Dream Requiem with Rufus Wainwright

Hi Catherine, Hi Chelsea, how are you today?

Doug has diarrhea lives in Canada. My friend Cynthia texted me this morning saying she felt like Doug was depressed when I left, and I said, I doubt it, and then she said, I know he really misses you. And then she goes, actually he hasn't eat his food all day, and I go, oh my god, oh my.

God, he came out of me. Fuck well.

At first I thought he does love me, he does love me, and then I was like, wait a second, I had food poisoning, and I was like, did he get food poisoning?

Anyway?

He had diaryea on her couch and on her carpet. So I was like, okay, I'll be back sooner than later to get him.

Anyway.

She I was like, we can replace all of those things, we can replace her houseplace. She goes, he's so high, he's got such energy, and I go, just put him outside while he's sick. He's happy to stay outside and sleep outside. He preferred so fucking hot with all that hair. And she's like, okay, but just you know, like bears come through the backyard and I was like, oh. I was like well, I mean, he'll probably find his whole family.

Those are his ancestors, you know.

What I mean.

It's so true.

He is basically a bear. He is a bear.

So I don't know how long he's gonna last in Canada, but I have people.

Long enough to come back to La.

Well, he might not get in with the fucking way immigration is going. Who knows if they'll stop him at the border. I mean, he is black. Who knows they'll make up some.

Fucking excuse, you know what I mean? There are his papers, I know, well, I do have his paperwork. Actually, ironically I could. I should probably sell that to somebody. Well, not sell it, give it to somebody. Listen to me.

I would just like to say that.

It's early in the morning today and I got myself a parking spot all by myself.

I paid the major, I did it effectively.

And it wasn't even in the normal place.

It wasn't in a normal place. I parked up the street. We're at a studio. I went by my real house this morning to check on things. There's a lot of drilling going on.

I was telling Brad this morning, I'm like, I don't even know what exactly's happening at the house, I don't know.

Nobody asks me anymore, and nobody should. Nobody asked me what's going on with my house. If you're listening to this and you want to rent a big house in Los Angeles for a lot of money, hit me up on DMS, because yeah you could.

I'm gonna rent that house out great until I make.

My money back, and I'll live in Whistler or Spain or I don't know, Guantanamo Bay, you know where, whatever, whatever place welcomes me exactly.

If people can rent that, if they're fans of yours or RFK Junior, I mean it's great.

I just yes, this is a what is it a cautionary tale? Cautionary tale?

True?

I had one great house building experience and I got very confident, over confident, and then I now have another house building experience and I am will never ever build anything again.

Yeah.

Well, speaking of Trump's cabinet, we have one of Trump's favorite people.

Cabinet.

They shouldn'ven be called a cabinet.

That's like, that's a fucking thing, that's an item you'd find in my house that doesn't work.

It's not a cabinet.

It's like a fucking broken toaster is his cabinet? Yeah, we have somebody who has gotten, who has had it friction with Trump on today. He's an amazing singer, songwriter, composer and legendary beauty.

Please welcome Rufus Wainwright.

Hi, good morning, Hello, Hello, Hi, oh oh hi, Rufus.

Oh wow look at you. You're like me way early.

Yeah yeah, no way early.

But and for a musician, no less. I mean, this is what is happening.

Well, I have a fourteen year old child.

Yes, I know about that, and so you have to.

Wake up early to breastfeed.

Yeah, yeah, I have to be on call basically twenty four to seven for any kind of horrific situation.

Absolutely, I understand.

Yeah. Is that better?

You look very thin? You look really thin? On this Is that what you said you're going for?

Well, I was more going for Marlene and Dietrich.

But then we'll work well Finn and Marlene Dietrich Rufus. First of all, well, there's a lot to talk about, Yes, dream Requiem, which is what we're here to talk about. But first I wanted just to mention a couple of things. I know that the Trump campaign used your song Hallelujah, your your Leonard Cohen cover Hallelujah, And you were pissed about that, So I was curious about that too, like obviously your agents and managers or whomever get involved, right.

Yeah, yeah, I mean I was.

I mean I was pissed, but I think above pissed, I was more just sort of flabbergasted and completely you know shocks in the sense that just because it was also.

So weird how it was used, Like it wasn't just used as.

A rally, you know, ending thing where people are always shaking hands. He turned it into this sort of you know, group dance flash prayer moment of you know, seeking forgiveness, and.

And that just was Yeah, it was a horrified, shockedness. And then I was pissed, and then.

Yeah, I'm shocked and horrified. I'm first of all, I'm not Catholic or religious in any way, shape or form. I'm shocked and horrified when they use any sort of religious backdrop or there are people praying with him. I find that so offensive to real religion, Like I might have.

I have a little bit of a scoop for you, though, Oh great, regarding this, I don't think I've talked about this yet, but and it's sort of out there a little bit. But so that happened right and then and then and this is before he won the election.

Uh or yeah, I guess he won the election.

He won.

We're living in a we're living in hell. And answer your previous question, I'm in Canada right now.

I'm in Canada right now for real.

I mean, well, you're Canadian. I'm trying to become Canadian.

Okay, are you? Are you really in Canada where.

You I'm in Whistler, Yeah.

