A Fresh Batch of Miracles with Uzo Aduba

pretty unwalkable, but I just don't like it. And I'm so lazy, which is why I'm a terrible parent, and I know not to have a child. But when he left, I found the peepalds in the closet and just resorted to that. I put them on the balcony, I opened the door, and then they just go and use that like I take them out once, and he used to take them out seven times a day. So I mean, it's like it's such a stark contrast from when he's here, and I don't understand. Like Burt will pace upstairs in Whistler.

My my bedrooms are downstairs in the living rooms upstairs, and Bert will pace back and forth all morning, and the pitter powder of his claws is so fucking annoying. Is so annoying. At five every morning he starts like, let's go, let's go. I want to eat, let's go, so the idea. And every morning I'm like, God, just go back to bed, bird, go back to bed. I'm thinking for my bed. But every morning Joe would just pop right out of bed and go take them out.

And then he has no problem. Like you know, at night, when I'm stoned and ready to get into bed, the last thing I want to do is take them out, and he'll do it on a moment's notice. Like he has a different mental capacity than I do. And I'd like to tap into his, because I do want to be somebody who wants to take my dogs out. But I don't think it's going to happen in this lifetime, Katherine.

I mean, let's be realistic, you know what I mean. Well, maybe not in their lifetimes, because they don't seem like they really want to go for a hike. They seem pretty lazy. They are, That's part of it. They just like walk outside listlessly, you know, and then p forty times and on each other. It's just like one of them is sniffing, and the other one lifts is like, yeah, and I have on my rugs are both ruined here. I'm like, I'm for fairly certain my entire place just

smells like you're in. So I've basically turned into, you know, somebody who's basically living like in a trailer park. Yeah, I know. I'm just like I've lost all ability for any sort of decorum. Well, you know what, you're at your vacation home. It can you can live in squalor. It's I'm living in my white privilege vacation home. Well,

today we have a really fun guest. Chelsea. Our guest today is an award winning actress and she recently started in the Emmy winning drama series in Treatment, and then she just finished the Broadway production of Clyde's pain Killer is a new project that is coming out on Netflix. It's a limited series starring her and Matthew Broderick. So please welcome Uzo A Duba Uzo. How are you? I am great? How were you? How were you all? Well?

I was excited. First of all. I want to say that I just recently saw Uzo's play Clyde in New York, which I think has already ended, right, did you just wrap? Yeah, we just finished on the sixteenth of January. Congratulations, thank you, thank you for coming to see us. Lay Oh, Joe, Coy and I came. Yes, we came, and we sat in the back of the theater, not in our assignce seats. Uh. We decided to move because Joe had a cocktail and

we weren't allowed to bring that in either. So we were breaking laws left and rules left and right coming there. But we loved seeing you. I love seeing you in action. You know how I feel about your acting. I love it. Thank you. Thanks Lead. This is Catherine, my co host and producer. Catherine. Nice to meet you. I love your hair, Catherine, thank you. It's just it's bright pink today and fluffy and she's always full of color when I get here. How are you doing, wing Uzoh? How how has pandemic

life been treating you? I heard that you secretly got married during the pandemic? Is that a fact? That is a fact? WHOA? I sure did? I got married um September twelve. Yeah, it was, you know, it wasn't even like it's not so much I would say, like a secret. It's like that expression like it wasn't a secret, just wasn't anybody's business or I wasn't talking about it. You know, we've been together. It was a long time coming, and it just so happened that a pandemic happened, you know,

like that was meant to happen. But then we all got shuttered in and so were you able to spend the wedding with your family and your friends and have all the people that were important to you there? Yeah, that was you know what's so funny about pandemic I

mean about pandemic Weddings's exactly. The thing about pandemic weddings is because you can't have this never ending list of names, you know, people showing up, you really are forced to tailor it down to the allowed number, you know, because living in New York, especially in that time, it was so limited the number of people who could gather. So we were forced to really get down to the bones of it, and it wound up just being our families and the end. And to tell you the honest truth,

it was awesome. It was perfection. It was really great because then you know the way you all experience like together you you have siblings, you know, like my brothers and sisters. Now everybody plays like an even more significant role on the day, you know, because it's just you guys. Did you write your own vows or did you use traditional vows? Combination? Wrote and the traditional part like we cut like the swearing party where it's like do you

vow to like we're better or verse. I'm like, I'm gonna need this in writing, like I'm gonna need the part like my better and worst parts, like you know, um, we kept those parts, but yeah, we wrote our own as well. And how does it feel to be a married woman. It feels the same but different. You know.

It's so funny because right before we were engaged, my cousin, my little cousin, was getting married and she had said this thing we're talking about, you know, like getting married this to this, and she was in the middle of her engagement and she said something like, don't mourn being single, because there are really precious things about that that you

never are going to get again. And I was like, what do you mean, and she was like, you just being able to just truly, without explanation, get up and go without telling anybody. I'm going to Tagiti. That's just gone, just those little things, and I think that's more of the difference. Checking in was just never something that was like expected of me before, and it's like, oh now I have to check in that I'm coming home those

little things. But I like it. I don't know. I think it just gave me like that I wanted, not needed, but wanted. Uh huh, that's interesting. I like the notion of dating. You know, I love having a boyfriend instead of having a husband, Like I just think it's a sexier sounding thing. And Joe, and you know, when I talked to my girlfriends about being married, they're like Gwyneth Palto said this. She said she was when we got engaged, we didn't live together for two years, or we got married,

we didn't live together for two years. She goes, and it just got sexier and hotter our relationship, Like it became like a flirtation, almost like we were married but still not together. And she's like, so there was this build up she goes, where all of a sudden, him being my husband became so much sexier than him being my boyfriend. And I was like, oh, okay, let me try and think about it in that framework, because I always think quait weddings is like, Okay, then the party's over.

That's the last party and then it's over. And I want the potential for another party to always be around the core on earth. Maybe that's the thing. Maybe you should have continuous parties going, you know, even if you're married, you get to have some kind of event that gives you the freedom to be I don't know, still feel that singlehood also, I will say I think it's different if I worked in a different industry, maybe where you come home every single day, you know what I mean.

