Alone is Not a Bad Word with Chelsea’s Sisters, Simone and Shoshanna

Hello, Catherine, Hi Chelsea, how are you?

I am coming to you live from Los Angeles, Los Angeles.

I can't believe it, you're actually here in your house.

I know I'm not from Los Angeles.

I'm so.

I did Nueva yure Si, but I'm Pedro Estoi and Los Angeles.

I am.

I have a new assistant who only speaks Spanish to me, and I'm hoping that he will cut it out because we are not communicating well. I'm like, I only want you to speak Spanish and now then like three sentences in, I'm like, okay, a little bit of.

English, you know what, starting with Panglish is fine.

But I'm home. I'm a home in Los Angeles. I haven't been here in forever.

My house is still not done, but I'm living in it, and Doug is here. And Doug loves me, and that is really the most important part of this story.

Are you two having a love reconnection.

He's so sweet, he loves me, He gets into bed, we play together, he follows me everywhere.

I mean, this is exactly what I was hoping for.

And my bell, he does not give a shit about my bell, and that is exactly what I was looking.

For he's bonded with you.

Yeah. Yeah, we have a really ridiculous episode today.

And I want to preface this episode by telling our listeners that I had my sisters back on the podcast because everybody really seemed to enjoy it last time, and everyone really enjoyed my niece episode, so.

I mistakenly booked them again.

And one of them is a hot fucking mess during this entire podcast, and I can't wait for you guys to figure out which person that is and understand why. The other sister, who was also on this podcast episode, has since told me they are no longer available to do podcast.

When she said that is it.

We're done with your podcast and you were done with us.

I'm so sad. We love them, we love them on the podcast.

I cannot believe this episode. I hope you guys enjoy it, and please let us know your thoughts. Please welcome Shoshana and Simone Handler.

Hello, what are we talking about?

You guys?

We're talking You guys are doing the same fucking thing we did last time. We're giving counseling with Catherine. We're taking live callers.

Before that, before the call, we're gonna well, I don't know.

What did you take today?

Anything special for your performance this afternoon? Are you on anything that we need to know about, Shshana.

No, I'm not anything. That's a lie. I think you took something.

No, I didn't.

What would you prescribe doctor Handler a beta blocker? I would prescribe her a beta blocker. Actually, I've prescribed Simone a beta blocker before and with what success. Actually, for anyone who's listening, these are my two sisters, Simone and yes, Shashaana, I know that you're on something. I can tell by the smile on your face that you took something, and that's okay. You're allowed to take something if it calms your nerves to talk to people.

Okay, let's go, do you.

Anyway?

These are my sisters, Simone and Shoshana, and they are back by popular demand.

For ciss Cissy Advice.

Truly popular, like your episode is one of our most listened to last year.

Don't tell them they're gonna want to get into my cash flow if they know that, so don't give them too much background.

Okay, please, Catherine, keep it to yourself.

Girls, you know what we can talk about.

Actually, to open up our episode today, we're going to talk about the fact that this was funny.

I have a friend, Sophie.

She came to visit us on vacation and she she was telling us about an recent experience she had at work getting an anonymous three sixty review. So the people that report to you or her in her case, reviewed her performance as a CEO and gave her feedback about herself. But I don't know why it's called an anonymous three sixty because it's not that.

It's pretty obvious telling, you know.

So anyway, she pitched the idea at our life summer vacation on the Vineyard when we were all together that we should do a performance anonymous three sixty review our family members our family members to see who fucking has earned the right to be on the trip and who hasn't, you know, like who's contributing? What does this person bring to the table. Does this person make drinks for everyone? Does this person cook?

You know what?

And everybody's on board.

Everybody got it very very nervous, and especially Shshana and Simone were like, we're not doing that. And I was like, I think it's a great idea, and Sewn is like, well, who's gonna review you.

I'm like, I have no secrets review me. I already know what you all think of me.

And the only ones that really need to be nervous are the in laws.

Yeah, that's right, and they know why.

Yeah, but I mean, you know you can't you come to the family. You know, your personality should have been checked before the marriage, not now twenty years later.

Yeah, if they're gonna get booted.

No, because of the exposure, the repetitive exposure that I'm subjected to, has made me rethink my strategy.

Gee, I didn't know twenty years ago.

That I wasn't gonna want a vacation with everybody all the time. Now I know because I've done it so many times that I have Like I it would be called a non anonymous three sixty. Actually we renamed it a non monogamous three sixty, which I'm not sure what that has anything to do with, but that's where we went with it. So anyway, just thoughts that are spinning around. That's the kind of vacations we have. I threaten my family when we go away that this may be the last trip ever.

And that's pretty much the pattern.

But let's face it, it's the in laws that are going to be at the top of the list.

Okay, all right, well I guess you're trying to build immunity for yourself.

But yeah, this is like survivor, it is.

But what I decided to do so another way for me to avoid my in laws is I don't even know why I have in laws.

I didn't get married, you know, why do I have to deal with this?

So I decided to take all my nieces and nephews to my Orca and I was like, this is a good work around to avoid the other adult set, you know, are kind of But now I have two interlopers, my brother Glenn and Roy have invaded the trip. So we're doing an all boys trip.

Apparently. I put them in.

A hotel together, in a hotel room with two beds for two sixty year old men, and I think that is going to be fucking out of this world an adventure.

And they're the two most opposite people you can put together, basically, like, you know, one's neat and one's a big slum.

Well, Roy travels with a garbage bag as his suitcase.

Well no, no, he goes shopping wherever he ends up and just buys some clothes there he travels.

