Hi, Catherine.
Oh, Hi Chelsea, Hi, Hi, just skied down to do this podcast, and I have to say.
I love to see. I love skiing so much.
You just skied right on into the studio. It's perfect.
I skied right out of my ski out, into my ski out and walked over to my house and I am just filled filled. I have my two babies with me. Jesse and Katie have been with me for a spring break. They both slept in bed with me. Last night we watched Pride and Prejudice.
Which one the movie one or the mini series one?
Minise? Is there a miniseries?
Is a mini series with Colin Firth.
Oh, I had to tell you, Oh, you have to see it.
It's like, is it old nineties?
But it's like Colin Firth coming out of the water with that wet shirt.
It's it's really everything.
I love the guy from Succession who's in the first of all, everyone in Pride and Prejudice is like a huge actor. Carrie Mulligan's in it. It's so beautiful and the language is so beautiful. I have one Jesse who's like love with it, and then Katie's like, this is stupid.
What is this?
Why am I talking about this? It was so funny.
I'm like, Okay, here are the twins, two different, completely different.
Personalities, exactly exactly.
I went out.
I went skiing this morning and I texted them. I said, girls, when you get up, meet your father. They call me dad. I go meet your father on the mountain. I said, if you want to make your father happy, meet me on the mountain.
And they're like, fudda, fudda.
We're all dressed and ready to go, but where are skis? And their mom took their skis back to Squamish for some reason.
I'm not sure why.
I had one set of skis so only one of them could meet me. But they're like, we won't disappoint We're coming.
It's so cute. And then we went to lunch.
You're just like surrounded by children on the mountain.
Oh my god, it's I know. I'm running a fucking daycare center up here.
So, Chelsea, I've got a little update that kind of goes with our episode today.
This email comes from Riley.
Riley says, Dear Chelsea, I'm not a past caller, so this really can't be called an update, but it involves changes from your advice, so let's call it one. A couple of months ago, I decided to take a year off from school to pursue a full time job that was making a ton of crazy money at A month later, I was fired from said job.
Long story short.
Within a year, I went from moving to my dream city for my dream program in school to a second time dropout and unemployed. I've always been a person who's believed that energy follows you. I'm also a person who is practically a professional in negative energy and deals with depression. So I've connected, listened, and taken your advice over the last few weeks. I'm on day seventeen of daily Gratitude.
I've been doing all my positive affirmations, and I've been repeating this is a good energy day to myself on a daily basis and to both of you. Thank you, because today I realized what a massive shift in general attitude I've had and the unnatural change in energy around me. Then the magic happened. It feels like a door opened with the new job I have, I found a different program that clicked with my goals and values to go back to school, and a guy at a bar asked
for my number for the very first time. Thanks again, sending love from a stranger Riley.
Yes, everybody, you can change your energy, and when you change your energy, you are magnetically attracting and energetically attracting different things into your life.
Yeah.
So the value of a gratitude journal may say, sound corny or like a hundred of time for that, it changes your energy and you won't know it until you do it, So fucking do it.
Yeah, and affirmations too.
It's like when we talk to ourselves differently, things happen.
It's really really cool.
Oh, I'm going to DC to be one of the comedians that's giving Kevin Hart his Mark Twain Award in DC. Oh, that's exciting. Yeah, it'll be on Netflix, I think. So I have whipped up a little speech for Kevin.
Hart, so he better get fucking ready, bitch.
Is it like a nice speech or is it a little roasty?
A little bit of both?
Gay? Excellent? Are you guys kind of like good friends like chums?
Well, he's been an old friend, so he's all always a good friend, like I've known him for so long from Chelsea lately days he demanded to be a guest instead of on the Roundtable. After he was on the round Table for a period of time, then he demanded to be a guest because his people were like, he's too he's he's now guest material, and I remember going, wow.
Look at him. Yeah, so he's been a pain in my ass for a very long time.
I don't see him, No, I don't see him a lot, but I will always show up for Kevin.
I love him.
I love that. I love that old friends are sometimes the best friends.
And he's one of the only black men, famous men that I haven't had sex with. Well, just kidding, just kidding, Okay, so oh today. I love this woman and the first reason she caught my attention was on Instagram dancing with her husband Twitch, who has since passed away, and then after he passed away by taking his life.
I was just blown.
Away by the way that this woman handled that and the way that she was able to almost it felt like she was able to center herself, not in a premature way, but in such a grounded, centered way with her three children, the public facing element of that hardship.
I just couldn't believe it.
So I had been dming with her on Instagram months and months and months ago and then she came to my show at LA and anyway, I just felt a connection to her and I wanted to reach out to her. And she's on the podcast today and her name is Alison Hooker and she's the author of the new children's book Keep Dancing Through and as she is the new judge, the newest judge and so you think you can dance, So please welcome Alison Holker boss.
Hi Cuty, Petuity, Fashion Fruity.
That's so good to see you.
I was watching your clip yesterday on your Instagram of that beautiful dancer and you telling her how you could see her, and I thought, but oh, that's the best thing anyone can hear, is I see you?
Thank you? No, she went beautiful. It's like sometimes you just meet people that have like it's like a beautiful soul and you're like I feel that, you know. And I was like, that's one of those people where I was like I was really moved by her. She was great.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, So that's so awesome that you're judging on So you think you can dance?
Oh my gosh. It's been a dream job to be honest, like, I've been like every position on the job, I've been like a contestant, all star all of the things, but sitting on the judges panel has felt like home. And to be honest, I didn't know how I was gonna feel about sitting up there because I was like, am I gonna miss being on the stage like being the dancer? But truly, honestly, it's been way better. I've actually enjoyed
this experience so much. And I feel like as a judge, like I've sat where they are, I've stood in that on that stage, so I'm like really hard on them, but it's all from like a place of love because I have like a high expectation of them. But man, it's been a dream job. I've loved the experience so much.
Well, I also think it's so nice when you're it's your specialty and then you take a step back and you're actually able to judge and critique others doing what you're doing. You would think you miss it, but it's actually nice to have the pressure off of you and where you can kind of help other people to see their strengths or weaknesses.
