My Love is Unconditional / Conditional with Jake Tapper

um interviewers in different cities interview me. So I'm going to share with you one of my first shows, which was in Washington, d C. At the Warner Theater with my friend Jake Tapper, who interviewed me, which was great. A because he's a journalist and so he's really good at interviewing people. But be because he's a friend of mine, and I don't have a ton of professional friends, so I consider him to be a professional friend, even though

I've seen him be unprofessional. Uh So, this is kind of the first conversation for my book tour to kind of talk to everybody about the themes of the book and all of the issues in the book that resonated with people, and where I was when I started writing it where I am now and um, where Jake Tapper and I are going, I'm gonna bring out my buddy that it wasn't that kind enough to say yes, uh to interview me tonight for this book. And he's interviewed

me before. I've met him several times, and I like him a lot, and I know everybody in this room likes him. To Please welcome Jake Tapper for everyone. So the you know, Bob Muller followed his report right, and my love is not conditional, Jake. I'm waiting to see the full report. I know what you're implying, and I'm I believe in him, and we may not get what we want when we want it, but I will continue to believe in him until I'm proven to be wrong.

This is a true and undying love. It's an unrequited love, is what it is. As far as we know. I mean that we don't know, Bob. Somebody told me backstage, or somebody told me a dinner who that his nickname is three Sticks, and I was like really, and she's like, yeah, three Sticks, you know because Robert Mueller the third I'm like, oh yeah, yeah, yeah, of course it's like, that's that information I need at this point with my relationship. Like

I'm already crushing hard. I don't need to be visualizing that sort of equation. Where did this thing come from that he has a six packer in a pack? Where did Why do you think he sees a marine and they don't let themselves go and he's and I've seen when he walks with his jacket swinging, the way it swings around. There's stuff under there and you see the six pack or eight pack. I know what's going on underneath men's shirts. Yes, you can tell by the rest

of his body. Just trust me, it's there. Okay, if we ever see him with a belly, I'll pay you. Do you want to? I want. I want you to be happy. I want it to be right. I'm just I just I thought maybe somebody had photoshop something and sent it to you and you thought it was real. Okay, No, I don't get fake news. Good good, Well. I read the book and it's great, it's very's this is your six book, correct six book, and um and uh, it's intense.

It's not all comedy, it's not all laughs. It's and I want to get to some of the intense stuff. So you got Joe Biden. I really want to know what you think about Joe Biden. Um, I am so burnt out from this whole you know, situation and the mid terms that I want to be really ready to rumble in when we do have a real election. So I'm not paying attention to any of this noise right now. Other you know, I'm reading the news, I'm not listening.

I'm just burnt out and I want my life back before I have to really hit the pain, before we all have to hit the pavement. So I'm not getting excited about candidates. Let them figure out who's the candidate. At this point, I will take a rock, So you know what I mean. Did you have any reaction to this story a few weeks ago of of of women coming forward saying that that Joe Biden had, you know, touch their shoulders and ways, Because what I think, here's

what I think about that. Sorry to interrupt you, but you know how good I am at that. I think that people who come forward with stories about having your hair blown on diminish real victims who have actually had sexual assaults and been a victim to sexual assault. And we're losing we're losing the plot of this conversation, and we're all kind of sacrificing each other. So I really wish people would get over things that aren't going to damage you for the rest of your life. And and

we're spect the people who have been through something. Um. So there are a few things in this book that we're just interesting little revelations that I didn't know. One of them actually is a quality that you have that I actually share, which is you have a very keen sense of smell, you write in the book, and I have that as well, and it is a curse. It's

so annoying. It's the worst thing in the world. It's so annoying because as soon as somebody like I'd prefer bo than perfume, when people wear perfume, I want to hit them. You know. I don't like fragrance and flowery smells obviously, and I don't like I don't know I have it, but I've yeah, I have a real problem with smell. It's almost like the gross smells that really

gross everybody else out. I don't have a problem with, like deviled eggs, I'm fine with, or like like you know, I don't know what's another bad smell that comes out of their fridge, Like I can handle that spoiled milk or something like that. Can you can? You just it's just such a horrible quality to have. Just this ability to smell things on doesn't trigger you. It's just when I I you're the only the second person I've met that that that acknowledges having this smell that grosses you