Okay, okay, we're both we're both in exile and probably will remain so for a few years.

But but what happened is that he won.

He won the election, and then one of the first visitors that he had was Justin Trudeau, the Prime Minister of Canada, our ex prime minister, And so he went down and I'd met Justin a couple of times, you know, on grinder and I'm just kidding. But anyways, so then I got a call a few days later from Justin Trudeau, the Prime minister, telling me that he said, I guy had this funny story for you, And so I answered

I also find it a bit surprising that Trump is aware of different covers of that song.

I know, no, well he is.

But then so then Justin said to him, yes, but you have to give Jeff Buckley some some credit, at which point Trump said, okay, well, maybe twenty minutes later, Trump walked up to Justin and said, you know, Rufus's version is really the best version, at which point Justin went, yes, it is the best.

Version so so so in terms of like Hallelujah.

Versions, I'm a total Trumpianda that's about it.

Yeah, well I'm god. I mean what an endorsement. Trump believes that yours is the best version of Halloween. Yeah you got that, I guess.

Yeah, yeah, No, that's the Yeah.

Look, I've been seeking that for years and it's all I've ever wanted, really is to be acknowledged as the greatest singer of Hellelujah.

Forget my operas, forget my children.

So let's talk dream requiem, because I know that you have. Jane Fonda is going to is she narrating it? Is that the proper terminology?

Yes, what it is is that I many years ago I discovered this amazing poem by Byron called Darkness, and he wrote it in eighteen fourteen, which was this year that there was this incredible insane earth not ealth quake.

What's another thing that we're about to.

Have economical volcano volcano okay, volcanic volcano that went off, that erupted, that went off in Southeast Asia, and the entire world was dark for a year.

There was no season, and everybody thought the world was ending. It was the year that they wrote that. Mary Shelley wrote Frankenstein's it was like the most kind of gothic.

Oh wow, yeah, and that was eighteen fourteen.

You said, yeah, it's the most got the gear except for this year. We we know eclipsed that. But so then you wrote that poem, so as I fell in love with the point. It's all about the end of the world and it's about like ecological collapse. And then I was composing this requiem mass and I decided to put them together. And I was maybe going to compose the music to the English words, but English is crap, and unless it's like rock and roll or rap, it

And I don't want to say trick.

Ploy where, you know, because the premier in Paris, and we had Meryl Streep there as the narrator, and our recording is available on Warner Classics. And yeah, Jane is doing it in La. Have you heard anything about how she got the job? Tell us, well, I i'd look Dan and Dane and I have I know your friends too up? Yeah, yeah, no, I I I mean I I'd run into her over the years here and there,

I don't know. I'm so white anyways.

I think I think it's jibe, but I'm also white. Who fucking knows.

Okay, we were doing something cool and it was weird, but uh so we're talking. And then I said to her, and I started talking about the Dream Requiem, and I said, you know, we did it. We did it in Paris with Meryl and and actually it's coming to La. We don't have a narrator yet, but it's going to come to Disney Hall. It's with the Master Corral and and and at the end of that little speech, Jane turned to me and she said, rufus, I'm doing it. I was like, excuse me. She's like, no, I'm gonna, I

Yeah, she's very precious.

Yeah yeah, and so I'm just I don't know, I felt very It's been one of the great great things in my life, in the midst of all of this darkness and stuff.

So when is this performance?

Performance is in la It's May the fourth at Disney Hall. It's also with the Master Correll, which is probably the greatest choir in America.

Yeah. I know who they are.

Yeah, I know they're amazing. And look, it's something you know, I don't. I don't in any way. Look as much as Trump likes to think that he rules the world, I kind of would like to say, well, maybe Trump, you exist. Because I wrote this Death Mass and it's premiering at the perfect time.

So You're just the backdrop to my music. So I'm kind of trying.

To turn it around because because it is eerie, how you know, just the whole you know, the apocalyptic dark.

You know, it's a perfect thing to be putting out right now. That's all I want to say.

Yeah, it's also you know, I was I don't know where I read this, what book. I read this in probably my favorite book, Letting Go. But it's about being like, you know, even in times of strife or when the world is a dark place, there are people who could create art and people who can thrive within the darkness and not off of the darkness. I'm not talking about

Yeah.

Well, I am very much fueled, as you said, not fueled by the darkness. But I am a how can I say this? I am attuned to that sensibility I work. I've always loved opera. I've always loved you know, written ballads and very intense music.

So I love so yes, artistically, I'm in.

I've been a very good place. But it was funny when you bring up the tech bros. Because they have no artistic sense whatsoever. I mean, what's so kind of horrific about that whole situation is that their idea of art is like them dressed as the Mona Lisa or something, you know, with like a banana in the background. You know, they just have no aesthetic sense or anything. So they're not even I don't know, like like artistically, they cannot be.

Yes, So it's up to me, right right, well artists, you know, yeah, to actually show up.

Yeah, And they think they're artists. They think they're artists, they think that they're.

They think they're artists though I mean they're.

Clearly they think they're everything.

Yeah right.

They think they're sexy too, which is pretty sure. Yeah.

