Breadwinner with Heather McMahan

Hi, Catherine, Hi Chelsea, Hello, Hello, Hello, what a week?

What a world?

I mean, honestly, have you been I well, I've been spending a lot of time in my hyperbaric chamber.

Last week.

I had some healing to do, so I was in there getting after it, and so I read about four books. I reread that book Letting Go, the one I love to talk about. Yes, and it couldn't have come at a better time. I should have read it about two months ago. And I want anyone who is going through any sort of turmoil, stress, negative patterns of thoughts or any of those things, anyone who needs to put a

It sounds like it comes back into your life when you need it.

Well, it should have come a lot sooner, okay, Catherine, Because you know I was getting stressed out about all the nonsense going on around my house you know, finally we're seeing my house come together and progress and everything.

But again, you know, letting negativity.

Get you is up to you. You don't have to go into that.

And like I know, people are dealing with much more,

I read it.

I'm in the middle of it now, but I won't go that long without rereading it again.

Yeah, that's awesome.

It's by David Hawkings. For anyone listening.

He is no longer with us.

Oh he's dead. He's dead. Oh well, trying to get over the shell.

But we did.

I was going to say we should book him. He was not alive. He was not alive.

Unfortunately I had just finished my reading goal for the year. I'm very excited. I'm what was the goal thirty two books? And I finished last night thirty two the year for the year. How did you come up with that number?

I just sort of guessed. I was like, well, not quite three a month and not quite two, so you know, so that's great.

Thank for you.

Reading is really the biggest gift we can give ourselves.

Truly, And you know what, I have been using good Reads, which it like keeps track of everything and it really sort of gamifies reading.

So you're like, oh, no, I'm like a five percent instead.

Of yes, it's so nice. Have you read the book on the Island of Sea Women?

I gave you the copy? Actually, oh, I was going to ask have you read it?

Oh my god?

Yeah, Well I started reading it and I had to read another book for another guest we have.

We're having on but I'm in it. And then I saw that it's.

A show on Apple Oh my gosh, it's an show on Apple TV called I was like, wait, well, I didn't want to watch it because I want to read the book first. Yeah, It's like, if I watch it, I'm not going to read the books. It's fascinating. It is fascinating. That's a cool book. It's a really cool book. I tried to get my friend and I were like, oh, what should we read from Abraham for Gayes, you know, like I wrote Convenent of Water yeah, and Cutting for

But it's just his writing is so dense. It's dense, and it's a far away land like Island of Sea.

Woman is obviously in a far away land literal, but this is really this is another far away land. And I'm like, I don't, I don't know what you're talking about, and I don't. I don't want to read hard right now, Like I mean, letting go is something I'm familiar with. You know, you just have to get back in the practice. Yeah, so that's easier, even though that is deep.

I kept thinking of me when I was reading this last book that I just finished.

It's called Night Bitch, Have you read it, date bitch.

It's a movie or it's going to be a movie with Amy Adams, and it's by a Mennonite author, which is what made me first.

Get interested in it.

It's kind of a horror, kind of a little magical realism, but it's about a woman who is a new mom and she believes she's like turning into a dog at night.

So it's a little wild, okay.

But also it's an incredible meditation on motherhood, on being a woman, on the responsibilities that we face, on not asking for what we need.

So a lot of there seems to be a lot of that going around.

I can't wait until after the election and hopefully in success it'll just be all positive female vibes, you know what I mean, if we can make this happen. I'm already pretending it did happen. I campaigned earlier this week for the first time actually in this election, which you know, I've been doing other things, but more quiet because you know, people don't like what I love to bang on and bang on with Jane Fonda. Actually, my girlfriend Connie Brittan

Oh.

Also, I'm coming.

Where am I coming?

Kansas City, Saint Louis, and Indianapolis. Tickets are still available. I asked my agents, I'm like, why are tickets still available? And they said, because this is your third time returning to the market years And I'm like, isn't that your job?

Come on, let's shop people anyway.

And then I'm going back to Vegas November two and November thirtieth.

So that's fun.

Oh yeah, our guest today.

I watched her new special that has just came out, which is really funny, called Breadwinner, and her name is Heather McMahon, so please welcome Heather McMahon. The good thing about chows is is that they're one person dog like they're not interested in others.

Uh huh.

And I never really noticed that, but I don't mind it anyway. Like my friends would come over and walk into the room and the dogs wouldn't move. Yeah, And I was like, well that's you're insecure. You care about that, you know what I mean? Like, who cares what? I don't want a dog jumping all over me. But this dog is so he distributes his love so evenly to men and women.

It is such a joy like well opportunists.

Yeah, and he's so sweet and he cuddles up to people, and then the joy that that elicits is so joyful for me. So he's really bringing I didn't know how much joy I was missing out on.

Yeah.

So that's my story and I'm sticking to it.

You should stick to that. I am a frenchie mom, so I get it. I mean, they like growled, they screamed, They're you know, breathing deeply in your face, and I'm obsessed. I look at my dogs like I breast fat on. I cauried them for nine months, the whole thing. Those are my children, some craving breast milk. That's weird that you bring that up. I'm sitting with Heather McMahon, Hi, Anny, how are you. I'm just so happy that I know who you are because you and I don't.

I don't mean that the way it sounded, but I didn't know you and then Jamie somehow, which is why I wanted to talk to you, because I'm like, how could we not know each other? Because you're a very accomplished stand up comedian and the only reason and this sounds terrible, but whatever, I the only reason you came to my attention is because Jamie Greenberg, our mutual friend, my megas and your makeup artist, I'm presuming, was like, oh my god, you have to meet Heather McMahon.

You were going to love her.

And I was like, how do I not know who Heather McMahon is? And then I started seeing your name everywhere? And then I saw you were doing the pantagious like right before I was doing it, and I was like, Oh, you're a real successful comedian.

How the fuck have.

We not met?

It's because I'm not in La. I used to be in LA, and I owe a lot to Jamie. Shout out to Jamie Greenberg. She not too many. You know what that? Can I tell you that cut has been very busy and she's like, you have a book me.

In a minute ago, Jamie, You're always fucking book.

That's a funny thing.

