Ask Uncut - Would You Take Grandma's Urn?

This episode was recorded on Cameragle Land. Hi guys, and welcome back to another episode of Life Uncut.

I'm Laura, I'm Brittany, and this is Ask Guncut where we answer you're deep, you're duck, and you're burning questions.

Thank you to everybody who's written in a question this week.

That was nice, Laura to trying to thank you and thank you for people they're writing in the aftermaths as well.

We're going to do that soon. Oh okay, So I'm actually so excited by this.

We've been talking about aftermaths for as long as we've been doing Ask Gun Cut, which is a good five years now.

And the problem is is that we've talked a lot a lot of talk, not a lot of action, which I would like to not on USK.

That is exactly what I was going to say. That is not an US problem. That is it for everyone whose questions we've answered problem. And after all this time, I'd started to I'd started to get a bit of self doubt because you guys rarely give us the update on what has been happening after you send in the question. You just the advice and then you run off into

Whilst I'm cackling for a second, someone reached me yesterday. Someone commented on my Instagram and said, shut the fuck up. The world doesn't need to hear that laugh. Yeah. Yeah, And she was a middle aged woman.

It always is. What was the name, Wendy. We'll go with Wendy. Do you actually I think it was Wendy.

It always is a middle aged woman. It always is. And you know, while I say this, because you guys know the whole tit out saga. We talked about it on Tuesday. I said that their name was Stephen. That was to save them, so you're gonna out them. It wasn't a Stephen. It was a Diana. Okay, it was a fucking Diana. And she was a middle aged woman too.

Do you know what though?

The YouTube comments which seemed to be weirdly geared towards me at the moment, in the negative ones always about appearance, always from men. So YouTube and Instagram different audiences, different karens yeap.

Keisha's a bit sensitive at the moment because someone commented on her lipstick yesterday and said yuck.

That one didn't hurt me as much as the one from.

The week before, which I won't repeat here, but that one really did get to me.

That was the one the week before. We're not going there. I was called mate, Diana, fuck off, fuck off, Wendy.

Also, if your name's Diana and you love the podcast, please this is that was not aimed at you.

We love you. And Wendy. Also, I knowed even you're all great. I know plenty of great Wendy. It's just another day of being a girl on the internet, isn't it. Yeah, But I don't know.

It's more offensive to me because my laugh is like the core part of who I am. Like, you can change your lipstick, Keisha, I can't change my laugh. It is ingrained who I am.

So be fair.

I mean, we really do ask for it just by putting ourselves out there.

It's our fault. Have you guys said, that's not doing victim blame? I am the victim. Here was a joke.

Have you guys seen that video of Ariana grind on a podcast where she's oh, by the way, another thing the criticism.

I am highly aware now that.

Perhaps we should have been slightly more sensitive talking about Wicked, because I did not realize how many people were Wicked stands and how many people were going to come in and support Ariana Grande. But there is a video of her on a podcast from a couple months ago, and she's talking and it sounds as though it's.

In her actual normal voice.

And then midway through it switches to that kind of softer, more like baby style voice.

That she has. Well, like she forgot that she wasn't in character for a moment, and people were like, hang on a second, what just it? Was there a glitch in your matrix? Like what happened there?

There's been a lot of conversations online about Ariana having this different voice, and I don't.

See the problem now, I do.

I don't understand the outrage about it because she's clearly a character in this movie.

It's called method acting, yeah.

And she's allowing that character to kind of flow into her interviews and everything else.

I think it's okay for me.

I actually think it makes the whole production around it more special.

I like that she stayed in character. I like, we don't know who you are? Is she Gwen?

Is she? Because I've not seen Wicked, so Wicked people don't come back.

I don't think we should talk about it. I just have one question. Is she Gwenda? Is she the good Witch Glinda? She's Glinda?

Yeah, not Gwenda, not Wendy, Wendy, not Gwendall close.

But the one comment that I did see that I thought was actually kind of maybe fair enough is that apparently people who are singers sometimes deliberately speaking a higher registrar because it softens the damage that they can do their vocal.

Cords or something about I thought it was a bit strange.

If you're going to agree to be on a podcast, to me, I think you're agreeing to talking for an hour.

