Hi Catherine, Hi Chelsea. How are you well.
I mean, I'm pretty good. I'm in New York City, as you know, and I well, I had a fun weekend. I went to Syracuse, New York to film this movie. I did a cameo in this movie where I played the mother to an Asian boy. So I guess that's from my relationship with Jokoy. Maybe I don't know, but it was a surprise when I met him, which you know,
it was great. And then I came down to the city because I have shows this weekend, and there is a fire in Canada, and they are telling people in New York City not to go outside and to limit your time outside because the air quality is so bad. It is so ominous looking in the city, and it is what I imagine it must have looked like after nine to eleven. There is this like smoke and haze
that is just covering the city. It is brown like, it is a light that I have never seen, and it is very apocalyptic.
Do you feel it like in your lungs when you're outside.
Well, I'm not outside because you can't really, I'm just getting driven back and forth from one thing to the next. So yeah, it's really really scary, and this is what our future is going to be, like a bunch of fires and smoke and not being able to go outside for days at a time.
Yeah.
And on that note, what's going on with you, Catherine?
Well?
I am currently recording from a car because my power went out, So here we are. We're just you know, the show must go on.
I feel like the world is ending right now and may may end during this recording.
That's absolutely true. Luckily, my mom came to visit this last week and we had a lovely time. We just did super girly stuff like shopping, We got our nails done, we got our hair done, picked out some makeup, bits of Laura. It was a doorball.
It was just that's nice. Yeah, that's cute. I'm glad.
Yeah, So what's your weekend?
Well, I'm gonna go see a play tomorrow night that I'm excited about. Oh no, it's not a play, it's a girl's stand up show. My friend Natasha Leone is directing this show. So she texted me and she was like, we need people to come and I was like, oh okay, So I'm rallying the troops and I'm gonna go see that tomorrow. I love watching other stand ups when I don't.
Know them amazing, you know what I mean.
I love watching new stand up. It's like so aspiring because all those people that we've had on like Osco Mateo, it's so nice to be around them and spend time with them. Like I have this whole group of like young comics in my life that I just love being around because it just is so original. You're you're around newness, you know what I mean. I love newness. I like anything new. But it's been so nice to be Like one of them was like, you've been such a supporter
of us. I'm like, you don't know how much you guys are giving me. You're giving me my kind of oomph and stand up too, like being around people who are fresh and excited about it and new about it.
And doing something different and have a different vibe.
Yeah, Vanessa my number one, my number one stunner who opens for me on all my tour dates and if you've seen me on Little Big Bitch tour or or actually vaccinated in Horny, she was with me too. Because now we're in because I've declared her to be my daughter and I'm her mother. She's my e hut. I gave birth to her when I was twelve. And yeah, that's what I've got going on. Girl.
Oh.
We added some more stand up dates too. We added Portland, Boston, added second shows in Portland, Boston, Los Angeles and some other cities. But anyway, there's lots of second shows and I won't I'm gonna try because of scheduling, because I have something after this tour. If there are tickets available in your city and you want to come to the show, by them, because I probably won't be adding second shows again because of scheduling.
You got some traveling to do this summer.
Oh that's right, girl, I'm gonna getting ready. I'm gonna get my condoms ready, Chelsea.
I am having a little bit of a problem at home. You know, I've got these two puppies and they are siblings, and let's just put it this way. Laddie and Wendell really like to hump. They like to hump, they like to be humped. There's like a whole there's a lot like Mimsy's even gotten in on the action. But what is actually like the worst thing is that sometimes Lottie will like try to bite Wendell's penis and he gets
really really into it. I don't know whether just to like let them be dogs or to try and break it up. I usually like ask them to stop, but it's they just wrestle in this way that's really uncomfortable for me.
I don't know what to say about that. I don't know what happens with sexual assault among dogs. How you handle such things?
I know, and I'm like, you're literal. He loves it. It's it's actually horrifying. He'll like put his little paw on the back of her head and like go crazy.
It's why she's giving him a blowjob, exactly.
It's and then sometimes like Mimsy will get behind Lottie. This sounds like I'm making it up, but it's really like there's so much simulated sex going on in my household, and I'm really uncomfortable with that.
Oh oh, I don't want to see my dogs have sexy though. Her niece is with us today though, right, she's nice for your niece. Are you a sexy object to me? Because she's such a ball of fluff. She was so excited to come for a ride today.
She is incredible and She's just like a peach. She's just sitting down there being.
A doorable, I know. And then my little and then my houseman Felix, who is diminutive, so he is little. He just texted me and said, where's Bernice? Do you have her? That's that's what's going on in my house. She's just at okay, do you know where you are?
You's still your own dog today. No, she is incredible.
I wouldn't react well if somebody was going down on her or she was going down on someone else. I wouldn't like that at all, especially if it were brothers sister action. No, but the dogs aren't really related, just the other two just a little too.
But MIMSI she has never humped another dog in her whole seven years, but she like loves to hump Lottie. And it's just a lot. It's just a lot.
Yeah, it sounds like it.
Well, speaking of sex simulated or otherwise our guests today is pretty exciting.
She's the host of the award winning number one sexuality podcast which is called Sex with Emily. It's been on the air for nearly two decades, and you can pre order her book, which is called Smart Sex How to Boost your Sex IQ and Own your Own Pleasure that comes out June thirteenth, and she brought a lot of toys for both of us, Catherine, so we can just all go after this. We usually thrupple up because that's her husband over there, and I have intercourse with both
of them on the regular good time. We're all Mennonites, so that's what we practice. Okay, So Emily, Hi, nice to see Chelsea.
I'm so happy to see you.
You're all about sex and how to have healthy sex, whether you have a partner or whether you don't exactly talk to us about what you discuss in your new book.
Okay, my new book called Smart Sex, How to Boost your Sex IQ and Own Your Pleasure. So for twenty years I've been talking to people about sex and dating love. And I started this because I was having bad I was faking orgasms until I was like in my mid thirties.
