Hey guys, and I'll welcome back to another episode of A Life on Cut. This is ask Gun Cut, your Thursday edition, You're down and dirty edition where you writing your deep duck burning questions and we do our best to answer them.
I'm Brittany and I'm Laura, and I am coming to you guys from Byron Bay.
Could I sound like any more of an influencer right now?
But firstly, I just want to say, if I sound a little bit weird on this record, it is because I packed my road caster.
I packed my microphones.
Like Britta and I, we are well skilled at doing these remote recordings. Now, however, I got here and the whole thing is carved it. So I'm currently recording this over zoom, just like the old days.
I just want to reiterate for you guys that don't know. The road cast is the machine we recording. It's like the size of a suitcase has got all these cords and we take our microphones. I managed to take mine, Laura, around the world with me. You had one trip to Byron Bay. God knows what has happened in your luggage. I don't know, but it carved it. Anyway. We are so determined to bring you guys the episode, so we've made do We've got a backup plan. It's gonna be fine.
But what it does mean is that the start of this episode might sound a little bit different to the rest of the episode, but we're committed. We're here for you guys.
Totally just persevere. I swear that this is just the intro chat.
We actually recorded all of the questions before I left a couple of days ago, but we thought we wanted to make sure that the intro was in real time, just in case anything crazy or wild happened in the world. And something crazy and wild did happen in the world, and everybody's talking about it, and I honestly just can't even tell you. I was in tears today when the news broke that little Cleo in Western Australia was found. If anybody doesn't know this news, you've been living under
a rock. But it was just the most incredible thing when that news broke.
Honestly, there is no better news than anyone, I think in Australia or around the world that followed this case. There's nothing more that you want to hear than a child that has been missing has been found safe and well. But if anyone doesn't know, we'll give you a quick backstory. I am like, I'm making an assumption that Australia knows, but if you don't, Little Cleo Smith she's a four year old girl and on October sixteen, So I think I can't do the math right now, but it's about
nineteen or twenty days ago. She was taken from her tent in a sleeping bag. Like at the start, it was a bit like what's happened? Has she gotten up and walked out of the tent on her own and then gotten lost in the middle of the night. That's actually what they thought happened. At the beginning. They were searching land everywhere, they were searching the ocean. They thought she had just wandered off. It just wasn't fathomable that somebody could go into the tent while the whole family
is sleeping and take a child. It turned into a criminal case. They started to search for this man. Now I don't know, and I cannot wait until the police do release this information. I don't know how they managed to track her down, but it is the most amazing police work. And I think every single person that has searched non stop twenty four hours a day for the last few weeks. For this little girl needs a reward.
It's absolutely incredible and it just goes to show you what can happen when everybody comes together and we do have some amazing police work. I'm just ecstatic and I actually can't believe we got this outcome.
I think all of Australia yesterday cried tears of joy that Clara was found. And I know that there were so many people in our Facebook group who were sharing news articles and if you haven't been following the story, basically, yesterday the Deputy Police Commissioner Cole Blanche and i'd press release that was about four am in the morning to say that Claire had been found in a home in Carnarvon, which is the same area that she's from. It's the
same area that she went missing from. They picked her up and the Police Commissioner said that the officer who found her went into the house. She was found in a bedroom in this house from a man who is completely unrelated to the family. So there is definitely so much more information that's going to come out there. But they picked her up and asked her what her name is and her response was, Hi, my name is Cleo. And that I think just is the most incredible thing.
The craziest thing about this, And I guess I mean, it is crazy, but it's not. But for the first time ever, the state government offered a one million dollar reward to help find Clear. And now they haven't said yet, no one is released to say that the information which may have inevitably helped them find Clear and taken his men to custody. We don't know if that actually came because of the reward, but what they are saying is it's highly likely it did. Because a one million dollar reward.
All of a sudden, people are remembering things. People are phoning up to talk about things that probably they didn't think were relevant, but all of a sudden, when there's money involved, and it should not be like that, but people start to think maybe that little bit of information is relevant. And the neighbors came forward and said, you know what, this is a thirty six year old man
that they have in custody. They said, you know what, we actually did see him shopping and he was buying nappies and we thought, well, that's a bit weird because he doesn't have a kid. But at the time, you don't really think about it, and you don't think the person next door to In this tight knick community of canav and there's only four thousand people, there's no way you think that he would have done that, that he would have that little girl locked inside this room totally.
