Life Uncut podcast acknowledges the traditional custodians of country throughout Australia and their connections to land.
Sea and community.
We pay our respect to their elders past and present and extend that respect to all Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander peoples today.
This episode is recorded on Gadigal Land of the Aurora Nation. Hi guys, and welcome back to another episode of Life Uncut.
I'm Laura and I'm Brittany. Hi Brittany, how are you going today? On this beautiful day.
It's probably the first sunny day that we have had in Bondai in maybe five years.
Well, I don't think it's let's just not segue to bond Die. I think it's all of Sydney.
Sydney has been rained central, it has did you read It's going to be like the second Lenina and Rain.
We're looking at Keisha, yeahl Nina, what did you call it? Lanino? Lonino? Lo Nino like this?
It's a lone long was brother of Anyway, it's the one and early study day that we've had in forever, and we're spending it inside podcasting because we love you all.
Kisha and I went on a walk this morning. Oh, please tell me what happened.
Well, we had an event for war. We both walked separately that we met up in. We exchanged Delilah halfway. So I went for a run with Delilah ran past an X, and I was like, Lol, run past an X. Awkward moment, pretended I didn't see him, because that's obviously what you do.
Do you if you walk past or run past or whatever.
You don't even just give like the nice nod, you know, the nod of you've been inside me. We used to be in love with each other, and now we pretend that we don't know each other nod like.
It depends on the situation, and it depends on the X. Why they're an ex how long? Like it's very If I see them coming with enough time, I will pretend I've taken a phone call. I will look, I'll text, i will pretend I've waived to someone elsewhere.
If hopefully that someone was s around them and pretending to wave to, I will avoid them.
I don't want the awkwardness, but a fine X that I just like hooked up with a few times or whatever, I will be like, hey, here you going that's fine.
More cutting though, There's nothing more cutting than seeing an X when you're out on a walk and just completely ignoring them and them ignoring you, like you know that you've seen each other and you know that the other person's walking past, thinking crackrack.
He definitely saw me, and I obviously saw him because I'm telling the story.
But I pretended I didn't.
But where this is going is when I met back up with Keisha to swap Delilah over, I told I said, Hi, I'm just run into this person blah blah blah.
The exchange of the co parenting dog.
Yeah, so Keisha, the same thing happened to Keisha. But this, I mean, this isn't funny. I'm not saying it's funny, but the way Keisha told the story, she was like laughing, but laughing out of like why do people do this? And it just got me thinking, Nwa. Keisha a few months ago was dating this person. They were hitting it off. I met this person, right, I met this guy out when we were out one night and he was like raving about Kisha. He's like, I'm so into your friend, Like she's.
Amazing, blah blah blah.
They're really vibing, so it was all signals ago. Then after about almost about three month mark, he did the it's not you, it's me. I'm not ready for a relationship, but you're you're great.
Like, it's not you, it's a soft exit. I don't want a relationship right now.
So that's always really hard to hear, right, because if you do want that, or you're vibing and you think it's going really well, it's always hard to hear.
Well, you weren't here for this.
But we spoke about this on Ask and Cut a couple of weeks back, Briet Will, So you were off frolicking in South America recording the challenge. So Matt and I spoke about this. We are strong believers, and we were united on the front that if someone tells you that they're just too busy they're not ready for a relationship, it's just code for it's not me, it's you.
I just don't want to be with you. Yeah. Well turns out that's right. So Keisha's like, okay, cool, that's okay.
But then today on her walk she ran into him, and not only did she run into him, literally smack bang into him. But this is like I don't know. Six weeks after with his new girlfriend, Oh.
See, I told you this is what happens.
I would say ninety percent of the time when they say, oh, like, you know, it's just not the right time in my life. I'm too busy with work. I can't be in a relationship. It's usually just code for this is not the right relationship undred percent.
It's like a soft exit port produced a Keisha is sitting here right now, Keisha, it's not you.
Let's just say it is no, and it's I said this a Keisha. We both had a moment this morning. We were both laughing with each other, but laughing a bit like of a distressed laugh where we're like, what you know, because like stuff like this has been happening to me a lot lately as well, and we're like, what's wrong with us?
Like what?
We had that moment for a second where we're like what's wrong with us? And then we're like, hang on a minute, nothing is wrong with us.
It's them. But it brings me to this point of this would have been a different moment today when she's running to him with his new girlfriend, if he had just said I I think you're great but I don't feel like it's going anywhere long term with us.
Yeah, And I guess the big thing with that, though, is that people are so hesitant to hurt someone's feelings, so instead of giving the truth, they give the softest.
Version of the truth.
Actually, weirdly, this was not a setup that this does lead us into what we're talking about today, which is called askers and guesses. Strap in because I know ninety nine percent of you will have no idea what that even means.
But we will unpack it in a little while.
But I think in these situations, so many people don't want to offend someone. But this actually brings me to something that I read recently, and I would love to get your opinion on this. It's gone semi viral on the socials, this idea that three month mark is a really significant time frame in a relationship. And basically there's this theory or and I mean, I'm sure it's not backed by much science, but it's this idea that you shouldn't fully commit to someone until you reach the three
month mark of a relationship. Now, there's a couple of reasons for this. One is because once you hit the three month mark, it's enough an amount of time that the rose colored glasses have kind of come off and you start to see the relationship for what it actually is and see that person for who they are. But also there's a bit more of like a darker side to it as well, like if you're dating someone who is narcissistic or who is manipulative, or who is able
to mask the personality. It's usually around the three month mark that that starts to come undone as well, and you really start to see who the person is.
When you say you shouldn't commit fully until the three month mark, what do you mean by that? Do you mean like you shouldn't say that you're in a committed relationship?
There actually be dating lots of other Frank on a Saturday night, he's hanging Frank, or someone is Frank, someone's getting begging Frank on a Saturday.
But does this just mean like, yeah, what are the specifics of that saying just saying like let's casually date.
Okay, Obviously this isn't like, this isn't a.
Gold stand Yeah, it's not like a well maybe it is the gold standard, but it's not a steadfast rule. I'm sure there are so many people listening to this who are like, I was exclusive after two weeks, got
married after two months, and we're happily together. But the thing is that for so many people, if you get caught up in the early stages of the relationship and at that point in time when you've only just met someone, when you're like one month into dating, you're not actually in love with the person.