I think we've all been faking orgasms. I mean, as a young person, I faked orgasms all the time because I didn't have It's too hard to explain to somebody what to do you don't know them that well. It's not coming casual sex with someone. It's just like, now, as a woman, I know what to say that's good. As a younger.
Person, I wasn't even young. I was in my mid thirties though, Chelsea. I was like, I was having a lot, and I just thought that it was I thought it was just me. I didn't realize this was like almost twenty years ago, and I realized that nobody was talking about sex, and so I started a podcast and started interview people out their sex life, a relationship, went back
to school, got my doctorate. But then I realized, now, after all these years, it was a lot of the same questions every single day, from people saying, how do I have an orgasm?
Which all with my penis.
People want a quick fix when it comes to sec They're like, can I can I buy a vibrator and that's gonna help me?
Can I use lube?
That might help you? But what this book is really about is that sex as wellness. Sex has always been like the bastard child of the health and wellness industry. They're like, oh, sex should just be something that magically works for you. But I created these five pillars of sexual health and wellness. For example, one is embodiment, like am I in my body during sex? My health infects it as well, like if I'm at a certain medication, I'm gonna be dry, I'm a certain time of life.
So the book kind of walks you through all these pillars. So it's embodiment embodies being like in this moment, I'm feeling like it's not a meditation stuff too, because most of the questions I get asked people are like, I'm distracted during sex, I can't really feel I'm numb, I'm fantasizing by someone else, which all that happens, and it's that's a terrible thing, but when we really want to be connected and have great sex, like my quest is like,
what does just great sex mean? And so I realized that the pillars are like being in your body, even if it's just for a minute, saying okay, like I'm looking at my part or I'm looking in their eyes or breathing together, my hands are on their body, like usually we are just kind of somewhere else. So one of the pillars is like, can I be present even for a minute. And I know you meditate, I mightitate as well. Sometimes I just kind of think if I'm
distracted and fantasizing about something else. I just kind of take my five senses and I'll say, what am I smelling right now?
What am I hearing?
Right now?
I'm feeling my hands on their body, and it immediately grounds me in the moment. So I has some of those practices. One of the top questions is why can't I have an orgasm during sex? It could be medication undertaking, it could be trauma, and he'll trauma. So this kind of helps people realize it, like, oh, if I had trauma twenty years ago or something happened to me that might be impacting my ability to orgasm, or I might be on the birth control pill, I might be on
a ninety depressant. And the weird thing is, Chelsea, people don't make those connections because sex is sort of siloed into this area where like, well, it was amazing at the beginning, why can't it always be wonderful? And so I kind of help people figure out, like, no, it could be your birth control, it could be your blood plessure, medication. So that's the second one. The third one is self knowledge,
like how well do I know myself? Like I know that if I walk into with my partner or any partner. I walk into the house and it's like freezing cold. If it's messy, if I still have shit in my mind, I'm not going to be aroused and turn on and ready for sex. Like I kind of run through my pillars and diagnose myself. Sometimes we're like, why are I turned on and ready to go? Because I think we're Do you ever feel like you're not in the move for sex and you don't know why?
Yes, all the time, So this is gonna happen.
I mean we're in a relationship. Especially that happens I think more frequently than it does when you're in sane exacting after a year.
Sex right, and most people I think after a while they don't want to in a relationship. And I and we think that we should just be turned out like a drop of hat like and then we're not. So I think about like if it's yeah, like things are a mess, it's freezing in my house. I don't feel great in my body. I have an exercise, so that's
one thing. Then other ones like self acceptance, and that's like confidence, like how do I feel like when you walk around all day and I'm sure I know you hear this from people if we hate our bodies, like we're like, oh, GOI I don't feel great. I don't want to be naked in front of anybody. Why do we think we're gonna be able to like strip down, get naked and be ready to go if all day long, I am like not feeling good about it. So I have like mantra and things people can do to feel
a little more confident. I just realize that's one area that I got to work out. And the fifth one is collaboration, and that's the that's the big one. Like most people Chelsea do not talk about sex to their partners at all, and they expect them to be mind readers. And I have a lot of tools how to awkward conversations about sex because again, people just expect like it's
just good to be great. And I teach people how to have like give feedback, like you've ever been with someone and you're like, it's just really I wish that they would go down anymore. For example, I wish they would kiss me slowly. Why they pounding away me like a jackhammer?
Again?
How do I tell them to stop?
And so I have tips for like talking about your fantasies and making it hot.
Yeah, because I think what most people come up against. I think is the pressure of when you're in a long term relationship and the honeymoon period has worn off, and you expect sex to remain or be the same as it was in the beginning. It's very unlikely that that stays the same. Although there are exceptions to everything, I guess the dialogue is the real crucial component because people aren't easily able to express what they want from
a partner. That's for fear, mostly of hurting that person's feelings. Exactly right, It's all fear based. We are so afraid that we are going to be unlovable, that a partner's going to reject us. That most people are mute and.
They silently walk through sex because we always go back to the honeymoon phase, which is a biological condition. It lasts six months to two years. In every relationship, that will be the hot of sex. Like, I'm sorry to say, you're never going to go back to that stage where you can't wait to rip each other's clothes off. But most of us are so attached to that phase that we're like, well, I got to get back to that, and I want people to know like you're not. It's
never going to be as great as it was. However, we can kind of hack that. Essentially, this is getting people to think about, like what can I do if I know I got to work on my arousal. I got to figure out how to tell my partner that this is what I need to be turned on. And it might be a toy, it might be lou it might be getting to like stop talking or whatever it is. And so it just kind of like hack your own arousal because we know sex is important.
I had an interesting situation where somebody once wherever, they were very aggressive with me, not in a sexy way,
like in a slobbery way. And this was somebody I dated for a little bit, you know, and we had a lot of great chemistry and we had great sex, but there were times where this person would just over and kiss me like you know, too much, like yeah, And I couldn't figure out the right language of how to address it because it was like it was just sloppy to me, like it wasn't romantic, it wasn't sexy. I felt like I was being too aggressive, like a face rape, like an attack, right and what I said
to the person was it was a him. What I said to him was, hey, give me space to come to you, like, let me come to you like I want to be initiated. I want to initiate. When you're kissing me like that, I can't kiss you back because I'm just receiving it hadn't over. I mean it went over. I was more. I mean it went over five.
