BACH UNCUT - Inspiration, energy & orgasms

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This episode was recorded on Gadigal Land of the Urura Nation and also on Bungeelong Country. Hi guys, and welcome back to another episode of Not Life on Cut. It is that chun cut and I am Laura Burn.

I am Laura's husband. My name is Maddie j W.

I just say I'm Laura Burn and like I had to introduce my whole name just to really drive it home. There's a lot of people change my name.

A lot of people who maybe joined us at the very first time who don't know who you are or who I am.

Well, I'm glad that we've got that sald.

Is it weird that do you ever call me your husband?

M Yeah, Like I mean, I've transitioned from my partner to my husband. Although I did get around for a week last week without wearing my wedding rings because they were giving me dermatitis.

And how convenience.

I got hit on in this sauna. It's no, okay, no go on.

Well no, I'm just annoyed because I was out the front of the sauna being like, where the hell is Laura, because we were late for picking up the kids, and I'm like, I don't get a hit on fire, but make it quick.

To me there. It wasn't my fault. I did nothing wrong. I just wanted to sit in the sauna in peace, and this person came and sat very close and then wanted to know my life story. And then you were at the front of the.

Sauna pointing at my wrist watch going here right time the kids.

Just to set what actually happened is I was in the sauna. This man sat down next to me, and then he started making small talk. He was being polite. He didn't do anything that was like unto ward. He didn't ask me out on a date, but it was like the beginnings of flirtation.

What was he wearing, dts He.

Was wearing yespetos oh good body, but he was in perfect shape. But I'm having this conversation with him, and I was trying to find the right opportunity to slip into the conversation that I had a husband and two children. And then all of a sudden, Matt walks in front of the windows of the sauna.

My face against the glass, trying to peer in to see where you are, because it's quite it's very dark in the sauna. You can't see where people are.

And it's quite foggy. And so there's Matt with his face up against the window and he's just looking at me, pointing at his watch, like, look at the time, and so that, yeah, that was it. That's the first time I've been hit on.

Sorry years years, My apologies for cramping his style in there, but good on him for flirting with you in this because I can only imagine how sweaty you would have.

Been peak sweatiness. You won't even look at me if I'm unshowered. If you can't have me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best. Mage Johnson, go back in the sawn and then you can come with me.

Look, no, hang on, I've got to confess. It's not a competition to the fact that I've also had multiple women.

How often do you get hit on? Because like, truly, I know that I'm bringing this up and we're having a joke about it, but I reckon genuinely. That's the only time I've been hit on in the last year. Yeah, I mean like when I say last year, I don't mean like twenty days. Yeah, I mean in the last year.

Look, it doesn't happen often. Most women come up to me and say, I love Laura, the podcast is great and your kids are gorgeous, and I'm like, get one something.

Oh no, you don't.

I know, I don't say that. I did on Sunday, just gone have a lady come up to me and I'm pretty sure she was hitting on me.

Oh how did that go for you?

Very awkward? What happens so awkward? I was at the bar.

Was it awkward when you told her that you had two children and you were in a relationship?

Well, do you know? It's one of those things when someone is in the beginning phases of hitting on you, like they're not really hitting on you, they're just being friendly, and.

You don't want to be presumptuous because you don't want to be the person who's like, all this person's being nice, are they flirting with me?

It's like someone goes, hey, how are you? And you excuse me, I'm married. How dare you? You don't want to be that dick, do Youah?

Oh, no, I want you to be that dick.

I was at the bar waiting for the bartender. I was looking at a photo on my phone of the kids, like our kids, plus nieces and nephews, lots of kids, all the children. Yeah, just have a phone just full of kids.

If we have twenty four of them.

There was literally there was so many kids in the one shot. And then she came up to me and said what are you doing? And it was just it was a weird moment where I had the photo of the kids on my phone, and.

I also a weird thing to just approach someone when they're on their phone, probably ordering a drink, and then saying what are you doing phone?

Unless she was like what are you actually doing looking at a photo of kids? But but I was kind of like, oh, you know, just just having a drink. And then she said what do you do for work?

And you were like, I drink gin and I untang them.

Have you not been listening.

At midnight when our children are asleep? But that's what I do?

No, I said, I think I said a bit of this bit of that, and she looked really good. Yeah, And I was like a little so mysterious, And then in my head I was like, just tell her what you've been doing. And for those who aren't familiar, I've been filling in doing the weather on weekend today. So I answered the question with I'm a weather man, and she looked so confused.

You've done the weather three times.

And well, technically I am a weather man.

Okay, how does the actual regular weather man feel about you saying that you're the weather man.

I'm not saying it to everyone, am I. I'm not ordering a coffee and going by the way top of twenty four today. It's you know, it never happens. Let me have I can drop it once.

Okay, you can say yes, yes, And what was her reaction at that time? And also do you think she was hitting on you or was she just being polite?

Ah?

I don't know, can't tell. I can't tell. She did say you guys always get it wrong, and then she walked away safe to say, I think I've still got it.

Laura Burn, Well, that's you and me put it their power keep you. Last week, you're joined the turbulent ride that was you and I unpacking three episodes of The Bachelor and this week. This week we thought we were unpacking three episodes of The Bachelor, and.

Then because no, yeah, someone mentioned it in Life on cart They're like, there's four episodes this week, and I was like, shut up, Yeah.

They can't do that. They can't have fourteen hours of The Bachelor or one week of episode. No, no, there was four episodes.

What are they doing?

We were up to three am in the morning getting last week's episode finished. We decided that instead of killing ourselves, we're just gonna unpack three episodes and then we're gonna give you a little mini bonus ep with the last episode, because Jesus Christ, nobody can unpack that much Bachelor. Just in the saying that nobody can watch that much Bachelor in one week.

How many episodes do you think they'll be next week?

It's the rest of the whole season.

If it ends next week, I mean, there's surelie there's not enough episodes left in the tank to keep on giving these extra episodes.

Well, I think it was episode five where Osha came in and he kept on repeating that we were halfway through the season, so that would suggest to me that there's two more weeks.

Yes, if this one's three episodes.