I disagree.

I think she realized halfway through that she was damaging her vocal cords, and she thought, this is my most important assays.

I think she just thought, fuck, I slipped character.

If you think people have a phone voice, right, It's normal for people to change their voice depending on their surroundings. If somebody is sitting at home with their family having a yarn, having a bari, then they have to go and do a keynote present in front of a thousand people, They're going to speak differently. Like if you pick up

Why don't you use that voice on the podcast box? I have an a Basha.

Hey, I did have an interesting message that came through on Life on cart and I wanted to ask you if you had ever experienced this, And I did put on my Instagram as well. But Laura, for some reason, I think that you're going to have a story surrounding this. So one of our life has wrote in, Hey, so I've just had this conversation. I've literally just heard this.

This girl just.

Found out that her partner cheated on her, and in retaliation, she took his grandmother's own She took his earn, Yes, the actual urn with the ashes in it. I cannot wrap my head around this. Surely this can't be true. I mean, who would take an earn? And if someone did, what on earth would they do with it? Added the ashes, hold it hostage, use it as a twisted.

Trophy of revenge.

And then the listener literally said, I for some reason, I feel like Laura and your listeners are going to have a story around this.

That's a character assassination. Yeah, I'm not a who wrote that? In was that Wendy again?

Okay, so I added that in she just said, I think your listeners will have stories, but I have story that's wild.

I would love to know if this person, whoever this person is, I would love to know if the guy realized, like, does he check in on Nana frequently enough that he noticed it was missing?

Because it's only impactful if you're like, where the fucktion go? But it's a whole.

She didn't just scoop it out and be like, ha ha, I'm stealing Nana. Like you would notice an entire urn gone.

But you would only notice an urn gone if it's in a particularly prevalent place in the house or if it's something you check on, because they often people get an urn.

I mean I should shouldn't say often. I just mean me recently.

You get an urn and then you put it somewhere with the intention of scattering it. But it doesn't necessarily go on display. You might put it in a wardrobe or put it somewhere, which sounds because like Nana doesn't belong in a wardrobe.

About Nana was closeted a whole life. Goddamn it. If your nan is in a wardrobe, take her ound.

I always thought of maybe I've just been led down the garden path by movies. But I always thought that you get an urn and you put it on the fireplace. I don't have a fireplace, but if I did, I feel like that's where I put my urn.

We've spoken to it earns a lot lately. But the reason, well, I mean, there is a good reason.

For that, but it does depend on how much you spend on the urn, because there's different caliber of urns. There's the plastic one, which is just like a blue plastic box, which people are not putting on the mantelpiece. Or there's what my mum went for with poor old Nana. She just came in a giant griplock bag, So you're not putting that on the mantelpiece.

That's got to go.

And what the wolworst bag hasn't been hung over the fireplace with it?

Do you know what I mean?

Think that maybe it was like a beautiful, expensive ceramic urn and she's selling grammar on the black market.

No, no, I have absolutely no idea. But that is a pretty cooked revenge story for cheating. I understand that cheating often, when you find out that it has been done to you, you want to enact some sort of revenge. I would like to think that most of us are above it, but like often there is something.

But that's a pretty low blow. I've got a bit of respect for it. Do she take it if she's gonna use it to blackmail?

I mean, you've got to take something that has value, and what wouldn't you.

Do to get your grandmother?

But I don't think it's blackmail. I think she's just taking it to hurt him. I think it's just a you know, that's why you take something when you break up, like a cruel, Like what's so important to either you that you want to keep it or so important to that person that you want to like, I don't think she's blackmailing him, but.

Why would you take it? Then?

Let trying to use it as like a bargaining chip, but bargaining for what? That's my point, Go back and uncheat on me, like you cut. There's no there's nothing that you can get back with that sort of bargain.

Maybe it's like, I'll give you Grandma back if I can keep the dog. She's put herself in a position.

I've said she I don't even know if it was she. She's just put herself in a position of power, is all I'm saying.

And I'm not saying that I would do the same, but it's a bold move. It's a power.

