Hey guys, and welcome back to another episode of Life Uncut. I'm Brittany and I'm Laura, and I feel really excited to be here today because I feel a bit rejuvenated. I had a weekend away and I feel like I've come back and I haven't seen you in like a week. Well, I feel rejuvenated too.
Do you know what I've hit the point in my pregnancy now where yesterday I sneezed and I pissed myself.
And I'm not talking like a little week I'm talking like in public sneeze and my bladder let go. So just to clarify, how do you feel rejuvenated because of that? Is that just makes you feel fresh, like you shower yourself, No being psychastic.
I've just reached that point in my life now where I don't have control over my bodily functions like I thought I would get there when I was a geriatric, but apparently not.
Thirty four is the year where.
Now I don't have any control over my pelvic floor muscles.
Okay, And so when you we yourself in public, is it just like the tiniest little bit or you mean like it's you're proper.
Satched well normally. Look, I mean I've been at the at the sneeze and weir a little bit stage for a while. But yeah, like like, oh that's uncomfortable, but that just happened. No, this was like I sneezed and I wet myself.
Like it wasn't.
It wasn't like those cute commercials where you see where it's like, oh, I sometimes say sneeze and a little leakage comes out.
Like I fully peed myself. This kid is sitting on my bladder and jumping up and down. I was like, here it comes in accidentally unfiltered stories on the podcast. I actually love that. Not love that for you, but I love that for me.
I also have these like bruises I don't know, like to all the other pregnant women out there, I had these bruises all down the sides of my legs across my stomach because I don't have spatial awareness about how big I am and this has just happened in a very short period of time. So I run into walls. I run into the baby gate at home, I run into the baby gate at work. Like I just keep running into things that normally I would fit through, and I no longer fit through them like doors.
I feel like that's because you, to me, as an outlooker looking in, I feel like you were like not pregnant, not pregnant, not pregnant, not pregnant, not pregnant, pregnant, like out of nowhere. Your belly just came out of nowhere. I thought you didn't look pregnant until literally maybe three weeks ago. So I reckon, that's what's happened. You just you're not used to it, and it wasn't there. It just popped out.
That's exactly what's happened, knocking things left, right and center. Anyway, it's happening. It's actually happening sooner than what I keep remembering. I keep forgetting. I mean, you do have a date, Yeah, I do, and I keep forgetting what that date is, and it is quickly approaching, which is very frightening in my pants.
Do you know what I love about this? Actually, I'm just going to tell the people our private conversations and our private concerns. I'm like, Laura, I've got some concerns. I'm a bit stressed about what's happening. What's gonna happen when you have the baby? How long you're gonna need a lot of time off. I was like, because you're gonna have a two year old a newborn. You run, Tony May, We've got the podcast. What we let's put some plans into place. Baby, It's fine, it's not even
it's not even gonna be hard. She's like, I'm gonna be fine. I'll take like two weeks off. And I'm like, oh no, it's gonna be it's gonna be pretty hard. I think it's like nuts. It's having two is just like having one. And I'm in my head, I'm like, oh my god, this is I know, I can see this imploding. But I love your optimism.
I'm somebody who thrives in chaos. So like, the more priotic my life is, the more I actually get shit done, and like that makes people who are like a personality types and very organized, very stressed. But when things are just out of control in my life, I'm like, oh, this is my element here.
I am Laura and I do get We do our best work at like two am the day that something is due, when we're stressed to the nines. But this is me trying to really be like a good businessman. Business farder and like preempt the chaos is going to happen. But I think I can't. I think we're just gonna have to roll with it. Sit what happened, but.
Also think of all the funny stories that are going to come as a result of this. But anyway, enough about me and not being able to fit three walls and peeing myself. Guys, here we are another episode. I'm sure that's not how you expected this one to start.
I went away for the weekend to put mcquarie back home to the Fanbam. It was my sister Sherry's thirtieth, which was the longest bloody thirtieth. I feel like I've celebrated over two weeks. My Nana came from Sydney and we had this little house party. But my Nana and my mom and dad and they got lit. My Nana was lit like she she's like, I haven't partied in twenty years. She was down in the line. She was the life of the party. They loved it. But we had such a good time and.
Was just imagining Nana Hockley doing fireballs and taking her top off.
She was she was like there were photos of us where she's like you know when you're at I don't know why we even did this. We were all pretty drunk. You know when you do those FoST where you lift someone up sideways. My eighty five year old Nana, I was like sideways while these drunk people were thrown around. I'm like, just roll with it, roll with it. But it was just nice to get away. Also, the beaches
in Port Macquarie incredible. No one's on them. It was just like you could have kilometers of empty beaches which you just will never get here. So I feel like it was a bit of a revive and maybe that's why I'm coming this morning with so much energy. So guys, you know, we've been working for a little while now with our friends over a Bumble. And you know that I have personally been working with Bumble because I have been on Bumble for seven years. But she's also been
on a bus stop as the Bumble Ambassador. I'm not shy about it anyway. But because we've been working them, we have a really great funny segment coming up today where we're going to be talking about your best, funniest, most awkward, weird, and wonderful online bumble dating stories because we know there are a lot of them. Then we're going to be jumping into the episode today, guys, which we should probably tell you what it's about. It is about jealousy, and a very specific type of jealousy called
retroactive or retrospective jealousy. Now that's something I hadn't heard before. I don't think you'd heard about it much, Laura. So we were like, let's jump into that.
Well, it's definitely something that we hadn't heard the label for. However, someone was talking about it in the Facebook group and it's so retroactive jealousy is like when you are jealous of your partner's ex for example. Well, we'll get into that fully in a little while. But we both saw it and it came up in the Facebook group and we were like, this is such an interesting topic because jealousy is something that we all deal with at different
points in our relationships. It's an emotion that's a bit icky, but we cannot get away from it. And we thought, being a relationship podcast, how have we gotten to this point and never spoken about jealousy. But before we get into that, I know you haven't accidentally unfilled the story for me.
I do and it comes from one of our own. It was in our Facebook group, and I just had the biggest chuckle. It's Laura. I don't know if you've seen it, but basically this is what she says. She's grolling Facebook and she sees the Facebook Life Uncut group post. Then she sees another post under it, and she just assumes it was the Facebook Life on Cut group. The question was if you had to name your child after the last thing you touched, what would you call it?
So she writes in penis ha And then like an hour later, when some other people in her community group write to her being like you can't post that, she realizes that she didn't write that in a Life on Cut group. It was just like a community suburb group and it was just like general questions between the moms like what would you call your kid if it was
the last thing you touched? And she was like, Dirk, but she thought she was writing it to our group, and she was like, I'm fucking mortified, but I just thought that was a cutettle thing.
Ever, are you guys go rogue in the life on cart group.
We love it, We're here for it. If you want to call your kid penis look nah maybe actually no, let's be yeah, probably not okay, but also kind of funny. I imagine it like it's like the Bondi local group, you know, like the bi swap sell and stuff. I think she just put in a local suburb group.
I think it's hilarious, although it really does open that up to interpretation. Name your kid, the last thing you touched. What would yours be? Porridge table, microphone?
Mine would be spirrillina ha hah. That has made a green smoothie Go health anyway, guys, So, like.
Britt said, we do have this very special segment today where we put a call out on our instagrams for your funniest Bumble online dating stories and wholely shit nickers. We have received some of the most hilarious stories, and like obviously we know that there are so many online dating success stories that come out of Bumble and come out of all of the different online platforms. However, they're not necessarily the funniest ones. A lot of the funny
stories we've come out of this dating fails. Even with dating fails, there's often been times where they've turned into long term relationships. However, I do have a question for you britt And it's all about like what is the etiquette? So we had so many funny stories coming in, and one of the stories that came in really made me
think about this. If you have match with someone on online dating, you've exchanged a few words with them, but you've not organized a date, it hasn't really gone any further. But then just say you're at the beach, or you're at a bar, or you're somewhere and you see them in real life. What is the etiquette there? Can you go up and talk to them? Can you go up and be like would you go up and say like, hey, we matched on bumble, like, let's date.
