Anonymous Tattletale with Julianne Hough

Hi, Catherine, Hi Chelsea.

Hi.

We're in my new home. Finally we're set. We're recording our podcast in my new home. I have a podcast room. Doug is here, passed out on the ground. I want him to sit on the couch next to me, but he refused. He's not like that.

He's not He's a follower, but he's not a cling a follower. You know what I was really shocked by.

Yesterday he like brought me his little toy and I tossed it and he just bounced around after it.

I know, in the morning, it's like he's at Kangaroo. He jumps around, up and down and.

You don't hear him. The other night, I woke up.

I sleep with eye shades on, and I rolled over and I felt this hot breath on my face and I was like, wait a second, No one's supposed to be in my bed tonight. And I lifted my eye shades and he was staring straight at me in the middle of the night. And he's so dark it's hard to even see him, but his eyes I could see them stare and it was so creepy, like a lover staring at you while you're sleeping.

I've got men doing that, and I'm like, pull it. Don't fuckings stare at me. We'll sleep in you weirdo.

Even with Doug, who you absolutely love, it's still a little weird.

I know, I love him, and I love that he doesn't want to sleep with me, Like he comes up to say good night and then he leaves and then some but he's so soft and agile that he will come up on the bed and just you don't.

Even know he's there, and all of a sudden you turn around.

You're like, oh, hello, Doug, Oh Doug. Well, do you have any shows coming up?

Yes, we added we're adding a third Montclair show to New Jersey because the first two shows are sold out. And first of all, the Santa Barbara Bowl is August seventeenth. Then I have Saratoga, then I have Highland, California. My first date in Vegas is September first. I'm coming to Foxwood Casinos in Connecticut on September seventh.

I'm coming to Portland, Maine.

On September sixth, And you can go to Chelsea Handler dot com because I have dates throughout the rest of the year and all my Vegas dates are up, so I'm gonna be in Vegas starting my residency on the first of September, and then the next date is November second, and then the next Vegas state is November thirtieth. So these are all big holidays, so get your tickets for that. And oh yeah, and we just added something. We added a casino date because you know how much I love to gamble.

Let's see where that is.

Oh, Carlton, Minnesota. Everybody the Black Bear Casino Resort Friday, October eighteenth.

I will be there. That just went on sale. So yeah, get your tickets for that. Our guest today is an actress, dancer, singer, entrepreneur, founder of dance and fitness program Kinergy, and she's also now and author. Her new novel Everything We Never Knew, is out this week. Please welcome. Julianne Huff. Oh, hello, sweet cheeks. Hello, how are you? I'm great?

But your kitchen looks so I love that color and that tile.

I love that.

I just five seconds ago was like, oh does the book look good there?

Do I need to put this?

You know, let me write my book front and center. Julianne, This is Catherine I, my co host producer. I'm always impressed when any celebrity who has I've never written a novel writes a novel. I'm blown away by the balls that it takes to write a novel.

Thank you.

I don't know if you noticed this, though I did actually put my my ghost writer on the cover with me.

Well, yes, I did notice that. I did read the book. I read, I saw that you had a co writer. But still, it takes a lot of balls to write a novel out of left field, So talk to us about it.

Thank you.

Because I also suspect that this is partially I don't want to say autobiographical, but adjacent to autobiographical. I'm sure there are nuggets in there that mimic your real personal experience.

Absolutely, I mean it is. I think somebody called it factional, where it's like it's obviously fictional, but it is clearly

To my life.

I know exactly what you're talking about going to I should start writing novels too.

That would be a that would be quite a shroud. People would be like, we're onto you.

First of all, your transformation in the past five six years however long it's been, is visible.

You've documented it. On Instagram. You talk a lot.

About your spirituality, your dance. I know you started your dance program Kinergy, which has been huge for you, and a lot of the book and you in person, I know focus on the four Elements, and I wanted to talk about that for our listeners who are not up to speed on the four Elements or may look at it and be like, Okay, that's a little bit too hokey or.

Too woo wooh.

Yeah, I think it's important to explain what they are and how they impact.

Us all absolutely well.

