Okay, Hi, Hi Chelsea, Hi, how are you?
I'm great? How are you?
I'm sorry, I'm sucking on a energize energy mint.
I'm trying to all those a thing.
I know. I'm trying out all these little different sources of energy because you know, I don't really drink coffee. Yeah, so excuse my sucking. Welcome to the show, everybody. I don't think We announce last week that my book is available for pre order.
My new book.
It's called I'll Have What She's Having, very title my editor came up with just to be on the just to go on the record and make sure people don't think I'm talking about myself that way. But it's available for pre order, uh everywhere, Amazon, Barnes and Noble. They're signed copies at Barnes and Noble. I signed ten thousand books, hopefully ten thousand. I'm not about eighty five hundred right now, so I have fifteen hundred to go and I think i'll finish it.
I usually get the job done. And they're available at.
Amazon, Target, Bookshop dot Org, Audible, Barnes and Noble, Apple Books, BAM Books.
A million.
That was the one I was thinking of. Okay, so you can pre order my book anywhere. It comes out February twenty fifth, which is my fiftieth birthday. So I was very excited to unveil the cover on Instagram and on some sort of I think it was People Magazine, Yes, Able Magazine, Yes, and everybody get your copy because we're going to have a book club.
And so if they want to signed copy, do they just go to one of these real first ten.
Thousand I think so the first ten thousand, I'm not really sure.
We'll find out. You can find out we're here.
I don't know, they just said, but I know for sure Barnes and Noble bookseller and then Bam Books a million has signed copies.
Awesome, that's fantastic.
And then we have another book author coming, book author, author of a book coming on the show today. Who's here with us today. She's an actor and director and her name is Riley Keo. She is the co author of From Here to the Great Unknown, which is the memoir of her late mother, Lisa Marie Presley. She is the granddaughter of Priscilla and Elvis Presley and now the sole trustee of Graceland. Please welcome Riley Keyo.
Hi, Riley Keo, Hi, guys, so cute. First of all, I want to say, we're sitting here in my house. Else it's still not done.
I watched a lot of your interviews in promotion of your book, which is Everybody's nose by now. It's called From Here to the Great Unknown by Lisa Marie Presley and Riley Keo, and I've been watching your interviews and I just want to say. I wanted to start by saying that with everything you've experienced in your life and everything that you have been through and exposed to, you have a very calm and grounded aura about you, really, and it's very easy to see.
So congratulations on that.
Thank you. That's that's an achievement.
Yes it is.
I don't feel that way, but the aura is you don't feel that way important not all the time.
Do you feel that way any of the time.
I do. Some of the time.
I have felt that, but I definitely have felt many other things.
Yeah, I would imagine that to be true.
So I was reading your book and when I got to the end and was reading the little author's notes, and it said at the end of yours, it says she is the eldest daughter of Lisa Marie Presley and sole trustee of Graceland.
And now I thought that sentence.
I was like, like, that made me just feel so overwhelmed for you, like the soul trustee of Graceland, Like, what does that mean to you?
You know, I don't know. I think it just I think it's actually meaningful to me.
I think it's something that I have always even when I wasn't the soul trustee. It's something that I've participated in in a sense with my mom, and we were very close, so like a lot of the Graceland stuff, I was already involved in with her. So I don't know, to be honest, it doesn't really.
Feel like like that intense to me.
Well, I think that.
I think on paper it sounds yeah.
I did. I was like, oh, I don't know that kind of responsibility.
Yeah, I mean there's luckily like there's a lot of people involved, so it's not all on just my.
Show, right. Of course, I've been running that operation for a while.
I was there a few years ago when I was performing over there is there a venue?
Yeah, I think I performed there. That's where I was. Yeah.
Okay, so this book was your mom wanted to write a book, and she asked you to help her with it. There's parts that are in your voice, and there are parts in her voice, and it's.
Heavy and beautiful and joyful.
And you had so many beautiful, joyful experiences growing up and crazy experiences and different people in and out of your lives, And so I wonder, what does it feel like a to be the granddaughter of someone so legendary and knowing so much about him through your own family, but without ever having met him yourself.
Well, I think my answer is probably a lot less interesting than people would want it to be. But it's felt very normal to me. I'm aware, obviously that it's a unique situation, but I think that my perception of him was always familial, and my relation to him, even though I didn't meet him, was through my family, so
it felt personal. But I, you know, I can acknowledge the how unique it is, but I think that even though he was always around and his music was always playing, and he was kind of everywhere all the time, it's still just felt like a personal family connection.
Have you ever sat and watched his films and and been like, oh my god, this is my grandfather, this is where I've come from.
I have, but I think I'm like the kind of person who's like obsessed with where I came from anyway. So it's what's really cool is that I have so much of it to look at, you know. I think that I'm like very interested in my family history and my family tree on both sides of my family.
So it's actually very cool.
And one of the coolest things for me being like obsessed with where I've come from is that our entire family tree and everything because of like archives at Graceland, we have like a whole detailed thing. But yeah, it's I definitely, especially when I was a teenager, would watch performances.
And so with your mother and her losing her father at the age of nine, that was obviously something that she struggled with her throughout her life. And the way you speak about your mother is in almost and you say this in the beginning of the book. You say, like I almost have I forget the exact wording, but like a maternal instinct, like maybe I sometimes think about if I were mother a mother to my own mother and to my grandmother, which I thought was very powerful.
Yea, So tell me a little bit about that.