And I guess, like one of the things that stood out so much from all the media and press releases that came out yesterday was, you know, and everyone wants to know how she is, Like, how is clear? What has happened? People want to know, they want answers to these questions. But the overarching statement that came out was that she is.
Alive and well.
And I think as absolutely joyful and happy that everybody is that she has been found. I just I read that and I was like, alive and well, like, what does that even mean when you've been abducted for eighteen days? And I know that there's privacy and everything else that goes around these sorts of things, and maybe we'll never know what happened, and maybe we shouldn't know, Like I mean, it's none of our business. Really.
The most important thing is that she's safe. But I just read that sentence and I was like, alive, and well, how the fuck can you be well after you've been kidnapped for eighteen days from your home. My heart absolutely breaks for her family, and they've come out and spoken a lot about the online trolling that they'd experienced during this time. I can't imagine how incredibly.
Difficult it would be surviving those eighteen nineteen days without your child and not knowing what had happened to them, but also experiencing the social and public commentary of people accusing you or thinking that you might have some involvement in this is just so harrowing and horrific. But all in all, and not to start this conversation off with a negative conversation, because it is honestly just the most
wonderful news that she has been found. But this is the biggest thing that's happened in Australia and we can't not talk about it. Everybody is talking about it.
Yeah, And just before we get into the episode, I just wanted to add one more thing. I can't stress enough something that Laurie just said. I absolutely don't think we will ever know what happened to her, and I don't think we should. I don't think any of us is entitled to know. I think that that is something that the family will deal with in private. Much as the public are invested, we should be invested to a point where we've helped get Clear back and we're happy
for her welfare. We're happy that she's back home and safe, and I think that that's where it ends. So anyway, team, I know that that is probably a little bit of a different conversation and a different introduction than we usually do on Life on Cut, especially on Ask Guncut, but there's just no way we couldn't touch base on this because it is It is the best news we're going to hear, possibly this year, but definitely this week, and we're just so ecstatic that little Clear has been found.
And on that note, it is time to get into the questions. So question and number one, I'm going to kick start this off, Laura. I was hoping you guys can give me some advice on how to ask my boss for a pay rise. I have been in the hospitality industry for ten years and have spent the last five in upper management and completing a degree in hospitality management in twenty seventeen. As I'm only young. I'm twenty four. I feel as though my skills are somewhat being taken
for granted being a young female. I love my job, I love my employer, but I'm at the stage of my career where I'm really realizing my worth and I don't want to keep working for the salary that I'm on when I know I could be getting paid more elsewhere. Ps. My boss and I have become really close recently and we have a really jovial slash professional relationship. We often have a wine after work, she invites me over for dinner.
I'm just a bit worried that asking for a pay your rise might hinder the great working relationship that I have with her. Please help. We all want more money. Oh, everyone wants more money. I want more money, and you sounds like you deserve it if you've done your due diligence, you've done your studies, you've been in it for ten years. But actually I have one little question. You're only twenty four, but you've been in for ten years. Were you working at fourteen?
Yeah, she's probably been working hospitalities fourteen and six months.
Is that?
Oh?
It is it fifteen nine months? Not fourteen years? Anyway, you're an absolute boss.
Okay, So my thing is everybody finds it hard to ask for more money. Like everyone, it's so hard to go to your boss and ask for more money. It's hard to sit down and have those conversations. I guess that there's that big fear of like, well, what if they say no? And you know you don't want to
offend them. But the reality is you can't offend somebody if you have the skill set, if you have worked and you've worked your way up, and you are a valued member of that company or of whatever it is, whatever place you work, asking for more money is not something that's going to be offensive. But you do have to get a little bit organized, and you do have to get a little bit strategic with how you do it.
