Hi Catherine, Hi Chelsea.
I have a question for you. When did you have time to film another special?
I filmed the stand up special. It's out.
It's streaming, you guys. It came out Tuesday. Today is Thursday. It's called The Feeling. It's on Netflix, and it's my favorite stand up special ever, amazing. My book came out February twenty fifth. I'll have what she's having. My book came out March twenty fifth, So can you wait? Shit shit book specials?
And guess what's coming out April twenty fifth.
What's out?
Something else? Anyway, please watch my special on Netflix.
It means a lot to me for people to watch it, and it means a lot to me to have all these people buying my books and sending me all these dms which I'm reading. I'm reading all of them, and I'm calling in to some book clubs. By the way, if you are doing a book club with my book and you have owls brew, I am calling. I'm going to zoom in if you dm me. I have three book clubs set up already. April second is the day that I'm going to be doing it. So if you
hear this and you want in on that action. Make it happen, and DM me and I will try to schedule you into my April second night.
Awesome.
So DM on Instagram right, DM me directly on Instagram. Okay, awesome and what else? Oh, Vegas, Vegas. I just had another Vegas weekend which was epics. I did not win money this weekend. I have to be honest. I broke even.
That's not bad.
No, I broke even, and that's a wind to be because you're renting a good time. But I had.
My Vegas weekends have been so much fun because so many random friends of mine show up.
Ye friends from Texas shown up.
I had three friends from La show up, My sister came, my friends from Tahoe came.
It was a blast.
And so April eighteenth is my next Vegas date, and then after that it's July fifth. So April eighteenth and July fifth and then August thirtieth, So come and have a fun party with me at the Cosmo. It has been a real blast, a surprising blast. And I'm also doing a bunch of European dates. If you go to Chelsea Handler dot com. I'm coming to Europe and starting in Rekuvic all the way through Lisbon at.
The beginning of May, May and June. Great. Okay, our guest today is a friend of mine. She is very fun.
She stars on the current season of White Lotus and she just wrapped filming Palm Royal season two.
Please welcome Leslie Bib.
Hi.
How are you h Hello?
Hello, Lesly Bib? Is this Leslie Bib? Is this really you?
Hi?
So it's like you're looking like this at me. Hi?
I know, I know.
Sorry, we're in a fake podcast. Well, not a fake podcast studio.
We're not. We are in a fake podcast studio.
I know.
The cameras are set in weird directions. So pretend I'm looking at you. Okay, my god, this is.
So oh there we go.
That's a much better.
Thank Can I have this? That's so much better because I feel like we're talking to each other now, we're looking at each other.
Yeah, but you've seen me look at your face before. Just go back to that time and pretend that's what's happening.
Do that. I'm not that good of an actor. Hold on, I have to throw something away.
Hi, chelfs Hi, honey, we just did a podcast with your buddy Michelle Monahan.
Hi, isn't she lovely?
Yeah?
The loveliest I love. I'm jealous that I wasn't on set with both of you. I told her that, well, the three of us are going to all do something. We're going to do dinner. Yeah, Leslie Bib.
Where are you? Are you in fucking Canada?
Oh?
My god?
Would you let me ask you a fucking question? I mean, who cares where I am?
It's important to me. I love you.
I'm in Beverly Hills at some podcast studio because my house is not done and I have another four months of construction, so I had to move back out of my house and now I'm staying at a friend's house.
I find it interesting that you are, to me, one of the most powerful women I've ever met. Like, there's just like you have like a woo about you, and the fact that this has run new wagon.
I don't even talk about it anymore. It's too stupid. I refuse to even give it my time of day. I just I said to someone, I'm like, what kind of karma? They're like, this is not your karma. I go, it really feels like my karma. But anyway, I have too many good things in my life to worry about this fucking house.
I can't wait to get rid of it. If anyone wants to buy my house, let me know it'll be in perfect shape by the time you fucking get your hands on it.
Oat.
Listen, by the time this comes out, more episodes of White Lotus will have come out. So but we're gonna focus on the one that we all saw last night or two nights ago now, episode number five, right, Yes, it.
Was episode five. Are there eight episodes?
There are eight episodes. There are eight of Okay, I can answer that.
First of all, it was the episode with your lover.
Sam Rockwell was in it with an incredible monologue.
Incredible monologue that starts. I mean, it was just it was.
I mean, there was a Time magazine article about it about that monologue.
Yes that you sent me.
That was awesome and actually really I felt the same when I watched that monologue.
I'm like, this is what Mike White thinks, Like.
This is either how Mike White feels and things. Because that monologue, no one could write something like that except I thought maybe Sam Rockwell could. I'm like, you know what, Sam might have come in with this monologue and said, listen, I have a piece that I want to put in the show.