I mean I feel like one you've you've dabbled in some plant medicine and stuff like that and documented it. I think there's a lot of things that I've taken from different modalities and practices, whether it be like shamanism and the elements for tai Chi and chigong, and like Eastern sides of philosophy and really try to put it into k Energy, which is my dance modality that is

This is where the wu wu comes in.

But like energy is in everything, I mean it is in the plants, everything is alive, and so tapping into what's around us and the resources that are around us, ancient that's been here a way longer than we have, and just the wisdom I mean, water holds memory, all.

Sorts of things like that.

So being able to connect to those elements and also within ourselves, I mean that's where I found a lot of my trust in my knowing and my discernment and who I am. And you know, for years, I've given my power away to so many other people and got burned along the way. So I'm like, I really need to learn how to trust myself. And that's why the elements have been so.

Powerful for me, and what are the four elements.

Oh, yes, air, fire, water, earth, And then if you want to talk about the fifth element, which is either it's a combination of all.

Yeah.

I like what you're saying about because everyone has a different connection to all of those things. And whether it's a deep connection or it's something that you just kind of you know, think is around and it doesn't impact you at all, then it's a little bit you haven't

You know, all of those things. But there are deeper connections that all of us have to all of these things, whether it is fire, whether it is air.

But more importantly, what you just said, I think is really interesting about wisdom and that we have so much wisdom within us that we've carried intergenerationally from our ancestors and from human beings that you know, the conversation just feels like in our modern life, it feels like it

Things that we do know when we know them.

Yeah, you don't know what you don't know until you know it.

And I think there has to be a level of curiosity, and you don't get to that level of curiosity unless either an event.

Has occurred where you're like, WHOA, I need.

To shift something, or I don't know, there's just a there's a hunger and a drive for more.

I don't know.

I think that that is what changed and transformed my life was I had an experience that happened that opened my eyes, which is basically how you know she's very supernatural and had all these experiences happen. I had very similar ones happen, and I was like, what the if I am going insane?

Maybe this is a psychotic breed.

But like I'm seeing colors, I'm hearing, you know, things, I'm intuiting things that there's no way I would have had this awareness of. But I'm having like this oneness experience with someone else and I don't even know this person. And when I say hear things, I'm not like hearing voices, but you know, like synesthesia where it's like you actually, you know, Beethoven he heard color. I don't know that was exactly correct, but like.

It was, I slept. I slept with Beethoven, and it is thank you, thank.

You for that.

But for me, it's like I was hearing things, but it was like but it was a knowing and a feeling, and so those things were starting to happen, and I was like what is happening here? And instead of freaking out getting scared, I just got curious and I started like researching and learning and diving into things and really tried to just, i don't know, embrace it rather than be scared of it.

Can you give us an example of something that you experienced.

Yeah, absolutely so. I was actually at this retreat seminar and there was a bunch of us there, and I remember being in this deep meditation and I didn't know a lot of the people there, but I closed my eyes and I'm starting to go, you know, connect and go into that state. And then all of a sudden, I was like, ooh, I feel I feel like I'm in Europe. I smell mold and it's musty. I feel very young right now. I feel like I'm like three or five years old, somewhere around that era or that age.

I was like, what the fuck?

So clearly I wasn't experiencing all the details that she went through, but I was having those heightened senses, and I was like, what that is very strange.

Or of someone else's experience, which is strange.

Yeah, from someone else's experience. And this was not plant medicine, this was nothing. This was just meditation. And then you know other experiences where I'd be sitting with somebody and we have an a normal conversation and I'd be like, did you have a dog at twelve that was black

Yeah, So the main character in the book Everything We Never Knew does see auras, sees people's auras, and so that is something that I can relate to that. And I don't know if I can relate to the color seeing colors, because I know I've spoken to mediums or psychics or anything of that ilk that have said, Okay, this is the color, this is your aura.

It's always green or blue or something.

But there's definitely like I can you know when I see somebody.

You have a vibe, right, you have a vibe right away.

That's that synesthesia thing where it's like I'm feeling even I can feel this color even though I'm not seeing it.

And so you experienced that a lot. Yes, So you're intuitive.

Do you think you're an into it or like, do you think you're slightly psychic?

