Hi guys, and welcome back to another episode of Life on Cut. I'm Brittany and I'm Keisha. Feeling in for Laura today, not for the best reason.
It is Monday here in the Life on Cut Studios and the rest of the world.
Funnily enough, but it's a public holiday today, but hilarious and classic chaos of our team. We didn't realize it was a public holiday until like last Friday. No, we didn't realize.
Yeah, we don't plan ahead, so we're like, looks like we're all working on a public holiday except Laura.
So Laura is very, very unwell.
She has had what we think is food poisoning for about twelve hours.
Could be gastro, could be gastro.
But from what she said and I saw her this morning, like she facetimed me, she sent me photos. She's either gonna get an oscar or she's roper unwell, like she's committing. She's committing. She hasn't stopped vomiting. I think only vomiting.
I don't know if it's both ends, but like for twelve hours.
Yeah, I have more details, but I don't feel the need to tell you. I'm picturing Bridesmaids. You know that scene where she's like running across the street.
She's like, I'm dumb doing it. I'm shooting in the street.
But then we just had this realization in here the team, we were like, hang on a minute, today's a popic holiday? Is Laura doing one of those classic like she partied too hard? She's not even sick, and she just wants to call in sick from work, even though she's the boss and she is work.
I think if she was an employee, I would be more like, that's a possibility. But don't you think the Gash show is like the number one excuse that people turn to when they want a day off because you don't really have to prove it, you know, like, no employee is going to be like show me the like, show me the proof that you actually have been vomiting and shooting yourself.
If you could please collect the stool sample and drop it off to work, put it in an uber delivery. I reckon Laura will be the kind of person that would like show us. She'd be like, no, look, look, look, because I think that's why she sent me photos.
But I don't know why. It's almost like she thinks she's like me. She sent me photos. I can show you she's proper dying. I'll show you.
But she's also wearing and probably not the time to make a joke.
I don't feel the need to see this just who. She shouldn't send.
Me a food photo, but she did send me a photo herself and look, oh my god, don't show the camera because she looks terrible of it.
Oh the poor scene. And I said, at least you're repping life on.
She's got our merch on. She's got her life on cart merchandise on.
Wearing that white jumper when you're in that state is pretty ballsy. I mean, I don't even wear white on a regular day because I speel so much on myself, but let alone when there's things coming out of my end.
Yeah, anyway, so Laura is, Yeah, she's not on the episode to day.
We hope she has a speedy recovery. She's back for Thursday. You had quite the glamorous weekend, mate, I was living vicariously through you. I tell you, that looks like a dream. Yeah.
So Ben and I went to Hamilton Island, which we were to last year. So like we went exactly exactly this time last year.
We fell in love.
I am not an ambassador for Hamilton Island, but I should be, Like, I cannot recommend that place enough.
Have you ever been? Yeah, I went when I was like sixteen years old. It's such a weig island that is separate from everything else. And it's kind of because you can't really drive cars there. You drive like little golf buggies. Yeah, and it just feels like it's an out of body experience the whole time you're there. It's
so beautiful. But I actually do remember I had and it probably shouldn't be admit, I mean, fuck it ten more than ten years ago, as Laura would claim, I had a peanut coulata just before I went on this thing called a sea turtle chase. But the water was so warm, and I had a stinger suit on because you know, it was like a couple months of the year you gotta have stinger suits. And I was vomiting in the water. But they loved it. The group loved
it because apparently it brings out more fish. Yeah, Keisha, it'd also brings sharks. It's chum are the sharks there? Yeah? Oh okay, there, we did see some sea turtles. It was pretty magnificent the vomiting. We had an amazing weekend.
But yes, I cannot recommend enough if you were genuinely looking for a holiday for like either it's the best family place.
It's so easy to get around.
There's only only golf buggies, everything's closed, everything is made to be easy. Like I actually said to Bed, I was like, this is the easiest place to holiday. It was two and a half hours from Sydney. I can't believe that we have a paradise so damn close and we don't go more like anyway, irrelevant. So we had like a pretty uneventful weekend. It was spectacular. I saw so many lifers there. Shout out to one of our lifers that's getting married this weekend.
So she was at her friend's wedding.
Imagine getting married this weekend and the weekend before you have to go to Hamilton, Washingtons that you have to. But she was in Hamilton Island for another life's wedding, and I'm like, you're getting married in five days and you're on a vacate, Like I would be freaking the fuck out anyway, So we were going up the top
of this hill. And it's one of those things I think when you're an Australian, like we grow up with you know, you see whales, you see dolphins and stuff all the time, but it never gets old, Like I always.
Want to stop anyway.
I feel the same way with kangaroos, but I'm even more extreme now that bends here. So every time we see a kangaroo, wallaby or something, we have to stop. I'm like, So we're going at the top of this place on the island called One Tree Hill, and it's like where all the magic happens. It's where the magic sunsets are. It's where people can get married up there. There's engagements up there, like a lot of stuff happens up it.
And then there was business. Is that you what? It's like a lot of people get you opposed to this spot right here.
Ben, I don't know that, Ben, I don't know if you know, but this is apparently.
This is apparently an engagement spot.
Who knows?
So weird a coincidence And there's so many photographers around that would capture a moment. The lighting is divine. It's not like I've thought about it. It's not like plan my here I am in my white dress every day jesting case. No, got always gish. You have to prepare. Look at them. What do the boy scouts say, always very prepared? Is that a boy scout? Yeah? The boy
scouts say always reprepared. But I actually I remember you guys talking about this, and it really changed my tune on it, because if you are hopeful of that and you're going on a holiday or actually, one of my best friends right now is in Europe. She's been with
a boyfriend for ten years. Oh my god. Everyone keeps saying that he's going to propose, that he's going to propose, And I was like, I don't want you to have this pressure because if he doesn't, you might be disappointed, But also it can take away from you being like there in the moment and just enjoying it. And I definitely like, I am joking.
Yes I get my nails done, and yes I take out fits just in case.
I'll probably do that for the next five years.
Yeah, but when I'm there, I don't think about it. I genuinely like when I'm there, when I'm on every romantic because there's no point and I don't want to know when it's going to happen like I want it to be a surprise away.
That's not the point of my story. I'm sorry, kangaroos. I did norail.