Light shopping is in quotes because I wouldn't call what he's doing shopping. It's like he picks up the basic necessities. So he'll get boxer shorts and maybe a couple T shirts and some gross, you know, sweatpant outfit thing.

And something is he buys the T shirt from the place he's visiting, so all week long he's wearing the T shirt from the place the tourist buy. So it's like Martha's Vineyard all week or Edgartown and that's where he is. It doesn't make any sense.

Roy is very much like our father.

Our father was a slob, but not when he was younger, only when he was older.

Yes, he got older, everything went down.

It went downhill, right Like when I grew up. He would show up to my softball games. It was the sweaters covered in dog hair and just you know, embarrassing. It's like, yeah, slip on sneakers, what are those things that he wore?

Those where you little duck shoes, little l Yeah, but he.

Never put his foot fully in, so there's always half of his foot hanging.

It was just so gross.

Anyway, Roy has picked up some Seanna you have picked up some of the Dad's habits too.

By the way, Oh really, would you care to expand? I'm not sure I want to hear this.

You're gonna have to give examples.

I don't know. I mean, Simone, I don't know. You're not a slob.

I can give you one example that your driving skills are very much like Dad. Like you. Stops are just like a suggestion.

To you, but behind places like you're like weaving in and out of traffic.

Vashume he's a lunatic driver. I'm also not.

I'm also a driver that's better on my own than having any passengers because I don't want to hear about it what I'm up to on the road.

Listen, in New Jersey, it's every man for himself. You have to just survive, so you gotta do what you gotta do. It's genetic, though, is it. Yeah? I mean I learned to drive from him. We had to follow him to pick up used cars. And in order to follow him, you had to go through every red yellow light that existed just to stay with him because there was no you know, cell phone with directions like if you lost him, you were on your own and you would find a pay phone.

He would be like, Hey, I need you to come with me to pick up a car, and you're like fuck. And then you had to go follow him to Verona or West Orange or something. And he never would stop at stop signs. Yellow lights meant go, red lights meant go slow through them while you look both ways.

It was.

And then if you didn't keep up with him, he'd scream at you and be like, why weren't you following me?

It's like, because I'm he's not a fucking lunatic.

Yeah, that's why I drive that way.

Yeah.

I have some special driving skills too. They're not they're not great. I mean I I think they're great, but most people don't. Most people don't drive it with me because they they'll get sick. But Shashana when Charlie was a little girl, remember she she got cars sick the whole time. When you would take her to school every morning, they thought she was she had motion sickness, which she does, but it was because Shawna gave it to her drivers, which she was.

Shana.

She would just and then in Africa this summer she threw up on the plane.

No, she's had motion sickness. Every trip we've ever been on.

She really had motion sickness and it was more like for long drive.

Yeah, but she got the motion sickness from your driving.

Well, you're entitled to your opinion, Simon.

What do you have to say for yourself?

Not much. I'm at work, girl, So this is you know, this is a little low.

Well it's not that down low, Simon, because we have a lot of people that listen to this podcast, so they're gonna.

Find out, Oh, I'm at work.

Okay, So you're at work giving it life advice to people.

This is your lunch hour. It's fine.

Okay.

So you want to talk about menopause.

Sure, let's talk about that, because actually this is a subject.

Where are you with your menopause journey?

I don't know because I got an ablazion after Simone got one and she told me about it, and then I went and got one immediately, and I don't know if I where I am because I don't get a people the way, have.

You told your listeners about that procedure, because that.

Procedure is not very like well known and doctors don't talk about it.

An ablazion we've talked about it, Yeah, we have we have. Yeah, yeah, no, it's it's amazing. It's the best thing I've ever done. I mean not ever, but it's one of the best things I've ever done. It's amazing once you stop getting your period, that you just forget about periods altogether. Like it should be like more of a season of gratefulness to celebrate no more periods before you just ease into the rest of your life.

Because if someone.

I mean I would have gotten rid of it when I was sixteen, if I had known about this Ablasian thing.

But for most people, they have to go through everything else. I mean, most people are not getting an Ablasian to start menopause.

But they should.

Like that's my point, Like if people like goo, they suffer, they have heavy periods, they have accidents then, and the doctor never brings up that this is an option. That's my point is that it's like such a great option if you're done having kids.

And you had a good experience with that, Oh my.

God, it took like fifteen minutes and then my life was like back on track.

That's amazing.

It was literally anemic for like two years before that, and it just solved that problem overnight.

SHAWNA. Do you still get your period?

No, So a lot of people don't know this. The definition of menopause is the day. It's one day, twelve months after you've stopped getting periods. It's literally one day.

So good to know.

You're either premenopausal, which happens like for years before you actually go through menopause, or your postmenopausal, or you have menopause for one day. So there's pretty much before or after. So yes, I have I probably a year and a half, so I am postmenopausal, but I'm suffering from hot flashes, night sweats, mood swings, poor sleep, weight gain.

You wouldn't say that's menopause. You would say that's postmenopausal because those are all menopausal symptoms.

Now, all these symptoms can happen before, during, and after.

Yes, okay, So so menopause is the day you said, twelve months after you've had your last period. Yes, and it's just that one day, Yeah, like Halloween.

Exactly one day. I've never heard that before.

I always thought it was a period of time that you're having symptoms.

It's not the whole period of time.

No, people just confuse the term and it's just become like, you know, vernacular. But really it's not, you know, it's just the literally that one day that you're one year without any period.

So okay, well that's that's good information to know.

You know, but that all these symptoms can last from you know, a year to ten years even.

Yeah.

Yeah, I don't know if I have symptoms.

I mean I sometimes wake up sweaty and that that's something, But I don't know about other symptoms.

