Commitment Issues

your breast. Today, I walk up the stairs, so I went to the house before we recorded today, and you're just standing there like presenting yourself peacocking, and it's very hard for me not to be enamored with your boobs. Well, it's hard for me to only be enamored by a gay man for my looks and my boobs. I mean, it's out of men going to get what we want.

I don't know. I don't know. The way that I was getting men that I wanted was by inappropriate behavior, which is not which is forbidden now, So like you can't even guys aren't even they're pretty much too scared to even hit on us right now, so like there's not a lot of action happening. And and by the way, keep it that way outside of that dress and there will be action happening. You look like for anyone listening who gets this reference, she looks like a sexy miss

Honey today from Matilda. I mean, it's like an amish dress, but you somehow make it sexy. Thank you, thank you, sweetheart. I appreciate that. I just want to build you up. I had a rough night in my bed last night. Bert fell out of the bed last night. Yeah. Well, first let me tell you I last it was a lot. It was a loud thump, and I was like, oh god, you must have broken an arm. Of course I didn't get up because I was like, he'll figure it out. But so soft, it doesn't matter. His bones aren't like

you know, they're not brittle, they're just like soft. Also, but I was sleeping and I felt like this hangnail on my finger and I remember just lifting my arm out off of the bed and reaching out for somebody to clip that was going to come in manicure. In that moment, yeah, I thought somebody was just gonna like you were there and you were going to clip a hang or somebody was in my dream materialized and then I realized that my arm was up. I was like,

what are you doing? I was like, oh, this fucking hang. Now. I have those little things in bed sometimes where it's such an irritation and it's so minor, like I will rub in between my eyebrows and if I feel one of those really coarse unit brow hairs, I will have to get out of bed to go pluck it before I can fall asleep. Oh yes, of course, but well I did because I don't have a hair in between my eyebrows that's growing currently because I'm forty six, So

that river stopped. Did you get that lasered off? Probably? Yeah, that might be why it's not growing. Also, thank you for reminding me, sweetheart. I mean, I've done laser hair removal two rounds, but rounds and nothing works in the middle of your eyebrows. No, I want to do my eyebrows, but you can't. You can't pluck them for months, like you just have to shave it. And I'm not going to be some who shaves their eyebrows. Just keep your

eyebrows going. Anybody who sucks with their eyebrows is making a mistake because when you get older, they don't come back. Just hold onto your eyelashes and your eyebrows. The best thing I did in my adult life was letting my eyebrows grow, and because I had very gay eyebrows for a while and now they're what are they now? They are big Italian eyebrows. But it looks like you're peacocking with your eyebrows. I don't have breasts. I could I kind of do a little bit. Now, yeah, you do.

You have a little booby action, not like I do. But nobody, no one, no one has that sort of action. I just feel like we've done such good work here lately, and I don't want we can't. We can't pat ourselves on the back like that. It's too obnoxious. It excites me to come in here, I know, right, yes, maybe that's the what I mean that excites me. That we've gotten to speak to people, and every time we sit down and studio, I'm like, who are we going to

talk to you today? Well, also that we've had such serious issues come in right, I mean the other day. I mean, we drove home the other day and we were like, oh my god, these are serious issues. So it's good that we have kind of a cabal of like people to bring in for certain people, because I think we are a little bit out of our league in some of these areas. I thought these were just going to be typical advice giving and some of them

are a little bit more deep. But I like that we're smart enough to know that they were, like, hey, leardering someone else. And when we do need to bring somebody else in, we will, And when we just need to be sweethearts together, that's what we'll do. Also, we're going to take a break right now and we're going to be right back. I think we should just get

right into it today. I would really like to start tackling some of these issues because today is all about commitment issues, and I think we both have our own perspectives on these. Well, you're in a committed relationship and I'm not. Well, there you go. That's very telling. Our first mission comes from Kaylee, She writes, Dear Chelsea, I have an important question for you. Nearly two years ago, I got out of a ten year relationship. It was

very hard, but the right thing to do. I'm in a good place now, well as good as I can be living at home with my parents during a global pandemic. I have a great job that I love, and I'm lucky enough to have comfortable income. I have wonderful friends, and I'm able to chase passions in my spare time like skiing. Oh that's good, Kaylee. So on the question, how do I know if I'm ready for love again? I think the idea of marriage insane after the ship

that I went through. I honestly can't see myself being with someone, but I don't want to be closed off either. How do I learn to trust again? How do I decide if and when I need a partner in my life? I mean, this is something that everyone goes through after a breakup. So yeah, yeah, yeah, she on the phone. Hi, Hi Kyley. Hi. First of all, what kind of spelling is that? Are you Nordic or it's Gaelic? Gaelic? That's what I met, Gaelic Nordic. Yeah the fuck Brandon. Hi, Kayley,

It's nice to see you. How are you doing good? Thanks? How are you? We're well? Thank you? How long have you been single? Almost two years in July? Huh? You look nice? You look nice and sweet? Why did it end. The best way to sum it up is I read the definition of what it is to be gaslighted about a year later and was shook. So I think it was just that kind of situation where the reality that we all live in wasn't the reality that he was trying to reflect. So really happy to be out of it.

