Hotter in the Hamptons with Tinx

Hello Catherine.

Oh, hello Chelsea. How's New York City?

New York City is blossoming. It's just beautiful. It's almost summertime. Spring is in the air. It was sunny, delightful.

I came home.

I got here you last night, and I was tempted to go out with some friends, but I decided, you know what, I was going to take the night to myself, and instead I took his annex and I read one of our podcast guest books that we have coming up. And I was just a really responsible adult woman who's fifty years old.

My gosh, look at you.

Yeah, I'm very responsible, but you do like a night in. You're someone who enjoys their own company, and I think that's very good.

Yes, I very much enjoyed my own company. I had a lot of company this week. I went out a lot this week. I saw a lot. I did a lot of socializing in Los Angeles, and I did the La Festival of Books, which was a joy. Oh, it was so fun. I love books. I like being around books, and I like talking about books. That is my passion.

They even smell good, like they feel good, like I love when you get a new book, and like the pages might feel a little different than the last one you read.

I mean, it's like the little things, you know.

I'm reading about seven books right now, so I could, and I like to read them a hard copy. So it's hard to travel with seven books because I'm on my way. I'm bouncing around. I'm done with La for a bit. I won't be in La for two months now, so I go from here, I think, to Whistler, and then somewhere in Chicago, then New York.

And then Rekuvic and then Belfast.

I'm gonna spend a couple of days at Belfast because I feel like there's gonna be some good history shit going on down up there over there.

I'm reading actually a book right now about the IRA. I believe it's Say Nothing, and there's a Hulu series about it now, so it's thrilling.

Yeah. I'm very interested in that history. I don't know enough about it, so I'm just gonna i'll lend it to you. My cousin's good like me. She likes shit like that. Okay, So our guests today, we have two episodes we're dropping today. One is with our guest, who is a New York Times bestselling author, and host of It's me Tinks on Sirius XM. Her newest book is called Hotter in the Hamptons and it's out May sixth.

Oh hell yeah, bigger, the bigger, the better size matters, baby.

I know, but when I met you, you were using a little.

Vienna sausage microphone, and I know sometimes you sometimes go back to that. You do sometimes have the little microphone, but I love seeing you with a big black mic in your hand.

Big dat.

Yeah, this is a big This is more my size. I've upgraded, but I do still keep mini mic around for the bit. But everybody else started doing mini mic, so.

I still saw that. And I did see that you started a trend. You're a trend center. Yes, oh my god, congratulations. Tinks has a new book out. Everybody. It's a new book. And guess what. It's fiction this time, and it's called Hotter in the Hamptons. And I'm going to guess that it's not autobiographical at all.

Well, it's you know, they say, to write what you know.

It's about an influencer who gets canceled and then goes to the Hamptons to get her groove back. Maybe some of that I experienced, Maybe some of it I didn't.

You know, it feels like it's very eerily similar to the truth. But listen, every work of fiction is based on authors, on some truth from the author. It's impossible to I mean, it's not impossible. I guess there are lots of authors who could write fiction, who've been trained in writing fiction. But I think when a celebrity writes fiction, and many people write fiction, you have to bring stuff in from your life. So that's totally understandable and actually more enticing in my opinion.

I want to know. I want to know what's real what's not.

First of all, It Takes is already a New York Times bestseller because she had her first book, which was called Shelled the Shift.

Which was a New York Times bestseller.

So this is her second foray into the book industry.

And this is like.

A weird love story that takes place in the Hamptons, Yes, and that starts out as enemy. They start out as enemies and then slowly, actually not that slowly, because that is when things start to come out of people's pants.

It's a classic enemies to lovers situation. And yeah, I mean I kind of like whenever I'm reading a smut erotica book, I'm like, get to.

The sex already.

So yes, it starts pretty early on because I feel like that's why people are reading it, So you've got to give them a little juiciness early, early, up front.

Otherwise you're like, I don't care, I'll get to the sex part.

So yeah, that's actually very formulaic, right. You were saying, Catherine, that that romance books typically, I just want you to know ticks.

This is the ticks.

I can't even fucking talk today. I want you to know tics that this is the first fucking romance novel I've read in my entire huge.

Only because it's you.

Yes, I've never I can't read romance because I just find it so ridiculous. And this was very entertaining and Stevie and yeah, well, very steamy, very steamy. I have to ask you, when you write so much about queer sex, have you experienced queer sex?

This book is about Lola, not about me, but.

That question is have you experienced my diplomatic answer.

This is about Lola. It's it's about her journey.

A lot of straight women follow me, and I want this book to be a fantasy for them, or you know, I want it. I want them to experience new fantasies

So I hope this.

Book opens people up and makes them really horny. That is my number one goal is to make people horny this summer. I think horniness is very, very criminally undervalued in society today. I think it's important to be horny, whether you're in a relationship, whether you're single, whether your marriage doesn't matter.

So that is what I want to achieve with this book.

Vagina's opening everywhere from the East to the West. I also endorse horniness and I think it is a very healthy way to go through life is to be horny, to go after what you want, to be open to different kinds of sexual experiences and escapades if you will, and to get after it. I mean, what's the point of being a woman if you're not going to have fun with your body?

