Hi guys, and welcome back to another little trip down memory Lane with Life on Cart. I'm Laura, and if you've been following along this week, then you would know that Britt is not here with me today, and that is because we are still on holidays. But before we get into today's little walk down memory lane, I just want to wish you guys the biggest happy freaking New Year's Eve that I can possibly muster whilst I sit
here alone in my bedroom recording this. But I hope the twenty twenty one brings you, guys everything that you have wanted. I hope that you guys have your goals in place. And for everybody who felt like twenty twenty was a little bit stagnant, they weren't able to really kick start or progress or we'll move in the direction that they wanted for themselves, I hope that this new year brings you all of that and so much more.
And we really can't wait to come back in the new year and bring you this podcast and hopefully bring you guys some roles as well, because that's what life's all about. But anyway, for today's episode, we thought what better way to bring in a brand new year twenty twenty one than with some fireworks, And by fireworks, I kind of mean gas lighting. Similar a very tenuous stretch of a link here, but I'm gonna go with it.
So today's episode is gas Lit City Baby. It is from April this year, and I personally really love this episode. I know Britt loves this episode two and it's because gas lighting is something that is and it's so common in relationships, not just in romantic relationships, but in all relationships.
It can be really malicious technique that's used in toxic relationships, but it can also just be something that we do unintentionally as a result of either feeling guilty for our behavior or also because we don't have the best communication skills. So it's something that like, I think a lot of people will listen to this episode and go ah, I do that from time to time, and I'm not a total asshole.
But being aware of.
Your behavior also helps you to recognize it, identify it, and do better in your own relationships.
So I loved this episode. We did it.
It's also just such a good walk down memory lane because we talk about too Hot to Handle, which was truly one of the highlights this year, and also some great accidentally unfiltereds in there for you as well. So, guys, that's enough for me for today. I hope that you have already popped yourself a glass of champagne. Sit back, enjoy. This is episode twenty nine and it's gas lit city.
Baby. Are we live? You're live? Okay? I still really need to fart.
I need to go to the bathroom.
Oh do you alright? We'll just start. I think it's in your head. No, that was in my butt.
Hi guys, and welcome back to another episode of Life Uncut.
I'm Laura and I'm Brittany.
And this should be our Tuesday episode, except very confusing. We know it is Thursday, and we're very very sorry that we couldn't bring you our episode this week.
We did, I say we we as a collective podcast. We did have a crazy week and we couldn't get it to you. But there is very very good reason. Laura, I was like, what's your bloody excuse? No, I was just supporting you. Thank you, and I I feel hell, I feel supported. I feel seen sorry guys that we couldn't get you it. We had a really hard week
with Mally. She she came down with some sort of viral bug, and which is crazy because we have not left house, We have not done anything at all for almost five weeks now, so somehow somewhere in our house she's managed to pick up some sort of virus. And we spent a couple of nights back and forth from hospital with her, and yeah, it was a bit stressful. So that took Numero uno priority this week. Absolutely, Like and the crazy thing that I thought was Laura is
messaging me and she's like, we're in hospital again. Throughout the night, She's like, we can still try and record tomorrow, Like you were still trying. You were like, I feel bad and I want to get the episode out. And I had to sort of pull the rug from under you a little bit and say, absolutely not. I don't want to weave a team down. You didn't, but I love your dedication, but there's a time for it, and
this was this is more important. And sometimes there are a few things in life that are going to trumpet, but family is one of them. Guys.
Sometime life just gets ya. And you know what, having a sit kid is worse than having a man with men flu. So if you don't have a kid, and so you're not. We can't quite figure out what that's like. Think of when your boyfriend or your ex boyfriend or your dad has been sick. It's about ten times worse than that. But she's completely on the men. Now hopefully she's out of the woods.
Are we out of the woods? Are we out of the woods? But that is our reason, guys, And thank you. You're always so understanding. Always, I say always. We've only ever done this once, but you guys were really understanding that time, and we're very, very grateful with how understanding you were this week as well.
So this is going to be a bit of a longer episode because we are also going to merge in and ask uncut. We hadn't talked about that, but we're bringing that on you now. Brittany, I just looked like, well my what, there's news to me, news to you, news to everyone. We're going to merge in and ask uncut at the end, So guys just strap yourselves in, put in some undies. It's gonna be a good episode.
Well, something great did happen to me this week? I'll go on then tell me all about it. It was just that you watched too hot to Handle and that's great for me because now we can talk about it.
So last episode recommended too All that we should watch Too Hot to Handle, And look, guys, I'm I'm a sick o for reality TV.
You know that.
I just didn't want to get on board because I knew that it would be many hours of my life that i'd never get back. And I managed to watch the entire series in two days, and.
It's so good. It's so good.
It's freaking disgusting, and I hate it with every single fiber in my body.
And I love it as well. You felt like you were losing some brain cells and you felt like I shouldn't be watching this. There has to be something more productive I can do with my life. But you couldn't look away like you just you were so invested in seeing what happened and seeing who got with who. And I don't even know if it was that, but it was just I was in hysterics, constantly laughing at them with them at the host Lana, Oh my god, Lana,
Oh I need Lana. Can Lana start a podcast? I'm here for it and I'm gonna blow your mind right now ready. One of our listeners wrote in today to me personally, She's like, I just feel like you need this information. Do you know where they got the name Lana from? Where? You can't laugh at your own joke before you've even but Lana Lana? What is Lana backwards? Anal? That's pretty surely that is not the motivator.
Hey, guys have some deep connection really form that laving bond, but that's not it.
It's a show, is a piss take. Blana laughs at them, not with them the whole time. She's always making fun of them. Like, I one hundred percent think that it is anal backwards. That's why they've done it. It was forethought for sure, I remeditated. I am on board. I have watched the whole thing.
I am a convert born again, too hot to handle, stick a fantic.
I love it.
I'm sure that some people are going to think less of us for this, but you know what, that's I have no other recommendations for this week. My recommendation is your recommendation from last week. So what did you think of the show now you've watched it. There's so many aspects of it that I liked. I liked that there wasn't this forced dating that happened from it, so like unlike I don't know, we talked about this a little bit just between us, but sort of for the listeners.
I like that in sort of like.
Comparison to say, like The Bachelor or Married at First Sight, there's these forced connections that have to happen, Like you are encouraged to get into a relationship, and you only win by being in a relationship. I really really like this whole idea. It's too hot to handle that you
can still win. You can still be a full participant in the experiment, and you can still grow within the experiment without being in a relationship, and that is a really interesting take on a dating show that's not happened before. I also liked that there was no specific villain, so I think sometimes in The Bachelor, and this is one thing that always comes up each season and is a real point of contention. But in this there doesn't need to be in There doesn't need to be a villain, like,
there's no manufactured villain. It just follows the storyline of these people. It follows the storyline of their conversations, of their interactions, and it doesn't feel as though a plot has already been manufactured, whereas I do think that sometimes with The Bachelor, they already know what role they want eat.
Character to play.
And I didn't get that vibe from Too Hot to Handle, and I loved how fresh that felt for a reality TV show.
I agree, but I think when you agree with it but known as a bottle, we'll shut up. I do think that Francesca was supposed to be their version of the villain. She wasn't a villain, and she wasn't the bully or anything, but if you had to pick someone, she was the one that was sort of a bit controversial, breaking the rules, doing the wrong thing, not caring about what anyone said. She was all about her, So I think she was supposed to be that person of the series.
I still think that she was lovable in her own way, Like she definitely did some things that were villainous, but she made those decisions and she was very vocal about that. But I don't think that the edit really it didn't seem like they were chopping changing. They didn't sound like they were doing sound biting at all, where they were taking bits and pieces of a conversation to create or
manufacture storyline. It really felt like it was naturally following what these people were experiencing, what was happening.
I just I really surprisingly enjoyed it. I did it.
Hated a good solid five hours per night to watching the whole thing, and I got it done in two days. So guys, if you haven't seen it yet, we don't really want to give away full spoilers. But this does lead us into our conversation for today's episode, which is going to be on gas lighting. Britt very much pointed out that she felt that Harry had gas lighted Francesca at one point, and we'll get into how we kind of saw that play out.
