Hey, guys's producer Kasha here.
I hope you've had I'm going to say a pretty good week.
I'm not going to stay a great week because half of the country are still in lockdown. And if you are one of those people in lockdown, I hope the podcast has been able to give you a bit of an escape and a bit of a laugh, because you probably need it right now.
Now.
This is the last week that Laura and britt are on break. They're going to be back to normal as of next Tuesday.
Last Friday, Laura and Maddie.
Jay decided to sprinkle something a little extra in there, and it sounds as though you guys loved it.
Personally, I loved it too.
They've decided that they want to do some batchy recaps of this new season of The Bachelor, so they will be dropping in your podcast libraries every single Friday for about the next six weeks.
I think that's how long the season goes for.
Out of however long the season goes for is however long they are going to be doing them. I could be super biased, and I probably am because I work for the podcast, you know, but I thought it was hilarious, even potentially more funny than watching the actual episodes of the Bachelor. So if you haven't listened to it, go back, have a listen. It's the episode from last Friday, their very first batchy recap, and they're going to have another one for you this Friday.
But for today, we.
Are taking a trip down memory lane, which means that we are revisiting some of our favorite.
Episodes from the past.
And I think I speak for everyone when I say that we like to know the psychology of our own brains and maybe of our partners, or our family or our friends. We like to know why we kind of act different in different situations, or how maybe we feel different about different situations. Now we've done the love languages, We've done the Maya Briggs personality tests, we've done conflict resolution, and today we are talking attachment theory. We're basically asking
if you got daddy issues. Okay, if you don't know what attachment type you have, you can take the test. There is a link in our show notes. You can find that by going onto Apple Podcasts or on Spotify, and you can find out where you kind of sit on the attachment styles spectrum. We're about to jump into them. We're about to talk all things fearful, avoidant, anxious, preoccupied, dismissive, avoidant, and secure.
And if you have absolutely no idea what.
I was just saying, that's fine because Laura and grit are about to go through.
Your attachment theories.
I hope you really enjoy this work down the new name, let's jump into it.
Okay, so we're going to talk about attachment styles. Now.
Before I give a little intro into this, I do want to say I didn't know a lot about it. You mentioned it a little while ago, Laura on one of the episodes that you've done an attachment style quiz. We always said would go back to it, but I've never really delved deep into it before. I found it so interesting. There is a lot of content here, guys, and we're going to be reading a lot of stuff out that we've actually just learned from a lot of therapists, psychologists,
just things that we've researched ourselves. So this is coming from both we're still learning at the same time. We want to deliver this content to you because we think it's going to really help and affect your life, and I think everyone can just learn something from it. Yeah, and the idea of attachment start. So this is a theory that I've always found really interesting and fascinating. It's to do with like your relationship with your parents, and
that's where attachment theory comes from. So in your early life and your childhood, when you from when you were born until when you're about the age three, that's when your parents have a very profound impact on the way that you feel loved, receive love, and build attachments towards
other people. And if you have had a bit of a complicated childhood, if you haven't received love or attachment in a way that could be considered, you know, in quotation marks normal, then you may have a slightly more dysfunctional adult attachment type. And I guess for me, the reason why this became something that I was really interested in is because, like I've talked about loads on this podcast before, I had a really unhealthy attachment style prior to my relationships with Matt.
And we'll get into it. Britain I both did the test. Now we both kind of uncovered our own attachment styles. Mine has changed over the years and I have a much more secure attachment type now. But we'll get into like how how your childhood basically can really form and affect the way that you feel, receive and create bonds in your relationships as adults. But like brit said, some of it is research and some of it is from our own experiences as well.
Have you got people in your life.
Where you've ever looked at people friends, family, or thought about the way you're in a relationship. Some people are really aloof and unattached in their relationships.
Yeah, like they're all dated.
A guy who's like just doesn't give you anything, and yeah, this guy's fucking stone wall.
And then others are super attached, super clingy, really needy. They need constant validation. And what it comes down to is some people are secure and some people are unsecure. That's the basis of it. But there are four styles of attachment. So the four attachment styles are secure attachment, anxious preoccupied attachment, dismissive avoidant attachment, and fearful avoidant attachment.
What are you.
I thought we were going to be like and now we're going to unpack these but like, okay, so we're going to put the link in like we did for the Love Languages test. We're going to put the link into the description notes for this episode, so that you can go and do your own attachment assessment and you can find out what sort of attachment type you are
and unpack that with your partner. You can also do it with them, and it kind of just opens up this conversation and understanding around why you behave the way that you behave, and why you perceive relationships and connection in the way that you perceive and define your relationship. So my we're gonna start with me. Let's start with the trauma.
