Going to Bed Early with Diane Kruger

copy worm and also clean. I know. I mean, I'm just basically watching washing my Pikachu, my butt and my like under arms, and it doesn't really take that long, but it's just annoying. No one takes quicker showers than I. I did not give a fuck about that. I remember Tiffany Hattish I was once did a show of hers and she was like, why don't white girls wash their legs? And I was like, I don't know, but I don't know. I don't wash my legs and she's like why, She's like,

you have to wash everything. I go, I don't. I just I just feel like the soap goes down from my shampoo and my hair everything falls down. So if I've been out in public and used a public restroom, I will wash the back of my thighs. However, so I washed my butt getting dirty your legs. I washed my butt cheeks and my butt hole because my butt cheeks because I don't want to get any pimples on my butt, you know what I mean. And that's disgusting. I mean, it's not disgusting. It happens, but it is.

It's not pleasant. I don't like when I look at my butt in the mirror and there's like a little red dot. I'm like, oh god, what is that? See? I try to use the natural deodorant. I'm wearing real stuff today, but I'm trying to not get Alzheimer's. But like, I find that my pitts are stinky the second I get out of the shower. I'm like, why don't even bother? They're just always stinky. I find that I only get be a well, No, my bo has definitely gotten worse

as I've aged, but it's still not that bad. But I definitely get it when I drink coffee. I started sweating a meatia when I drink coffee, So I just feel like it's too much of a stimulant for me. You're just all amped up. Yeah, I am amped up. I'm pretty Yeah. I have a lot to be amped up about, namely ozempic. Ozempic. For those of you who are have been living under a rock. Everyone is on ozempic,

is on this weight loss drug. I was taking semi glue tide and I had no idea that is ax empic, and I was wondering why I was nauseated for two weeks straight. But I've been giving a lot of people. I've been giving it to a lot of people. I'm like running a whole thing out of my house because people are it's like a miracle. I mean, people are sick, but they're losing. But it's like it's a diabetes drug, right, Yeah.

And the side effect is it kills your appetite. But the thing is, it's just so unpleasant to be nauseous. I guess you have to find the sweet spot that doesn't make you nauseous and then slowly build it up over time incrementally. But I can't pretend that I have enough weight to lose to be on some sort of weight loss drugs, So I mean, I'm just abusing my

body if I take that. I mean, like rips, You've got your Ben Bruno, like you got your muscles, I know, But imagine if this ozempic just makes me muscular, like if it's a fat burning I have to look up and see if it actually burns fat or if it just kills your appetite, because it does make you feel full faster, like I definitely when I took it, I had more control over myself. And then I lowered my dosage because I want to have an appetite. I just

don't want to go nuts, you know. And then my cousin's on it, but she's taking such a small, small amount that she doesn't even feel the effects of it, and so she's like, my doctor's anantochronologists. She wants me to be very safe and we have to go very slowly. And I was like, come over to my house and I'll give you the proper dosage. So for everyone out there, talk to your doctor or come to my place and

I'll inject you with semi glutade. I have an update, Chelsea from one of our collar Does anybody know that Ben Bruno, my trainer, has gotten a gage. Oh yes, I saw you got engaged to his girlfriend Nicole, who's who's called No Bread. So anybody, anybody who's gluten free or has still act disease or any of that, you should follow her because she has like a lot of great tips on how to eat without ever having anything bad. Yes,

and like recipes and stuff. She's a cute eat And she also has the flattest stomach I think I've ever seen on any woman. I guess that's what happens when you don't have gluten that bloats you, right, because even when I'm my body's banging, I don't have that. I mean, I feel like everybody these days, and it feels like

all the slebs Kim Kardashi and all those people. Sorry I mentioned her name, but everyone's ribs forward, like everything is about the ribs, and everyone's got these very flat stomachs. Right now, have you noticed this trend? Well, it's ozempic asshole. I told you that's the trend. Think that's what it is, Chelsea.

I have an update from a collar. This is from a who wrote in on our Dan Savage episode about she and her husband had just gotten married and they were like not having sex hardly at all, So she says, hi, again, my initial letter probably lacked a lot of key details. At the time, my husband and I weren't living together and we were working completely different schedules. He's a bar tender and I work night. Not living together, Yeah, that is a big that'll kill your sex life. So we

really never sought each other to have sex. When we did see each other for the one night a week we could, there was a lot of pressure on us to have sex, and pressure isn't really that sexy, which, like I hear that he was also going through a tough depression. I did take Chelsea and Dan's advice and just letting go of things and letting things happen more naturally.

It was harder than I thought it would be. I had to sit with the idea that his attraction to me isn't only based on looks, but also on his mood and the larger context that seems obvious. But in order to truly let things go and happen naturally, I had to really wrestle with the idea that his not wanting sex doesn't mean there's something wrong with me or that he doesn't love me. It is of course, still a work in progress, and I'm healing from dealing with

neglect and childhood. We're having significantly more sex now that we're living together, not quite as much as I would like, since we still work opposite schedule, but I'm realizing that we go through cycles in life and especially in marriage, where we're having more sex or less sex, and that's normal. I'm also realizing in talking to friends that not having that much sex in the marriage is actually quite common.

I feel like we hear about husbands badgering their wives for sex all the time, but we don't hear much about wives who want more sex in their marriage. I'm sure that there are plenty of wives who are in the same position. So I hope this helps someone else to Thank you for following up, sincerely, A. I mean, I totally agree. I, for one, usually in our marriage, or at least for the first decade, I was the

one who wanted more sex than he did. And it changes changes from months to month, it changes from year to year. Sometimes you're gonna have like tons of sex or maybe more sporadic sex, but it might be even better sex. But why were they fucking living together as a married couple. I don't understand that. My guess is probably like work related, work related. I don't know what did that mean? She left that information out. Yeah, that's a pretty crucial piece of information, So please include all

the details when you're right againsto teer Chelsea. Okay, we take this ship really seriously. Yes, but also make your emails brief please. Yeah, yeah, exactly, yet to be succinct. And yeah, with all of the details. Listen, I love bullet points, if you send me something with bullet points. I'm just trying to think about all the sex I've had in my life and when there was ever like

a deficit of sex. Yeah, well, I mean when I was in a relationship, I guess because I've never been married, you know, but some men become unfuckable within the relationship, like they do something that is a turn off, you know. Like I remember a long a relationship a long time ago that I was in and we lived together. There was like a period towards the end where he just was so needy, so needy that it was not sexy.