Like literally, just get after it, have fun. Don't close yourself off to anything. I think we really all need to just be open to anything. Being a woman, being in your sexuality is so powerful when you own it, when you say yeah, actually I am horny today, or when you say yeah, that person turns me on, or this thing I read turns me on, whatever, that's so powerful. I feel like being sexual as a woman has been so villainized in so many ways, and it's not about

That's not true at all.

We as women are our sexuality is like connected to the cosmos. It's very powerful, and the more that you're in that, the more powerful you'll.

Be, and slutty is just a word created by men to categorize women who want to sleep with more than them.

You know what I mean exactly.

First of all, it's so empowering to be sexually free and sexually liberated. It's especially if you're a single woman and you haven't committed yourself to anyone yet.

It's like, it's exploration.

It's finding out not only what you like, it's finding out what you're attracted to, what your standards are, what you desire like. It's so much better to be open minded than to be narrow minded in terms of sexuality.

So it's a nice exploration of that in this book. Yeah, yeah, let's talk about Well, I mean, are you in New York right now?

It looks like your background. Yeah, that doesn't look like an LA background. I just saw Tanks recently on my book tour, and she was nice enough to host me at the ninety second Street Why and interviewed me fun and then we went to my birthday party, and then you were we were talking about New York in LA, and in this book there's a lot of New York in LA comparisons. So basically you were saying, how much you love New York and your desire to be there more permanently.

Talk to me about that a little bit.

I'm just in a season of my life where I like to be in New York. You know, I found it far easier more sex in New York for sure, to more sex for sure and more community just where I am in my life. I am single, and I like a very full social life. I like to see my friends every week. I like to do things spontaneously. I like to say, Hey, let's go get a martini at Finale's right now. And I want to have ten friends who can do that. And the truth is I

No One wants to have a martini in the middle of the day in La no one.

No no one wants to have a martina out of Friday night. They say, oh, you know, we can't. The traffic. The uber this is that.

When every ray is sober, and everyone is sober here, everyone's sober.

Oh I don't the calories this and that. I'm like, oh my god, Like I just I want to have fun. I'm in a very big fun era of my life and I want the place that I live to reflect. That doesn't mean that there's not great things about LA. There are fantastic things about La. If you are very wealthy and you have a family, LA is a nice.

Place to live.

There's a lot of great place things to do in LA. It's just not if you're single and horny and like want to go out all the time. It's kind of a little difficult.

I've been trying to move to New York for about five years now, and this house in LA that will never be finished that I'm under construction on once again. I'm out of my house once again, callers. I am living at a friend's house without my dog dog.

Not for long, though.

I'm heading back to Whistler in a couple of days. But I cannot wait to finish this house. Fucking sell it rent. I don't give a shit what happens, but I cannot wait to get an apartment in New York City and start living the life that you're describing.

I'm so late. I'm fifty.

I should have done this when I was forty, but whatever, I don't care about time. I'm even hotter now than I was at forty, so it's gonna be even more exciting. And everybody's divorced now, so like this is the time to get back to wait.

For my friends to get divorced.

I know that's evil, but I cannot wait for them to come back to me right now.

I'm in the phase where.

They're all like hunkering down and like having the kids, and I'm like, just I'll bide my time.

I'll wait, I'll wait. You're gonna, yeah, you're gonna come back to me.

And also men break up with their wives at this time, Like there's a lot of divorce that happens between the ages of forty and fifty, so it's good to catch someone on the tail end of their divorce, you know what I mean, If you're looking for someone who's not ready for a commitment and you're looking to have fun.

Or if you are looking for a commitment, I feel like a divorce guy could be great for me. That doesn't scare me at all. In fact, it sounds actually like it could be good. Like a guy who's, you know, in his early forties, he's been divorced, maybe he has one kid, so he's not stressed about having more. Because I'm not sure that I want kids, so I don't want that pressure on me.

And I think that could be great for me. But yeah, but he's gotta want to have fun.

It doesn't sound fun to me to just like be in a in a nuclear family unit or whatever.

That's not that doesn't appeal to me.

I want someone who's like, let's go to Mexico City this weekend and like, I don't know, take mushrooms at SOHO house. Like that's the kind of basic shit that really gets me off. And I want a guy who wants to do that with me.

We're on the same page things. We're on the exact same page actually apparently exactly apparently of the exact same book Hotter in the Hampton's another thing you said to me when we spoke last time. I think this was on your podcast or I don't know, maybe it was private, but we'll talk about it. It was about how annoying men are and how bored you are. Now was that directed just at La or is that just an overall sentiment because it's you're not alone, obviously, I'm sure you're well aware.

I my problem with data is not that I go on all these dates and nobody likes me.

And whatever.

I find the conversation so boring. I'm almost boords tears. And I'm not saying that in a rude way or to be a bit or whatever. But the most of the men I meet, I find them to be very one dimensional.

And when I meet women.

Every time I meet a woman, she's like, oh, this morning, I woke up and I ran a ten k and then I baked some vegan muffins for my dog because he's going through some health issues. And then I went to my job, and then I did this and that ed and I'm like, wow, I want to be your best friend and I want to know everything about you. And when I meet men, they're like, it's just it's so hard to like get in there.