You're in love with the you're in love with the after a month once. Yeah, but I.
Think, okay, I think at one month you're in love with the potential of who that person in that relationship can be, Like you're in love with all the things that could happen. But truly, at one month mark, you don't necessarily know that person very well, and they could end up being somebody entirely different. And if they don't end up being someone different, you're lucky and you got really lucky. But we don't know someone at the four week mark, you simply don't. How could you possibly this?
Look, I agree with you.
I'm not saying I agree with like the you know, don't fully commit for the three months, because I've definitely done that before.
I mean, I'm a romantic. We know that so I think she's.
Going with your whole heart, but you need to go in with your brain as well. And that's what I think it is. You don't want to be completely sucked in by the chemistry that you're going to feel, because we all know that at the start of a relationship it's that honeymoon feeling, it's the obsession, it's the chemistry.
You can't be sucked in by that. You can embrace that.
For sure, like go nuts, have all the sex, all the love, all endorphins, do it all, but just use your brain at the same time.
And I think back, I mean, you guys will.
Remember when I started dating Jordan. That happened very very fast. So we fell ahead over heels in love. After about four or five weeks, we spent every day together.
He pretty much moved into my house.
And officially we were together for only about three ish months before he left. So this is a really interesting subject that you brought up, Laura, because the three month mark is literally when he left. So I often think, well, what would have happened if he did stay here? Would it have stayed as amazing as it was? Did we only not work out because of the distance? Did things change because of the three month mark or did they
change because it was long distance? These are questions I mean I'm never going to know the answer to.
But I think like it's interesting, isn't it.
Because of course long distance adds an entirely different element and layer to it, right that that puts another amount of stress on it. But I do remember, and time me to shut up if you don't want to share this. I do remember it was around the three month mark and Jordan had just shortly left, and I remember that you were feeling like you hadn't been reassured enough, you know, like you were feeling upset about him not being contactable
and feeling like the distance was upsetting you. And the thing was is he didn't need as much reassurance around the distance. He didn't need as much contact as what you needed. So there was this difference in the way the two of you communicated, which maybe it would have come out at some point. Obviously long distance put that
under a lot of pressure. But I do think that when you get to this as soon as like that honeymoon phase of just pure intensity wears a way and you start to see someone for exactly who they are, that's when you actually get the opportunity to be like, yes, you are someone who I can see myself spending the rest of my life with potentially, or wow, A lot of the things that you do give me the fucking ick.
And I guess one of the things when I read this through, and I read all the reasons around why you should really take it slow for those initial three months before completely committing yourself or throwing yourself into a relationship, is it takes me back to the very messed up relationship I had with someone who not gonna dinose because you know, I'm not a doctor, but there are a lot of telltale signs that he had narcissistic personality disorder. And I think for three months he was so good
at masking who he was. He was the perfect boyfriend, he was the perfect everything. He was just so interested in me, so available, he loved bomb the shit out of me, like he honestly was just everything I had ever wanted in a relationship. And then that slowly started to erode after the three months mark, I was like that, like the fucking glasses fell off and it became very real.
Who he was as a person.
And so that's what I mean by this idea that you can mask and be on your best behavior, but you can't do that forever.
So it's funny.
The first I mean I started to read up about this as well, the first year, so the three months are obviously crucial, but the first year is actually referred to as a discovery year, or like a discovery stage because for the first entire year, and I mean hopefully longer than a year, I hope that one day, if I have a make a relationship that long, I hope that I hope that I am discovering things every day.
But the idea is that there's the discovery year because every single day you learn something new about your partner. And this is why it's so hard, because the first three months are the intimacy stage, right the obsession, the love bombing, the sex, the chemistry, everything. Then the rest of that year is the discovery stage. So you realize like, Okay, yes I'm obsessed, but now I need to figure out if I continuously like this person.
Yes I'm obsessed, but he certainly or she certainly leaves her underwear inside her pants on the floor in front of the washing basket right there.
That's that's the problem. Yeah, so then what a discovery? So then the one year and then the three year mark. So it's three months, one year, and three years. This is what experts say, are like when you have your little speed bumps, what is supposed.
To happen at the three year mark?
I find that one interest because I feel like the three year mark is when a lot of couples and I space this on the fact that we get hundreds of ask guncut questions that come in. I get the feeling that the three year mark is when people really are making that decision around marriage. If you're in a monogamous relationship, the decision around marriage, and for a lot of people, it's like do I want to spend the rest of my life with this person?
It's the big question. Yeah, well they call that like an evolution.
Of like an intimacy love. Why can't I say intimacy, Well, intimacy.
Intemacy. It's the difference between.
Like an intimacy love and a mature love. This is where it changes. This is where it changes to those do I want to have this mature love?
The three year mark when you can't be bothered to have sex anymore, That's exactly it that is exactly it, but I got a headache.
Moving back to the three month mark, there are some telltale signs. Now this isn't me that have said this, but this is you know, this is the interwem signs that your relationship might not make it past the three month mark. Now I'm I'm gonna tell you some of them. Number one, first and foremost, your partner isn't consistent with
their communication. And what this means is do you usually talk and text most days, and you might send your memes, you might respond to stuff on Instagram, whatever it is, right, you have a consistent communication style. Then all of a sudden they go a y. You don't see them. They've disappeared. Might just be for an afternoon. They might not respond to something, might be for two days.
Whatever it is. This inconsistency is a.
Sign that maybe they're drifting away, maybe they're getting bored, maybe they're not as into you as you are into them.
I also think with inconsistency as well, and especially when it rears itself at that sort of like early phase in a relationship, it really shows you where you lie in that person's priorities, and it really shows you, like how they treat the people that they keep close to them.
Because for anyone who's ever been loved bombed, if you have gone through a phase of love bombing and then there's an inconsistent phase, what happens to you is that it actually the person who's been love bombed and then they've received the inconsistency, it makes you latch on harder.