I agree, there's nothing that would make me more uncomfortable than going to my boss and asking for more money. And I think that everybody's on that page. It's never a comfortable conversation, but it's definitely something that you shouldn't be afraid to do. If you really think you're worth it, and you've said that, you think you can go somewhere else and get more money, not even you think you said, I know I can go somewhere else. Obviously you like
your job and you'd rather stay. I think you've got nothing to lose. You one hundred percent need to be able to approach your boss. And you're friends with her, so you should be able to approach her. But you need to approach her not as a friend, as an employee and an employer relationship. What you need to do. And it's different for me because forever I have worked in the medical industry and we have a of criteria
for every category. If you can meet the criteria, you go to your employer, your boss, and you say, look, I have ticked off every box, which means I'm in this next category, which means I get to pay rice. You just got to be able to prove you can
do it. I would suggest doing the same thing. You probably don't have that kind of contract, but if you write down all the lists you're doing and showing that you're in a higher role than you're being paid, they can't really say no. Well they can, but if they do say no, you can leave and go somewhere else. It's just that you want to stay there. You're happy. So I would say that I would set up a meeting with my boss, and I'd be like, look, I am doing this, this, this, this, and this, which I
think is above my pay grade. And I really really don't want to leave here because I love you guys. I love you, I love the job, I love my colleagues. Is there room to move and reassess my pay You're just asking the question. She's either going to say yes, let's look at that, or she's going to say no. And then you just have to be armed with what you're willing to do if the answer is no, Are you actually willing to leave if the answer is no, or are you willing to stay and continue your job?
So I would decide within yourself what you will do with the answer is no before you go in there.
I agree with everything you've said, Britt, and I think the first thing I want to say on this is going back to the first point where I said asking for a pay rise is scary. So many things are scary until you do them more times and then you become more comfortable with it. As a small business owner, I'm going to kind of tell you how I have in the past asked for pay rises and also when employees have come to me, how I like them to come to me.
So so have you Have you had people come to you before and saying hey, I want more money absolutely makes me uncomfortable.
Absolutely, And almost all of them I've given more money to. It depends on what the conversation has been, It depends on what their role is. But almost every single one who has asked for a pay rise has received it.
I'm going to ask you after this pay me off.
But it's because, Okay, a lot of my staff have been with me for many, many years and they've grown with the company. And sometimes I think when you have someone who grows with your company, their skill sets grow, you have to annually assess what their role is. And that's often what can be lacking in small businesses is sitting down and having like a review with your employer.
So you sit down, you have a formal review where they say, I love that you're doing this, this and this, I think you can work on X, Y and Z, and that is the normal setting where you would say and put forward your case for a pay rise. The problem with some small businesses, especially I think things like hospitality retail, is that they don't always have the same
formal review processes. So I would say go to your boss, whether it's you know, face to face or by email or by you can do it by text, but that's probably the least professional way, and just say I would really love to schedule a time to have a meeting with you to talk about pay review, so they know exactly what it is that they're going into that meeting discussing. And after that, once you set your date, you then
put together all of your information. Put together all the things that you're doing in your job, in your role, like Britz said, put together what other companies are paying employees that do the similar job to you. Put together what you should be paid based on what your experiences, what your education levels are, and then you can set forward a really great case and be like, exactly what Brit said, I love working here. I think I'm a
really valuable member to this team. This is what we have achieved since I've been here, this is what I've contributed to the company, and this is why I think I deserve a five percent or whatever it is. I think you go in there with an idea of what you want as a percentage increase and ask for it.
The best thing you can do is going armed with information. So you have to know what you want, and you have to know why you want it, and you have to know what other people getting paid in the same job. If you can cover all those categories, there's not really room for an argument. So go in, think about it, write it down, learn it, be confident, go in address it in a respectful manner. Make sure you know what your decision is going to be depending on her answer.
I don't think you need to have it in your head that you're going to leave, Like, for example, if you're really happy with your job, if you love or you work, and the only thing it's a consideration at the moment is pay and you have this conversation and then they're like, sorry, we're not going to pay you anymore. You may make the decision to leave down the track, but I don't think you have to walk in there with this mentality of like, if you don't pay me
more money, I'm quitting. The reality is is that if they don't meet you at all, if there's no wiggle room, you probably will end up becoming a bit resentful and wanting to leave anyway because you will feel like, well, I put forward the best case, I'm not valued here and I want to work somewhere where I am valued. Everybody wants to feel valued where they work, and one of the best ways of feeling valued, not the only way,
but a very important way is financially. The only other thing I want to say on this is maybe the business isn't in a situation where they're able to give pay rises because of financial constraints. COVID Hospitality, Like, there's so many reasons why a business may not be able to give you a pay rise right now. So I think, like, make sure that you have a full conversation around it.