I don't know if she's done it as a bargaining chip. The way that I kind of interpret this is that she's taken it from his house without him knowing for sure that it's her. So she's stolen it so that when he does discover that Grandma's gone, he feels upset and he'll be like, hey, what happened did you take this? And she's gonna be like, you're crazy, No, I didn't.

Him, which I think is pretty fucking cruel.

Well, I did ask some of you guys, like have you ever broken up or been broken up with them?

Like?

What did you take?

They're pretty funny. I took all the herbs and spices from the pantry. They take so long to accumulate, so sucked it. I took all the top of wear lids, but not the container, just so that they can't put anything in.

I took my ex's lawn. What do you mean, like he's AstroTurf or like a lawn, the lawn.

He cared so much about his lawn that she went and dug up the lawn with a shovel.

That fuck, yes, good good.

Can you just imagine I'm gonna fucking show you two weeks later, you're still digging up, but I'm gonna let me get there.

No, because lawn is something that if you've got a good lawn, you were proud of that lawn. Like, I get it. I understand that ain't no matter Scott's fertilizer. That's bringing that back to life.

There were a lot of like I took his birth certificate, which is like what sort of rung and bell I thought that's something you would do because you've broken into houses before and forged signatures, and.

I've told you guys about how I forged my ex's signature. So because because and I know that this comes up, this comes up every time we talk about ex revenge and cheating stories training new listeners. It's a very I'll give you a quick quick overview. Found out my partner was cheating on me. We've been together for quite a while, and I had booked us flights to go to the Philippines together for my friend's wedding, so.

I'd paid for it, I'd booked it. We were going Sabu Air.

The reason why that's important is because Sabu Air are fucking great because most airlines don't let you change flights into other people's names.

You just like you can't transfer flights anyway.

Broke up with him. I wanted to take my girlfriend Kaya to the wedding with me. I contacted Sabou and they were like, well, you need to have his passport and a signature. So I contacted him and told him he couldn't come to the wedding, and he was like, well, I'm not signing that we're going to get back together. He was so adamant that we were going to get back together, even though he was the one who cheated

Had a great time. But Laura, imagine if you had his grandma in an urn. And I also took his nad up.

But imagine if you say you will sign this document because that is the only way you're getting grandma by totally.

The only other crazy thing I did, and it was to the same guy when he cheated on me.

Another time was I took his phone.

I threw it off the balcony and that landed several stories down at a pool.

So like, get to be this viny.

I always wanted to again. I watched you in new movies. I always wanted to be in that kind of a breakup, which is this is toxic in itself. But I thought if I ever was gonna have a breakup like you'd go hard and you do it properly. And I wanted to be on like the second story of a building and he's on the grass on the lawn and I'm throwing down his clothes over the balcony and throwing That's what I kind of break up I envisioned for myself. You know what I thought I was deserving of farm.

Well never did.

So not to like repeat more stories about my girlfriend Kaya, but the reason why we I mean, we've been the best of friends for like twelve years now, but one of our bonding moments was she I hope I'm telling this story right, because she'll hear this.

And be like, you fuck she maybe just don't name her. She thought she got cheated on hers so long ago that now it's funny.

She thought she got cheated on and so she keeped her boyfriend's car, but then found out he didn't actually cheat.

And did he did she tell him he knew she like went real crazy in Keaty's car. And does she fix her? I don't know, she was young. Oh you can't tell a story like that, not to the purpose of defamation. Yes, she did fix it.

She came for all of.

The refairs and it was not kaya, it was Plaire. It's been more than ten years. Statutory of dec whatever, it's got.

Limitations, which doesn't exists with the facts that you can do any illegal manuver you want, and the second you hit ten years you're allowed to talk about it because they can't touch you. I'm like, that's not statutory limitations except murder.

Apparently that one that doesn't flyff.

Nothing does if breaking into still has a limit, like, it doesn't just go away.

Satutary limitations. It didn't happen. It was ten years ago. I'm a new person now.

It's like when you write something really offensive on the internet from ten years ago and you go, but I'm a new person, they say, And I don't know how.

Backed by science, this is that every cell in your body is replaced in a seven year cycle.

So it wasn't even her who did it. It was the old her, seven year ago her.

I think one person just wrote in now four of his left shoes. That's good, that's good. Yeah, oh man.

