No-No Square

write the foreward for the book. And I just have to say that it's I'm going to have her honest soon as we can, because this is the person who for me made meditation cool and made mindfulness cool, and like, she drinks and she has fun and she laughs and she's like she's not a serious meditation person. She's like a fun, vibrant meditation person. And she's the one who kind of turned me on too, understanding that, oh, there's more than one group of people who meditate. There's a

whole panoply. So I'm really excited for you guys to read her book. Be I'll have her on the podcast soon and we can talk about our friendship. And she's the one who started the pandemic of love. So this organization that I've mentioned on this podcast on separate occasions, and what she does is she matches a donor, and she matches somebody in need, and she puts you in touch so somebody will agree to, you know, help you with your rent for six months and then you have

a direct line of communication with them. And she's helped give over like fifty four million dollars during this pandemic of financial transactions between people helping people, And it's so important. It's all about just community and being there for your community, and like, how are you going to show up in your small way to make the small ripple effect in your small life to have it ripple to bigger, bigger,

bigger ponds, Like how do we all do that? And it just takes everybody being actively engaged with their community, with their neighbors, kind of like it was in the olden days, so that when somebody's falling, you're there to pick them up, and when you're falling, they're there to pick you up. So it was really profound and I was a good reminder for me to read that book. So it's called Sit Down to Rise Up. I don't think it's out yet, but it will be coming out.

And if you want to be supportive of Pandemic of Love, you can go to Pandemic of Love dot com and sign up, register to be a donor, or register if you're in need. And on that note, I'm already exhausted from talking. What do we do now, Brandon? Today's episode are all about bodies and sets to your favorite topics. Oh, okay, is about body dysmorphia or not necessarily body morphia, just about our anatomy? Okay, great, I'm a biologist. Well, and

let's get into the first submission. It comes from Kimberly from Melbourne, Melbourne, Melbourne, Melbourne, Melbourne, Melbourne. She's thirty eight. She writes, Dear Chelsea, I'm a thirty eight year old lesbian from Melbourne, Australia, and I'm thirty eight weeks pregnant.

I'm pretty happy about it, as it took some effort to get here, but as now I'm considered full term, I find myself suddenly wondering how it's anatomically possible for this thing to come out of my huha without causing some kind of irreparable damage on both my mental and physical health. Why do women do this? Do you have any tips or advice on how to prepare for labor and birth? She came to the right place. I have any tips on how to prepare for labor. Yeah, don't

get pregnant. It's too late for you. I don't like when people speak in weeks. As soon as they become pregnant, they start talking about weeks in pregnant. What about when they have the baby? And then it's like, I know, I know, I know, don't It's so annoying. But anyway, thirty eight weeks is what four into thirty eight is almost she's eight months pregnant. Okay, eight months pregnant. Well, the good news is is that people have been having

babies since the beginning of time. So while you may feel like it's going to cause irreparable damage, I would argue that you are panicking at the last stage of your pregnancy, because that's probably what women do to once they realize that a person is going to come out of your Pikachu. It is a hard reckoning. It is hard to think about that. But what you can use to assuase your fears is the knowledge that this is happening every day to millions of people. I mean, how

many babies are born a day? Yeah, I look that up. I mean, you're in a big city with a real hospital and people who have tons of experience laboring and delivering babies. So I don't think you have a lot to worry about except for your personal fears. And I think you just have to kind of come to Jesus with the idea that like, this is what becoming a parent feels like. It's scary, and you're gonna be scared after the baby is born at certain times. You're gonna

be scared during certain parts of their childhood. But the important thing is that you're almost done. So that's a victory in and of itself. And when you are done, if anything happens to your Pikachu, they can fix that. You can tell them in advance that you want them to fix that. What's going to happen to you mentally, You're going to go through so many different emotions and hormonal incitements that it's going to be a very, very probably blurry time being a new mother for the first time.

So how many babies are born every day? Approximately three hundred according to the u n. That's a hundred and forty million a year. That's too many. That is too many people. Wow, that's so scary. A hundred and forty million people a year are born. It's a lot of people who shouldn't be having babies. Well, but let's focus on the fact that this woman is having a baby. She is and that's that's a glorious decision that you made your lesbian right, So she you actually worked very

hard to figure this out. So you're in a great position and you should be enjoying it. And if you have moments of doubt and insecurity, that's normal. Well, and I do think again, meditation just too mentally prepare for yeah, for your integrating with the baby, and prepare yourself emotionally. That's a great idea. I'm sure there's pregnancy meditations if you look on Calm or headspace or Chopra, any of

those apps offer all those kinds of meditations. But you should really start to get real focused on the labor and delivery and know that you're gonna succeed and prevail and it's all gonna work out and you're gonna be fine. Because we're living in the year. So you know the days of you going to the hospital having a baby and something terrible happened. You know, that's not the way we live in society these days. Just harness that strength that you have. Yeah, you're a mama bear. You're a

mama bear. You gotta be strong for you and your Oh that's exciting to have a baby if you're someone other than me, Kimberly. Problem solved. Kimberly, thanks for calling or writing and and good luck. Send us a picture of you and your baby. Okay, we're gonna take a quick break right now and we'll be right back with more calls and calls and just love. Okay, I think we need to get her some straight up birthing advice, since neither of us can do that. Obviously, we're gonna

get my friend Carson Meyer on the phone. So this is very exciting for me because I know Carson, but I had no idea she was a dula. And this is somebody who's going to talk to us about what actually happens when you give birth. So to the woman we just spoke to, and to all women out there who are scared shitless of childbirth, count me in. Carson is going to help us demystify I guess the entire situation. Hi Carson, Hi, Oh my god, I love you. You

know what You're just what an adorable? I can't believe you're a dula. Now I've been a duela for almost five years, but I didn't even think you were nineteen years old or how old? Are you? Almost eight? Oh? My god? Are you back in l A I am. I'm into Panga, the of the Duels. Oh, that's where all duelas have to live of capital of the World. Carson, really quick, can we get and explanate what is a duela? For people listening who don't know or not familiar with

