lot of people struggle

with that regardless. Right, So you add something else to the mix, another conversation starter and you know, thought provoking term and way of life, and then it adds you know, that adds another tenfold to the mix of how private or social anyone in the public eye is. I feel like as we sit on this podcast, which as we for our one five million listeners, I don't know, guys, I think I just want to keep it private. So this is a good time to come out as a

private couple. So much part of your job how you speak to yourself. I mean that's like kind of what you do in the world. Yes, absolutely, it's so I have a workout that become project all centered around body neutrality, movement to feel good, and a lot of it is how we talk about ourselves, how we talk about our body um, and how we get to a more neutral

ground within ourselves. And I think that's something as both of us being extremist, right, having this pendulum that swings from one end all the way to the other and has to go big. It's like, with everything, how do we get that to kind of it's always going to move, but how do we get that pendulum to sort of sit a little bit more in the middle and be

able to feel neutral about something. Empathy, you know, for the whole spectrum, no matter which one we're speaking to, you know, yeah, absolutely, instead of judging other people that are doing something differently than you, to empathize and have compassion that that's another human being that's making different choices.

And the judgment factor comes in so hot and heavy for so many people, myself included, for so long, you know, so judging and it's like you're sitting there and you hate people who are judging, and then you the reason you hate that so much is because you're practicing it yourself. But anyway, this is a perfect opportunity. We have a lot of people that call in about this subject matter.

So we're going to take some callers and we're gonna give them some feedback about their own situations and answer some questions for some people. Right, Catherine, we love a question, We sure will, and we're gonna take a quick break, but we'll be back with callers. So our first email comes from Ryan. This dovetails perfectly with what you guys

were talking about with an open relationship. Ryan says, Dear Chelsea, my husband and I are two gay men in our thirties together almost ten years, and we have newly opened our relationship quick background. This has been a stated goal of his for years, but I was hesitant. There was a history of infidelity on his part that we moved past with counseling. Now we're in a good place and we made the decision to allow each other sex with other people. I'm over happy about this, but I'm struggling

with the specifics since it's still new. We have set rules and boundaries, but I'm still deciding what would be a deal breaker. My question is, how do I know if he'll respect my wishes or if it's the boundary stepping aspect that he really likes if the latter, the rules we set can always be broken. Second, how do I handle hypocritical thoughts I can do something I don't want him to do? And Third, we have a couple's therapist we still see, but she's not as up to

date on non monogamous relationship structures. Should we switch? Sincerely? Ryan? Well, I'll jump in first just to say yes, you should switch therapists. You need somebody who is familiar with this conversation topic and not somebody who's getting to know this. So many people are so far behind this that you

need somebody. You need that tool, like you're already seeing somebody put it towards somebody who is well versed in the subject matter, and that can only help you to accomplish, you know, a state of being that you're both really comfortable in. Wy, don't you guys jump in with what you think off the top of your heads. Well, I was just going to say this idea of what is a deal breaker? Right, Like I think that's kind of

a scary way to think about it. Like if you draw such a hard line in the sand, and like he's going to cross that line, it's game over, right, you're just putting your both of yourselves in a box and setting yourself up failure. So I wouldn't think about it necessarily like that. I would just try to be as honest and open with each other about your desires and keep everything on the table, Like if you're going into this, it takes work. This is not something that

you can just do willy nilly and like hope it works. Right, Like this is commitment, right, and like you will get closer because of it. You have to be I agree with everything that you said. And also when you were speaking about I can do something that he can't do something right, and I think it's important to note, like

you all don't have to experience it the same. You don't have to have like maybe they're are things that I can do that Nico doesn't care, but I care if Nico does them, you know, And we're really honest about that, And I think that that's okay, Like it doesn't have to be even because you're both individuals, so what works for each of you may be different, and

that's okay, and that should also be respected. You have to make different sacrifices for each other, right, because we're different people, right, And you also want to set yourself up for success. So before you go into this, you want to create all of those boundaries that are acceptable for both of you so that you can find an area where you both agree and how you're going to operate.

