BACH UNCUT - Three's a crowd

Life Uncut podcast acknowledges the traditional custodians of country throughout Australia and their connections to land, sea and community. We pay our respect to their elders past and present and extend that respect to all Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander people's today.

This episode is recorded on Gadigal Land of the Aurora Nation. Kids are definitely going to wake up and that's gonna suck be ten o'clock at night.

Why did you want to do it in the kitchen? You know?

Why don't I want to do it in the kitchen?

You've never ever, ever wanted to do it in the kitchen.

Ever, And by do it we mean podcasting.

We've never had sex in the kitchen.

We've never had sex anywhere, and we have sex in the bedroom literally very safe. We've got children and we live in a small house. They could find us and see us, and that shit is traumatizing.

If we were going to have sex in the kitchen, where would you have it? Oh?

People eat on this table? Yeah, we'd start here and then we'd end up in the bedroom.

When I say start, we'd just be like eh.

Someone points at the bedroom.

How about it all? Right, let's go and shuffle off to the bedroom once again.

Hey guys, and welcome back to another episode of Lifetime. Cut. It has been a hot minute. It's not really lifelung cut. You're not Britney Hockley.

It's bat chunk cut.

Here we are back. It's me Laura and my darling, Matthew David Johnson.

Now your husband.

Oh, do you know what I think every time I say your name, though, Matthew David Johnson. I think it's so weird that your mum gave you the middle name David and then had another son and named him David.

She really liked the name David, but like what, like it's a.

Fine name, but like, David is so nice that she named both her children David.

I think it was biblical, Yeah, very biblical. Why are you attacking my mom like that? How dare you? Kelly did her best as a mother and you're pulling apart the way that she named her children.

Because it is ten o'clock at night, and the reason why we're recording this so late is because Matthew's beautiful mother, who I love more than anything. She is wonderful. She has been here.

She cooked a great lasagna.

She's been staying in our house.

You guys love a chat you guys start a chatting, So I checked out we do.

Matt leaves us to talk, and then what he does is he'll just trail off and watch the TV, which means that then I'm the one who's only having the conversation. He's just not even a part of it, and it's not even in the room.

Mentally, I was like, it's nine o'clock and we still haven't started recording.

And this is why batch on cart is always a mad dash to the finish line.

It always is, It always is it is.

Can I just say and every year we say we're never going to do it again, and then every year here we are. And do you know why we say when ever going to do it again?

Why?

Because each year we say, oh, this is the year that the Bachelor is going to get canceled, and I just keep on coming back.

I suggested the idea, and I in no way put any pressure on you whatsoever. I don't know what it was. Just one night, as we're going to bed, you were like, let's do it, and then here we are, and then I'm.

That's literally how both of our children were born as well.

But yes, here we are. This is on you. I didn't force this upon you. This is not my doing at all.

No, no, no no. I came to the table fully, wholeheartedly and willingly. And you know what, there is so much to unpack. And on past seasons, I feel like we have been like I feel like we're equipped to talk about the Bachelor. You know, we've obviously done it, We've been on it. We know that we understand the format of the show. I feel like we, if anything, were

What do you mean you think it's changed so much? You're watching it being like, I don't ever know what's happening. It's still there's usher, there's a mansion, there's roses, there's girls. It's not that different.

It's completely different.

It's not like it's a fight to the death and the winner gets a Bachelor.

It's pretty much what it is.

It's okay, why do you think it's so different?

I mean, well, firstly, I'm sure this is no spoiler to anyone, But there are three bachelors. Sure one of them wasn't holding the show strong, so they needed to go for three and spread it out more evenly. So we have three new bachelors. No longer is there like the red carpet entrance, and no longer is there like the glitz and the glab.

It just feels, hey, hey, hey, it's the gold Coast. It is very glamorous, thank you very much.

It feels grungy and dirty, and they know that that's going to end up being taken as like a headline. I don't mean dirty, is in like sinful, a little bit sinful, But I just feel like it's a bit more massy, It's a bit grit. It doesn't have like the fairytale romance element to it anymore, which I think is what the Bachelor franchise has been built on.

I did miss the red carpet arrivals. For me, that was one of my favorite parts of the entire series. So when they cut that out, I was a little bit like really.

And even ashes like, I don't know what's happening here. Yeah, he's in the corner smoke and a cigarette.

He's not even wearing a suit. Anymore. He's just there and pluggers and a pair of board shorts, and he's like, yeah, like the chicks are over there. I guess like get stuck in boys.

The other thing is, we've got three episodes to unpack here, so pull up your undies and strap on in. Matt and I both have a gin choose my love? All right, Well we've got three episodes. We have three episodes to unpack, which is so much fucking TV. It is three hours and it's like almost four hours of TV. Why this is my first gripe. This is before we get into like the format changing and the men and Felix making

They're fucking long episodes.

Who are they doing this too? We have children.

I would be happy with half an hour episodes.

I have a job, like I have a life. We've all got other things that we need to do. The reason why people are going to listen to these recaps is because nobody has enough time in their life to watch that much of the Bachelor.

It's because there's three of them. Now that's why it's taking so long. And there's there's like eighty girls. There's eighty girls. There's actually like a giant pit, and within that pit is like one hundred or so women who are like, how freed me?

I have a theory. This was actually a film just during school is and they just hoarded a whole bit of women who were seeing in a hotel together and they're like, here, it's Survival of the Fittest. All right, Well let's start with episode number one. Now, we sat down to watch The Bachelor's and for a moment there, I was pretty confused as to whether it was actually The Bachelor that we were watching or an episode of Lux Listing.

You'll be seeing a lot of this stunning seventy fourth floor penthouse.

These men put each other.

There's a lot to love about this place. The pull, the gym, this bag nific view.

But I reckon that penthouse would sell for at least ten million dollars surely more.

Oh No, I was thinking the whole building. No, I don't reckon the penthouse would be ten million, the whole building.

It's Q one. Laura on the concost.

I don't know how much primity costs anymore. Okay, The thing though about this, and I don't know if anyone noticed this, but there was a part of it that made me go, oh, that feels a little bit seedy and uncomfortable. So the penthouse that the guys are staying in looks directly into the mansion that the girls are living in as well, which I like that.