And then we have a mini episodes, So this is four, four.

Five, six, and then seven is a little added bonus, little cherry on top.

And this has been a real journey. We started recording this episode in Sydney. We're finishing recording this episode in Barrons. We're heading away on holidays.

And I've got a sow neck all right, really badly?

Should we get into this?

My liver is like, where's all this gin coming from? What the fuck?

What is happening? There has been a lot of chatter in last like in the Facebook.

Can we get a sponsor?

Normally when you have alcohol sponsors come on an episode, it's all about the responsible service of alcohol. And here's you and I just the drunk parents at eleven o'clock at night, My.

Love, Can we get a cucumb a sponsor? Because there is I'm gonna say half in my drink right now.

So I was making it and then I went onto autopilot and forgot that I was making G and T's and I thought I was making a salad.

The tomatoes in here as well, the goats thread It was a weird choice, but.

It kind of works all right. So on today's episode, we are unpacking, as we said, episode four, five and six.

With anyone who may be unfamiliar with what happened episode one, two and three. The big drama is with Oh.

No, no, no no, let's just you go back and listen to the episode. Don't have time to recat so the downloads.

Let's recap the recab. Fuck, how long is this going to be?

If you want to know what happened on the last three episodes, go and listen to the other episode. Okay, we're going to get into episode number four.

Thank you for stopping.

God, somebody's got to hold you back. Okay, this episode kicks off with Tash. Now, Tash, if you can even remember, it feels like so long ago. Now Tash's apologizing to Jessica for outing the fact that she's in a polyamorous relationship with Damien.

That feels like that was last month.

It was truly in bachelor times. It probably happened about three weeks ago. Yes, because so much there's been so much content, So she apologizes. She doesn't really mean it though. Oh so yesterday all the girls were attacking me because I revealed to Jed that Jessica's got a boyfriend. Well, I don't feel like I have anything to really apologize for, so.

We come out of the world's worst apology I've ever heard. But now, Laura, it is time for the group dates. And the thing about these group dates is that they've all been based around something that's of interest for the bachelor's is that what does that make sense? Something of interest? Anyway, Felix is going to win.

Wild because Felix's favorite thing in the world is wet women in bikinis.

Oh stuck on the Gold Coast, it.

Went and wild by beautiful women. It's tough hanging out with girls at bikinis all day. I've been through some tough periods of my life, and I'd probably put this somewhere near the bottom seven hundred of those. But it's a beautiful.

Day right now. He's staring at all the girls in bikinis, and those girls aren't even the ones that are on the group date. Random girls that went wild. Everyone's like producers are like Felix. Girls over here on the right side.

They'll give me more. Then we leave. When Wild we go to Thomas's date, and Thomas is doing something that he represents who he is, so of course he is on a wellness retreat.

Of course he bloody is, isn't he?

And what way to better get to know someone than to say absolutely nothing and stare into their eyes.

I find these types of activities just so woo woo.

You are not open and willing enough.

How I am. I'm very open, thank you very much.

Really, remember when we tried to do we tried to do the intimacy challenge and I loved it and steer into you got the giggles and couldn't stare into my eyes. You don't even know who I am. Revealed so much of you that I didn't even know was there.

You were like an onion and I was peeling off layers.

You don't know who I am in my soul?

I know I'm looking at it right now, and who am I? It's beautiful. These activities, come on, admit they're just stupid.

I think that you and I. Unfortunately for us, we rate very low down when it comes to like wellness and meditation stuff. We don't have a lot of like bandwidth for it. Whereas for somebody who is very much into meditation and into like soul connection and those conversations. They would get a lot out of this date and clearly didn't have to say one single word to Kiki because he got a lot out of the date.

You just show unconditional love to the people around you planet, like literally everything. It's just amazing to be in your presence. And then at one point, I also saw a little bit of pain that I think made you who you are today. And yeah, you should be so proud of yourself, you know you like it at the most. One of the most amazing humans I've met.

Do you know who else was feeling a bit of pain? The poor other girls on the group date because they have to sit there staring at each other while Keikey and Thomas get all the attention.

Yeah, that's a bad call. That's not really a it's not a group date activity, is it. That's a single date activity.

You'd be like, what the fuck am I doing here?

Why are the other girls sitting there steering into each other's eyes?

Yeah?

Are they going to start dating? What's what? Thomas? What are you thinking?

Mate?

Yeah? They got the short straw. That was very I reckon, I'm going to call it. Now we're almost halfway through the series. I reckon, it's keiky. I reckon, she's getting it.

I feel like he is into herbit. What about Leah. Let's not forget that he cried when he had the speed.

Day, but she's had no fucking time. No, I forgot the leader even exists.

Is Leah still there?

She left? She didn't really?

Okay, let's talk about.

Jed all right, Jed? I forgot what Jed did? What did Jed?

So?

Jed went to the Sachi and you were like, oh my god, this place is crazy. There's a Vasacei hotel.

And I don't sound like that you did?

You did? I was like you, okay, Laura, But I was like we.

Should go there. This is great advertising.

I've actually never been there.

No, I just saw like from the very first couple of shots, I was like, wow, this looks very Versacei esque. And then you looked at me like I was like I was just woken up from a coma. You were like, it is the versaty a versace Sorry for being so uncultured, such an uncultured swine.

Well, I've always.

Done such a sweaty potato.

You I mean, your word's not mine. But I've always ard about the Bassace in Coeens and I feel like it's a thing. Oh I wonder why there's no Versaci in Sydney of Melbourne.

Only in the Gold Coast classy VERSACEI it's.

Very Gold Coast. But Jed was drinking champagne and he was having a panther session, so the girls and him were just getting the nails done.

I feel like that was the world's most boring group date, Like nothing happened. That's kind of like a mini cocktail party, sitting around talking and drinking. That's a cocktail party, not a group date.

Well, I thought that Jasmine was going to do pretty well, but you had a really good speed date that they had the yoga thing. But obviously there's been the drama that's happening with the women. The only fans account kind of came out revealed by Tash.

Yes.