I don't think. I don't know if anybody who writes quite like Mike Mike White does like stuff like that, confrontational, that confronting, that subversive, that sort of not nothing he does is like dinner table conversation, you know, and the way he I haven't seen the episode, but the fact that Sam just does it like he's saying past the assault, and there's something about that because it's his truth. And I feel like if Kate and Laurie and Jacqueline, the
three women like, are are the ladies? If the ladies had come in and just been like, my life is a disaster, my marriage is this, or I lost my job, I think I'm drinking too much or whatever their shit was, and it just talked about it and been vulnerable and sort of unapologetic about what's going on in their life, it would have been a very different vacation for them.
But instead they couldn't do that. And so when I read all eight episodes and I got to that monologue for Frank, I remember feeling like, oh, this is Mike's this is like the essence of the show. This is what he's saying, like what we should try to aspire to And as it goes on, you'll see that, you know, things can be very hard to hold on to. And I don't know, I don't know if Frank does such a good job with his sobriety or any of it.
Right, so, right, right, right right?
So how well, by the way, how did Sam So? How was it because of you that Sam also got in the show? Or was it completely separate.
Completely separate? The person that they had first gone to couldn't do it anymore because we had pushed and pushed, and we'd just gone over and weather and whatever. We had gone long and Sam was doing a movie in South Africa and it was never going to time out. Like they had said something to me early on, like what if this were to happen, and I was like, I don't think it's going to happen because he's shooting this big movie and he looks like an unhoused person
in this movie. You'll never be able to like, he can't do both. And also Sam is not that actor. He won't sort of double team like that. He'll be like he needs prep time. And then we pushed so much that he was ending his movie and he had like a week and a half between, so technically he could do it, but it was he really fretted with the idea of doing it. I think he knew that
that monologue was a beast. It's not something you just go, okay, I'm going to do it, you know, you just, on top of just being prepared with just being off book and ready, you have to do the deep emotional prep of what that means. And Sam's got a very specific process. And so when they said they were going to offer it to him, I remember Dave Bernad was walking through one of the hotels we were shooting in and I was on the treadmill and I waved at him and
I said come here, and he came in. He goes, did you hear? And I said yeah, I said listen, if he doesn't do it, you and Mike can't get mad at me like that jet plan's going to fly. I can't ground it like that that's going one way and I'm not. So he was like, no, no, we won't get mad at you, and then he hemmed in had But then he eventually did it, And so.
I can't imagine anyone else doing that, but Sam Rockwell's I agree with you as soon as.
I saw him in it, which I don't. I don't. Yeah, I didn't know he was going to be in that.
I kept it a secret. Can you believe it?
I know, I know you guys are good at keeping secrets. You guys are good. I mean, I think you're under contract to keep that secret.
But still, like, I mean we told somebody. I'm like, you know, people were like, wait, you were there, what was going on? And then you know, Sam, of course like talk to people about whether or not I should do it, But like, I think we did pretty good. Like you were like to tam Com visit you and I was like, yeah he did. I start looking down and looking away and trying not to make like eye contactuse I hate lying to people.
Okay, Well, the other highlight of last night's episode. First of all, your fucking facial expressions killed me. Whenever I'm friends with anybody who's an actor and I watched them in movies, it's very hard for me to take them seriously. Once I've made a friendship with someone, I just cannot wait. All I do is send my friend Connie pictures of her acting, and she I'm like, this is ridiculous. She's like, don't watch it. I don't want to hear any fucking feedback.
But Leslie's faces in White Lotus. First of all, I also want to just talk about this show and that what a cultural zeitgeist this show is every I was at my sister's sixtieth birthday weekend and there were fifteen people there, like four generations of people, and we all sat down on Sunday night to watch this in a weekend where we were not watching TV. This was the only TV show we watched because everyone was into it. Everyone's like, oh my god, New White Lettos, New White Lotus.
So I could only imagine what you've been experiencing being a part of this cast, because it is they show that everyone watches. Like Severance is a very popular show. Not everyone watches it, but it's hugely popular. There isn't
a person I know that doesn't watch White Lotus. So that in and of itself is such a testament to Mike White and all of these casts that he puts together, because the casting is the most integral part to all of these and it helps that everybody is an actor, not a movie star, you know, what I mean, it helps that it helps move the story along, that there are so many actors and there's so many stories going on, because it's so fun to follow that.
Yeah, Hi, it's Catherine from the Future. If you don't want any spoilers for episode five of White Lotus that came out on March sixteenth, then please skip forward exactly two minutes.
But there was a scene in this pool with Carrie Kuhon and with the ladies, the three girls, Michelle Bonahan and Leslie and Kerry Kuhon, and as we've come to know, Leslie's characters, a Trump supporter, which was.
A fucking I'm an independent, independent Trump supporter.
For my husband's Republican but I'm an independent.
And there's a scene and when they're in with these three Russian guys, they've been partying all day and she takes her carry Kuhon takes her top off. She's like trying to hook up with Vladimir, right or Voldemort Vladimir I think it's I want to say Vair, it's Valentine. Valentine she's hooking up with She's wanting to anyway. And when her top comes off, the face that you have the smile. First of all, the show is filled with facial expressions from you that are fucking to die for.
They are so funny.
What do I do? What do I do?
That you go? It's patronized seeing kind of.