It's great. Why because you can be like, hey, everybody, you know, you can stay in contact whilst you're not on an actual date.

They don't have like a tin can and a piece of string. They've all got mobile phones and could WhatsApp each other. I think it's like really privacy intrusive. I reckon they could sit there with binoculars if they wanted to and look into the girl's backyard where the pool is, and the girls, at least I know from my season that they all kind of sunbaked, hop plus and I think that that's like kind of a bit gross.

It's poor man. I think it's disgusting as well. And let's talk about Jed, who I know that people keep saying it's it's like the longest running joke, but Jed is machine gun Kelly.

Oh, Like we did some forensic investigation.

Today I went identical.

I got stuck in the deep dark web and I was looking at photos of actual machine Gun Kelly and I was like, oh, this is this is where the budget's gone. They literally hide machine Gun Kelly to come and do the Australian.

Bachelor and he's just changed his name to Jed and thinking that no one's going to notice it is machine gun Kelly. It's crazy.

If you haven't looked at this, please go and google machine Gun Kelly, same bone structure, everything, same person, drummer or maybe his younger brother.

He's twenty five too young too, Yeah.

And I know that there's going to be people listening to this podcast who are twenty five and they're married, and they'll probably take offense to this. And I don't mean, I don't mean to say that all twenty five year olds are too young to get married.

Ninety nine but no, no, I'm joking, sorry, joking, not ninety nine percent.

But anyone who is twenty five and signs up to be the Bachelor's is not someone who is ready to settle down. I don't think so anyway.

When twenty five year old's like, I'm going to find.

The love of my life through a reality TV Reality TV is your last resort. I dated everyone in fucking Sydney before I signed up for a reality TV show. It is not your first line of contact.

He's also very religious and grew up on a farm apparently as well. That's jed.

He's a real oxymoron, Isn't.

He very oxymorony?

Is that what that means? When I have lots of things going no idea, that might be the word.

I'm like, oh yes, if all the oxmornation on this is unbelievable, Laura.

Also, if that was an insulting thing to call someone, I might look it up, because that's not what I didn't mean to call him a moron. Let's like an oxymoron.

Let's just move on to Felix. All right, Well Felix, Holy shit, holy shit. I really liked him. I saw him on the project and I really liked him. He seemed like he had like a nice, nice persona going on.

That's the thing about fuck boys, though, Matthew jo Yes, They're very good at fooling you until all of a sudden you're like, holy shit, why is he making up with every single woman in front of me.

If I was a woman, I'd fuck him. I would. I would. I was watching him being like, he's very cute, and he's handsome, and he played sport and he's so strong, and I'm like, he would fuck me over in a heartbeat.

I would say, because you're so nice, You're a nice guy, Maddie Jay, I would be.

In tears to you, being like, why has Felix not messaged me? Yeah?

Why has he messaged me back? I thought I thought he liked me. I thought he was into me.

He said that he wanted something really serious. That's that's how that's how good he is.

Okay, so Felix, I thought. When I first saw Felix, I was like, why have they even bothered having other bachelors? Like, surely he is, you know, strong enough, he's.

Of bachelor pedigree.

I was like, surely he's strong enough to like carry

Yeah, it's like what you're having. It's like someone saying I love skiing. I really want to just go skiing, and you're like, well, why have you been before? And I've never been, but I.

Know that I'm gonna love it, and I know I'm ready to see. You're not ready to see. You've never trained, you've never tried. How would you know?

Doesn't make any sense.

At the very least, it does seem like Felix is aware of the reasons why. Maybe it's never worked out with anyone in the past.

Me, it's always been a hook up culture. The first and foremost thing I look for is physical attractiveness, and that's what I've been looking for my whole life. And you know what, I'm twenty seven. I've never been in a proper relationship. Have I been looking for the wrong thing? I guess some I'm about to find out, Okay.

And then we have Thomas, who very different to the other two bachelors. He's thirty five. He's one of the oldest or the oldest bachelor we've ever had.

They speak about him later on in the episodes as though he's a geriatric like the guy's thirty five. They're like, you are the oldest of all the bachelor's. Look at your gray hair.

A set of stairs and they're like, are you okay to walk up these? Thomas? Are you sure?

Although, to be fair, it's a ten year demographic between Jed and Thomas, and I guess maybe they're trying to appeal to a really wide audience by having these three different, diverse characters. But the thing that I found, you know, Like, to be fair, I really like Thomas. I think he seems genuine. I hate that one, but he seems authentic. He seems like, wait for it, he's there for the right reason.

Ah, shut up, I.

Hate my just vomiting my own mouth that I said that literally, But okay.

The thing about he's so quintessentially Eastern suburb Sydney. The thing about Thomas is that he's found himself. He's found this enlightenment and he really loves Bondai a little too much. While I have Italian heritage, this is the place I call home, and this is the place I want to spend the rest of my life with. I spend the rest of my life with.

So at this point, now that we know our bachelors and we've been introduced to who they are in a very top line way, we get to know a little bit more about how the actual mechanics of this season are going to work. And like the fact that like the formatting. And that's one thing about this that I will give it credit to. So many people for the last couple of seasons of Batch have really pushed against the formatting and said, you know, it's too formulaic. You know,

No, but I don't think I agree with the first part of your statement and that they have really tried to mix things up. But then when they talk about the proposals, it's still a question of if you feel ready, you will propose? Is it not? Well are they saying like Osha will be there gun to your head, being like, get on your fucking knees.

Now you know what you signed up for. We need the ratings.

Oh sure, please fucking do it?

Okay, Well, when you with the Bachelor, did they not strongly suggest okay, never, No, No, it was, But did they strongly suggest that you should propose? Or is it always just an option?

It was always like it's entirely up to you.

So then therefore it feels different this time because it's yes, it is up to them, but it's been strongly suggested that if they feel strong enough of the person that they should propose.

So do you think they're trying to like America where in their seasons of Bachelor it's always a proposal. Do you think that's what they're trying to do now one percent.

And I also think that they're sexying it up in the same way that you know, the American Bachelor, you can have sex on the Bachelor. The American Bachelor you get overnight stays. I think that they're trying to like, you know, dirty it up a little.

