Oh my god, stop it. Britty just flashed my head titties again. They do it great, Hi guys, and welcome back to another episode of Life on Cut. And now we've had to do a little switcheroo this week because Brittany here has lost her voice. We're almost lost a voice.
She's got a throat infection. So instead of doing our main episode today, we decided that we would go for our short, sharp, down and dirty episode and we would do our ask uncut on a Tuesday, just to really throw a spanner in the works and keep you guessing.
Guys, I do have I do have a throat infection, like a really hardcore throat infection. And like I just want to reiterate, it's not hurting me to talk very much, but I don't want to put you guys through an hour of listening to this voice. And if you guys new to Life on Cut, welcome, and I do not sound like this. I want you to know normally, if you're a new Life on Cut listener, it gets better.
You gotta love it when someone rocks up to your house during the middle of a pandemic and says, I've got a really bad throat infection, but I'm fine to record the episode. I was like, ah, are you fine? Should you bring my house? Why are you holding my children?
You should see it. This is like this big white, dangly thing. So good. But no, this is how dedicated we are to you guys. We don't want to leave you with our an episode, but we thought the best we could do for you this week is just switch them around. So you're just gonna listen to the ask on cut this week. But enough about that. How are you Laura? Somebody had the Big three five birthday.
I was like, it's thirty five even the thing. Yes, I turned thirty five on the weekend. Actually, and I turned thirty five on Friday last week. I was keeping it to myself. It was a bit low key. It didn't look lowkey across Instagram. I went out for the lunch and then I went out for dinner, But in comparison to past years, it was pretty low key. I did lunch with my sister and then Matt took me
out for a really nice dinner. We had Nana common babysit the kids, and it was the first time we left the house with any children and we were kind of like what do we do now?
You looked beautiful. I must say that on your Instagram. I think it's because like, you don't dress off or go out and mush anymore, and I only ever see like this, So when I see dressed up, I'm like, damn shorty.
Also, an aggressive filter goes a very, very long way. A little bit of a little bit of light tuning and an aggressive filter. Also when you've had a shower and you've brushed your hair, people, especially like once you've just been in like the den and the soup of living in your own filter for six weeks after having a kid, The moment that you have a shower and put makeup on, people like, oh my god, you look beautiful.
You're like, no, yeah, not really.
It's just a vast comparison to what you used to when the vomit's not in my hair.
It really goes a long way.
Speaking of that, my daughter literally just did an explosive diary poop on the couch before we walked in here to record, and I was like, you know what, honey, you can do with that, And so Matt is currently cleaning up breastfed baby yellow poop.
It was the best thing, right, We're both sitting in the lounge as she does a little poopy and goes, oh, do you want to tell to put under a Laura is like, now I think she's done famous last words. Then she shoots this diarrhea and I'm talking like, shoots out and goes down. The crack of the couch is everywhere, and we're dying. And then my favorite part, guys, I've
been waiting seven weeks for this moment to happen. Laura, she picked up Lola after this and she goes, so little Lola Derby and I was like, oh my god, it's happened. I've waited my whole life. At this moment, her nickname is the al Lola Derby and I'll be forever ingrained into your family even if we break up.
I feel sorry for my child. That's true. Okay, But before we get into that's enough about my child and diarrhea. And you know, we got in there really quickly. But before we get into the questions for today's episode, all of the things that you've been asking and sending in, I want to bring up something that happened last night on Maths. I'm not you're going to talk about sex or something I want to break up. Something happened last night.
It's something different for this podcast. I usually talk about my sex life. So you guys were recording this on Monday morning. Normally we recorded over the weekend, but because BRIT's been a bit sick, we have to push it back. And last night on Sunday night, I'm sure a lot of you watched the Maths episode where Bryce wrote leave, then he crossed it out and wrote stay, and it was very controversial. And everyone has a lot of thoughts and feelings, but nobody has as many thoughts and feelings
as I do on the matter. Let me tell you.
This, we love a good thought and feeling session on life on.
Cut I was so mad and I was so mad, and I know that a lot of people who watched it you would understand the reason why we were also mad and the level of manipulation that goes into this. But Britt doesn't really watch that much Maths, and so I kind of wanted to explain to her something about
it that has sat with me so wrong. And the issue with Bryce and Melissa's relationship this whole time is that Melissa seems to fundamentally have such low self worth that she's willing to put up with whatever it is that Bryce does because she is petrified of him leaving her. That's the dynamic of their relationship that we've all seen
play out so far. The thing that really pissed me off about him writing leave last night was just another step and another little way of further manipulating her and creating what is called trauma bonding. So basically, imagine if your boyfriend or your girlfriend does something that upsets you and hurts you. Maybe they've cheated, maybe they just whatever, they just haven't listened to you and they didn't take the washing out and hurt your feelings, whatever it is.