Well, that's the most revolting part the the sex. The assumed sex appeal is so revolting. I mean, I can't think of anyone, any group of guys that are less fuckable than all of those guys. Talk to me about Dream Requiem, So tell me how you would. First of all, I hate this question when I'm asked how I would to describe one of my shows. But I'm gonna ask you without saying those words.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, No.

I look, I'm a big, as I said before, classical music fan, and I but the first piece that really got me going when I was thirteen was Verdi's Requiem the Composer of Verity.

He wrote this amazing requiem.

It's one of the great ones, and I just became obsessed with it and it sort of began my whole journey in that In that realm, it was a little freakish for my dad, especially, he's not a big opera fan to see, you know, his thirteen year old son in the corner in the dark with headphones on listening to you know, Day of Wrath and stuff like that. So I but I stuck it out, or everybody stuck

Yeah, I'm not anything at all.

Were you brought up Catholic or.

I was brought up Jewish? Actually you're brought up.

Okay, sorry, Okay, there you go, but I am not anything. I'm not even baptized Catholic. I was brought up in a Catholic environment. My mother was Catholic, and I went to Catholic school. And how was that Well, you know, it wasn't great in a sense, but it was really they really ingrained it and you in the sense that I was a little shocked when I went to compose it and I was working with all of those prayers, you know, the Latin mass.

Wow, just how fast.

It came out, and how how it's just like wired into into me, for better or for worse, probably more for worse in a lot of ways.

That's how I am with state capital those are to me.

Sounds nice.

So anyway, so I so I just started composing it and then.

And it just came out really fast, and and it's one of these things.

Where the idea came and then I so, okay, that sounds like a nice idea. I like to see to see if anybody is interested. And we asked Paris first, and then within two months there was ten commissioners, ten cities all over the world that wanted to do it.

There was a real kind of.

Need for it. It was right after COVID. So I think people were whatever, they were pretty.

Gloomy, yeah, and.

So, so I think they could relate to that. The other thing, which I don't do you know anything about the dog situation.

I don't know anything about anything.

Okay, well, okay, well this is this is interesting because you know the requiem is it's dedicated to two individuals. The first first one is dedicated to Verity the composer, because you know of that. But then the second dedication is to Puccini, whose most people would think is an op composer, which he is. But Puccini and I say this, and the thing used to be our little dog. We

And and so and we.

My husband and I, we had a little dog named Puccini, and so we dedicated it also to the to the little dog. So yeah, so so for there's a big dog element to the to the piece as well for dog lovers.

So if you hate opera, but it's.

A whole opera, right, it's not just one piece.

No, it's why it's one piece.

It's one only one piece.

Yeah, yeah, it's as Yeah, it's a mass and it starts with some of the poem and then it goes into the into the mass, like the choir sings all the religious mass stuff and then the poem is is recited by the narrator and at a certain point they intertwined. But it's it's seventy five minutes, like there's no intermission or any thing. It's just there. You're in and your out and yeah, so it's.

I'm very excited about it.

I mean I've been fighting years and years and years to make it into you know, the classical world, and it seems like I've done it with this piece of music, which is very exciting. Of course, right at the time that I did that, I wrote a musical in London

You always gotta have the door shut down on you at some point.

Well, a door shut down on you right before a different door opens.

Yeah, there you go. Yeah, you can never have just the door open.

And it's all thattliche because or well an adage I said, I suppose because it's true. I mean, that does happen. So talk to me about it artistically. How that how that makes you feel, like when you are rejected and then you are accepted into a different world, Like, how do you balance those emotions?

Yeah?

No, I look when I did the musical Opening Night, which which by the way, we did record and we're releasing it the soundtrack album, and it's the songs are great, and I think the piece was actually kind of great. It was just a little out there for it was based on the John Cassavetti's movie Opening Night. Anyways, So I was so depressed when that whole thing collapsed and to the point where you know, I had to go on medication and stuff like.

It was very it really, it was pretty dark.

I mean, there was a lot of other things happening, but that wast you know, kind of took me down.

And has that happened to you before professionally creatively.

It's happened to me once before. But but I but I didn't. I didn't kind of seek treatment for it. I was I just sort of nut white knuckled it through the whole thing. But this time I just needed a little bit of help and and I got it, and it was great, you know, I was able to

But yes, there was this gnawing sort.

Of sense which sort of limited me in my joy at the time of my greatest triumph.

Right, So, but let's talk about that, because I think that is very relatable to you know, not only people in the industry, but I think people you know a lot of things. You get good news or you get bad news, and it's hard to kind of pick yourself up from that.

And like, when you.

Look back at that time, do you think that there was anything you would have done differently or that you will do differently in the future if something like that were to happen again.

Well, I mean, look, I'm speaking of religions and stuff. I mean, I don't want to do it, but I guess, you know, you have to be sort of Buddhist about it and say, you know, you have to let go of that attachment and that kind of idea of being you know, fulfilled.

By your your ego or whatever. And so that's probably the wise way to do.

It, is just to not try to feel nothing a little bit in a sense or just being you know, very low key about it.

But you know, look, then I wrote.

Ten songs in my depths, in the depths of my sadness that I'm now going to put on a pop record, and and so it's also for an art I think that's actually more what I struggle with. It's just and that I've realized now in my fifties, is that there is this kind of machine that I've created where you know, I get depressed and then I write songs and then

Yes, I'm sure, I'm sure it is. I mean, that's the life of an artist typically, right.