out the most. Um, you know, just anything having to do with the digestive system, anything, anything gastro intestinal. Well, yeah, no one, that's not ideal for any of us. But one time I interviewed a guy in these and and it was like he has poop in his pocket or something. I don't know what. I don't know what's going on, but I am not putting this interview on TV. It's in a vault somewhere at CNN, I just because I don't know what happened. But we'll wait on that note

eliminating it. Let me on the poop in the pocket. I that's a theory, it's not verified. No, I thigured you probably did it. Sounds like he did have poop in his pocket. I did ayahuasca, which I talked about in my book I went to Peru and I did this drug, this plant that they brew in to tea and it's called ayahuasca, and we filmed it for UM for Netflix. I did a special on doing drugs and UM and the shaman. You know, they warned you that you're gonna go to the bathroom through your tushi and

you're gonna vomit. So I'm like on camera, I'm like, really, I I can't we just pick one of those two things? Do I have to do both? Um? But I didn't go to the bathroom. I didn't go to the bathroom of pad that happens to a lot of people. I did vomit. So my dream did come true that I could pick one. But the shaman went to the bathroom the entire ceremony in his pants and never left the

room we were in. And you have a keen sense of smell, but I was so into the ayahuasca that I was able to go put that smell where it belongs in the woods. But I did go through the entire ceremony. I have one camera woman in the room with me, and she was like after she goes, oh my god, how could you focus? And I was like, I was on another planet. But I smelled it, and she goes, he just kept going and I go, oh, more than once and she goes, yes, it was repeatedly.

It's on she goes, you can hear it on camera. So don't do ayahuasca, Jake. That's the moral of that story. I'm sure CNN is offering that as a side course. I'm not going to pr anytime soon, but thank you. Okay, We're gonna take a quick break and we'll be right back. When I did your Netflix show, I have to say you it was it was shortly after president it was in the first year of the Trump presidency, and you

were shot. You were traumatized, honestly, that's that was that, Like I like I. You asked me if things were gonna be okay. You you were really worried. And since then, and this is what the book is about, since then, you have trying to understand why you felt that way and trying to get through the process. And one of the things that is so interesting to me is how many times you talk about in your book how Donald Trump and your father, how Donald Trump reminds you of

your father in some ways. UH talk about that if you would so I went to the psychiatrist. I had interviewed him on my Netflix show. He talkedor Dan Siegel, He's in my book, and I went to him because I do you know Dan? Alright? Great? Who was clapping through? Probably Dan's agent or something, I don't know. Thank you, Mrs Siegel. Dan's mom is here, proud he and he just talked about the brain in a way I was interested in, or I could pretend I was interested in.

It was science. You know. They maxed a lot of hippocampus, the prefrontal cortex and vortex whatever it is, and you know, all of that stuff. And I was like, oh, I could talk to him. He knows what he's talking about, you know. And I went to him, and for the first successions I bitched and moaned about Donald Trump. I was paying somebody to listen to me because everyone was so annoyed by me. My friends were like, oh my god,

can you fucking stop talking about it? And I'm like, yeah, yeah, attention. You know, I was like straight out of The Handmaid's Tale at every turn, like this is it. It's over the world is ending, you know. I was just out of hand. My rage was so high, and I would wait. I would watch CNN and and the MSNBC and be like,

when are they gonna do it? Like it was gonna happen any moment that they were going to drag him out of the White House, you know what I mean, like Saddam Hussein and throw him in something like I really believe that, like oh, like, oh, the shoe is about to drop any minute. So I went to this guy and I was paying him to let me bitch about Donald Trump. I would have paid him double. It was a great exchange actually, And then finally once we got passed kind of bluster, I he asked me what

I wanted and I said, I need more patience. I have no patience. Everyone annoys me, everyone, And he's like, do I annoy you? And like you will at some point you will annoy me. So I would like you to help me with that. And he goes, well, let's what's talk about your life and your child till it's like, I don't need to talk about my child. My brother died when I was nine. My mom's dad, she died like five years ago, tenure, I'm not sure of time, but every my dad's dying, so like that's I'm good

with death. I don't need to go over it like I want to talk about right now. I need to be a better human being and I need to be like kinder and I need to be able to talk to people who disagree with me without freaking out and my veins popping out of my neck. And then one day he walked in to a session and he handed me an orange that he said he had picked from his tree. And in that moment, he goes, hey, I thought you might like an orange. It's fresh from my tree.