Imagine that you approach them about something that they have done wrong and you're upset about it, and instead of them apologizing, and instead of them understanding listening to what you have to say, they flip the narrative and say, oh, it's just you know what, you're so upset, it's too hard. I'm gonna leave because it's better for you if I leave,
because clearly I'm such a bad person. And instead of taking ownership and taking any responsibility, it's this gas lighting and turning it around so that the person who is actually the one who's been wronged in the first place, who is owed, and apology goes, oh, I'm so sorry. I made a big deal about it. I'm so sorry.
Don't leave. What Bryce is doing to Melissa is that because Melissa has been showing that she's upset on the couch, because she's been showing her feelings, it's like he is blaming her that this problem is being created, that everybody is you know, all eyes are on them, and he thinks, well, all eyes are on us because you keep getting upset. And so the fact that he's written leave and then written stay is sort of his way of going, you made me do this, but you know what, I'm giving
it another chance. And it is so evil.
Well it's a classic deflection manipulation technique, isn't it. It's like also him trying to come off in this situation like he's a hero, like I'm doing this for you, the old you deserve better and that's why I'm doing it, which is like I'm calling bullshit. People do that all the time as an excuse when they do want to just leave as well. But the thing that gets me with him writing leave and then writing stay. He wrote leave at the top, which means there was room at
the bottom for him to write stay. It was premeditated. He knew that he was going to write it. He wanted the space to write stay. The other thing is he one hundred percent knew that she was going to say stay. He knew that was staying. There was no benefit to him riding the leave and crossing it out. The other thing is it sort of creates this bond with them, and like you said, her self esteem is so low and I really feel for her and she needs to work on that. You can even see in
her body language, which she's always quite looking down. It's almost like she's a shell of herself when she's with him, which I hate to see. But he's creating this environment where, like you just said, Laura, okay, I'll stay for you, but I want you to know how close I was to leaving, Like I'm you're on the cusp. So she's going to be walking on eggshells even more because she knows how close she was to leaving, And that in
itself is a technique. He's creating an environment where it's like you don't know how good you have it and how lucky I am to still be here kind of a thing. So the poor thing is walking on eggshells as it is, but she's going to be terrified now to put foot out of place.
And you know, obviously we don't know how much of the show is edited, and like, let's give some level of benefit of the data, even if it is a dumpster fire and it doesn't deserve it, but the thing is and it's something that we advocate for so much on this podcast. When you are so frightened of being alone or having someone walk away, and you're so scared of abandonment, and that is what drives you in a relationship that allows you to lower your standards so far
that you just don't have any standards anymore. And so that's where I think we've gotten to with Melissa and Bryce. Melissa's standards have dropped and her self worth has dropped to being so minimal that she would put up with anything that he does and says because her fear of him leaving her surpasses anything that she deserves for herself. And like you said, Britt, it was the absolute telltale sign when he wrote leave at the top, because like what he was trying to say, was I wrote leave
and then I changed my mind. No, pal, you wrote leave knowing that you were going to write stay, because you wrote it specifically with enough space on the card to change your mind in the middle. Shit. Yes, anyway, Mass made us both very mad last night, and I need a glass of wine and to sit down the show.
Actually, I said this to Laura, like, I'm trying to watch it now because I want to get on board with these conversations. They are important conversations, but it just I've never I don't even know. I can't pinpoint why the show is furiates me. I can't enjoy one bit of it.
Wait, you don't enjoy people being vulnerable and like absolutely decimating their self esteem and self worth. You don't find that entertaining.
I think that's crazy. I know it so crazy. It just infuriates me. And last night watching it, I look at them and I know, guys, I've been on two reality shows. I know that a lot is fabricated, and I know there's a lot of manipulation, but there are some things you cannot manipulate, like things they are what they are. I'm trying to give a lot of people the benefit of the doubt, but everyone's infuriating me, and I feel like people are going in there trying to start fires, and that infuriates me.
Something that comes up every season on every reality TV show is that people who portrayed badly always cry that it's the edit. There's always the conversation of the edit, the edit, the edit. I was really lovely person in there, and I've been made to look like a villain. There is only so much that can be achieved with an edit, and I think that that's really important for people to keep perspective on and also for people who are on the show to have some self reflection and some self awareness.