Like we have like the fortune of feeling like dating sometimes because you're out of town for work, so you have those little like periods apart. But that makes me miss him more even more, like just our day to day. So what did you do with your brothers and sisters on your wedding day? Like what what were their responsibilities? Because that is one reason I would get married, to make sure that all my brothers and sisters would be

able to share that with me totally. Well, first of all, we while they were part of a lot of the readings we have like little things, you know, like letters that we've found, like love letters from like poets and musicians, to their lovers and things like this that we had I thought were really beautiful and had those read, which was kind of cool. They read that stuff, they did the toasts getting us ready. It was funny because it was like we didn't have bridesmaids or grooms men. They

just were like everybody was a participant. Everybody participated, Like someone did the blessing, someone did the reading of like my brother married us, things like that, Like everybody's hand is in that. My nieces and nephews were like all the like flower girls. Actually one of my nieces was the bridemaid. Everybody played. Every single one of our parents and siblings played a role in the day and that was awesome. And how many brothers and sisters do you have?

I have? I'm one of five? Oh yeah, okay, so me too, yeah, one of five? And what number are you? Um? Three medal. I'm the youngest where I belong. That is the only position for me. We'll be right back. So you must wear two hats in your family, right, because you're an older sister to so many younger sister to others. Totally, and like there's an age gap between my older brother and older sister and I so like my older sister

and I who are She's two and I'm three. There's six years between us, so like I'm super younger sibling for them, you know when I came out and then like then they went to college and left the house, and then I was super older sibling over here, even though they didn't want me to be, like they like kept trying to steal me of my title of like older siblings, but like my younger siblings, but still supermassi and like we make them so like I definitely like

balanced that. But then like my younger sister, Cheech and I were really close for a year and a half apart, and we're the only ones who are so a year and a half a part both girls and sharing a room together or a lot, and even were roommates up until like ten years ago, so like we had like an almost sister. Yeah right, Yeah, I shared a room with my sister who actually was six years older than me, and we did not act like twins. She was a pain in my ass from the very beginning. And we

we had tape. We would line our room because we shared a room. Quick tape. Yeah, we put tape down and she taped her side to the side where the door was, so she thought that I was going to have to ask her when I wanted to leave the room. I was like, no, bitch, I don't care how much older you are than me, Like that is don't get it twisted. I'm still in charge here. Let me tell you my sister. So me and my sister we shared a room when my older sister moved out when she

went to college. I moved into her room, being like I want my own room. But it was downstairs and it was by myself, like nobody else was down there. Hated it. I don't think I even made it, like six months by myself down there. Tried to come back into the room, which is ours because she does not own this house, and she tried to tell me it was not my room anymore. Like she tried to be like, you can't sleep, and I was like, I can definitely

sleep in here. And then I remember she was like, well you can only have this, and I was like the thing, like I was like, I cannot be by as much space that I want in this room. Move over, get on the way. Do you feel like a lot of the stuff that you learned within your family comes into play when you're on sets and kind of like organizing people, like I know where Orange is the New Black, You guys had this massive cast of people, so like there are a lot of hats and a lot of

you wore. But how do you feel like that has found its way into your work? Like your family dynamic, I'll say a. I think cooperation whether you want to or not, depending on the placement of the child to be there. I can't speak for lastborns because my last born is like super He's actually very good, but like was definitely the most spoiled, So I can only speak for a like people who have in the middle, like coming all but in the definite scheme of things, you

have to cooperate. I think you just let a few more things roll, probably because it's not that deep or you know, it could go that deep, and it's over the stupidest thing, you know, So like that is something I think I learned. I like to be around a lot of people, like I like having people over, I

like having people come and stay and stuff. Probably didn't really phase me that there were For example, of season one of Orange, there weren't enough dressing rooms at the studio for everybody, so like they had I think it was Sesame Street. Sesame Street was in this like shot

in the same place wherever their dressing rooms were. When we would shoot, when they weren't cheating or whatever, they had a green room that a bunch of us all stayed in, you know, we would play cards and just like make up games and hang out with a fewers of your time to like get ready to shoot. There was a conference room just off it, and like we'd

all go and change in there. And I think, like making things work doesn't really easy, you know what I mean, Like you have to just sort of accommodate whatever the situation calls for the accommodating. How do you feel now, Like,

obviously your career is going great. You were amazing and in treatment you were amazing playing Shirley Chisholm, And now you went from your big big break Orange this a New Black where you're participating in an ensemble cast and now you're moving on to doing stuff on your own. Like how does that feel to you as an artist? Are you feeling like you're standing in your power? More? Like this is exactly what you hoped everything would turn into. From Oranges, the new black, yes, but I think you

said it right. It's like more the operative is like I feel like I'm standing into my power more. I think in the beginning I was I don't know, like wobbly legged feeling, you know, just I don't know if anybody else has ever felt this, but like feelings of worth, feelings of value, like should should I be occupying this much space or not? You know, all of these questions do I belong here? Even right? Yes, imposter syndrome, you know,

all of these things are like super real. And then I don't know there was coming to an arrival point of like I might not know whether I do or not, but I'm gonna stand here a little bit more sturdily, you know what I mean? Absolutely? Yeah. I wish people could see you right now too, because you're like feeling

these words with your whole body. I've talked with my hands like so much and like i'll breathe, I'll be like, you know, it's like not and they're like, yeah, I totally know, and I'm like, you know, I don't know how that plays for podcasts, sorry America, but that's like why thing, But yeah, it's that feeling like I feel like I'm coming into myself. I also think that's like

maturity that plays into that. I don't know how you ladies feel like just growing up generally and realizing like how like you've lived and how whatever sort of like conditions or restrictions have been placed on yourself, how has that served me or not? And whether I want to continue forward for the rest of the chat. First to come with that, Yeah, are you? Are you spiritual? Yes? I could use the language of Christian and those stories