And then I would just pretend that I had a east infection, like almost every week to get out of sucking him and I would just be like, I have another yeast infection, I have this. I mean, I would have used COVID had it been before that, before COVID. But that's another great way to get out of sex in the beginning. It's always great, it's always fun. And obviously that honeymoon period doesn't last. I guess I don't know how long it lasts for I think it's like

a year, yeah, because it's gonna be different for everybody. Yeah, And when people do stuff like I just wish men were aware of the behavior and women of the behavior that makes us not want to have sex with you. Yeah, like really jealous behaviors a turn off, really needy behavior, Like I don't know, does anyone like a needy guy? I don't think so. And it's just it's so obvious when you see it. You see the end of the relationship when someone starts becoming needy and like, oh, like

don't go somewhere without me or don't do this. Yeah, it's like you see the end in sight. Just because it just drives someone away. You just have to like, even if you don't feel it inside, you just gotta be like cock sure, like I'll be here, you do your thing. I'm great. Yeah, I think when you hold onto something too tight, you're always gonna lose it. So

that's the lesson of the day. Yes, I've been meaning to tell you that you're gonna have to get rid of your social media accounts because we're going to combine ours because you're not allowed to have your own anymore. So I've been meaning to tell you. I've been meaning to let you know what I'm what I'm about to do. Yeah, that's a death knell when you see somebody who's like the couple's name is the Facebook account or Instagram account,

you're like controlling Chelsea. I have a question from one of our listeners that's kind of about voting, and I know you've been posting a ton about that lately. Yes, guys, voting. You can vote early and the last day of voting is November eight. If you are not registered to vote, you can still register to vote. It is really really important to be voting, guys. It's complicated and it's a

pain in the ass, and it's worth it. Awesome. So specifically, Tom says, dear Chelsea, I just want to start out by saying I love your podcast. I listened to it every week during my six hour drive to Berkeley from Fort Irwin, California to visit my husband. I'm a tw the eight year old white gay guy in the army, finishing up almost seven years, and I'm trying to be a more responsible voter. I've gotten my past two ballots,

like most military people, absentee. Coming from a conservative household, I was definitely brainwashed in my younger years into that mentality, which obviously goes against my liberal and progressive ideals. I'm trying to vote more responsibly, but I find it difficult to find information on local candidates and smaller races so I know who to vote for. Do you know if any good tools to find out more about people up

for election? Ballot PDA seems to be the biggest one, but it doesn't tell me anything on that person's voting history and stuff like that. Thank you very respectfully, Tom Well, Hi Tom Good questions, because, Yeah, there are a lot of cheat sheets you can use, Like for instance, I used the l A Times cheat sheep. There were a couple of votes I didn't agree with that the l Times had, so I used a progressive cheat sheet too.

There's some progressive outlet. But if you go to that candidate, if you're deciding between two candidates, you can go to that candidate's website and they should have a history of everything that they voted on. If they do not have a history of what they voted on, it's public information. You just have to dig a little deeper and like probably go to the state legislation for California and find

out which candidates you know voted for what. But for anyone in the country, you have to find your progressive liberal cheat sheet. They can't do that. Set support, Yeah, like a voter's guide, and those are easily attained because when I looked it up, like five came up and I was like, oh, I picked the top two that

I know about. Because there's just too many measures on every ballot and the wording is can be very confusing, so they can kind of like, depending on which state you live in, they can trick you into voting for something that you really don't want to be voting for. Yeah. Another recommendation that a friend of mine actually gave me was to go to a local chapter of an organization that you know, share beliefs with. Maybe it's like white people for Black Lives or whatever it is, and ask

them specifically about people in your area. And for those local elections. Yeah, and for this elections specifically, it would probably be any candidate that is pro you know, writes abortion rights. I think that is probably the most important issue on the ballot right now. And go vote. Yep, fucking vote people. You can look if someone votes. If I ever meet a man that wants to have sex with me again that doesn't vote, it's not happening. Just know that because I know there's a ton of straight

men listening. Oh you guys, I'm performing this weekend in Tucson Saturday night and uh Colorado Springs, Colorado Sunday night. Yes, tickets are still available for both shows. So bye some okay bye. I'm excited about our guest today because I haven't spoken to her in a long time and she's a great actress. She's beautiful. I love watching her and her lover and their baby. You can see how much motherhood has changed her if you follow her on Instagram.

She has a new book coming out, a baby book called A Name from the Sky, and she's a new move called Marlow that's also coming out. So say Hello to Diane Krueger. Hi, Hi alright, baby cakes, Hi are you? Oh my god? I love you. I'm so happy to see that beautiful face. Tom me too. It's been so long. I know, I haven't seen you since when I was last time I saw you. Let me think, let me jog my memory. I feel like I always see you at Vanity Fair every year, or at the Chateau Marmont.

I think we were once having a conversation at the Chateau Marmont, bitching about our respective boyfriends at the time. It's very like, where are you. I am in New York right now. I want to tell you that I follow you on Instagram and I have been so moved by you having a baby and your reaction and just how I can feel the love that you have for being a mother and being in like a great healthy relationship and watching you with your daughter. It's just so sweet.