We all know how reality TV works now. The producer is pushing you to do something or to say something that goes against your moral compass. Have a spine and say no.
You know.
There were plenty of times on The Bachelor where I was asked or told and I know, the same thing for you, Britt, to do or say something, and I was like, no, absolutely not because it's fucking mean, and you just don't do it. And then they go to the next person ask somebody else to do it. The thing that gets held over you is airtime so the producers will say to you, well, if you do this and you say this, you'll get more airtime. And what people don't realize is that that's not always.
A quation, you know, one airtime. There's a reason I wasn't really shown on Bachelor Paradise. I walked off said and quit the Bachelor at one point, which I've never really spoken about. Towards the end, probably about three quarters through. Because of that, I was like, this isn't me, this isn't my storyline, and that's not what I'm going to do. It's not what I'm about. I'm never gonna say this, and I was beside myself. So I quit the show.
I was like I'm done, and I walked out and they had to come and chase me and be like, please don't go, and I was like, well, you need to get on board with the fact that this is never going to happen, and like, I just want to fall in love. Just let me be a shadow in the back and fucking form love.
Yeah, totally. So I do think most of us realize this when we watch these shows, but be wary when someone says and blames the edit entirely because you know, you can only cut and paste so much of someone's personality. If the person is still choosing to say and do things, especially if they're talking director camera, then that says a lot about the person themselves.
I do want to say though, and like this is true, Like Laura said, the villains are the villains ninety nine percent of the time, and they have said these things. What I will say, and in their defense, is it can be made to look a lot worse a lot of the time. But they are that role and usually they are that character. They give the producers so much already, but it can be made to look a lot worse. I will say that we're not just like throwing these
people under the bus as well. But yeah, just know that if someone said something, they've said it.
Yeah, I mean, I totally totally agree with that. But at the same time, fucking Bryce, I can't wait.
I'm actually gonna watch this week. We will talk about it a lot more on Thursday's episode because I think something explosive will happen them next week. Their storyline is far from over.
Anyways, Let's get into the question guys. Thank you so much to everybody who has written in questions for today Brittany has chosen four questions and we're gonna kick it off with number one.
I'm gonna make Lauristar number one. My throat needs a little rest.
Okay. Number one is so, guys, I've been dating this guy for the past four months and he is wonderful. Honestly, on paper, he seems to tick all of my boxes and I have fallen in deep. The problem is is that recently he has been talking a lot about different conspiracy theories. Oh fuck, run, and I'm starting to think that maybe this isn't a one off thing and he has just been keeping this part of his identity a
bit of a secret. What would you do if you found out your partner was fully into conspiracy theories?
I find this really funny.
Fucking run.
My immute reaction is like ty up your joggers and get out of there. But no, Look, this has few different levels because I have friends that I mean not close friends. I have acquaintances and people I used to work with that are conspiracy theorists. Some of them it doesn't bother me when they have an opinion. I sometimes find it amusing when it's like, really like the world is flat, They're like Oh, it's cute.
Think Aliens made the Pyramids adorable.
Totally, Like COVID is fake. That shit annoys me when people are spreading fake news, like Pete Evans, for example, I couldn't stand that I would divorce Pete Evans in a second because that's actually putting people's like it's so dumb, it's so far fetch, and it's putting people's lives in danger. When people just have their own thoughts and opinions and
it's cute. They tell you can have a laugh if it's not affecting your day to day relationship, or you're not arguing about it, or you know, it's not making you lose sleep at night. I think it's fine. It's just when someone's life starts to change. Like I had some friends that literally and like this is quite funny. They thought the world was going to end and they had an end of the world pack. They'd been packed and ready to go, and the pack stayed at their front door permanently.
It's like they were going to go to the hospital have the baby. They had their baby bag pack.
Was it endy weld bag?
Was this like a twenty twelve Mayan calendar? Thing like when the twenty twelve end of world was supposed to happen and then it never came.
But did you know what, Yeah, it's exactly like that. But they didn't have a date they were waiting for. It was just sit in case the end of the world was coming. It had like cans of food and stuff, all the things you would think. But then it had and this is the funny thing. It had string and like a rope in it. But the guy had done like a rope course and knew how to tie all these knots and stuff in case that they.
Had to like hike themselves up a tree. I don't know what the rope was gonna do. Okay, wait, but my question is do you think that somebody who has an end of well bag at their front door is the extreme end or do you think that that's okay? Because I think I would have a real problem if Matt wanted to keep a bag at the door in case the zombie apocalypse was coming.
Like, my babe, it just doesn't go there. Asthetic in here.