Yes, So Jasmine sits down with Jed and she's like, hey, I've got to tell you something. Ready, this is big. They spice it up, it's going to be a big reveal. She drops a bomb and she goes I had an only fans.

Account, and to be fair, Jed responds to that in the only like a reasonable and acceptable way to respond to it. It was such a non event.

Yeah, he was like, ah, it's fine. It's almost as if she just woke up and said, I like it in carrots for lunch.

Although I think that that would be weirder if that was the thing that she bought him aside.

For I need to tell you something. Are there any carrots?

It all sizes of small carrots, big carrots, dirty carrots.

Said dirty carrots, dirty carrots. What'd you say? I said, dirty, dirty carrots.

But also thirty carrots.

Very specific.

That's a lot of carrots, all kinds of carrots. Anyway, So Jasmine's into carrots. Jed doesn't care about the carrots. He just wants to talk about Tash, and that makes Jasmine very very frustrated.

And I think I think all of a sudden, Jasmine's off Jed carrots. I'm so Jasmine whips out a carrot starts eating it in front of Jede. It's very confusing at the Versace Hotel as well. Thank you very much. Okay, I heard a rumor what you know that we've seen Jedi future?

Are we starting a roommate right now? Or is it truth? Should we put a disclaimer in that we don't know anything and this is probably not fact?

Yes, exactly that?

Okay, well, Mary, J's making up stories about people.

I read somewhere on the life on cut facebook group.

That must be true.

Okay, I can't remember who said it, but someone did stay it. Apparently the reason why Jed never gets into board shorts and never gets into any kind of water, He's always wearing pants.

Because he's a vampire.

Well potentially potentially, we don't know. We don't know.

He does go out in the daylight though, maybe he's a special kind of vampire.

He apparently has a very offensive tattoo, so he will not put shorts on because it offended some of the women. Apparently, there you go, Do you know what it's off?

Not sure like any was there any indication?

Sorry, I have no more information.

If you know Jed and you know his tattoo, maybe slide in the DMS. We like a bit of saucy, spicy true real facts here.

I looked at his Instagram, couldn't see any leg no short picks.

Oh yeah, that's incriminating, isn't it?

All right? Well, look things to be investigated moving forward.

I'm sure that we would absolutely not get to the botto of it and probably talk about carrots for a bit more.

Let's talk about Yuri. Everyone loves Uri.

Oh she's a fucking queen. I wish she's stuck around longer.

I think, okay, this is very controversial. Can I say this? I just think that Uri was a bit butt hurt.

No, she was not butt hurt. She was just over the Oh my god, shut up. That made me so mad at you. Uri is a fucking queen. How dare you?

I agree? Uri is the best?

Yes? And okay, so if you don't know what happened, Yuri is literally the only person who is in Felix's group of girls who at this point in time is seeing sense or reason. I just feel like this is all the games for him. Like I just feel like he's not taking this.

Seriously and that he wants us to be fighting over him.

Okay, so Uri is starting to see the real Felix, and good on her, but not everybody is seeing with such clarity.

Felix is hot, like he walks in and he's just big and tall, and I just think we've been an absolute power couple.

We absolutely would be we take over the world.

Imagine, I just picturesque like being hot, having great set, flag, all these incredible things.

I can see our future so clearly.

I really kind of me popping out some beautiful children, big tall, strapping children.

I can see it.

It's there.

For the love of God, Why doesn't Chrystal get a one on one date?

Crystal is my favorite person there, best on the show. She is best on ground? Is that what it's called? What's based on Groundmy is that the best player of the match?

Well said, Oh, I guess that would be man of the match.

No, well, woman of the match. Who cares?

You're best on ground?

Best on ground? She is my absolute favorite. But she hasn't had a lot of airtime just yet. But you know what it's coming.

It's coming.

Oh, let's not get ahead of ourselves.

I was confused at this point. I didn't know if it was like a new group date. But it's a group date, she said.

Very hard to unpack because on the Old Bachelor it used to be formulaic, and I liked that because it was safe.

We're intelligent people.

No, this is very convoluted and hard. It used to be single date, group date eliminate or rose ceremony elimination, and now it's group date, extended group date, polyamory, swapping partners. Someone goes home, but not everyone. I don't even know. I don't know what's happening. I don't know who I am, and I'm very tired and I'm a little bit drunk.

Look, it's very inconsistent. But there is one consistency, though.

And that is that Felix will always make out with Tilly a date, every single group date, without fail, and nobody was happy about it. I want Phoenix to do that with May Malex.

I'm upseairs, Felix, I'm upseairs.

So this is the point in the series where Felix reaches peak fuck boary or boy fuckery.

Yeah, okay, okay.

So the Key knows that everyone's going to be annoyed. He's well aware that he's not supposed to kiss Tilly. He even says, oh, I shouldn't be doing this because it's going to make everyone upset. So then he goes back into the group setting where all the girls are.

And he's like, what's the problem. Hey.

Not only does he say what's the problem, he then blames them for being annoyed at him. He's like, oh, no, no, you don't know how hard it is.

For me my feelings into consideration.

What this is what he had to say about that they're looking from their perspective and not an ounce of my perspective is taken into this.

You know, hang me in the town square, but you're on a show where you're dating one guy.

So not only is he gaslighting the hell out of the women. And I love the fact that I've used gaslighting more in the last half an hour than I have in the last six months.

Sometimes you tell me I'm gaslighting you.

I know, I just say, when I'm losing the argument, I'm like, you're gaslighting me.

You do, and that is gaslighting. You will literally be losing the argument and you'll be like, why are you gaslighting me?

And I'm like, fucking just call me Felix. Okay. But then in this argument, Felix then uses the polyamorous relationship with Jess to his defense.

Someone in my group has a boyfriend, and I'm not off put by that. I am not off put by someone in my group that currently has a boyfriend at home. But apparently it's uncomfortable if I kiss someone else that's in my cohort.

Hang on a second, Felix, I've been doing some detective work and I think you may have been a little upset by it.

Here's a little gram from last week's episode, because although we may have been drunk, we were paying attention.

So this is really making quite It is because to find out that you with someone.

So I sit here and I'm like.