And look, I've loved men in the past.

I've found men interesting in the past, but as I get older, I do find it more and more difficult to find men who are super dimensional. And that is a problem I'm having with dating right now, because every time I go on a date, I'm like, oh, I'd rather be with my friends.

I thought I liked this guy, and we were facetiming, and there were a couple of moments of silent like awkward silence.

I mean, face time is a pretty awkward when you don't know somebody.

Well, I actually prefer not to have that happened, but this person assaulted me with a FaceTime a few times, and I just I'm at the place in my life where I just I'm not filling in gaps of silence, like I don't care if it's awkward. Then you talk like I don't have anything to tell you, or I'm pretty confident with who I am and that the moments of silence just were just I just was like, it's a fun experiment to like look at somebody and go, what, okay,

You're like, this is so ridiculous. It's like ridiculous. You don't have anything to do. I just met you, you don't have anything to tell me. No, It's it's wild.

And a lot of men also like I don't like to man bash too much because then I feel like it kind of makes my points less powerful.

I'm truly not man bashing.

But something that I have found very broadly with dating today is like men don't ask you questions. And because I have my call in show, this is something that happens to a lot of young women right now.

Women we go on these dates and we're like, well, where did you go and what did you see?

And whata da da da, and like we will fill the silence and we will ask questions because we're genuinely curious about the other person. If you're on the other on a date or if you're on a FaceTime, surely you must have something to ask the person.

But they but they don't.

Yeah, no, No, it's unreal that how they will talk about themselves and then fail to ask you a question about yourself. You're trying to date me, you're not curious about anything? I mean, I know it's all pretty public, but don't you want to know anything personal about me?

No?

I went on a Hinge date last year and I actually I was in a really low point in dating. So I was like, whatever, I'm going to do an experiment, and I actually asked him a lot of questions, Like I was really on my shit, you know, not in a crazy way, but I was very, very forthcoming with my questions. We went for forty two minutes before he asked me a question about myself forty two What was the question? He was like, what do you I don't

Oh, good for you. I love saying that. I love saying that.

I'm like, how insane is that? Forty two minutes and you don't think, Oh, this is a conversation. It goes back and forth, and I should be interested in this person.

Well, and like that's the question that he came up with.

I don't know what you do for a living? Like that's yeah. And by the way, it's not even a question. It's not even a question. Like if the date automatically goes to, oh what do you do? Where are you from?

It's just like, come on, be more interesting, say oh, I saw this thing today, or I'll have you watched that show.

Up something that's unrelated to both of you. Talk about a subject of matter. That's what I want to hear about. I went on a date the other night somebody would set me up.

That was nice.

And I walked into the bar and this guy was wearing a bomber jacket and drinking chardonnay, and I just thought, what honestly, And I sat down and I said, I don't have a lot of time. I probably only have fifteen minutes. And I ordered a tankerrey and soda and then I he was like, I'm going to get another glass of charonay, and I said, well, enjoy it because

As you're not in the business.

At a certain age, you stop pretending that you have to make people feel good. It doesn't matter. I need to feel good. I need to go home and get sleep. I don't need to waste this take away and soda on you. I'd rather go home and take an edible and go to bed, like I don't.

Yeah, that's the thing.

Also is like, if you are a person who's in command of their own life and who lives intentionally and has a lot of fun, which isn't a lot of people, no shade, but you know, a lot of people don't have command of their own emotions, Like I just don't want to waste my time with something that isn't good for either of us. And I think that people need to be more forthcoming. But I also think people need

And I'm like, you didn't like him either.

It's okay to just cut your losses and be like, all right, we tried cool, see you next time. Time is so precious. Time is the only limited resource we have. Is the only thing we can't get back. You can get back everything else, you can never get back time.

Well, I think a.

Lot of our listeners are listening thinking, okay, so what happens when Okay, So when you said that to that guy, I'm not feeling it?

What was his response? Hand to God, I maybe didn't say, oh, I'm not feeling it. I think I said, you know what, I'm really tired of got to call it and go to bed, you know whatever, but which is code for I'm not having fun. But I remember specifically that I was back at my apartment within the hour.

I remember that I was, you know whatever. Next day he texts me and goes, hey, I'm and he fucking walked me home. It was in New York. He walked me home, and I was like Jesus Christ. I couldn't believe it.

The next morning he texted me, he goes, hey, I'm actually going to a party in the building next to yours tonight if you wanted to come. And I was just thinking, and then I texted him and I said, I'm sorry. I really don't feel an emotional connection.

But the mostly the.

Sane part is even when I'm at my worst. Even when I'm running a fucking science experiment, I'm still more fun than most of these dudes.

I mean.

But by the way, it makes sense because if someone lets you speak about yourself for forty two minutes, he had the best time of his life.

He didn't even.

Realize he was a free therapy and like a little light stand up for me, and you got to I'm a martini.

Meanwhile, I'm exhausted. I should have sent him a bill.

The guy that I left with the chardonnay texted me the next day and said, I know you have a pretty busy weekend coming up, so I just want to let you know, you know, don't work too hard, have a fun weekend. I was going to like south By Southwest or something, and I said, I said, thanks so much for the drink.

Have all the fun weekends period, Like fuck off on lamla.