She says that because Jamie, I hope you're listening, and she is because she listens to every podcast. She said the same thing to me. She goes, are you sure I'm still number one on your call sheet? And I said, I'm pretty sure. Not number one on my call sheet, but number one of my makeup, and I go, yeah, I'm sure, yes, Jamie never availed, and then so I made sure again that she was and guess who was not available the next sixteen fucking times I needed hair and makeup.

So Jamie, this is your intervention.

Jamie. We know you have three children who have a lot of after school activities.

A lot of them is like a professional softball player already. And she's only fucking she's not even fourteen years old. Like they just came back from Italy.

She was playing.

Softball in Italy. In Italy, your life has gotten away from you. Oh my gosh, I said, this is extreme.

I'm telling you right now, I don't have kids yet, but when I do, they're not doing travel sports. There's no travel baseball. I hope I have indoor kiddies. I hope that they just want to they want to play Halo all day. That's great.

I'm gonna strike me as somebody who would want children, really. I mean, you just, well, your personality doesn't seem do you want your selfish?

People something? All the time they're like, are you an only child? I'm like, I don't know what that says, but no, I am not. No, I do want kids. It's I don't know how. I guess I just wanted you to not want I know, here's the thing. I want kids. I don't want a baby, though, I want like a ten year old. Well those are easy to get, by the way. Yeah, I really want like a kid who can kind of talk back. I want that like

You know, well, what is your game plan? If you're in your late thirties, do you have you tried to have a baby.

Yes, I tried to have a baby. I have one baby girl embryo on ice.

It's crazy.

They can tell you the sex. Oh yeah, I have a daughter. Yeah yeah, yeah yeah. So I did that a couple of years ago. But then I've gotta probably do another round. I don't I don't want to get pregnant. My mom, can't you.

Just have someone else have the bab.

I can, But the problem is the statistics of when you have Usually most people have multiple embryos. It's because I only have one. The stats are really low for it to stick in a surrogate. So I have to do another round of IVF just to even get a couple more on its.

It's a bitch.

And then after IVF you basically feel like you had a baby. So you go to like through postpart and blues, all your hair falls out, you put on the way, your hormones are all fucking crazy. Then you have nothing to show for it. It's fucking awful. So I don't know. It's funny the other day literally like, Okay, I definitely want to have a kid. I got to think about this next year. But I'm trying to get these other, you know, projects off the road and all this shit.

Is it better to have a smaller woman carry your baby than a larger woman less room for maneuver?

Like what?

No?

I definitely think I need a large woman. My husband's like six ' three. He's a large Italian guy. I mean, I'm a sixteen. You know, it's a big baby. It's going to be right, Okay, copy that. Yeah, but I would if somebody just has a ten year old that there's zika that you want to drop off at my health I think i'd rather that.

I feel like you could easily adopt a ten year old, I mean probably from a different country, but or no, on the foster system, there's ten year olds, I mean if you can. Yeah, do you know how that's such a new that's probably a much easier age to adopt or foster a baby. Yeah, even though that sounds like a whole saga and of itself. Anyway, let's get back to why you don't think I should have kids. Yeah, I'm against you my children. Okay, let's just be honest.

Yeah, I love it.

I love what.

But let's get back to why I didn't know you. Okay, okay, because I can't get my mind around that. Because I saw you at the Netflix as a Joke festival and you came up to me and we're like hi.

I was like, oh, my.

God, right experience, Yes, hello, what's happening? And then you said to me, You're like, I don't know any.

Of these people. I don't know anyone.

So then I realized, oh, okay, you must have come up somewhere else other than La.

So I was in LA and then I had to kind of pick up my life moved back home to Atlanta. My dad had died all of a sudden, very quickly from cancer, so of course my family was like, oh, you're just going to come back and like deal with it. So I had been doing like UCB and improv and

Well, from everything I can gather about, SNL doesn't sound like the most exciting environment.

Exciting, but it doesn't.

Sound like the most positive environment. Yeah, it SAME's a bit soul crushing, Yeah, and like everyone's just on cocaine the whole time and I'm tired. It also feels like, you know, like it's the abuse of the situation, like the amount that they work, all of the writers and all of the performers. It hasn't caught up to where

Yeah, and it is still like.

The Holy Grail as like a comedy writer to like get that gig. But now I said, you know, I reworked the vision board. I'm like, well, now I just want to host, Like I just want to be able to say, you know, we got a great show stick around, you know, pitbulls, our musical artists. It's like this new goal.

Okay, so do you have a vision board?

I do.

I've got a fucking loser. I want to know about vision boards. Okay, So here's my thing. I started it because I'd like to do arch and craft stuff, right. I like tactile things with my hands that keep me away from scrolling on TikTok, and like letting my brain loose out of my ears. And I like to get really high when I do a vision board. So on like New Year's Day, I'll take a couple of gummies. My husband's watching you know, sports in the background, and I'm just chillin and I and I make my little

Do you have a vision board cutn I mean I have done them before, and it is weird. You go back and look and you're like, mo's all right there. I do more of a written one. I'm more of a words person, so I've written my stuff out. But you go back and look and you're like that that this that that, it's weird.

Yeah, and you're not mad at the things that didn't happen. You're just focusing on the things that did, yeah, because they could also happen in like ten years.

Like I had this giant villa that I want to like raise my you know, kids that I probably won't have in Italy, and that's on there and I raised I want to raise my embryos there and you know it'll happen eventually. So yeah, it's just wold. I think it's also like a different way of goal setting, and especially you know if you're you know a little high,

Yeah, I'm into that stuff to a degree, but I've never written, like, I've never done a vision board, and I really don't see myself ever doing that. It doesn't matter how many edibles, the more edibles I take, the less inclined I will become. I will be to write a vision board or create one. I also have anti crafts crafts I do.

I don't have a blue sex.

Yesterday, my cousin and I were traveling back from the road and she said she has a young daughter, and she was like, oh, plus, I have this huge crafts box. So because I was saying, she was saying, some days we don't leave the house at all, and I was saying, one of the most annoying things about having children is having to create activities for them all the time. Like, I have enough trouble keeping myself entertained. I don't need to be fucking entertaining other people, you know what I mean.

