Life Uncut acknowledges the traditional custodians of country whose lands were never seated. We pay our respects to their elders past and present.
Always was, always will be Aboriginal Land. This episode was recorded on Cameragle Land.
Hi, guys, and welcome back to another episode of Life Uncut. I'm Brittany, I'm Laura, and Laura's really really had a week. She is here. She is smiling, which is am I?
Yeah?
Am I here? Am I smiling? You're smiling and you're here. But I think it's like in that you know when you're smiling like that mannic way, you know when you're laughing at something and you're smiling.
Alanis Morissette where it's like cry at a funeral. Also very fitting. Sorry, yeah, but.
This is what I mean. You're here in your harvest group. Yeah, you're having a wonderful time. You've cracked some jokes, but it hasn't been a wonderful week. No. I love being here, guys.
I'm never going to I'm on the podcast and complain about doing the podcast, because you guys, this is like the best thing that we get to do with our weeks is being here and doing this sorry.
But yeah, I mean here i'd say he's the best thing I get to do each week.
But sorry to my children who I love. But I mean, we'll talk.
About it in a little bit, but we kind of don't want to get into it as like the intro of the crux of this episode. But if you listen to last Tuesday's episode, you would know that I was talking about my suck was that my nana was really unwell. Well, I have much worse suck this week, and that is that my nana passed away last week.
Yeah, and she was.
Ninety four, so like amazing, it was her time.
You know, It's not as though she had a lot of life left in her and I've spoken about her so much on the pod around her dementia and kind of the last five years since my papa passed away.
But it doesn't make it any less hard.
It's still really sad, and I just feel I feel absolutely flattened by the week, is how I feel.
Well, do you want to talk about it now or do you want me to divert for a minute and then we can come back and sit in it.
What would you prefer?
This is what you like to do for you?
You tell me your funny stories first, and then I can talk about Shirley.
Okay, I'll tell you the only thing I happened to me this week, which is I'm crying. I know, so I'm going to distract it for a minute. The only thing that really shook me this week. I'm having a real parenting crisis. I'm not an actual parent, obviously, but I have Delilah, my dog. She's the love of my life. I imagine this is what it feels like when your kid goes to preschool and they call up and they say, you know your child's been bullying people.
Delilah's a terror, that's why. What has she done?
Now?
This is how I feel. This is what I actually felt like it. I was embarrassed, I was upset. I was really going through the emotions, and I was like, well, I get a grip, Brittany. Obviously, my period's coming or something. She goes to two dog walkers a week because when we have huge days of radio when podcasting, I'm out all day. She's an Australian shepherd. She cannot be at home, so I pay these two separate dog walkers. They come get her in the morning. She's with them all day
with a group of dogs that there's always photos. They're having the time of their life, and then they drop her back. Both dog walkers independently this week basically kicked her out a dog school.
No, they haven't.
Yep, she's the bully.
What does she do She picks some of the dogs.
No, she doesn't. She's very friendly, but she's really really possessive and obsessive, right, and so producer Keisha knows the same thing because she produced. Keisha's looked after for a
long time since she was a puppy. And what she thinks she's she's so obsessed with who she thinks her person is that if somebody, another dog or somebody comes too close and she gets a bit funny, she'll be very like aggressive, as in not fight it, but get in between us, growl at it like so she doesn't bite it or anything, but she's quite intimidating.
Oh I've I've seen because the only reason why I make jokes is because anytimerit's come over to our house, in my house and Buster just wants to come and hang out with me.
Delilah's like, oh.
Fuck you up.
Bus is like I live here that's my mom do. She tries to protect me from my own dog.
Resource guardians a word like resource.
Like, I'm not food.
Usually it's about like, it's about kibble.
It's not usually about the human that you don't know that well.
Yeah, resource guarding is with food and balls, which she also does. So she got into a fight last week at dog school because someone else tried to take her ball. But it wasn't her ball. She took it from that dog, so the dog was trying to get her own ball back. So anyway, they both independently were like, we think Dylila might be better students. So what are you going to do?
You've lost both your dog walkers. We're saying, as in Jody like or who we love. Jody can't do her anymore.
Jody's put her on a one month trial. One more month.
Oh she must be. Jody will take anything. Jody will take any dog.
Jody loves Egi dog. My dog walkers are amazing. I don't want anyone to think that they're not. Like Demi and Jody shout out, there are incredible people. There's obviously a space in both groups.
Now I get vouch for this because Jody, who she's a lifer as well.
We love you. You probably are, I don't hope you are.
Jody has been my sister's dog and my sister's dogs who are like fourteen years old now, like she's been my sister's dog walker for so long.
She then became Buster's dog walker, and then now she's Delilahs.
Dalilah is the only dog that I have ever known that Jodie's like too much.
But that's years.
That's real sad. So we need to do something about this. Okay, So here's where I'm at. So she's been banned from Wednesday. I'm not laughing, and everyone thinks that I'm not like I have tried to train Delilah consistently from a puppy. She's gone to dog schools, she's gone to Elite dog school, she's got puppy camp, she's been to agility school. I've trained her like she's.
But we also got kicked out of agility school, remember, but.