Okay, I've spoken to them, but I've never met them in real life. I would probably not because I'd be like, there's no way they recognize who I am in real life. That's what I would think. I would be like, there's not another fucking who I am, Like my my online dating profile is pretty mint, Like I've got a bet. This is why I.
Always say to you, like, you cannot putka and they think that this is a rule for online dating. You cannot put your absolute best photos where you look so much hotter than you normally look in day to day life for the fear of running into a match and then being like that girl looks vaguely like someone I matched on Bumble except less hot.
I did that for so long, obviously, like you as like a CEV, so you put your best foot forward, until I realized this and I did change. I've got like a few really good photos, and then I've got a few like really normal photos, literally normal day to day I mean they're not my they're not my worst photos. I've tried to keep it semi normal and semi like, this is what I'm liking the date, but this is my potential at night, I can go from a seven to a ten reel clip now. So no, I think
you're totally entitled to if you go. If you have seen someone and you're like, I think we've met on Bumble before, someone has said that to me. Actually, we're at the Royal in Bondai, which is our local. He came up to me and he's like, he's like, hey, we mushed on Bumble, but you didn't reply, and I was like, ah, did we There's the reason why we didn't apply. But no, I think definitely, I think you can one hundred percent cop and strike up the conversation
because what is the difference? I agree, I.
Guess the difference is like not having that anonymity, and like the fear of being rejected in real life is much greater than the fear of being rejected online. You've matched? Yeah, totally, Well, Okay. The reason why I thought I would ask this was because one of the funny story that came in and this is like, this is a success story, So this one isn't that funny. The rest of them are much much funnier. Usually the funny stories come when she's gone
completely wrong. One of our listeners had been at the Opera bar and she was waiting to meet this guy who she'd matched. She was waiting for him, and this other guy came up to her and was like, Hey, we've matched on Bumble before, Like how you're going, And she was kind of like, this is really awkward because I'm here meeting someone else, but was trying to wrap the conversation up pretty quickly that at the same time was like, Oh, I'm really vibing this guy, Like he
is hot, he is great. They had obvious real chemistry. Anyway, she went on her date. The date was a bit of a flog, and then at the end of the day the guy from the original matchually the guy who came up at the start, came up and was like, I'd love to be able to take you out sometime.
And they're still together. Yes, there you go, it actually happens. Well, there's your answer everyone. If you see someone in the wild that you have matched online, approach them with caution, but approach them. Oh.
I don't know if I had the guys, but anyway, let's get in some of these actual funny stories.
I'm going to kick start. So I was meant to be meeting this beautiful, beautiful, tall, six foot three blonde man with freckles. He seemed super fit and had really good chat. I got to the place that we were supposed to meet, which was Manly wharf bar. I stood in the line with the COVID sign keep your distance weight here. Suddenly this random guy in the line with fiery red hair strikes up a conversation with me. I look at him, well, I looked down at him because
he's shorter than me. I'm five ten and I was wearing my heels because why not. My hot date was six foot three. I say hi, and I try to be polite. I mean, I was looking pretty damn good, so I don't blame him. This guy starts asking me questions and I feel really awkward, and I look down at my phone trying to get away, and I see that there is a message from my hot date saying I'm in the line. I look around and I type
I can't see you. Suddenly, this little guy with a fiery red hair checks his phone and it's the message that I had just sent. I wanted to die. He looked up at me and said, oh, your message just came through. The reception must be bad in here. I sat with my date the whole time, feeling like an awkward, big,
friendly giant. He catfished her. That's so wrong, but also how funny that she's message in him saying I can't see you, and he's there and he's like, I'm just here receptions bat but also like he must.
He's obviously had completely faith profile photos up.
Do these people think is going to happen? You would be surprised.
This was not the first one I received another one where the girl had gone to the bar and she was meeting this really hot African American guy, you know, six foot five, and then rocked up and it was a tiny, little redhead guy, and he was like, Hey, I'm sorry I catfish you, but I know you wouldn't have swiped right on me. But I'm hoping my personality might shine.
Through what is wrong with people? No, okay, if this is my thing too, if you're gonna catfish, I'm not condoning it, but I'm just trying to get on this wavelength. I'll break it down, Brittany, if you are going to catfish, wouldn't you try to catfish with someone that was just like a remotely better version of you? Like, keep it on the same wavelength. If you're a short redhead, why would you put a six foot five black guy. If you're a short white man with red hair, why put
a six foot five black man as your catfish? Like, you couldn't be more polar opposite at.
Least, maybe keep it within the same ethnicity and also within the same hair coloring one hundred percent.
Maybe just change the height a little bit.
When I got that story through from this listener, I was like, why didn't you just get up and leave? Like I'm sorry, but no, good relationship has come from a basis of lying, Like, I don't think that that's a really great foundation to start from.
Can I just ask you something on that if you went there to a date, because this hasn't actually happened to me, but if you went there and it was a blatant catfish and he's like, but please, I'm really nice, would you leave one hundred percent? Yeah, I would do.
I think it's it's too uncomfortable. It's also like very suspicious, and like I would question how much of the rest of the conversation we've had was untrue. So I don't care, Like, I'm not basing this on what you look like. I'm not saying that this is because I find you unattractive. But if you have lied to me about that so casually, then I would think that you are very casual about lying about other aspects of your life. So I would be sitting there going I don't know what's real and
not real anymore. This is not the foundation of what I want from a relationship. See you later. How Like, I'm not that invested in someone I.
Don't know, all right, give me another one.
Okay, So I met this guy on bumble and we had such good chemistry, heaps of banter. We went on a date and he picked me up and we went for far Is it far off?
Fau? Oh, it's actually fuh fu.
Okay, this is very controversial guys, if you say faux or if you say far.
Now, I'm pretty sure it's far, but ninety percent people say faux.
And I still say fau. But I'm only saying far because I don't want people to correct me.
I just say, can I get them? Before?
So they went to have some really spicy Asian soup. Now I'm one of those people who love spicy food. I mean the spicier the better. So here I am dishing a ton of chili onto my soup. The guy that I'm there with pretends that he also likes the heat too, so he's having at least double the amount that I'm having. I think he's trying to impress me by how much he likes chili. Beads of sweat all over his face, and after dinner he suggests that we go for a walk just around the river.
It's a lovely view.
All of a sudden, he is desperate for the toilet and he disappears.
In chili shits, He disappears into a restaurant for a whole hour.
When he gets back, he told me he actually shit his pants and.
Wanted to and couldn't proceed on the walk.
Obviously, I suggested that we go home. He was driving, so I had to sit in the car. His window was broken. It didn't go down on the passenger side.
I can still remember the smell to this day, and it was over a year ago. Not my heart is actually breaking for him.
Would you give him another chance? Do you know why you would?
I would not, do you know what, because only because I have been in that position before where you could giving me a million dollars not to pooh, and I couldn't have done it. Like sometimes in life there's gonna be a moment where you need to pooh and it doesn't change who you are as a person.
It just maybe changes you diet in the future. No more chili for you, man, Why is this a thing? Like I've seen this with other people. My mom and
my stepdad do it as well. So they they love chili, both of them, but they have like chili almost like they had this like unspoken chili competition as to who can eat the hottest foods, and they're like, well, I like chili more than you like chili, and they buy some like ridiculous fifty dollars most expensive, most hottest chili in the world's sauce to put on all their food. They'll put it on fucking pancakes, and you're like, what are you? Who are you trying to prove this too?
It doesn't taste good. It's like a dick competition.