because I'm familiar with them. But I'm not religious. I believe in a God how we call it, how we name it. I'm less invested in I'm more invested in the knowing that there is something else above me. Yeah. I was talking to my friend and she goes, what do you believe in? And I said, well, I just I believe. I don't believe in God per se. But she goes, oh, please, everyone says they believe in something other than God, that there's something else out there. She's like,

that's God. I'm like, oh, I'm like, I don't believe in God, but yeah, that's the name we have for it. It's the only name or universe, you know what I mean? They both they're both not cutting the mustard for me, So it's somewhere between God and the universe, even though I I also believe something else is at play that we're not able to ever recognize or see. On the oft times that we do feel it, where we feel like we've been touched by something bigger than ourselves, or

something's moved in a certain direction. For the circumstances to turn out the way they do. It is a humbling experience to be like, oh, wow, this isn't just about me and my decision making. Do you recognize it in the moment or do you all feel it later, like when you're reflecting. I mean, the more I meditate, the more I do like you know, mindfulness and practice that, the more I'm open to it being a part of

my day every day. I definitely in the past when there has been big moments or shifts, or I've you know, skirted out of a disaster that I was sailing towards, you know, like things like that, when there's all of a sudden everything works to make that impossible bigger moments previously. But now that I'm a hip to it, I'm like, oh okay, yeah, all of these things that are in motion are really have so little to do with you

in the end. You know, everything has to come together from so many different directions for something to work out, right that I just assume it's kind of part of every thing. Now, got you do you like now with this business like you and this mathive career that you have have and have had over now decades successfully like which is it's a consistency of your excellence, you know, like the points right that it's not a fluke there

is there? Yeah, right, right right? Well, no, I mean I think all of us in any career, I mean, if you're in this business, you do go through periods of self consciousness where you're like, wait, you can still feel like an impostor you can still feel like, oh god, is it old, is it too much? Is it the same as it? Blah blah blah. But yeah, I leaned. I air more on the side of like, you know, I'm at an age now where I know that I'm not an accident. I don't feel like I have imposter syndrome.

When I go somewhere, I feel like I belong and I feel like people are pretty lucky to hang out with me. When they get the opportunity. Like I feel that way about myself, you know, like I don't spread myself too thin anymore because I care too much about myself and my well being and I just want to be happy more than anything. Like, I think it takes a lot of self assurance to just be able to say I don't want to work for this period of time. You know, I don't want to do this. I don't

have to do this. There's not a desperation, you know that you have when you're in your twenties trying to get people to understand that you have something to offer. So if you lay the foundation and the groundwork over a period of time, then we get to step back and go, Okay, I've laid the groundwork for this career. Now I can have a little bit more fun with it. Now it's not all my my whole drive or my

whole life. But yeah, I mean, you know, like being in a relationship that's new for me and I'm fucking loving it. I fucking love it, And I was not interested in that or looking for that in any major way. So changed then. Well, I think with my therapy and everything I did, I just started to look at the world in a much different way. So the person that I've been friends with for fifteen years, I saw him

in a different light. You know, I didn't ever look at him like that before because I was very close is minded about who I was going to date. And a guy could wear a pinky ring and I would, you know, so am my vagina shut that night? Like anything could turn me off, Like it could be the simplest little thing. If there's a flip flop, you know, too close to my eyeline, I'm like, you know, like there are so many small I once went on a date with a guy who were an air May's belt

and I fucking lost it. As soon as he got up to go to the bathroom. I got up and left without saying goodbye. I saw it. I was like, oh, And then he was wearing a cologne. I was like, no, that's a deal breaker. I'm not doing that. So after therapy, I was much I looked at the values rather than material things, like I'm like, wait, somebody represents this person

is fun and funny and I adore him. And then I was able to like become attracted to him through a different kind of Yeah, I would say different lens is how I always say it. I guess that's an apt description. Anyway, enough about me, so okay, so today, this is what we do on this podcast. We have callers and listeners who call in and write in for advice, and then we give it to them straight. Yes, you up for that task, girl, Okay, let's do it. Catherine is going to read us in with our first with

our first patient. Oh and it was I was a doctor too, from in treatment. So we're all doctors here. So actually, you need to go get community college degree at the very least. You know what I actually did. I attended three colleges and one of them was a community college, and it was like they were some of the best classes I had ever taken. That's great. I went to community college for a semester right after high school.

I tried to just throw my parents abone and said, I'll do this for like a semester and then we'll all see what a mistake it is. And I went to the County College of Morrison, New Jersey, which I braded two people, was one of the top ten community colleges in the country, and I studied Russian history for a month, and then I was like, I gotta get the funk out. Yeah, oh yeah. I was into stars

and oligarch and oligarchs and all that ship. Anyway, I went for a semester and then I was like, this is I gotta get the funk out of New Jersey, Like this is bringing me down. And then I went to l A and I that was the end of community college for me. Well, we'll take a quick ad break and then we'll be back with some questions. Excellent, and we're back. And that's how we do it, and that's how we roll here at Dear. So we have some kind of tricky questions for you today. So it

was beyond high alert. I'm ready, I'm ready. Our first question comes from K Dear Chelsea. I was in an awful marriage that was ending, and in a vulnerable state. I made the awful mistake of giving in to an affair. My marriage ended and my ex never knew of the affair. However, the man I had the affair with remains married with children and his wife doesn't know. I'm currently in recovery and grapple with the idea of making amends. I've always thought telling her would do more harm than good, and

to make matters more complicated. I was also friends with her. Her husband and mine were coworkers. I was ready to let it go and keep the secret. However, after a year of no contact, her husband has tried to get in touch and back to his dirty ways, trying to start things up again. Gross. Do I carry this or do I tell her? Okay? M M, whoa m M, it's the coming back. Initially, when I was hearing the story, I was just like, leave it alone. Do you not

address just step out that he's coming back. I would be like, don't call me again, and if you do that, I'm going to tell your life. I think you give him the opportunity to like course cracked essentially, and then if he doesn't, then like straighten him up. It sucks that they have kids such that that happened. It happens, but it also kind of sounds like in that letter and like she's do you want to go back into it? Are you looking for? I think she is not wanting