That's because she wanted to have sex with them.
She like.
First like a mom because she was on heat, but she she didn't focus anyway, Long story short, we've been I just want people to know it's not because I'm neglectful, like I have tried to put in the work. So this is where she's at Wednesday's band. I'm going to find her someone else, which you know, my my dog. It's like, look, it's not like I'm dropping her now. I love her. If she's just hard, I'll do it for the next month and give you time to find someone else. And I was so deeply hurt, like she
was a direct reflection of me. And then on theears though, that's the problem, that's the problem.
Do you know what's worse than this?
The only thing worse than this is when daycare calls you to tell you that your kid has knits and your your kid is the nit kid. And that was my experience recently, and I was like, oh my god, the shame, the horror.
Well, a child's the nitchild.
DEMI goes and she's got fleas.
Your child's the nitchild.
I was joking.
Well, good parenting, Brits.
So she's got a one month trial for her Monday left to see if she can be better. So I feel all this pressure now one month to prove herself. So she's recommended me a dog trainer that she said is good I have never used him, so I've reached out to him and it's so funny. I've reached out to Heim on Instagram and was like, oh my god, you've been recommended. I've got an Aussie blah blah. Do you think you can help me? And he wrote back straight away and he's like, yeah, like we could do that.
Tell me what you think the problems are and we'll go from there. And so I told him all the problems blanked. Raize hasn't written back, and I'm like, I'm just going to give him the benefit of the doubt for a day. He's probably on holiday with his family.
But the thing about Delilah is she kind of reminds me. You know, when you're at school and someone's like so hot, You've like the hot person, but they don't have to work on their personality.
Pretty privileged exists in the dog world.
She know she's hot, guy, she she does.
She has. Actually I have been catch you know, looking in the mirror somehow, Like sometimes I see her staring in the mirror and I'm like.
Are you looking at yourself?
Mom? Like daughter, hang on. What I want to say in her defense is that she's actually the most perfect dog with people with kids, with her affection, her everything. It's just this resource obsessiveness and the protectiveness is too much, and it's the problem when we're in public, at home and when it's just us. But it's the protection thing, and I don't know, like fair right she wants to keep me. No.
I think we need to give Delilah a bit of slack because she comes from a broken home, like her dad left when she was a baby.
Her dad walked out.
Fuck you Delightah.
She comes from a broken home. Her dad walked out when she was a baby. Her mom is a working mum. She knows, she's busy, she's always with the nanny. It's a really hard life living like that as a gilt an anxious attachment style.
Yeah, are you saying I'm supposed to feel guilty being a working mom and putting bacon in that bowl.
Absolutely, you're doing the best that you can with what you have.
Damn straight the salmon. Anyway, if you're a dog walker, I mean if you're a dog walker or b a dog trainer more importantly, so sorry, back to the one month trial. What because Jodi has said, I know, trust me, stay with it. Jody has said that if she can improve in a month, she'll keep her on. So I'm on a one month time frame to whip that dog into shave probation so that she can stay with her dog walker. Pray for me, everyone, if you have dog, train to slne to my DMS. Anyway, that's my that's
my life update. Thank you.
I needed that. That was great, Love you, dah Well, look, we do love Dalilah.
I mean she could come to the studio if she didn't drop her hair everywhere.
Maybe Kim just start bringing her in and put her in the corner. She's really chill now.
I think it's more the hair factor.
I'll bring it vackum.
Okay, I'm not against it's not my studio. So I mean speaking this is not speaking of pussy.
I was gonna say, speaking of dogs, then pussies. I mean kind of like within the same realm, but slightly different. So last week we were talking about the word pussy, as in like you know, calling someone a pussy for not being brave enough, like jump off the cliff, your pussy, Yeah, just do what you pussy, And then we kind of, you know, as I said it, and as the word
pussy actually you think you said it. But anyway, as the word came out of someone's mouth in here, the like PC lens of mind was like, oh God, somebody in the comment section is gonna come have it.
They're gonna fucking come for us for the use of the word pussy.
Now, then we ended up getting into a weird conversation about Betty White and how like pussies are actually really strong.
They take a pumpy take a look.
We really tried to cover all bases there, but anyway one of you guys slid in to our dms or into the space someone's sleep.
We got scolled.
Someone slid it into my pussy and told me that actually the word pussy, like calling someone a pussy for not being strong enough, has nothing to do with vaginas. So we can all like stop worrying about it because I know everyone's been losing sleep. So the word pussy originates from the word puss alanimus, which is showing a lack of courage or determination or is timid pus alanimous. So the next time someone is being pussy, don't call them a pussy, call them a pussy lannimus And it means.
It's okay to use it without feeling guilty, like it's like a derogatory term related to the vagina.
Yeah, because let's not put our vaginas or revolvers down. Let's not call people pussies. Let's call them puslanimus. When I say, when I always said pussy, though, puss alanimi, because what's the plural of it, just one flat puss alanimie.
