On Purpose with Jay Shetty

that packeded your life? And how do you think our industry works with like benefiting from the work that you do.

with it, which I really really love. I think that what I've found is there are far more people who also want to use their platform for a higher purpose and may just not know how. And a lot of people kind of found themselves into these very influential, pivotal positions, and a lot of people will say I want to do something purposeful, I want to do something meaningful. I just don't know how to do that. I don't know what that looks like because this is what my life

has looked like for the past few decades. And so I find that there is quite an earnest, genuine desire to want to do good things and want to make a change, but not necessarily know what the vehicle for

that is. And that's a really interesting conversation. And I think the other side of it is, I mean, how it's impacted my life is it's also challenged me to be really clear about what am I pursuing and what am I building, And so it's almost been a challenge for me in a healthy sense of being really clear about my purpose. I'm reminded of how valuable it is. I'll tell you a story. I remember talking to my monk teacher, who's been a monk for the last four decades.

He's seventy five years old, and when I first moved to La, he said, you've got to be really cautious because you're moving to the capital of illusion. Those were his words. And I was really excited to move to LA and me and my wife loved LA and we were really looking forward to it, and we just love the sunshine and the nature. And I said to him, I'm working with a couple of people. I mentioned to him, and he had no idea who they were because he hasn't what TV or movies in like, you know, decades.

And he said to me, he said, you're so lucky that you get to coach them on all your future challenges. And I love that statement because it was this really beautiful way of reminding me that my life would not be free of those challenges and issues and you know, dichotomies. And I think that that connection has always kept me focused on making sure that I keep doing the work while I'm trying to help people do the work, And

so it's been a beautiful constant reminder as well. I don't know if that makes sense.

how they're created. You start to recognize how everyone looks at their set of problems as really difficult and really challenging, even if for you it'd be a walk in the park. And so it's really fascinating expanding your radius of compassion because you start to be able to take on more understand people more. And I think that's what I'm excited about, is I get to travel across the world and work with people from all different backgrounds and all different walks

of life. It's not just Hollywood. And to me, when I get to see people in different spaces and places, it kind of just allows me to recognize how much I don't understand about the human condition, how much more there still is to learn, how judgmental I can be, how critical I can be, how small minded I can be.

And I love challenging all of that because I think it's really easy to think, oh, I have all the answers and I have the solutions, and then actually, when you start working with more people, you realize you don't. And the most human thing you know to do is to sit with someone and hold their hands and look into their eyes and just be present with them. And then you start realizing that that is the realist thing that people need and the truest wisdom. So it's like

this counterintuitive idea of that. I mean, we've heard this for ages, but it's true. The more you know, the more you realize you don't know, and how much more there is to learn.

when they're having a temper tantrum. You don't scream and yell at them. That doesn't get results. You have to sit there and be patient and love them up. You know, I don't this whole punishment and argument arguing like that doesn't lead anywhere. It's just like this air. It's like hot air that goes nowhere.

pledge for love? Whatever behavior you see from someone, whether it's anger, whether it's frustration, whether it's judgment, whether it's criticism, whether it's fear, it's them asking for love in some way. And I think we see it in children the most. Where when a child's throwing a tantrum or on the floor, like crying and bashing their feet and hands, they're simply asking for presence, love and connection. That's what they're looking for.

And I think we're all just big children who are still asking for love, still seeking that approval, still wanting that connection and that embrace. And the sad thing is we don't get it. And because we don't get it, well you retaliate even further. So I love what you said.

And that's what I try and always imagine is when I sit with someone and I look at them, I try to look at them as the child that was neglected, mistreated, lost, confused, stuck, because that allows me to have the compassion for them that I might not have now that you assume they're an adult. As soon as you assume someone's an adult, you assume they should have certain behavior as manners, traits.

As soon as you recognize, well, they're just a kid in an adult's body, you start thinking differently about problems and challenges. So that always helps me for sure.

It's just like a psych you know, a cyclical behavior. And like, I have something somebody in my life that I struggle with because I'm like, I can't help you anymore, Like I don't know what to do and I I honestly don't have the bandwidth. And it's not that I don't love you. I do, but I don't know how to help you move towards what you think you want. You know what I mean, And so how do you handle those people who just kind of keep hitting a wall?

