It Takes Guts & Balls with Beth Stelling

just need to do it. I do need to buite the bullet and watch Yellowstone. Yeah yeah, Yellowstone is is where all the cowboys are at. People in Whistler love Yellowstone and my girlfriend Wendy Grilloh well sorry, Wendy monies as on the show Yellowstone, and so I am legally obligated to watch that out of friendship. So but she's so good in it, and the show just got nominated for a bunch of like awards, SAG Awards. So yeah,

really no reason not to watch a Catherine at this point. Okay, after I brought it up, I've been home for a week from Whistler or two weeks. I'm a little break because I had some business to tend to in the l A area, and it was very hard for me to leave Whistler. I'm not gonna lie. My only incentivization really was seeing Burton Bernice and coming home to them and making sure that they still know who I am, which they do, and they're actually really really cute and

they really love Joe now, so it's really sweet. Like Bernice is is a little bit of a huja, you know, she only likes men. She doesn't support she does not support other women. She is not a champion of women. And she started following him around. And then I said, but, I said bert, I said, it's confusing because I call them all Buddha. I called Joe Buddha. I don't think I love that is squeezable is a Buddha? Where does that come from? Just like bud I don't know. Like

I call my dogs Buddhas. I call my nieces and nephews, you know, and I'm like pinching their bodies, well I do a little bit more than their cheeks. But I call everything that I love Buddha's. So I don't know where that comes. I'm sure it makes Joe feel very special that he's not the only one called that. But anyway, Bernice has taken to Joe and she followed us in the room and I told Joe that Birt had to sleep in the bed with us because that's yeah. And he said, I said, does that do you like when

Bert sleeps in the bed with us? And he said, well, I like whatever you like. And I was like, you know what, Joe, every answer is the right answer with him, he really does. I really am going to write a handbook for men, because he just says. The other day I was I was doing a zoom for like two hours, and you know that's a little bit much for me. Two hours straight. I was like, whoa, And I just needed my Canada Dry, like my diet. Canada Dry is

my like elixir for everything. And he I was thinking about I was sitting at the table and was so and I was like, oh God, I want that. I when can I get a break to get up and get that an addict? And then he I am, I'm addicted, And he all of a sudden just came upstairs, walked right to the fridge, took out in ginger ale and put it in front of me, and I was like, oh my god, you're my ginger ale all mate. He's just like, fully read your mind. He does it all

the time. He does yesterday. He goes, I I was. I kept putting my lip bomb down and he kept picking it up, you know, because he always wants to have my lip bomb for me, which is so sweet because I'm also addicted to lip Bomb Canada Dry and lip Bomb, and I'm an elderly woman. There are worse things. And he was like, oh, and then I had my purse and I went to grab my purse. He goes, I am not going to tell you this again. You are not ever carrying anything in my presence. And I

was like, honey, you are just too much. He's a hero. Even my own purse he refuses to let me carry. It's so cute. I like, how many women in America are now in love with jokoy Oh? I think so, I think so yeah. I got a lot of a lot of d m s about it. It's really cute. He's so lovable, Like I'm so in yeah, I'm so into him, And it was nice. We just did a show in Seattle. He was performing at that Sonics where the Sonics used to play. It's called the Climate Pledge Arena,

but it was used to be called something else. And he saw Eddie Murphy there when he was fifteen years old and sat in like row fifteen, and so he was able to have like that full circle moment. And he sold out fourteen thousand tickets, four hundred actually in this arena. And I got on stage as like a surprise guest, and then he got on stage and it was like the most incredible thing to see. It was emotional, it was amazing. The guys from Boys two Men came out and sang with him at the end. It was

just so cool. And he got really choked up during his performance because I'm looking at just that is such an insane amount of people to do stand up to tell me this. I'm curious. Is there like a different kind of comedy that you feel like plays to those like massive arenas versus like more intimate venues or is it just sort of like what you can sell out, you can sell out. Yeah, No, I do think I thought that because I was I was going up. I

was like, fuck, I gotta buck up. I'm like fourteen thousand people, this is a line, and then I was like, all right, you know, and I was like, this doesn't really play, Like what jokes do you tell? Because you're us not convinced that that amount of people are going to be able to hear everything you're saying, even though it's acoustically set up for them to hear you. So it does play. It did work, And I said that

to him. I go, you know, I've always thought that there was too many people for stand up, like it doesn't provide the intimacy that stand up needs. But yeah, I think some comics wouldn't play, and that kind of big of a thing because there are different types of comics. But it was great and he certainly count and I actually was like, oh, I like this too. I didn't think I would. I thought it would be too big. He's so easy to be happy for, and it's it's so easy to root for, you know, he's just like

kind and wonderful, like when it's actually funny. When he helped us out the other week setting up and he was our he was our producer for the day. Honestly, that was the smoothest it's ever gone. I know, you know what I was saying, I was talking to someone about it, and I was like, the thing I love about him so much is that he's so engaged with every single person he speaks to, and that he pays attention to everyone. It doesn't matter if it's a kid

or a relative or a stranger. He's always interested and engaged and like present, and I'm always so like, I love that sexy. Where do you think that comes from for him? Is that upbringing? Is that just he's just so humble? I guess you know, he's so humble. He's just so sweet, and he really takes people in, you know, like I've had so many boyfriends that just never really took in my family or took the time. Like he's on the phone with my sisters without me, with my nieces,

he's texting. It's just so sweet. And I kind of like, I'm like, oh, I have a team member now I'm not just on my own. So that's that's the best part too. That's wonderful. And he's ripped now, he's ripped from skiing. He's like he lost six every morning I weigh yourself. I don't understand what's going on. He would lose a pound six ounces to a pound every day.