I think with guys also too, it's like who can eat the most chili like you're a man. But also, I think where this man went wrong, Surprisingly, it wasn't pooing his pants. Where he went wrong was not just ordering her an uber and paying for an uber. It was making her sit in his car when his window didn't work with the shit in there, pay for the girls uber.
Think that where he went wrong was just not being all she can saying I don't like chili. I think that that could have all been sold right there at the very bit.
You have given him another chance. Oh yeah, okay, this girl's name is Nadia. He's opening line on bumble, Hey Nya, don't worry about the d you'll get that later. She goes ah, thanks by no things.
One guy asked me if I wanted to go to the beach and play shark attack. I asked, wait, what's shark attack? And he said, you scream while I eat you out. My name is Amanda.
The first line in the message what's better than eating Amanda in eating Amanda out? Oh he's awful. But you know what, surely these people don't actually think these lines are gonna work. I think these guys are not invested, and I think they think it's it's funny to just do a throwaway and like, if it works great, If it doesn't mean and they're getting their own entertainment out of it, I totally agree.
Okay, I have one more story to throw into the mix. And this guy I matched on Bumble kept talking about his two cats all night long. We had a pretty great date, however. He told me stories about all the funny things his cats did and how they always sit next to his bed at nighttime when he woke up, et cetera. He talked about his cats a lot. Towards the end of the date. He then asked me if I wanted to see pictures of his cats. I was like, all right, pal, I mean I like cats, but he
was really into them. He took some printed pictures out of his bag and it turns out the cats were dead and they were taxidermy.
So in my lock, oh my actual cos So in my mind, I went over all the things he'd been telling me in the last two hours about his cats, and it all got very, very fucking creepy. Did you machine his house? We were that girl rush. They were at a restaurant like that.
This is the funny thing is is this wasn't the only story that I received from people who had either had a cat that passed away and was pretending that the cat was still alive because they thought that chicks like guys with cats.
It's weird. Just buy a new cat. Yeah, get a cat, Get a cat. Leave the photos at home. Okay. I know that we was supposed to wrap it up, but I have another one. I could go on for ages. This girl, I'm not I'm just telling this story. This girl invited this not This girl went over to this guy's house for dinner. First date. He's like, come grab some pizza. Brilliant. She comes over, they start to eat their pizza. She's like, within an hour, you know what
wasn't vibing it. Knew it wasn't going anywhere. So she wrapped up and she was like, I'm going to head home. Headed home. Got a message from him as soon as she got in the door that said, hey, charging you two dollars per piece of pizza. This is my bank details, please transfer.
No, She's like, I had three pieces for real?
Yeah, I reckon now she had three pieces of pizza and he asked for six dollars to be transferred into his account. Did she do it?
Fuck?
No? Has here?
Okay, I've got one more and then we're gonna call it at this all right? So I recently downloaded Bumble and thought I'm gonna try dating multiple guys so I don't get overly attached. I had a first date lined up with a guy on a Friday night and it was drinks, drinks and tappers. And then I had another date lined up with another guy on the Saturday night, a chill, sunset picnic. The Friday date went way better than I ever expected, and I ended up back at
his place. We spent the night there and we had mind blowing marathon sex. I left his place the next morning, went into work for a bit and then got ready for my second date, admittedly not really feeling like going on a second date with the new guy because I couldn't stop thinking about the first guy. Anyway, the picnic was lovely, the guy was fine. We ended up packing up and heading to a bar for a drink afterwards, where we were there for a couple of hours chatting
when his friends rocked up. What do you think happened, Britt?
What?
What? What would happen to me? I would turn up and my date, I reckon her date from the Friday Night was like his roommate or his best friend or someone there in that group. So a group of his friends rocked up and it was the guy from the Friday Night It was Marathon Sex guy turned up to her date.
However, this actual story has a very very happy ending, so obviously she wasn't vibing with Saturday Night guy. She was really transparent and said explain what had happened and then had her have like an awkward conversation with them both. But she's still now dating Friday Night guy.
Yes, she is queen Marathon Sex. So look that's a win all around. Well, other thing with that is to no one that's a very unfortunate situation, but no one's actually in the wrong. It's just like, it's just unfortunate that she went on two dates in a weekend that happened to be with best friends. And I think the most people who are online dating can rationalize the fact that most people that they've gone on one date with are still open to meeting other people. They're still dating.
You know, nobody locks down a date or locks down like a commitment after one date. I think that very few people would kind of go down that path.
Yeah, absolutely, get a girl, Well get it. Well, I'm gonna call it. This has been one of my favorite segments that we've done, and we have so many more coming in. We literally had hundreds that I reckon. We just whax them up on the Facebook group.
We will put some of the more hilarious and inappropriate ones up on the Facebook group which is Life Uncut Podcast if you're not already following. But also we just want to say thank you again to Bumble for having a wicked sense of humor and allowing us to share some of the funniest online dating stories that you guys share with us. There has been so many that have
come through. But the one thing that I think is so amazing from a lot of these stories is that no matter how ridiculous some of these stories may seem, so many of them have actually ended up in legitimate relationships. So, guys, for today's episode, we really wanted to have a conversation around jealousy.
And you know, when we started.
Talking about this, I was so surprised that we have managed to get through a year and a half of recordings and never done a full episode on jealousy and jealousy in relationships, jealousy in friendship groups, the whole spectrum of what jealousy is, because quite seriously, it's probably one of the most common negative emotions that we feel in relationships.
And you know, even if you don't think that you're a jealous person at all, I'm sure that there has been times in your relationships or times in your friendships where that, you know, green demon has raised its head a little bit, and it's something we all deal with.
It's a very very common feeling. But for some people, jealousy can be something that becomes overwhelming and obsessive in their relationships and it can really damage and break down our self confidence, our self worth and become a wedge in our relationships as well, so we wanted to talk
about this. It's also something that's come up quite a lot recently in the Facebook group and we've had a few questions surrounding it, and we're going to break down the different types of what jealousy is and how people
can experience it and what triggers it. Then we're also going to talk about some coping mechanisms, and we then want to dive into a very specific type of jealousy, which is called retroactive or retrospectivejealousy, and retroactive jealousy is basically when you are in a relationship with your partner now and you feel jealousy about their ex and become obsessive or jealous about the relationships that they've had in
the past. So we're going to fully unpack that because I think that that's a very interesting and specific kind of jealousy that I know I have personally felt before. And I will tell you all my deep, dark secrets, guys, but before we get into it, I just want to quickly give you a bit of a definition around what jealousy is. And that's because I mean, obviously we all know what it is, we've all felt it. But I think that there is also often a misconception that jealousy
and envy are the same things. So envy is something very different to jealousy. Envy is when you are envious of something that somebody else has. Maybe they have a amazing relationship, or that you perceive them to have an amazing relationship, and you're envious that you don't have that. Maybe they seem really successful to you and you're envious that you're not as successful as them. That is not
the same as jealousy. Jealousy is actually a really preemptive emotion, and jealousy is something that you feel when you already have something, So it's a protective emotion. So if you're already in that relationship but you feel threatened by an external source, ie you think that girl is trying to take your man, that is when you can feel jealousy. So you have to already have something in your life
to feel jealous about losing. And they say it's a preemptive emotion because it's us trying to protect ourselves from the loss, from feeling hurt, from feeling pain, from feeling trauma. If our partner was to do something to abandon us. That's where jealousy comes from.
