Hi, guys, and welcome back to another episode of Life Undercut. I'm Brittany and I'm Ben. Well, there you go, Ben's here. Ben is in the house. So we are on our quote unquote Christmas break, but we never managed to do a full break, so we've been drip feeding some little extra episodes for you. And Ben was very excited to hear that you guys wanted him to guest host and ask gun cut.
God only knows why people want to have my opinion, but I'll try and do my best.
Well, we'll see how it goes. So we are recording this just before Christmas, just so you know you'll be listening to this. Christmas will be well and truly done. But tomorrow Ben and I are heading to Switzerland to see his family for Christmas and will be my very first home in Switzerland with Ben's family, meeting his friends in his hometown. I'm really excited.
Yes, So, as you might remember, I took my sister Sherry and her husband Jay before I even took you to my home time.
I do remember that we do.
Things a little bit different in our relationship, don't we.
Yeah, it was hard because obviously we don't have a normal relationship of sorts.
You were busy eating picnipples in the jungle, so you really take care.
Is that what it was?
Yeah, it was literally the first week of you being in a jungle.
I really drew the short straw. Yeah. So Sherry and Jay went back to Ben's hometown to say with his family and to meet his friends and see where Ben rup before I did. So I feel like I'm finally playing catch up and we're going to be spending Christmas with his family. So we are going to do an ask Gun cut from some questions that you guys wrote in. Some are just general asking cuts, some were specifically for Ben to answer so that there was a male perspective.
And even when I do ask gun cuts back home a lot of the time, if it's, you know, from a male's perspective, I will ask Ben or I'll run Ben through so I can get both sides of the story, you know, Because at the end of the day, Laurie and I can always give our opinions based off experience and relationships and the knowledge we've learned along the way. But I think it's always really important and nice to have a perspective from a man. So I often run questions by Ben and.
I did recognize some of my opinions on the pods.
Well, I do believe it or not value your opinion? Ben?
Yeah, normally get a quick FaceTime called quick, Quick, Quick, tell me what you think?
How many times to you master?
Quick?
Quick? Do you watch porn? Quick?
He's not going to answer, she's lying.
But before we get into the questions, we did get quite a few questions coming in just about how it's been seeing each other again, our plans for the future, wedding plans, kid plans.
How a wedding plans?
Going Hey, yeah, that's a good question, Ben, How our wedding plans.
It's a question for you because because you don't know, I do know, but I feel like you have the right to veto, so I feel like it's better asking you.
All right, let's do an on the spot quick. I'm going to ask you three questions about our wedding and you are going to have five seconds.
To answer them generous.
If you don't answer them because you don't know the wedding plans, then you have to get me a surprise. Okay, all right, this is going to be a disaster. What date is our wedding it is two. Oh my god, it's wrong. You just got that wrong.
It's the wrong month, but it's the right date.
Oh okay, well I'll see you in the wrong month. I can't believe you, okay. Question two, what is the name of our catering company?
I've oh, I want to say two yes.
With one second. I didn't think you were going to get that no. I mean if there's anything you don't date, but you know the food.
I know all the details that aren't important.
How do you know the food company and not the date of our wedding?
I don't know if the name just stuck in my head.
Well that's the thing. You don't even know what're eating? Knife picked it all.
Right, Well you had the luxury of eating it all, so I wouldn't know.
I did it all.
And Keisha, for that manner, was taking husband duties that day.
We did go on a food tasting bender and BALI. Question three, what's the name of my wedding dress designer?
I want to say something with Khalil, but I'm not sure. I'm not sure it's very famous, though.
Please lock your answer in.
It's doing a great job putting up with you.
We're half right, Khalil, Stephen Khalil.
There you go. That counts all right.
I'm going to give you one bonus question. Yeah, what's the name of our wedding planner, Amelia? Where does she work?
Love and last? No, not love and lust.
I actually was expecting you to be so bad at our wedding.
Planning something with love love.
No, that's incorrect.
Easy weddings, Easy weddings. Oh my god, what's the other one?
Lost in love?
Yeah, hello, easy weddings, Amelia. You're doing a great job.
This is a disaster.
Although I don't know where you work, you're doing a great job.
Okay, Well, you're definitely getting me a surprise now because you're turning up to our wedding a month late.
Yeah, that would be an issue.
Okay. So we've just had Sherry and Jay staying with us for a week and baby Maya.
Yeah, so cute.
She is tiny. So we have just a two bedroom flat here. It's very small, and we're all together for the week.
I think it's quite big, to be honest.
Ben has I mean, you've never held a baby like that, You've never been around a new born baby like that. You didn't know anything about it. You tried to give her fanter.
No, it didn't. It was you.
Tried to give her a full meal, Like does she need food?
I didn't know that babies can't drink water. It's baffling to me. I did not know that. I thought water is the essence of all life and we all need water, and well we do.