I when I was writing, I was talking to my publisher and I said that, and then I thought, well, I'm going to put it in the book because I don't really know exactly what it means, but it's how I felt. And I think that that was a feeling I had as far back as I could remember that I felt like I wanted to protect my mother and I guess nurture her or mother her. And I had that with my grandmother too, So I don't know what why.
I think maybe and not to say by the way, they they were both great parents and my mother was extremely nurturing, but I just felt this desire to or empathy.
It was probably empathy. Honestly.
Yeah, I think it's totally natural.
I mean, I think you want a mother as a woman, like you know, you want to protect the people that you love, and that becomes the kind of like mothering kind of not role. But you can be a mother to your own mother sometimes and I think you certainly have been.
And what's from what's in the book, I think.
So, I mean, I think it's it's it's more common than I had realized in my twenties that you get to this point and you can become the mother, or your relationship changes with your mother. Yeah, in my case it was kind of drastic because there was drug use, so it was like a kind of a three sixty situation. But yeah, it's like kind of an inevitable circumstance, whether it's due to age or something, you know.
So I think that it's always in you, I guess.
Yeah.
I think that it's also the role that your father has played in your life and your brother's life and your mother's life. Always this constant, you know, this constant presence, and them living together even after they divorced and all and that relationship and how long they stuck together and how he, as you say, was such a protector of hers. What does your relationship to your father mean to you after having gone through all of these losses together.
Well, our relationship, my whole life has been incredibly close. Actually all of us, my mom, my dad, my brother, all of us four and my two younger sisters, but primarily us four.
We're very very close.
And I think that there's this sense like that we're the only two left out of that family that was created. And I also didn't expect it to be me and him, so there's this weird you know, he's kind of a wild card, my dad, and he's I hope he one day writes his own book because his story is so fascinating, regardless of my mom, Like he's just one of those
people that has most insane life. But I think that there is this sense of we share a lot of the same experiences and loss and grief and suffering in a sense, but also the love that was there, So it is very unique.
Like I feel very grateful to have him.
I mean, yeah, I mean during this time of loss or I know it wasn't right back to back, but between your brother and your mother, I mean, you needed another witness there.
I mean anybody would. Are you close? You're still close with your grandmother, right.
I am, Yeah, We're close. We are.
She's wonderful. I mean we've been close my whole life, and I think that a lot.
I've been doing a lot of press.
Who've you know, asked about a relationship, because obviously there was a lot of news when my mom passed, But ultimately, like we have never I mean to this day, have never really had an argument.
And we're fairly close.
You know, we're pretty average family other than the random, you know, lawsuit and.
Did all right? All right, I wasn't even talking about that.
Did that get sorted out? Okay, okay, great, that's good to know. So, but your father lives and you live in.
LA and your father lives in LA.
Right, yeah, So, I mean, I don't know, I kind of looked at it like I was reading it and I'm like, God, your dad and you kind of sound like soulmates.
Yeah.
I think we.
All like there was a sense between all of us that we were soulmates or something, you know, like him and my mother, my brother and myself and my father. There's there was such closeness there that I think a lot of my processing of their loss is like also processing the closeness as well and realizing how unique that was.
Well, you talk about in the book when your brother took his life and that you knew that your mom wasn't going to be able to survive that for very long instinctively, and you talk about how you guys all just kind of came together and stayed in the house and really grieved together and didn't talk about anything other than Ben and you know, really honored him. And I thought that was very powerful because not a lot of people know how to do something like that.
No, And I think that it was a unique situation because it was COVID, so there was also nothing to do and we were all stuck in the house and so but I also felt very grateful for it because I think that had life been its usual self, that maybe I would have, I don't know, tried to escape some of the pain. And I think that the way that we grieved, you know, it's obviously like a lifelong process, but in that moment.
Was really effective.
I just kept feeling like, in the moment, like the only way out is through I remember, and I just felt like I had to feel it all and had to be present through it. And I think that because we were all staying in this house and because it was you know, the pandemic, it allowed for that kind of grief which I normally you just kind of just go, you know, go back to work and have to process while you're juggling life.
Well, it seems like your mom, from what I read, organized times for you guys to be creative, to gather and grieve together and process. Can you talk a little bit about that.
Yeah, I mean I think that when he passed like her whole life was then grief grieving my brother, like in mourning essentially, and I think that at times that was intense because that was you know, she had a very strong personality, and so whatever she was feeling was how the room was feeling. So I think that her
feelings dictated everybody around. And I think that she was kind of firm in not wanting to ever stop grieving my brother, and so it was kind of like when you're with around me, like I'm in pain, and that's just how it is. But the honesty in it was really I mean, her in her whole life and in her grief was very powerful too.
Did you feel at all like you suspected your mother wouldn't be able to survive Ben's death and that she was going to struggle with it, which initially she didn't, right she stayed sober for a while you write about, but did you.
Feel at all?
I mean, it felt like when you were on the plane ride coming home and texting with your dad about you know, whether or not she was alive still that there was almost an acceptance from you that that was the way it was going to be, instead of sometimes you know, we resist and fight the reality.
That we're in.