But the thing that's happening now is people keep asking me, well, when are you going to do something about your situation? I'm like, what do I ask to do? That's because people are fucking unoriginal and they don't have anything more interesting to ask you than to say, when are you going to have a new boyfriend? What's going on? Are

you dating? I can't tell you how many times. I mean even now, it's like know me less, like that is not part of my identity who I'm dating, or that's not my main agenda in life is who I'm dating. I have a sister in law Russian. Her name is Olga, and she every time I come home, she said, don't see any men an I'm like, Olga, I don't want to talk about men on my vacation with my family, Like that's the least of my worries, you know, so I understand how annoying it is to be asked that

question over and over and over again. But people just don't have any original questions to ask, because then if you're with someone, then it's the next question is when are you's gonna get married? And then when you get married, it's when are you going to have a baby. The bigger issue here is that people think your identity only comes from being with someone, and when you're with them, how that dynamic embodies who you are, Like you're You're

a full person outside of that relationship. That's why relationships like you need to maintain some autonomy in a relationship. I hate when people couple you together. That's like, oh, the Johnson's whomever. It's like no, no no, no. Or women, I mean, this is so terrible. But women who write in their Instagram bio like wife to so and so. It's like, that's how you want to identify yourself? No,

I know, I hear you, I hear you. I think it's important for you to maintain like your single dom in a way where you're not expecting it to go in any direction. Like to be open minded means you're open for anything that's unexpected. Any change. You're open minded to being single, if that's the road you're supposed to go down. You're open minded to dating, and you're open minded to having a relationship, like a more serious relationship.

And if you live like that where it's not dependent, like you know, some people are desperate to find someone and that just ends up defining them in the wrong way, right, like why do you need another person so badly? So as long as you're like celebrating your single dom in the right way, a, people are gonna be attracted to that. You know, people are interested in that in independence, and you're more likely to find the type of guy that you're going to be attracted to if you're really into

being you know, your true authentic self. Kayley, are you dating at all? No, not at all, Not in a while. I just it was it's it's just not where I wanted to put the energy in my life. I wanted to have fun at work, have fun friends. Yeah, a good way to say that. I like the way you

said that. Well, thanks. Yeah, there's a confidence that comes with that of knowing that you don't have to be fulfilled by anyone, that you're giving yourself the fulfillment that you need either with an activity, skiing, with work, whatever that looks like for you. But there's also an element of those minor interactions that you could go on a date without confidence and not worry if there's going to be a second day, that you make the decision like, oh,

I'm actually not into this guy at all. Like that's powerful, and knowing that I don't need you gives you a lot more space to interact with people without the burden of where is this going to go? Yeah, I couldn't agree with that more. And I find it it took away from my life instead of adding to it. And it's just all the wrong reasons. And I find people kind of put you on their track of what they want you to do, who they want you to be, and I just am not interested in that in any way,

shape or form, right exactly. And that's the important thing is not to let yourself be defined by what others expect from you, Right, Who gives a ship what others expect from you? It's what do you expect from you? And also you know when you get out of a relationship where there is an unhealthy attachment. I remember I broke up with this one boyfriend, and we had this

really volatile relationship for years. It went on on and off and on and off, and everyone was just like all our friends were like, shut up already, you know you too, just like break up already. And I just wanted to dream of the time where I wouldn't be heartbroken. I just wanted to think of the time I go. I just want to be so fiercely single that this

person doesn't affect me at all. You know that there's no tether to him and I. When I got there, I remember reminding myself, like, oh my god, this is where you've been hoping to be for so long. And sit in this and enjoy this moment, you know, enjoy the freedom of not being tethered to somebody who is giving you bad vibes. I love that it seems like you know exactly kind of where you're at and what

you want. So I don't know that there's much advice that we can give you, because it seems like you are operating in the way that we've We've had this a similar discussion with many callers, and they really don't know how to reconcile where they're at. But it seems like you know and have great confidence in your positioning personally probably professionally right now that you don't need you really don't need any advice from us, Like you know you're doing the right thing. Well, I think your take

is so different than the average person. So I feel like I get so much pressure and that's the first thing people ask when they see me. So it's just nice to hear it from people who are kind of understanding of that, because that's not the reality I live in right now. And I know people just want to make conversation, but it's the worst. Can I ask where you don't have to give us a specific but where are you in the US? Like Midwest? Are you on

a coast? I'm in Canada, Okay, So, like I always think when I hear of these types of things, I'm from the Midwest. And again, there's like a very specific trajectory of life for women that they're married with kids by certain age, and I think that you have to be able to enter those conversations with like a confidence and authority of like this is where I'm at, Like I don't, I don't need this. You need to kind of put it back on them, like why would you

think that I need a man. Make them think about what they're asking, how ridiculous it is, Like, why do I need that? That's a really good point. I never thought to do that. And also like, you don't want anybody who's ever going to take away, right, you only want an additive. All my friends are like, Chelsea, you're so picky. Your standards are so high. I go, they can be. I'm fine without a man, so they can be as fucking high as I want them to be.