It's really heartwarming. And I don't really appreciate children, so that's saying a lot well coming from you. Then, Yeah, you know, Chelsea, it's like it's I never thought I wanted kids to be honest. For a long time, I didn't think so. And Nova was a surprise, and it's just so amazing how life can be. She came at the least expected but yet most wanted time in my life. Really changed my life in the best possible way. That's sweet. So you weren't planning on having a baby. I didn't

know that. Yeah, no, I mean, you know, it's it crossed my mind, and then you know, I was like, oh, it's it's done. I'm too old, you know, it's not going to happen. And it did. Well good. I'm glad that it happened for you, because I you you also just wrote a children's book based on probably becoming a mother, I would presume, right, Well, the book is a little

bit about my childhood. So what happened was I was in l A working and my mom from Germany was in town to help me with Nova, and she was both one, and you know, the world shut down and weeks turned into months, and I hadn't spent this much time with my mom since I was probably sixteen, because I moved out so young, and so we you know, started talking about my childhood and stuff I had forgotten and remembered fondly with her, and I remember that she told me the meaning of my name because I was

really teased for my name, which seems incordible because it's Diane. It's not that unusual, but where I'm from, it was. And she really did change my life because it made she made me feel special. And I'm named after Diane, the goddess of Hunt. And I was a very odd kid. I didn't have many friends. My best friend was my pet bunny Benny, who was a real buddy who would come to school with me on a leash every day,

and so kids thought I was crazy. And I loved to read, and my best friends with the characters in my books. So I felt very unseen. And she changed my life that way by explaining to you the meaning of your name. Yeah, I just felt like, what could be so special about me? You know, a little for me? Could I be ever im as powerful as this god is? And could my life have a destiny in a way

that was different and special? And so when you know Nova was born, I remember we were thinking so hard about how to name her, and I just started writing it down and that's kind of how it happened. I found an editor, and I mean it's been two years in the making. Wow, So how is your relationship changed with your own mom. Since you've had a child, has it changed, It's changed a lot. I finally understand I'm conditional love. You know. I think I moved out very young.

I had a very complicated situation, family situation at home, so my mom kind of lost out of all the good years. I guess you get with your daughter, you know, when you become friends and things are not so hard anymore. And you know, I never really came home after I moved out, and so my daughter brought us back together because I I didn't know that my mom would step up as such a great grand parent. You know, she

really is here when I need her. It makes me feel so much better about going to work, you know, not having her being raised by nanny's when I'm away, and just seeing her kindness. It's just really been a watership moment for me. Um. You know, we still have our differences, of course, but I find myself to be

much kinder these days. Yeah. Yeah, So when you moved at sixteen, where did you go Paris to start modeling, acting exactly modeling Yeah yeah, yeah yeah, and then New York at eighteen, and you know, back and forth, so you speak French, German, English, anything else. No, that's it. And are you teaching your daughter? Are do you? You

speak to her in French and German as well? Not so much in French, even though you know, we live in Paris right now for a year as a family, just for work reasons, and she's going to school there as well, French English bilingual school, and she's going to a German school once a week, so hopefully she'll get it.

Oh cute, I love that. Yeah, I know. I've been trying to learn Spanish for about seven years, so I mean the real key ingredient to everybody is to fucking learn it as a baby so you don't have to learn it as an adult because we should all know multiple languages. And I'm sick of my I have my first Spanish class tomorrow. By the way, I'm really she does pretty well. I came back from Spain. We were in my Orca for a month. That I came back.

I told my housekeeper, I'm like, listen, don't speak anything but Spanish. We're only speaking Spanish from now and I need to level up. And I mean it's really limiting her. Yeah, I haven't understand the word. She's said since our return, so it's really limiting our conversation. But also talk to me about you and Norman. You're not married, right, No, not yet? You got engaged. Oh you did? Congratulations, Thank you.

He's a cute I love Norman. I met him once, I did an interview with him, and I liked him a lot. So I was very happy to find out about you guys getting together because you seem like a great hair and I know that you've been in you had a lot, a couple of relationships prior to that and longer ones. So talk to us a little bit about how you're life has changed by being in this relationship and how you know you've grown. You know, I

think that I'm much more my own person. I don't tend to I mean, that might sound really dark, but you know, I hope things will work out with Norman, will always be together, but I've kind of grown into being more independent, you know, being hopefully actually a better partner, you know, where I let him do his thing, support him and what he wants to do, but reserve the

rights that I want the same for myself. And I'm trying to really live the life of a good family where we model to our child that it's okay to be absent, it's okay to work, but it's the most important thing is to be a family and uphold those traditions. And I really want to show up and I need him to show up, you know. Yeah. I I feel like as we get how old are you, Diane, and oh you are okay, we're almost the same age on

forty seven. I feel like as we get into our forties, you hear that a lot, that you come into your own and off. But it's like very true about the maturity level that used to be a dirty word to me. Like when people said, you know, you have to be more mature, grow up, I'd be like, I don't ever want to grow up. I always want to be like this, you know. I want to be like crazy and and and spontaneous. And I kind of confused what mature is,

you know. And now that I'm at this age, it's so nice to handle things with a level of maturation. Sometimes in many instances for the first time, even ending relationships or having difficult conversations are just so much more mature and less dramatic because yes, yes, like the drama and the thirst for drama that I experienced when I was younger. I always regretted it. I always regretted the way I would handle things or end things, whether it

be a romantic relationship or a friendship. And there's a very calm, knowing nous that comes after forty especially after forty five, And I can't wait to see what happens because I don't really want to get any more mature than this. You know what I mean this, I feel them in my sweet spot and that I have accountability and I can listen to differing opinions and then actually be like oh, instead of being fixed on my opinion, Whereas I was like that in my thirties. I thought

I knew everything and you couldn't tell me differently. I like the idea of being able to change your opinions now I agree. I mean, there are things I don't know about you, but I accepted a lot of things in previous relationships that I just wouldn't anymore. Not because they they were bad people, whatever. They make me do things that I didn't want to do, But I just know I'm not going to be happy with certain criterias. I'm not meant, you know what I'm saying. So I

won't settle for less if that makes sense. Yeah, absolutely, that's how I feel too. It's like there's a level of standard, you know, like there's a standard now that you have to be above that line. And it's nice to know that about yourself without questioning it. Like I remember being in my thirties always asking everybody about their opinion about everything, and now I just ask few and

fewer people because I don't care what everybody thinks. It's like, you know what you think, and you know what your opinions are. You ask yourself. Yeah, and there's a nice that's a great feeling as a woman to be like, no, I know what the right thing to do here is and not relying on other people for their interference anyway. Okay, so we're gonna we're taking calls people zoom in. They ask us really fucking serious questions. So get ready to Diane. Okay,

we're giving them life advice. Oh oh god. All right, Before we do that, we're gonna take a really quick break, and we're gonna take a quick break and we're gonna be right back and we're back fantastic. Well, we're back with Chelsea and Diane Krueger. This first email actually fits right in with what you were talking about just now. So this first email comes from tired Mama. You're Chelsea. I'm a mom of two young boys and also work

a full time job as a heavy equipment operator. I'm a shift worker, which means I work days and nights twelve hour shifts and often work overtime. I'm trying to get ahead financially and contribute to providing for my family. My husband works full time as well the same schedule and also has done his fair share of overtime while