When I used the term pussy, I don't cringe. I would always say to somebody, you're a pussy, but not because I never actually associated with a vagina. I just associated it with being scared. Because when I hear the word pussy in relation to a vagina, I cringe. I don't like vaginas being called pussy. So if I was hooking up with someone who's like, show me a pussy, I'd be like, Eh, there's a front door, that's what I'll show you. I don't like the term actor as well,
first date. I don't like the term pussy in relation to a vaginal.
Agree, but everyone's different, Like some people find that really hot and steamy. There isn't a term. This is the unfortunate thing for me. There isn't a term for revolver or for a vagina that a guy can say in sex that makes me feel like that's sexy.
So I would your word if if you're getting into it and he's trying to sexy talk and he has to use a word to refer to it, what would you want if it's not.
Because if it had to happen for me, it'd be pussy.
Yeah, that's the thing, because if someone's like the word that there is, but I don't enjoy it being said.
I'm not like, yeah, that's it.
That doesn't work.
It's your volver, like, it doesn't turn me on. It doesn't it's not my volvo the car. No, it doesn't turn you on. Okay, But what is yours when it comes to a penis.
If I'm probably cock? Yeah, so basic willy dick Once I said once I said willie, but like, get your willie up, show me a willie, I would say no, But I think dick's okay as well.
No, I think it's cock for me.
If I'm going to dirty talk, dick feels like a like a swear word, like if I'm calling someone a dick, Like it doesn't really feel like something to bring into the bedroom.
But I wouldn't really call someone a cock. Okay. The relation for the true dick for me just is like a okay, regular penis. But when you say cock, it makes it sound like it's going to destroy you, Like cock just means it's going to dare you. But so it's like it's a real compliment, isn't it. I think men would want it to be referred to as a seriously, k Yeah, I.
Like that you spelt it out after saying cock five times. All right, well, look off that back of that note.
I'm sure my name would really appreciate us talking about her.
Now. That's sorry, Shirley, mate, what a segue.
I wonder what she used to use.
We love she said.
Cock or dick?
Anyway.
So look, the reason why I want to talk about this isn't because I mean it's a weird one for me, because I kind of partly feel like you almost can't be sad when someone who's ninety four years old passes away because it is so not a tragedy, especially when my NaN's had dementia for so long, and for the past five years, I think her.
Life has been really hard.
She's she's been living in a home she lost her husband and like the love of her life. My grandparents were together since she was sixteen and her whole life, and so for the past like five years, every time you see how she's always.
Like, love you ready to die now? So she's thrilled, like this is exactly what she wanted. I love you, kill me on the way out. But it's funny.
The only thing I will say that I don't know if I agree with, and I just think that we're told that when someone has lived a long life, like they're in their nineties, we're told that like, you shouldn't be sad, you should be happy they had a fulfilling life, which is so true, but you can still be sad that that person that has been a part of your whole life, even though they've lived a little life, it's
still sad, like you've still lost someone. It's just it makes it a little bit more comforting to know they had the great life, but it doesn't take away the grief totally.
And for me, it's a bit different because my grandparents were more than just grandparents to me, Like I lived with my grandparents growing up, so my nan was my second mum and my grandfather filled my paper. He filled such a paternal role in my life and for that, like, I'll be forever grateful for them, because they were during a time when my childhood was very chaotic. They were the one relationship that was always stable, and they always showed up for me and my sister and my brother.
So they were really incredible people.
But the reason why I wanted to talk about it is because we have an episode that's coming out tomorrow. It is with hospice nurse Julie, who is very prolific across TikTok, and we recorded this before we actually went on holidays, and so at the time, my Nan didn't have pneumonia and she wasn't unwell. And one of the things that hospiciness duly talked about in this episode is this moment of clarity that often people have when they are in palliative care and they are in the final
stages before death. And I'm genuinely so grateful that we had done that interview and we'd had that conversation just before Nan passing away, because I think it gave me a little bit of an understanding and a bit of a preparation for what was going to happen. I didn't expect the timing to be so soon, but it really
made a massive difference to me. And the reason why it did make this massive difference is because one of the things that Julie was speaking about is that when some patients, whether it be dementia patients or very elderly, have been like non responsive or have been like very unconnected for a long time, that they have these moments, often in the final stages just before death, of lucidity, where they come to and they're able to have conversation
and talk. And she said that there's this experience that some people have which no one knows why, but it seems this real, like lucid connection again with reality.
Like the fog lifts for a minute.
Yeah, And my nan has not been very conscious at all for the last couple of weeks, even when she didn't have pneumonia. You were only getting sort of like very short replies out of her. But I went down there to Woongong two nights before she passed away, and nobody else had had a conversation with her. My sister had been down there that same day and she hadn't
even woken up. And at last she was at the hospital for over an hour, and I got down there and she was completely asleep, and she was like very heavy in the chest and like real like drool of trying to breathe. And then I sat down and I was just having a conversation with her, like I was just talking to her as though she could understand what I was saying, even though she was completely not conscious. And then she started to show signs after about twenty
minutes that she knew I was there. She was like moving her hand and then after a little bit longer, she was trying to raise her hand up to hold my hand, and then slowly she started showing more and more awareness that I was there. What happened next was like truly incredible and something that I will keep with me for the rest of my life.