Yeah, and it's like, honestly, a lot of the ones audition I've known them since they were children. So I feel like I'm like sitting at that table being like a mama bear. I've taught a lot of them since they were really really young, so it's more of like an honor and like a treat to be able to see like the progression that they've already had thus far, to then be able like, Okay, now, whatever I say to you, I can really help you on the next
step of your journey. And I've already been so blessed to have a big journey in the dance community, so it's a blessing to be able to cultivate someone else's.
Now, how did your dancing start, Allison?
I actually watched my sister dance when I was like twelve years old. She just looked so majestic on this stage. She was like a warrior princess, like she looked like, I don't know, she just looks so powerful, and I was like, I want to do that. And then even at a young age, I was like, I want to impact other kids, or specifically girls, to be just as powerful on a stage. Because it wasn't like one of those like frillly dancers. It wasn't like she was like
a ballallet dancer. It was like strong, athletic and powerful. She was like flipping, and I was like, I liked seeing someone so feminine kind of own their masculine and be like kind of dance more like the men and just be like owning their power. So that's always really what I wanted to do for girls in the dance industry specifically.
Yeah, and I think that's well said, because you're describing yourself too, because you're very feminine and owning your masculinity in your dance. That's what I've always noticed about you is you're so strong and the dance and you're such a good dancer.
I can't even.
Do a two step, So if you ever ever got me alone and tried to teach me something, you would have no respect for me, none, because it would be so But no, no, I promise you.
I cannot my rhythm.
Someone stole it from me before I was born, and I'm tone deaf, and when I dance, it's just people have to look away, and I need something to lean on, like a ballast. I need something so that I can just sway and not move my arms and legs at the same time.
Really, what you're telling us, is you need a wall to.
Yes, well, I used to go out with my girlfriends and we would go to bars and get drunk. I would swing my purse around my head to like just like as a decoy to not look at my dancing, just to look at my purse, and.
Just also get off your back.
Duck up, back up.
No, Honestly, everyone says that they can't dance, but I tell everybody like, if you can walk, dancing is just walking with style, Like that's it. Like I would be able to get you to dance so quick.
Someone told me this summer that it's better to not move your if you're not a great dancer. It's better to keep your feet in one place and move the rest of your body.
What are your thoughts on I.
Definitely thinking we should move your feet so you don't just look like you'resser, like get like a teeter tatter.
Like how long can I not move my feet for?
I think I would actually start with the lower half and work your way up. You know what I'm saying, Give me like a nice two set.
Right right, That's what I was thinking. I was like the two step I could do, Like okay, how could you fuck that up. But once it gets more complex than that, that I'm lost. It's like I'm swimming.
If you just start moving your arms is gonna start like looking like the toothpicks or like the what the the I don't know, all the flossing and weird stuff. We don't want to go there. We start from the bottom and a bigger way to the top, you know.
But I do.
I mean, that's how I did meet you. It was on Instagram and dancing. Congrats on your new book. It's called Keep Dancing through a Boss Family Groove.
How did that come about?
Actually, this book was written back in twenty twenty one into twenty twenty two, so it's it's been a long time coming. It was written with my late husband, and honestly it's just a testament to what our family would do in a day in our lives. You know, my husband, we really believed a lot in like affirmations and teaching
that to our kids. And so every morning, together with both of us, we would teach our kids and like start our day with like I'm strong, I'm smart, I'm beautiful, and I'm kind, which I still do to this day of my kids every single morning and we just started realizing, like when we talk to other parents or other you know, other friends of ours, that they don't really do affirmations.
And we were like, man, if we got kids to start talking kindly to themselves at a young age, like that could really help them through their like you know, going through like the preteen stage, teenage years into adulthood. So we were like, let's teach other kids what we
like to do. And so the story really goes from like morning tonight, my kids, all three of them go through something like little little mini kid challenges, nothing dramatic and crazy, but either way, for them, it's big, and they use affirmations to kind of like pick themselves back up. And I think my favorite part of the book Keep Dancing Through is that it's not just coming from the parents like me and Steve, and it's not just coming
from us that we teach o your kids affirmations. In the book, the siblings help each other to remind each other of that, and I thought that was like a really special way of looking at it. Because my oldest daughter, who's fifteen, so many times when my kids are going through the things, she'll step in and help. So that's something we also really wanted to kind of get through in this book. But really it's just teaching people to teach your kids affirmations and if you're having a hard day,
talk kindly to yourself. So that's really the premise book.
It reminds me.
I was driving yesterday with a girlfriend of mine in Whistler and we were driving through this neighborhood and we saw they said, this boy and this girl. It was an older boy, probably like sixteen fifteen sixteen with his friend and then a sister. Because they looked alike, you could tell they were brother and sister. And he yelled at her and she came running back. He goes, don't ever walk away without giving me a hug. And he was with his friend and I was like, you are
so cute. We were screaming out the window. I'm like, you're the best big brother ever. And he had this huge smile, and the girl looked at us and she goes, he is the best big brother ever.
And I thought that was the sweetest thing.
Honestly, Sibling love is my favorite. I don't think we talk about it enough. We always talk about like parent love, taking care of your friends, being there for like your relationship, and like sibling love is like if you have a close relationship with your brother or sister, like it's endless.
Like I'm so close to my brothers and sisters. I'm so grateful for that because it truly is one of those relationships where you could like not talk for a week, three months a year, but wherever you start talking, it's like you never stopped. I love sibling love. It's my favorite.
How many siblings do you have, Alison, I'm the youngest of five.
Oh no, I'm the youngest of six, So that's what we have in common.
Okay, okay, uh huh, yeah, Oh I'm dating. I'm definitely baby energy of the family. I take full advantage.
Yes, totally.
The baby is the best position to be in because everyone wants to do everything for you and help you.
And that's why I'm so incompetent.
I believe in any sort of domestic capability, like I cookie cleaning. If something happens, if one of the dogs goes to the bathroom on the rug, I just leave, like I don't want any part of it. I don't know how to clean it. I don't want to know. I tried to cook something last night, and ended up. I cooked chicken and spinach and they both ended up in the garbage. And I just am completely And I blame them because they have rendered me useless.
Yes, no, blame them for sure. It's your fault that you are so good at taking care of the house. I don't know.
How, yes, exactly exactly.
No, I bring it in. I bring it in.
Where are they? Are they in California? You're siblings.