I was on maternity leave. My issue is I often feel guilty taking time for myself in regards to self care, massage, chiropractic, acupuncture, and yoga because I'm working so much, so in doing any of those things, I have less time available to spend with my kids. After every shift, my body aches. I'm so sorry, yet I forced myself to work more overtime. My husband has made comments in the past about me,

quote not making my kids a priority. When I had a babysitter lined up so I could play softball, I was only able to make it three games last summer. I'm not allowed to mention anything about my hobbies or passions because I just don't have time to pursue them. I can't even say anything negative about my husband, as he's a great dad and rarely takes any time for himself either. He believes that work is the only time he can handle being away from his kids and wants

to spend all of his free time with them. It's one of the things that I love most about him, but it's also causing tension and resentment in our relationship. How do I go about creating a healthy work life balance that won't give me major mom guilt? Signed another tired guilty mama. Oh, it's so hard to be a parent so much work? Well, that sounds tough. I mean it is tough and the best of times, and that

sounds like a really tough situation. Yeah, I would say, first of all, just because he wants to be with his kids all the time, that's great. Obviously, that's a great quality. But you're not the same person, and you have different brains and different genetic makeups and different needs and different wants. And if you sit down and explain to him that and that this will help you be a better parent at home, It's like putting that oxygen mask on yourself before you put it on anyone else.

It's like, you have to take care of yourself, especially when you're working at like you know, manual label. Yeah, absolutely, Like that's not easy on your body. So it's not even just for that, it's for your own health and longevity an ability to work those extra hours. And I know that you said that you need the money and and it's a financial situation. But if there's any chance that you don't have to work extra hard, like, please don't.

I understand if you need to do it, you've got to do it, but if you don't, it's like that's giving yourself the gift of time as well. Everybody needs to recuperate and rest from whatever they do. So I would really advise sitting down with your husband and just

laying it all out. Please don't make me feel guilty for taking care of myself and explain, you know, in the sweetest way, like what this job does to you physically, and figure out a solution between the two of you that it feels like a compromise because it can't just be black or white, like you've got to have a little bit you know, He's got to give you something that you can do in your spare time to kind of recoup, whether it's a massage or you go and

play softball or whatever. Yeah, I think in this case, it would come down to having a conversation with your husband about this is what I need from this relationship and this family, and this is what you need and want from this relationship. So as partners, how can we decide, Okay, this X amount of time per week you a lot

from my self care. Whatever I want to do in that time doesn't matter if I want to go softball or I want to go to take a massage, but these two hours per week with three hours per week are for me, and then decide which ones are for him so that he doesn't feel guilty, right, so, and then stick to that. But there's really I totally get where she's coming from, that guilt. I mean, I feel it when I'm making a movie and it's you know, fourteen hour days and I don't see her for you know,

and I'm double shifting and she's crying. It's it's it's tough, But partnership is really maybe she has family, maybe a family to help out every once in a long you know. Yeah, I love that you said that you have your mom come and help with Nova, and that she's a resource for you and having her have that extra time with

her Grandma's probably amazing. And the other thing I would say is, you know, if there's not family in the area and you can't afford a babysitter, find a friend who's got kids around the same age and do that for a each other. So you know, Tuesdays will watch your kids for a few hours. Thursdays you watch our kids for a few hours, so you have that time. And the other thing too, is you do need time

to reconnect with your husband. Like, if you guys are going to have a partnership that can withstand raising kids and long hours and all that stuff, you have to set aside a little bit of time for each other as well, even if it's just a little bit each week or you know, a small amount of time every night. Yeah. Absolutely,

I mean, this isn't a huge problem. It's just something that you should It's actually a good way to like practice problem solving within your marriage when things come up, because your husband sounds awesome and there's no way when you talk to him in a real way about how you're feeling. That he won't be responsive to that. You know, he just has to hear it more specifically from you in a more measured kind of way, without the children around,

without any distractions. So yes, have that conversation, and yes, and we wish you well and please keep us posted. Yes. Our next question comes from Paul Att. She'sa is dear Chelsea. I met my husband almost nine years ago at a work conference. We met, fell in love, and I moved to Quebec to become a stepmom and we married all another two years now. We have eighteen year old twins and a twenty year old, all living at home two weeks on, two weeks off and not pulling their weight.

The oldest is working and going to school. The twins are working but not going to school. Their bond with their dad is tight and they prefer to be at our house all the time. I understand because we live on the water with all the water sports toys available to them. But I'm a fifty three year old woman who was raised apart from my siblings, have never had a roommate and lived most of my adult life alone

in my own house. Moving to Quebec, I was thrust into disorder and immediately put on the hat of a stepmom, a short order chef, cleaning lady, laundress, taxi driver, et cetera. At first it was new and I had the energy for it. But now, as a step parent of adult kids, I want my clean, orderly alone time at least a couple of days a week. My husband doesn't understand or agree. Am I being unreasonable? Thank you for your time, paul At. I think the theme today is women need to be alone.

You need alone time. Why don't you guys get about this? And when we were having our our pre interview, call poor paul At like she's she was outside taking some time to have this conversation with me, and literally in the span of five minutes she got interrupted like three times. I was like, you're not It's true, Hi, Paulat, Hi, Hi, Hi, Thanks for having me. Yeah, our pleasure. Diane is our special guest today. So wait, wait, wait, she she's actually

a mother. Actually, Diane, you go first, being that you are the only mother in this room besides Paula. Well listen, I'm I don't consider herself a step mom, but my better half has a twenty three year old. He doesn't live with us, But I would say, and this is just me, so call me mean spirited, but I one agree with you. It is your house, it is your rules. I think if you do suck it up and you are an excellent mom to these kids or your stepmom taking them to work or whatever they're doing, they and

twenty they need to clean their ship up. Are you teaching my four year old to clean up one? Yeah? I don't think that it gets in the easier. I think that with my husband's kids, they were a lot better when they were younger, like listening and cleaning up and stuff, and they've kind of gotten to the point where they know everything, you know, and so even though they want to be treated like adults, they don't necessarily want to, like, you know, pay for them on house

