Life Uncut podcast acknowledges the traditional custodians of country throughout Australia and their connections to land, sea and community. We pay our respect to their elders past and present and extend that respect to all Aboriginal and Torres Strait Island peoples today.
This episode is recorded on Gadigal Land of the Aurora Nation. Hi guys, and welcome back to another episode of Life Uncut. I'm Laura and I'm Brittany, and you know what twenty twenty two side Laura fuck. Twenty twenty two was supposed to be a good year. It was supposed to be the year and now half of Queensland's underwater. There's so much shit happening in Ukraine, which is horrendous. I just think that the year is not the year that we thought it was going to be.
But do you know, I think we've got to stop thinking that it's going to get better. I think at this point we need to live just in the moment. I think we need to all embrace life, live every day to the fullest because if anything that we've learned the last few years, it's you literally never know what is going to happen.
Thank you for that inspirational talk, Brittany.
But it's true, don't you think. It's like I think of how many plans people have made, how optimistic we've been, and I think it's really important to stay optimistic. For sure.
I was wondering where you were going with that, and I was like, yeah, so everyone should stop planning anything and like just give up because that's where we're at in life. They ever going to get better than this.
The opposite. I think it's a little bit of a reminder, and I think I am really guilty of it as well, in not living in the moment and enjoying a day or a situation for what it is. It's always I've got to do this tomorrow, this is next week, this is next year, We're gonna do this in four months. It's always this looking ahead and working really hard towards things, which is amazing. But how often do we all sit here and just say, hey, right now, I'm having a really good day.
I agree with everything you've just said, but I also want to say, like, for anybody who is in Queensland and is suffering with these floods, like, holy crap, we're thinking of you. I can't even imagine how hard that would be. I kind of feel and not that we want to talk about what's happening in Ukraine, because I feel like we are not the authorities to speak on
this at all. But I think that a lot of people are probably feeling very helpless right now, Like I know, like I've been reading the news, I've been trying to step up today, I've been looking at what charities to donate to, But I feel incredibly helpless by how big and absolutely fucking devastating what's happening overseas is, and when we're so protected and we're so lucky here.
No, and in terms of what's happening in the Ukraine, like Laura said, of course, we don't want to be a dooming podcast, But the fact is, there is a part of the world that is undergoing something that no one should ever ever have to do. And I think it's really important that everyone educates themselves on that. And I did put some links up. I did do some searching to find places to donate that actually are really helping the cause. So somewhere that I found and I
linked it to my Instagram stories. But if you are wanting to help and you don't know how. There is a page that I found that I did a lot of searching and I found some other people that shared it. It's very reliable. Her name is Bethany Frankel. Her instagram is Bethany b E t h E double ny fr A n k E L Now Bethany in conjunction with b Strong provide emergency assistance to people in crisis. It's
an initiative in partnership with Global Empowerment Mission. They have so far raised nearly three and a half million dollars as of this recording, but that is just nowhere near enough, and one hundred percent of their donations go to helping those people in Ukraine. So if you are wanting to look for somewhere to donate, that's where I have chosen, and that is somewhere that I am going to recommend.
Even like caratasts, like I mean, I think if you can spare a little bit of money just to put towards whether it's a monthly donation a one off donation like that will help in a big way. And I know that a lot of people listening to this will feel exactly how I felt on Saturday, which was really helpless. The anxiety around feeling helpless, that something so big is happening in the world, and that we can't really do anything about it, but you can if you have some
spare money to help in that way. Now onto the podcast and what we're talking about on today's episode. You guys might remember a few weeks back we talked about celibacy. It was a small intro chat that kind of grew into like a bigger chat.
We just and then we became obsessed with it.
And then now none of us ever want to have sex ever again because we're all working on ourselves.
That's a lie anyone listening. We definitely do want to have sex again. I have sex on the weekend. Everyone hoping that can be happy for me. Well, there is no need to rub any more.
Some of us are not.
Some of us are healing. I'm glad for you.
Okay. So the chat that we had about celibacy wasn't like your typical religious celibacy. It wasn't because of a cultural perspective or a belief system. It was just like every day you, me, whoever, chicks deciding and guys deciding that they wanted to have some time off the emotional turmoil and the physical connection that you create with someone when you have sex or when you're chasing being in a relationship, or when you're chasing that connection with someone.
So it's not just celibacy in a physical sense, but also emotional celibacy. We spoke about our views on it a couple of weeks ago, but after that we had so many people from our community reach out who had had some really interesting experiences from going free from the d.
NO, and it started as a like a TikTok trend. That's where we found it. People were talking about their celibacy on TikTok and what has done for them and why they've done it. We got really interested in it, so we had a little discussion. I have been celibate before unintentionally just because I couldn't.
Get lucky in the past, but it also doesn't Carecay. So the whole Celibacy's Chat thing was like, it doesn't count if you're spending all your time trying to date, Like if you're still going out there and you're texting, you're still like on the dating merry go round, even if you're not actually having sex. It's not really embracing this whole idea of celibacy. So that was a joke, Laura.
It's definitely intentional celibacy. It's not as funny when I explain it. It's definitely intentional celibacy. And I have had friends that have done it in the past. I do know people that have said, you know what, I'm just going to do it. I know athletes through Drew Jordan. I know people that have done it for three months at a time. A lot of athletes do it because it's supposed to help them perform better, perform better.
Yeah, I keep that testosterone in the body.
That's masturbation as well. So the athletes that do it, it's not just sex, it's ejaculations because I think they think that all that pent up energy is used elsewhere.
But also I think we all know how distracting and how all consuming it can be when you're in those initial phases or stages of dating, or when you're trying to be in a relationship, or when you're like, maybe you're not in a relationship, maybe you really want to be in one, and it can be all consuming the whole dating cycle. And I think that a lot of people go through phases of having dating fatigue, and I know that Britta and I we've been talking about doing
an episode on dating fatigue coming up. But this conversation around celibacy. We put it out to the community, and so many of you had had your own experiences around celibacy, but one of you wrote in now, Becky, she is part of the life on Cut community as she is a legend. We got her story she wrote into us, and we were like, we don't even know how we're gonna what we're gonna do with this.
Originally it's with it. I was like, what, you're every part of this.
I was like, yes, yes, yes, Well she did it as like a bit of a self discovery, a bit of self healing coming out of a bad relationship and then had a really unique experience with being celibate intentionally celibate. So we originally were like, I don't even know what we're gonna do with this interview or how we're going to use it. And then we sat down with Becky and we were like, oh, no, we're gonna this is an episode. We're going to share this with you guys.
So we're so excited to get into that a little bit later and talk to Becky talk about her experience with celibacy and maybe if you're going through a really hard period where you feel like you're on the dating merry go round, where you feel like maybe sex hasn't always been used as a healthy way in your relationships, you might get something out of this as well. But before we.
Get into that chat, which we absolutely frothed, we want to talk about something else now. Laura, you put some stories up on your own in Instagram about this whole influencer band that we've seen in the last few days. If you guys haven't seen what we're talking about, it's everywhere at the moment, there is an influencer band. Like a new law, new rule that's come out about promoting skincare or medical skin care, vitamins, things like that on Instagram.
You're not allowed to do it anymore. In a nutshell, you're allowed to do it. You're allowed to get paid for it, You're not allowed to receive free gifts for it. Laura decided to go on her Instagram and have a little chat about it. Now, how did that turn out? Because I know you've got a lot of people sliding into DMS. I know the Daily Mail popped you back on another story what happened? And because I think this is really interesting chat, so I do want to talk about it seriously.