The point of my story was so funny. It does have to do with someone else's wedding. But I was so mortified. So we stop at the top of this sunset hill and there's this little kangaroo and I'm like, oh my god, band, let's stop. And there was like
these beautiful big palm trees. So we swung our buggy off to the side of the road and put the buggy in and jumped out, and Ben and I were doing like an entire photo shoot with this kangaroo, like the sunset, the kangaroo, like posing, taking different turns, like I was down trying to like get.
The shorter you angle.
I was. I was like, give me over here anyway, going ham on this photo shoot. And then oh, I hear this, excuse me, I'm sorry, but I think we've waited long enough kind of thing. And I was like what And I turned around and there was a lady and like she's like, you need to move, and I said, I'm just I'm just trying to get a photo with Skippy and she's like, you're in the middle of a wedding shoe.
And I turn around and behind.
Like there were the part I actually want to die for you, Tisha, an entire bridal party and the bride and groom.
How did you not see that? Because because so phob.
Because we fanged the golf cart around because we had to turn around to get Skippy, so he fanged it around and got out one side. The entire bridle shit was behind us, so we just didn't see it. And the huge, big palm trees sort of blocked half of them from my peripheral view.
So they've done.
I'm talking like four groomsmen, four bridesmaids, the bride and groom, all their family, and we in the back.
I'm laying on the ground skimming in the back of their.
Fucking I would love to see it if they're listening right now, I'd love to see if they got a photo with me.
And I was like, excuse me, it's my holiday tea. Can you imagine how long they spoke about you before they came over. How many conversations they were probably like, oh, I just give them five minute. It's like just even a couple more minutes, they'll fuck off like they'll take it. You know they're nearly done. Surely they've got the shop by now, they.
Probably got We're just gonna get one short Brittany Hockley, and then you take a hundred just to make sure you've got.
The good one. Especially when you're working with animals, gets it gets so much worse. I was like, oh my god, I'm so sorry. I was like, let me quickly move.
So I gather all my stuff up and Ben's like, babe, you move, and he ran back across the road because his arms will falling out of the camera and stuff. Because I was doing the shoot, even though Ben's the one that doesn't know what a kangaroo is. So I'd get into the golf buggy.
It's like a cop midty skit.
It's like everything's silent and the whole wedding party is looking at me. And I don't know if you guys have been on a golf buggy. I don't know if this is all golf buggies, but on Hamilton Island there's no power steering and.
I'd gone off road. You have to put into reverse kei shirt and the whole time it reverses. It has this high pitch. So I'm like, the whole party's looking at me, and I'm like.
Trying to like power unpower, searing it out, reverse it and then you stop and you have to then go put it, push the buttons into no, not gear, just forward, and then I have to be like bye. And then it was so you can only go twenty kilometers, so I couldn't even quickly get out of it. I had to scoop past them at twenty kilometers. I feel like a happy wedding.
I am dying for you. But I wonder I was so embarrassed.
I'm surprised you made eye contact with them, because I would to look.
There was no where some said boulevard.
I do wonder like we left and were mortified, but at the end of the day, we're like, oh, surely they had a chuckle.
It's not like we ruined their wedding. But I just wonder how many people have, like.
Have done that, Like how many of people listening right now have photos where someone has photo bombs. I don't know, is it like a proposal or a wedding or someone's ruined a photo like I would love to know because I'd love to also see the evidence and if this if the person listening got any photos, we mean skipping in the background, because I still didn't get the shot.
So so if you're professional photography mine, actually, can you slide in with it please? Because of all of the hundreds that I getting, get one that's usable. It kind of reminds me. I've seen a couple of videos on the internet of peaking on the internet. How old am I? Where they've gone? Like, you know, someone set up the camera to film the proposal and it can just be the two of them. There's this one that went super viral.
I'm sure a lot of people saw it. So there's this couple and they've got a golden a triever and they're on the beach.
And he has set the camera up to film the proposal.
Against the zoomies is like cutting in and out and it just full full zoomies. It's so funny. I would love to see if any of you guys have like a failed proposal video or something where like the camera's fallen over or something. Gosh, it brings me so much to you.
There's the only other one that I know I shouldn't laugh at, but I do, and I know you would have seen it. It's when a friend is filming supposed
to be filming the proposal, a right distract. No, well, that happens too, But there's a lady and she's supposed to be filming the proposal, but then someone else is filming her film the proposal from a distance, so someone's just doing a long shot and right as he's about to get down on one knee, she trips over and falls on her back, and it's totally funny because she
isn't hurt. It's just the timing is impeccable. You see him go down in her full back, and the whole video is just of the sky and she's tumbling around trying to get up.
She misses meeting. I feel as though if Ben was to ask me, like I am the most unreliable to do things like that, because I just know that I'm clumsy, and I'm like, I get distracted really easily. John, if Ben actually wants to propose to brit and wants full camera foot each other, you have to do it because I can't be trusted. Yeah, definitely, don't let keep Please send that cameras. Agay.
I'm like Oh my god, Gus's an island.
Lighting the four different carrying ring lights everywhere. I'd be like, could you just get a higher and I've got a double chin. Yeah, we want to go from top down toptown. So we wanted to.
Talk today about low and behold relationships. This came off the back of a bunch of questions we get from you guys. It's actually such a common question. How do I know if they're the one? How do I know if I need to leave? It's a really confusing time, a time that I have gone through myself multiple times, and I think many people do, right. And then we saw this article about should you break up with your partner?
Nine signs to end a relationship, and it's been put together so well a bunch of experts, philosophers, clinical psychotherapists, a bunch of.
Different people that know more than we know.
So we were like, maybe now is the time to have this discussion and break it down. Yeah.
I also think and I don't know whether there was this was actually a research study. I read it quite a long time ago. I don't know if it was a theory or if it was actually a study, but I think the notion of what they were talking about really holds up. And it's the idea that something has to be bad enough, like the pain of what you're experiencing has to be bad enough for you to do something about it, to change it. And I think a lot of the time, when you're talking about long term relationships,
that tipping point is actually really hard to determine. It's one of those things where it's like, if they had have done something catastrophically bad. Let's say that they completely betrayed your trust, they cheated on you, they spent all of your money without telling you, Like if there was some big betrayal, that's a really obvious thing that you're like grounds to break up. It's very clear, yeah, that this relationship shouldn't continue, But I actually think that for
a lot of us that doesn't exist. I think that it can exist in this gray zone where you're kind of sea sawing on whether the relationship is worth continuing in. And so I really thought this list was great because if you're able to kind of answer each of these questions, and I don't think all of them will be yes or no, like I think some of them you might kind of flip flop on. But it might give you a bit more of an idea as to a bit of a scale as to where you're sitting within your own relationship.