I think a lot of my lifetime has been acceptance, just being around a lot of addiction and situations that were not in my control. So by the time she passed, I think I had had a lot of practice in accepting what is, not that it's not painful, but I think that you know, through her addiction, my brother, you know, things with my father, like what, There's been a lot of things where I've just had to like, there's nothing
to do other than surrender to what's happening. So and there were other things that had happened with her health, like she had a seizure, which I mentioned in the book prior, So there were these moments where I kind of had placed myself in that scenario. And also through her addiction, I thought it was a very likely outcome that she wasn't going to make it through her addiction. So there was a lot of bumps in the road
along the way. But I think ultimately when my brother died, I did I could see that she was here, you know, begrudgingly, you know, And so there was for whatever reason I in that moment, I did feel a sort of I don't know, I just felt like I accepted whatever was going.
Down, and also the idea that she's finally at peace, right and on some new adventure, and and I mean, I know you're probably spiritual, right.
I gathered that from your writing.
Yeah, I think that's the other thing is that I like, through these things that have happened, I think I've I've chosen to look at death in a way that feels I don't know, truthful, like the most like from my experiences, I guess through loss and through grief and stuff, I guess I've chosen that I like to look at it is more of like a wonder of life as opposed to like the end. So I think that I try to apply that because we have, you know, no idea, So I like to live in the the wonder of it instead.
Of the I like people who talk about that they had the idea that they do know what's going to happen. It's or that when people say something like drowning is the most peaceful way to die, You're.
Like, who told you that?
Yeah?
Who told you that?
How worstnight?
No shit, I'm like, that is the worst possible scenario. What do you feel a responsibility? I'm sure you do, but how do how does this work in your life with your younger sisters?
How old are they?
They're sixteen?
Oh yeah, so you're like, are you like a mama bear to them?
I think so, you know, they're I'm not their mom, but I am. I am their older sister, and I think that I've you know, spent a lot of my life. I'm twenty years older than them, so it feels more like an aunt or a mother kind of relationship than I don't know. The other day, one of them said, you feel like you're my age. I was like, oh, thanks, but I yeah, it's definitely more like a you know, I'm much older.
So it does have that sort of dynamic.
And do you feel a sense of responsibility to continue your mom's spirit with your sisters and to like carry on the traditions that she gave you guys and talk to rely.
Yeah, I definitely, And they do too. You know, they want to, like they want to, you know, honor her and do things.
She did and stuff.
I don't push them in any direction, but I kind of see what indicates to them and then follow their lead in that.
It's funny when I read about your dad and your mom. They both have such huge personalities. You could see that. And I'm not saying you don't have a huge personality. I'm just saying when you come from two people with a huge with two big personalities like that, how do you find your way? Because you're an artist too.
Yeah, I think that my dad is actually probably more similar to me. Like I would say that I'm actually I would say I'm an introvert, and I would say my dad is as well. I think that through like film and having to be in this world, I can be extroverted, but but naturally, like I am more of an introvert, and not in a sort of like shy way,
but just in a quiet way. I don't know if that has to do with my mom being so large or not, but yeah, I I've thought about that before because she was such a you know, presence, but I don't really think so. I think that it's maybe just my personality.
Were you were you or lack there of?
Were you were you nervous when you sang for a Daisy and the sixth? No you were it?
I wasn't because I don't know.
I think like I have like something wrong with me where I I like don't get nervous really really yeah, I know, I don't know why. I just I think it's like I have a sense of humor. Maybe do you have fears? Oh yeah, okay, I have fears.
Because I was gonna say that's usually when you have no fear, that means something.
It's like you're a mag dela. You don't have a.
You know, I'm like a total like neurotic out person. But it's it's like about you know, my hypochondriac like it's other things.
But I don't know.
I think I just like if I fail at something like this, or if I was to try to sing and I couldn't do it, I just I don't know. I just didn't take it very seriously.
I guess that's refreshing seriously. I mean, especially in this industry, a lot of people are very self serious.
Yes I know, I'm very not self serious.
Okay.
So you spend a lot of time at Neverland and on top of Graceland, which Oprah mentioned, She's like, this is the only woman that's lived in Graceland and Neverland. Well, how do you view like Michael Jackson and your experience with him?
My experience with Michael was obviously like through a six year old me's lens, So it was like very fun and larger than life, and you know, all the things that we would do together were always like big events. So it was just like my memory of it was just everything was fun all the time. But my life was kind of like that, Like our life was kind of nuts, you know, in comparison to my life now, which is very small and kind of normal.
You know.
So I think Michael and my mom both enjoyed creating these extravagant scenarios.
So that was kind of my experience, right.
But with the impact of everything that we found out about Michael Jackson and all the allegations, like did that have an impact on your view of the situation.
Of their marriage?
Of their marriage and just yeah, like did, I mean you must have been like are these things true right about him?
Yeah?
I think that.
I mean at the time, I wasn't aware of the case, and it just became something that was just sort of around,
Like there was never a conversation about it. I'm sure my mom would have had those conversations at the time with other people, but for me, it was just this thing that I guess I ended up just kind of knowing about But I never, like, there was never a conversation with my mom where she kind of sat me down and went like, so, you know, right, it was this allegation, you know, but by the time that that was in my world, I was much older and Michael wasn't really right in my universe.
Well, when I was reading, I mean, I was surprised by what she was divulging in this book about being married to Michael Jackson, I was like, Oh, I didn't you know, as an outsider, you looked at that.
You didn't know that that was real.
You didn't know that they had chemistry, that they had an intimate relationship per se as an outsider. So I was like, oh wow, I found that fascinating. Yeah, so this is a nice scientology success story, right. It was nice that, like I've heard so many negative things about scientology, it was kind of nice to hear your mother them helping her get sober and ever and wanting to be there and that was.
The place she felt safest for a long time.