I don't know what are the other symptoms, memory.

Memory loss or memory problems, trouble, sleeping, hot splashes, night sweats, vaginal dryness.

Thank you, that sounds hot. Thank you for bringing that up. So it's like, what time is it is? It's not even noon. I want to talk about vaginal dryness. What are people supposed to do about vaginal dryness?

Lube? Is that what you're supposed to do?

And are you supposed to lubricate your vagina when you're having sex only or are you supposed to lubricate it all the time?

How does that work?

That seems like a subject for another project.

No, guys, this is a health podcast shown us A registered nurse, Simone works in the healthcare industry and I'm a doctor.

So between the three of us we can figure out.

So you can't explore hormones, hormone replacement or bioidentical hormones. And yes, you can supplement with loub.

Supplement with lube.

You're not supposed to lubricate your cayslopis every day, right.

I don't think we know the answer to that questioned Again.

I think the answer is no, no, no, pun intended or pun intended.

I do have a question about have you both been through menopause or like postmenopausal?

Yeah?

Yeah, So aside from the physical manifestations of it, are there any sort of like emotional positive emotional feelings that you've gotten, Like, yeah, great. You know, some cultures believe that postmenopausal women are like basically your like goddesses because you have that sort of strength of character and not giving a fuck that you do before you go through puberty. Are you feeling any of that? Are you feeling extra confident, happy, anything like that?

I feel like you get that with age, but I don't know that it's directly related to hormones or menopause.

I feel like after you get to a certain age, you start to give less and less of a fuck.

I mean about everything, and that you don't like people have opinions. You're like whatever, you just don't care. But I don't know that that's an effect of menopause. I think that menopause does have some like emotional like valleys, kind of like this same thing when you're having your period or whatever, you're on this sort of you know, emotional roller coaster your whole life. I think you go

Like it's very very individual.

And it's just so annoying that there's not a barometer to tell you when you're feeling those mood swings that it's related to your hormones. Like it would be more beneficial to say, you have a mood coming on for the next two to four days and you're going to be a bitch, Like I want to know that information, Like there should be some sort of smart app that can tell you, But.

Sure there is, actually there has to be.

Yeah, I'm sure it has to do with your temperature, Like you could put something, you could put a monitor on you that would be able to show your cycles, but nobody you know, because women's health is such a low priority in terms of what people are working on. It's probably just not out there, but I guarantee that that can be easily created.

And ablationions are recommended highly for people with endometriosis, right, yeah, because of the Yeah, so if you have endometriosis, you're definitely a candidate. Before we take callers, here's an upbeat question. Where do your favorite memories from childhood? Lie, Shauna, you go first?

I would have to say Martha's Vineyard for sure. It's, you know, still to this day, my favorite place in the world. And I just remember like there always being somebody around to play with, to hang out with, to do something with because we had six kids, and just like an endless summer, you know, that just was seemed like forever and it was like Cameloin just beautiful, just beautiful memories of the beach and the water and warm weather and good food and laughing and playing and ticks.

Yeah, what about you, Simone?

Actually this came up recently because I was talking to someone about mom and different memories that came up, and this really really strong memory came up of a trip I took with her when I was about ten years old. For some reason, she just I don't know, you were like an I think she chills. And I took a trip with her to California. So it was my first trip to Seattle and then LA and it was just the two of us, or mom and me, and we just did all of.

This cool stuff together.

And we rented a car together and I got a map and we like went all around LA and all around Seattle and it was just like this really really I have no idea again why nobody else came, but it was just such a really fond memory that I have my first plane ride and my first like big city, and I don't know, I just had have been thinking about that for a while because it was just one on one time.

I remember a time when I was eight or nine and Mom took you to look at colleges.

I think, Simone, now I.

Must have been seven, because you would have been seventeen, and she was taking you to look at colleges. And I remember being so fucking pissed at her for leaving me alone with Dad, and I was like unforgiving, like I wrote her the nastiest letter.

You wrote her a letter in response.

I was like I cannot believe that you would leave a seven year old daughter alone with your husband. Been like, this is ridiculous and you've deserted me and I Yeah, I was so pissed at her for taking that trip. So that was another trip you got to take with mom alone while I stayed at home with dad.

All about that, Seanna, where were you in that scenario? It seems like you would have been like helping out?

Now, Yeah, I mean, how old would I have been five?

Twelve? If I was seven?

You were twelve once Simone went for the second trip, is what I'm talking about. Oh, so you were twelve, so you were probably torturing me as usual.

Probably probably, or vice versa.

Okay, Well, my favorite memories are for Martha's Vineyard, for sure. I have only fond memories from Martha's Vineyard, even though that is where we found out our brother died and my brother's favorite place. I think of Martha's Vineyard as like the most idyllic childhood scenes. Everything was so nice, our bikes and riding into town and hitchhiking and walking around in bare Feet and Main Street and Egertown and going to South Beach and just the food and the

Yeah, I think it's part of it.

It's just the freedom we had up there, Like we were so lucky that I think that was the single best decision probably my father ever made, was to buy a house up there. As opposed to all the kids that we grew up with, they all went down to the Jersey Shore every summer, and I was like jealous of that until I realized that Snooky.

Then she met Snooky and was like, wait a second, and we were in the right place at the right.

Time, in the right place. We got to escape.

Like I literally had a completely different friend set, different personality, like a whole different life up there. It was like having literally having a double life. Like living up there in the summers was so awesome, and we had so much freedom because our parents were always out to lunch.

Yeah, not out to lunch. Not No, they wouldn't even go out to lunch. That would have been an improvement.

Okay, we're going to take a break and we're going to be right back to take some calls.