Mysion without my husband, with no one bothering me. That's the thing when you come home from the road and you still have to respond sability as a family, Like I don't get a I don't get a Sunday, Like the day you're traveling home is actually the worst day of the week, at least Thursday. When you're flying to the gig, you're like amped up, wearing shit, You've got excitement. That's Sunday you were. It is literally fight or flight.

Are you based in Atlanta, Based in Atlanta? Yeah, Yeah, that's a good idea.

Yeah, And just have my little pieta tear and like nobody knows about it. I mean everyone will know about it. And I, you know, and I have like an assistantly drop off my dogs so that they're there with me.

I don't have to speak to another That's yeah, that's so great that dogs can't talk. That's whatever anybody says. Oh I wish I could. I wish my dog could talk. I wish I knew what my dog was thinking. I just think that I don't want to know what they're thinking. It's all gonna be judgment, you know what I mean.

They're not going to.

Approve of my life style. They're gonna be like, what is your fucking problem? You come home after being gone for three days in sleep for fourteen hours? What are you like a high level prostitute? And I think I am. You know, I'm already in comedy. People tell me they fucking hate my face every other day. I don't also need my dogs to be like you look weather. This is This is another interesting conversation I had that I keep repeating lately. You know how sometimes you get on

All day long?

Has your career like, I mean, not literally, but kind of theoretically I do. I'm like, you're fucking right, I don't need someone. I'm not looking for another challenge, you know what I mean. I don't need to come home and.

Argue with that person. It's like every day is a fight almost.

Yeah.

Every day I wake up, I put on my you know dress from anthropology that barely buttons, and I'm like, I'm good. I'm already fighting the fucking man. I'm fighting the system. We're already an entertainment. We hate ourselves.

Like, I know he's gonna kiss my ass and just tell me that I'm a wonderful, that I'm beautiful, and I want you to fuck me a lot, you know.

What I mean, And that's all I want.

Amen, And don't be a douchebag.

Be a good person, and don't interject during conversations where you don't know what you're talking about to make yourself heard. Just sit back and enjoy the show. Yeah, you know, and be hot, be hot, just be fucking hot. Yeah, that is for my husband, Jeff. Just be hot.

The other day he plays a ton of golf, which is fine, do your thing. That's not hot to me. Yeah exactly, I said you have to.

If you wear the golf suit to the course and then you come home and we're doing like a date night you have, He's like, he'll put on a clean golf shirt with a nice pair of jeans and like his Gucci lovers Like, no, no, no, a different fucking shirt. Jeff, Like, help me the fuck out.

Seriously, the golf shirt said, they are for golf.

They're for golf. We live in the South and everybody wears golf attired to fucking everything shirts.

Golf is the title of this episode, Seriously, because that message needs to get out there.

It does, and it's gonna get out there from the women.

That listen to this podcast, because I don't know a ton of straight men that are listening to this podcast.

Yeah, and if they are, they're not going to be straight for long.

No. Fuck. My whole new special is about just like I try to explain to like, because I consider myself a golf widow. I'm like, you know, because I never see him. I mean, my husband could be fucking dead. You know, you don't hear frohim for hours. It's always the excuse they're on the back nine. You're like, you could be blowing ten dudes in a clubhouse somewhere and I don't know, you know, you could be gay.

For you don't I don't know, I don't.

Know what you're doing. But I try to like go and like explain to my audience. Is like, guys, this is why your wife is fucking bitchy on a Saturday because she's stuck at home with the three kids. Well, you disappear for eighteen hours. As women, we don't get that fucking luxury, you know what I mean. I escaped to like get my nails done like ninety minutes. You get my nails a little.

If you're Jamie Greenberg, you actually go get your nails done for four hours. Have you seen her fucking nails? I know, I'm I'm like, you know that you are not in a you're not a rapper, first.

Of all, right, you don't work at Magic City?

Is she up to?

I know it's she, and she's got the lashes. She's just it's a lot. It's always like the bee boy pants on hip and I don't know what the is happening at.

Least or hanging on tightly.

You know what I mean?

To a decade that she's not part of. That's how I like to phrase, Please do not fuck up my face tomorrow. I have a very important thing to be on camera for.

Please don't.

I'm going to see her for dinner tonight. I'm gonna tell her that we dragged her. She's fine with it. So wait, when is your new special coming out?

Sometime in October?

Wait, it's Netflix, It's it's Hulu.

We're on.

You went to Hulu because Hulu was offering the Big Bucks. Yes, I guess. I don't know if I saw the Big Bucks well, referring it to some of them.

A lot of comments have gone over, Yeah, a lot of comments have gone over to Hulu.

Yeah, okay, So it's coming out sometime in.

October's coming out sometime in October? Should we know what the day with Yeah, it's called bread Winter, bread Winner. Yeah. Yeah, it's all about making more money. Yeah, leaning in.

So tell us what's on your vision? Are you okay telling us what's on your vision?

Speaking of new existence, Well, like I really want to play Madison Square Garden. That's like the dream. I want to do the arena. There's not a lot of women doing arenas, and I think we could do the arenas. We all might have to band together, but we need like a women's show at Mathison Square Garden. I mean, I want to have my own TV show. I really

I see, that's what I want to do.

Well.

I mean, it sounds like it'll probably happen for you. I let's hope.

Let's hope.

I mean, it seems like you're somebody who gets shipped done. I try to, but like today, you know, I'm sitting in my office with my agents and I'm like, all the things that are happening is because we were talking about this earlier, because we're still hustling.

Yeah, like I would.

I can't wait, Chelsea. I'm not in the position yet. I can't wait till I they're they're offering me shit and I'm like, no, no, you know what I mean, or it's just I don't. I'm still in the audition phase. I'm making self tapes in my basement with my mom, you know what I mean. That's where we're still at. We're still brinding yeah.

Yeah, that's the thing.

It's like, at a certain point is aren't things supposed to get easier?

I'm forty nine years old, and I'm.

Like, why am I fucking I flying to parts of the country where I'm like, wait, I've crossed this place. Didn't I cross this city off my list like six years ago?

What am I doing back here?