the profession, what exactly does a duela do? And maybe how could they find a duel if they are interested. Yeah. So, as a birth doul, I work with parents through pregnancy, birth, and postpartum to help inform and educate them on all of their choices in whatever setting they choose to give birth. I'm helping to advocate for them, making sure their voices are being heard, needs are being met, and that they have all of the information they need to make empowered

decisions through the process. So, okay, So we had to call her. How would you summarize her. She was very far along in her pregnancy and it just dawned on her that she's going to have to birth this child. It's no longer just going to take up space in her uterus. It's going to have to come out at some point. So she needs she needs a little pep talk. She needs advice and insight on what to expect to get through it. She's freaking out and can't believe she's

about to give birth. I think just the process itself is what's so scary to her, Like the idea, which I think is very relatable, that it's very scary to think about a human being coming out of your vagina, what happens to your vagina, the pain that you experience, and what happens if anything goes wrong, and how you recover in the short term and probably in the long term. You know. I saw TikTok video the other day of a live childbirth, and I was disturbed, to say the

very least. And I just can't imagine something so violent happening to my Pikachu. Yeah, I hear you. I hear you, and I think we I feel this way. I felt like, you know, we had sex, said, right. We were raised to think get pregnant and die. Right, It's just the most terrifying thing that can happen. Prefer that scene in Mean Girls, right, or it's like have sex, get pregnant, and die. And that's like the extent of our childbirth

education as young women. And so for me, it was when I saw the business of being born in college that I was like blown away by seeing depiction of birth that wasn't just the Hollywood depiction of birth. It wasn't flailing legs and blood and all these masked men standing over you. It was powerful and in some cases even pleasurable and very empowering for these women. And so I was like, why haven't I seen these depictions of birth? And where's the class later on in life to say, Okay,

we're not scaring you into pregnancy anymore. Here are your choices, here are your options, here is some let's work through these fears that we kind of pushed on you for so many years. Seeing the business of being born was really eye opening to me. And so I think she

is not alone in that fear. I hear this all the time, and part of what I do as a birth duel is help parents work through these fears, demystify some of the myths that they have been hearing around childbirth, and then also know how to approach of what can be a very difficult process and something that is a huge life transformation. So what does our body naturally do for us during this process? I think that's what people have a hard time understanding. How does your vagina open

up big? And then what happens after? I mean that's my first question obviously, that's but like, how does your body internally ready you for this experience? Yes, so the understanding the physiological process of what is happening in the body during pregnancy and labor and postpartum is unbelievable and incredible, and for me, it just gives me such a deeper respect for the female body and nature and how brilliant

the whole process is. What happens in labor is the cervix, which has remained closed and hard through pregnancy to keep the baby inside, is starting to soften and open. And so a process that we say, oh it takes so long, right, yeah, first time leaver, it can be long, But really, what's happening in a day or two Your cervix is going from completely closed to ten centimeters open to allow for the baby to come out. And this happens through the contracting of ten centimes. Is that the limit or can

it go beyond that ten centimeters? It just goes to ten centimes, I bet you some people go to twelve. Well it does you know? It stretches and allows for the baby to come through. Um. The cervix is what goes. It's on the top of the birth canal right, the vagina so okay, well that's good because I honestly didn't know that that has to open for the baby to

come into the birth Okay, copy, that keep going. What's happening in that process the contractions, which is the stimulation of the uterus that is bringing the baby's head down onto this cervix and lower into the pelvis. That happens due to oxytocin. And some people know of oxytocin because it's this potocin, which is very widely used in UH labor as a drug, is a synthetic version of oxytocin. But oxytocin is something we create in our bodies automat

to be confused with oxycotton. People this is a two. These are two very separate items. They are, but they also both feel good right a few chemical or hormones, So oxytocin is known as the love hormone because it's released in our bodies when we fall in love, when we have sex or orgasm, when we are with our pets, when we are in laughing amongst friends. It's what bonds us to one another and makes us feel good and

like we belong. The highest surge of oxytocin that ever happens in the body happens in labor, and this is what is contracting the uterus. So I always say that you know, feeling good having a dula, how the music, having support, feeling safe, being in low lighting, having candles right, the same way the baby comes in is the same way the baby comes out. Having that oxytocin, and that feel good is not just a nice experience for your birth, but it's literally telling your body you are safe, you

are okay to bring baby out into the world. So I think that's like the proof of how important it is to work through fear before birth and to approach it feeling empowered and supported, because when we stop the flow of oxytocin, we stop the flow of labor. Oxytocin is also what bonds you to your baby right away. So when you look into your baby's eyes, when you have skin to skin, what does oxytocin do. It tells the uterus to continue contracting, and that's what helps stop

leading postpartum. It's what gets that uterus that has grown to the size of a watermelon back to size. It's also what tells your body to produce breast milk. So it's really this brilliant hormone that is play. Wow. That is you know what. This is a very helpful explanation for someone who will never have a baby. You make it sound beautiful. Now, I'm understanding the draw. If you do it the right way, it can be beautiful. Yeah, and I think there's there's room for for it all.

It's beautiful and it's hard and it's messy, but I do. My wish for all women who want to have kids is that they can go into it feeling that and knowing that feeling good is what's going to serve them. Yeah. Also, you know my psychiatrist, he has a theory about being born.

Well not it's not his theory but there is a theory out there, you know, about being born, about being You're in the womb and it's safe, and it's you're there for nine months and there's no noise, and and you're being fed and you don't have to go to

the bathroom. And then you're thrust into fluorescent lighting, spanked on the ass and having tubes shoved in you, and all of a sudden you're in the world and you have to communicate that you're hungry, and you have to communicate that you have to go to the bathroom, and that is a trauma in and of itself. Being born is traumatic, yeah, and I, but I doesn't have to be. And that's where we've done a big disservice in the

over medicalization of birth. Right. Birth is not a medical event, and doctors and opis and hospitals are fantastic at dealing with emergencies, and thank god we have them right, But overall, we have kind of swung this pendulum for the past really a hundred years almost two, taking away from this

physiological process and over medicalizing it. And we're learning now through research and also, as you're saying, right, people who are working through trauma that's starting from day one, is that the more we can protect this environment, and that means home, hospital, wherever you are, and support a gentle