We need to at least put it in the cupboard, like come on, Look, there are some conspiracy theories that are obviously less harmful than others. Exactly what you've said, brid but you need to be very aligned on your core beliefs with your partner. And if your partner is a conspiracy theorist or believes in things that are very contradictory to what you believe, then I think that that
is going to cause problems down the path. And the other part of this as well is you don't know how deep they are in I think you need to kind of figure that out, and if they haven't been fully transparent with you about this, figure out how deep their belief system lies, Like what is it? What political views do they have, what religious views do they have?
Not just around conspiracy theories, but these are all things that you need to be on some level on the same page with because they are core parts of a relationship. They're parts of what you're going to have this conversation. They're also parts of how you're going to raise children if you do decide to have kids, Like they're really really integral to having long term relationship. And I think you can get so deep in how you feel about someone before actually looking at who you are as people
and whether you are well suited. And it doesn't sound like necessarily you're well suited. It sounds like there's a lot of chemistry, but there's a lot of shit wrong here as well.
Yeah, I one hundred percent agree if it's in a sense, as an example, if it's like I believe that the Aliens made the pyramids, fucking lols, Like have a loll and be like okay, babe, Like whatever works. If it's something more serious, like COVID is fake, or you can buy this fifteen thousand dollars lamp to cure COVID.
Or qan On even like there's a lot of dangerous stuff that's coming out of q and On, you know, Like, I think that everyone is entitled to their own opinions, and like we can sit here and say what we think is conspiracy theories and what we think is acceptable. That's our personal views. But at the end of the day, we are going to date people who have similar views to us. Whether those views are right or wrong, and whether your partner's views are right or wrong, or whether
he is that youit crazy, that's irrelevant. I think the main thing here is that you need to be on the same page with stuff, and there is only a few things that you can really deviate that, Like, there's only a few conspiracy theories that are not so harmful that they're going to cause problems in your relationships.
I like what you just said, Laura, and like just to reiterate on that. If you do start to put it in the same category when someone has feelings that are that strong about conspiracy, if you put in the same category as things like religion, you do have to think long term if it's going to be compatible with your life and your children and the way you're going to bring people up. Because when someone believes so strongly in something like that, it's going to cause a rift.
One hundred percent. It's definitely okay to have different opinions with your partner and different beliefs, Like I encourage that. I think that's healthy discussions. You just need to figure out how different his thoughts are and his conspiracies are, and if you're okay to continue on with that. Ultimately, that's all it is. If you can't stand what he's saying and it infuriates you and you know it's not compatible for the future, then I think it's a really
really significant reason to leave. Like, I think it's warranted. I don't think you need to be overreacting, like, oh, is it overreacting if I break up with him because he's a conspiracy theorist. If it's going to impact your life, then no, I think that is a valid reason.
I think we've almost wrapped this. They want to say one more thing on it.
We love this where it's like I'm in a keep going because we could talk about it forever.
I think if you're dating someone and you're embarrassed by the things that they believe, and you are worried about them voicing those beliefs at say a dinner party or out with a group of friends, if he was to talk about the things that he believed in and it would embarrass you, then that is a pretty clear indication that you're on very very different pages. If you were like, hey, I know he believes these things, but if he keeps
them to himself, I'm okay with them. That's when you need to check yourself, because you want your partner to be able to be his true authentic self in the same way that you would expect him to be okay with you being your true authentic self.
Sotaally, like when you're apologizing for someone behind their back, like when you're leaving a dinner party. You turn it around, you're like, I'm so sorry about that tonight.
I'm sorry that he's crazy.
You don't even have to Yeah, fucking you don't have to do that. So yeah, sort your shit out, all right? Next question, question number two. This one's really funny, ladies. Can we discuss height as a deal brahit in relationships? So I feel like the first sentence is already like a red flag, Like I don't think we even need to read this anymore. But I'm going about a month ago,
I broke up with my boyfriend of two years. From the moment it happened, I have been going back and forth with it being the right decision and making a pros and cons list in my head twenty four to seven. It's exhausting. Now, look, we're big on this. We're big on writing. You know, if you are struggling with something, we're bigne saying, Okay, what's the pro what's the con? Like this is fine, I'm not against a list.
Not for two years. Though. If you're still running as on a pro list two years later, I reckon you probably didn't rate the right decision if you're still thinking about it.
Okay, but this gets worse. Oh shit, I keep coming back to the same thing. I'm not a shallow person, but being smaller than me. When my boyfriend and I were together, I often just felt huge and grotesque standing next to him and having to bow my head just to kiss him. I felt like I was missing some primal instinctive element that I embarrassingly crave in a partner, which I suppose is that male female power differential. Am I shallow if everything else in the relationship is absolutely perfect?