This week. We'd love for you to write in questions you have about your new relationship. If you're newly dating someone and you're not sure how to proceed with a certain element of your relationship. Right into Dear Chelsea podcast at gmail dot com.

And we're back.

We're back with Shashana and Simonehmmler.

These are my sisters and they are back by popular demand to give it.

We're giving family advice, right.

We're giving some sister advice. Yes, we've got some kids advice.

Well.

Our first question comes from Jeannette. She is in Illinois. She's in her sixties. I'm from a small town in northern Illinois, and my husband and I have been married for twenty seven years. Our two sons have graduated college and moved to Nashville. They love it. We travel to see them once a month. We love the city too, comedy clubs, live music, art. We'd like to buy a second home in Nashville, but wonder if we should wait until the market changes. There are so many opinions on

About what getting a second home real estate market? I can't get financial advice. I am not equipped for that really.

First of all, if they're buying a house in Nashville because that's where their sons are living and going to college, they may not be living there in three years or five years, like they might, you know, go somewhere else.

It might go to West.

Don't pick Nashville because your sons are there.

If you want a second home, picket wherever you want to live, but don't base.

It on the yes exactly, stay at the hotel that's better. You think, yeah, it's more sexy or it's fun. A house is a pantastic You don't buy a house because you don't follow your children to college so.

They're all graduated.

People do follow their kids to college. People do I know?

I know, I know.

I just met a coproge did it. I was like what, They're like, Oh, our kids are in London. I just was in it with a couple and they're like, our kids are in London, so we're going to London. I'm like to what follow them around and they're like, yeah, we just want to be close to them.

See, my mom said that she got advice recently that like people full her age and she's in her seventies. She was like, go move where your kids are. Don't expect them to move home, Like go be by them and you can like help out with childcare.

And well maybe when they have kids and they're older and they've starting their own families, you're gonna want to see your grandkids and you want to help with them. But when they're in college, you know, just go get out Airbnb or hotel and you know, hang out a few days or whatever. But I mean to buy a house, that's a pretty big commitment.

Shot out.

You're a recent empty nester. What do you have to say for yourself?

Listen, it's hard. It's hard. I only have one that left. I have one still in high school. My daughter just left for college this year, and it's been a major transition. You know, when you when they're little and you start a family, you never really think about that day that's going to come and they're going to go off to college somewhere far away, And it is really a slap in the face. To be honest, what is happening? Like how did I get here?

But I mean a.

Slap in the face. That's exactly what you want them to do.

Yeah, I mean I know, but you know it's really like I just was not ready emotionally like ouch, Like that sucked.

What was the tell us about it?

Because I'm sure a lot of women are listening that are experiencing at so talk about it.

I mean, there's lots of excitement, of course for your child to start this new adventure, and you want them to have a great experience and leading up to it, you know, you are trying to be positive and encouraging, you know, but in the back of your mind there's just this little bit of dread or sadness, like when that day actually happens, Like what am I going to do? Am I going to like completely break down in front of my child? Am I going to pull it together? Am I gonna what's going to happen?

And what did happen? Shauna?

So Mike and I my husband Mike, Charlie's dad, we took her to college. We spent a few days and got her all set, decorated a room, and her roommate went out to dinner and we did really well, and then it was time to go and we kept it together until we shut the door. When we said goodbye, literally in the hallway of her dorm, about ten feet from closing the door and saying final device, we both

It was it's not just bad, like that moment is really bittersweet, and you know, because you're like happy for them, but you're sad and all that stuff, but it's it's like the change in the dynamic of the family that changes.

So now Russell, like.

The two of you are focusing your attention on him because she's away and doing whatever she wants and studying, and he's kind of like the center of your activity now, and the whole dynamic changes. And I think that's what you can't predict how that changes.

Right right definitely after is you know, it's a whole different environment. My Charlie is much more outgoing and loud. My son Russell is more quiet, and he plays video games and keeps to himself, and now we do focus a lot more attention on him and you know, he guys didn't really like it, but so well, but we're or we're all just figuring it out and you know, it's fine. It's just different and it gets better as

But it's the worst one is the first one? Right?

No, I don't know. I think it depends how you know your dynamic.

Like for me, I think the first one was hard, but I still had two kids at home, so it was like I went home to a busy household. It wasn't like every day I was thinking about Jake being away and you know, how is he doing? And I think by the time Seneca was ready to go to college, I was like totally ready, like here go, you go do your thing. And so you know, while I still

Yeah.

I remember telling mom and Dad that I was going to California, that I was going to drive across country and move in with Gaby and Terry, our aunt and uncle. And they were like, please go, you know, like, don't wait another second. And Dad went and got me four new tires for the car that I was driving across country. He had never ever sprung for four new tires for any car I drove, and he'd got me four new tires.

Yeah, three thousand miles. It's the perfect amount of distance.

Absolutely, a drive across country will set anybody straight, that's true.

I do remember though, when Simone went to college.

That was a big gut punch for me because she was my ally in my house against my father. She would be our mediator and I did not get along with my father for those years. And she went to college to Emory, which I visited her frequently.

And Shauna, you did too right.

Only with the family, not by myself. Okay, I think went by yourself.

Yeah, yeah, you went rogue and came over when you were eleven years old. I think mom and dad like sent you on a plane to visit me. I don't really understand how this went down, but you were eleven, and so that means I was twenty one and I took you everywhere I went, and I took you, which she.

Took me to my first bar called Pj's in Atlanta, and I went in and she got carted and I did it.

So I was eleven, so that gives eleven.

They didn't really think you were there to drink, but well, sorry, I left you.