to get back into it. She's mended her ways and feels bad about it. It seems to me that she's not interested. My question would be like, if she says no to him, is he just going to go find somebody else. Well, yeah, it sounds like he's already and I'm unhappy. Yeah, I mean that's not her problem. Like what he's up to is not your problem, because as long as the relationships over, it's not your problem. But if you said you were friends with his ex, like

how close to friends? I would say, first of all, like is that a good friend of yours? Because if it is a good friend of yours, I mean I think every woman owes it to other women to be truthful and honest, especially in these kinds of circumstances. If she wasn't a really good friend of yours, you might feel differently. And then it's like you're going and blowing up this family. That it's not really your family to blow it up, and you're not having an active affair

with him. So I would say, hey, consider the level of friendship you have with this woman, and like what kind of do you think you owe her? And b yeah, do what USO did. If he calls you a gang, go listen, I'm not interested anymore. If you want, you know, if you call me a guy, I'm going to contact your wife and that should nip everything in the bug. Anyway, I don't know how I feel about going in like blowing up another person's family. That's not that's like a

heavy thing to do. And I don't think by the way that they're actuate friends because didn't it say that she was her husband and the wife work together, So it's like it's not like this is like from school, like you know what, friends by proxy of the X that it's like mm hmm, leaven alone. Yeah, I mean it's tempting. Yeah, when there are children involved, I just would say leave it alone. Just don't even go down

that road. And if you have to get him off your jock, just tell him you know the thing that's going to get him off at your jock, which is that you're gonna tell his wife. That usually works. It seems to work, Yeah, more effective than get lost, I suppose. Yeah, having affairs is you know, it's so upsetting, but it's also so fucking common, Like so many people have extra may at affairs. You're just like, oh god, I wish it weren't so regular. Yeah. Well, and it's like how

just fucking get me started? Do you mean you mean the time commitment? Like how people can even have the time to balance. How are you even doing it? Is the magic that I'm fascinated by. Yeah, exactly, like one relationship is enough for us. Yes, aren't you scared anyway? Yeah? Or too busy? Well? Our next question, and this is a caller, Dear Chelsea. I'm a twenty six year old single woman from Chicago. I come from a large family

and have five siblings. I recently found out my mom has not paid the property taxes on my childhood home in five years, and the property is about to be seized. I am, however, in the financial position to get a mortgage on the house, pay the taxes, and make necessary house repairs. The issue is I can't afford both the

mortgage and my rent. I don't trust my mom to pay the mortgage since she hasn't paid the proper taxes in five years, and it's generally bad with money, and as the only financially stable person in the family, I can't have my credit tanked with missing payments. So my two choices are one, give up my cute bachelorette pad and get a mortgage, pay the taxes and make repairs, and move back home with my family, or to keep my dating and social life intact say it's not my

problem and watch my family fall into homelessness. Any advice, thanks, Jennifer. Fuck. I know it's a tricky one, big decisions. Jennifer is here. Oh thank god? Okay, good Hi. Hi, Hi Jennifer. We have Uzo on today too as our guest. Hi. Nice to meet. Yes, Hi Jennifer. Hi. I'm sorry you're dealing with that happened. It's life. Yeah, I know, we have so much baggage from our family. It is like, oh, look at that cute little what was that a cat? It's already gone. It's a cat. Tell him, I saved

me out. What So what's this? Who's who lives with your mom in the house now? So currently it's my two brothers who are in college, and then my older sister who was disabled. And did you have a conversation with your mom about these payments not being Yeah, I mean I talked to her about it, and she it is what it is. I mean, she's a teacher and the single mom, so she just she just couldn't pay them, and she freaking out that the house it might be seized. Yeah, definitely, definitely. Yeah.

And how would you feel if you didn't step in and save the day. Yeah, it's tough because it's like part of me wants to like put on my cape, you know, and come save the day. But another part is like maybe I just kind of have a big sister syndrome, and I just feel like I need to swoop in and save my siblings because just kind of what big sisters do, you know. So it's kind of hard.

I'm kind of about uh, my dating prime, just her living it up in the city, got a cute apartment, and you know, I don't really want to give that up. But it's like I am empathizing with my brothers and I couldn't imagine if I were in college and my life got turned upside down, I didn't have stability, I probably wouldn't have turned out as good as I did. I wouldn't be in the position to do what I'm doing. And it's like I want to give my brothers a chance to start up their life on the right foot.

But it's like, wow, at the expense of my own life, you know. So it's kind of tough. It's kind of tough. M Yeah, that's a big responsibility. So what are your thoughts, Well, that's totally a lot, and you know, just sort of echoing with Chelsea said, I'm sorry that you're going to that. Can we imagine day to day what you're thinking about? My question would be you could jump in and save the day today, Yeah, and what happens after today? What happens tomorrow? Yeah. The way I kind of looked at

it is like, this wouldn't be a permit solution. I mean, I essentially am thinking, like, if I do this, it's gonna be a three year plan and just kind of read valuate how everything is going, because my biggest thing is just making sure my brothers are settled and they graduate college and they get settled in their careers and things like that. So it's like they're still kind of kids because they're teenagers. This wouldn't be a long term thing.

Like after three years, I would kind of reassess the situation. But at the same time, it's like, and three years, I'm going to be in my thirties. I'm like sacrificing the end of my twenties to do the family thing, you know, which is a hundred in twenties years. By the way, exactly exactly. I don't know your family, I understand and that's totally empathized and sympathize with the desire

to swoop in and jump in. Um. I wonder if there's a middle that can be found, if perhaps there's a world where you could stay in your great apartment that you have worked for and been excited about and aspiring towards over the years, And if there is a way of helping your mom and your siblings into another housing situation that maybe isn't this. That's that's sounding like it might be a little bit difficult for them to manage month to month. Yeah, that's another thing I was

thinking about. So another option is we sell the house. We try to find another living situation. But it's like my grandparents bought this house, and like the eighties, I'm not going to find anything cheaper to house my family in. So it's like moving to a different housing situation, which is kind of add to the financial strain because this is essentially the cheapest option. I could help my mom. She could save some money and get on her feet.