And until somebody fulfills those standards that it's not going to happen because I'm perfectly happy being alone. Also, I love that. And you're also never alone. I'm never alone. No, no, I'm never alone, not when I'm raising the two parents I mean two parents parents. I was raising my parents and they both died, so that's how great of a parent I am. And now I have two dogs who will probably transition into the afterlife after I raised them.

But you hear what we're saying, yes they do. Can Will you let us know if and when you do start dating and what that's like for you and what sort of men are out in the Canadian pond, because sweetheart, you know I don't know if you're aware, but she now has a home in Canada, so we're gonna need to find her some prospects. Yeah, I need a mountain man. I need a big, strong Canadian mountain man who's gonna

flip me over and spin me around. Okay, Well, we're gonna manifest this for you somebody and Albert our BC we can do it. Okay, Well, if he's out there, yeah, yeah, we'll manifest, will manifest together, will manifest both of our future lovers. Yes, might could just be a dog though, or something like that, doesn't have to be an actual person. A dog is a great addition to anyone's life. That's always an enhancement. That's what you want from a man,

and that's what you'll get from a dog. There's gonna be a nice little pick me up in life. Take you out. You have company, and you don't really have to answer to them, so even better. That's that's the advice. Go get a dog. Perfect by Kaylee, Thank you, thank you. I It is true though, when I come home and I see Bert and I just think, like when I come home to the house and there's no one, they're just the dogs. There is a feeling of happiness and

comfort that is just like lifts me. You know, that is like, oh it's yeah, it's so closy, and I could sit with him for fucking forty minutes and rub him and rub his belly. You know. It's the lack of pressure in that situation where there there's love and interaction, but there's no expectation. Yeah, there's no there's no one I have. My friend just left her husband and she's like, oh God, it's so nice not having to cook dinner. I'm like, cook dinner. What are you in my coup

is preparing dinner for their husband. She's like lots of women, Chelsea, And I'm like, okay, well, there's one thing about single dumb well A I can't cook even for myself, so I wouldn't be cooking for another person unless he had no taste buds or an all egg white diet. Egg whites, turkey and protein shakes is what I pay sickly subsisting on. Ever since I saw c Spiracy, she seems like she's

going to be just fine. So it's an interesting mix of people who submit or call in because I think a lot of people know exactly where they're at and they just want someone they want Yeah, they want somebody to give them the sign stamp of approval, right, And that's what we're here for. Sometimes, sweetheart, Sometimes the heavy lifting isn't up to us, It's up to the caller. Well, let's see what Emily's got going on. She is a

year old from Maryland. She works in healthcare, and she writes, Dear Chelsea, I have a thirty two a cup at a hundred and thirty six pounds, so this is out of my wheelhouse. I used to weigh two hundred pounds and my boobs were the same size a girl. Small boobs and no ass means no sex life. I've considered a fat transfer, bread segmentation. I've considered breast and plants. I've considered being flat chested until I die. I've had two plastic surgeon consultations. But I want your advice. My

family and friends are on board. I'm just afraid of breast and plant illness. What happens if and when I get pregnant and do or don't breastfeed? Okay? Great, Emily, Hi, Hi, how are you. I'm good, I'm good. How are you doing? Doing? Really good? Okay, so talk to us about your body situation. So, my boys, as I like to call them, because they're not girls, very very small. I've been flat chested pretty much my whole life. Like you guys were saying, I was two hundred pounds at one point in my life.

Boobs stayed the same size, like I was, just like flat and then big round stomach, no ask nothing. Oh my god, so you got big. You got big like that, and your breast didn't get bigger with you nothing. That's a real kick in the ass. So I lost all this weight and then still am somewhat confident, but not like fully confident, just because I wish I looked more like a female had big boobs, could strut into a

bar and like people would notice me. So yeah, I just wanted to ask you if you had a small chest, what do you think you would do well? I always I admire people with small chest because it's so not