Like yeah, even when you're about to talk shit with your girlfriends, whether it's with Carrie or Michelle, I'm using their real names because I get confused by all the character But when one of them leaves and she's like, oh god, she seems like she's drinking a lot, She's like.
Oh she does.
Everything is so smart.
It's just coming down like a butterscotch candy and it's so funny. And then when she Carrie Kon's top comes off, Leslie Bib's already like, I don't know about these men at our villa.
What's going on?
This is a little too much for me as an independent Trump supporter.
This is a little bit too much for me.
And then the face that you make when her top comes off, like ha, like just a deflation of like oh no, we're all gonna get gang banged or something bad is gonna happen, Like that is where which is where I thought that scene was going. I'm like, uh, oh, they are going to turn on her and somebody's getting fucked. That's somebody that doesn't want to it's going to But yeah, you're acting in this is just like I don't.
Their character is so so perfectly you Thank you.
Thanks. That means a lot, Like it really means a lot coming from you. I've never experienced anything like this show before. It's crazy. Everybody's watching it and they also there there's an obsession with it and people really watch it for which is I think Mike probably loves very much.
Is they get all of the metaphors and the themes and and and I don't know if it's because it only comes out once a week and it makes you have an appetite for it and that you have to sit there and then you can rewatch it and look at stuff and go, oh wait, did you see why were there three monkeys in that corner? And why were that? Like people are picking up on things that Like I
was like, are they going to get that? And the obsession with understanding it thematically I think is really cool because I do think Mike is working in big themes. I think you know he's working He's talking about spirituality and death. But then he's also working with doppelgangers and
mirrors and reflections, like with the Three Ladies. You know we were said like, oh, nobody could tell us apart when we were kids, And even while we were filming, if I had my head turned, somebody would be like my haircut was enough, like carries and like it felt like art in life started to you're there long enough and you start to feel like a guest at the White Lotus because you're filming at a hotel wherever you where you go, it says the White Lotus, I don't know.
It is like a weird mind trip. So I so appreciate you saying that the work is good, but I think part of it is just being surrounded by it all the time that you I don't know. I mean, I think it helps the work, Like when we were getting cabin fever from being there for six months and feeling like this sometimes because you're away from home and
away from anything that feels like you're normal. I think it actually helped the work, And I think for the people who love it, I think the fact that he makes you wait every week also helps to aid the fever pitch of like I want more and the episodes were much bigger. They were I don't know, like hour and a half long, and then HBO would make Mike, you know, cut them down to fifty two minutes. So sometimes I want to see what those hour and a half long?
Yeah, I mean, so does everybody else.
I know, Like I had this insane dream sequence that we shot that I was so like, oh, it was like a sucker punch when I found out it got cut and I was.
Like, oh, poor Kate.
But there's so many stories he's telling and interweaving. It's fascinating to me, how you you know, And it's interesting your take that, like if you had a big movie star in there, would you be able to with such abandon go down the you know, all of these roads with these people, or would you be like, oh, there's Tom Cruise or there's you know what I mean? Would you do you think?
I don't know, it's tough to think about.
I mean I think that kind of it's yeah, maybe maybe.
You know, I would think so.
I mean, you know, depending on their acting ability, like to really immerse themselves. I mean maybe it could just be say Tom Cruise was a character in that show that would be really interesting it would be interesting to watch him mixing with everybody and not being the main attraction, being one of the storylines, which I really appreciate.
As a viewer.
Yeah, jumping off of Bill.
Yeah, jumping off a bill, of course, or into Paris or wherever he needs to go for the Olympics next. But what do you learn about the show when you're doing it? Like what does Mike tell you about it? Like what are you what are you not allowed to talk to people about?
You're not only about anything, not really allowed to talk about anythinking. I mean, the fact that they kept Sam secret is kind of incredible to me. I don't know how they did that, because I mean, in this age where everything gets leaked, I don't know. I kept saying to him, I think it's bonkers that nobody knows you're
in it, or it hasn't somehow gone out. But when you're doing it, you read the script, but like there's something with the way he directs and the way he's you know, and you sort of get all eight and then I only have my Then I have to give back everything because those scripts are so guarded. So I
have just my section of the script. So I feel very disconnected to anybody else's storyline, so you're kind of there on your own journey and so you don't know how it's all going to be interconnected or any of that. So that's really like Mike the editing, how he sees it, how it changed. I mean, that's I mean, it's really all a testament to him and his vision for this. And I think he's got remarkable editors and his production
designer is incredible. Nothing Mike does is like, oh, look at that happen accident, you know, but when you're there, he feels you don't feel like that's happening. But he's like he's a he's just a mastermind. He's really and I feel like in this third season you're really seeing Mike I felt like, as a director really step into his own in a big way, you know, because he's a writer and an actor and those hats I think
he wears effortlessly. But something about this season felt like there was he really something felt I don't know.
Different, is there any improvisation.