Except babies get it from breast milk. Because breast milk is so incredible, I know.
But a little water doesn't harm, does it?
Well, I don't know. I just not allowed to have it.
Wow, my mistake.
Well, the question is has it changed, Like, how do you feel about kids now? Because everyone knows that we've been a bit confused, a bit on the fence, been unsure of our future for a multitude of reasons if we can even have them, or if we want them, or when we want them, or how it's going to work. How do you feel after we spent a week with a baby?
Well, disclaimer, I haven't changed any nappies, so no.
There was one exploiting period that went out to her neck on that was.
Yeah, I haven't changed any nappies. So I guess if all the babies, newborns are like Maya, it would be a dream. She hardly cried. She was very easy going, such a happy, happy little toddler, happy little baby.
It's not a toddler yet.
Well see that shows how much I know.
A happy little.
Yeah, happy little squid. Then it makes me think that, you know, with the Hockley jeans and everything, everything will be fine and it will not be difficult to have a baby. But obviously well aware that it can be very stressful, especially you do know I like to sleep I like to sleep in. And we did say if we do have kids, then I will take the late night shift and you will take the early morning shift because you're a morning person.
But does it make you want a baby? Did she make you one?
It didn't make me not want one. That's the most ben answer ever. Yeah, we've done this process to have kids, so yes, we want to have kids. If they're like Maya, then yeah, we can have a kid right now to choose if we can, we put this in somewhere that we want a kid like Maya.
Disclaimer mostly that's not correct.
No, we're probably going to have twins. You know my theory about this, well, it's not.
A theory because IVF you have double the chance of twins with IBF, and Ben really wants twins, so he wanted the fertility doctors to put like twenty five Embrews in me. He's like, put them all in.
She said, look, if you IVF, your chances of having twins doubles. So in my head it's like, yeah, from twenty five percent to fifty Like what a result, Like surely this will happened, And she goes, no, calm down, man, it's from two to four percent. Yeah. I was like, well, I'll take the extra two percent. Then twins will be hectic. I feel good about kids. I feel good about kids. Yeah, how do you feel?
I mean, yeah, I agree. She's definitely a unicorn baby. That makes you think that like, oh my god, piss cake, I could do this dream job, Like if I get this little cute munchkin attached to me, that is a dream boat. Doesn't cry, doesn't she sleeps eleven hours through the night.
Amazing.
But I also it is a stark reminder too. It was a stark reminder of how much things change, like how everything was more difficult. Yeah, like even though she's a great.
Child, everything till longer.
Everything takes longer. Just getting out of the house takes longer. Trying to have a shower is harder because you've got to find someone else to take her in that time, and they change your life. So it's not that I wouldn't be able to adapt to that, it's just trying to find out when you think that you're going to be ready for that. And I think my problem is I'm never going to think that I'm ready. I'm never going to say, yes, now's the time to drop a bomb of my life.
I don't think anybody is and knows when they are ready, you know, like there's always a little bit of doubt or there's always something that's like, oh, maybe you know. But what I do understand now is when people say that, like the laugh I have for Maya, this little cute little baby is you know, through the roof, and when parents say, you know, it's one of the greatest things in the world, but you're also so bloody tired, Like
I understand it. Like she was in the room next door and she slept for eleven hours, and then.
Ben was still tired.
He's like, wow, I was on uncle daycare and I was like, oh, I'm going to hand her back. Oh A, it's just I am clueless. Like I said, I would have fed a water or fantaut or given a piece of my pizza or whatever. So it was just like, you can't do this, you can't do that.
It's a learning curve. But I think I biggest problem too, is if we lived together. I believe it would be an easier decision and we should probably be doing it now for sure, But we don't live together. We're obviously aware of that, and we're aware that we don't know when we'll be together, which means it's really hard, especially with IVF, because we have to literally book in the day and go in and say, today's the day, let's hope that this works, and then in nine months we'll
have a baby. So when you're planning it like that, you have to plan everything else around your life as well, which we don't have. We don't have the plans to be together yet, as much.
As we want to be, we're not quite there yet.
We're not there yet. Our careers working on it, We're trying, Yeah, we're working on it. Our careers and our life don't yet align with that. And you know, we're getting married and then two days later we have to go Wow, actually one night we actually only oh we get one night together after our wedding, and then Ben flies back to training and I have to fly back to work in Australia. So we don't even get the honeymoon. We get no time to other except for that week of
our wedding. Yeah, which is yeah, I mean that's a stark reminder for people as to just how hard this is and how our lives are not yet in a place for a family because I don't want I personally and neither is Ben. But I don't want to have a baby and you not be there. I don't want to be doing it alone as like a single mom in Sydney.
I definitely want to be a present, a present dad and be there for you like that time. It was so important for me to be there for you when you had your IVF round and you had your little procedure and.