I mean, I'd also be saving money, but I mean I'm already on my feet, so that's not really an issue. So it's like moving. I feel like moving into a different house, just kind of push this issue down the road a little bit, like, if we can't afford this living situation, they're not really going to be able to afford any under living situation. Honestly, I think you're just gonna have to. I would go at home and move in and just make sure that my brothers and sisters

are looked after and until they're on their feet. You know, you have another sister you said, you mentioned I think it's a three year if you have it in your head. You sound like you have You're a planner and you're looking at the long game instead of the short game, which is a huge advantage. You know, you can look at it like three years. It's not like you can't date while you're living at your mom's house. I mean, anyone who hears this story is going to be like,

oh my god, you're a fucking badass. You know, you went in to save the day, like, you know, share a princess of power going in and helping your family. Like, first of all, that's very attractive, and you know, it's a perfect example for you to go check out guy's houses so that you can go listen, we can't go back to my fucking mother's house. So I need to go see where you live and what's going on with your situation. And I think you're gonna have a lot

of self worth for doing that for your family. You're not gonna let your mom get kicked out of her house, not if you can do something about it. It's just not even probably in your DNA to do that. Yeah, at the end of the day, if it comes down to it, like them having somewhere to go and not having somewhere to go, you're going to make sure that your parents and your family's exactly I don't want to do nothing, and then I'm in my one bedroom apartment anything.

I don't want to tell you what to do. But at the same time, it's like this is your family, and it's like, yes, dating is cool, but like no one can ever replace those people. Period. Yeah, I'm gonna come and go really quickly. You'll be in your thirty five years. Yeah, that's when the party really gets started anyway, anyway, Jennifer, is that thirty that's when the party officially starts. Right now, you're just you're just pregaming. This is all just like

tail dating question for you. Jennifer is your mom in financial duress, like right now or straying financially because of the pandemic? I think I mean partially the pandemic. Yeah, partially just because she's a teacher. Well, another avenue for you to explore. I don't know if you've listened to us on this podcast when we talk about Pandemuch of Love, but my friend Shelley to Gilski runs Pandemic of Love and they can figure out financial aid mutual. They do

mutual financial aid for people. So if you go d m her on Instagram, it's at Mindful skate Girl. Is her handle Mindful Skater Girl, Mindful Skater Girl, say your friend of mine and just enquire about mutual aid because she is. She runs this foundation and they've exchanged sixty million dollars over the last couple of years with people who need help because of the pandemic. So try that too and see if anything can happen there, because a lot of our callers have used that resource and it's

been really helpful for so many people. Oh nice, thank you. Yeah. Yeah, So go d m her and keep us posted what you decide to do. Please. Yeah, you're not gonna go wrong. Sticking with your family and coming in and saving the day. You're never gonna go wrong being Florence Nightingale. That's good as long as it's for the right people, you know, your relatives. Yeah, yeah, I agree. I've spent many hours talking to my therapist about it. So just come down

to making a decision. Good good for you. The way you're making the decision is good, good for you, strong minded. Well, thank you so much, Jennifer, and we wish you best of luck. Thank you, bye, take care. Wow. Hopefully Shelly can just help them and then that will be the end of that conversation. My friend Shelley runs this organization USO. It's incredible. They just give money a way to people.

I think it's more than that. It's it's a lot because it's been going on since the beginning of the pandemic. But she just finds people to match with other people. So whoever's like going through a hard time can find a donor in San Francisco, or you know, some guy who has money that want he wants to help out with, and then you can kind of cultivate a relationship with these people, your donor, and then you know when you

fall on hard times. If the donors ever fall on hard times, they go right back to the source of where they were giving money from. So it's a great, nice circular system. Yeah. I mean, for anybody who's doing something like that, I would just say, if she does need to move back in with her family, like set really clear expectations, whether or not you see an attorney, like do that in writing so everybody knows, like, here's how much mom is going to pay in rent, even

though she's taking care of the taxes. Maybe the older brothers have like a part time job and they can contribute, you know, a small amount, but meaningfully toward toward rent, toward the living situation, so that she can get back to the city and do fun stuff. Again. It reminds me of like when I told my brothers and sisters. I was like, okay, I've had it, Like I want dad to move to my house in l A. I'm gonna get twenty four hour care. He's going to be

at my house. He's in he was in a wheel chair at this point, and my brothers and sisters were like, that's a terrible idea. We're not allowing you to do that. I was like, why I could afford twenty four hour care. I can do all this to Like Cheslsea, you emotionally cannot handle dad in your house. It doesn't matter what part of the house do you think you're in. As your brothers and sisters, we are video wing this side of and I was like, oh, thank god I didn't

go through with that. But I'm a different personality. You know, I don't have little brothers, because if I had anyone little to look after, I would just do whatever and I needed to do obviously said it right with older sisters in their own it's hard. I was hearing her, and I was like, I totally hear you, and it's tough because you're just like wanting to sail at the same time, it's your family, and I honestly like I

can see both side. Like, whatever choice somebody like Jennifer were to make, you still would have to show up for your family in some capacity. You know, even if you decided to stay where you are, you're gonna have to step in at something. Yeah, family are hard, very much so well. Our next question comes from Francisco. He says, Dear Chelsea, my mom passed right after the pandemic started. My husband and I live in San Diego and my

family is still in Arizona. I'm a kidney transplant recipient, so my husband and I were in a strict quarantine while she was dying. We were able to see her, of course, using masks. My family respect did and understood the precautions we were taking, but weren't taking this seriously and no one was wearing masks. I narrowly missed her passing since we were driving to the hospital when she died,

and I was devastated. We siblings all agreed that we would cremate her and then wait until the pandemic head quote passed, then do a memorial and spread her ashes at her mom's grave. We waited almost a year, and my siblings decided to go through with the service spreading her ashes. I told them I couldn't go. It was during a huge spike and COVID cases. I begged them to please wait until I was vaccinated. At this time, they had just started giving out vaccines to frontline workers

and then immunocompromised would be next. They said no. I asked them to please just save me a small amount of ashes. Again, they said no, because the Catholic Church doesn't condone splitting the ashes. Growing up, we always made decisions by majority vote. I asked for a vote and everyone voted no, even the sister I was closest with. I was so heartbroken they laid her to rest without me. I feel like I was not allowed to have closure. I feel they cheated me out of saying goodbye. And