And I I recoiled in my brain. I was like, oh, how annoying, like a fucking warm fruit? Who wants that? And like, now I have to peel it in front of him to be polite. This is l a. I don't even eat carbs, you know. And he handed it to me and I started to peel it, and I just became undone, and I was like, I needed to tell you about the day my brother died and what happened in my family, and and then I just cried

and cried and cried and cried. I was like, thank you real orange, you know, trying not to cry because I had never cried in front of a person, a stranger, no way, And if I did cry, I would always pretend it was about something else, because it couldn't be about me. It had to be or Chet, my brother who died. It couldn't be about that because it would be vulnerable, and I couldn't be vulnerable, and I couldn't talk to anybody about anything. I just had to be tough.

And after many sessions, he revealed to me how the world becoming unhinged with Trump was my trigger, which I'm sure millions of us had, and that that represented the world being unstable, in my life, not being safe anymore, and my whole world falling apart. And that's why I was reacting to Trump in the way that I was. Because I finally had something to put my anger on. I could say, yeah, now, and this is why I'm

at him, you know. And it was huge eye opener for me, because if you hear my story, you can say, oh, of course, that's your issue. That's why you're so fierce and tough and strong. I want to be independent. I don't want a man. I don't need a man. I want to I don't need children. I'm gonna show everybody I can do everything all by myself, um, because my nine year old little girl never ever dealt with that injury.

It just like a wound that became a canyon that became whatever is bigger than that, and any time you go around it or near it, it was like you know this. And he was the first person and it was the right time in my life where I was able to say, Okay, this is what happened in my family, this is what happened to my father I lost. You know, my brother sat with me the night before he went away, and he was the oldest and I was the youngest,

and we were bookends. There were six kids in our family, and we were a team, like it was in my head like that six. And if we brought my parents it was two. We usually didn't bring them because they were embarrassing. But the six of us were a little team. And Chet was the captain and I was the mascot. And he said to me the night before he left for that trip, you know, I go, why are you leaving?

I don't want to drive to the viney We're going to Martha's vineor My parents had a summer house and that sounds a lot more glamorous than it actually was, but it was idyllic in many respects. And he said, I I'm going hiking with my friends. He had just graduated from college. He said, I'm going hiking with my friends for two weeks. I'm gonna be on the vineyard in two weeks. You're not gonna miss a thing. I'm like, I don't want to drive with mom and dad. You know.

They listened to public radio and and he said, I'll never leave you with these people. I'll be back, and he never came back. So, as a nine year old, what Dan explained to me was that that felt like rejection. Even though I knew he died. I thought he wasn't careful enough and he didn't think enough before he went. He shouldn't have said the things he said to me if he knew he was going to die. And to me it was like he it was rejection. It was like losing my first boyfriend or being broken up with

and you never see that person again. And then after that, what happened to my father, who was also a great, big kind of character, he was never whole again. I mean, my my father has a lot of issues or had a lot of issues. Um anyway, he's dead too. Now. Everybody died when I was writing this book, but um, it's okay. It was time for him to die. But he he fell apart and he was never my father. When you know you have you said shiba, you know in Judaism, And people would come to our house to

say they were sorry. And I saw my father, who was this great, big strong man, be weak and cry and fall apart in front of our neighbors. And I was nine years old, and I was like, what are you doing? What are you doing? Why are you doing good? At together? You know what if you're gone, chet Scott and now you're falling apart. And everywhere I looked, everybody was a mess. And I remember just knowing that. I