paper or clothes, you know, stuff like that. So it's kind of what's your husband's take on the situation. My husband, he's very giving, He's a very very he's a giver. He would just keep on giving, giving, giving. I believe I think that he pulls back because he sees how it text me. So he's he is being a little bit respectful. There's a lot of times where he's like, what's the big deal? You know, But it's a big deal because it affects me inside. It affects me how

my you know, how my days go. And so I guess I I kind of feel a little bit. I'm a little bit desserting of the children and there development because I do need that alone time. So I don't know how it affects them, and I'm kind of concerned with that too. Well, you have you had a conversation

with your husband about this. I have, But there goes a long period time where he's very understanding and then something happens, Like the most recent thing is my husband he his oldest son wanted to have his girlfriends spending the night. They've been dating together for a couple of months, and I said, you know, I wasn't really ready for that. He hasn't really been participating in the house. You know, let's have a game plan, let's not do that, let's

not agree to this now. And then the son helps him out with a couple of things around the house, and then all of a sudden, you know, it just changes and he's like, oh yeah, so, by the way, the girlfriend is spending night tonight I'm like, oh, yeah, yeah, he's got to talk to you about that stuff. But that's not almost like inviting another roommate. Yeah and yeah, and that's not going to happen. No. But also that's not a good partner, right, he can't make those decisions

without you. I think you can only be in a partnership if you get from it what you need, right. And he I understand that he wants to be a good dad, and he's you know, he's the father of these children, so I'm sure there's guilt of having a divorce and whatever else is going on in his head and being wanting to be a fun dad and all that stuff. I would suggest writing down your needs and

an ideal world what needs to happen. And then even if you want to write a dog is sometimes they feel like emails or like a written thing is easier to digest than talking face to face at first, right, because you don't have an emotion, you don't have to

react to it with the other person. And then one solution I could already see is that you say to him, Okay, like one day a week, two days a week, I really need my alone time, So I need you, I need you to schedule time with your children, take them to the park, take them to I don't know, in the city, movies, whatever. But I need the house for myself from eight to six. I don't need see any of you. And then you know, he needs to do that to make you happy, because otherwise, I mean, that's

not fair on you. It's not a partnership. Yeah, I agree, Paula. You had also mentioned there's a bit of a language barrier because the kids are friends speaking and you're in right, Yeah, so they're they're English is a lot better now since you know, I've known them for like eight years, but my French is not as good. But there is still that. So I think that kind of affected that the beginning or the forming of the relationship because they wouldn't come to me for a lot of things. You know, um,

they would come to me where's my dad? But that was kind about it. So yeah, that's definitely, well, that's the perfect you can use that as a scapegoat, like obviously we've got our signals crossed here. I agree with Diane. I always think it's better to write something down before you say it. But I think a good family meeting is in order because people respect boundaries. They don't like it hearing it at first, but ultimately it's proven that

people understand. Once you've set a boundary, people understand that they need to respect that, you know what I mean, And then that instills more respect in them. And you can say it like you know that it was a language barrier, and maybe you didn't make yourself clear, but there's no reason they shouldn't be cleaning up after themselves

in your house. There's no reason. I had in a situation like that with my family and all my nieces and nephews one summer, and I had to write the whole family a letter about what the normal things to do and respectful things to do as teenagers, Like you don't get to leave your dishes out, you don't get to leave your laundry out. You're not their cleaning lady. You're their stepmother, and you're a human being who needs her own space. And you know you didn't have children.

You're happy to have these people in your life and you love them, I'm sure, but this was a situation that you came into. So to have them think about that and understand that a little bit better, and that you're an individual who needs your own private situation going on and you're alone time, thank you. I also think like there might be a conversation about what age is the right age to start paying rent, and maybe that rent just goes towards a cleaning lady who comes once

week and I can clean up after their messes. But I also find if moving out as kind of the goal at some point, eventually charging a twentysomething rent is a good way to help them move that direction strategy. Yeah, yeah, it's hard. And then you know, one of the when the sense, they'll send us like a picture of a bike that he wants to buy, and I'm like, three months rent right there? What are you doing? So did you say the twenty year old lives with you? Two?

All three of them? Oh yeah, yeah, they should trans start transitioning out of that. But that's something you can talk to with your husband for you bring that up, because let's ease into this conversation so that you get good results, right, so that they're responsive, because who can

argue with a conversation about cleaning up after yourself. It's not a really arguable vantage point, you know, right, And I love the idea of you know, as Diane said, like writing down those dates and times like this is when I have the house to myself, you guys go out and like that's a non negotiable. Yeah. I like

that because it gives me a control about too. I think that that's a lot of what I'm missing, is like some kind of control in my life, and to be able to expect when you're going to have the house to yourself, you know, setting that expectation of like, okay, this is my time exactly. Well, thank you, Yeah, thanks for calling in, Paula. Good luck with everything. Thanks, I appreciate it. Have a great line to take care. Bye. Thanks, I an bye. I wouldn't be down with any eighteen

year olds living with me under any circumstance. They could visit, and that's an even visiting can't go on forever, you know what I mean. I'm not down with that, like ongoing. I love being alone. I can't even tell you. I mean I can. I could go on and on about it. It's just so nice. I just love sleeping alone, you know. I mean not that I would do I do I do.