I haven't spoken to any of them since. I'm angry and I can't let this go. I've visited my mom several times since I've laid on the grass and just talked to her. I miss my family, but I can't seem to get over this. I'd appreciate any advice. Francisco, that's heartbreaking. It sounds like a bunch of people that didn't take COVID seriously and then can't believe that somebody is being cautious, you know, like, oh, come on, you're not gonna get it. I hate that attitude. It's like

you're it's not up to you whether someone else gets COVID. Yeah, I understand you being mad at your family. You have every right to be upset with your family, So give that as much time as you need. And I think in the meantime, A great idea for you. I I'm glad you're able to visit your mom at the memorium where that she the ashes are I guess is where she's visiting at her mother's grave, So it goes to the grave side. Yeah, but there are ashes, not a grave, correct, Okay, correct?

So you should really plan something for yourself, like for you to give your mother the goodbye at you is going to give you the closure, whether it's a small ceremony with you and your husband, or you and your plan something. Make it an event for you to say goodbye to your mother. Write something down that you want to read to her, you know, bring the flowers, bring your friends, if you want to do it with your a whole group of your people, then do that. But

you have every right to celebrate your mother's passing. And I say celebrate because you want to celebrate her life, right. You want to pay respect to the fact of how long she was here and all the beautiful memories you have, and the fact that she's not ever going to leave her child's side, so she's always going to be here in some capacity. You just don't get to see her anymore. And I firmly believe in that, but you need to just have your day and have your funeral independent of

your brothers and sisters. And when you are at a place that you're able to forgive them, then you can revisit that. But there's no rush to forgive them because they robbed you of saying goodbye to your mother, and I don't want you to sit in that for too long because then they've controlled your experience and now you need to take control back of your experience. What do

you think that is like? Super heartbreaking? It's sad because I feel like COVID has done so much to divide so many people, and that your siblings that sound like are like not believers in It is sad, you know, and didn't have the compassion to understand your medical state, you know, and and you know compromise state to wait is unfortunate. But I would say, yes, you should have maybe a celebration of life, you know, along her, like one year maybe or something like that could be really nice.

I do think it's important, especially when parents go, you know, I know what that feels like. It's important for like siblings to find their way back to like whoever whatever they were before like their parents left, because it's really easy when parents aren't there, sort of like sewing in the middle between each of you and helping to keep the peace over there, like silly or big fights that you have for those things to go on for like

much longer than maybe those parents would allow. You give yourself the space because you are entitled to it to

like feel what you're feeling. But if these are siblings who we were close to and like you had relationship with previous to your mother leaving, it may be worth finding a time when you are calm and you can say what you feel without concerned of how it's responded to, Like sit your siblings down and really tell them how you're feelings, because it sounds like that that is what it is at the end of the day, like not just the robbery of not being able to participate in

your mom but like you hurt my feelings, and that's sometimes like the baseline thing I think most people can't ignore when you say that, like my feelings, you know, forget about like how they were like they were hurt that they hopefully will able to hear that and like a conversation can start and how do we work to feel that would for both of us, because I imagine they maybe had her feelings for me what they perceived

as your absence. But how do we come back to, you know, just really sort of like opening ourselves up to a vulnerable place of saying like, my feelings are hurt and and why, and maybe that will gave some of those in roads. Because if you were family previous to your mom, I would imagine your mom would want you to come back to your family again, for sure. That's that's what it makes me think of two, is like your mom would want you to at some point forgive and get to a place where you can have

a relationship. Maybe it's with all your siblings, maybe it's just with the sister that you were super close with, but yeah, I think it was a right starting from a place of vulnerability when you are ready for that and just coming to them with that. Yeah, I mean I feel that way about my mom when she died told me like, you better keep this family together. She said that when she was dying on her deathbed, like

I'm counting on you. You need to do care of this one, and you need to take care of your brother. She said that to me and I took it like that is. Everything I do is without intention because of my you know, she never asked me for a single thing. And like I think any mother's wishes for her family to be together once she's gone, my mom may she restly just left us a year and change ago. Before leaving,

was like this. You people to always called this you people like you, people you know who must stay together, you know. And I remember right after her interment, my siblings and I weren't hug and saying that, you know, and just really the biggest way we could honor our parents would be too still love and be in each other's lives. The shame would be like if we let that collapse, all of that work that had been done, particularly by this one here, if that fell, if it

was only she was the foundation. You know what I'm saying, There's no way, there's no way. I love so much of what I do, I love my friends, I love everything else in my life. There's nothing that matches will ever match my family. And even though I'm building my own family now, like that core family, it's just not where I'm tent. There's nothing. Was your mom able to see you get married us? Oh? She did. Isn't it

crazy life events. We've talked about this before. Somebody leaves your life and then this, I know, you've been together with your partner for a long time, but the wedding, you know, comes, the times go together, like somebody leaves and then there's a baby born, or there's a wedding, or there's a marriage. It's just the way things work like that. As certain people exit out of our lives, other big events enter. And I've always been fascinated by that.