Because if you're saying, oh, if he does whatever, the unthinkable so to speak, there's no turning back, Like Nico was saying, like, you have to set this up so that you're both going to come back together no matter what. So nobody ever is going to do the unthinkable or the unspeakable. And I think as you start to have these conversations, you understand, you know, sometimes what we think is unacceptable is our idea of that. It's not the

actual reality of that. And you may not even you know, want to part anticipate, or he may not even want to participate in the way that you're so worried about, you know, with another partner, or but you laying it all on the table is only going to help your communication, it's only going to bring you closer together, it's only

going to create more intimacy. So it's a huge growth opportunity. Again, it's a huge opportunity to learn about respecting your partner and about respecting yourself right, and I think, like, you know, going off of that, the idea of really staying in the present, Like you can write things down on paper, you can have ideas of what it should be, but the other partner that your partner is engaging with, I think oftentimes can change the way it feels. And it's

so situational. You know, there's ryan you mentioned that there was like some infidelity in the past, so there are probably very certain things that can really trigger you and like set you off because that's you know, that trauma is being touched on. But letting it happen in the present and like assessing each situation and determining how it makes you feel in talking about it, I think can be helpful than sort of getting stuck on on these

hard fast rules. Yeah, and the past, and that's you know, getting stuck on the past is also you're not operating in the best interest of yourself because what was infidelity before may not under these parameters register as infidelity. So you're opening your your broadening your horizons, You're becoming more open minded about this relationship, and with that your partner will likely do the same. So I hope that helps I think we answered a couple of his questions with

some advice from all of us, right, good luck? Yeah, yeah, and Ryan follow up with us, let us know what happens, what transpires, you know, YadA YadA, YadA, Yeah and good luck. What was the book that you reference when we had that call? Oh? Sure, The Ethical Slut was one that I recommended. Kind of just tells you how to have those conversations and ad just expectations. And the other thing is like, it sounds like he's not going to be

in the room while these acts transpires. So I think it's really a trust builder to be venturing into this and have some threesomes and some trustful have a trustful do you guys have a trust fall and then follow it up with a three something at the same time. This kind of looks this camera looks like we're having a three somewhere. I got kicked to the end of the bed. Do you see like I'm just over here just out. Do you want to scooch a little bit? This studio is at one hot, so we're doing the

best that we can. Uh. Well, Our next question comes from a very sweet collar with my new favorite name. His name is Brandon Cantelope. He's from Canada. I know, like, how charming is that? And he's a Sweetie'll see, he's twenty one, he is in Canada and he just graduated. He wants to be work working in fashion, fashion business, so he says, Dear Chelsea, I'm twenty one years old from Canada and I'm currently feeling very unfulfilled in life. I grew up in a small city in b C's interior.

I decided after graduating high school, i'd moved to Vancouver for post secondary. I have since graduated school and moved back to my hometown. The move back was because I decided Vancouver wasn't a perfect fit for me. However, there's nowhere in Canada that I feel is. After a trip to the UK a month ago, I decided London would be a perfect match for both my personality and my career. However, I'm having a hard time deciding whether I move that big is really worth it and if it would truly

make me happy. On top of this, I feel as though I would miss my family and friends incredibly. Brandon, Oh well, Brandon, I'm just going to go out and say go for it. Oh you're there, You're even better. Look at you. I didn't know cancel Up was a real last name. Yeah, I know, I was telling me about him. Like, as far as I know, I'm pretty sure our family is the only one with it that

I know of anyways, So I don't know. Maybe someone's going to hear this podcast, like, hey, how about too, But as as far as I know that, I think we're the only one you need to find a honey dew for. Do you think you can do that before the end of this call? I have no idea. I'll try my us well, Brandon, I would say that it is always a I'm gonna always just say to take a leap of faith and get the hell out of

a small town and open your eyes. And you know, it doesn't have to be the UK, but like, if you had a good feeling about that, there's no reason it shouldn't be. I'm of the belief that you should always be expanding your horizons. And you know, you may not feel like your world is narrow, but once you get outside of it, you're going to realize how much

there is to see. And it doesn't mean that you won't eventually go back there one day, but you should use your youth and this time to explore and understand the way the world is and how many different sorts of people are out there for you to get to know. Yeah, I have some situationally. I grew up in a really small town. I always wanted to go to a big city. When I was twenty, started moving. I moved to Chicago, and moved to Los Angeles, and I moved to Dallas,

and I finally landed in New York. And when I was, you know, younger and and moving and at a similar age to you, all of my family like everyone would look at me like what are you doing, Like you're not. You gotta you gotta get in one place. You have to get your job figured out. You've just settle. And the best thing that I ever did for myself in my early twenties was like, go explore, find different cities,

find the one that connects with me. And now I have great connections and all of those places that is hand down further my career. So I am super on bored with you moving and home never went anywhere. You know, you can always go home friends. I guess that's how