So my family all pretty much lives in Utah, although they're coming to visit me this week because we're all very close, so my mother and my brother, they're coming to stay with me. There's a lot lessen I come from, like a Utah Mormon family, so there's a lot of grandkids. There's a lot of babies running around all the time. So it's like whenever we get together, there's lots of energy.
But it's really fun. Like we're very big, like game heavy, sports heavy family, so we get together, we like make teams, we'll play basketball, soccer, and it's really fun. But there's a lot of bodies to take care of.
Yeah, I bet there are another reason why I before I met you, or and what I found so inspiring, which you know, the world did as well. Was how you dealt with the loss of your husband and how you dealt with your grief and with your children. And it felt like, I don't want to say it happened quickly. It felt like you were able to center and ground yourself in a way that was surprising to see and inspiring to see that you were able to really focus
on the gratitude. And I want to know more about how you did that, and I want my listeners to know how you were able to wrangle your strength during that time.
Well, first off, thank you. I'll be real though, I think the reason I am where I am today is multiple reasons. The first thing being I separated myself from the world for like three months. I didn't look at social media, didn't look at anything online. I honestly separated myself even from friends. And I said to my children, we have to do this together and we have to face it all, every emotion. We're not rushing the process, but we cannot ignore this process. So we didn't go
to school, I didn't go to work. I didn't I didn't even do any of those things. We just sat in with our emotions and face the anger, the sad, the pain, the joy, the memories, and I went through everything together with therapists, with a very very very small group of like loved ones, just because I was like, this is not something that we can just go to the grocery store and try to be like we're okay right away. We sat together, face everything communicated, We're vulnerable,
we're crying with each other, we're holding each other. Walking through our home sometimes was just tough because there's so many memories in each place. So sometimes someone would just start crying when they're walking up the stairs when they just like clicked and had a memory of him holding them there, or when we'd walk in the kitchen and look at a certain chair that was his chair. But instead I was like, let's process all this. And I think that by allowing us that space of just being
together and being honest about all of the feelings. Sometimes i'd go outside and I would always tell my kids that he's in the stars, So if you ever need to talk to him, we go outside and just look up at the stars and say whatever you need to say. And sometimes it would just be you know, today is a really beautiful day. I held Zia and we played some games. Other times it would be like, I'm really upset with you, very upset. How could you do this
to us? How could you do this to me? And I would let them do that as well, and I think giving us that space to properly grieve and not hide from it, we all shed a lot of layers really quickly together, and we forgave him, We forgave ourselves.
You know, we laughed for the first time together as a family, which was, you know, full of mixed emotions of is this okay for us to do because you kind of feel guilt for smiling and laughing right after something like this, But we faced it all and so then slowly we started reintroducing ourselves to life and school and activities and me associating again with friends or co workers or having even the idea of going back to work.
But we took our time with it, and I think that was the smartest thing for the way we did it. I can't say it's right for everyone, but it was right for us. And then we now feel comfortable talking about it publicly because we faced some different emotions, and I'm really proud of my kids for that. I'm proudly even myself to be honest for that, But we took the time to process and we're really really patient with ourselves.
And how did you know how important that was to do well?
A therapist told me that. But our lives are so public. I knew that even though my kids are very young, people feel very connected to us and very close with us, and I knew we'd be getting a lot of opinions,
and not necessarily bad. I don't mean that to be a negative thing, but we would just have people feel so close to us that they open a lot of dialogue with us openly, whether we were at like you know, when we started associating and going out too public, just being at a grocery store, we did a lot of conversations from people that no seven year old should be really hearing. And so I needed them to be strong.
I needed them to have gone through some of these emotions so then when they're like approached publicly, they have a strong sense of themselves. I needed that for them and I needed that for me, because it's not a negative thing that people want to come to us. But I know as a person that I knew people were going to come to me with their stories or need
me to help them through their agony through it. So I needed to be strong enough to be able to have a full enough cup to be able to pour back into people, and unfortunately need my kids to be able to do that too, even though that's not a position they should be in. That's just kind of where we're at, especially as a society with public figures, and
they're doing it. My kids have people approach them all the time about really big topics, especially my oldest who's fifteen, and she's able to hold her own and whole conversations and help people through their own tragedies as well, and it's something that we've worked really hard to get to and with tragedy and with this grief, I've learned that God and the universe really gave me this purpose and
I've had to learn to accept it. But there's a bigger reason why, and it's because I'm supposed to help other people to see that there's still life after You can still honor someone, but you can still honor yourself. And that's the biggest message I'm still trying to teach people through this.
Yeah, that reminds me, Catherine of what Monica Lewinsky said on our podcast Something she said, you know, when you turn your pain into.
Purpose, Yeah, exactly, And.
I think that is applicable to almost all pain, right, regardless of what it is, is that you you can become strong like because before this, would you ever imagine that you could be this strong?
Absolutely not. I knew I was a strong person, but I never experienced grief before this. This is like I went from zero to a thousand. I never experienced anything of the degree that I'm at. And so it's been a very big learning process, but really grateful for like the people and of how around me really teaching me how to get through this, guiding me through and helping me,
and to be honest, it is it's my faith. It's like my faith with God or you know, or with the spirituality that I have with the universe of just being really connected. I follow my intuitional law. I meditate a lot, and I think that's really been a huge saving grace to me and keeping me mentally sane and realizing that I've never woke up a day without being super grateful. Still, I still think it's so wonderful life, even though the hard times and the you know, the
great times. I look at the world and I can't help but think that there's eight billion people here, and though I've gone through something that's you know, really really dramatic and really confusing and complex, so have a lot of people. So have a lot of people, And instead of sitting in my sorrows, like I'd rather help those people that are still going through things today get through theirs. I think as a support system, specifically for women, we just got to be the other's rocks at this point.
Yeah, it's very inspiring and it's very I'm sure many of the things that you're saying are going to resonate with our listeners a lot, because grief is an inescapable thing to go through during life, you know, depending. I mean, it's also substantial to different situations for everyone, but it's unavoidable. You know, we're all going to lose people, and it's
about choosing how you're going to deal with that. And I think gratitude has been such a huge topic of conversation on this podcast and many others because it is so powerful. It is so powerful in your darkest moments to still have gratitude.
Absolutely. I just like I have a journal that I keep that I like start with my affirmations. I go into like, you know, my goal writing, but then I always end with gratitude. I think it's the best thing ever because you can't really sit in pain if you're grateful.