You know, after my mom died, so many major things happened to me. I fell in love for the first time. I was starting my TV show, one of my first TV shows, and it was just like I was like, God, this is such an interesting dichotomy, Like I'm experiencing such loss, but I have so many distractions and so many things where my life was just beginning a thousand percent. Like you know, right after my mom passed away, my sister

Chea che she just was pregnant. She just had her baby a couple of months ago, delivered just short of a year after my mother passed away, and like what a miracle, you know, like we say, like when she when she said she was pregnant. It's like, oh my gosh, after the rain always comes the sun. That's what I kept hearing, you know what I mean, and like thinking, and it's like, yes, absolutely, and look at this beautiful baby girl now in our lives, starting out in a

new marriage. I'll also say this, I make this joke like with my siblings. I don't know if like when you first get to Heaven you get like a fresh batch of miracles or what the jury Also, you get like scooted into the front of the line from like the older angels, you know what it means, like rain, a lot of like stuff out there. And I was like, you guys, gonna get your wishes in line in order, and you know what I mean, to start asking for

what you want. Because she's like up there, like I don't know how long this last, right, I don't know how long I've got this ferry dusk for. So get your ship together. Yeah, totally fine without miracles left and right. Like so that makes me feel good when I think about it. Well, our last question today comes from Cheyenne. She's also on the phone. Cheyenne says, Dear Chelsea, I'm a twenty five year old from Minnesota. When I was about two years old, my uncle Brian went missing. He

disappeared after going on a trip to Vegas. My dad's side of the family does not talk about their feelings or any family history. I've always been fascinated and concerned by my family's lack of interest in finding out what happened to my uncle. So in college, I started digging for more information, and as I found out more details, parts of my family, mostly my grandparents, got very upset by this. My grandma even stopped talking to my dad

for a while specifically because of this. How do I balance my interest and concern for finding out more about my uncle's whereabouts without making more issues with that side of the family. Thanks Cheyenne. Hi, Cheyenne, Hi, Hi, this is Uzo. Hi. It's nice to meet you. Hi, Cheyenne. So you started looking at you your uncle's murder or disappearance, right, You don't know that he was murdered. Yeah, we really

have no idea what happened to him. Basically, all we know is he went to Vegas and they found his car in California, and there has been nothing since then, and there hasn't been any police reports made on it. So there's been a lot of frustration with me with my family just because I'm like, well, why aren't you doing anything? And yeah, that's kind of where I'm at. It sounds like the perfect opportunity for you to start

a podcast and track and track your uncle down. Yeah, that's not a lot of people have told me so. I mean, you have every right to pursue this and find out all of the stuff that you want to find out. Just obviously your family is not interested in hearing it, so it's not necessary for you to share all of your findings with them, is it. Yeah? I

don't think so. In they like for me, I'm so open to doing this and figuring out all I can figure out, because even though I was very young when he disappeared, I care about it a lot for whatever reason. But I just get worried about my dad and my grandma's relationship because since I started looking into it, she's gotten weird about it, and I don't know why that is, and it makes me suspicious. But I don't want to think that way. But the thing that holds me back

from digging into it is ruining their relationship. I'm seeing Chelsea in the if you are going to pursue it. You don't have to tell anybody in your family. You don't have to bring them into it. If it's your personal pursuit, it's your personal pursuit. They have their reasons, you know. I don't know what a mother's reason would be for not wanting to know what happened to her son, or a brother's reason would be for that. But they have their reasons, and I would guess that you have

to respect their reasons. Whatever the reason is. Is it your grandmother finding it? Like? Can your dad just not talk to your grandmother about it? Or could you have to stop talking to your dad about it? No, my dad, he's pretty open to talking about it. I honestly don't really talk to my grandma much to begin with. So the last time I brought it up, I told my dad what I had found out and stuff, and it was things that he didn't know, like what what did

you find out? It's kind of something I probably shouldn't get into. I don't know. I I don't really know like the details of it, so I don't want to say anything or come to any conclusions before I know that the actual details of it. But I had told him that information, and she confronted my grandma about that information, and she got upset and stopped talking to him for

a little while. And so it's like having that he's kind of the middleman in the situation, and I'm like, oh, I don't want your relationship with her to get roomed because of me. I think when you have a notion or an instinct that's strong, a like your curiosity in this, you should just follow that. Like when you're interested in something and you have a passion for it, there's no question. Then who gives a funk with your grandmother thinks you

don't even care? Really, so just don't loop her in, and you know you don't even need you know, loop your dad. And when you find something concrete, if you find something concrete, but um, yeah, I pursue it, you know, you who knows what you're going to find out? Yeah, I'm not okay, thank you. It's it's kind of one of those things I know the answer to the question. I just need someone to tell me to go do it. Yeah.

And Crime Junkie just in an episode about a missing person and they were working with someone who has sort of been looking for her missing mother and they did a whole episode on it asked for leads from their huge number of followers, So that might be an avenue as well, like going to somebody who already has a following and saying, hey, here's the information I do have, can you help me dig into this? Yeah, but yeah,

it's your right. He's you know, he's related to you as well, even if you didn't know him because you were too you know, you're allowed to have that curiosity and thinking how nice he'd feel if he knew that his little niece he was two years old when he died, it is still you know, thinking about him all the time, like he deserves to be found. Yeah, yeah, no, definitely, And I'll totally look into reaching out to other resources

and that kind of thing too. Yeah. Absolutely, And I would also say potentially try doing a twenty three in me. There are some resources that you can look at for submitting your d n A if you do something like that to database says that are specifically for missing persons, And I believe it's called the d n A Dough Project,

So take a look at that. You can submit your DNA there and that way, if he is a dough somewhere and he was found, but no one knows where he came from because he was in a different state and all these different things. They can help identify him with that. Okay, yeah, I'll definitely look into that. I feel like we're hosting a crime podcast right now. Wow, look at all the resources. Catherine always coming in hot with some good stuff. I love murder podcasts. I'm a

dickheard murder, you know? So all right, Well, good luck, let us know if anything transpires, if you find anything out. Okay, yeah, yeah, thank you so much. Just great talking to you guys. You too. This was what penalope panoply. I was gonna say, a penalope, what a panoply of callers and questions today? Little murder. Well, I guess I should stop saying he's murder. They don't know that we're locked up. Oh yeah, yeah that's a good one. Mom knows, but the rest of