We love these sending your revenge stories because I'm sure that there is more of them, great cheating revenges. It's time for vibes and unsubscribes Kita, you can go first, my friend.

This is a click one for me today. It is an app and it is called sim Pull Interval Timer. So it says sit so like sit, but it's all in capitals and it is an app that is completely free.

To barter, it's called debatera training. Interesting, yeah, that's also it's called hit training. I think that that's Liker. They're all the stival training.

Well, anyway, this app it's blue and it's got zero zero zero four on the app label. It enables you to adjust the number of sets, the action and the break.

So to explain that, I'll give you the sets that I did.

So I set it to have eight sets of a minute of action with fifteen seconds of break, and then you just hit down the bottom and it will come up with the total time that it will take you, which for me was nine minutes and forty five seconds, and you hit let's go. And what I real about this one not only is it free, which I think is great, but you can listen to other things at

I assume would be really frustrating. I just simply wouldn't use it.

And the little beeps just come through on top of what you're actually listening to, so it doesn't make it pause, which would annoy me as well.

So yeah, it's called SIT or Simple Interval Trainer, and if you want to get into any type of interval training, I really recommend it give it a go because it's free, so it won't cost you anything.

Amazing vibe for the week is it's MC beauty, and I know I vibe MC beauty a lot, but genuinely it's like the only makeup I wear at the moment, and it's so good. Now I am not a contour Galley. I don't do it well and I don't know how to do it. And brit will attest to this because once she was like, are you contouring the end of your nose?

And I was like, I don't know people do that. No, you're just aggressive with it. Yeah, no, you were just aggressive. You were sort of doing it, but it was just a bit wild.

Well, okay, it's the MC Beauty Instant Contor Beauty wand I use the medium to dark because I think the light to medium is probably not quite dark enough, if that gives you some sort of reference point. It's seventeen dollars forty, like, it's so well priced, and it is amazing if you are not someone who is very good at contor. It is a really nice color. It blends really really well into your foundation. And I think I like it better than just a normal bronzeer because it's it's not glittery.

Can you show me what it looks like?

It's this one. I think these are the Charlotte Tilbury dupes. Right, yeah, sorry, Charlotte Tilbury. Yeah sorry, I'm sure yours is very good too, but I ain't seventeen dollars forty so the only.

Good that's a good stick.

My only grite that I have about this is that unless you relock the tip, it leaks, and you have to be someone who's very good at like opening and unlocking every time you use it, as well as taking the cap off. So that would be my one recommendation around product development and packaging development. But the actual contents and product self is so worth checking a couple of them in your cart when you're at Big w or Coals or wherever you get stuff from.

Love that and also your contouring looks great. Thanks bag from here with lit lights. That was weird was thank you, thank you so much? So cont so fresh. Okay, So my vibe this Week is a documentary on Netflix. It's currently in the top ten somewhere trending. It's called Buy Now The Shopping Conspiracy. It is brilliant. It's a very

We will make sure that all the.

Parts go to the right place, that the batteries, because we all know about lifting batteries and the damage to that kind of thing.

They go like.

Undercover and find out what really happens to them and then it's so dangerous. They are not being like the things that we think are being recycled are not being recycled.

I watched this after your recommendation, Britt, and I think especially now obviously we're in the thick of Black Friday, and I found it as someone who runs retail businesses, I found it deeply fascinating. I've only seen the first half of it, but something that I think I really took away from it is when you think about your big, fast fashion moving brands like.

She is the worst on the documentary, Sheen has the highest mass production.

I never know how to say it.

So Sheen, Zara, H and M ten years ago, when I fifteen years ago, like when I started Tony May, there used to be seasons.

There used to be spring, summer, winter, fashion. That was it.

So you had your your summer fashion label launch, you had your winter fashion label.

Launch, three drops Mac, and that was it.

Those launchers were so substantial and robust in how you campaigned them that the products themselves would sustain you throughout the whole year. Because of online shopping and because of places like Zara, h ANDM and Sheen, Sheen makes one point three million different new designs every single year, like products specifically like new tops, new pants, knew everything, new products every.

Year and mass produces each product.