Should I just learn to live with it? Or will I forever crave a partner that makes me feel dainty and can pick me up and throw me in the air like a pizza. I mean, like, are you shallow? Yes? I say that I'm not being nasty.
I say that you're shallow, but I'm just being nice.
Well, I feel like if there were other things wrong, I would say you're shallow. But if you just said you've been with it for two years and he literally said he's perfect except he's shorter than me, then I would put that in a shallow basket. Now, I'm not saying this is anything bad against you, but I think that it's probably something that you need to understand that if the only thing wrong with him is his height,
I personally don't think that's a reason to end a relationship. Look, girl, ten years single, I know how many fuck heads are out there, Like, it is hard to find a really great human. And if you've found a great human and the only thing that's detrimental to your relationship is that he's shorter than you, obviously it's up to you and how you feel if you can live with it. But I don't think that's a reason.
I think it's pretty interesting, right, Like, I mean, yes, it's a superficial thing, but usually it's a deal breaker straight off the bat. The fact that, like you went down the path of being in a two year relationship and it was still an issue. I would say that, like, normally, if you meet someone who's shorter than you and height is one of your he requisites, it would instantly end the relationship kind of there, and then, like I definitely think for me, height was an important part of when
I would find someone attractive. That's not to say I haven't dated anyone shorter than me. I dated a guy for three and a half years. Who are shorter than me. But I do understand this feeling of like wanting to feel feminine and wanting to feel little. And I'm like quite a tall, broad person and I didn't feel feminine and little in that relationship. Was that a deal breaker? And did that make me feel unattractive with him? No?
Absolutely not. But it's interesting to me that you have gotten two years into the relationship and that is the only thing that has constantly stayed as an issue for you. And it makes me think maybe maybe there's something there that you need to work on yourself. Why do you need to feel little? Why do you feel like you need to feel skinny or feminine? Like that seems like a self esteem issue more than anything, because you're not defined by your size, and we're all gonna change sizes
throughout our life. You know, we're gonna put on weight, we're gonna lose weight. Like that stuff that fluctuates, and that stuff is not a guarantee. So like, why is it that feeling little and feeling feminine is so important to you in your relationship? Maybe that's something and a question you need to ask yourself.
I do want to actually agree with that, and I do want to make a point to Laura and I are both tall, and we are both broad, and we were both very athletic growing up. I one hundred percent resonate with what you're saying. I've always felt bigger, like I always have and even though I'm not huge by any means, but I was made to feel that way, especially when a lot of my friends were little. I always wanted someone to date that was bigger than me because I didn't want to accentuate the fact that I
felt big. But I have dated people that were smaller than me. I dated one guy that was shorter than me, only a little bit, and he was probably He wasn't huge and muscly either, but fuck, he was funny. He was so funny and he was so lovely that I was just obsessed with his personality and everything else in that moment, and in that relationship took over the fact that I was bigger than him. He loved being with me.
He made me feel really good all the time. So I got past that, but it was always one hundred percent. It was always in the back of my mind, but I just had to be hyper aware that everything else was great. I also have some friends whose parents have been married forty years and they're so in love and they could not be more extreme. He's like Daddy DeVito,
no joke. He's five foot something and she's an extremely tall woman, so he comes up to probably maybe under her boob, like significant height difference, and they have the happiest, most loving relationship. It just doesn't mean anything because they're perfect in every other way.
So I have a friend who's the same thing, like it would have to be a foot difference between him and her, and they have a kid together. They're so happy and they do not give a flying fuck that there is a heart difference. There's two things that I want to say on this one. I just want to reiterate that we are talking about a height difference here
when we say bigger or smaller, La. This is not about way in comparison, because it could be very very annoying for you guys listening to two relatively skinny girls going, oh, and I felt bigger than him, which he's.
Been broad and like we were both swimmers and surfers, Like we just felt tall and broad.
We totally appreciate it purely height. This is purely height. And secondly to that is I think we need to reassess this idea of it's social normative. That's what this is. We have been conditioned that men are supposed to be taller, women are supposed to be shorter. There is no other reasoning behind it. It's like a primitive whole. Tall men are strong and robust and viral, and they're going to provide for us, and we are diminutive little women and
we need to be taken care of. It is that social normative that has created the environment and created the concept where we're like, well, we need to date men who are taller. Fuck that. Just date good guys or date good girls, like date people who treat you and make you feel amazing. If the one thing there is a barrier in your mind is height, then really maybe
you need to do some work on yourself. Because if it's two years later and you guys are broken up and you are still doing pros and cons list because you know that he was actually an amazing guy and the only reason why you broke up with him was height, you're going to find it very very difficult to constantly compare someone because, yeah, there's a lot of tall guys
out there. There's a lot of tall assholes out there and trust me, I would rather a guy treat me great than throw me around like a pizza.