I was getting ready. I'm getting ready for this big like campaign I'm doing with this athletic wear company, and I'm like, I'm the one who needs to get my body together, and he's just every day he's like more and more shredded. I'm like, oh God, yeah, so hot Joe Coiler. Watch out, guys, his underwear campaign is coming. I'm very excited for our guest, as always, I'm always excited for our guests because I just love doing this

podcast and seeing what people can contribute. A friend of mine who's also a comedian, because I feel like female comedians are pretty insightful. They have a lot of good things to offer up, I think, and they're filled with a lot of self confidence and self doubt, so you get the best of both worlds. Please welcome comic and writer Beth Stelling. So, Beth, you took a little break after your most recent stand up special came out on

HBO Max. Right Call Her Daddy, Um, Girl Daddy, Girl Daddy, Sorry, Ship call Her Daddy's Another podcast, So Many Dad, Too many daddy's. It's called girl Daddy on HBO Max and a lot of daddy's running around thinks for the queer eyes. Yeah, I did. I just I just had something weird happened. I don't know. Obviously, the weird part was the pandemic. I just I don't know how to explain it, and I don't want to be depressing. Well, you know, don't worry about that, but I'm curious to know. I mean,

that was an amazing special. You're so thoughtful, you're so smart, you're a great stand up. Like I loved that special. So when he told me that, I was like, oh my god, I have to ask or why and what happened? And don't worry about being depressing. Yes, so go back to like starting and stand up. It was oh seven for me, and I just remember thinking like how do I want to do this? And I knew all the stereotypes,

and this sad part is they never leave. It's just you know, like fourteen or fifteen years later, it's just like women aren't funny. Women only talk about sex. And so when I first started, I really felt like a young person who wanted to just be part of the solution, meaning like I'm just going to not talk about sex. I had all these rules for myself when I first started as a young and where I was like, I'm not going to talk about sex. I'm not going to

hook up with the other comedians. And then I had other dumb ones like I'm never going to take a notebook on stage and I'm never going to repeat a joke, and then you realize, well, that's not what stand up is. It's so funny you say that. Let me just interject there, because I remember when I signed with my managers, when I was really starting out, they took me down to Irvine to the Improv to see Janine Garoffalo and she had our notebook on stage, and I was like, oh,

that is not professional, you know. And here I was like, not knowing my ass from my elbow, judging somebody who had been doing this for fifteen to twenty years already going how could she ever do that? Cut to that's exactly what you do when you're working out material. Let's bring a notebook on stage. I mean they had to convince me to not have my little notebook when I was filming My special. I mean, I just it is

like a comfort thing. And also getting to tour with Sarah Silverman, she always has the like this is why I I am like this, you know, like she always has her legal pad, and so it made it okay. And also she I one time heard her say like forget if somebody said something about the pad or something, she said something like forgive my notes, Um, I don't

respect you. So it was just like it was a way to like dispel that because because I remember being at Laughed in Seattle after my first half hour on Comedy Central that was like or something, and I had my notebook with me and some guy in the crowd at Laughed in Seattle was like, why are you reading notes?

And somebody in the audience was like, she's just like so many different came to my defense and at that time and my how I was on stage and my persona or whatever, I actually kind of needed them to come to my defense because I was just I'm so sensitive and they're like, she just were filmed special, she's just working stuff out, like leave her alone. I always just say I'm doing my taxes. I mean, I love that. And also I remember opening for Verbiclea even when he

was at the Irvine. He was letting me run my half hour before the stand ups on Netflix, and he was it was called working it out at the time, and somebody yelled at him from the crowd, even, what do you why are you reading that? It's so funny because like people have this idea of stand up of what it's supposed to be, and I guess they still believe that we're just like coming up with it all off the top of our head. And in some ways you are, you know, if you're doing crowd work or improvising.

But I had all these little ideas when I started, and I didn't like going up a bit. It open my twenty two years old Chicago seeing a girl go on stage and just talk about getting like butt fucked and ship going everywhere, And to me, I was like, it's not that I was a prude or I thought like it was more me being judgmental and thinking like, why are you doing this to us? Why are you going up there, and just leaning into the stereotype. It's

just exhibitionists. Where's the joke? You know? I'm being all very on my high horse. And as time went on, I tried to stick to that because I thought, well, I'm gonna beat this stereotype by just being funny, and by being funny as a woman and not talking about sex. That's feminist because it will show that that is what we can do and be. And so I stuck to that for a long time until really this last hour. It's not that I never talked about anything sexual, but

this last hour. At the beginnings of it, I remember being at the Funny Bone in Dayton, and that's what I mean. I'm from Dayton, Ohio, so I have like my friends family in the front row. I have my whole family, their teachers that I grew up with, and a lot of this stuff I wanted to talk about was sex and like not dirty what I believe to be exhibitionists and not okay like but jokes. Like I felt like I held it in for so long that

I earned it. That was like, no, I'm going to talk about it because I'm so tired of not and I can do it well. So I fought that for a long time, and the early parts of it, of course weren't as funny as I wanted them to be. So that was an uncomfortable weekend beat, like doing the sex stuff in front of those people until I'm working out the jokes until they're good enough. So that was already the entry into this hour. I felt obviously I guess we could name it as like shame or I

don't even know. And then once I felt good about it and I was really rolling with it. A lot of it was driven by anger by watching male comics specials and then almost writing retorts to them. Yeah, because I feel irritated that even though it's been so long and women have been funny for so long, for decades, that we're still not granted individuality when we walk on

stage like men are. So it just bothered me that they don't get named social justice warriors for talking about some of the same topics that were mulling over or trying to create jokes out of. So yeah, that bothered me, and I wrote a lot of retorts to that. So it was almost fueled by rage. And then but that was before I filmed March seven, so I filmed truly

the weekend before the world sort of shut down. I remember you and I had a conversation and we at my production company because we were talking about you filming or special and we were talking about certain male comics, and you were actually debating about going after someone I don't even remember who, or you know, calling him out specifically, and I was like, that's a great idea of it. I was like, yeah, yeah, exactly, So I mean that does take guts and balls, and like, I love that.