He got it, well, no.
Because he got it in the moment, but he didn't get it long term.
This is the right, Okay, So this is like the long term solutions in here that you can continue to do. I always things like talk about outside the bedroom and not in the moment because since so I don't know about you.
I grew up with shame around sex.
I had no sex education, and I felt like if I had to bring up sex to my partner, they brought something to me. A lot of us at least I go in fight or flight, I'm like, what did do wrong? I'm a terrible lover. You hate my vagina, you hate my but and so just realize, like it's okay. We're not used to people talking about sex and kind of giving people tools to talk about like outside the bedroom.
We're not still got text in the bedroom.
Okay, the bedroom.
Is like it's too vulnerable. I'm like, save it for sleeping and for sex if you can. Well.
It's also like when you're fighting, it's better to talk about a fight sometimes after it's happened hot while you're in it, and like you just let that diffuse, and then after when you're both a little bit calmer, you can say, listen, this wasn't okay or blah blah blah. But yeah, sex is tricky because, yeah, people have a lot of issues around it and body and there are bodies and feeling confident. There's a lot of insecurity.
Yeah, exactly, there's the insecurity.
And also since nobody is really talking about if you think about it, we talk about it like yes, I had sex, I didn't have sex, but we're not really into like what is actually what do we actually need.
To be aroused and turned on?
Clearly there's a direction there and maybe they'll come in and I'm like, I'm not even I'm still finishing my work email, I'm not even ready to go, and then I'd feel like pressure to get turned on and aroused and I'm not, And then I realized in this book through myself knowledge and figuring out what I wanted. It's like, oh, I need to have downtime before I even see you.
I need to have showered. If I keep bringing this up because like I realized when my house is freezing now, like I will not be in the move for sex if it's dirty I have if the sheet someone else's sheets aren't clean. And so I've learned to like kind of hack my arousal if you will, so I know that all these things need to happen, and not like to be like high maintenance, but just take the pressure off myself that I'm always going to be.
Set yourself up to Yeah, and tell my partner that too.
Yeah.
Yeah, set your partner up for winning too. I mean, you're helping both of you when you're honest about your feelings. You're not demanding something. You're saying this is what I would prefer, this is what's going to help me get in the mood or be more attracted to you, or be more aptive to have sex.
One of the things that happens in our bedroom is I for a while was shamed by my husband for wearing socks during sex.
How does that all the time with all three of us actually, which is really appropriate.
It's true, it's true. But I just found it was like it makes me more comfortable, it makes me more I don't know. Maybe it's like I'm when I have to wear socks because my toks get cold. But then I finally read that women actually can have a higher likelihood of orgasming when they wear socks because you're you're not distracted by cold feet or whatever. The thing is the dirty sheets, the I'm the opposite.
I want my feet out and free because I don't like warmth. I see, like you're saying your house is gold, be gross, sut if I walked into the house as you war. Okay, this is what.
I'm saying is that everybody's different, but we assume that it should just work for us. So I had to like through this self knowledge, and I do give people in smart sex the step that I give like a question throople. They can say, do I know that I need to have had a conversation with my partner beforehand?
I need to have.
Done something fun with them, you have like physical touch or I need all of these certain things to happen because otherwise it's just the sex is gonna happen, so.
You know, and also people should be better at reading the room and see if it's an appropriate time, right like, and and if somebody's tired, exhausted, came home from the gym, is you know, like those aren't the moments to go in on someone and be like, oh, like you know, you have to be able to read your partner and see when they're open to that and when you should give them a little bit of space.
Yeah, exactly, and then figuring out figure out where they need to taste, but also figure out when is the right sex time for sex to happen. So like, I know that it's not gonna happen from me ten o'clock at night. Most nights, I'm exhausted, I'm a bad I'm doing my thing. I don't so my partner comes home late, they want have sex, so I'm reject. I'm like, no, that's not when I want to have sex. So then I had to figure out, well, when do I want sex?
Most partners have missmash the beidos like just to want to set that up. There is always in every relationship, there is the high desire partner and the lower desire partner, and unfortunately two high desire power and too low desired partners never come together.
They don't, so.
Then you got to like trouble shoot.
So if I to my partner, I'm like, don't even try because I don't want to feel bad rejecting you.
Again.
Let's figure out when it's going to happen. So I'm like, okay, made late afternoons is great, early Saturday mornings might be great, but all these other times aren't or even scheduling sex and people think that's the least sexy thing on the planettain.
People, that's probably exactly what they want, right, No what people right?
That's true, they could, but some po are like, I don't want to look at my calendar like pick up dry cleaning, pick up the kids, fuck my partner.
You don't want to see that.
But then you know, though Saturday night tonight, I can shave, I can breathe, I can clean the house, whatever the things you need to make sure that that night that you have sex, you can do all the whether it's fantasized, whether it's not going out beforehand, masturbatee, all the things you got into toys or charge so you can be ready and not leave it up for chance. And you
think that this seems obviously most people are. I get hundreds of questions a week from people, and that's the point I was like, I kind of just have people figure out themselves, because you guys can't talk. Don't you want to answer every email you get.
I do that idea, absolutely, and I can't.
And then it's the same things, and I'm like, this is going to help people smart sex. I'll help people go through the rubric of questions and be like, oh, this is why I can't get a mowner. This is why I'm not turned on. And so you know, I want to put the power in the people's hands if they crack their own codes of sexuality.