And if they say no now, and that's your boss's reply is like, no, you're not getting a pay rise at the moment, find out why and what you can do to work towards a pay rise.
But this is also why I said, just know what you think you want to do in your mind, and it's not to go into your boss and if she says no, say cool, I'm quitting. That's not it, and you don't tell her. If it's a no, it's hitting. It's more fucking it out, bit flip a table on your way. It's more so that you know in your head, Okay, cool. If I'm not going to be met with what I need and what I think I deserve and the answer is no, then I know in myself I can start to look for another job totally.
And the most important thing for anybody in the workplace is nobody is going to advocate for you the way that you need.
To advocate for yourself.
If you deserve a pay rise, you have to ask for it because very few employees, very few workplaces are just fucking given out pay rises, Willy. Nearly everyone wants to hold onto their bottom dollar. Everyone wants to run their business as efficiently as possible. And you know, even if your business or company does offer you a pay rise, because you're deserving of one, you can always ask for more.
The only other thing I would suggest from and this is just from experience, is to try and make sure there is a pay per trayal of things. So even if you do go and have a verbal conversation, just say, hey, I'm just going to shoot you through an email just to reconfirm what we spoke about. That is my suggestion as well, because there's nothing more important than if you
need to go. If you do decide to stay, and she says no, and in another year's time you want to go back, you can say, look like, this isn't the first time I've approached you. But if everything's just in a verbal conversation, it's a lot harder to prove these things. I just it just saves your ass.
Totally, especially if they say, oh, if you work towards these things, we'll give you a pay rise.
And now you're like, look, I did ticked it all off. Yeah, one hundred percent.
Anyway, I feel like that that's our that's.
My life advice. Good.
Everybody needs to ask for what they.
Want in life.
It's very, very important and it can be scary, but it also is very rewarding.
Question number two.
All right, ladies, I have heard you answer this question in other ways before. However, I think my predicament is slightly different. My best friends and my closest girlfriend hate my boyfriend now uft. Yeah, And this is interesting because we have answered this question before where it's been like I don't like my friend's boyfriend, but never my friends hate my boyfriend. Okay, so she goes on my friends hate my boyfriend. At the beginning, when we first started dating,
he was a bit of a dick to me. We had plenty of fights and it was a little bit of a rocky start. He never cheated on me, he never did anything that we couldn't overcome. However, now we're in a really, really good place and I really want my friends to be able to see the guy that I see. Unfortunately, they won't give him a chance, and it seems like we're never going to get to a
place where we can all be friends. What can I do to create a little bit more peace and to make my friends like my boyfriend break up?
Not joking dogs, get a new one, Yeah, get a new one. Thank you. Next. This is really tough, and it immediately takes me back to this thought of I've done it in the past, Laura, You've done in the past. It's just human nature. Everyone is guilty of it. When you have an argument or something negative happens in a relationship, you want to talk to your friends and you want to vent about it. You want to go and say, hey, this happened, can you like? It's always like you want
a validation. Can you believe he did that? And then they're like, oh my god, he should never have done that. Then you have this whole little conversation. You very rarely go to your friends and say he is the most amazing guy. He has done everything for me. He brought me tea in bed last night. Like, you just don't say those little things because it's not something you feel like you need to overly share. And like sometimes you
do at the start of a relationship. Of course, like I used to a lure all the cute things that Jordan did, But it's just human nature to go and complain and want to vent and get counseling from your friends on this kind of thing. What you do need to be really careful of and hyper aware of is that you don't feel like you're always just complaining about your partner to your friends. I mean, unless he's just a dig all the time, then sure, maybe you need to come to the realization that he's a dig all
the time. There's a reason why your friends don't like it. If you're only ever saying the negative things, of course your friends are gonna get this idea. We're like, oh my god, every second week, he's doing something horrible, she's so upset all the time, and of course that's going to implant on them. It's gonna be and they're not gonna like him, and that's normal. I've got friends like that. But then when I've brought it up with my friends, they're like, yeah, but I don't ever tell you the
good stuff, And this is the problem. What you can actually do about that is it's really really tough. I think what you need to do is have a sit down with your friends if they have said to you, if you know, if it's very openly like I don't like your partner, you need to sit down and ask why.
