Hi, Catherine.
How's my Orca? Chelsea?
Sunny and beautiful? Everything's going very well in my Orca.
Who did you have this past week?
I have my sisters and I have about five girlfriends.
Oh that's wonderful.
Yeah, that's really nice. We've been having a really nice time together. I've been training everyone physically training.
Oh oh yeah.
I'm the age of my group when Ange is not around and is my lunatic friend for Whistler who runs marathons in three and a half hours.
Truly, the amount of like e bike hours that we logged when we were there, and I only did like half of them, and I still logged play.
I know, I know.
But you know what I love about it being in my Orca is my thighs are so firm. They are so firm from riding my fucking bike all day long and exercising and walking up and down to the lighthouse. My legs almost get thicker, and I love the density I don't want.
It's like when I ski a.
Lot, my thighs get bigger, you know, So I'm just trying to keep my thighs big all year round for skiing.
You know what they say, thick thighs save lives.
Oh is that right? Okay, well I'm saving I've left and right with my thick thighs.
I have been working out with a trainer and like, all she has me to do is squats, and my ass is like round and fantastic.
Now, oh it's so hard.
It takes two weeks to get your ass lifted.
If you want to do get your ass lifted, all you do is but exercises for two weeks and your ass lifts. I never had an asking my sisters don't have asses. I am the only one who's cultivated one because I realized you could make one out of nothing, out of out of a pancake.
Chelsea, I have a little dipsy doodle, a dipsy doo.
So this is somebody who wrote in after our Jane Fonda episode. We had that email from Jen who had been a sex worker and was having trouble dating. And this is from Jill, who was also a sex worker. She says to your Chelsea, I'm a former stripper who met my husband in the strip club twenty years ago, and yes we're still together. I know two other women who met their husband and strip clubs and are still together because their relationships morphed over time. They picked people
who could quote see who they were. I don't think these men are all that rare, because I've been out as a stripper throughout my and have had relationships with men who respect me all my life, in work and in friendship.
Was it easy meeting a partner.
No, But if you carry yourself with confidence and self assuredness, people will see that you demand respect. If anyone says anything out of line, read them. We all develop that skill on the job. Finding a good partner, in general is difficult. What are the key characteristics you want to find in a partner? Put those first. Don't be ashamed of your past, wear it like a badge of honor. Good you are resilient and amazing and have done it
and then started your own business. I went on to make documentaries, write plays, screenplays, win awards doing that, and then became a boxer twenty fifteen National Golden Gloves Champion. My husband accepts and loves all those versions of me. You can find that too.
Love it side.
What a positive, optimistic note, fantastic.
We have such fucking great listeners. That's awesome, and.
It's great because if someone out there has had this very specific experience. There's somebody else out there who knows exactly how they feel. But anyway, should we get to today's a guest.
Our guest today is a hilarious comedian who who's on tour right now and her new special Big Guy, debut in the top ten of Netflix, now streaming on Netflix.
Please welcome Rachel Feinstein.
Rachel, how excited are we that we're going to get to tour together?
I know, I'm so excited to be in Hawaii. We're going to Hawaii together in July. Right, we're going to July. We're going to Honolulu and Maui.
I can't wait for some Hawaii whoring. I know it's going to be amazing.
I love I love to get my groove on in Hawaii because it's filled with my type of men.
What's that.
Large samoan, large samoan looking men. That's my type, hefty samoan.
I had no idea.
I like elderly men and large samoan type builds. I like that build for a friend or for a lover. I like a corpulent figure, you know what I mean?
Like I like while you're worth it.
Thank you First, I want to congratulate you on your new special A Big Guy, which was just recently premiered on Netflix where everybody can stream it. Congratulations, Are you happy with your special? Did you love it?
It was hard to watch myself, but now the worst. Yeah, it's hard.
When I was.
Editing it, I was just like, shut up, what if I ever needed to say? I kept screaming at myself and calling myself a pig. And I screamed that so much that I asked one of the producers if I could call the special America's Favorite Pig, and they said no, But I still think it would be a fun, loving name for a show.
It would America's Favorite Pig is great, and I think you could have called it that. But I thank you, Shelsea. Yeah, why would Why would anyone stop that?
That's up to you.
It's like saying, I want to name my book America's Favorite Pig. What is they going to say? Like, No, that's not going to be popular maybe, but go for it.
I had to watch.
I was listening to a set of mine the other night because I did a bunch of new stuff, and I was like, oh, can you guys give me you know, the recording of that, and I was listening to it to it for less than two minutes before I was like, who fucking cares what I said. I cannot listen to this bitch for one more second. I want to close myself like a box when I listen. I'm like, what if you ever needed to get out there? Especially when I really use the stage and just kind of like saunter around.
Yeah, I do that all the time. I saunter. I think it's better to use the stage.
You know.
Zach Alifanakis once said to me, you have to use the stage as a comedian. And before he said that, I didn't walk around on stage, and I was like, what does he mean by that? And then I started walking around on stage. I'm like, I think this is more dynamic than just standing there like yeah, I don't want to just stand somewhere like you are talking. You would normally be moving around.
So these are profound, core self esteem issues that I have and nothing else.
What other self esteem issues do you want to work on? Let's get to it because I can help. What kind of bathing suit equipment do you think you'll be bringing to Hawaii?
Rachel? When you mentioned on Instagram that I should wear a thong. I was like, no one needs that. I don't think I look good in the thong.