I think that's brave. Well, thank you. That means a lot coming from you. I definitely don't regret it at all. I think I'm just like I looked at like even during the pandemic, I watched Richard Pryor, so like back when I started, I didn't watch a ton of stand up because I was terrified of stealing, you know, in that same naive way that when you first start, you're like, I better not putting in my material online because people might steal it. It's like nobody wants it, you're not funny.

But I just was terrified of stealing someone's persona or jokes or anything. So I didn't watch. I wasn't a student of stand up and I never really like dreamed of being when growing up. I kind of just wanted to be an actress. So I watched in the pandemic Prior's like Long Beach set from seventy nine, and I had never been like a huge Prior fan because I

just didn't watch a ton of it. And then as I was watching it, I thought it was incredible, and I was also saddened because he's talking about police brutality and at the time, I'm sure that was potentially scary and controversial. And then what made me even sadder is how long it's been and nothing's changed. So I began to feel really depressed and downtrodden about the fact that what we think we do might change people and it doesn't. So I know I've reached people. I'm like, I also

don't want to be like a sad sack. That's like, why what I do doesn't make a difference, because I know I have. I have had cool people come up to me afterwards and say so, so I know it means something. I just think after it came out it was in August, I just didn't feel like much changed. I don't know, and it's not like I expected. It's not like I think so highly with myself by that

it would change the world or something. I know what you mean, though, I you know, when you're going into like an artistic endeavor like these, you know, a stand up special is a big endeavor. It's you, you, you, and you. There's nowhere else to blame anything on. So and when you're it's an undertaking, because I remember my special evolution came out like shortly right after yours, so I was watching yours like closely because we had had

that conversation too. And I think it's so true that you think that you're always kind of disappointed by the reaction something gets. I mean, when are we ever pleased with the reaction something gets? You know? I get my podcast numbers every month. I'm like, oh my god, I can't believe all these people are listening to this podcast. This is the easiest thing I've ever done with almost

no intention, you know, I'm just having like conversations. I'm like, oh, is it is that what you're supposed to do, how you're supposed to handle everything with just kind of off the seat of your pants. But I think what you're saying, hey, I can relate to on so many levels about wanting to listen to other comedy stand up, specifically because you don't want to mimic others accidentally, because you can do

it so accidentally anyway. But the one thing I've learned over the last many years is we all are talking about the same ship. It doesn't make you less of a comic it's you know, it's all of our what's our angle? Everyone is talking about sex and parents and family and religion and anal and whatever you're talking about.

It's it's not unique the subject matter. What's unique is your take on it, or your strength or your weaknesses or you know, your p o V. So that's something we always have to remind ourselves of, right, Yeah, And I think that's what got me. Sorry, I just and also, of course everything with what felt like, you know, this racial recording in that early which of course I felt like what do I have to add? So so that also contributed to it where I felt like I should

just shut up and it. And then I was further added TATD by some of the people who I had originally been fueled with some of that material because they didn't shut up. And it's like you're just gonna keep tweeting and you're just gonna keep making jokes that are so trivial about some of these like really important things like why can't we all why can't you guys just

sit down? I even felt that way materialized or just everybody during the pandemic, where I was sort of like, oh good, the world telling us to take a nap, but all these kids are getting up and running around. I'm like, could you guys just fucking lay down for a bit, you know. And then from home, everybody's doing stand up shows and getting green screens, and I realized

that's pivoting and like taking charge of career. And so I think I just was going through something personally that made me feel like we can we all just please rest because we're supposed to, Or maybe I just went so hard for so long when the world said stopped, I was like, oh, thank you. Yeah. I think a lot of people thought that way for sure, Yeah, which

stopped me from writing. And and there's so much content, so so like when we're supposed to be resting and then you open your phone, it's like everybody's doing stuff from home from a green screen, doing these things, and I'm like sitting here, thinking, already, you know this after

a special comes out. You know, I've never given birth, but but it sometimes did feel like that you just can't control once it gets away from you and then it's gone, and people's immediate reaction is that was so good, I can't wait for the next one. And instead of me taking that as like thank you. I'm going there is no next one. That took me so long. And then I'm also just looking at people's special feeling like

shouldn't it be special? You know, instead of what was just you on your podcast, you've now put into a special And so people were watching going well, I've already heard that, and I'm over here thinking like I don't want to be some sort of like sound like some sort of martyr. That's like, aren't we supposed to work on our craft for so long? Because it's just like that's part of what's changed is and I should adapt. I'm basically not adapting, I think, is what is happening.