birth for the mother, but also for the baby. Right being born into dim lights, being born into hearing your parents voice first, right right or two own skin to skin with your parents, having that time to adjust to the outside world, which is big, right. Yes, it's going to be traumatic at a certain point to just be human and and function in our our world today, but protecting that space is so important for establishing healthy breastfeeding. And then, like you say, I think it's something that

we store in our memory for years. Right. The way that we perceived the world has a lot to do with our first moments in it. I'm biased, but I do think that having a doula is a wonderful way to prepare for this process. You can find Dulah's through word of mouth, Instagram, asking around yoga teachers in your community acupuncturist. I think more and more everybody is learning about the benefits that are actually evidence space of having

a dula. You can find me online at Carson dash Meyer dot com and I teach childbirth education classes online and also have a wonderful community of other recommendations, and I'm happy to send your way. Well, that was very well said. Thank you Carson. Thanks for your time today. It's lovely to see your face as always, and you know what your background looks to me like somewhere I want to be, so just pretend I'm there with you. Okay,

Oh I love this. This is great. I mean, who knew I would ever spend as much time talking about childbirth. Now she's going to become a duel. Oh my god, what if I become a duel? Like can you imagine if you got bad to have birth and I'm by your side. Well, let me tell you. You know what helps oxytocin flow is laughter? Yeah, axy tie, you know what helps laughter? Well, we'll talk about that later. I

love you, Carson, Thank you so much. And yeah, please reach out to Carson for all of those of you out there in this area that are looking for someone qualified to teach you about all this stuff. It sounds like we found our girl and get support. Don't be afraid to ask for help. Yeah, definitely, Thank you by Carson. Well, that was just delightful. I mean that was delightful. That was the first time that I have paid attention to a conversation about child birth that intricate I. Usually it's

almost like math. When people get too into the weeds about childbirth or financial numbers, I tune out, and then I need to take it edible. Well, she gave a great explanation. It still doesn't make it seem like it's going to be great. But if you can get that set up to make it a little bit more enjoyable, I mean more power to you. I'm glad that we don't have a baby. Yes, you will never have a baby. Oh my god, I need to be more enthusiastic for people who are having I feel like I'm such an asshole,

but I see you don't have a baby. I see people who are pregnant, and I just think, why, why, why would you do that? When we were traveling, when we were at the airport, that's what Levi had said. He just looked at me, goes, aren't you so fucking glad we don't have to worry about a car seat or a stroller. And you're any of that ship while you're fires are cheer Rio's fucking everywhere driving around in a smelly minivan that has fucking food stuck in yogurt

squirts and yogurts, those yogurt fucking squirt things. My sister's cars give me so much anxiety. No one's going to have to get in them, and then when I'm in them, just I want to wipe everything. I know. I know I have the same thing my sisters now, my sister Simone, whose kids are older, so her car is a completely different situation than it used to be when they were

growing up. I mean, it was so gross. I remember when I moved to l A. I lived with my aunt Gabby and uncle Terry on Beverly glenn And Boulevard, and they had nine children, and I had to take all nine children to school every day in a minivan, and I listened to Howard Stern to watch that show Actually you as a bus driver, I was such a count. I would fucking scream and yell at them. But I would also take them to Disneyland and go to Magic Mountain if one of them didn't want to go to school.

So I was good sometimes, but I basically just had to earn my keep at my aunt's house and my responsibility, yeah, it was to take them to school every day, and I just I fucking hated it. I hated the smell of that van so much. It's like diapers, yogurt and cheerios stuck everywhere. Everything's tacky. Well, tacky isn't the right word for me, Like the every like car seats have TACKI TACKI like sticky or TACKI isn't taste both? Well, No, it's not feeling, because you can't have taste when you're

doing that, when you're running around with fucking children. It's not like you have time to be like, oh, I'm gonna this is stylish. You know what else I'm never gonna do is fucking share a hamburger with a child. Have you ever seen that? Like parents who eat things that their children have left there? Yeah, chicken nuggets. That's the only reason I would have kids, so that I could have all the chicken nuggets. Not after they slob no, No, but I will chicken a stricter threshold of what they

will allow. I had a friend who's going through a really difficult thing because her daughter is sexually active, and my friend is like freaking out about it, and her daughter is younger than she would hope to be is actually active, but she's having responsible sex. But it was I talked to her this morning and she was a

hot mess about it, and I didn't. I just you have a baby, and you have your little pal, and they look up to you and they love you, and they're devoted to you, and they hang on your every word, and then they fucking turn on you. You know, they become adolescents, and I know it's part of them individuating and they have to develop their own identity. But it's

really hard to see a mom go through that. What is their communication like regarding this new I think the communication could be better, and we talked about that this morning, and yeah, she just has to handle She has to create some more boundaries because she didn't and so things have gotten a little bit out of control and she just needs to instill those boundaries a little bit more, kind of like having the kid over and then being sexual in the house. She doesn't have to allow that,

but it's gotten a little too carried away. And do you think you would handle that as a parent? I feel like there has to be a certain level of acceptance that a parent must have because there's no undoing it. Once this has happened. Once the road is open, there's no turning back. Once you start getting sex, you're gonna want more of it. If it's the right kind of sex, and with somebody that cares about you, you're gonna want more of it. But I don't know how I would

handle it. But I I'm trying to What advice did you give her? I said, you know, you have to create boundaries where there are none. You know, you can't take it back. She's not going to stop having sex. She's being responsible, she's not sick, she's not dying. It's not the end of the world. You have to look at the macro instead of the micro. No one wants to hear about their child becoming sexually active. No one. No one wants to hear about that. And I get that.