No one should be wearing a thong. First of all, thongs are so disgusting. I don't even want to wear them myself. I don't even want to wear them as underwear anymore. It's too many, it's too problematic. There are too many things, like I have to phase out into a full panty. The problem with a full panty, though, is that when you wear very tight jeans, it flattens my ass. And I don't have a bulbous ass, so I need all the lift I can get. When I wear a full panty, it does a mush you know, yes.
Me too.
There's a sadness to a full panty. It smushes me. But a thong, no one needs that. I'd send somebody into a low grade depression. There's a real supply and demand. Is shoe with my dumb ass and its long?
Yeah, there's not really.
I mean, I don't really think that I've ever seen a thong and thought that looks good.
Yeah, it's hypothetically good, yeah, but no, yeah, I need like unless I'm like Paris filtered like Triple Paris filtered nobody, no one needs that at all. But I'm excited for Hawaii, Like that's something I need right now. Like I've been well, you've been hustling. Yeah, yeah, I've been hurling my body to every dumb place on the road, and I'm like, yeah, I need to lay still on a beach right right.
Well, I know that your Special debut in the top ten, so that's very exciting, which means people are loving it.
That was cool, And your DMS this in the last year, You're sending me a couple of messages about some dumb video. I like made my day, And I can't explain to you how much because you know, I mean, I've been doing stand up for what feels like seventy years, so I really feel like I'm just in the winter of my life right now. So the fact that I'm like, oh my god, okay, people watch it, I was just
like didn't want it to get buried. So it felt really cool that like people are actually watching it now, and I'm like, I just want to start writing Uber blacks at least, you know, that's kind of my goal with this.
Like it's been I did everything the.
Long way, Like, I've been a road woman for a lot of years, so like I need this.
Did you sleep with a lot of comics on the road?
Just so much head Chelsea, There wasn't a moment I wasn't on my so much dick sucking.
I know.
That's where dick sucking really comes into its own. It's on the road.
My whole family too. Yeah, just generations of Feinstein's just it's just really getting passed around just so that I can get this out.
Generations of dick sucking.
Wow, that's amazing, A long line of godless horse. My grandmother said when I was a very small girl, I never met a dick that I wasn't fond of, not one, not one dick.
No, I don't know.
I didn't have I wasn't good at any aspect of the business. There's no business left and silly to even say that, but whatever it was, I wasn't good at it.
I was just on the road forever.
So like it feels, I'm just hoping this helps and it like can can move some tickets for me changed my life a little bit.
Right absolutely. Let's how how long have you been doing stand up? Really? Like twenty four five? Twenty five years.
Yeah, I moved to New York when I was like seventeen with this guy and his bands called Dick's sister. And then I Dick's sister dumped me, and I stayed in New York and he kind of like undumped me and redumped me a few times, like I wasn't really taking the dump, and I would try to kind of hang near his house in Staten Island where he lived
with the rest of his band. And then I just stayed here and started doing open mics and stuff and getting fired from different jobs first, and I felt like at best I was gonna be like homelessh if I didn't do this, you know, like there wasn't I wish I could have been one of those people that was like about to be a doctor. But I made this like noble choice to leave it all for the arts. But this was it, Like I was failed wildly in school.
So yeah, and your husband's a fireman, which you talk about in the special.
So he's an American hero.
He is.
He's a technical hero, but he infuriates me like he's an emotional desert but a fun loving guy, a good hang for sure. Yeah, firemen are great like for you could say anything to them. That's that's what works. He's my husband's almost like an accidental feminist, Like he he doesn't.
Care what I do.
I could I could be out doing whatever with stand out, like I could spend the night at some comics house, get passed around. No, but just really like just some platonic guy that doesn't even see me as a woman. But Pete wouldn't question that. He's just kind of like you're on your own. But if I ever explained what a feminist was to him, he probably thinks they're like Nazis or something like they run a little dumb in
that way. But strangely enough, it took a fireman because every other guy like they got a kick out of what I did for like you know, like a week, and then they were like forget this, like she's working on Christmas or and Pete is working on Christmas. So
it's kind of like he gets the life. And they have their thing and in a weird way like firefighting, Like they have a kitchen table where they hang and when you walk in as a regular person, you can feel the chemicals in the room change and it feels like, you know, like at the cellar when a normal person we call them civilians, which is hilarious, but like when a normal person walks into the room, like you can feel that whole energy change in the room. Like ah,
like somebody will a comic said this recently. They're like, oh, he brought his like civilian girlfriend and she had to sit at the table. But it's kind of similar, like and he has that weird world that we have, so there's not really any envy there. And comics and firemen like they don't want anything the other one has. So
he's a pretty good hang with comics. He doesn't try to be funny, like he's a good laugher, you know, he doesn't step on anything they're trying to do, So it strangely like works.
Yeah, what about your child? How long have you had your child?
Oh?
My god, where is she?
She is four years old. I have a little kid, So you've had her for four years? Is that kind of for four years?
That is cool?
How how is motherhood going for you as a comedian, as a working woman, late night working woman, it's hard.
I feel like I'm not pulling anything off completely, But I have a lot of female comic friends and I still relate to comedians more than like regular moms, you know. So like I'm on like a chat with Rosebud and Whitney and other other comic moms that kind of like help each other with weird tips on how to do it.
Michelle Wolf has a kid.
I was just talking with her at the Seller last night, so that helps me try to like figure it all out.
I'm not in any way pulling it off.