At an age where like I went to therapy, I learned my I got my shit together, and I made huge improvements. So I don't I want to be a spiritual narcissist and say I'm better than anyone. But I did the work I learned, I absorbed it, and then my output is different. So when someone can't get that ball rolling, how would you handle that?

and grand aspirations but still fell short. And I know in my spiritual journey it was plenty cyclical and plenty two steps forward three steps back, and that allows me to have an expansion of my compassion again and empathy to be like, actually, when I was on that transition and that journey, that's exactly what it looked like for me. I just forgot it because I'm somewhat on the other

side now and I've got better at those habits. So that definitely is what avoids being as spiritual narcissists, because you know, I think that's such an important part. The second part is this, I really look at it. If I don't have a professional relationship with someone, I try not to force accountability on them. I look at my relationship as being one of patients, of being one of encouragement, of being one of support. And what I've found is

that those people who aren't accountable, who are cyclical. There's this amazing meme I saw the other day and I loved it, and on the top it had five water cups and they were all perfectly filled at the same level, so they were all half full, and it said, this is not consistency. And on the second tier it had one water cup that was full, one that was little, one that was half, one that was three quarters, one that was a quarter, and it said, this is what

consistency looks like. And I thought to myself, that's so true. We think consistency is I worked out five days a week, every day, every week of the year, fifty two weeks of year. And the truth is, for all of us who work out or try and stay healthy, it's like this week, I've worked out five days a week. Next week I might do three. The next week I might do seven, The next week I might do four. And so I think recognizing that consistency on a machine looks perfect,

but consistency and accountability on a human looks sporadic. And then the third thing when it comes to you feeling exhausted, and by the way I relate to you, I have friends who have given the same piece of advice to for seven years, and after seven years, I have stopped giving that advice because I realized that it is wasted because that advice is not changing their life and they don't have the capacity, the emotional availability, or the intention

to change, or the attraction to change. And again, I focus on what I can control. I've realized that often I was giving that advice because it sounded right, but they didn't really ask for it, they didn't really want it. They never told me they were accountable, And so I've started. I've stopped giving unsolicited advice unless someone tells me, Jay, I am accountable to you for thirty days, tell me what to do and I will do it. Unless someone says that to me and commits that way, I just

keep it as a casual friendship. I'm happy for them to have the same problems. Of course, I may not talk to them as often, and I'm okay with the fact that my life's going to move on, because I don't want to take on keeping you accountable when you haven't committed to that, And I think that's on us to make sure that we create that clarification.

the name of being a bigger person, like not just cutting off relationships because someone voted for the person that you didn't want to win. But how do you advise people to handle this in the times we're living in because it is really obviously divisive and really scary for all of us.

is that's what we actually need. On the other hand, every time the topic comes up, someone's fuse flips, someone starts being derogatory, someone starts being combative, someone starts being judgmental, someone starts being a debater, and no one wants to have a professional and unprofessional debate at the dining table. And so I think the challenge is that's what we're dealing with. We've lost the ability to have healthy conversations

where we have disagreements. There's a beautiful statement that I love from f Scott Fitzgerald where he said that the sign of a first rate intelligence is the ability to hold two ideas, two opposing ideas, at the same time, and still retain the ability to function. So the fact that you could actually hold two ideas that are completely opposite, that's actually what he calls a first rate intelligence. I

think we've lost that completely. And the second part he says to that statement, which I love, is he says one should therefore be able to see that everything is hopeless, but be determined to make it otherwise. In other words, you also able to hold the idea that the world isn't a mess. It's chaotic, it gets crazy, this is insane, and we can still do something about it. And so I think now we've got very good at picking aside,

even in hope. So you're either hopeless, the world's a mess, it's all over, or you're full of hope and optimistic. But we don't need either of them. We need to lean into the dark as much as the light in order to actually deal with the darkness. And so what I would suggest is, if you don't have someone in your life who's willing to open up and have that conversation, sadly,

that is a disconnect. It is someone you have to distance from and it's not worth engaging because it's just going to create more turmoil, more stress, more ignorance, and more pain in both of your lives. And that's just the real that's just the truth. I wish it wasn't that, but it is that. On the other hand, I would encourage the individual to find those people they can have those conversations with, because that's just healthy for us as humans.