Yeah, not to apply any further external pressure, but when you think about it, who you choose to spend the rest of your life with is the biggest decision that you will make in your life. It's bigger than where you're going to move. It's bigger than what job you're gonna do if you're going to have kids, Like, the partner that you choose is going to have such an impact on you financially, emotionally, literally is going to change the path of your entire existence. And I know that
sounds like a lot of pressure, but it's true. So there is a reason that we do feel like this. There is a reason that we sit and say, are they the one?
So we're going to go through the list of the nine signs that you should consider ending your relationship, and maybe there's some of you right now who are kind of listening along with a pen and paper and going proocon. So the first one that they listed is that you're consistently unhappy. And I think the key word there is consistently, because I mean it's unrealistic to think that it's going
to be sunshina and rainbows all the time. That's just not it's not a realistic pressure to put onto your relationship. But I think if you're consistently feeling like you're drained, like you're exhausted from your partner, that there's a lot of conflict that causes awkwardness or tension within your life. That to me would be a pretty clear indicator that maybe things are not headed in the right direction.
Yeah, and it's also really important to differentiate what you're unhappy about. So you might be really unhappy with your life at the moment, but that's not necessarily all down to your partner. Maybe there are other things going on in your life, your friendship circles, or your work or where you live, finances are stressful, There might be a lot of other things that are contributing to your unhappiness.
So before you say, hey, yeah, I'm really unhappy I'm going to abort mission with my partner, you need to work out what it is and how I guess a percentage in your head of what you think is coming from your partner.
Do you think it's interesting though, when you consider that with someone that you are in love with and that is really supportive everything else in your life is shit. Let's say you've lost your job, Let's say you know someone in your family's sick, or like if there's a lot of things that would be causing you to be
unhappy for very valid reasons. I think if you are feeling as though your partner is adding to that unhappiness during those times like that, to me is a bit of a magnifying glass on your relationship, and it's like, do I feel better and more supported from my partner at this time, or are they actually making the situation worse. If you're with a person who's a good person, you would assume that even though these other things are happening around you and you know, kind of out of your control,
that they should make you feel more supported. Yeah.
Number two, the emotional connection isn't there anymore. I think this is a big one. I think this is for me. Everyone's going to be different, right how you enter a relationship and what you need from the relationship. To me, I definitely need that connection because I know physicality and the sex and the chemistry it will change and fade, But what can remain consistent is that connection, I would say for most women, and I'd say it's probably I
don't want a blanket statement. I don't know what you think, Kisha, but I think it's probably more important for women than men.
Yeah, I think stereotypically that would be the case. We're deeper connectors. I read this in doc Ali Walker's book. She's been on the podcast twice. I think she's absolutely wonderful, and it is more common for women to want that more intense connection.
It's like when you're in a heterosexual relationship, right if the man cheats, the woman says, well, do you love her? Do you have feelings for her? They want to know about the emotional connection. If the woman is unfaithful, the man is like, how many times did you sleep with him? You know, it's very physically based, and with women, the first thing is that emotional connection.
We're more worried or.
It's more impactful for us if it's emotional cheating than it is physical cheating. And I think that comes down to having that emotional connection.
Obviously, there's a lot of complexity as to the reasons is why that might be the case, but I do think that, yeah, there could be that difference. The third one that they listed is that you have different core values. It kind of relates to what you and Laura spoke about. I think it was two weeks ago on the Tuesday episode where you talked about whether you can have a difference of opinion with certain values in your life and whether that be political, whether it be religious, whether it
be moral. And I also think that something that is really hard is that when you're in a long term relationship, sometimes people's core values can change.
You know.
We often hear about the fact that when someone entered a relationship they wanted to have children. That was a decision that they made, and then, for whatever reason it might be, they may have grown into being a person who wanted to remain child free. And that is a really common story that we hear about why people break down. But I actually experienced this with my own parents. My dad became very very religious. They've been together for I
think about oh fifteen, twenty years by this point. They got together when they were in high school, which is a big change.
I've spent twenty years with someone where your values align and then.
It changes absolutely. And I think that him going down a path of quite is it quite an extreme person as well, so he went down a very religious path Ziri to or a Hundi, Yeah, and my mum went the other way. For me, I actually witnessed this in action. I kind of saw that this difference in core values and the way that they wanted to live their life was probably, in my opinion, it was the biggest factor that caused them to break up. There were obviously other
things as well, but I don't know. I think it's I think it's very difficult for people to have different religious and political beliefs or even moral values in a relationship if they're quite involved with those beliefs, is what I would say. We got a message after you guys spoke about that on the podcast from this lovely lady who she was Christian and her partner was agnostic or atheist.
I can't remember, but essentially I kind of asked a couple more follow up questions because they had children, and I was like, can I just ask, like, it's more so for my own curiosity, how do you navigate those types of situations, whether you want to bring your children to church, whether you want to get them christened? Like how does that go? And she essentially wrote back and said, I hope she doesn't mind me sharing this. I mean,
she's an anonymous associate, probably right. But she said that her partner was really sorry, her husband was really supportive of them, as long as by the time the children were able to make a decision for themselves about whether they wanted to be religious or not, that she respected their own individual choice. Yeah, and I thought that was a really happy medium. I don't know whether I would
be able to do that. I don't know whether I would be able to have a different religion to my partner because I have seen it go so wrong.
Yeah, I mean it's going to come down to every individual relationship. I think I shared on that episode. Maybe I was in a relationship with someone for a few years there was Muslim religion. To me, isn't a deterrent for relationships if you have different religious beliefs. It's only a deterrent if they're extreme, like you just said. So, I think many people can have wonderfully successful relationships with different beliefs if their beliefs are not being imposed on
the other person. So, if somebody wants to believe whatever they believe, if they want to go to church and do that. But if they're not trying to force you into a belief that you don't have, I think you can have very successful relationships. The next few I think are pretty self explanatory. So we've got the core values, which I think is very obvious. Lack of trust, feeling underappreciated or negatively.