Like how would you categorize it?

So I think that's why this book was really important for me, because I'm like, this was an activation of some sort and you know there were very powerful moments. I haven't had a lot of those moments consistently, but I've had these experiences and I think that there was an activation that happened. But sometimes when it just gets stuck in your lower chakras, you can pop into these

Well, mostly ego too. I mean that's the first enemy against any of this, right.

Yeah, And obviously, like ego is in the way that we see it is it's a terrible thing. Like we don't want ego, but ego is going to be with us the rest of our lives, so you better get to know it and have a relationship with it. Otherwise again, it's going to have the power over you if you know, if you're just trying to avoid it.

So, you know, finding all of.

Those things, I was like, this is within all of us, and so how do I make this like a really fun, exciting, joyful, transformational experience for people to dive into. It doesn't feel so intimidated as to reading like a self help book or like a book on spirituality, you know, And like I was like, I just want it to be like a fun story where people can, like I don't know,

The character in your book, too, is an ex Mormon, and I know I think you are ex Mormon, right you still Mormon?

Are you like officially not Mormon or yeah?

I don't think I like officially like denounced it.

I just stopped going.

But you know, my dad is still active in the church. And none of my other siblings or my.

Mom are not.

And who do you think, like so far in your life has been your greatest teacher.

My greatest teacher.

I think my family system so like my like, I'm I'm an observer.

I watch.

I'm the baby of the family.

You're the youngest of five, right, youngest of five?

Yeah, so you know, like we're cut from the same cloth. We have a lot of the same you know, wounds and stuff. So I'm like, I'm watching how my siblings behave or react to things, or I see my mom. In fact, I had this conversation with her back in twenty seventeen when for years I was like, my mom is so sensitive and she cries at everything, and like, you know, like I had this negative association with her.

I didn't think she was strong.

So I for a long time looked down at my mom because I was like, she's hyper sensitive, she's emotional, she's she was very manic when I was a kid in her expressions and it was very unstable in a way of like not feeling like consistent. And so I remember having this conversation with her. I was like, Mom, I was like, I'm so sorry, Like I totally judged you because it was the thing that like affected me. But like, I realize I am actually more like you

And I think that's very poignant about your mom, because I think so many of us forget to recognize that our parents are people with their own lives before we entered the picture, and we don't see them like that until we get old enough to gain some sort of perspective and awareness that no, those are people too. They're not just your parents, they actually had their own histories. I was mad at my parents for ever having a

You got to like erase her from your mind.

But this very immature way of thinking about experiences, like you're supposed to be the first experience that that person's had. It's like that is not the way the world works in it, And it is a very immature way of thinking about your parents in only their relationship to you or in relation to you only. It's like they have a whole world that you don't know about before you came along.

So that's interesting to say.

Okay, on that note, we're going to take a break and we're going to be right back and take some questions.

This week, we're looking for friendship conundrums. If you've just been dealing with something in your friendship and you're not sure how to navigate it, write in for advice at Dear Chelsea podcast at gmail dot com.

And we're back with Julianne Huff and her new book Everything We Never Knew?

All right, are you ready to answer some questions?

I'm ready. That's just fun.

You guys appreciate it.

I think you're ready to therapize, Julietam. I can tell you're going to be very good at this. Is well.

Our first question comes from Anna. This was just a write in, she says, Dear Chelsea, you say and do whatever you want, never wondering what others think.

Hah, that's what you think.

I wish I had your courage in my everyday life, which brings me to my question. I'm going to be starting a new job in June and most recently became comfortable in my sexual identity. I identify as bisexual. I'm proud and happy and excited to start this journey, and I want to share it with the world. The one thing that holds me back is my job. The label of being a bisexual is very taboo, and people still think it must make you us lut. I was wondering

Listen, I would.

My advice is always just to go full throttle with who you are and make no apologies about who you are. Because if you're saying that your workplace, I don't know what she didn't mention what kind of workplace it is, and.

I think it's like an office.

Frankly, it doesn't really fucking matter.