All right, what are you? So we've both done the test, so.
Mine has changed significantly. So I did my test years and years ago and I was very very high on anxious preoccupied attachment. Anxious perio occupied attachment is like I mean, I've described this to you guys before, but it's it's this need of being in a relationship. I got a lot of my purpose and a lot of my value in myself from feeling loved by somebody else. And I was always very insecure that they were going to leave me.
I had massive daddy issues basically of abandonment. Laugh even like it's not funny, it's not funny, but but this was me and this is like, you know, this was very patent behavior, and a lot of my past relationships, I was always somebody who got into relationships that were very quick moving, very very intense, very volatile, and then I would be left feeling like there was something wrong
with me because the relationship didn't work out. That has changed significantly, and I can only attribute that to being in a really healthy relationship with someone who is incredibly patient, like Matt is an angel and from the heavens. But it's changed massively over the years. So I now was
really surprised with my results. So I have basically basically the way it works is like you can be you're a dominant attachment style, So there's one that is going to be dominant for you, and then we all display characteristics of the others, and those characteristics can change depending on the relationship that you're in. They can also change depending on the time of your life that you're in,
and so sometimes they might be higher or lower. But you know, we have an overall main attachment style, and now in my relationships, my main attachment style style is fifty percent secure. Unsurprisingly coming a relatively close second, my anxious, preoccupied attachment style is my number two at thirty three percent, and then dismissive avoidant at eight percent and fearful avoidant at eight percent as well, So I have a little bit from each category.
It's pretty even.
But yeah, secure, and guys like you want to be secure. That means that you're in a functioning relationship where you feel loved, You feel like you can communicate with your partner safely, you're not scared of abandonment. So like being in that and having that as like your most significant value on your scorecard is that's it.
That's a sweet spot. That's where you want to be. I think it's really interesting.
I like the fact that it can change because it evolves with you, I guess. And it's like you just said, you went from just being insecure all the time.
And needing needy.
You were needy you needed love to now you are so happy and confident in your relationship and you feel secure. You don't feel like Matt's going to ever abandon you, and I think that's a really nice place to be. So I love that you're you've shown and you're open enough to say, yeah, I went from one extreme to the other, So that's that's really nice.
So congratulations on being secure.
Congratulations on getting your shit together, Laura, thank you, thank you very much. But you know, like, like we'll get into all of this, but there are ways to change your attachment style if you feel like you're really vulnerable in your relationships, Like therapy, we'll talk about all the different ways to unpack it and ways to really approach
if you have a dysfunctional attachment style. But yeah, well obviously, like after we talk about hour and styles, we'll get into like what each one actually means and what that looks like as a personality type.
Yea, So mine was interesting.
Mine was fifty eight percent secure, which for me, I guess it's hard because I've been single for a long time. But what these quizzes do if you are single, that's so fine. It'll tell you to think of the relationships that you do have in your life or think back to a last relationship. But so for me, I can be secure in the fact that I have an amazing family who I know are there for me. I know they're never going to leave me. I know if I need anything, I can go to them. The same with
my small group of friends. I know I've got people to rely on, so I think that's where it stemmed from me. But the next category in my pie I was twenty percent avoidant dismissive, which when I was reading what avoidant dismissive is, I was like, holy bejeebers like me to tea. I'm going to read you guys, what
it actually says, avoidant dismissive is avoidant. Attachment style is a form of insecure attachment style marked by a fear of intimacy GUILTU before we avoid an attachment style tend to have trouble getting close to others or trusting others in relationships gilto They typically maintain some distance from their partners or are largely emotionally unavailable in their relationships, preferring to be independent and rely on themselves, like this is me to a t. You guys will know if you've
been following along the podcast for a long time. I often joke, and I've always thought it was a joke, but maybe it's not. I often joke that I'm like emotionally void and that the bachelor will are told the producers will like warry your emotions, like.
Why are you crying? Cry harder? I don't have feeling.
I often joke that, and I've always said it to myself, like haha, I'm emotionally void. And then when I read this and it specifically states like these people largely are emotionally unavailable and I don't they can't feel that, I was like, oh my god, it's actually me. Then it says they prefer to be on their own and rely on themselves, totally me, and I just think that stems
from obviously the toxic relationship that I did have. It definitely does not stem from my my family life because they've always had the support so for me.
And this is what can happen too.