You kid, like this is just it's just a big shock to the system because you know, I was really sort of warming to you, and I don't like how it.

You know, I've.

Received it from here, which is at your fault. It's just a lot to take in and I'm just quiet.

Yeah, I am upset with.

YadA, YadA, YadA, yadda. After that, Felix carries on for a bit longer about how this whole process is so challenging for him and he's having such a hard time with all these beautiful for women.

For the record, Felix, I love you. Why except someone's gonna love him At the moment, it's just me and Tilly.

You're doing God's work. You're doing God's work. But then, apart from that drama, there's another little bit of spicy thoughts and drama that's happening over in the Thomas camp.

Jasmine is this is now turning into maps and I'm fine with that.

Well, Jasmine is swapping relationships. She's decided that she's no longer team Jed and she wants to be team Thomas. And I think that if you can be like into Jed and into Thomas, then you are somebody who truly does not.

Have a time. Well, I think she was never really into Jed. But I don't know if Thomas is into Jasmine. We will find out. But then but then we've got to talk about the big the big news.

What's the big news Kiki?

Oh what happened with I kind of remember we if you got to talk about the fact that Keiki has two.

Kids as a mom.

There's always a mom on the series.

There is, do you know what? It's always the mum that wins. Yes, not Designs she won, Alex Alex Nation, she won. It's always the mummums have got it. Did we have a mum on our season?

No?

I was like, who was the mom as a mum?

Here?

There was no We were the only season with no mums. That's very discriminatory to moms.

No shame.

Sorry for all the mums who applied and didn't get in.

This is great jeopardy, though.

I'm glad that they didn't get in because they probably would.

Have won, because, yeah, if there was a mum there, you would have been in trouble.

You like kids, do you would have picked the woman with the kids.

I like mums as well. Oh, here we go, bagate. So will there be enough to derail the Thomas and Kiky train?

Nah?

This is the jeopardy that they're trying to like spice in there. I'm a one hundred percent I reckon that Thomas is picking Kiki. I don't even have a debate about it. I am signed, sealed, delivered, But I like a bit of jeopardy just sprinkled in there to keep everyone guessing.

I will give you. I will give you fifty dollars if you can tell me the names of the women who went home at the Row ceremony. Oh, make it quick.

I couldn't even recall their faces.

Okay, can you recall a name? Give me one name. You can't say Yuri because for the record, Yuri walks.

Oh, Yuri Okay, can we just take a moment to appreciate Queen Yuri though, and how wonderful she is and what she does. Sure, she just gives the most backhanded compliment to Felix.

What did she say again?

She walks in and she says something along the lines of it's not you, it's me. I was looking for somebody in this experiment or whatever who has the qualities that you just don't possess.

Ooh, and I wish you luck. She and then she spat on him, which I thought was a bit much. I wasn't sure if the spitting was necessary. I'm me.

Even the spitting, I think it was fine. But then she smiled and walked out. It was very sasay.

Marnie also left money, went home, someone else went home. And then and then to wrap up episode four, thank god, Jasmine said no to Jed's rose. But then get this, she said yes, no, then Thomas, I'm getting so.

I honestly think this episode was the most convoluted episode that there was. The other ones are so easy because all that happens is polyamory, but this one let.

Me, Okay, I've got this. So she said no to Jed's rose, and then and then one rose left. Who's going to give it Thomas? Who does he give it to?

Jasmine?

Jazzmini?

Do I still win fifty bucks?

Not at all? He got nothing right? All right, Time for a drink and episode five coming up next?

Thank god we finished that one Homely. I'm just so glad that last episode's over.

That was it was a hard one.

Hard.

It's tricky. You know what else is hard?

This episode? What is it You're going to say?

My cock was so guilty? Got me?

It's also not it's so not at all, so far from being hard.

It's yeah, it's pretty flaccid.

The saddest miserable.

Hang on a second.

This is where we get to when it's eleven thirty at night, and this is the point in the record where all the wheels fall.

Off the wag. Maybe flaccid, but it's not sad. Okay, shows your wizard sleeve? Go on, what's it looking like? Yeah? I thought so.

That is getting edited out of the Podka Live it and Keisha, that is disgusting. Why not you're getting fucking canceled power Kisha, please remove that. I'm very sorry, and I know you're going to message me and say ha ha, can I leave it in? And the answer is no. Am I happy that that last episode is done?

Yeah?

Look, it was a tricky one, this episode. Episode five.

Oh, I'm excited about this one.

Big fan Episode five?

Why did you like Episode five?

I think this is the episode that really solidifies that Jed is my ultimate fate. I love him.

I thought they said that I cried.

I cried in this episode.

You did cry? Yeah, it's because you talked about himself when he was a little kid and as a dad, got your little dad. Juice is flowing. He was ready to impregnant me again.

Let's get into it.

Okay, So we started off this episode in the most spectacular way, and that is marg Tash and CJ just yeeped themselves out of the match mansion. They decided. Do you know what they did? They had a hissy fit that Jasmine got the rose they didn't.

This is not kind to say. This is not what was shown on the show. This is Laura doing her like two and two to make five. So let's we don't know this.

Yeah, we kind of do, because I can't remember who it was that said it. One person said it or and they implied it, and so then I might be exaggerating, but let's just go with it, okay, CJ and Marny, Marge, Tash, CJ, I don't even care.

Let's do it, marg March, maj Marjorie. Is it Marjorie? I wrote down Marjorie? Was that her name?

And your name was Marjorie?

Was it? Fucking really?

Yeah? Not Margaret anyway.

Not surprised, Tash. I was very surprised about.

You look truly surprised. But you didn't let me get to my theory.

Sorry, go on, go on? That was that wasn't Laura, Laura having a shiver.

Okay, my theory is this. Marge, Tash and c J staged in intervention. They were like, fuck you you Jasmine, you can't stay here, and if she stays here, we're going. And the producers were like, well, that's kind of how the Bachelor works now, like Jasmine gets to stay because she got a rose, and they were like no, and they probably had a few too many champagnes at this time,

The producers are like are you guys going to pack your bags? Now?