You want that person even more, and so it actually binds you to them and makes you work harder for the relationship rather than taking a step back, especially if it's at this three month mark and going whoa, whoah, whoa, whoa, whoa,
what the fuck has happened here? So I'm kind of like saying this for anyone who has gotten to the three month mark in a relationship and they're seeing that this person is behaving inconsistently, just check yourself if you are feeling, oh my god, I need to like reattach and latch on harder. I think, if anything, take a step back and figure out like the why behind it.
For some reason, I feel like you're talking to me right now.
I know I have a few feelings there's a few things going on behind the scenes.
Like you're giving me like a subliminent.
Welcome to the counseling session of Laura versus Brittany.
Okay, what's number two?
Your partner isn't their genuine self around you. So by the three month mark, you should be very comfortable with each other. You should be I mean like you should be doing this anyway. You should be able to say exactly what you think. You'd be able to give your opinions. You should be able to text as many times as you want.
If you want a.
Quadruple text, you quadruple text like those days are gone. Nay, I'll do a ten text.
I mean I did do a full text recently, and Laura and Keish were like where, And.
I was like, well, I felt like it was warranted because it's early days for you, babe. You're not at the point where you can send full texts in a row. Let's be sure.
Apparently I am.
Somebody's coming on a little bit Fromber three.
Three. They don't invite you to hang out with their friends. This is a big year.
This is a very big telltale sign that they're not that into you. Because if you are that obsessed and in love and happy and wanting to go places by three months. You are wanting to immerse someone into your life, and you're wanting to be I mersed into their life. You want to know their friends, you want to know their family.
Because that also tells you a lot about.
Who they are as a person, the way they interact with other people, their family life, their social life. That is a real big thing in a relationship. Well do you have do you have aligned values? Do you guys want to do the same things? What are they like when they're with the boys, what she like when they're with the girls.
It just also like it's completely reflective of their investment. And this is what I spoke about with Matt when I dated Okay, the guy I dated for a year who was in a situationship, who ended up breaking up with me and then getting with a girl straight afterwards who's now marrying.
Well, I digress.
So he never in that year, we never did anything with his family, which is very weird because he owned his he owned a restaurant with his brothers. Like his family and him were very close, but I never ever met them and I never ever spent any time with them.
But I spent you know, three days a week with him, So I always you know, especially when we got to like the year mark, I was like, it is very clear, and especially when things like birthdays had come and gone, Christmas had come and gone again, Easter had come and gone, and I was like, it became super fucking obvious.
Yeah, literally won't invited, but I mean them before your partner doesn't find way is to keep moving the relationship forward. So maybe they're showing less initiative in setting up date nights, they're not as intimate with you, they don't want to be with you as often. These are all signs that well, it's probably not reciprocated, because at this stage it should be reciprocated within three months. This should be a dream boat relationship.
Well, I think the big thing as well is and like the take home message overall, unless you've got some more.
Well, I've got a couple more going rattle off there, Britt. There's a lot more little things that I find really interesting.
And maybe one day we'll do another whole episode where we deep dive into some of these stages of relationships propably, but big obvious one is they don't make any solid future plans with you. There's nothing in the pipeline there's no talk of the future, there's no talk of.
Where it's going to go.
Because I think that especially the older you get as well, like this definitely comes with an age thing as well.
For me now in my thirties, that would be more of an alarm. If I have dated somebody for three months, six months and they're not wanting to make any plans, I'm going to think that, well, I'm probably the wrong relationship because it's going to move faster now for me than it would when I was twenty five.
So my big thing from this, and I think like the ultimate take home message, especially for anybody who's in you know, if anyone who's in the dating game. Obviously, if you're in a long term relationship, this probably doesn't apply to you, hopefully it never will again. But if you are somebody who wants to be in a relationship, if you are looking for someone and want a long term partner, and you're dating, and you get to the three month mark and shit is still ambiguous, you don't
know where you stand. You don't know if they're as into you as what you're into them. You're not sure if they're completely committed. Ask the question, regardless of whether you're fearful of the answer, because ultimately, I think by the time you get to the three month mark, people should be pretty clear on whether they want to have a relationship with you or not. They may not want a relationship with you, but they may thoroughly enjoy keeping
you around because they have a good time. And then it's up to you to decide, well, do you want to waste more time on something that's probably not going to turn into anything.
Well, for me and I'm very forward, but for me this is a huge thing because for me, time is the most valuable thing and I don't want to be investing my time at this age when it's not going anywhere, because for me, I just feel like that is a waste of.
Just give them three months before you send the text message of like, what are we.
Unless the sex is amazing? Name around a little bit longer, yeah, but it's like okay, then they can stay for a year for as long as it takes me.
So okay, Well, I have an update from an episode we did a couple of weeks ago.
If you guys listened, I did for a second think that it was a dating update, but no, glad, I'm not.
Bringing that this week.
Okay, podcast update, love it just sit on that little do you know what? Before you give a podcast update, I want to say one thing. If you're in Sydney and you haven't got yourself a ticket to the live show, there are some tickets that have just been released. So we have our one and only live show on the twelfth of October. It's going to be freaking amazing. We
do have some guests confirmed. Chanta Otten is going to be joining us, we have jan friend who's going to be joining us, and we have a really fucking exciting surprise which we're not going to tell you about, but you'll only find out if you come to the live show. So you can jump onto our website, which is Life on cutpodcast dot com dot a and get tickets to our very first live show.
But be quick because there's only a limited number that have been re released.
Well we're not doing anymore like this year, so this is the one and only and this is the very last ticket release that we can do for this event because then it's fully sold out.
Okay, let me get back to my update. Give it to me. It was just from a few episodes ago where you and I are Laura. We had that discussion. I think you brought it up from memory about like would you share your vibrator?
Oh yeah, I wanted to know, like if I put my vibrator in a dishwasher, would you use it.
It's just an update that came in today. It was just about sharing the vibrator. So I basically said I wouldn't share a vibrator, no particular reason. I just don't want it once it's been inside of you, Laura, no offense to you. You said you were happy to share vibrators. That was just where we stood, completely fine.
The general consensus and people jumped in across social media was that most people don't want to use their friends vibrators. But I also just want to reiterate you're quite happy to have sex with a dick that many people have had sex with. And also if you are not different, if you're not in a heterosexual relationship and you're in a same sex relationship, the same thing goes. If you're same sex and you're using sex toys, well then you're using them with multiple people, So like it's kind of
the same thing. It just does hit different.