I felt when I moved to Vancouver. The reason I was there right, and then um, it was a great experience, but I felt like it was really like as far as Canada goes like the not Alogue goes on in Canada, it's like as far as like for us, Vancouver is like, oh my god, like it's such a big city, but it's like if you look at that the world stage,

it's like not at all. So like I was there and I felt it was very I didn't feel like there's like a huge room for progress or at least leave some bounds that I always like thanks, So I said, well, I want to get there, Like it's definitely not just London that I would be like, I totally down to live in. It's more so just I've always had that connection and be like, oh, I think I would really

like it there. And then obviously I was just there in October I went for a trip to see some family over there, and then I was like, you know what, yeah, I should just move here. But then since being back now I'm like, oh my god, I don't know do I really want to leave everything? That's fear and you just said gave another great reason to try it out in the UK because you have family there, like that's

a great like kind of insurance policy. You know, to move somewhere you already have a connection with that place. You are never going to look back at this time in your life after making a leap of faith like that and be like, I wish I hadn't done that. You're never anyone who stays if you came back and you're like, oh, I'm scared. You know, my family's here. That's all fear, that's all you're like ego going no, no no, no,

you have something good here, this is steady. You will regret this because you're talking about making taking a leap that if you don't do it, you're always going to look back at this time and go, God, I wish I did something. I wish I had tried London. I mean, London is a fucking awesome town. Who's going to of there and have a bad time? You know for real? Yeah, especially since you got the fields when you were there.

Like the fact that you have a connection. I like fully believe in city connections and location connections, you know, Like I feel that with New York. I moved to l A when I was nineteen years old, and I never, ever, one day ever looked back and thought, ship, maybe I shouldn't have done that. I knew in my gut that I had a connection to l A that I needed to go, that was where I needed to be, and I just never had a doubt in my mind. And so I think you should always listen to your instincts.

You know, sometimes we want to play that game and be like, well, Dada and the pros and the cons. It's like your instinct is the most important valuable thing into it, like intuitiveness that you can have, and the most important relationship you can have with yourself is your instinct. So trust it. Yeah, definitely, I mean I do know for a fact, like regardless of what happens, I'm moving comes sprinks and like I cannot be here any longer.

Like I really feel like, oh my god, like I should be doing something right now because like while I'm home, although it's like comfortable and obviously I have all my friends and found I grew up here, I also feel like I'm not progressing in any way professionally or like even personally, like I have like my connections and I'm not like gaining any more connections while being here, Like I just have what I've always had, so I definitely now I'm getting that headsets. I'm like, oh my god,

Like what am I doing? Like I'm literally spending months here and I'm accomplishing nothing. I will say, you can do and create wherever you are in the world, you know, I mean that is not limited to to space and and so like as as a creator, as an artist, right, like you should be doing stuff all the time if it feels right wherever you are. Yeah, and I have

been trying to do that. But wherever you move there you are like you are going, you are going to still be there, So find those things in your own body and space first and bring them with you wherever you go. Yeah, I mean it definitely has helped because I think, like you always talk to your family like yeah, I don't go too far and then but like it's nice like talk to you know other people that like I guess, but planes are plans are only good faster.