Like just before we got on this zoom, I bribed my daughter with like a series of things. There was just so that she wouldn't walk in this room, like there was a bribe, and then there's like a threat of a bribe.
To being taken away.
I'm like, I'll give you this, and if you walk in here, I'll take this away, which I call it thrive. So there's like a series of like hard negotiations that went on before I brought that random teenager in here to do the audio. So I'm not pulling anything off, but I feel like she kind of at this point she's not I'm not a scheduled person. She's grown up, half in a firehouse, like half on the road with me, so like she's kind of not she's not expecting that, like she knows.
She looks at me like she can tell I'm not in charge of anything. Yeah, that's how I felt growing up.
I knew my parents had no say Like I was like, this is you guys are not making decisions around here, Like I'll come in hot and take over.
I think it's good to know.
I mean because first of all, nothing bad comes from a girl, especially that grows up a little faster.
I think that's always yields good results. Yeah, you know what, I agree with you. Yeah, shake it out.
You shake out your naughtiness when you're younger, and then by the time you're like in your twenties.
You're overall that well maybe thirty. I completely agree with you because I was a really bad kid. I did acid when I was like thirteen, like every week again, I had like an appointment to do acid with like six of my friends.
And I mean we were just deep pigs.
We would go up on like some sign in this neighborhood and just moon people in the area. We're like, oh, we're mooning now, Like we had our asses out all the time.
We were always doing drugs.
And then by the time I was like seventeen, and moved to New York with dumb Dick's sister. I was like, yeah, I'd done all the kind of ridiculousness I'd gotten out of my system, and I was able to like focus a little more on like stand up. I do think it's those kids that like really run a tight ship in high school then they start their real problematic horring later on or drug use or whatever.
Yeah, I agree with that. Better to get the horror out soon, early, early, getting rid of the horror early so that you can really start to thrive in your twenties and thirties.
For sure.
Yes, I was definitely like a I was a problem. I know somebody that knows you. He said you were very cool. He grew up in Jersey near you. He said you were always cool and could kind of like hang from young, Like you seemed like a comic at the table very young. Were you like hanging with a group of guys or like what was your high school situation?
Who knows?
I mean, I in my mind, I was in high school when I was born, Like I was trapped in a baby's body and I felt like a woman the minute I was born, and all I wanted to do was.
Woman, be a woman. I was like, when can I get be a woman?
Like? That was my favorite line to say, Like soon I'll be a woman and you won't be able to tell me.
What to do. I know what you mean, because, like I love.
I used to love the show when I was a little kid called Moonlighting because I loved office tension. I was like, I want to grow up one day and have sexual tension in office. Those were my goals, if totally totally.
First of all, working in an office.
When you were watching Moonlighting, working in an office seemed sexy. You were like, Oh, that's that's sexy, like an office job with these skirts. I'll wear skirts and heels and then I'll fuck my colleague.
Like it was so fun, right, so fun. Yeah, I played this game.
I talked about it in like my first half hour many years ago. But I used to play this game with my Catholic friend. I wanted to be Catholic so bad. I just wanted one of those names that like oh rachel O, f Einstein or some shit.
And we would play this.
Game where she would throw me on the bed and we worked in office. Her name is Harry Company, she was the boss, and we would play this game in her dad's office, like he had no idea where were playing this weird horring game in his office. And she would go like, Chrissy, get me my brief that I'd be like, I'm doing the best I can, mister company. My kids just get confused. I think that was all for Moonlighting. It was very much like a porn Yeah.
I know porn's were not dissimilar to those programs. I guess maybe because it was set in the same timeframe. But there is a lot of porn represented, like foreign like Vibes, and it shows like Moonlighting and what was that other h not Dallas and Santa Barbara and Barbara was awesome.
That was a soap opera though. That was the day. Yeah.
I once tried to call Kelly Capwell directly because I was so obsessed with Robin Wright that I looked up Kelly Capwell. I was so young, I didn't understand that was a character's name, and I looked her up in the phone book in Santa Barbara and called someone named Kelly Capwell.
I was obsessed with that bitch.
Gorgeous, the most beautiful family of all time.
The actress's name is Marcy Walker. I was completely and utterly obsessed with her. I would just like hump a pillow and pretend it was cruise that like hot Latin cop. Also, they were sending so many weird messages with that show because something happened to her, like she was like assaulted or something, and then she was always on this bed getting extra attention from men at post assault, Like I.
Didn't know what that was. She was like trying.
She had like a concussion for like nine weeks or whatever, like ninety weeks soapapera the that time where you know you've been kidnapped three times in between that time. But she was like lying in bed every episode so she could go just basically to set her up for more sexual assaults. And we're tuning in like we can't wait to see it. We're like, when when's it gonna happen next?
She was so sick, and she was always kind of dewey and hot and just everything. I wasn't just like blonde and fucking like straight silky blonde. I wanted to be her, And she was always laying on that bed and then this hot cop would just keep coming back and tending to her.
I'm like this is the life I want. I'm ordering this life.
I want to lay on some kind of bed and snack on it and just have somebody avenging something on my behalf and.
Have your husband avenge of fire. Why can't he amage my husband?
You don't want to go missing for weeks before he would look for me. It's like he's not jealous to like such a problematic point. I've tried to make him jealous, and he's like, yeah, he could give a shit, like it would be somebody could make a suit out of my skin and he wouldn't follow up. He's very anal neat about like how stuff Like I feel like if I was missing, he'd be emptying the dishwasher first, like he'd finished emptying the dishwasher.