Because you're saying that they want to become more LGBTQ friendly. I would take that as a personal que to help them do that. And you can have as much rainbow decoration around your office as you want. And if you don't feel like disclosing that personal information because it is kind of personal, you don't have any reason to say announce I'm bisexual, nor should you be ashamed at all

This is the way forward.

This is the future, and I'm here to embrace everybody, no matter what their belief systems, and then everybody can figure out when they figure out what they're going to figure out about you. But you don't owe it would be like me going, oh, I had sex last night with a man.

Nobody needs to know that, you know what I mean. That's not appropriate anyway for the office.

But I also wouldn't lie about my sexual orientation, you know what I mean. So I would say, don't lie, but be very forward. You can be demonstrative about your support for the community. Yeah, what do you think, Julianne.

You know, it kind of goes back to everything I'm saying about trusting yourself and having your own discernment, because for a long time in my experiences, I wanted so badly to be understood that I shared everything because I was like, but if they know me and they have text and they know all the things, then they'll know that I'm a good person. Or then they'll know that you know, and then they'll accept me. But if they don't know, I guess they'll never know. But I realize

And I would also say to think of yourself as like a thought leader. You have an opportunity. You're going into a new job and there are some older people that are more traditional that aren't really up to speed. That's an opportunity to show them the way.

Yeah, they might ask questions, they might be curious, and maybe you're the first bisexual person that's in their life and you know, they know they like you, so maybe all this is great and it won't be so scary to approach.

I feel like a lot of people judge what they don't understand, and so there might be an opportunity for you to be a really beautiful like Chelsea said, like thought leader and like educator without having to project it. But just if people want to know. You're so excited if you want to support your community.

Also, the bisexual Pride flag is fantastic, so maybe get one of those to add into the mix.

Yeah for it.

Well, our next question comes from Jackie, and this is a bit of a doozy.

I'm very excited for jack Love, she says.

Dear Chelsea, I need your help because I have gotten myself into not just a pickle, but a whole damn cucumber. I pride myself on not getting involved in work drama, but I'm a fool and have gotten into some. A coworker of mine, let's call her Jane, has been having a year long affair with our coworker Tom. Tom had a girlfriend of five years during their affair, but he recently broke it off with his girlfriend and is now single.

Jane loses her.

Mind and I reach back out to Sarah to get clarity on the timeline of their relationship. It turns out their affair didn't overlap with Jane's, but he had sent her some really sketchy texts in recent months, saying she's the best sex he's ever had, etc. I also realized Sarah is a bit crazy and now thinks she has strong feelings for Tom. It's on everything she shared with me. Tom hates me now, which is fine. Sarah also now hates me and locked me from contacting her.

But hello, we work together, so can we be a little more mature.

Jane and I are very close, but now it's weird because she loves Tom so much and doesn't seem to care about how much of a liar he is. Let alone, he might have hooked up with another girl, which he denies. I reached out to Sarah to apologize, but she's blocked me. She has every right to be mad, but blocking feels extreme. Did I do the right thing?

Here?

Where do I go from here?

My logic was telling Jane if the situation was reversed, is that I'd want to know.

But I regret everything.

In hindsight, I would have kept my mouth shut, but and let the chips fall where they fall. Jackie and one terrible cucumber.

Oh, Hi Jackie, Hi Jackie. That's so funny, like ask this letter.

This is Julianne guests today.

This is so cool.

It's so funny, Like as you're going through, like I always tell everyone, tell on men, you know what I mean, Always have a girl's back, Always have a girl's back, right, But this is such a convoluted situation that of course a fucking backfe like it's because no one's in a real relationship. Everyone's just sleeping together, so there's no commitment, right, that's being broken, Like no one really.

Gives a shit. Yeah, and yet they do.

I mean they give a shit but no. But I think it's really funny that you did all this. Now everyone's mad at you. I think you have to just give it a little bit of time, and I think you should probably just leave a letter on Sarah's desk or and all of their desks and just say, Okay, I learned my lesson. I was an interloper. I should not have gotten involved, and I'm really sorry. I didn't

My intention was never to destroy our friendship.

I hope that you can forgive me, you know what I mean, Just come from a place of supporting women, because that's really where you were coming from.

Yeah, that's fully it.