Yeah, and the thing that's fascinating now is that every brand and it's changed how small brands function as well, are expected to continuously bring out new drops. We as a small business can't keep up with the big businesses either, But it all talks about how we are being marketed to. There is a sign around how we are a consumers

They have whistleblowers from like added as Apple, Amazon, people that were working there for like ten fifteen years, people that were the head of the game that literally walked away and were like, I cannot consciously contribute to this. The part that really made me upset and I was so shocked about were there were a few whistleblowers that were just staffed, not CEOs, that came forward and spoke

But it's also the same for designer fashion labels like your Burberry, your Dodge and Gabana your Louis Vuitton. They slash their goods and put them into landfill because they do not want to sell them at a reduced price because then people will wait for them to go and sale. And the other part of it is they will not give their goods to charity because they don't want people from low socio economic households wearing them, because they want it to be a high end design arrange. It is

So that is by now the shopping conspiracy on Netflix. I cannot recommend it highly enough.

Yeah, I reckon watch it and then we can have a bigger like everyone watch it. We can have a big conversation about it. Question at number one, my parents gave more money to my sibling than what they have given to me. A couple of years ago, my sister got married and my parents gave her a substantial monetary gift for her wedding.

I got a third of the amount.

For my wedding the year before, but were still so grateful for anything. Now, a few months after their wedding, they wanted to buy a house and were loaned the entire deposit from my parents to pay back. A couple of years on, they have not paid a cent back, and my parents haven't asked for it either. I have received approximately fifty thousand dollars less than them over the past three years, and now that there's been no repayments or discussion about this, I'm starting to become a bit bitter.

To do more than my parents can.

I'm frustrated at both my sibling and my parents, but don't want this to seem like I am only chasing money. I want there to be accountability. How would you handle this with your own family members?

Dun, dun, dun No, Nona. This is a tough one.

I'm probably not the best person to answer this because I have different views on this.

Well.

I have the view that your parents don't owe you anything. I truly believe that when you become an adult, it's not up to your parents to be giving you the house deposit and to be setting you up like I don't know, and there'll be people that completely disagree with this, But I'm going to use my family as an example. I'm one of four kids, and my parents always made sure we had all of what we needed to do whatever we needed to do in terms of education. So

Yeah, I do as I agree, And I also think sometimes we can equate money to love, especially when it comes from our parents. You know, if my parents did this for one sibling and haven't done it for me, then it must mean.

That they love them more than they love me.

Things are not always fifty to fifty in life like, things are not always equitable in that way, and your parents may not have even really thought it through in terms of like that you might be feeling as though you were left out or feeling as though that there was an inequality there.

Because I think it's great in the money, right.

I think for you it feels as though it's a symbol of how much they maybe care about you verse how much they care about your sister, and how much they're investing in you versu investing in your sister. I think if it's something that's really really upsetting you and you are becoming bitter by it and you are becoming resentful, then a conversation with your parents and I know you, brit you said it's more anger towards the sister, but well, the.

Parents wouldn't be giving it if the sister wasn't asking for it.

Totally, absolutely, the parents wouldn't be giving it.

But also the parents maybe are just hoping and waiting for the sister to pay back, you know, like hoping that she might come to that or make that offer of her own volition rather than getting to a point where the parents have to ask for it back. And I think that it could be a really honest conversation with your parents to be like, hey, I'm not saying this to you because I want money from you.

I do not want any more money from you at all.

And I know that there is a bit of a discrepancy between what you've given to Sarah and what you've given to me, but I just think that there should be some responsibility from Sarah to pay it back. And I know that you are being so kind and so accommodating, but I feel frustrated because I feel like she's taking advantage of you. I don't know whether you feel the same. And then have that conversation with your parents and allow them to process it and to decide whether or not

And the other thing was in relation to the wedding you said, like when you got married aye or two before, you got a third of the amount that she then got a couple of years later.

There's also the chance that your parents have gone.

Through different highs and lows in their finances as well. And we all know that when we're in a high, you are more generous, you have more money to give, you have more money, disposable money to do things with, and then you'll hit your low and of course you don't have as much money to give. So I mean, we've all been every single individual, all of us go through that, the cost of living. There's different jobs. You might have got the sack, you might have a high

I think about my own family, for example, and I hope I don't overstep, and I hope no one for my family hears this and cares that I'm saying it. But like my mum has given more money to my brother over the years. That is just because we have as children, we were in financially different positions. He is a lot younger than I was. I grew up quicker, I moved out of home quicker, I got jobs, and I moved into like my professions faster than he did.