But I had to do it. You had to grow up somehow.

I know.

I know that was traumatizing, actually very traumatizing, being alone with my fucking parents.

Okay, anyway, I'm glad I got that off my chest.

Let's call the Amos almost so, Lene is our next caller.

Shauna, stopped moving your fucking camera around. You're making me nauseous.

It's saying that I have low bandwidth.

You do because you're going in and out. You're kind of crackling up.

All right, I'm moving relocated.

Awesome, We're gonna hurt you in the basement.

That was Shauna to a tea.

Every time she calls, it's like hello, Hello, all right, yeah I think so Shanna, Yeah.

Okay, all right.

Well our next color is Lane.

Lane Bryant.

Mm hmmm hm, Lane, says dear Chelsea. About two years ago, I got out of a ten year relationship. Then a month ago, I got out of a one year long distance friends with benefits scenario that started as something sexy and fun, but feelings were caught and it turned into an exclusive, confusing situationship with a bit of an emotional ending. So she originally had emailed to talk about how she can find a friends with benefit situation, but she updated with since I wrote in I've had a change of heart.

Hi lay these are my sisters, Shashana and Simoe.

Oh I want to fother me too.

Ah, So where do you want to begin? Where?

Okay, so you want to know how to stay present and focus or tips to stay present and focus. First of all, I want to say something about loneliness. I really don't. I think a lot of us are confused about what loneliness is because we're so scared of it.

Definitely, And I think, like that's something I'm just currently going through the process of learning and really embracing. I think I spent, you know, many years in a long term relationship, and you know, towards the end of that, things just weren't feeling right anymore. And then after I left it, I kind of fell into this old pattern of maybe that little feeling of loneliness creeps in and then you start reaching out to things that you don't

You should write down when you're feeling that way, like feeling really lonely, and write the situation around it, like what happened to your day, what happened during your day? Who did you talk to? Why are you feeling lonely? The more you examine things, the more they kind of go away. I feel like you kind of face it head on, where you're like, oh, this is interesting, I'm feeling this right now. Why am I feeling this? What happens today to make me feel this way? Is this

You're asking me about being present, trying to be more present.

Yeah, I think president just really intentional, Like I think I met this like new area in my life for a new chapter where I just have time to really get to know myself, and I just don't I think like sometimes it's like easy where especially kind of like I guess one of the things I talked about was like societal pressure. Your friends are like, oh, I could set you up with someone, or you have someone that asks you out, and you're like, oh, I couldn't be

And not get roped into a relationship right exactly.

Like I think it's so easy where like if you kind of like meet someone and then all of a sudden, like you kind of get that attachment to them and they kind of feeled, you know, that void of comfort or validation, and I just don't want to I don't want someone else to provide that for me. I want to be able to provide that for myself right now and really kind of lead into that.

It sounds like you know what you want.

Actually, you sound like you're being pretty intentional.

Yeah, Like I think what you're saying about.

You know, having you finally have some time alone, you want to get to know yourself better, Like act on that, like write down the things that you want to do for yourself.

I mean, you're going to meet people along the way.

There will always be people trying to set you up or whatever, but you don't have to jump into that. You can just be very intentional about saying that's nice, but that's not where I am right now. You know, you can still be social, you can still go out, but focus on the things that bring you joy or things that you've wanted to try that you've never tried.

I mean, this is a like.

There's a lot of freedom that comes with being alone too, Like there's a lot of obligations when you're committed to someone, not necessarily in a bad way. But now that you have this time in this space, Like why don't you explore that a little bit, Like go a little bit deeper and try to spend some time on what you really want to do and that those things that you like they shouldn't go away if you start a relationship either.

That's something to keep in mind. Like I think a lot of people like do.

Things when they're alone, and then there are things when they have their partner, and those things don't always overlap, which I think can be really problematic.

Definitely, And I think kind of along with what you're saying is within the last couple of months, I've just found this new ground energy, a way to show up for friends and family in a way that I maybe wasn't fully able to when you are in relationship.

Totally totally, but I do.

Find too, like, especially when you're like friends or family members that are like, are you happy you're alone? And I just want to be like, well, I just don't feel like alone is a bad word, and how do I? Yeah, But every now and then, you know, you have that like kind of dark, lonely voice that does come in, and I just want to remind myself of the times like right now where I'm feeling very much more like strong about it and happier in content with it.

And you should write that down too, Like when you're feeling great and positive, you should write down that and the events around it that led you there, you know, the kind of day you're having. Because I do think you're on the right track. Everything you're saying, it sounds very intentional those.

Comments from other people. Again, they're coming from all different places, from society, from norms whatever, Like you have to kind of you know, you don't have to be rude about it, but like that's just their stuff. Like you don't have to put that on you. If you're enjoying this time and you're exploring and you're writing these things down where you're enjoying your time alone, like not of that matters. That's just preconceived notions that they have that they're trying to put on you.

They're not about you, or they just have nothing to say, so they say that because that's what people say. I've said it to people before, Like it's just a pointless comment. It's not helpful anyway. And also I always play this game with myself when I am dating someone casually, like to keep it casual. I always say to myself, like, okay, say we have plans on a Friday night. I'm like, okay, we have plans. I have plants with this fun guy

To have, but this is not the source of my happiness.

It's good to remind yourself that you are going to have a good time, and whether you're with someone or whether you're without them, it's just going to be a different time if you're with them. But to remind yourself of your own source. You're the one who's bringing the vibes to your life, not necessarily someone else. They can always help, but no one is the source of another person's happiness.