I'm going I meticulously work on jokes for years and then I will give you something special, and I can't really participate that any longer. I'm sure. It's It's almost reminds me of the guy I dated in Chicago who was a photographer who went to school for photography, and then Instagram happened. It's like, what the fuck? I'm like developing photos for people to get, you know, way more attention followers jobs work from just a filter. But yeah, I think I am just sort of not keeping up. Well,

that's a product of social media. Right, that's the impact that social media has on each of us and how we deal with it. You wouldn't be thinking those things about yourself if you weren't looking at other people and what they were doing. Absolutely, and I don't like it. I don't like how that feels. Like. I'm someone who does believe there is room for everybody and you shouldn't

be out there comparing yourself to others. But I just think it's hard when it feels like it's part of the job now, and and then if I am resistant to it, then it makes me seem like some sort of bitter person who's just doesn't feel like they're successful enough, when what I really want to do is create stuff that I care about, that is good, that matters. And I think sometimes I'm a little too precious about all

of it. Yeah, I hear what you're saying. Yeah, it would probably do you some good to just not pay attention, you know, like keep your head in your stuff and focus on your stuff without looking around, even like cutting that stuff in a half. Because there's no positive impact from looking at social media. There hasn't been anything proven that that that anything positive comes out of it, and we're we're all victims of it. We're all victims of

crolling mindlessly. I mean, I wanted to a test on myself to see how many times I went to Instagram without even thinking, like in the middle of my day, because I put it in an like its own folder to prevent myself from so easily accessing it, because all of a sudden, you're watching something and you're like, wait, when did I get on Instagram? You know, three minutes ago. I was supposed to be reading a book. What happened.

So it's just a matter of trying to kind of limit your exposure to that because that's what it is. And I definitely have and I'm back to writing and I'm like getting out again and I have been for the last year. But that's that's a weird part of it too, is wait, you're you've remained COVID free, right, Yeah, you're a gold star. I know, I know, I'm not going that's well, I'm a medical director, so that's why

I love it. Well, I was back doing shows again, and I was vaccinated, fully vaccinated, and then I got to had a breakthrough case in August. It's like a mixture of things. It's like all of a sudden, two years went by in a blink. I wasn't writing as much. My life changed so much by not touring. I'm still writing for people and doing punch up and stuff a lot, and writing a show and writing on shows. So like, I am grateful to keep my mind going and joke

writing and being comedy. So it's not like I'm down for the count or something. But I guess after you do something for so long and you have that weird relationship or break with it, I don't know if it's COVID brain fog or what's going on, but like I have trouble remembering things, like there's a lot adding to all of it, and then the fear of getting back

out again after not doing it for so long. Oh yeah, I think I have to shift my mindset a bit, because I like listening to you when you say things like how happy people. You're giving people this service, like you're going to perform for them and give them jokes, And oddly I have this other mindset that's like, oh no, am I going to be good enough? It will be

worth their money. I don't want to waste their time, you know, Like something's I need to sort of shift before I go back out and remember, like, I know this job is fun. I know it. I was happy to be doing it. But something's happened to me over the years where I've grown more introverted and I and I think also it has to do with like vulnerability. It's almost like I feel like I owe it and it's a strange divulging thing that I have where I feel like I have to tell you everything you know,

and I think that's taken a toll as well. My mom always be like it's your strength and and and also a weakness of yours. And I know you're also like you're vulnerable. You've been most vulnerable in this last special. So I don't know if you've shifted into wanting to do that more or if you felt exhausted by it. Yeah, I mean I I did, like I I when I put that special out, I was like, Okay, now let's get back to like stand up, stand up, Like I had to say all of that for my my own

peace of mind and everything you just said. I can totally relate to taking a break. I didn't do it for six years. Getting back on stage. I had to like go in the back door. You know. I went on a book tour. I say that in quotes because it was like my own psychic way of allowing myself to be on stage but not alone, because I had someone interviewing me. And then eventually, once I gathered all the stories that I was telling on stage, I knew, okay,

this is a new hour of material. Now let me kick the interviewer off the stage and I'll just go up there. But it was very back door, like, you know, getting back into stand up, which is something my agents, my managers, everyone on my team had been telling me that I have to do. You have to do stand up. You can't take breaks from stand up, you know, And I was like, fuck it, I don't need to listen to anybody, and I'll do it on my own terms.

So I can definitely relate to what you're saying about not thinking you were worthwhile, not thinking I was good enough, not thinking people are gonna get it, or they're gonna forgive me for taking such a long break, or they're gonna say, oh, I'm too serious now, I'm not funny enough, all of those things. And I think the only way

to combat that is by being on stage. Yeah, And that's what I've basically come to now two years later, is I'm getting back out locally for sure, and I've started getting back on the road, and I'll in my first club in the long time. Well, I did like the Fort in Fort Collins in Colorado, like I keep dipping my toe like once a month, and like places where I feel good or run by people I feel good about. And so then I'll be at Comedy Works

in Denver the fourth weekend of February. And you know that club is just the best, the best, the best. I love that that Zaney is in Nashville. Are I agree with you? Those are favorites for sure. They're just they feel good and I almost feel like I can try anything. So I am thankful that that's my first club back in a really long time. And then also just I'll always get in my head about new material

where I'm like I has to be all new. And years ago, after our half hours in neat Barghatty and I were talking and he was saying, you know what I'm doing on the road is I'm saying up top, I'm gonna go as long as I can with my new stuff and then I'll tell you when we got to dip into the old, which I really liked because it just is like I put a lot of pressure on myself to always bring like new material. And then going back to what you just said, like I gotta

get back to stand up. Part of me is like can I write just like an hour on burritos or something, you know, just like, let's I just want to do. I got fun topics like find instead of trying to dismantle the patriarchy. Well, I think also, yeah, you do that at your last special, you know, you kind of like I had to do a certain thing. And I think the good reminder is that you're doing this because stand up is supposed to be fun. It's not supposed to be so grueling, right, It's supposed to be fun.