Yeah, because like it turns me on when I'm in a relationship and I go to the guy I initiate. That's a turn on for me. So when you're coming at me all the time, hitting on me all the time, try and have sex with me all the time, that is a turnoff. You know. I'm the type of person like when I'm meeting you, when you make the first move, yes, but once you're in a relationship, and that's how a lot of people feel like, well, I want it to
be my idea. I want to go to you like that's sexy to me, you know, giving them a look or putting your hand on them and like yeah, let's go. It's like and then you know, usually obviously the reception is good, but I would like to be able to do more of that, especially in my next relationship.
I want that good.
And so see, this is so good that you know that that's a self knowledge portion and most people don't even know that much.
They've never even thought about it.
But to be able to say to your partner in a loving one of all these ways that people can do, like their tone right and like timing and the tone to have these conversations, but to be able to say, you know what, I really love being the one that initiates. So it doesn't mean that like I don't want you initiate, but maybe like for the next few weeks or something like, that's going to be on me and I want you to know it's coming, but right now, for the next week, please don't initiate.
Well, there's this also this fallacy that if you talk about sex too much, you're losing like, you know, the sexiness of it. And I would argue that that's exactly the opposite of the truth. Like the more communication you have about anything, the more on the same page that
you and your partner can be. So the difficult conversations that may be challenging are worthwhile if you you know, if you gather up the courage to have the conversation, you're going to be rewarded with the results most likely.
Exactly, it can be hot, I mean, and that becomes because what we mostly crave in long term relationship is novelty and spontaneity and something new. And when you get over the shame the stress. In the book, I talk about this the pleasure thieves, which is stress, trauma, and shame. Those are the three things that are keeping us from having sex. Once you get over that, you're like, Okay, I'm going to get rid of my hang ups strong sex.
Talking about sex is actually becomes like fun. Like you're talking about like where you're going on summer vacation or where are we going to dinner? You're like, should we try this position? Should we try this new toy?
And it is hot, It's doesn't have to be like this.
I can't believe we talked about it too much, and now it's no longer hot. It's like the reverse happens.
Yeah, agreed, agreed.
Yay.
Wow, let's jump to some collars and solve some people's problem, shall we.
Okay, do we need to take a quick break.
Yeah, we'll take a quick break and we'll be right back with Emily and Chelsea.
And we're back.
We are back. Our first caller is Sarah. She says, Dear Chelsea, I'll cut right to the chase. My ex boyfriend cheated on me and gave me genital herpes. Bummer, I'll spare you the statistics. I know, what a jerk. I'll spare you the statistics. But genital herpes is pretty
common and it shouldn't be a big deal. I'm hesitant writing this, but the compassion and honesty with which you've responded to others has made me feel like you might have something to say about the topic that would be helpful, not only to me, but to anyone else dealing with this. I was devastated for a long time, but life moved on. I got a dog, moved to a different city, and I started pursuing a career that I'm so excited and passionate about and I'm surrounded by people who make me
feel loved. I am happy and fulfilled in many ways except for one. I haven't had sex or really any type of intimacy in three years. In order to handle the fear and shame that I was left with, I decided I just wouldn't date and to retire my sexuality at the ripe old age of twenty five. In truth, my sex drive just disappeared when this happened, and I haven't really had any interest in sex solo or otherwise. I've been in therapy for years and I've keeled immensely.
I even managed to go on a few first dates here and there, but it never went further than that. I want a life partner, and I want to want a sex life, but I'm holding myself back for fear of being rejected when I disclose my status to someone. How do I get past this and allow myself to have a partner and the relationship I deserve? Sarah, Hi, Sarah, Hi, his right place? Hi?
How are you?
I'm good? Thank you so much for having me.
You're welcome, well, thank you for calling in. And this is our special guest Emily is here today. She writes about sex, and she does a podcast about sex, and she is all about sex positivity. So then it's a perfect episode for you.
Nice got you, Yeah, Sarah, Hi, nice to meet you too.
So first I want to say that having herpes is really common.
It's not a death sentence to your second.
One in three people have herpes, by the way, just so you know, one in three people.
Yeah, and they don't really a lot of people don't talk about it, they don't disclose it and affects Sarah. A lot of people have it and they don't even know it, and they're spreading it and it's a whole thing. But what I have found is that when you do disclose it to partners, first off, usually they're grateful that you told them. You let them know that you maybe
you're perhaps taking a daily suppressant. I'm not sure what kind of medication you're on right now, And really the chance of transmitting if you're taking a daily suppressive is very very slim. So I actually look and hopefully people are getting this knowledge that it's actually I'd rather be with somebody who's on top of their sexual health. They're like,
this is what I got I've had chamtea. Once I got it, you're like, great, you actually are somebody who prioritizes your health, and partner who you actually would want to be with is going to say, oh, here's somebody who also cares about her health and who knows how to communicate. And I think you're going to be surprised how many partners you're gonna find. They're gonna be great,
no problem. And I'm telling you this from experience too, because I hear this from many of my listeners all the time that once they actually were real about it with somebody, that nine out of ten partners were like, cool, thanks for telling me. Let's go, let's go, let's go to dinner, what are we doing, Let's get in bed, Like,
it's not what you think. So I hope you can find the courage to go out there and start to talk to people and realize you're young, it's really common and it's going to be okay.
And there's so many.
People whose sex lives get even better because now you have the freedom. You're like, I've said it all, I got zero secrets. This is who I am.
And once you tell one person, it's not going to be that big of a deal. You're gonna get better at telling people. And also something you need to understand is you don't need to tell somebody that on the first date you're not sleeping with them, probably or are you Nope? No, Yeah, you don't strike me as somebody who's having sex on the first date. So, I mean, you haven't had sex in three years, so it would be crazy for you to just start a write away.
Well not crazy, but it doesn't seem characteristic of you. So you don't have to tell somebody right away. You can build a relationship or the beginnings of a relationship and then sit down. And also characteristically, that says a lot about you, to be upfront and honest with a person. They're gonna look at that and be like, before you have sex with them, you can tell them. But also,
you're not contagious unless you have an outbreak, correct, correct, right? So, and you're you seem very aware of your diagnosis and it's not a big deal, like it doesn't fucking matter. All you have to do is be mindful of other
people catching it. So when you have an outbreak, you shouldn't be actively having sex with somebody obviously, but you can tell somebody when you're in a relationship with them, You're putting a lot of pressure on yourself about something that one in three people in the world in the world are dealing with all the time. I mean, you know, you're gonna probably tell somebody who's gonna be like, oh God, I have it too.