Do you say gas lid or gas lighted? Oh? Then they gave me on the grammar. Now, no, that's a general I don't know because I don't know because usually you'd say, are you the gas lighter or the gas light tee? Yeah, I actually don't know that one. Let's just say differently, gas lid city. Do you want me to stop? Anyway, there was a segment where one of the guys and I was ega Harry, who you love
at the end, And this is a thing. They all have great progression in their storylines and they come full circle, and there's moments where you hate them and you can't believe that they're doing this or saying this, and then they come full circle and you love them. But there was a moment at the beginning where I believe completely and I think I mean, I've seen a lot of articles on it too. The world thinks that he completely
gas lit, gaslighted Francesca. He did the wrong thing, through her under the bus, embarrassed her in front of his friends, and then somehow made her come to him, apologizing and basically begging for him back, and he was saying, I don't think I can forgive you for this. And I was sitting there with my sister and I was like, how is this happening? How is this woman, who you can tell she's smart. How is this beautiful, intelligent woman begging for him back and apologizing after what he just
did to her? And that's what got me thinking, how this must happen all the time I've been in this situation personally, I know you have. I think a lot of women have, and it's not overly spoken about. But before we get into the real meaty part of the episode, Britt, how was your week being I actually have a funny story to tell you. It wasn't me, but you just reminded me of it. So my sister Sherry's boyfriend Jay he's from Scotland, so any story is funny just because
he says in a Scottish accent. He was just super casually telling us about something that happened to him. Him the other day he went to get a haircut at the barber, essential service, essential service, just a little trim and he had a runny nose. Now when he went into the barber and sat down, the barber put his cape around his neck, brushed his hair back, and with a bare hand went oh, I'll get that and wiped his nose, wiped the snot from his nose. No. No, And I said to jay what do you mean he
wiped your nose. No. He's like, he just wiped my not. He just went up look at that. I'll get that with his bare hand. And I said to Jaye, what did you do? He's like, oh, I didn't know what to do. I just sat there did not And I was like, you're right, everything's funny with his scott His accent, But how I think that's gobsmacking, Like if somebody came up to me with their bare hand, I didn't know a stranger and wiped stop from my nose. I would be offended.
That man is definitely a dad, and he has been and in so much time at home in isolation with his kids that it just it was like that muscle memory just he just accident and then he probably was doing it and halfway through he was like, what.
The fuck am I doing?
But you just have to commit committed, you just have to continue. And Jay was like, it was this awkward moment. Then he had to sit through the whole haircut and he's like, I was really scared. I was really scared that my nose was gonna run again because I didn't know what was gonna happen.
I love the way I asked you, what's been happening in your week? That's the story that you share. I just picture it and if you think of that in a Scottish accent, it just made my week because I just didn't know there are people out there that were that dedicated in their job. So I take my hat up to that barber. He's a full service kind of guy. He's a mad Please what about you? I guess you didn't really have time in between hospital visits to do anything this week.
No one wants to listen to me say this, but I have no recommendations because I've literally not done anything except care for a sick kid. But you know what, I do have recommendation actually, and this is for mums who are ever in a situation where they're not sure
whether or not to take their kids hospital. The last couple of nights and we had to go in a few times in Marley, Matt and I had that moment where you're you're there with your sick kid and and you're like, I don't know what to do, Like we don't is she is she really sick?
Is she not that sick?
Like her temperature is really high? Do we take her to hospital? Don't we take it to hospital? I think if you, as a parent, ever in a situation where you're standing there with your child contemplating whether or not to take them to hospital, just take them to hospital. I felt a bit guilty because I was like, I don't know if this is an emergency or not, but I feel better being here. And the doctors were so amazing at the Children's Hospital in Randwick.
They were like, if there is ever a situation.
Where you don't know whether or not you should take your child to hospital, then just take them and that reassurance.
I'm like, that's what mums need here. They don't, don't.
That's not the time for like trying to problem solve. We're trying to figure out whether it's the right or wrong thing to do. Just don't take chances, take your kid.
I mean, as a hospital worker, I have seen that happen so many times and I can't agree more. If you would debate anything about whether you're unwell enough or if you should go and see a doctor, absolutely go and see the doctor. That's what they're there for. They're there to care for you, and if you don't need to be there, they will let you know. But just imagine if you questioned it and stayed home and something happened, God forbid, you'd never forgive yourself. But that's what ever
forgive yourself. That's what hospital workers are there for. There's my recommendation.
Don't take your kids hosp unless you need to, But if you're not sure, take them there you go. I'm sure there's some better things you can watch on Netflix.
All right, I'm going to jump into an accidentally unfiltered that somebody wrote in I love it.
It's short and sharp and spicy. Guys, I love this section of the podcast. So for those of you who are knew, this is where you, guys share your most embarrassing stories with us and we share them with the rest of you.
But you know what, most of you probably already know that, So hit it off, britt. But also, if you are new, where you been, where you've been, Okay, pull yourself a glass of wine. Get on board. So this girl had a one night stand. Basically she meets this guy, super smoking hot. She's like, stuff it, I'm just gonna I'm just gonna go. I need it. I'm gonna go all out take him home. She takes him home. They have a great night, like amazing sex all night. In the
morning it's time for him to go. He says, well, you know, can I grab your number? Because they hadn't even swapped numbers yet, can I grab your number? And she's like absolutely, bit cute, bit nervy, puts a number in his phone and off he goes. Later that day, she gets a call from her dad, Honey, why am I getting messages from some guy about how great the sex was last night. What out of habit? She just typed in her dad's phone number. How do you do that, dude?
I know my parents' phone number off off by heart. I can type it anywhere, so I don't know. He's like, babe, watch your number. She types it in, coach, She's a bit nervy. She obviously calls her dad a lot and types it in, types it in. He went home and said texting about how great the sex. Wel God only knows what else he said. And the dad's getting it, which is something my dad would do. My dad'd be like, you got.
Some Oh wow, wow, I know that's a lot.
I imagine.
I don't know how I would feel if that happened to me and I was a dad and that was my daughter.
My family. There's six of us and we are two girls, two boys, mom and dad. The six of us are so tight. There's literally nothing that you can't say or tell each other that you should see our dinner table conversation. It's ludicrous.
I'm just imagining some guy that you had sex with the night before messaging your dad being like you were so tight, that was the best sex I've ever had, and your dad being like, oh, thanks for that, Philip, have a great night.
Happy. Actual, my dad will come out some morning. He'll be like, I'm picturing him. This is how I picture it. He doesn't have a walking stick, but I would picture him like walking out nob. I'd picture him walking out whistling, like putting his cane around in a circle, you know that sort of a thing. He'd just come out really happy, and I'd be like, Dad, you got lucky last night? Did Yeah? And he just you know it. Oh, it's
too much. It doesn't know. It doesn't bother me if I'm happy to know my parents are happy.
I once walked in on my mom having sex and oh yeah that trust me.
I didn't want to know that she was happy. It was I'm scarred. I still hate that memory. Okay, when I say my grandmum, if you listen to this, I sometimes, yeah, it's awful. When I say my family's open, we are not that open. That's something I have never seen and I will never unseen.
Look, all great relationships have boundaries, and I think that's really important. I also have an accidentally unfiltered for us hit me. It is much more g rated, but I really enjoyed this one because after a week of some pretty intensive parenting, this one gave me a good chuckle. It's kind of long. My daughter is dramatic. She is the sort of person who would step on a piece of dirt on the floor and fall down, screaming me
hurt foot. Or she'd hit her head on a pillow and make a huge deal out of it.
She is too. I am her mum, so she believes everything that I say. I use this to my advantage, and I told her that kisses fix everything. Stub your toe, get a kiss, Smack yourself in the face with the room, get a kiss. Cut your finger with a fake knife, you also get a kiss. It was going great. She caught on quick and instead of screaming, always asked for a kiss because I hurt. How could this possibly go wrong? Well?
I did not foresee the world falling apart and me needing to work from home with my six month old and my two year old for the last five weeks. My daughter was eating her breakfast while I was on a video call. She bit her tongue and she started crying. She then then she stopped and I saw the look on her face. So here, I sit on a very very important video conference call with my work and my two year old comes running in screaming, mummy, kiss tongue.
I am trying to shift my six month old so I can turn the audio and video off, and I managed to mute it after she screams, of course, but didn't get the video shut off in time before my two year old daughter sticks her tongue out and shoves it in at me for a kiss as I'm opening my mouth to tell her no, and that's how her tongue went straight down My mouth falls on a cowork zoom call.