Yeah.
He CA's non plussed by everything. That's the word for it, nonplussed when you have no reaction, although it also says it's also the opposite of having no reaction. It's having no reaction and having the opposite of no reaction. I'm like, isn't that two different artists antonyms?
What the fuck are you talking about?
That's what I do though, in my spare time, I look words up in the dictionary to understand why I can't speak clearly or correctly.
On that note, we're going to take a break and we'll be right back this week.
We'd love to hear about your conundrums with parents.
If there's something you're working through with a parent or need some help navigating a relationship issue, right into Dear Chelsea podcast at gmail dot com.
And we're back with Rachel Feinstein, whose new special is called Big Guy, Big Guy. Ask my husband's nickname for you. Yeah, he calls you big guy. Your husband calls you big guy.
He does. Would you consider yourself the man of the house?
No, but I think he might. I mean, he just doesn't know how to compliment a woman. He's like just worthless romantically. He gave me, Chelsea, I'm not making this up, a fifty dollars Amazon gift card for my birth like fifty bucks. And you know, there was a moment where he was like seventy five and then he was.
Like, nah, fifty not for her. Fifty feels right.
My driver once told me it was her birthday. I said, what did you get Carolyn? He said, I'm just going to give her some cash chill. I was like, no, no, no, you're not, you fucking idiot. Yeah, his wife Cash, I was like, Billy, pull over, we need to talk.
I'm like, you're an idiot.
Nothing makes me more delighted than when you trash men for their nonsense. It's like my specific brand of what delights me more than anything else.
When you call men to.
Task on their utter horseshit, it makes me so happy. Cash is somehow worse than Amazon gift card. It's worse. It's dumber.
Yeah, it's like, do I work for you? Understand? Is that a tip? What is that?
The thing is that he lives with men at a house for half his fucking life. Like he doesn't come back smarter from this house he lives at. It's so not hot. Men are so good at being not hot, you know what I mean. It's like, that's not hot. Do I need to explain to you that that's not hot?
Okay? What do we have? What do we have in store for us? Catherine?
Oh?
So many things.
Well.
Our first email comes from Richie. Richie says, Dear Chelsea, I'm not sure whether or not I should be upset with my partner. We've been together for over three years and currently have a house together and two dogs. Our lives are very intertwined, and while I love him and.
Care very why could you fucking live together? This is a weird thing to mention.
You're right, clearly, we spent a lot of time together, but some things from our past have come up recently. While chatting with a mutual friend, I learned that in our first year of dating, he didn't take us very seriously and was constantly hitting on and flirting with other people. I would like to believe he isn't anymore, especially since he's been honest about how he was in the first year of dating. But since I'm just finding out about it,
I'm feeling betrayed and honestly pissed. But we're a couple literally a couple of years removed from this. So do I have a right to be upset about it? Do I need to just move on and accept?
I like this question. That is interesting. Question is interesting because that would piss me off.
Retroactively finding out that something happened when miss me.
That's just that's just the kind of recipe that would piss me.
Also, I also feel like admitting to something and admitting to just a little bit of what you actually did. That is like one tried and true tactic of a lifelong liar, Like I've been wildly cheated on, just like an insane, unimaginable shit that I was like, wait a second, I would ask this question to her, is he jealous? Because I do feel like the most jealous guys are often cheating. And the guy that I remember, I've dated a guy that was always always in my internet history.
Every time I would go away, he would accuse me of all manner of things, and you know, like as a comic on the road, I'm doing nothing but just laying still with throbbing loneliness after my shows, like I'm just laying in bed as alone as I've ever been in Des Moines. And he was inside of someone. Every time I was out of town, Like I got an email with the dates of the other other girl he was fucking. She's like I was with them from two
twelve to two fourteen email. Yeah, yeah, And he was very jealous and whenever I would come home, he would accuse me of all kinds of insane things. I remember he used to chase me around the apartment with my laptop. I would try to pull it back from him. And he would make these wild like noises. He'd be like, how like these Howard d criest chill, But my lap's up in the freezer. For some reason, I was used to this too, Like I was like, Oh, he's probably gonna make a left here dad to the freezer.
And he was always kind of jogging over there.
I was like, I didn't suck a stick stick and that he was putting the laptop in the freezer, and you know, it was jis constant. He was always accusing me of some insanity and he was doing it. So my only I have no idea if this guy is still cheating or not, or what he's up to, but I do feel like it's one of the signs. Is he extremely jealous and suspicious of you? And if he isn't, I feel like there's less likely it's less likely that he's cheating.
Yeah, what are they asking? Do they have a right to be mad?
Yeah?
I will, I do. I think you can kind of be mad.
A year is a long time to be hitting on other people while you're like supposedly in a relationship, or maybe they weren't in a relationship.
I don't know.
It sounds like they were I like the question. I don't really have a good answer.
I feel like three months you got to like cut off the flirting with other people, like there's some there could be some overlap, but like a year was too long.
Yeah, I think that's good advice. It doesn't sound idea.
Yeah, so like be pissed, but maybe don't break up with them.
Well, definitely don't. Don't not acknowledge it.
You you can, you don't have to break up with him, but you have to make sure he knows that you know that and that that's not cool and you're upset.
You have every right to be upset about that.
Make him make it up to you. I think a couple of nice baths, a couple of nice dinners.
A bath, that's not going to make anything up. I h yeah, yeah.