She woke up and she wanted she was like, my back is sore.
She wanted to sit up in bed, so I got the nurse, and the nurse came in and sat her up, and then we spent an hour and forty minutes just talking about all the memories that we have, Like she was prompting me on stories about my papa, things like how he would ride his bike to go see her and put newspaper down his shirt to stay warm because they had no money. And she was like the big paper, the sun Herald, because it covered him up more. And she was actually the one who was prompting these stories.
And she, you know, she was saying things like what about the rat, the rat behind the oven, and then trying to prompt me on stories about from when I was living in Lizmore and how he had this rat that ended up behind the oven, and these things that I thought that there's no way that she would remember, but she remember them so clearly. Even if the timeline wasn't exact, she got like the timeline mixed up, but the stories themselves she remembered.
Well. It's it's also when you think of dementia, a lot of dementia patients, it's quite short term. All the second half of their life, they forget things. But when you think about the fact how involved you were in their life, like you lived with them from a really young age. So all her memories, she she does remember that whole part. You know, if that was me and my nan, I didn't have that relationship, so she might
not have remembered who I even was. But you were such an integral part of her life, so it must be so nice for her to but like so random, like they're rat at Uni that time, Like what a strange memory. Well it was.
I mean, like the story behind that is probably too the much to get into, but it was that was very no I cooked it. I lived in Lismore and like I was living in a terrible share house and the last straw was this rat that ended up like running through the kitchen and jumping behind the oven. And I called my nan at the time and I was
like I can't live here anymore. And her and my papa drove up to come pick me up from liz Moare and bring me home and so and so she was like remember the rat and because she was like, you'll let me get squalor.
Which that must have been a really big moment for her to, Yeah, that's what stood out. There must have been a moment where she's like I'm going to go protect my granddaughter, like I'm going to go get her and bring her home to safety, like she's she's remembered, she you remember that.
And she also talked so much about like having dreams about Papa. She said I've been seeing Papa a lot, which was really sweet. And then I asked her. I know it's probably a bit late to ask, now, Nan, but what do you want at your funeral? Like, if you have a choice, what do you want to have there? She goes, I just want your papa to be there. And I was like, oh, Nan, because sometimes she would.
Forget that he's not alive.
And I was like, oh, Nan, you know Papa's he'll be with you, he won't be there, and she goes, oh.
In the ad.
So she wanted me to bring there to the funeral.
Would you Yeah, would you put them together?
Yeah, he's under the kitchen bench at the moment, so we're going to bring in. I think he's been waiting for Nan.
There.
Thing is that they always wanted to get cremated and thrown off no mount mount Kembler, Makira. They always want to get thrown off like this mountain.
Which mountain is because Ma Kira, I'm gonna throw it somewhere up. So he's been waiting, So that's that's the next step. So your Nan wants to be cremated, and then that's what you guys are gonna do together.
Yeah, we're going to go down as a family and toss them off. So my advice would be to don't go high.
I'll let you guys all know.
Don't hiking that day or Mount Kira because if a bit of dust falls down, it's Nada and Barba on their way down the mountain.
I remember, this is a fucked thing to attach to the back. But we're here, we are. I remember years ago we had an accidentally unfiltered written in about a girl that was on a walk along a cliff face like it was like a beach walk with a guy. They're on a date, I think, and they could feel stuff on them, falling on them, and they were like, what what is this? And they looked around and I looked up and they realized that they were getting someone's
ashes off the cliff. Someone was like spreading ashes and it went all over them. They on their first date. They were covered in a dead person? Like that?
Is that you?
That's a be careful a if you're going for a high can be piss Brettan nashes if you think.
It's a windy day and it's really dusty, like I have a little reassessment as to what's going on no, But anyway, the reason why I wanted to say it, like I said, is tomorrow's episode Hospiceeness Druly, the reality is is that we are all, at some point in our life going to lose someone who we love, and as we get older, those moments seem to happen a lot more frequent than.
What you would like.
And it gave me a lot of comfort doing that interview prior to this happening with Nan, So I would so recommend everybody listens to tomorrow's episode because she is incredible and there's so few people who can speak about the closeness of death and the experience of death and being around a loved one who dies, and also someone who's seen it not just intimately but also objectively as well, because she stood alongside it. So it's an awesome interview it's coming out tomorrow.
Or two things. One thing, I've been around a lot of death in hospital, and this I learned so much more from Nurse Julie, Like it's just such a different lens and a different angle. Like even I think everyone, no matter what stage of life you are at or what grief you've been through, this is an episode for everyone,
Like it was very fascinating and educational. And the other thing I want to add is because I know there might be a lot of people listening now that don't really understand the conversation we just had or how we had it in terms of, you know, we just made a lot of jokes and there's a lot of laughing. But I just wanted to be said that Laura has gone through it in her own way for however long. You know, there's a lot of the time that we
deal with things with laughter. It doesn't we don't want anyone to be offended the fact that we can make some jokes and things like that.
Because it's Oh, I think it's the only way to deal with it.
I mean, yeah, Look, it's been a really hard time for my mum at the moment because, like as you all know, you guys have been listening to the show for a while, Like my stepdad's in palliative care and my mum's just lost her mum. So I think the reason why I feel so flat and so sad isn't just because of Nan.
