Hi guys, and welcome back to another episode of Life Uncut. I'm Laura, I'm Brittany, and we have to make today's episode snappy because currently my sister is in labor. I know, it's so exciting, okay, and I just want to really reiterate our dedication, but specifically Laura's dedication to you guys in this podcast.
I went to an early gym class and I get a message from Laura being like, oh, my god, my sister is in labor, and in my mind, I was like, oh cool, we're going to have to put this episode on hold for a couple of days. I thought that's where she was going with it, because we were recording in two hours. So I wrote back on my god, congratulations, what do you want to do about the pod? Then when you want to reschedule it, she's like, oh, no, we need to bring the episode. We always record this.
On a Monday, and obviously it comes out on a Tuesday, and she's in labor. And what we've had to do this time around. So I was at the birth of my nephew for the first time that my sister had a kid, and this is her second kid, and I want to be there when it's coming out. I want to be down there at the action end. And you can only have one person in the room with you, And so at the start she was like, so do.
I have my husband or do I have Laura.
But now they've kind of changed things a little bit with COVID and you can have your partner, your birthing partner, and you can also have a duela.
So I am pretending that I am a duela. But I'm concerned because she's in labor right now and you're here.
No, her waters have broke, but she's not having contractions yet, so she's waiting for them to come on, so she would have this baby in the next twenty four hours.
They do not slide out. I have a friend who's slid right out.
These people who have babies that slide right out set an unrealistic expectation on what birth is.
They don't call it labor for nothing. I mean, that's my expectation. Now I want to slide right out.
I just think I'm like, not the person that you should have as a duela, Like I'm going to be her woo girl. Like I'm like, you can do it. But I'm also all for the drugs. I feel like duelas are mostly there to try and help you breathe a baby out. Whereas the doctor comes in and my sister wants to do it natural, she does not want to have an epidurol. The doctor will come in and be like, so, you know, have you thought about your epidurol?
And it's kind of like imagine you're at dinner with someone and they don't want to have dessert, and the waiter comes over, and the waitershit paths where where I'm going?
Where I'm going with this?
The waiter comes over and the wai it's like, so do you guys want dessert? And one person's like, no, I don't, and the other person's like, let's just look.
At the menu. That's me.
They're like, do you want to epidural And she's like, no, I don't. I'm like, let's just think about it. But let's just bring the epi durol over. Maybe we can share one.
Why don't I put the middle in a little bit and then we'll decide whether we push. My girlfriend showed me some photo she had a baby last week and she had it at home in her house in a pool, and so she has the dueler come as well, because I didn't even know what a duela was. Oh wait, this was her first baby, yep, at home, no drugs in a pool for her first child, that is aggressive. And she showed me. I was like, can I see because we're very close, like can I see the photos
and stuff? And she showed me. I couldn't even look. I was like, I work in the theater. The more potanm guts and cuts and stuff that I see, the more excited I am. Watching the pain on her face with his head coming out, and her husband looked like he was in more pain than she did. His face looked like he was going to be sick. I couldn't. I was like, I don't know how you did that. I don't know. And because you can't get the drugs then even if you change your mind, no, and also
you can't because you're at your house. But not to terrorize anyone who is pregnant or about to go into labor, I will say this. So I went to my sister's first birth before.
I was even pregnant with Marley, and it totally changed my experience and my expectations around what birth was, if anything, I think that most people would assume that they would be more frightened after watching birth, but after watching my sister give birth to my nephew, it made me less frightened about birth. I was like, Oh, that's how it works. They kind of come out a bit triangle. That makes sense, like the head is like a cone. So it really just kind of took a lot of the fear out
of it for me. But anyway, she is in labor to get this episode underway.
There's been a lot happening as well. Guys.
Maths was on last night. Like I said, we're recording this Monday, it'll come out tomorrow. That we sat through the absolute shit storm, fire of surprises that was Maths.
What I did. Britain hasn't watched it yet. I've done my cats up this morning and Laura and I have just been in hysterics. I actually can't believe. How like, when you think that that show couldn't possibly get any worse or any more toxic or any more lava filled, it does. It goes out and it trumps itself every
single week, and it's actually almost laughable. I look at the show now and I'm laughing because I'm like this is actually the fact, the fact that we're such sickos that want to watch this and encourage these TV shows is baffling to me.
There was a lot going on in last night's episode, and I mean, firstly, the whole Beck trying to cover up her affair by saying that she was kissing her brother. There's a lot of you, like, you know what, an affair is one thing, but an affair with your brother is a whole other thing.
To deal with. I love that she thinks that that is the fact that she saying an incestrous affair is better excuse than saying I just kissed someone is actually ridiculous.
Because like the first time, it was so easy to miss what was actually being played on the screen, Like it was so easy to kind of go like, I mean I missed it the first time. I was too busy looking at the manhole thinking someone was going to climb through it, so I kind of miss what was happening in the corner of the screen. So maybe she missed a bit of it and she was like, oh, oh, it was my brother. But then when you listen back, she's like, oh, my baby, it just gets weirder and weirder quickly.
To anyone that didn't watch it. Long, long story short, Beck had to leave the show really quickly for a couple of weeks to go and look after a sick dog. While she was away, they were supposed to like record different things as they go and send it back to the producers for when they come back. So she's come back after a couple of weeks. She's handed a phone into the producers. But in that time that she was home, she was recording something. She's obviously forgotten to turn a
phone off. The phone has fallen onto the ground and it's got this awkward angle of it shooting up into the ceiling. You can see the ceiling. Then in the corner you see her making out with a guy. She hasn't even known this has happened. She's then given it to the producers unknowingly, and they have put her on the spot in front of everyone, calling her out for like making out with someone, to which she said, oh, it was my brother. That is the story.
Could you imagine being that producer and stumbling across that.
Little bit of gold, you would be like, fuck, I have just made this season. Give me hey rise, Oh that they definitely got to pay rise that producer.
Was it was insane, Like, I mean, that was the bombshow that nobody was expecting.
Everybody wanted.
There is a little part of me and I read a few things this morning that we were a bit frightening online with people going to town about Beck. This always happens when somebody has behaved so badly and there's been terrible decision making and people have been hurt on reality TV shows, it always ends up kicking off and social media, as we know always. But Booker, who is on the experiment as well, she has come out in defense of Beck today because of the absolute like vitriol
that she is experiencing. And I guess sometimes as much as what it was wildly entertaining entertainment and also something that I think finally people had their like, oh I knew I didn't. I knew there was something that you were hiding. You know that people kind of felt validated and their reasons for not liking Beck along throughout the
series because she has treated Jake pretty poorly. But Booker has come out and said, I'm not defending the choices that Beck made along the way, but please remember that she is a human being, complex, flawed, jaded, and sentient, just like the rest of us. Beck has had to endure a level of cyberbullying and cruelty from the public that I cannot even comprehend. Too many mass participants over the years have had to endure the same vile and often violent online abuse that I am seeing Beck receive.
The lasting impact this cruelty can have on them is utterly fucked. And I read that today and I think that sometimes it brings you back down to reality and you go, Okay, you know what, Yes, it's a show. Yes people make bad decisions. Yes what she did was incredibly flawed and incredibly selfish, But does the crime fit the punishment? You're doing this cheating on such a huge scale. Most people just cheating their day to day and a few people hate them, and you're not with their brother.
This is true, But anyway, it's like a good reality check that yes, these things have happened, and yes we can all have our opinions on it, but is it healthy to voice those opinions on social media?
Probably not. I absolutely agree, And it's the same thing with all reality TV shows, The Bachelor. We've all been through it, married at first sight, I feel like it's probably way worse. But it's never okay to go on someone else's page and bully them, give them death threats, send them dms. It is completely unacceptable, even if you think that in your heart of hearts, that is a human on the other end, even if we don't agree
with what they've done. And I cannot stress this enough, don't tag your friends, laughing at in people's faces, don't write nasty things to them. For sure, if you want to go and have a debrief with your friend, that's okay,
but it really really does leave a lasting effect. Now, having said that, we're not saying that what Beck did is okay, and I want to make it clear my thoughts and opinions, and that is I'm glad that people are out defending Beck as well, but I don't think it's okay for a woman to cheat in gas light and not a man because she's a woman. I think that if we're going to judge someone to one extent,
that we need to accept that gaslighting is gaslighting. Cheating is cheating, whether it comes from a woman or a man, and there are obviously circumstances behind that that we have to weigh in on, and we do have to know and the journey that these guys are going on, I can't even imagine the stress. There's a lot that goes on behind closed doors that we will never be privy to. We just won't know it. Oh yeah, one hundred percent.