Yeah, And it's a weird thing how it can kind of shift it does it shifts your grief?
Oh yeah, because you also learn, unfortunately but fortunately to be grateful for your experience to make you a stronger, better human. At the end of the day, Stephen was one of the most inspiring people still to the state.
To me.
I had thirteen years with him and loved every minute of it. I learned so much from him. We always exchange advice on self help books. We loved affirmations, we love manifestation. We would always listen to podcasts. We'd always watch inspiring like documentaries of how to get through life and people's tragedies but how they overcome. Like we shared
this common love for these things. And though yes there's things that bring me a lot of pain from his actions, I still can't deny how much I learned from him. He's helped build the person I am today, and he actually helped build me to be the strongest version of myself, to be able to handle this, and so I give him, even through all this, I give him a lot of credit for making me the strongest person, be the best version of myself. For my kids so beautiful, and I still believe that.
I believe it too.
I mean, I can see it, and that's beautiful, and so are you, and so is your family.
Thank you. I mean, listen, my kids. My kids are my champions, and I learned from them every day. I think sometimes as parents we really kind of like forget that you can learn so much from just irving your kids, but also listening to them. Like my youngest is four, and if anyone's taught me boundaries its her. She's four. We'll be cuddling on the couch watching a movie and she's like snuggling up to me. She'll stand up and leave, like where you going? She's like, I need some space.
So it seemed to be boundaries. I'm like, oh, I don't have to be a people pleaser. I could just leave and take off whatever I want and that's cool. Yeah, right, and she'll re inswer herself back when she's ready. But yeah, I think I have really awesome kids to still be learning from every single day too.
So okay, let's take a break and we're gonna be right back, and we're back with Alison Holker as our special guest.
So excited I met you.
The first time I met you was at my show, right at my show in LA when you came.
Yeah. Oh my gosh.
It was such a great show too. I had so much fun.
Okay, so, Catherine, we're gonna we're gonna take some calls from people, yes, and give them some life advice out since you're in a fucking great position to do it.
I mean, you should be like a counselor.
At this point, I've lived so much life. I will sit back and like, bring it on, let's see what we got. I might not have a best advice, I could definitely give some and try.
Yeah no, sure, sure.
Well, Adam says dear Chelsea.
I just wanted to start off by saying a huge thank you and let you in on a little secret.
I totally snagged are you there vodka?
It's me Chelsea from my mom's shelf way too early in life. But hey, it was totally worth it because once we both realized we shared the same sense of humor, we became addicted to watching your shows together as a young gay guy. These hilarious moments brought me and my mom closer and improved our relationship big time. But I've got something on my mind that's been bugging me lately. I lost a close friend recently in a freak accident. She had a history of seizures, and unfortunately, one of
them caused an accident and she didn't make it. We were tight back in college when we first met, but after we graduated things started to change. It felt like I became her personal therapist, and as I made other friends and had my own life, she seemed resentful and distant. Don't get me wrong, she was an amazing friend during our college days, but eventually I kind of ghosted her.
Looking back, I know it wasn't the best way to handle it, and now that she's gone, I can't help, but wish I had had the chance to explain myself. So I'm reaching out for some advice. How can I deal with this loss and stop myself from ghosting friends without giving them proper closure when things get weird? And how do I deal with the things left unsaid? Thanks for being such a badass in everything you do. Cheers Adam.
Well, first, I would say there is not You know, we say this a lot that you cannot change what you've done.
You cannot change the past, but you have.
To forgive yourself for the past and know that moving forward that you are going.
To change your behavior.
And of course it's not nice to ghost people, but I'm sure your friend who passed away has forgiven you and you need to forgive yourself and you can even do that in prayer or meditation or write it in you know, you can journal about it, and you obviously feel that. And when you feel guilt, it's true, you do feel badly for what you did. And that's all you can do because there's no way to change that. How you can make it up to her is by making sure that you don't do that to anyone else
in the future. And when things do get weird, have an honest conversation with yourself before you have an honest conversation with the person you know you don't want to. It's no one feels good getting left behind, No one feels good getting ghosted.
And it is so much more honorable and more difficult.
To be direct and truthful to people when it is an uncomfortable situation, and once you do it one time, you're going to be so proud of yourself for handling it like an adult that it will become your new habit. And you have to be accountable to yourself. You know, you have to be accountable to yourself. That is what honor is like. When no one's looking, what are you going to do? When no one's watching? What are you
going to do? So I just I would say, just to move forward in a completely new way and make a promise to yourself that you're not going to make that mistake again, because, as Oprah says, when you know better, you do better, and that is very true.
Allison, what do you think?
I first off, agree with everything you just said because I believe about speaking things into the world and into the universe. So if you need forgiveness and need forgive it from her, just speak it out loud. Go outside, go to a mountain, talk, go into nature, scream it out, say I'm so sorry, I wish I did this. Get it off of you. Give yourself after though, is the
biggest thing. You have to say it to yourself though, because I think sometimes forget people, forget that the person you're talking to is yourself the most throughout the day. You have to be the person forgive you. You're not going to hear it from someone else, so you have to speak it out, get it off of you, forgive yourself. But then also remember that people do come in seasons
and they know that for themselves as well. It's okay to be in a relationship with someone, love someone, have a friend, have a family member that you love so much and that you do kind of set brand part ways. I do agree with Chelsea, have a conversation with them before you just ghost them. But it's okay to have someone that was in your life for twelve years kind
of becomes someone that you now move on from. That's okay, and I think people don't realize that you don't have to hold onto relationships that are no longer working and valid for both parties. It's okay for people to come in for a month, a year, seven years, because sometimes you meet someone new and they feel like you've known them forever, and that's great to accept a new move in your life.
I always have new friends.
I'm always making new friends and I do and I've just wrote about this in my new book, which is you know Some people are there just for a season, you know, in your life. Some people are there to help you through a time in your life. And sometimes you're the person helping another person through the time in their life. But you don't have to look at anything as permanent. And sometimes that's all it is. It's a three year friendship or a ten year friendship or a
couple months friendship. Sometimes that's it and you won't know the purpose of it, maybe ever, But you just have to try TuS that either you're there for them or they're there for you, and that was important. And then when you move on, be graceful about it.
Absolutely.