Biteah, because American Bachelor's been around for like one hundred and twenty years, so they're like, whatever they're doing, we want in.

Although when you think about it, not that I mean, I'm sure the American Bachelor actually makes for better TV, but the success rate of the couples is very low in comparison to the Australian Bachelor.

Yes, that's right. Maybe they are making it more like the American Bachelor because it's been around for one hundred and twenty years.

Dirtier six.

Yeah, you've had way too much gin. Let's talk about speed dating.

Okay. Well, this is the other big difference is that instead of everybody arriving on the red carpet and having a little one or one time giggitddy giggddy, instead the guys are going out and doing shall help you are going out and doing speed dating, and they're given ten slightly dead roses.

If the roses are different, aren't they.

The roses were dying okay because them had been out of water for too long.

When we used to get the roses on site, there was like a special van that would come. They had like a refrigerated unit within the vans. The roses were like the crem Dela creme of the rose industry, whereas these ones are like picked up from the fucking BP down the roads.

These are Gold Coast roses.

They're hod for the record, big fan of the Gold Coast. Lovely people there.

Matt is kind of from the he's from Brisbane.

Can't have a rose. If you look at a roses, do not get the Gold Coast.

What I meant by a Gold Coast rose is that it's very fucking hot in the Gold Coast. So the roses don't stay perfectly like roses. They're like a bit.

Wilty, very wilder.

They're just so wilted. Anyway, So the boys are running around. These three bachelors are running around Australia with ten roses each, and it is the most brutal speed dating I think I've ever seen. So you don't agree with me, Matt. There was many different dates. Basically the guys had to go and have these like short interactions with the women, twenty minute little interaction dates, and at the end of it they had to either give them a rose or

It was like they didn't get briefed, probably by producers, like if you don't like someone, you can just say, thank you so much, I had a great time, I'm so sorry, this won't go any further. We shure the best goodbye.

Jit just gets up and walks away, mostly.

Literally, like mid sentence, he's like, all right, fucking see your like just starts storming off with his drumsticks in hand, and the chicks are like looking at the camera, and then then one girl even says, is that is that it to the producer off camera, and it was.

It was wild and I think the thing that's made a lot of conversation and I've seen it. I saw it in the Facebook group, I saw it on and across social media. The very first speed date was with a woman and Caitlin, blonde, beautiful, gorgeous woman. She was a psychologist and Jed and now Jed tried to give her a rose because after twenty minutes he was like, you are the perfect package or everything I've ever been looking for, and she, incredibly politely, very well spoken, said,

Hey, and Jed took it really really well, very mature at twenty five. I wasn't sure how he would handle it, but well done to Jed.

Will you accept this rose?

So it has been lovely to get to know you, but unfortunately I'm not going to accept this rose.

I'd love to say friends and stay in contact.

Yeah, good, well it was lovely, madden't you.

Cheers?

Please don't hate me.

Don't think I'm more.

What a bash to the eg?

Do you know what better to know?

No, Jed, tell me what happens.

It was brutal, absolutely brutal.

I just thought I was the one making those decisions, but apparently not onto the next one.

I guess me, this is outrageous to me. You cannot I'm sorry, just because you're the bachelor does not mean that all women will want to be with you.

Yes, it does.

It absolutely fucking does not.

It casts a spell over them and they can't refuse you.

But also, like, how childish to react in such a petulant way.

Because Jed is twelve and a half. They've gotten a bachelor who's not even hit puberty.

Okay, well, the problem with this is then this then goes on to affect Jed on every single date he has after that, because for the next fifty four women that Jed goes on a date with, he can't get over the fact that he's been his small, fragile male ego has been bruised, and he just then he rejects people in a really brutal way because of it.

Yeah, a girl sneezes and he's like, you're out next. Let's talk about Crystal for a second. I like her a lot. I love Crystal, plenty of time for Crystal. She was on a date with Felix.

She was like, she came in hot and ready and heavy. But I really like and like as each episode has kind of evolved the last three episodes. I like how assertive she is, but She also is like very witty and very funny.

I think she's English people are so good.

Do you know why they're so good? Why because it rains so much that they can't just rely on their good looks. They have to have good chat.

Yes. Yeah. And Australia literally like if you want to be anything in life, it's like get abs, get a tan.

You can just be hot. If you live in Bondai, you can just be hot. You don't have to be funny because you can just walk down Bondai beach and people like, oh look another hot person.

But in the UK you're in jeans, boots, jacket, beanie. The hotness can never get out.

Yeah, you never. No one knows.

I have to have a personality, and I know I know that on EP one they're always going to throw in what looks like a really amazing connection. But her and Felix are getting along for twenty minutes. I'm like, holy shit, okay this these guys have got great chemistry.

This is my only question, right, and like I'm all for again.

This is your only question. No more after this, And.

I've asked a lot of questions. These speed dates are only twenty minutes. That's twenty minutes, so cameras on twenty minutes of spending time with each other. Things progressed on a lot of these dates, very very quickly. I can't imagine myself ever with no alcohol, with middle of the day twenty minutes no alcohol.

It could have been morning, it could have been like eight thirty am.

Probably was going on like a coffee date with a guy and then having him eat my face twenty minutes afterwards. Like, I'm just amazed by how quickly they have managed to get to having a connection, Like I really, I don't know whether this is like a produce thing, whether they were encouraged like hey, if this goes well, kissed them at the end of it, But like there seemed to be so much physical attraction that was happening so early on, especially for twenty minute, which is why twenty minutes is

I don't know about you, but most of my dates back in the day Laura would have ended after twenty minutes with me and my undies rubbing my bake. God, do you have one gin and you turn into this animal? But yeah, Crystal, will she win?

I don't think So what did your twenty one dates end up in. I we need to know what aut like.

I never, I think literally would shake their hand and be like, thank you very much. I yeah, pleasure to meet you. I may give them a hug. I probably wouldn't even kiss on the first date. Nothing wrong with that.

You're also old school bachelor. You're not a you know, a Jed Fields.