I mean, I got my boobs so prematurely. They came on the scene when like overnight once summer when I was old, and I literally woke up some guy put his arm around me in a movie theater, and I'm convinced that gave me my period because and seriously he gave The next morning, I said to my sister and her sorority sister was at our house and Martha's viniar, and I said, I got my period. And my sister gave me to her best friend, Audrey, and she's like, Audrey,

will you help her? She got her period, and Audrey started showing me how to use Anyway, Listen, I got my period of my boobs came in overnight. Okay. So the point is, I've never had small breast, but I always admire small breast because it's such a nice look that I've never had experience with. So I like that look. But I understand that you, having had small breast, your

entire life are probably over it. So let's talk about that. Well. Well, And I was just gonna say that the different perspectives are so interesting from an outside listener because what you're describing and your definition of being womanly and that you want to have this chest because to some degree embodies feminism. Chelsea has had that, and she's spoken about this lot, but she had an X who said they weren't elegant

because they were basically too big. So it's interesting. You're two different perspectives on what it means to have these breasts and how it must feel for a woman who has them and who does not their viewpoint on other women's bodies. Yeah, you're always like, it's you're just looking at what the grass is. Great, You're right, So that's the thing. So if you're really thinking about it, you've had two consultations, so you're really considering it obviously, and

everyone's supportive of that decision. Yeah, they are in your family and stuff. Yeah, I mean, it's obviously not a decision I can make for you. But I would say I understand when people want to fix things about their bodies like that. They don't like I've done that. I have done that. I've had laser. I had a full body laser once. I mean I've done some crazy ship So yeah, I understand wanting to do that. And I think if you've really thought about it long and hard,

then you have your decision there. You know you've done all the due diligence, you've gotten a second opinion, you know you're weighing like all the options, and you're thinking about what the future holds if you do get that surgery, which is really smart. You're thinking about breastfeeding and infection, and I think those are all questions obviously for your doctor, so that they could answer them more soundly than I can.

Because as a reminder in this episode, I'm not a doctor, but I wish I was, so I have to constantly remind people that I'm not a medical professional. But I think you have made your decision, and I think you're on the right track to do that. But you want to be mindful about your expectations. I think well, and I think that women should do whatever they want with their bodies. And if this is going to bring you joy and security in your body, then that's all that

really matters. But the confidence aspect, like how you said, like I have confidence, but maybe it's not what I want, Like this is just something to enhance what you already have, Like you're beautiful because we can see you, and this should be something that when you get dressed in the morning, like you do for yourself, that when you look at yourself, like, okay, I feel I feel better about how I look naked,

Like that's why I work out. I don't care so much what other people are seeing when I look at myself in the eye want to feel good about it. So as long as the expectation is that you're doing this for you, not for how other people perceive you, you can't really go wrong in your decision. Yeah, I agree with it is how you perceive yourself and not

what others think. And I don't think it was ever like that connotation, But it's always like how you perceive yourself and if you could make it better and like you could enter like this whole new mindset, like maybe that would be a possibility as well. Yeah, and I think when managing expectations, it's like to piggyback on what Brandon said, Like, obviously you want people to notice. You said you want to walk into bar and have guys

notice you. That's a component of this. But focusing on what you really want to like about yourself is more important than what other people are going to respond to. So you just want to keep having that kind of dialogue with yourself, right about this is for you. This is about you feeling better about yourself, which will extend to you feeling better about yourself in front of other people. Yeah,

I agree, that makes sense. Okay, another decision that was already made before she called in, I mean we're on a real role today, just kind of stamp where basically like where the government issued you your approval to I don't know, go abroad, brought her, brought her well, Basically, I was wondering if you had a small chest, would you just be like, this is what God gave me, I'm going to work with it, or you're like, I have these resources and I know that I could do

this and just like way those options pretty much. Can I ask a question, does your chest in the size

of your chest affect how you go through your day? No, If anything, it's easier because I don't have like weight, right then you also need to take that into consideration that if it's not affecting you mentally in a way, that like it's really deterring you from doing things, from going out and swimsuit, from feeling confident around people, from feeling okay in your own body because they're they're all these outside expectations and influences and that you really need

to think about. Like I would get my nose done tomorrow in a heartbeat if I knew that it would be done and there would be no issues. But how much of that is just because of what I'm seeing around me. You know, there's just so much imagery of like this expectation of perfection that we're never going to meet.

So you also need to be thinking about what else after you get this done and say your breask about perfect Don't let that be something that sends you into a reflection of like, now I could get X, Y and Z done, right. I don't want to spiral like that at all, right, exactly. So it's a slippery slope with that kind of stuff because you do one thing and you're like, you know what else I don't like? And then you're like, you know, you can focus on

an area of your body. Once you've sorted one situation out, you can find another focal point to focus your attention on. And that's also not a healthy pattern of behavior. So I think you've really prepared for this well, and I think your head is in the right space to figure out, you know, what your next move is. Awesome. Well, I love what you guys had to say in your advice because you know, it just really makes me think I'm

thinking the same things that a normal person would. And it's not just body image issues, but it's like an everyday thing that other people think about as well. Well, I'll wrap this up with if you walked into a bar, I would notice you. I don't know what sort of value that is from a gay man, but you're very pretty. Thank you. So don't let that be the reason that you go get something, because the confidence can show in so many ways. Oh thank you. That's my new point.