Yeah, And like Chelsea said about not doing it again, I think maybe the lesson here that you're going to take away is that you're not going to do this to another person. And maybe that next person is the one that like will really need you.
To gracefully exit the relationship.
That sort of thing, right, And.
The person that you lost gave you this lesson, and so that isn't worth nothing either.
You know that is meaningful.
That relationship is meaningful because it's going to change how you deal with everyone else in the future.
Yeah, And to be honest, I'm a person that's like very non confrontational. So when there's a conversation that has to be had that feels like it could go either side and not in control of it, I get very nervous about them. So that's even a lesson I'm trying to teach myself right now, is like not being scared of a conversation, being uncomfortable, maybe having a little bit of conflict and having to work it out with someone.
It's very, very scary, But at the end of the day, once you start doing it, each conversation you have becomes easier and easier and easier to face.
All right, Adam, Well write us in, give us an update after you, you know, have that conversation, write that letter and keep us posted on how you are.
Alison. Do you ski?
I've skied, but it's been years and years and years, so I'd have to like relearn retry it. It's been a while.
But I grew oh right, right, right, so of course you had to ski.
But when I was younger, you're a skier.
Yeah, I can ski. You can teach me how to dance, and I can teach you how to ski fire.
I'm so in on all of that.
And then we can dance ski. Maybe we can do a dance ski for my fiftieth next year.
Oh I'm so down. Don't kill me with a good time.
That would be so funny. Oh my god. If I could dance on.
Skis, actually, I'd probably be a better dancer on skis.
Really would just be the upper money.
I know that.
I'm like, oh look, look I got rid of them.
Have you guys seen those videos?
There are videos that have been circulating recently that are like in the eighties, it was like an Olympic sport where people would like ski dance and it's like the most eighties thing ever.
It's kind of incredible.
Yeah, it's it's like slow dancing on skis. I've seen it going around.
Yes, I have not seen that. I'm gonna definitely look it up.
Though, worsha Google for sure, for sure.
Well.
Our next question comes from Krinne. She says, Dear Chelsea, I recently turned forty and welcomed my first baby, the cutest boy.
In December.
Actually, we live in Ottawa, and I missed Chelsea's show here because I was giving birth.
Womp.
I have lots to be happy about, and I am, but There's one thing I can't stop steing about. On Christmas Night last year, my dad's partner of nearly twenty years and our stepmom, announced she was leaving him and ghosted us completely. She took all of her things that evening after guests had left, and we have not heard from her since. I'm normally one to say fuck it, let's let this go and move forward, but I'm struggling.
My question is do I reach out to her. I don't want a relationship with her, and it's clear she doesn't want one with us, but the complete disappearance and deceit continue to bother me. She told my dad she had decided to end the relationship a month prior, but wanted to get through Christmas. Why she went through the motions of sending us her Christmas list, so her Christmas
list of what she wanted. This really grinds my gears and even hosting dinner, but why If she had left before Christmas, we could have hosted my dad and started a new tradition with his first grandson, But instead we spent the day with her family, most notably her drunk brother who kept telling me I still looked pregnant. If I were to reach out, I'm not sure it would be worth it. And what am I even looking for?
Need help?
Bestkrinn Hi, Karen, Hi, Hi, this is Alison Hooker, our special guest today.
Nice to meet you you too.
Yeah, you don't want to reach out to her, You're not going to get any information.
And I understand what you're saying.
You wish she would have left before Christmas, but she probably thought she was. She definitely thought she was doing the right thing by sticking it through Christmas, which probably ninety percent of people would say they would do, is stick it out through the hall to do the right thing and then get through the holidays and call it.
So you're not looking for answers. You're irked.
Yes, you had to spend Christmas with her drunk brother, but guess what, you'll never have to see him again, and you'll never have to.
See her again. And how is your father doing.
He's having a hard time, Like I think that's the part of it we're struggling with, Like he was completely shocked. So the anger I have is like, yes, I totally agree with you. She's like a sweet person and kind of wanted to get through the holidays, but I guess just the embarrassment to him, like we gave her like new grandma ornaments, like I don't care, like move along. She deserves to be happy, but I think it's that part that I'm struggling with and like seeing him struggle.
Right, I would take all of your energy and anger towards her and put it towards supporting and loving and comforting him.
Yeah, Like take.
All of that anger and just focus on him and help him through this difficult time, because that is who's hurting really, you know, and you're hurting on behalf of him. You're not missing her, you know, you don't. She's not gonna give you any answers that you're gonna like or that are gonna help, I promise.
Sometimes the thing is people we hope to hear something that's gonna make us feel better, so we have preconceived ideas. I'm like, maybe she'll say this happened or maybe it was because of this, but really you don't.
Know what it is.
And then that's what's really scary, is the unknown of why, and you have so many questions about it. But whatever she says, even if she does give you an answer, you might not like and it might make it worse or more confusing, or it might not even be an honest answer from her. She might just be trying to like soften the whatever it was. So for me, at the end of the day, it's more about you forgiving
and moving on through it. Right, you are all working together in your family of finding your own piece and just moving forward together as a unit.
Yeah, for sure. And it's totally me being like petty and a stickler, Like I totally get that, And I just have struggled with why does it even bother me? Because I would tell anyone exactly what Chelsea just said.
It bothers you because it's your father and you love him and you care about him and you hate see him in pain.
That's why it bothers you.
But you have a new baby, and that's a great focal point, Like that's great for your dad to focus on.
That's great for you to focus on.
And all you can do is just be a ballast for him, just support him, love him, show up for him, let him vent to you.
Has he had communication with her since they.
Broke up, only that she wrote him that she canceled his Netflix, Like that's the only Wow.
Oh, God, not really, Yeah, just new beginnings. You have to think about it as new beginnings. There's a time for grieving, there's a time for morning, and then there's a time for like planting and harvesting. And in this cycle you are going to get to the next phase and just stick with him, you know, use all of that anger and turn it into love for your father.
Yeah, okay, we are.
Yeah, I'm sure you are.
But when you want to reach out to her, just redirect that attention towards him.
Okay, that's helpful.
Yeah, I think that's really good advice.
I think that's the right thing. So yes, and you know, be graceful when it's over. Always be graceful when it's over, someone tells you they don't want to be there anymore.
Thank you for letting us know. Goodbye.