I think that's so cute. Due not really what you want to do make out with your two year old and a zoo care. I meant I wouldn't want to make out with a not on a sad call.
True.
True, that one took me a while to get there. I mean, I'm gonna that that was a long one. It was a long one. It was a lot of it as cute. That was cute. I think we can tell the difference between Laura and I. Laura is the mom and I am there and everybody who's not a mom just listened to me. Waffle that one on and was like, shut up, that's disgusting. Keep your snorty two year old, bleeding tongue child away from me. And I'm like, guess that's how sickness is spreaded. Give her tongue a kiss.
I think that's I think that is like a full play thing. In Japan, they like stuck each other's tongues and lick each other's eyeballs. That's just cold kissing. No, like, have you heard the eyeball looking No? Yeah, big Big four play in Japan. That is so weird.
So my I'm not going to sort of fetish shame, but that is that is up there with the weird stuck.
But this is actually really funny. We went around Australia, like my parents took us around Australia in a full drive when we were all little kids, and I'm talking. We just camped our way through the deserts and had fires for dinner and ate fire for dinner. There's tough times in the desert. We sat around a fire I can't find we would make damper and it was such an amazing Australian experience. But it can get pretty windy out there in the desert. And we were constantly getting
sand in our eye. The best way when it's drought, there's not a lot of water and you're a small child with sand in You're right, Dad would lick the sand out of our eye because you put the tongue in the eye. If you're still with me, stay so weird, But it makes sense if you're out there, because when you think about it, it's a really weird thing. But if you actually deep dive, it makes sense. He would just like he could open our eye up and you'd
be able to see the grain of sand. He'd just with his tongue like a lizard and it would get this and it would get the stand out because we were out in the middle of nowhere with limited water.
We just went from talking about licking people's eyes as a fetish to you telling me about some camp childhood.
Yeah, I just licking. But you know what I just thought I would share. That's nice. Sega hout of who I am thinks that there's been a lot of trauma here, all right, that's we just we went so rogue. Let's jump into the content and gas lighting, shall we. Oh, look, if we have to, I'm here for a girl it's seen a while. I haven't seen you in such a long time, I know. And when we haven't seen each other, we start to just talk. I don't want to say fool shit, but we just we do. Don't worry it's
too much. I feel like sometimes Laura and I get together if we haven't seen each other for a while and we just word vomit for like two hours.
Well, it's also like this is when we catch up. And then most girlfriends just catch up, have a glass of wine and we do it and then we record it for we nationally record it for the rest of Australia to listen to.
But that actually, like that was your advice for mother's out there. This is my advice for mothers. If your child does have something in their eye, you can use your tongue. That's what. That's why I'll say. I'm not making a joke either. I've been a HUNDI serious. So let's get onto the topic. So, guys, we are going
to be talking about gas lighting. Okay, So before we get into the topic for today, which kind of also led us into the topic, one brit had brought up gas lighting because of watching Too Hot to Handle on how it seemed to be this current theme that run through the series a little bit. But this is what happened to me this week. And you know what, some of you won't care, but I care, I really care, So I'm going to share it with you.
Britt and I went for a walk whilst we were trying to think about what we were going to do for this episode, and we were, you know, throwing around ideas, and we were going for a walk down Bondaie And as we were walking along with the promenade, I look up and for anybody who has been listening to this podcast a while, you would know that I often talk about an ex who was the most toxic ex that I've ever dated, like the one who gas lit me, the one who is it gas lit to start gaslighting,
the one who gasled me, the one who cheated on me, the one who made me feel so insanely crazy when I was in that relationship, so insane. And I look up and he's standing two meters away from my face, staring straight at me. It was a really, really awful situation where I was like, how is it possible that
we have been in lockdown for five weeks? I've not even seen my dearest, closest friends and family, and I managed to run into the one person in the world who I'd rather punch myself in the face seven thousand times before seeing. And then to make it worse, I was like, Oh my god, Brit, that's that guy. That's that guy I always talk about on the podcast. And Britt goes, oh that guy right there, and then starts.
Doing parkor.
Like instead of being the good friend who is subtle and like slyly looks to the side and says, oh that guy. Okay, let's keep walking. Let's walk in this direction, and this supports me through the trauma that I'm experiencing. She starts pretending to do park hall and like, which is cool.
I don't know what it's called.
She starts pretending to like jump off things and do some assaults and shit down the promenade to get his attention because my co host is a Childhi.
God, I was. I was already mid parkour. I was just pretending to do parkour. I was being silly parkles where you like jump and do flips off objects. I'd had a lot of energy anyway. I was doing his parkour, and then you I looked at you, and I was like, you've seen a ghost what I've just missed something in the last twenty second. I was like, I want to unsubscribe from life right now. Someone please eject me. And
she's like that's the guy. That's the guy. That's the guy, and I you know, you try to be subtle, but I was like, well wait, wait back because I didn't want to miss him.
Not only did she not try to be subtle, she did a full three sixty degree turn to see him, like to look at.
Him, and I am I am not over this. It didn't make sense to me. I saw him and I was like that one and You're like yes, and I was like, real, it was the last person I picked it for you. I will say that.
Yeah, So you must be good. You must be good guys. So basically where this long story is going. Britta and I have in the past talked a lot about relationships that we've been in where we have experienced gas lighting or you know, emotional manipulation, cheating, and I think that these things can all kind of tie into each other. So that was why we wanted to talk. We were like, ah, here it is the topic for today's episode, given to us on a silver platter in the form of my
ex boyfriend. That is one of the reasons why we're talking about gas lighting today, but also because it is something that happens in a lot of relationships, some relationships that are healthy and some relationships that you know clearly you need to get the hell out of. But it is a very very common behavior that we have a
name for, and that is what we're talking about. In case you don't know what gas lighting is, it is just like a tactic or a behavior in where a person or it could even be your partner, your boss, but basically, in order to gain more power, they make their victim i EU question your reality, so they make you feel like you're crazy. You question yourself and your motives, You question the situation, you question the event that happened.
The way it unfolded. It's a manipulation and it eventually will weigh you down. So it's definitely a tactic that people use both consciously and subconsciously to gain control.
And it's like it's a form of emotional abuse. It really is, and it can be something that is very very malicious and very intent driven. For example, I think a good example of This is like, maybe you've been in a relationship with someone where you know black and white that they have cheated on you. You have evidence, and you confront them and they deny it, deny, deny, deny. That is gas lighting. And that's a very very intent
driven example of gas lighting. Another one which is probably not so malicious, which you know it's not because the person is necessarily a bad person, but maybe it's because their communication skills aren't very good. Could be for exams. Just say you are in a relationship, you feel like your partner is not pulling the weight of the housework. And you say to them like, I'm feeling really upset. I don't feel like you pull the weight of the housework.
This you know, you've done this, this, and this which have upset me. And they say, well, you're wrong, because I do. And the conversation just ends there. And so instead of them validating how you feel or validating the situation, they are shutting down what your reality is. And they're telling you and denying you what is facts to you and the way you feel, and that lack of validation and that lack of acknowledging your reality is basically that's it.
Like that's the definition of what gas lighting is.
The reason I feel that this was really important to talk about is that I did go through it myself in my toxic relationship that I've spoken about here before on episode three.
This is like, we recommend this episode all the time. I'm just gonna jump in a brit because it's a freaking doozy. But it was in a really, really toxic relationship where she legitimately dated a psychopath. And we don't throw those terms around, like we really really think that you can't just cause someone a psycho.
Just for the sake of it.
But his behavior, which if you listen to episode three, would very much indicate that that's the personality type that he is. So yeah, So if you haven't listened to episode, go back and listen to it. So I was in this relationship for a few years with this guy that was living a double life, and it was only now I didn't know what that abuse was at the time. I didn't recognize it because nobody spoke about it.
When I finally fast forward a few years and it's only recently that I have heard about gaslighting, and we'll talk about it about its origin soon. But it's only once people started to talk about it more. I put the name to my situation and I thought, oh my god, this is what he did. Every time I read something about it or I heard about it, I was like, that's me, that's me, this is what he did to me.