And it's a good I mean, I think we're fortunate.

But but but when I see people, young people, especially when they're like, oh, I want to be an artist, and you know, my first.

Comment will usually say, well, you're not gonna you can't. You can't tell me you want to be an artist. You have to be an.

Artist, like like you just you are an artist and good luck.

Yeah, not easy, it's not easy.

No, it's not like anyone really takes care of you as an artist emotionally. And I'm not sure in what world you are taking care of emotionally unless it's by your spouse or you know, family. But at a certain point, when you go through all of the highs and lows of having any career, a public career, also, you start to learn to rely on yourself for your emotional well being.

You do?

Do you do it?

And like, yes, well that can be many people's responsibilities in your life. You actually just have to take the emotional burden of everything. It's your name on it, it's your failure or success, and then it's your pressure.

Yeah, and then it's and then in the end it's your glory when it comes to fruition. But at that glorious moment, there's always a little bit of there's always a chink in the armor. Oh it's uh yeah, yeah, which is it's the way it is.

It would be great to figure out a way and I'm good at this sometimes, but not full proof. To welcome the failure, to welcome the pain, you know, like bring it on, because every time you have a failure, we all know that something a rainbow is around the corner, like something happens.

Well, I mean I have a little thing to do with that, which I kind of relate to Yang and Yang where anytime I'm happy anytime I'm somewhat euphoric, I just always say, look, I'm going to take a little piece of this and hide it somewhere so that when I'm in the dark, I can, you know, pull it out and use it as a kind of flashlight.

So I saw it, but I think it's something you have to cognitively.

Do and practice.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah yeah.

All right, we're going to take a break and we'll be right back with Rufus Wainwright.

If you'd like advice from Chelsea, write into us at Dear Chelsea Podcast at gmail dot com. We'd love to hear your questions for any juicy story you'd like advice on. This week, we're specifically looking for questions about surrogacy and fertility issues, So if you've gone through IVF or are planning to, please write in at Dear Chelsea podcast at gmail dot com.

And we're back with Rufus Wainwright.

Hi.

Okay, we're going to take some callers. Rufus, Are you down? Are you ready to Yeah?

Yeah, okay, Well, before we get to advice, Rufus, I have to tell you that my husband, who's the engineer here, who was floating around here on the zoom.

You are actually the reason that we met. Oh really, in two thousand and five, I went to go see your concert at Ravina.

Oh wow, August in two thousand and.

Five, and I was going with a friend. We met at the friend's house ahead of time, and who should walk out but this streamy, tall guy. And here we are twenty years later.

Oh that's so sweet, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful.

I saw you Rufus at some small place in Santa Monica a few years ago, maybe not a few, maybe ten. It was really fun though. It was only like there's a small room with like one hundred people and everyone was getting down.

It was I think it was it was mccabes or something.

Yes, yes, yes it was.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Those are those are those are some Those are great shows. Those are fun shows.

All right.

Well, our first question is just an email, not a call.

So this question comes from Tina. Subject line is son's sexual preference.

You're Chelsea. I've been a fan of your podcast for a number of years. I love what you stand for and the advice that you give on your podcast. I listen every morning when I walk my dog before work.

I'm a forty seven year old.

Single mom with three children who are all grown. I like to think of myself as very open minded and progressive when it comes to most things. I've always made it very clear to my children that whatever road they choose and their sexuality is their choice and free from judgment.

And then this happened.

My twenty one year old son told me tonight that he's dating a trans person, a woman who has been transitioning to be a man. I maintained complete composure and acted cool, but inside I was really just feeling a little bit of turmoil.

I love that honesty. I maintained composure.

Yes, my son is the most beautiful, sweet, kind and best person ever, and all I want for him is to be happy. I've always known or suspected that he was gay or otherwise, but I guess I'm just scared for him, but at the same time so proud of him for just love having another human, regardless of their sexual identity or preference.

I guess I'm asking for help.

On navigating through our extended family, some of which, including my sister and her husband, are very conservative. My mama bear instincts are out, and I think I'm feeling more protective than judgmental for him, but also feeling a little.

Bit confused of my own feelings about the situation. Many thanks, Tina.

I think this is easy, Tina, Like, I don't think you have to make any proclamations or announcements to your family, like your extended family, like first of all, get to know your son's new love interest and spend time with them, and like and and just keep opening your heart and your mind because you're going to learn lots of things that you didn't know about, and that's going to really

Like preface or tell them before.

Let them deal with the situation and when it comes around, I would suggest just going I didn't think that was information that was necessary because you're protecting by telling your sister and her husband, who are more conservative, you're protecting them.

You're not protecting your son.

You're protecting their feelings and making sure they have all the cards. They don't need all the cards. This isn't their love life. This is your son's love life. So all you can do is show up for him in a really responsible and present way.

Rufus, what do you think?

Well, you know, I wanted to.

I totally agree with what you're saying, but I also want to sort of praise her for even being you know, open to stuff, because my mother might do. This was back in the eighties when she found out I was gay. She had a you know, a cigarette in one hen and a scotch and the other and she said, rufus,

Yeah, well perfect, we're perfectly, we're parenting perfectly. I also think like open, open, open, Just keep your mind open, like you're going to learn things. You're going to be surprised by the things you learn, and just be open hearted and open minded.

