Hot Secrets with Ilana Glazer

that's uh apropos or apt I should say. Yeah, it is a new year. It's an exciting time to be alive. It can't be fucking like last year. That that much we know for sure. So there are vaccines. Yes, there's an omicron variant spreading, but there are vaccines people, and they're available to you. They are non discriminatory. You can get a vaccine. So if you can get one, do it please. That's amazing. And are you based in Whistler

now you're just like hanging out skiing right now? Yes, I um hanging out skiing and I am basing myself out of Whistler so I can catch my breath from performing every weekend and I have a lighter schedule and I am excited. Yeah, I'm excited to get the party started, you know what I mean, the skiing party. That is amazing.

My guest for today you know her from Broad City and her stand up special The Planet Is Burning, which is available on Amazon, and from her voter empowerment work with her organization Generator, which is how she and I really got together. Actually, she is also the star, the creator and star a False Positive, which is a movie on Hulu. It is a thriller horror about childbirth, and they filmed it a couple of years ago, but this just came out this summer and while ironically she was

pregnant with her first baby. So my guest today is a Lata Glazier. Yeah, welcome a Lana. I'm going to you and say it's Glazer. Oh fuck, that's a Lana. Glazers is like a sort of me who works with glass and Glazer is this guy? Okay, And I wanted you to know that my last name is actually hand Job and everyone's been pronouncing that role as well a lot of Glazer. That's it. I'm glad you corrected me.

I do that with Charlie's Throne all the time, who's a very close friend of mine, and she gives me shit about mispronouncing her name all the time, first or last. I mean, they're both ex that's and I told her, I go, I don't even think you're pronouncing it right. You know what I mean. That's how I feel about Australian accents. They exactly. That's how I feel about Australians.

Where are we nerve? Yeah, Nai, I was trying to get that Australian knife for a long time because I was doing this imitation of an Australian pilot in my stand up, and then I had to toss it because I couldn't get the name because it's like night nine A. You are as how the youths are spelling it on the internet is that it's rough. Like my voice is so great, So well, yeah, I like your voice. It's soothing. You should do one of those meditation apps. Oh, I'd

love it, just for Jews only. The last time I saw you, we were at my show in the Beacon. You came so kindly. I loved seeing you. I was just lit and so empowering. Of course, I missed the night before, Sarah Silverman and Amy Schumer and Sarah Cooper. You had a damn lineup girl. Oh yeah, that was fun. We were all on. The person we were missing was you, but you were sick and you were being responsible because it was one of those every time we get six sick, it's a COVID scare thing, so we have to be

even just a little flair. I was thinking about an awesome fiftieth birthday party that I missed recently because I was like a little rundown, and I was like, fuck, but you gotta do it. It's always been gross to show up somewhere a little sick, but now it's disgusting. Now it is disgusting and wrong. And we were together

on that night. We went out to dinner with Matteo Lane and yeah, I was on my thirty day alcohol light, so I got to break my thirty day alcohol light with a Lana Glazer and I had an Apperall sprits who knew that sentence would ever come out of my mouth? Hey, that I was on an alcohol clens and b that I broke it with an Apperall sprits so funny, I mean, not basically like a soccer mom at this point a mother though at this point, Yeah, I am a what is what are you in the city is a walk

up mom? Just stairs and stars and stares. I'm just like, how long can this last? I don't know, Chelsea h Job, I don't know. The good thing is that, like, as long as my form is good, life is a hardcore workout in New York City with a baby. So I'm feeling fit and strong, but I'm also like, it's just insane here. It's just insane. I'm looking but I've been here sixteen years and uh what a crazy It's just changed. The city is so insane and it's like the microcosm

of everything insanity. Do you think it's wearing you thin? Are you saying that you love it? How are you feeling? I mean if I love it and I hate it, I mean like I love it, but I'm also just like what you know? The high rises. The rats are are full citizens in New York. It's it's bunkers in l A. They're crazy. There are rats in l A. And they are possums. Yeah, they're large. That is scary ship they are. I was staying in l A for like five months last year, and whenever I'm in l A,

I'm haunted by ghosts. I have like environmental issues and animal issues, and something always is like happening. And the rats were like full woodworking in the walls of the places I was staying. Oh my god, it was building furniture. It was insane. So staying at a hostel. I was staying at a totally lovely house in Laurel Canyon, but they were like, oh yeah, Laurel Canyon, the nicest place. Yeah,

infested with rats. I was like, this place is I mean, l A is so itself and its contradictions, but in New York they're smaller and more cerebral. At least we rolled that's a good way to put it. Yeah, Yeah, Joe and I went to this morning. We're doing this out of New York City today. Joe and I went to because he had to get his tc A renewed t s A to move quicker at the airport. He didn't get his renewed so you could get pre check or whatever it is t s A, pre check, t

c A or the Critics Choice Association. So that's exactly what I was talking about. Anyway, we had to go there and get that done. And we went in. Well, we had an appointment, but it was in the bronx, and I said, let's just walk in. We walk in, walk it some walk like a walk into some post office around the corner. We walk in, we put his name in, and then we go to check and see how long it is, and they say it's going to

be two hours. And we were waiting in the room and the woman's like, okay, well you can't wait inside if you're a walking and like we had been waiting for thirty minutes. I go, but we've been here the whole time, and she goes, yeah, but no appointments only are allowed to wait inside. And we were masked up obviously, and I said, okay, so we have to now go outside because I asked you how long it was, and she goes yes, So we leave, we go get we go get Head of Cures together, one of my favorite

activities to do with my boyfriend. And we came back and she's like, okay, appointments have been canceled. I was like, what the fucking kind of customer service is this? Oh my god. It's like not that I ever have intellectual references, but it's like Edward I'll be play, you know, like waiting for good Dough and no Exit. It's the two references I have from college. I don't know ship, but it's just like you're in a loop and it's like