Because guess what, when you wake up, you may be in a really positive mood, but it starts raining outside. That's what life is. Accepting that you can be in a positive mood and it can be raining outside at the same time. That's what we're trying to get to. We're not trying to get into a positive mood all the time, and we're not trying to be negative all the time. We're trying to accept that I can see both these things coexist, and I'm going to coexist in

reality with them. And so I think sadly the reality is that a lot of people can't talk to the people in their life because that person will turn it into an argument and a debate, not a healthy disagreement. But I would challenge each person listening to say, can you be that person to have healthy conversations, to see other sides, to see other opinions without making it a debate, because that's the kind of world we need to live in.

you recognize you can hold space for it. And finally, you can actually find a way to even thrive in environments that originally used to drain you. And that's what spiritual growth is. Spiritual growth is not running away from painful places. Spiritual growth is strengthening yourself so much that something that used to drain you now challenges you and

now actually helps you thrive. In the Geeta, which is the ancient text of India around five thousand years old, the language that's used when translated from Sanskrit is relishing the battle. This idea that you relish the battle because you recognize the battle makes you more alert, The battle makes you more conscious, the battle makes you more present.

It's the old adage from Buddhism that says better to be a warrior in a garden than a gardener in a war, and that idea that it's always good to train like a warrior to be able to be able to battle or when you need to, but live in a peaceful garden. Then it is to be a gardener in a war who doesn't know how to deal with that stress and pressure. And so I love to remind people that spiritual growth is strengthening yourself to the point that what used to drain you now actually helps you thrive.

She has a significant other and plans on moving eventually when the right opportunity presents itself, hopefully soon. Meanwhile, our son, who is on the autism spectrum, is working a part time job about twenty hours a week maximum and has absolutely no plan to try and better himself, forget any kind of schooling training, even though it has all been

offered to him countless times. We've tried our best to encourage him his whole life and have given him all the tools he needs to launch himself into adulthood, but he simply refuses. We've set boundaries for behaviors and expectations in regards to his computer gaming, and taught him how to look after himself and the pets in the house when we sometimes travel, but we worry that everything we've given him, why would he ever want to leave? Is

it cruel to want him out of the house. There seem to be lots of state programs for people who fall on different places on the spectrum than him, but he doesn't want to explore anything past his current situation. He's just stuck and we don't know what to do to move him forward. Any suggestions, Michelle oh.

is he aware of what it's going to take. And it sounds like he is, and as you both just said, he seems very comfortable where he is, and so he has no need And I think when I see people in that situation, sadly, what really helps someone move is recognizing that what is comfortable for them right now isn't going to sustain and that actually allows people to build independence.

And as you said, he has the right support. It's not like you're you know, it seems like he's surrounded by a really great support system, which is so important in this scenario. I would encourage you to find ways

to do it in smaller doses. Is there the ability for you to travel where he's spending a day on his own with support of course, a weekend on his own at home, even at the house on his own, right, so he's not moving out yet, how do you kind of get into that middle ground where he's starting to learn to take care of himself in small doses, whether it's a weekend, a week whatever that may be. So he starts to recognize A he gets confidence that he can do it, and b he loses the comfort that

he gets to fall back on with you. And I think that is what we're really looking at. It's a confidence and comfort place. And of course we want him to be supported, we want him to be surrounded, making sure that he's not, you know, in a position that would compromise him or cause discomfort to an extreme sense. But at the same time, I think it's doing that. You need to go and travel, you need to go and live your life. You need to go and you know it sounds like you want to go and experience

things and have more freedom for yourself. I think that has to happen first in order to help him recognize that this isn't a sustainable long term position for him, and for him to have to build the tools and rather than going through the big leap and the big jump of having his own place, having an apartment, whatever that may mean for him, it's starting to do that at home. And I think if he starts to see that and starts to recognize that you're living your life.