Hey, Felix von Half I think that's his name. Will he Will he end up with Crystal? I don't think so. Will she make it to the end? Yes, not only does she have great chemistry, but she is like the number one narrator for the season. She's it.

Do you know what? We didn't do what? We didn't pick our winners because we've just we haven't placed our bets yet.

We've talked about two girls so far. We've got so many speed Days to go through.

To be honest, there were so many girls, and I'm like, at this point in time I was watching the episodes, I have.

No idea that there was an Anna.

There was cheese, there was some tantry moves. There was a part day. Yeah, body painting. Oh, there was the life drawing classes. There was a lot of things. Wait, there was this one which I thought was quite special.

So beautiful.

Yeah, don't feel so zen, I feel so great.

And you're beautiful. You really are going on from that very Unfortunately she didn't get a rose, but you know, they had a special moment. She was the one who was confused.

For a split second, I thought, this is it. Thomas will marry this woman. It didn't make any sense. He's very confused.

They didn't meditate their way through BONDI literally literally I would walk past them definitely in the morning at Bondo Beach doing like a silent retreat on the sand. So they're doing some sort of whim Hoff freathing techniques and then an ice bath after. Do you feel a personally victimized by that?

Yeah? I did my first I spar session last week. Oh my god, I'm turning into Thomas and.

I love and found myself in Bunde.

Can we talk about Tilly for a quick second, for a hot minute, like not even that thirty seconds she went on the date with Felix. She was doing the cricket date.

I do like Tilly. She is a hot minute.

She's beautiful, beautiful again.

She has abs on her forehead, there's so many apps.

Some people would look weird with abs on their forehead, not till she looks fantastic.

Tilly with the abs on her forehead.

Very very nice, great makeout session as well with Felix. Felix is getting stuck.

You're right there.

Sorry, Look, I'm just really enjoying watching Felix do his thing.

Well, something that I thought was pretty notable to bring up. And I think that this is completely overproduced. Tell me if you think that I'm I disagree if I'm being too much of it was beautiful and negative, Nancy, it was beautiful. So the very last date is Felix on a date. The girl named Abigail who brings her pussy to her date. She brings her kitty cat in her backpack. She is a self proclaimed crazy cat lady. I have lady a fucking time because I am lady in a cat.

She rocked up with this little scooter thing and she had twelve cats with her. She had twelve. The whole time was she's.

Like she had one of them was jumping out of her hair.

Yeah. Literally, she was just like trying to like retain the cats on the day and then.

It's like that woman on the Simpsons. She opens the door on the cats fall out onto the street. One is like in a cleavage.

She was throwing cats at Felix. She wouldn't kiss Felix until he started kissing the cats.

No, she wouldn't. She wouldn't kiss Felix until he started to me out and lick her like a cat. Okay, this has got anyway, lots of cats. Her name is Abigail.

Put the record, there was one cat.

Yeah, and the cat's name was Minnie or Mimi. I heard the name so many times I remembered the cat's name more than I remembered half the girl's names on the speed dates. Okay, but the thing that I think has contrived is Felix went on this speed date with Abigail, who's super lovely, and he wants to give her a rose, but he's got no roses left, no more dunt dunda.

You're the kind of person that watches an action flick and they're like, no way it all he'd be able to survive if he fell off that.

It was so to me, it was like an unnecessary fake Jeopardy.

Just enjoy it for what it is, fake jeopardy. Just enjoy the twelve cats flying across the screen. It was it was beautiful. Okay, look all at all. There were thirty girls I got roses, and I think it's fair to say the ones that didn't get a rose took it really well. He seemed like a bit of a dick anyway.

And to be honest, all.

Right, we're coming to the end of episode one, Thank the Lord. So episode one finishes at the cocktail party. However, it's not a cocktail party anymore, Matthew.

But it is a cocktail party.

It's it's it's a house party. It's a dingy house party. Now it's a Gold Coast house.

Party's like, hey, there's no fairy lights you can see anywhere around here.

Okay, wait, why is Osha shitting on the old Bachelor so hard? Like he's like, there's no fake candles, no fairy lights, no fake flowers. Yeah, it wasn't the fairy lights. All the fake flowers, all the candles that were the fucking problem, and.

Also a couple of fairy lights wouldn't hurt anybody.

What is the face? The face it kind of like reminds me of like a big Brother thing, the face on the outside of the building that they keep flashing to every so often.

For anyone who hasn't seen the show so far, the Batch mansion is this like white building and it has this face where it's just like the outline of like the like is it a Picasso.

It's an abstract artwork of a face and.

It personally I like it. I think it's a nice touch.

That's why you aren't in control of anything that has to do with interiors.

And however, the girl who studied fine arts is like, oh my god, that is what is that?

I don't understand. I don't understand why it's used as like the reset. Every time it goes to ad break, it's like dim dim and it goes to that base.

It's like the big Brother.

I yes, it's the Big Brother. I do you know what? Maybe it's trying to I feel like this season is trying to be a cross between like Love Island, The Bachelor, Maths and a bit of Big Brother.

It is a bit of Badge in Paradise, I find no let's talk about the cocktail party.

Okay, all right, So this episode ends with not a cocktail party, it's a house party. And the thing that happens that's like everyone's like, oh my god, no shock ha ha ha. And it goes on for about ten minutes too long. Is that all the girls find out that there's not one, but there's actually three bachelors, and it's truly shocking for them. They can't believe that that's

Well? I do feel like everybody would look to Felix as being Numero uno.

Yeah, except for the way that he behaves on the next episode, which will get to very shortly. Maybe now, I was like, are we where are we going? Maybe to an ad break? Take this time to go to the toilet, get a refreshment, and we'll be back around a second.

Let's talk about episode two. Cocktail party. But it's not a cocktail party. It's a house party thing.

I'm glad you finally agree with me. It's not a cocktail party. It's a house but it is.

A cocktail party.

No, it's it's a school's house party. There's no roses. Once again, there's no candles. There's no twinkles, no champagne. No, they looked like they were drinking.

They were champagne.

Sorry, they actually looked like they were drinking margaritas. And that's a cocktail party. I can get behind spicy marks anyone. Hello. Do you know who did look like that had a few spicy marks? Tash when she walked in and just passed jed in front of everyone.