an absurdist play. And that's what bureaucracy in New yarpe. Yeah, and the logic behind it. It's like these people have an appointment, so they can wait in the waiting room, but you can't because you're a walking appointment. It's like, okay, little Dr Susie. Yeah, the logic is like really anyway, Okay, can I say two things T T C A S. You just want a critics word for evolution, right, I thank you. No, I won one for Best Comedy to

our People's Choice Award. Yeah, but same thing, right, Well the people, I mean that's that's even better no offense than the critics. Well for me, and it's all about the people. Yeah. I can't be performing for critics. We know that. You know that, right, Yeah, but congratulations, thank you, honey, thank you. All of your winds is so inspiring. I love them. Well, I feel the same way about you, speaking of which, it was a little much I think

to Joe. That was like Joe Joe Coy, Like, I'm just so excited about your guys love and nothing's too much for him. He is the king of enthusiasm. So don't even ever get it twisted. I want to talk more specifically about your movie False Positive Love It, So let's talk a little bit about that and why that was important for you to make, because I know that was close to your heart, right, Yeah, I mean that was like a I can't even believe it got made. It was such a like fucked up passion project from

like my core. So I'm actually I'm stoked about it and I'm star if you want to talk about it. Yeah, So you were involved obviously in the creative process from the outset. Yeah. I I wrote that with my writing partner for that film, John Lee, So we wrote that script and then I started it and he directed it. So it was like similar to Broad City in that it was like something that I saw from conception to birth, no pun intended, because it's all about birth and seating.

So yeah, it's a very white punk and satirical and weird and unique. And what were the most important themes, like when you were very passionate how First of all, how long did it take you from the start of conceptualizing it to actually executing it? Gosh, what year is it? My brain is so broken Instagram? Well you have money brain. Now you can blame that and COVID and New York. Today I blame Instagram. Actually, um, I just played Instagram. My brain is leaking out my ears. Every time I

open Instagram. It's just brain diarrhea out of my ears. What about when you mindlessly go on TikTok and then it plays it at full volume even when you have it down on Instagram. If you go on TikTok, everyone around you know that you're on TikTok a TikTok. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. I make them once in a while, but I don't have like a social media person. I have a coordinator and producer who helps me, but it's not like I, like have a dedicated social media person. If I did.

They're fun, you know, it's fun to make little things and it's a fun creative outlet. But like, I can barely handle it on my own, so I make just stupid ones randomly. I'm not I haven't invested a whole thing in any Yeah, I have a social media team because I can't be I can't I feel that that way about you. I need somebody to get excited for me, and then I can produce the content. I'm not even produce it. I can show up and record it. That's like somewhere I want to get too is just have

that because it's fun and it does reach people. You know, it feels good as a fan to like see your stuff and be like, hey, Chelsea, you know I want to get there, but yeah, my ship's leaking out my ears. So the question was how long did it take you from the inception a false positive to actually seeing it come to fruition. I would say five years from starting to talk about it with John Lee to three years from writing it to the point of putting it out.

And it's about the power structures that run the world and how they fuck over women, and that happens in medicine. That happens, of course on a spectrum from black to Asian to white too queer. You know, there's this algorithm in the power structures that box people over to different degrees.

So it's about this white woman in New York City who's trying to get pregnant in her husband are trying to get pregnant, and the medical system, specifically the reproductive medical system fox here over in a scary way that truly happens. Because the movie is out, I'm going to tell you about it. There is a phenomenon that is pretty rampant and increasingly being exposed where some fertility doctors

put their own sperm in their unwitting patients. And because es Catherine, thank you for that look, I'm like horrified over here. Yes, because of the way the world works is that the policymakers protect people, and if the policymakers all look like Mitch McConnell, the only people protected or Mitch McConnell. So it's technically legal. So some lawsuits have happened or but it's been for other ship they have

to name it as another thing. There's so little research about women and reproductive health, and they're so little legal protection obviously, so it's like a horror movie that's like a satire about like the whiteness and the New York nous. And here in New York we think we're so progressive, but damn are we pretty backwards in a lot of ways, you know, like income disparity alone tells you how backwards a places. And you know, there's the richest people here

in the poorest people here. So New York can be whacked in that way too. So it's a pretty amazing cast. Pierce Brosnan is our villain. He's Pierce Prosden is awesome in this movie. First of all, I love Pierce Brosen. Isn't he just the sexiest man alive? Every year? Piers Brasson is the sexiest man alive, and he always has been and always has been because like the reason that he remains Pierce Prosdon is because he is a gentleman, like giggling and blushing, a gentleman and an artists and

just a cool dude. He's like gone through a bunch of ships, survived it with immediately visible elegance, and is just awesome to work with. He is awesome to work with. Oh my gosh, I'm going to tell you this this story. So there's this shot, Oh my goodness, I am giggling and blushing. There's this thing, I have a mask like

any other school a crushed girls. There's this shot in the film where I'm like, it's this real like stylist shot and I'm covered in blood, buck naked, and I look at myself in the mirror clothed and buck naked and clothed and naked. And I talked to Pearce on the phone to like talk about getting him to do the movie and talking about the movie or whatever. But the first time that I met him in person was

covered in blood, fully naked. Oh on set, Yes, I was like, bring him in, and that's how I met him. I was like, I think this will be the this is the closest I'll ever get, So here you go. I was just done. I was like, this is this is me? I was. I was covered in fake blood, which is almost like Cherry Sarah. So it was a little demure and probably very erotic for him. I hope.