At least the time you're on stage should be fun. So that's a good reminder. Anyway, you sound like you're in a great space to give advice to our callers today, So I mean the time it could not be better. Readers Digest most uplifting comic of the year. Here. We have callers that call in, we have people that write it, we have people that zoom in and we just give them our feedback, and people are really earnest and they call in with serious stuff. So we're just going to

tell them what we think. And usually people call in when they've already made a decision and they need a nudge in that direction from like the braver, bigger sister to be like, hey, go take a leap of faith. So, but yeah, should we get started? Katherine, did you guys meet? Did I even introduce you? I don't think we officially did. I'm Catherine. I'm such a terrible host. I'm so sorry. Catherine doing great. Catherine's great. I like your heir. Thanks,

I loved your specials. I watched them. Thank you. So we'll a quick break and then we'll come back with questions. Okay, and we're back. Today's guest is best selling, really hysterical stand up comedian, and Catherine is our producer who is here every episode, and we are ready to get into it. Yes, our first question comes from DESI. Dear Chelsea, on one episode, you mentioned going to dinner with Joe and his ex wife. I've been in a lesbian relationship with my partner for

the past eight years. She's divorced and has children. With her previous husband. Any tips on how you can initiate a relationship with her ex husband without being crazy jealous. I know for the sake of the kids it would be a great thing, but I don't know how to navigate the feelings I feel when he's around. The kids have expressed wanting to do functions with everyone, but my insecurities have stopped me from participating. Any tips would help.

Thanks and keep kicking, ask DESI, Oh, well, that's so easy, Like don't you just want to be an addition, not a subtraction, right? You want to be in addition to people's lives and to the betterment of This is your partner, this is these are her children. Obviously you care about them and about being a positive influence and being a role model, and those are all the reasons you need to just reach out like there's nothing going on with them.

You've been with her for eight years. Your insecurities you just have to put in a box and like visit them when you come home at night if you still want to go there, And my instinct is that you probably won't want to go there after you extend yourself like that with other people. You feel so good about

yourself and you feel so good about the situation. Yeah. Absolutely, I would say fake it till you make it, because you just need to get there, get yourself at the event, be pleasant, especially if the husband is not a monster and didn't do anything bad. You know, relationships come and go, and uh, it's sort of important that you are a

positive force. Like Chelsea said, So, I think that you once you actually get yourself there and our kind and you're and you're doing going through the motions and actually come for real and you'll see the benefits of of a blended family. Yeah, and then you become a hero because then everyone's like, oh, look at her. You know, olive branch. Here, olive branch. It's not even an olive branch because this person probably never did anything to you.

So it's just being decent. And then that act extends and extends and extends, and you're just gonna be happier for it, I promise you. I feel like maybe there is a small like this. I have all kinds of stuff like these relationships in my family with my sisters, like what this person is going through, and I think you have to remember that they're not with that person. The X husband for a reason. So they've they've been with you for eight years and that ended for a reason.

And just by being there showing up, it will only solidify that that you are the right person for them and the great partner. So yeah, and at the risk of being another white lady recommending Untamed by Glennon Doyle, read Untamed by Glennon Doyle, like she talks about all this stuff like co parenting and dinners with her ex and her wife and it's really lovely and makes it not seems so gary. Also, yeah, it could potentially even

strengthen your relationship with your partner. And also another thing to note is any time you're having any emotion related to jealousy, which many emotions lead to, then it's important to negate it, like to say, okay, that's not or invalidated. I should say, to remind yourself that jealousy is not a helpful or useful emotion and it will only hinder you.

So whenever you're having misgivings about something, or you're feeling insecure or competitive or whatever however it presents, when you reduce it down and find out that it's jealousy, Oh I'm jealous of this, then you have to kind of act out against that. That's the only way to kind of extinguish jealousy from your life. Yeah. Well, our next question comes from Bells. Dear Chelsea, two months into my marriage, my husband found out that he's inheriting millions of dollars.

Excellent update. It's enough to obviously make a significant change in our lives, but nothing crazy like we can quit our jobs and retire in our thirties. I feel insanely fortunate to have this new financial cushion in my life, especially since I'm quitting my job and going back to school, but I'm mostly feeling very lonely. He comes from some wealth and I come from a family of five living off forty dollars a year. I don't feel like I can tell anyone except my closest friend, because I have

no idea how people would react. I have no idea how to feel about it. I'm crazy thankful for the opportunities that this springs, but lonely as fuck. I'm writing to you to hopefully get some insight as to how you handled coming to fame and the wealth that came along with it. XO XO Bells. Hi bells h Elsea, how's it going? Hi? I say hi to Beth today. She's our guest. Hi bell n Hi. So okay, so your your husband is coming into a significant amount of money. Yes, great,

this is good news. But you seem very very fearful about this. Yeah, it's just kind of I've never known what that's like. I grew up without money, so it's kind of like growing up with financial trauma in a sense. I mean, it's not my money, but it's our money, I guess, and it's just a very odd place to be. I can relate, even just like having made money on my own my mom as a teacher and she raised me and my two sisters, and even like when I get a writing job and television and we find out

how much I make per week, we squeal. You know, it's like and I've been doing it now for years. So I think it's something that's really hard to get used to, especially if you're when you're growing up, you were used to whatever it was, fast food, or every time you get to a register it's like, you know, a shock each time, or having to return things you know at the at the un till. So I think the thing that resonated with me that you said is the lonely part. Have you been able to talk about

it with your husband yet or shared some of those feelings. Yeah, definitely a bit. It's we had no idea that it was coming, and so it's definitely taken a lot of time to adjust, and throughout that adjustment we've been able to talk about it more. But I guess he's just in a different Money to him is a little bit different. He didn't have that fear growing up, so it's just we're coming at a different level. I would say. I would also, you know, urge you to like this has

all the makings of being something positive. You know, it doesn't have to. I understand you don't come from money. I didn't come from money either, but I mean I was never starving or anything, but I didn't definitely didn't