You need to have a little bit of an intervention and say, look at you've seen something I don't or find out the reason, find out where this dislike, this disdaining, this hate, whatever it is, find out where it has come from. Maybe you can dispel some of these myths. Maybe you can correct them on some of the assumptions that they've made. But ultimately, if they just don't like your partner, I think you just need to have a
level of separation. I think you just need to say cool, Maybe we just don't hang out as a group anymore. But I need you to know that I really love him, and I need you guys on my team on that, Like I think if you're just really honest with your friends, I really love my partner. I would love for you guys to love him. But if you do, let's just not all hang out in a group situation, and then maybe you can work towards it. But it's a really sticky situation.
Yeah, I mean I agree mostly, I think I can see you, mate.
She's like, like, what do I agree it?
Okay? I think the big part of what you're talking about, Bree, is like boundaries. We all need to have boundaries in our relations There was a word for it, no, but it's true. Like if you are lacking in boundaries in that you go and you tell every single thing that happens in your relationship to your friends, then you are painting a one sided picture. And then the problem is is like the repair, Like when you get home from having a fight with your partner and your partner buys
your flowers or does all these nice things. Your friends don't see that that's not an assumed thing. So unfortunately your relationship is better, it's repaired, but your friends are still living in a capsule of what's just happened and of what you've told them. So obviously, like that is and creates a huge disparity and a reason why so many people can get into these situations where their friends can cause these situations where you know, there's a rift
between their friend and their boyfriends. I think there's more sides to this as well. I do think you need, like brit said, have a really honest conversation with your friends, sit down and ask them for reasons. You know, what is it that he's done, What is it that he's said, Is it the picture that I painted, or is it the person that you have met, like to explain a little bit more context around why you dislike him so much.
There could be the possibility that you are blinded by the love and the orgasms and all of the great things. He could be a dick, like there is a chance that that's a possibility as well. And I think love is blind. This is true, and your friends mostly want the best for you, and sometimes our friends can see things that we can't see. Does that mean that you should throw the relationship in the bin? No, But I think sometimes it means there needs to be a little
bit more context around those conversations with friends. If they genuinely are friends who love you and support you and aren't just friends who flip when something good is happening in your life and try to function up for you. If they're genuinely great peace people who want the best for you. I think sometimes we have to listen to
what's happening. And the other part of that is if everything is fine, if your relationship is genuinely great, if you've gotten to a place where you think, no, you know what, all the dramas we have in the beginning, we're just teething problems. We are awesome now. I do honestly think that the relationship between your friends and him will catch up. Like I said, they're living in this
capsule from six months ago or five months ago. The more that you know he proves, the more that you keep on giving them that positive validation around your relationship, the more that you when you hang out with him, you're like, oh, this happened, and we're really great and we're really happy. Over time, that shifts the perception that you originally painted or that he originally painted by his actions.
Ultimately, you can't force anybody to like anybody. You can't sit down and say you will like him. It's just not going to happen, So all you can do is sit down, figure out why, where it comes from, and
map out what you can do from it. From there, But one hundred percent what Laura said is start to just share with them some of the great things that he does for you, the good times, the happy times, and why you love him so much, and it might slowly start to shift without them feeling like you're putting pressure on them to like him.
And I also think don't try and do group situations, Like if you're in a period right now where your girlfriends as a collective don't like him, just pit them off one by one, go for like a dinner with one of them.
That sounds like you want to like it's fird of them, one point, win the mom.
Just don't try and win them over as a group, because that's super overwhelming for your partner to then walk into the situation where he feels like, oh fuck, these five chicks hate me. Like, just go to the beach with one of them, go to the movies with one
of them, go for dinner with one of them. And I think in smaller settings we're able to be a little bit more vulnerable, a little bit more honest and you can allow for like a bit more conversation and communication, and by doing that, maybe then they will start to see the side of him that you really love and see you guys as a couple and it's not just you verse them, which kind of can be set up
when you do these big group settings. Have you ever been in a situation where your friends haven't liked your boyfriend?