Judged in the relationship. I think that speaks for itself.
If you don't trust your partner, I don't want to be rude, but why you're with them?
That's what I would say.
If I didn't trust my partner, I wouldn't be in the relationship one hundred percent. For me, trust is probably the most fundamental aspect or building block in a relationship, especially in my situation now long distance. Ben could be doing whatever the hell he wants and I would I would genuinely asleep and I fucking sleep. Wait, you should see us training sex taxt days because one of us wakes up when this goes to bed.
It's also so funny because like, you're in a different mood when you're going to sleep, and.
I'm like, yeah, baby, tell me more. Twelve hours later, he's still there. That's the moment that's so hot. You're like, it's not hot anymore.
I mean, if you.
Don't trust someone, you can't have a relationship like it. Ben, I could too, Like we could be both doing whatever we wanted and our partner could probably never know. So if you don't have trust, well you can't.
Have a relationship. But I do think that trust is one of those things that exists on a scale of gray, and I think it can ebb and flow, and especially in long term relationships, like I don't think it's common unless there has been a betrayal, that you trust your partner entirely up until one day and then all of a sudden you don't unless there's a reason.
You know, one thing I was so shocked about. I'm not gonna like judge anyone that does this. I wouldn't do this, but I could not believe how many people, when I polled them, said that they would do it. So maybe a month ago, I don't know, but we had an ask guncut question about one couple. One man in the relationship was trying to have an affair with a friend of the couple. Oh yeah, yeah, and then so he had hit up the other woman in their friendship circle. So the other friend had.
Said no, no way.
Then the man that had hit him up and said no, no, it was a joke. I didn't mean him, And so that wife in the relationship she ended up saying, hey, look I know that he did that.
It's fine, in on the joke. I was in on the joke. You don't need to make a big deal about it.
So so many this didn't even cross my mind, but so many lifers, so many of you guys had written to me saying it was probably the wife feeling insecure in the relationship, pretending to be the husband to hit her up to see what would happen. And I was like, no way that would happen, Like, no way you would be in a relationship that insecure and make a fake account to see if somebody would take the bait.
I was really shocked at that.
So I put the poll up on Instagram saying, how many of you think that or would do this or have done this? How many of you pretended to be another account to see if your partner or someone is cheating?
And I couldn't believe that.
It was like eighty percent of people said that they would do it or had done that in the past. Yeah, well, for me, that was really shocking because I thought, wow, like if I felt that insecure or felt that my partner was cheating on me, And I was like, if you are creating another account to try and catch your partner out, you're pretty sure though they're doing something wrong. So I would personally be going to have that conversation
with my partner. I get that people need to catch them out because at the end of the day, you say you're cheating on me, he's gonna say.
No, and you're like, oh, cool. Yeah. I also have like a deep empathy for anyone who's in that situation because I've been in relationships where I've if that was presented as an option to me, I would have taken it, but it was because I was in a bad relationship where like I didn't trust him and the truth was he was on me, Like yeah, And so I think when you're in that it can be so murky and you can be so overwhelmed with like the possibility of what they're doing that you just want the proof that
you want the definitive. Even though this information really hurts me, at least I have more information, like it does give you clarity in those situations. I do completely agree with you, and I look back on those situations now and I'm like, wow, I actually can't believe I got to that point. I can't believe I let my standards drop. But it was such a gradual thing. And that's what I mean about
the trust thing. When I went into that relationship, I trusted him because why wouldn't you, you know, like, and it was such a the frog in the pot kind of analogy, you know that we talk about if you throw a frog in boiling water, if you jump out, but if you put a frog in warm water and then turn it up so it boils, it will die.
And that's kind of how I think about those types of relationships is because you don't you don't realize that your standards are gradually dropping, and you don't realize that you've become this person who wants to catch their boyfriend cheating, because then at least you'll know, Like, but it happens. It fucking happens, And it happened to me, you know, And I thought I was like, way more confident in myself and way more assured that I would never let someone treat me like that.
But you probably are. You probably were when you entered the relationship. But it's a Grooming's the wrong word. It's like a slow burn, like they wear you down.
It's a manipulation. Yeah, it's a manipulation.
They make you feel like you would do anything to stay in that relationship and that they can do the wrong thing and you'll stay there.
Yeah, definitely. Well the next one is, like you said, feeling underappreciated in the relationship. I feel as though this would be one of the biggest reasons that women in particular leave marriages, the gradual not feeling appreciated for everything that you do to keep a home, to look after children,
to raise them, the sacrifices that you make. It's the zero point one percents that start to add up over time, and you get to this point where you just realize that you feel so underappreciated for every single sacrifice that you've made that you don't want to be in the relationship anymore. Yeah.
And I think this is a hard one for us to comment on in terms of families and children because we don't have children, But one hundred percent people can feel unappreciated in relationships without kids. But I feel like the driving factor here is families, because the workload with kids doesn't stop, and I feel like a lot of that load in most relationships falls on the woman.
I'd be really interested to ask people in sid sex relationships what the dynamic is in your relationship with this type of thing, because I think often one partner always carries more of the mental load in the relationship. It's the person who knows that it's been night. It's the person who knows that the dishwasher needs to be put on. It's the one who knows when the milk is getting low in the fridge and you've got to go and
get some more. It's like the toilet paper person. You know, there's always one person in the relationship that carries that shit in the back of their minds. I hope it wants breaking up over toil about honestly, though, I genuinely would understand it. I would understand that if you had carried the entire mental load of your relationship for years and years and years.
If you have metaphorically wiped his air the last ten years, if you've made sure that they can wipe their ass for ten years and they have never once.
Thought about the fact you're going to run out of toilet paper, Like, I get that. I actually think that would be one of the things that would make me break.
To be honest, this morning I had this thought, it's so stupid, but because Better and I only spend like two months together max at a time. But this morning I realized we're learning some of our like the living characteristics trait.
It's not a good time.
This morning I went to the bathroom and I was like, why would you if you run out of toilet paper? No, replace it, No, it's the empty one stays on there on the toilet hole.
But then a new role is on the ground.