Well, just like I want to be direct because I don't want to waste anyone's time. I don't want to be mean, but I want to be direct. It's just like we as women have to retrain ourselves the way that we exist in relation to men. We're not there to be liked, We're there to like them, and we're we get confused about being liked and liking them. And if you can't just be worried about what someone thinks of you, because that can't be the only prerequisite to a relationship is.

Someone liking you.

You have to like them and then back it up twenty feet and find out if you do so. Yes, I think that's obviously very common.

With women fuck who they want, men fuck who they can and I stand on that do Actually I have.

A caller who like would dovetail really nicely with us should.

We get into it or ready to break? And we'll be right back with tanks.

If you'd like advice from Chelsea, right into us at Dear Chelsea podcast at gmail dot com. We'd love to hear your questions for any juicy story you'd like advice, and this week we're specifically looking for questions related to meditation and personal and spiritual growth, So if you have any questions, please write in at Dear Chelsea podcast at gmail dot com.

And we're back with tanks and we have a call. We have a pressing caller.

Apparently according to Catherine, okay, great, bring it in well.

Speaking of men wasting everybody's time.

Lilah writes, Dear Chelsea, my partner and I need some advice on how to handle a really tough situation. Over two years ago, my partner's brother was unexpectedly diagnosed with epilepsy at around age thirty five. At the time, we had just bought our house and we're in the middle of renovating it with the.

Mindset that it would just be the two of us living there.

But when he started having seizures, we took him in so he wouldn't have to live alone while adjusting to his diagnosis. Since then, we've done our best to support him and he's in a much better place now. His seizures are under control with medication. He sees a psychologist and he likes his new neurologist. He's just shy of one seizure free. The problem is living with him has been really difficult. He's constantly in a bad mood, barely

It feels like his.

Our house is small for three adults, and at one point we even considered buying a bigger home just to make things more manageable. But we've realized that we'ld just be putting a band aid on the situation. What we really need is for him to move out. But we know this conversation is not going to go well. He doesn't handle things like this in an emotionally mature way, and we're anticipating a lot of negativity, tension, and passive

Lila, Hi, La La, Hi, Hi, say hi to our special guest Tanks today.

Hi specially thanks Hello.

Hi.

Okay, So, Tanks, do you want to start or shall I you start?

Okay?

I mean, this is obviously going to be a difficult conversation, but it's necessary.

So you and your.

Husband are I'm assuming Lela are on the same page.

Yeah, my partner is also a female.

Oh okay, so great, she's on the same page as you. Okay great. So yeah, you guys are going to have to sit down.

I mean, honestly, I actually think this is more of her responsibility than yours.

But if you want to be a caring partner, then you can. I mean, it is your house.

You've had the experience with him, and it is a little bit of a cop out to say, no, you handle it because it's your sibling.

Do you feel the same way or.

Do you Yeah, for sure, we have said that.

I think that she should handle that conversation, but I do think I should probably be at least be there for that.

Yeah.

I think that first of all, you have to firmly state what is going to happen, and a time frame. You always have to give people a timeframe that is not negotiable, and it can be a generous time frame. It could be thirty days, it could be sixty days, whatever you think is generous.

You know what.

I mean, to give him the benefit of the doubt because he's getting information that is unexpected in his brain, but because of all of the behaviors and because he's gotten himself into a healthier place he no longer needs to be living with the two of you, So that's just a practical matter. He's got his medication, he's not having seizure. Is he having any seizures at all?

No?

No, no, okay.

So there was no plan ever for you two to have a third party living with you, so you went out of your way.

How long has he been living with you, guys?

Two years?

Okay?

First of all, he should have been gone a year ago. So that you've been overly generous. And I can just tell by the tone of your voice that you might be a little bit nicer.

Than you're going to need to be in this situation for sure. Yeah.

So, and you guys actually should sit down together, you and your partner before you do this, and really like meditate, intentionalize what you're going to say, how you're going to say it that you are going to be unwavering, and you're going to give him I don't know what sounds good to you, or sixty.

Days, honestly, I guess you're I'm too nice.

I would give him like.

Six months, no, no, no, two months, two months or three months max? Max? Now two and a half years, you're going to live with your brother, your relationship. Your relationship might not survive that, Like your relationship is being fractured by this interloper. And by the way, he's not an intlope. Listen, something bad happened. You guys helped him. You did the right thing. It's family. Family helps family.

Does hee work, yes?

Yes?

Great? So what's he doing with his money? Is he paying rent to you guys at all? A little?

I mean if he's seven hundred, but other than that, like we kind of just did this to like help him get on his feet, have him save money and like give him an opportunity to like buy something for himself and like actually do something with his life that he likes. But it just feel like he has no plan. He says he's going to go do these things, and he just doesn't comes up with excuses constantly.

Right, Okay, So I think you should have write all of these points down too, so that you can give him a list of things after so that there isn't any confusion in the conversation and any twisting of the words. Like we wanted to help you out you were in a bad way.

We did that.

We wanted you to get on your feet, we wanted you to seek the right medical care. You've done all of these things. Look at all of the things that you've done in the past two years, which he's not looking at right, He's not thinking about how far he's come. But you need to remind him about all of the like things that are better than they were.