You know, like NaN's if.
Like she was so ready, I know that she would be like, guys, you're held on to me for way too long. She's like she was done without shit a long time ago. But I feel really feel for my mom because my mum is the primary err for my stepdad at the moment, and then now she's just lost her mum.
So yeah, fuck man life.
Hey, three's just some curve balls and then you've lost your dog walkers, so like it's fuck.
Please don't relate the two my grief this week, whilst it has been tough, not compared to yours.
Anyway, the only way to do with this ship is by having a laugh.
Yeah, okay, well let's get into we're actually talking about today.
So we want to talk about something today. It's called shut up rings or shut up moves.
Do you know what is so funny about this because like, as two people who work in the space.
Of relationships, we have a relationships podcast.
Everywhere that I had read about this, everyone's like, oh, you've all heard of like a shut up ring, And if I genuinely hand on my heart was like, fuck, I'm such a millennial. I had not heard of shut up ring, but I not I understand the concept. We're going to tell you the concept. If you've never heard of a shut up ring.
You are not alone.
So the idea of shut up rings, which we're going to get into, has been around for a while. It is having a little bit of a resurgence, but that is because of this one girl on TikTok who has advanced the idea of shut up rings. It's evolved, Thank you, that was what I was looking for. It's evolved to shut up moves, not just shut up rings. Her TikTok is Monica Millington. But have a listen to what she says about shut up moves.
Now, shut up moves are basically any action that a man will take to get you to shut up in the same ven as a shut up ring. And if you don't know what a shut up ring is, it's basically when you have been in a relationship for long enough and the woman is saying, why haven't you proposed me? Why aren't you proposing And the man eventually proposes, not by his own free will, but because he thinks it will get her to shut up and he can just live his life.
In peace if he marries her.
So, in this commentry situation, the guy is moving in with her just to get her to stop talking about moving in and more importantly getting her to stop talking about the future and getting her to stop talking about where's this going when we're getting married, what's our future look like? Do we want kids?
What's our plan?
And I think as women, we get roped into these things and we think that there are good things in the beginning because we're like, oh my god, we finally got what we wanted. He's finally doing it, he's finally proposing, he's finally moving in, he's finally making.
Moves for our future.
But this is so problematic because it's a short term solution for long term pain, because it's not genuine, it's not authentic, it's not coming from a place of wanting to build lives together.
I think that this is a really interesting concept, and like, as much as you know everything now when it comes to relationships, has a term and has a way in which to explain it. But I think a lot of people would have experienced this, whether it be in their
current relationship or past relationships. And I cannot tell you the amount of questions we get in from people who are saying, you know, I've been with my partner for X amount of years, I really want to get married and he hasn't met me there yet, or I don't know how to bring it up with him, or we've talked about it and talked about it, and yet he's made no attempt or no initiation to kind of actually
take a step in that direction. And I think there's a big question here around knowing where the line is between badgering and nagging someone into doing the things that you want them to do to progress your life and showing someone and explaining to someone the things that you want so that you're on the same page. And I think it's really like, it's an interesting thing about kind of unpacking where does that line sit.
I feel quite uncomfortable when I listen to this, and the reason is I completely understand what women are saying when they're like, oh, I've received shut up rings or shut up moves, or they do this just to keep me quiet. And then it falls apart later because I said, you know, you've got to propose or I'm leaving, Like I've put five years of my life in propose or I'm leaving.
There's an ultimatum.
It's an ultimatum, and at the end of the day, ultimatums are really negative and really detrimental in a relationship, and I think it's quite a last ditch effort to be trying to hold onto something or get something that you want. But the reason I feel a bit uncomfortable with it is I don't want this conversation to be about blaming men like I have pushed you, push you, and push you, and you're not doing it, so then
you do it, and then I get fucked over. At the end of the day, there's two people here in a relationship. Maybe you want different things, but if you have pushed and pushed, we're just going to use the proposal, right, We're going to talk about the ring. If you had said to your partner, I just want to get married and I'm sick of waiting. So if you don't propose by six months, I'm done. I'm going to go find
someone who will marry me. And when I did a deep dive, there were so many of these, like Reddit threads, so many discussion groups, so many people. I was shocked at how many people were putting those ultimatums to their partner and then complaining that it didn't work. Of course, it's not going to work. An ultimatum like that about
proposing by a certain day is a manipulation. It is literally saying you have to have the extreme version of me, like we have to completely get married or you're getting nothing. So of course these people are going to be panicked and manipulated and bullied into that situation. But I think you have to ask yourself, do I really want to get what I want? Because I've pushed that person into a corner?
Yeah, I feel a little bit.
I don't feel like whoa like WO is the men who get manipulated by their female spouses.
I'm not saying that, but I think I don't think we can just blame one of the sexes in these situations.
No, I don't, but I we're speaking predominantly heterosexual relationships here. Obviously every relationship is very, very different. But I think when you have given six years or seven years of your life or eight years or ten years of your life to a relationship, and you have communicated from day dot that marriage and children, whatever, the traditional goals that you have in your life are for where you want
your life to be. You've communicated that, and you have been given the belief that those things will exist in your relationship with that person. But you wait and you wait and you wait. There comes a place where I understand why people feel as though they need to give an ultimatum.