Yeah? I agree, But it's like, you know, the road life. You're just like, all right, we're going back to Vermont. Let's just buckle up, get the ban for going. And then those people are so happy to see you.

And then there's a nice silver lining to almost everything because it's like, my lifestyle is so nice, I'm sure as your years is too.

I get to provide and support so many people.

In my life, including myself, and so it's like I don't want to be seen as complaining.

I would just like a little bit have a little bit of a fucking strategy.

That's what it is. It's like, I'm like, am I supposed to do this? It's I'm seventy what if we supposed to do? I know my strategy, but I just need yall to get the strategy. Yeah, let's get we need energy yeah, energy. Yeah.

Can I ask you a personal question about your sex life with your husband?

Absolutely? It seems like I can. Yeah, fun since you because I don't.

Get a lot of people that are married without children. Okay, so what is the sex life? How long have you been married?

We've been married three years together, like thirteen years. Oh okay, so that's a long time, long time. So what is your sex life not having children?

Not having children?

Well, we do have two French bulldogs in the bed, so there are moments where we have to like physically remove them. But our sex life is still great.

You know.

I feel like there's kind of this idea that people like don't want to have sex with their spouse anymore.

I'm still very hot and horny for my husband.

But I think the reason people don't want to have sex with their spouses anymore is when they have children, because that freaking ruins it.

Well, and I and I will say, I've had this conversation with my husband. I'm like, listen, I love you, but watching you play golf all the time, like I need to know that you're going to step up and he'll be an amazing father. But there is that little tiny bit in me that's like, is like, will I be resentful? You know, because I see my other girlfriends who can get resentful, just like the men not caring enough of their weight. But when it comes to sex,

My best friend.

She has a big job and her partner are always away, and I think I don't know anything about their sex life because she's British and she would never talk to me about that.

But I think that the reason why.

They have such a healthy relationship is because they don't spend so much time together. And I do want to say, like, I do have some friends who have kids who have a sexy, great, sexy, healthy sex life, is what I was trying to say. Like my friend Christine, she and her husband have sex all the time and they have girls.

There's something about children. And obviously there are exceptions to this rule.

To people who are listening, if you have crazy sex with your husband, call us write us in because I'm sure we'll have an episode about that at some point, or how to keep your sex life going, because it's just a matter of having Like I only want long distance relationships. I don't want someone in my house. I know I will get tired of I know it.

Yeah. So, and we also, I mean we don't have kids. We do have like a seventy six year old toddler because my mom lives with us. We live with her.

However, you want to splice it.

So there are times where I'm like, meet me at the same regions and bucket and we're just gonna have our moment because there is still you can hear Robin making a cup of tea, you know, on the other week, like Jesus, okay, yeah, you know, Robin's yelling up that did you set the alarm? I'm like, mom, if it's fucking red in the kitchen on the keypad, the.

Alarms on you know, where did you grow up?

Atlanta?

But my mom's from Boston.

Where's the sex? Okay?

Yeah, yeah, it's just in Boston.

So I was like in Maine actually, and I kept saying to my cousin, Oh, this is a Boston accent, and I go, I love these accents on women only.

I'm un men.

It's a little bit. So it's like, uh oh, but when women talk like that, I fucking makes me. I just love it reminds me that it makes me know that I'm getting fresh clamson, you know what I mean.

Because I'm an East Coaster.

I grew up in Martha's Vineyard in the summer, so I'm a total Like when I hear a Boston accent, I feel at home.

Yeah, you get the tingles. It's like, hey and some mort tingles. My mom's so funny. She's lived in the South for like thirty almost forty years, and she'll be at her country club and she's like thinks that she is so Southern, but she's like packing the can, having Cathy get me a you know a red wine that pino nowa Like she's screaming across the bar in her country club. She's a tiny little redhead, looks like Judge Judy and everyone just leans in.

They're like, that's Robin Boston.

Robin like she runs Atlanta though, and she runs these circles with these like super Southern women and it's just Robin run on the show.

So you grew up in Atlanta, so you spent your time there. My brother, my brothers, and sis went to Emory University School, so I grew up going and there was a bar there called Pj's. Yeah, it's no longer there, but that was the first time I went and was served alcohol. Well, I was the first time I went to a bar. I was ten years old and my sister was, oh starting young. Yeah, well no, I wasn't drinking, but I went with my sister because that was her local pont and she was eighteen.

And my sister got carted and I.

Did it, and that's when I knew I was gonna have some problems.

It's honestly the same for me.

My sister did Georgia Tech, and I was like a freshman in high school and I would show up and I had braces on, and I would show up to like the Ato House, like these fraternity houses, and my sister would be like looking for me, and I'm like making out with some guy named Morgan who like the president of the fraternity, with my braces on, and I just ran shit because I had.

Double d's young. You know, I'm just running the fucking show. Did you gen you hate your boobies when you were young?

Well, they kind of came out of nowhere. I didn't have them, and then when I had them, no, I felt powerful.

I age, were you? I think I got real tits at like fourteen, they really I came in overnight after a man put his arm around me in a movie theater.

I was thirteen.

Oh, I was twelve. I was twelve, and I woke up and I had my period and I had boobs.

Oh fuck.

So I did not like that at all.

Yeah, because a I was like, nobody had talked to me about my period, of course, because my family was you.

Know, not on the on the level, right.

And I didn't like my boobs.

I would tape them down because they were too big and too and they were bigger than they are now for some reason, when they come out, they're like big, and so I was ashamed of them.

No, I leaned in because I remember the day that my mom told me a Victoria's Secret because she's like, you really need like a real bra. And it was like, you know, a thirty six D And my mom was screaming in Victoria's Secret and she was like, this is because my mom is for seventy six Listen, she's single. There's anybody out there and you've got like a hot dad or a hot uncle. Please. Robin has the perkiest titch you've ever seen in your life. I mean, this is my mom has a banging bob.

Wow.

And she was just like her, yeah, she's very, very sexy.

And she was like, I don't know where you get these tits from, but like everybody just show them. And I was just like always just very overly confident. But now I'm like, they're down in my ankles and I'd like to get them snatched up to my neck.

Well that's not good if you haven't had a child, yead bra. I sleep with the bra and every day, and my tits are perky.