Yeah totally. I just needed to hear.
If they want to go, you've got to let them go. Unfortunately, even though it causes you pain, but you're gonna be okay.
Yeah, thank you.
Yeah, no problem.
Rio.
Well, thanks for calling Ankorin of course, take care.
All right.
Our next one is just an email. This comes from Meredith. She says, should I tell my mom about my dad's girlfriend.
Ah, and it's a little bit of a tricky it's a little bit of a tricky title.
But but you'll say, you'll see.
I have to say I love salacious affairs, like I don't want them to happen to everyone.
But I do like to hear about it.
I know, I know.
Sometimes I'm like, I'm sorry you're going through this, but it's great for the time.
I can't help it.
Oh, we do like hearing about it.
Okay, so it's a little bit of a misdirect But Dear Chelsea, my sister's daughter has autism, and there's one teacher of hers who's been particularly extraordinary. My sister has talked to our mom about this teacher a lot because of all the wonderful things she's done for my niece over the years. But my sister withholds the fact that this teacher has been dating our dad for the past six months and things are getting serious. In a few weeks, my mom and I will be flying in for my
niece's birthday. My dad and his girlfriend will also be at all the birthday events. My dad knows my mom will be there, but my mom doesn't know my dad has a girlfriend. Let alone that it's someone she knows. Though my parents have been divorced for twenty years and live in different states, my mom still has a short.
Fuse when it comes to my dad.
My dad, sister and I are expecting my mom's reaction to be explosive, yelling, crying, running away, etc. I ask my sister multiple times to tell our mom about our dad's relationship so our mom has time to process and she doesn't create a scene at my niece's birthday party. But it's been months and it's clear my sister is not going to do it. Do I tell my mom about my dad's girlfriend, Meredith?
I'd say yes, I didn't realize they're not married. He's allowed to have a girlfriend. That's allowed. Yes, they've been divorced and separated for a long time, and yes, to save the drama from the actual day, I would absolutely be honest with your mother, since your sister camp bring herself to do it and your father's I mean, I don't know that he has a responsibility to even tell her because they've been separated for so long. So I think, as a daughter, yes, I think you should tell her
and say listen, I want to tell you something. This is going to be maybe difficult for you to hear, but I just want our niece not to suffer anything, you know, have any.
Bad vibes on her birthday. Yeah, but this is the situation.
Someone that's been separated for twenty years absolutely has permission to start date. I mean, there's not really a time frame for any of that, right, you don't want that to happen at a party. And also it's also one of those things like if she is explosive and it has this big personality that is going to blow up, you should get that that fuse to be started outside of the party at home on her own, because she's going to show up the party and she's going to see
them together. She's going to feel the energy, and that girlfriend shouldn't have to hide the emotion she has for the dad, but she shouldn't have to act like they're not together while she's there to protect someone else's feelings because they have an explosive personality.
Yeah, and I'm sure the sister who is like the mom of the niece, I'm sure the sister like hasn't told mom because she's like, oh, well then mom won't come.
But you can't just like surprise people with this, like if if that's.
Mom's prerogative and she doesn't want to come because Dad's going to be there with his girlfriend, Like she's allowed to do that.
And she has to be able to make her own choice.
I'm not a big proponent of choosing making choices for other people, right. You give people the information and then they decide what they're going to do with it. You give them the truth and then they decide. You can't decide for your mother that she's you know what I mean, And your sister can't decide for your mother either, Like, oh, maybe she'll find out at the part, Like that's so unfair and it's so disloyal. You know, that's your mother and that's your father, and you want to be actually
respectful to both of them. And I also would include making sure your mom knows how much this woman has done for your niece, because I think that's important information for your mother to hear and to kind of mitigate her anger.
Yeah, for sure.
I love the idea though, that you would be separated for twenty years and your ex would be pissed that you're dating. Like, I love the notion of that. I mean I honestly believe your mom. I mean, there's a chance your mom will have absolutely no fucking reaction whatsoever true other than the fact that you guys all knew about it and no one said anything to her.
Maybe we should also get her dating, like why does no one tell she? Probably maybe she should date someone, like maybe you put her on a date.
Who knows who what she's up to. Maybe she is and is too scared to tell her own family. But I don't like secrets within families. It's like, no, there's no necessary that, there's no need to get be secretive like that when you're hiding something that creates toxicity.
I feel like secrets are always a toxic thing.
What do they say, you're only as sick as your secrets. I think that's like an age.
Oh, yes, that's right, you're only as sick as your secrets. Luckily I have none.
I have a couple.
But all right, Well, our next caller is Jess, And this question is kind of about like when you're very busy making sure that there's time for your family, for balance, all that stuff. So Jess is thirty seven and she's in Grand Rapids, Michigan. She says, Dear Chelsea, I'm living my dream. I have my dream wife, my dream job, and quite frankly, my dream life. We don't have kids, and we're lucky enough to have the opportunity to travel often, and I'm really proud of and happy with the life
we've created. Unfortunately, my incredible wife of almost ten years is not having the same experience. It breaks my heart, especially since it seems I'm partially to blame. I started a nonprofit seven years ago that utilizes gardening and caring for reskewed animals to teach life skills, social skills, and job skills to adults with autism. It's the most difficult and rewarding thing I've ever done. It requires a lot of sacrifices money, time, and energy, and it all goes
back into the organization. I really try hard to balance it with my life at home, but I never seem to be able to give my wife everything she needs from me. She says that I have nothing left for her after work, and she's not wrong. It can be all consuming. There's no money to be made in this field. We're fortunate to break even, and as an organization, we don't even have the finances to hire extra help. At the moment, I'm not willing to give my wife less
than she deserves. I'm also not willing to give up this dream. There are too many people depending on it.
So what do I do?
I want to make a difference in the world, But my wife is not going to put up with this much longer. She's already given so much, aside from winning the lottery to fund the organization. I don't feel like there's a real win here. Please help, Thank you so so much.
Jess, Hi, Jess, this is all especially just Alsinholker today.
Oh my gosh, wonderful.
Okay, so your wife is pissed because she doesn't get enough of your attention. Basically, so when you come home from work, like, what are your work hours?
Like, Oh, they're just all over the place. I mean I work seven days a week.
It depends.
It just depends on what.