Yeah, it's not that though. It hits different because I don't want to be doing that and thinking of you.
And if I have your vibrator, chances are you can to pop into my head and I no offense you, la, but you are not what I want to be thinking about at that time. But a girl just read it and she said, yes, I do often share my friends vibrators. That was the heading in big capital letters. And I was like, you literally have like a swap seas party every week, Like what is this? One of her best friends is a studying sexologist, so how she has a
blog she reviews sex toys. So what she does is she just gets bulk sex toys, uses them, reviews them, and then just goes and hands them out to the friend group, like they just go and have copye and everyone gets a vibrator so they constantly use it.
I was like, and then I sid thinking. I was like, maybe it's maybe it's.
Not too bad if it was a one off, if you've just tried and tested at once, But if you've been.
You know, how different is it.
I'm not gonna give you your dildo for five years and knowing you who keeps the same pillow for like twenty seven years, Like I need to rinse.
It after each ar You'll to me one of those ones that you have to have two hands to hold, like and you have to wind it up at the back to get it going.
You know how, you have to, Like, there's never been a dildo that you need to wind up at the back, Brio.
It's not like it was in nineteen sixty. I don't know. Look, at the end of the day, I just wanted to say it because the poles were leaning towards No.
Don't use your friend's doodos. But like, maybe it's not so bad. Maybe you can get some disinfectant, throw on the dishwasher and move on.
Well, when I'm finished with the one, I've got a Bri'll pack it.
I'll pack it up and give it to you for your birthday next year. This reminds me, did you did you see this week on TikTok the video that went viral of the little It must have been ten years old or something and he found his mum's.
Big stick on dildo under the bed. You know those ones are suction Speaking of you's dildos.
Yes, speaking of his dildos. The mom has video it. She's gone absolutely viral. TikTok because she's in hysterics. She's walking to the room and he has found her suction dildo.
He has suctioned on the wall and he's having like a full on boxing match with it. Like you know those speed bags when.
You when you're learning to box. Have you ever seen a boxing speedbag?
Oh, it's like a fully erect sucking cat dildo that's stuck to the wall and he's using it like to punch his fist down.
He has veins bottom, he's got veins and everything.
He's ducking, he's weaving, and she just was like, I'm just gonna let him do it because he doesn't how he was this kid can But apparently it looks like a dildo anyway. Off the back of it going viral, apparently heaps of people have been like, he actually looks like a really good boxer, Like I think he should come and train with me, so like he.
Could get a boxing gig out of there.
I have so many questions. Does he know did he know what it was? No, but he did say it looks similar to a willie. Do you know how a lot of feels about a stick on vibrated though like a stick on dildo. I feel like it seems like so much effort, because surely if you get to masturbate, you just want to lie down in your bed and just be on your back and not to do it and not have to do anything. You know, you just want to lay there. Who wants to try and like suck the wall?
What do you mean not doing anything? How did you just put hand?
You know, just you're just using one arm. It's it's like so it's like the laziest thing you can do. People actually up like gyrating against a wall. Like are people that active with their sex toys? Yes, they put them in the showers. I mean they put them in the showers. They fully suck them in the shower. So it's like, well, it's like.
A real event.
You're like cool, especially when you've got kids, Like I don't even get to have a shower on my own at all.
If I'm like, I'm going to go and get my suction bildo out from under the bed take it in the shower, like that is it? That's an event? But I would imagine it is an event, yes, but I would imagine it brings a bit more life to the story, Like the situation you know, you're a bit more active.
To what story, Well, the story in the history of masturbation.
No, they're probably imagining that they're actually having sex. They're is stuck to the shower makes it more realistic. I'm really envisaging this now.
So you stick it against the shower wall, and then you would turn yourself around and pretend like you're getting shagged from behind.
Right, Okay, look, I have never ever done that, but I think we could. Life we love a pole. Let's put a poul out. How many people are the.
Lazy, lay down masturbators and how many are the suction onto a wall.
Okay, I don't think it just has to be stucktion onto the wall like I see it. I see the whole sexual wellness movement happening across Instagram. I see the post which are like, just go date yourself, you know, have a romantic night and then masturbate for four hours. Who has time?
Like it's four minutes. I know exactly what to do, and then I'm going to sleep, do you Yeah, four minutes. I could be done in four minutes. Four minutes. Yeah, I'm going to time it next time and I'll come back and tell you all.
Hey, how is is there like a one week update on the intimacy challenge that you weren't mad at doing.
We started yesterday, so it was a bit delayed. Did you actually start or you're gonna have sex ones and then not do it again.
We started yesterday and then literally we were sitting on the couch and I said, oh, I've got to go to BRIT's house. And then Matt started making out with me, and I was like, this is a very inconvenient time.
Like you guys think at me as well, I already told you I was on my way out the door. I think he does it on purpose as well. Matt pretends like he wants us to have more intimacy, but really then he picks very very very inopportune times why so that he can say, well, I try I reckon, Yeah, come on you man? All right, well I want an update next week. Okay, let's get into accidentally I'm filtered. Now. This is our.
Favorite part of every episode if you're new to the podcast. Actually Unfiltered is where we read out your most embarrassing stories and thank you to every single person who has written one in we all like laughing at you.
I'm going to kick start and you guys, I've really stuck to a theme today.
This well, vibrators, let's go, no masturbation. No, you'll see the theme in a minute. But I'm really dating for three months. Yeah, yeah, I've stuck a theme. I really went all out to find this. This isn't I can't believe they said that. Now, we haven't done these in a while, but this one really I thought it.
Was funny and it shouldn't be.
But I thought it was really funny and it very much suited what was happening today. My last relationship, I was absolutely so in love, so obsessed. I thought it was going really well until he decided to break up. Now he did the whole it's not you. I just don't want a relationship right now. I'm just really not in the right headspace.
Sure, this wasn't case kis I don't This is what he said quote, it's not you. I just don't want a relationship right now. I'm really just not in the right headspace. I need to focus on university. Oh and you better get off my Netflix profile because my next girlfriend in a couple of months won't like that quote. Wow, I mean, but fair because like belong does some people hold onto a Netflix account for that.