And it's so important to talk about. Because it wasn't spoken about a I couldn't recognize it, I couldn't highlight it, meaning I couldn't do anything about it because I didn't know it was happening and I was stuck in this relationship. So to give you an example, Laura, I don't even know if I've spoken to you, but I just think it's so important. There was this There were situations that he would do to me, like, for example, it would
it would be about anything. He would just cancel something because his other partner had turned up, but he would make me say. He would say things like you didn't book the accommodation. We've had to cancel it, things like that, like he'd blame me. But there was one time that has it's really really stuck with me all these years, and basically I stumbled across his phone one day. He
was showing me something in his phone. He was very protective of it, and I was swiping through what he was showing me, and I saw a photo of me naked and a video and I had never seen this before. I didn't know what it was. And I sort of was like, well, what is that? And he snashed the phone away and he was like what what? Nothing like? And I was like, no, I know what I saw. And this was a few years deep, so I was
a bit more. I was very submissive, and I'm embarrassed to say that now because of the person I am now, but I said, no, I know what I just saw. What the hell was that? Basically he had filmed us and taken a photo in the bedroom. I had never seen it, knew nothing about it, and he then proceeded to convince me that I was all for it. I knew about it. He was like, baby, you remember we spoke about that, We said we're going to do it.
You'd had a few drinks, and by the end of that conversation I was like, oh, yeah, I guess I probably did and I just forgot about it when there is no way that I did. And he was just so good at the manipulation. And I walked away from that being like, oh yeah, I totally did that, Like we definitely had that conversation, which we did not, And that is just a prime, prime example of gas lighting.
That is one of the worst versions. There are so many variants of this, and that's something that we're going to talk about. And like with everything that we do discuss on this podcast, that there is a spectrum which we recognize that sort of behavior is at the very end of what is completely unacceptable. That guy is an absolute fluck boy and you need to get them out
of your life end of the spects. And then there's also the end of the spectrum where, like we said, something that might happen in your relationship and you need to sort of better your communication skills and outline to your partner that they're doing it. But the first thing, exactly as you just said, Britt, is recognizing one what it is, to what that behavior is, and really understanding that your reality doesn't need to be validated by anybody else.
So if you feel something, you know that it's happened, you know that you feel a certain way about it, don't allow somebody to try and convince you to get you angry, to get you flustered to try and convince you that that there's anything else in that. You know, like someone should validate the way that you feel, especially if they love you and respect you. And I think that that's like my biggest point I want to drive home before we even really get into the topic, is like,
you don't need somebody else to validate your reality. If that's how you feel, then it is real to you and it deserves validation. And if your partner loves you and respects you, they will validate it, even if they don't agree with you necessarily.
Anyway, Yeah, into.
And now I will breathe into like where this whole the name of it started, because like, so, gaslighting is a concept has been around for so long since this. I mean, I'm sure the behavior's been around for forever, but the concept and the name of it was coined in the nineteen thirties. There was a play that was written in nineteen thirty eight. It's a mystery thriller written by British playwright Patrick Hamilton and at this called gas Light.
It was made into a movie in nineteen forty four, and the whole premise of this play slash movie is that the husband so the husband and wife, and the husband is manipulating the wife into feeling like she's crazy, and so he would set things up and do things to really make her question her reality, to the point where he had set up the gas lights in the attic to make them flicker, and she had said to him this one day, Oh, we really need to fix
the gas lights in the attic because they keep flickering, and he's like, what are you talking about. You're crazy, but there's nothing wrong with gaslights, they're not on. And so he did this with such consistency and with such malicious intent that by the time that got to the end of the movie, she actually thought she was insane.
And I think that, like, that's obviously a really extreme version of it, but this sort of behavior consistently over a period of time leaves you feeling so incredibly fucking
insane in your relationship. I think it's important to, like one, recognize that if you're in a relationship where you feel crazy and you feel very different to how you have in your other relationships, where you feel super insecure, you feel overly sensitive, your partner's telling you that you're behaving crazy, then there is a really good chance that you're actually being gas lighted in that you want to.
Know something really interesting, tell me. So it's funny because the term obviously originated in the thirties after that movie, but it didn't become popular until Donald Trump was elected, and it has been used so much since his inauguration that in twenty eighteen, the Oxford Dictionary named it the most popular term.
I kind of believe that because Donald Trump just gas lights everyone. I think I read the same thing that you're quoting now. But it's been used in relation to a lot of politicians. So it's not just a term that has to be relative to relationships. It's a term that can be used in the workplace. Like Britt said, it's a term that can be used it's when anybody tries to sort of fundamentally shift what your reality is based on lies. So it can be used from politicians.
I'm sure that they're using it all the time.
Oh my god. Absolutely. Okay, So I've shared my example obviously, my example of me being gas lit gaslighted? What gas lits? You've spoken about your toxic X. Do you have an example of something that happened in that relationship, So maybe people can try to relate to. It could be a little thing, it could be something huge. Let me get the list out. Yes.
So one of the big things that happened really early on in our relationship was we were out this one night at a nightclub and like.
We've been drinking.
We've been going through a bit of a bad patch as well, which I don't understand why we were going through a bad patch, like nothing had happened, but he was behaving really really distant to me, and I didn't know what I had done wrong, and I was already feeling like, Okay, well, what have I done in this situation to put a wedge between us? And we were out and he wasn't really talking to me very much and he was quite angry with me, and then he
was on his phone. He's like texting, and he was just constantly on his phone whilst we're on a night out together. And I went up to him and I said, I feel like you're texting another girl, and if you are doing that, you need to shut that shit down right now. And he was like, you're insane, You're a psycho, Like you're a fucking psycho. In that situation where where I really really wanted to believe him. I was so in love with him, like I really really really wanted
to be wrong, and I wanted cold heart evidence. I wasn't going off my instinct, I wasn't going off my gut, like I wanted cold heart evidence if he was actually cheating on me. And so I got home and I said to him again, I was like, I feel like you've been texting a girl tonight. I don't know why, but my intuition is raging, and I really really think that you've been doing the wrong thing.
And he continued with.
The whole you're crazy narrative, and then he fell asleep, and I picked up his phone. I went through his phone, and he had only just recently moved, so like literally two weeks prior, we had moved across the road from his original apartment, and this girl was messaging him saying, I'm downstairs, let me in. So she was downstairs at
his old apartment. It was a girl he used to hook up with, and she was buzzing the buzzer of the apartment downstairs to get in for a booty call, to get in for a booty call, because he had been texting her the whole time anyway. So it was like it was insane, It was such it was so insane this situation played out. And then what's even more insane is that that was at a point in my life where I didn't have the confidence that I have now, Like my standards were already so so low, and like
I didn't have the respect for myself. I didn't think I deserved what I deserve, and I really put up with behavior that's completely beneath me, and I forgave him, and I stayed in that relationship for two years. And what I like, the point of this that I really want to drive home is that if you see this behavior early on in your relationship, these are big fucking
red flags, and it doesn't get better. And someone gas lights you early on or behaves in a way that's like rocks your foundation, you need to leave before it becomes too late and before you're too emotionally invested. But there is fundamentally something wrong with somebody who lies to your face black and blue because it suits their agenda absolutely.
And as I said, it sounds like you and I were in the same position in terms of the way we felt about ourselves, and we didn't think we deserve better, and I think there are a lot of people out there that will really relate to that. But I do really really want to drive home that I think the biggest thing is just education and people talking about it. I didn't know what it was, You didn't know what it was. We couldn't recognize the behavior. So that's why
I want to drive home. We have so many young female listeners, and I want to do everything I can to keep you guys out of this toxic situation.
And also, I guess if you find yourself in a toxic situation or you find yourself questioning, like if you're having a fight with your boyfriend and it's the same narrative that's happening over and over and over, and they're telling you that you're crazy, or they're telling you that you're making it up, talk to your friends, talk to your sister, talk to your mom, talk to the people
who are close to you, and explain the situation. Because if your friends and family can say to you you're not crazy, that behavior is really really screwed up, then that gives you ammunition to go back and say, actually, do you know what, like this, whatever you're saying is real I know it's not real, like I know the truth, but you need to realize that the only person who you can control in some situations is yourself, Especially if you're in a real toxic relationship with someone who does
have sort of narcissistic personality disorder. You're never going to be able to convince them or make them necessarily believe your version or get them to agree with you. You just have to make choices that are completely for yourself, which is probably leaving the relationship.