was like, I'm gonna have to do this myself. I'm gonna have to grow up by myself, and I'm gonna have to grow myself up really quickly. So I have to get away from this family because we're broken, and we're broken and will never be six again. We're five,

and everyone's gonna know we're a fake family. And I have been caring that Albert cross around me for so long that when he unlocked that pain and when I started to I'd go home and I was like, wait a second, let me write this stuff down because doors were opening, and I was like everything was connected to Chet dying. I mean I would sit there and be like, this can't be about Chet too. He's like everything's about Chet. I was like, oh my god, this guy's taking over

my life. I barely knew the guy, you know. I mean it was like relationships men, my independence, my you know, my like just steamrolling through everything and saying yes to fame and all this money was because I didn't want to sit around and ever sit still. I'd go on tour after tour. I wrote six books in five years. Anytime there was like you do this, I'd be like, yes, yes to everything, instead of sitting and thinking, have I dealt with everything that I need to deal with? Am

I a full person? Can I? Actually? You know? What I wanted to do was go and campaign for people and speak to conservatives and go to the South. Like thinking was just like going to come in and change the world. But I realized, you can't do any of that ship until you're healthy. You can't be of use to anyone until you get your ship together. Okay, Well, this sounds like a good time to take a break.

And and uh, I mean it's first of all, let me just say it's it's just remarkable to hear somebody talks so openly about the pain that they went through, and it's it's uh yeah, yeah, because it's not easy to do. And it's a great example for everyone because we all have pain, you know, from our childhoods or from experiences. It's it's just it's fascinating. Do you to the kind of therapy that you did? Was we just did regular therapy. You know, we tried to get me

to meditate. And and again, you know, I'm from California and I live in l A. And I'm from New Jersey. So I don't have a I don't have a big high you know meter for bullshit. I find most people to be ridiculous us. And when you hear words like manifest and gratitude and colonic and you know, and Kale, I mean, if you fall for that ship, you know, you could end up. You know, there's retreats and about anything.

There's a treat where you can like go finger blest yourself in the woods and eat yogurt, you know, I mean there's something for everything. It's just ridiculous, and I always put I'm sorry, Jake, that was a nice to do to you. Never heard anybody say that to me in an interview situation before. No, I've never said that to you. That's good, that's a good thing, and I'm sorry you have to hear it right here in front

of everybody. That's right, exactly manifest your masturbation. Anyway, I assume therapy was over in that pile of garbage, like, oh, how could you, especially for somebody you know who has success. I have a TV show, I have books, I have toured I do you know, I basically have everything I could need. How can I sit and go to therapy and bitch and complain about anything? How can I a b It's too narcissistic. I'm already a narcissist obviously, so let's not put a hat on a hat. Well, hold on,

Dan Siegel says, you're not a narcissist. No, he says, I'm not. But I mean I have to be a little bit of a narcissist who want to be in the public eye. I think that I'm not a narcissis where I act in my best favor all the time, or I'm constantly thinking about myself. But I mean there's a degree of narcissism. I mean, Dan he told me a lot of other things that were wrong with me, so I think he was trying not to pile off.

But I did look at therapy and I kind of fummed my, you know, I was just like uh, and I went. I would go and try, you know, give it like a college tryer or whatever, and be like any time it got deep, I just skedaddle. And once I went to this therapist and I just could tell I was going to be able to manipulate him and he was and I was like, this isn't gonna work. And I told my assistant. I came one day. She's like, I don't forget your therapy at you know four today.

I was like, oh, I don't want to go today. Can you just go? And and she's like okay. And then the next week I was like, you know, you get out of a rhythm, you're not gonna go back. I was like, you want to go again? I'm not into that guy. And she's like, well, I don't have to go, and I'm like, no, you go. I might want to go back to him, just take my session, and then she went three times and finally I said, so, how's it going, Like I go, how are you doing?