Yeah, I mean, I think it was like the way she would talk about it when she was here was very funny. Like I don't know if the tone comes across in the book, but it was kind of like nobody would take care of her. But you know, so I think she felt this sense of like community and really cared for when she was a teenager, and I think she was you know, self proclaimed, like very difficult. So I think that, you know, that was her experience.
And then did she she ended up leaving scientology at a certain point.
Right, yeah, Well, she she like I think the way I phrased it was like I don't know if it was a chicken or the egg kind of a situation, but she basically when she started taking opiates, she kind of up and left like her whole life and moved to England and fired everyone in her life and left her religion and her life and her friends and just moved to England and wanted.
Like to totally start over.
And at the time, I wasn't aware that there was like a substance abuse issue, so it just sort of to a lot of people around just felt like this random, really intense cleansing cleansing of people and things, and nobody really understood what was going on. And then she got to England and then the sort of pills progressed, so it wasn't so much her leaving scientology. She kind of just like left her life a bit like it was an escape from everything.
What's your relationship with drugs and alcohol?
I would be so scared, if you know, like I mean, maybe not scared, mindful, Yeah, right, Yeah.
I think that I've never had like addiction issues. I've smoked cigarettes for a really long time and that was hard for me to quit. But I never like had a sense that I had like a dependency on drugs or alcohol for whatever reason. I have no idea because my entire family or addicts, but it just, yeah, I think that there's like a fear there that it can I think the reason why I think there's a fear is because my mom's addiction was to me felt random.
So it felt like this like kind of scary thing that came out of nowhere.
But I don't I.
Don't foresee that, but I do have this sort of like fear around how it's sort of I don't know, I don't know what the fear is, but there is this yeah, but I don't know. I also just like I don't really like drinking, So I think that's well.
There you go, right, that's going to be helpful.
I mean, you know, and I think I think some people have that personality and some people don't. Yeah, And if you're in that kind of pain for that long amount, you know, for that period of time, And it was clear from reading this book that she was never getting over her her father dying, which why would you you know, a nine year old doesn't know how to digest that, and then that hits you.
Usually at forty.
Like I lost my brother when I was nine, and I went into deep deep therapy at forty because everything turned And like I can, I totally understand why it would creep up on her at that age, because you're suppressing and repressing for as long as possible, right, and escaping and all all of the other stuff. Okay, on that note, we're going to take a break and we'll be right back with Riley Keo.
Okay, and we're back, and.
We're gonna take some callers some questions for the rest of the episode. We sure are, and we're gonna give advice. You know, feel free to let it.
LL try my best.
I'm sure that you have very good advice that you don't even know about yet.
Well, our first question, yes, oh, Okay, thank you, thank you. I'm going to use this for the first you guys.
You guys have flirting right now, this sexual what's happening here? They're married, by the way.
Yes I knew this.
Our first question the subject is family secrets, and this comes from Jay Oh. Perfect Ja says, Dear Chelsea. I come from a large Catholic family and grew up with sixteen cousins on one side, the side that the secret involves. My grandparents had seven kids. I was the grandchild whose parents had me when they were young and never married. My mom's no longer in the picture. When my parents day, they hung out with his brother who was closest in
age to him and his then girlfriend, my aunt. This was around the end of the seventies, and when I was a kid, my mom told me that as teenagers that aunt and uncle got pregnant and had a baby.
Anyways, my aunt, aunt and uncle, the brother and sister.
No, no, no, sorry, So this is such a brother family.
This is a lot of these are a lot of characters. There's black of my brother after sixteen, I.
Was yeah, so her it's her dad's brother who was closest in age That aunt and uncle, so his girlfriend, and this is just an aunt and uncle one.
Of the okay, one of the okay.
When I was a kid, they got pregnant and had a baby. My aunt was of course moved to wherever for nine months for secrecy, and the baby was given up for adoption quietly. Yes, my uncle knew, and my mom knew because they were friends, but my grandparents didn't know. Nobody knew until my mom told me. My aunt and my uncle got married and have three other children together, So the oldest male cousin is not actually their oldest. Fast forward to about three years ago when I was
talking with my aunt. I was tipsy and I told her that I knew about her first child, this child, this child was a boy and would actually be the oldest cousin. She was an obvious disbelief, but told me they're still keeping the secret from their three other adult children. My aunt has met the son that they gave up. He came to a church function and sat in the back and saw his parents and siblings from afar. I
want to tell them so badly. Their other kids, the aunt and uncle are in their thirties and forties, and I'm bursting at the seams that I'm the only other person that knows this. Do I blow up my family and tell them or just shut the fuck up. I'll add that these three cousins of mine are super great people. They have spouses and kids of their own, and this is just so aft up. Thanks, Jay, I would keep.
That to yourself. It's not your place at all. In my opinion, you do not want to be This is not your secret to tell your mother. For telling her, her mother told her she's that big thumbs down. It's not your first These aren't your brothers and sisters.
This isn't your nuclear family.
I know they're your relatives, but yeah, mind your own business here, that's not your secret to tell.
What do you think?
I think I agree with you.
I've had some things like this in my family, and I think that it is best to not you know, I think unless it's a I don't know. I guess it depends on what your intention is. I think if it'll cause a lot of hurt, then maybe.
It's yeah, Well, you can have a good intention and it can still cause a lot of hurt, right, like you, it's not it's just it's like, it's not your information to share. And unfortunately you know about it, so that's your I mean, that's yeah. No, I don't think it's your information to share.