I looked up a psychologist that actually sort of specializes in this behavior, and she deals with a lot of people that have been through this situation. She has highlighted some things, some sentences to sort of ask yourself to see if you say yes to any of them, that maybe you need to dive a little bit deeper and see if you're in this relationship. So we're going to read a few of these out and just think to yourself, has this happened to me? Does this happen to me? Yes? I can agree, okay.
So, and like if you're in a toxic relationship, you already know that something is wrong, Like you already had that feeling where you're so unsettled, and like just the essence of your body is like something is really wrong here. And you always feel like you're fighting for the relationship where you always feel like you're a little bit crazy, but sometimes you need to have that validity really driven home that you need.
To get out. Okay, So she says to ask yourself if you say yes to any of these, ask yourself, am I too sensitive? Do you ask yourself this multiple times a day? Do you often feel confused and even crazy in the relationship? Do you find yourself constantly apologizing you can't understand why you aren't happy? Why aren't I happy in this relationship? What am I doing wrong? Do you frequently make it excuses for your partner's behavior. Do you know that something is wrong but you just can't
put your finger on it. You know in your gut, but you're just like, what is that? I don't know? That was me for sure? And Laura, you just put your hand up like you're in clave. Do you start lying to avoid people questioning his behavior or your partner's behavior? And this could be not just we are saying it as a male because majority of gas lighting situations are male dominated, but women gaslight too, but for today we are just saying we're using the pronoun and he do
you find yourself? And this is a big one, and I did this? Do you find yourself lying to your friends and family about his behavior because you know the behavior is not right, so you lie about it. I was doing that to my sister all the time in my relationship. She would call him out on it and question me, like, why you letting him do that? Why is he doing this to you? Why is he saying
this to you? And I would lie. I'd make up a whole story to make him not look like an idiot or a liar to my family, because otherwise you'd have to then justify why you were putting up with being treated so badly. But it's because you really really want the relationship, Oh absolutely. And the last few were
do you have trouble making decisions on your own? Because a really slow burn in a toxic gas lighting relationship is it's control, So you start to lose the ability to want or to be able to make decisions because usually you have to run it by your partner. So that's a question to ask yourself, Have I has it changed? And I can't make decisions? Now, and do you wonder if you were good enough? That is the big one that they say, do you ever ask yourself if you're
good enough for him? And you're questioning that, that's because they are making you feel like you're not. You just don't. That doesn't happen on its own. But then that.
Also feeds into this feeling of like why when someone treats you so badly you will still fight so hard to keep the relationship and.
It's kind of like this crazy thing.
Then when you're out of it, you're like, how did I ever put up with that behavior? How did I ever think I was never going to meet someone better than that? When you're in it and you're entrenched in something that with someone who treats you so badly, it's so all encompassing. If you're in it, like right now you I'm talking to you. If you're in it, what you need to ask yourself is what is there about this relationship that's so good that is worth putting up
with feeling this crazy all the time for? And honestly, the answer should be nothing, like there is nothing in this world or there's no person, there is no man, there is no woman, there is literally nobody that is so important that they can rock your fundamental identity of yourself, that they can make you feel crazy, that they can make you lower your standards, that nobody is worth that
at all. Ever, I think that the other thing that's really important to touch on in this is that we said it a little bit briefly at the start, but I really want to sit in it and make sure that we've covered it as well. Is that just because you're in a relationship where someone does gaslight as like their coping mechanism for an argument, doesn't mean that you're necessarily in a bad relationship. There is a very mild version of this as well, which comes from people who
are poor communicators. They don't really deal with criticism or feedback very well, and it comes from an insecurity. It comes with like lack of self confidence. So I do think that there are some people who when you point out to them, hey, you've hurt my feelings I feel like this, their initial reaction is to get defensive or to say no, I didn't, I didn't do that. You know, I'm not the person you're saying that I am. And
it's not because they're a bad person. It's not because it's a relationship that you should leave.
It's just that.
They aren't very great at communicating when they feel attacked, and that's something that you absolutely can work on. That relationship is so salvageable, and that's probably a pretty normal part of like dealing with conflict in a relationship because a lot of people don't deal with criticism very well. I mean, I know I don't deal with criticism very well, and I know that I can be defensive sometimes when
Matt tells me that I'm being a ship partner. The difference is is that, like, I want to be better, and I'm not intentionally manipulating him to get the outcome. I'm not inten intentionally trying to lie. Where this behavior becomes so toxic and so destructive is when someone knows they've done the wrong thing and they're intent on lying about it and they're intent on like pulling the wool over your eyes.
I want to jump in on what you just said and really reiterate that gas lighting is not the same as sensitivity. So what you just said, some people can be really sensitive in a relationship and that's just who they are as a person, and they might take things a bit harsher might be constructive criticism, but they get defensive.
It's really important to differentiate if you are just being overly sensitive and the person is trying to give you constructive criticism or if they're actually trying to alter your perception, because there's a big difference with sensitivity and gas lighting.
If you're in a relationship with someone who says things to you like you're so sensitive, or you're being paranoid, or you're acting crazy, or like you're making that up or oh, I was just joking, babe, Like all of these things are a way of kind of downplay and
not validate the way that you're feeling. And I think that that is like a very clear indication that when you are bringing an argument, not not even an argument, when you're bringing conflict to the table, or when you're trying to express that there's something wrong or something that's upsetting you, then instead of taking responsibility and taking ownership, your partner instead is trying to flip the narrative and
make you the bad person. And that undermines everything that you're feeling, It undermines everything that's happened, and that there's no there's nowhere to go.
If if you're telling your partner that you know you're upset by a situation and they won't even validate that that situation is real, then the only the only option you have is to back down from it, and it means that they get to win win, like who wins in an argument. If both people in a relationship are like well rounded and really reasonable people, then it doesn't matter who comes with a you know, a disagreement or
feeling upset. Like a normal response to conflict is I'm sorry that I've made you feel like that, and what can I do to make it better? Like that is the that is the most normal reaction. But if you're not getting that from your partner, if you are afraid to talk to them about things that are making you upset because you're so scared that they're gonna dump you, or they're gonna start a fight, or you're gonna end up blowing up about it, then you really need to
assess like that there's something fundamentally wrong there. And I think depending on where you're at in your relationship, it's much harder.
Obviously if you're married and you've got kids and you're having these blow ups, then I think that you need to go and speak to a counselor, or speak to a third party, or speak to somebody else about it. But if you're in the early early stages of a relationship, this is such a huge red flag that this is not the right relationship for you, and then cut your
losses and leave because you need to be validated. Conflict resolution is one of the most important aspects of a thriving and sustainable relationship, and if you don't have that early on, I don't think that that's something that you can really work towards.
I do just want to make a note that I did get a lot of this information from a woman called Robin Stern. She is a licensed psychoanalyst, that is, she's an associate director at like the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence. Knows her stuff. This girl knows her shit. She knows her shit. But I just found it really interesting. She just says, quote. It's worth noting that in my practice, the gas lighter is typically a man and the gaslight
tee is typically a woman. In my clinical experience, many women are socialized to doubt themselves and continually apologize for disagreeing or upsetting their partners, but men are not. I find that really interesting that women, we are almost made now to be pleased, and we apologize constantly because we want to fix the situation. So it doesn't matter what the man is delivering to us or what the situation is. We usually just want to get it done and be like, fine, I'm sorry.
So let's bring this back to a very very very pivotal thing that we have both watched this week, which is too hot to handle, and that was what got us onto this topic in the first place. So guys, if you haven't seen the series yet, then maybe skip ahead a little bit because I don't want to give
we any spoilers. But there is this section in the series where Harry and Francesca have made out, so they broke the rules, right, and then Harry goes back and he tells the guys, oh, Francesca made out with me. He throws her under the bus because she didn't he completely completely was the one who, like he fully threw himself on her. If anything, it was a bit predatory, but whatever, so he is the one who did it,
and then he throws her under the bus. He doesn't take any responsibility for it, like when She's sitting there being like, why are you saying this? Like I I whatever, I didn't do that. It's obviously over. The relationship's done. She then starts dating somebody else, and he's like a wounded puppy because he hates seeing her dating somebody else. But she's done nothing wrong. Then she still has feelings
for him. She wants to be with him. She kind of like regrets that she's gone and dated this other person. So she goes back to Harry and she starts having conversation with him about how she still has feelings for him, and instead of having like a mature and open conversation about this, Harry's response is, well, you know, I don't know if I can forgive you for what you've done.