That was aggressive, Wasn't it?

So?

Okay? There was a lot of passion that went on at this cocktail party. Some of it we feel more strongly about than others.

I don't think there's ever been a make out session in full view of everyone.

Yes, there has as there. Yes, do you remember when a Laura tried to kiss you?

Yeah? No, but it didn't actually happen.

Should be fine about that again now.

Like, okay, stop record. Laura's had twelve gins.

So she's going to try and fight me about something that I don't care about anymore.

But I don't think anyone. I don't think there's always been attempts at kisses a cocktail parties, but I don't think there's actually been like a full on mayke out session, do you know? In full view? I agree, I agree, I agree, agree, I agree with me, thank you.

I feel no, No, I think it was did matt Ig knew somebody? Somebody? No, it was Lucky someone did it and we were like, oh, the dirty pash rat, like someone has done it before. There has always been an unspoken rule. No one cares about the rules anymore, of course, but look, we are old school. We cared about them at the time because we had to stick

Know that people are hooking up. It needs to be out of sight, out of mind.

And the reason for that is because it's kind of. It's not so much the fact that you're like, oh my god, they actually really are making out with someone. Oh it hurts my feelings. It's not about not seeing it. It's the act of feeling like somebody is manipulating you in a way. So like, let me describe this properly, but it's like if you see somebody at a cocktail party make out with the bachelor, it's a real manipulation tool for them to be like, I have got this

Aback head is quick. Yeah, to be honest, I didn't even see it.

I was I looked at your phone, I looked.

Away for a second, look back, and you're like, oh my god, Tash and Jed have just made out.

But that didn't seem to have a lot of backlash. The one that did have the most backlash the one that has been causing Oh, at a stir of god, let's talk about Felix.

Ah, Felix for a moment there. Episode one. I was really into you, and then.

They did the old bait and switch. Although I do feel that to do a bait and switch by episode two, it's a bit early in the season.

Yeah, he really did. He didn't want any quickly, didn't he.

Is he showing his through colors or has he gotten a bad edit?

I think he's just gotten carried away. I think because it is it is easy on you know. It's just like, this is a few days into filming. All of a sudden, he's surrounded by ten beautiful women, and he's like, do you know what I'm going to get fucking stuck in? And he's like, and he's and he's got the mentality of I'm Stacky English, but it just was so bogus. I've been watching to get Stacky, that's the thing. And he kind of has this mentality of like I deserve this.

He is like a kid in a candy store.

Literally is there. We cut back to Felix and he's there with his cock out and he's massive. He's masturbating furiously in the corner in the pool is illegal, and everyone's like, oh my god, Felix, and he's like, I'm the bachelor, let me have my moment. And it's it's confronting, it really is.

And then he got arrested and the season was finished. No, Okay, what he did do is he was the one that was instigating the kissing and it was obviously just with Tilly, and it was in front of all of the girls. Like he was he did not care how anybody felt.

And to be honest, but how can you anyone with any kind of emotional intelligence would know that doing that is going to absolutely rattle everybody else.

I can piss everyone, Like if that was me and I was in that house and I had been match with Felix, and I know that there was one girl who did leave, but you know, like she left and she said, I've just come out of a relationship. I don't feel like I'm emotionally in the right place to deal with this. The thing is the woman who left, her name was Ella. She said she didn't feel like she was emotionally ready for this. I reckon, she is

He is such a dirty dribbler.

Basketball to get the pun dirty dribble, Felix the dirty dribbler. So Felix dribbled all over Tilly and.

Then twice locations.

Tilly went inside and then they relocated to another area. She dirty.

She was like, all right, I'm going to leave you you can talk to other women. And he was like ah, and like hunted her down, like another corner of the Batch Mansion.

To be fair, the second time she looked like she was more into it than the first. The first time she actually looked like she had a grimace on.

A blanket, and they just covered their faces as if like, oh, that's kind of no.

It's like when Marley or Lola they want to play hard and seek and they just pull the blanket over their heads, like no one could see me. Mummy, where did I go? That's literally what Tilly? Oh my god, it was a bit of a disaster. And look, I think unfortunately from this this is kind of really set a precedent with the girls as much as a lot of the girls are still wanting time and they're still

But also also it's up to Felix.

Things can change.

Felix is getting a little excited. But let's let's not rule them out entirely just now. We've got a long way to go to the end.

Now. To be fair, so many people at this point in time, may claim editing, may claim Frank combining, like, there's lots of different ways that somebody can be cast to be a bit of a villain. But in saying that and assuming that the edit is not trying to fuck Felix, like assuming that, you know, and I don't know if the Bachelor would intentionally try and like frame one of their main characters.

I think, like, I don't know, I might sacrifice. There's three of them, so they're like, hey, we could, we can make everyone turn on one of you because we've got two others.

Because this is something they've never done before. I feel like in the past they've always protected their bachelor's or bachelorettes and kind of like, you know, they will always get the hero edit because they are the main character. But I guess with having three people, I'm just trying to give benefit of the dart. I'm trying to play Tevil's advocate here. Maybe Felix is kind of getting a bit of a dud edit because it works to have this dynamic between the three different bachelors.

Yeah, well, we've always had a villain, but it's always been a woman, and all of a sudden, now we've got potentially a villain who's going to be one of the leads.

And to be fair, look I mean editing aside, he's certainly not doing himself any favors.

In this process.

If I've got a connection with someone, I'm going to kiss them.

I'm not going to hold myself back at risk of offending someone else.

If they're insecure with that, then it's off putting to me. Yeah, this whole thing is so much easier at three am at a nightclub.

I don't regret kissing silly. I regret getting caught kissing silly.

So I got carried away.

Not a bad way would get carried away again.

Yes, there is so much going on at this point, and now we've only covered Felix and he's like kissing little makeout sessions, but there was more. How much do you love that noise?

I hate it so much.

I do it to Matt all the time whenever, like he's like, hey, honey, you give me a kiss, and then I'll like make that noise at him.

And it's now made its o into the podcast and.

It repulses him so much that he's just like he dries up like the Sahara can you be wet then to start with them?