I do think that sometimes we think that, you know, gas lighting is a strictly male trait, and it's not. And this season has shown us that it does not discriminate.
Put it that way. Wholes and men are our wholes.
And we're all a pack of our wholes. Seriously though, and I do agree, like I think we can be held accountable for those actions, but just to being shown on TV and the whole of Australia watching is more than enough of an accountability. The last thing the book goes on to say, which I thought was just a really awesome way. I just haven't heard someone put it in such perfect wording. I'm going to read this out.
It is, if you are trying to make a point about morality and core values by posting cruel shit, take a moment to reflect on where your own morals and core values lie. I thought that that was like a really perfect way to sum this up. However, yes, Mass is dumps to fire. We all enjoy it, but this year it's really shown us a lot of toxic behavior. And we have had so many conversations off the back of Mass because of the conversations that flow from what
isn't isn't acceptable in a relationship. And actually, today's podcast episode, we're gonna be talking about something which we touch on on pretty much all episodes. We talk about boundaries. We talk about self worth, we talk about knowing your value and standing up for yourself and all this sort of who are but we've never actually kind of unpacked what does it mean to set boundaries? How does one set boundaries?
Because it's all fine to say it, but if you're somebody who struggles setting boundaries in your life, it's like, yes, great, you all keep talking about it, but how the fuck do you actually do this? And if you're someone who's struggling with your self worth, saying, well, in order to feel valued, in order to have boundaries, you need to work on your self worth. It's kind of redundant as well to have the tools, and it's a bit of a mental checklist that we're gonna do, like a health check.
Think of it like that, on whether or not you have good self worth and whether or not you value yourself and what you bring to a relationship, and not just your romantic relationships, but your relationships with your friends, your relationships at work, how you interact with people, how you can set boundaries, and how you can increase your self worth. That is what we're talking about today. However, there's a few things we want to talk about.
First. I'm coming in hot with some goss. Now, Colton Underwood. You may or may not know that name. Colton Underwood was I actually remember I was obsessed with him. He was so hot. He was a US bachelor a couple of years back. Now, to give you a wrap up of who he is, he was on season fourteen of The Bachelorette in the US, and that's where we sort of first met Colton. He was this rugby player. He was a virgin, which is why he sort of stood out from everyone else, and he was just so hot.
He was like this all American guy, because I love an all American and very Christian.
So you were like, this guy's so hot and so virgin, Like, ah, he's saving himself a marriage makes sense?
Well, then he went on to start in Bachelor in Paradise. I saw America fell in love with him even more, and I mean in Australia did too because I loved him. Then he went on to be the Bachelor of Season twenty three, so he was the be all in indul and he ended up falling in love with this girl named Cassie Randolph. They had this tumultuous on off relationship on The Bachelor, but it was very obvious that he was adamant, he was chasing her and he wanted to
be with her. Then they had this beautiful love story that only went on for a little while. They broke up, and no one really knew why they broke up. It all seemed very g rated to the outside world.
After they broke up, everyone was like, wow, that's a really respectful, kind and amicable breakup. So strange that they couldn't make it work.
And then a couple of days ago on Good Morning America, Colton went on and came out as gay.
I've ran for myself for a long time. I've hated myself for a long time, and I'm gay and I came to terms with that earlier this year. Have been prices seeing it, and the next step in all of this was sort of letting people know i'mlike the happiest and healthiest I've ever been in my life, and that means the world to me.
So this has sort of left America stunned. And the reason we wanted to talk about this was how long has he known this? How long has been battling this? Everyone wanted to know if he knew when he went on the Bachelorette originally and Bachelor in Paradise and the ensuing the Bachelor. Was that fair that he did that when he knew? Was he trying to work it out?
But the interesting thing about this and why we want to bring it up is, firstly, America is really really on his side and praising him for coming out and working out who he is and going through that, and I think so a we and so everyone should. It's really hard to work out your sexuality and who you are and what you want. He was obviously battling this incredibly with his religious beliefs and coming from a really
religious family. He did come out and say he did not want to be gay, so he thought he was fighting that. I read something that he had said which was. Someone said to him, why did you go on and be the Bachelor if you felt that you could be gay? And he said, because I didn't know I was gay and I had asked God to direct me. I said, I didn't want to be gay. I asked God to
direct me. Then he was offered the bachelor position. He said he honestly thanked God for saying, thank you for showing me I'm not gay, and this opportunity is for me to meet my female partner. So I can't imagine. You know, I've had friends that have battled this in the past, and I can't imagine what it feels like to be trying to fight who you.
Are and then also to try and navigate your sexuality in a very public forum. We all know that people who come off The Bachelor here have notoriety, but in the States it's tenfold, Like the series is humongous over there and there's millions of eys and millions of people watching.
There has been conversation about a Netflix series being made around Colton Underwood coming out as gay and his self exploration his discovery, like how he navigates this part of life and what led him to want to talk about it openly to cover sort of how he's now living authentically.
The thing though that is been.
A little bit problematic around this, and something that's been hugely swept under the carpet is that the breakup between Cassie Randolph and Colton was not all peaches and roses as what we were led to believe. And there were articles that came out and statements that came out at the end of last year, which was that Colton had actually obsessively harassed, stalked, and put a GPS tracker on
Cassie Randolph's car. So he had also treated her with some very frightening, controlling and obsessive behavior, which is also illegal. She took out a restraining order against him, and they
had settled outside of court on all of this. A lot of this conversation has been swept under the carpet, but there is a petition that started because they're wanting to boycott the Netflix series because there is a huge group of people who don't think that somebody who has been guilty of these offenses towards a woman should be given a platform, matter even if it meant that he then had to find out his sexuality as a byproduct of that. But people shouldn't be hurt in the process.
That's the thing.
I think that the question here is like, just because he was discovering his sexuality doesn't give a right to stalk, harass, and treat a woman in that way. We can't just sweep the bad things under the carpet because we're like, oh, great, you now know who you are as a person.
No, And it's pretty obvious that everybody under the sun in America wants to get their hands on Colton. They want to interview him, they want to make their documentaries on him, they want him, want their magazines, they want them on their shows. It's almost obvious that he has said to them, I will come and interview with you if these questions are not asked, if it's not discussed about the stalking and the harassment, because it's just literally like it didn't happen, which is why we wanted to
We are so supportive of him coming out. I absolutely love that for him, but I think it's really important that we don't sweep it under the rug that you know, he was stalking and harassing someone that had to take
out an AVO and he has had one statement. So he did address the allegations once, but it was in an unaired segment of his Good Morning American, but it has made its way out into the world, and he says, I made mistakes in the end of that relationship, and I ruined the good memories we had by my actions and what I did to hold on to me being straight because I didn't want to look myself in the mirror. For that, I'm extremely sorry.
Now, No, I hate this statement because I just want to way. I feel like that is totally downplaying. You can say, yeah, look, I hate that I did things because I was struggling. No, there's no onus in that statement that says, well, I acknowledged that I stalked, harassed, and intimidated a woman and made her feel so frightened that she needed to get a restraining order out against me because my behavior is completely unacceptable. There's no ownership
in that statement. And I think that that's the thing that's really infuriated some people around this. And I guess with coming out as gay and with him doing very publicly on Good Morning America, he has been given the opportunity to rewrite his narrative and people are really celebrating him and heroing him for being so brave to do so, but in the process we're forgetting that actually we cannot just ignore one thing that's happened, and hurting people doesn't
have to be a byproduct. And you know what, sometimes we are going to hurt people whilst we try and figure out who we are and work through our own junk. But there has to be some acknowledgment of that hurt and there has to be real remorse for it. And I don't know, I just feel like it hasn't quite made amense. But there's something lacking in this conversation for me. I think that it's all become about how wonderful his coming out story is, and there hasn't been enough onus.