Okay, there's many layers to this. The first layer is that I've had a couple of ones on my Saturday night. I'm going to go into the whole thing, but just to kind of give you a bit more insight into what these regulations are. So it's the TGA, who's Therapeutic Goods Administration of Australia bringing in more restrictions around how influencers can promote certain products, and like Britz said, it's products in healthcare space, but also in this skincare space,
and it's skincare that makes medical claims. Now, I just want to make it really clear because I'm not here being like, won't someone think of the influences. I genuinely think this is a great thing. I think it is really important that there is more regulation around the things that influencers are allowed to promote and how they promote it, because at the moment it's a relatively unregulated space. The only product in this entire category list that I was like,
I don't get it. I don't understand why you want to minimize promotion in this space was sunscreen? So sunscreen is considered a medical product because it is regulated by the TGA, and that has been excluded. So moving forward, influencers will no longer be able to say, hey, use sunscreen or where this They can say use sunscreen, of course they can, but they cannot be paid by brand. So basically, influencers will no longer be able to receive
payment for all free gifts to promote sunscreen. And it means like brands like Nutrogena or Laroche or I don't know name is the other skincare brands Bontay sans who creates sunscreen, they will no longer be able to pay influencers to promote their specific products. However, influencers will still be able to say, hey, guys wear sunscreen, which they won't do because they're not getting paid for it.
Well, I completely agree. I think that there do need to be more regulations around what people promote one hundred percent, so I'm not worried about that. I do completely agree. I don't understand why, when we live in a country with the highest level of skin cancer in the world, why you would ban people from advertising sunscreen. I think that it's really important and I have advertised sunscreen in
the past because I'm very particular about what advertised. If I ever advertise something, it's because I have to really believe in it or use it.
Susman, I believe in sunscreen.
Well, sunscreen is like I do not leave the house and this is like, no one's sponsoring these guys. I don't leave the house without fifty plus on, and that is because I used to leave the house without fifty plus on. I used to go and serve ad I was with no cream on. I used to bake myself when I was younger because no one cool was using sun cream. It wasn't cool back in the day when
we were younger. And that's because, like Laura was having a laugh this morning, She's like, remember the old slip slop slap, great promo, but it's not cool.
Yeah.
Look, don't get me wrong. There's been amazing advertising that has happened on and off social media for sunscreen, Like incredible advertising. The slipslop slap campaign is great. Is it cool? Nah? Not really, Like I don't think there's any fourteen year old or fifteen year old going out to their friends, being like, hey, slipslop slab. I've actually said that to my friends clock but we know I'm not cool, Okay, Okay.
The reason why I wanted to do obviously, I talked about it on Instagram if you follow me, you know, but I kind of wanted to have a bit more of a fleshed out conversation around this because I think that there are a lot of levels to it that go just beyond the sunscreen.
So before you get into it, can I just say I was out having some drinks with my sister and friends on Saturday night. My sister came down and I saw Laura's stories. Because I was out, I couldn't hear them, and I was like, I can't wait tomorrow and see what she's ranting about. I could just see like the hand actions that I know your facials, and I was like, would love to see what that's about tomorrow.
It's so funny because I think that we have a bit of a unique take on this, and I think that we're in an awkward position because some people would say that we are influencers because we have big social media followings.
I don't find that.
All good, No, I think it is because I think, you know, we in Australia people don't really like influencers, and I understand why. It's because there's this huge distrust and there are also a lot of influencers out there who will happily take money from a brand, will promote it without ever using it, and I think that that's really unconscionable.
You mean we're in an awkward place because I guess we are in a way grouped into that total, though we don't necessarily see ourselves like that totally.
And I think that my defending any of this new law doesn't come because I'm worried about not making money off sunscreen. I did receive a couple of messages like that, and I was like, okay, guys, I own other businesses,
but that's totally fine. I guess I wanted to just flesh this out because it did blow up in my stories for many different reasons, and I totally understand why, and I can see the fore and against with the whole conversation, especially in terms of sunscreen, but like with all the other categories, I just want to reiterate I absolutely think that influencers need to be more highly regulated and I think that there needs to be a higher level of accountability in the same way that there is
for marketing and advertising online or also in magazines. There's a standard for which people can advertise and you can't make radical false claims around products. The other thing about sunscreen and why it's such a specific industry is because I know that there are a lot of natural skincare products that have come out now and influencers claiming that
they are sunscreen. I guess my thing is instead of blanket banning such an important product, instead of blanket banning a product that we know people need to use for their own health and for their own safety, and we know that the positive affirmation and influence of people talking about it has actually helped to reduce skin cancer in Australia and also the amount of people who are not
wearing sunscreen. My thoughts are, why wouldn't you just limit people or put the regulations and the restrictions on people talking about non TGA approved sunscreen. So instead of saying all sunscreen's blanketed, go okay, well, yes, things that have gone through the TGA process, they can still be talked about and endorsed. However, anything that comes up as like a natural health remedy, Rub this bloody dirt on your
arm and you'll be safe from the sun. Like, then that can be what is actually banned in this process.
Yeah, I don't think a blanket ban makes any sense. And then it's confusing because it's like and look, we drink alcohol. We like alcohol. But it's just interesting when you would go and ban something like sunscreen, which we know in Australia is so important, but you wouldn't go and put bands on things that are actually altering to your body and then approven effects to be harmful to your body, like alcohol. And again, like when we drink,
we're not used correctly. I do think it's interesting that there is a different set of standards for like how they're calling out the healthcare world or the world of like trying to promote healthy living. But it's okay, like we said alcohol, but also things like fast fashion, fast food, there's no regulations around this. And so it seems like things like alcohol and fast food, things that are infinitely more unhealthy and can lead to a much more unhealthy lifestyle,
don't have the same or any regulations around them. And I guess there is like, this does have a flow on effect. If you think of small startup brands or people really trying to get out there, this takes a huge level of advertising away from them because whether people like it or not, we live in a world now where social media is the way of the future. It is the way of advertising. People don't really pay for TV commercials anymore. People are funneling their advertising money into
Instagram because that is where we consume everything. It's where we consume our news, it's where we consume our entertainment, it's where we consume ads. Instagram is the way of the future. So this does have a flow on effect for a lot of little businesses. So it is I don't know. I'm here for it for sure. I think we do need more regulations, but the things like the sun cream can't get my head around.
Well.
I think this whole conversation comes back to, like, generally speaking, people do not like influencers as a whole as a business. You know, it's not a respected industry. It's also there's so much mistrust when it comes to influencers, and that's because so many of them have shot themsels in the foot by working with brands that just go out and
we've all seen it. I'm not going to name brands because I don't want to go to Introta Robbil, but like, there are plenty of brands who are like new startups. It might be a skin cream, it might be a hair product, whatever it is, and they basically just go out and go bang bang bang ban bang, use every single influencer in the market. You guarantee that these influencers have never tried the product before jumping on the bandwagon, and that's why there's such a huge amount of mistrust.
You know, one cream that's saying it can cure acne, it can cure cellulite, it can make your skin suffle. It's like there's too many things that it's claiming to be possible, and a whole variety of influencers are claiming can be possible, and then people go out and spend their money because they've been influenced and the product is subpar. So I get why people feel misled, but I also think in that there's also a responsibility that comes from
the brand. As a brand, we need to be more conscionable in like you're going to use an influencer as a brand really upskilling them, explaining to them what the benefits of the product is, making sure that you have mandatories where that influencer actually uses the product for a certain period of time, so that the advertising that you're getting as a brand is also authentic. I think that there are many levels here of responsibility.
One hundred percent agree, And that is like a perfect little segue into something else I wanted to talk about that is sort of in this transparency world of influencers. The UK has just brought in a law almost around the same time as the law we're talking about now that bans influences from using quote misleading filters in paid beauty ads. So in the beauty world, skin world, everything, influencers now are not allowed to use filters that will
actually mislead you into thinking the result is better. And I think that this is absolutely one hundred percent something that should be brought in worldwide, because it's pretty easy to put a photo up that's like, look how bad my skin was, and then throw a Paris filter on it be like, look how good it is now. I think that this is a really really good law to be brought in, and if influencers are found to be using these filters that are completely changing their face and
their look. The influencer and the brand has repercussions. They both can be reprimanded, they can be taken off Instagram or other social media's and they can be fined. So I think that this is really interesting.