have wealthy parents. But it's a gift. You know. You have to look at it with positivity and like brightness and excitement, like you're gonna be responsible, You're gonna rely on yourself because you've had the life experience that you had, which was struggling financially, and that's why you're a great candidate for this to happen to you know what I mean, because you're going to be responsible about it. You're not

going to blow all your money, you know. You make these commitments to yourself to kind of instill the confidence that you need to kind of handle this gift that's coming into your life. Does that make sense? Absolutely? Yeah. And it has been like such a gift. It's given us the opportunity to pursue career paths that we didn't have the opportunity to before. And that's just completely life changing and something that I would have never expected to

be given. Yeah, yeah, that sounds awesome. Are you struggling with feeling like it's yours as a couple? Not so much? Not good? I think that's really good. Then that's a really good sign because I think that that would be my instinct to be like, oh gosh, well it's not mine, I'm not entitled to it, and I didn't earn it, and and those things, unfortunately, like Chelsea said, are those

are the negative thoughts? And I think that taking a positive spin on this, like it is a gift, and because you're used to being more careful with your money, you will be responsible with it, you know, And you're not going to do anything crazy. And the other thing that comes to mind too is, of course it sounds like you're gonna be investing in careers that you guys

are more attached to or connected to. And then the other way would be to make sure you give a little of it away and two things that you care about and that might also help make it feel positive. Definitely looking forward to that aspect of it. I have a lot of giving nature to me and I'm just like I I think the loneliness aspect of kind of like seeing the people around me just in my daily life struggle and it's like why why do I deserve this over these other people? Like here, take this please?

But that's not necessarily responsible. I understand there's also a weight to it. I've struggled with where it's it's like it doesn't just mean nothing to me, you know, where if I if I am generous right to me. I've struggled with the line between getting taken advantage of and being generous because I do want to share and and help, But I think that that's something just to also be wary of, is not I'm not saying be head on a swivel people are going to take advantage of you.

But I think that is like an aspect of it. Chelsea, what do you think about that? Yeah, I mean there's a definitely responsibility, and I think everything you're saying is right already. You're not talking about going and getting a ferrari, you know what I mean. You're not talking about blowing your money on bullshit. And of course there might be a couple of things that you are extravagant that you place into your life, but you're already having the dialogue

with yourself that's responsible. So I think you should let go of some of this burden that you're placing on yourself. It's unnecessary and you're giving yourself kind of stress where there doesn't need to be. You know, you've had all the right thoughts and you're and you're in the right place, Like everything's lining up to be for you to be successful and responsible with this and not be an asshole.

You can always press that button when you're getting your coffee, absolutely always, yeah, yeah, and you know you can't control who the You know, this isn't something that you is actively pursued, So stop also playing that narrative around about all your friends and why do you deserve this? And we don't know why anybody deserves what anybody gets, but just be responsible with what you do get. Yeah, And that's the thing about money is that allows us to

have power in this society. And you can hit that h you know, give a little extra at the holidays, find some organizations that you really love to give to. But even in our pre interview call, you had mentioned like, well, I'm going back to school and I was gonna sign up for scholarships, but how can I do that when I have this gift? And you know, maybe the gift is you pay for your own school and someone else

qualifies for that scholarship who really needed it. So you know, you just never know who is going to need exactly that in their life. A couple of books too, I just happened to be reading. This one is called Uneasy You're always reading books about finances because that's the fucking last thing I'm reading. So it's a great Well, this

one I just thought was so fascinating. It's called Uneasy Street and it's by Rachel Sherman, and it reads a little bit like it was probably her doctoral dissertation at some point, so it's a little dry in parts, but it's a book about like not the point one percenters, but like one percenters in New York City who are like raising a family and doing a renovation and what

you talked about with this loneliness around money. She interviews these people and most of them won't talk to anybody about how much they make, and so it's sort of like feels very secretive for them to be divulging this to this writer. But the way they talk about the money. She breaks down the different styles of how these people feel about the money that they have, whether they inherited it or have a high paying job or whatever it is.

And I think it would be really a really good read for you to see that you're not alone and there are a lot of different ways that people feel about having quite a big sum of money. And then another one is you are a badass at making money. So obviously, at first blush that sounds like it's not what you're trying to do. But what she does is she helps you to reframe how you think about money so that it doesn't just feel like this kind of deadweight thing. It feels a little bit more like what

can I do? How does this give me agency in the world to help others around me or to help myself in a way that I can be a light to those around me. Thank you. Well, there you go, Bells. So keep us posted and let us know. Okay, give us send us in an update and keep in touch so we can see what happens and all the great things you're able to accomplish. Cool. Thank you so much. I appreciate it. Yeah, I love you. Good luck with school. Thanks all right. Our next caller is Kelsey. She's in

her thirties. Dear Chelsea. Five years ago, I met a guy through a mutual friend and we had an instant connection. We dated for a few months, but ultimately I wanted a commitment and he was not ready for that as he had recently ended a long term relationship. It was heartbreaking, but several months later I started dating my crush at work. He was dreamy, tall, dark, handsome, well dressed, and mysterious. He pursued me, but I could never actually tell if

he liked me. I was so nervous around him, I felt myself constantly seeking his approval. Whenever I saw a deeper connection, he was dismissive and made me feel like I was asking for too much. I started acting out in the relationship, yelling, slamming doors, doing things not in my nature at all. Eventually I broke things off. Several months after things ended with Guy Too, I bumped into

Guy one and we rekindled things. He's been an amazing partner to me, and after years of failure in dating, I feel so safe and seen in this relationship we just moved in together. But Chelsea, I need your help. I still think about Guy Too constantly. I think about the what ifs and what our relationship could have been. I'm so happy with my current boyfriend, and he is funnier, smarter, and more emotionally intelligent than Guy Too ever was so why am I still so hung up on this guy?