Times were tougher when you were the child.

Yeah, And also like I think he asked for it as well, and so when you ask, you often get. And maybe you're not the child or the sibling in that environment that asks for things, and so because you're not asking for it, you're not getting it. I don't think that it means that they love you any different.

I don't know. I don't think it's necessary.

You literally say, how would you handle this with your family members? I think it's really important that you have this conversation with one of them in some capacity, because you've said, I'm getting bitter and money builds so much resentment. Money is the core of so many issues. Unfortunately, I wish it wasn't, but you hear it all the time.

I would be going to talk to.

Your sister first, and it doesn't have to be aggressive, but it could just be like, question, do you plan on paying mom and dad back any money? I'm just worried about them, Like maybe it's like I just want to make sure they're all set up for their retirement, and I know they're never going to ask you for it back, so you know, should you set up a plan. I would put it in that sense, like, hey, let's try and look after mom and dad as they move

I actually think it's likely that you may have felt like you weren't the favorite child for your whole life, and this is maybe one of the first things that you can actually measure as a discrepancy. Yeah, you know, it's really hard to measure love. It's not hard to measure money. And so if you have these things that you know, if you've grown up kind of being like, oh, you know, I always feel as though my sibling got more attention, more.

Love, They got more opportunities.

To do things like I just always felt as though they were preferred.

You now have a way to literally put a number to that. Yeah, and that's very true.

That's where the bitterness is likely coming from. It probably actually doesn't have much to do with the money, because it sounds as though you're fine financially as well, Like I don't know, it doesn't sound as though you're kind of counting your pennies. I kind of see this more as a it's a very key indicator that you have felt as though you were always second place.

But in that and if that is the case, then that's a very different conversation because sitting down and having a chat with your family about, hey, you know, Sarah owes this much money and she needs to start paying it back because I feel as though there's a discrepancy here. I don't know whether or not having that conversation solely about money is going to resolve these feelings. I think these feelings will stay regardless of whether she starts paying it back or not.

But I think we're also looking a bit deep into this.

I don't think it all has to go back to you being felt like you weren't as loved as a child. There is also a chance that maybe your parents look at you, and this is a question you ask yourself. Maybe you're more independent, or maybe you're more financially stable than your sibling. Maybe your parents feel like you need less help. So that is a huge, huge thing to ask yourself.

We can't answer that.

I mean, look, the only thing that I want to add on this because I think we've kind of split it as many ways as we can. The reason why I think and I do come back to this idea of like, it's not really your place. You shouldn't have the entitlement to be asking these questions because it's not your money, is that it's very clear that your parents have been incredibly generous to both of you.

You said that they.

Gave you money for your wedding and that they also paid for her entire home loan deposit, but that the discrepancy between the money that they've given you is fifty k. If that's fifty thousand discrepancy plus they also paid for your sister's home loan, and the discrepancy is still only fifty k, Like, that's a lot of a lot of money. And I mean not everybody gets that from their parents at all, you know, any money to help for a home loan, or any money that comes for a wedding gift.

To Question two. I'm in a relationship of almost nine years. We're engaged. He's the most amazing person ever, ticks all the boxes, but the sexual attraction and lust has just gone for me. I'm starting to have feelings for someone else, which is controlling a lot of my emotions at the moment and is clouding my judgment. My fiance and I have just bought a house and we have an eleven month old puppy. His parents have gone guarantees for our

Or do I.

Follow my head and my heart and take a chance on this other person, or maybe do I just try and be single for a while, I mean my late I mean my late twenties, and just scared I might be stuck in a mentality that I have a lot to lose, but also might not be in love anymore.

Go to a psychic, don't do what we did, Look at us thriving.

Oh la la, la la la.