When I walk into a barnew and be like, well, you know, right, this total stranger said that that I'm hot. So and if you can, if you if you do get your enlargements, what size are you going to get? Small? Oh? Yeah, that's the best way. It's crazy because I would stay like a medium, be small. C I wouldn't even want to like get like anything that people would be like, oh my god, that's Dolly partner or anything like that,

even though her boobs are great. It would just be something that like people from high school would see me and wouldn't even like notice I had anything really done. That's the best work, the work that they have to question. Yeah, minimal, minimal, not too yeah, stay away from SS when you're starting at a's you know, oh yeah, I don't want it to be like a total shock either where I'm like, oh my god, what did I do? Or have to regret anything. Yeah, luckily, now boob jobs are so much

more natural. They're not like getting giant bazunkas onto your chest like vegas. You know, if nobody looks like that's not in style at all. So yeah, less is more now with boobs, for sure. Yeah. I just want something I can cup, just something or something someone else can cup exactly. Well, good luck, Emily. Let us know how it goes if and when you have your operation. Awesome, Thanks guys, Bye bye. But I think it's called a procedure, but it is also an operation. I guess it is

a procedure in my terms. Let's get a plastic surgeon on. I would love to speak with someone in an operation actually, because you are surgically cutting someone open, and there's ways do we should have a plastic surgeon on though, because I need a consult after that call. We should Actually we can consult. We could have a plastic surgeon consult the callers who call it. That would be great. I would like to tack a consultation on for myself at that time. You need to cool it with it. What

are you talking about your nose whatever. Everyone has one of those things. What's your problem with it? I just don't like it. I don't think it's proportionate to my face. What would you like it to be bigger? I would never first about somebody getting I would like to keep the shape or just shrink it down. That's ridiculous. I know it's stupid, which is why I can't get it. Well, that and Jennifer Gray, So remember her nose? Yeah? I loved her. It was a cute whole nose, wasn't it. Oh? Yeah,

I loved it. I love that nose. Did you like that movie? Growing up? It's already dancing? Who didn't like that movie? It's like everyone's dream come true, go into the Poconos and getting finger blasted by Patrick Swayzey. Of course I love that movie. Baby in a Corner. No one puts sweetheart in a partner No. No. I wish I could dance, you know. I like that movie so much because she could dance. Well, she really couldn't, but he could dance, and he made her dance. And that's

what I want. I need a man who's so good at dancing, a straight man that's so good at dancing, that he could make me find you like a like a hot Latino guy who could like I would love for you, I mean pretty into black eyes. I think we should just like I'm I love everything about them, so I think that's an obvious move. I know. The only thing is you don't see many black ice skiing.

That's okay, he doesn't have Well, it would be yeah, yeah, yeah, together, because that's my only hobby we discovered, I mean, other than rollerblading, which I we haven't even been in a couple of weeks, and who knows if that's even in my hobby yet. I don't think it is. We're going this week. Well, I need more hobbies though, that's one thing we've discovered it besides skiing, because that's seasonal. I'm already planning a summer skiing Christmas trip. It doesn't make

any sense. I want to spend my summer skiing in South America because that's how desperate I am to ski again. We just need to get a snow machine in the backyard. That's actually a great answer to a lot of our problems. A snow machine would be let's see what answers we needed. Steep enough pitch for me to be able to like ski down. Luckily, there's that nice little hillside behind the house. If if we got a little dogs at dog sled for Burton Burn needs to take you up there and

give you something to do in the afternoons. Anyway, we digress onto the next collar. His name is Grant. He's from Brooklyn. He's twenty three. He is a publicist or he works in pr if some sort, we'll find out. He writes, Dear Brandon and Chelsea, I'm so in need of some serious, stupid sexual advice. I keep getting friend zoned, and while I'm more than happy to add to my community of friends, I can't seem to break through it. Well,

I don't want to partner, per se. I would like to stop having casual drinks with men I've only shagged their lovely people. But I frankly would rather have a lovely conversation over a barefoot contest the meal with my closest circle. That's a very specific setup, but I do agree barefoot contestat How do you manage expectations early on? Do I really have to come out of the gate on the first date and say I'm not looking for friends?