I'm like, okay, but that coming out story has really damaged somebody else.
Well. There's a man called Brett Viagara and he's part of the Bachelor Diversity campaign. He had a great comment that he put out to the public. It was first, I'm glad to see Colton more at peace and happy that he can live more as his true, authentic self. I'll always be in support of that, but that does not excuse the abusive manipulative and literally illegal stalking behavior he displayed in his past relationship, and I think that
that is votrue and that is really important. People are going to support him, But do we support him to the level where we give him a whole nother platform. I'm not saying we shouldn't. I'm not saying we should. I just find it a really interesting conversation and I'm actually looking forward to seeing what happens with that and where it goes. Yeah, me too.
I guess the last thing that I want to say on this is that I have heard quite and when we were doing our research, I did see quite a few conversations around this, and there were some conversations going back and forth, which was that he absolutely should not apologize for the fact that he was figuring out his sexuality. And you know, there's been some people posting the question, should he apologize to the women who he was dating on the show? Should he apologize to his ex fiance
for leading them on? Basically this was the questioning, And No, I don't think that anybody should ever have to apologize for their sexuality whatsoever. Like we're all entited to live our lives authentically and however long it takes us to figure out who we are, that's part of our journey. However, if we have casualties along the way because we're figuring out our junk and we're taking it out on other people, other people are not punching bags to help us figure
out who who we are. And if that does happen, which in this case definitely has, then I think that people are owed an apology. And I think, you know, I'm not saying this because I'm a martyr by any means, Like I have hurt people whilst I have gotten through my own personal junk, and I think, in reflection, those people deserve apologies.
You know.
It's not like, well, whilst you're hurt, you can do whatever you want to other people so long as you get to a point of self enlightenment. No, I think we're responsible for the damage that we do to other people. Imagine having a big fight with.
Your partner on the street, right and you're swinging your arms around and you're having this big argument and then you accidentally hit someone and pass it by in the head with your hand swinging around manically. You turn around and you say sorry, they were a byproduct or you
figuring your shit out. This is my example. It's like, you're not apologizing because you meant to go out and hurt them, but you're apologizing because, regardless of your intentions, they did get hurt in you figuring your shit out.
So totally and on a greater scale. You know, people have childhood trauma, people have ex relationships trauma, not just relative to sexuality. But we're all figuring our shit out, all of us, and on different levels and scales of what is and isn't traumatic. We're all getting over something in life or have gotten to a point where we're over it. But the thing is is like we still have to be responsible for the impact that we have on other people.
And I'm the first person, one hundred percent to say that people make mistakes, people can rewrite their story. People can if they own it and get help for whatever they're doing, that we don't have to necessarily hold anything against those people. What I would like to see one day, if this is contradictory to what we've just said, if he can come out and say, you know, like I was so sorry, I've got help for that, and anything else that goes with that, it would be pretty cool.
To see a gay bachelor. Totally like to have all the men there and whether that's him or that's someone else, it doesn't matter. But I think that would be especially for America where their platform is like millions and millions and millions of people, it would be amazing to see a gay bachelor.
The issue with a gay bachelor is how logistically would it work? Because if you had a whole heap of hot guys and a house.
But that is but that's the problem, and that's what they've openly said before. They're like, it'll be like no one wants is that little just pair off in the house. But it'd be fun to watch just on from that.
In regards to the Netflix series, I think we can kind of sometimes be very quick to shut something down before it's been fully fleshed out or realized. If they were to do a Netflix series on Colton's coming out, I would hope that that Netflix series encompassed and really addressed what happened there.
I really hope that it isn't.
Just glorifying or showing how empowered it is for him that he's acknowledging who he is as a person, but it is also really delving into the dark times and what that implication and what that caused. And it does cover the fact that he's stalked and harassed, and I hope that it covers everything in its completeness and those things aren't swept under the carpet because we're so wanting to see this empowered coming out story.
So at Netflix, if you're listening, if you're going to do it, do all of it, do it properly. Show the good and the bad and the pretty ugly, the celebration and the whole journey it took to get there, Like put it out in the open that he did go through this period, but he has gotten help and he's come out on the other side a better person. Without all the complexities being discussed, it's problematic, and I think that's why people will boycott it. So interesting to.
See that one Well, I think that is enough from us before we get into our favorite part of the episode, and that is accidentally unfiltered. Now accidentally unfiltered for anybody who is new, is where you guys send in your most embarrassing stories and we read them out and we all laugh together at you and at your expense, but together as a community because we all build each other up here at Life I'm Cut.
I'm gonna start with one of just this little thing that happened to me this week. If you're like an avid listener of Life I'm Cut, you'll know that this happens to me all the time. And you think that I would learn from my mistakes, but I don't. I often tell you guys about my typos that I do when I'm sending out emails to clients or business emails or whatever, because I've got I have two laptops. Quite often I'm doing two things at once. I've got a
thousand things in my brain. I type two quickly and I don't go back and read it, and I just send it. So you all know that I did the email a few weeks ago where I went to say hello Sian, and I said hello Asian. Her name is Shan, Yeah, no bit I A.
It's I who we work with, and her name is Shan Yeah, hey Shanna.
Know you're listening. It's Irish, but I just say it in my head. I read it phonetically, s I A N. But anyway, I wanted to just pretend that never happened and fall into a hole in the ground. But I have done it again, but at least this one was more on me. So yesterday I was writing an email and my fingers must have been moving too quickly. And I always sign off as Britt bri double t. I never write Brittany because it's just easier to say Britt with a kiss. My fingers must have got a little
bit excited. I went to write Bri, I dold team press end and I went br Enter, but as signed off as britt tit like it went bri t t I t like. I added an extra and it put a when almost brick tit. I was like, what, I don't know how I can do this.
I don't mind regards brit tit, brit tit, have a great day with your tits.
She's gonna think that that's like my nickname. She's the next time she gonna write back, she's like, hey, brit tit ry brittit. Actually we received.
Another message just before and I wasn't gonna say this as an accidentally unfiltered because it was too brief. So somebody had written in with an accidentally unfiltered story, which is actually it's a very dark comedy. It's just bordering funny but not funny. At the same time, someone had passed away and she had replied to this text message.
So she'd received a message saying, Hey, I'm just letting you know this person has passed away, and she went to write back, oh god, and all she wrote back was oh good and that's and then left it.
Far. It's like, it's we're laughing. It's not actually funny, but it's the most it is the most unfortunate auto correct you could have like that situation.
Do you know what another really unfortunate one is? My mum used to think that LOL stood for lots of love, and she actually wrote loll at the bottom of somebody's really rememorative folko that they had posted, being like, it's been a year since blah blah blah passed away, and my mum wrote lol.
I think, why mom, have you sidik? What the fuck that makes sense? No, it truly doesn't.
Anyway, let's get into these accidentally unfiltereds Okay, I'm gonna go first, and I have a real goody And it never ever gets old that as soon as these embarrassing things happen to you, guys, you want to send them to us like straight away, I live for it. Okay, last night I stayed at my friend's house and she lives in an apartment. I was so fucking drunk that I slept on her couch absolutely starkers, and at some point throughout my sleep I decided I needed to get
up and go to the toilet. Well, let me tell you, it all went wrong from here, so I must have slept walk to what I thought was the bathroom. But to my surprise, I walked out her front door into the apartment hallway and was suddenly woken up by the slam of her front door. I then realized in that moment, I had locked myself out of her apartment butt fucking naked and was unable to get back in. I knocked,
and I knocked, and she couldn't hear me. I needed to go to the toilet so bad that I ended up going into the bin shoot room and popping a squat.
Now this isn't the rest of the story. Something to fall down the tin shoot.
Someone tried to walk in the door to put their rubbish in the bin, and I had to stop them from seeing what they were about to see. I had to scream no, don't come in. I'm about naked and I'm locked out of my apartment. This guy was so confused and he walked away. I then moments later see a hand come through the door and he has gotten his partner to get me a towel to cover up, and then ring the intercom to my friend's apartment to wake her. She wakes up and herself.