I don't. I was having sex when I was fourteen years old. We also have to remove the shame from sex and the way that people have sex where it has to be so quiet and hidden. Well, if you're in your parents house, it shouldn't be andoous, but even in conversation, the acknowledging it and the acceptance of it, and the education component of being able to have those conversations where what you're doing is not wrong. There's an appropriate way to have sex and to communicate about that

with your partner, with your family. But acting as if it's not happening, that doesn't really be no. And I think sometimes people they don't want to say the thing that's going to push the kid away, so they kind of ignore it, and then it comes back to bite them in the ass because the boundaries haven't been created. So the kid keeps pushing and pushing until the parents says, hey, hey,

this is not acceptable. Like she has no right to say you can't have sex anymore because that's not going to work, But she has every right to say, this is my house and these are the rules and you have to follow them. Yeah, I mean that seems appropriate. Don't have sex on the kitchen counter. Well, nobody's having sex on the kitchen counter yet. I don't ever want to have sex on a kitchen counter if I ever have sex again. I mean, the way things are going,

men are just so repulsive. To give us all an update, what has been going on? Anyone know? I've been writing stand up material. I've been focused on my stand up. That's what I'm fucking focused on I'm not focused on trying to get penetration. Well, we have to wait till this probation time for men is over and when they proved to us that they're done sexually assaulting everybody. Because not all men are bad, but there are enough bad ones that we need to focus on making sure that

you guys all step it up a notch. What's next? We don't Our next submission comes from Kelsey. She's Kelsey us with Chelsea out of Nashville. She writes, Dear Chelsea, for basically my entire life, I've only received mediocre dick. I still come, but only to move the process along a bit quicker. How do I manifest good dick without subjecting myself to being in a porn film? How can I know if a guy is good in bed before sleeping with him. I don't want to waste any more

of my time. Well that's unfortunate. I'm sorry to hear that, Kelsey. Well, it is depressing, but that's depressing outlook even I don't have that outlook like mediocre dick. First of all, you can't find out how somebody is in bed until you have sex with them, So they're not going to represent. It's not like you can ask somebody are you good in bed? And they're going to tell you. They're all going to say yes, and the ones that are going

to say no, you don't want to have sex. It's just this is maybe they're setting reasonable expectations and you should have sex with them, because at least they're not overselling it. I personally believe having sex with someone is a great introduction to find out if there's anything more worth talking about. I think sex should come first because I need to know your body and if we have chemistry and if all of the stuff is working together, and then I can decide if I want to date you.

So it's a little backwards for me because I need to know that that's going to be like a good portion of the relationship and that that's going to be where the fun is. Getting to know somebody sexually sounds so boring. Okay, So I'm I'm obviously not a woman, not yet anyway, and I would say reading this that she should be more vocal in what she does or

does not like with this part. But but do women feel comfortable in that saying so, say you were meeting up with someone for you know it was a riot date. He came over to have sex. Would you be comfortable in that initial and to actually to tell him like, hey, no, I'm not into this, or hey do this right? Right? Right? Yeah. I think that's a great question because this has come up before. I was talking to Ben Bruno, my trainer

got Dynamo. I was talking to him about, you know, women faking orgasms because I said, you know, we fake orgasms all the time, and you guys just like either don't care or don't know. And he's like, we know, And I go, well, then you don't care and you guys are coming and yet we're fake, Like you can't fake an orgasm? How's our guys supposed to fake coming? And he was like, yeah, but we know when you're doing it. I go, but if you know when we're doing it, why are you accepting of that right? Why

would you not fulfill us? And on that note, I have had a hard time sometimes being vocal with a guy in bed about what I like, like I will fake an orgasm before I have one to get it over with. I will do that. I have done it, every woman probably has. And for me to be really comfortable with somebody in bed. I have to know them, you know. So I'm not going to have an orgasm the first time. I mean, it'd be great if I did, but it's unlikely and I don't have my hopes up

at this point. Well, for someone who is vocal as you are with what you want and need in other aspects, why would you not feel comfortable doing that in the first interaction, Like women need to take that power in their voice back if they're not enjoying sex. And again, I'm not a woman, so it's I understand that I will never know this positioning, but you need to say, like, hey, I'm actually not into this, or I'm I'd actually like to wrap this up, like I'm not enjoying myself. You

shouldn't have to just lie there and take it. Well, it's years and years of conditioning where we think that, you know, like even someone like me, who you would argue as wrong minded and strong wills, it's like, no, it's hard to say, listen, if if I don't like something, I have no problem saying that, But I have a problem asking for what I want from someone unless I know them, you know, Like I don't want a stranger to go down on me, I'd rather have sex with them,

you know what I mean. If I'm meeting somebody and I'm hooking up, that's too intimate for me. I want to do that other stuff with somebody when I care about them and when I'm into them. So when you created that kind of space and you have chemistry and then there's intimacy, you know, there can't be intimacy right away.

So I like sex more in the beginning, and then when you get to know somebody, you can get into other things because that is more intimate in my opinion, but women have It's not our fault that we don't stand up for ourselves more and that we aren't more vocal, but we should all practice doing that, you know, I think that that's the advice for its Just stand strong

in your voice and what you want sexually. You can set that expectation up front if you if you know there are things that will or will not turn you on, or things you do or do not like, you shouldn't have to worry about relaying that information now and what you say on your clothing line Kelsey saying, I just

don't want to waste my time anymore. It feels like that's a sentence that says you're at the end of your rope and you're at the point where you can say right away, this is what I'm into, and you know what, do it for every fucking woman in your life that you care about, because when you stand up for yourself, you're standing up for all women. Problem solved,

Ding ding ding the next one. It's always hard for me to give my thoughts on these very female focused submissions, but it's that's okay, that's what I'm here for, sweetheart, I'm a female. It's hard when I hear women who feel like they just can't um you can't come certainly, but can't vocalize what they're w y, their their needs. It's not even a once like hey, like I need this to be able to be aroused. Like like, guys are just so self centered, they're so self service, but

they're not. You know, some guys are really not like that. Some guys are very giving and as soon as you tell them, they all do what you tell them to do. Like yeah, you know, I mean if I've become intimate or if I'm dating somebody after a few times, no problem, no problem saying hey, do this, do that, but right off the bat, it's like, I don't know. It's just like a guy saying, hey, like I don't want him

telling me what to do either. You know, that's kind of what chemistry is, being able to feel each other out and wanting to please each other. Have you had like a sexual sleep or cell where it wasn't good the first couple of times and then you're like, oh, I don't think I want to do this again. You do it again and then it became good or maybe

like you had gotten to know them better. So you're because you're saying that basically, the sex for you upfront is how you're going to know if there's any any reason to continue that relationship. But has that ever happened where that wasn't the case? Like you you made the mistake. I'm sure. I'm sure there's been. Yeah, but it came background. You're like, oh, I'm glad that I love this go a little longer. Yeah, I think because people are need

to get comfortable with each other. People need to find a comfort level. So obviously it gets better the more you get to know somebody. Like I used to have this guy in my twenties that I would call and hook up with when I was drunk at night and I go to his house and he'd called me and we had crazy, crazy, fun sex, but we had nothing in common. We never hung out sober. We tried to one night and it was awful and awkward. Like that was just a sexual relationship and that's all it was.