And now is a good time.

And even if you say for the next couple months, you don't have to pay us rent while you save money to find your own place. You don't have to pay us seven hundred unless you really need that money from him.

Yeah, I mean, I feel like it's a very generous amount considering like the type of job that he has. He can absolutely support himself. So yeah, we definitely do need the money because I'm in school right now and I'm okay, I'm only working part time, but I'm almost done.

Great, totally fair. Another thing you could point out, you make a great living. You could totally afford to live on your own. Our relationship, we never intended to have a third person. And while we love you and totally would never take this time back, blah blah blah, it's now time for us to figure out a transition plan for you to leave.

But you have to give him.

A time frame, Yeah, like with a date, a specific date, tanks, what do you think?

I completely agree. I think a time frame is super helpful.

I think being firm, I think laying it out with your partner what you're going to say beforehand, will be helpful because I agree with Chelsea, you sound very, very nice, and sometimes you get in those situations and if he's already a bit passive aggressive, he's going to be like.

Well, you know what about this, and that you need to be firm.

You need to be kind and firm and brief and just lay down the law.

And yeah, it's time.

I feel like you probably don't even realize like how much this is weighing on your relationship in your life, Like you deserve to have a great life with your partner.

You guys have been more than generous. It's time for the next chapter.

Now, two years is way too long. You are way past your expiration date.

Yeah.

Yeah, Well the first year he was having seizures on and off, so it kind of kept pushing the time and pushing it. But like now we're getting in a better spot and he has almost been seizure free for a year, so I kind of feel like we're waiting for these like medications to actually like work well and be comfortable where he's at. And like now he's seeing a psychologist and he seems to be like working things out from their childhood that has been tough.

So great, great, all of these things being that he's made, Like these are things you should list down for him, like all of his milestones that he's made. You know, sometimes people don't remember how far they've come and they still think they're struggling, struggling, struggling, and it's like, wait, a second you did this, this, and this. Look at how far you've come. You're resilient, you're strong, and you're

And I feel like if there are some tantrums, if there's some passive aggressiveness, like expect that, and I think you can just be like okay, Like if he makes us an, I'd comment like, Okay, don't let him bait you into stuff. Don't let him turn this transition period ugly and weird and awkward, Like let stuff roll off your back because you know there's a date when it's going to be over.

Yep, yep, that makes a lot of sense. It really has a lot of stress in our relationship.

We of course, are sure quite a bit.

Yeah, of course, nobody wants to live with their fucking family member. Nobody in a marriage wants their brother or sister living there. That's just not an ideal situation. Many people do it out of the goodness of their heart and their bonds to their family, but it's not ideal. So I mean, and two year, that's enough. It's enough already, And I would really impress upon you to say, make it a two or three month situation, not a six month.

It makes a lot of sense for sure.

And one more thing.

Don't engage if he is if he does start an argument, if he does want to get into it, do not engage with that. Just say I'm so sorry. We're not going to talk to you in this kind of tone. This is not healthy for us, and we don't want to like when there's one person arguing by themselves, there's

Yep, totally, for sure.

I agree with that.

All right.

Will you keep us posted, Lila?

I will, Yeah, I will check back in for sure.

All right, good luck, be strong, Yeah, be strong, Leilah.

I will thank you so much.

I wish I knew about boundaries earlier on in my life. You know, I'm boundaryless. I had no boundaries. I mean, I still am a little bit murky on the boundary stuff because sometimes I just can't help myself, you know, I'm like, oh, you know, I want to give my driver a massage inside my house.

I mean not for me, but do you know what I mean?

Right?

And I have so many friends who are like, don't you can't Chelsea that is a line that you cannot cross, and it always bites me an ass. It does bite me an ass well.

Our next question comes from Claire, says, Dear Chelsea, I need some advice, wisdom, clarity, anything at this point. My partner of ten years cheated on me and left me for his coworker about a year and a half ago. The relationship wasn't perfect, but it turns out I was the only one trying to make it work, since he was lying about his feelings, lying about going to therapy, and apparently this woman. I've been working with my therapist to rebuild, but there's one thing that I think you'd

So would make me a failure. Sincerely, yours, Claire.

Hi Claire, Hi, Hi, this is our special guest Tanks.

Hi Claire. You have to have some healthier conversations with yourself. Do you have a therapist?

Yeah?

Okay, Well you need to start. First of all, you need to start getting up every day and writing positive things about yourself. Start writing things that you're grateful for about your in your life. It could be your dog, it could be the air that you're breathing. It could be your face, it could be your skin, it could be your sister, it could be any Just get up every morning and write down ten things that you're happy about, because you need a vibe shift, and in about fifteen

At what you don't have and what you lost.

While I don't want to negate anything that happened to you, that is heartbreaking that your husband left you for somebody he worked with and all of that is heartbreaking, but you're also free from that. That wasn't the person for you. You're free from that.

That is a gift.

You're thirty five years young. Thirty five years old is nothing. Do not worry about what your age is. Worry about your state of happiness and your state of self love. You need to work on really really getting to know who you are and what you want instead of meeting the expectations that you think the outside world has for you, marriage and children. That's fine, you need to find out do you really even want that or is that something that you've been taught to want?