Comes to the door, but fucking naked. She was just I ran into the apartment. I was so embarrassed.
I went back just then with some spray and wipe to clean up my urine out of the bin shoot room.
And then like four hours later she messages again and she goes update. I made contact with the neighbors and they thought I was a junkie trying to rob the place. Oh God, so bad. Last week's episode, we spoke about Laura's old dating story where the guy she was seeing basically locked himself out naked sleepwalking and ended up in
an office somewhere. But we asked you guys to send us your sleepwalking stories in and I can't believe A how many of your sleepwalk and b how many like horrific, hilarious things have happened to your sleepwalking, so we're going to collate them and put them in another episode.
This last week, I think we have received some of the best accidentally unfiltered stories that we have ever got, So we keep teasing a bonus episode. But it is coming. I promise we're.
Because then every week we're like, we don't have time. Just stop over committing. No, it is coming.
I'm putting it here, I'm putting it down. I'm not gonna say in print, what do we say, I'm putting it down in the record. So we have to stay committed to this. It is coming. All right, it's time for your accidently unfiltered.
You just remember that and when it doesn't come. It was Laura and on me. I have one today that's concerning for me. I'm reading it out because I'm not I think it's that funny, but I think it's a fucked up I'm so fucked up, and I think it's a really good intro to our chat today about boundaries.
Here we go. I haven't accidentally unfiltered story from my first ever proper boyfriend about thirteen years ago, and it still haunts me to this day, not just because of what happened, but also because somehow I stayed with him for another year after this event, which also surprises a lot of people when I tell them. We're in the shower together one morning, just innocently, and I had my back to him as I was lathering myself up with
the SuDS. I turned around and he was facing me, and I saw that he had this really weird, concentrated look on his face, and then he had one hand behind his back. I said, Ah, what have you got there, kiddo. He then brought his arm around from behind his back, put out his hand, and proudly presented to me a big, fuck off massive log of shit. He had a lot of shit, Like, can we just think about this for
a moment? He had legit stood there and pushed one out in his hand while standing up in the shower with me, like it was no biggie, and then he tried to hand it to me like some sort of surprise gift. I'm so wrong, so like it's wrong on every level. I screamed and ran out of the shower, naked, almost sleeping and breaking my neck along the way. I ran into the bedroom and closed the door while I
tried to process what had just happened. I could hear him singing and whistling in the shower as he finished, like nothing had happened. Once he got out and came into the bedroom, all I could say was what did you do with it? And he simply replied, Oh, I just stepped it down the drain with my big tope. I am sorry. This is the most discussing thing I have read in a long time. If someone did a log of pool in the hand, not even standing up straight,
he was erepped it. It was vertical and then caught it. Hey, what are you eating that your pool is so long and hard that you can snap it off? Yeah? Mine, don't do that. That's a really good fiber gut right bare. And what part of him thought it was okay to hand it to her like, you know, member of South Park, mister Stinky the poop the Christmas poo. So this is a really prime example for me, and I think I think it was mister Hanky. I think so the Christmas
poo is hanged to Hanky the Christmas poop. Anyway, I think he is a better n We don't need to unpack this for you guys, but I feel like this is a really good segue into boundaries, because I mean, one of my main boundaries. I've got a few, but one of mine is don't shoot in the shower in your handing handed to me.
I think it's important to talk about how boundaries can be fluid, but then you can also have firm boundaries. And I would say that that's probably a very firm boundary. It's a pick offense that one. I reckon that everybody, not nobody has shatt in the shower with a significant other. But I reckon everybody has shatt in the shower at least once in their life, which is how you discover you don't not, Laura, Yes they have.
Not everyone has. Okay, there is something really wrong with you right now. Not everyone. I have never hand on heart scouts, Honor have I shot in the shower. You're a better person than me and Brittany. Okay, But I was a kid. I was a little kid.
I would have been like seven, and I was like, I need to do a poo and I vividly remember doing a pool in the shower and then being like, holy shit, doesn't just flush down the drain.
You're gonna stomp that thing down.
And I have never done it since I was a kid. I feel like all kids figure this out the hard way. That's how you learn.
I expose yourself to new experiences, Brittany. My mum said, you should the toilet, not in the shower, Brittany, And that's how I learned.
I remember I would have been about seven, maybe six, and I did a pool in the shower and then I stumped it down, and I was so scared that my mum would know that I did a pool in the shower.
The only time that I would do a poo in the shower is literally if I was on my deathbed with gashtro and you know, when you're vomiting and pooing at the same time, you need to sit in the shower. That would be it. I would never be like, I can't be bothered to walk the two steps to the toilet, so I'll do it here.
Well, so I was little and in the house growing up, the shower wasn't in the same room as the toilet, so it wasn't two steps, it was the entire length of the house. I would have to have gotten off towel, dried, gone to the toilet, and then gone back in the shower. So I was like, let's just see what happens anyway. Maybe we'll put up a pole. Maybe more people have putted.
If I don't, they're sick.
They don't do it like they hand down though, that'll definitely end up in downly mail Laura, shit's in the shower.
Then I won't say where or how I know. I just feel like last week fuckers. Okay, let's get into the episode.
All right, guys. With the recent airing of the absolute toxic dumpster fire that was Maths, and something happened on last night's episode that really solidified why I wanted to do this conversation, why we're making out with the brother was not the ancestuous affair, Why we wanted to talk about setting boundaries, how to do that, and how to
really increase your self worth. So what happened last night on Maths if you guys didn't see it, Basically, there has been this ongoing rumor that Bryce has a secret girlfriend.
Dn't and she wasn't a secret for sure did yes?
And lo and behold, Melissa has stood up for him time and time again. She has denied any of the red flags that people have been telling her. She has absolutely refused to believe when the other Testines have said, look, someone from the outside world has contacted me. And on last night's episode, they had video footage of Bryce's friends after what you would call, I guess their hometown visit, discussing the secret girlfriend and confirming that it was true.
And they showed this footage to Melissa, and Melissa still sat there, even though she saw it, even though she had the proof that she's always said that she wanted, she still said, I'm not leaving. I love this man, and I'm going to stay. And then Booker said something. And the conversation that followed is the part that really struck me as something that I was like, we need to talk about this. So Booker said, I have received phone calls from people on the outside world and that
Bryce has a girlfriend. I have told you Liam has received phone calls from people in the outside world. Liam has told you other people in this experiment have heard things and been told things, and we have told you.
Are you telling me that moving forward, if we.
Find out something about what Bryce has done, or how you've been treated, or how you've been lied to, that you don't want to know about it?
And Melissa said yes, I don't want to know about it anymore.
In that moment, I just felt so just so sad for her and so sad that you could be at a point in a relationship where you think, I don't care what my partner's done wrong. I don't want you to tell me because I'm not going to leave them anyway. So what she was saying in that sentence is, it doesn't matter if you tell me that he's cheated on me, even if it's true, I'm not going to leave. And there does come a point in this conversation where we have to talk about self worth and setting boundaries and
the fear of someone leaving. You cannot be greater than your own self worth. That's what we have to kind of have as a benchmark. Like we said the beginning of the episode, this is maths. It's not all real, a lot of it's edited, a lot of it's inflamed.
We don't know exactly what happened in their relationship, but what we saw on TV is a really great basis for a conversation around what a boundaries, How do we create boundaries for ourself and how do we improve our self worth so that we can make sure that we're setting ourselves up for healthy relationships, not just in our personal in romantic relationships, but in all the relationships and interactions that we have with people in our lives.