She goes, so I guess it is me? Then well, yes it is you.
But like I'm sorry, if you're going to break up and make up a lie, you can't in the same lie contradict yourself. You can't say I'm not ready for a relationship and then quickly say get off my Netflix. So because my next girlfriend in two months won't like no.
I also think that the Netflix thing, you've got to wait like a month, Like it's a one month, Like you do the breakup, and then in one month's time you say, hey, I'm really sorry. I know that you're still using Netflix because I can see that you've just watched five episodes. If this is us, can you please remove my Netflix from your thing because you know.
Sarah needs it. I think it's a month. It's one month. I reckon this. Heapes people that use their ex's I would if I had one. It's like I'm still logged in as Jordan. He's probably logged in. Mind. Okay, what have you got? Okay? I have? Oh mate.
It was a hard one tossing up between Pooh and and something else, but I've decided to not.
Go for the pooh, you've come all away.
Today is Monday, and after waking up and my boyfriend's place, I was pretty keen to sneak in a quickie before we both headed off to work and we won't see each other again until the weekend.
It was a great idea, always is.
We had a great time and I felt energized to start my day until about two hours later, when I was standing in a small, cramped office with three of my lovely older coworkers, and standing there.
I let out the loudest queaf that you have ever heard. I was mortified.
It was mid conversation and I just powered through and pretended like nothing happened.
How long has that been? Air been up there? Sometimes it happens though, just gets trapped, does it? The air is? I thought it was just like queefin was like, and in the moment think I didn't know.
You just suctioned it up for like four hours and let it out at the lunchtime, meaning.
At morning tea. I have control the next level. She's not gonna have any pelvic floor issues, let me tell.
You, maybe not, though, don't you think I think they could get stuck up there like the like the top end bloats and obviously you're standing up right, so like the air is trying to follow.
I don't know how long you've hold on, but she must have just tends to stomach or something. Then it all came out. She sure it wasn't a farm. No, oh my, what it comes out of a different area. I know, I didn't know you got hold onto a quif for so long, but you know what, I think somebody did? She Well, yeah, all right, Well let's just get into what the episode is.
Alrighty, On this episode, we're talking about something called askers and guesses culture on today's episode. Now, there's a good chance that you've never heard about what askers and guesses are. But are you the type of person who, instead of asking a direct question, whether it be about relationships or something to do with your job, more inclined to leave subtle hints or imply the question rather than being direct. Or are you as subtle as a sledgehammer and have
absolutely no problems with asking direct and pointed questions. Now, this is something that will absolutely apply to every single person, because you are more than likely one or the other.
Well, it's a way to describe who you are as a person. It's almost like an unofficial personality.
Trait in the same way that we have done an episode on introverts and extrovert Now, this is something that originated back in two thousand and seven on a web blog that was posted by Andrea Dondry, where the whole term around askers and guesses culture was coined. But basically, an asker is somebody who is very confident, has no
issue with asking a question outright. They are somebody who is not fearful necessarily of the word no, and they don't ask questions expecting that the answer is going to be yes.
All the time.
They ask questions wanting to know where they stand, or is to simply get an answer. I am not an asker, I am a guesser. Guessa is somebody who will only ask questions if they're pretty sure that the answer is going to be yes. And I think the guesses is probably a bit more of an interesting one to unpack because askers are pretty clear cut, but guesses are somebody who we are very intuitive in terms of like trying to figure out social cues. We ask for things in
a way without having to ask for it directly. We ask for things in a roundabout way because we worry about offending people. We don't want to put people into a situation where it's hard for them to say no to a question. And the reason for that is because we don't like to say no to other people.
Yeah, but the thing is too guesses can also be pretty thrifty.
So it's not just that they don't ask, it's that guesses going aroundabout way really vaguely sussing out if someone's going to come to the table, if someone's going to come to the party, and often they have a way of getting the answer or getting the offer without actually asking the question.
So it might be.
Just so you can kind of understand, We'll give you an example. You're going away and you really need your dog looked after, or you need your cat looked after. Instead of just going to your friend or your neighbor and saying, hey, is there any change, you're free to look after my dog for the week, you go to them and you say, oh, I don't know what I'm going to do with my dog for the week. Like you know, I'm going away and they're just going to be at home and I've got no one to look after them.
I mean, you're not extreme case. That's an example, that's what it is. And then the person says, oh, do you want me to look after and like, oh, my god, would you.
So you've gotten, you've gotten exactly what you wanted, but you haven't asked the question.
And this is why guesses get thrifty.
Well, yeah, and I think I think that it's very important to kind of establish and you touched on at the beginning of it, but it's important to establish why people become either an asker or a guesser. So askers usually have been raised in households where communication is very open and it's okay for them to ask questions and they're not reprimanded when the answer is no. You know, they're not made to feel stupid, they're not made to
feel guilty, they're not an imposition to anybody. So it's really are and growing up in a household that embraces challenging the status quo, asking questions and being an independent little person, whereas someone who's a guesser has probably grown up in environments that force them to learn other people's social cues so that they don't upset anyone, or so that they don't even put themselves into terms a way, for example, so you become as a guesser, extremely intuitive
how to get what you want without having to be direct and assertive.
And two other things that are really important to note is that it's not just a family upbringing thing. It is also a cultural thing. It can be a personality thing. You could be very different to your family. And it is a spectrum. It's not a dichotomy. So you don't have to one hundred percent fit into either category. You don't have to be just a guesser, and you don't have to be just an asker. Sort of like introvert and extrovert, right, You're not just one or the other.
You can cross pollinate, you can evolve, you can change the same thing with askers and guesses.
And you can also be different depending on the relationship. You might be someone who is a asker in your personal life where you are very clear and direct with your partner, but you might be someone who is a guesser in the workplace. And now, a really great example for this might be you might have no reservations with telling your partner what you want, but when it comes to being in the workplace, for example, asking for a
rise or asking to take annual leave. You are very much a guesser, where you try and suss out what the answer might be, and you won't ask the question until you know it's going to be an absolute yes, because ultimately, the thing about guesses is that they don't like the word no. But not only do they not like the word no, they don't like putting somebody in a position of having to say the word no, because for themselves, if they're in that position, it causes them
a lot of anxiety. Now, I guess one thing I kind of wanted to use for an example of this is something that happened to me recently, and the reason why this conversation really for me, I was like, I get it, I get it now, and I really hope my staff not listening to this.