you know what I mean? Uh huh yeah, exactly like what mother wouldn't be interested in finding out about that, what happened to her child? So there you go. Yeah, witness protection. It could go a lot of ways. Right, Well, we'll take a quick ad break and then we'll be back with Uzo and Chelsea and we're back. Yeah. Well, did you have any advice that you wanted to ask for from Chelsea? Yes? Is it just one question? I

can ask whatever you want girl. Okay, okay, talking about marriage right when it comes to Spotify, So we both had our individual was follow me here expressing like it's so small, but you both have your individual Spotify accounts? Do we cancel one and now start a whole? I don't know what you guys about, like how many likes or playlists you have going? I have a lot. Do we cancel one account and then start all over or

just keep the two accounts going. I feel like you should keep the two accounts going because that's a long history of both of you, right, and you can start one together, but don't erase the other two. Mmmm well there's a word. Yeah right, this is a real question. Waffling with this for a while. I also like this Spotify iTunes. All of this can all fall under the umbrella of like iTunes, like movie accounts to like you know, all of this is lives in the same house. Yeah, well,

throw me a couple of playlists. If you've got some extras, I could always use a new playlist on Spotify, So what don't you text me that so I can download it? Because I am terrible at making Spotify playlists, and so anytime anybody has a good one, am I please? Yeah? Be good show like I love anything, So yeah, send him my way an array of yes. Okay, that is a real question that I've been like hammering back and

forth about. I had to tell you it was Oh, I wish we got more questions like that, Like it's a real one though, right, don't you do? You see what I'm saying, We'll pay for the exact same thing. But at the same time, it's like, I don't know realistically, if I had the energy to like text and send myself every single playlist, you don't, I'm gonna answer for you. You don't, I don't, And I'm also not sure once I've text and sent it to myself, once I deactivate

the account, if I can retrieve it. So then what we're really talking about is screenshotting every account and then physically going back. Do you know what I mean? Because I can send it to myself when it works, but then once I deactivate an account, as the playlist still exist. No, yeah, I think you need to hold onto your playlist, and I think so does he. There's a real question, what else am I thinking about? Oh, okay, do we want a second dog? Yes, I've never had we have one

e an air deal Terrier. Then Waye bark is his name? Goes off? And do we want a second dog? And is it hard to manage? To you? I know you love dogs, but yeah, and I've listen, I'm not managing them. Okay, my housekeeper and my dog walker are, so I'll be honest about that. But listen to dogs is always better than one dog. So like, as soon as you get another dog, you're gonna be like, how did we not always have two dogs? It's not more. You don't think

it makes your family even like more whole. It's just the best. You know, four is better than three at a house. And so you have babies or whatever you're planning. Just dogs are just winners. It's always a win. I love Fenway so much already, Like, but I was like, never, this is my first dog. I've never had a dog before, so and I love him so much and he's such

a good dog. But like, I don't know anything about dogs, you know, except for what I know Fenway, and I'm like, I don't know what this means two dogs, And I also don't know because he's five and a half. Doesn't matter if you bring you know what I mean, Like, is he going to be dominant to you know what I'm saying. They usually figure it out, you know what I mean, Once they realize they're in the same house together, they set it out and they just kind of like

operate together. So it doesn't really matter what age the other dog is. You just kind of like throw him in together and you're like, here's the situation. Everybody level up, and then they do. I do. And I think at five and a half, he's not gonna be like too old and grumpy that he'll be mean about a puppy. He'll be He'll be Okay, it's good. It's actually a great time because it's going to re energize your the dog you have and give him an extra lease on

life and not an extra couple of years. Yeah. And also dogs are pack animals, so I feel like as people are going back to work more or traveling more as the pandemic is hopefully waning, they'll have each other to hang out with and have a lot less what do they call it when like separation anxiety? Like if you guys need to travel a lot or you go away for a week or whatever, they'll have each other. Thanks you, Yeah, thanks for bringing some real questions to

the tables. Yeah, I love it, loved having you today. Thank you so much. Thank you for having me. This is app have a great day, Thank you too. Bye. Well she was so great. Yeah, she's cool. She's got she's got a very calming voice and talking, you know, it's like very calming. Oh, guys, we have new merch available, Dear Chelsea merch, so you can get Dear Chelsea t shirts or hats hats. They're really cute though. We picked up cute colors and yeah, and what about the flip flops?

No flip flop flip flops? Okay, well that's for the best day. I mean, you know that's off brand, but I thought it would be funny anyway, only to sell female flip flops. Well, and gay men can wear them. Yeah, it's just anyone who gets a pedicure on a regular basis, Yes, exactly. But yeah, we have merch. Now, how cute is that? So go to Chelsea handler dot com to buy your merch. Yes, okay,

we've added some second shows in areas. I'm filming my next stand up special at the Rymann in Nashville, so tickets aren't now on sale for that, and we've added second shows in d C. And at the Wiltern in Los Angeles, and oh, San Francisco. Yeah, a second show in San Francisco at the Masonic, and that weekend I perform at the Masonic two shows, and then Joe Koy performs the next night and the next night and at some arena in San Francisco. So we're gonna be both

performing in the same city the same weekend. So how fun, Oh my goodness, just a couple descending on a city and just doing wonderful things descending on our hot air balloon. That's how we like to enter cities. Oh okay. So, if you're looking to write into this podcast, I get so many d ms on Instagram not knowing how to It's a Dear Chelsea project at gmail dot com, Gmail dot com, so you can write in for any questions

you have that you want advice on UM. If you're seeking advice about relationships, about work, stuff about sex, stuff about animal stuff, but not with sex, like that's a separate topic. And then anything that's going on interpersonal affairs. We like affairs we like, well, we don't like, but we like giving advice about them. If you're just in a situation where you're feeling kind of unmotivated and you

need to kick in the ass, you know whatever. But don't be shy, because we love our callers, and this has been going just so swimmingly, Catherine. There's so many interesting people that call in and with really interesting problems, and then they double back with us and give us updates, which is so nice. It's so nice to see progress. And people always think like, oh, I never thought you were going to get to my question. It's like, no, we we're going. We're going through them all, so we

just might pick yours. Okay, bye bye,