And what were you doing for yourself right now is going to actually read benefits if you the next time you are in a relationship, you know, getting to know yourself, spending time with yourself so that you know sort of what you want out of life and out of a relationship in the future. So teriship because you don't know how long it's going to last, and you know it's going to benefit you in the long run too.

And someone I know you mentioned like of course Leane's going to like go through her life and be meeting people. Is there a way do you threethink to differentiate between like, oh I met someone and I actually am really into them versus like they just happen to be there, and so I'm falling into this.

Sometimes when you're in a new relationship, you lose yourself. You kind of want to be what you think they need or what they want. I've done that in the past, and it's like you kind of just forget who you are a little bit, and then you kind of get off course. And you know, it's great just to stay grounded, remember who you are and take it slow and don't lose yourself. Remember what you like, what you want, what

Yeah, and you sound like you are secure and who you are and you're only getting to know yourself better, which is just going to be like you're putting money in the bank of your happiness, so I don't think

Once you hit your.

Forties, you're like, oh no, no, no, Like that's a temporary gig.

You're not a person in my life.

Like you know, you just grow into it and you understand that certain people are just visitors and then other people are going to stay.

And I would just add one little point as just setting being be really clear. You know, if you are dating someone, like, be really clear about your intention. Okay, I am not looking for something. If they're looking for long term relationship and you're not, then that's probably not a place to start dating.

You have to be really clear about like this is where I am in my life.

I have no interest in that, and just be clear about communicating that to them so that you're not you don't end up with the wrong person.

And I guess along that way.

Length is like, what is it good approach for when you're kind of entering into the dating world again, Like, how do you communicate that to someone Like I'm just like not looking for anything super serious at this point in time. When's a good tak to say that?

Really early on? I think, I mean anything to jump in here, but I think really early.

On, I don't know. That's kind of like a smoan. Think about it.

When you're on your dating sites. Do you like hearing that right out of the gate? I mean, I guess maybe it would be helpful.

Well, I mean all those those apps actually are set up that way, so they say like I want a short I want short term fun, I just want a one night stand, I want a long term relationship, I'm looking to get married. All those options are on there.

Yes to all of that, But I also don't think that you need to say that right off the bat, because what if you end up dating a guy that you're like, well, wow, this is actually a really good match.

This is a healthy relationship.

We have like it's a great give and take, we compliment each other, and then you're like, oh, okay, maybe I can have a relationship. I don't think you have to be like black and white about things at the outset as you're dating them. And if you're like, oh, this guy needs to know like he's falling in love with me, he needs to know this is casual. Then yes, don't string somebody along that you're not interested in. Right, But I don't know that it has to be like the first thing you say, yea.

And listen, you're smart, Lane, you don't even fucking need us.

Okay, you're fine, you're beautiful, you're smart, you're intelligent. You're taking time to be alone. Every woman should be doing this. And good luck with everything because I know you're going to have a good life.

Thank you, Okay, wonderful to me too. All have a great day.

Okay you too?

Yeah, take care bye.

Shshana.

You are making me nauseous. Are you in a place where you're getting a signal? You have been walking around this entire episode.

Everywhere I go it says low bandwidth?

But how can you have low bandwidth in your house? How?

How?

I guess it's time to call Verizon?

Okay, anyway, okay, we have one last caller, guys, so just fucking focus.

So I've got Hannah on the line here Hannah is having some baby daddy issues. She says, I'm a single parent living in a beach town in the South with my five year old daughter. I have a wonderful new partner coming up on a year and we are so happy. He's also a single dad. Baby daddy had a lot of issues, alcohol, drugs, pathological liar, the list goes on, and he split when my little one was two. He lives in New York now supposedly never paid a cent

Hannah, Hi, Hannah, Hi, Hannah, Hi Hannah, Hi, Hi.

These are my sisters.

Hi. You said you signed some papers. What were the specifics on that? Because I didn't. It wasn't clear like what he signed.

Away or so I would prefer of something was signed away. But the final point, like case clothes, that we got to was soul cost city parent. It was just like when we first started, so so long ago. I was like, let's go parent, let's try this. Like I'm a very positive, open minded person. I was like, yeah, let's do it. So the original agreement was shared custody, and I just finally got soul custody because I'm the only parent here.

So he's on the other coast, he's far.

Away, he's allegedly in New York.

When he says he wants to be part of her life, what does he mean by that if he doesn't live anywhere nearby.

I'm not sure, Like it's very unclear. So those messages, those begging kind of I've changed, I've changed, I've changed. How can you keep her from me? I want to be in her life? They come every like four to

I'm here, I'm here, I'm here, I'm ready, let's have a FaceTime.

Let's have a phone call.

I don't know who you are anymore, but I'm gonna try and then gone.

When when was the last time that they saw each other?

Like about two years ago?

So does she have any memory of him at this point?

Not really.

I'm currently have a new partner and that's been a really positive influence and we're moving in together soon. And I've even gotten a lot of great feedback from her teacher saying how she draws pictures and talks about him and is very excited, you know, like he's like included in the narrative now and she's like reflected on that that has been a positive thing, whereas in the past, like she's like even mentioned her friends, like yeah, I

I feel like he is showing you who he is by only reaching out every six weeks. It sounds like either guilt or family members of his that are like saying, hey, what about your daughter and you should really push that or whatever wherever it's coming from. You have to, like, he has to show up in a much better way for you to even consider him having a part in her life like he has. I think you have to tell him, look, I can't deal with this on again

You have to do all these things that like demonstrate that he really means it.

Otherwise you shouldn't have to deal with him at all because it's very unhealthy for her, and that's the most important thing.

Thanks.