If you are, turn it off now. No, no, if you are.
I want to preface this by saying, this was a really great learning experience for me in terms of like how to manage different people of different personalities, because ultimately, this whole conversation is around communication style and how as people sometimes conflict can happen, but we communicate differently, and it's like all about managing and mitigating conflict by our
communication styles. So recently, one of my staff, who are absolutely adore, she sent a message and asked, Hey, in two days time, I've been having a bit of a hard time, but in two days time, can I take a week of annual leave. This was right in the middle of a sale period for us as well, which is like a really big time staff can't take annual leave during sale periods. It's a critically busy time for retail.
And I got the message and I remember seeing it reading it and I was like, why would you even ask that because the answer has to be no. Why would you ask to take ten days annual leave in two days time? I was like, that's, to me, is a crazy thing to ask, And I felt a little bit offended that she would ask the question. However, now I realize she is an art and I am a guesser.
She meant no offense by asking the question. She wasn't upset that the answer was no, and just you don't ask, don't get totally and the answer was no, and there was absolutely no negative outcome. But I think the thing that happens with guesses is that when you're so fearful of answering. No, you worry about what the outcome, what's
the repercussion's going to be in that situation. And I guess for me, it was just a really interesting perspective, and it made me realize that, like, she's not obnoxious or being a bad person for asking something that to me seemed unreasonable. She just was asking a question and it wasn't a big deal to her.
That's exactly right, because she would be thinking just picture her at home with a boyfriend whatever, being like, look, why don't you just try?
You've got nothing to lose. And it's one of those things. And I say this to myself all the time, what have you got to lose?
You are a fucking asker, Brittany, Well, this is okay if you are an asker through and through.
See I disagree with this. I am one of the people that are on the spectrum. Right, I cross over, and it's very dependent on who it is. I'm one hundred percent crossing into both.
And I will put my hand up and say I am an extreme asker at times, and then I will put my hand up and say I'm a guesser. Now, let me explain when it changes for me in anything that's business and work and relationships.
I'm one hundred percent an asker. I do not beat around the bush. And sometimes it's probably too much. Like even sometimes I show Laura and Keisha.
My messages or something that I've been a bit bold with in a relationship or dating. Oh, it makes me so uncomfortable. And Laura's like, I can't believe you asked that.
I was like to me because for a guesser, someone who is a bold asker can come across as like brazen and like, I don't know, I don't even like too hard, too harsh.
But I never used to be like that.
This is something coming with age, And again I think it's coming with I know now every year I get older, I know what I want and I know that I don't want to.
Waste my time on things that aren't that.
So I've learned to get to a place where I'm like, Okay, it's more important to me right now to know that this is going somewhere or not going somewhere and find out than it is to bet around the bush for six months to figure out that it wasn't what I wanted when I could have asked one question, so now and not even when I'm in a relationship, even like the people that I have asked out on Instagram or online or in different ways in person, the people that I have asked out, I sometimes tell Laura.
And Keisha and they're like, I can't believe you slid into his DM, like emboldened there, Raisin, you know what I think? Right when I do that?
When like there was one guy UBERHT had the biggest crush on him for a long time, and I slid to his DM and I asked him out. And when I told with the girls, that was like, I can't believe you did that. I would never do that, And I thought, what's the worst that can happen. He's not even going to see the message. So in my head, I'm like, he's not even going to see it. Then if he does see it, he'll either just ignore it, and like that's not going to bother me.
But anyway, this one person actually said, yes, that's crazy. That was and I was like, well, I was not expecting that. But my thing is, I'm not scared of rejection.
And I think that that's something that has come with age because I used to be very scared of rejection. And this is why I've turned into an asker, because rejection doesn't hurt me anymore. I can differentiate rejection being personal, which of course it is personal. But when you think of if you think of dating and relationships, when you think of how many human beings are on this planet, if I ask one person out and they don't want to go out with me, that's.
Not going to change one second of my day. Like it's genuinely not going to say it.
But that all comes down to the fact that you have good boundaries and you have a good sense of self worth, because for a lot of people that's not the case. You know, some people would ask someone out, the answer would be no, and it would hurt their self esteem.
And I guess it ultimately that's why it's come with age.
Yeah, And I guess ultimately in those situations it's a reflection of where each person is at, not just in age, because some people can be fifty and still be really affected by the fact that you know their love life or that they've experienced rejection. I think it does come from having a really strong sense of self.
Conversely, with my friends and my family, I am not an asker.
I will not ask.
My friends and family. If I have asked my friends and family for something, it's desperate times, like I will not be brazen with them like I am in and dating.
I'm so much softer with them.
If I ever did want anything from them, I would one hundred percent bit around the abortion and put feelers out there. And that's just because I separate the two. So when I'm dealing with someone in a work environment, I usually I probably don't know those people. So I feel like I can be like that because there's no attachment.
And this is where they say differentiates a lot of people, a lot of people that are on this sliding spectrum and they're a bit of A and a bit of B. That's usually when it is with the people that you're really close with.
See.
I think it's interesting because I feel like I'm the flip of that. I'm definitely an asker in my personal relationships, like with Matt, I can be an asker in all my other relationships. I'm definitely a guesser and Matt is exactly the same. We had this conversation today and we kind of were trying to figure out where we sat
on this sliding scale. But I think the really interesting stuff, and where this becomes a sticking point is when you are somebody who is a guesser or an asker, wherever one you are, When you were trying to navigate a conversation, a relationship, a situationship, whatever the relationship looks like, with someone who is the opposite type to you, that's when things can really become sticky. And that's where so much miscommunication can actually come from.
Well, yeah, and this is why it's so important to have these conversations with anyone that's close to you, especially like an intimate partner. Think of how many times you might have had like a little tiff with your partner, right you've been implying something, or you've been putting your hints out there, they haven't picked that up. And then you have a fight where they're like, why didn't you just say Why didn't you just ask me? Why didn't you just say it? Why didn't you just tell me?