A friend of mine is starting dating this guy that that draws her baths.
Think you were going to say that drew her a bath, is what you were going to say. I was going to say, yeah, you should go for it, she drew her a bath.
I think, go to college. I went to fucking Dick's sister. What do you want?
I was going to say that, but a friend of mine was dating guy for many years. Then their courtship started by him drawing her bath, and I think that's disgusting.
Started like they were friends and he drew her a bath.
And then he started turning the baths water on like when they were Yeah, yeah, and I think this is so strange.
Yeah.
She said that like a few months into their friendship he would just kind of like turn on a bath and be like, hey, and that was how we kind of like pulled her in fucked her.
Yeah, that's and then they would fuck in the bath. I think he is really like to have sex and baths or water.
It's because it's.
Confusing because you think the water will also serve as a lubricant and that's not.
What works all. No, it's kind of frantic. It's like a lot of sexy situations. It's actually very it sounds like a very dry situation.
Ironically, in a in a pool of water. Yeah, he would draw her a bath and then he.
Would bathe her for months. Oh no, and that's unacceptable. No, No, it's not. Nobody's bathing me.
Try me math, get the fuck out.
Well.
Our next collor is Ali and Alie says, Dear Chelsea, my husband and I moved away from home about four years ago. We recently had a baby and have decided to move closer to family and friends, as we both work remotely and could use some interaction with other people. We're about an hour's drive away from family. My husband's family obviously missed us, and his mom from time to time can be a bit much. However, my mom is next level. Prior to me being pregnant, we never really talked,
as she was kind of a crappy parent. I'm having a ton of anxiety about being closer to her, and when we lift eleven and a half hours away, it's been easy to keep her at arm's length, but now she texts, calls, sends videos, etc. Multiple times a day. When I say it's too much, she doesn't listen and says, well, I'm the mom or grandma and I'll do whatever I want. Then she proceeds to act like a toddler or spread
gossip through my family. She's the kind of person that works in customer service but yells at waiters every time we go out to eat. I'm wondering how to navigate this relationship without blowing up. So she can see her granddaughter every time I see her. After ten minutes, I'm going crazy. Help Allie.
Oh sorry, Allie. That sounds like a fucking nightmare. Another reason to never get married. Yeah, that's not good.
She sounds like a pretty I mean, she sounds like a pretty unbearable twat. But I think you're I don't know, trying to do the right thing by letting her have access to your child. But I feel like it's less as little as you can have to do with those plans, the better, Like do it like have her take care be with the kid the week you're going away, a week you're going you know, horring in Hawaii? Ever take care of the kid that weekend?
Do you have any plans to whr in Hawaii coming up?
Not as it right now?
Okay, Well obviously that can change in a minute. Anything can change in an instant. So what has been You're like, when you've tried to put up like a boundary with her before, what has happened?
He basically says no, or she ignores it and will text me like the next week and say so can I come this week? Like just ignores the whole thing.
Yeah.
I find that to be incredibly annoying. People who don't listen to you when you're setting up a boundary. So I think you have to have like a more formal conversation with her about it, just for your own sanity, like it, don't worry about how she's going to react to it, because people end up respecting boundaries in the long term, they just don't like them in the beginning,
you know what I mean. So it works, And so you're going to protect your like mental health and and the health of your family because you don't want to be fucking annoyed at her all the time. But you have to be firm because she's not used to have anyone telling her that there is a boundary.
It's one hundred percent true.
Also, I feel like the thing with people that don't respect boundaries is that when you draw them, it's this big lead up to saying something, and it's not that big of a deal at all, because first of all, they might not even listen to it, to which you have to double down on it. But that moment isn't that big because like they don't care, like they're used to bulldozing through those things. So the very least you can do, like this is the beginning of a longer
stretch you have to go through with her. At the very least, just say something and be it clear. When you're that ludicrous, when you're acting that insanely, like this person has been told this many times before, you're not you know what I mean? This isn't like, so don't worry about that.
Just say it.
Yeah, just say it, say it quick, say it fast, and say it in as few words as possible. I feel like that's true for everything. I always over explain, apologize, defend. Somebody told me this recently, Like justify, apologize. There's like some acronym I'm forgetting, but defend. I think it's jade or something. And try not to do any of those things. And say it in as few words as possible in a text or talk to your friend. Before you talk to her, know exactly what you to say and nothing extra.
Yeah, and hold your ground, you know what I mean, Like, don't say it and then get scared and run away, Like say it, hold your ground. Machine understands that you mean business like, maintain eye contact and be firm. You have every right to do that for yourself. It doesn't have to be like a big deal. Exactly what Rachel's saying, it's just like you standing up for yourself, You're gonna feel really good afterward and you might have to tell her again, but that's okay.
Just practice advocating for yourself.
Yeah, I really like that advice. I think to like just holding my ground. I like to eye contact too, and not just like.
Or I get crazy eyes so they get really fucking scared and then they're like, all right, all right, all right, I won't.
Fucking bother you.
Yeah, I need a guy for a while that, Like, his mom was just upset about absolutely everything about me, and a lot of the things about me were just things that were never going to change, things that she thought I would find insulting, like that I'm not domestic or that I'm not clean. I'm like, tell me a better story, bitch, Like I'm I I've been a pig
my whole life. Like, and she was like, you know, just kind of making these passive aggressive comments about what I didn't do around the house, and I'm like, that's not You could say a lot of things that will immediately hurt me, but I'm like, and I learned to just say to her very directly, oh I'm not going to do that. I'm never going to do that. She'd like, you know what you should do? You should, you know, start gardening. I'm like, oh, that's not going to happen.