He's like, I have this thing about beans. We're on the beach, I say all these innocuous things. I just have like, I mean, my last name is boor k Poor, So I don't really say anything interesting, like it's all in the name bohr k Poor. And I have this like thing about beans, how I tricked my mind into liking beans, and and he must have liked it because then he came over and he said, Carrie, maybe you would say this, and then Leslie, you go, no, no, no,
I don't like big beans. I like small beans. And then we went into a whole thing where we were just riffing on beans and he was like like chigante and then we're doing this now. But he usually comes up with he's so rhythmic with when he's hearing his writing and that he comes over and changes it. But that's it. I mean, it's nothing like it's all Mike.
It's kind of refreshing because then you don't feel like you have to do anything and it's all on the page right, so you're like, you're not trying to make chicken salad out of chicken shit. It's like already a fucking amazing sandwich, you know, and it's got like French fries and a great drink and like it's everything. You don't have to make something out of nothing, Okay, on.
That note, we're going to take a break and we're going to come right back with Leslie Bib. And we're back with Leslie.
Bib from The White Lotus, most recently from The White Lotus. She's been in a bevy of things and everyone knows who you are, and then and then this show, now, as we've discussed, is like being catapulted front and center with like it's like being I mean, I know that you guys have been on this crazy press tour, and I know you personally have been bouncing around crazily and you're like, oh my god, this is so crazy, you know.
It's She's like, I've never been part of something like this where everybody is invested at like the whole world is watching and it must just be such a crazy ride, Chelsea.
It's fucking amazing. It's so cool. It's like somebody was like, why aren't you watching, and I said, well, it's like, you know, I'm critical of myself and it just feels tricky, like people have been saying the work is good, so I worry that if I watch it, I'm going to try to recreate something or I don't know, Like it was just very like in the moment happening, so like, I don't when you talk about my faces, like I don't. I don't know what those work. You know, I did
a lot of work and a lot of stuff. But then people saying the work is good, that's so meaningful and it's not like I've never had it to this magnetude that the people are saying the work is good like this, and so it's really nice. But also it feels like it feels like a dream and it feels like if I watch it, I'll be waking up from the dream and it's like I just want to sleep five more minutes. Like I just want to say, it's like the best dream I've ever had, and I just
want to stay. So I'm just trying to just enjoy it all and go with it and try to be present. And it's awesome because then it'll be over and it doesn't always happen. And I feel so lucky that it happened to me. And it feels so lucky that like usually in a show, they would never cast me Carrie and Michelle, it would be one of us. I've never got gotten to work with those other two because there's only one of us who would get the job. They would never you know what I mean, it just doesn't happen.
And then you get to do the job in all three of you are there and it's not like one person has the better part. Do you know which would be the other thing? Like you would just be like, oh, well, that's the lead and we're like the two best friends that maybe have one scene or something that might be cut to shreds to do something because you're just aiding the lead actor's story. And it's like somehow we all
get our slice of the pie and it's amazing. It sometimes makes me want to cry, like it just feels as corny as that sounds, but it just it does not fall short on me that this is happening to me now in my life.
No, actually, can I tell Can I tell them? Can I talk about We went to the Vanity Fair party and I for the Oscars this year and Leslie's like, oh, I was like, do you want some LSD? I had my microdose of course, and she's like ellisd oh my god no, and then she goes actually, she's like I'm just not going to drink for this period of time. And I was like, oh why, and she said because I really want to be present for this experience that I'm having with white lotus in it coming out and
I just want to experience this all. And I was like, wow, that is powerful, Like good for you for doing that, and I totally get that. You know, I don't know why you couldn't take some LSD because you were wouldn't
be drinking, but whatever, I think that is. That's really like like a really beautiful way to handle it because it's not like you're sober, you drink, you have a good time, but like for periods in our life when we really do want to be there and not hungover and not have it and not and have complete mental clarity about what you're experiencing.
Also too, do you ever have this? I don't know if you guts, But like when I go to those things, it's not like I'm like I'm one of a vanity fair party. I feel really in my body right now. It's like I'm like I haven't eaten all day. I'm like stuffing into your dress that's like a beautiful dressed and you can say, why are you picking up your dress? Let it hang? And I was like, I'm like a giraffe Chelsea, I'm gonna trip. I'm like, look graceful, but I'm not graceful, the truth of the thing is, And
like I don't want to rip the dress. And then you've got your hair and your makeup and you're in these fucking shoes that are not comfortable, and like I feel like if I go there and I have a drink on top of it, I'm for sure going to face plant and like like and that's the first sure going to happen, Like I'm just gonna be But then but then, like you know, like Robert Daddy Junior came up to me at the Vanity Fair party and who
I haven't seen in a long time? Who I did you know, Iron Man with And he was so kind and I was so happy that I was really there to have that conversation. And it's also like I think, like they're the highs that you want to be present for. But then when you're having a panic attack or an anxiety attack or feeling like you have imposter syndrome, that I go I don't think that glass of wine or that you know, margarita are going to be great for
me right now. And it kind of happened after the fires because I was with Chelsea for the fires.
And another night, another night, another night.