My very first thought is you should not be getting married to someone where you have so many doubts, Like when the doubts are that prevalent. If you feel as though you're not in love with him anymore, then I think, whatever you do, you need to take some time to figure this out before you go ahead with a marriage, because that's a really bad place to start a marriage, from feeling as though you're not in love with the person that you're getting married to.

Could it be cold feet? Maybe? Could you have a case of the grass is greener? Maybe? Could it be that you need to be single for a bit?

Maybe like a lot of Maybe it's but like it's almost impossible to know what the answer to this is. But the one answer to this is, don't marry someone unless you feel absolutely certain that you're making a decision that is a decision that you're going into with excitement and love and the idea of building a future together. Don't marry someone because you're worried about what you know, the time that you've wasted, or like the investment in them,

Also, you can break up with someone when you have a house and a puppy, Like, that's not what should be tying you to someone. I've broken up with someone when I've had a house with him. I've broken up with someone when I had I mean, Jordan and I broke up when Delilah was we.

Got her together.

Delilah was like a baby too, literally two months old or something.

But let me, I do want to validate this. Sometimes it's not about breaking up with the person right. Sometimes it's about breaking up with the life that you've created and the identity that you've created together. You might know that you're not in love with that person anymore, but you might love your life. You might love the comfort, the friendships, the way that your life. You know the routine of your life, and that is a really fucking hard thing to break up with.

Yeah, I agree, but I don't think that's where she is personally. She literally I think it's more about her feeling stuck.

She's like, I feel stuck. We have his puppy, his.

Parents have gone garantur in our house. You go on to say you have no sexual attraction, the lust is gone, you have feelings for someone else. And the key part here is I'm just going to read it again. Do I stay with my current fiance because he's the sweetest guy, he would do anything for me, or follow my head and heart and take a chance on this other person. Your head and your heart is elsewhere, so it's not one.

I don't think I've ever agreed with you more strongly. Yes, thank you. To continue on?

He's really right, I'll disagree, but no, I yes, but to continue on. You're in your late twenties and you feel like you're stuck in this mentality where you have.

A lot to lose.

We really get stuck on age, I think you know. Sometimes we're like I don't I think I'll find anyone else, and I spend all this time sunk cost, fallacy, all that stuff, Like you know, I'm nearly thirty. Do I really want to start again? This guy treats me so well. I can tell you you could be with the most perfect person that ticks every single box and they treat you amazingly and you will have a wonderful life. They

But you need to do some.

Very deep introspective thinking. Is this just a moment, Has this feeling been there? Is it fleeting?

Yeah?

Has it been there for like two months since you met him? Or have you been feeling this way for three years of your nine year relationships?

I think that that's a really clear decater, right. I think it's so important to be honest with yourself. Did you only lose the last and lose the excitement in your relationship when something shiny came along, like when you started to feel those feelings for someone else, because you know you've been together for nine years.

It is kind of normal in.

Some ways to have a change in your relationship where you don't have as much sexual desire, you don't have as much loss you'd like. Those things are going to weigh throughout a long term relationship, and the difference is whether you have the mentality or the drive to work on getting it back right. Like, you can get those things back in a relationship. They don't have to be dead gone left your body. I'd never want to fuck

Sometimes it is, but it's not always.

Sometimes it is, but sometimes you can take for granted an incredible person who treats you so well, who gives you all of the stability and the comfort because you've stopped putting work on your relationship. You stop working on it, you stop caring about their feelings, their needs, your needs, like all of that, and you've prioritized other things, and so your life has just even though you cohabitate, you've kind of just drifted into different forks in the road.

Then you leave.

But right now, the way that you've written this and the way I'm reading it, you're leaving this for the excitement of something.

Else, and you've just got to figure out I might not be in love anymore. You've got to figure that out. No one can tell you that. No one can tell you if you're falling out of love and at what level.

But I agree with Laura. Cut the external.

Sources and the external temptations and really think about your relationship. Even you don't necessarily have to end your relationship, but you shouldn't be getting married while you feel like that.

So maybe you can put the wedding off.

I don't know how far into the planning you are, but you need some time to work it out. We don't expect you, and you shouldn't expect yourself to wake up and be like, that's it, dusty my hands, I'm done, or I'm getting married.

But she said it, She said to herself, I'm starting to have feelings for someone else, which is controlling a lot of my emotions at the moment, and it's.