One thing that I have learned from, you know, just going through the shit storm of the last ten years, is just being alive, just living. One thing I have learned from living is where there's smoke this fire. And I cannot reiterate that enough. Like that is such a great strong saying to me. In this case with Bryce and Melissa, it's one thing for her to not accept a rumor when one person says it. And I can applaud that if someone tells you a rumor, you go
to your partner and you ask them up front. The reason you're with your partner is because you trust them. That is why you're with them. He's given her an answer, She's believed it, She's moved on. When there is this much smoke coming from this many independent fires, you can't deny that it hasn't happened. Like his friends have done it. People have called other sources that are so concerned for her that they're like, you need to go and tell your friend that this is true. And like Laura said,
seeing that she would rather turn a blind eye. What that is doing is very for her, but it's setting a precedence in that relationship that that is what is acceptable and that is tolerable, and that he can do whatever he wants. He can cheat on her, he can gaslight her, he can light to her, and that he
can still have her. Essentially, that is what her behavior is telling him, And I would hate to see what's going to happen in the future knowing that he knows that he can do this on a public level and not get called out. So he's one hundred percent gotten away with cheating and gas lighting and now he knows that it's okay whether he rains it in a little while because he's on a public platform now and people will be watching them like a hawk or not.
This is also a very extreme case of not having any boundaries at all. Like I think, you know, there's definitely different layers of this. We can have soft boundaries with our friends, which might just be you know, you're encroaching too much of my time and I'm not getting enough of my own personal me time. It could be at work where you're being asked to do jobs which
are so far outside your skill set. For example, you might get to work and your boss might be saying, pour me a bowl of cereal when you come in, Like, no, I'm not going to do that.
But he's an architect.
Yeah, there's nothing that, there's no skill that that's actually you know, teaching me. I don't need to pour your sereal, get it yourself. You've sogynistic woo unless it.
Anyway as a sister, and you happy to do everything he says.
But so this is all about just like, you need to set boundaries early in relationships, not like once you've been together for five years or six years. That's not to say that you can't do it later on in
a relationship, but it's a lot harder. The thing is, you need to start setting the boundaries and conditioning people for the way that you want to be treated from the very first meeting, because people become accustomed to it, and that it's much harder to change someone's behavior than what it is to from the get go a really strong boundaries, really strong self worth for them that to flow into a healthy relationship in the future.
What we are taught as well is and what I have read is the reason is so hard because there are a lot of adults that don't have the right boundaries in place. And the reason we're told this is is because we learn our behavior from when we're young. Most young people in their first relationships, they don't know about boundaries yet because they're trying to figure their shit out,
which is so fine, that's how we learn. But one thing that the psychologists say we don't learn is from this behavior and to where like late twenties and into our early thirties. So it's really important that you go into your new relationship not in the same way you've gone into your old relationships, but you need to know before you enter a relationship, if possible, what it is that's acceptable for you, what it is you want, and where you want to go personally and in your relationship.
Because if you can go into a relationship or your new job or a friendship, if you can go into any situation confident in yourself and knowing what is and is not okay and what is and is not acceptable in a relationship, you're setting yourself up for a far better, longer, and healthier relationship.
Okay, So let's like unpack what is a boundary. I know that we've all heard of this been thrown around before. Every single self help group will talk about boundaries. Britain and I talk about boundaries all the time. But it's something that's very, like I said, it very easy to talk about. A lot of people find it very very hard to action within their own life. So about boundary is a physical or metaphorical line between ourselves and others.
Setting a boundary means requiring better treatment by others and not allowing someone else to run over you. A boundary provides a protective parameter around us, allowing us to operate comfortably within it. And depending on your personalities and your life experiences, some of us have stronger boundaries and more
reliant on those boundaries than others. Women are more at risk of being very fluid with their boundaries than what men are, and there's been a lot of studies that have gone into why we as women often will be flexible with our boundaries or will shape our boundaries and change our boundaries depending on what relationship we're in. And that is because deep seated there is a conditioned want to please people and there is also a nurturing side of that.
So the more empathetic that.
You are, the more nurturing that you are, the less firm boundaries you may have in your life. So it's not necessarily a quality of weakness having loose boundaries, but it is a quality of really wanting to either please other people, wanting other people to like you, or being fearful of losing something that you have.
Personal boundaries and self esteem they do go hand in hand and taking responsibility for your own actions not blaming other people. These are the two pillars of a really really important book called Six Pillars of Self Esteem. So this is a really good book that just from what we've researched online that if you are looking into self esteem or you're looking into boundaries, you can go and
read that online. But generally speaking, people with high self esteem and high self worth, they usually have really good strong boundaries because they know where they are, they know what they want, and they know how to get there. So practicing strong personal boundaries it is one way to build self esteem. And I think the connection between boundaries
and self worth is fascinating. So if you know that you're in a relationship that is not what you want and it is not healthy, maybe you need to look at why we are going to go through some things. But is it because you are afraid that you will not meet anyone else? Is it afraid that no one else will love you if you leave because behavior is unacceptable? Is it because you don't feel like you're good enough
for anyone else? Is it because you don't feel like you're good enough for the person you're in the relationship with. I know, for me, my boundary is now fucking so strong that it's like hard for anyone to even get in. This is like I put a fence up that I'm like, this is how it is, is what I want, this is what I'll accept. But it was not always like that.
It took me, like realistically, probably almost so. I was thirty and I dated a lot of people over that ten years, guys, But my toxic relationship he I'm not proud to say it, he walked all over me. I let him treat me so poorly, the way he spoke to me, the way he acted, the lies, the gas lighting, the cheating, the disappointment. I mean, I knew that he was monitoring my online activity where I was, and I buried it. I let it fly.
But did it happen slowly or was it something that was there from the very get go, Because I think that's sometimes these and this is like an extreme case of it, but I think that sometimes your boundaries can slip so slowly that you almost don't recognize that it's happening.
For me, it was very slow because it started off fantastic and loving and great. I thought I had the boundaries and I was like, this is what I want. I wanted this loving partner who wanted to do everything for me and wanted to know where I was all the time. For me, it was very slow, But I'd be lying if I said I didn't see a lot of red flags along the way.
Well, one of the things that's really interesting about setting boundaries in your relationships is that often there's this fear that if you set boundaries, you're going to push people away, or someone's going to think that you're being mean or that you're being too hard, and so we are fearful of doing that. We're fearful of saying no for fear
of upsetting someone else. But actually setting boundaries is a way of strengthening your relationships because normal healthy relationships, that other person is going to go oh okay, there's a sense of vulnerability there. And like we always say, this power and vulnerability. If you sit down and have a really genuine, vulnerable, open conversation with someone around why they have crossed your boundaries, why they have hurt you, and why you feel.
The way you do.
And the thing is is when your boundaries being broken or when someone is encroaching on them, you're going to feel resentful, You're going to feel angry, You're going to feel burnt out. This is the byproduct of not having firm boundaries in place. So if you sit down with someone who cares about you and who you care about and say this is how I'm feeling, then that actually creates a deeper bond with that person and a deeper
level of understanding. If it doesn't, like, if you set boundaries and it creates issues in your relationship, then that's probably a flag that that relationship isn't healthy anyway, because only somebody who is codependent or toxic or wants to control you is going to have issues with you setting boundaries. It is a human right to have boundaries. It's a human right to be able to say no and protect
your well being and your own mental health. Every single person needs to be able to exercise this in order to be happy and in order to just not give so much of themselves and leave nothing left in the tank for themselves.
So some examples of what unhealthy boundaries look like, because it's very easy for us to sit here and say, put your boundary out, don't have an unhealthy boundary, don't have an unhealthy relationship. It's like, think about have you ever seen two friends and I feel like everyone has this. You've got these two friends and when they're together or when you're with them, it's fantastic, it's awesome. But then these friends will non stop complaining to you about each
other behind their back. That's unhealthy. That is not a normal friendship. It's like Laura and I are hanging out all the time, then me going to someone and complaining NonStop about her and Laura going complaining non stop about me. It's like, it's not a healthy relationship. If that's the problem, we should be having open communication with each other.
And that's back to what I said as well about this idea of resentment. If you are having those relationships where like face to face, it's great, but really you have this underlying feud happening that you haven't voiced, and like, we've all done this. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure there have been times where it has gone behind my back and being like a fuck, I'm really frustrated with Laura, but there's a level of resentment there that hasn't been discussed.
And then a good friendship, you go and you have a conversation and you work out why you're feeling that way, and then it resolves it, and then you get back to a place where you can be really happy and your friendship is even deeper and better. And I know, like, oh, we have had so many frustrations with each others, like you, like we are we are seriously such close friends. And Britt knows me better than anyone, and I know her better than anyone as well, And like I love our friendship.