Like and then the other person's like, well, I thought you would have figured it out by what I was saying. This is because you two haven't established that one of you is definitely an asker and one is a guesser. But once you know that if you're the asker and your partner's a guesser, once you know one hundred percent that they're the guesser, you're going to pick up these subtle hints pick You're gonna see them a mile away. But unless you've had that conversation, you're gonna be blind
to it. That's when the fighting starts. This is when the clashes start in a relationship because no one's communicating clearly.
Yeah, And I read a really good example with this which actually stuck with me so much so.
This one woman was saying that, you know.
When her husban weren't late, he would always message and say, hey, can you cook me some dinner? And she would be like, yeah, sure, I love you, I want you to be happy. She would get up, she would cook his dinner, or she would make sure that there was food for him when he came home when he asked. On the flip side, she often came home from her shift late and she would rock in and there would be no dinner, there'd
be nothing for her. She'd ask, yeah, and she got to a point where she was like, I feel like you don't care about me. You don't think about the things they want. You don't prioritize me. And in all this fight had completely evolved over the fact that she came home from her shift and he hadn't made her dinner. And ultimately he was like, but you don't ask me to. I didn't know that that's what you wanted. I just
assumed you'd eatn at work. It's the miscommunication that can arise, and I guess Ultimately it comes down to that there is one group of people, this asking culture, where they are direct and they expect people to be direct with them, whereas people that come from this guessing culture are far more subtle. They don't deal with the blunt force of the direct ask and what they do is they try and imply.
What they want.
The problem is is that people who are guessers almost think that everybody else works in the same way as them, and people who are askers almost think that everybody else works in the same way as them. And that's where this huge miscommunication can come from.
Now, let it be clear here on life on cut that neither is wrong or right. There's no such thing as oh I'm a guess er, I should be an asker. I'm an asker.
I should be a guesser, but I want to go through the pros and cons of both. The pros have been an asker. You're not offended if someone says no to your suggestion or question. You tend to be more direct with situations instead of like beating around the bush, and there's little ambiguity.
In your interactions, so you're not a time wastter.
No one has to ever go home and try and decipher what you were trying to say or what happened in the situation. Which think of how many times you go home or you leave a message chain with someone you're like, what.
Do you reckon? This means?
And you try, you sit there with your friends trying to decipher it. That never happens because it's like, this is how it is, this is what I want?
Are you in? Are you not?
And then the cons have been an asker. People can find you a bit too assertive. Some people actually think that askers are rude.
When totally like, why are you asking that of me? That's such an outret this is how I feel. Okay, if somebody is very direct with asking a question that I think is an unreasonable ask then I think that they're being rude.
And now when I read all this, I was like, fuck, they're not being rude.
They're just asking a question and expecting that the answer is probably know that they're just asking it.
Yeap, that person would definitely not think they're being rude. Actually, this is a prime.
Example of something that happened in our work group chat the other day. I wanted something done, like I needed some I need an email, so I just wrote, Hey, can somebody please send me that?
See me on that email? I haven't been on that email. I just asked, can you keep me included from now on? Yeah?
So I literally just word for word ask for what I needed or wanted. And then because I've been researching askers and guesses, I looked at it with a different lens and I was like, Okay, I know that I'm just on the fly. There's hundreds of messages going and I just asked what I want. But I know that other people now might not be askers and they might be guesses, and they might read that and think.
I was too short and brazen. So then I'm me like one message later was like, oh hey, sorry. Also, if I sounded short, then I'm on the go and I just just wanted this done, and I just I'm looking at it with a different lens now because I realized that there are so many different people on this huge sliding scale, and it's really really interesting.
Well, I think the big one is that it all comes down to just because you may not mean for it to be interpreted a certain way, but people are so different. Everyone comes to each experience with their own unique set of upbringings, walk of life interpretations, and that's just it. Every single person interprets one thing in a
variety of different ways. And I guess the other big part of that is that phones were supposed to bring us closer together, but if anything, I think that so much around communication can be lost via text because, as we all know, it doesn't allow for tone, it doesn't allow for like your intonation, it doesn't allow for Alex Sark has so many really subtle social cues which are
really important to the way that we communicate. A lost over text about how many times you have misinterpreted something to be far more negative than what it was intended because a text message came across as short, or came across as cutting or without grammar, or.
With that fucking bad grammar.
Okay, let's get into the pro So the prose of being a guesser. You're often viewed as being polite or easy to please. You're not somebody who usually ruffles feathers, and you are conscious of another person's circumstances. So I feel like most people who are guesses try to go above and beyond to accommodate when a questions asked them. When when they're asked to do something, you will do your best to try and accommodate for that, even if you don't really fucking want to do it.
Even if the answer should be no.
You would rather put yourself in an uncomfortable position than to disappoint somebody else. And that's kind of like where things can become really, really sticky. Now, the problem with being a guesser is that because you often do things that you don't want to do because you struggle to say the word no, you become resentful and become passive aggressive, And.
That is what happens, you know.
It's something that I have definitely experienced in my time, Like I'll do things I don't want to do because I feel there's an obligation to it when you resent, but I won't fucking do it with a smile on my face. Put in that way, some of the other cons about being a guesser is that you often lack boundaries. You know, you put other people's well being above your own.
That's like two of the main things around like why it can be problematic and I guess ultimately, like like brit said that you know there's no right or wrong way, and obviously everybody sits on a scale of this, but it's about going into conversations a little bit softer, knowing that there are some people out there that you're questioned if you think that the answer could be a no, the question you're asking could cause anxiety to that other person that having to give you a no is an
uncomfortable thing for them to experience.
It's not as clear cut for them as what it is for you.
And I just think it's just like the love languages. We just think it's something that you should have a conversation with if you've got someone really close to you, a partner, maybe a really close work colleagnlaw and myself, like we see each other every single day, steven days a week, if we don't see each other, we're texting.
We're emailing. But if this in your life that you.