I mean that's all we can do, is hope. Now, when you sold this movie based on the subject matter and everything, was that difficult to sell or did you just sell it's on Hulu? Right? Yeah? We went straight too, and they dug it. They're like pretty, they're keen, right, So they dug it and they were like, okay, let's do this, and we we shaped the story with them too too. It became that style. We we always were aiming at that kind of satire and the tone that

it evokes. Their great producers, they helped us like shape it, shape this world. And what has it and what has the feedback been. Have you heard from a lot of different women now about watching that movie and their own experiences? Yes, it is really eerie. How many people, like even just in talking about the movie, how they have had similar experiences discovered that this has happened to them. So many people have told me that this has happened to them.

If that's who their father is, is there a doctor riffs with their mothers who didn't tell them? I think I am a to The mothers are like found in a way where they're like, did I do this? I kind of knew it afterwards. I kind of put the pieces together, you know. It's it's so so doctors opting to forego the semen that they've been supplied with and instead inseminate their own semen into their own patients. So

this is a thing that is happening. Yes. Is it because they like ran out of college student semen or they're just like monsters? It's because their monster? Yeah, since when does a man, help when you run out of something, no college and it's free. So no, it's because they're monsters. And I guess the people in this position tend to be white males, but I can't help. But it feels connected to white supremacy to They're like, believe me, my sperm is primo. It's like, I don't think so, bro,

I don't think so. I think the hardest thing for a lot of people to get around. And I'm sure all of our listeners are on the same page because we have such a loyal fan base, and I think the hardest thing to get around. It's like whenever I mentioned anything, like everything to me is goes right back to white supremacy, Like everything in society, even regular, common everyday things that happened. You're like, oh, there's white supremacy at work. And Joe is always like, oh my god,

oh my god. I'm like, you are a victim of white supremacy, so you should actually be even more tuned to this. The thing is as white people, like the wool has been pulled over our eyes the most because we're the ones meant to uphold the whole system. So I find that like, as a white person, and as a white woman, it's like I'm like working on this bit of like I can't unsee the patriarchy. I see it everywhere. I see it in you know, utensils and tips and the way people. You know, it's like it

is everywhere. But it's because we haven't been thrust upon the system hasn't been thrust upon us in a particular way to see it as kids, you know what I mean. Like, um, there's this awesome New York representative cho say in Brooklyn, whose third generation Brooklyn and he's like twenty three. He is, uh, amazing. This young person is filled with light, totally sees the whole system and how to navigate through it. Is a politician,

he's he's he's amazing, an activist term politician. And I was like, Mr, Oh, say, how do you see the whole system this way? And he was like, it's because I'm black, Because at a young age I knew as a black person in a black family in a black community what the system was doing, you know. But for us to be like way and then and then it comes later now it's like I feel a delayed response where it started when I left home. Basically Smithtown. Phille lives in the town that I grew up in. Oh cute,

which is a cute connection. I mean a real as authentic connection behind the scenes here at Chelsea hand Job, you know. But you come up against it everywhere, and we do need to be reminding ourselves or else it's harder to stay like fucking wilful against it. Yeah, yeah, especially, I mean it is hard because it becomes such as feel it feels like you're always arguing, you know, like you're always cantankerous, and you are arguing, and it's like

and it's a necessary argument. To be constantly reminding. It's a bummer, But it's also necessary to be constantly reminding yourself and others around you to look and see like through this, through this lens of like the real reality of things, even growing up. You know, when I look back at the way how bombastic and arrogant I was at a young age, everyone just thought I had so

much confidence and I was so fearless. It was like, no, I just had grown up in a structure where I knew I could be the loudest and there was we were going to be no repercussions. Did you grow up with Jews. Yeah, Jews and Italians, which are basically interchangeable, but it was very Jewish, very Italian where which they called Bagel Hill for short. On that note, we have

this podcast is where we give advice. We have real people who call in and we're just going to give our advice and hopefully these are areas that you feel comfortable giving advice in which I know you will. And um, yeah, so Katherine, should we start with our callers. Yes, we'll have to take a quick break, but after that we'll get to some collars. Oh, yes, we always have to take a quick break. Don't forget about that. Okay, and

we're back. We're back with a lot of glazer and we're going to take some callers, right, Katherine, Yes, we are. Our first submission is actually an email. We actually have two collars today, so our first email comes from Natalie. The subject is secret job. Dear Chelsea. I'm a forty six year old woman who has a great husband, two amazing, smart, well rounded kids, and I live a quiet, content life.

My problem is, before I had kids, I had a very active work life, were filled with responsibilities and promise. We lived in a large city and I felt like I was going places career wise. When our first son was born, I never really went back to work because my husband's job was very demanding and unpredictable, and we had no easy childcare option. Fourteen years and a year of COVID later, I realized I wanted to start doing

something outside of the house. Pre COVID I volunteered, so I decided to get a job as a school bus driver. Here's the thing, Chelsea, I've been doing it for a year and none of my family or friends know I have this job. I really enjoy it. I love the kids. Driving the bus is never boring, and it's only three hours a day. But I've kept it a secret because I feel that people will look down on me, like

I couldn't get anything better, or that I'm lazy. All my friends have fast paced city jobs but no kids. I'm an educated woman, and I don't know why I care what people think. I guess I could go on and get a better job, but being out of the job market for so long, I feel I've been left behind. Also, my husband has a six week holiday every year, and my family's time off together is very important to us,

so I guess I want your opinion. Am I being dishonest with myself about keeping this job a secret and pretending to still just be a stay at home mom? Atalie? Oh? God? First of all, you need to embrace the fact that you're driving a bus and you fucking love it. I love Natalie so loving it? Then? And also how to keep it a secret? Bitch, I'm loving it. I'm loving it. And also like her self awareness. I hate the stigmas and ship that's like weighing her down. But I'm like,