This we can have a moment right now, I fucking love you, got planned? I love you, and I love our friendship. We have absolutely, over the course of the last two years, had moments where we have been so frustrated with each other, and it's been difficult to communicate that straight away because sometimes it takes a little while to
understand why you feel frustrated personally. For me, I was never frustrated at britt as a person, but I was frustrated by the amount of work that this podcast took up at one point in time, because I just didn't have the hours in the day.
And it made me, really it almost made.
Me feel anxious all the time because I knew that I had to edit after we finished recording, and then that feeling of like, well, I've got to go home and do eight more hours on this made me feel really resent and that all compounded. And the reason it compounded is because I hadn't sat down with Britain had an honest conversation around the fact that I was giving so much of myself above and beyond what I could actually sustain and my time, and therefore I was starting
to feel resentful. I was starting to feel unappreciated. And in that conversation we make changes and everything is frigging great now, you know. And that's the thing, like in a really great relationship, you can have vulnerable, honest conversations about what is upsetting you and then that sets a new precedent or a new boundary, and often more so than not, it can be about time restraints and people wanting too much of your time.
Absolutely, and that's like a crucial thing. Any time that Laura and I have had a frustration with each other, we've always spoken about it. Even if it's not that day or a day later or a week later, we always come back to each other and we both end up feeling really bad about it and we're like, I didn't know, we didn't know these, and I feel sorry because we would never want to hurt each other's feelings
in anything. But the thing is with every relationship in your whole life, your partner, your work, your friends, your family, you're different humans that look at things in a different way, that have different opinions, that have different boundaries, that have different expectations, and you can't expect anyone else in your life to just know what yours are without communicating it.
So like our number one thing is communication. The next thing is like an example of maybe you're single and your friends in a relationship and they won't go out partying with you, or they won't meet you for a coffee, or they can't do anything because their partner doesn't like when they go out with them, or their partner doesn't like having too much time away. That is an unhealthy relationship for you, guys in a friendship because they're just
completely disregarding you. But it's also an unhealthy relationship that they're sitting in as a couple saying that I can't do this because my partner doesn't like it. It's not like they're saying I can't cheat on my partner because he doesn't like it. It's saying I can't go out to dinner like you know. There's a level of control in there, and obviously.
You can't have sex with my brothersuse my partners. That's up that sorry bad.
It's definitely something that is and we said at the beginning, boundaries are fluid. If that is what works for you and you're actually happy with it, then it doesn't really matter. If you know that you're doing something against your will. You know that you're saying I can't go out with you because my partner doesn't want me to, even though you really, really really want to go out with them, then that is a prime example of an unhealthy boundary.
That's something you need to go back to your partner and say, this is something that's really important to me. This is what I want to do, and I can't be in a relationship where you don't let me live my life.
If you're somebody who really struggles with setting boundaries in your relationships, whether it be work or whether it be your romantic relationships, there are five statements which I want you to say to yourself, and these are you are worthy, you are in the mirror, No, it is I have a right to say no without feeling guilty. I have a right to be treated with respect. I have a right to make my needs as important as others. I have a right to be accepting of my mistakes and
my failures. And I have a right not to meet others unreasonable expectations of me. And like Britz said, you have to communicate what is an unreasonable expectation. You know, you cannot assume that everybody knows exactly what you're thinking
and feeling, and you have to follow your gut. If your body is telling you that after you have an interaction with someone, or after someone asks you to do something, you say yes, but you feel angry about it, then that's your body telling you, Hey, a fundamental boundary here is being crossed, and it's up to you to voice how you feel about that. It's up to you to
start putting parameters in place. And I know that there is a lot of self help books out there and stuff that say, and we've said it before in this podcast, you just have to say no, and no needs to be a firm no.
Man, I say yes to everything. That's my thing. I'm totally boundary to that. We're so bad with it.
But also I think no, we think it's a really aggressive word, and sometimes it does come across and sound aggressive without giving an explanation behind. And if you're someone who really struggles to say no without justifying your reasoning, maybe do a soft noe instead of just no.
Work yourself up to it. Maybe it's a sorry I can't. Maybe it's a.
No this isn't a priority for me at this point in time, or no I'm not able to because of this. Maybe it is okay for you to give some sort of justification because going into the heart no is a bit overwhelming. And also there's some situations where you can't just go in for a no, like at work, you can't just say no. You have to explain why it's a no.
You've got to put forward Kates, Laura, we really need to record the podcast. No, No, it doesn't work, you know.
No, I'm time poor because my sister's in labor and I'm going to the hospital.
Perfect.
That's setting personal boundaries, you know, that's prioritizing different things in my life. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, and saying yes to everything is what creates this burnout. We talked about it loads on an episode which was Hustle Culture. But I think that these things really all tie into each other. Oh one hundred percent.
Look, I actually think I've got a pretty happy medium with it. I was trying to think of, like, what is my boundary that I need to work on, because I do have a lot of really really good, strong boundaries in place, But one of them that I am bad at is I will say no to people that are not in my close circle. Like if somebody that i've a friend of a friend has said come to my party, I'll say no, Like I don't really know,
you don't really have time. I won't say that to them, but I'm like, hey, I can't if I have probably like I can count them on two hands. The people in my life that I can basically never say no to Laura could call me at any time of the day or night with anything, and I'd be like, she could call me at one am and be like I really need a coffee and I'd be like, don't worries, I'll just go yep, cool, I'll be there in a minute. Like there's people that I would actually never do that
to you. That's the thing. Don't make it sound like I call you one. She doesn't. Could you come up here and give me a foot massage? But my point is that I don't know if that's a boundary thing or not. I don't know if that's just because I love to love and care for the people that I do have in my circle, so they My point is Laura would never ask me to do that, but if she did, I would do it, That's my point. But I would be like, sure, I am not doing anything else.
I will come up. But that's okay, because that's what I have said is okay in my life, because I know in myself I'm happy to I won't resent the person. The problem comes when you're saying yes to people and doing things for people that you actually don't want to do. That's when the resentment comes and that's when the problems come. That's when you need to start with your soft nose.
And also when we talk about this idea of bound and we say that there's like a hard line sand and then there's often like a little bit more fluidity into it. It also changes in the relationship and also depends on how long you've been with someone. For example, Matt and I have a really healthy relationship where I think it's really healthy. You know, we fight from time to time, like any couple does that, we have our normal tives. We bicker about normal bickering shit, but overall
our relationship is really great. We love and we trust each other, and we have really healthy boundaries, which is something that I've not had in any past relationship, and it's something that I'm really like. It makes me really feel safe and secure, and I'm really proud of that we have this in this relationship. If Matt cheated on me, that would one hundred percent be crossing my hard boundary. Would I break up with him because of that? No, I would work through that. It doesn't mean that the
boundary hasn't been crossed. It doesn't mean that I haven't been betrayed. But if he showed up to that conversation, was immensely sorry, was never going to do it again, and we worked through it, worked the drunk as to why it happened. Then you can over come these It's not like you have a boundary and as soon as someone breaks it.
You're like, fuck you, we are broken up.
It doesn't have to be that, But it is knowing that there has to be a consequence when a boundary is broken, right, because if there's no consequence, then what's the point in having them.
This comes into the next conversation, the next chapter of this conversation, which is how to set your boundaries. So again, like it's easy for us to say have them, but how to set them? So the number one thing is literally set your boundaries, write down or knowing yourself what you will and will not tolerate, what behaviors you will accept and you will not accept. And this is your family, your partner, your friends, the postman, your colleagues, like you
just have to know. And the second one goes into what Laura said, which is, once you know your boundaries, you need to decide what the consequences are if someone does encroach or break one of these boundaries. And one of these rules. So this is going to happen at some stage, right, Someone is going to cross the line at some stage. If you don't know what your consequence is, it's going to be really difficult when you're on the spot, and you're probably gonna be biased by that person too,
especially if it's a partner. You're going to probably probably let more slide than you would want to because you love them and you have this emotional relationship. So you need to decide from the get go. Don't get sucked in on the spot. Don't tell yourself if he does this one more time, I'm leaving. I swear to God one more time, only for him to do it again. And then you're like, Okay, that's cool, cutie. What do you want for dinner?