Conversely, like, on the reverse side to that, I do want to say that, like I agree with everything Laurie just said, but ultimately I think it sucks if you can't get past it because it sounds like a beautiful
relationship that you would be lucky to be in. If you know internally that you will never feel good and this will be in the back of your mind for the rest of your life and you know you cannot conquer that feeling of he's shorter than you, then yeah, I think that you probably do need to end the relationship because it'll be there forever. But I think if you can, you need to try and work on it and save the relationship. That's what I want to say.
I'm like, I think you need to go balls in with this guy and try and work on that problem because he sounds amazing and like it is. Fuck, it's just so rare. You've got another thought I can tell Laura.
Do you think the part of this is not just a reflection of how you feel as in like you feeling like you want to be smaller than your partner. But do you feel that there's any part of this that comes from what other people might think? I think that that's a question to ask yourself as well, because I remember when I dated a guy who was shortenedan me, the guy I was talking about three and a half years. At the start, my question wasn't so much about him. I was so into him, but I was like, what
will people think about me dating someone who's shorter than me? Like, which is so that long? Does that look silly? Like? Does it look silly to other people? And the thing is, nobody cares about you. Nobody cares about your relationship. Nobody cares about the way you look. The only person who cares is you. And so if you can get over it and you can be happy with it, then you're
gonna have a great relationship. But if you allow something that is super super super super super superficial to impact that, that's all on you. And we don't think you're necessarily a superficial bitch all the time, but like this, this is a hard one.
No, we don't think you're a superficial bitch at all. But our advice to wrap this up is to make this work go and give it another shot. That is my advice.
I'm there, I'm with you. I love it when we agree. All right, Question number three, and this is our last question because, like we said, guys, we're just going to keep this episode short, sharp, and Snazzy is dying this.
I have to go to the GPA after this. This question genuinely, and this doesn't happen often. I felt so uncomfortable reading the question. I got tears in my eyes, and the empathy that I had for the girl in this situation was like nothing I've ever had before because I felt so awkward. Okay, guys, I'm still really close friends with my childhood best friend. She is the reason my partner and I actually together. I'm getting married at the end of next year and I haven't picked my
bridesmaids yet. I know that she assumes she's going to be one, but the issue is I don't want her to be. Without going into too much detail, I know she will cause a lot of stress and drama in the lead up to the big day. Another issue is that when she drinks, she can become quite loud and she can get aggressive, which has course scenes at events before. And I know she's not gonna not drink. How do I gently let her down without causing too much conflict?
I feel so guilty because she keeps mentioning when we're going dress shopping and it's going to be so great when I'm a bridesmaid. I know I need to have this conversation, but what do I do.
Is so uncomfortable, Like you, she just.
Genuinely thinks she's made the assumption, which I get if you've been best friends for your whole life, Like I have a best friend that always talks about she can't wait to get married, Liken be a bridesmaid. But the thing is she would be like, there are friends that are hume it, and I'm just so uncomfortable by the fact that you've obviously let it go on a little bit too long because you don't know how to approach it. And I feel for you, but like, I just feel so uncomfortable.
Okay, But the issue is does she sit her down and actually have a conversation saying like, look, I love you, but you're not one of my bridesmaids, or does she just go and ask the people that she wants to be her bridesmaids and not ask her friend because there's two ways to approach this. You're like, oh, she'll get the gist once I've asked the other girls.
Nah, I think they are so uncomfortable. I know that you would love to do that and that would be an easy option, but that would hurt her more to hear from everyone else that they've been asked to be bridesmaids. She'll probably be like, oh, did my don't get lost in the mount? Like, I think that you need to have the conversation before you ask the other bridesmaids. How
you go about that is the next part. I don't think you need to go into the fact where you say, like you drink too much and you're aggressive and you cause problems. I think that that will cause a whole nother issue. But that is a really good reason, Like you don't have to feel guilty that you're not asking her. I think weddings cause so much external extra drama that don't need to be there with these sort of issues.
I think what I would have to do if I fuck, If I had to, I would just say to her, look, I love you so much and I want you to be a big part of my wedding, and you've always been there for me. But like, just so you know, I'm only gonna have, however many bridesmaids, So I'm only gonna have three bridesmen.