So when you say they can be taken off social media, does does that mean that actually Instagram is endorsing of this as well or is it a government endorsement.
So this decision was made by the Advertising Standard Authority, which is the ASA. It applies to all brands, influencers and celebrities based in the UK. So the UK's Advertising regulatory recently announced a watershed ruling against Instagram influencers that use image altering filters while being paid to promote beauty products.
So Britain's Advertising Standard Authority determined that social media adverts containing filters that could exaggerate the results of the product being marketed to the audience were misleading and that brands and influencers found in breach of this ruling moving forward would be removed and see both parties reprimanded. So I'm going to a sh there is a fine or a longer term ben but they can both be removed. So I think this is a really huge move.
It kills me when I see influencers who I've met in real life and then I see I know, you don't look like it or like it's almost shocking sometimes like you see them in real life and you're like, wow, you do not look like you look online. And so to be spooking products where you're claiming that it can do something that you don't even have yourself is really really unconscionable, and I'm so all for that. Like we said at the very beginning, I think that this is
a place that needs to be more heavily regulated. For example, we all came out of this wave of skinny me tea, Like how fucked was that? Drink skinny tea and you'll have diarrhea and then be skinny.
Of course, it's drink water and not eat food and you'll be skinny of dose. So I also understand why there's so many medical professionals who when they hear these new regulations and rules come out, they're like yes, because the only people who are supposed to be giving health advice are people who are actually skilled in it. I feel like these laws come out in the UK and
America first and they make their way to Australia. So I don't think this is too far off for this banning of filters for especially after this law with banning sunscreen and medical skincare. I think really soon Australia is going to see the ban of filters for any beauty products. I'm very welcoming of that.
Well.
I also think it makes sense, but I think it makes sense across like all media platforms. How crap is it that you can open up a magazine and you can see somebody promoting a skincare product, but that person in the picture has been photoshopped. It works in all types of media. I think we can be particularly critical of social media and of influencers, but I also think that this plays out across a huge variety of different
advertising platforms. It's not just something that's solely problematic on social media.
Another interesting aspect to this is around media literacy and where where does the blame lie and the responsibility completely lie. And now I understand we can say advertiser shouldn't be able to do this. I understand we can say that influencers should know better. There has to be a level of responsibility on the consumer to a point where you can make an educated decision yourself and say, I actually
don't believe that that doesn't look right. We do have to be able to self educate to a point, and it's just an interesting discussion on how much responsibility does lie on us to sort of educate ourselves around a product.
I agree that in some way and to some level where like, oh, we need to be responsible for what we consume, whether it be on social media, on TV, or wherever. But the other part of this is that there's children who are consuming this. There are so many kids that are on social media, and they're the ones that are easily misled. And like, I don't expect a twelve year old or a thirteen year old or a
fourteen year old to have media literacy. I don't expect them to understand that what that influence is saying, they've actually been paid for them to be saying what they're saying. So that's why I think like ads need to have a higher level of transparency. I'm glad that they brought in the whole rules around like paid partnership, hashtag, add all that sort of stuff. I hope that they bring in rules and legislation around using filters to mislead your audience.
But I also think like we could also work towards having some sort of influencer governing body that actually works towards upskilling influences, teaching them how to make better ads, teaching them how to be more responsible in the advice that they're giving. So it's not just these you know, seventeen, eighteen, nineteen, young twenty year old girls who are out there trying to make a business but also don't really understand the ethics behind the business that they're running.
Because I know at university, and you'll remember as well, at university, you are taught these things. You are taught how to receive information and interpret information and what you do with that information. So we are taught these things. Maybe it needs to be something that we're taught because the world is changing from when we were young to
now social media is everywhere. Maybe it's something we need to look at teaching in high school now about how to consume information, how to ask questions, and how to do your own research. Maybe that is something, unfortunately we have to bring in to the younger generation because, like you said, you cannot expect a young child eight to fifteen to self moderate to self moderate. No, Sure, they have the ability one hundred percent. They're doing it every
day without knowing. They receive information every single day and they decide what to do with that. We're just start pushing for them to be able to do that online. And maybe that is a whole new conversation that the world needs to have.
Yeah, I totally agree. And then there's a whole other one that comes into it, like does that happen at home or does it happen in school? Or like how long we can talk about it? And I know that there's probably school teachers who are listening to this who are like, please, don't give us any more things to try and teach your children in school. Like the world is rapidly changing, and I'm glad that the legislation is
catching up with social media. However, I do think that we have this very warped set of standards between what's okay in like print magazine versus what's okay on a social media platform.
It also opens up one more can of worms, and that is and then's something that we've said many a time, that is the whole idea that this online world that so many people strive for can be taken away in a heartbeat. If your whole income, your job is purely on social media, this is a pretty volatile world that can change overnight, and we have just that. So for anyone that just had huge ambassadorships in skin care, medical skincare, proteins.
Protein, all these supplements, yeah, we.
Haven't even mentioned that, the proteins and the fitness people and like, I love a protein powder. But people that are purely based on that, they have just lost a huge amount of their income, and I imagine that would be worrying. This is volatile, these could be taken away at any point, So it's just food for thought.
Like young influencers truly are a business. They're their own business, but no one's teaching them the right way or the consionable way to go about doing that business. And so when I said before that you've got sixteen, seventeen, twenty year olds running these businesses. You know they've got big brands coming to them saying, hey, I'll pay you three
thousand dollars to post a photo. They're not and they haven't been given the skill set to understand necessarily or to work through why it's so important and what can be the ramifications of not being transparent and authentic. I do think that with like big profiles, there's a huge responsibility that comes with it. But I think that it's an ever evolving space and it's a really interesting space.
But I still think that influencers should be able to promote sunscreen because I want everyone wearing it.
I think anyone should be able to promote sunscreen. Anyway, let's move on saying a little bit more fun and that is accidentally unfiltered slash confessional.
I have a confessional today, and I love this one because this is an urban legend come real life.
Okay, someone in this room, Laura Delilah or Keisha has just farted.
What fuck, it's not me, Keisha. Keisha's literally sitting on the dog bed. Though in the house, we're sitting in what is like the spare room that's been set up as a studio room. We're really moving up in the world, guys. But instead of Keisha's sitting on the couch, she's sitting in the dog bed. I've just realized, yeah, on the dog mat, and the dog is not on the dog Matt.
Anyways, move on. You've got a confessional? Is it that you just fighted?
No confessional? This is like, this is the stuff of urban legends, but this one really happened.
Okay, I'll be the judge of that.
I found out my boyfriend was cheating on me, not just once, but not an urban legend, had a full on other relationship with this chick. We were living in a sharehouse with his best mates at the time, so I felt incredibly betrayed, as there is no way that they all didn't know what he was doing and what was going on behind my back. I ended up moving out almost immediately, but all my stuff was still at his house. So this one day I arranged to go
to the house to get my staff. I organized a time when I knew all the boys would be out of the house because I still had my spare set of keys. I said I didn't want to face them and I didn't want to see him. I brought my best friend, however, and a five hundred grand bag of uncooked prawns and two knitting needles. I then proceeded to stuff uncooked prawns into the curtain rods in all the bedrooms.
And the lounge room.
I used the knitting needles to shove it as far down as I possibly could. Turns out that the boys ended up moving out of the house three months later because they thought that a possum had died in the walls and the whole place stuck like shit.
That is a brilliant what a mastermind?
That is like that's messed up. And that's what I mean by this is an urban legend because I have heard something similar to this in like the Winds. But to actually go and physically do it, you are an evil gean.
I think it's brilliant and they deserved it. But I would never think. I mean A, I would never think to do that myself. B If there was a smell in my house, I would never think to look in the curtain rods. I was it must be a prawn in the curtain road.