You had your ejaculation into how less we forgot.
Yeah, yeah, it was just really important for me to be there to show my support for you because you know, it did feel like you got the bad end of the stick, you know, got the bad end of having a little procedure done, and you were in pain and all the injections you applied and all that kind of stuff. So all I had to do was was show up and masturbate. Yeah, masturbate and give my little swimmers and
so did the rest. So but I definitely want to be there for you and be there for our potential babies.
We do want that part of our life. And to be honest, seeing you with Maya was definitely like an overyting sexy dad. You went the dad looking and dad, but seeing you with her did get over is tingling for sure, because I think that's what you You always wonder what your partner is going to look like or be not look like, Sorry, will my partner be a deal?
You wonder what they're going to be like as a parent, And I think that that's a big part of making decisions too, on like if you want to have kids, and I feel like maybe with a bit of training and a bit of education, so you don't feed that two month d a steak, you'll be a great dad.
Thank you, You're welcome, thank you, and you'll be a great mom.
All right, thank you. I should get into the questions, Yes, let's do it. Question number one. Okay, I think you're going to have a strong opinion about this. My husband and I have a six month old baby. I'm a stay at home mum and he works full time. I make dinner every night, which is always hard cooking with a baby, as my husband doesn't get home until six point thirty, right when we're about to eat. Last night, I made dinner like usual, and in conversation I said, so,
do you like it? And he responded, that's all right, But he said in a way where I knew that he really wasn't impressed. This offended me as I put a lot of effort in whilst juggling our baby. I just don't think he understands I would have been happy with just toast for dinner, but I put the effort in for him. He thinks it's okay to be honest and that he thought dinner was just okay. So he
told me, hey, it's just okay. My question is, if someone makes you something such as dinner, is it okay to be honest and say you didn't really like it? Or should you just be appreciative that someone put the effort in and say, yeah, it was good, even if you don't think it was that good. I asked him, Hey, if you were at our friend's house, would you say that you didn't really like what they made you? Or would you pretend? And he said no, of course I wouldn't.
But this is our home, and I think it's best to be honest with you. What do you think?
Then? Wow, A big question to start with.
The real serious his topics to start.
I think we all know that we have different conversations at our own house than we do have at other people's houses. Right, But it reminds me remember when I tried to replicate a dish for you, and I still don't know if you liked it to this day, And I asked you, I said, do you like your dish? And you gave me like a yeah, it's fine. And I was thinking, I'm not quite sure if you like if you like it what I've made for you, and I think, to this day, I'm not quite sure what I should make it again.
And you were wildly offended.
Yes, yes, I was.
It hurt your feelings that I said, yeah, it's fine.
Yeah, also a little bit of pride because I pride myself on making good meals for you and You've not not liked anything I ever made, So I was like, oh, okay, I guess it stops with beta then. Yeah.
But to be fair, I don't ever cook. You have cooked for me. I've cooked for you once since the day we met, in like over two years now.
With my recipe.
Yeah, And it's just the way our relationship is. That's not because I'm lazy. I try to cook. You don't want me to like, you love it. You cook everything. So I think if I can one time in all of that time say that I liked it but didn't love it, I think that that's genuinely okay in this situation. I think it's okay that your husband is honest. To be fair, there's no point pretending. Maybe early on in the relationship, like you've just started dating, you're really really
fresh into dating, You've made a huge effort. I think in that situation you just probably lie a little bit. You're like, yeah, thank you so much. It was delicious, But I'm just fool I just can't eat anymore. But at this point, you guys are married, you have a baby. Him not liking your food, I don't think he's connected with him not appreciating that you did it. He can still appreciate that you have gone to the effort to
cook it, but just doesn't genuinely like the taste. I don't think that that has to be offensive to you. I guess it depends how he says it and the reason he says he doesn't like it. But you don't want to when you're married. You don't want to pretend that you like something and then for the rest of your life have to fake that you like it, because you'll continue to cook that meal. Now if he's.
Faked it, Yeah, I agree. I think you know, we don't know what happened at work. Maybe it's had a bad day at work or whoever, and you certainly have to be appreciative of another person making a meal not just for you, but it's for the family, you know, Like like she said, she has a six months old at home.
So yeah, but the six month I was not in mistake.
Yes, but it's part of you know, looking after your family. And I mean we've had our lovely niece here for a couple of days. It was more hectic than I thought it would be, So you know, the partner definitely has to be appreciative of the effort that's been made.
Would you rather that I told you if you made me something.
Yeah, because I'm making it because I think you would like it, and then you don't like it or it's not your taste, and then you're better off knowing. And I think you have to take this not as criticism rather than just as okay, just the other person just doesn't like it, and that's okay.