I did reach out to Sarah and write her like kind of the letter, but didn't go into all those details.

Still blocked me. I did shoot her a Venmo request.

I gave her five dollars on Venmo privately to be like, hey, if you want to talk, like, would love to Still blocked me, hates me, like, wants nothing to do with me.

So I'm just kind of leaving it alone.

Yeah, leave it alone. Leave it alone for a while. You have to give it like a month or two, you know what I mean. If she's pissed like that, then she needs time to calm down, and she will, she will calm down. Everybody just needs like a month or two. Some people need longer and some people need a shorter amount of time. But don't be annoying or like a pest about it. Just give her some space. When someone asks for space, give them double Yeah.

Good call, good call.

So do you think I shouldn't have gotten involved at all in the first place?

I mean, it sounds like this guy is just fucking his way through the office, So like you know what I mean, Yeah, your next block, your Pikachu if.

You don't want any action.

But I mean no, I respect that you wanted to get involved and tell these girls, but it just doesn't seem like anyone. I mean, he's in a relationship now, he's out of a relationship.

Jane. Is she in a relationship or she's just in a relationship with him?

Jane and Thomas trying to be in one whatever that means.

They're trying to be together.

Okay, well, don't be so judgy about that because I can see your judgment. Maybe they will be together and then, you know what I mean, So you have to accept your responsibility. I don't know if you made a mistake. It sounds like you kind of did, like you got too involved with everybody. But I probably would have advised you to do the same thing, because I want to be a girl's girl too, Like I don't want women being lied to in my presence. I don't like it, and I will always tell women the truth.

Yeah, And the thing is, like, at the end of the day, everyone's really upset with Tom. This is sort of misdirected anger at you. But only did was take the lid off of it.

I was gonna say that.

I mean, I feel like when people need that space, they're trying to process like oh I feel embarrassed or I feel like I've done something wrong now even though like this wasn't my fault, but now now the office knows or now other people know, and so letting them calm down and figure out what they're feeling and processing. Also, it's probably just you know, projection of everybody's own experiences of like do I get involved do I not and get involved judging is this the right thing or the

What do you guys do?

Like what do you you and Tom do during your dates?

What kind of conversations you have?

Like I always try to ask questions so that they can find the answer for themselves versus, you know, sharing like, ah, this is what's happening. I see this because that's my viewpoint of what's right and what's wrong versus you know, letting them discover that.

Yeah, that's that's a good call out. I've been Jane and Tom since the start of their affair, and I was supportive and not judgy as much as I could be, with kind of nudging like you said, but just seeing how it's all progressed and how messy it's gotten me more involved and I'm like, okay, I need to stalk well.

And by the way, it's not fair for you to also like have this information, so I agree, like always have your friends back and support your women, because also it's not fair that you have this information.

What do you do with it?

You know?

Yeah, I would also just have a sense of humor about this whole situation. Yeah, oh yeah, don't take it so seriously, Like I understand it's kind of a bummer.

That three people aren't talking to you at work, but hopefully you have some other friends there, and just make it a joke. You fucked up, you were being a nosy nelly or whatever, you know, take the blame for yourself you can afford to.

And it's true what Julianne just said.

Anyone who like, you know, and you're dating a guy and you find out, oh, we had sex with somebody else in the office, Like that's embarrassing. That's embarrassing to your friends because you want your friends to know that he respects you and that he loves you, and then he just broke up with his five year girlfriend for you or whatever the case may be.

So just have a sense of.

Humor about it and let some time pass and don't be on them to clear the air so quickly.

Just let them have some space.

Yeah, I mean since then, so the Jane and me are like cool, We're good.

It's weird, but we're cool. I'm just like keeping my business, minding my business.

Mom and me had some heated texts and then like we haven't really spoken since, so I'm just gonna kind of leave.

Him alone and let uh huh be normal.

Right, And then with Sarah, I'm just gonna like leave her alone entirely, yeah, and.

Just let her, I guess maybe come to terms with it.

But like she really hates me, Like even on email thread she'll put me like last, and I'm like, okay, this is really petty.

But sure.

