Welcome to couples Counseling with Chelsea hand job. I'm here with my friends Yah Yah and Sam and we're back with Sam and ya Ya for a couples counseling. So I have to pick again you guys.
I yes, yeah, No me and a mean or we're talking about that because she was just like, yeah, you know, like you're mean, and I was like, when have I ever been mean to? She's like, well, you know you're coming room and it's like you don't know what you're on. You might just come room and say what up and just keep it moving. I'm like, so I'm not in the move to do more than that that day. I'm
here to do my job. Sometimes you know what I'm saying, and it's just like, good to see you, but I'm in my own those lunch won't do my little one Tuesy. I'm tired of whatever. I'm out, but I say it up. It's like, I'm like, why do niggas need that?
What do you? What do you?
I think it may be because y'all are entertainment too, that people just expect you to always be on. I can't speak for you, but I know for me because I'm always like, that's what I always expect me to be on so I'm.
Not like you said, And it's like I feel that way.
I feel like a lot of times when we're running to other people are like, aren't you supposed to be the comment? Aren't you supposed to be the one that's like jove y'all and trying to make me laugh and try, and my lack of interest in doing that makes them think that I'm like a bitch, and it's like, no, I'm just why.
Do I need to do that?
I don't know, girl, Thanks boy, I don't know, but you need to make me laugh on the second.
I do make you laugh all the time.
I laugh right now.
You're actually my favorite person's entertained.
Okay, well go ahead, Bojangles. Do you think.
That's when I'm happiest.
When I'm in the house alone and your cackling your ass off, I feel the funniest.
So, I don't know. I've always liked me being silly for you.
I like it when you're silly for me.
I always enjoy I like being.
Silly bonding while I'm gone while the counselors at the back in.
The bathroom, we do better without you.
I know, I'm most couple of Thank you guys for being so open and sharing so much. I think our listeners are really going to enjoy it. By the way, thank you for my slides, my Louis Vaton slides that I called Wiki or Fendi or whatever. I want you to know that I wear those whenever I get a pedicure and around my house, and I got and every time someone sees me and these Louis Vaton slides, they're like, are you fucking wearing Louis Vaton slides? They're like, Chelsea,
that couldn't be less you. I'm like, I fucking love these slides. And then I left them in LA and realized yesterday I didn't have them in my suitcase, so they sent them and I got them today, she takes to Mayorca. Yeah, I fucking love them. That's good.
I'm glad.
And I still have the video of you walking in with the DHL box at the dinner. Okay, let's talk speaking of Louis Vaton, let's talk who's in charge of the finances and who spends the most money.
Now you already know Sam is in charge of the finances.
In charge or does she make the money and then you oversee the money?
No, I do not oversee the money.
Sam has a business manager who oversees the money.
And how does that work for.
You, Joe?
So I also I also oversee the money. I'd just like to put that out there.
Well, yeah, I'm not saying that.
I'm not saying that I'm also overseeing the money.
I'm not just letting this guy.
Unlike me, who's not overseeing any of my money. I don't know what the fuck is going on. I'm just like, tell me when I need to work and when I cannot work. Okay, So is it an area of discord between you two? Absolutely, yes it is. What is it?
I mean, it's not for me.
I would say, we.
Just had a whole therapy session about it. So I think it's a thing, Okay. I think it's fair to say the thing for you, Okay.
Not for me.
Tell us what you're saying.
I'm saying. I think it is.
There is a power imbalance that plays out, and I think it mostly stems from the fact that I am the sole provider financially, and I think that power in balance bothers you as well.
Sometimes.
Yeah, so I can say, I think it is an issue for both of us. I think it's an issue.
It's not like a come all, be all think to me.
But I think it is different because we first met, I had the money and Sam did not, and I was the business owner. And then when we got back together this last round, I saw, like I don't have I sold my business, so I'm totally dependent on Sam.
So the dynamics are totally different.
Yeah, that must be strange, but I mean.
The dynamics are also totally They're just totally different, right, Like because at the time when we first met, I wasn't living with you.
You weren't living with me.
You just made more money than me, and like I was too broke to take you on dates, so we would just hang out and fucking your house and like that was the extent to which we dealt with money. Whereas now we're like living together, paying bills together. That's like a whole nother you know, cares different.
And do you give her an allowance? Do you have something?
I'm on payroll?
Girl, I worked for my allowance, but you're not gonna.
Do with.
Isn't that a sex worker?
I said that.
I said that, but I said, I wor for it. You don't I do. You're lying I do only.
Reason you're on payrolls for taxes and you know it. You don't for I don't.
I don't support you.
I don't cook, I don't clean. You don't cook or clean or anything it. Oh I thought yeah I was a good house. Well, bitch, I thought you said I don't cook.
I don't.
I'm saying no, I'm asking her like I don't.
I'm I do.
I work for my allowance.
That's working for you.
Yes, I work hard.
Yeah?
Are you cooking and cleaning?
That's just like taking care of those.
Yeah, but that's what that's what she lives there. I know.
But you can't like if I clean my own room, I worked.