Yeah, envy is often associated more with monetary things and superficial values, like you're envious of someone's car or someone's house. It's not usually tied into romance as such. That is, like Laura said, that is when you become jealous because you're scared of actually losing that. You're not scared of losing your car. You know, you're not scared of losing these monetary things. That is why say, jealousy and being envious of something you are very different and you need
to work out the difference. And I think jealousy is something that no one wants to ever admit that they are. We also we almost deem it as a negative characteristic that we have, like I'm not a jealous person. No way, I'm not being jealous. I don't care when it doesn't always have to be. And that's something we're going to
get into as well. Sometimes it can be a positive in a relationship, but I can guarantee you if you start to think about your past relationships, all of us have had a moment of jealousy, especially in romantic relationships. Obviously there's jealousy that rears it suddenly head in the workplace and in friendship groups and in every other aspect of your life. But almost everyone has experienced some type of jealousy in a relationship, and Laura, no one more so than you.
So you know what, though, like, Okay, I will straight up put my hand up and say that I have definitely been really jealous in past relationships. And I now realize now that I'm in a really healthy, secure relationship where I don't feel jealous. I understand what triggers that in me, and I think that that's something like to be really cognizant of.
And I listened to loads of.
Podcasts and I read loads of articles before we did this recording. And the reason why was because I wanted to really get my head around, like, you know, why it is that we feel this way, and why is it that I felt jealous in one relationship but not in another. Some of the other articles and podcasts they listened to, they really kind of drove the point home that being jealous is your shit and it's something that you need to work through, like it's your problem, it's
not your partner's problem. I don't necessarily believe that. Okay, I think that you can be in relationships that insanely inflame your jealousy and their relationships that aren't built on trust, their relationships that are very toxic, or they're fragile, or they're volatile, And I mean, for me, I'll just talk about my own personal experience for a little bit if you give me the microphone.
That's actually that was the question that I asked you, and then you just went on. I was like, Wow, is she gonna tell me her jealousy story or so? I have a few.
But I mean, like you guys know, and I've spoken about it really openly that I've definitely been in a few toxic relationships that were kind of back to back there for a little while. One of them, which was the worst, and I've spoken about it quite a few times. There was a lot of gas lighting in the relationship. There was a lot of him. He would physically and visibly flirt with other girls in front of me. He never really made our relationship public. He never spoke about
our relationship on social media. He never really made it known to other people that we were together, even though we were together for about two years, and that in itself made me really insecure, and it made me really question my worth in the relationship. Every time he had contact or he became friends with a girl, or somebody started following him who I didn't know, who was outside of our you know, Like I was like, who the fuck is this new girl following you on social media?
And it made me really insane. But the reason why I felt insane in that relationship was because bottom line, I didn't trust him. Bottom line, I shouldn't have trusted trusted him because he was cheating on me and was doing the wrong thing, And so the jealousy that I felt was completely warranted. However, the way I expressed my jealousy was completely incorrectly. So I would get jealous, and then I would be angry at the girl, I would be angry at whoever it was that he was showing
affection too. Instead of realizing that actually these actions and these behaviors were him and he was the problem, and having enough self confidence and respect for myself to actually leave the relationship, I kept on trying to fix it, or fix him, or fix our problems, when really I was jealous. There was a reason that my body was telling me to feel that way, and I really should have just had more respect for myself and left fair.
I was trying to think back to like my past relationships when I was thinking, have I been jealous? What my situations? And I've got like one main one that's serious, and I've got one that's fucking funny. I was in my first relationship, as you guys know, for eight years, no jealousy, never experienced it never because I never felt insecure. I never felt like he was gonna leave me for someone else. I never felt like I wasn't good enough
for him. It was just a healthy, secure relationship. So I didn't know what jealousy was because I had I had been with him since I was sixteen. My next relationship was with the sociopath, who I was trying to pinpoint if it was jealousy that I was feeling, but I actually don't think it was because I didn't have
any outlet in that relationship to feel jealous. For example, I felt two years of insecurity and not feeling good enough and wondering where he was and trust issues, but there wasn't a chance to be jealous because I didn't know anyone in his life he didn't have social media, Facebook, Instagram, nothing. I wasn't ever around him, and his friends weren't. We
barely went in public together. We're always just on like little week ends away or like I just want you to myself, like let's go to this hotel and all this stuff. So when I'm thinking back, I'm like, wow, I actually wasn't jealous because there was no one or nothing to be jealous of. The only thing I'd be jealous of was that maybe he was spending too much time at work with his friends. And I was jealous of his colleagues because they were spending more time with
him than me. But that's it, So like I didn't get it. Then then I met this guy and I just loved him. It was like love at first sight. Spent just one weekend with him. I've spoken to you guys about it before. I just I met him online and he moved back overseas, and we are to this day. Probably it's been like six years and we're still really really close friends. But in the early days we still started to talk every day and he went back. We
were never gonna be together. He leaves overseas in America, but we're still talking every day, and then he was telling me, you know, I'm seeing this new girl, and I'm like, I'm really happy for you, like, because I can't have you, I want you to be happy great, But of course I was like, who the fuck is she?
You're like, I'm going to find her on social media and stillk the shit out of her.
Yeah, I'm like who is this girl? And like why who is she? Is she good enough for you?
Like?
What is it about her that you know? Why I want you move back to Australia for me? Like in all these crazy things. So I found her on Facebook and I was just talking a page and I was just trying to go through whatever. I love crazy, Brittany. This is the only time I've done it, and it's doing crazy. Like I wasn't ever gonna do anything. I just wanted to see what she looked like. And then that was it. Got out of a page. Then I get a message a couple of hours later, why have
you befriended bray On on Facebook? And I was like I feel sick? And I was like what They're like, have you been looking up my relationship? And I was like, what are you talking about? No? I was like I don't even know what her name is she's and he sent me a screenshow He's like, you've literally there's a friend request from you. This is why you don't talk because you're so bad at it. I'm so bad to leave betrayal. Anyway, I just owned it, and I was like, okay, look,
I was interested in what she looks like. I was like, obviously my fat finger was pressed friend requests. I was like, I wasn't doing anything wrong. He laughed, but he's like, he's like, now it's caused the problem because she's like who's this girl? Because we're the only mutual friend and now I've had to tell her you And I'm like,
well sorry, like obviously like low key meant to. But I was like sorry, anyway, That's the only time I've experienced jealousy, and I can't experience it anymore because it just doesn't work out for me.
I guess when I look back on my relationship with the man who will never be named Voldemort, literally the human equivalent of Voldemort. I remember this one time as well where we were out at a nightclub and we were at Casa Blanca's.
Guys with the good old days, and there was.
This girl who was very, very very flirty with him, and he was like a tall, very attractive man, and she was very flirty with him, and he knew that she was there, like it was very obvious that she was trying to, you know, show that she was president, that she was interested in him, and he was doing his best to appear to be single like he was not. He didn't put his arm around me, he didn't reassure me, he didn't do any of those things.
A lot of peacocking going around. Oh my god, his dick was fucking flailing in the wind normal Double Bay on a Saturday night.
So I said to him, I was like, look, I'm feeling a little bit insecure, Like I feel like you're very obviously flirting with this girl and and like I would like you to stop, like maybe make me feel maybe make me feel like we're the ones who are here together for because we are. I turn around and two seconds later he's dancing with her like she's dry humping his leg in front of me, and I was like, what are you actually doing? Like what the fuck is
going on here? I'm just thinking, what are you actually doing? And he yeah, I know why didn't I leave right crazy? And then he turned that around to me and was like, you're crazy, you know you're you're you're so insecure, you're the one that has problems. And like going back to this, like, yes, I was insecure and I did have problems in that relationship one hundred percent, but those problems were founded because of his behavior and unlike we've talked about narcissistic personality disorder,
we've talked about gas ladding on this podcast before. I really think that like, if you're behaving in a way that's not the way that you normally behave in relationships, Like, if you're in a relationship that's making you feel crazy, crazy, jealous to the point where you're blinded by it, you really need to break down and look at the source of where it's coming from. Because it may not be
that you are crazy. It may be that your relationship is really insecure and it's really toxic, and you need to have some confidence and make some changes to your life.