Be proud of yourself for being open.

Yeah, be proud of yourself, and just keep thinking like, you know, I understand the protective aspect, but like we're not there yet.

You don't have to.

Don't worry about your son's Your son's happiness is paramount to anything else.

Like, just be open to that and open to understanding his.

World, and that way, you're going to set the foundation for him to be always comfortable coming to you, talking to you about these things.

Talk.

You knew about these issues and you want to just you know, the last thing you want to be is shut out from any of that. So yes, just move forward with grace and open heartedness.

Yeah.

And I will also say, just like a tiny asterisk, I think she did a really good job just like containing any fear or confusing that she might imposing herself.

Yeah, composing herself.

But one tiny astreiss Tina is just on the sexual preference language.

You know, nowadays we say more.

Like sexual orientation, because it really is part of somebody's identity, not a choice really that they're making. And I think once you get to know this person, you know, I think the only scary thing is having not ever met a trans person. Once you get to know them, you're like, oh, they're just a person, you know, they just act like everybody else.

They're just That was a and a sort of end of my mother's story, which is kind of nice and maybe it softens it a bit, as you know. When she was when I finally did come out to her, we were in Paris and she went to Notre Dame Cathedral and.

She was brought up cast.

So she went and she prayed, and she claims that she got a message from somewhere that says, you know, Rufus is like any other person.

You just have to treat him like any other person.

And it is that message I think that comes out eventually the world's as people.

And that's it.

Yeah, with that message that needs to be transmitted to the entire world.

Yes, yes, that a human being is a human being, regardless of anything else.

Yes.

Well, our next question comes from Amber. Amber says, Dear Chelsea, I met someone in the coolest way. We met in a hot tub in Michigan. I live in Washington and he lives in New York. He's my best friend and he totally gets me. I never thought i'd meet someone like him. I know he is the one. I have a great career in Washington and a fantastic community and friends. He has two kiddos and not the best job prospects where he lives. I'm so torn because I love my life,

Hi, Amber, this is Rufus Wainwright, our special guest today.

Hi.

That's so cool.

Okay, So you fell in love in a hot tub in Michigan. You don't want to leave Washington because your.

Whole life is there. Yeah? And what state is he in?

He's in New York?

Oh, Okay, so you'd have to move to New York. What part of New York.

Like rural northern New York like close to the Canadian border.

Oh okay, well that is a pickle because we're not talking about any major city here.

Yikes.

I mean that could be good to be close to the border for other reasons.

How far is it from Montreal?

Well, we actually went to Toronto, like last month.

Oh oh was there Toronto? Okay?

Okay, yeah, like he drove, he drove like four hours to Toronto and then I.

Saw four hours to Toronto. Okay, that is that is far?

Yeah.

I mean listen, if you're in love and you know it and you feel it and you're forty and you're ready to take a plunge for somebody, then you gotta do what you got to do. I wouldn't want to move there, but I'm not in love with anyone that lives there.

That is so true. But like you know, I have like this whole community here. I bought a house, my friends are here, my job is here. Although well I have a job in a few months, I don't know because it's grant funded.

Lovely sure.

And now I assume that like he can't move because of the kids, right, like a custody situation.

How old are the kids?

Eleven and two?

Uh two?

Well?

That that's another doozy. You're gonna raise a two year old with him?

I mean I used to work with kids. I love kids. I just I don't want kids. And then he doesn't want anymore. He's had of p stectomy. It's fantastic, Like I don't have to worry about it.

Yeah, he sounds like a good, good option minus the legitigo.

Are you interested in and started being in a child's life and in the major waven though it's not your own?

Is that interest you or totally?

I have a lot of with kids, and I love their kids and I love being like the best friends auntie, you know, but I don't want to be their mom. They have moms.

They're good.

Okay, So if you lose your job in a couple of months, say that happens, you know, I hope it doesn't happen. But say that does happen, Does that would that make it easier.

For you to move to New York?

Yeah?

I mean it would.

It's just I think it's not even more, not even about the job or the location. It's just when you're at my age, it's harder to you know, make friends and build this community. And I have like built this amazing friendship in a community of people here, and it's taken a while to build that, right, and then you go to rural New York and you don't know anybody, it's going to be really hard to make those friendships.

And you can't just keep it long distance. For the time being.

We are, Yeah, we're making plans. We're seeing each other like every other month or so. We talk every night, and we've kind of built like little things that are special to us for being a long distance so I could. I told him, I said I could do this for about a year. But then that's it. I'm done.

What do you when you say you built little things? What does that mean? Like, what's an example of built little things?

Yeah, so, like every morning I send him a picture of what I'm wearing to work that day, just like every day, I.

Always your dick pic. It was our fun actually, but only from sometimes.

I've never wanted them before actually, but now I'm.

Like, oh, I'm still waiting to meet the guy that makes me want to see a dick pick.

So I never I never thought I would be that way either, Chelsea, seriously, but he's it.

Is you are in love.

Is there a way for you to go there for like two months or three months, like an extended vacation so you have a sort of a sense of what a long just being there over like a week is, Like I wish.