Yeah, so it's really it feels like it's just the three cousins that are her ageish that don't that are the important ones that don't know. You know, it's not like revealing an affair or anything like that.
Yeah, and you don't have.
Any sense of responsibility, Like again, it's not it's not your thing. And I mean I found out that I had a brother. My brothers and sisters found out that I had a brother. We had a brother, and I had absolutely no interest in pursuing that relationship. But I have already enough brothers and sisters, Like I didn't want to know that, you know what I mean.
So don't assume that you like what other people are gonna want either.
That's true.
So yeah, I would keep that to yourself and just try to forget that you even know that information?
Would you even? I mean, is there any world in which you'd encourage like the aunt to reach out or where you would reach out, like if you're this person who's bursting out the same.
Not to reach out, it's not her situation. Yeah, No, she's just accidentally found. It's like finding hearing overhearing a conversation. Pretend you overheard it and it's none of your business. That's what I would say, So, yeah, keep your mouth shut.
All right, Jay, there you have it.
It's encouraging to know that's happening to other families.
But I would suspect that's exactly right, especially with famous people, people coming out of the woodwork left and right.
The amount of cousins and I'm siblings and.
Yeah that, oh yeah, I'm sure.
Well, luckily now they have DNA testing, so you can actually be sure.
Luckily or unluckily. Yeah, right, yes, exactly all right, Well, Chris says, dear Chelsea, I was lucky to have the opportunity to bring two little boys into the world for another family as their surrogate. I know that sounds like your worst nightmare. The first surrogacy journey had a few hiccups, with the mom being a bit controlling, sending glass bottled water because our water wasn't suitable. Is this the surrogate talking yes, organic fruits and vegetables because she didn't think
the organic produce I purchased was good enough. But I chalked it up to her not being able to carry, so she wanted to be involved anyway she could. They asked me to carry their second embryo, and the pregnancy started out a bit different. They were very consumed with baby number one, and I get it because my wife and I have two very active kids on our own. I'd have to reach out to let them know that my OBI appointments went well, or that the ultrasound looked fine,
asked about the baby or me. The family is extremely well off, and I felt like I was just someone on their staff rather than a close friend like I felt with the first baby. At twenty eight weeks, I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes and that's when things started to go south. The mom was on me about my diet and exercise, even though the dietician she hired confirms that my diet was perfect and I was doing everything I could to ensure her babies and my health. At
thirty seven weeks, I needed an emergency induction. The parents live out of state, and the mom actually tried to negotiate my care with my doctor to delay the induction so she could have skin to skin with her baby when he was born. While I was on the brink of organ failure and in labor. They made it to the hospital with ninety minutes to spare and she got to do skin to skin with her perfect seven pound baby.
I experienced lots of blood loss and had an extended hospital stay, but still managed to kickstart my milk production for their baby. The icing on the cake was when they were saying goodbye, they didn't even say thank you. I was the one who thanked them for the opportunity to be part of creating their family. In the days and weeks after, I struggled with all of the trauma around the pregnancy and delivery. So my question is do
I confront her about this experience. I'll be done pumping soon and would like some closure, But is it worth it to let her know how she made me feel? Or do I just let it go and move on because at the end of the day, I achieved what I set out to do, helped create a family for someone who could not.
Thanks for your help, Chris Well.
Hi, Hi, this is our special guest Riley Kio.
Hello.
Wow, that sounds really will traumatizing.
Yeah, yeah, it was like part of me is just like am I being so trivial that like, I don't know, I should just like move on and get past it because I did what I set out to do. But I still get triggered for little things, So I don't know.
I think you have every right to speak your mind and doesn't have to be in an angry way. Like I think probably putting into writing is the best way when you are ready and when you are done rest fee and providing the baby with whatever things. I mean, you did finish your quote unquote job and set of responsibilities, but I think it is cathartic to let someone know that you felt not you know, not looked after or taken care of them, not saying thank you. All of
the things that you're talking about. Those are real things and they're very hurtful, and I definitely don't think you should just suck it up. I think it's important to state your peace in a loving kind way when someone has kind of crossed a line or a boundary or taken advantage of you and not and not showing you respect and grace doing something that is the most invaluable thing you could possibly do for another person, which is carry their child.
I just felt like it was such a disconnect from like the first pregnancy to the second pregnancy, and like I something like switched and I was just like this employee of theirs.
I don't know.
Yeah, I mean I wouldn't.
I understand what you're saying, but I wouldn't focus it on that aspect, like your relationship changed. You should just focus on what didn't feel good, you know what I mean? Because I think there's a sense saying our relationship changed is almost like you have expectations, which you totally can have, but you are doing them a service. You are providing them a service, right, they're paying you to provide them a service. That doesn't mean they should be allowed to
treat you anyway they want. But I wouldn't start from that angle because it's like, it's not a relationship.
It is a service.
It's a transaction and that's what you were hired to do, So expecting more of a friendship is almost I don't think that's where you jump off of, you know, I think you have to really just voice what they did that felt so icky to you, Like this felt really bad.
I really was so looking forward to providing this for you again, and we had such a great experience the first time, you know, you could mention that this didn't feel great for me, then I definitely didn't feel like, you know, you cared about my well being or however you want to phrase everything that happened to you. But you should definitely get that down, not only for the you know, to send to her, if you decide.
To do that for yourself. Yeah, okay, I mean, how do you feel about it now that it's in the past.
I don't know.
I'm the I almost kind of like I do feel like I need to address it.
It was very much swept under the rug.