Yeah, well, I mean you did go out to lunch with her, she confided in you, and then you went and told everybody no, So like you have to take responsibility for that, you know what I mean?

Yeah? Do you think it's wild?

Though?

It's been a month and she won't hear me out like I feel like in my normal experiences, people at least eventually hear you out.

They will they when they calm down, they calm down.

There is no time limit, Like, you can't assign that time limit for her. She will calm down at some point, but if you're needling her and getting in and trying to get it's not going to work.

So you just have to get give her extra space.

And there will be an opportunity that will present itself where you could do something nice for her around the office, or a favor for her, or you know, just in that moment. Take that opportunity when it arises, and don't expect anything in return, you know, just to soften the ice.

Yeah, I mean, if this were me in misposition, I would probably do a very very like short and sweet, I fucked up, Take your time whatever you need, and like leave it and then just let go of the grip that you're wanting to like make us right, because she can feel that a mile away, you know, like she can feel the wold of like you're desperate trying to reconnect and nobody, nobody wants to have that feeling. So let go let it be and see what happens. Trust trust that it will come if it needs to.

And the other thing to remember is everything comes back around. Yeah, your relationship with her, there will be an opportunity that circles back in your direction to repair whatever happened.

You just have to trust that because that's the way the world works.

Yeah, that's what I'm hopeful for because my intentions were peer here. So eventually I think the dust will settle. But like I guess moving forward, would you, as you say, like tell on men, but like do we tell them?

Do?

I just like now I'm like, I would only do this for my best best best best best friend.

I don't know how to do this anymore.

No, I mean I think you, I think you learned a valuable lesson because it's like you didn't have all the facts.

They didn't sleep together, it didn't overlap, you know.

I mean, it's all just very kind of torrid office gossip.

So it's not like your friend.

Was married and you knew her husband was having an affair for several years. That's a more serious offense than an office relationship. And then now they're together and he's he's left his girlfriend. So I just think you should really like think carefully when you intervene on those things. But yeah, and since you had this experience, maybe take a break for a while.

Well that's silly part too, Okay, not the before me telling Jane, I did pull like a select group of my friends who are very removed from the situation and.

Don't know, and they're like, you have to tell her, you have to tell her. I was like, are you all fucking sure?

Like, I don't know if I want to tell her, but they all encourage me to, so clearly, people have a lot of thoughts about this.

So yeah, And I always think when you tell someone something, it it's better to be anonymous as well, so that you don't have to It's like, there's that site where you're going to sign up for anonymous coworker dot com and send an email like your breath smells your fucking your heart and I know you fart, Like you can always send it an honest email, and that way you don't have to fucking worry about telling the truth because it's it's just out there.

You told them, and you don't it's not on you.

Yeah, a good call. I haven't looked into that.

Yeah. And then today you have a great cocktail party story.

Yeah, all right, thanks so much, Jackie.

Let us know how it all shakes out.

Okay, this is been awesome.

Thank you guys, Bye bye. It's funny too, like tell some First of all.

It's so fucked up to go and tell someone a secret, and then I have them fucking tell everyone the next day.

It's like, wait, that's not girl power either. She's like she's girl power for one girl, but not for one And she was like mad at the guy for like calling this girl crazy.

And then she's like, but she.

Might be crazy. Yeah, I know, yeah.

Blocked on Venmo I think is my favorite. Like Petty, that's like.

I don't even want your money.

Well, our next caller is Nicole. She is thirty eight.

She says, Dear Chelsea, I'm recently separated from my husband of almost five years. I was over the marriage about two years ago, but never pulled the trigger. I'm not sure that we should have ever been married in the first place. There were kind of red flags all over the place. I truly feel that things and people are put into your life when you need them. Your podcast included I met a guy through a hobby and he was the reason I finally decided to leave the marriage.

Is that fair to my ex and this new guy.

I recently found out that the new guy is still talking to someone that he used to date, who quote broke his heart, and is it fair for me to ask him to stop talking to her. I want to be official with this new guy, but I'm having a hard time with the fact that I'm still married on paper, and it wouldn't be fair to ask him to stop talking to her because I'm still married. I also don't know if the feelings I have are because it's new and exciting and what my marriage had been missing for years,

Nicole, Hi, Hi, This is Julianne Half, our special guest today.