Well, then go ahead and do it. Go clean.
We also have made so well, So come.
On, man, anything, how many do you have?
Well, they just come clean once to like once af Now don't really, it's once every two weeks.
She bumped it up. She had to bump it up. She's like, listen, I'm getting sick of this cleaning.
I don't think cleaning your own house and cooking food in your own house is work.
I'm sorry. I just don't.
All right, I beg to differ.
But that's not work. You're not working. You're like maintaining where you live.
I'm maintaining our life where we live.
That's not working. That is work.
You're making your house nice and cozy and comfy so you can come home.
And that's not like working.
That is work.
That's maintaining.
Minimizing. That's you know, you're minimizing the whole segment of people. What about the moms of the world that are home and and doing stuff.
That's that's work.
You're not a mom. We have no chance I have. You have a cat, I have to take care of. Your cats are gone. It's just what that's your friend, That's what I'm saying. You're just hanging out with your friend. You like that's your child, Like fancy.
You like hanging out him. You don't go to bed without calling him and making him come.
But that's your cat.
No, that's our cat.
You rock with him, yes, but I'm so so hanging out with your cat is not You can't babysit your own kid.
I'm saying is like you know what I'm saying.
All I'm saying is that' don't minimize what I do I work on I'm not minimizing it. I think what you do is absolutely amazing and I really appreciate how it contributes to our hushold in our life.
And I'm not minimizing.
I'm just saying it's not work, you're just maintaining your life.
It's an interesting debate. I'm sure I really can't weigh in because I don't have a spouse or a child, and I don't do anything for myself, so I can't really weigh in on this. I think it would be nice, since we're closing our sessions together to hear your advice for people who are getting into relationships. What you think it takes to maintain a long term healthy relationship, Like what is the most important ingredient.
I would say the most important ingredient is communication and being vulnerable with your partner, because you have to expose yourself and it's hard to do that long term because when you first meet somebody or your first dating, y'all aren't really being your authentic selves. You're being a version of the person that you think that they want. And then once you get to know the person and your your most authentic self, you have to let all all the shit go that you came with, all the baggage.
You got to let that go and just be there for your partner and communicate to your part what I'm trying to think, Like, no, you're saying right, I mean, you're saying so dope.
Well you just like just be your bitch.
Yacause that's what it is.
You have to communicate and you have to let all the other shit go. You can't bring in all the stuff that you went through in your life, because everybody has traumas and experiences that they bring into a relationship. But if you want to have a healthy relationship, you have to get to the root of all of your traumas and all the things that fucked you up as a person. So you don't bring that into relationship. You can just be the best version of yourself for that person.
And do you think you can get rid of that and your trauma without therapy?
Absolutely not. I know I couldn't, So I can't. I couldn't, So I can't speak for anybody else.
I know I could. What about you?
No, there was definitely voices could I wouldn't have gotten too without therapy, And I think I do a lot of my own work really well. Like I'm one of those people who maybe three years ago would have been like you only therapy, spending the time with yourself, you digging deep enough, you could probably you know, excavate most of this shit because I've done it. But once I did do therapy because of what we were going to do in our relationship, I don't think I ever would win.
Otherwise I never would have went for myself. But you saying like, we have to go if we're gonna keep doing this was the only reason I even ended up there. But once I was there, I have to say things that I landed on with my brother and all that I would have never it. Never, I never would have went there. I don't think my brain would have allowed me to go there.
So yeah, and what do you think the most important thing to have a long sustainable relationship is patience?
Patience?
If you just patience, It's like, if you're gonna really be with someone, then you have to accept you're gonna be multiple versions of them in that time span. Who they are when you first get together is not who they're gonna be later. They're gonna go through things, they're gonna change as a results of the things that they go through, they're gonna need different things, And it's like giving people space to change.
Like a chance to change or space to change.
Space Like if you're really gonna be with someone forever and say they hit a slump, say they hit a depression, say something happens in their life, and now you're with somebody, and it's like that ain't who you started out with, and this might not even be a person that you like that much. If you're gonna be with them, it's supporting them and being patient too that so that they can get to the person that's on the other side of whatever that is.
And that's like giving them space.
It's like not requiring them to hurry up and figure it out, not requiring them to just go back to what they were, not requiring them to tell you what the fuck is wrong, because maybe they don't even all the way know, but just like allowing them the space and being supportive, and sometimes you have to do that shit from a distance to get there whatever it is that they're getting, you know, which might be a whole other person most likely than the person they were before
or the person they are in the shit and then it's like patients with that.
Yeah, because sometimes people can change so drastically within a relationship that they're not even recognizable to as the person that they were in the beginning. And in that case, there could be an argument for like, when you're not even the same person, it's not like you're there's this evolution, it's you're a completely different person. Absolutely, you know, because of whatever circumstances.
Yeah, absolutely, And what do you.
Think, y'all? Y'all like if you had to name something that you've learned through your relationship about yourself, the most powerful thing you've learned about yourself to adjust your own behavior, or something that you didn't know you had.
What is that?
ADHD?