Your bags are packed for you and the car is down, sir. And so then they had to leave, and by then they were like, see, we didn't want to be here anyway. And then Asher appears out of nowhere at the batchpad or them, I don't even know which, there's too many batchpads. Now he appears in front of Jed and Thomas to tell them the news that three of the women have just let themselves go.

And I think the guys took it pretty well. I didn't want to say bye, and they didn't want to say goodbye. Actually, you know, they're on their way home right now. Wow. Did they leave a message or anything? No, okay, they just they just chose to leave. I felt sorry for Jed, I really did. And I know that I'm not sorry that Tash is gone because I think she

She was a cheerleader for him.

Yeah.

Okay, but this is going to come as no surprise to anyone because we've all seen the ads, we've all seen the teas well. I mean by this episode, the ads will be out again, and that is she's coming back. She's we all knew she's.

I knew she would.

She's not staying away. I reckon. As soon as she left, the producers were like, oh fuck, get her back.

The car was literally just parked around the corner.

But they were like CJ and March.

Yeah, CJ and Margin like can we come back? You shut up and you stay, you stay outside, get back coming through. I didn't like, and I just I didn't like episode four that there weren't any single dates. So I'm very happy that now we're getting back into the single dates.

Because yeah, and also group dates when there's so many people and so many things going on making.

It and it's just really making out with Felix, that's all that happened.

So heading into single dates, single dates, we have Felix who takes Jess on a single date.

Playing basketball Coarsey bloody.

Is Jess has fantastic hair. That's what I think every time I see Jess.

She has some milky skin. Can I say milky skin? Is that a compliment?

Milky skin and fantastic hair. Yeah, we'll call her milky from now.

I don't know how she's coping on the Gold Coast. She's so much suns that must be a bloody nightmare for her. Fifty poor old Jess.

And there is another nightmare, and it's the fact that she's looking to be in a relationship but she's already in a relationship since Fairy.

I'm trying. I'm trying Laura as best as I possibly can to understand what is going on here, because she she's she is polyamorous, but she's not in a polyamorous relationship with Damien.

With Demo, she is in a polyamorous relationship. It's just that she's the only one who's able or willing to explore other connections.

Right. So Demo is like, you're fucking what now? So where are you going with your bags packed?

Oh?

The Bachelor? That's weird?

What for?

And he's like, I'll love you anyway. I I mean, we'll get into it in the next episode. There's a lot to unpack the poor Demo, But as two people who have never been in polyamorous relationships, it's hard for us to comment on how tricky this situation is anything that I think that I can comment on in terms of how this is kind of shaping up. Is the fact that Felix has said he wants a monogamous relationship, so it seems like fundamentally what they want out of their relationship.

Is not aligned.

He is not aligned, So I think, like, how is it that you can I don't know. I feel like Felix is so into Jess, and Jess is literally telling him I am not the person for you because I want something completely different to you, and Felix is like, oh, well, you know what, Let's see if she changes her mind.

You did say something when we were watching the episode that I thought was very, very clever, And I don't know if this is maybe something that should be saved episode six.

Save it, keep them guessing, build a suspense.

Sorry about that, all right.

So Felix on this date, sits down and has a bit of a one on one with Jess where they talk about the fact that she's in a polyamorous relationship, and Felix is kind of asking Jess in a roundabout way, whether it's that she wants to be in an open relationship or whether she's just afraid of commitment.

Do you think you have commitment issues?

I don't think I have commitment issues. I'm just very corshous and I'm not going to commit until it feels one hundred percent right.

And how long do you think it usually takes until you can feel I.

Don't know, maybe like up to three four months to be honest, but then other picks up against it.

The irony here, Laura is that Felix has never been in a long term relationship, so who the hell is he'd ask his questions?

Do you think that it's one of those situations where like like attracts like. So he's like, oh, I've seen this before. You actually have a commitment phoebe because I'm a commitment phobe as well.

We should spend the rest of our lives together and hating.

It, afraid of each other, afraid of loving each other. That sounds truly complicated.

Enough of Felix and Jess, let's get onto Jed and I can't say her name right, Alicia, Hey, she's not Italian? Getting confused? Apologies?

So Jen and Alicia? They actually, I mean, we'll go into how nice this date was, because it was really beautiful, But it starts off with Jed saying that he doesn't want people to think that he's just about whacking drums, you know, like there's more to him than just smacking things around.

I want to show her that it's not just me whacking a bunch of stuff.

So to convince Alysia that he's not all about just smashing drums, he smashes the drums for the entire date. I didn't think, Laura that.

I mean, he didn't smash the drums for the entire It was a good, solid three minute drum.

Solo, Laura. I don't think anyone out that actually believed that he played the drums for the entire date.

That was it.

I feel like Jed. Sorry, I used to beat box in high school, So can.

You do a bit if you're beat boxing? It's very good.

No, not at all. I'm like, I'm like the old school Jed. That's why I like him so much. We get each other, we get beats, we get rhythm, we got the moves it.

I want to say this on behalf of every girl who's ever dated a musician.

Ever.

Anyone who's dated a musician has been in a situation where their love interest has made them listen to them play music, and you've had to just sit there and pretend like you've enjoyed it. In Alyssia's defense, she seemed like she truly did enjoy it. She did, she did. Maybe they really are the perfect match.

I didn't think they had any chemistry whatsoever. However, this date, Jesus, how do you feel now? Yeah, they're meant to be.

This was okay, we take them. He's a little bit, but this turned into honestly one of my favorite parts, maybe even one of my favorite parts of Bachelor's of all time. Jed goes into talking about his childhood and how he was really bullied at school.

Very different, very feminine.

Yeah bylin, he says, you know, like being someone who is heterosexual but really likes to dress in a feminine way, He's never felt like he's been able to fully be himself or express himself. And it's just such a beautiful moment, to the point where Matt was crying on the couch and it was so sweet.

Well, but if I see a Groman cry, I'll cry as well. I'll join in. But it was a really vulnerable, very sweet moment, and I really I really enjoyed seeing that side of Jed, and it was the most honest moment that I've seen from a bachelor in forever.