And I'm like, so you've at least you've replaced it, or maybe I don't know, maybe I brought it in for him, I don't know, but he's replaced it enough that it's in there, but just can't take the empty role off.
And I was like, why that would send me? For Karen, Yes, for Karen number six.
You consistently fantasize about a different life or different partners. Now, I think this is a bit of like a double edged sword, and I don't think this is a defining factor for a breakup necessarily. I'm believe it or not, I'm going against the PhD in the doctor's here. I think it's really common to fantasize about a different life sometimes or the whole idea of the grass is always greener. Imagine if I didn't have kids and I was in Europe with my friends like everyone else right now, you know.
Imagine if I hadn't been having sex with the same person for the last ten years and I was out having a one night stand, like it is so normal to have those thoughts in a relationship. The question here is are you still giving yourself to your relationship or have you completely checked out? Like are you all day fantasizing about something else? And your partner doesn't come into the equation anymore at all.
Because these little.
Thoughts of like what ifs are natural human thoughts. They're completely normal for you to go through life and be like, Oh, imagine if I didn't get married ten years ago, Imagine I didn't have twenty five kids, Like that's completely standard. But if you are just like fucking chatting Tatum in your head every single night and you haven't slept with your partner in a year, there might be bigger issues.
Jillian Treki is an expert that you guys spokes on the podcast specifically about this, and I reishally liked that. I'll put it in the show notes, so if you guys want to listen. It was a really really good episode. I loved that one. I remember talking, you guys talking with her about is it normal to have sex streams about other people? She was like, of course it is, yeah,
And I remember feeling a bit of relief. So I've had sex dreams about people that I'm like, why are you not even have any things with that person before? And I don't necessarily want to. Even if you whisper on this podcast, they can still hear you. She's she's got her mouth, her hand up to a mass. He goes, I've had sex dreams with others. It's so strange to me, Like there are people that there's actually one in particular that I went to primary school with on my days.
I hope no one that I went to school with listenance to this. It is so strange to me because I've had sex dreams about him before, and I'm like, I've never slept with him. I don't think about him that way right now, Like, what is this weird subconscious thing that's going on, and I felt a huge amount of relief of her being like, no, I don't worry, it's pretty, it's relatively normal. It's I think again, this word consistently that they've put in the list is the
big thing. It's like whether you're kind of completely checked out if you're in relationship and you're just dreaming about another one. And I also think we are so guilty of putting the rose colored glasses on previous situationships or previous relationships, you know, like you remember the good bits, and I think there's point in time where you're like you're geting pissed off because your partner doesn't replace the toilet roll.
But also I've had sex dreams before where I've woken up feeling disgusting, Like I disgusted with myself, Like.
Well, you're the person that you just get to dream sex with, yes, and the things that were happening in there like in a dream.
But the whole point is it's your subconscious It's the way you dream about being murdered or dying or like whatever.
You can't control your dreams. It doesn't mean you want it. Your dreams are not.
Indicative necessarily what you want to say that they are, though there are some people who like do full dream analysis, and I just I don't know.
Not for me, to be honest, I don't even want to know. I don't want to know what it means, if it means anything. Let's go to number seven. Your partner is uninterested in addressing issues that arise in your relationship, big one. I also think that that kind of comes down to like the one sided nature of communication in a relationship. Like I think that's actually quite related to some of the other one and pretty obvious. I don't
think we really need to unpark that one. Yeah, Number eight is something that I really hope we are all aware of. They listed that you notice repetitive, unhealthy patterns or signs of abuse, and that's a black and white.
One, as we've spoken about many times on many different episodes here. Yes it is black and white that it is a reason to break up, but we also know leaving and breaking up isn't black and white.
So that's really important that.
We reiterate that it should not be in any relationship, and you shouldn't be in a relationship that has abuse of any kinds emotional, financial, physical, But we understand it's not as easy as saying thank you next.
Yeah, it's also accumulative. Again, like we've said a couple of times, I think it's really hard to pinpoint the moment that you go, okay, we'll accept this, won't accept that, because it's so gradual.
Number nine, the last reason that you should relieve a relationship, according to the specialist, is that your friends, family, and loved ones are concerned.
Concern is an interesting.
Term, and I say this because I've been in a relationship for I was in a relationship.
With two and my family didn't like.
Him at all, hated him for me, but I didn't know okay, because they didn't tell me until we broke up. And they made that choice because they didn't think that I was unsafe. It wasn't like physical abuse or any abuse. They just didn't like who he was and they didn't like us together or the way my life probably would have panned out if I stayed with him. But at the time I seemed happy, So they made the choice of saying, let's not sit on a relationship right now,
let's just see what pans out. And as soon as we broke up. My dad was like thank fuck, and.
I was shocked.
I was like, oh you never that was like I never liked him. The problem is, and we've spoken about this on other episodes, but you risk if you are friends and family and you go to your friend or relative and say, you know, we don't like this person for you for this, this or this reason, you risk isolating and alienating that person. And Laura spoken about that
a lot. She she was I guess the victim of that that she left her friendship, circles and her families because she was so defended of the boyfriend that she was with who was a total dirtbag, and her friends and family were right. But it's a tricky place, Like it's a really tricky place to be to be able to listen to your friends and family's concerns and not isolate anyone.
I think it's also tricky because if you are the person who is the family or the friend and you voice it and they stay together, yeah, Christmas, Well, it's just like it's just awkward. You know, like you know that you're going to be spending time with this person, you know that the person that you love is aware of what you think of their relationship. They're going to
feel judged. They're probably going to feel defensive of their own choices, because we all want to feel as though we're like intelligent enough to have autonomy over the decisions we make about the person that we want to be with. But the problem is that you can so easily be blinded when you've got feelings and when you've got emotions involved, and it's so much easier for the people around you to see things more clearly.
I believe there is a way to do it, and I think one way, as an example, is not necessarily to go to them and say he or she's fucked, like you need to leave if that's discussed, Like, you
can't just go ham and shit on the person. But I think what you do is when they're maybe talking to you about something that's happened or an argument, or the way they've spoken to you or something they've done, there are ways to say, I don't think that's that normal, like that shouldn't really be happening at this point of a relationship. There's ways to say instead of pinpointing on him or her, to say what is or isn't.
Healthy in a relationship. And I literally did it last week to a friend.