Yeah, this is something that I've been working on with my therapist, and like you know, right after he left, I got a gratitude journal. I was like, this isn't working, and this was like nothing is gonna work right now because of the trauma you just went through. So I've been thinking about taking that back up and trying to do like listening to self affirmations. It's just so hard to like believe them kind of at this point.

It takes time to start the engine of gratitude. Like it takes like Chelsea said, a few days, It takes some consistency, but I promise you, like I'm in a similar I mean ish boat.

I'm thirty, I'm about to be thirty five.

I'm single, and I have to tell you a vibe shift is possible because I'm thirty five and single and I'm like, oh my god, I could do anything, Like I literally could do anything.

I'm so young. I don't know what I want. I'm open.

Is that exciting, And like Chelsea said, you're free now to start again, and that is the most beautiful thing is like you have the autonomy to make your life what you love. And for me, I really resonate with a lot of what you say. You're like, Oh, I don't know, maybe it will just be me. Am I okay?

On that?

And anytime I get into that fuzzy space, I'm like, how can I make myself happier? That's not a s selfish thought. That is the most important thing that we don't teach ourselves in this world. You have to make yourself happy. You have to say, Okay, what am I grateful for? What am I going to do this weekend for me?

What am I?

How am I going to reframe my life and my energy to give myself love? Because you're right, you have been through something traumatic. To be cheated on, to be left like that is a traumatic thing. But it's over now and now you need to focus on yourself because this is so much good ahead of you. The best is one hundred percent yet to come. You just have to start living in that space.

And I do agree.

There is something about affirmations that, like you do, kind of have to fake it till you make it. You say them and they sound like bullshit until you say them enough times and they start to sound true, and then you feel it like you've seen it in a hundred.

Movies, right It's absolutely true that it can feel for It's the same with meditation, it's the same with affirmations, it's same as writing down. Every morning, I look in the mirror and say, hello, beautiful, what kind of shenanigans are we going to get up to today? I say that to the mirror every single day, and I fucking believe it, because I'm like, who fucking knows what you're gonna get up to today? And the thing is, yes,

Every disaster in your life is a gift and you have to look at it like the gift is ahead of you.

Don't you want to get it? Don't you want to get after it and find out what's waiting for you?

Because there is.

A whole other life for you. Now, there's a whole other self exploration. I didn't find out who I was until I was like forty two years old, Like I didn't really get down to business until I really, I mean and really went to therapy and started to understand my pain and started to understand. Oh, I don't even want to I mean, and I'm not saying this is going to be you. But I'm like, wait, I don't even want a long term partner.

I want lots.

Like I had to admit that I wanted multiple partners, that I wanted lots of lovers that I wanted you know, I never wanted children, so that wasn't an issue that I had to contend with.

But like, this is a growth curve for you.

Like this is a huge growth experience and you need to lean into it instead of being scared to go into it, you know what I mean. You need to like dive head first and be like, this is all about me. The next six months are all about me, what I like to do, when I want to do it. If you want to lie in bed all day and watch TV, do that. If you want to go out, you know, with your friends and go on some crazy vacation, do that.

If you want to spend.

Your you know, join clubs or book clubs or a bowling club, whatever the fuck.

You want to do, do it. You know what I mean.

You're free to do whatever you want. You don't have a partner limiting or prohibiting anything.

Yeah, I've been doing all that. I've gone on a couple of vacations, this year and been trying to do. I've joined some groups that I've been volunteering with and stuff. I think the hardest part for me is the mind shift thing. It's like, while I'm doing those things, my brain is still ruminating on like, well, you're doing this alone kind of thing. And I think that's the.

Hardest hurdle for me.

And you're right, I just have to keep trying with the gratitude and the and the affirmations and stuff and the mind shift.

But even moreover, I want you to picture that you have a daughter in like five years, you have a daughter and she gets to see this whole version of you. What do you want to show her? You know what?

Do you want to demonstrate for her that you grab life by the balls and that you went after it and that you didn't sit there thinking about your ex and what his girlfriend are doing.

That's none of.

Your business anymore. Okay, he's out of your life. And yes, while that is heartbreaking and traumatizing you, once you get through all of that murkiness, there is a whole big rainbow waiting for you, I promise you, so, like, just think about this little girl that is going to come into your life at some point, okay, And how do you want her to see her mother and how do you want her to look at that time that she spent after this, Yeah, and then make your decisions based on that.

That's really helpful, thank you.

Yeah. Yeah? And how long ago was your breakup? By the way, about a year?

A year okay, so that's a fair amount of time to kind of wallow and feel you know, shitty. Take this year mark and this phone call, and like, let's turn it around and start with the gratituding every morning ten write it down ten times. Write it on paper, don't write it in your note section or on your computer.

And don't worry about the men. Just worry about yourself.

Right now, Yeah, you said something a couple of minutes ago about like I'm going through this alone, and it was a negative. But when things like that come out of your mouth, find a way to turn it into a positive.

You get to go through.

This next year alone, You get to do whatever.

The hell you want.

You get to make all of the decisions for yourself and do what makes you happy. So like take opportunities to like turn stuff like that on its head when you hear it in your head, when you hear it come out of your mouth, turn it around.