Your buddy, Grant. Grant, these are good questions, Hi, Grant, Hi, they are good questions. What's going on? I guess what's the question is what's going on with you? So you're having sex with people you're interested in and they're not interested in taking it further. Well, it's kind of like

it's it's like a run through. You know, you go on like one or two dates and then maybe potentially hook up or whatever after you know, three or four, and then you kind of get a text message I'm saying something along the lines of like let's go get another drink, let's go hang out, let's go do or thing. And then it's like, hey, i'd love to, but boundaries, like let's set them up, like I want to be

friends and that's totally cool. And this has happened like maybe the past like five people I've been dating, like on a roll, one next to the next. Oh really, that's that's disappointing. I know. Also gay men for you. So yeah, I do think that setting the expectation up front. Basically, I don't think there's anything wrong with that. I think it saves every one time. I think it puts you on the right track. So you're not wasting mental and

physical energy. Agree, directness is the best way to approach

this situation, and directness is fucking hot. So even though it seems like, oh, like do I want to put myself out there that way, yeah, because you hear this in the gay community all the time that everyone wants a relationship, but no one's in a relationship, so there's obviously there is a communication error happening, and so putting it out there like hey, this is what I'm looking for a relationship or to date to see where this goes. I'm not looking to fuck you unless you are looking

for that. And again vocal something keep looking to fund them and then he wants to be a relationship like you can. I mean, obviously you have to test the water, so they have to figure out if they want to be in a relationship with you. But it's good to get it out of the way. I'm not trying to make friends, like I'm here for a partner. I'm looking for somebody to have sex with and also date right

right and be in a relationship. I feel like every time I go on a date, like the first thing I say is like, that's great, Like I kind of do try to set the expectation that I'm not. So I think it just kind of like whittles its way in there, and I've got like this little Oklahoma like sweetheart mom kind of vibe going on. So everyone just automatically is like rolling with the punches and can like kind of you know, throw me into a different folder per se. So yeah, because that is a nice thing

to do. I mean, I'm not in the gay community like you are, but I mean it is a nice thing to do. Like, if I hear from someone I'm not interested in, I will usually just not respond, Like I wouldn't say, hey, let's be friends, Like I would

never say that, because that's bullshit. I would literally rather be like ghosted and you never talked to me get rather than like us have like a weird asked friendship where we're like, hey, how's it going, how's your how's your weird roommate that I don't even remember their name or cared like here about you know, you don't need to carry that wasted energy. Where are you meeting these guys,

you know, like mostly hinge. I had one recently that was like a friend of a friend that had gotten out a relationship like three months ago, and I was kind of like testing the waters a little bit there. And I initially was like this kind of like we are friends, and then turned into a whole thing and then went back to it. So it's like communicating this to ongoing dating situations is like just so straight, like constantly having to be like, okay, let's check in, like

what are our boundaries here? What's going on? Like it's this weird evan flow that I've always dealt with in dating in the gay world. And when was your last relationship like three or four years ago and what happened? Oh god, yeah, let me get a margarita for that one. I would love margarita. It is so early, I mean, yeah, margarita like four pm sounds Who cares? What honestly, who cares what fucking time it is? If you need a margarita, and you know you need a margarita, I don't care

about what time it is. You know what's saying? I can't stand as it's five o'clock somewhere. It's like, that's so stupid. You know what it is, It's time to have a fucking margarita. As all the time. It is so well, I think what you should do, Like I would think instinctively, I think you just need to change

your approach. It's like if you go outside every day and make a left, and every day you get bitten by the same dog right you eventually you have to take a right and try a different direction or try a different avenue, And so you have to change your approach to how you're dating these men and how you're coming across or stating what you want from the very top. And I think if you just change little nuances of your behavior, you'll get a much different variety of results,

which could either be a good or bad. But I think it'll be good, maybe a couple of bad ones when you're getting started, you know when you mean, when you start acting a little differently, you're like, oh wait, maybe this might be too harsh. But it's just the adjustment period where you're finding out how much you want to, like change your direction right of what you're doing now.

To add on to that, the only other thing that I would suggest is casting a white net and like dating multiple people, not sleeping with all of them necessarily, but it's okay to go on multiple dates with multiple people at the same time to see what feels right, to kind of reduce down what you're really looking for from all of these guys, because most guys are just so boring and simple, and so just put yourself out there. The more, the merrier you'll eventually find what works for you.

Can say, most gay guys are boring and simple. Most guys are certainly simple. Well is that true? If you if you look on Instagram, they all look the exact same, they all sound the exact same, they all do the exact same ship. I mean like a fourty year old mom, which can sometimes be like a total turn off when I like and I'm like hanging out lounge in my room and just like listening to Linda ron Staff. That's kind of like a little throwing off for a lot

of game in. But like, you know, no, someone will someone will love that. They'll love that low key energy that you bring. That it's like cool and a little mysterious but also maternal. So embrace that. You know, Yeah, you're gonna find somebody that's gonna love everything about you. It's just a matter of weeding out, and you know

every step on the way to finding that person. You know, if that's what's important to you and you want to find that person, then you will, and every step on the way to that is fine because it's just a step closer to what you're looking for, which is actually a serious, more meaningful exchange. Right. Well, that let us know how it goes. Also, you have a beautiful skin. Oh my god. Thanks? Thanks? All right, well, let us know what happens. Keep us posted on your love life,

would joh? Thanks? Everyone? By another problem solved? I mean dating for people. I just think it's good to be direct when you're dating. It's good to be like because it could come off a little harsh, like if I

say it, you know, but he's sweet and nice. And if he says like, hey, I'm not looking for friends, that's that's a much different thing than me saying I'm not looking for It's just the games that people play, and a lot of people, you know, they don't want to say that because they don't want to come off too strong or too eager or too interested, so they just kind of let it like ride, and then they end up where Grant is, and it's frustrating for everyone.