In the reverse, the way that you had a insecure feeling and you came through that now you're really great. I was the reverse, because that can happen. I was very very always very secure and happy and emotionally available and obsessive with my relationships, Like when I fell in love, I was in love like I wanted to be with them every single day. Then I went through this really toxic few years with this crazy sociopath Episode three and.
All of that.
Plug But if you haven't listened to episode three, it's by far both of our favorite episode. It's just Britney's story about her dating sociopath that had to double like a double life is the most insane episode ever.
So we recommend that.
On every basically, but we we only say that for the newcomers or you ogs know that. But so then it put into reverse and it put me from being like really really really secure in this place where I was like, I don't want to rely on everyone again. I remember saying that to myself. I remember saying I will not rely on a man again. And it's almost like I've driven myself to the extreme. So I need
to find a way to win that back a little bit. However, I think it's important and just in your results there, like to keep perspective, like if you're still very high on the secure like percentage wise of these tests, but you do have like a twenty percent of something that is that is very manageable and that is a very like minimal percentage in comparison to your secure attachment. So overall you have the like, you have the ability and the sense to be able to see your relationship with
a healthy perspective and create healthy attachments. We're always going to have some level of insecurity. We're always going to have some level of doubt or something in us that prevents us from wanting to be hurt again if we've been through bad relationships, and I think you know, depending on where you're at in your life, if you've just come out of a really shit relationship, your scale and your percentages in this test is going to be completely different to if you feel like you're in a really
stable at healthy relationship. So it's very dynamic depending on what's happening in your life. But it also shows that different things that happen in your life, like things that happen in your childhood or bad relationships that you go through, can be triggers to stop you from being able to commit to somebody or have a happy relationship further in life. I was just going through that because I thought it was really interesting. That is only twenty percent I am.
I know that I'm secure now, and I know that when I have a relationship it'll be fine, and I know there'll be no jealousy, there'll be no one and where they are, they'll be no easy going to leave me because I'm just beyond that now. You do get to a point where you like I think that's why I'm so picky because I just know that when I pick that person, I don't want to have to worry
about it. So if I if I get spidey tingly senses when I'm dating someone that I'm going to feel in secure, I'm going to wonder where they are and who they're with, I just wouldn't pursue it.
So what was your other one then, because there must be another in there. That's a small percentage.
Yeah, so one one percentage down again was the anxious and anxious ambivalent, and then only eight percent was disorganized, which is interesting.
So I reckon.
What we do is I reckon we unpack what each one actually means. So for anybody who's listening and they're like, holy shit, that's how I approach my relationship, you can kind of identify yourself before you even do the test. So secure attachment is the most predominant attachment. Basically, secure attachment is like I'm fine, you're fine. Fifty five percent of the population have secure attachments, and that's a really
healthy way of approaching your relationships. Basically, it means you are happy when you're together, you still feel safe when you're independently apart, You don't have this fear that your partner's going to cheat on you. You're not worried about their whereabouts, you don't feel clinging, you don't feel obsessive. You just have a really healthy relationship and dynamic when you're together, and you both compliment and bring a really
positive light to each other's life. But you're also very capable people independently of each other as well, and that's a very healthy and secure attachment. And the idea behind this attachment is that through your childhood, your parents have been there for you. They've been a constant in your life.
They have provided how did you with the love and affection when you've required it, and your basic needs to be met, love, food, shelter, support, conversation, all of those things have been attended to you, and you're able to have role models in your life. So you go, oh, that's what a healthy relationship looks like. That's what a healthy love and romantic relationship looks like. That's what healthy
friendships look like. So having these really strong role models help for you to be able to then form and have great relationships in your adult life. That's not to say that someone who is secure can't possibly get into a relationship that's toxic and bad.
They absolutely can.
We all can make bad choices and end up with people who are manipulative and bad for us. It just means that someone who is very secure in themselves is more likely to be able to walk away from it than somebody who is, say like an anxiously attached person, who might stay for a lot longer and cop a lot more abuse because they don't feel worthy of something better than that.
That was a lot. Basically, it's just where you want to be.
Basically, secure is the swift spar that's all we're all gain and forced secure is where you want to fight for.
So if you do feel like one of if you do the quiz and you do have a lot of larger percentage of one of these other attachment styles, it's not the end of the world. You can change it and you can work towards it. Again, we'll get into that later, but I'm going to jump into attachment style too, and that is the anxious preoccupied attachment, which is like the I'm not fine, but you're fine. It's basically this attachment style that's marked and the basis of it is.
This fear of abandonment.
So they say that that's coming back from when you're a child, because that's I want you guys to remember, this is all based off the first two years of your life. This is where this stems from the way you were treated, the way you're made to feel, your environment. They really do believe that this is all started in those first two years of life, which is crazy, and that's a whole nother conversation because it makes you be like, what do I do with my kid?