It was just like, Okay, they got what they wanted and then okay, and I'm like literally shaking in the hospital.
Then as they're like they as skating in the glow, there's sweet, perfect baby, and I just like, as.
A mom, I'm a mom and I have children, and like for her to just disregard that aspect. I think that is the most like the thing that's like eating at me the most.
But now I.
Feel like if I I could write her a letter, I feel like that's probably a really good.
Yeah, and not in an accusatory way, just in way that you felt so sidelined and marginalized and all of the things that you're talking about, like that didn't feel good at all. I wanted to do this out of like, you know, like this is something that means a lot for me to do it for you, and this is how you It left me feeling.
Yeah, what do you think?
Riley?
I agree. I Actually my child was born via surrogate, so that's so I'm very grateful for what you do. And I think that it's really important that it's of course it's transactional and it's a job, but I think that it's a big sacrifice on your body and your mind and your family, and I think that it's not just like somebody who's coming to you know, clean your.
House or you know.
So I think it's I think it is important to to communicate that in my opinion.
Yeah, thank you.
Yeah.
Are you finding that you're having these thought that's like the anger and the you know, troublesome thoughts that you're having. Are they coming up at various points during the day. Are you sort of ruminating on them?
So it's like when I'm driving to work and like my mind is wandering, or like I'm shipping milk to them, Like when I go drop off milk, I like replay everything all over again.
Yeah, that's when it's happening. Yeah, you might, as you're writing this letter, when these thoughts come up, drop them down in like a notes app, jot down these things as they're coming up for you, because it helps to just sort of get it out of your body, get it out of your mind, and then you'll sort of have all of the talking points that you want to address when you go to write the letter to her, and then you can kind of just pick and choose, like, Okay,
this note I wrote in a moment of anger, this note is like maybe the best version of myself or like this particular part of it, and kind of choosing the best version of how you want to express yourself. But you'll have everything sort of like over time, dumped into one place, so you can tackle that letter from a place of you know, respect for yourself as well.
Okay, no, that's good, that's good.
Thank you, And with every negative thought you have in terms of like seeing this out of your own body and stuff, so that you are able to let go and be free of it every time you have these thought patterns.
I want you to also have an opposite thought.
You know, whatever your negative thought is, match it with an opposing viewpoint, like, oh, but I was able to provide them with this child. I was able to provide them with something that they couldn't do for themselves. Make sure you're reminding yourself of the honorable.
Thing that you did.
That is beautiful and like, so, you know, it's the most important thing you could do for somebody, and I can't think of anything more important to provide. So to start just getting it out of your body, because you don't want to be angry and hold on to that anger, you know, And you might write that letter and then realize, like, I don't even need to send this.
Yeah, but if you do need to, then you should.
Yeah, okay, okay, that's good. I like that reminding myself the awesomeness.
Would you be a surrogate again for anyone else?
So I'm forty, I'm so old.
That's when you have your midlife crisis. When you're forty, you have moretal That's what's happening. That's a part of it. We were just talking about turning forty and what that does to your brain.
Yeah, no, I can't. Actually, my doctor would she'd be like, no, you can't. She told me you cannot have any more kids. Yeah, especially for anybody else.
Yeah, well that's wonderful that you did that. So patch yourself on the back over and over again.
And I think in lieu of reframing too, you could also think, you know, I did this for this family, but I did it for this child, you know, so even you know, forget the parents, you did it for this child, and that's really cool.
Yeah, you're right, you built, you built a little house for a baby.
Yeah, I did you babies?
Oh, babies, that's right, that's right, right, Yeah, all right, okay, thank you.
Yeah, take care all right, bye guys bye.
When you hire a surrogate, yeah, do you go through Do you interview lot of people?
You do?
I think everybody's different.
I personally interviewed or I looked at like three different families because you kind of talked to the surrogate and also their partner if they're in a relationship too, And we use like an agency. So they also put the candidate forward that they thought was the strongest, and that was kind of the one we were leaning towards. But yeah, there were like three or four different surrogates.
And I'm curious as like, you know, with your whole history, how do you feel about being a mom?
Like your family is so mom heavy.
Yeah, all of your girl experiences, you know, and generations.
I mean, it's a wild experience.
There's definitely a lot of I think it was very unique to lose my mom when my daughter was five months old. You know, I think that having a young child when you're in grief for your own mother's like because I think I think your own mothering comes up a lot regardless, because you when you have a child, you start reflecting on the way you were parented and the way you were mothered, and so that was already happening, and then so losing her at that time was it
was a very strange time. And I think that the hardest thing was I felt like my mother was such a great mother, and she was exceptionally great with babies,
like with infants. So I felt like very alone, you know, but this really beautiful thing started happening where I could kind of like her instinct was so loud that I could hear her and when I needed help, I really felt like I could hear her voice in what she would want or you know, like, my daughter was really sick about a year ago, and I was kind of panicking about it, and I could kind of hear her going, you know, like one hundred and ones not bad, one
hundred and twos, you know, one hundred and three go to the dog, could like hear her, boy. It was very strange. So it's it's definitely been like an emotional thing. And I think I think that I personally have so much attention on parenting and wanting to be and I don't know if that's this generation, because like you go on Instagram and it's ten things not to say to your kids, or maybe.
That's just my algorithms.
Probably my algorithm, but it's very like there's so much therapizing and advice and things not to.
Do that it's very overwhelming.
I just read this thing today on Instagram on my plane ride that was like, you know, when someone's having an anxiety attack, the don't say everything's going to be okay.