That's not going to occur. I would say it then, like the dumbest, simplest way possible. And I felt like she like she just kind of stopped after a while, like she would come over and clean so much, like in front of me to piss me off.
But I was like, no, that's helpful.
I had a friend over one since she was doing it, and he was like, if you want to get behind the couch.
She was comic.
He's like, if you want to get behind the couch, she just get that corner right there, like he was directing her.
So I feel like I feel like with people like that, like.
Yeah, as direct as you could ever be, and she wants what you have, like she wants access to that kid, you know what I'm saying. So, like, you're in control in this situation when we're more vulnerables, when we don't need something, you need very little except to be left alone.
Is your partner somebody who can tolerate being around your.
Mom for a short amount of times? Yes, but he is a lot more comfortable being direct with her. So maybe I just like kind of follow his lead because he does do that and it does work. She does listen to him.
I'm so sorry, is this your mom or his mom?
This is my mom?
I go fucking tell her.
To fucking back off.
Then I was thinking this is his mom the whole time. I'm like, no, you tell your mother to fucking stop it. She doesn't get to overrule you. You're an adult woman now with your own kids.
Yeah, yeah, that's what I tried.
I've recently tried being like I'm not asking, I'm telling, So I'm just gonna stick to that.
Yeah, you have to be very firm with your own mother.
I didn't realize that either, that if it's until just now. I was laid to that party too, But yeah, if it's your own mom.
Yeah, it flipped in the mother in law thing there, And.
My mom is here right now, and she does a thing when I tell her something clearly, she gets wounded immediately and starts like weeping. So like I was like, hey, can you get something for my daughter's birthday party, like to fill these goodie bags? Because I was like, on these zooms yesterday and I was like, just get anything
to put in a goodie bag. She came back with like sheets of like shit stickers, like poopsticker, and I was like, Mom, I can't put this in her like four year old goodie bagh's that's shit.
She's like, well, I'm sorry, Rachel. I did the damn best I could.
Like she starts weeping, and like five years ago, I would have felt like I had just assaulted my mother because she always weeps if you give her a note, you know. But now I'm just like, Mom, you can weep or not, but I can't like put shit stickers in here, like and I'm gonna get on this zoom now, can you get something else?
You know?
And I also realized, like she's always going to.
Be weeping because that about me.
It's about her alcoholic mother or something, you know what I mean. Like I don't take it personally anymore.
My mom always has like a sort of vaguely muttering to herself for weeping, and I just know that that's what she likes to do and she probably won't stop, but she's here, she's helping out.
I'm not taking on her her day weeping.
Yeah, that's very good advice.
Yeah, we have a better relationship now.
I like the advice of not taking it myself, like not personal at all, just living not personal.
Yeah.
My friend Jessica Curson really funny comics. She always says, like people are insane. They are walking around furious all day. It doesn't have.
Anything to do with you.
Usually, you know, like people are just not okay, they're not well. Yeah, so if you can imagine a little sticker, She always says that to me, just imagine a little sticker on this person's forehead that says sick. And that's always a helpful tool for me when I'm communicating to not personalize.
Yeah, yeah, all right, Ali, is that helpful?
Yes, so helpful.
I'm excited to share it at work.
Okay, thank you, Sally, Okay, bye bye. I think it's funny that we both missed the main part of that. Oh yeah, I know.
You should have seen me last week. I was like, I got the whole story backwards. I'm like, what, I'm listening and then I'm confused. I don't understand.
Well.
Our next caller is Ryan and he's calling in from Norway. He says, dear Chelsea, Hi, I'm Ryan. I'm originally from Vancouver Island and I've been living in Oslo, Norway for the past four years. I originally moved to Scandinavia for a wonderful Norwegian man. Although they're all introverts, they can be very intoxicating. However, our four year relationship ended last autumn. I've been on a beautiful journey of healing and self
love lately and have been filling my own cup. But I'm unsure of how much i want to include my ex in my life. Any advice on how to navigate this? Cheers in a big hug from finally sunny Oslo.
Ryan.
Hi, Ryan, Hi, Ryan, Hello, Hi, I'm coming to Oslo. I'm coming to perform there. I think in the fall.
No way, Oh my goodness.
I was there last summer. I saw Springsteen in Oslo. It was so fun outside at that outdoor park.
You and all my lesbian friends amazing.
I know I was. I got confused with lesbian a lot. Actually, So what's the status of the relationship now?
Yeah?
So the status is I mean, we're our lives are longer entangled at all. He's a truly incredible person and a really lovely guy. We broke up about just under eight months ago. We were friends for four years and then we dated for four years, and now I'm like, oh, could we could we be friends again?
Is that realistic?
Feel attracted to him?
Like sexually?
Yeah?
Not right now? No?
What do you mean right? Not right now? Like it can come back though, just after this autumn after I think no. I think so.
We broke up because a couple of reasons, but the main reason was I wanted to explore something more open, and he, although it was very willing to have that discussion, didn't.
And so when we did open our relationship, we brought.
In a mutual friend, which then led to be demise of our of our relationship.
That track what an unusual ending, I know, I mean, honestly, so sounds a little bit like you're still hung up on this guy.
Are you.