You do.

I sleep with the bron every night.

If I don't, if I have a lover's day over and I don't sleep with the broad the more I wake up in the middle of the night, I have to put a bron It's so uncomfortable for me to be freestyle.

Like you do have really perky tits.

Thank you a great But at this point I'm ready to get the neck done and the tit's done. Just do it all at once, you know, just.

Yeah, the neck and the tits at the same time. Can you turn my tits into my neck?

Actually? Okay?

So on this podcast, Heather, we take callers and like we give them advice.

So it's I love you're going to do I know, I know. So we're gonna take a break.

Heather and I are gonna take our tits out and rub them together and see what would come up with.

No, we're not going to do that, but we might.

Anyway.

We'll be writing our great nips. Okay, we're back. We're back, and we both still have our nipples on.

Great. Are you ready to give some advice?

Yeah?

I love giving advice.

It's my favorite thing in the world.

I love it too. And I also want to say I love about this podcast. I just love talking to real regular people. And you'll see my callers, they're all so nice and sweet and real and cute. Yeah, and it's not that we only accept cute callers. You don't have to be cute, but you are cute when you call in.

Just so you know it's true, it's true.

We actually had someone right in once that was like, do you only take cute people?

Know they're cute.

I also want to say, we don't screen you. We don't know what you look like.

Everyone just.

Calling.

Well.

Our first question comes from Ricky, and Ricky needs some help from.

Women who will tell people to shut the fuck up or clap back. So I think she's in the right place, Ricky says, help. I listened into the podcast weekly and you have given me so much to work with.

Thank you.

Good Ricky. Hi Ricky.

I've had body issues since as far back as five years old. I've always been thin and athletic built, but I have a gut. Even at my thinnest, I had a small chub that I would feel insecure about now that I'm a little thicker. I have been mistaken and as pregnant over ten times in my workplace by coworkers and other people in our building. It makes me want to curl up and cry, but I usually laugh it off.

The F do I say it to these people?

I used to say, oh, no, it's a food baby's name is Chipotle.

But unfortunately the idiots who ask dumb questions like how many months are you to a stranger do not have the comedic mind to understand my food baby jokes.

I am all around angry.

Frustrated, and feel so sad because even though I'm doing everything right, I still have this gut. How do I confront the totally awkward question about my non existent pregnancy? Oh and I also used to have a restrictive eating disorder. From twenty seventeen to twenty twenty, I was one hundred pounds and all bones, so I'm very sensitive to comments that make me not want to eat, and being asked if I'm pregnant is definitely a trigger for my ed.

Please help Ricky.

First of all, I cannot believe that people still ask other people if they're pregnant without nosing for sure.

Unless the baby's crowning, I'm not saying shit, And if the baby's crowning. I won't be in that room, so don't even worry about it.

Like we are not supposed to be asking people if they're pregnant at all.

Or like commenting on their bodies at all.

Yeah.

Also, this is what's wrong with like corporate America.

You know some guy named Mark, you know in finance, who's just like, hey, Ricky, when's baby too? Like I already see the scenario. I really like to fuck with people. I would double down immediately, like it's a giant, cancerous tumor, Like I don't know, I would can't make them feel really fucking shitty, start some sort of rumor. Maybe then you'll get some paid time off, you know, just to just to go relax.

Yeah, I mean there's two issues here.

First of all, it's so frustrating to have a part of your body that you're not happy with, especially when you're dieting and you had an eating disorder. Like, I understand your frustration because we can hyper focus on our imperfections or what we perceive to be our imperfections. But when other people are also confirming your feelings about your self that you don't like, that is hurtful and like, yeah, so what does she say to these people. I mean,

Yeah, like like I've got three days to live.

I just want you to know it has been such a pleasure working with you at Bank of America. And then just walk away, walk away and go to lunch like fuck with them and tell everybody something different and different.

I would really stir the pot at work.

Yeah you should really, so you get attention for being funny and crazy rather than being having a little extra weight around your belly. But I also want to help her with her belly weight. There's got to be a way for you to deal with this without dieting and living in a healthy way. First of all, I want to just provide this because this is two different things,

That's the thing. It's the hormones. Ninety percent of the time. It's like, get your hormones checked, yes, Because that was me after IVF. Dude, I was a completely different fucking person. I got up to like two forty, and I mean, I'm not a small girl. I've always been like my healthy range is like two hundred. But I was like, I was like, want to crawl out of my skin.

And it was my hormones.

We're through the fucking roof. My cortisol was off, my adrenals they were my hair was falling out like ninety percent of the time when you can feel it though, and she clearly said she was like a teep person.

Get the hormones check.

You're stressed out in life, you got it? Not sleeping, something's happening.

Yeah, yeah, so so do all of that.

Yeah, and then okay, on top of that, lie to all your yeah yeah, and make it.

Very clear to people.

Make sure that whatever they're saying to you, they is going to be the last time they ever say to another person.

Make them feel as awkward as it makes you.

Yeah.

So yeah, or so are you asking me if I'm pregnant because I have a little belly and you have absolutely no idea about my history, about my personal life, about any.

Is that what you're asking?

You just want are getting hair plugs? Mark? Yes?

Yeah, what do you do about the receding hairline?

And I realized too when people say really fucked up, like shitty stuff, they're so projecting on their own insecurities. That's why, Ricky, don't let any of courses hurt your feelings. Listen,

And I guarantee this is mostly coming from men, what she's talking about. It's like men that have no idea how to even interact with women. And they also you need to like go right back at them about whatever their shortcomings are because they can you ever imagine being online and writing about someone a male person's body. Can you imagine ever having the desire to go you gottual? Yeah, yeah, you have a Walleye. And I wouldn't fuck you with my dad mother's vagina ever, I.

Would never take the time. It is insane. Yeah, I think you double down. You tell every coworker something different. They need to get more obscure, Like actually, I'm a part of a government experiment. They've been doing this.

They're trying to see if I can get pregnant with a dog exactly, say, yeah.

Really freaky.

It's a shit to you know this is it's it's I don't know. I need an extra cash. So I decided to sign up for this experiment and just freak people the fuck out at work.

I love doing that.