And she hadn't done anything wrong, but he had managed to flip the conversation and make her apologize for behavior that was actually his shitty behavior in the first place.
Yeah, she was apologizing and begging for him back, and I found myself asking Sherry. I was like, did I miss something? What's she apologizing for? I couldn't work it out how how he got there and how she got there, But it was happening and it was such blatant gas lighting, like.
He was amazing at emotionally manipulating her at this point. But I think it's really important to acknowledge he is very young. He is twenty three years old, and that behavior is indicative of somebody who's young and who doesn't necessarily have like the full spectrum or experience in how to deal with conflict and how to treat someone who you know, he wanted to uphold bro code and like keep everyone happy. Like I don't think he dealt with it in the best way. But I do think that
age plays a massive part in it. And I think that people who were in their early twenties are afforded a bit of time to be jerks. But when you're in your thirties, that's who you are. Like if you're thirty three and you're doing shit like that, that's the
man that you are. And I really think it's important that if you're in that point in your life and you're dating someone who is meant to be a man and they're still displaying this sort of behavior, then it's never gonna change, Like it's the person that they are.
I do absolutely agree with what you said. Whilst it was a blatant example on Harry's behalf of gas lighting. I don't think there was anything malicious in there. I don't think it was intentional. I don't even know if he knew he was doing it. I think he would probably watch it. I imagine he would watch it back and be like, wow, I didn't I can see what that looks like now, as you know, as an outsider.
Maybe it's kind of interesting that these people like even for us, like when you do reality TV, you kind of watch yourself back and you're like, oh yeah, I like that about myself, and I don't like that about myself. It's almost a self development in and of itself the experiment, because you see behaviors back that you can reflect on, which nobody ever really gets to watch, Like you never get to watch your life back in that sort of way.
Oh. I found it really fascinating watching myself back, and there was nothing that I did where I was like, oh my god, I'm horrible. I would have changed that, but it definitely I can't imagine these people watching themselves and not learning or taking something from it. For sure. If you guys haven't seen too Hot to Handle yet, please go and see it, and I think we should
talk about it on the Facebook page. Maybe. Okay, So I think if you're in a situation where you know that you'll be in gas lit city, then what do you do in this situation? Right, Like, what's your next step apart from like getting the fuck out of there? Which sometimes that's not always they're not that's not always the solution. Like, sometimes you can't just lead the relationship. Well, maybe you're not ready to, or maybe you don't want
to and you actually want to work on it. What do you do to show your partner and explain to your partner like, this is behavior that's not acceptable and I'm not going to stand for this. It can be excruciatingly difficult to put yourself out of this sort of a toxic relationship and this sort of a power dynamic. But there are some steps that you can do. There are some things that you can do within yourself with other people in your life, so let's just nut out
some of them. Obviously. Step one is identify the problem. Hopefully by now you have identified that from some of the things we've said before, the questions you can ask yourself if you're not sure and you're a fens hitter and you're like, am I crazy? Or is he doing this to me? They suggest you go to a friend or someone that's close to both of you and just say, don't protect me, don't sugarcoat it. Tell me do you agree the way he treats me? Do you agree the
way things he says to me? And just ask them because you know that these people love you and they're going to tell you the truth. And if you go to them and say, don't sugarcoat it, give it to me hard, give me the hard truth, they will do that and you're going to learn a lot from that because these people only want the best for you.
You're going to go to your friends and ask them for their cold, hard and honest opinion about your partner and about your relationship. Then you need to be really ready to make some changes because it's really an unfair position to put your friends in to say, hey, give me or give me your opinion on my partner who treats me like shit. And they're going to tell you that and then be like.
Sweet, we're going to stay together because we love each other forever.
Like that's not fair and I've done that to my friends before and it makes it really uncomfortable for them. So I think you can only really do that if you're at a point and at a at a crossroad where you need to make some hard decisions and you're ready to make those hard decisions, because otherwise it just becomes them against you. They feel uncomfortable because they have now said the wrong thing about your partner, and it's just it's can open up a whole other can of
worms with your relationship with your nearest and dearest. I think, just on what Brits said as well, like you know this is happening, draw a line in the sand in
the way that you communicate with your partner. And as soon as you start seeing it happen in your conflicts, So when you have gone to your partner and said this has upset me, and as soon as you start seeing their behavior when they're like that didn't happen or they're not acknowledging it, you call a space of spade and say, like this, this conversation is not going to happen like this. I am not going to sit here
and not be validated for the way I feel. You're not going to tell me that this didn't happen because I know it happened, and you really have to stand so strong in what you know is reality and what you believe and the way that you feel. Don't get crazy, don't get angry, don't yell, don't scream, because that is exactly the reaction that they want, because they want you to yell. They want you to scream because by you yelling and screaming, it means that they get to then flip it and say, well.
You're the one acting crazy now, because you kind of are. But they've created that situation.
So I think be very very mindful to not deliver the sort of conflict and not deliver the sort of argument that they're looking for.
Something they suggest that you can do in terms of that, in terms of really nailing down the moment you're saying, am I crazy? Is to sort truth from distortion. So after you've had a conversation or a situation like this, immediately after right down in a journal what happened to the point of the dialogue. Flow, write down what he said, write down what you've said, and then write down your feelings.
That way you can track, you can pinpoint where your partner starts to go from reality into gas lighting into making. You can see the switch, and that way, it's so common for women and men. But it's so common to have a fight, have an argument, and you're so upset and you you know you deserve better. But a week later, two weeks later, it's forgotten because you're back in love, and.
You forget facts like you forget details, like you might be like, well, on Tuesday you said this, and it's like, fuck, I can't remember it was Tuesday or Wednesday, Like I don't.
I don't keep a mentally, I'm not keeping tabs on everything that you've done. I just know that this week, these several things have happened. That's upset me.
I don't know the time, date and place of all of them, so stop trying to trip me up on details.
Well, that way, you've got the facts. You've got the facts, you can see where it strays from reality, and you can go back and remember and reread how you felt in that situation and just how far from the truth your partner strayed, how he made you feel.
This is such an important tool for your own sanity to keep a journal of these sorts of things. If you are in a very, very toxic place, but I do also think that if you're at a point where you need to keep a journal of your arguments with your partner, then you have some pretty big questions that you need to ask yourself, because that's a really dark
place to be at. I don't think that anyone should ever be at a point in their relationship where they need to journal or write down the fights that they're having to be able to say, well, this is what happened, and this is what you said. I think that that in itself is such a huge indication that your relationship is so far gone past the point of repair that you need to start making some choices for yourself and everything.
I'm so with you on this brick because everything that I read was like the best way of dealing with of someone who's gas letting you is to keep a journal and to keep information and to be able to kind of like time stamp this sort of conversation.
But that just to me. I'm like, if you need to do that, then you need to leave for sure. But the thing is, it's easy for us to say that now we've both been in it, and we know it's not that easy about saying leave. So that's why we're actually telling you steps and giving you a proce And the next step in figuring this out is engaging in some mental exercises and it's literally to shift your mindset because you're in this controlling relationship and this life
where you can't imagine your life without this person. So they suggest that to shift your mindset, you start to do these exercises where you just start to visualize your life without your partner, visualize it on your own. What would you be doing differently, what could you be doing differently, what opportunities would come to you, and to start to think about your life without the other person, because chances are if you're in this relationship, you have been codependent
for a very long time. You have felt like you can't make those decisions on your own. You don't know what you would do on your own. So that is a huge as for me, someone that's super into meditation. Your mindset can change your whole path and the journey that you're on. So to start being and think about it positively. Don't think I'm on my own, I'm going to be lonely, i don't know where to go, I'll have no one, I'll have nothing to do. You have to think of it in a positive light. I'm gonna
have all this time to start these new hobbies. I can finally go and travel to this country because if he never wanted to go there.