Oh my gosh, just keep going, like, let's just let's just steamroll through this.

You dry out like the Sahara. Do shrivel? Do you shrivel up like a little reason.

Having fun over there. You're so proud of your jokes.

Okay, there was a kiss that we forgot to mention.

Is this There's just so.

Many that were going on. But Jed Jed Jed had another little pash, not the pash with tash, the tash pash he pashed and girl he passed another.

Girl, Alicia, yes Elsa Eliza.

Alicia Alicia, who was the ice skating girl. So he pashed her out in the front lawn and the garden. No one saw, which I know, like, it's weird. It's weird that it's okay to pash someone if no one sees it. But it seems to be a bit better.

I was a little outrage at all the kissing going on, But now I'm also looking at Thomas and being like, come on, mate, hurry.

Up, lift your game.

What are you waiting for?

Nice? No one likes a nice guy. Thomas picked last. I bet you Thomas is the one that doesn't end up getting proposed the proposing anyone.

Oh bless his cotton.

So bet you are Felix and Jed and they're going to end up breaking up within three months as soon as the contract ends. That's a joke. There is no contract. Okay, you are okay. So the house party ends, they go on a group date.

Think about the group date, is that only those who go on a group date are able to be eliminated.

They are, And I guess that that's one of the other double edged sword. I kind of like that though. I think that if you go on a group date, and it's like it makes sense that you should be up for elimination because that's the people who have had the most time with the bachelor's I don't I don't dislike that change the format, but I do agree with you, Matt. When you kind of think about it, it was like, you.

Know that was so formal. Well, yes, I do agree with you, Matt.

Well you're not fucking wrong. But what I'm saying is I kind of agree with you. They have a group date. The thing that has gotten everybody riled up about this group date, the reason why Felix has become the dirty dribbler and the public enemy number one is because he got all his girls together. He apologized for kissing Tilly

This is great, he's learning. Yeah, good on him. Until hang on a second, Felix, what are you doing?

Is that, Naomi, that you've got your tongue down?

Literally sees one girl in a bikini and he can't help himself.

He's just he's so shallow. I think he's just a very shallow creature. I'm honestly so surprised that not more girls have walked out, Like if that was you, I mean, this is a weird thing to ask if you were in that situation and you were one of the girls, would you stay, like, would you wait around and hope that Felix pitched you, or would you by this point in time be like, this is a real mind fuck. I'm not.

It's it's so hard because you're right at the very beginning and you're like, I don't want to No, I've just started this marathon, you know, I'm literally moments into it. I don't want to then throw my toys out of the pram and leave, not knowing what could have been. Obviously, it's not looking good at this stage right now. But you're like, surely, you're thinking to yourself, I've got to give it. It's a little bit of time to see if this guy is actually a massive player or not.

Finally, one hundred percent, And do you know this is the thing. Right For so long, we've all complained about how boring The Bachelor is. We've all complained that it's formulaic, We've all complained that it's carbon copy. All the things I said earlier this, Do I think that this is going to save the Batch franchise? Not necessarily. No. I think that people are kind of over, you know, just they're just over in general.

But what do I really want to see how this plays out with Felix? Absolutely?

Yeah, And I think that you can dislike people right like we You know, I can watch Felix on TV and I cannot like the way he's behaving. I cannot like him as a person whatever it is, I don't know him, But as a character on a show, I cannot like that. But I still think it makes for

What is so? For anyone out there thinking how do I behave at a pool party? Little lesson, don't do it. Don't do what Felix does.

Everything Felix does does do the opposite.

Yeah, young guys out there listening, write this.

Down three women go home on this episode. No one knows who they are, where they come from. I don't even think we've seen their faces.

One had short hair, one was blonde, one of black hair. Rest in Peace.

Episode number three, Well, don't things get spicy in this one? The do you know what we do? Okay, so you guys understand a bit of the behind the scenes of recording. We we record like each episode, we kind of like sit down together, we unpack like the episode we record episode one, and we take a quick break we record episode two.

And when we say quick break, it's to get more gin.

So as these episodes progress, we just get slightly more tipsy and we're having a fucking great time, but also the quality of the unpacking goes rapidly downhill. So I asked Matt to make me another gin and he said no, we.

Were happy to have another one. I don't think you need any more.

He was like, how the fuck are you gonna edit this? And I was like, that's that's latest problem. He's like, they're not words. I was like, yeah, for later problem.

But also, who's going to get up in the middle of the night you.

Because I will still be awake editing these Sorry, this great episode.

How dare you know?

What they say? You can't polish a turd, But the truth is you can. You can polish about young cut episode.

And this is why I didn't give you another gin. Listen to how you are talking right now? Episode three. You don't know me?

Okapisode three.

We've not spoken about Tash. Obviously, she's been there since episode one.

She brought me, but she's not an intruder.

No, we haven't. We've not mentioned her. We mentioned her episode one, she brought dogs to the park. She wanted to look up with Felix. Jed rocked up and she was like, what the but then was just in it to win it with Jed. Yeah, I don't see any kind of chemistry with Jed whatsoever.

So unpacking Tash a little bit, I mean I do see the chemistry now, but I feel like she jumped from being like, oh, Felix is my perfect type to now being like Jed is my They're very, very diff different people.

It literally could have rolled out a fucking log and she'd be like, he's great. I love him. I can't wait for him to meet my parents. This is going to be fantastic.

And our chemistry is amazing.

Literally, anybody could have rocked up and she would have gone in hook line and sinker.

Okay, so tash Pool's jedocide because she has some dirt on one of the other girls. One of the girls. Her name's Jessica. She is Felix's favorite girl. It is kind of how she's been framed at this point in time.

Anyway, looks like Holly, looks like Holly.

You think she looks like Holly from Jimmy, She's one hundred percent.

I'm surprised no one's talking about she doesn't look.

Like Holly at all. She just has blonde hair.

She looks like Holly. Put a post on Life on cart and say is this not holy? And people will be like, oh my god, I'm mind blown.