That the thinking of like you know, the X is and all that stuff.

I promise you down the road that will all come around for full circle and you're and you're gonna and you and you're not going to care when it does. Yeah, and so just imagine that time, because it will happen. It always does. That's the way the world works. And karma is a real thing. So keep yours healthy and be on your own team.

Okay, thank you so much. I really appreciate it.

Okay, thanks love, shut up, be happy, you start smiling.

I'm a good one.

Thank you.

Okay to buy Yeah she seems sad.

Yeah, I think this, I think this will be the jump start she needs.

Yeah, lots of people need a jump start.

Yeah, that's true.

Okay, we'll take a quick quick break and we're going to come back with one more caller and wrap up.

With TINXI WAKSI, and we're back. Oh ship. She always have the sorry, sorry, I forgot well.

Our last caller today is Ava. She is twenty three.

Dear Chelsea, I'm twenty three years old and I live in California. I'm California born and raised. I moved to LA about a month ago. I have a childhood friend whose life has taken a lot of the same turns as mine. We went to the same college and are now both living in LA. Not together though, and not intentionally. She's a dear friend, and her good qualities are amazing, but her bad qualities often feel detrimental.

She's a bit clingy and jealous.

She gets butt hurt when I have plans with other friends that do not include her, even going as far as tracking my location and asking what I'm doing all the time. I want to be inclusive, but I want to carve my own way in this new city and do not want to feel like I have a jealous boyfriend looking over my every move. I do not think her behavior is ill intended, just a bit immature and lingering effects of some past issues of being left out. Due to her immaturity level, I would find it hard

Hi, thanks for having me. This is the best day ever.

Oh, Hi cutie, how cute you are. This is Tanks our special guest today.

Hi, huge fan of both of you. Thanks for having me today.

Sure, thanks your thing. So, I mean you're going to have to have a conversation with her. It's just a matter of how truthful the conversation will be. So why is she tracking your location?

I know we lived together at once and so that's kind of where the location thing came in. But yeah, it's tricky. I mean, I want to do my own thing and I want to, you know, carve my own way, and it's just it makes it very difficult. And I think that's what's hard, is having that kind of conversation with honesty but also with kindness. I just don't know how to find that balance.

Yeah, I hear you.

I mean it has to come from a very very loving place with somebody who's delicate.

Tanks.

What are your thoughts, I don't know. I feel like this is so like I completely understand. I've been in similar situations like this. Also, when you're twenty three, your friendships feel heightened, and.

She's just like, she just loves you.

She just wants to be around you all the time. But you know that's not your problem. You need to set this boundary. I think for me, I always try to approach conversations like this with at least a little bit of humor and lightness. So maybe it's like the next time she's like, why are you at this coffee shop without me? I think maybe the next time you see her, just go, you know, like, I, dude, I love you, but I can see other people without you,

Yeah, absolutely, I love that, Thank you, Chelsea.

What do you think I would say, because yeah, I mean, if the sit down conversation, I think that's great advice. I think if the sit down common conversation, if she's too immature for that, which she probably is, then it's probably gonna hurt her feelings and it's gonna blow up to a point where you're going to start to feel guilty about how you made her feel, which is like

We can't be attached to the hip, you know, Yeah.

We don't live together anymore, like you know you actually you don't need to track me. I don't want to like stress you out by me. I don't want to stress you out by you seeing like what I'm doing all day. But obviously I have other people in my life, honey. I think the great line is it doesn't make me love you any less, but we're not like I actually don't know how to sell someone who's so neat, Like I just could never fucking tolerate that shit.

You know what I mean?

I'm so young twenties, like I had the eye because I lived with girls like all throughout my twenties and we had such relationships like that where it was like you get in the pattern of doing everything with them and then and then one day someone's like, oh, I'm going to get for you, and everyone's like, oh.

Call the royal guard, like what's happening.

So it's just like I think that the more like light and goofy you can do it is better because again,

What about the idea of tanks. Let me know what you girls think about this? Catherine's youtuo, Like, what do you think about complaining about this?

Is very passive aggressive? But what do you think about complaining about her her qualities pretending they're about someone else to her? Like what about that?

What if you're like, oh my god, this guy you know or one of my girlfriends. She's on me all the time, she texted me all the time, Like what is that approach?

Like, can you believe she only wants me to hang out with her? That's crazy?

Yeah, that's horrible.

I think I've done that before and I don't think that I don't think the hint was really going through.

Yeah, that's not pretty straightforward advice. I'm usually against kind of being passive aggressive, but like, sometimes with people you have to be so special, like you know, you have to handle so delicately. It's exhausting.

Totally.

Yeah, I love that, though not a whole intervention, I think that feels super approachable.

That feels great.

Yeah, like address it when it comes up.

And I also think, like, maybe today is the day we stop sharing location?

What do we think?

Girls? I don't know, how do you say no? She'll freak out?

If you just if you just remove it, then she'll freak out like that's too much.

Well maybe maybe you just know, I don't know, maybe you just say you removed everyone's like sharing location, Like you just realize that not everybody needs it except for your.

Mom or your dad or whatever.

Yeah, like I did a refresh.