He'll then get the conscious independence to go and do the same.

to travel, so I'm grateful for that. It's just the point of moving him to the next step to get him confident enough to and also have the income to support it as well, which is a challenge because he is working a part time position and I don't know that We're going to have to lean into something that's a little bit more sustainable.

is not what you're suggesting anyway. But to actually give him some agency in his own future so that he can also work with you, Like I we're going to all sit together and figure out how we're going to move forward and what our timeframe is, what you want to do, you know, how you're going to do this.

You're going to have to move out at some point, so let's figure out what the plan is to get you in a space, in a spot where you are taken care of and you're making enough money to support yourself, and let him be a part of that process, of course. And also when you go away the next time, you know, maybe make sure your daughter does give him more of the responsibility so that he can't depend on her and

that she's not like insurance. You know, let him have like two days where he's doing everything and he's not allowed to ask her for stuff and she he's not allowed to ask her for backup, to start actually demonstrating independence and start acting and living it, and I think that will infuse in him some more kind of self confidence and self assuredness.

Chelsea's planning point is spot on. Like I think he needs to be in vested in his future, recognize the value of it, be able to set timelines with you. I think when you set a timeline for someone, it becomes a deadline that puts too much pressure on them, Whereas if they set the timeline with them, it becomes something they can aspire for and work towards. And for me, for him, confidence is going to come from competence, and competence is going to come from discomfort, and so it's

the removal of comfort that's going to build competence. And exactly as Chelsea said that if you can find a way to really set those boundaries with him and his sister, so that he's not overly supported beyond what he truly does need that couldn't be taken away. And it's not a punishment. It's not done in a negative way. It's not like, oh, we're going to take this away, you know. I think it's done in a way to just say, like,

we already believe in you. We can see that you have all these amazing skills and you've been working so hard. And I think that tone is so important too. I think when someone feels discouraged, they get disengaged and they start to feel like it's not exciting for them, whereas this could be a really exciting opportunity for him to really raise to that burians raise to that next level.

And so I really feel looking at it from encouragement, excitement, aspiration rather than like frustration, stress and comfort, if that makes sense.

my lower lip like the goddamn movie Teeth. The surgeon who operated on me was the first physician to understand how to treat people with my condition. Had I been born just a handful of years earlier, who knows what the outcome would have been. This actor was brilliant, but had an ego the size of King Kong. When I first googled my condition, I found article in which he was interviewed. The title of the article the doctor Repairs

Damaged Babies. It goes on to describe people with my medical condition as experiencing anatomical anarchy, and the physician is quoted as saying it's hard not to believe in a Satanic power when looking at bodies ravaged by such a condition. Needless to say, I didn't take it well, especially as an Irish Catholic from Boston. I could go on about my medical trauma, but I'm looking for advice on how to date with such a complicated medical history. I have

scars and different medical devices on my body. I have to do several medical procedures every day just to live a somewhat normal life. I've had boyfriends and girlfriends, that's right, twenty first century bitch. But for the last three years I've felt stuck. As I got closer to thirty, people began talking about marriage and having kids. I shut down because the likelihood of me having a child is low, and even just the idea of letting another person close to the mayhem that is my jack in the box

body is exhausting. I'm not lonely, I have lots of friends, and I don't even know if I want to get married or have CAD, but I'd sure like to at least be at risk of getting pregnant in my what feels like hundreds of medical appointments each year. When they ask any chance of pregnancy, sometimes I lie just to make the medical assistant think I'm getting some but I'm not and haven't for well, that's not important. The thing is, I know this is a mental block more than anything.

What should I do? How do I let people in? In every sense of the word.

and who cares what that article said? That's not your problem. Let him go do his thing and you move on to a happy, healthier life. But you're like a survivor. You have survived all of this. That is a superpower. That is not a negative. That is a positive. That means you are resilient. That means you are tough, and that means you are able to probably handle anything that

comes your way. And you need to write that down and read it to yourself every morning when you wake up, that you are a survivor, that you are strong, that you are resilient and that you are a badass period. That's what you need to be telling yourself and change this whole narrative around. Because you're sitting here, you're beautiful, you're healthy. Yes, you have contraptions on your body. That doesn't make you any less of a person. In my opinion, that makes you more of a person.

your whole life ahead of you. So you have your whole life to change this narrative, and it's going to be much more bountiful for you if you change it right now. Jay, what do you think?

is power, is empathy, is compassion. You must have the amount you've been through, you must have so much grit of compared to anyone I know, And that to me makes you incredible, like an incredible, incredible person to me. And here's the reality about dating. Dating's tough for everyone, and it's the worst, and it's challenging and everything else. Right, we know that we've heard that, everyone talks about it.