But when you combine the two and you want to have like I mean, I do just kind of want sex, you know, at this point, but I'm also like looking for people that I can spend time with along with the sex. Along with the sex, that would be a bonus. I mean, it's not a given that that's going to happen, but wanting to hang out with somebody helps you become

very attractive. So what I like about what you're saying is that you want the not romantic aspect, but the more the more intimate I guess, the lounging and the cuddling to some degree, But after sex, you're also fully on board with them leaving you're like, yes, I don't like you don't need to say yeah, I don't need that in my life right out. That's for somebody that you know, you have a real connection with and on

special occasions. I'm just way too independent and I'm I like the way that I sleep with Bert in my arms. You know what would happen to Bert if someone came in like birt to me? Like falling asleep with bird in my arms, with his body and his weight against my chest and his breath on my face is the happiest that I could ever be. Can you imagine that body being squeezed between you? And Bert doesn't like men in that way, and that's lame. I don't want to say, like, oh,

I don't I like my dog better than men? But I do. Well serves a different purpose. I know it's too bad Burt and I can't just have sex, but I can't do that either. And he's a virgin, hopefully, and I want to keep him that way because I'm an overprotective helicopter parent. Well, now we know how you would parent. There would be no sex in your house. That's our next mission comes from Claire. She's in her thirties from Utah. I love when people right in from Utah.

That's like your sweet spot, Utah. I love you, I love I hope their Mormon. She writes, Dear Chelsea, I've been with my husband for fourteen years, Mary twelve. We have two children. Our marriage is beautiful and something that has never been easy, but I definitely appreciate all the opportunities to learn and grow. That is a very healthy

outlook on our relationship. Wait say that part again. Our marriage is beautiful and something that has never been easy, but I definitely appreciate all the opportunities to learn and grow. What a stance. Yeah, people don't set you up for that sort of mentality when you're little, so that's nice. My husband and I have always been extremely sexual. We have sex often, and I personally feel like we have more sex than anyone I know. He still turns me on and knows exactly what he is doing. I feel

like he would say the same. The problem is he thinks I control our sex life because sometimes I'm too tired or just want to go to bed. So because I say I'm not into it one time out of five nights in a row, he feels like I have control. He'll be upset enough that it will ruin our entire next day. What's the best way to tell him not tonight without offending him? Okay, these are all good questions, and she on the phone. She on a zoom. Oh great, Hi Claire. Hello, Hi, nice to meet you. Nice to

meet you. You both are beautiful, so are you? Are you? Thank you? Thank you? Well, this is a circle jerk. Basically, this is one big circle jerk. I love what you're saying about the complexities of your relationship and just kind of accepting all the pain points and knowing that you can redirect those into growth. So that's a really nice outlook on relationships. That's refreshing. Yeah. I mean, the best way is to be positive about it, and I think

talking about it it's very taboo from my perspective. But can I ask, because you're from Utah, are you or were you Mormon? I was Mormon. Yeah, okay, well that's your personal decision. Let's talk about your sex life. So how often do you guys have sex? I would say out of the seven days, about five to six times. Maybe it's kind of hard because we always have the planet for nighttime, so but yeah, it's tiring. It's so it's so hard. No, I know, the kids and how

how old are you kids? Or and eight? Yeah, that is really tiring. Okay, So no, I know, listen and let me just tell you right now, Claire, that is a lot. I don't know anyone who's having sex that often, anyone that's married, no way. My girlfriends and I ask all of them, on average, they have sex with their husband, especially when there are small children, once a week. Some people are like, oh, yeah, twice a week, but not most people. Most people are like, oh funk, I try

and throw them a bone on Sundays, you know. Or my friends are like, oh, you know, I'll try. I mean, half of them fake going to sleep early, and some of them don't have to fake it because they're exhausted. But even my friends who are really into their husbands are not having sex more than twice a week. And I like, full penetration sex is this fooling around, Like what how how are you classifying sex? It's like full on, full on sex sometimes if it's that time of the month.

I mean, people do that, that's great. I don't. It doesn't bother me, but like it will just be sometimes like a blow job and then he'll get me off or whatever. It's never like just one side of it. But my husband and I did not have sex after my son was born because of postpartum depression. And all of that. So but before kids, it was like that, but that was back a long time ago, So I don't know. And when you say you kind of deny your husband or you're not in the mood or whatever, like,

how does that go down? What happens? I don't know. It sounds kind of weird because we're older, but or like, I'm in my thirties, but I'm like texting him. I'll text him and say, you know, I'm just I'm really tired. Can we, you know, do it tomorrow or whatever? Just because of the day or I've had about day. Can

we can we do it tomorrow? And then he'll he'll either like text back and um, he'll say sure or like a one word a dancer or whatever because he's not he's not happy, and then he'll just go straight to bed and be mad. You can just tell that he's upset. Thing, Yeah, his egos is hurting. And are most of your interactions are they I understand with kids that there does have to be some sort of planning,

but are any of these spontaneous? If you're texting to kind of set up or set the expectation that's not happening tonight, It seems like it's very structured. Yes, very it has to be structured. So and is that just because of the kids. Yeah, yeah, because I feel like kids are always around, and so I don't want to like just say it out loud, like hey, you want to you wanna go bone? You know, I don't know,

it's just weird. And so we'll we'll text a lot of the time, and so it is planned out, and he he has shownrustration with that just because he's like, I want it spontaneous, and you know, every once in a while we'll do that, but it's very very rare. It's always planned and I don't like it either, but I don't I don't know what else to do. Yeah. I think the first thing is that you you need to communicate directly. Texting is not not You're married, so

you don't need to be texting him about sex. And I think he might bear the bad news of not getting laid every single night a little bit better when you're holding his hand and just kind of treating him like a baby, because that's how he's acting. He shouldn't be mad that you don't want to have sex with him, but he's obviously his ego is bruised, and that's all

he's able to focus on. So you kind of have to treat him with kid gloves around this issue, you know, and you kind of have to cajole him into understanding that's not the right word, but hold his hand and understanding like this is there's no loss of love, there's This doesn't mean you're not attracted to him. It's totally understandable that you have a feign an eight year old.