Oh my god?
I know this was something Alice that Britta and I were talking about in relation to this. I was like, holy shit, the pressure that there is to raise a well rounded and like normal kid that feels like they loved. I was like, fuck, I don't know if I'm doing a good job.
You're doing a good job. I don't know.
What if she's super dysfunctional when she grows up, if she cries for like one second, you're like, I'm here money. What if she turns into a narcissist because I'm too attentive.
I just don't know. It's a fine line.
But this this anxious relationship you feel like and you're always worried that your partner's gonna leave you. These sorts of people are always really hungry for validation and they get anxious very easily, like why hasn't my partner takets me back yet? You know, it's been five minutes. Has something happened to my partner? Is he with someone else?
There's this really really constant, deep seated issue of this isn't right, They're gonna leave me, and you live in this state of anxiety, which is awful for anyone that's ever felt any level of anxiety. No one wants to be in that place. So this is sort of where that stems from. And it never really ends well because partners can often get defensive. It can be quite suffocating in a relationship, and it's just it's really really not a healthy place to be. Yeah, twenty percent of people
have this style of attachment. And Laura, you said that you actually were pretty big on this style of attachment from.
Things in your past.
How do you feel like you recognize that at the time or is it just something that you look like did you know at the time that you were living in a state of anxiety? Could you recognize and be like, why am I always anxious? Or is it something that you look back on now that you're in this healthy, secure relationship. Do you look back and be like, I only know how fucked up I was then because of how good I feel now?
Good question, Brittany, do you know what I find this so interesting because and I just want to like make this point really clear, regardless of what your attachment style is, there is no blame in this. Like, you know, there's no blame on you for the way that you deal with relationships, and there's definitely no blame on your parents. That's not what we're doing here. I have I don't talk very openly about my childhood. I had a pretty you know, a lot of it was great, a lot.
Of it wasn't.
And my mom and my dad divorce when I was really young, and my dad moved away. So I think, just just from that and that of itself, without like going into any of the other details surrounding my upbringing, I think when you're a product of divorce, there is this feeling of abandonment and without without it being an intentional thing. But even if your parents are telling you that they love you, the fact that they've chosen to move away and move far away and that they're not physically there.
The words of.
I love you don't really match up with the actions of I'm not physically here, So there is that feeling of abandonment that comes from that, and then you know, moving on from that, My mom was a single mom, she had two kids, she started dating again, and I like when she got remarried to her second husband, he was not a great guy by any means, and it was a really turbulent time in our childhood. And I
guess that there was this inco insistency. And that's the thing about this whole anxious attachment style is like, if you feel like there's an inconsistent love in your upbringing as a child, then that's what can make you feel as an adult that you're anxious in your relationships because you just don't know, you don't know, like you don't
know where it's coming from. You genuinely constantly feel in this state of like, maybe they're going to leave me, maybe I'm not good enough, maybe my feelings aren't valid,
And there's this fear that's attached to abandonment. And I really like look back on my relationships now and I go, oh, wow, Like that's what that was like, I can identify that in myself, and I also identify a lot of like my like my mom's behavior in what I was doing as well, Like I really mirrored my mom's dating life myself because she didn't want to be alone and I didn't want to be alone. And I realized that I was trying to get my purpose from being in a relationship,
like I was always in a relationship with someone. But also like on that, like my relationship with my mom is great, now my relationship with my dad is like. We both have very adult, very mature relationships. And I know they love me, I know that they support me. I just think as a child, there were times where I didn't get the love or the support that I felt like I needed at the time. So it was a bit mismatched. And it wasn't a reflection of not
being loved by my parents. It was a reflection of them going through some really really challenging trauma themselves and also trying to deal with the fact that they had children that they were trying to raise. So you know, this is not a blame thing. This is just the reality of the world and the reality of relationships. And I guess As I've gotten older, I've looked at the relationships that I had in the past and what I want and don't want for myself, and I was just
really lucky. And there's a big portion of luck that's come into this, the fact that I met Matt and he is completely different to everyone who I've dated before.
He's a very secure personality type.
He's always been incredibly reassuring, and over the three years that we've been together, he has molded me into a secure attachment because he's just so fucking normal it's annoying, yea, And so that's changed, you know, Like I used to date guys that were emotionally unavailable, so something that's actually really common, which you would think, how could this work?