Yeah, the sociopath, the one that was cheating on me for like two years. They didn't like him. And did they tell you they didn't like him? No, they didn't. I could pick up that he wasn't their favorite human. But once it all came out two years later, so after the fact, my family, my friends, everyone was like, never really liked him. I could always sense he was a bad egg, and I was like, why don't you
tell me? They said, your happiness is our happiness, and they just wanted they could see that I was happy, even though I was fake happy, Like I was so distraught throughout that whole relationship, but I just put on a brave face and they're like, we didn't want to burst your bubble. I wish they were more honest with me, but I wish they did it that's because that was an extreme situation. They all thought he was cheating on me, and I wish they probably brought it to me up
my attention, But hindsight's a wonderful thing. If they actually came to me and said, hey, with his cheating on you, I probably would have said, no fucking way, you're starting stuff, and I would have been defensive. So it's a really really tricky situation.
Minded by the orgasm bubble.
Yeah, one percent, And that's a thing. The orgasm bubble is a thing. Really, Yes, I mean I feel like everyone hated your X too.
Everyone.
Okay, if you're new to this podcast and you haven't been listening for long, the episode that Britt is talking about is episode three. She dated a sociopath. Literally, she dated a guy who had a double life. And I feel like everybody who has listened to the podcast for any length of time knows about it. But if you're new, you need to go back and listen to it.
Yeah.
I've definitely been in this situation before where I've had my friends hate my boyfriend. And that's why I say, sometimes, you know, you might think that your relationship is in a really good spot, but they might be seeing things that you can't say it's fair news. Yeah, they might know something, or sometimes we really can be blinded by what's happening around us and in our relationships, and mostly our friends and our family want the best for us.
So I think it comes down to you to really judge. Did you paint that picture? Is it kind of your fault that they hate him? Or do they hate him for other reasons? And if so, you might need a little bit of time to unpack what that is. But communication is the most important thing, and I think having a really honest conversation with your girlfriends is the first place to start.
Question number three.
Question number three, I have a lot of feelings about question number three.
Am I a bad feminist? I would say that I'm all for equality and rethinking the gender roles, but I hit a mental roadblock yesterday. My boyfriend and I recently graduated from the same degree. He decided to pursue an entrepreneurial career. However, he doesn't make any money yet and it seems also not in the near future. What is important to know is that he is also quite a free spirit and he sleeps in until noon, So I can't even say that he is working his ass off.
I cannot even say he's out there giving it a go. I now got a job offer which will be very well paid. It will be a stressful job with forty plus hours, where most of the colleagues started around seven and worked till very late. Yesterday, after I said that I am so happy to finally earn some money and not rethink every single purchase four times, my boyfriend suggested that we should move into a big, fancy flat, with him paying six hundred euros and me paying fourteen hundred euros,
so more than double him. It would be a very big chunk of money, even for my salary. Also just interrupting here, I love it. We've got someone from Europe. It's like talking about euros. I realized that I have an inherent problem with paying far more rent than my partner, especially since we have the same degree and in my eyes, the same chance as an opportunity to earn good money. I kind of think that I would feel different if he was just earning less money but doing something really
passionately or working really hard, but he doesn't. What do you guys think of this situation? Would you be fine with him not working much and still asking me to pay more. I just want to jump in here real quick before we get into this and say it is absolutely irrelevant who earns more money in a relationship. Personally, I have been in a relationship where I have been the breadwinner and I have earned more, and I have been in a relationship where I earned far, far less.
The thing that I really want to drive home here is it's about effort and motivation and what you're putting into the relationship. If you're not earning much money, but you're working really hard and you're doing something you're passionate about, brilliant, that's all you need to do. Especially if I was in a relationship if my partner was earning less than me, I couldn't care less if I knew they were getting up every day doing what they love and really really
trying hard. But I just want to really push that point at the start before we jump into this. I think I know what your opinion is anyway, Laura, but because I would hate for anyone to think that we feel like money is the motivating factor, because it's absolutely not. Motivation is the motivating factor. The very first line where you said, am I a bad feminist. I would say that I'm all for equality and rethinking the gender roles,
but I hit a mental roadblock yesterday. The reason why you hit a mental roadblock is because this is not equality. Women were not burning their bras so that your boyfriend consider around. I don't even wear a bra anymore, but I'm okay.