Yeah, really want I make everyone's first time the last time, like you want to make their mistake on your watch, the last time they make that mistake and anyone coming forward after that, or anyone that.

Crosses their path after.

Yeah, yeah, I.

Feel like me giving weight advices the bad is was tonally off, but I just I did that.

I needed that.

Because I honestly like my friend had this had that body type, and she went to him and it changed her life. He's actually out of Atlanta too, But you don't even have to go to him. You just go online and look at his thing and it's like this great system, like it shreds your fat for you.

It might also be like bloady go to a gas r enterologists get shit chicked out, you know what I mean, if it's just in that one area, like you know.

Yeah, checked out.

I had a friend who held all of her weight right underneath her arms, and she was so frustrated because in pictures she would look like she was way heavier.

Than she was when the doctor said. She ended up doing Mark McDonald's program.

Okay, well, Mark, call me because I'm in Atlanta.

I'll have you cook for me, whatever you do, because that's me. I have a very like I mean, my whole like catch raise in life is like, I have a thick neck and thin ankles.

I had the tiniest legs growing up.

I was always considered tight chubby, Like I'm I have a really tight, like muscular body. But it's also I cannot get off that top like baby fat layer and I'm pushing forty you know what I mean.

But I figure it out.

Yeah, yeah, I mean I've done every diet, I have done all of the things, and you know it's a lot.

So I'm calling Mark Mark McDonald, I'll.

Put you in touch with him absolutely.

Yeah, yeah, I love him. Yeah.

So Carly is our first caller today. Carly says, dear Chelsea, longtime fan, first time writer. My best friend from high school has a toxic boyfriend, and I'm not sure what my place is in the situation. My best friend is the type to never be single. Just twenty three now and has had one boyfriend or another since seventh grade. She typically jumps from one boyfriend to the next and is automatically head over heels for whoever the new guy is.

It kills me.

She would leave behind an incredible dream job and dream life as she's built for herself in Nashville to live with this piece of shit. I'm mostly scared that he'll isolate her and keep her from her friends and family. How do I talk her out of moving and potentially even leaving this guy before she moves and before it's too late. She's sensitive, so I don't know how to approach the topic. Thanks so much, Carly.

Hi, Carly, Hi, Hi, this is our special guest, Heather McMahon.

Hi.

I'm a big fan.

I'm good. How are you? I'm great? Okay, So, what's her name.

Well, we're using a pseudonym right for friend.

Hi, Okay, because I was just gonna say, we can just talk to her directly, and we can just send her this video. Yeah, yet as far away from this fucking person as possible. Any man who is deterring you from having a career, does not have your best interest, does not care about you. Any man who does not support reproductive rights for women does not care about women, and does not care about you. Those are two blanket issues that have no wiggle room.

Just those two issues alone.

Forget about everything else that you said. That is fucking crazy, your poor I mean, she needs to hear this from two strong women, three strong women, four strong women, sorry.

Four of us. Allegedly you could also just run them over with your car, you know, but then you're on the hook for murder, and that's not in alabamae earl him.

Yes, Yes, what is good bye? Earl?

It's a Dixie chick song And basically one of the girls was in an abusive relationship and her best friend was like, I'm just gonna fucking kill them, and they killed them and they hit the body. But I think you just got to sit her down. I think you maybe kidnap the friend and you sit her down, You're like.

This is some bullshit.

Well, I mean this is not even that. I thought that was like almost like a prank, right right, because surely he wouldn't say all of these things.

And I think there's some questions to ask her to have a girl's weekend if it's just you two or you and some other kids.

Do you have any other friends that you can enlist to have like some sort of It has to be of the tone of an intervention. It can't be a casual conversation because she has to understand how you know, when you get in a relationship and you get this kind of tunnel vision and you don't realize how weird it gets and.

You're so far in that you can't.

She needs to understand how heightened this is and that it's an emergency situation to get her away from him.

Yeah, I agree, But the issue is she's so.

Far away, so plan a weekend? Can plan a weekends? Oh deadn't matter. Get down to Nashville.

I Nashville is a fun place to go for a weekend anyway. Yeah, And do you have other friends that.

Can go with you?

Yeah? For sure, are worried.

Okay, so you have to plan an intervention.

Yeah, yeah, like tomorrow, like get off with us, get on the horn, call the girls, and weed a full intervention.

Anybody who's talking about a divorce.

Yeah, so for the first two primary issues are reproductive rights and not the Yeah, talking about a divorce before you're even engaged is fucking crazy.

Are they engaged?

No?

Not yet?

Okay, thank god? Yeah, Okay, that's crazy. That is absolutely crazy. And he's basically talking at about a punitive dance like he's gonna charge her one hundred thousand dollars when she doesn't have a job, which is also.

Stupid because assuming it's community property in Alabama, it comes out of the same pot.

There's never gonna we're never gonna get that far.

You have to, and I know that she didn't she this is this information, as you said in the letter, came from another girlfriend, right. She didn't give you this information directly, So you have to go to her and say, we're all sharing information. We've all spoken about you because we are very very concerned and we know that you're not looking at this situation clearly as your friends who are removed from the situation and not in it every day.

Yeah, And I think there's power in numbers in the sense that if she just hears it from one girlfriend, she might be like, well, you just have an issue with them. But if it's all of y'all sitting down and be like, we're not going to allow you to continue this relationship because this is fucking toxic and we're not going to allow you to do this, like, I think it'll be a much more powerful message. That's a great idea.

You got this girl, So are you ready to do that? Though I am. I think I get enough of a score. If i'm yes, I think we could do it.

And I think has to be in person.

She's gonna be embarrassed, she's gonna be upset, and give her twenty four hours, but then you know, yeah, but.

Allow the time, like you go down to Nashville.

Say you guys, go down on a Thursday night, give

And it wasn't even a drag intervention. It was her friend intervention.

But for some reason she saw it completely differently and just thought we were attacking her, which was not the case at all. We were really trying to help her. But typically they go very well. I would actually also suggest you guys like get together and talk to like if one of you has a good therapist, or get together and rehearse all the points you're going to bring up, because it shouldn't be an attack, it should be a conversation love and caring.

Yeah there you go, right, Yeah, I'm discussed with her.