And I think that you know when you break it down, when you're feeling jealous in a relationship, like so much of that comes from a lack of self confidence and a lack of feeling worthy and being scared that maybe your partner is going to find someone better, or find someone funnier, or find someone who they click with more than they click with you, And it's that fear that maybe they might leave you, which is what really sparks that feeling of like, oh, who are you texting?
What are you doing?
There are cases, and like we all know that there are cases where where both women and men can fabricate and manifest things that aren't actually there as well. So obviously, when I speak about my experience, it's an isolated case where the jealousy was warranted.
However, there are cases where.
You know, maybe your new boyfriend is friends with girls, right, maybe he's got several girlfriends who he's quite close with and he chats to, and that in and of itself makes you feel jealous and insecure. Those feelings aren't necessarily warranted, like if he's not doing anything wrong, then then that's when you have to really think about the fact that maybe this feeling of jealousy is coming from you, and that you're the one who's creating this and you're the
one that's manifesting this. One of the ways to try and bridge that divide and kind of break down what seems like this mystery relationship that him and his friend has is you need to get to know the friend. You need to be included in all aspects of their life,
you know. And if your boyfriend is really great friends with some hot chicks, like if he's trying to include you in that friendship and bring you out, you know, when they all go hang out and like introduce you and you are able to create a bond and create a friendship with them as well, then by just like bridging that divide a little bit, that's what's going to help you break down those feelings of jealousy and realize, like, oh, what you have perceived in your mind to be this great,
big threat actually a normal person who they are legitimately friends with.
Yeah, the number one thing to do is just to figure out what you're jealous about, Why you're jealous. Where does this jealousy stem from? Is it warranted or not? Is this coming because he's making you feel jealous? Is this coming because you had a really bad, horrific relationship in the past. Is it coming because you don't trust him?
Is it coming because you don't trust yourself? Where is it stemming from, because you need to be hyper aware that if it's not warranted, you need to do something about that, and you need to take full responsibility for that.
Because if there's nothing that your partner is doing to actually make you jealous and you're still jealous, that is something you need to deal with straight away, or it is your relationship will end because your partner's going to come to a point where they're saying, you've got to let me live my life. I love you and I have done nothing wrong, and you constantly make me feel bad.
Having said that, if your partner is doing the wrong thing and you are feeling like you can't trust him, then you're feeling like you can't trust him for a reason, usually where there's smoke the fire, and that is something that you also need to deal with. You need to feel you're okay. No, I actually don't feel secure in this relationship, and I don't like that you're talking to this girl without me. There, I don't like that you're
meeting up with your female work colleague without me. And then you have an open conversation with your partner and
you deal with it. If he doesn't want to meet you halfway and he doesn't want to accept that you're feeling this way and you're feeling vulnerable, then that's a whole nother ballgame, and that's something you're going to have to address together, and you're going to have to decide if you actually want to stay in a relationship where you feel isn't nurturing what you need and there's no
futual respect. So there's so many aspects to it, but the first step is figuring out where you're jealousy is coming from and why you're feeling it.
If you're in a normal, secure and happy relationship and you were to express your feelings to your partner and say, look, you know, I'm feeling really jealous because of your relationship that you have with X person, or because of the way your coworker messages you at ten o'clock at night,
whatever it is. If you express to your partner why you're feeling jealous, like somebody who loves you and somebody who supports you and somebody who's not doing anything wrong will want to reassure you, and they will also like try and understand why you feel the way you feel, and they will make steps or try and do things to kind of ease that anxiety that you have around it, and they will respect that conversation.
I really genuinely think that.
But if somebody is doing the wrong, or they are defensive, or they try and gas at you and say like, well, you're crazy, you're making this up, there's not really any room for conversation there. There's not really any room for your feelings to be validated, even if your feelings are wrong, even if they haven't done anything wrong at all. Like, one of my best friends is a guy. So if Matt came to me and said, Haila, I'm feeling a little bit insecure about your relationship with Todd. Can we
have a chat about it? I would be like, holy shit, I'm so sorry that you feel like that. Like, obviously, Todd and I have been friends for ten years. Nothing is going on there, Nothing would ever go on there. I would hope that you would know that. But why don't we all go for dinner? Why don't we go
and have drinks? Like, I'm not going to cut him out of my life, I'm not going to stop talking to him, but I would make sure that Matt fe secure enough and understood that that friendship as much as it's so important to me, I'm not going to jeopardize my relationship because of my friendship.
Yeah, you just but what you're doing is compromise and meeting Matt halfway totally. That's what you need to do. Now, have a question for you or you about to say something? Ye, well, I was gonna say.
It's actually like when you when you have a person of the opposite sex is a best friend, it always triggers some conversation like I have, like, you know, this guy and I we've been friends for a really long time. Nothing sexual has ever happened. We are only and have always been friends. But every single guy I've dated in that last ten years has made the comment of like, oh, well, I'm sure that if you tried it on, he would go for it. You know, I'm sure that if you
were open to it would be accepting of it. And I'm like, no, Actually, we have a legitimate friendship where we have traveled overseas together, we have gotten drunk together, We've stayed in the same hotel together. Nothing has ever happened, nothing would ever happen because we are so like brother
and sister and platonic in that way. So I do think that they're is that little element of jealousy where you know, even for a partner to say, oh, well, i'm sure, if I'm sure, if the circumstances were different, something would come out of it. So there is that little tiny questioning and doubt. But as the person as me who has that relationship, it's my responsibility to make sure that my partner doesn't feel jealous of that friendship. That's really important to me.
Absolutely and most of my friends. I have so many male friends. I always have. Since I was a kid, I always had more male friends than female friends. I was such a tomboy. I did all the boy sports, and I just feel like I get along with them better, they get me better, and I know that that will one day become an issue even with some people I've dated. I have a photo of me my best friend in my room that he gave me. It's us at the
beach together. Look, I'm like, sure, we probably always look like a couple, but it's because we've been best friends for so long, nothing has ever happened. And he was a bit like, oh, like, what's what's the photo for?
Like?
And he was feeling insecure, and I was like, oh, it's my best friend literally best friends. For ages explained it tried to make him feel okay about it, but I could see within him he was a bit like, sure, nothing's happened. Yeah, but that was just early days, and it's going to be an issue for me one day, for sure. I feel like people are gonna question it. But I will never ever stop a friendship with someone that I have been long term friends with because my
partner is jealous. What I will do is, like you said, and just try and bridge the gap, make them friends, make us all friends, make it realize that there's no threat. My question to you is what would bother you more or what do you feel like you would be more jealous of physical intimacy, like your partner cheating on you, or your partner cheating with like emotional intimacy. So I'm mad cheating or physic I know, and I'm putting it only because I have read a study on it and
I found it interesting. So I want to know what your thoughts are.
I think that they both fucking suck. I think as someone who's been cheated on in my past relationships, I find it really really hard to overcome. And I think that the physical cheating for me unfolds the emotional cheating, so it's like they go hand in hand, so I can't say one of them is worse than the other. I think emotional cheating is horrendous because it really starts to degrade and disintegrate your relationship because you think, well, we have this special connection, but now you have a
special connection with someone else. However, physical cheating for me, I start to second guess everything. I then question where they are when they say they're somewhere, I then feel.
So for me, I can't pick one. They're both fucking suck. So for me, mine is what I think is worse is emotional cheating. And I know, like a lot of people gonna disagree with me. That's also fine. Like it seems from your explanation, Laura, that like the physical thing is what stabs you in the heart more, the emotional thing for me is what stabs me in the heart more.
Yeah, like the physical thing, I know, the thing is. The emotional thing gets me like and absolutely destroying. But like the physical thing, for me, it erodes the relationship.
Like I think I can get over it, but I don't think I.