I've been in therapy and I've done a lot of personal growth. You even inspired me to do ayahuasca. But I can't take this obsession, Chelsea. I need a reality slap and some tough love. How do I let this guy go? Kelsey? Hi, Kelsey, Hi, Hi. This is Beth. Hi. Hello. Beth is using her bedroom voice today, and by the way, we're all we're all going by Kelsey from now on. Okay, so we're in this together. You need to read the book Attached, because it talks about exactly what the dynamic is.

You're rejected blah blah blah, but you're from an anxious kind of attachment. He's from uh, an avoidant and anxious and avoid it. They basically, I mean, they paint this picture for you. It's perfect. You read about hundreds of different relationships and just there are three dynamics that are at play at all times, and when we are for

some reason, we are addicted to that dynamic. When you are an anxious attachment, you're addicted to somebody who's avoided and the goal is to find a secure person, which it sounds like you've found. You've did together. You're happy, you're free. It literally is just your ego knocking at your door and you're beholden to it and you're allowing yourself to be So you just need to read a very like easy book to read and you will get it. I promise you after you read that book. Did you

ever read that book, Katherine, No, I haven't. So it's just so, I mean, it's like paints every relationship dynamic you've ever been in. And then you're like, oh, you know, it's the tale as old as time. We love to be addicted to our last rejection. Yeah, it's basically just like this taste like ship. Yeah, I will have some more. Thank you so much. I don't know that I need to read the book too, apparently I've written it down, Kelsey. Do you bring up your ex the guy number two

to guy number one? Sorry? No, I don't talk about my ex to my current boyfriend. I wouldn't want to like burden him with that. But does he know anything about him? We've talked about exes in like loose terms before, but he certainly doesn't know that I still have an attachment to him. Are you in touch with him at all? So we do work together, so I do see him at work unfortunately, Oh well that's a big part of it. Then you're still seeing them, yeah? Is it every day

you're back in the office or is it zooming? Yeah? Not every day okay, but still you're seeing them? Yeah, And I think mostly I just want to get I feel like really emotionally reactive when I see him, Like like my heartbeats faster and like my stomach turns, and I just want to let go of that emotional attachment

I still have. Yeah, that's a tough one, the physical reaction and having to see them again, because that happens for a lot of people, but they're never like they might see them once, you know, in years, so still having to work with that person. I can imagine why that would why this is a little bit more ever present or having trouble letting go. See. The issue for me sometimes is social media. When you can tell what they're up to now, whether they've moved on or they're

with someone new or like, it reveals too much. Unfortunately, we know too much. Yeah, I had to even like on friends on Venmo. My ex blocked me on everything, including Venmo and Spotify. I mean I dunked them, but I think they just didn't want to know what I was up to at all. It's so funny to do the Venmo block. It reveals a lot. It's surprisingly reveals a lot. I know, like they paid this version for dinner, this person for weed slash cake, and then who else

they're with. It is true, you're right, does Venmo allow you to see their other transfers? Yes? You better put yourself on private, Chelsea. I'm not on Venmo, Beth, you sink I know how to pay something like I don't even know what the funk that is. For a long time, I thought Venmo was a record store. I was like, what, there are those back? You know? I'm not. I can't believe you could watch other people's transactions. That's right, Hannibal. Sometimes we'll just comment. He just gets on Venmo and

says cool, like that is funny. Anyway, Kelsie, listened to me. You are way better than this, and you are way tougher than this. Okay, so you have to find that inner part of yourself that is above this, and maybe it needs to be extinguished with this guy. Maybe you need to actually see him for longer periods of time so he can do the very thing that will turn your stomach and make you realize that you're with the right person, not the wrong one. But it's all ego.

You're allowing your ego to control you, and that's never going to be your winning game. Right, You're cooler than that. You're gonna get past this. And yeah, allow yourself as much exposure as you think you need with this guy, because I guarantee you he will give you all the tools you need to get past it. Yeah, I think that's true. I think reading the book will help. I do know about attachment theory, but I haven't actually read that book, so I'm sure that will help a lot.

And yeah, I do think seeing him maybe for longer periods of time, just to remind myself of why things broke off in the in the first place. So yeah, and remind yourself every day, like, remind yourself how grateful you are to be in a healthy relationship where you're seen and loved and appreciate it. Keep reminding yourself of that, you know, because eventually that feeling will take over. Yes, for sure, for sure, Thank you, Chelsea. Oh you're welcome, Kelsey.

It's actually Kelsey for you to have a good rest of the day. Thank you. Is it really? Am I really using a bedroom voice? Do you feel at the beginnings when you say hello, it's like your phone It must be your phone voice where you like think what it is is if I have a mic close to my mouth, I feel like I don't want to be harsh. There it is again, that's your bedroom voice. Well it's definitely not harsh, so I mean, go with it. It's good. There is nothing worse than having old feelings for someone

that you're not with. It is the most It's like almost dehumanizing. It makes you feel so small when someone else controls you're feeling in that way, you know, the way like butterflies. I mean not in the good way,

because butterflies can be right but true. But the what she described is that physical feeling, like because I've dated comics, so it's like you're gonna see him at the club again or whatever, or you know somebody on the other coast if you're over there, and it is that physical reaction, a heartbeat or your stomach turning, and you don't know how it's gonna go between you. You're just like, I don't know what they're gonna say to me, and the anxiousness of it. Yeah yeah, And they know you or

that who you were at that time. That's the other part, the intimacy of knowing you in that certain way. I feel like it's more reckless with comics because they have a microphone in front of their mouth. I always like to get the first time out of the way with any awkward reinteraction with somebody or reintroduction or first time

after something happened. I feel like it's important to get that out of the way so that you can move on to the next stuff, because it's always that that we put so much weight on and we think so heavily about, and if we could just like fast forward to it and just do it, like look forward to it, you know, because once you do that, then that's that's the last first time you're going to have to see them again. Yeah, that's true. We'll take a quick break for an ad and then we'll be right back with