I mean, in the future, she can be happy with someone else, and that's what you want for her. You're not doing because you don't want her to be happy with this guy. I also suspect, since she got drunk and told this other friend tearfully about all this information, that she may be relieved if you guys are stepping I agree.

So wow, even my dog is walking out of the room so disgusted by this. Like, no, I don't blame them, And if you need to, you know, play this conversation, do it. You know what I mean, John, We just heard about the situation and it's absolutely ridiculous, archaic, antiquated, and unacceptable.

Yeahah, oh, can't you both say to h would you say you deserve better what we you say if you were talking directly to her.

Don't ever let any man dim your light.

And if you're with the right guy, he's going to put you up on a pedestal and and tell you to reach for the stars. Anybody who's already telling you know and trying to control what you can and can't do is not the partner for you.

Yeah, AERI it.

And you want someone who is part of the future, not living in the past. His ideals and his way of thinking is the past, and you don't need to go back. No woman needs to go back to when things were great for us, When the fuck was that?

Yeah, yeah, all right, you got this.

Thanks Carly, Thanks, thank.

You, Thank you, guys, it was nice to meet you. You too.

Listening to some guy from Alabama talking shut up like I need member, I have really bad What do you take, pilot sad? You know what the work's actually the best baking soda, oh dude, big and water. I take a little bit of baking soda, like a half a teaspoon, put it in water and immediately knocks it out. I was on next him forever, a meprasol like I had voice nodules allah Ashley Simpson growing up.

I used to musical theater.

Can't sing anymore, and I was on all the drugs and apparently like next to him, and shit gives you alzheimer.

So I was like, I'm not messing with that.

So I just baking soda and water and it fucking works when I travel abroad because I like to, you know, party hard in Italy and I'm drink all the red wine. Italy's my place. It's my place. It's my joyful, very happy place. Oh that's nice because your place. Yeah you got married there? Yeah yeah, I got married in Italy. Oh yeah, yeah, we'll have to we'll have to connoiter together. Were over there? Yeah yeah, I'm in Spain a lot. Let's go.

Okay, I love it.

What part?

What part of Italy?

I like?

My home base is Florence, but I hit everywhere. Oh my niece has just went overseas. She was just went to Florence.

She studied Broad. She's there for a semester.

Got good luck.

When I tell you, I feel like my sister goes. It's gonna be like girls Gone Wild for the next four month.

No, it was. I My one of my favorite memories of study Broad is I was making out with this guy outside of a night club and then my friend tapped me on the shoulders, like Heather, take a step back.

He has no teeth. And the man had no teeth.

I just thought it was like a nice smooth I thought the gums were an outer lip. That's how fucked up I was. He had no teeth.

You know what an.

Allegory for h and Carly, You know you take a step back, you realize the guy has no has no teeth.

Well, he could probably give an incredible blowjob. Yeah.

On that note, do you want to take a break and we'll take our last color.

Sure, we'll take a break and we'll be right back.

Okay, we're back.

We're all fully clothed. Everything's fine.

So our next color is Lynn. Lynn says, dear Chelsea. I have a kindergartener and the moms in the class are super clingy, clicky and nasty and exclude me from everything. And you were a sorority girl, right, oh, yeah, you know about nasty rocky.

I did not have a negative experience. Would continue okay, right, I blocked.

And muted these women on socials, but I'm still hearing from other parents about every social event that I'm not being invited to. I want to tell them all where to shove it. But my daughter will be with these kids for the next seven to eight years, and I can't ruin her social life because of my ego. Tell me how to tell them to fuck themselves politely without ruining my daughter's social future.

Lynn?

Oh, hi, Lynn, Hi, Hi?

Okay, So what was it like when you met these women? Were they like this from the outset.

No, at the beginning, it was pretty normal, and then things just quickly changed. And we had first day of school last week, which was super awkward, and I was telling Catherine that we tried one play date over the summer because I felt bad for my daughter, like I shouldn't restrict her time with her friend. But the whole time they just pretended like I wasn't there and like literally didn't acknowledge me, and like my first reaction is like kind of just set boundaries and cut off people

So so does your daughter have playdates with these people's kids?

A lot we did before this all went down. We saw them once over the whole summer, but like tonight, they have soccer practice and they're on Girl Scouts together, so we're gonna see each other. And there's only one grade per class, so she's always going to be in her class until eighth grade.

Oh, this is so disappointing that grown women act like this. Yeah, like high school ended for a fucking reason.

And is it.

Multiple moms or just one mo?

Okay, there's about four of them and so like first day of school, no one even looked me in the face.

It was just, really, what did something happened?

Was there, ever, like some sort of altercation or disagreement about something.

It wasn't so much an altercation. It was just they just started like not including me in things. So like, for example, they all went on a bunch of vacations together for like weekend trips locally, and then I confronted the one mom and she was like, oh, sorry, we just didn't think you'd be available. And I'm like, well, it's just hurtful that I'm finding out online and not in personally. You could have like I don't have to go on every trip. I'm not a child, like I

Here's the thing. I think that that is all they have. And Lynn, you seem like you're doing a lot, like I know that you have other things outside of your your kids social group.

This is probably all these women have, you know.

Feel sorry for them and those kind of aspects you don't even want to hang out with them. Fuck them, you know what I mean.

That's how I feel too. Yeah, that's very much how my personality is. It's just how do I go forward through the next many years. And it's just awkward, you know, it's like being fake and I like it.

Yeah, it is like being fake.

But there also is like you need to rise above their behavior because it's so low. It's just so silly to be quickly like that at this age, especially when they're not even the ones in kindergarten.

It's right the parents. So it's just you have to like rise above it.

And I do think there is gonna involve a little bit of like fraudulent behavior on your behalf in order to get to the place where I want you to get, which is you don't give a shit at all. You're happy when your daughter hangs out with their kids, and you're fine if they don't. There's gotta be other mothers there that you can hang out with and that you can talk to and be real with, and you really cannot act like it bothers you at all, because that's

It's like taking the air out of the balloon.

There's nowhere for the balloon to float if there's nothing happening, So you have to really just suck it up, be as friendly as you can be, not like kissing their ass or anything, but like.