I wouldn't say I'm hung up on him anymore, honestly. The thing is, we have a lot of like in common, and so when I moved to Norway with my ex, I'm originally from British Columbia, Canada, and so when I moved here, like all of my network was through my ex. I don't think I'm hung up on him anymore, but I do think there may be place in my life for him. But I'm not sure how to even approach that topic.
If you guys were friends for four years and you dated for four years, I think it's totally realistic that you could be friends again. It's hard to be friends with someone when you haven't been friends with them ever and you've only been romantic. But if you're friends, you can always go back to that. Yeah, people do it all the time, and I mean you have the perfect excuse or reason.
It's not really an excuse, it's a reason.
How would you approach that conversation with him to reconnect?
Yeah, yeah, I would just say, like here, I you know, I'm here living in Norway, and like, you know, obviously this is how we're connected, and I'm here and it's been a long time.
I'm like, I hope you're well.
Send him a really thoughtful, nice email checking on him and you'd love to see him, But make it clear that you're coming from a friend's perspective, don't make it flirty or weird.
Yeah, you could even say, like you could you refer to.
Some earlier period of your life where I mean earlier time, when you guys used to be friends, something used to do.
Then I miss when we were whenever.
I know things didn't work out with but I enjoyed talking out out, which is so it makes it really clear that I think that is important.
That's not making it clear, Rachel, because that's making it confusing.
I think to say I really enjoyed hanging out with you. Oh you mean in addition to fucking you like the other things I liked?
Oh, I know absolutely, I know you're right, You're absolutely right. No, yeah, you want to make it say when you weren't inside me. I guess it's what you should add in parentheses, when we weren't inside each other.
I think, just don't tell him you like anything about him. Don't say that right now. Just reach out and send a really nice email checking in how he's doing.
You love Norway, bring up things that.
There's going to be a response to, right, like all the cool things about Norway that you've discovered or that you love, that you've rediscovered, or that remind.
You of him, whatever, but in a non romantic attitude.
Okay, yeah, and I think that that's probably the right way. So the last time I saw him. He mentioned that his father had health problems, and you know, I burst into chairs and I thought, this is someone I spent for Christmas is with.
This is someone I really used to care about. And I asked like, oh, do you want to hug and said no. I thought, oh my god, you're right now.
What he wanted to hug you before? Like was that? Was he never a hunting guy?
He was?
I mean, it's funny.
Maybe I forced him to be like a physical person when we were together, because I'm quite well.
I mean, that's probably a good sign that he in a way because the fact that he wasn't immediately like yes, like maybe when you do set those clear boundaries again, take none of my instructions.
Now that I think about it a second second, that's awful.
Don't take anything, Rachel says seriously, and I'm right behind her.
So you've got Catherine left only at Chelsea's instructions.
But I feel like this is an instruction only. I still think you're hung up on him. I don't know what it is, but you are giving off a vibe that you're into him and you want to get in and you're pretending that you want to be friends but you want to tell.
You way it is.
It's because why would there even be a t the fact that it's being discussed at all, Like, you wouldn't be thinking about it this much if you're talking thinking about talking to somebody again that you aren't attracted to anymore or have no lingering feelings for it.
It would just be like you do or you don't.
Like I feel like you wouldn't waste this precious time with my brilliant advice. Oh but I mean, like, I don't know, there's probably something there. Yeah, so maybe take a take a look at it.
I think there is probably something there.
I don't think I want to pursue anything like we had, like you know, we were living together for four years. I don't think I want to pursue that again. And I do want to pursue something more open with other people. And I've started recently dating again, which is felt interesting and nice. But I think I think, Chelsea, you might be right that there are some lingering feelings.
You're the way you're.
Talking about it, it's just like you're you're something you want unfinished or something's unfinished.
Yeah, it's too whimsical. It's too whimsical or something. Something's not tracking.
Go get your tarot cards read. It's for a real answer. I like that.
I like that answer for this.
Yeah, if you want the truth, go get your tarot cards read.
And if he's not interested, I think you got to.
You got to give him space, like yeah, months before you reach out again.
And there's a lot of other beautiful Norwegians out there.
So that's what I say. I bet so I start my day. That's my morning affirmation.
You're very handsome, Ryan. I feel like you'll do well. I'm not worried about your numbers.
That's very generous.
Thank you all right, thank you so much, Ryan, Thanks Ryan, thank you three.
Thank you.
Guy.
He's like, I'm in Norway and never gets stark here.
No, yeah, he said.
He was like, this is the midnight sun now, so well, let's take a quick break and we'll be back with a quickie.
To wrap up.
Okay, and we're back.
We are back now. This email is not very quick, but I think the answer will be quick.
Let me try and stay focused, Rachel, You and I will be trying to focused if we both try to focus at the same time.
Who knows what kind of focus.
We can gather, Amanda says, Dear Chelsea, Chelsea, I adore you, and I hope my life looks like yours one day. My best friend of over twenty five years got married last November. I planned the bridle shower because she lost her mother the summer we were going into high school, so my mother and I spent over twenty five hundred
dollars on the Bridle show. She then had a destination bachelorette at Walt Disney World, which ended up costing me another two grand, and not to mention, she convinced me to get an annual pass because she claimed we would go back together in the next year, which was an additional five hundred dollars. Her wedding was a destination wedding in Mexico, which cost me over four grand, and I photographed her wedding, which is about a five thousand dollars value.