And I also think it's about your health mental health too, like he's gonna put such a strain, he's already putting a strain on your mental health and he's not even around, and he hasn't been around, and you have a positive influence for her now, It's like, yeah, if he wants to show up and come and visit, that's one thing, But talking about it doesn't really get you anywhere.

Yes, he has to put his money with his mouth.

Is he talking about coming to live there?

So that's another interesting aspect. The state where I live, he has like a I think it's called a bench of arrest warrant because if you don't pay child support, that's illegal, right, And so he after a certain amount of time, it gets written into the courts like he's paid zero dollars, So then there's like a warrant out for his arrest in this state if he comes back, because you can't leave the state and not pay Apparently you can't leave the state and not pay child support

Right.

I would just love to have the rules about what would happen if a fucking woman did that and then came back.

Yeah. I mean it's just we would be arrested if we tried to fucking pullshit like that.

So like part of me feels like I could go down the petty road and the mean road and put all my energy into being negative and getting him in trouble and getting back.

At him and did it.

No, no, no, no, that's no good.

I want to like be free of it.

You know.

I don't think you have an obligation to even accept calls and texts from him. I think it's time to block. If he has a meaningful change of heart or change of like being and can pay his child support, come back into the state actually, like send you paperwork. I want to see my child again. Then that's a different issue. But I don't think you need to be subject to getting these texts in your inbox.

I wouldn't say block him because that is her daughter's father, Like, what if something happens and they need to know, and you can handle that situation, but getting a text every four to six weeks, you don't have to respond to that. You could just let it go because I have. Clearly he's not that determined, otherwise he would be texting you more frequently. But I think you've got the right idea. Just I think just try not to like limit your engagement with him. You don't have to respond to him.

He's not paying support. There's no reason for you to have them interact in any way. I mean, he's not even like doing the minimum of what is expected of him, so he has to show you that he's going to totally turn things around. I mean, he's not paying support, he's no right to see his daughter.

That's true.

Yeah, So maybe it's as simple as that, like, sure, once you can pay child support, you can be in her life. And if that winds up happening, then that's a different conversation.

Yeah.

I would. I would say, like, Okay, you need to do a B and C, make it very clear for six months, and then after six months we can talk about blah blah blah.

But we'll see, right, Yeah, focus on your good life that you've got going with your new man.

Yeah, and your kid.

I don't think you owe him anything.

Yeah, I don't think so either. Yeah.

Okay, that was the truth that I wanted.

Perfect.

Thanks Hannah, Bye, Hannah, thank you.

All Right, Well we'll take a little quick break and we'll be right back with Madison and we'll wrap up.

And we're back.

Well, Madison writes in and she says, Dear Chelsea, my sister is three year years older than me, and we're super close. She's the person that knows me better than I know myself and that I'm most connected to in this world. However, I would label her as a quote highly sensitive person. Ever since we were little, she's always

Madison, Hi, Madison, I'm Madison.

Guys.

Hi, these are my sisters. There are special guests today.

Oh what perfect guess for.

I Ah, perfect guess for your situation? Well, I would say, Simon, do you want to start? I mean I would be the most irritable. I'm not the most sensitive, but I'm the most irritated.

And I mean it is a tough situation because this is your sister. You said you're close, right.

Yeah, And I can relate to that.

I'm a little overly sensitive too, so to criticism, but I don't like spiral out of control.

Usually you're not sensitive to criticism about your children. You're not sensitive to criticism about yourself. I mean, who's criticizing you for what? When do you get criticism?

It's happened once or twice.

Anyway, it's a sensitive area because I think you know you care about her, right. I mean, you're very close, you care about her, but I think at some point you kind of have to. It sounds like she needs to talk to someone else, like she needs some assistance in accessing her own emotions and understanding why she's so sensitive and why she spirals out of control like this, like this, this is.

Bigger than you.

I think she really actually would benefit from seeing a therapist. And I'm raising that is probably sensitive too, But if you're really thinking about her well being, I think you know you can broach it in more gentle ways and saying like, oh, you know, I don't know, something comes up and you Sometimes it's by analogy, Oh my friend is seeing a therapist and this is how it's working,

It might be fun to go together to therapy a few times, like with her and join her and you can bring up things and with that third party sometimes you know, that makes it easier because they can kind of navigate what you both are trying to say, and you know, help break it up where it's just not the two of you alone, but somebody to kind of help you navigate through what the other person is seeing and saying.

Is that something that you could do? Do you think there's a possibility to go to therapy? Would you be open to that like together?

I don't know if she'd be open to it together.

I did try that once with her and my mom actually, because they have a kind of contentious relationship and I am like the peacemaker.

I'm the middle man that can like interpret for both of.

Them, and so I kind of was like, I'm over your guys as shit, and I'm not going to be around you unless we like go to therapy together because I can't do this. But that only went for one session, and my sister got really defensive, kind of like the therapist just talking to her about maybe some possible depression and that can explain some of the irritability and the sensitivity, and she just felt like the dynamic was getting pinned

Yeah, that's good, that's good.

And then I think then what you have to do is have a sit down and like a face to face, hard to heart with her and just be like, listen, I feel like I'm walking on eggshells a lot because I'm worried about how you're going to receive information. And I don't think you want me to feel that way, and I don't want to feel that way about you, Like you're the person I love the most. Like everything

Yeah?

Yeah, And then like Chelsea has an always on her podcast, you know you have to come from a place of love and tell her this is because you care about her, this is because you love her, this is because she's a big part of your life, and that you want to see her happy and you want to see her evolve over time.

And what you're.

Seeing, she doesn't appear to be happy and content and be able to deal with some of these issues.

And so if you're coming from that place, that's really valuable.