And also your relationship with your family improves once you get the funk away from that. Everybody gets closer when there's some distance. I have a very tight knit family and that works because I left and we are very strong. We spend all of our holidays together, we spend our summer together. We are inseparable because you know, distance doesn't doesn't create more space in that sense, you know what

I mean. That's a physical thing, you know, so that could even strengthen the bonds with your family being away from them. Yeah, no, I definitely agree with that. Like I think, I definitely got a lot closer to like my brother for example, when I went moved to Vancouver, like when we were living in the same house, you know,

growing up with brothers. How it is Spence moving to Vancouver, and now that I'm in back, it's kind of like stilled in the same But yeah, when I moved away and we actually got like pret to be able to talk and actually have a conversation. So I definitely really in that until we agree with that. So I guess it's not so much like about that in the connection of think it's more so just like I think, it's

also the phone. Oh you know, like oh my god, I'm gonna miss out onto me or what happens if I can't get this off work and I can't go home to that event or whatever. But think about what you're missing in London exactly. Yeah, it sounds like you already made up your mind anyway. You just need to swift kick in the ass, and that's what we're here for, London. Keep us posted as to what you do and when you do it. Okay, Yeah, we love we love updates.

I'm excited for you. I love when people make big moves. I think that it opens up so many doors and pushes you into new places. I think it's such an incredible growth experience. So I'm very very excited for you. Also, maybe try telling people that you're moving to London, even if you don't have a timeline. See how it feels. And as you start to hear people be like, oh you're moving to London. Oh my gosh. You'll feel whether it feels like right or wrong, and then we'll start

to get very excite. You have to start saying it in an English accent when you start talking. Can you do that? Yeah? I mean every time I do. Like you know, sometimes like you just stoke around your talk like in an accent, and everyone's like, you need to stop right now. You're so bad of that. Okay. I have told some people that I have been like, yeah, no, I'm playing a moving to London and everyone's always like, oh, that's so cool. So, I mean I have kind of

done that as well. But I definitely think that did help, because like when you solidify it in your mind or at least like solidifying it and the sake of this person believe I'm going there, which means like I'm already one step closest to actually going because like people think I am, you know, so I definitely, I definitely believe and I definitely agree with that for sure. Well, thank you for calling in, and good luck with everything, and yeah,

get that move going, put it into motion. Well, thank you so much. I know absolutely I will keep you posted. I'll let you know. I'll get to the date when I'm piecing out. Thank you. I I just realized my antipsychotics. I don't want to lose my ship with the name like Candlop, does it. I mean, Brandon, you got Candle up for good. Yeah, he was burying the lead. He should just go as Candle Candle, he's got to move to London has changed his name to Candlop. Well, our

next question comes from our h Restoration Hardware. The outlet in they say, dear Chelsea, I'm thirty five years old and the youngest of four. My siblings all have kids of their own, and I'm the only one without them. My husband and I have been together for ten years and can't seem to fully commit to deciding to try to have our own kids or not. When I'm with my family, I sometimes feel not as included or seen.

I know that's not enough of a reason to have kids, but we're struggling deciding if having kids is for us or not. How did you decide what you wanted and what tips do you have for me our age? Well, I would say that if you're on the fence about having children, the answer is probably not to have children. I think if you want to have children, it's something that you are really you should be really sure about.

You know, you're bringing that's a huge responsibility. You're bringing a whole other person into this world, and you should be a hundred and fifty percent sure. You shouldn't be vacillating back and forth, and you certainly obviously should not do that for anyone else's feelings about your relationship or your merit within your family. I would argue that that's a youth thing and that you you should try and work hard to get past that about your family not

taking you guys seriously because you don't have children. I think that's something that you kind of have to own and you know, and be vociferous about. You know, like, once you make your decision about whether or not to have children, if it's not to move forward you the reasons will be solid for not doing that, you know what I mean. You can't be shamed or you know, felts left out as the reason behind having a child. That's not something that to hang your hat on either.

You guys are trying right now for a child, so you can speak to this. We've all, I mean, I've always wanted to be a parent, We've always wanted to have kids. I'm also thirty five and the youngest of four and I have thirteen nieces and nephews, so I totally get the idea of like having more merit. I mean, I definitely gained more merit in my family when I got married. That was like a game change to a man specifically, and we're so happy I didn't end up with the one I love. I love them, I love them.