The needs of the animals are. And you know, depending on if I get you know, we could be on a day or doing something and I get pulled away because the animals escape the fence or whatever. There's just always something that comes up. It's just there's always a need.
Yeah, that's tough. And what does your wife have a job, what's her schedule?
Like, she is a bartender. She works most evenings some daytimes, but her work is very much you know, like leave it there, whereas mine I bring it home. And so even with I even when I am having time with her, I'm very distracted thinking about all of these people that are depending on me. For a lot of our participants, it's they don't have other options, so we're pretty much their only source of support. So if someone calls me up, I kind of feel obligated to, you know, respond to that.
And so you can work at any time of the day, like you could call it in. I mean, are there other people that you can delegate stuff to that work.
With you to an extent, Yes, but we don't have the funds to hire enough staff for that. So generally, if it's like in off hours or out of whatever hours we have, then it's pretty much just.
Me, okay.
And when people call you for an emergency, like, give me an example of what an emergency is.
Well, if it's a parent calling, it could be that the parent is having a crisis with their son or daughter and they need help figuring out how to calm them and how to stabilize them. If it's coming from the organization the farm. It could be that animals have gotten out of the fence. It could be that an animal is sick. It could be any number of things. It just depends during the growing season. It could have
to do with our garden. It could have to do with managing whatever pass or deer or what I mean. It could be literally hundreds of thousands of reasons.
It's like morning tonight every single day, basically.
Right, absolutely, absolutely well.
It sounds like you're going to have to find sometimes to just block out any sort of you know, needs from your work, like little pockets you know, on certain days when your wife isn't working, whether it's like a Saturday morning for two hours that you are not going to answer your phone or respond to your phone, you know, and leave a message that you're not available for these two hours, because it is reasonable for her to be irritated at that. It sounds like a twenty four hour job.
And if you really want to hold on to this relationship, which I'm assuming you do, absolutely yeah, then you have to compromise and you're going to have to figure out away to either delegate some of your responsibilities or just have these like little blackout curtains throughout the week, you know, I mean a couple of hours like each you know, whatever days that you guys want to spend together, or even if it's in the mornings where you're not going to look at your phone and you're going to have
a message on your phone saying I will be back and responding to messages at ten am or you know, four pm.
I'm not answering messages from two to four.
You're gonna have to do that, and you're gonna have to find somebody who can pick who can take care of things for those two hours that you can delegate that too, and I think you can. It sounds like what you're doing is pretty like noble, and the people that you work with are probably going to want to you know, is there some exchange you can do with the other people that also work there where you can kind of cover each other.
Yes, yes, I think there is some of that. I think, you know, it's also a big boundary issue I have with the participants and the parents of the participants of the program, where you know, well, I have kind of made myself available twenty four to seven, and I need to kind of change that precedent because it's not working for us.
Yeah, I mean even if you're available nine to five, it's too much because then you still have to do all this care for all these animals in the off hours, you know. I mean you can't be these people's like primary point of contact for like you know, medical and emotional emergencies and have this like farm situation. I do have some thoughts, like specifically how to like bring in additional help, you know.
I think if Tiger King taught us anything, it.
Is that there is a world of people out there who love animals and are ready to volunteer to come help at something like this, especially because it's for you know, members of the autistic community and helping people as well. So you're in Grand Rapids, Michigan, right, Yes, And do you have like an Instagram or somewhere where people can reach out to you if this sounds like they would like to volunteer.
Yes, Yes, you can do it through the website site, which is we grow roots dot org.
Amazing, amazing, and we'll make sure that we put that in the description as well. And I think Chelsea is right, like a date night goes a really long way or date morning, if it's like we know every Saturday morning we're going out to brunch or whatever it is.
But yeah, you are boundaryless and it's honorable for what you're doing, so I can understand it. But if you put the effort towards your spouse and say, I'm going to put two of these days aside, two of these time slots aside, whether it's Friday night or Tuesday night or Saturday morning, whatever, this is just for us. I'm going to let everyone know that I'm not going to be reachable during those hours. And you can be honest if you want to be being Like, listen, my relationship
is suffering because of my work. I've over you know, I have no boundaries, and it's necessary for me to create some. I've spoken with a counselor her name is Chelsea Handler, and I need to create some boundaries because you want to save your marriage, and when you put forth that effort towards.
Your partner, a little goes a really long way.
Yeah, I pull those non negotia in my life, like I absolutely I am blocked off Saturday mornings from nine to twelve or or and do whatever we want to do. No one can contact me, no checking your emails. But you also have to be diligent of like not checking your phones and going back to those people reaching out at the same time. But I even think, for me, when I'm hearing your story, I agree with you, like
the boundaries. We definitely have to put up boundaries. But it also seems like you have to have non negotiable time for just yourself because you keep pouring into so many people and you're talking about your relationship, you're talking about the animals, talking about your charit. But like you also have to protect your energy. So I think you have to have like a date night that's like scheduled, but also you have to have time for yourself, whether
it's working out, going on a walk by yourself. I think you need to prioritize yourself so then by the time you get to date night, you even have energy to be able to pour into someone.
Thank you. Yeah that is that's I feel like that is a really important piece that I'm missing. For sure, I give everything I have to whomever I can give it to, and then yeah, I feel pretty drained. So I think that thank you, thank you for that recommendation.
It is so important what Elson just said, Like, if your cup is full, you are able to fill other's cup. When your cup is depleted, you're empty handed, right, You
know what I mean. So you have to fig whether it's meditating every morning, whether it is giving yourself an hour every morning to get centered and focused so that you are available, and to know when you are reaching your limit, and to know and say, I am not going to be helpful to you at this point because I've overworked and I need to be fresh, like I need to refresh. And part of that refresh is spending time with your wife, quality time with your wife, and
part of it is spending quality time alone. I would spend more time with your wife than alone right now, because it sounds like.
She's fucking pissed off. So I would really go in on that.
But I would really even if it's fifteen minutes every morning where you just sit and you meditate, or you sit and you do affirmations, you know, but you have to really be respectful of your time and your bandwidth. And I know, oh that to be true. I've been there, Allison's been there, Catherine's been there. Every single person has lit the candle at both ends. And paid the price because you're not giving the best of yourself when you're that depleted.
So how do how do the three of you manage your personal relationships being how busy you all three are well?