It lows my mind that somehow we have been conditioned to think that, you know, earning more money being the bread winner in the house means like that's where the equality is. The reality is back in the day, women not being recognized for the unpaid labor that they were doing every day, the endless hours of housework and cleaning and raising children and organizing birthday parties and going and picking up shopping. Your boyfriend's not doing that. He's sleeping
till noon. So this is not equality. I would hate for anybody to get into a situation where their partner rives on their hard work and dresses it up as Oh, it's okay for gender roles to be reversed, because women are not laying around the house not doing anything. We're not just being this free spirited version of ourselves whilst our partners go out and hustle hard and then live
off their money. It made me so mad when I read the start of this, so I understand why you had this period of like, hold on, this doesn't feel right to me, and it's because it's not right.
Now.
We have spoken on this podcast before about when you have.
Different incomes to your partner, how doing fifty to fifty monetarily down the.
Middle is not fair or right.
When you are in a relationship and your partner earns vastly more than you, regardless of gender, that you should pay percentage wise are more even split? That also comes with conversation if your partner is choosing not to earn money, if your partner is choosing not to contribute, what else are they contributing to the relationship? Are they cooking dinner
every night? Are they cleaning? Are they doing other things in your relationship that add value that allow you to do the work that you do, in which case totally fair. If they are just mooching off you, then I think there's some much bigger problems in your relationship. And I'm sure as shit would not be wasting all of the money that you could be putting into a savings account for yourself to set yourself up for a future, to
pay more on rent to live in a house. That means that you're then financially stretched, just so that he can continue to float around and figure out what it is he wants to do with himself.
Cool, so we've answered that question. I'm like, so so everything she said, I'm like, okay, there's my point. Ah, yep, I've got nuh yep. Nonhing else to say. No, I think there's more, Like no, I do have more. I'm okay, right, Sorry. I was like, what about this? You just said everything that I was thinking, and every next thought I had you said it as well. I couldn't agree more. The thing that really gets me is the expectation that now you earn more money, that will upgrade our house. Like
that's the bit that gets me. It'd be very different if he never said anything and you were like, you know what, like we could afford a nice place now. The idea was yours. There was no expectations, and he was grateful for it. I don't like the assumption of I can continue to sleep until midday and stay at home while you earn the money, and I can benefit
from this lifestyle. I am all for equality, and I one hundred percent think that, like Laura mentioned that we have spoken about before, when it comes to finances, if both people are working equally as hard, but one person male or female, it's irrelevant one person's earning significantly more. Then yes, if they want a specific lifestyle, they can't expect it to be fifty to fifty. But it doesn't work in reverse. I would be more than happy if I was with somebody that was working their butt off
and I earned twice as more. I would be happy to be paying for more. If he was doing what he wanted to do and he was passionate about it and he was really putting the effort in. That's so fine. The thing that gets me is and I couldn't do it. I take my hat off to you, but I could not be with someone that had no work ethic, no motivation, and slept until midday. For me, that's a bit of a red flag. And some people are fine with it,
but I would not be comfortable. What I would do if you absolutely in love and want to say in that relationship, that's great. But what I would say to him if you're not happy with it is I think we just make good use of this situation. We stay where we are, and I'm just going to put this away and save it. And it may you could say, you might not end up with him. Who knows. You could say, I'm just gonna start to put it away. Maybe we can buy a house or something down the track.
But ultimately those funds are yours. You are earning them until he goes out to pull his weight. I don't think you owe him anything. I've calmed down of it now. Oh thank god, I see the sand coming out of your ears.
Just like the other part that I want to touch on quickly is this idea about entrepreneurship, right Like, I don't want anyone to think that I'm undervaluing what this guy's ambitions are, because I think there is nothing sexier or more inspiring than somebody who has an entrepreneurial brain.
But I do not know one. I do not know one entrepreneur who sleeps until midday.
Not one.
They are working their.