But people who have an anxious attachment type often end up dating people who are dismissive avoidant, which are guys who are totally emotionally unattached, emotionally unavailable, don't really need you, don't really want you, and make you feel unloved because there's this feeling of like, I want more, and you keep going back for more. Whereas someone who is secure and like has a very healthy attachment style wouldn't put up with that shit. Only someone who's anxious would actually
put up with that shit. So it's almost like two opposites attract, and two bad characteristics often become moths to a flame in that sort of situation.
Yeah, I think like, wow, wow, Like that was a lot there, And I mean I know a lot about you and your history and everything, and it's I don't know. I just think you shared a new little part there, which is great. But it's funny to see. Like you said, I found that really interesting when you said, you know, my mum was dating a lot because she didn't want to be alone, and then so I was dating a
lot because I didn't want to be alone. I don't think we realized until we're older how much we mimic those people that are in our lives.
Yeah, and good characteristics and bad characteristics. Like when your main role model for relationships, that's your main model for relationships, that's your normal. Like that's of course what you're going to end up doing yourself as you get older.
I think when I look when I think about how I was dating afterwards, I was only dating after my relationship. I was only dating people that, like you had just mentioned, they would tell me, Hey, Like I'm emotionally unavailable, I'm not physically available, Like I don't want a relationship. I don't want a relationship and I they're the people that I would invest my time in, and I was doing it because deep down I didn't want it either, and I was too scared to actually form any sort of
relationship with anyone. So as soon as song was like, hey, heads up, I don't actually want anything, I was like, brilliant when really, deep down I wanted it, but I was too scared in case someone was gonna leave me. So I did have that form for probably around a year or two or ten.
Nine year or two I had that.
But there's a real theory to things, and I think it's so interesting when we start to unpack like who we are as people and why we make the decisions that we make, and why we choose the type of guys that we choose.
Like there's there's a pattern.
To this, and so much of it comes from like our personality and who we are and what we've been through in our lives, what we've been exposed to and like, like I just mentioned earlier as well, but you know, if you do find yourself constantly being attracted to people who are bad for you, or you're not feeling satisfied in your relationships, or you don't ever feel like you're
in a healthy relationship. Like going to therapy and not going to therapy because you need to talk about the relationships, but going to therapy to better understand who you are as a person and why you have these needs and these wants and these insecurities or these these I'm not gonna call them shortcomings, but like these feelings of inadequacy, you can unpack that better understand who you are as a person, and then that allows you to make better
decisions in your relationships and find people who are healthy, and find people who are you know, not going to fucking play into your trauma. And they are out there somewhere. They're out there. You know they're hard to find, but they're out there.
The third one, which I spoke about before because it was me, was the dismissive avoidant attachment. So that's the I'm fine and you have issues. Twenty percent of people. It's literally just where you're scared of intimacy, you're afraid to get close to anyone, you don't want trust anyone, you only want to rely on yourself. You're very independent, you're basically emotionally unavailable, and you're attracted to people that
are emotionally unavailable. So that's that one. We've spoken about that a lot.
That was me.
The reason why people may have created a dismissive personality type is because they and they totally dismiss their feelings and they they what they do is they sometimes can't even understand why people feel so much. They are the type of person that, yeah, Britney sitting and pissing herself.
They're the type of person.
Where when you go to them and you are upset about something in your relationship and you're like, I need to talk about this, they don't want to talk about it. They make jokes to downplay your feelings, or they are just so avoidant of conflict because they can't actually understand or comprehend that you could feel so much about something.
They trivialize and downplay things well. And the reason for that and the attachment to that as a childhood attachment is coming from a family or having parental caregivers who don't attend to your needs. Basically, maybe when you're one, two, three year old you are emotionally upset about something.
You're crying.
You need to be cuddled and need to be loved and need to be given affection, need to be told I love you.
You're not having that met.
Maybe all of your food, your dietary requirements, your your house, like all of the other functional things are being met, but your emotional needs aren't being met. And without feeling like love and connection you as a child, that can be very, very traumatic. And what happens is that over time you start to downplay your own feelings.
You don't play into them, you don't.
Allow them to actually be real, and so over time you've created this defense mechanism to downplay feelings and like not value their importance, if that makes sense real.
I was like, I know what I'm saying, but deep it's just I'm laughing because even when I'm reading this now i'm looking at it on the screen and listening to you talk about it, I've just never felt so seen then this attachment style. Like when I was reading it, I've just never categorized myself so much. I've always just thought I was a bit different with my emotions. And when I saw it on paper, I was like it's actually a thing, and I'm actually that thing.
I'm actually that thing in that box.