Do deal with a lot, maybe have the conversation, Like, start this conversation, because it's pretty eye opening once you've realized that other people operate in different ways and this
could be the difference. This conversation could be the difference in your relationship strengthening or I mean, like I don't want to say worsening or weakening, but once you get your head around why someone's doing something or does something, you might know that it's not necessarily coming with ill intent, or maybe your partner's also wanting more on the opposite side, and that you now know how to read that and how to give them that.
Also, if you as somebody who is a guesser, learning to be more assertive in certain areas is something that is so important because no amount of subtleties is ever going to get you a pay rise. You know, no amount of subtleties is ever going to get you the
relationship that you really want in life. And there are some situations where no matter how fucking uncomfortable it makes you, whether you are chronically conflict avoidant, but It's so important that you have the confidence and the sense of self worth and the ability to put boundaries in play that you're able to ask for what you want, regardless of whether the answer is going to be no. Sometimes, will you.
Guys know, we never finished an episode without our sucking, our suite, our highlight and our low light of the week, the best thing and the worst thing. I am going to kick this off. My suck this week happened to me this morning.
I went to get a coffee really quickly and met a friend, had to give them a parcel, came back. I didn't take Delila because it was just like five minutes. I came back and she had gotten my Beats headphones.
No off the bed. No no, they're in a hard case. She got off in wild rotten.
And she'd opened them up and she'd taken them out and she ate them. So she completely ate my Beats headphones. I'll show your photo.
This dog is out of control, Brittany Hockley. I know that she's very pretty, but she is no. Well look it's the first time she hasn't done since the book, so it's been like a little bit something that you haven't shared with everyone. Though, is that she ate your most expensive handbag and I have a lot of feelings. Okay, Brittany went, you know we last year was like a really goal kicking, great year for us, and bought herself a handbag that she had saved up and worked towards.
It was like a real like a cheap you.
Know when you have those like cheat one little designer thing that I only own one designer thing, and it was something I'd really worked for.
And you know when you have those achievement purchases, when you're like, when I've kicked this massive goal, I'm going to buy this for myself as a reward as a present.
So Brittany did it.
Brittany bought the super fucking expensive handbag that she had for six months and the dog ate it. And then you are so shocked.
She also ate our book. Now she's actually bedad.
You were so surprised when I'm like, Delilah is a nightmare, and you're like, how can you not love her? And I'm like, when she stops eating every single pair of headphones that we have for this podcast, I will love her more.
Yeah, but you forget she's forteen months old. She's still young. But she hasn't. If I wrote down everything she'd eaten. Look, I'm defending her. If I wrote down every how many she is, Oh no, hang on over her whole entire lifetime. It's not that many. She's weaning off it. So, but she definitely has a thing for headphones.
I'm gonna say something really controversial. It like, it's gonna people are gonna hate this. You're not a dog person.
I like grown dogs, but I don't really like puppies.
Yeah, you're definitely the only human in the world, like no one somebody don't like kids.
Puppies bring so much happiness, so annoying. Yeah, but they're.
So cute and how cute, how happy they make you. Well, for most people, not you outweighs the little bit of annoyance, like I mean, for me and every other normal human as the world.
Do you know, I think I'm scarred.
So we used to foster animals when it before I moved in with Matt and my old housemate. We foster animals, and that's how I got buster. We had a puppy named Biscuit living with us for a little while, and she pissed in my laptop, my open laptop, climbed up onto the couch and just pissed into my laptop and I was like, yeah, cool, not for me.
Hey, she showed you you wagon too much. I am going to shut this. Well, lucky we found her a home, a forever home that was not ourse Well.
My sweet is just that, you know, it's a simple sweet. It's a really really beautiful day today. There is no rain, the sun is out.
It feels like a taste of and for me, that is one hundred pcent my swoon of the.
Week, except that you're sitting here inside this freezing apartment wearing an audience.
You haven't the house, as you know, because you lived here for three years. This house is so cold it could be somewhere outside to have and a heater on.
It's unbelievable. I mean, you'd have a heater if you owned one. I do have one. It's a micro heater. It's supposed to be like good for the environment. I don't really do much. Okay.
My suck for the week is that last week was a super busy work week, which just meant that I was getting home really late from night. The kids were in bed, and so I mean, it doesn't happen every week by any means, but like this last week, I feel like I haven't had any quality time with the kids. It's been super transactional. It's been like get food into them, get them into bed, or get them out of bed, get them rushed to day care. Everything has been in
a rush. And I really miss them this week and really like can't wait to spend some proper quality time with them. And I think, you know, for anybody who is a working mum who goes through periods of having to juggle a lot of things, it's something that you
carry a lot of guilt for. And as much as whenever I have really busy periods, Matt steps up to the plate and he's been doing so much, you still kind of get to the end of the week and you're like, fuck, like I missed them, even though I see them every day, Well like I just missed I really really missed them. And you know, they're so fun and they're so funny to be around, and then you kind of go like, oh, I don't want to be doing this. I just want to be hanging out with you.
And it's a real push and pool feeling that sort of like juggling being a working mum and being.
A mum at the same time.
But my suite for the week is that this morning we got to go as a little family. We did our we didn't like we have the dumbest little Saturday or Sunday morning ritual.
We go down to Brontie Park.
And we go on the train. I ran there and I looked for you this morning. I I feed on the train in so long. Matt was hungover and I made him go on the train. But like, we just had like a really cute little family morning together and I just it was exactly what we needed because I have been feeling a bit disconnected from them, so I.
Must have just missed you this morning because I did look at you on the train as I ran past. I was like, surely they're going to be done.
Surely all they do with their life is tracking Bronti train. But that is it from us, guys.
Just a reminder if you haven't yet got yourself the book, it is available for pre order We Love Love. You can get that from our website. You can also jump onto the website which is Life on cutpodcast dot com dot au and get tickets for our Sydney Live Show. There are a few left, but not many, and honestly it's the one and only that we're gonna do this year.
Don't miss out. It's gonna be so fun.
And this is the last release of tickets. We won't be releasing any more after this.
This isn't like a pretend like last release.
Yes, this is the last release, closing down sales starts now. No, seriously, this is the very last release and that is it from us.
You know the drill.
Don't forget to your mum, ta dad, to dot tea friends and share the love because we love love