I don't even have seven bridesmaids, and you're normal. I'm having twenty one bridesmaids, but you don't make the cut. I just wanting one of my closest friends though, so like, you know, don't feel too bad about it. And I've just got Sharon from the coffee shop. Is that a game because she's really nice to me last week and gave me a free one. Yes, she gave me a shot.
Like no, I think you just be honest in that sense where you're like, look, I'm only having three unfortunately, like I need to have these people. Maybe it's your sister, or maybe it's another best friend, or maybe it's a sister in law. Whatever, But then just say to her, make her feel still really loved and include it. Be like I still want you to come and help me choose my dress, and I want you to be a huge part of my day, like organizing it and being
there and stuff. So don't make her feel like she's completely left out. That would be my advice, But I think Honestly, honesty is the best policy.
Absolutely. Look, it's such an uncomfortable situation, but it's not one that you can avoid by sticking your head in the sand. My only thing is is I would say to her, I want you to be as big a part or as small a part as what you would like in regards to like coming and helping with the
organization and the dress shopping. I think it's a bit of a backhanded thing to say, Oh, I still want you to be super involved, but I don't want you to be a bridesmaid because it's kind of like doing all the work without getting any of the glory, if that makes sense. Also, you don't want to be a bridesmaid. It's such hard work. It's so and it's so expensive.
It's like, as much as you love your friends and you want to be there from them in the day, at the same time you're like, look, there's so much work to do. Okay, may just want to drink pinacolatas and enjoy myself.
Let me just get drunk in the corner. Totally imagine this. So I'm not a bridesmaid for Laura, but imagine Laura. If because we've never had that conversation, we'd.
Never ever okay, but I haven't chosen my bridesmaids yet, so like no one who knows not wedding at the end of the year. But I mean, like, if you need a back up, sure, but it's not just assumed that this is happening.
Oh no, it's not a shit. But I'm saying, imagine if you and I started talking, right and I was like, what bridesmaid dresses am I gonna wear? Because I would like to start looking.
I said that, I'd just be like, yeah, well you got another bridesmaid. She'd be like that, we've got to put her in.
So like, what would you do if I started like, because that's what this is, like, really good friends, that someone's made assumption.
So what if I said that, how would you? Honestly do you think you would? Okay, my genuine opinion, And like, I think you need to nip it in the butt now, Like I think the longer that you let this conversation go on, the more that you are implying that she is a bridesmaid. So she said, I can't wait to choose our bridesmaid's dresses. And you didn't nip it in the butt. Then you have reinforced to her that she is going to be a bridesmaid. So you're making your job more and more difficult.
Without saying it.
You've s without her totally, so you're making your job more difficult. So I think the next time wedding dress or you know, anything wedding related comes up, if it does come up, then I think, say, Babe, I'm so sorry. I know that this is going to hurt you. I love you, and I don't want you to be upset by this. But you know, I've only got the option of having these three people, and I've got this is who I'm choosing. I don't think you need to go
into long winded explanations as to why. And I really think that sometimes we feel like we need to overcompensate when we are upsetting someone, when we are letting someone down, or when we're saying no to a situation. It's very rare that we feel comfortable to say do you know what, no and leave it at that, or do you know what? Unfortunately this is the situation. We always feel like we need to justify and reason, and I think if you over justify and you over reason, you actually create a
worse situation for yourself in this. Tell her you love her, tell her you want her to be at the wedding, tell her how important she is to you, but say, unfortunately, I was only able to choose this many people, and you know I've chosen these girls. You don't need to explain why you have chosen them, because that is only going to potentially hurt her more. You know, Oh, because I'm closer friend with this person I did this with, Like, you don't need to explain that away totally.
There's a lot of power in that. And we're actually gonna talk about saying no next episode. Actually, like there's a segment we're gonna do about that, which is I found really interesting. But one other thing I want to say is I've been in this exact position, and I think that if you are really best friends with someone and you really love each other, that this shouldn't affect your friendship. You should love them enough that it's their day and that's okay. I had a best friend that
I never assumed I would be a bridesmaid. Absolutely not, But I also wouldn't have been surprised if she asked me because we were that closer friends and she just came to me, really honestly, and she said, like, I can't have you as a bridesmaid because I've got three sisters and that's all I'm gonna do. Like I'm going to do them, but I would love you to do a speech at the wedding and am see the wedding
like and help me choose my dress. And I wasn't even disappointed because I was like, cool, that's the plan of the day. That's your day. And I loved her enough that I I mean, you're allowed to feel disappointed one hundred percent. I didn't because I'm a bit different like that. I just put things into perspective. I got a role, and I did that.