But what's beautiful about love and what we often forget is we think that we say like things like, oh, I don't think I'm going to find someone. Well, the truth is love is rare. Real love is rare. If it wasn't rare, a would we want it? And B if we could be with anyone, then why would this

person be special? The fact that love is rare means You're going to find someone who sees all of this and has the reaction that me and Chelsea have where they go Libby, you are the strongest person I know, Like I am in awe of you and I admire you deeply. That's the reaction you want. And by the way, that's not going to be an easy process. But that person does exist. That person does exist. There is someone out there who may have been through their own stuff,

whether it be emotionally or physically. There's someone out there who's been through their own challenges, and there's someone out there who sees you for your truth. Now, when you decide to share the stories, which stories you decide to share is totally up to you. Never feel pressured, never feel stressed. The pacing has to be at your own time. It has to be when you feel comfortable. But the reality is that these stories will keep the right person close.

And that's what I say to anyone who has any challenge like yours. Is something that you've been through that's really difficult, even someone who has a particular anxiety about something. The truth is that just disconnects the wrong people. It just you know, it attracts the right people, and it

distracts the wrong people. And that's how I look at it, where it's like you're just trying to attract the rare love that has the ability to understand, be in or be loving and compassionate and recognize what you've been through. And you know, I was inspired hearing your story. I'm amazed that you're sitting here smiling and laughing with us and telling jokes in your submission, and to me, that's spectacular. So honestly, you've inspired me today, and I think you're

going to inspire a lot of people. And I really, really truly am rooting for you. Thank you.

I reveal it because it's not obvious. So I'm very very open about it in my professional life because it's you know, I'm an advocate and with my friends very open about it, and you know people have fallen to the wayside and the way that you're describing, even just platonically, people over jerks about whatever surgery I had or whatever this thing that went on, or people just not showing up for me, you know, right, Like this surgery that I had in December was again a weird one, a

very interesting one using mouth tissue in a vaginal reconstruction. And you know, it was funny with my friends. I was excited to tell them in a sense because isn't that fucking sick? Is that weird that they can do that? And I can be open about it with them. But it's hard that somebody you want to be sexual with, you know, because you're like this is this is weird. You know you're going to see this up close and personal. It doesn't look different. I had a gynecology appointment the

other day, got pop reviews. Looks amazing. But you know, it's just hard. It's hard.

feel like it. It's not you know, obviously, there are certain things on your body that you're going to want to like identify because of your letter that you have to address. But like what you just mentioned and your vaginal reconstruction with your like, who cares. Nobody's gonna know about that anyway. I mean, it's a good story, so save it for

somebody who deserves to hear it. And also you have a huge advantage also that you're not you don't know if you want children, you don't know if you want a husband, so the pressure also isn't there in that sense. So you have like all of these great things going. So please write those first things down that I mentioned to you as a reminder every single morning when you get up, what you've survived. How strong you are.

even if that's just like doing a breathing exercise. I'm sure Jay can give us one. But putting your hand on your heart and thanking your body every day, even if it's just for a couple seconds, like really recognizing that, like your your body is doing wonderful things for you, even though it's you know, it might feel like a betrayal at times. I'm sure it does. But you know, some of the tougher stuff, maybe renaming that with something that feels kinder to your body, that's beautiful.