I'm like, this stuff with kids is crazy.
It's like, Oh, don't tell them yes, don't tell them no, don't tell them you know they're doing a good job.
Don't tell them they're doing a bad job.
Don't tell don't look at them, you know, and it's like really overwhelming.
So I I, you know, I don't.
I think I try and go by instinct, but it's I think it's something I really don't want to do a bad job at to the point of like obsession.
And yeah, you know, but it's also such a gift to be able to sit here and say, as an adult woman, I had such a good mother.
Yes, do you know?
Like that is a gift I know and through and you know, she certainly was not like a I don't know what a perfect mother is.
She wasn't a traditional she was a.
Traditional mother by any means.
But I am so grateful to have had her as I had that kind of love.
And I know that's you know, well, there's a really beautiful passage in the book where you talk about almost like channeling her where you realize you're singing the same songs that she sung to you and using the same little cute voice that she used with you with your own daughter. And I think that sort of like family like channeling through ourselves our ancestors is like kind of unstoppable.
Yeah, I wish there was more language around that, you know, because you touch on that a lot in the book, like this kind of intergenerational knowing, like you come from this.
Huge legendary person who.
You feel like you did know because of the closeness of your family.
And I wish there was more language because we are our answers.
We are living with the trauma with all of the whether it's addiction or whether it's other genetic makeups, like we are carrying on what our ancestors have been through, you know.
And we don't talk about it enough.
Now we have like sprinkling you know, conversations about it where people touch upon it like oh, okay, it makes sense that if you're you know, no one in your family swam, or you know that every that you're scared of water, or if something terrible happened to one of your ancestors and they had a drowning, that you could have that reaction to water. And it's like, there's that conversation needs to be opened up more.
Yeah, definitely.
Yeah. Well, our last question today comes from Stanley and he's going to be joining us family. I'm like, there's It took me a second, but then you know, so as Fance is not a woman, so we don't have any straight men listening to Arst Dear Chelsea, My fiance and I have been together for eleven years and are finally getting married in September next year, but there's one small issue. One of my grooms men is an alcoholic. We became best friends while bartending together and currently run
two separate bars for the same company. When he's sober, he's amazing, great conversationalist, amazing friend, and an all around fun person to be around. A few months ago, he relapsed after four years of sobriety and has been drinking on and off ever since. When he's drinking, he's loud, rude, obnoxious, doesn't know where to stop, and sadly it only takes him a drink or two to get to that point.
Now that I've already asked him to be a groomsman, his return to drinking has put me in quite a dilemma. I do not want the drunk version of him at my wedding nor at my bachelor party, but I would obviously love for him to be there. I should also point out that both my fiance and maid of honor already don't like him, so if he ends up drinking at the wedding. There's definitely going to be a problem. I do plan on telling him that he needs to be sober at our wedding, but I also worry about
him sneaking drinks or something. I don't need the stress of babysitting a grown man at my wedding. How do I go about having this discussion with him, especially since he'll be the only person at the wedding with that restriction. Thanks Stanley by Stanley.
Hi, how's it going?
Hi?
This is our special guest Riley Keo.
Hi, Nice to me too.
I think you have to say what what do you think?
I was just gonna say, and maybe this is the wrong advice, but I have had a lot of addict.
Experience in my life.
But I think what's hard is like probably not having him there would probably be sad, right, yeah, yeah.
Long term.
So I was thinking, you definitely need to anticipate that he will get drunk, and maybe you need to get him like some kind of designated babysitter for the night.
That's not a bad idea.
Actually, one of my I don't know what we're gonna call it, but she's in my wedding party too. She already offered to be that too, because I talked to her about it as well. You know, she's like, I don't care making sure there's no problems at your wedding.
I think where I've always gotten caught up is expecting it not to be that, and then it ends up they end up doing the thing.
Even if you have a conversation, even with the Okay, yeah, I hear what you're saying, because if it's it, but you said sometimes he doesn't drink.
Right, yeah, he goes off and on. He's I think right now, he's not right.
So maybe what you do is you have this conversation with him in the most loving way possible, Like this is such an important day for me. I'm so honored that you're going to be part of it with me. I can't wait. I do have to ask you to not drink. I do have to just ask you just to put it out there so that he can you know,
he may take that very seriously. And and then also as the backup plan, what Riley offered is to have that friend just be on the lookout, knowing that there's a good chance he might not be able to control himself and start drinking. But you might be surprised, you know, I mean you might he might be able to get through the wedding without it. The bachelor party is another situation. I think that's a little bit even more difficult to
not drink at. But but I would just really tell him, like, this is so important for me, and you know that you when you drink, you're not the best version of yourself. And I need you to respect that this is my day and to be there in the way that I need you to be there.
And if you can't commit to that, then that's okay.
Just let me know and let me know and figure something out, like give him the option to commit and make that promise to you. I wouldn't say the bachelor party and the wedding.
I feel like that's too big of ail to climb.
I don't know, do you need his presence at the bachelor party. I guess if he's a groomsman, right.
I mean, I was honestly just thinking about earlier today, like I wouldn't be mad. I mean, and I have been to parties with him where he was sober and he was fine, he was, you know, playing all the games with everybody, and I just ripping soda water. But yeah, I also, like, I come from a family that has addiction issues, so like, I am totally up for people's boundaries.
So if he, for that reason couldn't go, I would not be mad at all.
Absolutely, And and you can that's perfect.