You never would, and you would clean everything out of the house and you would still be like, where is it coming from? And the fact that you did it in multiple rooms. I've got a few feelings about this because let's just also reflect on the fact that this was a rental property, and so the people who own this property are like one of my house stink about What.
About the people that just moved in, Well, make it.
We would have to burn it down, start again, rip the covers out, like that stuff is going to get into the walls people.
Yeah, that's true. That's funny for hot second, but not for moving on in the future. If I owned a house and someone in that house did that to me, I would be robal because at the end of the day, that's your business. Now there's a stinky prowl hid somewhere, you.
Would also assume it was a possum in the wall and pay someone a lot of money to come out and find it. They need like a metal detector, but like a smell detector for real bad things.
Is that anything?
I don't know, But surely this happens. Surely this legitimate happens where something dies in a roof or dies in a wall and then you can never find it.
For sure. But there would be a big difference between like a possum behind a cement wall and prawns in your above your bed too, because my bed's under a curtain rod.
Could you okay, well you were absolved of your sins. I don't know.
Actually I'm not you can absolve. I'm not absolving. That's cooked, that's raw.
Get it.
That was so fucking bad. It was so bad, it was great. O can't give me a confessional. Wait if you've got a confessional or an accent?
Yeah, I mean it came as an accident, unfiltered, but it's a confessional, all right, hear me. I feel like this is something you would do, probably petty, because I'm petty af That's why. No, this is not about being petty. Super duper are super dupid dupid duper anonymous message?
Please?
That's literally the opening line. But I feel like you'll laugh. You were the only people I think I will ever tell and all of Australia because it's so mortifying. A few months ago, my toddler was having a nap of their life in the car. They're one of those kids that when they're asleep you need to leave or that all important ninety minute nap will be a ten minute nap and that will be it for the rest of the day. Now I feel like you can relate.
I can't transfer them.
You can't transfer.
It's a real problem.
So I sat in the car being good mum and letting my darling child sleep. I'd been running around all day and hadn't had a moment to even think about going to the bathroom. Suddenly I had a terrible feeling. I really needed to pooh, oh no, but I didn't want to wake my child.
Oh no.
I waited and I waited and I waited, and of course she kept sleeping and sleeping, and after thirty minutes I couldn't wait any longer. I waited up. Do I wake my child up and they be the devil for the rest of the day, or do I find somewhere to poop you wake them up now? I? Or she did not? She did not wake them now. I lived in an apartment, so we were in an underground car park. It was dark and no one was around, and I remembered I'd left a plastic b in the nappy bag.
So I got up, pulled my bag out, sat next to the car, pulled my jeans down, and did hope in a plastic bag wow, rather than wake now, she must have a devil child. If you are going to poop in your garage at risk of any someone walking in see you, rather than get your child out of the car, you have a devil child.
I think it's a real low point when you're taking a poop bag to a beIN it's your own like, that's real.
I mean I've done that in the past. I did that when I was like twenty one and I had to live a parasite in Europe.
Oh dick God. Anyway, guys, on that note, thank you to everyone who's written in acil unfilters and confessionals. I think we need some more confessionals. I think we need some more like I, what have you done that you just wanted to go to the grave with? But instead you tell Britain myself?
Maybe, Laura, maybe you and I need to come up with a confessional. Maybe we need to put a couple in and people can get Shosi sho's.
I have some pretty cook things that I've done. Maybe I'll just lie to you.
Actually, I'd rather rely on yours and minnarrow.
Alright, guys, let's get into the chat with Becky around intentional celibacy. You might remember a couple of weeks ago when we spoke about celibacy, Lo, what effect does it have on your relationships? What effect does it have on you as a person? And we did a little call out. We asked if there was anyone from the community who had actually spent some time where they had consciously gone
and abstained from sex. And we received so many people who messaged us and said they're unique and different stories around why they chose celibacy. And when do we say this, I mean not in like a religious sense, not because it was something that from their own ethics or belief systems that they felt that they needed to abide by. But it was just a conscious decision, you know, being your twenties or in your thirties and going cool, I'm gonna just have some time away from having sex. And
we had somebody slide into the DMS. We have Becky here to talk to us about her story because it was so unique and it stood out so much to Britain. I around how and why Becky decided to have a stint of abstaining from sex. Becky, Welcome to.
Life on card, Hi cal thanks for having me, Becky.
I read your little DM slide in and I called the girls and I was like, I don't know what we're going to do with this, but we need to talk to this girl. I was like, this is so interesting and there are so many layers to your story. It's not just oh, I didn't have sex. I want to read out your Instagram DM, but I thought, you know what, it's better if I just let you tell your story. So let's start from the very beginning. Give
us a bit about you. How old are you and what relationship were you in when you decided, fuck, I have had enough of this.
So I am thirty one years old, I'm a midwife, and I was in it just a shit, a shit, toxic, gross relationship on and off like two and a half years, and it just was such a waste of my time. But I still got out of it and was, you know, just devastated as you are from these kind of toxic shit relationships. And I just realized how much time I'd wasted, how much validation I seekd from this one person, and
I decided, no, that's enough. I can't. I need to heal myself, and in order to do that, I can't use sex and relationships as a distraction anymore.
What was so toxic about the relationship, If you don't mind me asking in terms of was it just that you were two people that were wrong for each other? Did you fight a lot? Was their cheating, was it abusive? Like what level are we talking so we can get our head around why you ran the other direction.
From sex totally. So it was toxic in all of those senses. Basically, we're really we'll just treat people that were really bad for each other. We had absolutely nothing in common. He wasn't very nice to me, he didn't treat me very well, and yeah it was pretty he was pretty manipulative, and yeah, it was just it was just shit. It was just bad.
What was I think this is a very personal question, but like how important was sex in your relationship with him? Like was that like something like you guys had a healthy sex life. Would you say up until that point that like sex was something that was high on your priority list.
Sounds like it's the only thing they had in common.
Total one hundred percent, which I.
Think that is common as well, Becky. I think a lot of people stay in relationships. I know in the past, like I've definitely dated people too long purely because I was like, we have a lot of chemistry, we have great sex. I'm gonna just like hold on to this one knowing it's not going anywhere. And I think a lot of people are in the same boat.
Totally. Look, the sex wasn't necessarily the best sex of my life. I'm not gonna lie.
I hope he's listening to this, but.
There's something about that toxicity and the breakup sex and the makeup sex, and he was kind of just a shit boyfriend. So the only time I felt close to him was when we were having sex. So I really kind of, you know, that's something that I craved and that I saw out and I wanted to do all the time. If he wasn't having sex with me, he didn't love me, which you know, we didn't want me anyway, so it didn't really fuck it matter whether or not. Else.
Totally hit the nail on the head with that. There's something that's so like it really binds you to someone because it's volatility that can come with these toxic relationships and the physical side of it really kind of just like that's where you get your affirmation from. If they're not giving you verbal affirmation or anything else, that can
be where you seek. And I think that you can then almost have patent behavior where okay, cool, that relationship has broken down, but then you can kind of go and seek that in your next relationship as well. So after your breakup, how long was it that you were like, Okay, I'm going to just not have any sex at all.
So I decided after the breakup. But once i'd done like a bit of healing, like a lot of it, I think to begin with was a lot of self preservation, I was like, nah, I need to take a step back, I need to heal, I need to sort my shit out, because I was a bit of a mess at the end. And then I decided I'm going to be celibate for a year, like no sex, and it had to be an emotional celibacy too, So I wasn't talking to anyone, I wasn't on dating sites, I wasn't having any kind
of emotional connection like relationship wise with anybody. So it was an emotional celibacy and a sexual celibacy. And I decided, yes, it's going to be a year and I'll see how I go. And I thought after a year that I'd be like, hang in for it then and the year passed, and I mean, I guess we'll get into that more later. But it was one of the best years of my life. And then I went another year, so I ended up two years.
Thol, But why was it one of the best years of your life.
So I'd always been like a super super sexual person, Like even going back to when I was a kid, I was like a sexual kid. I was like humping furniture. I was always really I'm not getting I was always really fucking into sex.