I get it, but oh I'm loving it. Yeah. First of all, you need to embrace the fact that you got that job and that you love it, and that first of all, you're having a great impact on children. Is you like what you're doing? Be And then the third thing is you're it's part time, so you're able to do everything else that you feel like you need to do, which is parent you know, not as much as you were doing when they were younger, it's not as intensive, and you're earning a living like this is

a home run. All of this. Yeah, I'm like, I'm like, you are not keeping this from your family, You're keeping this for yourself. Is yours? Get Natalie? Yes? Also dare I say, if you'd like you sent money for therapy to look at why you have the shame because therapy is fun. That's just I just love therapy. Yeah, and I don't think driving a bus is beneath anybody. I think if you look at it, first of all, you don't even need this job, so that that it's not

like it's the only job you could get. You chose this job, and you're doing something that is having a positive impact on your community, which is a number one the most important thing any of us can do as individuals, especially in this fucking country, you know, where people are all over the map and so divisive and hate each other. You know, this is a great use of your time and you should own it and embrace it, and when

you want to share it with everybody, do it proudly. Yes, everyone loves a bus driver as a kid, Like I was obsessed with my bus driver. That's amazing. I love that, Like a brilliant mom is like taking care of these kids. And you're like these days a frontline worker. Really that you're that's so important to get these kids to school. That's so fun. And you also don't know, Natalie, how many people you're going to inspire by telling telling the world how much fun you're having and and owning it

instead of being shameful about it. Flip the script on that. Just be like, yeah, I'm cool enough to do this and be confident and secure enough that I don't have to make excuses for having a job that only you, in your mind are judging as not good enough or not making enough money. This is a great way to contribute while also making a living. So good on you. And yeah, spread the word when when you feel comfortable. I think you should have done it yesterday, but that's

my opinion. You know, just spread it. Spread the gospel to other people so they can know that, like, yeah, it's not all about how much money you're making, and especially when you don't need that kind of income to supplement your household. I know, I don't think it's lovely and a lot of retirees do bust driving. You know, it's just fun to get your own kids. She's having a great time. I think when it's time for you to tell your personal community about it, it's interesting that

you wanted to keep it from them. That's what I mean about the therapy, just because it's it doesn't have to be therapy, but just looking at that is interesting. Yeah, problem solved. It sounds like Natalie, So I guess there was no problem to begin with. And we love these kinds of calls. It's just positive affirmations and then schedattle. Yeah, I could see you driving a bus. That sounds fun. I I can't. Sorry, I don't know that I would

operate a vehicle. A lot of that I would trust myself, but I feel like, WHOA, it would be like a little too anxious for it. So prop Tonatalie also on operating an enormous like what seven ton piece of machinery screenery that's important for a woman and a mom to do. That's a pretty specific ton of reference, seven tons right off the bat, she knows how much a bus ways.

Pretty interesting, just just throwing it out there. So many talents. Well, our next email comes from Bryson and he is calling in. He says, Dear Chelsea, I'm a twenty nine year old medical student from South Carolina. I've been in a relationship up with an amazing man for a year and a half now. He's the sweetest, most caring person I've ever met, and I'm so thankful for him. However, my boyfriend and

best friend of ten years have become enemies. When meeting her for the first time in Orlando over New Year's, boyfriend said something negative about her and she overheard it. A horrible argument broke out and made the rest of the trip incredibly awkward. A couple of weeks later, I found out that she had uninvited him to her wedding. I was supposed to be the man of honor, but my boyfriend was not allowed to attend. I ended up going to the wedding, but since then things have not

been the same. We've been through therapy over this situation, and I've not been able to salvage the relationship between the two of them. My boyfriend absolutely wants nothing to do with her and has threatened to end our relationship if she remains a part of my life. My best friend thinks he's controlling and quote horrible. Is it possible to fix this so I can have both my boyfriend and my best friend Bryson? What I love friendship triangle? Oh that's hard? Hi bright Sondi, Hi, Hi, how are you?

I'm good? So excited for you guys. Thanks, We're happy to be here to help you navigate. Yes, okay, so tell us what happened. So it's your best friend and your boyfriend exactly. Yeah. So we get there and she starts making some like kind of racist comments at the beginning, unfortunately, and he's biracial, so like really sensitive to any kind

of stuff like that. So, like we're going into a Walmart, and she talked about how like, oh, there's always these black people hanging out outside of the Walmart and it makes her nervous, so like already that's not a great way to start. And then like this is New Year's Eve, so like we're all having this party at her house and we're talking about relationships, and she says something like, well, you guys have only been together for like twenty minutes.

We've been together for almost a year at that point. And then like as a night got on, he and I were having what we thought was a private conversation. He shared with me like I can't believe how rude she is, Like somebody needs to put her in her place, and I'm glad we don't live near her. And turns out she was in the bedroom and heard everything that we said. So she comes like storming out of the house and you know, blows up at him like I heard everything you said. Just it errupts. Then they have

this like amazing conversation. She's crying, saying like, you know, she's not a racist person. You know, she and him don't have to necessarily be friends, but because she loves me and he loves me, like they need to get along. Everything's fine. The next like three days of our trip

are great. A couple of weeks later is her bachelorette party, and she tells me on the trip he's not invite to the wedding anymore, which came like a completely like out of nowhere, like why you guys just have this awesome you know you made up, Like why would you do this? So she blamed it on COVID, said that when her bridal party is having their partners or whatever, AND's like, okay, we'll fine, Like I can get that. So we get to the wedding. Of course everyone in

the bridal party has a partner. So she lied to me about that, so I was hurt immediately. It was her man of honor, so like I had an amazing speech, you know, and I was there standing right next to her throughout the whole wedding and afterwards, I just kind of cut ties. More and more time went by, and like we started therapy over this, and what we decided through therapy was that I need to start pulling away from this relationship, like I need to cut contact in

order to salvage what I have with him. And I have a really hard time with that. I really struggle