I'm gonna The nice thing is I'm actually going to go next month to like see where he lives and see the neighborhood and just see what it would be like for like the weekend. Because of my job, I'm a program director and they need me in the office to handle my staff. It'd cool if I had like a remote job and could kind of be bi coastal.

Well, I think that you should definitely a if you're okay with this for a year, great, take a year, Take a year, go see his neighborhood, and the next time you're going there and spend the weekend there. But you have to plan a time where you're going to spend a longer duration of time there in this year that you're talking about, And if you do lose your job, then that opens you up to get a job where you can be by coastal.

So then you can have the best of both worlds.

Because is there a situation where you would keep your house in Washington and then also kind of go back and forth if you had a by coastal job.

I mean, that's what you mean, and right, Yeah, I think.

I could totally manage that. I have a dog, but I have a place where she could go that she loves, so like I could, I could make it work for a couple of years if I wanted to.

Yeah, I think that's what you should do.

I wouldn't make any rash decisions just yet, you know what I mean.

Just start spending time there.

Spend as much time there as you can so you can really get a feel for the place and see if that excites you, Like, are you going to be okay living there? Hopefully you can just be by coastal because I think so many long distance relationships are successful

Start to resent their dick pics.

Yeah, we're going to start to resent his dick pics.

But because how many how many months have you guys been seeing each other now as we speak.

So that's it's complicated because I've known him for a year and but when we've been talking and seeing each other, but we've kind of like made it official like last month sometime.

Okay, yeah, so give it some more time. Please just be smart about it. You're forty years old, You're not gonna I just want you to look at that community that you built, you know, in Washington, like as a very sacred thing.

Like a lot of people yearn for that. A lot of people don't have that.

So I really want you to make sure you like that's more valuable, in my opinion, in your life than anything or any love affair.

That is your community and that is your group.

So just be very respectful of that and don't toss it away lightly.

Oh no, I wouldn't. Yeah, No, I have been so lucky and blessed with my friendships and the friends that I have, They've they've really stepped up, Like I've had surgeries and they've stepped up to help with my dog and me and just I just feel so lucky to have what I have here. And that's why it's not so easy as it might be for some people to be like, oh, it's not a big deal, I'll just go, I'll just move. And it's like I have everything here, you know.

Okay, Well just keep that in mind with everything, right, Like, put that at the top of your list. That is at the top of your list. Even your love affair is number two. Yeah, so remember that.

I will. Yeah, No, that's super helpful to hear. I really appreciate it because I've been really stuck. But I will say, Chelsea, you are the reason I'm not married.

Well, thank you. I appreciate that kind of feedback.

Oh.

Like I always thought when I was like in my twenties, I had to you know, get married and let a man take care of me. And I realized now I'm like, I take care of myself. I can pay my own bills, and I can buy my own house, my own car, and I can be the breadwinner.

Yeah, rufus and I were just talking before you came on about taking care of ourselves emotionally as artists, right, And I think this is also a good kind of point of interest to talk about, is.

That women are We're all.

Able to take care of ourselves in every very possible way, yet we're always looking for someone to lean on for whether it's financially or emotionally or spiritually, like we want someone who knows more than we do or that we can go to when we have the capabilities within us to take care of ourselves in every way. So I think that's it's a great reminder, and I think a lot of women who are listening today are going to respond to that and think about are they taking care of themselves?

Have they built a life that they want for themselves? Because we all have the ability to do that.

It's about going to a place that you love, you know, building your community, building your friendships.

That does take time.

It doesn't happen instantly, not for everyone anyway.

And certainly I'm sure not for you. Right. Did it happen right away or did it take time?

I definitely like took time where I realized, like, oh I can buy a house, I can I can do it on my own. And I phenomenon since I was like sixteen, So it took a while to like figure out that I didn't need a man to like rescue me, that I could just rescue myself and I can do it all and it will be fine. And it's been great. I love my life, like I said, you know, and I don't need someone to pay my bills because I can pay them, you know. I can do it all and I don't need anybody else. But it's the it'd

Great.

It's just like having that best friend that's just walking alongside you in life.

Absolutely, and they can walk alongside you, you know, across the country. It's not like you're across the world for the time being anyway. So right, you know, walk just picture each other walking, Picture him and you walking towards each other at a very slow pace.

I love it.

Yeah.

Okay, well that sounds like you've got a plan.

You're gonna wait a little bit, You're gonna wait a year, figure it out, spend some.

More time there, and we're in agreement. We're all in a cord.

Okayyy Okay, great, love it.

Thanks for calling him.

Thank you, you want to have a good day. Bye.

Well, she was probably the most sensible person that we've had call in for advice ever.

Yes, An, FYI I want someone to pay my bills.

I know I'm at the point where I would also like that too, rufus. Let's fucking be honest. I've been paying my bills and a lot of other people's bills for a really fucking long time, and I would like to commingle funds with another very wealthy person.

Well, our next caller is Katie. Katie is thirty five. She says, you're Chelsea.

I know I'm not the only one in this situation, but it sure feels that way sometimes. I have one sibling, my twin brother, who's married and they've blessed me with a nephew and a little niece, so that relationship factors into my question. Because it's just my brother and I. I haven't spoken to my mom or dad. He's more just collateral damage since I can't get to him without

We've since split for.