There's this one statement that they put in this type of type of style to explain it. They often make jokes to avoid difficult conversations and feel anxious and trapped when a partner expresses feelings. Now, this could not be more accurate. I always have said, and I always do. My Bachelor finale is like estimate to this. When I'm uncomfortable or upset or feeling heightened emotions, I laugh and I joke.
And even when Nick was like, it's not you, you.
Just laughing, I'm laughing out. I laugh and I make jokes about it. And if you can look back at any interview or anything I've done, or even you guys know me on the podcast, like as soon as it gets two deep by like make a lull. But when I remember when I went and delivered this news to Sophie on my Bachelor finale, it was all very big.
She was bawling her eyes out, and I was in hysterics.
I couldn't stop laughing, and in my inside of me, I was like, stop laughing because people think you're nuts.
Like, people don't get it.
But that's how I deal with my heightened emotions and when I'm upset, like it was a cry laughing, I was crying because I was emotional, But I always.
Try and make light of a situation and like, but.
I think so many people will relate to this, like humor really is a coping mechanism for so many people. It's a way that we are able to not look like we're vulner especially women, like women, a lot of women.
And I'm guilty of this as well. I don't want to be vulnerable.
I don't want to seem like I'm weak or that I need someone to help me or fix me. And it actually took me a really long time to realize that there is power and vulnerability.
And I used to be the person as well.
That made a lot of jokes whenever I was upset about something because I wanted to be fine all the time.
Everything's fine. I'm the queen of using that word.
I'm fine, you're fine, we're fine, everything's fucking fine, to the point where some of my friends have genuinely banned me using the word fine because it's okay to not be fine. Struggle you actually you still say you say, oh, so fine, babe, so fine, you say all the time fine, and I was like, you're crying in the corner, naked, You're not fine. That was one time, Renie we said we never talked about in the podcast. It's not fine,
but totally like humor is a Coby mechanism. Humor is something that we used to deflect our emotions, and that's okay, there's nothing wrong with doing that, but it can be healthy to actually unpack what those feelings are and sit in feelings of well because, like I said, there is
real power and vulnerability. And when you are the person who is always fine, and you're the person who's always making jokes, you become the person who never gets help because people don't want to reach out and help someone who seems like they're always fine, they're always strong. And that's why it's really important to ask your friend who seems like the one who's always got the shit together and is always okay with every situation, if they're actually okay.
They probably aren't. Sometimes they may be naked in the corner and crying. It's funny. I've come a long way now.
I never ever ever told anyone I wasn't fine and I never cried to anyone, But now I've got a small group of people laws one of them that I'll just have my cry break down on the phone and I'll be like, I'm not okay. And it's been so helpful for me to have that group of people to do that too, and it's I think it's finally letting
me move in the right direction. So I think this is a really big thing, is to acknowledge that you're one of these things, that you're one of these styles, or that you have principles of one of these styles. Just to acknowledge that have a thing about it and and work towards getting out of that. So I think that's I've like, it's been a really big thing for me to be vulnerable, but I am, And that's I don't know, it's great.
Oh bloody great, No it is.
But even when you and I are crying on the phone sometimes, like we both do it, we'll be upset about something, but then we'll still be making jokes, like even in our deepest like in our tears, and then we're cracking up, but then we're still really sad, but like.
We can't just be sad. It's ridiculous.
But I guess like that also comes you know, when you're a really independent person, when you felt like you need to be the pillar of strength for yourself because you're like, well, no one else is going to do it.
Like that's that's the outcome of it.
And like we've said at the beginning of this, there's no right or wrong, there's no there's no bad way of being. You haven't done anything wrong. You're not broken, you're not deficient, you don't have issues just because you're you're not sitting in a secure attachment style, just because you have traits of all these other things. Like we've all been through some shit in our lives that's effect us in different ways. That's made us skeptical of relationships,
that's pushed us and pushed our boundaries. But it's really healthy to understand what those things are so that you can work towards becoming a secure attachment type. That's all this is. It's not about shaming anyone for sitting in a category or struggling with their emotions. And I know there's going to be loads of people who are listening to this episode who are like, oh, like, I'm totally fine. I have a totally normal attachment style. I had a
totally normal upbringing, and that's amazing. Like, there are people out there who have been super fortunate. There are people who have really fucked up childhoods. There are people who have really fucked up relationships, like you, Britt, like you know you are, Like, well, my childhood was great, but my first real relationship was so chaos, yeah, so messed up that it then totally rewired my ability to trust
or to feel love again. That's why I find this so interesting and so important because it allows you to identify what's happening in your life and make changes to have a better life.
That was fucking deep. That was deep. We're about to get deeper, all right, give me the last one. Number four.