Yeah, and she's in a highly irritable state that's not pleasant for her, so she really has to take a look at that.

I've been there.

I understand that you're not a happy person. When you're that highly irritated and everyone annoys you so much, there's something going on with you. It's a deeper issue and it doesn't have to be that Like people who are depressed or upset, they don't realize there's another way to live, Like you can actually choose to do the work and get to the other side and be a happier, more positive,

How do you guys think you would phrase? Because I feel like I'm good at the taking care of her feelings part, but like so my boyfriend would be like, oh my gosh, like this is so crazy. You're like getting into her dynamic. You need to have like a life intervention with her and just tell her like no, like you need to go somewhere and get help, and like this is not sustainable. But I don't know how to like word the direct part to be like you

I think you would say, listen, I love you more than anything, and I really feel like you could benefit from talking to someone as your sister. I know you better than anyone, and I know that you're not as happy as you can be, Like it's possible to be happier and through the like counseling. I can listen to you all you want, but I'm not like a professional, Like you need someone who can help you deal with all of these feelings.

That you have.

And then you can use some examples of like what you've seen about her that it isn't happy, that it is irritability, that it isn't you know that she is in a constant kind of state of agitation.

Yeah, And I think it's important to say that you're always there for her. You're listening for her, but your skills only go so far. Like you can't solve her problems. You can be there for support and love and all that, but like it's not what she needs. She needs much more than that. She needs someone independent to to really

Yeah, and the defensiveness is just the example of why she needs to go to therapy. When you are that defensive about anything, Like when you can I can't hear any critique about yourself and think, oh, maybe that's something I could improve on, that's the definition of needing to go to therapy.

Yeah.

Yeah, in addition to all of this putting the onus like not you need to go to therapy because you're a bitch, but it is like the onus can be slightly outside of her, like it'll help you reduce this tension so that you can be happy. It'll help reduce your stress so you're not flying off the handle all the time. So you can kind of put the onus next door, and so it's not like you're just terrible

So, yeah, that is a really good way to look at it, because, yeah, her life would only grow because the connection other people, Like I'm so used to her attitude and like what she's sensitive about so I can kind of not step on those landlines, or I can like very intuitively kind of feel her energy and know like how much is too much?

You want to back off?

But I think it does really get in the way of her and also being a bigger part of my life because other people in my life.

Are having such a hard time with it.

Yeah, oh, really impacting your friendships and.

Like it doesn't impact their relationship with me, but like my partner, for example, he has a really hard time being in the.

Same space as both of us because he's like.

You don't want to like say anything, but he wants to like call her out every single time there's like something set under her.

Breath or like an eye roller.

Definitely, don't bring him into the conversation. Yeah, don't mention him, don't say anything about that, because that will only create more tension between the two of them.

I agree, Yeah, but framing it is something yeah a little next year.

So yeah, her circumstance is everything she's dealing with. It's like, it's not your fault. This is a lot to deal with whatever on her plate. We can help you with this, and I think you do need help with this. Kind of just like spoon feeding that idea to her a

Yeah, I think that is the hard thing to trust. Yeah, if you're avoidant conflicts like it just stresses me out.

But you're right, there is.

Not a world in which we're going to be separated for a long period of time, so really leaning into that feels.

Right, and being avoidant doesn't solve anyone's problems. Ever, no one has ever solved a problem by avoiding it, so it's not a good strategy.

Right. Well, thank you guys so much.

You're welcome. You're welcome, cutie. Good luck with everything. I'm sure everything will work out fine. It might be a little bumpy, but it will work out.

Thank you guys. Have a good one.

Bye bye.

You have to look at that as a long term plan, right, not a short term solution.

She's got to be able to be around her sister's partner in that.

It's so tension.

But it's so it's so unfair when you're with someone and then they don't get along with your sister, Like, that's so unfair for everyone.

Yeah.

I mean, she's a good sister.

She's being loyal and she's doing the right thing. But you can't let people go on like that in life because it's just you're not doing them any favors.

Everybody's walking on eggshells. That's awful.

Okay, bitches, Well, thanks for all of your advice today. Our episode has wrapped up.

Shoshana. I am physically nauseous from all the movement.

From watching me out walk through your house fifteen times with a computer in the head.

I am on the move to try to stay connected. I apologize.

Okay, Well, we might want to get you a booster for your house, so we'll.

Get on that right away. Love you girls, miss you, see.

You, love you.

Bye bye, peace out, bye bye. Okay.

So upcoming shows that I have you guys, I'm coming to Niagara Falls on July twenty seventh. I'm coming to Hollywood, Florida for my only show in Florida on July twenty eighth. I'll be in Auburn, Washington, on August first, and then Santa Rosa, California for my second show August second. August seventeenth is the Santa Barbara Bull. You do not want to miss that. And then I will be all over Maine, Charlotte, North Carolina, Charleston, South Carolina.

I'm coming to Texas. I'm coming to Saint Louis in Kansas.

City, and then I will be in Las Vegas performing at the Chelsea Theater inside the Cosmopolitan Hotel. My first three dates in Vegas are September first, Labor Day weekend, and then November two and November thirtieth. I'm coming to Brooklyn, New York, at the King's Theater on November eighth, and I have tickets on sale throughout the end of the year in December, so if you're in a city like Philadelphia or Bethlehem or San Diego or New Orleans or Omaha, check Chelsea handler dot com for tickets.

Okay, if you'd like advice from Chelsea, shoot us an email at Dear Chelsea podcast at gmail dot com and be sure to include your phone number. Dear Chelsea is edited and engineered by Brad Dickert Executive producer Catherine Law, and be sure to check out our merch at Chelseahandler dot com