Yeah. And I think if you're reverse it, if your husband cooked something for you that you really didn't like, would you tell him, like I think it's the way you deliver it.
Yeah, absolutely, just the way you say it, and I.
Just tell him. I would just tell him I feel like you don't appreciate me, and then you can go from there, like I feel like you don't appreciate me. If you really just didn't like the meal, that's okay, Like we can talk about it. But it was the way you said it, and I just you know, you're both obviously very stressed. It's not easy being at home with a baby as well, So I don't want to say maybe you're more offended than you should be.
I think it depends on how often this has happened. You know, if it's just every night, then he's just not appreciated. If then I think it's more of a thing of him not being appreciative of you making the effort to cook. But if it's just a once off or once every now and then, then I think it's okay.
All right. Should my friend tell her new boyfriend the reason that her and her ex husband split up, the reason being she cheated on her husband. This new couple have been together now for six months, and she still hasn't told him, and I'm doubting that she ever will. I think this is crazy because eventually going to find out, you know, how she gets around. It's not that big of a town, and I think he will be pissed off that she wasn't honest with him from the start.
The question is, do you have to divulge the reasons that you broke up with an ex partner and if you did the wrong thing. This is an interesting one.
I think naturally, when you start to get to know somebody, you maybe discuss previous relationships and you ask questions of maybe how that went, maybe to get a feeling of how that person is in the relationship. My initial thought was it's probably not up to the friend to disclose this information to the partner, just because I think you shouldn't be getting too much involved in other people's relationship. Although you might mean, well, well, I.
Don't think she's asking should she tell them. I think she obviously believes that her friend needs to say it. Yeah, a friend, think she doesn't need to tell him that she's cheated. So I think she's writing to ask more to ask is she right in thinking that she should tell her or is she out of line thinking that you have to disclose this previous information.
I think if they're good friends, they can definitely have a conversation and say, hey, this is what I'm thinking. I think this could become an issue. I'm just looking out for you. You know, is there any particular reason why you haven't brought it up or are you going to bring it up? And you know, should you maybe wait because it is the relationship going to be very serious or not? I think that's also something to consider.
I think personally it should naturally come up in a conversation between a couple, a new couple getting to know each other.
But the question is do you think it matters going into a new relationship? What someone has done in the past.
I think it does matter. You don't have to disclose your past and your past relationships, but I think if you go into a new relationship with honesty, and I think that goes a long way, and it could be a great discussion point, because cheating is not necessarily black and white and you're wrong and you're right, and it can definitely be a tricky conversation to have, but if you have it, you might come out the other side in a better way or better understanding of your person
that you're getting to know.
I think people just think that, well, for me, cheating isn't as simple as like a leopard can't change its spots. You know, once you've cheated, you're always a cheater. I don't think that that's true at all. You don't have to disclose any part of your past to a new relationship that you don't feel comfortable disclosing or you don't want to disclose, But I think you need to use your discretion as to what is the right thing to bring into that relationship.
Do you think it will be a problem if he eventually finds out and then that usual sentence comes up, why didn't you tell me from the beginning. Do you think that's going to be That.
Would be my worry in this situation. Yeah, And I think you're better off to speak about that kind of thing, because I'm sure he has asked you. This is the other question. I'm sure he's asked you, Hey, why did your marriage end? Like, why did your marriage break down? That's a pretty normal question when a marriage has broken down and you're starting to date someone else. So I'm wondering what she has said in that situation.
Yeah, if you don't disclose it in that moment, the other person probably feels a little bit late to well.
Yeah, and if you think that they're going to find out down the track, it's always better to tell the truth at the start. It's always better to come from you than somebody else.
But that's also not to say that the person will cheat again exactly.
That's what I mean. A leopard. I believe can change at spots. Once you've cheated. It doesn't mean you're always going to be a cheaterdh doesn't mean you're always going to be a fuck with, doesn't mean you can't be trusted. You don't know the situation surrounding that cheating. You don't know what was happening in that relationship that made somebody do that. I think that's the really important thing, is
to have those open conversations and discuss the why. Like, if you had cheated on someone in the past, Ben, that wouldn't stop me from dating you, but I would want to know why, yeah, and how you feel about it, and how you feel about cheating and would you do it again, and all of those kind of things. But if I found out four years down the track that you cheated on your ex wife, yeah, I'd be pretty
pissed off that I didn't have that information. It's tricky because at the end of the day, it's very obvious you want to do like the right thing for your friend. I think you're trying to protect her from the future, a future fallout. All you can do is have the conversation with her and say it's highly likely that eventually
this information will get back to him. You know, I'll support you whatever you want to do, but I think it's better for you to get this out in the open now and just explain why, explain why it happened. But you can't really do anything else on that. At the end of the day, you're protecting your friend, but it's not your business.
Yeah, it's not your relationship.