It's like if everyone were just honest with what they wanted, it would save a lot of time. It does save a lot of time. It doesn't make everybody feel great all the time when people are super direct, because a lot of people need to be coddled and a lot of people are uncomfortable with directness. But that's really more reflection of them rather than the person who's being direct. But I understand softening messages is important, especially for me

my whole life. I've been told, oh god, you know, soften it down, take it down a notch, And you know it was true. I needed to soften it down and take it down a notch. So that was hard to hear over and over again. But once I applied it and actually listened to it, it was helpful. With his situation is he's already nice and soft and he needs to be a little bit firmer. So that's like a flip. I think for you it was is that you you realize there is a different way to relay

the same message. Yes, that your tone and how you presented it you would get. And I think a lot of times you think more about other people's feelings. He needs to think less about other people's feelings. He thinks he needs to think more about his own feelings and what he wants because he's accommodating these people that well, he's not really accommodating them. They're just telling him they'd rather be friends. So he needs to be a little

bit more direct and a little bit less friendly. I would argue less friendly, and then nobody would want to be your friend. But then you'll find a boyfriend. So it's a real mindful brand. It's not very friendly, are you? Well, you're friendly? I can't be. I'm really friendly to the

check out people the grocery stores. I like those interactions because they're really short, but then these longer interactions, like you go to dinner with someone, or you're going like I've tried to go on hikes and you're just so exhausted by the end of it. You're like, how can I possibly be your friend? I really wanted to fall asleep thirty minutes ago. While hiking is also I'm not into hiking. Everyone in l A likes to hike, and I don't. I'm the views to be that nice once

you get to the top. So plus there's snakes, so you know, I have a real aversion to snake. I was gonna say, you love physical activity. You hate anything involving potential desert, dry arid hikes. That is like not my cup of tea. And that was California exactly. We're going to take a break right now, Yes we are, but we'll be back, Okay. Our next mission comes from No Name out of New York. They write, this is a long one, dear child. I know people also need

to shorten their emails. Dear Chelsea, I'm glad you no longer have a crush on Cuomo. I had one to what a mess? Yeah, no fucking jokes. Seriously. During the first part of quarantine, I was subletting for about a year in a pretty chill four bedroom set up. We weathered the lockdown together and actually had fun at times. As time went by, some of the roommates were more laid back in their approach about the coronavirus, still dating, partying,

going to underground clubs, et cetera. And when the lease was up, they decided that they wanted to go their separate ways. Well, probably lucky for you, because I was unemployed and not on the lease. I moved into a two bedroom with one of the leftover roommates, and I stupidly signed a two year lease that I could barely afford. Long story short, well, a long story long. It's a nightmare living with him, and I just found a job

in Denver after being unemployed for almost a year. I start remotely, but have to move there by June and and leaving with my boyfriend. I haven't told him yet that I want to break the lease. He was so terrible when our last roommates told him that they didn't want to live with him anymore. So I'm scared to tell him, and I keep putting it off, causing crippling

anxiety every day. I'm also scared my landlord is going to sue me because the building sucks, so I'm thinking I can get out of that legally one way or another. Has this ever happened to you? What have you done to confront someone you have lived with? First of all, the anxiety that you're feeling about not confronting him is paramount to what you would feel if you would just go ahead and confine him, which you need to do immediately. And it's not a confrontation. It doesn't matter how he

handled something in the past. We're in a different time, so who knows, Maybe he'll handle it the same way, or maybe he'll handle it differently, But all you can control is how you handle it, and by not telling him, you're creating way too much suffering for yourself. So A, you need to go in and talk to him honestly and tell him you got a job in Denver. You're moving to Denver. How do you get somebody in there

to take your place? That's the next move, right instead of necessarily I don't even know if you need to break the lease. I don't know what the landlord rules are in New York. I don't know about breaking lease. But if you find somebody to take your place and fulfill that spot, then I don't think you even need to get the landlord involved. You need to get your roommate on the horn immediately because you don't want to wait.