A friend was telling me about this huge fight that they had and the way that he had been speaking to her, the way he had treated her. I took it back to my relationship, which I might not have. I said, oh, you know, I would be really upset if Ben spoken like that. I set the ground was straight away and I said, no, you were not swear me in a relationship, You'll not do this like I've set those boundaries. I said, it's not really healthy to have that, So maybe you need to revisit your boundaries
with your partner. And so I tried to put it that way, like express a bit more how you feel that you don't want to be spoken to in that way. There are definitely ways to do it like that that are not going to push your friend away from you, because once your friend has been pushed away really hard to bring them back.
It's almost like they need to come to the realization themselves. There are three questions that I wrote down for you to ask yourself if you're possibly in this position after reading these articles, and I'm interested to get your thoughts on the brit The first one was, I think you should ask yourself am I staying in this relationship out of fear of being alone.
Yeah, that's a big one that I have definitely done before. I have definitely stayen relationships far too long. And I think as women, we have a big fear of being on our own. And I don't know where that inherently comes from. I think it comes from biological pressure. Well, yeah, patriarchy, but also biological pressures. You know, if you are a woman of a certain age and you want.
To reproduce, Like there are also a lot of notions, like you said about the patriarchy of used goods, you know, like you don't want to be the single woman at a certain age that is trying to pick up young men, and like there's just so much shame involved in those types of communication. I guess yes, it goes further than that too.
It goes to the point, and it's something that I've noticed since I've been in a relationship because I was on my own for so long, there was a huge relief that I don't have to go through everything.
On my own. So it wasn't being alone.
I'm happy to be alone, but the idea that if I lost my job, now there's someone to financially help me that I'm going to have a roof over my head. I don't have to make every decision.
On my own.
And I remember maybe two years ago, three years ago, i don't know, on the podcast talking about the surprising feelings that I felt when I finally did get into a relationship, and it was the relief of not having to make every.
Life decision on my own and I had someone to go through it with.
It wasn't that I had someone physically there, because I was happy to be on my own, but it's a really nice thought to say, hey, if something doesn't work out, I've got someone that's going to help me out. And I think a lot of people staying in relationships for that reason. So, Keisha, how do you personally distinguish between just going through a rough patch in your relationship or being like fundamentally incompatible?
Big, big question. It is a huge question, and it's also something that I'm not completely going to go into the depths of this, but this is something that I really had to debate a couple of months ago in my own relationship. You know, it was me working out whether this was just a bit of a rough patch or a rough couple of months for us or whether it was a sign that maybe we were headed in
different directions. And I really really struggled with it. The one thing that I think helped me was I listened to this podcast and life on Cut. Yeah, just listened to our own put. I mean I listened to it three times before the episodes are published as it is, but more listening. They spoke about how often when we're in these situations, we really play the blame game. We really go like, oh, they're doing this, they're doing that, and I'm unhappy about this, and I'm unhappy about that.
The advice that they gave was really about putting the mirror on yourself and trying to list the things that you're able to improve on in the relationship. During that time, I really realized that I was playing tit for tat. I was like keeping score and not really being a teammate. I was getting resentful of certain things, and I was feeling as though more of the load was on me, and I was getting really frustrated by it, and I
was feeling underappreciated. But I actually really purposefully sat down and I was like, Okay, maybe I need to just see what I can do better in the relationship and just see if it makes the relationship improve, and try and be less resentful of these things that are pissing me off. And the second I did that, the change
in my relationship was astronomical. I was actually like, holy shit, Yeah, I didn't realize how much my resent was becoming a poison in our relationship, and it was just getting worse and I was getting more resentful and more angry. Again, this is going to be so individual. It's going to be so based off of your own circumstances and also off of the length of the time that your rough patch is.
For me.
Now, I guess if this is ever to come up again, which it will, you know, inevitably everyone goes through this, and you probably go through it a lot. I'm going to first go, Okay, I'm getting really frustrated by these things, But how can I be more of a teammate. And if I start to change my behavior and things don't get better, I think for me that would be the sense of whether it's incompatibility.
It comes down to the frequency of how many times you have to have these moments and is the other person coming to the table too, Because It can't just be every time there's a rough patch that you come to the table. It can't just be like, Okay, I'm going to check myself meet halfway make the relationship better, because that's always going to make the relationship better.
But it can very much be a.
Band aid unless both people accept and understand how the other person is feeling. And I think that is imperative. So it's like, how often this is happening and are both people coming to the table.
I think that's a good point, Britt. For you, what are some clear signs for you that indicate that it might be time to end a relationship? Oh, I mean we just live a night of them that professionals thought, But what for you personally? Do you know?
For me, I mean, the number one thing is that I have had in the past is the ick. I haven't ever been able to come back from an ick, so once I have had that, And there's obviously a lot of things that lead up to that. But I think in a relationship almost everything almost can be worked through, like general issues that are relationship has and I'm talking sense the serious things.
Like the abuse.
I even say that to the point of cheating, and like when I started this podcast five years ago, I would have been out the front door. I would have said, if you cheat on me, I'm done. But I have such a bigger understanding of why and what that looks like now that I think even that can be worked through under the right circumstances. And I want to blanket that because every time I say that, all Laura says that people come for us. It's okay to have a
difference of opinion. It's okay for you to be in a relationship right now, and cheating is a deal breaker. But I think you very much have to understand the situation that comes from Esther Perel, the relationship specialist that we've spoken to. The episode that we did with her many moons ago really changed my outlook on cheating. For me, if it's any one of those points that we've discussed that is reoccurring and you can't shake, then it's probably
time to leave the relationship. If you are constantly thinking about a particular person, so I know we said earlier, if your brain is thinking of different lives and it's wandering and different sex, what sex would be like with that person, that's all normal. But if you know deep down you have feelings for someone might be the person at the gym, or someone that you work with all
the time, someone that you are thinking about consistently. I think it's probably time to leave the relationship if you look ten years down the track and you can't see yourselves living in the same place or doing the same things day to day. If it's kids, or if it's one of you wants to go to church and raise your kids in a religion, those big differences. It is so much easier to end a relationship now than in
ten years time. But I truly believe everyone is going to go to this feeling of am I with the right person? And I also truly believe that deep down you already know the answer. Sometimes it's really hard to face though. Relationships take work, like the right relationship isn't going to be a walk in the park for the rest of your life, and this day and age, we have a real tendency to want to tap out really quickly. I think it's a generational thing. Our parents and grandparents wouldn't have done.