This is another question that came directly in for Ben's perspective. I have known this guy for five years and he's been there through breakups, graduation, my mum's cancer, and recently my mum's passing and funeral. My mum loved him and he promised her that he would protect me. He's always so active in my life and helping everywhere possible. Since all this has happened, I now think that I'm falling for him, but he says he sees me as nothing
but a sister. He's thirty and I'm twenty four. For context, Am I just wasting my time? Or is there something that I can do? Second part of the question also, Britt, how do I get rid of the feeling as I feel the guy should always pursue you and not the other way around.
Oh God, this is hard.
Yeah. Firstly, you're obviously going through a really tough time, so I'm really sorry that you've just lost your mum. Horrific and I can't imagine what that's like. I know she said this is specifically for you, Ben, but I have feelings.
This is tough because you've sort of opened up to him and said how you feel, which is probably a big step, and especially with the past that you two have, that he's always been there for you, and I'm guessing you have been there for him as well if there was any issues in his life. So there's definitely a different kind of connection than maybe just a friendship. It's a hard one because obviously he doesn't feel the same
way and that probably stings a little bit initially. Is there hope, Yes, there's always a little bit of hope. I think how I would handle the situation is probably I would maybe distance myself a little bit from him and kind of get in that mode of out of sight, out of minds, and if your feelings are still there for him, then you never know what's going to happen. He might turn around, you know, a couple of weeks or a months down the road and says, hey, I
thought about what you said. You never know if the other person's going to do that. But you obviously don't want to lose the friendship. So if you can, and if you feel that you can, you should definitely keep a good friendship going. But it's obviously disappointing that the other person hasn't expressed the same feelings romantically as you have to him.
And so do you truly think that if someone has said you're like a sister to me, that they can then change their form feelings.
I think it can change. I think it's maybe similar than having friends with benefits, where you're romantically involved but sort of with a guard and a distance to it. I mean, there are definitely people out there who started off as friends and then you know the usual story off, we've been friends since high school, and.
I am going to have a very different opinion to you.
Ben, don't be shocked.
Well, I don't agree. But the reason I think that this is different, and this is be hard for you to hear, but I don't think he has an interest in you like that at all, and I don't think that he will. And the reason I say that, of course, there is a chance he can. No one can ever rule anything out. The reason I say that is because you aren't friends with benefits that you know you haven't been hooking up. But from all accounts, you've never hooked up.
He's always just been a figure that's been there to look after you. So it's not like it's been a friends with benefits or it's been romantic and you're trying to say, hey, let's be more serious. You guys have had a relationship where he has told you that he looks at you like a sister, He protects you like a sister, he wants to continue to look after you and be there for you like a sister. I think it's very hard to transition from that to romantic when
he says that that's how he feels. It's different one hundred percent. If he just said, oh, I just think we're really good friends, I would say, hey, yeah, like they could be hoped, because friendships do change. But the fact that he used like a sibling as his descriptor for you and your relationship makes me think that he
has categorized your relationship into a completely different box. And I know that's not what you want to hear, and maybe that will change, but I think you do have to listen to what he has said.
I definitely don't think she should be hanging around and trying to make an effort to eventually make this happen. Definitely not. You should live your life and you know, sort of move on, try and move on mentally, which is obviously very very hard, especially since you just opened up. You know, I'm very literal, so when you said is the hope, I would obviously say, yes, there's always hope.
Yeah, Benny's very very little.
But should you be hanging around and continue to make an effort and you did mention the thing of male pursuiting the female and stuff, No, you shouldn't because I think you're going to drive yourself crazy if he's never going to give you the same feeling back that you have for him. So I think you're just going to make life a little bit more harder for yourself.
Yeah. I don't want to be out of place here because I haven't been in your situation. I haven't lost a parent and I haven't been going through the absolute grief and heartbreak that you would be going through now. But we have spoken to enough people over the years to try to understand the overwhelming feelings and confusion that can surround grief. I want you to ask yourself and think about this. Could there be a level of confusion in your feelings because you are in the depths of grief.
You have just lost your mum and there is this person there that is looking after you and has said that they will continue to look after you and almost be your night and shining armor. And it's amazing that he's doing that. Everyone deserves to have that kind of a person. But I do wonder if you've never had those feelings before and those feelings are coming out now, they very well could be real. They absolutely could be like, Wow, you've been right in front of me all this time.
But it also could be a lot of confusion because you have lost someone really important to you and that someone has showed up saying, hey, I'll be here for you, you know. So I do wonder, and only you can answer that if you think that these feelings could have come at this time because of everything else that's going on in your life and the tumultuous emotions that you know I can only imagine are completely engulfing you all
day every day. It's hard because you don't want to completely distance yourself from this person because they are there for you and you do need the support and they were obviously a really important person to you, But you do need to give yourself enough space if you think you're falling for them and they've said that they're not. So it's a bit of a balancing act because you need to maintain the friendship. You don't want to drive
him away. You don't want to lose it. You know, you don't want to be driven away yourself because you need that support. But there is a part of me that says, well, you have put it out there for now, and he has told you how he feels, and you can't. Unfortunately, as much as you try, you can't change someone's feelings or thoughts about you by pushing harder. It's impossible. It just won't happen.