And that happened like really fast, and we thought it was one thing. We thought like, oh, the palisades in your home was under threat, and like the critics' choice were. It was just like happening in real time, this information coming in of destruction to Los Angeles and everything sort
of changing. And then we were sitting at a hotel having a drink, and then we had to evacuate our hotel and it was and I'd had a few drinks, like I was like pink cheeked and like, and the next morning I was like, oh this is not That was like sort of sobering to go, oh yeah, you got to you got to be present, Like it felt like a nice little wake up call.
Yeah, that was a crazy night. I was staying at one hotel. I went to go have drinks with her at the chateau. Then a fire broke out in the Hollywood Hills and we had to evacuate the chateau. And I used to the guy that runs the chateau, so I told everybody, I think I'm still missus chateau. So I went around and dismissed all of the staff. I'm like, everybody leave, everybody get out. I'm like, everybody all the everybody needs to check out of the hotel. Andre's like, Chelsea,
just don't panic. I'm like, everyone go to. Let's go to And then we got in our car.
If I didn't have you, I would I didn't have I don't have a car when I'm in Los Angeles, Like, I don't know what do you call an uber in a time like that? I don't think so like Sunset Buleivar, and we had Greg Williams, who's an amazing photographer who was there, who had just done like the clothes and was going to do the critics' choice. And then we had Michael Wincott, who is a actor who's somewhat reclusive and was living at the chateau, and we grabbed him.
And then it was like I was like, this is a short film.
Like what.
I was like, let's go.
I'm like we should head to San Diego And they're like san Diego and I'm like, I mean, Leslie's like, what about Newport Beach?
Why would we go all the way to Santiago. I'm like, I'm not sure. But I think we should go to San Diego. There are fires coming from every direction.
Well, we ended up going back to my hotel and all of us just ended up drinking and being stupid because we didn't know what else to fucking.
Do and we were a band of random idiots.
Anyway, we have to get to one caller at least for this episode before we shoot the shit any longer.
We're going to take a caller, Leslie. Are you ready? Yeah, yeah, Yeah, we're gonna give We're going to give advice. Yes.
Our first caller is Shannon, and I feel like this question is particularly appropriate because there were so many age gap relationships represented in Waite.
Lotus this season.
Specifically, Shannon says, Dear Chelsea, I'm thirty four years old and I'm married to an eighty year old man whoa From the outside, it might look like I have security, but the truth is far more complicated. I met him when I was eighteen. He was supposed to be a safety net, not a husband. One choice led to another, and before I knew it, I had built a life that does not feel like mine. The thing is, he loves me, he always has, but I cannot love him
back and yet I stay. I stay because leaving impossible. I stay because I've made choices that make walking away more complicated than staying.
But most of all, I stay because.
Of my two Golden Retrievers, who are twelve and thirteen years old. They've been my constant through every twist and turn, and I do not know what I am without them. I'm not lost, I'm not weak, but I am stuck. Shannon, whoa, and then she'll be joining us here to chat.
Shannon, this is Leslie, our special guest today. Hi, Leslie Bibb say Hi, Hi, how are you?
Hi?
I'm good?
How are you?
I'm a fan?
Hi? Thank you so much, Shannon. That letter was really incredibly open and vulnerable. It's very cool.
It's a little vague.
So well, I do want to clarify one thing, because you know, you said that you guys met at when you were eighteen, but you had sort of been working for his ex in like a work capacity, so it wasn't like you started dating him when you were.
Eighteen, right, No, never, never did I ever date him. There was no dating. There was no sugar baby, sugar daddy like relationship, nothing like that. He just was always a caretaker or like some backup security for me because I just don't have like family and whatnot. And this was a long time ago, and I just became dependent on him.
Would you say you're a dependent emotionally? Do you feel like that he filled some void for you emotionally?
I'm not. It's it sounds so like messed up but not really like he was a friend. But like when I tell you, like, for years he was supposed to be the guy that walked me down the aisle, like in replace of my dad, because I don't have one, and he caught major feelings for me, and I thought that marrying him would make my life easier, and it has made my life way worse.
How so, how so, how's it made your life worse?
Well, I've always been independent, Like I've always been a very hard worker and always like took care of myself. But you know, I have these two dogs, and sometimes emergencies would happen and he would always help me. And then next thing, you know, like the pandemic happened and he was always just helping me out. And then it resulted in him falling in love with me, and I thought that okay, well fine, if we get married, he
can have, you know, companionship and not die alone. And I thought I could be somewhat able to like get my life together and go back to college and all those things. And no, he wants us to be a real deal married couple. And it's like I thought, by being introduced as his wife would be enough and just spending the majority of my time with him and all these things. But he wants one thing and one thing only. And that's really what has happened since we got married.
He wants sex.
Yeah, he wants intimacy, he wants to make out, and I am like, absolutely not and that's never been how our relationship was. And wow, do I say or do I try to plan? I like to go, but both seem extremely impossible. And it's as if I'm living tell my dogs die, which is like a sick way to live. And these dogs mean the world to me, and it's it's almost impossible to take care of two big dogs, you know, by yourself. So I didn't know I had to sacrifice so much.