No, she looks nothing like Holly. She just has blonde hair. But the thing that's so interesting about this point in this conversation is that Jessica has been framed as being this like sweet, wholesome, wholesome, your wife Matia, just like the perfect girl that Felix will eventually pick at the end once he finishes making out with every single other person. That's kind of like where we're getting to. However, Tash has some dirty secrets that she has to uncover and

Damien is that his name? His name is Damien. Hey Damien, if you're listening right now, either from Townsville. Oh, that's as much as I know.

My dad lives in Townsville. Maybe Terry Byrn can go say hello to Damien and Jessica probably not.

That that Laura Burn was unhelpful was a terrible joke. I'm just going to pull you up right now and say, I mean, I'm not even going to fake laugh.

Oh for that one, how often did you fake laugh?

Never?

Okay, So Tash pulls jedocide to tell Jed that Jessica you reckon.

Anyone knows who the any of these people are? No, because Damien said to Tash that jess wasn't there, which is why Jed was angry at Felix.

And Terry Burn is going, Okay, let's try and get on, let's try and make sense of this and with you and with you.

So Tasha says to Jed, yep that Jessica, yeah, yeah, go on.

That Jessica is in a polyamorous relationship with who with the guy, and then bump bump bum doom doom. They go and they tell Felix. And so the big problem is.

Is that it's just hang on a second. It doesn't make any sense because Tash is not even trying to get with Felix. She's with Jed.

But she likes the drama, and so she comes at it with the opinion of like, well, I would want to know if someone I was dating was in a polyamorous relationship. Of course, of course you would want to know if someone you're dating's in a polyamorous relationship. However, let's get really clear, jess has not made out with Felix.

Jess has literally, oh, well, hang on a second, that we know of.

She hasn't. We haven't seen it. They've spoken for twenty minutes on a speed dating She hasn't had the opportunity all the time to actually tell her about her sexuality, about her relationship preferences. She hasn't been given that opportunity to share something that is very intimate about herself. But not only is it very intimate about herself, it's something that the wider public deemers being shameful. And that's the thing.

Poor old Felix, he doesn't take the news well at all? Does He is rattled?

Considering that Felix is currently in a polyamorous relationship and is making out with everybody else. I feel like he should be okay with it. What's good for the goose should be good for the gander.

Felix, isn't it rich that he's there being like, how dare you? I mean?

I think? And we do. We see it later on as well, because Tash is kind of using people's quote unquote weaknesses against them as a way of like pitting these people, like pipping them out of the competition, getting rid of them.

But again, it doesn't make any sense because Jess isn't competition for her because she's with Jed and Jess's with Felix. So what is she fucking doing.

Maybe she's using it as a way of getting closer to Felix. She's like, well, I had this information and I felt like I needed to tell you because I only want what's best for you and your friend.

Well, yeah, I guess it works because she then gets a single date.

She gets a single date, she becomes vulnerable, she's upset that everyone's against her, and she gets a single date.

And also, hang on a second, I guess the relationship between Jed and Felix would progress a lot quicker given that, you know, then becomes apparent that Jed is like, hey, dude, I'm looking out for you. Any information that I get, I'm coming straight to you for it.

Yeah, And I mean the reason why I say that I feel like it's a bit manipulative is because.

I hang on, it's very manipulative.

Well, the reason why I say that is because of something that happens a little bit further on in this episode as well, which if you watched it you would know, but if you didn't, Oh, the suspense is coming. So now we progress into the single dates and every like, each one of the bachelor's gets to choose someone. Felix was supposed to choose Jessica, that's who he wanted to have a single date with, but because of the whole

I did think it was weird that he did that, Like, surely he could have just picked somebody else, Right, he's got he's got nine or eight other women to choose from the other two.

So Jed goes on a date with Tash.

Yeah, I got nothing from that date.

Also from that so Thomas also chose to go on a date with Leah. Now we haven't spoken about Leah yet, and she is just the most sweet, divine, like wonderful little thing who she's never been in a she's never been.

In love, even in love.

But she she said something that I thought was so beautiful. She has this fear about being left on the shelf and that maybe love is gonna like miss her or she's me left out of it, and she seems to be really throwing herself into this whole experiment.

Can I say one thing, yes, my only bit of doubt. I do agree everything she's saying is quite beautiful, and you know, I think a lot of people can relate, myself included. But then at the same time, she has been on The Proposal, the Channel seven show where you literally meet someone and then by the end you get proposed to.

She was on that one, so you think maybe she's a bit of a little reality TV.

Okay, I do, I do. I think she's saying addict. Don't want to sound like I'm being skeptical here, but everything she is saying is so perfect. It's coming from someone who's been down this path before on reality TV or watched a lot.

Of Bachelor and knows exactly the thing to say.

Absolutely.

I mean, I think she is like beautifully lovable. The only thing I was wondering And you were like, can go either way? Do you think she's getting the clinger edit?

Well, you one hundred percent, she definitely is getting the clinger edit. But it's it's being done in a way which makes her seem so vulnerable and relatable, and I think people are really warming to her, which is nice to see.

Yeah, I think the same thing. I was like, you know, because she So we haven't spoken about Leah yet, but she actually seems to be quite an important player in a piece in the puzzle so far, because she's one of Thomas's favorite girls.

Because they literally had a speed date again twenty minutes, and off the back of that, she was like, holy crap, this guy is amazing. I've never had a date that's been as amazing as this. But then at the same time, Thomas was also in tears off the back of their speed date.

And she has also cried multiple times. I mean we're talking, it's like it's probably day five in all of filming, like it's day three, it's the third episode, probably day five of filming. And both of them have cried multiple times when they've been each other's company. So that's pretty reassuring that things are going well.

Can we talk about their date, the fact that it was just just a swing, just a swing hanging there from the branch of a tree. I mean, gone to the days of single dates being helicopters and super yachts and you know Ferraris, it's a swing. It's a swing. Budget cuts. That was it.

No no cheeseboard, not even a cheeseboard. Even if I think that Lee is going to be there until the end, I think she's going to be maybe not the final, but I think she's going to be a very strong player.

And then it was time for a group date. But hey, look, let's be honest. Nothing really happened on this group date.

I mean they went to Dreamland and jed Dreamland or it's a dream world. Oh Dreamland closed down because people passed away. That was awful. There was a terrible, terrible accident laughing dream World, dream World, great place to visit.