But also she still included you in the wedding in a massive way by making you MC that's a huge I think that this situation is more difficult because she doesn't have an alternate. She's not saying I don't want you to be a bridesmaid, but I want you to do this. She's just saying I don't want you to be involved in the wedding party. It's a lot harder this situation.
Yeah, I was totally lucky that, you know, I did have another role that I was happy to do, but to be honest, my role was more stressful, like to make sure the whole wedding runs smoothly. But what I'm trying to say is like it didn't bother me even if I didn't have another role, because everyone, if you're in this situation, if you really really love a person and then your best friend, you just want what's best for them, and you want the day to go off
without a hitch. And that just means accepting that this is, for whatever reason, this is what they want. So I think you need you to sit down with your friend, like Laura said, just say that, like I would love you to still be a part of it, and I still want you to come and help me choose my dress, and I still want you to help me plan my hands or whatever else. It is like there are so many things you're going to need help with, and she's your best friend, like you're still gonna want her around.
So I think to sit it down now, but sooner rather than later, because she thinks that she's a bridesmaid.
But also, like weddings are notoriously tricky, there's always somebody who's upset. There's always somebody who's offended, and at the end of the day, like brit said, it is your day, and you make the choices for yourself, and you don't have to take on everybody else's junk around your wedding, do you know. I mean, like, the people who love you should be happy for you, they should support you, and the people who make your wedding more stressful and
create drama are actually being pretty selfish. And you would hope that someone who you're friends with would understand and see that and want the best for you. So for sure is crossed.
Yeah, go in armed. She's gonna be upset, Like going armed.
She's allowed to be upset. You can't control somebody else's reactions of somebody else's feelings. Like she's totally entitled to be upset. Is she allowed to make it all about her? And should she forgive you and find some grace in this, then I would hope.
So I had another friend, I'll just quickly say this, I had this exact thing as well with another one of my best friends. I couldn't go to her wedding actually unfortunately, but she had a best friend of forever her whole life, but she didn't want her for the almost the same reason she didn't want her as a bride'smaid. She had a sister and another best friend and a cousin, and that ruins the friendship. That other girl was so selfish that they're no longer friends. It's been in probably
eight years. They just never spoke again, purely because she didn't ask her to be a bridesmaid. Now, I'm sorry, but that is fucked. That shows you how superficial that friendship was if you not being asked to be a bridesmaid, even though she's still invited to the wedding in a huge part and she still said like I love you. She ruined my friend's whole wedding day. There was six months worth of email fights and like trying to turn
other friends against her. It was absolutely horrible. So I think that really shows that that friendship was never gonna last. It was never real.
I think it reinforces why you don't want them as a bridesmaid. G you know, I mean, if someone's behavior is so bad that they aren't able to and like that's not to say like I don't understand why someone would be upset. Of course I understand that it's upsetting if your best friend doesn't want you to be a bridesmaid. But if the reaction is so adverse to create such problems and to meet the whole day about you and want to fight someone on a decision they've made that's
important to them, that's a reflection. You know what, Maybe this isn't someone who really want to be that good of friends with one hundred percent, and that's a reflection of why you've chosen and made the decisions that you've made. Can you let us know though, when you had the conversation, because this question has just come in, So I would like you to actually, like, we would like a follow up on how this went, how the conversation went, and
also what was her reaction. Like, that's what we would like. Is good for you? I'm scared my pants. I'm scaring my pants, all right, guys, I reckon. That's it for us for today. Britt is going to go to the GP and she's gonna go get some very hefty pain relief. Guysteroid, thanks for putting up with it.
If I'm hoping it gets better, and I think it will, if for some reason it gets word to say the next few days, well I don't know what we're going to do yet, but we'll talk about it. We'll keep you posted on the Instagram.
Yeah, if we have to delay our Thursday episode, we will of course let you guys know. But you know, we're hoping to bring you a really great episode all around the hustle and busyness and why we're obsessed with this busy lifestyle and what we can do to kind of make more me time. Amongst all that.
It'll be a goody.
It's a really goodie. It's actually, it's actually an episode. It's a really good actually an episode that Britt and I were wanting to do at the end of last year that we ended up putting it on hold because another similar podcast had released a very similar conversation. But we're approaching it from a different perspective. So I'm really really looking forward to the next episode whenever that's going to be, hopefully it'll be Thursday.
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