Well, just to give you a little insight into the moment that really sent Matty Jay off the edge, it is this.

I tell my little self that you know you can wear so you can Yeah, I tell myself that you can actually wear an outfit like this and and have a beautiful woman that does accept you, and you can play the drums.

And moving on from Jed, we now have Thomas and Thomas is on a single date with Keiki except dun dundu. Kekey told us on the last episode that she has children and Felix doesn't want Thomas.

You get that wrong? And Thomas I was like, I didn't didn't believe can I may?

I yes?

So Felix no Thomas, Thomas, Thomas wants to have kids. Kiki don't want him anymore.

She's got two, well, she still wants a own, she just doesn't want more. She doesn't want to give those on.

She's like, you can have mine, taking the yours.

She's like, I already did it already, I have already made those regrets. I don't want to have more of that it would be hard.

Imagine having an eighteen and a nine year old your new partner being like, let's start a new family.

She did not look too impressed, and not to impress. She was trying to answer the question honestly, which was like absolutely no, I cannot be flying fuck to go back and have a newborn. But also didn't want to be so direct, so she was like, baby, you could see it in her eyes. They should have done that gazing thing where Thomas might have been able to see a bit more and he would have seen the pain and something. Okay, So they go on a single day. Thomas takes her back to his home pad.

Whatever it is, this was quite the setup.

It gives her a little massage.

That's quite a lot for a second date. Is it the first day?

What's their first single day?

Imagine imagine if I on our second date said Laura, I'm gonna massage you get naked.

But you know those pornos where it starts with a massage and then all of a sudden there's a penis in your mouth.

Seen many of those.

It's my favorite kind. I thought that maybe that was going to be the open night's day, like they were gonna get all frisky jiggy with it.

One of the first time we have X on the Bachelor.

But no, that didn't happen. She was into it though, But we did get my favorite quote I think of every single Bachelor that has ever existed, and it was.

This, Unless it gives me energy, inspirational orgasm, it doesn't belong in your lifete me.

Okay, this is, like I said, my favorite quote that has ever come out of the Bachelor, and I think that this is the energy I'm going to go into twenty twenty three yet, except instead of that, for me, I would like it to be energy inspiration, orgasm, or a little bit more sleep. If it's not an orgasm, I'd.

Like sleep, but sleep gives you energy.

Laura, Well, there you go. If it doesn't give me energy, inspiration or an orgasm or a nap, I don't want it in my life.

There.

You haven't anyway here, Perc going to start a cult after this. Absolutely it's going to happen.

Her and Thomas are going to end up together and they get a start a fucking.

Cast and then in like two years time, will we recapping the Netflix doc o on Kiki and Thomas.

Oh wow, that'll give them inspiration an energy. Okay, so there's other things that happened in the single dates. We're just gonna steam roll straight past that, and we're going to go to the group date and finally, on this group date, this is where Felix's redemption story. This is where his redemption arc has started. He finally goes on a group date and doesn't kiss anyone. Doesn't He even goes and frolics in the ocean with Crystal and doesn't kiss her.

I wonder how much producers were like putting darts with tranquilizer to like try and like bring down his horniness.

They were like, if you do this, all the women will leave and there will be no one left except for Jessica. So he finally controls and contains himself, and instead of kissing anyone, he just goes and frolics in the ocean.

No, because he's so horny. He's like, I can't care, I can't cope anymore. He just runs into the ocean and.

He doesn't even take his shoes.

He's just he needs to do anything to distract himself and from his raging erection. They're having this beautiful lune and they're like, where the hell is feelings gone? And it's just and he just starts jacking off in the ocean, and you're like, well, it's not all bad. And then Crystal, bless her Crystal follows him into the water.

Because she thought he was drowning, so she went in to save him.

Bless her Cotton.

She's a good girl, that Crystal. I like her.

Meanwhile, URI's on the beach going, thank fuck, I'm not stelling that show Jesus.

Although I do think Crystal was. Probably she was like, do you know what Felix does on group day? He kisses someone? So she thought she was in for a shot. How disappointed would you be if you were Crystal out in the ocean frolliging around and Felix just doesn't kiss you. You'd be like, what's wrong with me?

But to be fair, literally every single woman who's left has their nose up against the glass, being like here it fucking comes.

Okay. But the whole point of this group date is so that they can get deeper with each other, they can build more of a connection. There's a little bit of one on one time that they seem to have they're peeling off. They're having these chats, and Naomi and Felix I feel like they went the deepest of all.

Today's all about getting to know each other on the team level of So I want you to say one thing like not many people know that hit me.

I love dinosaurs, Ah, Felix, don't we all like dinosaurs?

Marley likes dinosaurs.

That's why I like him, because he's so honest and.

So raw and in touch with his feelings.

I'd love to know what kind of dinosaur he likes, though? Is it a t rex?

Maybe you should slide into his DMS and ask him.

No way am I going anywhere near his DMS.

He will try and fuck you.

I'll be pregnant and you'll be like, what happened about I messaged Felix.

God.

That's pretty much episode five. There is a rose ceremony. I think the names of the people who go home.

It's one single person, so that no one knows. We're still at the point of The Bachelor where no one.

Knows that the girl who was on who's on maths. There is a girl who appears out of thin air and she's actually cast on maps. So they've kind of edited her out, but she's still in the show. It's very confusing.

We only found this out from reading the Daily Mail, so it could be incorrect, but you know what, let's just roll with it and give you bits of incorrect information.

So Janey went home went home.

And she had my second favorite quote for the season. Can we put the hater on?

Because my nipples is so hard, I'm about to key the car?

All right, guys, can you bloody believe it? We are at the halfway mark. It feels like yesterday that we were.

The halfway mark of the episode, though we're almost finished kick on.

Could you imagine? Oh my days?

Absolutely okay. Last week we said please text us if anyone's made it to this point in the episode, and so many of you messaged us. But if this was truly the halfway mark, I guarantee you no.

One would be to the end. But no. Joe Rogan does episodes on podcasts that last for like two hours.

Yeah, but people just put it on and don't actually listen. They just come back four days later and he's still speaking.