Ever actually fully forgive or fully rebuild trust. So every time I have been cheated on in a relationship, I've always tried to make it work, but in the end, I feel like, you know, months down the track or yearsed down the track, I've never fully gotten over it,
and I always hold some resentment. And I think if you've if you've gone through cheating in your relationship and you're trying to work through it, you have to get to a point eventually where you don't hold animosity to it and you don't hold resentment because it just erodes your relationship.
Well, So, there was a study published in the Evolutionary Psychology in a two thousand and four journal that when asked about sexual versus emotional infidelity, respondents of both sexes reported they were more jealous about their partner's emotional infidelity. Now, this for me, I was like one hundred percent. So my sociopath X literally fucked like hundreds of girls, like it was like always having And I found that out later.
But he was always having these sexual relationships with people were that meant nothing to him, but he was just doing it because he needed it. Then I found out he had this other relationship with someone for six years. That was emotional, and I've read the messages of him saying I love you so much, I'm starting his life with you. And the bit that bothered me was reading his emotional connection to her not pow. I couldn't even.
I didn't even it didn't even register on my radar that he'd had sex with all these people, because I was like, oh, my god, you were so in love and obsessed and had this emotional connection with someone else, and that's that's one hundred percent what I was more jealous of than a physical thing. And I found that really weird because I was like, why aren't you caring about all the people if my sisters, why an't you
caring about the people he slept with? And I'm like, I care about them, for sure, But in my mind, I'm like, oh, you had sex with someone. You never thought her again about it again, it was a physical thing. You wouldn't even pick her out of a lineup, but you were invested in this person and like you were planning a life with them, and you know, you literally
loved them. So I think personally in a relationship, and obviously this study agrees that that is more powerful, and I think That's where things really do start to unwind, is when you've seen that someone else their heart is with someone else as well. I think that's where it really drives home.
This kind of leads us into this conversation about retrospective jealousy.
So I mentioned what it is.
It's when and like I have felt this, guys, it's when you're jealous. You're in a happy relationship, you're in a healthy relationship, but you're jealous of your partner's X, and like you can become obsessed with your partner's ex.
This idea comes from like the fantasy that maybe they love they love them more, or maybe there was something there that's unfinished, or maybe you know, they talked about how you know, that was the person who the only other person that they've loved in their life and they thought they were going to get married, but for whatever reason, it didn't work out, and so you become obsessed with this thought that like, well, maybe I'm not as good
as them, Maybe if circumstances were different, he would still be with them, And so, like, you can really go down a pretty bad rabbit hole with retrospective jealousy. Have you ever experienced this, Like, have you ever like had a boyfriend and been like feelings or like wanting to check up his ex or look at his ex on social media and then being like, fuck, she's really pretty and then being like, well maybe I'm not as pretty as her, and then going down that rabbit hole like
have you ever done this? I feel like this is so common. I mean, I'm hoping this is so cool.
No, I think it's actually completely I don't think this comes into a jealousy thing. This category for like normal relationships. I think it's super normal when you meet someone dating someone early stages to have an interest in like, Okay, who were you in love with before? Like who was it that took your fancy for all those years? What did she look like? Why? What's so good about her? I think it's normal to just like want to see what she looks like and check her out. But I
don't do it anymore because I did it once. I've seeing this guy I really liked in London. He was incredible. I looked up I didn't and I mean I thought he was wonderful. I didn't know a lot about him. Was three months, we were just chilling. I looked up his after three months I looked up his ex and she was like, I'm not kidding. She was from Malibu. She was like a supermodel, legitimate. She was actually quite failing. Carless is not helping my insecurities. Now, she's actually quite famous.
And then as soon as I looked at her the relationship was fine. I was like, well, fuck, well, he's never gonna like me, when really he did like me because we were seeing each other. But then I got in my own head. I got insecure because she was beautiful and stunning and they were together for three years, and I ruined the relationship. So I actually pro am proactive about trying not to look at people's past anymore.
It's really funny, isn't it, Because it's one of those things that's like a total catch twenty two Because when you start dating someone, you want to feel like you know them and you're connected to them, and like that you know every single thing about them, so you ask lots of questions. I mean, I know I do, like
I ask looks of questions about their ex'es. I ask lots of questions about their relationships because I want to I want to understand what has made them the person that they are but then when I find out that they have had these like strong connections or relationships or like you know, these feelings in the past, then there's a little part of me that's like, oh, is mine as good? Is what we have as good? Is there
a reason why you're not with her anymore? Like did she break up with you and then leave you heartbroken? And are you over it? Or there's just this little bit of nigglingness that happens. And for me, like I I know now that that's that's an insecurity of mine, Like you know, and we always say like comparison is the thief of joy. There is like me comparing myself and thinking maybe I'm not good enough, or maybe they're
they're dating down now that they're dating me. So when Matt and I started dating, I was bad to say, did you look up Matt xes?
So? Well?
I think like the really important thing is keeping in perspective this whole idea of bridging the divide that I kind of mentioned earlier. When you don't know someone and you like you can fantasize that they're much better and much more interesting and much more beautiful or amazing than what they necessarily are, and not that they not, that they're not like I take that back. Sorry, you fantasize that they're almost unhuman because you don't you haven't met them,
Like right, you haven't seen them in real life. You haven't had a human conversation with a normal person. So when we were going through the show, and like the show was on TV and everything, and like, obviously Matt and I were together, but like no one knew.
We were together.
There was always articles that were coming out about who Matt had dated in the past, and like these are mas x'es, and so I know that Matt has had two significant relationships and he's been very much in love
in one relationship and it didn't work out obviously. Yeah, Its cause I saw these photos in a Daily Mail article where it was like here in Matt's two ex'es and they're both beautiful and they're both like I looked at them and I was like, holy wow, Okay, they are really really hot and why is he dating me?
And also because you know, people would then comment and I guess my relationship being so public, there was a lot of external conversation around like oh, well, you know, as if he's going to be dating Laura now like I would read comments like that, and that really cemented my insecurity. So anyway, fast forward to when the show's over,
we're actually together. So weirdly, I have now met both of Matt's exes, Like one of them I met at a party because he's really great friends with her brother, and the other one I actually went to her wedding and was invited to her wedding, And neither of them. Now do I feel insecure about for any reason or anything.
But for a little while there, I really felt jealous that maybe what he had before our relationship was better than what he had now, and I really like second guess myself and felt like I would compare and I would kind of like look at Instagram and I would like, you know, look at social media and stuff. And also because like one of them has a very big public profile, I just felt like I wasn't good enough. That's where it came from. And I know that this is my
total insecurity. It was nothing that Matt ever did. Matt never ever, I mean they're not in contact. Matt never really kind of played into it. He would tell me things because I would ask questions, but then it was like me shooting myself in the foot because I'd ask a question and then it would make me upset the answer, so then that would kind of put me down the rabbit hole a little bit more. But there was definitely a time there where I was like a bit jealous
of his exes, which is weird. It's a weird thing, but I think that so many women go through this and it's this comparison and it's a lack of self confidence, and I think a lot of jealousy stems from a lack of self confidence.
I mean, look, just not gonna help the fact, but I have seen Matt's xs they how beautiful, cannot but I've also seen you, and you are beautiful. And this is what it comes down to. Right, you are sitting next to Matt, you own a relationship with Matt, You're with your partner, and you're jealous of someone that he used to be with that didn't work out for whatever reason, they didn't choose each other. And this is what I
think people need to realize. If you're experience this, if you are experiencing this, and you are experiencing these like awful jealous feelings of your partner's ex you have to stop and think about who is sitting next to him right now, who he has chosen, and why he has chosen you. Obviously, it doesn't matter how beautiful they are. And I could have told myself this years ago, just because their X is a supermodel that's rich and beautiful.
Sports Illustrated magazine.