Clouding my judgment. Yeah, fucking cut it, like, cut that out right now.

That is to me is like you are you are absolutely flirting with fire.

I just don't marry him, That's what I'm saying.

No, I'm just saying, like, if you're the like, don't marry him, put it off, don't break up with him necessarily, But don't go and sign those papers and put yourself and him and everyone through it. If you literally don't know if you want to marry him, like you need to be certain. It is such a huge commitment.

Question three.

I am a first time mum and my baby is now ten months old. I have been really struggling with connecting to my husband in the last six months or so. He is a great dad and I love seeing him with our son, but it feels like we've just completely lost the spark. I don't feel special or wanted anymore. It doesn't help that he injured himself pretty badly in July and hasn't been able to carry his weight around the house. This has left me doing all the cooking or the cleaning, or the barth, the bed with.

The baby, etc.

We live in a small rural town away from family, so I don't have any help around the house as well, which adds another layer of stress. Months ago, Laura mentioned something about just getting through those early years when you have a baby in terms of staying with your partner. She said, it gets a lot better once babies grow up a bit. I would love to hear more about this, and I suppose my question is how can I try to reconnect with my partner?

I mean, straight out of the gate. I don't think your problem is that you have a little one. I think your problem is that your partner is not pulling his weight.

But it's multiple parts of it.

Yeah, but of course, yes, one hundred percent. I don't have kids.

We know that.

But of course the pressure of having a child is huge on a relationship, on you as an individual.

We know that you can get the baby blues. We know post natal.

Depression is a thing. We know that relationships suffer in some capacity because there's someone else that needs your attention and your love and your time. But those things are made far more easy if you have a partner that is also helping to can tribute. There are two parents, the mother doesn't have to be the person that does everything that in fact, it should be the opposite. You are literally growing a human, Your hormones are changing, you

Also, he injured himself pretty badly in July. Your baby's ten months old and it's now November, so there has been a lot of time in between. Obviously there's grace for an injury. It's not as though your heartless bitch here.

Like get up and get of course, ships him.

I honestly, it was the most surprising to me how much having kids changes your relationship. And I know people to about it, and I think we were like a small case of it, Like we were the lucky version. Because Matt is someone who is he takes feedback really well, and he tries really really hard, like he's a he's a really great dad, and he's a really good partner.

I really wanted it. He really wanted to be a dad.

He desperately, and he's always said like he wants to be the dad that he didn't have, you know, and he matches up and stands up to that plate every single day, Which is why I really like when I answer this question, I'm like, I have so much empathy for it, because even though I had that version of a partner, there was still a period where it was

You are not doing it.

You are not walking in these shoes to actually fathom how life changing this is for me. And that lasts for a really long time, and it's really hard to go from like having only your partner to think about like yourself, your work, your partner. You give them so

Yeah, and we say it all the time off the back of our interview with Esther Perell where she said that full play starts, you know, the second sex ends, and full play is not just physical. Full play is the way someone speaks to you, the things that they do around the house, the little extra bits of tidbits of love and affection that they give you in different ways.

Done a lot on your own. So I think you can have that conversation. Not you can. You fucking have to have that conversation.

Relationship won't survive if you don't like you're going to build so much resentment is disdain towards your partner and the life that you will feel like he is making you live that it will be detrimental to your relationship and you should feel like you can have that conversation if unless there's a reason in your relationship that you don't feel like you can go to him and be so open. But I would just say I need help. Yeah, I need help. That's the sentence complete.

The only thing though, is, and I know I've spoken about this before, and I've said, like, obviously, when you have little kids, it is the hardest it's ever going to be, right, and then it gets easier as they get older and as you kind of can reconnect back to your partner, like everything gets easier. But it only gets easier if you have a partner that shows up

And I explained him.

I was like, I come home from work and I have the kids, and when I don't have the kids, I'm asleep. I was like, I'm either working or I have the children, or I'm doing something for this household, or I'm asleep. I was like, when you don't have the kids, that's your time to go to the gym. You get time to go. You went and had a beer with the boys this afternoon. Like, when you don't have the children, you get free time. And when I don't have the children, there is no such thing as

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