I can finally find somebody at some point who treats me with love and respect, who I don't feel is crazy with every single second of every single day, just like on this whole idea of like meditating and projecting a life of like what you could have if you
weren't with somebody who makes you feel crazy all the time. Yes, I understand, and I've been there, Like, trust me, I've been so deep in the trenches in this type of relationship where I felt like I couldn't imagine my life without them, and I couldn't see like I couldn't see the forest of the trees. But what you need to ask yourself as well, is you are so unhappy in that relationship, Like a relationship where someone gas lights you
is such an unhappy place to be in. And being on your own means that you get to control your own happiness. So when you're with someone who treats you badly, when you're in a toxic relationship, your happiness is so volatile. It grows up and down, up and down, high, so high, and then so low, all dependent on that other person and how that other person treats you and how that
other person makes you feel. But when you take control back and you actually start living for yourself and making those decisions for yourself, you take ownership over your own happiness again, and you no longer have those peaks and troughs.
You get to decide when you're happy, You get to decide what makes you happy, and you will honestly start living in this constantness of having control in your life, which I think is something that when you regain that after being after being out of control for so long, it's just like the most incredible experience.
I'm really sat in this one and thought about it for a long time because I think a lot of people will understand this. But when you're having this argument, when you're trying to figure out your situation, your relationship, don't worry about who's right and who's wrong. Don't be like I'm right, you're he's like i'm right, you're right, you're wrong, you're wrong. It's not about who's right and wrong. It's about the feelings that you feel in that situation.
Maybe he is right, but how did you feel in that journey? How did you feeling that conversation, Because your feelings are far more important than he was right in the conversation, And a lot of people really get swept up in that. They A woman will walk away to her friends and she will almost validate, She'll almost validate it by saying, well, you know he was right, that's irrelevant. He made you feel like absolutely dirt the whole time, and that is more important than the fact that he
was right. Yeah.
But also, like just with any conflict, like and I think that this is this is important with any like a disagreement in life, Like, for example, Matt doesn't have to agree with me, Like if we're having a fight, I don't and I feel a certain way about something. He doesn't need to agree that I'm right, like that's not what the fight is. But he does need to validate that he understands that I feel a certain way
about something. So maybe I'm wrong, Like maybe maybe I'm totally wrong, maybe he does do enough housework right, maybe I am being a little bit irrational, But he still needs to say I understand that you're upset and what can I do to help make this better? You still need to validate that someone is upset and someone is hurting by completely disregarding that, you're disregarding any way for growth, you're disregarding any way for the two of you to
be able to kind of resolve this situation amicably. It becomes about exactly what Bridges said, I'm right, you're wrong. I'm big, you're small. I have control you don't. And that's not what conflict or conversation or arguments should be about.
When we were sort of looking into this, I did learn a new word. I learn a new term, and it's like a subcategory of gas lighting, and I wanted to highlight it because I had never heard of it before.
It's called bright siding. It is something that we spoke
about though. So this was like very opportunistic in that when we did the miscarriage episode a couple of weeks back now, when one of the things I spoke about on that episode is that people often unintentionally make the situation worse by constantly telling you like, oh, like you know, you should be positive about the fact that you already had the baby, or like lucky it was really early, and there's this a little bit of insensitivity that comes
with people trying to make you feel better about the whole fact that you're having a miscarriage. And then Britt was talking about this episode and she came across this word, which is bright siding, like.
Literally, look on the bright side. That's where it has come from, people constantly saying look on the bright side.
And it's another way of gas lighting, I guess, but it's definitely not a severe and it comes with good intention, but it's the same concept. And what bright siding is is that means that somebody is putting their own discomfort
and having a conversation with you. So, for example, if you're telling someone that you've had a miscarriage, they don't want to feel uncomfortable in that conversation, and so their response to say like, oh, you know, like lucky it was early on is an attempt for them to make the situation better so that they don't feel uncomfortable, And it's not validating the hurt that you feel, because by validating the hurt that you feel, there is this error
of like, oh, it's it's uncomfortable to deal with someone's grief. It's uncomfortable to deal with someone's pain. It's uncomfortable to deal with somebody else who feels uncomfortable. So we do, and I think a lot of us do this just a normal like life and day to day like problems. It's it's like easier to say, oh, you know, the situation is not as bad as you're making it out.
Or it's literally like having someone before speedter shit sandwich but saying to them you should be appreciating the free lunch. Oh I like that, Yeah, let them let them sit in the fact that they're eating a shit sandwich. Yeah they're getting free food. For sure, they're still shit, but
it's shit. So there's this, and it's really hard because somebody like me, I'm a very optimistic person and I do want to look on the bright side of things as much as possible, but I am I like to think I'm pretty careful with it and I can assess the situation and I do try to realize that I want to be here for you and support you and
be positive. But there are times where you're like, you know what, this is shit, and let's just sit in this for a minute because there's nothing we can say so that I think that it's really hard and it's a really fine line, and you can't hold it against your friends or anyone in your life if they do say these things to you or they are bright siding you, because you have to know that this isn't a narcissistic or manipulative or malicious type of gas lighting. It's an
unintentional type of gaslighting. But like you said with your miscarriage chat, it doesn't help the situation, and sometimes people need to just have someone say to them that sucks bright siding.
Bright siding, which is like just a tangent of gas lighting. It is definitely not as bad as gas lighting, and it is not an intentional, malicious.
Evil thing that we do like it. It is so far from that. But it's just an interesting thing that like, as human behavior, we want to kind of make people feel better, but by doing that, sometimes we make people feel worse. And when brit brought it up, I was like, Oh my god, that is that's that word. That's that thing that we were talking about. And I didn't know that it had a name, but now it has a name. We did ask does We didn't know how to label it.
We didn't know what it was, But everything's got to label, guys, and so you know a label. If you're in a relationship with someone and you feel like you that they're gas lighting you, then you need to have conversations around this. You need to make some changes in your life because it's such as scary and uncomfortable and like belittling place to be and in your relationship.
Oh my god, girlfriend, you deserve so much more than that. And if I think it's more friends, probably who brightside. I think it's friends who have good intention to try and make you feel better. But I do think that sometimes sometimes it's misguided. And it's also okay to have a conversation with your friends and say that you know, you don't need them to make you feel better, you just need them to listen. And that's that's an important
conversation to have as well. Both different, both very important.
I really really am passionate about this topic and I'm so glad that we put this out there and put it together. And as somebody that has been through it to the extreme and on basic level as well, I hope that you guys got something from this. And I think this is the sort of episode that maybe you know a friend or you know someone that is in this sort of a toxic situation but you don't know
how to approach it. It might be as simple as just sending them this episode, tag them in it, say listen to these girls, and then they might sort of have some triggers and there might be some things that stick out to them during this episode, and they'll they'll get there on their own, or maybe they can listen to it and then you can talk to them as a friend. Then you can say, once you've listened to it, let's have a chat. But here to be that little
subtle soothing voice in your ear? So are we soothing? I don't know it's my laugh soothing? Jesus Christ. No, do you know what? I almost feel like? You know, when you hang out with someone too much, you start to like get their characteristics. I feel like you hang around me too, Like I think we're hanging around to each other too much that I think sometimes your laugh gets a bit magnic like mine, Like I'm worried I'm rubbing off on you.
Okay, you think that it's you, You're you're the influence.
No, sometimes your laugh gets a bit mannic, and I'm like she's caught it.
No, I think I've always had a bit of a manic laugh. To be honest, I think I just kept it under wraps at the start, and I'm.
Like, free the beast. You want to know something funny. When I went on The Bachelor, we finished as that is like, that's us rapping. Oh yeah, gas lighting's over, guys, next topic. When I went on the Bachelor, I just thought of this now. My family was like, have fun. Just just be yourself because you're great, like you know, be just be kind. But if we have any advice for you, it's just don't let the laugh out.
That's what they say, which I just want to say, guys, Like, one of the biggest points of like, like the most highlighted review that we get is that people are like, I fucking love Britney's laugh and I fucking love Britney's laughing.
It's out there, you're here for it. I'm also just on that.
This is like before we get into ask gun Card, I just want to throw this one out there. We have had so many incredibly wonderful reviews lately and I am just like beyond gobsmacked and so grateful and we both like from time to time send them to each other because we're like, oh my god, you know, here's
a bit of a confidence boost for you. But we love making this podcast so much, and we love having these chats, and we love putting them out there, and it just fills us with so much gratitude that we know that this has helped some of you at different points in your life. And that's the whole purpose of what we're doing this for. If you walk away from some of these episodes feeling empowered, if you walk away from them feeling supported, that is the whole purpose of this.