But like, exactly, I've ruined that relationship because I couldn't accept that he chose me. I was like, well, he's not gonna choose me, Like, no, he did. He chose and I ruined the whole thing. So I think you guys have to really think, well, I'm the person here like Matt chose you, So I hope now, oh my god, you don't interfer any Yeah, because they're fucking hot. No I don't.
Yeah, thanks for brand. I don't at all, and not even an inkling of it now. But what I'm trying to get at is like, it is a common feeling, and this comparison that we can draw at the beginning of a relationship is something that I think a lot of women and men do you know, when you start dating someone new, you look up their exes, and then it can be easy to think and to kind of like immortalize their ex to being something that's greater than
what it really is, or immortalize that relationship. And I genuinely think, and this is like my biggest kind of point to take from this whole thing, is like, if you have self confidence in yourself, if you believe in what you bring to a relationship, if you like show up to that relationship and you're like, no, I am worthy of this, like I love you, you love me. I am a great catch, and we are equals, then
that feeling of jealousy will subside. I think it's when there is a imbalance in your brain and when you're thinking that somebody is better than you and you're saying like, oh, I'm not good enough of this, and it's this feeling of insecurity and this feeling of not being good enough, which is where that jealousy comes from. Everybody is entitled to have a past. Every single person has a history.
And you know what, we're thirty four. Of course, we're both we have both been in love before, We've both had significant relationships. We have both had times in our life where we thought, fuck, maybe I'm going to marry this person and then we didn't. And now we're together.
Everybody is entitled to have their past, and if you hold that against your partner, if you punish them or you make yourself crazy about it, then the only person who's going to suffer in this relationship is you, and the only thing that's going to suffer is your relationship.
So let's run through some signs of retroactive jealousy.
If you're talking their Instagram fifty four times a day, I'm pretty sure you've got retroactive jealousy.
Yeah, got it. No, If you ask your partner a lot of questions about their past constantly, not just when you get together, but throughout your relationship. One year in two years and you're constantly wanting to know about people in their past, that's a sign replaying the same jealous thoughts as almost like a mental movie going through your head, so it's all of a sudden all you think about is all consuming. That's also a sign. Find yourself trawling Yep,
we know. Don't stalk someone. If you're stalking them constantly, you're jealous.
Also, make sure that you don't hit friend request. Don't hit the friend.
Request guys, if you've gotta store them, be careful put your fat fingers away. All right, so you figured out you're a jealous little fucker. What do you do now? There are a few steps. First, literally accept and validate your feelings. Jealous is normal. It's a normal feeling. But you just need to figure out is it you? Is it because you don't feel good enough? Is it them?
Where are these feelings coming from? Once you literally accept that the feeling's there, you've broken down what you have the tools to start to go down the path of fixing it.
And I think like the next thing as well, is like having really open channels of communication with your partner, explaining that you feel the way that you feel, even if even if the way that you feel isn't rational, Having a conversation with your partner and saying I know that you've done nothing wrong, I know that this is completely unwarranted, but I feel like this.
At least, then.
You're kind of offloading that a little bit, and you're allowing your partner to understand why maybe you've been acting in a way or lashing out at him, or doing things that is not how you would normally behave and hopefully if they are respectful and loving towards you, they will try and like, ease your insecurities. They will try and help you as much as this is on you to figure out yourself, like, they will do what they can to help you get to a place where you feel less jealous.
Resist the urge to dig and pry into your partner's past. So normal just to want to have a look at what they look like, that's fine, but don't start going into that person's life. What do they do on the weekends. Don't start reading their messages, don't start looking at tagged photos of them. Nothing good can come of that. Nothing good is going to come from living in a past, well the past in general, but a past that's not even yours. He's like, why would you live in that situation?
So you need to resist the urge to go and do that, really try to be present in your relationship in that moment and deal with the here and the now. So that's a huge, huge one. Don't go trawling because it's a bloody deep dark web and you will end up in like nineteen seventy three on their grandma's page, and you can't do that.
But also you will end up finding things that maybe you think they're suspicious, and they may have a completely innocent answer to them, but because you're already of the mindset that they're doing something wrong or that you're feeling jealous, it'll spiral those thoughts even more so, Like, just don't put yourself into a situation where you are fueling that energy and you're fueling the flame that you know and you're making up stories that aren't necessarily even true.
Now, the communication is a big one, and I am going to tell you something like a way that's a psychologist, a relationship psychologist. She gave an example on how you can approach the situation because there's one thing to say, be open and communicate, which is important, but there are also so many levels of communication. You can't go in one hundred miles an hour crazy accusing your partner of all these things and asking all these things, putting stress
and pressure on them, or it will implode. But she gives an example of saying, approach it respectfully by using statements that have I in them, so focusing on your
feelings instead of things that they have done. For example, you could say, sometimes I feel worried that you'll move on from me, because I believe you could date anyone you wanted, instead of saying you make me feel like this because you don't give me enough attention that if you wered it that way by putting it them and using the words you, you, you, you, they're going to feel attacked and they're going to get on the defensive. But so you don't I feel like this because I
feel like you could do anything you want. I feel like you're so amazing that I worry someone else will scoop you up.
Yes, I'm all for being honest, having open channels of communication, but I kind of think I don't want my partner to talk to me in a way where they're like, you're so great and I'm insecure because I don't feel good enough. Not as much as like, yes, I want to reassure them, but I would get pretty fucking tired of that narrative eventually, because I want to partner who knows that they're my equal, who feels like they're my equal. So I think that that's like almost a dang drus
place to stay in. If you're constantly saying you're so great and I'm not good enough for you, your partner's going to end up believing it at some point. So I think, be careful with that conversation. It's okay to have that conversation once or twice. Explain why you're feeling insecure, but you are good enough. That's why you're in the relationship.
Like you need to believe that, and you instead of constantly verbalizing that you don't feel good enough, you need to start internalizing that you are fucking good enough.
And that's really important. The idea of this conversation is it is once this is your conversation at the start, well, you're like, yeah, you have it at the start, but the idea is you approach it with sensitivity and you say instead of attacking them by saying you, you just say I just I feel like this because of this, and they give you their explanation, and then the idea
is you move on. It's just supposed to be. So it's a sensitive way to approach your partner without making them feel like you're putting everything on them, because ultimately, in retrospective jealousy, you physically cannot go and attack them because they have done nothing wrong. They've done this before you physically knew them.
It becomes exhausting constantly trying to make someone feel better when the way they feel is not rational, So like, be very careful. If you have realized and you have reduced it down and you know that you're the one that has the issue and it's not necessarily your partner's behavior, then you're the one that needs to make changes and you're the one that needs to really go about some self development and some self discovery. Go and speak to a therapist, go and speak to a counselor really hash
out where this insecurity comes from. Maybe it has to do with your attachment styles, which is a whole other episode that we did a few weeks back, which is so interesting and it talks about like the different ways that you connect and attached to your partner. But maybe there's other reasons in your childhood, in your upbringing, in your past relationships that's created trauma that is what fills you with this insecurity and this jealousy.
The other thing to really remember is that every single relationship is going to come with its ups and downs, and every relationship is scary and comes with its own risk. It might be successful and it might be forever, but also it might not and it might end. One thing you can guarantee is by constantly bringing up past issues, you're pushing it down the going to end path. So you've got this fifty to fifty risk. Right, I could make this thrive live now, put all my energy into
making it positive and growing. Or I could sit here and dwell on a pass that I was not a part of, dwell on a past that was before my time, and just bring negative energy into the relationship. And I can assure you you're gonna go down the path of breaking up, so you may as well thrive on the situation. Put all that energy and channel into focusing on your hearing now and growing into a really healthy, positive direction.