With mine, so with my I have three children, so I'll talk about those relationships. I schedule out something that's personal for them each week. That's kind of like everyone looks for. Like my daughter, she loves to get her nails done, so we get her nails done and that's our own time, just us too. I do it every single time with her. It's very consistent. I also send her flowers every month just because I between us. But then my son Max, I take into Yogurtland and just
a date with us without the other kids. So I always make sure that each kid gets even just an hour of my time, no phone, no work, no friends, no other kids, and it's just focused on them.
Yeah, that's nice.
I think setting the time on your calendar is like absolutely helpful.
It's a seesaw too.
You know, some weeks are going to be busier, some weeks you're not going to be as busy. So for me, I know it's like, oh my gosh, I haven't really connected with my husband. In a little while, I'm gonna like put some time on the calendar. Hey, on Friday, we're doing absolutely nothing but date night or hanging out and watching a movie or whatever it is.
And I think, you know, you're a giver.
You're giving out your output output output, And you know, I've gone through phases in my life where people are going through things and it is so important for me to be a good friend, Like that is my number one thing. Like I love to show up for people when they're in crisis or when they need me, Like I am dependable and I am reliable.
Those are the things I've always wanted to be.
But you have to understand that when it is time for you to be selfish, like for you to take care of yourself, Like people think, oh, I'm being so Like it's not selfish, it's filling yourself up with more gas, spending your time alone. Like you have to take that time and say, yes, I am going to be selfish.
Right now.
You've given enough to enough people to like get you into heaven three times over. So when you need that time alone, you have to a be able to recognize it, recognize when you're like depleted and go okay, okay, okay, you're not of good use to anyone, certainly not your partner or the people that you work with when you are constantly running on empty. So you have to really really be able to a recognize it and then be
execute that by going, Okay, this is my time. I'm going to go for a walk, I'm going to refresh, I'm going to recharge, I'm going to take a nap for thirty minutes. Whatever it is that you need to do that's going to make you feel better. Do not be shy about asking for it and.
Then taking it.
Thank you.
Yeah, and don't be shy.
About asking people that work with you for that time too, you know, tell them I need thirty minutes right now, I need to recharge. I need to go spend this time with my wife. Don't be shy about asking for favors. People are more willing to do things for you than we all know.
Yeah, you're right, you're right. I need to be a better at asking for help, that's for sure.
Yeah, it's not You're not a hero when you're just constantly getting drained, Right, it feels like you're doing the right thing, but it's not heroic, yeah, because in the end everyone suffers.
Yeah, right right, And saying no is a bit of a muscle you have to work like. It will be hard for you at first, and you may get people who are like you weren't there, but you know what, they will realize that, like you need time for yourself and that's okay. Like it's okay if sometimes you get people who are upset about it, because they'll kind of get used to it as well, or they won't and they'll go find some other boundaryless person to bother.
But the more you work that muscle of saying no and setting a boundary, the better you'll get at it.
Yeah. I think that's really important because I don't want to be unavailable for anyone, but I also don't want to be available twenty four to seven. And I think I've given certain people sort of this unending support that just has no limits, and so I need to start setting a boundary and changing that precedent.
Change that precedent, pick a few hour windows throughout the week, and also stop answering calls at a certain time of night, whether it's eight o'clock or nine, whatever you feel comfortable with. But as an expression of love to your partner. I am not going to answer calls past this time.
I'm just not.
Whatever happens, that happens, and I'll be available tomorrow during workout yepes.
But pick a time and start sticking to that.
And people do respect when you set boundaries. They don't like it in the beginning, but they respect.
It, right right, all right, Jess, Well keep us posting, all right.
I will thank you so much, all three of you for your time. It's been such a pleasure to meet you.
Thank you.
I appreciate it so much.
Oh, you're welcome, Jess. Good luck with everything, and thank you for the work you're doing.
Oh.
Absolutely, take care.
Bye.
Okay, we're going to take a quick break and we're going to wrap it up with Alison Holker and we're back Allison. Allison's new book, you guys, it's a children's book. It's called Keep Dancing Through. It's a boss family groove and it's all about positive affirmations for your children and way to spread joy and sunshine. Allison, Before you go, I do want to ask you if you could give one piece of advice to anyone experiencing grief or loss.
What would you say.
Life isn't about what happens to you, It's about how you walk through it.
Love it, love it. Thank you so much for being our guest today.
I adore you, and I well, I'm going to contact you when I'm back in La so we can have a drink together.
I love that way.
Yes, yes, and congrats on everything. And you can see her every week on So you think you could dance? Thanks Allison, Thank you so much you guys, It's been so much fun.
Hopefully come back.
Yes or I'll be on so you think you can say? That's actually the perfect title for me.
Okay, guys, so for stand up.
My next two shows in Vancouver are March twenty ninth. There are still tickets available for March thirtieth in Vancouver if you're in the Vancouver area, so get your tickets before they run out. That's March twenty ninth is sold out. March thirtieth tickets available. And then I'm coming to Salt Lake City on April fourth, and I'm coming to Denver,
Colorado and April fifth. Tickets are still available for those two. Maricopa, Arizona is April twelfth, and then Brooks California is April thirteenth, and we added a second show in Sydney, and we added a second show in Prior Lake, Minnesota, which is now going to be May twenty fourth. We added the Santa Barbara Bowl, which is so fun. I performed there
last year. That's August seventeenth, the Santa Barbara Bowl. We added a second show at Santa Rosa on August second, and we added two dates at Hawaii.
Guys.
I'm coming to Hawaii on July nineteenth to ca Who Louis gonna be at Caho Louis, And then I'm coming on July twenty at to Honolulu. And I just added another date on August first Auburn, Washington. So, and all my Australia and New Zealand dates are up, and I will be announcing a European tour shortly, so I will be coming there.
And I'm coming to Oklahoma.
I have two dates in Oklahoma May third, which is my mother's birthday, Norman, Oklahoma, and May fourth, I will.
Be in Thackerville, Oklahoma.
So Oklahomians, Oklahoma's Oklohm's come fine.
If you'd like advice from Chelsea, shoot us an email at Dear Chelsea podcast at gmail dot com and be sure to include your phone number. Dear Chelsea is edited and engineered by Brad Dickard executive producer Catherine Law and be sure to check out our merch at Chelseahandler dot com