Then it's a trigger for you, you know, you come from a family with addiction, and you don't just give him the option, like you're welcome to come to the bachelor party, and I do watch you at my wedding, but these are the conditions, and if you can't meet them, no harm, no foul, Like I'll miss you, but it would be better for me to be able to enjoy my day and not worry about you drinking. You're a
better version of yourself when you're sober. I understand you're struggling, but this is my request from you out of our friendship.
Yeah that's really good. That's really good advice.
And I think that's a conversation you can have in person, right.
Yeah, Yeah, I think so as well.
Yeah, I don't get to see him too often, but I definitely, you know, especially working for the same people, we do get to see each other sometimes.
That's something I could talk to him about. For sure.
Yeah.
And then your friend, the one who volunteered, then just have her on it and if he does drink, you know, she can have him removed.
She'd be totally fine with this. Y.
Just that's covering all your bases. Yeah, and you listen, you might be surprised.
Yeah. I honestly was talking to my therapist about it.
She's like, he might, you know, just be sober already, and I'm like, that is, you know, best case scenario.
But he he could take to it really well.
Yeah.
Yeah, And it's honest conversation, so there's nothing to be like. You know, it's nice that you're being so thoughtful about it as well.
Yeah. And good to have like a bossy brides maid in your corner. I love that.
Yeah. Yeah, I got a couple of them, so that's good.
That's good. We'll have a great wedding.
Congratulations, thank you, thank you so much.
Congrat awesome.
Thanks Stanley. Let us know how it goes, Okay.
I will definitely thank you.
Okay, we're going to take a break and then we'll be right back to wrap up with Riley Keo. Okay, and we're back with Riley Kyo. She's suffering from jet lag. I'm suffering from my usual just day lag. I'm constantly tired, always tired.
I don't know.
I was thinking about my schedule today and then I was like, why are you been thinking about it?
Just keep going today in your life.
My life is I usually tour Friday, Saturday, Sunday. So I was in Houston, Dallas, Austin. I flew home today this morning and then and the rest of the week is crazy. So today I had a couple hours and then you were coming in the afternoon. So that was kind of nice because I could. I just went in my hyperbaric chamber, okay for two hours to read another book after I finished your book. And it just is constant,
and I was thinking about it. I'm forty nine years old, and I've been doing this kind of pace since I was at least thirty when I started Chelsea.
Lately, touring doing books.
I'm always on a book tour or a stand up tour or did it. But I just realized, like that is who I am, you know, I'm high impact. And then I crash for two.
Days and then I go, yeah, I think it's a good thing. Yeah, I think it keeps you young.
Yeah, it keeps you vibrant for sure, you know. Yeah, and yeah it's nice to be Like I like, I was thinking about it. I was like, oh, it's been like twenty years and I've twenty five years that I've been in this business, but twenty years of like hustling like that, and I kind of love that about me, Like.
I love that I'm still up for it, you know what I mean? Yeah, what's your schedule like in your life?
I'm I'm oh, my gosh, it really depends.
I think that similarly, like I will have moments where I'm working a lot, if I'm shooting a film, and then I'll go home and kind of hibernate, and then I'll go back out and then it's like high intensity and a home and like hide.
It's like start of back and forth.
Yeah and whatever. I'm always like I'm so tired. I think of Taylor Swift.
Like, how is this maniac able to do this for three and a half hours, three nights in a row, dancing, singing, choreography, guitar.
I just I'm like, what kind of energy is she?
What?
What energy boost is she on?
I need that?
So that's pretty impressive too. But it was a delight to meet you. This book is so beautiful. From here to the Great Unknown. What a gorgeous tribute for your mom. To your mom and following through and getting this done for her. And it's also an Oprah's Book Club selection, so you know that's that's a good endorsement.
How do you feel about everyone's reception of the book.
I feel really grateful. I was very nervous to put the book out. It's really personal, especially the last few chapters are very intense, and I think there was a world where I didn't include some things in there, but then ultimately I thought about my mom and her honesty and what she would have done, and I think that she would have put everything that's in there in there, and ultimately, like, of course there's some funny things in the news here and there, But people have been really receptive,
and I think that particularly people who have lost family members, are in grief or dealt with addiction. I think it is connecting on a level that's human, despite the fact that it's like a super unique story, and so I think that that's been surprising.
I guess I think I'm very used.
To people feeling very far away, like sort of not perceiving my family to be human, I guess, and so I feel like the responses have been very human, which I've really enjoyed.
Yeah, and it's a power. Books are always powerful, you know. It's like it's nice to leave something in writing and let people kind of interpret it or reinterpret it and leave it out there rather than per se telling your story. It's it's like it's something more permanent.
Yeah, you know. Yeah, So thank you for being here, Thanks for having me. Yeah. Yeah, and good luck with everything.
Thank you.
Can we see more of you and TV and everything.
Thanks.
Okay, we'll see you guys next week. Okay, guys.
Stand up shows that I have coming up, I am going to Des Moines, Iowa December fifth, December sixth is Omaha, and then December twenty eighth, I'm coming in New Orleans right before New Year's and then I'll be in Atlanta, Georgia on December twenty ninth. And those are the rest of my stand up dates for this year. It's over New Tour New Year.
If you'd like advice from Chelsea, shoot us an email at Dear Chelsea podcast at gmail dot com and be sure to include your phone number. Dear Chelsea is edited and engineered by Brad Dickert executive producer Katherine Law and be sure to check out our merch at Chelseahandler dot com