And yes, it's called the Feeling. And we're back with Jay Shetty, who's going on tour you guys, you can see him live or is it Jayshetty dot com where people can get.

this time in front of the grandkids. My whole family was crying and emotional, but I was sitting there stoic. I accepted a long time ago there's no point in trying to tame a monster. My family always seems to let him back in after some time has passed, and I'm getting to my breaking point with what I should do if we all continue to allow this behavior. My mom recently made an appointment with a divorce attorney, but

I'm skeptical of the follow through. I've been a vocal advocate for separation, and I love my mom more than anything, so I don't see a scenario where I can leave her behind. Yet it seems clear that we all need to leave him behind. How do I navigate this if not everyone is on board? Sincerely, James, Hi, cutie, how are you good?

the really big challenge here. Having worked with many people in similar setups, even been through similar things on my own for myself, I've found that it's really really tough to push someone in a certain direction, or to want other people to make decisions that then benefit us better. So I'm sure, and I agree with you. I'm sure you'd want everyone around you to treat your dad in a particular way so that it would be better for you,

And I get why, I understand it. The challenge is all of those people are not going to change completely, and even if they change, they're not going to change sustainably. They're not going to be consistent. As you said, They'll push them out, let him back in, push them out,

let him back in. And so if I was you, i'd really really be focused on what you can control and what you can solve for yourself that allows to be allows you to be around people who are empowering of you, encouraging of you, supportive of you, that are not draining you, that are not, you know, denouncing who you are, that are not taking away parts of your identity. But I don't think wanting and wishing and waiting for all of them to change and see what's happening is

going to do the job. And I think you could waste a lot of your time and energy trying to convince them to get them there, and you're just going to be exhausted by it. And I'd rather you use all of that energy not to be exhausted, but to be engaged in things you love, to move forward with your life, to build a beautiful life, because I think a lot of us waste a lot of time trying to fix something, then we do trying to move forward.

And when you're trying to fix something, especially when you're trying to fix people and their responses and their behaviors and their loyalties and their affinities, you will literally waste years of your life. And I don't want to see you waste years of your life because it seems like you want to have a good life and build a

good one and build a great one. And I can see that from your face right now, and I'd rather you be focusing all your energy on that because that will leave you in a place where you'll be able to feel fulfilled have the life that you desire. And now, whether everyone here gets you, understands you or not, it really doesn't matter. It really truly doesn't matter. So that's where i'd like to start.

but they're not because of the grandkids and stuff. And so I'm just you know, I've started invest more of my time and like my neighbors and friends and stuff that support me for all these things, and my mom, like I've just been inviting her to more things. I'm trying to just invest a lot of my time and can we just start doing things me and you?

have exposure to his abusive behavior, his outbursts, any of that. Like, you taking care of yourself is setting the best example. That you can set for your family, because you don't change people by asking them to change, you actually change by changing you know you, changing your behavior is going to have more of an impact on them than telling

them what they can do. So it sounds like you're halfway there, and so double down on all of that love and happiness and your friends and your neighbors and spending time with your mom alone and making sure that you show up for and it's not your fault to actually usher in their separation or divorce either. Just show up with love and compassion and be there for her. And that is the best way for you to like move through this and just really take care of yourself.

Boundaries have been set. Great, that's the healthiest thing you can do. You don't have to have exposure to someone who's abusive to you.

dad there. I'll do my own thing with them. I'll make my own plans.

getting the best version of you. They're not getting the most loving, most beautiful, abundant version of you because you don't get to show that there because you're too busy having to keep your walls up and your guards up and of course protect yourself. And so I really think that it's also explaining to them that, hey, actually this is going to be better for everyone because I get to be my whole self when I'm with you all. I don't get to be my whole self there, and

I want more spaces. I can be my whole self with my niece and my nephew, with you know, with your sisters, with your mom, as you said, and that's just going to bring so much more light and joy, and actually they're going to see it. And the truth is, James, this is probably going to remind them of the courage that they know they don't have, because chances are they feel the same way. Chances are they'd love to set the same boundaries. But it's really hard to do what

you're doing. And so if anything, as time goes on, I wouldn't be surprised if someone said to you privately, James, well done for doing that. I've been wanting to do that my whole life. You know, it's off. And that goes back to what Chelsea was saying, is that when you're setting the example and doing it not with bitterness, not with this like you know, anger, but you're doing it to say, I'm going to be my whole self. I want to be my best self, right, I don't

want to be my bitter self. And that's going to create so much more joy and love in your family than they're even used to, and so that will be a really, really beautiful experience for everyone.