And I think that this goes for everything, right, Like if you are realizing that you're in a relationship where you can't get past something, and maybe it is your issue, but you can't get past the fact that maybe your partner cheated in past relationships, or you can't get past the fact that your partner is super close to someone and they're not doing anything to try and appease or
ease your insecurity around that. If you physically can't get past it, then it's on you to potentially leave that relationship and find a relationship where you do feel more secure in You can't change your partner. You can't tell him or her that they cannot speak to someone. You can't control their behavior because as soon as you go down that path, I mean like I've tried. I definitely, in my really toxic past relationship, tried to control his behavior,
you know, I was. We had rules around like what was like acceptable and not acceptable because of him cheating and me trying to control that outcome and stop it from happening again. And all I can say is like you can lay all the rules down, you can try as hard as you can to try and make somebody behave the way you want them to behave. Unless they
fucking want to do that, they're never going to. So just be really conscious that if there's something happening in your relationship that you cannot get past and you know it's not going to get better for your own mental health, then maybe that's the point where you have to go, Okay, this isn't the relationship for me, because I don't want to live my life like this.
And the last sort of thing I want to touch on is we've basically spoken this whole time about if you're feeling these feelings, if you're in a relationship now listening to this, and you know that your partner is experiencing this, And this is your partner that's constantly questioning you and worried about your past, and he can't sleep with you because he's disgusted by the fact that you ever had a sexual partner. Which that might sound crazy
to you, but that happens a lot. Literally, you need to first know that A it's not your fault, it's
nothing you've done. B. All you can do in this situation is offer him or her love, compassion, support, reassurance, make them feel like it's okay and that you love them, and that they have to seek help with speaking to somebody, because if this is a real serious problem for them, they will never get past Nothing you can ever do is going to help them get past it, because you can only tell them so many times that yes, I had a relationship before, but I don't think about them
and I love you. There's only so many times before it's gonna rea relationship down. They have to seek help. There's not really another option. They need to go and speak to a professional.
And like we've just been talking specifically about relationships as in antique relationships. But like you guys know, and like we know, like jealousy can rear its head in so many different ways. Like I mean, I'm sure that most girls out there have been I'm sure that there are plenty of girls out there who've experienced this where maybe you have a best friend and then either you've become close to someone else or they've become close to someone
else and you feel jealous of their new friendship. Like that's another form of jealousy that's super common. But I think at the end of the day, the one thing that we have to keep note of and be really really cognizant of is like you cannot control other people and the way that they want to live their lives. And you can't control the people who they come in contact with, the people that they're speaking with. Everybody is free to act and behave and live their life in
whatever way they want to. The only thing you can control is your reaction to someone. If that reaction is to feel really jealous, and that reaction is a really negative one, then that's for you to work on, and that's for you to try and sort through that jump, because it's going to end up disintegrating.
That relationship even more.
All Right, guys, you know that we never finish an episode with about our suck and our sweet, and that is our highlight and our low light of each and every week. Pretty what fucking sucked about your life this week? So my second sweet is actually super easy this week. And I know every week I get here and I'm like, oh, I don't know what it is.
My suck is that I went to Port mcruary on the weekend, which is also gonna be my sweet. But I went to Port McQuary and I came back and I got back. I drove back late last night, and I had a lot of work to do for the podcast over and overnight, and I woke up this morning, went to come here, and my laptop's on like minimal charge, which I never let happen. I'm like, cool, throw it
on the charger. I left my charge at Port McQuary, and which is disaster because this whole podcast is done from the computer, and well, like my whole life in general is done, and my whole life is on his computer. And now I'm two percent from dying and I don't know what I'm to do. I mean, I know what I can do. I can go buy one, but it's not the point.
Girlfriend, you're in the red. But also like, okay, Britta knows about me. I'm someone who lives with all of my my phone, my laptop, everything is always in the red. So I never go and pick up my charger or to put my laptop on charge until I'm like on four percent battery, like I really like to push it to.
The end of the nth goal.
And there has been so many times where it's been like eleven o'clock at night and I've been editing for like the episode to come out. The next day, I go to plug my laptop in and I'm like, my fucking charge is at work, and the then I have to drive into Paddington, which is like, look, it's not far, but at eleven o'clock at night, the last thing you want to do is run around trying to find a charger.
She should just be in your handbag. She also feels the need and no matter what time it is, to tell me that that's what she's doing. So I has like eleven thirty nine, She's like fucking going back in to work together. Anyway, I have actually never met anyone in my life. Every time I see Laura every time. It doesn't matter if it's eight am, it doesn't matter if it's midday or if it's eight pm at night. Her phone is perpetually what's it on now? Percent? Perpetually?
I'm like, do you ever charge your phone? I have never seen it a more five percent? I'm like, how do you live like this? It's probably the thing that makes me the most anxious about you.
I yeah, I constantly have a phone that's run out about you. Nobody understands it. I also have I also have two thousand, sorry, not two thousand. I also have twenty seven nine hundred unready fail.
Oh, I get that. I have about ten thousand. But like that's fine. I just put those to the side. But you're constant. I'm about to run out of bat trae thing? Does my heading? All? Right?
What was your sweet? Well, we know you're sweet? Was Port Macquors sweet?
It went to Port. The weather was absolutely incredible, The beaches were incredible. No one was there. My whole family was there. We partied, we drunk. No one was there. My whole family was there. Like the beaches, you can go to the beach there and you cannot see someone for a kilometer because there's so many long stretches of beaches there. It's beautiful. I loved it. I'm regenerated and I'm back. How was your nana's hangover? She was great.
I saw her in the morning for Brecky. She's like, I had the best time last night.
And I was like, oh Na, not so loud. Maybe it's like the same thing when you get old. It's like when you're like eighteen, hangovers don't affect you, and then when you're like eighty eight, hangovers don't affect you.
Your old has already packed up and got She was down in the whites too, and White's the biggest hangover drink. All right, watch your suck.
My suck is very trivial. My suck is the fact that I cannot and I have completely relinquished this. Now I've given up. I cannot keep a clean house. I spent all day last Thursday cleaning my house from top to bottom. It was incredible. It could have been from a really shitty, ugly Vogue magazine shoot that someone would be very disappointed to shoot.
But still it was clean. The house was fucking clean.
And now, honestly, I just don't know what happens, like I do not I know, I know what happens.
I have a one year old, but it's just two one year olds. Let's be real.
I have one year old and then I have a one year old that's in the form of a thirty three year old.
Man.
I just can't keep a clean house and it gets me really down sometimes, and today it got me down.
Ah, I don't know what to tell you. That sucks.
Well, I just see all these people on Instagram who have children and their house is immaculate and everything is styled nicely, and their kids are dressed nicely and everything looks perfect, and I know it's not real.
It's not real. You know that behind that camera, you know that what you're seeing is immaculate, behind that camera is like three menu pile of rubbish. They've just pushed it out of the frame.
I know, and I know I know this, like I live this life, like I know the Instagram is not real. But still it doesn't mean that I don't see it sometimes and go like, oh fuck, I wish I had my shit together a little bit more. But speaking of having my shit together, my suite for this week is that I really feel like We've been kicking some massive goals for Tony May, and I was having this wild anxiety around how I was going to be a full time work like, how was I going to run a
company and also be a mum to two kids? And I was like, this is going to be a very interesting part of life. But I'm starting to feel really good about it. I'm like, I think, oh, I'm glad.
I'm glad.
I'm glad you feel about this is my anxiety. I think I think we're going to be fine. I'm like really really proud of how things are going with work, and like we've been kicking some big goals and it makes me feel a lot more settled about the fact that my life is going to be thrown into utter chaos in a few months time.
I'm happy for you. Thank you continue to take that feeling into the future. Thank you.
All Right, guys, Well, that is it for us and for another episode. Thank you so much for listening to another ep of Life on Cut. If you have a question for Asking Cart, or you have a hilarious accidentally unfiltered story, please send them on into either our Facebook
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