And if you can say these things while you're holding his hand, or while you give him a kiss or you're hugging him, I think it will have a much different impact than you're texting him that you're not in the mood. Yeah, I do. You are completely right. Texting is just a very sterile response to a very intimate act. So if if that's the way you're communicating this, it could seem not that you are disregarding it, but maybe that you are not as interested in the intimacy aspect

of the act. And so even by having like some some silent cues, you know, little things that after this long tether, you guys should be able to read one another where you can give him a look or some sort of signal. Everything is through the phone now, so even being able to look at him across the room

so he knows like, oh, she's interested. I think would do you guys a great service because again, it just kind of forces communication in a different way that then maybe it does feel more spontaneous again, even if it's you know, you have certain windows of opportunity where it's not as struck shirt and set up like an appointment might help. Yeah, I think I think there's probably room for spontaneity in your life, even though you do have a four and an eight year old, right, I mean,

does the eight year old have play dates? Do they? Are they ever out of the house? Yeah? Usually, Like everybody has been going through this, but COVID has made it really difficult because he is he's a he stays at home and works and then I'm now working from home and so we're always together. But now they're you know, things are going back to normal, so we're able to

be alone every now and then. So and you do like having sex with your husband when you do, right, Okay, that's good to know because you're not a sex slave. He can't treat you like that. You're not obligated to have sex with him every single night. But I don't think that he deserves any sort of ire or anger because he's clearly operating out of ego and he just has his he he feelings hurt. You know, that's it

sounds like. But you know, she also said something interesting earlier that if the option is not available for penetration, that if there's another sort of sexual act, that he takes care of her. And this is something we actually have just spoken about, Claire, that there needs to be an equitable exchange with men and women to make a man needs to make sure that the woman also feels fulfilled sexually. So it seems like your husband is doing that,

that that's a priority to him. If if sex is not an option and you know there's oral sex and available, that he does take care of you, So it seems like he wants to make sure that you feel good in that act as well. Right, Oh yeah, yeah, um.

And that also I think over time just being married, we've learned a lot because at the first of our relationship that's not how it was, but we've definitely talked and communicated and it's you know, it's not fair for one just to do and I know that a lot of women go through that where they are just like, you know, yes, and then a guy just like goes and you know, just I just don't like. Well, I think if you can, I think if you've been able to talk through those things, this should be an easy

conversation ation to have because you need to vocalize. And again, this is something I have all sisters and I talked about this a lot. Is women need to stand like in their power and have a voice and they need to be heard. So if that means you need to have a sit down with him like, hey, I'm feeling like a utility to you when I'm not in the mood for sex, like I do also have to be

in the mood for this where partners in this. If I'm not in the mood like, I don't need you getting upset or taking it personally like sometimes it is about me, it is not about you. And if you've been able to communicate all these other things, and for a lot of people like that's the hardest thing is communicating what you are into sexually or not into. So just positioning it to him in person that hey, like this is how you're making me feel like I want sex to make us feel this way. I don't want

it to feel like a burden. And if I'm not ready for it or in the mood for it, I don't want to feel like there's always going to be negative repercussion. Yeah, because that's really unfair of him to be in a bad mood the whole next day. You're a mother, you have two children. It's a lot different being a mother than it is being a father, and you know, maybe he needs to understand that a little bit more too. That might be something you want to communicate. It's a lot more trying on women than it is

on men to be a mother. There's a maternal thing going on that they don't even know about, So that's exhausting. You know, every care or every worry that your child experiences is yours because of their maternal instinct, and men don't seem to understand that. So it's a lot to ask, you know, six nights a week, but you're you're definitely doing it way more than the average person. I'm sure there's a lot of exceptions out there, but you're doing

it way more than the average couple. From I, I have tons of girlfriends and we talked about this ship all the time, so you're definitely sexually active enough for him to be pleased. I mean, having sex more than once a week is a gift for any married man with small children. Okay, do you feel like you have

the conversation set up in your head? Oh? Yeah, it's he's a capgorn and I'm an aries and so I'm very outspoken and you know, like it doesn't bother me to talk about it, but it's more of like the private you know, he doesn't want to. I don't know, he has a hard time just even announcing that he does anything Like this whole thing even is like hard for him because he just doesn't like it to be

talked about. And I'm like, I talk about it, you know, I've talked about with my friends before, and it's just, I don't know, not easier for me. So I know I can talk to him about it. And maybe you know, we were talking about doing therapy for a marriage anyways, just because it would help drastically in anybody's marriage. So I think that will probably be our next step. I just wanted to do there are people for and then do marriage, So I done that. Now marriage is the

next part. Yeah, if you can afford counseling, then you should definitely do that. Therapy is never going to be a bad move, you know, even if you find you know, if it takes a couple of therapists, you get the right one like that is a great investment into your marriage and into your future. So definitely do at. And also, you know, with men, when you're saying he doesn't like to express himself in that way or discuss these kinds of you know, maybe taboo things, he thinks of them

as taboo. You know. Really physical touch while you're having those conversations has a big impact on people like that, so that they're constantly being reassured. You know, you kind of maybe have to look at it. I know, you don't want to think of him as your child, because that's not hot at all, But men can act like that, you know, and they needed sometimes to be treated like little kids because for all the reasons that, yeah, they

have that temperament. So as loving as you can be while you're giving him the news that you're not up for it every night, and that it would be a lot easier on you if you didn't have to deal with him sulking about it. You know, that's taking away from your parenting, that's taking away from your work, and that's taking away from your marriage. Clara. I also want to give you one other thing. I just realized, I

did you just call her Clara Claire. I realized I just had this conversation with one of my best friends.