Other reasons, but it doesn't change how she acted. After giving her too many chances, I finally cut contact, and honestly, my life has been better for it. Here's the problem. She just turned seventy, and I know time isn't infinite. I feel at peace. Was staying no contact with the idea of getting that call one day where it's too late makes me wonder while I regret not trying, am I just grieving the mother I wish I had? Or should I make some sort of move before it's too late?

Hi, this is Rufus Wainwright, our special guest today. First of all, I find that kind of behavior, like any sort of racist, misogynist kind of anything that falls under that umbrella, to be kind of unforgivable. You can learn and make mistakes and come back that and that's fine, But if that's just the way you're going to be, and that's your attitude, so I think that what you could do to just get your feelings down on paper is to write, like, now that you're not in the relation, should ship to.

Let her know? Does she know that you're not in the relationship anymore?

Yeah, she did.

My brother let them know.

But a little bit of a plot twist, we have gotten back together, so it's a.

Little still the issue.

Oh okay, great, Yeah, which is great for me. Yeah.

I mean, I'm so happy and my brother and his family are really supportive of us, and so, you know, I'm just I don't know, I just feel like I'm in this weird I was going along fine and then all of a sudden, it was like I just when she turned seventy, I was just like, oh my god, I had this weird pressure, like I need to do something. I don't know, But I'm so curious what you think about if it's okay to just stay. I mean, if I had it my way, I would just continue the

I think you have an opportunity to write down how that made you feel, and to write down kind of like now that you're looking back at the situation, regardless that you got back together, that's great.

Good for you.

I'm glad you guys worked it out. But just pond reflection now that you've had time. How long has it been since you you said November twenty twenty one, right,

Like you were my mother.

You were supposed to love me unconditionally for the rest of my life and support me and guide me. And to find out that my mother had these feelings about someone makes me question everything I was raised with. You know, this makes me question the kind of person I am. I believed in you, I believed in you.

And Dad, and the fact that.

This issue in this day and age, is keeping you from me, like however you want to frame it, but like use that as a kind of measuring stick to really just get all of your thoughts out so that they're not weighing on you so much, and put it over to her, send her an email with no expectations.

Okay, but yeah, I mean you hit the nail on the head as far as my feelings about Yeah, like I have mommy issues, but like as an adult, I feel like it's very it was so jarring when that all happened.

And yeah, and also to maybe to posit a question like I would also love to understand how you can do you still feel this way? Do you really feel differently about your daughter? Like, help me understand how you were raised and what you were made to believe, so that I can gain a better understanding of where you are right now. Throw her some questions that she can actually have to answer for herself, and then she's really gonna have to contemplate how do I explain feeling this way?

Okay?

I love that advice.

It seems so on the nose to like write a letter and that's usually how you know. I but that makes a lot of sense, and I think it would get I think there's some leftover feelings that have come to the surface and I really like that idea of just writing it down. I don't even need to send it to her, but at least having yeah, you know, hitting it on paper.

I really like that idea. Put it on paper.

And if you do send it to her then and then and you never hear back from her, then that's your answer. And if you do and you never know, you never know when people in their old age what kind of like realizations they come to and and places that they go to. You might be surprised, but don't expect anything. Just just try to exhaust what's inside of you with relation to losing your mom in the way that you have, because it's kind of unforgivable, you know, like that is really hurtful.

Yeah, I would just say that. And this is more for way down the line from now. You're obviously a young, young person who leaves compared to me, so there's you've got some time on your hands, which is great, but but it's.

One hundred and seven by the way.

Yeah, and I'm a dead composer. So anyways, but I you know, I have a lot of friends who are and I'm you know, fifty one to admit it, but I have friends who are older now in my age, and who who are still who have not spoken to their parents in many, many years. And there's a distinct difference between those who eventually and this is not in terms they never got in touch with their parents again, you know, like it was over.

Like if that happens.

And I don't believe you have to you know, even see your parents if you have problems with them, but you kind of have to forgive them at some point in your heart, you know, however you can, you know, I just see a lot of older people who like never really who kind of held onto this resentment towards their parents that abused them, and it was like it really I would just be mindful of that down the line.

Yeah, that's the thing to say about forgiveness as an inside job sort of thing.

Yeah, And that's part of the process of healing yourself is just to exhaust those thoughts and those emotions and even when they come up for you, even though it may feel like, oh, like, I can understand a dynamic where you your partner doesn't understand how you or or you know, you not understanding your mother's reaction or having difficulty with it with relationships, or your partner, Like, I can understand that that might be weird too, to even be like, oh god, it's so disappointed, or I miss

You know, yeah, no, I love this advice, and it's very validating.

I think, just hear it.

You know, sometimes I'm like, am I being dramatic? But it feels it's like you know, which I think is a normal response in these situations. It's for me to feel like I'm overreacting, but no, it's it has been unbelievably devastating and difficult. And then you know, now that I'm feeling better and have healed a lot, I think, you know, I'm like, maybe I should dive back in that pool, but yeah, I.

Don't think that's the right way to go about it.