Even you've actually felt like you felt horny younger than you think other people did.
Totally super super young.
That is so interesting.
I was like sex obsessed. So when I started having sex, it was so fun, it was so freeing, it felt so good. I was so in control. It was the best thing ever. And then I started getting into relationships and falling in love and seeing what sex could be like from this safe, like loving, beautiful place, and that
was fantastic. And then I got into this shit relationship where I was just like completely like bought down and just treated badly, and the sex became so toxic and so gross, and it was just like I wanted to wash it. I just want to like wash it off me. So in contrast to that, not having sex for so long it just made me realize that I'd been using sex and relationships as it just complete distraction to figure out what I kind of needed to figure out in my life. So that first year it was like I
had so much clarity. There was no background noise. I wasn't thinking about anyone. I wasn't thinking about is he going to text me? Or like, you know, when we fucked the other night, I did he like, I didn't care. I just had this clear mind where I could focus on myself and I've never done that before, and it just made me really realize how many of us in retrospect had been using sex and relationships as such a distraction for the deeper stuff. So that first year was
really like gritty. I did a lot of digging. I went to therapy, you know, I bought an apartment. I lived by myself for the first time ever. There was just so much that I did and it was so hard, but it was so so great.
Going back a second to something that you just said, where I find this really interesting that you wanted to do just not like a physical celibacy, but you want to do an emotional celibacy too. I find that and I hadn't really and literally until you saw this right now,
I hadn't really thought about it before. But it is so draining when you are in like even if you weren't having sex when you're in an emotional relationship, or not even in a relationship, like you just said those early days of I've gone on a date, or is he going to text me? Did I do this wrong? What should I write to him right now? Just all those stupid little things. I think there is one hundred percent something to be said for just cutting both off.
Were you one hundred percent? Did you set yourself the date of one year and say that, like, nothing's going to get in my way? But in that year, were there times where you wanted to or were you were close to or you thought, fuck, let me just go and have a one light stand. Was there any sort of temptation in that year?
No, there wasn't. There really wasn't, and I thought there would be. I was like, this is going to be hard for me and my friends. I was like, you know, I told them I was going to be celibate for the year, and they all had bets on like when I was going to have sex again, and it was like it was like the next week, They're like, all right, you're not going to last that long. But I wasn't
tempted at all. Like I'd go out with my girlfriends on a night out and it was really nice because I was just there with my girlfriends, like I was just there to have fun with them. I wasn't looking around. I stopped dressing for the male gaze. I stopped presenting myself in a way that you know that I thought would even be like, because I just didn't care, you know, instead of like going out and getting dressed up and like looking to fuck. It just wasn't even on my
gender at all. And I wasn't tempted. I didn't meet anybody that I was interested in. I wasn't looking like I had a fuck off sign on my.
Back literally all metaphorically, that would have been funny if I saw you on the dance floor, the fuck.
And I think that the longer you go without sex as well, and the longer you go without relation, you know, whatever it is, whether it's like a situationship or like you know, talking to someone or fucking somebody, the longer you go without it, the more your self worth really starts to grow. So all of a sudden, people that I might have gone home with before, I was like, no, like, you're not good enough to go in me, I'm not into it.
You're you are not the man that I'm going to bring this drout for.
That's for sure.
You were not good enough to go. I feel like that needs to be a bumper sticker.
Yes, that's that's our next merge, that's our slogan. First. I think that's so many people. When we think about when you're in that dating phase, we have this scarcity mindset where we think we're going to miss out. We think we're gonna like, you know, we're not gonna not even just fomo, but not miss out on like the dating, but just miss out on finding someone who we're going
to have a long term relationship, like wasting time. This is a question that we get over and over again from women who are in their twenties or in their thirties who see everybody else settling down, getting in relationships, and they're like, in their mind, they're like, well, fuck, what if I miss out on that? You know what
if no one ever loves me? Did you ever have a moment where you were like in that year thinking, oh, well, I'm consciously taking a year out of my life from where I'm going to find someone or had you really come to peace and were you like, no, do you know what? There are much other, bigger and more important things than just being in a relationship.
Totally, it was a bit of both, Like it wasn't always easy, Like I've been single before, but I've never truly been alone, and this was about truly being alone. So there were times when friends were getting into relationships and people getting married. I was like, fucking well, I ever meet someone especially hot? My standards are so high, Probably fucking not. So I was really, you know, I thought about it a lot.
Well, maybe if you take the sign off your back back, like I love this, I love this conversation. I love like, you know, the energy that you're putting out into the world, because I do think for so many people, and I know that I've been there personally, I lowered my standards just because I didn't think I would meet somebody. I
didn't want to be alone. So instead of going out there and trying to reassess and readjust and work with myself, I was like, well, the standards just lowered down, and like my boundaries lowered down, and what I would accept in a relationship was lowered down because I was so find about being on my own.
Absolutely, yeah, I.
Did this right, but I didn't know that I was doing it. I just didn't have sex for a long time because I was just not in a good place. I didn't want to meet anyone. People disgusted me, and I was so okay with it. But I didn't really realize until my friends and I were like talking about it one day, when was the last time you had sex? And I was like, let me think about this, and I was like, holy shit, it's what will you been
like ten months now. I know that that's not a long time, but it's a pretty long time for like a young single woman. But the thing with me was it wasn't intentional. I didn't actually know I was doing it. I didn't put it out to the world. It just happened and it was so fine. I felt really good. I was in a good place in my life in terms of work and what I was doing, and I've never gone that long again. But I can appreciate why.
You did it totally well. I was just going to quickly go back to what Laura said about kind of lowering standards, and that was something that I was really conscious of that I had been in this relationship with this person that was very much not on my level. And I kind of thought, what made me get into that relationship with that person that I have nothing in common with, that is kind of a piece of shit that he's going nowhere? What about me thought that that
was a good thing for me? What made me think that I wasn't good enough to be better than that? So that was a really conscious thing as well, that this year, I need to build myself up. I need to make myself you know, a better person for me so that when I do get into a relationship, And
that was never the point. It was never the point to get into relationship after the year, but it was definitely part of being a better person, having a self validation, you know, feeling good about myself again so that if I did meet somebody, well, I'd be the best, but you know, version of myself.
For somebody who's listening to this, who's maybe come out of a bad breakup or can identify with the situation that you've been through and kind of sees themselves in that. When we had the conversation about celibacy on the podcast earlier, we sort of spoke about it more so around physical celibacy, and we only just touched on the emotional side. But why do you think it's so important that from a healing perspective, the emotional celibacy and the physical celibacy go hand in hand.
So I think that the physical celibacy, I mean, you sleep with somebody and they can make you feel really good about yourself in the moment, like you're having a good time, But then it's what comes emotionally, like does he text you afterwards? Is he taking you out on dates? Is he treating you well? Sometimes we get that sexual validation and sometimes that's a really good thing, and that can be really fun. And if that's all you need, then that's fantastic. And no shade to anyone that's having
you know, like, good for you. I've had so many one nightstands, I had so much fun. That's great. But for me, it just wasn't about that. It was about what comes after and what for me I kind of I needed to work on so that for what came after, I didn't care about it anymore. Whereas you know, in this previous relationship, it was something that I braved so much from him. I needed that validation and that love from him after the sex?
Did you kiss anyone at all? Like, did you have any physical contact at that time? Nope, you didn't. So for two years you didn't even kiss anyone nothing. She takes the assignment seriously, Brittany. Yeah, you've read the brief and you delivered big time. Okay, so you've done this two years. Well, you know, you started off as one year and eventuated to two years. What was the moment what happened? If your life was moving in a direction
that you wanted. You were happy mentally, emotionally, physically, you were on your own, you were doing everything you wanted to do, what was the moment where you're like, cool, I've made it. I've reached the point I want to fuck.