Yeah, you know, I'll work through it a second time for me, once, for me twice.
It's like Laura, She's like, I would work through it the first time, but you probably know that your boundary is if he did that again.
Oh my god, his ass would be on the curve. But yeah no, And that's what I mean. You can have a behavior or something can be broken once because we're human, you know, we all make mistakes. We're all gonna accidentally not the cheating as an accident. You know, you don't accidentally fall into another human, but you know if you.
Accidentally fall on their dick, Laura didn't mean to. It's not that they're accidents.
But we all make bad choices at different points in our life, and we can all put on too much pressure onto our friends. We can all expect too much of other people because we all have the propensity to be a little bit selfish at times. But if someone is continuous doing it, then you have to figure out what your consequences are. And you know that is a
very clear cut, black and white one. But what if it's a situation where it's with your friend, for example, and maybe your friend is just super emotionally draining and they are constantly coming to you and expecting so much of you and your time, and it's a very intense and all encompassing friendship that you're not getting a lot out of anymore, But you feel indebted to say yes to you because you're worried about what impact it would have on your friend.
If it's a long distance relationship, I'm sorry that I've been unloaded on you. No this is not you, Ji.
If you have a situation with a friend like that, the consequences aren't going to be that you're going to break up with your friend, but the consequences might be that you sit down, you have an open conversation. Honestly, conversations are usually the consequence that happens when about it
is being broken. You sit down, you have a conversation, and you explain why you're feeling the way you're feeling, and what you need as a friend in order to get back to being in a place where you feel comfortable. And that could be pushing back, saying no and saying look, you know, I'm really sorry, but you're expecting too much of me.
So the next up is just to make sure that once you set your boundaries, once you know what the consequences are, the next thing is to make sure that you actually follow through them. Now, even if I'm only going back to Lauren Matt's example, because it's consistent, it's just match cheated on her. She's like, cool, I know my boundary is that I'll work through that. Matt cheats. He on her again. She knows that that was her hard no boundary, so she needs to follow through that
and leave, so she says it's over. I'm done. Even if they then go and work it out at a later point, he knows that that definitely was the hard no, Like she's I can't walk all over anymore because she I did actually nearly lose her. And I mean, this is a bad example, but I'm just trying to say that you one hundred percent need to follow through. You can't put an empty thread out to someone. If you do it again, it's done, and then it's not done.
All that does is set a precedent that you can be walked all over and that you are a doormat.
Conversely to that, it is one thing for us to say that you do have to have boundaries, but it's another thing to say that you still do have to be a bit flexible and be able to meet people halfway sometimes. And I'm going to give you an example of what I mean by this, especially when it's with like somebody you love, you might have a boundary, or you might say to your partner, I'm very independent. I
don't need to speak to you every single day. It doesn't mean I don't love you anymore, but maybe if I don't call you at night, that's okay. It doesn't mean anything. If your partner has been through a really traumatic event and they say to you, it's really important for me that we check in with each other every night, that's okay to ben that boundary because that's something that you can meet half way. And why can't you just call and check in because you know that it helps
your partner. So it's important to be like, if it doesn't actually put you out, and you still have to want it, you can't be doing something you don't want. If it's not putting you out, to call for five minutes and say how are you and check in because you know it's going to put your partner at ease, then that's okay.
It's a really funny one, isn't it. Because I think one of the like something I struggled with early in my relationships was personal space and not personal space for myself, but I really struggled with when my partner would want personal space. I took it as a defense. I took it that they didn't want to be around me, and.
Which they didn't. But that's not necessarily bad. That's makes some good. But they didn't They want to say one of the personal space what personal space is. But it's not necessarily negative totally.
But I think it can be offensive and it can feel like rejection, but I think it's really.
Healthy, you know, to have time apart.
And I guess this is something that I navigated in a past relationship. But this all came down to personal boundaries. One of my exes wanted to have at least one night a week where we weren't together, and he made a real point of saying this, and I took that as a massive rejection. I was like, we usually have a night apart anyway, so like, why do you need to make a real point of making sure that I know that that's something that you need. And so I
interpreted it the wrong way. I was also immature. I'll own that my reaction to it, my frustration towards him, and my own personal hurt towards it, was because one I was a bit codependent at that point in my life. We've talked about it loads my own frustrations and pentap anxieties.
I was codependent. I took that as rejection, and I didn't understand that he was just exercising an absolute right that he has, which is to put in place some personal boundaries and say, you know, I need some personal time. It wasn't like he was saying I need a night to mine because I want to go on Tinder and hook up with other chicks. He was just like, I literally want tonight to myself, to do my washing, to hang out with my housemates, and to just have a
bit of me time read a book. But I took that poorly, and that wasn't a reflection of him setting boundaries. That was a reflection of my inability to be able to accept them. So that was my issue.
There is another quote that I really love to in regards to doing things for people that you don't want to do, and that is that acts of affection and interest are only valid if they're performed without expectations. So you need to be doing things for people because you want to and not because you expect anything else, not because you feel like you have to, or you're doing
it so that they do something back. And I think that that's a really important thing because I used to do things in my early relationships purely because I wanted the same thing back, or I did it because I wanted a specific reaction and I had to learn that you can't always control people's reactions and what they're going to give back. Now, I do things because I want to make people happy, not because I want them to
give me anything back. And I think that that is a really, really powerful statement.
The last thing I want to say on this whole topic, and we talked about this a little bit on the Anxiety Yet, which is the last episode we did. Everything
gets easier the more that you exercise it. So if you're somebody who really struggles with asserting what your boundaries are, every single time you flex that muscle just a little bit and then just a little bit more, and every time you have those awkward and sometimes confrontational conversations which don't need to be confrontational, but they can feel like
confrontation for someone who really avoids it. Every single time you say no, or you put up a boundary or you stand up for yourself, which is essentially what having a boundary is, you stand up for yourself, you make it a little bit easier to do it the next time. And you also, by doing that, invest in your own self worth, because you're saying by doing that, you're saying, I won't be treated like this because I'm worthy to be treated better than this. So then it's a feed loop.
Well that person goes, ah, okay, well I'll treat you better. So one you're getting more respect from that person, You're being treated better by that person, and you feel good about yourself because you have stood up for that little person inside who deserves to be defended. That is like the perfect little round, wholesome what's it called circle of life? Of boundaries and self worth?
Well, we've spoken about the connection between self worth and setting boundaries and relationships. So we have put a little checklist together that have come from some very very intelligent, reliable sources, and it's just a checklist to see, hey, do you fall into this category A little bit, just something for you to really have a little think about yourself.
Difficulties setting and maintaining boundaries due to fear or guilt, feeling too apologetic and you're not sure why, excessive neediness which I have fallen into before, allowing yourself to be put upon or burdened by other people, taking on too many responsibilities and feeling resentful about it. We allowing yourself to be controlling or be controlled by others. That's a really important one the feeling of like you can't stand off yourself and you have to do what everyone tolds
you to do. That's a really important one.
Another reflection of low self worth, which is one that I think is super important, is this idea of being orientated around a scarcity or lack in general. So if you're frightened that you're never going to meet someone, if you're focus on a scarcity mindset, then you're more inclined to have low self worth because you're like, well, I'll put up with this behavior because I'll never find something better.
Another important one is self sabotage, and I think this is a really really big one, staining toxic relationships when you know if they are toxic deep down, you know, and this feeling of emptiness or emotional void and not feeling good enough.
So if you fall into the category of thinking that maybe you need to do some work on your self esteem and on your self worth, I guess the big one and the absolute drive home comment from this, and you can put this on an Instagram post, you can quote it is that your value is not determined by what other people think of you, and your self worth is not determined by what other people think of you.
You need to be able.
To be confident, and it really comes down to self love, which sounds a bit woo woo, but it really does. You need to be able to love yourself, to be able to put yourself first, and to be able to protect and respect yourself. That's like the fundamentals to this.
But how do you do that?