That, and they didn't do that. They rode through the hard times. But now we have.
Access to an exit and so many options and I'm talking like online dating.
I think that's multifaceted.
Though.
I actually think that with the rise of women's rights and our ability to make money and support ourselves, I think it is a good thing overall that women now feel more comfortable leaving relationships.
Absolutely, one hundred percent. We're in a more comfortable position to leave when we want to.
But I guess what I'm saying is sometimes you take the kind of quick the queen.
Is the exit. Yeah, I asked my dad this. My mum and dad had been married for forty five years. They have a really good relationship, and they have a really good relationship. I've never heard my dad raise his voice to my mom. He would never swear at my mom. They still write each other love notes, they hold hands when they walk. And I asked my dad that, really, honestly a couple of years ago, and he said, there
was a time that we nearly broke up. You know, He's like, we were not happy, but we had four little kids. That's why we weren't happy. We were struggling to make ends meet, we weren't sleeping, we were stressed. It would have been very easy to leave and call it a day and he's like, but I'm so glad we worked through that because the best parts of our relationship came after the unhappiness and that was a real point where he's like, you need to work at relationships.
That's what I want people to know.
The first sign of trouble in a relationship doesn't have to be an exit, but deep down, you know if the person you're with is going to be your forever, Like you know that gut feeling, that intrinsic gut feeling that we get that as women, we so often choose to ignore and then later on we're like, oh, should have probably listened to that. That's the thing I think we need to start listening to.
Do you know what's so interesting? I don't know if I agree with that very last point of yours intrinsic gut feeling, just that knowledge of the one. I don't think there is a one why, Like I definitely don't either. I think that there are so many people that you could be with for your long term relationship. I think because I get confused between lust, desire, compatibility, reliability, stability,
and it even spreads into this idea of happiness. And this is something that I thought about quite a long time ago and thought about how happiness for me is not a reliable indicator of anything. And I think that this exists especially for people who live with mental illness. So if you have depression, anxiety, if you are in your own diverse, yeah, I know that a lot of people are going to be like, what the fuck are
you talking about? And then there's going to be some people who are like, oh, I so understand what you're talking about right now. For me, I've been through periods of my life where externally, everything can be great. My job can be good, like my living arrangements, whether I'm
in a relationship or not, everything can be great. And I have been in some of the worst depression waves I've ever experienced, and I think I've started to realize that because whether it's neurochemistry, whether it's dopamine, I don't know what the fuck it is in my brain. But even when I work on the circumstances for things that should alleviate me of feeling depressed, sometimes I don't have
a choice in it. Sometimes I feel so depressed for no logical reason, unfortunately for me, and I think a lot of people will feel the same feelings of happiness or feelings of joy are not necessarily reliable to make any decisions in your life based off of, because it can be fleeting, and it can be unpredictable, and it can be not reflective of what's actually going on around you.
And it's so frustrating as well when you're the type of person who feels like that, And I think it impacts your relationships so much, and I hate that it does because you don't really have control over it either, and so you can be feeling as though you're not giving your role and that you're not being a good partner. And maybe it's one of the reasons that you feel like you should up because you're like, well, I'm not
feeling happy in this relationship. And it's so frustrating when you're like, well, am I not feeling happy because of the relationship? Or am I just fucked? Like is my brain just not able to make me feel happiness in a way that other people experience? Yeah, And firstly, the
answer is no, You're not fucked. No abatable, Like, I know that this is a really dark and a deeper version of this type of conversation, but I think one of the main questions that people get asked when they're talking with their friends about whether they should break up or not is are you happy?
And that is something that I think we all need to remember. If you're listening right now, you are not alone. If you have those feelings, you're not fucked in the brain. As Kisha said, you might be, yeah, but it's not your fault and it's just something that you need to work through with your partner and externally with a relationship therapist, with a personal therapist before you go in and make any rash decisions in your relationship.
Let's get into accidentally unfiltered most embarrassing stories.
Brittany had one of her own with the Kegari with photo bombing someone else's wedding shoe.
Yeah, okay.
We live on land and over the years have had many different people keep their horses at our house. So one afternoon, my mum got a text from her number she didn't have saved in her phone informing her that someone had passed away. And the text had all the funeral details and was signed off with the family's names, which were all very generic. So my mum was reading it and couldn't figure out if they had sent the text to the wrong person or if she knew the
family or who it was. She came into my room and read the text out to me to see if I could figure it out, but I also couldn't. Fifteen minutes later, she comes back into my room panicking, saying deleted, deleted, deleted.
Oh no, no, no, no, no no, no, help me, help me, please get rid of it. And I'm like, what is going on? So I look at her phone and she had meant to send me a text message on but instead she replied to the person who had sent the original funeral details, the person who is giving yeah, the death notice. Yeah, this is what she said. I've worked it out. It's Sally's mom, it's Sprinkle's owner.
It's sad because she was pretty nice.
Her husband was a tad weird though.
Oh no, she just said it was the horse's mom mom, it was Sprinkle's mom. It was Sprinkle's mom that died, and the husband's weird, and the husband's weird. And she has sent that back to the daughter who sent it funeral details. So she's basically said her mam has passed away. And she basically said.
Oh my god, I'm dying Oh my god, that's the wrong term.
Her mama's died and she's got a text from someone being like, I've worked out who it is.
It's the horse's pair. Also, your dad's a bit strange. Dad's safe to say.
She was mortified and obviously didn't attend the funeral. To make things worse. Only a few weeks later, Apple announced they were bringing out the new feature where.
You could send her miss Yeah.
That is funny, but not funny like that, the circumstance is not funny.
That is so funny. We got another one that I had have been absolute stitches. I went to Laser Clinics for my usual Brazilian treatment zap the lady. As I added that, the lady asked me if I would like the full treatment, you know, the front and the back feels. I think they call it the Hollywood. Yeah, remember I talked about it the Holywood. So I flip around and she does a couple of zaps and then pulls the
laser machine out. To my astonishment, the plastic part on the top of the gun was left in my butt cheeks because I hang off, hang on, it does feel like Satan is stabbing you in the asshole. I disagree.