Highly recommended, Family Pass fifty four five. Be mad not to do it.

After the group date, it was back to another house party where some people went home. But the thing about this house party, which was also.

You mean Rose ceremonial.

Wasn't there a house party or was it just Ros?

I don't reckon that was a house party, to be honest, all the episodes are kind of blurring into one right now.

So much bachel Litte, It's so much content to get through that. I don't know who I am. I don't even know who's gone home.

Is there anyone still listening to this episode? Probably not for your hand up.

If you are, send us a message. If if you go on to this point in the episode, just send us a message and say it was me I got there, because.

We need some kind of encouragement to come back for week terms.

Trust me, watching all these episodes back to back is hard work. And it's now very late in the night anyway. Okay, so we go into a rose ceremony. But the thing about this rose ceremony, once again the format thrown out the window. When you're in a rose ceremony, traditionally you are not allowed to speak, so you walk.

Can't breathe, can't breathe, I have to hold your breath.

Why everyone faints as as soon.

As you walk in out like okay, that's it, big breath, that's it.

No, okay, but genuinely, I'm not thanks for clarifying.

Are allowed to breathe, Row ceremony room.

But you can't speak. So we would walk into that Row ceremony room and Rifka, who is like our producer unless she was like that, she was the boss person at the time.

She'd have a cane and she'd whip you for you.

She was like, don't speak to each other, don't even look at each other, look at the front, look pensive, look sad. So we all had to stand there and look sad, even if we weren't sad, even if we were just a bit drunk and all had the giggles. We had to stop and do it again and again and again and again.

You're telling me at all those times you had quite a somber look on your face, says you were staring into my eyes.

The amount of times they made us re record the fucking rose ceremony, tell me, because we were all a bit drunk and giggling and they needed us to look sad.

I don't want to hear.

It over and over. Okay, So normally you can't speak in a rose ceremony. You've got to be really somber and pensive because it's very sad. Someone's going home. However, the girls kick off and have like a little fisticuffs. Jasmine gets upset that Tash has uncovered Jessica's secret and told Felix and told Jed. But then things really escalate.

I thought, just for a second, I thought it was very very rude that in a group setting, like Osha was kind of saying like, hey, you know you had a single day, good on you, and Tasha's like, yeah, you know, I'm someone who I think has the attributes of what it takes to be in a relationship with Jed. Osha says, what do you think it is? And she's like, I'm honest, unlike jess over here who's got a boyfriend and just tries to call her out in front of everybody.

But the thing that I so so, the thing I mentioned earlier where I was like, I think that Tasha's behavior was like weaponized manipulation is because so she added Jessica and the fact that she's in a polyamorous relationship. But then in the same episode, she also outed the fact that Jasmine, who is the girl that she was having a bit of a fight with at the Row ceremony, she outed that Jasmine had an OnlyFans account. Now we saw this play out on Maths, We're going to see

It was disgusting behavior. Can I just say loved Love Love, Love of Love?

Crystal the Voice of Reason.

Yeah, they go from Essex. She was there like absolutely not. This is shit. I'm going to call it out. I'm going to defend it. Obviously. It gets a little bit messy when people are kind of because in the row ceremony rooms there's like the three clusters of girls, so they kind of like at each other from across the room.

But also, are we not at a time like I mean, it's twenty twenty three, is it twenty twenty three? Who fucking knows it's twenty twenty three. We have seen this storyline play out on many reality TV shows now, Like how can somebody like Tash not have watched last season of MAVs and know that nothing good is going to come out of it for her by by trying to

I feel sorry for her. I really think that she's Tash. Yeah, I do, because I think, deep down, I think she probably has a lot of insecurities, and you know, I think the wrath that she's going to feel right now from the viewers of this show, I'm like, oh, you know, I just hope that she's strong enough to come out the other end and also be aware of what her actions were like and how disrespectful they were, and how she needs to have a lot more empathy.

I think that that's a really important way that we can kind of head towards wrapping this episode, is that all the things that we talk about All the things that we unpack on this are purely based on the stuff that we've seen on the show, all that we've experienced ourselves because we've done the show. But obviously we all need to be super aware that editing plays a huge part in this. That these people who are on

Laura Burn that was very well said from someone who's had twelve gins goodness me, how you're still being articulate. I'll never know put it.

On at my tombstone, but I feel like that is you've got your hand. I was going to say, we're wrapping the episode.

I am. Can I just say, just really really quickly shout out to Abby Emma and I can't remember if it was Pallen, Callen or Fallon. She went home.

Oh, we had three more people who left who nobody knew who they were, but we never knew you.

I did enjoy it. Just for the record, I know that it was different. People are saying it's a hot mess. One key reason why I did really enjoy the first three episodes is that every season that I've watched previously, after our season, I've always been able to guess it. I've always been able to guess who was going to end up with the Bachelor or Bachelor.

I have no fucking idea, no.

Idea, And that's great, That's exactly what I wanted. I think that overall, I'm still coming to terms with the new format, but I'm into it. I like it.

As a man who doesn't like change.

I'm episode three, episode two, I wasn't sure Episode three. I'm into it. Also, when they were teasing what happens in episode four and five, there's a lot of drama. I'm into it. I like it.

I watched episode one and I was like, this is a shit show. I cannot believe we have to watch so many episodes now that we've committed to doing bat Chun Kat. I watched episode two and I was like, Oh, there's a lot happening here. I have feelings this is qunjuring up some stuff. And then I watched episode three and I was like, I think I enjoy this, and I feel weird about it and conflicted, but I'm I'm fucking I am strapped in.

It's a bit like anal sex right.

Hey, the third time is always a charm. Anyway, guys, that is it from us. It has been a long time between drinks. I say that because it's been a long time since we've had a Life Uncut episode. Come into your libraries, Matty Jay. I love making these.

Episodes with you and I love them too.

Laura Byrne, thank you the end.

Good luck editing this. I'll see you in bed.

Okay. Anyway, you know the drill. Guys, Tell your mom, tell your dad, tell your friends and your dog, and I, though I always forget it, brid it always says it shad alaw because we love love