And something that she did that seemed to be really effective was instead of waiting until after the fact, she would address it right in that moment about how he was making her feel or if he did something that she really liked it and and made her feel good in terms of like the setup that you know, he was rubbing her feet on the couch before they started to full around and the kids were in their bedroom, so it was again a little bit more spontaneous for a parent,

like oh my god, we're in the middle of the living room, like anyone could walk out. But she got in the habit of telling him those things immediately so he didn't have to try and reflect back on what

you were referencing. And it's really helped them so in the in the times where she's like, Hey, I've been here all day with four kids, like I need to get out you're making me feel like I'm not being heard or being seen when she would do it right then, even though it was a little bit more uncomfortable, he really started to internalize that more like, Oh, I now I am very aware of how she's feeling in this moment, and so he could change his behavior and he has,

so I maybe give that a try as well as don't wait to give him that feedback, tell him like, hey, right now, you're making me feel very small that this is I'm just being used for this thing, and I don't want to feel that way, So like, how can we adjust? Yeah, there should be no punitiveness or punitivity, punitive punish Yeah, I don't know the right sense of what I'm trying to say, but you know it shouldn't be punitive, like you denying him sex should not be

like then you get punished. That's not acceptable, right, you know, you are really right. I've not ever thought about it in that way, but you nailed it. Because a lot of the times, like you said, when you talk about something that happened earlier, they're like, I have no idea what you're even talking about, Like I don't remember this happening or whatever. Are very dense. Men are very dense. Another word for that is dumb. Dumb. Yeah, so you do have to treat them a little bit differently. I

love it. I love it because both of you just like say it from your heart too. So I love that. Well, we want you to thrive, We want you to have good things in life and love and happiness and all that stuff. So and we would like to know what happened, So please keep us posted, report back, and let us know how that conversation went. Okay, sounds great. Thanks, Another

problem solved, Brandon, she was really sweet. I felt at the beginning like she was almost slightly depressed, but then as she's talked, I just realized she's just lower energy. That's her. You know. I think these conversations, even though when people want to have them, it's like where to begin. I know how I would have them. And with strangers, it's very courageous for people. Anyone listening, if you've been a caller or going to write in, it's very courageous

to do that. And now strangers for advice on ship we may know nothing about, but it's just important to get that conversation started. Like, take value in yourself and have the confidence to ask question whatever it is and at all. So I just read this book I was talking about, you know how the how the first step

is so important. You know, when you have something ahead of you and it feels almost insurmountable, and people vacillate about what they're gonna say and when they're going to say it, or there what's the thing where you wait until the last minute? Um, procrastin, ecrastinate, that's a that's the word. I think it's so important to just take that first step because all the other steps become easier once you take the first one. I'm reading a book

about that as well. What's your book called. It's called Dream First, Details Later. It's by Ellen Marie Bennett, and it's basically just about taking the first step that you there's no sent in overplanning anything because it's all going to be trial and error. You just have to put that thought out there, yes, for that act, Yeah, you have to put it out there, and and things that seem like, oh how am I ever going to get this done? It's like you take the first step and

getting it done. It tends to have a domino effect, and you know, once it's in motion, Yeah, once you set something in motion, it becomes much easier. So that's a good piece of advice for everybody really when they're whether it's about sex or anything else. You know. I was just starting to write my stand up remember, and I was like, I can't sit down and write. I

can't sit down and write. I can't And just because I have a deadline, I just sat down and you know, took that first step and then it started to flow. So it is about once you made that choice. Yeah, it is about the choice that you make. That's exactly right. There's actually a really great quote in the book I'm reading, whatever has happened to you in life, whatever hardship, whatever pain, they pale in comparison to the power you have to choose what to do. Now, that's really nice. That was

from a book it's called Effortless by Greg McEwen. He had written that book Essentialism that I really like that. Yeah, and I don't like this book as much there it feels more business focused. You don't have that since you're such a business gal. I know, don't say gal's sweetheart. I'm not a gal. I'm a girl or a woman. But anyway, yeah, he writes in this there's there's some good things in this book. But I just I don't

know if I can give a full throated endorsement. Well, why don't you let us know when you get through it? Well I did I finish. Yeah, it looks like it's I read it on the plane in the middle. Really No, I just I just, oh, I'm earmarked this another great quote. When you focus on what you lack, you lose what you have. When you focus on what you have, you get what you lack. I mean that's pretty basic, but I liked it anyway because some people just really need

a basic reminder and that's easy to remember. Yeah, that's the good thing about always switching your thought. Like if you have a negative thought and you go, oh, no, I got to think of something I'm grateful for that habit gets gets easy and and becomes a habit very quickly. I speak from experience. So that's a good You know you are in control of your destiny in that sense. I know a lot of people think that destiny is in control of them, but I like to think that

we have something to say about it. I think it's a path that you can dictate, Like there may be an over arching theme. But you have people have control. Yeah, you do have control over your life, and you also have Yeah, it's the power of your conviction and the Yeah, we need to empower everybody. Everyone needs to be emboldened and empowered to say yes, no, thank you, sir, get

out of me. Well, and so in this book she talks about it in terms of kind of like your own personal piggy bank, where when you make a choice that makes you uncomfortable, but you do it regardless, you're investing yourself. And that's like your com it in spank. So every time you do that, doesn't matter how small it is, trying something new on the menu that you may not necessarily gravitate towards an interaction with someone like you are reinvesting that into yourself and building up your

own confidence. So if you just make that effort on a daily basis to make choices that might make you a little uncomfortable, when the big one comes, you're going to feel able in a way that you may not otherwise, just on you know, your daily choices. Yeah, right, you feel a little bit more competent when you have a pattern of making decisions. Well, I would like to know

what happens with her, so hopefully clear. Six nights a week to have sex is a lot, like I don't even want to do that, and I'm single and horny, like I don't want to have sex six nights a week. That's just un reasonable. I mean, no, wonder it is unenjoyable to some degree, Like that's like if you maybe, if you're on vacation, maybe maybe, but probably not for me. Our next sumission comes from Nancy. She's in her forties.