It's an uphill battle.
The second part of the question is about you know she feels like, yeah, she feels like the guy should always pursue you and not the other way around. That women, you know, should be the object of desire and know the male should always be the one that shows up and puts in the work and shows the interest. And whilst that is like a wonderful, beautiful fairy tale.
I don't know. I I don't think that's I mean, I have pursued you pretty strongly because I was wild, but I know it's not always that way.
No, I think absolutely not. I think you need to go after what you want. Those days are done, and in fact, those days never existed for me. Every person that I have ever had any relationship with, whether that's long term or dated or situationship, I've gone after like if I've been interested in them, I go after them.
With you, it was different then, just because you're on the other side of the world, and like I showed my interest heavily, Yeah, but I just didn't think that it'd be anything there, So I probably didn't pursue you as much as if you lived here. If you lived in the same country, I would have pursued you hard up.
There was definitely enough from you that made me feel like, oh, she's really interested, and there's probably enough from me that made you feel it's really pursuing me. So it's if both people pursue each other to a certain extent, then you know the interest is real.
I definitely made out hook up happen for sure, Like we hooked up that first night because I was interested in you and I wanted it to happen. Yeah, I think gone of the days, and you can tell me what you think. Gone are the days of women having to wait around for men Like those days were over decades ago.
In my opinion, they're also shy men like me.
Well, this is the question, are you adverse in any capacity? Does it put you off in any capacity when a woman approaches you, or are.
You like, thank god, no, absolutely. Yeah. Sometimes it's like she's really cute, but you don't have the courage to go up to her or whatever the situation is, and you're like, oh, she's actually doing me a favor by being forthcoming and maybe making the first step or whatever. So that's definitely a nice sign. Maybe she thinks exactly the same. She's like, I wish this guy would come up to me, and you don't, or imagine what could
happen if you do. Because we choked about this where if we just met out in a bar or somewhere, I'm not the type of guy would just come up to you. You said to me, like, I, if I met you, I would have hoped you would come up to me. You would give me signals and stuff like that.
So well, that's the craziest I probably.
Wouldn't pick them up.
But no, you wouldn't pick them up. But that's that's the crazy thing, right, Like we're getting married, but if we met in the wild at a bar, we probably nothing would have happened. We would have well, I mean I might have come and talked to you. I would have given you some wings across the bar.
It depends how many margaritas you've had.
But it's crazy to think that just because of that, Because people are too shy, they don't shoot their shot. And that's why I say to everybody, shoot your shot. We're getting married, and we wouldn't have even spoken if we met in the wild. You've got nothing to lose it. This is what I think when women are like I'm too shy, or I don't want to ask, or what if he says no? My answer is always who cares? If he says no? Who cares?
If they say no, It won't be your first, they won't be your last. Know.
It's also not personal, right, especially if it's in the early days and it's you don't know them right, you're out, you've seen someone that tickles your fancy, gets your juices flowing, and you're like, hey, they're pretty cute. What do you have to lose If they're not interested in nothing? You don't know them, They don't know you, You don't know their situation, it doesn't matter if you only have something to gain. And I think that is in every situation.
I say this to people, and Laura and I have had these discussions so many times. You have to put out what you want, whether that's in a job like in your work or something that you're going after, friends, relationships, sex. It doesn't matter. Put out what you want because if you don't, your answer is one hundred percent no. But if you do, there is a chance that you will
get something that is incredible. Now that I've raised my points, Ben, do you still think that if a man has put someone in a category of like a sister, that can change.
Yeah, it can change because whether he just thinks initially I was maybe a little bit scared, or I didn't know she felt that way, maybe I have given her certain signals that made her feel in a certain way, or maybe I do need to distance myself from this intimate friendship, or maybe well, actually she's right, we would make a nice couple, or we share so many things already, we see things the same way, like you just never know what develops from that.
And just to give a perspective from the other side, I don't want to say this to give you false hope at all. But there is a small chance that maybe he just doesn't want to enter anything now because of the situation that you're in. He might be well enough in tuned with how the world works and emotions to know that it's not the right time to have those conversations when you're in the depth of grief as well. Next question is about long distance. Now, this was very long, so I've surmised.
It, surmised, summarized. Who was the native English?
I think you can say surmarized it. I've summarized it. This is a long question, so I have summarized it. I've been in a long distance relationship for three years. He lives in Europe, so I feel like this is why she's read.
It's very simp fitting.