I guess one of the biggest ways of getting to a point where you really fucking love yourself, and not in like an Instagram kind of way, but just in like real life kind of way is investing in yourself doing things like reading a book, working on maybe a business idea that you have, doing things that like aren't for other people, and at the end of the day, the value add that you're going to get back is
entirely for yourself. None of that is selfish. Maybe it's simple thing like going for a run or setting yourself a new goal.
I remember, like she Sherry.
Your sister Britz, said she couldn't run, and then she set her goal that she wanted to run a half marathonal or whatever it is. But it's like this sense of self achievement that comes from setting yourself a goal and being able to achieve that. So it's like celebrating the small wins for yourself as well, but really trying new experiences, pushing yourself outside of your comfort zone and doing things solely for yourself is how you invest in your self worth totally.
And another one that's really this seems like a really basic and simple one, but it's remembering that no one is perfect and everyone makes mistakes. Because a really big reason behind you feeling like you're not good enough is because you think that everyone else is kicking goals and you're not, and that you're the only human in the world that can't achieve something or is making a mistake.
You're just really too hard on yourself. So always remember any person that you see that you think is kicking goals, they have gone through a lot of failures. First. Every person that is successful, every person in the world that is successful, has failed previously. So don't be so hard on yourself. Oh man, I had this the other day right put it on Instagram.
I was like, we had some people coming over to do some filming at our house and like Britt will attest to this, my house is a freaking bombshell. Like it constantly is a fucking mess. I cannot keep it clean. We will clean it, It'll be perfect for like five hours, and then by the end of the day it's a mess again. And I see other people on Instagram and I play the comparison game and I see what other people's houses look like, and I think I'm so useless,
Like I'm embarrassed by our home. And then I think, you know what, if I feel like this, I'm sure lots of other people feel like this, and I put that on my stories and like the amount of people who wrote back to me are the mums who are in similar situations with young kids, who are like, girlfriend, I hear you, But this was something, and it's so small,
but it really impacts my feeling of being worthy. Like this fact that I can't keep a clean house makes me feel really useless and it's something that gets me down constantly, and it makes me not want to have people over, Like I don't want people to come to my house because I'm scared of being judged by them. Our producer tried to come over the other day and Laura's like, naht my veto, we know you can't come to my house. She's like we're not there yet. No,
we're not that close to friends. Brick can come over. She's sitting in the bedroom right now. That's where we are at in our relationship. But it's like, I don't get myself worth from cleaning my house. That's not what makes me feel good about myself. I have other things that really attribute to my self worth and make me feel proud of the things that I can do. And I think for every single person it's different. Maybe for
you it is keeping clean house. Maybe that is something that really makes you feel like you're kicking some fucking goals in your life, and that's great. For me, it's spending time with my kids and doing business stuff. It's just every single person is different, so you have to figure out what works for you, But you also have to figure out your triggers. What is it that makes you feel a bit worthless? What is it that makes
you feel like you're not good enough? And then when you're experiencing that, acknowledge, Okay, this is something that I don't have nailed, and maybe the comparison game is making me feel bad because other people are good at this, but you are not going to be good at everything in life. Girlfriend, and it is okay if your house is covered in shit, not physical shit, that would be very hygienic.
But you know what, you know what I mean. But just I just want to finish it off by saying that probably the most important thing is surrounding yourself with good people, being in a good relationship, having good friends around you, having good work colleagues around you, and controlling what you can change. So, if you know that you're keeping people around you that are no good for you, maybe that's your partner. Maybe deep down you know you're
in this toxic relationship. You can't ever expect a change without changing. So the definition of insanity, as we all know, is expecting a different outcome but not doing anything different along the way. So, if you know there is someone in particular, a few people, a group of people, an environment that is not good for you, and he's putting you down and making you feel shitty, if there is an option for you to change that, which I'd be very surprised if there's not, then you should look at
taking that. Okay, guys, you know we never finished an episode without our suck and our sweet a highlight, our lowlight of the week, and I'm going to kick it off. I have two socks this week. That is cheating. They happened on the same morning. Yeah, okay, yesterday, two sucks one.
I'm a coffee downer. Two sucks you but no, but they're dumb sucks, like they're stupid.
All right, right, it'll be same more. It was the same day I woke up in the morning. I'm a coffee fiend. I love coffee. I've got a little coffee machine at home, which I've to be fair, I've probably abused it. It broke. I got up one of my coffee and it broke, and I was devastated because it's not that old. So that was my first suck. It probably is under a year. It probably has a warranty, but I can't bother to deal with that.
However, does it come down to the length of time or the amount of coffees? Because like, I've had my coffee machine for a year and it's been used about ten times.
Are you serious? I find to the cows. Come on now. I really like buying coffee. I mean I do that too.
I really like going to a I like the experience of getting a coffee. So I bought a coffee machine during COVID, thinking that I would use it, and then I realized, no, I just like getting coffee from cafe.
Oh, I use mine daily anyway. My second sak is, if you guys follow me on the gram, you know that I'm a bit of whilt. I'm a coffee fine. I'm a bit of a plant fiend. Like I love plants. I have heaps and plants in my house. And I have this beautiful big it was probably too big for my apartment, but this beautiful big palm in my lound trip. It is a gorgeous plant. What was gorgeous? Oh dear.
I also have a very very freezing apartment. It's not insulated, the windows don't even close properly, and it's so cold. So I got a heater. I put the heater on. Well, no, and I didn't realize the heater was under the farm. You know when you're younger and you get those like twisty the little chips, and you put them in the oven and they shrivel into like a mini packet, and then you turn your bird of paradise into a keyp ring. Yeah, that's what I did. It like shriveled the whole palm up.
It's hurled in on itself like a little hermit crab, and I'm devastated because it was I was really expensive, but with my pride and joy, it was like the best thing I've ever done in my life was keep this palm lot.
That's when you know that you're a real adult, when you're like pride and enjoy is having plant babies. Honestly, like people walk in and they're like, oh my god, I love your plants, and it just gives you this real sense of like accomplishment. You're like, I know, I'm an adult that has my shit together. Look at my plants.
I've admitted defeat. I'm old.
There we well not anymore because you managed to fuck this one up. So then that means that you're retaining your youth. Only twenty year olds kill their plants, all right, what's yours?
Okay? I have one one aage. I'm sticking to the rules.
So I suck this week is that Marley is still not sleeping.
It's making it's making everything.
It's making everyday jobs very hard, running on like four hours sleep, and we have a newborn. I would think that the newborn should be responsible for that, But no, the toddler doesn't sleep anyway. That's my suck, the lack of sleep. I think last night I got up seven times in six hours.
Gross seeing stars. It's so you look good though you have kids. Kids are a great idea, like if you really want to get to the best contraception for me.
Okay, No, I think Molly's actually getting her molars, which would explain why she's been awake like a million times.
Anyway, Okay, my.
Sweet is that my sister is a labor and she just messaged me to say that she is getting contractions now after her water's broke.
You better get the hell out of here.
Today is her due date, so she will be having a baby in a few hours, which is great.
We're gonna go to them having a baby that is here. We've got to get Laura to the hospital so she can deliver a baby.
Also, I just want to say thank you to everybody who has left a review recently. You guys are amazing some of the reviews. I was in tears reading the reviews the other day, which sounds I'm hormonal, I'm breast deprivation. It's a lot going on, but to know how much this podcasts has made an impact in some people's lives
really means the absolute world to Brittan Night. I mean, as much as we're here to bring the moles and bring the funny stories, we really hope that and we really appreciate how much you guys appreciate the fact that we do a lot of research for these podcast episodes and we put a lot of time and energy and love into it because it means the world to us to be able to do this.
Yeah, and we do want to make a difference. So when you guys tell us that it does make a difference in some way, which we actually got so many of you writing after the anxiety episode, which we we just loved because that was important to us to do that in a really good way, in an effective way and do it justice. So thank you so much to everyone that wading in. We love you, We love that you love us.
That was weird that jump onto the Instagram which is at Life Uncut Podcast, Jump onto Facebook which is also a Life Uncut podcast group. And you know the drill, Tell your mum, tell your dad, tell your dog, tell you cousin, t fish, tell you frog too. We'll just tell everybody and share the love because
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