I mean only just because I'm fresh out of a relationship where I slept with somebody every night, and I like my dogs in my bed, and I like to like I just like I like to be alone in bed. You're a good sleeper too, and I love sleeping. I fucking love to sleep. I mean I could sleep for like ten hours. So yeah, yeah, that is a problem. It is definitely the ongoing dispute in our family too, because I like to go to bed early because I have to get up early, and my better half does not,

so he's a night owl. Yeah, and he doesn't get up to to go to school. I do you know what time do you like to go to bed, Diane? Oh my god, if I could, I'm not kidding, you know. She's in bed by nine. I'm sucking exhausted. I'd like, I'd like wanted down half a bottle of wine and just pass out. Oh yeah, yeah, I'm with you, and I don't have a baby, so I can't even imagine how exhausting it must be. I mean, if I could go to bed at eight and feel like I could

tell that to people, I would be doing that. Sometimes I stay out just in case somebody asked me what time I went to bed, and I don't want to sound It's like an asshole that I went to bed at eight o'clock. Last night. We were at dinner. I know, I was at dinner with two girlfriends and I was like, okay, we had dinner at seven thirty. At nine thirty probably, I'm like, okay, I have to get home. I have

to be in best by ten. And they're like, oh my god, You're so ridiculous, and I'm like, no, I'm not. I love it. I love sleeping, but that's I mean, it's a good thing to know about yourself, so you can just be like, I'm in a piece out now, especially when I'm in a great hotel. I also love that that coziness with the nice sheets and the nice pillows. Yeah. Now they have this new thing where you can I

forget what it's called. Ben Bruno was telling me about it this morning at my workout, like a temperature mattress where you can adjust the temperature. Yeah, I need to get one of those, because no, you can either get the mattress or you can get the top of a mattress. It's called something. I'll find out the name of it. Do you like to sleep in a freezing bedroom? Or sixty degrees? Is what my preference, and which is difficult

because most men don't. I once had a boyfriend who wore a scarf every night because he was like, it's so fucking cold in here, I'm gonna catch pneumonia, and I love sleeping in an ice box. Dude, you're a Norman. Are the same? I fucking hate it really well, you're Europeans. Europeans don't like the cold at night. No, that's not Yeah, it's in your blood. No, but there's cold, and there's sixty five ice block, like you know, No, it's cold

while you're under the covers. No, that's crazy. Did you guys just moved to l A or No, we've sold our house and l are actually in New York. We live in New York, but in Paris for a year. Oh I thought I read something that you went to a table read in Norman bought you guys a house without you know, he did? He did, which is fun. So we were there. We were there during during the pandemic, which was great with a kid and everything. But then, uh, yeah, we're just not l A people. I think I can

hear you. I'm I would like a real good excuse to move to New York because I'm over all, like I will, We'll have to do remote. Yeah, I'm over LA. I find l A to be whenever I'm gone. I mean, I'm not here a lot because I'm usually on tour. I travel a lot. I spend my winter skiing and Whistler. But when i come back after being home for like two weeks, I'm just like, I gotta get the funk out of here. It's just too much. It's too stupid this town, it's too thulous. Are you in the city

or where are you? What time? Yeah? Well right now. Unfortunately I'm in Beverly Hills because I'm in a rental and I'm building a house in Brentwood, which will be done in the winter time, and that'll be nice because that's more private. I just don't like the pressure of going out all the time in l A. When people know you're around, you kind of feel obligated to show up to things. I hate that. I want to do what I want to do, you know, I'm a little bit selfish that way. That's why I leave town for

months at a time. Okay, who do we have next? Well, our next color is Rachel, she says. Dear Chelsea I've lived my entire life in a ten hour segment of I five between California and Oregon, and I find myself dreaming daily about life beyond such a small bit of the world. My husband loves where we live. What's a ten hour segment? What does that mean like within a ten hour drive? I know, it's just just sort of

an artful way of describing it. My husband loves where we live, surrounded by friends and family, good reliable work, the perfect home. But I want to create more experiences for us. He says he's interested too, but I also hear him saying regularly how much he loves living where we do, having weekly game nights, pickleball games, and more. It hurts my heart to think about taking him away from all that, but my heart also aches for a

life beyond southern Oregon. I want to experience several different lives, study abroad by getting my PhD, and planned last minute weekend train trips to new countries. That said, I struggle with high anxiety, so I'm quite understanding that the dream of mine might be short lived. We might go abroad, and then I decide that's not what I thought it would be, and hate it. And we're back within six months. I'm so torn. I don't know what to do or

where to start. Any ideas are greatly welcomed. Rachel and Nathan. Oh my god, we have our first couple. I love this. I did like couple's counseling for years. Hi, I was fabulous. Hi, thank you for having us. Yeah, Diane Krueger's our special

guest today. And you know already, well are you all? Catherine? Likewise, well, so you know you mentioned also Rachel that like you have a little bit of anxiety of like if you do go abroad or you do go study somewhere else, then you know Nathan is going to have a lot of free time and be going to make friends and everything, and tell us a little bit about that. Yes, I am quite a little bundle of anxiety. And when we talk about the potential of going abroad and moving abroad,

Nathan's brought up I'm an invert. I'm happy every night at home reading with that don't want to do. And he's like, oh, I I can just find friends. I'll find places to go play board games if people hang out with and as he says that, and I say, absolutely, my anxiety is like, but will I be comfortable with that?

And I don't know if I will feel safe if I'm home alone and you're out in the world and it's a world I don't know, I'm not comfortable with, And I just worry that, like, if I can't do that for him, would that version of us being abroad be okay with him? I'd be enough for him if it's just me at home and not let with me not letting him be out. And then I feel bad about that too if that's the reality of it. So it is that only that's okay? Is the only option

moving abroad? Like what about moving somewhere within the country, so it's not such a big leak? Is that an option? Yeah? I think so, yes, I want to do it all. So I sawing Halter. I had this moment where I realized I've only lived in a ten hour window by five my entire life, and he's only lived in like a four hour window. And so I'm like, the world's too big. I need to experience at all. I want to know what it's like to level the East Coast.

But then all so abroad and I see pictures of all these different countries and I don't just get this feeling of like how fun it would be. I have a guttural like I need to be either, I need to experience it. But why why, I like, pack up and leave your old life behind? Can you not go for a month in an airbnb in Italy and just live there for a months if you like it? I would love to try that. Yeah, I mean, I wouldn't give up my house before I knew I really liked Rome.