I have had three Hollywoods. And also how far up they put in it that you've clenched it and pulled it off with your butt cheeks.
They do really room it up there, do they not?
For you?
You pull your cheeks apart?
Yes, okay, but they told me to they like spread it, probably because too many people's machines were getting stuck up the butt.
That's fucking hilarious. I've had different strokes to different folks, meaning like I've had laser done so many times that I kind of go like, how do you want me? I just realized that I should never make eye contact when I asked them that do you want me? Do you want any spreading? Some want you on your tummy, someone you on your side, Some want you to lift a leg.
Someone I've always had, dummy, have you I've always had please roll over and spread your cheeks.
No, I've done side, and I feel like maybe this girl's side because it's side. Too much gravity on the top cheek. That's how it got No, she said. She said she clenched it picture on a tummy and being like, I've definitely clenched because it does hurt. It does feel like maybe my butt is immune. It doesn't couple, no, because I don't even like it in the butt.
So suck and sweet highlight and the low light of the week. My suck this week is that Delilah, my dog, the little b I t h has completely forgotten I existed, like I have raised her from a puppy for three years.
It's not her birthday yet we missed.
The thoughts in July. We did miss the last two July. She just like forgets when there's a man in her house. She forgets how exist. I've never seen a dog like it any men, whether she knows them or not. She's the biggest flirt. She just has this like obsession with Ben. And I will come home from like a big day, or we'll wake up in the morning and say hello to it, and I'll be like la lah and she just will not even make Iconda run straight past me.
You won't even she won't even come for a pat and.
Just sit on Ben's face, which I also like to do, so I understand it.
But Ben will be like cut cut She's only human, No, she's a dog.
But I understand it. So that's my suck this week is that like when there's a man I don't exist. My sweet is Hamilton Island. Obviously, I had an amazing weekend with Ben, very loved up in the sunshine. It was beautiful, lots of hanky panky and just a whole, really wholesome.
Couple of days. That sounds wonderful. My suck for the week isn't this will sound odd? Is my boyfriend's birthday next week? And for my birthday last year, it was my thirtieth, so it was a special birthday and he went above, above, above, and beyond on the gifts. I received more gifts from my birthday from him than what I have collectively received from my entire family for the past ten years.
Do you think that that is because it was just your first birthday together, so he was and you were still pretty new, so he's just trying to like lock you in, and now he's got you dreckking get in a tea towel.
I don't know. It could be any of the above, but now his birthdays rolled around, it's this week and I have spent a disgusting amount of money. What did you get in? I feel like I can say it because he doesn't listen to the podcast he's requested, and I'm not even joking. It's so strange a jap and he's cooking knife.
Oh that's I get that. If you're no, I get that. I bought Ben cooking stuff for his birthday. If you're a man and you like to cook, they froth that.
How is a piece of metal? I don't care how sharp it is? How is a piece of metal that expensive? Kisha?
He probably says the same thing when you ask for jewelry.
How is it my brain is blue? It's so true. At least it's gold. At least it's like a valuable metal. This is like steel. This is an alloy of shit, metals that are found everywhere that are just shaped into something that cuts things easily. Frankly, the sharp of the knife, the more cautious I am to use it, because I just don't trust myself. I'm really clumsy. Anyway, I've spent a disgusting amount of money on a Japanese night, Like, I'm like, here's your kif I love it, And hopefully
he doesn't listen to this and I spoils it. No, he doesn't ever listen to the podcast, So I think we're safe, But My sweet for the week is actually related to Delilah as well, because she might have forgotten you, but she has not forgotten me. I spent five days with her in the Wound my dog were in Hamilton Island, and it was the most joyous experience with her that I've ever had. I feel like she's getting to that age where she's lost some of her annoying puppy traits.
She used to be naughty. She can still be a little naughty, but she gets tired quick. She's like naughty and Okay, I will come back. I will come back to you at the park. I just had such a good I didn't actually realize how much I needed this. I needed for my days to consist of get up, go for a walk, come home, do some work, go for another walk, come home, have dinner, and go to bed. And I did that for five days straight and it has absolutely reset me to a position where I'm just
feeling so good and my bloody lover. I had the best time with her. It actually was such a joy having her, and I'm so sorry she followed me around like a fucking shadow.
She follows me like a shadow, but she just doesn't She just that's only because she's like, don't leave the house without me, like I'm gonna be on you. But funnily enough, one of our mutual friends you went for a walk with her, Kim Kim single, and Kim messaged me and she's like, holy shit, I have never been stopped so many times than when I'm with Delilah and crazy. I said, yeah, I know that's the standard. And I said, why don't you start to take her as a pickup.
She's like, I think I'm gonna have to. She's like, it is she's never experienced an opener like Delilah. And I was like, no one gets you talking like Delilah.
My old male housemates when they were single, yes, used to take to take her deliberately because they would like get three girls phone numbers because they're like, oh, yeah, you can come for a walk with us, and then right at the end they'd be like, by the way.
She's not my Remember that time I started banging that really hot guy years ago, which one big yeah. Remember the time I started banging that really hot guy because he had the puppy. The only reason I met him was he was the hot guy that used to walk around Bondeu with a Golden Retriever puppy and I stopped like moths still a flame. I couldn't have been the only one. He would have had a Monday to Friday or rotation. But we stopped to talk about the dog
and then we end up banging. It's like Kim unique to date.
It happened. Yes, I actually I think we should loan Delilah out. We could start a service. I'm not loaning. Know, you have to pay, Yeah, you have to pay for us. It's a business, Gisha, I'm going to pay for that expensive food in that data. Anyway, guys, that is it from us. Hey would really love it if you joined us on YouTube. We do a lot of work on the videos now, and we're getting them up so quickly. Most of the time we have them up within twenty four hours of the episode dropping.
And I know that other people are like some podcasts drop their youtubes at the same time, and I'm like, yeah, they're recorded three weeks in advance, and we're not.
Joe Rogan. We record like sixteen hours in advance to when we drop the episodes. So there's just a little bit of extra work that goes on into the videos, but I'm really loving it and I would love it if you could just hit subscribe to crib follow me fab. We're trying to grow it, you know. I'm really, really bloody enjoying it myself. So it's a you tube.
Yeah, don't forget to mum too, Dad, tad of Tony friends and share the love because we love love