Do people really listen to what we talk about? I feel like we could recap and make up completely false storylines and people wouldn't even blink.

So at this point in time, Thomas actually left and he walked out.

With Tash and then Asher gets in a helicopter that he's stole from production, and now AHA's on the run.

No okay, episode six, This is not even the last episode of the week, but it is the last episode of this recap because we need to go to bed.

Yes, but can I just say the best episode of this season Episode six? Well done to production for making one of the most amazingly awkward group dates happen so good. So only a select few girls get chosen for the group date? And who do they bring along? Laura their best friend, because we all know how important it is as a bachelor to talk with the best friends, to get a bit more of an understanding of what kind of person they are. And who who does j us bring?

Oh it's so awkward. Damo she doesn't bring a mom. Damo, she doesn't bring a sister, she doesn't bring a cousin. She brings her boyfriend.

Can I just say that would have been her call?

Nah?

Nah, no way, No.

I disagree.

I reckon they're paid actors.

I just think you don't think it's real.

I cannot believe how wild this storyline is for it to be realed. I have never known there to be paid actors on The Bachelor. It's obviously reality TV, Like you know, people audition and they have their own crazy life stories. I just think, Okay, is so wild to me that she is in a commit she's in love with someone, she has a boyfriend, and yes, she obviously

Okay, you think it's fake. It's so wild that you think it's fake. I think it's real. But for the record, production would have said to the contestants and said, you need to put down maybe one or two options for people that we can contact to see if they'll come on this group day. Jess is put down Demo's number and can we just have a moment for bloody Damo, because what an absolute legend. He doesn't matter what Jess

Like Jess is like, I murdered Osher and he's like, it's okay, I love you anyway.

That's fine, We'll get through it, honey, I love you. Like for example, Leah brings her sister perfect great, looks identical. It looks identical, but that makes complete sense. In what world did just think that it was going to be a good idea to bring her bloody boyfriend on the group date.

So Jess makes it, as I said, she makes it very clear that even though she is polyamorous, she's not after having an open relationship with both guys.

You've lost me.

Okay, well maybe this grab will help you. That's the thing.

Like, I don't want to partners at the end of this, so it would have to be either or not.

It's so hard. It's when you love.

Someone and you're emotionally connected to them, so hard to let someone go.

But like, yeah, you know. The thing that's a bit shit about this group date though, is that, obviously Felix has invited multiple women. He's invited Abigail, I can't even remember who else is the crazy cat lady, and she's brought the cats there. Her support person was actually just a cat.

Production, like Abigail, who can we call? And she's like Minni, who's Minni?

Well, okay, but there's other women there who were there for Felix. But the entire group date, not only the entire group date, I'm gonna say the entire episode, the whole episode, an hour and twenty five minutes.

You could you could have trimmed off a good half hour of that episode because all it was is just Felix, Jess and Duncan Mo. Demo's just there lurking in the corner.

Okay, And I get it. I get that it is a big cliffhanger part of the storyline, but holy dick, they milked it. They milked it, so Okay, that was a weird, weird chose of words.

Getting strong visuals here of like demo milking felix.

Okay, anyway, and just like keep doing that.

It's good for the content. Okay, we need to fill in another fifteen minutes here.

It went on for you going still, you should.

Stop going demo until let's says stuff and the cats are like, it was a fucking wild episode. Let me tell you had at all. Where's Jet in the drums? There is? He brought us band along.

This whole like this whole situation with Jess.

Some theories the theory tell us.

Okay, so I have a couple of theories I want to be I got none. Preface this by saying, once again, I've never been in a polyamorous relationship. I have nothing.

Against Stop saying polyamorous, polyamorous, polyamorous, polyamorous. You've never been in one, neither of I've.

Never been anyone. I've never been an open relationship. I find them really interesting, and I absolutely respect that everybody shows up in relationships very very differently. I guess the thing about Jesse's situation that I find so interesting is that neither of the people that she's in the relationship with are choosing to be in, as in their not

Credit to Damo, Yeah.

He's being this like loving, endlessly supportive person. Now Jessica is in a situation where she basically has to hatch her bets. She has to decide because Felix doesn't want to be in an open relationship. He wants monogamy. He's made that clear. So Jessica has to decide whether she wants to be with Damien or she wants to be

Okay, is it because she'll only end it with Dame O when she knows that Felix is better or.

Yeah, when she knows that Felix is one hundred percent and that is going to happen, then she will end it with Daimo because she has to.

But surely at this point they've been together for quite a while, haven't they.

They've not actually specified how long they've been together.

Surely at this point she would know whether or not it's worth exploring, like a committed relationship with Daimo, right, like why Felix aside? Surely she would understand where she's at with Demo right now. He loves her, she talks about the fact that she has really strong feelings for him. Surely she would know.

Well, I think that's the big thing, right Like, we all know that relationships are complicated. We all know that things are not as clear cut. You can be in a relationship with someone for six years and still not be sure about how you feel about them or what you want from them, Like it can be truly confusing. But I think the part of this that makes it more confusing is the fact that neither of them are wanting the same things. Like, no one in that situation,

Jess This is my favorite part.

Keep going, okay, this is my other theory. So my other theory is that, yes, we know from episode one that Felix always kind of thought that jess could be at the end. However, he made that decision based on nothing, based on a twenty minute date where they basically just esthetically store each other, so she looks like the type of girl that he would want to be.

Right, hang on a second, are you trying to tell me that Felix I beloved Felix would only fall in love with jess purely based on her looks and nothing else what I love dare you? Shame on you?

I know what I'm saying is it's exactly what happened. I feel like there's now a bit of competition element there. I feel like Felix probably wants Jess even more because she's not the easy person to get. There's a chase there. It's become this like complicated. I want to win. I want her to use me.

He's an ex athlete, he's born to compete.

I just and look, this is all me projecting. It might be incorrect, and I'm not saying obviously, I don't have any more insight into this than anybody else. This is just my feelings watching the show play out. I mean, this is the vibes that I'm getting, That's all.

And can we just take a moment, please, Laura, if we may to have a moment of silence for Abigail the cat lady, who seems to be the only person who really understands what the hell is happening right now.