That seems you know what I mean? Yeah, I totally agree. I like having something to fall back on and I feel more comfortable. I think we have a good a good life here in Oregon. And yeah, that's I think where some of the anxiety for me is coming from is if we just like packed up and moved away without knowing what reality would really look like. Yeah, I

think that's reasonable to have anxiety about that. Do you have a place in mind, like are you obsessed with going to live in a certain part of the world or is it just anywhere? I like the did like getting my PhD a rod and then we're stable and we're in one space, and then we could wake up on the weekend and be like, let's take a train trip into who knows where. And then the other part of me loves kind of the nomadic lifestyle of like being three weeks in one town or country and then

just picking up and going to another one. And I don't want to sell the home because I want to have a place to come back to. I want to InCor and knowing if it doesn't work out. Nathan's really analytical. He he likes ask the why, and I'm like, why not, you know, And so we're kind of in a different area, I think, with meeting in the middle. And I think the other thing that worries me is at the end of the day, he says, I would do anything for you, whatever brings you joy in life. I want to do

that and make that happen for you. But then I also worry if I'm affecting his happiness. I don't want to do that, and I don't want to be selfish, and I don't know where that line is for both of us to be happy. But you don't. You don't know until you go there. That's like, that's like saying, what if the world ends next week and I haven't tacked up my pictures. I mean, it's just like it's like you don't know until you do it. You just

gotta jump the ship. Don't sell your house, go for a month long vacation, see what it's like, look at the universities. I don't know. Whatever you want to do, come home, go to Paris on Christmas for two weeks and see if if you guys love it. I feel like it's a waste of time to talk about what could be. Yeah, you're not doing it. You're living in your anxiety I think a little bit too much, like you're worried about all of these things that you'll never

know unless you take a leap of faith. And as long as you guys who seem really solid, like you have a solid relationship and a solid foundation, as long as you guys commit to each other that you're going to do this as an experiment and you're gonna go look at schools and you're going to spend a month in some part of Italy or France or England or whatever whatever floats your boat. Just do it and commit to doing it together and seeing and having an open

communication about it the whole time. When you find someplace that you love and that you love that you feel like you long, you're gonna know immediately you're both going to feel it, you know what I mean. So it's like you can't answer that question before you take that leap of faith. You know, you have to trust the process, trust the unknown, and trust the universe is going to show up for you in a way where you're going to be somewhere and you're gonna go, oh my god.

It could be Amsterdam, you guys could be like, holy shit, this is where we belong. This is where I see myself living for the next five years. And then you can come back and sell your house and take care of that. But yeah, you definitely want to go experiment. You know, are you financially able to do that? You guys, Yeah, yeah, we we are financially. It's just getting that time off

from work can be tricky. We both have jobs, and you know, they've been fine with us taking a week or two, but if it was a little bit longer and be a little bit more of a conversation, yeah, and you know, I think that's a conversation that's worth having.

My younger brother, this is pre pandemic. He and his wife got married and they wanted to go travel, so they set up a time that was like six months that they want to travel South America, and his work initially was like, Nope, we don't do work from home. We don't do remote no way. And he kind of kept after it and they were like, all right, if you create a proposal about what that would look like, what you're hours would look like, what the relationship to

the business looks like. He did. He created this whole proposal and it then became the work from home manual for the entire company. So, and of course there's so many things you can do from anywhere these days. Maybe that's maybe not the line of work that you're in, but there might be other options as well. But yeah, if you can't afford to like just have your house empty,

you can always think about airbn being it. You could rent it out and you know, even if that is for a month, like Diane said, or when you find the right place for six months or for a year, so you sort of always know there's that place to come home to if and when you need it. That

would be a great idea. Yeah, and if you can work from Italy or wherever you guys, just I we've already decided you're going to Italy apparently, but if you could work, if you could work from somewhere, you know, even if it's like, Okay, we're gonna take two weeks off, in the other two weeks, I'm gonna be available. You know. Obviously it's a different time zone and different and there's a big time difference, but still, like, I'm sure there's

ways around it. If you guys are intent on doing this, which you seem to be, and be honest with them, you know, this is your wife's desires to go look at master programs or whatever and and just be available for whatever compromise you can make work wise. Yeah. I also think I'm working about getting Italian citizenship through bloodline,

and that won't happen for a couple of years. So he makes him like great, whenever it happens, we can talk about this, like they'll let's go now, like we're not probably tomorrow, let's do some version of this now. And I think I'm very like we'll start dipping your toe in that water. Yeah. Absolutely. I just got my German citizenship because my mother is German, and it took me two and a half years to get it. F

y I but she's been traveling. But and I was paying somebody to do this for me, and it took a long time. So don't wait for that, you know what I mean. The other thing I think you have to look at is, you know, obviously, Rachel, you've got this amazing guy. He's like, whatever you want to do, whatever makes you happy, let's go do it. He loves you.

So I think one thing you need to examine is what's coming up for you and makes you feel so scared and emotional about, Like if you want to stay home with a book and he wants to go to a cafe and meet people and you know, go to a meetup group. It doesn't mean that you're not enough for him. He loves you exactly the way you are. He loves that you're staying home to read a book and like have a cozy time. But he is also going to need you know that outside stimulation. But outlets.

We all need our own outlets, and they're not always We don't share outlets. Just like you can't use the same outlet in France that you use in America. We all we all don't have the same outlets. What I need to do is different than what my partner is going to want to do, you know, and it's also

nice to be like, cool, go do that, I'll be here. Yeah, it's very liberating, Like Dianne was just talking about that earlier, like getting to the level and your relationship and a maturity level where you're not threatened by somebody going and doing their own thing because there's a trust and a foundation that has been built, and it's good for people to go and do their own thing. It's good for

people to have hobbies. If you didn't want to go play pickleball or join these things, that would be weird, like it's it's it's more dynamic for you both to have individual aspects of yourself that you don't necessarily share all the time. I have want of this and agree. My concern is more if I'm gonna be too scared

to have him out in the world like that. Anxiety pieces my my huge and guides about safety, and I worry like even like last night he was out playing soccer and I was like, oh, no, training, you got in a car crash. And so that's something I've been working out pretenders by therapist. Yes, So if I worried about going out and then I don't want them to go out. Yeah, if I take away that little joy like, I don't know, I just well, I think once you practice,

have you made any progress? Look? Yeah, therapies for everyone, just net way. Yeah, So I would just add that Rachel doesn't stop me from going out. She just has these feelings she sort of deals with while I'm out, and some anxiety there. But she's not like campering my life and like locking me change at home all the time. So and do you check in with her a lot to ameliorate any of her fears. Yes, yeah, we except for when I forget too and then that's been an issue.