I don't think it's impossible to take care of two big dogs by yourself. I don't think that's I mean, you're dealing with an eighty year old man. You know, yeah, do you have a job?
Well, I currently I don't and I did not have one when I married him. So and I've always been a bartender, and like for ten years, I've just been a bartender. And that's the only source of money I know how to make.
And that's that's good. You can do that, though, that's a source of income. That's good. You're capable of doing that.
Yes, I am capable of doing that. So it's just like I'm dependent on him for everything, and I currently just like a hot mess. Like and I did get a job when we first got married, and it gets so emotionally taxic that it's like he expects me to take off work to drive him to whatever appointments he needs, and I get so emotionally distressed that I at this point in my life, I am not, like I don't
trust myself to be reliable, not for a job. Like I married him to basically be able to just like take care of him and our home and the dogs and be his wife. But I didn't know he wanted all of the things a wife comes with.
So are you in a sexual relationship with him now?
Absolutely not? No, never, happen never once. And that's the thing that like no one believes me, and well.
Who cares if they believe you? I mean, it's like that's like a mood point. It's like you can think whatever the heck you want, you have no control over that. But I think the bigger thing, I just feel like there's two things happening. You have sort of like you have to look at, like why you got into this, which is you're probably seeking some sort of security, something that probably maybe you did not feel in your life, some sort of self worth that you didn't have for
yourself so you thought, and which is common. That's not a judgment that I'm saying that. I'm just saying you all seek. All of this is coming from a non judgment place. It's just we make these choices. We've all
done it, everybody, so nobody can. We've all done versions of this, like where you've picked the wrong person or you think I'm gonna pick this person because they feel safe or they feel this, or you feel that, and then you get down that road and you're like, oh, not what I thought, not and it's unsafe, and then you start the ball starts rolling that way and you think in your head it's too complicated, and you start to come up with these reasons why you can't go, Oh,
I can pull the shoot, I can leave, you know, taking care of two dogs. You can do that. You can do that.
That's yes.
But the thing is, that's what you're telling yourself. You need to look at what's really underneath, which is it's scary because you haven't had a job probably in a long time. I would feel that, you know, you probably have not had a job in a long time, and
you're like, where's that money going to come from? There's probably maybe even on some subconscious level, he does give you some sort of sense of security, yes, and whether you want it, because it's easy to be like no, it's this and it's this, but maybe there is some version where he does make you feel okay, and maybe you don't have to be vulnerable with somebody else because to be single and to be out there, you have to be open and you have to like you this is the devil, you know, right?
Yes, yes, so it's very scary to go.
I don't know what the fuck is out there.
That's where I'm kind of at. I feel like, yeah, like I don't know I've always had him as a backup. I've had rent and all, and I've had jobs, Chelsea and all the things, but like he's always been I've never really had everything on my own. He's always been there to help me. So that's kind of what's keeping me here because it's scary, exactly.
It is scary, and I feel like what you're feeling like it is easier to kind of stay put because of inertia and just because that's what you've known. But I feel like what is coming up for you is that you have outgrown needing somebody else to like do this for you, and like being able to go out and get a job. It's not like leave him tomorrow
and take the dogs. It can be a transition, you know, you can look at getting a job, initiating some of that stability for yourself before you know, having that conversation about maybe I want to.
Move out or maybe I want to do this.
It doesn't have to be an all or nothing thing, but it sounds like you're kind of out growing this and you're getting to a point where you might not need this anymore.
I think also, we have to watch it's so easy to be like we tell ourselves the truth that we want. It's like his schedule keeps me from having a job. That's I mean, you could get You could be like, hey, I need you to make your doctor's appointments, and I'm sure you probably help him make his doctor's appointment because he's eighty to go. We're going to schedule your doctor's
appointments from twelve to five. I'm going to go and I'm going to take a job at night, and I'm going to bar tend once a week or twice a week, and I go to work at six o'clock to midnight. And that's how you do. But you have to be you have to be the captain of your ship. You have to want to really want to do this because it's gonna be uncomfortable. It's gonna be a lot of unknowns, and your apartment might not be as nice or your home might not be as nice as it is. And
you know, dogs they're fine. The fact that they're not in a shelter. They're having a great life. Your dogs are twelve and thirteen. They don't need to walk much. They like you take them on two good walks. You give them love, you give them their treats. You know, maybe get a shitty apartment that has a backyard so the poochies can be out there. I mean, I just know that, like when you really do want to change, you will make that change. But I think it's you
have to also really look. You know, somebody can want everything from you, but it's like you have to said what you're willing to give, so he can't take anything from you that you're not giving. It's about sort of also meeting him and going, huh, what am I doing? What am I looking for?
Work?
And take all the judgment everybody's freaking opinions out of it. It's really easy to cast Look at the white loaders. All we do is talk about each other exactly. You know, we're all throwing stones from glasshouses.
You know, what's your financial situation with him? Does he just supply you with money? Do you have access to money? Like, what's the deal?