So it kind of came up to the back end of the two years. I kind of reached the two years and I was like, all right, well, like what next. I got to get on the horse, and I felt
like I was ready. There was just something that swept over me, not suddenly, but kind of overtime where I was kind of like looking and thinking like I need to start dating again, or like at least need to have a fuck, Like I need to need to get it out of the way, so it just slowly happened that I just reached a point where I was ready.
Did you masturbate it all over the time, Like was there any self pleasure or did you withhold from that everything?
Yeah, of course masturbated constantly, but I did I didn't. I did go on a porn band, so I didn't watch porn for two years because I felt like I was really relyant on porn, like I'd always just use porn to get off. And I didn't use a vibrator for two years.
Wow, So you've really had rules for.
Yourself, total total rules. There was so much that I wanted to work on, like going back to, you know, sex when I was younger, and like my obsession with sex when I was younger. I think it got like an unhealthy place where like I would only be able to come if I was watching porn. I probably hadn't come without a vibrator for like years and years, So I was like, all right, I need to need to cut this out too. I think it's not going to hurt, so I just cut it.
I find it interesting because we've talked about porn obsession, Laura and I by it before we're like, let's do an episode on porn addiction and sex addiction and those kind of things. So when I hear someone say, you know, I was pretty much digted to porn, I just find it and someone that's my age and a woman, I find it really fascinating.
Yeah, And I think that that's the key differentiator. I think that in society, we're okay with men watching porn, and we think that's acceptable and that's normalized that men watch porn, But it's still a bit like unusual maybe is the right word to use, like unusual when a woman does it, but so many women do, they just don't talk about it because there's a little bit more of tab a stigma around women watching porn, especially women
watching porn on their own, not with their partner. Now, the reason why we wanted to speak to you not just because you have such an interesting and long stint of celibacy, but because you have a pretty spectacular way in which you decided to break the drought, came Maki sang, Yeah, yeah, the girl's on fire. Can you talk us through when you did get to this point where you were like, all right, cool, I want to get back out there into the world of sex? How did you do it?
How do you pick your prize?
So basically, I well, I went to a sex party. Let's just put that out there. I went to a sex party and I had group sex in order to basically lose my to year virginity.
So Tinder just wasn't going to do it for you were like, this is a baptism of fire. You're like, I want to I want the more the merrier. I want a group.
Yeah, a big, big party.
Don't do things by heart?
Yeah, go hard or go home? How did you good one, Laura? How did you find this sex?
Like?
What made you decide on a sex party?
It wasn't something that I was like, Okay, I'm going to go to a sex party and this is what I'm going to do. It literally fell from the universe. I think the universe was like this girl needs to catch a dick. So I got this message from this.
There are so many bumper stickers in this episode. I don't know which one I love more.
So I got this text message from this guy that I hadn't heard from for ages. We went to like high school parties to that we had each other on Facebook. He messaged me He's like, listen, I know you've always been like a really sexually out there person because you know, going back to my young years, I definitely was I'm married, but i am polyamorous, and I'm part of this community. I wondered if you wanted to come to an event with me. So this came out of nowhere straight away.
I was like, all right, cool. So we messaged back and forth and then there was an event happening, and basically it was just like at a bar. It was like a high venue at a bar that was organized by this girl and her partner. And so you go to the bar, you pay, there's like an entry, you pay, there's no sex on premises. This is like purely just like a party, and it's people in the community. So it's a polyamorous community. A lot of people are partnered up,
a lot of people are married. There's also single people there, not as many single guys, but they definitely want single girls. So I was there with two of my best friends. We basically just rocked up. We paid our fifty bucks to get him, and it was just a really fun night. And so we got to know all these different people and we met the girl that ran the events and ran the sex parties, and you need to meet her.
She I guess she needs to scuss that if you're attractive and you know, clean and just you know, a normal person there for the right reasons. And so we met her and she invited us to one of her sex parties, maybe three or so weeks later.
So this night where you go to the bar and meet people, is the idea that at the end of the night people go home together, or is there a venue later somewhere else that the sex can happen or group sex can happen, or is it just like this is our initial meeting and in two weeks we have a sex party. If you want to come, you come, correct.
So I don't know people went home together. They very well could have. I don't know they could have gone home together after that, but it's really saved for the sex party. People like to be there, they like to be all together, they like having group sex, they like watching group sex. So I think it's more about the party.
So told me through a little bit about this, like was it overwhelming or was it nerve wracking walking into a situation where you've abstained from sex for two years and then you're literally surrounded by it in the most ho like uninhibited way possible.
Totally. I didn't know what I was walking into, but they were all really nice people. It was a really safe environment, and I felt before I went, I gave myself like a bit of a pep talk and I'm like, listen, you gotta do this, girl. And I wasn't going to force it. If there was nobody that I was into, obviously, I wasn't going to force it. But I fake tan my titties. I was ready to go.
Justy boobs or the rest of body as well. Walking I just really wanted to highlight these bad boys.
You know when you go out and you just leave, you leave like the white bit like here and like here, Nah, I fake tan my tits. I was ready. So we rocked up at the house and with two of my best friends. We rocked up at the house and it was very chill. I was expecting like a gimp masks and like people pegging each other in the corner, but it was not the case. It was like a cocktail event. There were like drinks and nibbles and people like standing around having conversation.
I mean, that was just that was the full play, and so.
I met up with the guy that I knew and I was like, all right, well when people are going to start fucking, and he's like at nine pm, So we kind of waited around for nine pm, and then the girl that hosts the event basically like stood up on a chair and told us that from now we could take our clothes off and we could start engaging insects. So there were lots of rules, lots of talk about consent, enthusiastic consent and maybe isn't a yes, you know, there
was all of that was spoken about. Safe sex was a muss, So there was condoms everywhere. No anal sex, probably just because of cleanup. So it was her, well I'm guessing it was her. I mean, I know it was her place. She had like a three bedroom little
little house. One of the bedrooms was locked off, you couldn't go in there, but the other two bedrooms were basically just mattresses on the floor and like lots of little three pillows and blankets around, and then there were like couches that you could have sex on as well.
So how many people do you think were there in total?
I think probably like a good forty people.
That's a lot of people in a confined in like a two bedroom.
Yeah, it felt pretty crowded in like a small place. So I reckon like a good forty people.
And so was there somebody or multiple people on the initial meet up night at the bar that you had your eye on and you thought, I'm actually interested in them? Like, did you go in knowing what Pe and I you were going for?
Not at all? Not at all. So I met some really nice people at the event that weren't there at the party. But then there was a couple that I spoke to quite a bit and they were the couple that I ended up having sex with.
And going to this party. So you said you arrived with your friends, Like, how was that conversation and how did that go down? I mean, you know, I think like a lot of us have pretty open relationships and conversations with our friends, but having conversations around sex and being open in that regards is probably something that's unfamiliar to a lot of people. What sort of relationship do
you have with your girlfriends? For that too, have been something that was like cool, we're going to do this together.
Are you trying to ask me Laura, and you want to know how to do it exactly.
So it was never it was never an issue for us in our friendship group were very very open, Like my best friend has literally pulled out a used condom out of me because I thought my cervix was coming out and she yanked it out and it was literally a condom from tee days ago. So it wasn't an It just wasn't an issue.
It's like a scene out of Sex in the City.
It was like life. I thought my cervix was falling and she just gave it a yank. But no, it was It was never an issue. It was always an open conversation. She was so excited to be there. She didn't necessarily want to have sex with anybody. She was just kind of there to see if she was interested, but she was. It was very much there to support me as well.
I love that you thought and she thought it was your cervix and you both still trying to pull it out, like you probably shouldn't try to pull me your cervixt like just a cervix prolaps.
So when you got there and all this was going down, they've had they've had the initial like instructions around how the night will unfold. How did you meet this couple. Did you have a conversation with them first? Were you just drawn into a room, like talk to me about how you went from standing around having nibbles and cannapas to having sex with a married couple.