Hello to meet Nicole.

Thanks to meet you too.

Well, it sounds like two different situations, like you're done with your ex husband. That's pretty clear. Regardless of whether you're still officially married. I don't think that's really relevant because you're working towards not being married.

Correct event Ulie, not anytime soon?

But because why insurance? Oh okay, well, but that's fine. That's just like a I have a question.

Are you separated? And does your husband technically know that you have a relationship not legally separated.

He's out of the house. Okay, he knows that we're separated, but you've.

Made like a verbal declaration that you guys are separated and that you are dating other people, et cetera.

He doesn't know I'm dating other people.

Okay, Okay, Well, I just want to give the facts before we get know.

I like your investigative work.

An he didn't want the divorce, and I feel like there's no reason to kick him while he's down. I guess, you know, and let him know that I'm seeing somebody else already.

Well, that's judgment on your end, by the way you whether you're seeing somebody or not, there's a choice in that, and you don't have to judge that. Also, the second thing I will say is, even though it's hurtful for somebody to hear something, clarity is the best thing that you can give somebody, because the not knowing but feeling something is much more disheartening. And clarity, even though it can be painful to hear in the moment who it

I couldn't agree with that more.

I think you think when you're protecting somebody, you're actually usually doing more damage.

He's not a child, he's an adult.

You're getting a divorce, and the quicker he knows that you're moving on to someone else, the quicker he's going to be able to process that and get over the relationship ending, and you too.

You know, I don't see him processing though. I mean we talked about therapy, never did therapy. He wasn't a communicator. He was like, would ignore me for days when something bothered him. So I don't know how he would process it. And his mother passed away in May, so that kind of threw a curveball and in everything. So it's like, I don't want to tell you I'm dating after your mom just passed away, and after I wanted this divorce.

Well, and there's a reason why you're wanting to get a divorce, and you're not responsible for him, and as you're separating, you're you're moving to be less responsible for him.

So even though.

You're dating somebody else and moving this direction, you're still taking care of his emotions and what he needs when that's why you're leaving the really not why you're leaving the relationship, but that's not your responsibility anymore. And he's going to have to deal with things when people die, When certain things happen, life continues to happen, and it's on that person to figure out how they're going to show up and deal with that. But the clarity is key. I will just say that hands down.

Well, So back to one of the other questions in the letter, though, should I figure out what this new relationship is before I'd throw that out there or it's like it's going to happen regardless of just get it over with.

Well, you mentioned that the guy that you're seeing is talking to his ex, right, Yes, in what.

Kind of context do you know?

I don't know.

No.

I think what you should focus on just hearing you talk and all of us being together right now is cleaning up your side of the street. I don't think you should worry about what your new boyfriend is doing. How to categorize or qualify this new relationship. I think you have to be very forthright and use this as like a stepping stone to become the newer, better version of you. That means being honest with your ex husband. His mom died in May. She didn't die yesterday. People

Dating someone or seeing someone.

Then you can go to this guy and say, Okay, now that we're in this new thing, how many months has this been going on with this new guy?

Pretty much right after my husband moved out, so four months?

Four months? Great?

You could say, listen, I'm having feelings for you. I'm not sure where this is headed, but I do have feelings for you. I've let my husband know that I'm singing you where are you?

Like?

Where? Or do you stan? How? I know you're talking to your ex? What is that about? Is that something that is?

It might be be rekindling, like let's just be honest as possible with each other, and that way no one gets that hurt. It's the dancing around subjects and not wanting to deal with conflict that creates conflict.

Yeah, there is one other element too. I think totally agreeing that clarity is the right thing here. And I think your ex may have some questions about like where did you meet this person? How long have you been seeing each other, etc. And I don't think that you owe him those details. I think you can just say, like, I'm seeing other people, I'm moving on, I'm starting to date.

Do you think it's appropriate to be staying with my married to my husband just for insurance?

I think that's a question that like, it depends on your family at some point. Obviously you do need to make that break. But you guys have kids together, right, No?