It's fearful avoidant attachment. Now, this is like I'm fucked. You're fucked, We're fucked. It's fucked. Everything's fucked.
When the flaws on fire and flaws on fire. But this is also really important to know that this is the absolute minority.
There's five percent of people. Four percent. There we go, this is.
Four percent of people who actually had this as their predominant attachment style. And this is like this is some serious trauma shit. This is like you have had an extremely traumatic childhood and it takes years of therapy. There's also often substance abuse or abuse of other kinds that are involved in this attachment style.
So this is very rare, but it's very real. It's a really hard one for these people that are in this style because they're in this like constant conflict of what they want to need. They really really want to avoid relationships and are scared of it. But on the other sense, they're craving it and they want it and they don't want love, but they really really don't want to be alone too, so they don't there's no balance for them.
And I can't imagine.
This fight and storm that they would have in their mind because all they want is this need to be loved and secure, but they're so scared of it that they could think of nothing worse at the same time, Like, what do you do in that situation?
I think this is when it's.
Really really important to go and seek help, go and see a professional.
I don't think that sort of attachment style is something you can really work through on your own. I think if if the trauma is that deep, seated and like you want to feel loved, but you're so fearful of being loved that you lash out and push people away. Like that's when you have to go do some heavy lifting with a therapist. There's lots of stuff to unpack there, and there's lots of things about yourself and about your relationships that you have to talk through.
And like we said earlier, you can change your attachment style, you just have to a recognize it. So do the quiz. There are so many different quizzes.
There are ones that have like two hundred questions that are deep and they go into every aspect of your life, and then there are some that are like fifty questions. There are some that are twenty five questions.
We're going to put two of them in the details of this podcast anyway, So we both did a couple of them. One of them I found really great because it's like a very intense questionnaire that you can do. One of them is a little bit more top level, So we'll put them both in that way you can choose. But I also think like during this time of twenty twenty crazy COVID, this has been a real amplifier for relationships.
You know, this period of being in lockdown with your partner, this period of like working from home, spending all your.
Fucking hand together.
This is really really put the microscope in a lot of relationships, and for some of them it's galvanized. It's major relationships even better, it's made you absolutely certain that you are with and supported by the person you love. And then for other people it has really amplified the flaws and made you go, holy shit, like this, we've got some problems here, We've got some stuff we need
to work on. So do this attachment theory questionnaire and have these open conversations with your partner along with during the love languages is one as well from a few episodgo because that is bloody good.
Yeah.
So, just to summarize what therapists and psychologists do say to do if you do want to try and change your attachment style.
This is gonna sound like very obvious.
We've said it a lot, but it's obviously so important that every therapist always comes back to it. Number one is just identify your relationship patterns. Just look back at at what Laura was saying, Look back at your past relationships. Hers were all the same. They were all toxic. They were all because she was in a place of need not want. So go back to your past relationships and identify them. Assess your current and past attachment style. See if these patterns are still relevant now or.
If you slowly started to change.
And the big, big one, which seems so damn obvious but none of us do it enough, it's work on your self esteem. So it's super common characteristic across all of these insecure attachment styles.
To have low self esteem.
You just need to learn to embrace and love yourself and look after yourself first, be okay on your own And we say that so much, but it really really is so important to get to a place where you're happy with who you are, You're happy with where you're going, You're comfortable in your own space and your own time and your own thoughts, and.
From there a whole new world opens up.
And I think if we all sit back and be really, really honest with ourself, all of us at some point in time would have had issues with our confidence and self esteem and we probably still struggle with that now.
It fluctuates.
I mean I even think now like I feel like I got to a point where I was like, yes, I feel very self confident. I feel great about myself now that I'm thirty four, and I feel like in the last year I've aged about fucking seven hundred years in a year. There are days where I feel totally insecure again, Like, it's just I think it's that level
of having self love. It's dynamic, and you know, I'm so happy for the people who are like Buddha and feel enlightened and they've reached it, and not just on the superficial social media level that we see all the time where it's like love yourself, here's a photo.
Of my cellul lit.
I mean really actually experiencing and practicing self acceptance. I think it's very, very hard, and I think there's no shame in saying that. Sometimes sometimes you practice self acceptance times you feel insecure about things about yourself, and you know, it's dynamic, it shifts and you can you just have to work towards having that as more of a constant in your life. Actually, one thing that Brit put down Brit did the notes for today's episode, for every episode,
talking like every sixty episodes. I do the research too, Excuse me, Okay, So one thing that BRIT's written down here, which I actually really think this is great. You know, there's a lot of fruit through around self love and self acceptance.