Beth selling. Hi, guys, we're back. We're back with Bath and Catherine and Beth. You've been such a delight. I love speaking with you. I'm so glad that we could arrange for you to be odd. I know, thank you so much for having me. I love the pod, and you know, I really I was gonna say I really care about you, which then started to feel weird. Um, but I am really happy to be here with you.

It was just nice to talk, especially because I know you can understand, so I appreciate you even just sharing what you did about, you know, taking the break and

I don't know coming back. I've thought about different ways to reinvigorate myself, and but yeah, I was struggling with what we were saying, which is you you're so prolific and you're writing in your books, I mean massively, and there has been part of me that's like, oh, I should write a book and all friend even Phoebe Robinson has an imprint and she's even mentioned to me like, hey, have you thought about And it's like, what's stopping me? Is it me? Am I being self sabotaged? You right now?

Am I being a whiny baby after my special or is it? Really? It's not one way or the other. We just there's a pandemic going on, a lot of things going on in the world, and I just have to start over. And that's something that was delayed. And anytime you have to start over, it's difficult. So delaying it and not getting back on the road may have

extended those feelings. There you go, that's exactly right. You just need a little fire under your ass and you're gonna have to unfortunately light it yourself, you know, Yeah, yeah, Denver will hope, I think it will. It will. All you do is take a couple of like steps in the right direction, and then you're often you're running and everything starts going towards what you're working for, you know, And it's totally normal to feel you're the way you're feeling.

Do you know how many people who have said this, you know, who are like, I can't do anything, you feel desultory. It's just like it's so list Yeah, it's like, oh fuck, what's the point of anything? Yeah? But what if you know what you do is going to save somebody? What if what you right is going to save somebody? And it will most likely you know, you're going to have an impact on others. And if that's the motivation

you need, then use that. Yeah I will. And just like we said, I remember, have a little more fun on the road, Like people are happy there to see you, and it's just there to have a good time because I am thankful for them every time they show up. It's just like that weird almost block I put up when you Sometimes it feels like that at the comedy store, like there's other you know, there's venues that you love that you feel comfortable and you can just get right

into yourself. I feel very like much like that at Largo or but the store. Sometimes the dudes in the front I just get this vibe. It's like arms crossed, like we'll see if you can make me laugh. And that's the vibe that I'm almost projecting, which these people don't deserve. They paid to come see me. So I need to just sort of get a little more positive with that. Yeah, and maybe stay away from the comedy store for a while if it's going to bring out

those feelings in you. You know, I find the common I would never go to the comedy store. Watch I'll be there next week. But I mean, you know, don't like go to places that don't make you feel good until you can go there and feel good no matter what happens. Absolutely I agree with that. I've avoided Buffalo for years. I can't say any of the cities I'm trying to avoid because I'm about to go. I'm about to go to every single one. It's gonna say, you're

facing your fears. Yeah, well that before we let you go. Do you have a piece of advice you'd like to ask of challenge? Well, I've milked it slowly throughout. I knew what I was, I got what I needed. But I ask a question would be how many times is the regular amount of times to pee in the night. Oh god, you know what, I think. I go too many times. I go. I've been going to be like four times every single night, and I feel like that's

a lot. I think something's wrong. Well, Joe doesn't pea at all in the middle of the night, so it's definitely a female thing, which we know. But it used to be two times and now it's four times. I'm up there as well. I'll go to the doctor and find out for the both of us. Actually, I'm a doctor, so I don't. I just I look into it and i'll announce it on next week. You know. I need to go back and watch your special in the beginning and take the notes on what I need to take.

Oh yeah, and when they I'll send you. I'll send you a special subscription. I mean prescription EXCT. Actually no, I'll send you a subscription and then I'm prescription. They go well together, all right. Thank you, Beth. Yeah, thanks for having me. I can't wait to see your new stuff. You'll need to see you in first and your new stuff. Okay, bye bye bye, Thanks Beth. Yeah, well, Charlsa, do you want to tell us about you? Show dates coming up? Guys,

I'm coming February three. I have two shows in Portland. The second show still has tickets, so please get them. And then I'm coming to Eugene on the five, and then I am going back to Whistler, and then I have more dates coming up all over Canada in March and April, and then I'm coming back to the States

for the remainder of my Vaccinated and Horny tour. I'm coming to Louisville, Kentucky, Birmingham, Alabama, Montclair, New Jersey, Santa Rosa, California, all sorts of ship So get your tickets and I will see you on my stand up tour. Also for tickets to Vancouver and Calgary. I really apologize for all the changing of dates, but now the Grammys have been rescheduled for the day that I was going to reschedule

my Vancouver dates. And I don't get nominated for Grammys very often people, so I have to go to those. So we are rescheduling again the Vancouver and Calgary dates. They are most likely to be rescheduled in August. But you can always check my website we will update, or Instagram or Twitter. We updated all the time and as soon as we have those dates locked in, you will hear about it, so my apologies and any tickets you

have will be nerd for those new rescheduled dates. And if you'd like to get advice from Chelsea and one of her guests, please write into Dear Chelsea Project at gmail dot com