There were so much better than we've ever been. But I do really understand that feeling. And I will say that I imagine you being the person who has a uterus, being thirty five, you're probably feeling a lot of that society pressure. That's like, if you're going to do it,

you have to do it now. I know that as we've been struggling with getting pregnant for the last year, that is like this constant piece sets on my mind, even though I know thirty five is not that old, but like, if you look online, it's a fucking geriatric pregnancy, Like it is language, Like it's so wild the way that you're made to feel at this time, and like making a decision because you feel pressured, just like Chelsea said,

is not the way you want to go. But if you wanted some more security, you know, maybe freezing eggs or freezing embryos or doing something along those lines could help you feel more secure in the idea that you personally know you need to wait, but you don't always know if you're going to need to wait, and maybe something like that, whether or not you ever use them,

could feel like you're buying yourself a little more time. Yeah, that's a good idea, that's I mean, you know, if you're willing to go through that process, then then then that's a definite great option for you. But it definitely is a process. It's not a process that I've been through. And now you know, we're we're doing I U I

s NOW, which is like the step before IVF. I'm tear if I'd have to even think about doing IVF great egg retrieval, the hormones, Like I've never even taken birth control, Like I hate this ship, you know, but there is a world where like having these embryo safe could set us up for multiple children in the future. I don't know, It's like a game you have to play, but I think it's definitely worth having the conversation and kind of sessing out options if if that you know,

feels right for you, which it may not right. I have a question for Chelsea actually on this subject, on this subject perfect, do you ever feel like, I know that you're in love currently that potentially your future could be different than the one that it is now with with kids. No, I'm very steadfast about I mean, I told him the other day I was pregnant, just to see what his reaction was, and he was just looking at me, like, because Joe is the type of guy

that would be open to whatever. If I said that, yeah, I'm down, he'd be down. I'm not down, though, And I know I'm not down because it's just like a fanciful idea, you know what I mean. It's only because I love him that I would even think of it. But I'm not down for it. I'm not down for raising a child. I'm not down for having to put a person in the world and be responsible for them.

I I mean, as a childless person. I would also say to you, as somebody who has siblings, I get to be the best aunt that I could ever be, mostly because I don't have children. You know. I get to shower attention onto a families that I'll never even meet. I get to give money to people in need all the time because it's not being used up for my own purposes in my own family. So there are real upsides to making that decision, you know, if that's where

you go. And also, I'm very present and all of my nieces and nephew's life, and I take a lot of pride in being like that aunt that is going to be there, that is going to provide for them, that's going to have those conversations with them that are they're not going to have with their parents. And so there are a lot of upsides to having that role

in your family as well. And I've never in my family and not felt like I was part of my family because I'm kind of like the center of attention of my family, and I forced us all to be together all the time. You know, I'm the ringleader. So I don't have, you know, that same thing where I feel, oh, my brothers and sisters have kids, I feel left out. But I would argue that as a state of mind. You know, it's a state of your own being, you know,

because you do still have plenty to offer. Children don't define you, you know, you define you. So anyway, that's our advice. I mean, I think that's full bodied. We've got a couple of different perspectives here, a few, I should say, so let us know how that goes. Thank you for writing in. And yeah, if you're thinking about possibly getting some eggs fertilized and going down that route,

that's a great avenue too. Until you make a real decision, until you're really solid on one side or the other of the issue, check your insurance first before you do that though, che let's talk about this SAG after A does not cover infertility. A surprise, What a surprise. I mean, I'm ready for a lawsuit. Well, I mean, and that's going to have to change in the near future. But every system is antiquated, Every health system is antiquated. I mean women are you know what I mean health care

for women. I mean, look where we are in this country. It's it's not surprising, unfortunately, it's just everything. Everything needs a major fucking update and people need to get with the program. But instead we're sitting here having to fight abortion rights that you know from fifty years ago, instead of being able to tackle real issues like what you're describing. You know, ironically, Republicans want to force women to have children,

but they won't do anything about infertility. They won't do anything about women that want to have children. I can't. So there you go the irony and the hypocrisy at play every single day in this country. And on that note, we're all going to commit suicide. This has turned into a Christmas usid just just crying in the corner. Excuse me, Well, while you're all doing that, we'll take a quick ad break and be right back O Hey, and we're back. Nico and Bethany, do you have a piece of advice

that you'd like from Chelsea? I have a piece of advice because I mean, I've watched you over the years in many different phases of your career, and what I've always loved about you is that it seems to me anyway, like you don't give a funk. And I kind of mentioned this earlier, and I think giving a funk is something that often gets in my way. Kind of a simple question, but any advice for like tossing off the

other voices? Yeah, I mean, I think it's something that you put into practice and it gets easier and easier as you go on. You know, not giving a funk is like an actual practice. It's like meditation, you know, when you're doing the work on yourself and you're constantly paying attention and you have yourself awareness in check, it makes it a lot easier to not give a fuck. Before it was like it was more flagrant for me when I was younger. I didn't give a funk because