And so for every single person who has left a positive review or has reached out like we are so humbled and so incredibly grateful for that.
I thank you, going to put that in there. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
All Right, guys, so I did throw a little stanner in the works and say that we were going to do and ask un Kart on today's episode if you had to be prepared.
Well, let's just have to say, even though you didn't know we were doing it, you got one. Well, but I didn't know, But I'm just super I like this. I like a prepared woman.
So because we you know, obviously we didn't do the Tuesday episode Thursday EPP's meant to be asked on cart We get so many freaking questions from you guys, and we love it, so I don't want to deal with the backlog, So we're just going to do one question because this is already going to be a super long episode. So one question, Britt, come at.
Me, bra I met this guy just before we went into isolation, literally three days. As soon as we went into lockdown, it was all on. He was all over me. We were still seeing each other, so we were sort of isolating together and it was absolutely fantastic. In the last week, since restrictions have started to lift, he has gone a bit colder. I'm not really hearing from him anymore, and I think he's pulling back because I so he's lifting. What do I do? How do I approach this? Is that a thing?
Oh?
Girlfriend? Oh it's such a thing. Oh it's such a thing. And you're not alone? This is okay. I feel like there's going to be a lot of people who are going to be in this situation and it's shit because you've just invested what like seven weeks of your life into someone and in a way, like, I think the thing that we really need to think about with this is that it's seven weeks of real intensity, because if you have isolated with that person, it's not just like, oh, I've.
Been seeing this guy for seven weeks. It's like five, six, seven weeks of every single day, almost all day, being in each other's space. So that's that is like a full baptism of fire. That is a pressure cooker of a relationship from the start. It's understandable, and one of the things I'm sympathizing with is that you're probably a lot more emotionally invested than what you would be normally if you had just met a guy and you'd casually dated for five weeks.
Oh. Absolutely, things are so heightened in this environment. I feel like it's the Bachelor Mansion all over again. It's literally, Yeah, I was like almost engaged after three months of knowing a guy, So I like, you think you love them after three days, but I did. The idea is you are in an environment where if you've just started seeing someone and you're locked down, all you're thinking about, or you're speaking the only person you're speaking to, you're spending
all your time with this person. But I am going to give you some tough love here and say, if he's pulling back now just because he's free, A, you're too good for him. B. You could always have the conversation with him. But girl, it is about to be a froth fest. As soon as we are out of here, it is going to be insane, the dating the people that are out, everyone's going to be wanting to meet new people. So I think you don't put too much
pressure on it. And see, it sucks and it's unfortunate, and you don't want to think that you were in it, but it sounds like potentially you were in a situationship and that ladies and gentlemen is a thing. I am still dealing deeply with the fact that you said froth fest, but I'm gonna overlook that for one second. He's actually will be a froth fest. I'm so deeply traumatized.
But what I want to say is like this, like if this is what this guy's done, Like if he has just bunkered down with you first six weeks, like that's shit, Like he has treated you badly and that is a really, really shit thing to do to someone, to use them emotionally and physically to be able to have them as a support person because he didn't want
to be on his own. Like that is a that is all characteristics of a bad, bad guy and someone who doesn't respect you, and someone who doesn't respect your time,
and someone who doesn't respect your feelings. So I'm like already, Like, if he's pulling back now and actually like not giving you the attention and the love and affirmation that he was giving you last week, and you really do genuinely think it's because the lockdown is lifting, then that for me is like red flag, red flag, red flag, red flag, but some distance in place, because you are not somebody's emotional sounding board. You're not there just to make somebody
else feel better. And if you really thought this was a relationship and something that you'd invested your time and you'll love into, then you need to take care of yourself now if you're not being treated the way you deserve.
I agree, And I do want to add one thing, and it's I guess it's in a way I'm bright, but I think in a situation like this, it's important to not necessarily straight away feel defensive and like he used you, but maybe look at it like you were both in a really bad situation that the whole world, no one expected it, no one you want to do with it, and you probably helped each other through it. You found each other at the right time. I'm sure he helped you through it a lot. I'm sure he
made the experience better. And maybe that's just a nicer way to look at it. Okay, he's not my penguin. It sucks, but I probably wouldn't have had such a good time or had the support I needed in this time if it wasn't for him. So it's just another way to have a look at it.
No, I don't think that's bright siding, And I actually love that, Like I mean, I had I was like, the guy's a dickhead. No, but I love that you've said that because I think that that's so true. Like, you know, you can focus on the negative parts of the fact that the relationship hasn't or isn't working out,
but the relationship may not have worked out anyway. So if you've been able to get support in love and during a really really stressful and anxious time have someone there to come, you know, to be at home with, than to have fun with then that's really special in and of itself. You know, not every relationship that we have in life needs to turn into the one.
No, it just can't. Possibly, it's part of the journey. He was part of your journey, and he got you to where you are. And if that's the case, then you can look back at that time fondly. It doesn't have to be a really negative memory for you, because we're all going to remember Corona for the rest of our lives. Also, maybe you have some really good stories from your time in isolation exactly well in your house
and more stories than I got. All right, Laura, you know we never finished an episode, but that our suck and our sweet, our highlights, lowlights, the best, the worst. What happened to you this week?
Well, my low light was definitely Marley being sick. Like that's a that's a low low low light. It's pretty much off. The light is off.
Yeah, it's the electricity is cut. Yes, thank you for running with my joke. It wasn't even funny in the first but I'm here for you and I always try to make sport.
So my low light was Marley being sick. My low light was also missing the EPP. My other low light is that I have to stay up and edit this EPP. There's a few low light Laura.
It doesn't know the rules. You're only supposed to have one. But I'm going to give it to you this week. You deserve it. Thank you, thank you soo much. My highlight is oh look, my highlight's boring. It's too hot to handle. I really enjoyed it. Like guys, I'm here for the shit TV watch it. It was great.
If you have five eight hour I can't even know. It's like, it's like, who knows how many episodes it is, but it's great. I think that's my heart.
I think it's eight. I'm okay, So my second swite I'm going to preempt it. Well.
Also, Matt has cooked dinner almost every night this week. That's also my highlight. He's been an angel.
That's amazing. An angel. Shout out to Maddie J.
He's an angel sent from the heavens. All you have to do is get angry at them once and then they really pull themselves into lime.
Well, I'm going to preempt my second suite with firstly my suck. Yes, I'm aware we're at different points. Of our life and my suck is ridiculous. But it sucked. I shouted myself a coffee machine, like a little at home coffee machine, because I thought I'm gonna save heaps of money by not buying my coffees out every day. Bought this machine. Then I went ham buying the pods for it. Must have had like a hundred pods, because
you love the environment. They're acyclable, you know, are they? Oh? Sorry, continue shouted myself. Some pods, went hardcore, went ham, got probably one hundred pods because I was just gonna use them for the rest of my life. I got the wrong sized pods. They don't fit into my coffee machine, don't have my receipt, can't return them. I now have. Well, so you really do hate the environment? Hate? Yeare you go unintentionally though? Oh that's a real way. So I
put them up on bonde loop. I'm just gonna throw them out like I don't. You get no throw them like you get a pod, you get a pod likedy for Maybe I could take them now I got an espresso machine. That's a shame. Okay, fancy pants, we really went all out. My sweet was actually it was Laura, it was you this week. Laura knows me very well, and she gave me the gift of cookie dough. She gave me a log of Bennett Street cookie dough. She knows how much I love it. And it was as
simple as that. It was just a little deed that made my week.
Brittany is a very very easy person to please, so long as it is calorie dense and full of sugar. She is the happiest woman on this planet. I'm here for it. Guys, thank you so much for listening to another episode. And like I know we've already said it, but I'm so sorry that we couldn't get Tuesday to you. We really do try and be so like consistent and disciplined with getting this out. But you know what, sometimes life just throws your curveball.
Some may say sometimes life is uncut. Who would say that, Brittany, Well, we would.
No.
Guys, we appreciate, we appreciate you there. We appreciate your support and your love and the fact that you keep coming back. And guys, if you haven't signed up for our Facebook page, we have a really beautiful, supportive and hilarious little community going on at Life un Cup podcast, jump on Facebook, falls on Instagram, hit five stars, leave review, tell your dog, tell you mom, tell you Nan, and share the love because we love love