So basically, a lot of people started to undress. A lot of people walking around naked or just with like a bra, and so I was just in like a bra and undies and like knee high boots. I was looking like a snack and I was really feeling myself and I was just kind of walking like just just walking around like doing a like trying to talk to different people. It was very social. Everyone was there to like have a chat and get to know you. And then I spoke originally to the girl of the couple,
so it was male and female couple. I spoke originally to the girl. She was really lovely. We had a really great conversation. Her boyfriend at the time was actually on the couch getting his dick sucked, because she was like, oh, that's my boyfriend, and I was like, oh, okay, by another girl, and so yes, I met her first and
then we had a really good chat. And then later in the night I spoke to the two of them together and it was just kind of small talk and they were like, oh, you know, Becky, are you here to like to have sex with anyone? And I was like, yeah, maybe I am really interested. I just you know, don't know. I'm just a bit nervous and I don't know who. And they were like, would you like to come to one of the rooms with us? It was really simple, and I was just like yes, and they were like
are you sure? And I was like yes, and so that was it.
And then how okay, I'm sorry, we are so invested in this story because we have never gone to a sex party. So I'm literally in this room with you, like I am sitting I am was that guy in the couch for a hole. Second, When you walk into the room with a couple, who initiates that? And how do you know who to go and kiss first and start to have sex first? Do you go to the guy first? Does he come to you? Does she come to you?
Yeah? So basically she led me by the hand down the hallway to the first room. There was already people say, there was mattresses all over the floor, there were already people having sex. There were maybe four people like engaged in group sex. And before they entered the room, they said, is it okay if we joined? So everything is very You don't just jump next to someone and stuff fucking next to them. You're like, is it okay if there's
somebody standing at the door watching you having a wank? Like, they have to ask before they do that. So we asked if we could go into the space. We asked if we could go into the room, and then she really led me, so she was the first one to start kissing me, and then he was kind of watching. So that's how it begun.
Up until this point. Had you ever had an experience with her with a woman before?
Yeah? I have. I have. So I had been in a relationship. I slept with like a couple of girls before, and I've been in a relationship with a woman for six years. And then we broke up and it was very We just kind of became friends, and I was like, fuck, I'm not attracted to women anymore. That's why it ended, and so I very much went back to dating men, and I think that's probably why none of my relationships with men worked out in the end, but no, I have I have been with women before.
And then okay, so you're making out with the girl, then you start obviously hooking up with the husband and does the wife just watch on?
Yeah? Yeah, So there was lots of all of us together. It was very much all about me, like I felt I was literally the guest. I felt really good. There was lots of compliments like you know when, oh, can I and lots of asking can I take off your top? Is it okay if I take off your bra I took off my undies and the guy was like, You've got the best box I've ever seen, and straight away I was like, oh my god. Yeah, so lots of
confluence and you just feel so good. No one's called it a box before, but anyway, you just feel so You just feel so good and everything's very very consensual. You feel very in control. So they ask you, is there anything you like? I was like, yeah, like being Spanish, like you can try that out, and you know, is there anything you don't like? He asked to begin with,
is there anything you don't want to do? And I basically said, yeah, I don't really want to put your dick in my mouth, and he was like, all right, so there was kind of nothing off limits. You know, they were really happy to engage in anything. But if I didn't want to do anything, then that was totally fine too.
So in terms of their relationship. And maybe you don't have this insight, but I guess we've spoken to some couples before who have had polyamorous or open relationships. Was it obvious to you that they had any rules at all between them or was it kind of a bit of a free for all in that terms.
I think it was totally a free for all, to be honest. So everything that he did to her, he did to me. Like he went down to me, she'd be going down to me while he was fucking me from behind, Like it kind of just seems like there was really nothing off limits. We were kissing. We also were kissing the mouth, which I thought, maybe they won't want to do that. I don't know, is that too intimate?
And the sex with the guy felt like quite intimate, like how he was touching me and like getting really close to me, And I was like, I don't know. I guess for her that was fine. For me, that felt like a bit too intimate for the setting that I was in and from what I wanted from it, But for them, I guess it's something that they're okay with.
So how did you feel when you left? You've broken the cycle, it's been two long years, You've just had group sex in front of a lot of people. How did you walk away from that feeling?
I felt good. I felt really really good. I felt really empowered. So basically it ended because she kind of jumped into the next group, so as like a group next to us having sex, and she kind of went and joined them, and so I was left fucking the guy and I was kind of like, h okay, like I've kind of had enough now, Like once she was gone, I kind of wasn't into it anymore. So I was like, oh, I've had enough, and he was like, oh okay, and so I just jumped off.
Yeah, thanks, thanks, I'm done by I've gotten what I came here for.
I've been three year celibate. I make the rules. I was like, I had enough. So I just kind of got off and was and I said thank you. I was like, listen, this was an amazing experience. Thank you so much. They also knew that I hadn't had sex for two years. So they were like, yeah, good on you. And then I kind of interrupted the girl as she was fucking this other guy next to us, just to say thank you to her. I was like, thank you so much, and that was it.
She's been pounded.
She's like exactly, and that was it. And then I left. I literally grabbed my girlfriends and I'm like let's go, and I like put a coat on and we went home and I felt like a million bucks. It was great.
So this experience, did you ever see or like, what was the follow up with this couple? Do you keep in contact? Do you have a conversation with them afterwards?
Just line into their Instagram DM?
Nothing. I don't have them on Instagram. I don't have them on Facebook. So it's really I don't even know their last name. I know their first names. That's it.
What an amazing experience. We've spoken to a couple of people who have been to sex parties and like, it's the unknown. It's this experience that so many of our listeners are interested in and like want to be a fly on the wall, but have never experienced it themselves. Now, coming out of this and coming out of breaking the celibacy draft, emotionally and also physically. What impact did that have on you? How did that change you as a person when you look back on those two years.
It changed everything. It gave me so much. It gave me, you know, so much self love, so much self worth. I did so much growth. And I think a lot of people can do that, you know, having sex and being in relationships and that's okay, and that's great, But for me, I needed to completely be alone to do the work. It also showed me that I can be alone, and that's okay. I think is society has this choke hold on us as women that we're just treading water
until we find somebody to love us. And it's really sad and I think there's so much work to do there. But for me, it changed the whole Like not to be dramatic, but it honestly changed the whole trajectory of my life. And I'm so grateful I did it.
So what age were you, Becky? What were the two years?
So I had gotten out of the relationship when I was twenty seven and I was celibate until I was twenty nine, Okay.
So happy thirty and okay, And did you a lot of people say that there is this insane level of clarity that they feel in their brain or their brain, their mind, their body. But did you feel that? Did you just feel like everything you looked at the world differently and everything was so clear?
Absolutely? Absolutely, everything was so clear. There was no background noise, there were no distractions. I just felt so so kind of centered in what I was doing and what I wanted to become and what I wanted to do. So yeah, there was absolute just clarity and clearness there for sure.
Can I ask, as well, like, what impact now, now that it's been some use moving on, since you've had this experience, what impact has it had on your relationships and on how you approach dating?
After the sex party, a couple of months after that, I was ready to date, Like I literally just did
it and I was ready to go. So I went and from that experience as well, you know, once I realized that I enjoyed my time with the girl so much more than the guy, I went on a lesbian dating app and I met my girlfriend who I've now been with for a couple of years, and we lived together and we're very very happy, and I honestly don't think I would have been the person that I am to her and in this relationship, if I hadn't done that work, I really just she's amazing. She brings so
much to the table. She's such a special person, and our relationship is so wonderful because I'm such a secure together. I've just got my shit sorted, and I think that's what I attracted from there. I attracted someone who was on the same level.
It's interesting that you from what you've said, obviously you've dated both men and women in the past, but going into that sex party and at that point of your life at twenty seven, you were convinced that it wasn't women you were attracted to anymore, it was men. That's why your relationship with a woman died down. You went into that sex party saying I'm into men, and you
left that sex part you thinking I'm into women. Do you actually think that that was a defining moment in your change of trajectory.