There was a lot of drama leading up to the wedding with price is right. There was a lot of drama leading up to the wedding with her and another bride'smaid being very selfish, and she proceeded to make my life a living hell for the rest of the year.
I think this is the other bridesmaid. My best friend.
The bride continued to ask me to be the bigger person through all of the events and bite my tongue and not say anything to her, and I did just that. The wedding, everything went off without a hitch. I was the maid of honor, so I hired someone to come with me and be able to shoot the wedding since I was in it. Fast forward to the last day
of the four day weekend we spent in Mexico. I admittedly got a little too drunk, which is something that is very uncharacteristic of me, and I haven't been that drunk in like seven years, and I lost all my inhibitions and said things to that other bridesmaid and her husband basically made a fool of myself. I have since apologized, but me and my best friend have not spoken since
the wedding. Now to my question, since I obviously have her wedding photos, I assume this is something she probably wants as it has all of her photos of her guests and her and her husband, and I don't want.
To just give her these photos for free.
My question to you is if I should send an email stating If she wants these photos, the dollar amount is xyz, and if she doesn't, I'm happy to delete them. I understand that money is not everything, but I'm a single woman running my own small business, and she has way more money than I do. And I've wasted over thirteen thousand dollars this last year on nothing. It was a waste of my time, a waste of my money. And I did all those things for her because I
thought we were important to each other. Obviously, over the last few months I missed her occasionally, but not quite as much as I thought I would. So please let me know if you think it's worth it to ask her to pay for the photos, or if I should not contact her unless she contacts me about them.
Thank you so much for your time. I love you all.
Keep doing the good work you do. Sincerely, Amanda, and no need to keep me anonymous. Let that bitch hear it a journey.
Jesus, fuck dear. What do you think, Rachel?
I think you should do a little less accounting, a little a little less tallying. Yeah yeah, I think if you give somebody something, you just give it to them. You're acting like an accountant. These are like the commission statements I get from my agency, like, you can't. You just got to give it to them, and you can't be like if I was this, if we were friends, then A, B and C. Personally, I think you might want to just give her her wedding photos and work
on your business. That's kind of what I think.
I agree, I agree, I understand you're if you can't find it in your heart or financially, like you can't not get paid for this, which you already agreed to do it without getting paid, so now you're adding a price for not talking to her.
It's the same thing that rachels talking about.
It's like tip for tap, like you should give them to her, and if if you don't feel comfortable you can't do that, then wait until she contacts you for them and then give them to her. But you shouldn't contact her and reach.
Out to her at all.
Class it's with a dropbox link with all her wedding photos like that I think is the only communication here.
Yeah.
Yeah, I wouldn't really be in the business of charging. I mean, you got to walk out of this as a bigger if it really was only a mistake that you made and you were completely provoked. Then your behavior in this instant should be to show grace so that she can detect or you know, infer what really happened in the long run. You know, you're just like shutting the door on the friendship another way by saying, hey, you owe me money for this, so yeah, release the
wedding count. This isn't the advice you wanted to hear, but skip it. And when you have lists that long of what people have done to wrong you, it's also time to like take a look at yourself. You can't just keep score all the time. It doesn't work that way.
Yeah.
No, I mean this is the kind of stuff that I do believe. Although I love the chapter email where you kind of like, you know, drunkenly said some things. That was the most fun part for me personally. I like when she hits the fan in a fun, loving tale. Sure, but I think that that might be maybe connected to holding on to all of this like resentment, all this talent, Like you don't want to be that tightly wound that you're crunching numbers every time you're hanging out with the friends.
No, you know, no, not at all. I would let it go.
Let it go everyone, Let it go. Rachel Feinstein, what a dream, What a dream, jew you've been Thank you guys. It's been nice to spend time with you. I look forward to spending more time with you in Hawaii.
I can't wait.
And everyone else who's listening that we'll see in Hawaii. So I'll see you in your thong and you'll see me in your in your thong as well.
Thank you guys so much. This was so fun. I had the best time. Bye, Rachel. Congrats.
Okay, So upcoming shows that I have you guys, Auckland, New Zealand, Wellington, New Zealand, Melbourne, Australia, Brisbane and Australia, Sydney, Australia. We've added second shows to places that have sold out the first and then I'm gonna be in Hawaii on Maui, Ka, Huluey and Honolulu. I will be there in July. Also in July, I'm coming to Niagara Falls on July twenty seventh. I'm coming to Hollywood, Florida for my only show in
Florida on July twenty eighth. I'll be in Auburn, Washington on August first, and then Santa Rosa, California for my second show August second. August seventeenth is the Santa Barbara Bowl. You do not want to miss that. And then I will be all over Maine, Charlotte, North Carolina, Charleston, South Carolina. I'm coming to Texas. I'm coming to Saint Louis and Kansas City, and then I will be in Las Vegas
performing at the Chelsea Theater inside the Cosmopolitan Hotel. My first three dates in Vegas are September first, Labor Day weekend, and then November tewond and November thirtieth. I'm coming to Brooklyn, New York, at the King's Theater on November eighth, and I have tickets on sale throughout the end of the year in December, so if you're in a city like Philadelphia or Bethlehem, or San Diego or New Orleans or Omaha, check Chelsea handler dot com for tickets.
Okay, if you'd like.
Advice from Chelsea, shoot us an email at Dear Chelsea podcast at gmail dot com and be sure to include your phone number. Dear Chelsea is edited and engineered by Brad Dickert executive producer Catherine Law and be sure to check out our merch at Chelseahandler dot com