Yeah, So it happens a lot.
Yeah. By the way, so like me too. So I really wouldn't worry about that aspect of things I understand.
I think reading between the lines of your letter and what you're saying is that it's been so long since you've been out there that it's harder to get back in right because you don't have the kind of language or experience other than the bunch of dates that you went on, which I also think is a really good thing and a good practice to just be exercising is dating, because you know, it takes a pressure off when you when you when you have a lot of experience with it,
you don't have to look at every date as like, oh my god, is this going to be the one. It's more of like, oh, let me see if I even like this person.
The more sex you have, the more sex you want to have and I think that goes for solo play as well. If you're just not doing it, it's easy to be like cool, that's on the back burner kind
of indefinitely. Maybe there are some things you can try that are like taking a nice bat that are sensual and sexual and like maybe you're not even trying to have an orgasm, but just like starting to prime the pump for yourself with that and getting back into like some solo play before you try to entering out in the world.
So true, huge fan of it. Sex begets sex. So we have to keep our own pilot light lit. That's the truth. Since we're in relationships and we think like oh we're dating, we're like, oh, I'm going to save myself or I'll get turned on right when we're ready to go in the bedroom. But that's the other thing we usually we're not, So it's like going to the gym,
like you got to keep it going. So solo sex, love and yourself is going to have a way that you're going to stay connected to your sexual energy and then when you're out with somebody, then that's going to be flowing and you're going to be a little more embodied.
Yeah, for sure. That makes a lot of sense. I think that kind of was what I was thinking with going on the dates. And I think what I've noticed is because maybe my sex drive has just kind of fizzled out, there's no sexual chemistry. And I can't tell if there's no sexual chemistry because there's no sexual chemistry, or if there's no sexual chemistry because I'm scared, And then it makes it difficult for me to make the right call. Do I want to go on another date?
Is there anything there? And I feel like this is not something I struggled with before everything unfolded the way it did.
Yeah, well, it sounds like you're playing a big mental game on yourself, you know what I mean. I mean, I'm glad you're in counseling because I think you I think this is much more of a mental thing than anything else. Do you can I ask you? Do you masturbate?
Not?
Really?
Like there? You should start because if you want to get that sex drive going right, like the way to keep Like my friend was talking, I should say her name, but I won't. My friend was talking about vaginal dryness the other day and we were all laughing at her, and because her doctor was like, the way to prevent vaginal dryness is to use your vagina. And she's like, she's like, I can't have sex with my husic because
my vaginas to dry. I'm like, well, that's your vaginas you dry because you won't fucking have sex with your husband, So stop blaming him, and it's you, Like you know, like one thing leads to the other. So I think, just start getting more comfortable with your sexuality, and that does mean masturbating, you know what I mean. Spend time masturbating,
use a toy or whatever whatever gets you going. Just start doing that because then you're exuding also a more sexual energy and you're gonna you're more apt to feel chemistry with other people once your sexuality is vibe, because right now you probably feel it sounds like you feel very like your sexuality feels dormant and you want to wake it up right, and so that starts with you.
You're taking all the right SIPs, going on dates, you're in therapy, start masturbating, and I mean, I don't think I've ever given this advice book.
I literally give this every day that I'm like a pusher. I'm like a loop pusher I'm a toy pusher because it's true, like we get caught off. So yes, masturbation is a huge part of being sexually healthy. And like when you're masturbating, do these like you know, like caggles or like everyone prescribes to a kegle, like now you'll do it now because I'm saying it, but that is literally where that's the power source. So your pelvic floor if you just like right now, squeeze it, like you're
like hello, you're connected to it. So when you're even throughout the day, like you take a few deep breasts, you're like, I'm gonna squeeze it.
That wakes it up. That's the Kodalini.
That's the energy that's going to start to flow because right now it's like dormant because of the fear of trauma you had from this diagnosis. These three years you've been in your head, I'm not sexual and not sexual, but you're twenty five years old, like your whole sexual life is ahead of you.
So like I'm not worried.
We're not like at all words, it's more like getting more touch, getting embodied, breathing, master bating, and continue to go on these dates with people because it is a muscle. And the more it's like, you know, going to the gym, like maybe you went a lot to the gym three years ago, it's been three years.
You go, then you start going back.
You go back for five minutes in time the ten minutes you're like, oh, yeah, I move my body again. The same thing goes for sex and for dating, and then yeah, you don't have to tell anyone right away, like when you start to feel it's getting that place he with a second or third date, you're like, oh, by the way, and also here's the other thing. When you are disclosing it, it's not like we need to talk.
You gotta be like, hey, yeah, by the way.
Once you know that i've herpes and so I take a daily suppressant, which means that it's like not gonna if there's like one percent chance it could transfer, but that's not the case.
I just want you to know that any questions, you know.
What I mean, like casual not like a death sentences, Nope, that's it. Do you have anything and would do you have anything to tell me about your sex list, like anything that you want to talk about sexually, Like like that just shows you have a growth mindset around sex that you aren't care about your sexual health. And to me, that shows like, Oh, here's somebody who's actually really honest and who's going to prioritize my health, who cares about my health because you're cheering it.
And you can use this diagnosis to empower your sexuality, right instead of it disempowering you. You can flip the switch on it. You have the power. I'm excited for you because I think you're going to have a big sexual awakening once you get the ball rolling, things are going to open up to you. You're sexy, you're beautiful, you're young, you have all of this opportunity, and the only thing that's preventing that is your own conversation with
yourself about your diagnosis. And that's just not going to be the way it is moving forward. Herpes isn't going to do you. You're doing herpes, you know what I mean? Yes, Yeah, that's the way I look at drugs, Like, whenever I take a drug, I'm like, you're not going to control me. I control you. And that's why I have such good experiences with drugs is because I am in control. I don't lose my shit. I don't let something take over my personality. And that's how you have to look at herpes.