I just did a refresh ago. I didn't even think about it. I just was looked at it. I was sharing locations with so many people. I just was like, why this is not necessary?

Yeah, yeah, awesome, I love that. Yeah, yeah, that's easy I think to do. I have to check out my.

Locations because someone said something like that to me the other day and I'm like, how many people am I sharing locations with? And then I looked and it's like fucking four hundred people, like three ex boyfriends.

I'm so so stupid. I know. Well, I mean, obviously no one's coming to get me.

I mean knock on would anyway, Thanks for calling in, and I hope we were able to help. Tanks was able to tink. Tinks Tis is her new name. I've decided it's a tick, like a summer tick, a tick in the Hampton's she uh she helped you though, so.

I love it.

Thank you both so much.

Good luck, babe, bye, Thanks.

Thanks.

There's nothing I bore more than needy friends. I fucking handle it. I am not needy, and I I don't want you to need me. That's why I don't have fucking children.

It turns me off.

It's so like, yeah, it's just so annoying, like the neediness or insecurity and the friendship.

It's really a turnoff for me and friends. I don't have any insecure friends.

And the thing that I really hate is when friends get jealous of you the way hanging out with other I had a friend who would get mad if I hung out with someone she introduced me to without her. I'm like, that's how people meet, that's how people get introduced.

You introduce.

Do you don't have many people I've introduced that are best friends without me, Like, I fucking love that, which is great. Leave me out of the equation. I don't care, Like it's not a problem. That's what you're supposed to do is connect people in life, Like you're supposed to introduce the people you love to each other and.

Hopefully they make a connection. No, I take it as a point of pride.

When I see people that I've introduced hanging out together, that's that's good.

Good good people know good people. I love being a connector.

But when people get weird about it, I'm like, oh, for God's sakes, we're adults.

Yeah, people are insecure. A lot of people are insecure. Most people are insecure.

What's your love status right now, Tanks, is anything happening in your neck of the woods.

I'm single.

I mean, I'm going on a few dates, but I'm pretty single.

I'm pretty happy.

I'm honestly having the time of my life, Like I just got by leaving Miami with my friends.

I'm my book's about to come out, Like it's good. I'm having a good time. And are you working with a dating coach?

She came on my podcast and she is like this, you know, really famous dating coach. And I said, in the middle of it, oh, why don't you look at my dating profile and like tell me what you think. In the middle of my podcast, she read me to filth. She was like, this is the worst dating app profile. Your pictures are too slutty, this is too negative. We got to change all this because I said on there, I said, no.

One who will be intimidated. I travel a lot for work.

I'm looking to have fun and I'm like, you know, blah blah blah, and she was like, God, this is so. But you know, at the end of the day, that's who I am. I do come in a bit like that. I'm very like, yeah, I'm like that. I'm like, don't do that.

This is me. I like to have fun and I do dress like a slot, so I feel like I should be honest about that. Yeah, I agree with that.

I think you put your like right, you put your most honest foot forward, even if that foot has two bunions. You're like, listen, this is me, this is who I am, and this is how it's going to be, because then there shouldn't be any confusion exactly.

I thought I was being honest.

Yeah.

I don't like people who come in and say, oh, no, you got to do this again.

How would you know?

Like, are you You're You're not a professional dater obviously because you're running a dating like website or dating coaching whatever it is.

But I agree with that.

I think the honesty is always the best policy, which is why I just told that girl to lie to her friend.

Okay.

So Hotter in the Hamptons is Tinks's new book. It comes out May sixth. It's going to be available everywhere. It's available for pre order, so please pre order your book.

Enjoy it.

It's time to get frisky in the summertime. Everybody, Okay, ladies, and thank you Tanks. It was always pleasure to see.

You, always a pleasure. This was fabulous. Thank you, Thank you guys for having me.

Hie day.

Hi do do do do do do?

Drum roll Catherine please and abroad broad is my European tour. So I'm coming to obviously find a husband abroad. I need to get the health out of this fucking country and it's not as easy as you think. So I'm coming to Rekuvik, I'm coming to Dublin. I'm coming to the UK. I'm coming to Brussels, Paris, Belfast.

In May and June.

I'm coming to Oslo, Stockholm, to Copenhagen, Manchester, London, Glasgow, New Zurich, Vienna. I've never ever been to Vienna, Berlin, Barcelona and Lisbon. I'm coming abroad is abroad.

That sounds like fun. I'm going to go see you abroad.

I know I want to go see me abroad and there there all be, there all be excellent.

Okay.

My remaining dates for Vegas, there are remaining dates for this year.

Summertime is coming and.

I will be in Vegas at the Cosmo doing my residency on July fifth. We will be the next date that I'm there, July fifth, August thirtieth, and then November one and twenty ninth. November one and November twenty ninth, I will be in Las Vegas at the Cosmo performing inside Myself at the Chelsea. It's called Chelsea at the Chelsea for a reason.

Okay, thank you.

Do you want advice from Chelsea?

Right into Dear Chelsea Podcast at gmail dot com. Find full video episodes of Dear Chelsea on YouTube by searching at Dear Chelsea pod. Dear Chelsea is edited and engineered by Brad Dickert executive producer Catherine law And be sure to check out our merch at Chelseahandler dot com