Yes, yeah, he lives in Europe. We haven't seen each other in four months, and I made a big mistake. I cheated on him on a night out. I didn't sleep with them, but I kissed somebody. I don't want anything. I'm never going to do it again. I feel extreme guilt. Do I tell my partner. I'm worried that if I tell him, he'll end it with me. But I know I'm never going to do it again, and I want to spend my life with him. What do I do this?
Clem?
Yeah, I'm really torn because.
There's literally no good answer.
No, I mean there is. I guess we should be saying to tell him to be honest in a relationship. That's the answer, right, That's that's the answer that you put on paper. I feel like it's probably what a psychologist would say. It's probably the right thing to say, is honesty is.
Probably always the better choice. But but it's so hard, very very difficult situation.
Make this our situation. All right, We've been together, we haven't seen each other in months, I kissed someone. Would you rather me tell you and it possibly, you know, cause this rift or ruin things or we break up or whatever it is. Or if you know and I know I'm never ever, ever, ever going to do it again? Would you rather it just was never brought up?
The question isn't on me, The question is on you.
If you should tell I'm asking you. Would you rather have not known so that the relationship can continue, knowing you know, like I know, it's never gonna happen again. Would you rather have me have dumped that on you and said I kissed someone, and then you've always got that thought.
I think, because it's just a kiss, probably think I'd rather not know. And if you feel like, oh, if you know, like you're never going to do this mistake again, and it might do more damage telling than it would not telling and opening up. But yeah, because especially with the long distance, the way to hash this out is going to be extremely difficult, especially if you don't see each other for another four months. Right, So it's like.
A part of you that thinks it's not worth the disruptions the rest of your life.
Yeah, it's a hard one because it's just a kiss. But a kiss can actually mean so much. When you kiss somebody, you think you initially know whether the person is for you or not.
Oh that was deep. Yeah, Well I think she knows the person she kiss wasn't for her. I think long have they been together, like three years or something.
Yeah, I mean that sounds like a pretty solid relationship. So you probably take that one to the grave. Take it to the grave, never speak of it, don't tell anyone, don't tell a friend. Yeah.
I feel really guilty saying this because I've always wanted to know the truth and I've always said I think honest is the best policy. And I almost think I'm going to give you advice that people are not going to agree with. If it's really going to hurt him and crush him and you know you're never going to do it again, and you know what was the biggest mistake, and you just feel so much guilt, then I probably I probably wouldn't tell him and do that to him.
I would just continue to be the best person you can be in that relationship and really up for him. Even as I say that out loud, I feel a bit guilty because.
It's so fifty fifty, it's.
So fifty to fifty. But I feel like I need to give you advice one way or the other. If you think that your relationship could be over because of what you did, if there's no way for him to ever find out, and I even feel guilty saying that, but if there's any inkling that he can find out, if you have shared friends, if people saw it, if anyone else knows, then you need to tell him absolutely, because if it comes from someone else laid down the track,
it's going to be devastating and ten times worse. But if it's like you're in a different city and no one knew, and there's no way for anyone to find out, and this guy's a stranger that you don't even know. Then I probably wouldn't I wouldn't risk it, but I would spend the rest of my life being an amazing person and I would never do it again. And if you ever cheat again, then you either are in the wrong relationship or you do need to tell him. And I know people are going to thoroughly disagree.
With that you canceled.
Well, I just think like you're going to completely blow up someone's life and your own for something that you think is like a really big mistake. And that's why I wanted to ask you what you would rather ben, if you'd rather be take that to the grave. Laura and I have had this discussion many times, sometimes on
the podcast, sometimes just in person. We both agree the same kind of thing if our partner had just if this was reversed and you had just kissed someone one night, didn't know them, never want to see them again, felt so guilty, loved me, want to spend your life with me. I wouldn't want to know. I would not want to know because that stays in that relationship forever. But if you slept with someone, absolutely that's a whole different kettle
of fish that you need to be talking about. I mean, at the end of the day, obviously it's up to you, that's a no brainer. But I would just be trying to show up now and be the best person you can be and work on you know, figure out why you did it in the first place. Is obviously a reason that you did it. Maybe that's what needs looking at. If there is a bit of a hole in the relationship, or is it just that you're I hate to say it, but you haven't seen them in months or a bit lonely,
and that's thinking, not that that's an excuse. You know, Ben and I we only saw each other for a week in the last six months. And I would never cheat on you, and assuming you would never cheat on me. But yeah, it's really tricky and people are going to hate us for saying that, but I'd be taking that onto the grave. So I've been seeing this guy off and on for a year, and last night he asked me if I wanted to be his girlfriend. I've been searching for love for years now, so this should have
made me the happiest girl ever. He's very into me. He has told me and shown me so much. The thing is, he's eight years younger than me. Get a girl. I've reached an age where I hope my next partner is my last. I want to have kids and times a ticken. You know how it is. I like him, We get a long grade. We have similar goals and values. But I guess my question is is he too young? And how do you know?