But yes, we we try. We have a whole texting routine when I'm out and not at home. So I have a girlfriend like that. She freaks out when her husband goes on bike rides. He goes every Sunday morning, and she every Sunday morning, She's like, what if something happened? What if something happened? And I'm like, what what is this? I had never seen? I'm like, what do you mean what? He's on a fucking bike ride when he goes every Sunday, She's like, but every Sunday it happens so it's like

this pathology that exists. So I know that what you're talking about is prevalent or exists. But yeah, the more you let him go out, does that help you with dealing with it? Yeah? And I think it's the idea whereas I know, once I'm there, I can see like, oh, the world feels normal and safe here. I don't know what I'm scared about, but I just need to get there, you know, to that point, and to physically be in that space and recognize like this is a very normal space.

How funny that I want to not join you in do my own thing and I don't worry about it. But that's also in theory. So yeah, you have to stop. You have to stop projecting all of your fears. I mean, a good exercise. It's just to stop, Like when you're gonna say it out loud, don't you have to say the opposite and internalize it to yourself, like, this is not a real fear. This is something that I have going on in my narrative that's speaking to me. It's that voice in the back of my head that's not

the real you. And you have to separate those two things. We have the real us, and then we have that voice, and that voice is just oh, he's trying to get into us, you know, So you can exert control and power over this situation by knowing that you're stronger than

that voice. Yeah, that was a real game changer for me recently, was your thoughts just because they pop into her and are not always true, And sometimes you can have that like overarching like all right, my brain wants to tell me that this is a scary, frightening thing that my husband's like going out and having a good time with, you know, with our friends or with whoever he might be unsafe, maybe he meets somebody likes better than me, whatever. But also the reminding yourself like that's

just a thought that's popping into my head. It doesn't make it true. Yeah, I really like the word used narrative. I think like that's the narrative I'm telling myself, and that's like that's so easily skewed, and like I can

rewrite that narrative and take control of it. Or yeah, and when he's out, you can switch the flip the dialogue, like Nathan's safe right now, Nathan's having a good time right now, Nathan's playing pickleball right now, and you keep repeating that, and like the vibe will change event sally. It will take time, but you've already been in therapy about it. So it's just a matter of really just shifting your thinking, you know, and remembering that you are

in charge of your thoughts and your emotions and your actions. Sorry, I shouldn't say you're in charge of your thoughts, because what you just said is true. We have thoughts that pop into our head all the time. It's like when my mom my sister had her baby, she goes, all I can think about is dropping my baby. All I can think about is dropping my baby, and it's like she can't control that coming into her head. But she had to understand she's not going to drop her baby.

Like she's not gonna do that. You know. It's like irrational thoughts. So yeah, as long as you can try to frame them, I think you'll be fine. And yeah, go on that vacation. You guys have a great marriage. Go like, experience it, take a bunch of risks and see where you land. You may go and be like I don't want to live anywhere other than Oregon. You never know, Yeah, I would be so upset if I let my fears about what what ifs take away the possibility of living abroad and or other states and just

having that adventure together. So well, I want your next amount to us to be from Italy. I would love that we went tony dated. I can't stop thinking about it still, So okay, Okay, Well have fun you guys, keep us posted. Thank you so much, Dianne. That was especially to Chelsea Catherine. Thank you so much. Hi guys, thank you all for joining us by a lot of domestic issues today. Girls. Well, let's take a quick break and we'll be right back to wrap up with Diana

and Chelsea. Okay, and we're back with Diane Krueger. We're going to wrap up our episode. Yes, and Diane, do you have any advice you'd like from Chelsea? Oh my god, Chelsea, just tell me how to live. I follow you on Instagram and your life seems like a rock star. I just want to be you. Well, you had a baby,

so parties, parties over, parties over. You made your bed and now you have to lie in it for eighteen years or if you're or if you're those kids from that other marriage until their twenty but I'm sure as your mother. I'm sure as a mother, you probably even the thought of your kids leaving, especially a daughter, is so terrifying to even think that there's a day that she's gonna want to go to college or leave home terrifying. I want her to be changed. I make her say,

I'm going to stay with you. You know that book I Love You Whoever like? It's the children's book, and it's about this kid growing up right, And it's about the mother coming into the room every night and when the kids asleep, and she holds them and she sings from the songs saying I love you forever. I like you for always, as long as I'm living, my baby, you'll be And I like make her repeat it all

the time so that she won't. At one point, the mother grows old and the kid moves across town and basically she then dies, and I make her say to me that she will never move across town. That's funny. A new book is called A Name from the Sky. By the way, it's a great children's book. Great Christmas gift for everybody who needs to get little kids some presents. I'm going to get a bunch of my friends that all have babies, and congratulations on that, and and congratulations

on being a happy camper these days. Sister, Thank you, I thank you so much. It was so lovely to talk to you guys to psychwise. Nice to meet you. Have a great day. Bye bye bye. So I'm winding up my stand up tour. Vaccinated and Horning is coming to a screeching halt at the end of the year. I have my last dates coming up, and these are

the last opportunities. You have to also buy merch from the website Chelsea Handler dot com if you want Vaccinating and Horning merch or Captain's hats that say We're the Captain's now for women only, our t shirts for men and your family that say I'm sorry because they should be. I only have a few dates left. I'm going to Tucson, Arizona.

November five is Tucson, November six is Colorado Springs, and then Rockford, Illinois, Minneapolis, Rosemont, Illinois, two shows in Tampa, a show in Fort Myers, Florida, Daytona Beach, Hollywood, Florida, Concord, New Hampshire, Wooster, Mass wilkes Berry, Pennsylvania, wilkes Berry Pennsylvania there I said it, and then San Diego and Riverside, California, and then Baltimore, Maryland, and then my very last date is December six in Reading, Pennsylvania. So this will be

the last of me performing listeners. If you are enjoying what you're hearing, you can subscribe to Dear Chelsea. That is our podcast, and you can rate us if you want. Yeah, that's a great idea. It actually makes a huge difference for this podcast, for any podcast that you like, Subscribing giving it a rating actually make a huge difference in who all we get served too, and helping spread the word. Okay, yeah, yeah, subscribe and and and and comment, yeah, and follow. I'm

trying to find what our rating is. So if you'd like advice from Chelsea, just send us an email at Dear Chelsea podcast at gmail dot com. Dear Chelsea is a production of I Heart Radio. Executive produced by Nick Stump, produced by Catherine Law, and edited and engineered by Brad Dickert.