I'm so serious ADHD. I was diagnosed with ADHD. I think that was the most transformative thing for me in this relationship. And if she didn't like, I would see things and be like, oh, I think I got that shit, and she'd be like nah, no, maybe, But when she'd hit the fan, her saying hey, I think you may you may really have that. You may want to go talk to someone, and me going to see well, talking to my therapists and then seeing a psychologist and getting
clinically diagnosed with ADHD. I think was the biggest game changer for me because it made me see why I was doing things, how I was doing things why, Like it just everything aligned once I understood that, because I understood my more.
And what were the things that you were able to identify that you were doing as a result of having an undiagnosed ADHD.
Well they were first they were misdiagnosed me saying that it was a depression or anxiety and this that, and the third when it was really just untreated ADHD. So it was like kind of like the same symptoms but just in different ways. So even with our house, trying to complete our house and design our house, I would start tasks like start wall papering and then do one
room and then not finish the other room. But it was just because I got bored because I had already started that, So then I would just start another task in the house. So there it was like a whole bunch of different tasks that weren't completed. So then me finding out that I have ADHD, I figured out why I wasn't completing the task. I was getting bored quickly, so I'd moved onto something else. So now I just make a list and now all the things are completed.
So it works.
Now, are you on medication for ADHD?
No?
Oh you're not.
No, I'm not on medication.
Oh okay, So you can combat ADHD without taking.
Yes, yes you can. You don't have to be on medication.
How well, that's just what works for me and what my psychologists and what my therapist felt was best for me, that I didn't need to be medicated.
I'm not saying all.
The follow them like workarounds.
You're like some people are able to develop work around So what she'll do is just like implement systems around the house that structure her where the structure doesn't exist, which is why I have to clean up after stam where I don't see my mess, but I see her mess because I have to clean it up because I know the ill pal up if I don't get it out the way right.
Have you noticed a big difference between.
Yeah, she finishes things like before there would just be like you know, wallpaper just hanging off different.
Walls all over the house.
And then I'll know in my heart, like by the time she gets back to this room, she gonna want it to be a whole nother wallpaper because she don't dalied, so like constantly, we weren't having a complete experience. It was just like everything's going to change, which is wild for me because I grew up fucked up, so I like consistency because.
I did not have consistency.
So like the constant change for me was like basically like sowing the feeling of instability, Like I don't even have a place because everything just changes. And then my stuff usually is in his closet and I was happy there, and now I'm in a closet up in the third floor, so it's like damn, so now I get used to that. Now I'm in a closet downstairs, So I'm like, is this really my house? Or do I just get put wherever I get put? And I'm not allowed to get
acclimated with anything. And like I was taking that so personally, but I had to realize, like it's not even nothing to do with me, Like she's just.
Well, that's what my Jenny and Jason, who are doing this too. Jenny said something which I thought was very profound. She was saying, like whatever your partner is upset about usually has nothing to do with you, like, even when they think it's about you, it's really not. And that's something important to remember because it's so fucking true. The whole reason we have any discord is because people take
things personally. Yeah, And if everyone was like, yeah, whatever, he's in a bad man, he's a fucking asshole, Fine, who cares? Like everyone would just be kind of gliding around a little more easily.
Yeah, because it's super not personal, and you know it isn't personal. And that's why I think it's important to like tell your person like your trauma, because the truth is you're not gonna get rid of it. Like I'm not ever gonna just be over this shit that happened to me when I was younger.
But if I could tell you, like, hey, the.
Reason I react like this over socks isn't like just because I'm crazy over socks. It's like some fuzz shapp to me, YadA. So when you do that it makes me feel like that. It literally puts me right back in that mental space and then I become reactionary from that place and that's why it's coming off irrational.
But she also is crazy over socks.
Let's speak, it sounds like it but that does sound like a deeper issue.
You're wild and reckless over socks. Mismatch them, any socks. You don't care if this socks match. You don't care about that. You don't care. Don't put a medium like link sock with a low sack, so it's nuts.
I'm not don't. We don't wait to handle socks.
We don't have time for this bullshit. I'm not gonna sit here and talk about socks. We're gonna wrap it up and thank you, yah yah and Sam. Yeah yeah. I still think you need your own podcasts. Are you ready to do something like I am?
I think I am brady, And what would.
You do it about? Let's brainstorm.
I don't know, let's think about it.
I think maybe you should be giving advice to people too.
So maybe okay, I'm down.
I mean I feel like we need to think about it in brainstorm.
Like you know what I was doing counseling when I had a salon, so it's kind of like the same.
Well, that is fucking counseling. That's also why I don't go to a salon because I don't want to fucking have to talk to somebody in a hair salon. Okay, we'll be introducing a new set of set of triplets next week. You can check out Sam Jay who is on tour now in cities all over the country and she's fucking funny. If you haven't seen her on The Roast or on her own special, then go watch both of those her specials on HBO Max now known as Max.
And then you can follow Yaya at Vanity dot Vixen on Instagram and TikTok and it is worth the follow because she's up to some well shenanigans. I mean, you'll understand what I'm talking about.