Yeah, it was the defining moment. If I got anything out of that other than just ripping the band aid off and finally getting a fuck from two years, it was that I realized that this is why things haven't worked out with men. This is why I seek toxic shit men because I'm not into them being in a relationship with them. It has to be toxic if I'm in a relationship with them, because otherwise I'm really not
that interested. Whereas I'm in this relationship with a woman and it's really sometimes it's really boring, and it's really comforting, and it's really wonderful and it's just the best thing ever, because well, you know, I like when she takes her clothes off, like she's she's a girl. That's what I'm into.
Yeah, Like, I just got a bit lost for a little while there.
Yeah, And why do you think that is? Why do you think you like, I mean, why do you think that you kind of got to a point where you were like, oh no, maybe it's men, Like what was it that kind of pushed you towards that at one point in your life?
So I think it was a lot of things. I think the first thing was at this relationship that I was with my ex girlfriend will together for six years and it just kind of died out and we stopped having sex, and I misinterpreted my lack of attraction for that particular relationship for what I was like forever, Oh, I don't want to have sex with her. Therefore I
don't want to have sex with another woman again. And it was also I think I've got a lot of internalized homophobia, which is really weird as a lesbian to say that I've got internalized homophobia, but I definitely do. I always pictured I grew up in a very traditional family.
I always pictured my life with a man. I always pictured getting married and having children, and everything was just so much harder as a lesbian, and that was something that maybe I wasn't ready to face yet, and maybe that was part of the work that I ended up doing.
I think it's also just a journey. That's what dating is, and that's what growing up is. It's a journey to find out who you are and what you like, and there's you know, it's a different road for a lot of people. For you, you took you a little bit longer, and you went around in circles, and you went around a few sex parties, but you got there in the end. Have you done a sex party again or would you and your partner be involved in that or are you very you very happy in your closed relationship?
No, so I didn't do it again. When I was single. Once I'd done it, I'd just done I got everything I needed out it, But I didn't need to do it again and make your friend. We would never she would literally rather die.
So honestly, thank you so much. Like we absolutely love speaking to people from our own community and being able to just have these conversations to share them with everybody else who's listening. Like, your story is so unique, and I love that you reached out. I love that you were so vulnerable and wanting to share it with us, And I just I can't thank you enough for coming and being a part of the podcast.
Thank you so much for having me. It was an absolute pleasure.
I'm literally so enthralled, and I have so many questions.
It's like these bombing stickers out girls, get the producer, get some of those.
We've seen the bugs coming that will be available online in six months.
Guys.
No, that was actually like I really really genuinely loved that chat, and I know there'll be so many people now that will get something from that. Whether that is people that want to go to a sex party you don't know how where that's people that are out of a toxic release, people wanting to just have some time alone, not have sex for a little while. I just think there's so much in that. So I really am genuinely so stoked you slid into our DMS.
Oh I'm so glad. Thank you.
I was like, I was gonna let you go, but I want to ask one more thing now, because the thing that I really take from this is like, for anybody who wants to take some time and be celibate but feels like they're going to miss out, you know,
it feels like they're going to be left behind. Did your friends or did anybody in your close network judge you for wanting to be like, you know what, I'm completely not going to have sex for a while, And like, once you got to the one point five year mark, was anybody in your friendship group a bit like press you? Was there any sort of judgment that came from people in your network?
I think to begin with, everybody kind of thought it was a bit of a joke. And then yeah, time went on and they realized I was taking it really seriously. People closest to me, I think, really understood and were really happy for me and really proud of me and you that I needed to do some work and that it was about time, and you know that were really
that were really supporting that. But then yeah, once it got probably past the one mark, I think some of my friends, maybe not to my face, but maybe they were just just some you know, kind discussions behind my back, like is this bitch I'm going to have sex? Guess you're gonna be alone forever? Like they were probably panicking, But no, honestly, it was support all around, and I feel really grateful for that.
Amazing Becky Thaki, thank you so much. I've loved chatting to today.
Thanks legend.
I have loved it too, Thank you so much. Girls.
This week, I think, for very obvious reasons, we are not going to do our suck because I think us suck is the same as firstly everyone in Australia that is experiencing the flooding, but secondly everybody in the world that is experiencing what is happening between Russia and Ukraine. So we are not doing a suck today. But I think we should end on a high, so we will do our suite. It's important to stay positive, So Laura, what is your suite?
My sweet for the week is that I finally got out my wedding invitations for round two ding Ding ding ding. Oh, I said, but you didn't even know that you got it.
I had to tell you to check your emails, and looking out three thousands already emails.
I love, love that we run a business together. How many of I got more? Let's trust trust. I sent out yesterday the invitations for our wedding, which means that it's absolutely definitely happening again. Things crossed. Nothing comes in the way it's happening.
I know we said we're not allowed to project, but I'm projecting your wedding will happen this year one hundred. I'm calling it now, I'm telling the universe.
And it was really nice. It's been one of those things that I've been putting off again, Like I think maybe I've had a bit of anxiety about planning it because it was canceled last year and everything was so up in the air. But like I finally feel really good about it now and like we've got most of the things in place and it is happening later this year.
You can't well, bloody wait, I am going to burn some holes in that deep floor.
We will no longer be living in sin put it that way, Mattie, Jay and me we tying the not.
My sweet is, my sister Sherry is getting married as well. She's actually getting married before you, Laura. Not to rub that in, but literally she's kidd every single person who got engaged after me is.
I see all these influences all the time. They're like, oh, getting married, going for my dress fitting. I'm like, you got engaged three months ago. We got engaged three years ago.
It's not comparable. You are very disorganized.
We got engaged three years ago and we're still not married. That's inside And sometimes I wonder why these like rude trolls write me messages every so often and are like, you're never going to get married. He's never going to marry you. It's because we've been engaged for three years. They legitimately think he's never going to marry me.
Well, my sweet is. She flew down from the Gold Coast this weekend. We went wait in Joe shopping. We had a really nice we stayed in the city. We had a really nice weekend. We went had to dinner, drinks, had a lot of fun. And I sat there watching her in her wedding dress and I may or may not have teared up, and she I don't even think she's found the one yet, but I still got emotional, so I can't imagine what it's going to be like
on the day. There's also a part where she's always I mean, she's thirty, but she's always going to be my little sister, and everyone that has a younger sibling they know that feeling like it doesn't matter how old they get, it's not old enough. I still look at her as like a sixteen year old, but she's like, bro, I'm thirty, Like, let me have sex, and okay if
you have so weird. But you know, when you think of when I thought of her getting married and like having kids and stuff like that, I'm like, how are you old enough to do that?
But she's thirty.
But when you're and I guess that's what it's like for parents. I think parents would look at their kids and think, how is my child old enough to be doing that? Because you always hold on to the fact that, like they're these little babies.
And I think it's different as well when you're like the older sibling and you've always kind of.
Like you're not married either.
Oh maybe maybe maybe there's like a point of comparison there, like when you're at different stages in life, you're like, oh, you're doing that, okay, cool, We're gonna go on your dress for me.
So that it was pretty fun. I mean I had a laugh, of course, but I was sitting in you know, it's such a big fancy event. Everything's quiet when you try and wedding dresses on. Sherry's in a wedding dress and she's on that little platform looking at herself in the mirror, and the girl comes up to me and she's like, so, Brittany, are you married? And I was like, too soon, girl, it is too soon. We're not talking about it. Shardon's like, let's move on.
It's just like every don't want to laugh.
I mean you have to. If you don't laugh, your cry yeah okay, I feel like it's always too soon, but like yes, really if you don't laugh, your cracker anyway.
That is it from us, guys, another episode, Done and dusted. If you love the episode, jump onto Apple Podcast leave us a review. You can also join the Facebook group, which is a Life Uncut discussion group, and that is where all the down and dirty stuff goes down.
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