cutting ties with people. And and so we went about two months without speaking, and then she finally reached out, and I guess because I had, you know, wanted to talk to her for so long, Like when she reached out, I kind of reverted back, like it was just like nothing had changed, you know, but still had him over here, who was hurting really badly knowing that I was having these conversations with her, because in his eyes, it's like, you know, you're you don't have my back. So we're

at staying now. We haven't spoken since September. We've been best friends for ten years. We used to speaking like every day, and it's been really hard because like I'm at a really great point in my life. I'm going to graduate medical school, Like I'm interviewing out all these programs and I want to share all these experiences with her, and she just bought a house, and I want to hear about her married life and the Survivor Finaleeston and

we love that, so that's something we always talk about. So, you know, just not having that in my life has been really hard. So I'm just not sure how to have both of those. Yeah, you're not the only person. A lot of people have a problem cutting off ties, have a problem with complex confrontation, so that's not uncommon. But can I just ask you about your relationship with your your partner. Would you describe it as a healthy relationship? Does he treat you well? Does he respect you? All

of those things? He's the most amazing person I've ever met. Like, I've dated some scumbags in the past few years, and once he came into the picture, everyone's like, finally, my family loves him. You know, everybody in my life loves

him except for her. Yeah, so I'll go first. I think that your friend sounds like she's got some a jealousy issues about your relationship with him, and then be she's got her own issues if she's making comments like that walking into Walgreens or you know, commenting about black people like. For you to have a tolerance of that is kind of what you have to just that's your baseline, right, are you going to be tolerant of that kind of behavior?

That's the perfect reasoning for you to give somebody the room they need with a nice like email as your last outreach to her, saying, this is a person in my life that is so important to me. This is the best relationship, the healthiest relationship I've ever been in. I hope that at a certain point in your life that you will come around to recognize how valuable he is to me and how valuable your your friendship is too. But I'm being forced now to make a choice between

the two of you because of her behavior. It doesn't sound like your partner did anything to warrant her acting like this. She through it, and you're not only did she make that comment walking in with somebody who's bi racial, That comments not except acceptable if you're around a bunch of white people, never mind if you're around somebody who's

not white, you know what I mean. And then also what she did to you at her wedding by disinviting him and then showing up, that's a real fuck you that's a fuck you to you, you know, And so you're hesitancy about having a confrontation or losing someone when somebody like like that is in your life and kind of just attracting so much negativity. You're used to that. That's a habit for you that you're okay with, and

you shouldn't be. Really, you should have a higher standard of operation between your friends and what's acceptable to say and what's not because regardless of whether you're with this guy or not, she shouldn't be talking about black people like that. I mean, are you okay with that? No? Certainly not. You've gotten away with it for so long, like saying he's off the cuff comments and you know, I don't think she's a racist person, but you know it's not even okay to like say joking things. Yeah,

and you can put that in the letter. You can write her this email and saying all of the things that you value you about your relationship. And here's where you've crossed the line. And I would be willing to forgive you if you would be able to come to the table and actually say I've done some work on myself. I'm ready to actually act like in concert in this relationship, so it's not uneven and one sided, and where she's willing to embrace your partner and also owe him a

heartfelt apology. She owes him a heartfelt apology, not not just saying oh yeah whatever, she has to actually say from her heart, because I'm sure your partner, if he's a well rounded individual, would accept an apology if it were heartfelt. The problem is that it sounded like the initial one wasn't, and then her behavior after that negated any apology anyway. So I just am completely behind everything that Chelsea's saying. And I don't mean to just straight

up alienate her, but I'm like, that's nuts. To say that in a group of white people is like what, But to say that with a biracial person is nuts. That's just wild to me, you know, and not cool. And the wedding thing is so hurtful. I just for a second one to reflect that is so hurtful, manipulative and like gaslighting. I'm like, if I were there, I'd

be like, am I crazy? That is so gaslighting. So there's a couple levels I'm looking at here where it is so mean to your partner and so mean to you you're her best friend of ten years that she's like fighting for. That is so I mean, honestly low key violent to both of you. That's a lot to process. I'm so excited by the way you're talking about him and that the rest of your community is so into him.

Look at she smile. I mean, that's like, dude, that's I've chills, Like there's nothing better why I'm obsessed with I just like Doe Koy. I mean, it's like, dude, like, also, you're becoming a doctor. You need support in order to care for all these people that you're about to care for. So as we get older, the different ears and decades that we go through, our priorities shift. And you know, I'm thinking, maybe she was the type of person who who was the correct best friend for when you were

dating scumbags. Maybe she's not the right person for when you're dating a gem. And I really like Chelsea's idea of an email, just because it gives written boundaries almost like legally, it's like, but I said this, you know, it's you can't always hold people to you said this. People change, things change, But I like that in an email, and I'm what I like about it actually is that it provides distance. I don't think that being close to

this person is healthy. I don't think that you have to be like, I'll never talk to her again because you know, if she feels like family or something. We all have racist family and it's not like, you know, you can never talk to them again, and you can also interact with them in a way that is health through exercising healthy boundaries. But I'm like, yeah, I wouldn't want her at my wedding if I were you or your partner, because that's just not chill and relaxing and joyful.

There's like something to keep your eye on in mind on there, like you don't want any you don't need any stains, you know, like you don't need any stains on the day to day. Yeah. And I would also remind you that, you know, sometimes when you cut off a friendship, I know you're viewing it as a loss, but it can be a gain, you know what I mean. When you set your standards to be higher, you're gaining because you're saying this is no longer acceptable to me.