Though?
He controls everything? Like I have to ask for everything, And it's a bunch of like withholding money. If we get into a fight and he's still an active attorney, like he still works every day and stuff like that, and he has a serious temper, So it's like is he abusive emotionally and the way he yells and scares my dogs? And then so this does he scare you sometimes in like his like threats, like with what he can do legally, Like if I like don't like if I kiss him off, he you'll be like, I'll get
you out of here, like he's stuff like that. But no, I'm not like scared of him. Like it's as if I was in a relationship married to someone my own age and this is how he treated me, it would be different.
But why but why why would it be different?
Because I think I do know that I am able to like just be nice to him and like you know, kind of like mask it and flirt it and I and I'll be able to like somewhat get my way. But that's just not the girl I am. And I thought, I guess when I married him that i'd be able to like kind of schooze myself a little bit. And you know, I don't even let him sleep in my bed like at all, and it's that's just it's a never ending circle. So I guess now my question would
be like, Okay, you guys, thank you very much. It's validated that like I am capable of leaving. But do I sneak making money? Do I sneak getting out of here? Like do I talk? Because like he doesn't take divorce or anything very well, if that makes sense, I don't know, ChEls, what do you think.
I think that you have to take a step every single day to get out of that situation. I think that you need to go out actively and get a job. Go get a burtending job, find a place to work. It's not a question. It's not up for debate with him, And that's to tell him that you're going to get a job. You have to make your own money. You don't like being controlled with the money. You have to prepare yourself for when he's no longer here. He's eighty
years old, you're thirty four years old. So you have to figure out a way to get your life back in your own hands. And regardless of his reaction, I'm not concerned about your dogs, Like you can take care of two dogs, of course you can. Millions of people do it. Millions of single people have more than one animal. You know, Like, that's not an issue. You think that's
the issue because that's the only reality you've known. You have a chance to actually like grab life by the balls and live your life.
Truly and holy and do what you want. So I understand it. It's not going to have and overnight.
You're not going to walk out the door today and say, okay, we're getting a divorce. But you can walk out the door today and go get a job, and go fill out an application and go to a restaurant and say do you need a bartender? Go to a bar, find a job and start working. And that's the first step. And then the second step will be to start saving money and working more.
And it's not up to him.
When you work, you'll be available for his You know, you can make the situation amenable to him in a way where you if he's working every day, then what you could be doing. You could be working during the day too. You don't have to just be a bartender. You could go work a at Starbucks, you could go work at a coffee shop.
What's to stop you from doing that? You know, like, you have to go get.
A job first of all, because that is going to provide you with the self worth that you're going to need to have the kahunas to actually exit from this situation.
This is not a healthy situation that you're in.
It sounds very limiting emotionally, psychologically, and every other way possibly. You know, you're a young, vibrant woman who needs to live a life, and so every step you should be taking should be in the direction of that life and pursuing that life. And if he says he doesn't want you to get a job, then then you have to say to him, well, that's what's gonna happen. If you want to divorce me because I want to work, then I feel like I'm being controlled, then you're gonna have
to divorce me. And you have to mean it. You're not gonna end up outside on the street. You're gonna go get a job. That's what you're gonna do, whether it's today or tomorrow. I want to hear from you that that's what you're gonna do.
Yes, thank you, thank you.
You need to get your life.
You're not living your life right now, you're living someone else's life, So you have to go out there every day. I want you to write this down too, that you are strong and that you are powerful and that you are resilient. Write that down and put it in front of you. And when you wake up every morning, read that to yourself. I am strong, I am powerful, and
I am resilient, and go get that job. Start work, and if you don't get the first five jobs you apply for, keep going because you're strong, you're powerful.
And you're resilient, and you're going to get one of them. And then you're gonna get that job.
You're going to start working and you're going to start to feel the self forth that comes from making a living and that you are an independent, free person that you can do independent free things.
No one has.
Control over you, but you you have allowed this person to take control over you. You made some of these decisions that got you into this mess, and now you're going to make the decisions that get you out of this mess. Yeah, and it's just a matter of time before you have you have enough money before you're going to meet people at work. You might meet somebody that you can live with, you might meet a roommate. These are all probable situations.
Once you start saving money, you can start looking into who where you want to live, getting an apartment, living with other people. It's okay to downsize, It's okay to go through some difficult times as a transition out of this life. What you are in search and pursuit of is freedom. You don't have your freedom right now. So you're going to get off of this call and you're going to find your freedom. You're going to take one
step every single day. You were going to take one step in the direction of getting your life back to a place where you're making decisions for yourself. And then you're gonna take your dogs with you when you leave.
Hell yeah, yeah, yes, yes, yeah, no. I needed to hear that. I did.
So when this episode comes out, I want you to play this episode and you write down all of these things I'm saying to you. You need to wake up every morning and talk to yourself in a way that you have not been talking to yourself. You're independent and you can be free. Okay you are. We're not living in this I mean, we are living in a little bit of a fucked up world right now. But you still have your freedom, so fucking get it while you can. You have a whole life to live without him. Yes, yeah,
and you have sex to go have. You have to go have sex with people.