Asses off because they have to have to to start a business, to start a new idea, to really get that endeavor off the ground, you work your butt off. And in that case, I would fully understand the split between incomes and how you guys work. But the other part of this is you're working so hard to allow your partner to have the luxury of relaxation and time. But not only just relaxation as in he gets to sleep in all day, but as in like he is not being forced to make decisions around his career.
He's got a luxury buffer.
Yeah, I got this buffer where he's like, oh, maybe i'll try this, Maybe I'll try this, because you're the.
One doing all the hard work.
Well, there's no urgency in it, is there? Because he comes home to a roof over his head and he comes if you weren't there, what would he do? Ask yourself that if you weren't there, can he pay the rent? Can he put food on the table? Or is he relying on you that extremely.
And that's the reality of it, right, Like that is not equality.
And I think that, like I said at the beginning, that's why this got me so in the go when I first read this, And I think I've probably experienced something similar where one of my earlier relationships, my ex was very much like, I don't mind if you're the breadwinner. But at the time I didn't realize that me being the breadwinner just allowed him to be the struggling artist, and it meant that I struggled as well because I was then paying for two people. But I kind of at the time was like.
Yeah, I love you, I'll do it city whatever I'm like making the money.
No, it wasn't fair, and it would be a very different thing if you had kids and if he was at home raising the children and doing all or the unpaid household labor. Like I said, but that's just not the case. And I think that you have every right to feel a little bit taken advantage of in this situation. And I really think something that we've touched on on a finance podcast we did ages ago, but it is so important, especially as a woman, to put savings away.
It's so important to have your own financial stability and to make sure that you are taking care of your one financial literacy and two financial future that is an independent future from your partner. And like brit said, I cannot recommend putting that money towards savings and not towards rental.
Maybe you can even have a sit down with him and talk about it. Maybe you can say, hey, let's map out our goals let's where are we going to be in a year, Like, let's try and figure this out, because if we can both accumulate X amount of money a week and put that away, and obviously the X amount of money that you're suggesting to him is more than he earns. Now it's gonna involve him getting a job. But some people are visual people, and I've done this
in the past. Maybe you can say, look what we could be putting away one year if we are both bringing this much home a week once. Sometimes once people can see it, they can get a little bit more drive and a little bit motivation. So maybe your partner is not as independent and fiercely is driven as you. Maybe he needs a little bit of a prompt But I don't think you have to go to him and say you're not pulling your weight. I'm not doing that, Like,
you don't have to make it an aggressive conversation. But I think you can definitely sit down and see if he does have any motivation to earn more in the year, if he's got motivation to actually start this career, to get up and work nine to five, and maybe you can say, hey, you could send him video links. There are so many motivational speakers that are like my day starts at seven am. Anyone that wants to earn a
business who knows what he needs. But once you've provided him all the tools he needs, if he's still not being proactive, if he's still sleeping until twelve o'clock and he's still expecting you to pay more, maybe you need to reconsider where your relationship's going. And I know that sounds I'm not saying break up with him. I'm absolutely not, because different relationships work. It's just something to consider if this is going to be your future for a long time.
And I guess like as well, I want one hundred percent agree.
I think there is a lot of consideration to happen here.
But relationships change so much after university, especially relationships that are formed in UNI, because careers take place. You don't have the same sort of flexibility. It's not as fun. You're not going to Unibar every week like the real world kind of kicks you in the guts a little bit.
When you grow up, you change and what you want changes totally.
And there may come a point where maybe he is quite happy to live that university esque lifestyle far longer than what you are and that Peter Pan syndrome sets in. This could turn into a very big area of resentment if it's not something that's mapped out early. And if you guys kind of don't get on the same page with this, so communicate, communicate. I'm pretty much this is
how we answer every question. Talk about your feelings. But do not think that you need to continue to contribute more to allow somebody to contribute less.
Well said Laura. And also I just want to say to that person that rode in all the way from Europe, that really like makes me feel good that you're listening to us in Europe. They are an Australian who is living in the UK. No they No, they're definitely not, because a that's the pound, Laura, not Europe. Oh fin.
Cute though, love that I haven't traveled in a really long time now, guys.
But no, I just love that we've got some listeners from overseas. So you just shout out to everyone listening from another country.
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