Hey, how are you to if they're ignoring you? That's not your problem.

Great, but you know, like you're in a good mood no matter what they do when you're around them, you're just gonna be like that.

You're just gonna be like, okay.

Great, Oh are we invited? We're not, okay, no problem, have a great time. It can't bother you at all. Yeah, can stay completely unbothered.

And maybe every time you drop your kid off for these play dates, show up in a new like power track suit. You know, maybe it's just like a full cheetah print suit. The next time it's gold lamet something. I think you just start slowly fucking with them just a little bit. Maybe it's like a like a like a cowboy hat or something. The next time and just like, hey, I dropped some brownies off for the girls. Hat y'all have a good time and just bounce and then kind of be like a little mysterious.

Yeah, yeah, be a little mysterious. I also get off. Don't follow these people on social media?

Yeah no, they're all blocked. We're not. I'm not engaging, okay, So and like that's what I've been doing, is like basically pretending everything's fine.

But blocking them isn't pretending everything's fine. That's aggressive, Like, hey, you know, you don't need to block them.

You just mute them.

You don't need to follow them, Like, you don't need to block them. You don't need to follow them or look at what they're doing. But you don't need to block them from following you, because that is an active aggression. Like what is that that that's a immature as they are, you know what I mean?

But when you show up to the next play date in a power suit, they're gonna be like, what's she been up to?

You know, what's her side?

Gig?

Yeah?

I agreed, I don't know.

I really just think you should play, like be smarter than them.

And this. You have a job, yes, what do you do?

I'm in real estate?

Okay, so you have plenty of you have your own shit going on anyway, so very busy, yes, exactly, so you don't like you just have to treat that as such like, these are these minions that are beneath you, that are acting like little children that belong in school, that are not in school, that are living vicariously probably through their kindergarten children. So go about your business. They are not your problem. There is no problem.

So like, if they ask for a play date, do you think I should engage or just.

Yet, I can't make it, but I would love my daughter has a great time. In fact, I was thinking maybe the kids go to a movie. Just kill them with fucking kindness. You make it and don't let it's not worth your your kid, you know, feeling in the type of way about.

It, any type of way. Just always remember you're doing this for your kid. Just be above it all and yeah, don't if they want to play it, great, great, you can play with my kids. Did that, just but be a little bit like you know, like.

Avoid hanging out with them one on one or in a group. Just avoid that. It's not good for you.

It's like poison almost, you know, it's just it's not a good scene.

So your kid.

Everything is for your kid having a healthy relationship with the other girls, and that's it.

Yeah, because they're all probably miserable at home too. It's projection.

When you're a bitch like that, you're projecting because you're you've got your own shit, you're still on. Yeah, so it's really don't think about it as you they're just miserable in their own shit.

I have a couple kids, so I have plenty of other mom friends that are normal, healthy people, so great. Yeah, so it's not like this is my only child and like my whole world is just this class. So there's lots of other opportunities there. It's just it's just awkward, and I want to just say, go at yourself.

No, don't.

Living well is the best revenge.

Yeah, seriously, don't do that. Don't let your temper get the best of you. I speak from experience. I have a big temper. I've learned how to modulate it and it's worked in my favor immensely. So just save that and just treat these women like they deserve to be treated, which is like they're basically like butterflies, but less attractive.

They're just flying around and.

It's not your problem.

Yeah, and get your Belure tracksuit ready to go. Yeah, yeah, get your Vlord tracksuit.

Yeah, we'll get go to Jamie Greenberg Makeup dot com and you can order one there.

You got this girl.

Have a good day, and please do not let these people take up more than like thirty seconds of your day every single day. Focus on where the light is shining with the friends and the parents of the friends, of your kids' friends, whatever the fuck I'm trying to say. Focus on the people that you get along with that are normal.

Yes, awesome, Thank you so much. I really appreciate it.

Yeah, no problem, cha, I have a good one. Chow now I say chow too, yeahs of Heather McMahon.

Yeah, I just say chow everywhere. Yeah, at every doctor's office, every place I go. Chow chee.

So do you want to live in Italy? Event that your game?

It is?

It is my happy place.

Yeah. I would like to spend at least half the year there. Have a place down in a mal Fee. Yeah, just really be by the ocean. I need at least twice a year to dip my toes in the Mediterranean.

Start to get itchy.

Yeah, I'm not interested in these oceans anymore the United States?

What am I gonna do?

Go to Florida?

I know, I know, well, I mean you're close enough, you live in Atlanta, so be careful.

Okay.

Yeah, I'm more of a charlestonalp.

But I careful because if Florida falls into the ocean, like I predict it, well, one day you're going to be on the coast.

Literally. Yeah.

Okay, Heather McMahon, that was just Really, you're a home run of a person.

Listen.

I adore you. Thank you for having that much fun.

Yeah, And I gotta say, Chelsea, when I saw you at the Netflix brunch, you were so kind and I've really looked up to you in this business.

And I'm not kissing your eyes.

I really mean this, like you've just fucking done it and you did it your own way, and so I you know, we need to go have drinks and I'll just I'll really spill the tea with you, and you can tell me, don't do this, do that till everybody you suck your day.

Absolutely absolutely Well, I'm gonna have dinner with Jamie Greenberg tonight.

Do you want to? I'm free? Oh great, Okay, we'll stop it.

Up.

Okay, awesome, Love you, Heather.

Love you. Okay, see you next week. Okay.

So upcoming shows that I have you guys, I'm coming to Texas. I'm coming to Saint Louis and Kansas City, and then I will be in Las Vegas performing at the Chelsea Theater inside the Cosmopolitan Hotel. I'm coming to Brooklyn, New York, at the King's Theater on November eighth, and I have tickets on sale throughout the end of the year in December, so if you're in a city like Philadelphia or Bethlehem, or San Diego or New Orleans or Omaha, check Chelseahandler dot com for tickets.

Okay.

If you'd like advice from Chelsea, shoot us an email at Dear Chelsea podcast at gmail dot.

Com and be sure to include your phone number.

Dear Chelsea is edited and engineered by Brad Dickert executive producer Catherine Law and be sure to check out our merch at Chelseahandler dot com.