Not even on the horn, go home and have thee because you want to give them ample time to either try and find someone to sub let your room. Going down to the wire is just going to make it more stressful for everyone. So and you also can help be a part of finding somebody. It is your responsibility since you sign into to your lease, but people get out of leases all the time, So you just have to find a candidate, and you can work with your roommate and say, hey, let's do this together. I want

to find somebody to fill my place too. I have to leave. I'm not going to be able to afford to pay this rent anymore once I leave and moved to Denver. So it's just not something that you guys can avoid talking about. And also it's not personal, like you've got a job. So I think that that's something in the conversation that this isn't that you just don't want to live with them. They're going to understand that you have a new opportunity somewhere else and you have

to leave. This isn't just because you no longer like the living situation or conditions. So you just need to pull the trigger and have the conversation. Yeah, and handle yourself with like dignity and respect so that the person if they spin out, your roommate and if he's freaking out, you're not feeding into that. You just sit there and these are the facts, and how are you going to find a solution? Sweetheart? That was really great guidance, Sweart. I would like you to answer the last part of

this question though, because you've had multiple would you. I don't know if you call them roommates, livings what you've had. But I found out I lived with my cousin the other day, my cousin Michael, we were out. I was at my family's and they were like, I remember when you lived with Michael. I go when they're like, on twentieth Street in Santa Monica, you lived with him for like six months, And I'm like, I don't remember living with Michael, not even one night. Like I don't remember

memory a six months. It sounds like it's plausible, but I don't remember six months period of time that I do not remember living with somebody, which hopefully is how this guy is going to feel when he moved to Denver. He won't even remember that he lived with this guy when he's in his forties. Well, let's talk about this. What have you done to confront someone that you've lived with? Have you had issues because you've had multiple people live

with you, You You have assistance, you've had friends. Was there ever really like awkward or uncomfortable conversations that you had

to have? Yeah, I just not living together that well, Yeah, because if I lived with guys either they would try to sleep with me or I al I did sleep with them, so that never worked out because they would either become like almost like a little bit obsessed with you, or you could have become basically I once lived with this elementary school teacher and I had no idea that

he had a crush on me. I was in my early twenties, and it became obsessive and he became a little like borderline psychotic, and I had to skid out all But I was so clueless because I had a boyfriend. I talked about my boyfriend was with my boyfriend all the time I thought he was, and then he really turned on me. So I have had uncomfortable situations like that. But and also I've had raging blowout fights with roommates that I've lived with, you know, about bills or about messes,

or about partying or whatever. I mean, all of it. But have I ever, I don't think post therapy, I've had a situation where I had to ask someone to get out of my house. You don't have anyone living with you right now, right So all the times that I've had to get some people out of my house have added badly because of my my disposition because I wasn't handling it like an adult. I was like, you know, you gotta get out, I don't like this, or you know,

it was like just to open and shut case. In retrospect, even though you didn't handle it properly, who was actually in the wrong. Well, I think in retrospect, when you look back at everything, you're not thinking about who's in the wrong or the right. You just look at it as a situation where two people are coming with opposing perspectives. So it's not about right and wrong. It's just about understanding that you're going to have a different perspective than

that then your roommate does. Every roommate I've ever had has ended poorly. I would never I would rather live in a van by myself to live with roommates. Well, actually, speaking of vans, you should watch that movie with Francis McDorman that one an Oscar. Yeah, that's she lives in her van and she outfits it and jury rigs it and like sets it up and builds it out from the inside out. I love Francis mcdormant. She reminds me of my aunt Gabby. Francis McDormand you know, just doesn't

give a ship about anything. My aunt had a gun like nine or ten years ago and was going to just go off on a van trip with her gun. And I was like, what, we can't let her go anywhere with a gun and a van, like she will kill herself. And so I was watching it last Yeah, she hates people, my aunt and I texted it runs in our family. And I texted her and I said, I hope you're watching nomad Land because this would have been you if we hadn't saved you. She should call

into the to the show. We can give her some advices. She's real chatty, so that would be a lot of fun. She could call and go, fuck you, Chelsea. I don't know what sort of advice would give her for that, but she could call and say it if she wanted to. All right, if you need advice, if you're having interpersonal issues with a brother, a boyfriend, we would love to do family therapy actually yeah yeah, Or if you have a partner that you want advice from, like couples counseling.

We that's really where I shine. Please right into Dear Chelsea project at gmail dot com. We read all the submissions. We will reach out, We'll get you on the horn on the phone. Yeah we care. We're doing it, you guys. This is serious ship, Okay, so we expect you to act accordingly. And also even if it's a really stupid problem, like the guy who was a micro dooce in cocaine, I also enjoy that. Yeah, we actually need more of those, and no issue is too small or too big. Hi

bye baby. Also, I am on tour. My tickets are officially on sale. We've added a couple of extra shows, and we are adding a Canadian date. So for my Canadian brothers and sisters who are reaching out to me just now that I'm headed there, it's just we're gonna be announcing dates as we go. You can buy tickets a ticket Master for my shows. I'm at the Santa Barbara Bowl August one, so you can come see me there.

And then I have all the other cities that I have already released and tickets are available and I can't fucking wait. It's called vaccinated and a horny, So make sure that you bring your vaccinations and your horny nows and then keep them to yourself. Please,