I know. I know I miss that too, trust me.
Yeah, So come on, like you know, what to do? You know what the answer is here. You have to listen to yourself. Yeah, you're gonna want progress.
I'm gonna want progress reports from you. Okay, yeah, no, Yeah.
That's okay. That's that's what I was hoping for.
It's okay. You're gonna have some days. It's not gonna be fucking sunshine. And like what Chelsea said, like you might not get the first job or the second job, but you have to. I think what she's saying about writing those things down, it's true. When she just said it, didn't you feel like I can fucking do it.
She may push play this fucking.
Podcast in your ear like on a loop and hear her voice in your head because you can do anything, and you're what you tell yourself is very powerful. And don't throw out baby steps for like what's giant steps? You know, it's like little compounding, Like little small steps can make a giant one.
Yes, And also just remember every single just because you haven't exerted your powerfulness and being an empowered woman up until hair. You know, maybe in moments you have been, but all over like you have a reservoir of resilience inside of you that you have not tapped into yet. Do not doubt the power of being a woman. Don't ever doubt yourself. Okay, you can doubt yourself for a minute or here and there, but you always have to come back to the idea that I can do this.
I can do this, and you're going to show yourself with every step. So next week I want you to send to Catherine and me a list of the places you've applied, what happened, Which jobs have you gotten, any job opportunities? Have you accepted a job? Let us know and check in so you can be accountable to us. Okay, because we'll be here for you.
That's amazing.
Thank you. Yeah, absolutely, I mean it. I mean it.
We're going to get you out of this situation and we're going to get you out of it in a good.
Positive, healthy way.
Okay, because you need to be surrounded by other things other than this.
This is not this is not the way to go through life.
Deserve more.
Thank you very much. Like I don't know if that's like why that's what I needed, But I am very capable.
You are than you are, Yes, yes you are okay, all right.
Cool Shannon, thank you and we'll be in touch Okay.
Bye, Shannon, Bye, Thank you so much.
Got that for sure.
Bye talk soon, bye bye.
Okay, we're going to take a break and be right back to wrap up with Leslie Bib.
And we're back with Leslie Bib. What a whoopsie doodle that was fuck, oh my god.
You know, Chelsey, it's remarkable and I'm not blowing smoke up your ass, but like it's remarkable, like the way you make people and especially women feel like we can do anything and that we've got this and you're this force, this power, and the way you're so smart and you're so funny and you're so quick, and you've got this enormous heart, and like the grace you gave that young woman and the great advice you gave her, and you just feel like you can do anything with You're such
an amazing person to have in your corner. It's really You're You're You're an extraordinary person. You really are.
Thank you right back right back at you, lay right back at you, and you too, Catherine, look back at you.
Likewise, Yeah, let's great advice today.
Yeah you did, you did you great? You brought it. You brought it.
Like that's a heavy thing, Like because you tell yourself you make this choice when you're a kid. I was married. I married somebody, and I just thought, like I picked the guy who was right on paper, he wasn't that great to me. It was like all the things we were we were not suited. He wanted like a giraffe, you know, he wanted a zebra, and I'm a giraffe.
And it's like I just thought, you know, I think women think we think we can just like compartmentalize and I can beat this and I can do this, and I can sort of fragment myself enough to make everybody happy and instead of saying, no, this isn't what makes me happy and like sort of that to go back to Mike, to live your life unapologetically.
Well, I appreciate everything you said, and I appreciate you, and I I'm so happy for your success. I'm so excited for you and all of the things that are to come, and I just can't wait to see you again in persons, And thank you for being here on Dear Chelsea.
You were awesome.
We loved thanks.
And you made great faces too.
Yes, best faces, best faces on the show, Leslie bit everybody.
All right, guys, thank you so much. I'll see you later, Chess.
Okay, have a great day.
Hi bye, Do do do Do Do do drum roll Catherine please Chelsea Handler abroad. Abroad is my European tour. So I'm coming to obviously find.
A husband abroad.
I need to get the help out of this fucking country and it's not as easy as you think. So I'm coming to Rekuvic, I'm coming to Dublin. I'm coming to the UK. I'm coming to Brussels, Paris, Belfast.
In May and June.
I'm coming to Oslo, Stockholm, to Copenhagen, Manchester, London, Glasgow, New Zurich, Vienna. I've ever been to Vienna, Berlin, Barcelona, Lisbon. I'm coming abroad.
Is abroad that sounds like fun.
I'm going to go see you abroad.
I right out. I want to go see me abroad and there all be, there all be upcoming Vegas, States, April eighteenth, July fifth, August thirtieth, November one and twenty ninth at the Cosmopolitan of Las Vegas.
If you'd like advice from Chelsea, shoot us an email at Dear Chelsea podcast at gmail dot com and be sure to include your phone number. Dear Chelsea is edited and engineered by Brad Dickard executive producer Catherine Law and be sure to check out our merch at Chelseahandler dot com