Felix is also technically ex boring polyamory because he's also dating seven other women, so basically the only past not in a polyamorous relationship is me. So basically, the group date was a great, big old waste of time for anybody who wasn't Damian, Jessica or Felix. Nobody else even got a single look in. But then it goes to the single day time and all of a sudden, they're sitting like the women are sitting waiting for the daycard to arrive, but there's no daycards. There's no daycard on

I'm not gonna lie, Laura, I have no idea well where we're currently at.

Stick with me, buddy, It's fine, Okay. Tilly doesn't get a date.

No, she's very upset.

She she loses it, very very upset.

Clearly Tilly was a little bit stressed out about the whole situation.

She flipped out and she stormed on right out of there. But Felix goes on a single day with Crystal. All they do is talk about jess and the polyamorous relationship.

She was such a disappointing day. I've been waiting so long patiently. We're the half way mark and Chrystal gets a single date.

No kiss, no nothing, do you kiss? No nothing?

We had more action on their speed date on episode one.

I know they baited us hard in the beginning, and then they've just like cooked us and dragged us along on the beach and the shore. That's not fair, left us out in the sun to dry.

It's miserable, bloody fair, all.

Right, So there's other dates that go on. If Thomas goes on a single date with Jasmine.

Surprised, then I didn't think that, Like I didn't think there was anything.

I was seeing Flauring, I agree, I was seeing nothing last episode. But now all of a sudden, Jasmine's in it to win it, and there is another date that gets thrown in the mix. There's a fourth Bachelor.

Welcome to the fourth Bachelor, dam O, please step on up.

Damien calls Jessica and they go on a date to have a conversation. What they call it a conscious conversation. They speak consciously.

What is that about this.

Speaking about their relationship? But honestly, like we said earlier, this entire episode has been It's been the same conversation on repeat as to whether Jess is still in love with Damien and what you're gonna.

Do Jess has Every time you asked Jess a question, she's like, well, I just I don't know. Just answer it, come.

On, because she doesn't know what she wants.

She does know when she saw Damo, they met each other, they embrace, They were like, I love you and then like kissing, and that embrace was clearly two people who loved each other.

But then, why is she on the show?

I don't know, Laura.

I get it, like I understand the want to be with more people, but I feel like going on a show where the Bachelor is someone who would needs to be monomalous.

We get it. It's just I can't let you go down that.

No. Come on, okay, I'm confused. Come on, I'm so confused.

You are now doing what the Bachelor did to us.

This is true. It's because I've been conditioned. Five hours of Bachelor this week has conditioned me to want to talk about polyamory.

We could do an entire episode on Jess, Demo and Felix.

It's truly interesting. But we won't. We absolutely won't the other part of this that I thought was quite worth noting or something that we thought we should go into a little bit. Thomas on his date with Jasmine. It was going really well and things got a little bit steemailed going well.

I love to get physical, I love to receive physical touch.

I'm very big on all of it.

I love sex to the point, I love to explore. I loved how fun and I'm un of service.

So yeah, I can see that. I can really see that. And now it should come as absolutely no surprise to anybody that this episode is rounded out in the way that it started.

What's it going to be, Laura, Oh, let's have a guess, polyamory.

It rounds out in the way that it started, in the way that it progressed, in the way that it continued, and in the way that it ended. Jess is confused and doesn't know what she wants.

Do I choose Felix and have this amazing, no potential life with him, or do I go back to my comfort zone and back to that amazing, incredible man that loves me.

And to be honest, I don't think anybody can answer that question for Jess. Except for Jess.

Okay, I'm going to put money on the fact that Damo is going to be there at the.

Finale fuck off, because you imagine.

They'll be like, we don't actually have Jess's family here, but we have Daimoh coming back for a round two. Damo is going to be there for every episode. He knows the address, he knows where the girls live.

Also, what do you think would happen? So just say that Jess makes it to the final two. So imagine that she makes it to finale and Felix doesn't choose her because this has become you know, it's too hard for him to make a choice around the whole.

No, imagine this does she didn't go back? No pause that. Imagine this. Imagine that Felix says I want to be with you, and then she says no, I love Damo, and then Damo comes out of the swamp and he's like, here, I am honey.

Imagine that that could happen. I would pay to watch that.

I freaking hope.

So I'm locked in and ready and raring to go.

Who went home?

I can't remember. I didn't even write it down.

Zara ah Czara. I made that, HU did Angela? I didn't even question it. I was like, she was such a lovely girl.

I think it was a too syllable name. It may have been Zara.

Angela is still there, she's still there.

Haven't heard much about her.

Can Angela say a freaking word?

Blink twice? If you're still in the in the Batch mansion.

How would you be if you were Angela? She's literally said nothing.

Yeah, anyway, anyway.

I cannot believe you finished this episode.

This is only three of the four episodes that have been out this week. This has been a mighty fucking effort. Tomorrow night's episode or tonight's it's Wednesday Tonight's episode. We'll recap that in due course. We're on a holiday at the moment. We'll probably recap it by Friday.

By the way, we're in Byron Bay.

Yeah, we're trying to have a.

Crap holiday because they're doing this recap which just is never ending.

Now.

I'm joking. I love it. I love it. It's very lovely. Can I just say very lovely? I'm very flatted that people have been enjoying the content, because, honestly, when we finished recording the last episode, Laura looked at me with a very concerned look on her face, and she went, do you think anyone's going to listen to that? And I was like, Oh, I don't.

Know, here's your podcast. But honestly, when we said yes to this, we thought it was going to be three episodes a week, and now it's four episodes a week, and if they increase it to five, we might just have to pull the pin.

There's two weeks left.

They can't. They're not going to do that.

We got two more to go, two more to go?

Can we do it?

Three more? Togo? Maybe?

Oh god, can we do it?

Of course we can.

I'm scared. Anyway, if you've been loving the episode, we need the encouragement, go and leave us a review. Tell us what you think of the batch, tell us what you think of the apps. We you know, you know the drill, Tell your mom, tell your dad, tell your friends, and share the love, because we love love. I'm gonna's just then not well, you're not