I will not tolerate this behavior from you. I love you, and you can say that would love you know, sometimes friendships do exhaust themselves or they have a expiration date, and that can be depressing. But you don't have to

look at it that way. You have to look at it as you're growing, you're becoming less tolerant of any kind of that of that behavior also in service to your partner, like you respect him, and that's showing him respect, like I'm not going to allow you to be treated this way, you know, and that's going to have to make you feel good. You know, there's no reason it shouldn't. Like you're standing up for yourself and you should stand up for yourself. Protecting him and protecting your relationship is

protecting yourself. Like that just sounds like such a great situation. At first, when you said ultimatum, I was like a But then to hear the actual details, it's like that's that's your partner protecting himself and your relationship. He's he's seeing what's healthy. Yeah, And I don't see it as an ultimatum. I just see it as like a letter, like a missive of saying, hey, I understand we're in different places right now, so we're going to take a

time out from our relationship. I'm always here I'm always here for you if you want to come back, and you know you feel like you know you've changed or your your behave you know, you'll find the right words to describe the situation for what it's worth. Don't over like describe the details and the minut ship that's irrelevant. It's more broad strokes. You know. It's like we've been friends for a long time. That means a lot to me.

And I would never disrespect you in this way, or I would want to be available for you, Like if I said something that would ever hurt your partner, your husband, I would always want to be you know, aware of that, and I would want to amend or change my behavior become a little bit more clued into what's acceptable these days. But as a gay man and as a partner of somebody that you love that it sounds like you're going

to be with for quite some time. Yeah, you owe that relationship more respect than you owe your previous relationship. And at the end of the day, you're coming home to him, not to her. You know, it's like you define these two people, and when you talked about him, it's like lovely, amazing. The thing I've been looking for and when you talked about her, it was difficult overreacting

kind of racist. And I think when you look at it in those basic terms, like like Alana and Chelsea said, there's a reason we start to outgrow some of those relationships at I do feel like it's definitely a growing experience, like it's time to it's time to grow up and kind of make some of the harder decisions that I've been avoiding for a long time. This relationship is super important to me and definitely one that I see going long term. So yeah, I think it's time to put

on the big boy pants and make a decision like that. Yeah, And it's going to bring you and your partner even closer together because he's going to understand that you're going to up up to the plate for him and he should know that. You know, that's what a partnership is about. That she he's got your back. She doesn't have your back. She's shown you that a few times, so you don't need to find that out again. Yeah. It's definitely, um, you know, not easy for me, but I'm excited for

what the future has with us. Yeah, exactly. And I think once you do that, Bryson and your your avoidance of conflict will actually diminish. You know, once you get the ball rolling and you do it once, all of a sudden, you're like, oh wait, this is good, this is empowering. This is what I should be able to do to stand up for myself, my loved ones, my family, the people that are important. Perfect to meet you. Thank you, congrats on about to be graduating medical school. That is

a huge difficult accomplishment. Good job, Thank you so much. Take care. Thanks by Bryson. I was just about to add I'm glad that he's going to be graduating medical school without her ruining the graduation. It's not that she would show up for it, because she sounds like she's so wrapped up at her own stuff. But imagine doing that, Like you give you know, your friend comes down, you have this whole thing with his friend. I mean, what's your defense? Like she hears them talking about her, But

what's her defense. I didn't say those things. She's he's basically talking about what he heard her say, you mean in the bedroom, and she abuse but and she's like it sounds like the person that you get super drunk with, and she's messy and it's funny. And now he's growing up and it's like, sorry, girl, and she's gonna have

a challenging um, you know, good luck to her. Yeah, when you're described as abrasive, I mean I I remember times and when I was younger that being described as that, and I was like, what people are totally misreading me,

And it's like no, no, no, you are abrasive. And then you have to come to terms with that and understand your abrasiveness and how that affects you know, like your intention or what you're saying isn't always how things are digested, and you have to be self aware enough to get to get that, and sometimes people don't want to ever hear that. And actually to that point, it's like, so maybe she can change, but it's not going to happen through repeating the behavior or level of relationship that

they've had thus far. This change that Bryson is about to invoke will probably help her as well. Yeah, absolutely, because showing up to a wedding and finding out that everyone else had the plus one there, it's such a funk you. That is such a fuck you. I would have ended that relationship that day and never spoken to that person. I'm like, I can't stay here COVID. I'm like, no, no, no, yeah, nearly nearly. Anyway, we wrapped that up with a nice little bow. Yeah, this is a tricky one. Our next

email comes from Liza. She says, my son's best friend is an eleven year old girl who is an open and proud lesbian, and she's the daughter of my best friend of almost twenty years. Our children have been friends for their entire lives. They both were over for Thanksgiving and spent the night as they had done many times before, and it was all okay until I got an urgent phone call Sunday night on Thanksgiving. My son had forcefully kissed her honor with tongue after being told no on

a failed attempt. Her daughter is saying he sexually assaulted her. Her mom says she is traumatized and never wants to see him again. I have so much guilt. My friendship with my best friend is now in a very weird place, and I feel like shit. Other than therapy for my son, which he is about to start on Tuesday, signed up initially because of school behavioral issues, I don't know what to do. What do I do to teach my son consent and mend my friendship. Liza. Okay, Liza, that's really difficult,

I do. I mean, that is a very difficult situation. I think first you have to give your friends some space, like and her child some space, and not bombard her, not that that's what you're doing, but make sure you're giving her the amount of space that it takes you to address the situation, you know, because if you go back and you're like, let's fix our friendship, she's not there yet. And she and she sounds like you guys have been friends for a long time. You know, this

is really unfortunate. Obviously, your son does have some behavioral issues. If she had told him no before and he did that to her, even if you did that to her without her telling him no, that's not acceptable. So you're

addressing those. You should also get yourself into therapy, you know what I mean, because your parenting obviously can help be helped by any sort of child family like an MFCC will help you understand what you can be doing to better help your son understand the boundaries and the rules, like a Marriage Family Child counsel um, and they can help you, you know, like or a psychologist or so

you know, you know, a psychiatrist. Whatever you choose to do, m f ccs tend to be more affordable, so you can, like, you know, you just have to understand how you're supposed to direct your child, because that's the responsibility you have to take. Putting him in therapy is great, but you also need to understand what your role is, what your husband or partner's role is in this dynamic as well.