Like is he helping you? And She's like me, I thought I was talking about you the whole time. And I was like, okay, this is stupid. So she stopped going to that therapist, and so did I. So this was the first time. I guess it's psychoanalysis or whatever the phrase the term is. He's a psychiatrist. Um, this is the first time I was willing to get real or maybe because I have the right partner to get

real with. And I think for most of us, you know, I'm yeah, it's it's a bummer that it took me this long to figure all this stuff out and kind of unlock my pain and my you know, because it's a lifelong habit, it sends you into I talked to him about relationships and I said, I don't need to I'm not interested in relationship. I'd just like to be alone. And he's like, any time I would say his statement like that, he would just look at me and go okay.

And then when we did talk about relationships and my kind of scorched earth tendencies I have with people. When somebody would piss me off, I would just write them off. I'd be like, you're not my friend anymore, You're out. Never speak to them again. Guys, if they didn't sunk up, I made sure they sucked up so I could dump them, you know, reject, reject, reject before anyone could reject bit always. And I said to him, I go, I don't know why. I can't why I get so mad at people and

I'm not able to forgive them. And he said, because that's how you think relationships are supposed to end. Your first relationship that ended was you know, black and white. He was there one day and it was gone the next. So that's your pattern of behavior from when you're nine. And I'm like, oh, You're like, this is so stupid. How could I not pick up on that? You know, I'm sure a million people were looking at me or my friends saying, oh, we know what her problem is,

but you don't. You can't tell someone what their problem is, obviously, but I will say that, you know, through all of the stuff that our family has been through, and with my brothers and sisters, it is just of such value to us and keeping us a tight knit group and being close together, and we just are together as a team that is broken, but we have remained on each other's team and that is so valuable to everybody here who has a weird relationship with the sibling. Fucking fix it.

Life's too short and and it takes a big person to admit you're wrong, And but it feels awesome because then you can just apologize to everybody's like, oh was me? You can It's like going skiing and blaming everything on the altitude, you know, like, sorry, I acted like that last night. The altitude you have? You have one brother

and the three sisters or what is it? We have two brothers and I have two sisters and uh yeah, and they have a bunch of kids, so I have a lot of nieces and nephews eight and uh yeah. That's our family and I'm finally proud of it. So and you you write some really nice things about your brothers and sisters. Um, speaking of family, I would be remiss if I didn't mention your dogs, because I'm sure there are a lot of fans of your dog. Give us, give us the update, Give us the dogo update. If

you would. Well, I have a dog's named Bert and Bernice. They're on the cover of the book. Bert is obest fat one, he's on the right, and that's his little sister, Bernice at Bertrand is his full name. And I didn't give those names to them. I went to pick him up at this I went to a chow chow rescue. I like the black tongue situation, so I went to and I like fucked up bodies on dogs. So I went to this chow rescue in northern California, and I said,

I want a chow mix. Show me what you got, and then she goes, I have a brother and sister combo platter that you know. And I was like, combo platter. I'm like, you're speaking my language. I was like, what do you What does it does that think when I'm thinking? And then these two little fat beasts came running around the corner because she said they're gonna be harder to place because their brother and sister. I was like, oh,

then I'll take them. I'm like, I don't even She goes their names are Burt and Bernice, and I literally was like, I mean, I almost climax. I was like, oh my god, what those their names already, like, that's exactly what I want to name. Then, so and then she goes, we have to do what we're gonna have. Didn't she didn't know who I was, and she like, we're gonna have to do a home check. And I was like, all right, whatever that means. I was like, I think you're good, and she's like, we have to

make sure you have enough space. I'm like, can I just show you a picture in my house or something like? Is that necessary? But I did it, and I got these dogs. And I've had dogs before and they've passed. The two of them died while I was running this book. To this book is like a death rattle, but but it's but it's okay. Now, it's okay. People die and you have to just to be able to deal with it in a healthy way. And my healthy way was

by replacing those two dogs as quickly as possible. And so Bert is an asshole, and I've never had to work for a dog's love before, and so I took these dogs home. First of all, I shaved his body down so I could see what was really going on and get under him, you know, because he's meeting. He's got flaps inside flaps and underneath. I mean, it's like I love that dog and he hates me because I

assault him, you know. And he loves my cleaning lady ma bo all and he so he he like literally sees me every time I leave the house, and I'm gone a lot because I don't stay home. I like to move around, as we've discussed, and when I come home every single time, it's like a new introduction, like he just goes like this, like what and I'm like, oh, come on, so come on, you know me, And then