Because they're at their wits ends.
They're like, well, we've had this conversation now for seven years and nothing's happened, and it's a big deal to feel as though you're just going to walk away, Like as a woman who's in that place, who's like, Okay, I've given seven years of my life to this relationship. I want to marry you, I want to spend my life with you. You have said you want those things with me, So when's it happening? What's the problem here? And I think that there are a lot of guys
who are happy to just coast. And the reason for that is is also because they don't need to worry about their biological clock. They're not thinking, oh, I've just taken their fertility window. They're like, well, you know, like I'm not feeling it yet, but I'll just wait and see. Yeah, some people do have this really casual perspective to relationships, and that's okay, that's not a bad thing, but it is a bad thing if you've led someone to believe
the alternate. That's why I understand why some women give men ultimatums. But just because I understand it doesn't mean that I believe that ultimatums will work out favorably.
I think the big thing to kind of.
Unpack here is, how do you know if you're someone who has been waiting for a really long time, or if you're someone who does feel as though you're constantly asking for a thing in your relationship? How do you know that the actions of your partner is than just a shut up ring or a shut up move, like what would be the defining key things that make you go okay. I don't actually think that this is his behavior.
I think he's just done this so that I'll stop asking for this thing that I really want so badly in my life.
We're talking about the person that you hopefully will spend the rest of your very long life with at the end of the day. Do you really want someone that you have to beg and beg and nag and nag and nag and at the end of the day push them into a corner to make that commitment. Now, I'm not blaming either side here. I'm not saying either thing is right.
Or wrong.
I'm just saying I do think that sometimes we need to be a little bit introspective about what we're asking and how we're asking for it, and what we're wanting. Maybe the situation or the person isn't the right person for you, full stop. Maybe they don't want the same things as you, full stop.
That's a really really hard thing to objectively look at in your own relationship and go, this person won't give me what I want.
And having said that, and I'm going to use like a personal example here for me, maybe there's a lot of men out there, and again heterosexual, we're talking men and women. Maybe there's a lot of men out there that don't have a full comprehension or understanding of, like Lauria said, the biological clock or it or what's important to you. So the reason I say that is I'm thirty seven next month, and you guys know that I
don't have a great fertility window. But Ben and I had had these conversations really openly, and this is what I think this all comes back to, is just having a really open conversation about your timeline, what you're looking for, what you want, getting an understanding of if they want the same things. And when I had said to Ben, I had sort of explained. I was like, you know, we said we want to get married, we said we'd probably want to have kids one day, and because we
don't live together, it's a bit different. We had a timeline, and I had to explain to him. I was like, I'd love to get engaged in the next year. He's like, do you feel like there's a rush, Like, what's the rush. I said, well, it's not a rush, but there is a timeline. And for me personally, I would like to be married before I had kids. Not the end of the world, but it's how I see it. It's how I would like the next two to three years to go.
And then I had to explain to him. I say, well, think of the timeline, Ben, like, if I want to have a baby, it's probably going to be IVF, which could take a while, and then our pregnancies, let's just say a year by the time you actually conceive, and then usually an engagement is a year. I said, all of a sudden, that's two and a half three years like that. And I was like, so these are things you got to think of, and he's like, I guess I didn't think of I didn't think of the long timeline.
I just thought you're getting engaged, then you get married and then So I think that that was just an open conversation about how I wanted to see the future and then literally breaking it down to what it looks like. And he's like, wow, I hadn't thought of.
It like that.
Well, I mean I kind of interpret this whole idea of like a shut up ring maybe a little bit differently, And that is is someone might propose and then they have zero initiative or care about actually organizing a wedding or even a date in mind. They're like, oh no, I mean, I'm not worried about the wedding. I was just thinking about the proposal. And that's because it buys
them time within this kind of relationship. I guess my one experience that I can really think about where I know that I was in it was the wrong relationship, but I wanted it so desperately to work, and there was a shut up move, not a shut up ring. I'd been with my boyfriend for almost six years, my first like really really long term relationship, the one I have talked about where I was like convinced that we were going to get married.
He was not, but he never even know we were dating. He never bought me a present.
In five and a half years of our relationship, he never bought me a present. I'm talking Christmas, no present, Birthday, no present. He just never ever ever bought me anything. So weird, it's so weird.
I can not even give you anything nothing.
But it was also my first big relationship, and I was so desperately in love with him that I would have.
Made any excuse, like any excuse for anything. Did I say happy birthday or give you a card?
Did you have just said I'm not a birthday person? Like he just really I am?
Yeah, I know, But I remember we got to like the fifth year, and my birthday had come and gone again and he'd not bought me anything. And so I kicked up a bit of a stink. And like each year I would kick up a bit more of a stink, there would be a bit more passat kind of like commentary around it. And this year I got really passive aggressive, and I was like, you know, I feel as though you don't care, you don't make me feel special on my birthday.
You don't do anything.