And then you know, once you've learned and gleaned some valid information and valuable information and you started to see a change in your son and he is as sorry as he's going to get about this, then you can

reach out to your friend and offer an apology. And and you know, understand that the little girl may not be interested in seeing him anytime soon, but that you're available if and when she does become ready, that you and your son are available to go there, whether it's in person, whether it's via email, you know, zoom, whatever is appropriate and in the moment to actually have a conversation when you have information about why he did act

like that and why he has started to change. You know, I don't think like apologies have that much merit until somebody's actually done a little bit of work on their side of things. I have very little, just like only an underline that's that's right, And that's like a that's

a hard situation. It's kind of like I've been thinking of I just had a baby five and a half months ago, and I've been thinking about families as like onions, where it's like the baby and the mother, I mean, at least in the very beginning, are one, and the next layer is the partner, you know, around that that layer, and then the next layer is whoever the next support layer is. And for your son to get hell, you

probably need some support also in supporting him. And it is your job to support him first and foremost, and then to understand yourself. And I guess that's probably what your best friend is doing with their child too, is supporting their child, and that's going to take time and space. Yeah, and it might be worth just, you know, just to make yourself feel better, you know, to send her an email saying that these are my points of action, and this is what I'm gonna do, and I'm going to

give you the space that you need. Obviously, I'm going to try to fix this situation. But I'm going to come back to you when I have something to fix it with, so that she knows that you're on the road. I'm sure she's devastated as well, of course. I mean, nobody wants their little girl to go through that, and nobody wants to lose their best friend. You guys have a friendship. But remember they are kids. These are little kids.

They're eleven years old, right, that's what she said. Their age was, So like, this isn't the end of the world, This isn't define your son. This is a great opportunity for learning and growth, huge opportunity so that this doesn't happen again, and that you raise a son that understands and respects boundaries. Because also, like teaching your son consent is a new concept in the mainstream discourse. Of course that's always there, but it's like it's just at a

new level right now. So I love Chelsea's point of it being a great opportunity, and they are kids, I think, just something that if you can be gentle with yourself, yeah, yes, and please keep us posted, let us know what happens and how it goes with therapy with your son and with your friend when you do reach out to her and hear back from her. It's really like so generous to share this anecdote and let it be in the conversation. Yeah, we're going to take a break and then we'll be

really back. Well. Our last call of the day is from Sarah. Sarah says, Dear Chelsea, how do you gracefully take compliments? I'm somewhat of a self conscious person who's always had trouble knowing what to do when someone gives me praise, specifically compliments regarding my son and soon to be second son. I adopted my fourteen year old when he was young because his parents were not able to take care of him. I was with his dad for a time and that didn't work out, but my kiddo

stayed with me. When people find this out, they fall all over themselves giving me praise, and I never know what to say. I want to show I'm thankful, but also that that's not really necessary. I take care of my son because it was a need I could fill, and it brings me joy. My fiance and I are now adopting another little one in a similar situation of need, and I feel so uncomfortable when people pour on the admiration,

and I just don't know what to say. As you are someone who helps many more people than me, I thought you might have some expertise in this area. Sarah Hi, Sarah Hi, Chelsea, Hi, how are you? This is a Laana Sarah Hi, Alana. I know who you are. I'm a fan. Thank you so much for having me today. So nice to meet you. Oh, it's nice to see you. Yes,

it's very nice to see you. So you just have a problem with people heaping praise on you because you're a great mom when you put it like that, No, I just think sometimes like I want to be really accepting of the admiration, but it feels uncomfortable to just be like, oh, well, thank you, I know I'm so great,

Like I really appreciate you noticing. I feel like there's got to be something that's like makes people understand that I really am grateful for them saying that and maybe more acknowledging that it is something a little bit different and their praise really does mean that extra bit. I feel like there's gotta be more something to show how much I care that they're taking the time to show that to me. Yeah, well, I think This is so easy.

First of all, I'm not great at taking compliments either, but I'm getting different kinds of compliments and you're getting so that's my own issue. But you just have to flip that little narrative in your head and every time somebody gives you that compliment, it's an opportunity for you to express to them how grateful you are a to be in the position that you are, that you're able to do this right, that you're able to be joyful while doing this, that you're able to have a good time.

That it's like, this is your purpose in a sense, you know what I mean, It's one of your purposes for sure. And oh my gosh, I love that so much that just in itself is the best answer that I could ask to give when that someone says this to me, that to me sounds so much more than oh well, thank you, like, oh, this is my purpose. That actually feels like when people are coming from this heartfelt place that they would feel heard by me repeating

something like that to them. Yeah, it's that simple, and just start saying that. You know, you can write down three different variations and responses you have and just rotate them like it's great to be able to be good at something, you know, it's great to me, and so good at being a mother. Like these kids are my life and they're a gift to me, so I'm able to give them the gift back of being a present parent. You bet, I'm a psyched to do this. Thank you

for noticing you know, all of those things. That's amazing. I love those answers, all of them, and you deserve all of the credit and congratulations on your people's choice. The word that is so awesome. Thank you so much. Definitely earned it. You're making people smile and making a difference all the time to oh, well, thank you, thank you for that compliment. Yeah, that means a lot to me. By the way, that's another thing you can say when people compliment you, that means a lot to me. You know,

that's true. That's awesome. Actually, yeah, I tried never to say. The one thing I try to always remember is never to say thank you mindlessly, Like, you know, even if it's like I'm at an event and they're all my fans are there and they're saying something, you know, it's over and over again. Like I don't want to project any sort of getting used to that. Ever, it doesn't

matter how long you've been doing this. You want to just be present for each person so you can receive their compliments and look them in the eye and be like really appreciative, you know. So that's also something Just as long as you're connecting with the person who's giving you the compliment and being heartfelt, then it lands. Yeah,

I totally agree. I feel like you're completely understanding where I'm coming from when I say that, just saying thank you kind of feels like there's there's something just below the surface more that you can make sure that they're hearing you. So do you do you have trouble accepting compliments? Yeah, totally. And I was just thinking, Sarah, like, I mean, I get why people like vell for you. You're so sweet and also like you have such a caring nature about you.