There's a lot of.
Like woo, like love yourself no matter what, embrace everything, and like that's great.
But you know what, sometimes.
There's often so much self acceptance talk, especially on social media, that if you don't feel like you're at a point where you totally love yourself, it almost makes you feel worse that, like everybody else is so fucking in love with themselves and I'm not, so I love myself that much totally.
Like sometimes I have.
To switch off, totally switch off on mute people because I'm like this, this constant conversation about how accepting you are of yourself makes me feel like I'm not really winning because I'm like, some days I feel great and some days I still struggle with it.
And that's where I'm at.
Yeah, and that's okay, And that's when you know, to turn your social media for a day or two totally.
Well.
One of the things that BRIT's written down, which I think is actually really great, is instead of like standing in the mirror and telling yourself an affirmation that you don't really believe, like, you know, maybe you think you need to stand in the mirror and be like, I'm beautiful, I love myself, I'm worthy of love. You don't have
to say that. Why don't you start with something that's more about self neutrality and like actually accepting who you are, not loving yourself yet, but just having some acceptance and being like, you know, like I'm a good person, I am worthy of a relationship, I am worthy of being loved. Like that is enough to set you on the right path towards rewiring your brain and convincing yourself, and you know, step it up when you feel it. Having a good day, Yeah,
you look hot today, you look fucking hot. But on the days that you're not feeling that, be kind to yourself and be very conscious of your internal monologue and the words that you're using to discre yourself, because if they're not worse that you would use to describe your friend or somebody who you just met on the street, that, don't use them to describe yourself.
In terms of self neutrality.
Is that hey, you're saying it neutrality, neutral neutral reality, neutrality neutrality, Yeah, go for it.
Didn't roll off the tongue. I don't know if you're saying it right.
In terms of coming to self help talk with Britain Laura. In terms of self neutrality, one thing that I would say to myself and I still do say to myself is you deserve to be treated the way you treat others. I think that's a really good one because it's not I'm not pep.
Talking myself like, yeah, you look beautiful, you're hot, you've got this, you can win the world.
It's literally it's about this.
It's literally just about saying like, you deserve to be treated the way you treat other people. And I think it's just a really good one to reset your brain and your thought process and be like, no, you know what, I do deserve this and I don't have to sell for anything less. So I think that's a really good one to start with when we're talking about this, like look in the mirror thing, Yeah totally, so you don't even need a mirror.
You don't need a mirror.
And also like I and this has nothing to do with this episode, but I'm gonna say it anyway because I really really believe in it, Like your worth is not based on what you look like. And I think that there is times where we really need to get away from this idea that like, to be worthy and to be successful, you need to be atypically beautiful. Like that's bullshit. Your worth is not based in your beauty.
And we're all gonna get old, we're all gonna get saggy, we're all gonna get pigmentation, we're all gonna get wrinkles.
Like that pigmentation really there isn't it. That's my jam.
We all know that that's the one thing that gets me self conscious. But yeah, like we're all gonna get those things. And if your worth is based in how you look, then you're really going to struggle when that that goes. You know, when you're getting pitted against twenty year olds and you're in your late thirties, Like you need to work on having pillars of value that are not based on your looks, which is what social media does to us these days. So, like that is totally
off topic, but I'm pretty sure that's a topic. We should talk about it completely. The other day, I know I could go I was just about to launch into my own I was about to be like intelligent and human. This is about doing a three hour podcast and that's our whole week gone, guys on this podcast.
No, I think look, I think we've gone into it some pretty solid depth. I think we've covered a lot. The last thing I want to say, and we're not going to get into this because there's so much into it, but I just want to make you aware of it. These attachment styles can translate into your work life as well. So if you're having trouble at work, you're not progressing, or you're you're in charge and you're having trouble with other people, they can actually be bringing these attachment styles
into their work. And there's so much information on that and the internet, so I just wanted to flag that with you guys. It's just something you think about if
this triggers anything with you, one hundred percent. But also on top of that, it's not just like when we've been talking about romantic relationships, because obviously that's something that we focus so heavily on on this podcast, but it regards your friendships, in regards to your work, in regards to like how you communicate and build relationships on a day to day level, Like it's all It affects all types of attachments and all types of relationships big and small.
It's just that, you know, often the biggest relationship that we kind of have to deal with is a romantic one in our life. That can be like the flagship one that all the others kind of get compared against. Yeah, my biggest relationship is the one I have with food.
But and that's a healthy one. Thank you, Brittany, It's a solid one. Guys, thank you so much for tuning in.
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