I was arrogant. Now I don't give a funk because I know I've done the work and I'm solid, like I'm not worried about any of my behavior or you know, offending people in in small situation. I'm not worried about not making small talk with somebody and that hurting their feelings. I don't have any of that anymore because I understand it's not my job to make everyone feel good. It's not my job to make everyone feel comfortable. And if people really have a problem with me, then they have

a bigger problem with themselves. And that really is all you have to remember. Like if anyone is sitting there on Instagram commenting on your page about how much they dislike you, think about what's going on in that person's life, right, Absolutely never in my entire existence have I ever commented seriously like my male comic friends I will work with them, would be like Kevin Hart's page and be like, you know, nobody thinks you're a good actor, but that's because we're

good friends. And I take it back because his latest movie or a series, true story, he could do some good acting. So and I wrote that on his Instagram page too. But as attacking as I've been in my life or as you know, giving people unsolicited advice and going off on people who I thought were fucking idiots. I would never spend my time tearing somebody down in that way. So that's all you need to know. You know, anybody who has a strong opinion of you that's negative

is really none of your business. I think, you know, logically, that's a train of thought. So I am in the practicing phase. It's better than it used to be. I've also like taken some tangible steps to maybe like not read every single DM, Like I don't need to read these d ms that are coming in. Maybe I don't need notifications on my phone, or like maybe there's some places where I can kind of tune out. And I think, like logically, I know, but there's definitely an emotional part

of me. And I'm also like a teacher and a trainer and I work with people's body, so like caring about how other people feel is like built into who I am. And I think there's like a place where, like, how do I still find ways to be compassionate and have this part of me that is like vulnerable and sweet and that I love and also like put up the walls to protect myself at the same time, And I think that's a balance. Well, even on your Instagram page.

It's called the become project. Even on your Instagram and not pay itself, right, you have to look at what you're representing on that page and embody it. Right. You're helping people to be in touch with their feelings about themselves, not to be in touch with their feelings about you. Right. So when you need sometimes to remind yourself of who

you are, I do this a lot. I'm like, if I go down insecure road or I think about something somebody wrote or said about me, it only takes me a minute to remind myself of who I am and what I stand for. And for you, I would say to go to your page and look at what you've created, and look at what you stand for, and look at what you're trying to extol, right, And that's your reminder of who you are, getting back into that center. Yeah, we all just need to remind ourselves who we are.

You know, none of us are good or bad, or you know we do bad things or we do good things. And and once your ship is steady and you're moving along and you're conscious and aware of the world around you, your purpose and your gift is to make other people feel that way, right, so you've always got to kind of remind yourself that, hey, this is me, this is what I represent, and this is all I have to worry about, you know, and you're always becoming. Right. It's

not called the Come Project. It's like that's a separate project that I'm working out that's going to be released. It's actually called it comes Upster. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, and don't try to get that. I have come to dobster dot com taken Joe bought it from me for Christmas. Even that's how you got pregnant the third time. Good, good stuff. Thank you guys so much for coming. What a delight, this is so happy to meet you. Yeah, that was fun. I can't wait to hear that you're

pregnant and you guys are expecting a baby. It's going to happen. Yeah, absolutely, yeah, and good luck with everything. Thank you so much. Nice to meet you guys, appreciate Thank you, Catherine, and thank you guys for listening. We will see you or you will hear us and possibly see us next week. Chelsea, do you have some upcoming show dates that you want to tell people about? Oh

my god, always, February second and third are my Seattle knows. Oh. Also we added Philly, so come to Philly or Honolulu or Kauai or no Maui ship who knows. So we have added second shows to a lot of markets, but those are the immediate dates coming up. Anyway, does that answer your question, Katherine? It absolutely does. Great. Well, that's all we have for today's episode. Okay, well that was a definite therapy session. We will see you next week, guys.

Right bye, right, And if you have a question, or you and a loved one have a question, please write into Dear Chelsea Project at gmail dot com.