And I was even just thinking just the like feeling it in your body, like really, all you need to say is thank you. Although it helps to have like a stable of things that you do actually mean, but it is hard to like feel it. It feels like electricity, right because it's exciting and you do feel seen and then to be like thank you it's it does take. Um. It's kind of a skill actually to hold that energy

of someone else's so uh, I totally get it. And you're right though, to be like thank you, thank you, it's like you don't want that either, So yeah, it's kind of seems like a practice for you in presence that you're looking for. Yeah, you keep practicing that, and then, like you know, after the first three or four weeks, it's going to be second hat to you. And that's when you get into good habits. It's so easy to rehabituate yourself, definitely, And I do want to make space

for people just like you're saying to acknowledge that. I really appreciate them taking that minute to be like, hey, what you're doing is kind of different, and so I just love those answers and I really appreciate that. Well, thank you so much practicing Yeah, oh there there you know God, And I missed it because I was busy saying thank you, but thank you for calling in. That was a very upbeat way for us to wrap up our episode today. So we love that always. Thanks to me.

You n keep killing it, Thanks Sarah, thank you. Okay, Yeah, that was a good That was a good last call Katherine, because yeah, I know what talk about upbeat. I'm calling into figure out how to say thank you more and more sincerely. I like it was about to faun and I was like no, no, no, like stop, um, I actually like give compliments. That's like part of like one issue I have. I give compliments a lot. I mean

them all, I really do. But it's like it's it's also like I need to hold the thing, like I just love you and could I could veil, but it's actually important for me to just hold how much I love you. So like I was feeling that about Sarah and it's like it's it's funny holding energy is like I don't know, we kind of spill over and it's like Instagram you like and you like and you know, I know what you mean. I'm like not in Instagram today, but um, you know, just our world is designed for

like these like little compulsion check boxes. And I get where she's coming from. Yeah, but I think that makes you unique, you know what I mean. It's a nice quality, like holding back your affection or being effusive about somebody is when it's sincere, which it always is with you. I think people can also read that, and I think that you know, you don't want to like monitor your

personality in that way. You may think you're over doing it, but like even you mentioning Joe, I was like, I didn't see that at all, you know what I mean. So that's our own personal thing. That's like me always I always had that with inserting myself. That's something I should hold back on because it's not necessary all the time.

But when you're bringing joy and giving somebody props that there's nothing ever wrong with that, right, Well, it's like I'm measuring the balance between I mean, it is always sincere, but it's like I don't want it to be a compulsion. It's a little bit like you know, just like coming all over somebody where it's like you know, like it also like puts this spotlight on people that as Sara said,

it is like there's a balance there. You know. It's a little bit for me to let them know how I feel where it's like for me to walk away today like oh, Chelseie, you know there's part there's part of it for me to hold and just enjoy. Well, yeah,

I hear what you're saying. Yeah, we're always I know it's a constant of self examination, especially if you're you know, like to be enlightened or like to think of yourself in the process of being enlightened, because we can't say enlightened because then we're cooked, and then there would be no reason to be here. That's right, at least that's what I keep telling myself. It's true. It's a climb. Well, one last thing, Alanna, do you have a piece of

advice you'd like to ask Chelsea about? Yes, you know these days as stand up is an amorphous process compared to what it used to be, which was so clear you just get out and do it and try. I am curious how you are dealing with COVID on tour. I'm curious how you know? Are you like you know, are you vaxed all the way such that you're like I did all that I can do. I gotta live my life. Are you you know? Here I am with this mask? What what? How are you dealing with it? Well?

I have maccination vaccination requirements at the venues, so if they're not vaccinated, then they have to get a PCR test at the venue. Like in Detroit, that was a city I remember we had to start in an hour and a half late because there were two hundred people online getting getting their PCR tests because they were not bad because they were not vaccinated. And is that can

you do that no matter what the state? I don't know the rules behind that because my my tours with Live Nation, so there are a lot of Live Nation venues, all Live Nation venues. It's mandatory vaccination. I'm vaxed, boosted and I do meet great though with with people they have to have proof of vaccination to come back there. We all wear masks. There's no like taking off the masks. You know, if we say hello, we take a picture

of blah blah blah. So you know, you have to obviously be a little bit safer than you would be in your own like home. But it's doable and it's worth it. For me, it's totally worthwhile. And once you start getting out there, you're going to feel like the energy now you know, the stand up, having live performances and live crowds, and you are doing a service for people like you are coming to their city and you are showing up for them, and they value that. I'm

so ready for it. I miss I miss everybody. I know, well, I'm ready. I can't wait for your next one hour. I just can't wait. Yeah, her last hours on Amazon, that's right, right, called the Planet is burning. Yeah, the planet is burning. Yeah. If you If you guys want to tune into that too, and don't forget to check out False Positive if you haven't seen that, that's on Hulu, you guys, Okay, so check that out too, and follow

a lot of Glazer on Instagram. I can't say it anymore because sweep and bad mothing at all, so I'm just calling an instrument crown instat Glazier. Thanks so much for having me. This is so much fun. Thank you Allana. I always love seeing you. You're always learning always I'm always learning from you. I love you, Chelsea hand Job, I really love you. And if you'd like to get advice from Chelsea and one of her guests, please write into Dear Chelsea Project at gmail dot com