That does not define you. That's one little blip and it's not even a blip. Who cares? It means nothing?
Yeah, totally. I think I kind of have let myself get in my head and like kind of internalize It's it's frequently the butt of a joke, right, Like you see it all the time on the internet, and I think I have let it get in my head. And one thing I guess I go back and forth on is I want to wait until I feel like I'm ready to like disclose and like kind of just give
myself the freedom to do that. And then I'm always worried, like what if they react and they're like, well, that's so fucked up and I wasted a bunch of dates with you, and what is that mine to worry about?
Even?
No, no, but who care?
Like yeah, who cares?
So then that's not the right person. It's like you're worrying about things that may or may not even happen. You know, the only thing you can guarantee is your own behavior and that you act with a moral compass, and by that it's like sharing the information with a person whom you're going to be romantic with in a long term way. Even you know, like if you're having
a one night stand, you don't have an outbreak. Some people might disagree with me, but if you're using protection and you don't have an outbreak, then you are good to go. You've been putting yourself into like sex jail for the last three years because of some fucking asshole. Not so so stop it.
I feel like you just let her out too. I feel like we just gave you the I feel like this is the first day of the rest of your sex life right now.
I hope it is.
I'm feeling that you need to go have sex and report tonight.
Yeah you do, or at least masturbate and report back exactly.
So we don't need to report on your masturbations, but we do. But I kind of we want you to masturbate, but we want you to also get out there start experimenting with your sexuality, to reintroduce yourself to this new sexual person that you're about to become.
Yeah, thank you, I appreciate it. It's it's just helpful to hear people talking about it.
So yeah, I mean you. Listen, you're acting like you have cancer.
You don't like totally exactly.
You're not dying, you're living, So live it up.
Okay.
And these people, can I say, with the people who show you who they are, With the guys like, oh, I can't believe you told me it not your person, like the people are doing a favor when they're asshole.
Absolutely, yeah, for sure, for sure.
Well, thanks Sarka, thank you.
Don't forget to hit us back. Give us an update in a few months.
Okay, we'll do take care.
Okay, takes care.
Well.
Our next caller is Lynn. She says, Dear Chelsea, I am a forty year old woman and I've only been single for a year and a half of my entire adult life. It's not intentional, it just worked out that way. Within my decades of serial monogamy was the confession from my husband and father of my two year old that he identified as a woman and had been cheating on me during our entire relationship. Turns out she just needed a green card. My last relationship was with a wonderful
man who I consider the love of my life. Life circumstances led to the end of that relationship after the initial heartbreak about the end of a beautiful relationship. I know that I need to enjoy this time being single, truly single. I've lifted myself out of a self deprecating slump, but there's one thing I just cannot justify out of my mind. That is the sadness that I no longer get to enjoy sex. I'm not a prude or a
slutshamer or a hopeless romantic. I just don't get enjoyment from sex with someone that I don't have a connection with. Should I consign myself to a celibate lifestyle or think outside the box and try to push through my natural inclinations? Yours truly, Lynn Hilin Hilen. Nice.
Hi, how are you?
I'm good?
How are you? This is Emily our sex work for the day. Hi. So you're newly single and it sounds like you don't have a lot of experience being single? Yeah? Pretty much? None?
Okay, good, Well, it's a wholy beginning now the.
Holy I just want to be excited about it, except that I'm like, oh wait, I'm celibate.
That's not fun.
Okay, So I do want to you know, I think it's important to explore why you're feeling like you need to be celibate, And I do appreciate that you said, like, I just don't feel comfortable having sex with somebody that
I'm not emotionally connected with. I had a friend who went through a very similar thing where she identified as demisexual, which is sort of this idea that like, unless you have an actual relationship with someone or you know, feel connect with them, you just like don't really have a sexual attraction to them. Emily, you're nodding your head. Do you want to say a little more about that.
Yeah, No, I'm just saying it's really common demi sexual sapio sexual, Like we need to have like an intellectual connection with somebody before we feel hot for them. Like, no one's expecting you need to go out there and be able to bang somebody.
Does it?
Get the sex over with?
Like it's okay to say I know about myself that I'm somebody that needs a certain level of connection and safety with somebody. So I think we could still you could still find that, But it sounds to me like some of the limiting beliefs are coming from these past tumultuous relationships that you just had, right previously, and so you're feeling like, well, now you have to be celibate because there's no one out there, or I have this need that can't be met, and I think that you'll
be surprised to find that you can. I know, you can go out there and find new ways to meet people and not pressure yourself, but just have lunches or drinks or dinners or just however it is that you're meeting people and actually see, do I have a connection to this person. It's okay to take a few dates and just see, and then it starts to be it's okay to say that you need to know somebody before you jump about with them. No one's pressuring you to
have casual sex. And that's because in case of what you want to have, sounds like you already have knowledge knowing that you need that connection.
I do, and I.
Worry that I'm going to find a connection and then immediately slide into a relationship, because that's been my experience in the past, as it starts with a connection and sex and then all of a sudden, I'm in a relationship.