You don't buy me anything, not that it's about the gifts, but you don't give me a car. You do nothing that makes me feel special on my birthday. And so two weeks later, he comes home from work this one day, and he'd obviously walked past a store and he's way home from work, and he'd bought a necklace. At the time,
I just started Tony May. I made jewelry for a job, and it was in a weird thing to be given a necklace that was one completely not my style, and two I knew he just picked it up from the shop that we would walk past on the way home. But I know that that was a shut up present. He was like, see, look I think of you. I did this as a spontaneous, active gift giving, like I'm so great, and he, in his mind, had bought him some time. He didn't buy me another present after that.
He never put an effort when it came to the next Christmas or anything. It was like very much an act just to show that he had listened to that conversation. But I do think that there is a very fine line between taking this too seriously, because I think we do need to tell our partners what it is that we want in relationships, and it is important that you know, sometimes we might have to explain to them how we
feel or where we want the relationship to go. I don't like the idea, and there's that saying if they wanted.
To, they would right.
I don't like the idea of thinking that every single person you're in a relationship with intuitively knows you well enough that they will just hit the mark every single time. It's not going to happen. There are going to be times where your partner, no matter how wonderful they are, completely misses the mark and doesn't give you the things that you.
Need in your relationships.
And it's okay to have to explain to them what it is that you need to be satisfied. The difference is having to constantly and repetitively ask for the same thing over and over and over for them to only change their behavior for a short period of time to then go back to their default. That's what I think defines a shut up move or a shut up ring when you go to.
Your relationship, situationship, whatever it is, when you go to them with something that could result in an ultimatum, like what you're needing. I think you really need to be prepared that their answer might not match yours, it might not end the way you want it to, but you need to be prepared to walk away. So if you're saying you need to propose by this time or I'm done, it can't be a threat, because it is a threat, but it has to be something that you're willing to
actually go through with. If you are going to back your partner into a corner in any capacity, you have to really mean it, and you have to be willing to.
Say, but that Jay, I'm going to walk away.
But in saying that, that is still the ultimatum, because if somebody, whether they are absolutely going to do it or they're not going to do it, whether it's a real threat or an empty threat, making and giving that ultimatum still means that ultimately the reason why that person might do the moving in or giving of the ring is because of the extreme. It's like, well, if you don't do this thing, then you get nothing. That's why
they're making the move in the first place. So, I mean, it does kind of come back full circle to this reasoning as to why ultimatums are really unhealthy in relationships. However, sometimes they do have to be made, and they have
to be made for yourself from a self preservationpective. But I think it's really really hard when you have committed so much time to someone and to a relationship to just give up when you see so much potential in where it can be, and you see so much potential in what you want with that person that I think there does come a point where you have to be honest with yourself and really question do they have the
capacity to give me what I want in life? Or am I constantly desiring more than what it is that they are offering me even if they say it, Because we all know people can say one thing and then their actions mean very different things. So if if your partner's saying, oh, yeah, next year we'll get engaged, then next year comes and goes and then they're like, well, yeah, no, you know, we've been really busy. This has come up,
that's come up, it'll be the year after. I think if this behavior has been going on for so long, you have to give yourself a kind of understanding as to what's your timeline going to be. Britt here's a question for you, how long do you think is an acceptable time to wait for something that you want, whether it's moving in with your partner, whether it's getting married.
I just think how long is a piece of string. I don't think you can put a time frame on that that is so dependent an individual on every single relationship, situationship and the way you feel inside your boundaries and what you expect and see in your relationship. I don't think you can say it's like, you know, you've waited
for six months, that's long enough. It depends on their behavior when they're in the relationship as well, like are they blatantly promising you something like next year, we're going to do it and they're not following through? Or is it just a conversation that you haven't really had properly? Is has it been up in the air and you're just thinking, oh, it's been six years, it's got to
be next year without having the conversation. What it comes down to is what is important to you and what you want from that relationship and is your partner going to give it to you. The only way to find those out is to have those really hard conversations, because time and time again, and I have a really good
friend who's still in this situation now. Two people make their motives and the way they see their future very clear at the beginning, but one person always doesn't listen, like they don't match, and one person's always like, I'm going to change them. I know they say, yeah, I know they said they don't want to get married.
But I'll be the exception if we're together.
Four years and we have a kid and they're gonna want to get married, or maybe they say they don't want kids and they've always said that, and then four years in there, you're going to be like, well, surely, like we've lived together, we're gonna spend our life together, Surely they'll want it, and then they get so shocked when they are four years deep in the partner says, I told you I didn't want them.
Yeah. I think that that's a very different situation when when someone's telling you what they want in their relationship, listen to them. But I think it's the alternate that can be really tricky, and it's the alternate that we've received lots of askun cuts on. It's when someone's promising something but their actions don't actually come through with the thing that they are saying that they want. And I
think for me there is a timeline. I know that that's going to be different for every person, but I don't think now. I know in my twenties, I would have waited a long time. Man, I waited six years, right like I waited, and I was so hopeful that he would one day come around and propose to me
and one of the big things I wanted. I do think as you get older, potentially that timeline gets shorter, because I know that, you know, when I met Matt, I wouldn't have stayed in a relationship with him if he wasn't clear that he was on the same page with the things that I wanted and actually followed through
with actions, not just words, with those things. And I think that that's really important for everyone to assess, like what is your timeline and then what is the timeline that you will accept from your partner, because no one wants to be in a relationship where they feel as though they have to badger or nag that person to fulfill the things that's going to make them happy in life, because ultimately, as we know, it won't make you happy anyway.