I have two kids from a previous okay relationship, but his insurance does cover them. What do you feel I feel like I've put up with a lot from him through our marriage that I deserve to keep the insurance. But my therapist and my mother do not feel that way.

Do you think that if you're at honest with him about you seeing other people, he's going to ex but this divorce and that you were going to lose the insurance.

I feel like he would be vindictive in a way and do it just to get off of the insurance.

Yeah, I still wouldn't allow that to prevent you from being honest.

Do you have a job, do you have the ability to get your own insurance.

I do, but his is just great insurance. He doesn't pay for it, and I've met my out of pocket deductibles in my MAX for the year, so that's the big reason. So now it's like, oh, now I can get my therapy paid for. Now I can go and get all the other stuff I need done.

And yeah, I hear that, but it's manipulative. He may not cut you off as your insurance. You might be surprised by his reaction. It's just like Catherine said, just say I'm seeing this as this is a separation and that we are moving towards divorce at some point.

And we don't have to do that right away.

We don't have to decide right away, but I want you to know that I'm seeing people and let's see what happens with him. I don't think your happiness is worth the insurance in the long run. I understand what you're saying, but there's other avenues for you.

It's not like this is the only avenue.

I would add to that too with the insurance. And I don't know your relationship or the dynamic of who he is either, but like at least present the option so that they have a choice to react how they want to react, and maybe saying like, you know, part of us being separated is the direction that we're heading.

Yeah, and give him the truth of the matter.

It's not cool to make decisions for other people by keeping information from them. Give him all the information and then let him decide how he wants to proceed, and he'll he may surprise you and be like, Okay, of course, I'll give you to the end of the year for your insurance.

This is good for me to know.

It's hurtful and it's painful, but I'm glad that you were honest with me. You can't beat honesty.

You're gonna have to deal with it at some point anyway, so might as well do it now before it gets over with haangled, well, before it gets more entangled and more painful for.

Both of you. Yeah, Yeah, it's time you so go woman up to the situation. Okay, we'll be all right. Thank you, Nicole, Okay, thank you, Nicole, thank you.

All Right, we'll take a quick break and we'll be right back to wrap up, and we're back with Julianne Huff.

I knew you'd be perfect at this. Julianne, you know this.

Is great with strangers.

You know, this is usually just me and my sister.

And my mom.

I know.

I sometimes have my sisters on the podcast to give advice too, because I'm like, they're like, you're you're always fucking yelling at us. We want to yell at some people. Come on, Juliane, congrats on your book. It's called Everything We Never Knew, And you've been wonderful and I loved bumping into you as briefly as I did when we were on a plane a few weeks ago. I hope I bump into you more often. And thank you so much for being with us.

Oh my gosh, thank you both so much. Catherine, Chelsea, you guys are amazing, and I truly like, I'm grateful for what you're doing because having these conversations just allows for i don't know, taking the charge away for what you know, is scary. And when you can have a conversation with a bunch of women and feel supported even though we don't know each other, it's like it's pretty great.

Just show up.

Just ye get there first. Yeah, that's what the book's about too.

Yeah.

Absolutely, Okay, take care, Julianna, all right, thank you both.

Day, have a great day, by my life. Okay.

So upcoming shows that I have you guys. August seventeenth is the Santa Barbara Bowl.

You do not want to miss that.

And then I will be all over Maine, Charlotte, North Carolina, Charleston, South Carolina. I'm coming to Texas. I'm coming to Saint Louis and Kansas City, and then I will be in Las Vegas performing at the Chelsea Theater inside the Cosmopolitan Hotel. My first three dates in Vegas are September first, Labor Day weekend, and then November two and November thirtieth.

I'm coming to.

Brooklyn, New York, at the King's Theater on November eighth, and I have tickets on sale throughout the end of the year in December, so if you're in a city like Philadelphia or Bethlehem or San Diego or New Orleans or Omaha, check Chelsea handler dot com for tickets.

Okay, if you'd like advice from Chelsea, shoot us an email at Dear Chelsea podcast at gmail dot com and be sure to include your phone number. Dear Chelsea is edited and engineered by Brad Dickert executive producer Catherine Law and be sure to check out our merch at Chelseahandler dot com.