they won't come up to my room. And I'd like to sleep with him in my bed because he's such a big cuddle ball, and so I have to take them with leashes every night up the little up the stairs and then up the dog he stairs, and then I get him because he's so lazy. If he gets comfortable enough, if he won't get up for hours. So I just have to get him comfortable and then slowly remove the leash. So I'm not only because of the optics of it, because I don't want to sleep with

my dogs with a leash. I have no problem bringing them up, but I will not let people say that I sleep with my dogs on a leash, so they're not bad into me, but it's a good lesson for me to try. He loves my any lady, follows her all around the house. One weekend I came home. We found out he had gained twelve pounds since we got him. And I was like, hey, my belt, what the funk is up with that? And I knew because he was in love with her. I'm like, I know you're giving

him treats. I I was following the rules for the first time when we got them. I'm like, no treats. He's on a diet and she's slipping him god knows what. And I said, they need to. He needs to lose weight because I have stairs in my house, and you know, he's a big, fatass, so he's gonna lose his legs when he gets older. He's a big dog. I'm like, well, I'm not doing this again. I lost my dog. Chunk wouldn't be able to he wasn't able to come up the stairs anymore when he got older and he was thin,

and um, people here love Chunky. Chuck is the best. Chunk is the best dog in the world. Thank you. Chunk was such a such a stud and he was so cool, calm and collected, you know. And Bird is the opposite of Chunk. And I know Chunk if there is such a thing as heaven, which I don't think there is, but Chunk somewhere around here, and he knows and he's he's thing. At my struggle with Bert and um,

and so we had to go on a diet. So I came back one weekend and my my bell was walking around the house with ankle weights and Bert had ankle weights to match hers. And when they walk, my cleaning lady has like a big butt and she swings her hips and then Chunk I mean, and then Bert would walk next to her and swing his ass. The two of them walking away together. It was like j Lo and Kim Kardashian. So yeah, that's my story about

my dogs. But dogs are the best they make. But like you know, I won't go home to a house without a dog in it too scary. No, No, we have we have dogs too. Um. I know you wanted to read another chapter before the time is coming to a close. We have a clock that's telling us we have a minute. So I just wanted to read something before um I leave you guys. Um. This is when I had my kind of wake up at the end about my brother. I didn't know then that my brother's

death was defining me. I didn't know that I had the ability to say no to being defined by death. Now I was a person who could help. Now I was with a person who could help me process what happened and turn the parts of me that acted like a nine year old into a self actualized adult who had come to a better understanding of what it means to dig deep and admit your pain, thereby beginning the process of relinquishing it. I was in a place where my brother dying no longer had to define my existence.

It's part of who I am, perhaps the biggest part, but and it may have helped me steer me in a certain direction, but it is not all of me. I define me. No event or person does this. I define who I am. I decide who I am and how I'm going to behave and I choose to be better to look more carefully, to trudge deeper, to think about other people's past, and not judge on one for doing or handling something differently than I would to understand

my limitations, my shortcomings. That is my growth edge. There are bracelets that say I decide and T shirts that say I decide out there because we decide who we are. And I want to thank you for deciding to come here tonight, and thank you my very special guest, Jake Tapper. Thank you guys, Thank you, Washington, d C, stay Optimistic, thank you. So how did it feel having JK and DC getting to circle back to politics after taking some

time off. Well it was nice because well, I guess we did talk about politics, but we didn't really go It was nice to be in d C into talking about something other than politics is what it felt like. Um, even though we brushed upon it. So it was nice. And I mean I like d C. And you know, until Donald Trump ruined that city, it was it. I like it. It's old, it's old school. We'll get it back soon, I think, just like we're gonna get the

orange back, Brandon, We're gonna take that color back. And Journey, I mean, Journey is popping up. We're on your social media, so you've really just got to I've got embraced the Journey and the band Journey, and I want to thank CNN for letting Jake Tapper out of his cage. I can't believe that they did that, and I know they'll regret it. Thank you, Life will be the Death of

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