She writes, from one big breasted gal to another, what's your favorite brand of bra to hold these girls up? I don't even to know what kind of bra this is, Brandon, Can you see the label? I changed bras all the time because I go through phases where I like the way certain one looks, and then I liked to minimize how do you spell it? And A T O R. I. So I like this bra because it keeps my breasts

up and bouncy, like it's not. I used to wear bras that would minimize my boobs so that they look smaller, and but they end up cutting you in different weird places and then you have little like cleavage coming out of your bras. That isn't cute, and then you boobs can look pointy. So this is a round bra and it's a padded it's not it's got a very thin lining. It's not padded because I don't need padding obviously. And yes, there's got to be underwire, because yes, I mean we're

not teenagers. But this is my favorite bra. And then do you remember the brand, the one that I sent Sarah Silverman A bunch of the brand? Oh, Chantarelle, Chantel. I think it's Chantrell. I think our mushrooms. Oh, so that's the minimizer bra that I used that makes your breasts like more contained, if that's what you're looking for. But I'm a thirty four D. I think, Brandon, what am I doing? Double D? I don't know. They're big, but they're not gargantuan. Yeah, so I hope that helps

uh be good? I know, brad shopping is such a fucking pain in the ask. And the other thing about bras is is sometimes you can put on a bra and it looks and feels great, and then twenty minutes later it looks like you're wearing two pancakes on your chest. Once it wears in, you have to test out a bra for an entire day to give you those like conical breasts. Yeah, you had one of those. I will never forget it. You put a dress on and I can't remember actually you put it on. You're just like,

why do my breasts look so cony? Yeah, like forties breasts where they used to wear those bras. I didn't know it could make that shape. So the bra that I used to wear, I did that, but it's like, you know what, and then it gives me that under armed fat Like this, The best thing to do is just to hold your breasts. The bra should just hold your breasts and not cut any of your skin off, which is hard and that it requires doing a lot

of bra fittings. But if you go to one of those specialty stores, they usually those women they're like bra specialty stores usually know what they're talking about. Do your favorite sports bra brand? I don't know what my favorite sports bra is. I do love wearing sports bras, though, because that really keeps everything in check and nice and rounded, because then you're I mean, I wear like Nike, Adidas, all those and then there's that what's up in Texas

that I like that girl from Austin Outdoor Voices. They have good bras. Well, you did it one time a Lulu Lemon because the straps were hardier. Yeah, Lemon always has good stuff. Yeah, they have good stuff for it's just a matter of like where you carry your fat, right, if you carry it under your arms and like side boob, all of that is an issue. So you really have to like it's curated. Each person needs to like get their own bespoke brasitch suation going, I'm so glad I

don't have boobs. Well, sweetheart, if you keep working out at the pace you're working out, you're gonna outpace me. Then I can borrow one of your bras. I don't know what the bra question had to do with the sex. Oh, these are body carts and I should just send her a couple of bras. What size is she? Nancy? Nancy. We'll get in touch with Nancy. We'll find out and we'll send some bra options. Okay, we are going to take a break right now, so I can go gas up my electric car and see then how it runs.

I'm a mess right now. I'll tell you what happened recently. Well, this weekend, my bell she put a chocolate, you know, those little chocolates, which, in my defense, are not wrapped. They're all a cart so it's just the chocolate on my pillow. And I woke up and there was a huge chocolate stain on my pillow because of the chocolate melted. And then she yells at me that it's fucking dirty in the morning. It's like, bitch and fucking melted. But I can't say anything. I just have to take her ship,

you know. Uh. And I was video messaging with my girlfriend and I showed her and she's like, you are one of the most disgusting human beings ever. She's like, how can you sleep in a bed with chocolate on the sheets. I'm like, well, it's on the pillow case and I have like four pillows, so who gives a ship? I'm just, you know, not a teetotal or like that, sweetheart.

I had to have a housekeeping when I was on my trip, changed the sheets almost daily because I was eating in bed and because I go had gone off. And on this night specifically, I had woken up with the white sheets covered in protein bar I was dipping it in almond butter. Oh my god, sweetheart, butter and video message. Did you videotape yourself so you could send that to your nutritionist? I didn't. I didn't want anyone to see that sort of shame. What about LEVI, how

does he react to that? Oh, he's disgusted by me. I mean there are always crumbs in bed, and he's constantly he has to do one of like the full size floor or limp rollers in bed because there are constantly crumbs just in every little cranny. Wow. Sweet, maybe we should be sleeping together. That sounds like what it's happening in my neck of the one you would have. I love a snack in bed. I just love it. You know those little blueberry bars that I eat? Those

like cookies crumb? Oh those are good. What are they called? I don't know. They're from Whole Foods. Oh, they're so delicious. The fridge. They have chocolate chip ones, they have blueberry ones. You keep them in the fridge and then nut. You don't like that one, but I do. Oh I haven't tried that one. Maybe because you're hoarding them. Probably I pop them in the microwave for thirty seconds, though, because then it's like a hot treat. I know. You don't

eat cereal. But that's one of my favorite snacks in bed, right before I go to sleep, a fucking big bowl of cereal. There is nothing better than going to sleep with a full belly. No, it's the best. Okay, So what did we learn today? That a lot of bodies, a lot of body stuff, a lot of sex. Sex. I like talking about sex. I like talking about marital sex. I like giving advice on marital sex because I meant, well no, and and I like the idea that I have anything to say about it. I think, I think

that's fun. And there you have a problem solved. Okay, Well, this was wonderful. Thank you for being with us, and we will be back again next week to discuss more of your problems and hopefully solve them as a lama likeum baby. If you need help with any of your issues, you can write into Dear Chelsea Project at gmail dot com Again Dear Chelsea Project at gmail dot com. Also, I am on tour. My tickets are officially on sale. We've added a couple of extra shows. We're going to

be announcing dates as we go. You can buy tickets a ticket master for my shows and tickets are available and I can't fucking wait. It's called vaccinated and a horny, So make sure that you bring your vaccinations and your horny nows and then keep them to yourself, please,