You could lead with that too, You could let people what I'm all for, like I'm the biggest advocate these days. If you're on the dating apps, you're dating, like, let people know right away exactly what you're willing to do, what you're looking for, and where you're at, Like you can even say. You usually get into all the drama like oh this guy was so right now where I'm at right now, I'm actually looking to date people and have a connection and have something that's a little bit
more casual. But I mean this is I have two nights a week to see you. I have one night a week. I would like it to be like this, I use protection. Would you be okay with that? You know, just you'll find that people will say like, oh wow, okay, well that's either what I am looking for or not looking for. I think it's okay to be to be clear that you're going to be surprised how many people you find that are on board with you. And I'm not even saying the first date you got to say
all that. But when you're clearer on what you want, it's it's gonna be okay. Casual sex can be really satisfying. In fact, I used to think that too, Like, and I hear this from a lot of people. They're like, well, I have sex with someone, I fall in love. That's just a choice, that's a pattern. You're not really in love. Like you had an orgasm and maybe that made you
feel connected, but you're in charge. You can say, you know what what makes you feel connected is that I text them every day, is that I see them four days a week. So you could decide that you're going to have a meaningful casual relationship where you only see them once a week, or you're not texting during the week,
but the sex you're is still really satisfying. But you don't allow yourself to fall into the old patterns, right, and you have accountability partners and friends and people around you, and like Chelsea be here, you can check back in you know what I mean, set yourself up for success this week because you know what you don't want it to look like.
Yeah, what is your experience with casual sex.
I've During the year and a half that I was quote single, I dated around, so I would, you know, go on dates and maybe have sex with one or two people. I would go to sex parties. I had a lot of fun, but I didn't actually feel a lot of physical pleasure when I didn't have anything there mentally or emotionally.
And is it going to be a problem for you to say, Oh, Okay, I'm just gonna give myself six months off of having sex with another person. What does that mean to you if when you hear that.
That doesn't freak me out.
I really wanted to just put dating completely aside and enjoy myself and go to plays and go to the museums. I want to and hang out with friends without that even being an issue, without even putting myself out there to meet someone. Then there's just that like a little bit of sadness of that part of my life that I'm going to miss.
Oh. I just think you can accomplish both of those things. You know, if you want to have casual sex, it's available, Like that's not hard to find. But I also just from listening to you, the fact that you've been in relationships accidentally for most of your adult life, this is a huge opportunity to get to know yourself and do all the things you just mentioned doing. You're not going
to be single forever. It's very rare that anybody is, especially with your history and especially with you know, being out and about and a social person. It's pretty hard to avoid finding someone that you're going to be attracted
to again and wanting to have sex. But I would even more focus just on this time investing in yourself and taking this kind of window that you have and being like, I'm going to do all the shit I want to do right now while I don't have to be tethered to somebody else who may or may not want to join me doing these things, or prevent me from doing the things because we have to do his things,
or whatever the dynamic may or could be. I think it's very important for all women to spend a significant amount of time alone by themselves to understand who you are and to be able to ask for the things that you want and to understand what you do want. You know what I mean, Because you might spend six months alone and be like, WHOA, this is glorious. I want this. I want to be alone for another year before I get into anything serious, or I may not
want to be with someone again. Who knows what conclusion you'll come to. You know, it's not black and white like that necessarily, but it's a huge like opportunity for growth for you, and you should just look at it like that. Instead of the things that you're missing, like, oh,
it's not like that. Look at all the things that you're gaining by being alone and being able to go to the museums, by being able to go to movies by yourself or plays or with friends and not have that kind of coupledom attached to it all.
Yeah, I have to say that that is the best. So now that I'm hearing where you're at, it was not healthy in the past and all that taking six months and saying I'm going to do I did this when I was forty two. I did a mandatorium. It was like a moratorium. I ment I'm like, I'm not doing it for six months, and it was so freeing to be like I don't.
Have to think about it.
I can do me.
I can figure out who I am without a man in my life, because I kept going from one to the next and I really just wanted to figure out. And it was such a wonderful time to get to know who I am without a guy. I can go to the opper where I can go see friends, I can really think about it and I can reflect. It gives you this open space to say what worked in
the past, what didn't work in the past. There so much more time and then when you're ready, it's intentional, right, you can you have the intentionality around now I'm ready to step back into the dating world, and there's just just realize how much time you have when you're not thinking about texting someone and am I going to have sex with this person or not. Huge growth happens in the time of relationship with yourself and.
Looking forward to that.
Yeah, And Emily, you talk a lot in your book to you about when it does come to solo sex or masturbation or those types of things. Really discovering what you like happens when you're by yourself, So like that maybe another thing that you want to actually really intentionally work on, or is having a thriving sex life that like doesn't involve another partner for a while.
Exactly.
Yeah, the best work, the best sexual discoveries I made was my solo sex time without a partner. I didn't think I could have ju spot orgasms, for example. I didn't think I could have multiple orgasms.
I didn't even know.
And I was like, I'm going to take time and figure out my own owner's manual because I used to leave it up to the guy. I'm like, well, he must be able to figure it out, and like they don't know what they're doing. I realized that no one really knows, so I might as well take the time. I got toys, I got lubs. I just kept talking about researching it, and then I was realized. When I was with a partner, not only was I more embodied and I was more comfortable, but then I could actually say,
uh uh, like that doesn't work. We're not going so fast, like slow down, go down to me for thirty minutes. That's what's going to w Like. I was able to be my own best advocate, and I want that for you too. Most of us don't take time for that at all, So I highly encourage time alone with yourself, masturbating and having gets, you know, loving up on yourself.
Okay, yeah, go home, masturbate, then go to a play, and then go to a museum and see how you like that.
Yeah, sounds perfect. It sounds like a lovely saturday, honestly.
Yeah, seriously. Okay, Well, I hope we were able to help you today, Lynn. Yes, thank you, Okay, take care.
Thanks so much, report back, okay, bye.
Yeah.
I thought that was a really important call, just because I think people think like, oh, well, you know, my sex life is over just because I don't have a partner, and I don't think that's true.
But I just don't understand, like everyone needs to just stop thinking that whatever is happening now is permanent.
It's not.
It's like, just because you break up and you don't have a boyfriend doesn't mean you're never gonna have a boyfriend again. It doesn't worked like that. Life doesn't work like that. And instead of resisting whatever situation you're in, embrace it and be like, Okay, this is my reality for however long, because it could be a month and she could fall in love with another guy and then she only had that month to herself, and that's a bigger issue in my opinion, being interdependent constantly.
Yes, I'm thinking that we're broken.