It is time for our suck and our sweet of our wig, our highs and a los as you know, my ex suck of the week. I don't think I need to go into that again, but my sweet of the week is We went down on the weekend to Wollongong and took my mum and my Annie out for a lunch and it was honestly like my mum needed it so much, but it was just such a nice time to go out and like spend time with family to like reminisce about the things from our childhood. And we went to the restaurant that I used to work
out that I've spoken about before, the Seafood Willongong. In the seafood restaurant in Wollongong.
Were used to eat food off plates and stuff.
Yeah, where I used to stand in the back of the kitchen and eat the scraps of everyone's seafood platter.
But now I'm at a point in my life where I could.
Buy the seafood platter. So that was like it was a real full circle moment for me.
How the turntable, how the turns.
And table, So that was my sweet. Yeah.
And also the kids are on the other side of gastro It's really like shit turned a corner this week.
What a time to be alive in the burn household? Well was it? I don't know. It was a My god, that was such a bag. What a time to be alive. N just not for Nan. Just when I think I can't put my foot in it anymore, I always find a way time to be alive. Except for Lauri's Nan.
She she'd be look, she would laugh, She's fine. She likes a good joke. She loved a good giggle that old Shirley made.
Yeah, I think it's been a particularly it's been a particularly down a week for us, but there's always, even in the shittiest moments, there's always the there's always little.
Sweets that you can hold onto. Yeah, that's it.
Mine is same, Dalilah, little turd burger, She's really been a band of my existence this week. So not gonna lean into that anymore. And my sweet probably similar to last week where I told you my suck, was that my little nephew was here having an operation. Because he's only one, they have to hang around for two weeks
because you have to be close to the hospital. So I got to spend some really good time with my sister in law and my two nephews, one the one that's had the operation because he's out of hospital, and my now two week old nephew.
You just posting photos with a newborn baby. It's the weirdest thing I've ever seen. It's like, I felt weird.
What am I holding? I was? He's got it's is so long and gangling, and I just look at him all the time and I'm like, what I do with you? I'll just hold you. And then I'm like, wow, that's what you do with them, just hold them. But I don't even need to. He's so I just put him down in blanket and he's so fine. I left for eight hours and came back and he was still fine.
That's a joke everyone. That's an equal comedy in the business.
But it was really sweet because I whenever I've got a lot of nieces in it for he was actually I want to know, like seven or eight of them or something. I can't count him anymore. But I never get to spend that much time with him, especially when they're little, because none of them live here. So usually you go and visit and you see him for ten minutes or whatever, and that's busy, but.
What was it like being around in newborn for prologed periods of time.
All I can think of is how much respect I have for moms? Do you know what? I thought? How the fuck does Laura do it? That's what I thought, whoa, how do you do anything? And I don't. But no, that's my point, Like when you're running businesses and you've got a newborn and you're trying to live your life and you're trying to all I could think of and he was fine, he just laid there and slept, But
my mind got very carried away. I was like, Wow, moms are amazing, Like they just do so much stuff because you guys forget, you don't forget to tell you all the time. But I'm mid to late thirties now and I have spent my whole life with no kids, and even when I have a partner, they're not here. So the amount of free time that I have to have a nap or maybe I want to go to the gym in ten minutes, or I want to have a sauna, or I want to go for a walk, I'm meeting my friends for dinner.
Like it's an absolutely like anomaly.
It's such an unbelievable novelty being able to live life like whenever you want to live life.
I'm so selfish with my time because I've never had to give it to anyone. I haven't been forced to give it to anyone else, So it's for me. I've lived thirty seven years like that, so it's it's a real shock to the system when I have to consider someone else.
On the flip side of that, I had one of those days yesterday, and I think every parent will relate to this.
I had one of those days where six thirty.
Came around and all I wanted to do was get my children into bed. I was like, my life no, just like I just was like wishing away the hours for bedtime because it was just a hard day. And I was like, I cannot wait. I love them, They're amazing. I cannot wait until they're asleep.
Until the eighteenth, and I cannot wait until they move out. I'll wait till they get married and someone takes them off my hand.
Anyway, guys, that is it from ours.
Look tomorrow's episode, as we said, it is with hospice nurse Julie. It's a really beautiful episode. I think whether you have lost someone, you have someone going through palliative care, whether you have elderly grandparents or you know, even if you just have parents, because at some point you are going to lose someone who you love.
That is a horrible reality of life.
But it is truly a beautiful episode and I think everybody will learn something for it, and it will give you a bit of comfort as well as to how to deal with things in your own life, but also how to support and help the people around you who might be going through something.
Don't forget to your mom, to dad, tell you dog, tear friends, and share the love because weilla love
Tight.