I love that idea of just writing it down. And also, Chelsea, I appreciate this is the worst thing that's ever happened in my life. I've never would have pictured this, and I don't have that idea of you know, it's.

Not just one and done.

Is really helpful to remember that it's a process.

Yes, I'm going to just get I'm not gonna.

Just wipe it away and make it go away.

Well, everyone always thinks when they're going through something like, oh I thought I was over that. Why is this hitting me again? Why is this hitting me again? It was just a week ago. I thought for sure, I'm done with this. That's the way grief happens. That's the way like emotions work. They kind of slowly drizzle out, but you have to give them the proper amount of respect and attention when they do come up, right.

So Yeah, Also, just to address the emotions that you're feeling about, feeling selfish or feeling like.

You're being too extra.

I think that when you're in a relationship with someone like this who's not caring for your feelings, some people like this will injure you and then treat you like you're being too sensitive because you're bleeding and like you made a decision to move farther away from the source of those injuries.

And I think that's totally fine.

Just remember like, it's not your fault for being too sensitive.

That's that's the one.

That's the one a lot of people use, is like hyper sensitive sort of thing. You made the right choice for you at the time, and there might be a different choice in front of you.

I love that.

Thank you.

Yeah, yeah, thanks for calling in.

Yeah, thank you so much, you guys.

Yeah for sure, Katie.

Bye, Okay, we're going to take a break and we're going to be right back, and we're back with Rufus Wainwright, who has a big show coming up in La on May fourth.

Dream Requiem. It's called Where's the show? Rufus.

It's a Disney Hall downtown.

That's such a beautiful venue.

No, I'm very excited about it. Yeah, very excited.

How does one rehearse for that? Do you go in or earlier that day and rehearse?

Oh no, there's about there's about three days of rehearsals with the orchestra and the course, not a ton of time because it's so expensive. The great thing about Disney Hall though, with me in this project is that I had composed the piece Dream Requiem, but it wasn't quite finished, and I went to see a concert beforehand at Disney Hall. And when when I got in there, I know they have one of the most amazing organs in the world at Disney Hall. It's this insane instrument that it looks

So whatever, I just feel very fortunate.

Yeah, that's gorgeous, beautiful. Yeah, okay, well awesome.

Well we do we have anything else, Catherine? Or are we good?

I mean, I do have one little quickie if you want to, let do a quick close out for sure. All right, fantastic. So our last question today comes from Casey. Casey says, you're Chelsea. I'm twenty eight and in a new relationship with a guy for three months. Recently, my boyfriend read my private journal without my permission, and in my journal I had written some things that weren't complimentary about him. I love him very much, but also sometimes I just need to vent in my own private journal.

I ended up apologizing because I was so caught off guard.

But now I feel weird about it, and I feel like I don't have a safe space to write my personal thoughts anymore. I also feel like I can't trust that he won't read my journal again. Additionally, after this happened, he went and told his friends and other people about what I wrote, which felt really embarrassing and invasive because I also wrote about some personal things I was going through. Is this a big red flag or am I being dramatic? Casey, No, that's a big red flag.

Huge.

You gotta get far away from this person.

Yeah, now that's an invasion of privacy, Like that is a reason to actually end a relationship. Yes, you can't go through other people's private things. You just can't do that.

Yes, And I mean like to blame you for just being able to that's crazy.

Absolutely, he's first of all, if you read someone's like you don't, that's supposed to be a secret. And then yeah, and then he said double it's like a double whammy. He did that, and then he wants to be mad at you about it.

No, and then he tells his friend and then he tells his friends about it, which is it's like a triple thing.

Yeah, exactly, It's unbelievable.

You're writing, where are you supposed to express yourself if you if it's not a safe place to write in your journal. Yeah, this guy's no, that's a red flag. Break up with him as soon as you can. Problematic for sure. Okay, Rufus, thank you so much for being here today. It was great talking to you.

And yes, it's great to see you again.

Yeah, and I hope I see you in person sometime soon.

Yes, Yes, we'll try try to come on May the fourth. If you're a figure out and Jane's going to be amazing made the fourth.

I would be there. I would come if I'm in La. I have to look at my calendar and see if I'm in town on Meg.

In maya okay, okay.

Bye bye, do do do do do drum roll, Catherine please, Chelsea Handler Abroad. Abroad is my European tour. So I'm coming to obviously find.

A husband abroad.

I need to get the health out of this fucking country, and it's not as easy as you think. So I'm coming to Rekuvik, I'm coming to Dublin. I'm coming to the UK. I'm coming to Brussels, Paris, Belfast in May and June, I'm coming to Oslo. Stockholm to Copenhagen, Manchester, London, Glasgow, New Zurich, Vienna. I've never ever been to Vienna, Berlin, Barcelona and Lisbon.

I'm coming abroad is abroad.

That sounds like fun. I'm going to go see you abroad.

I I know I want to go see me abroad and there all be there all be excellent.

Do you want advice from Chelsea?

Right into Dear Chelsea Podcast at gmail dot com. Find full video episodes of Dear Chelsea on YouTube by searching at Dear Chelsea Pod. Dear Chelsea is edited and engineered by Brad Dickert executive producer Catherine Law and be sure to check out our merch at Chelseahandler dot com