If we're single, well, let's take a quick break and we'll be back to wrap up with Chelsea and Emily, and we're back. We're back. Our last question comes from Beth. Her location is somewhere in Europe. I'm an American and have been dating a wonderful German guy for the past three and a half years. We both have been previously married and have kids. I've learned over the past two years that his parenting styles are much different than mine.
Six months ago, he told me his daughter, who was turning fourteen, wanted to have a sleepover party with some friends, two girls and four boys, including her first boyfriend. She also asked if her boyfriend could sleep in her bed that night. He told me that he and his ex wife have a very open relationship with their daughter, and she told them that she's not ready for sex, but just wants to snuggle with her boyfriend on her birthday. He, his ex, and the parents of the kids invited were
all fine with the sleepover. My partner had a barbecue for the kids and they were even allowed some beer to drink that night. The kids stayed up all night and he made them breakfast in the morning. My respect for him as an amazing dad has diminished, and after I heard about this, I didn't speak to him for a week. I felt sick to my stomach and even had trouble sleeping after hearing this. Recently, I asked about his daughter and found out that she's now on the
pill and regularly having sex with her boyfriend. This news came to me as a complete shock, but somehow I knew it was coming. Now I'm not sure if I can continue this relationship. My partner is very sympathetic to my feelings, but he's proud of his relationship with his daughter and feels he's done nothing wrong. He isn't proud that she's having sex at such a young age, but believes that she's very mature and it was bound to
happen sooner or later. He's happy that she's experiencing love and passion at fourteen, rather than choosing drugs or alcohol. I love him dearly, but I'm so disappointed in him as a father and a parent. With a twelve year old son and fourteen year old daughter. There are still many years of parenting ahead of him. These aren't my children, So why do I care so much? What do you think I should do? Beth?
Back up the judgment, Beth, these are not your children. You are not their parents. They're European. The rules are very different and probably more appropriate, quite frankly, because you know European kids are. They're looser with sex, they're looser with drinking. Parents are looser with you know what. They the parameters they put on children over there, and guess what, they have a lot less fucked up children because they're not saying you can't do this until you're twenty one,
or you can't do this until you're eighteen. Yeah, fourteen is young, tob be having sex, But guess what. I was having sex when I was fourteen, and I'm okay, I'm not fucked up, you know, like, yeah, it's a little bit young, but it's different for everybody. And it's not your job to parents his parenting unless you're gonna have children with him. Did she says she wants children with him.
No, but she has kids of her own as well. I just think they're not under the same roof.
Well, then parent them. Great, parent your children, and let him parent his. The judgment is so thick. It's just too much. You're so judgmental of his parenting. It's it's really not your issue to ever even give your opinions on unless you're asked.
Yeah, and she's an American. We grew up with all this shit. You know.
By the way, Americans don't have it figured out. FYI.
We are so messed up because what happens in BA exactly what happens in America.
We're like, we sell children guns in this country. So remember that Joernals don't do that.
No, they don't have the gun problem. They don't have the sex problems as much because they normalize sex. They start teaching sex at in some places in Europe, especially the Netherlands, when kids are like five years old. They're not saying like, here's how you put in a condom. They're saying, it's your body. They name the parts. They don't say who oh, They're like, that's your vagina, that's
your volva, and they normalize sex. So when they talk about sex and sex education, and maybe the German guy it's like this where his kids grew up is they have sex education where they do talk about STIs and getting pregnant, but they also talk about pleasure and they're like, here's how you would have an orgasm, and here's how you ask for consent. So perhaps they had really comprehensive sex education in school. And his daughter came to him and said, Daddy, I feel safe, I'm gonna have sex.
He's like, great, let's get you on the birth control pill and all those things. So I understand why that's foreign because contrary to America, where we just tell kids are by the way growing up, they're seeing porn at like eight years old on their iPad and then they're just told it's like shameful and wrong and there's zero for information except for sex is gonna be this wonderful thing, and then they go off and have sex and they have no idea what they're doing. So I'm down with
him saying like, I'm so your parent. If you're gonna have sex, here's birth control pill. Do it rather have me do it to my home without alcohol and telling me what's going on than this, Yes, she's got it, and I'll stand your own kids.
That with the ripple effect that that kind of parenting has means kids are not hiding, they're not shameful. They are able to communicate with their parents in a healthy dialogue about things that are pretty sensitive. And American kids aren't like that, you.
Know, messed up about it.
Back it up, sister, back it up and focus on some other things. Yeah, oh, Emily, what what it's the light? You have been Chelsea? So fun. I can't wait to read your book as Smart Sex. We just got it yesterday, So I didn't get a chance to read it, but I got to dive right in.
Yes, thank you smart Sex. Yeah, please do Guvan, thanks for having me. I appreciate it. But you are a blast and this is a good time.
Thank you so much. Okay, guys. Also, I have added more second shows to my Little Big Bitch tour. I added second shows in Hollywood at the Pantages. I am going to be there two nights October twelfth and thirteenth. I added another show at the Chicago October twenty seventh and October twenty eighth, one of my favorite places to perform. I added another show in Portland, so I'll be there November second and third. And I added a second show in Boston at the Weighing Center, so I will be
there November sixteenth and seventeenth. I also have two shows in Seattle, San Francisco, New York at the Beacon and Washington, d C. I will be there October fifth and sixth. And a special shout out to Phoenix, Arizona, where I'm coming Saturday October fourteenth. And then I'm coming to Cleveland Columbus in Pittsburgh, So suck on that, you guys. I can't wait to see everybody. Oh, and I'm coming to Eugene,
Oregon too, everybody. That's November ninth, twenty twenty three, and I will be at the Clubhouse in East Hampton, which is going to be a very intimate show on Saturday, August twenty sixth. So if you are in the Long Island area, that's where I'll be the Clubhouse.
If you'd like advice from Chelsea, shoot us an email at Dear Chelsea podcast at gmail dot com and be sure to include your phone number. Dear Chelsea is edited and engineered by Brad Dickert executive producer Katherine Law and be sure to check out our merch at Chelseahandler dot com.