I feel naturally in your mid twenties, the age gap can be more of a problem in terms of the other person being more mature and having more life experience. I think when you're you know, let's say the person's eighteen and you're eight years older, those eight years, I think are much more significant in your how you developed as a per and a character, how you see life, what you've already experienced in life. If you're sort of in your mid thirties, I don't think it's that big
of an age gap. Our age gap is not eight years, but it's still five years. It's five years. It's still for some people quite a significant age gap. If we were dating and I was eighteen and you were twenty three. I think we would look at it differently. I think you should give it a goal.
I think age is only a problem. If age is a problem. If it's not a problem, it's not a problem. And that seems so basic, but it's true. Everyone grows and matures at a different point. Everyone wants different things at different ages. If he is showing up and being everything that you want him to be and he wants the same things, if you guys are on the same timeline, then it genuinely doesn't matter. At the end of the day.
It is a number. But if he is saying, hey, I really like you, but i'm know when you're ready to have kids yet, and you know that you are, then then that's when it's a problem. People put a lot of emphasis on age and numbers, and I genuinely don't get it. I don't think it matters.
No, I agree how mature you are, how you see things. And we always joke, remember when we looked at each other's pictures from like ten years ago and we thought, oh, we would have never dated each other.
Man, what does that go to? It has nothing to do with anything. Yes, I know you wouldn't have dated me when I was twenty five, I had a glow up and so.
Did you yes? Or did I string me? But I think the kids conversation is you've just sort of started out in this relationship. So I feel like the kid's conversation is definitely one to half. But I don't think it's the one where you're going to have to have the answer immediately.
Oh, I disagree.
No.
The thing is you guys haven't said your age is here, but you have said times ticking and I want kids and I need my next relationship to be It's which makes me think maybe your late twenties, early thirties. I don't know, that's that's my guess. So I do think that that conversation matters because it matters to her, Like you are literally deciding now if you want to be his girlfriend officially because you want kids and you're worried
about that. He has asked you to be his girlfriend officially, meaning he has that interest and he wants something serious with you. Ask him say hey, before I commit to this. You know, the age gap isn't the hesitation, but our timeline of what we want could be. Where are you at? How do you feel about kids? When do you see them in your future? Would you see them with me? There's nothing wrong with explaining what you want. And you know,
like Ben and I are five years difference. Sorry Ben, but my ex relationship Jordan, he and I were seven years difference. And just as an example, when he and I started dating, I was about to freeze my eggs for the first time because I was significantly older than him. He was mid twenties, and I was like, you know what, this is where I am at in my life. I'm just going to be honest and if he's not at
that point then then that's fine. But I'll just tell him and he can do what he wants with information. And he thought it was great. There was nothing wrong that he was twenty six years old. I was in my thirties early thirties, and he was like, yeah, go for it, Like, let's do that. It doesn't mean we're going to have kids right now, but if we thought that there was a future he was mature enough. The number didn't mean anything. He was at a different point
of his life. And the same thing has happened with you, Ben, Like you're five years younger than me. We froze eggs embryos together within six months, so like, you know, we literally had I'm pretty sure it was six months, which is so early when you think about it, but not early when you know, and not early when the timeline suits us.
I think that's what I was trying to say. That's like you have to have the kids conversation, but it's not like you don't have to have the answer straight away, Like we still don't have the answer, and we're getting married and we're two years in and we still don't know three frozen babies, yeah, and we still don't know how and when are we going to do this? I think because you've already been sort of dating for a year and he's now officially asked you to be his girlfriend,
he will be ready for this conversation. And if he's not ready for this conversation about kids, then you know, maybe you should rethink whether you're going to be officially a couple.
I think you'd be crazy to lose out on the potential of your person and a great relationship because of a number, because of how old he is. So be upfront, don't be afraid to have the conversation, to tell him what you want, what you're after, what you're looking for and just let him respond however he wants to respond, and you can make your decision based off that. But what I can say is it's a good life being a cougar. Well, that is it from us, guys. We have to get out of here. We have to go
and get a plane to Switzerland. Thanks for getting on the podcast, Ben. I know it's not your probably your favorite thing to do.
It makes me appreciate how difficult your and Laura's job is, and I probably should get better at it. If people want me to come back from well, we.
Don't know if they will now. Well, guys, hope you enjoyed the rest of the holiday season. We're going to be back with regular programming a bit of different programming very very soon. But in the meantime, Ben, don't forget.
All your dogs.
No no, you listen to every episode. Tell you I switch off at the end, Tell you friends and whatever so your mum told your dad, Tell your dog to your friends, and share the love because we love love, all right,