Life on Cut acknowledges the traditional custodians of country whose lands were never seated. We pay our respects to their elders past and present.
Always was, always will be Aboriginal Land. This episode was recorded on de rug Wallamuta Land.
Hi guys, and welcome back to another episode of Life on Cut.
I'm Brittany and I'm Laura. Today's Sandstead. What's funny, Laura?
Okay, I've tried to start this three times and Laura's having a little laughing fit every single time, but I can't be sure.
Why do you know why?
Because we're ten days away from Christmas, but it still feels like February.
Okay.
I literally had this thing this morning where I was like, oh, I wanted to listen back to Okay, I'm not I shouldn't say this.
Wanted to listen back to my own podcast. I wanted.
I really felt like because the content is fire, Yeah, well that's why.
I just really felt like a laugh.
And I was like, I'm going to go back and listen to Joann McNally's episode, and I was like when I was like, it was a couple of months ago and I was trying to scroll through, I should have just searched it.
But I didn't think it was that far back.
I was like, I'll go back a month or two maybe to August, and I was like, August kept going. Joanne McNally was in April. It feels like yesterday, but it was the start of the year.
Yeah, I know, And I've said this to you before. As we get older, time goes quicker, no concept of time none.
Do you know when you have kids?
Though, I think that kids are a very good daily reminder of how quickly time is going, because.
All of a sudden, at Uni, he's got a dummy day.
Yeah, because every day you wake up tired and you're like, oh my god, is this going to be my life of the next forever, for the rest of the next nineteens.
You're about saying that it's like the years are short, but the days along.
Is that a parenting thing? I feel like I've heard that. I think it is.
It's all around like the phases of parenthood, because like what you can get into like a phase like right now, as I said on Tuesday's episode, we're in the dummy phase. We're in the waning phase. It's not a great phase, and you think it's never going to end, and then all of a sudden you're in another phase. You know, it just goes in these circles. I must listen to this and think I hate parenting. No, I think you just say things that people don't say.
I think you're not negative about parenting, but you don't just say the good stuff, which I think is important because people know there's good stuff, but a lot of people don't say the stuff that bothers people.
I like, I cannot even tell you how much I love being a mum. I love being a mum. I love my kids so much. But it's a thing that goes without saying. It's like, I feel like I don't need to say that to you all on constant repeat that.
I love being a mum. I love my children like I'm disgusting.
I lay in bed and I like stroke their faces and I try and like kiss their little fat cheeks and put their fat cheeks inside my mouth.
And it's weird.
You get you become so weird as a mum, but also simultaneously there's moments where you hate it.
I've just completely remembered this. I forgot to tell you the other day. I was lucky enough to come along to pick up Marley and Lola from daycare, and a couple of weeks before you'd spoken about how you can have that real intimacy with a kid that's not romantic, Marley reached out, grabbed the side of my face and.
Brushed my hair. And I have never felt oxidosin flow my brain more quickly than that moment.
I was like, I feel like that when the messuse touches me. That's why I get massages.
Wasn't there an article about that? Yeah, there was long distance relationship. So you go and get massages quote unquote, just to be touched.
You wrap them up in a little ball and you just like want to breathe in every part of their body and like suck their toes and stuff if you could. But then at the same time they do things that drive you absolutely fricking mental.
I do that with Delilah. You suck a toes smells like popcorn.
I suck it. Oh her feet smelling popcorn.
I like it.
Like I'm okay, now, I'm not a mum, But I do have a question because I saw this article going viral, and I have feelings there was just this woman online from the UK I think irrelevant. But she she has two little kids, ones three I think, and one is like under one I think eight or nine months, and she's like, Hey, I'm not getting my little kid a present this year for Christmas from anyone because it's hard times, hard financial times, and also the kid's not gonna remember, They're not gonna know.
And a lot of people kicked off.
I was like, fair, if times are tight with money, I don't think you have to buy an under one year old a present, because you could give them a cardboard box.
Then gonna be stoked.
I could not believe people kicking off about the fact that she wasn't going to buy her kid a present. They're not going to experience it. But you, as the only mum in this room, Laura, what are your thoughts on that.
I feel like this is a perfect example that people kick off about things that they shouldn't.
Care about, like this is what this is.
No. I did the same thing with Marley and Lola for birthday parties. So we did like a big birthday party for Marley when she was one year old, and then when Lola turned one, we were like.
Let's have cupcakes and have Ann and Kate over.
We didn't do anything, and didn't you forget one not forget, but you did it like two days late or something. Once.
Yeah, we didn't do it on her birthday. We did it when it was convenient for everyone, and it wasn't. No, she doesn't know, and that's what we realized. It's actually twelve. She does not know she's really twelve. We did Marley's one year old birthday party, but realistically it was for us, you know, I mean, it wasn't for her. She did No, she didn't care. She has no concept of it, doesn't remember it. But then at the same time, it actually
wasn't that enjoyabooks. I spent the whole time running around, like making sure everyone had food. I did the cleanup, like I was the one who had to do everything. So I was like, who was that for? What did I do that for? And yeah, we have photos from one year old birthday party, be like who cares? So then when it was Lola's we kind of just did things very small, had cupcakes, and I mean we still got her at present. The only thing I do question about that, and I say, this is a second child
slash middle child. Do you then grow up with immense middle child second child syndrome, because it does create a flow and effect. And when you are the hand me down child, which is what I was, you always feel a little bit less loved.
I am the third child, I'm third out of four, and I definitely never felt that. But we were handing me down children as well. But my problem was my older brothers and boys. Well my older siblings are boys, so like that's why why I was a tomboy, because everything got handed down was the boys stuff. But I personally don't feel that. But my sister Sherry, so she's the fourth kid. Every year, you know, you get around the Christmas time around the family gets together and you
always go through like old photos. You always talk about old memories, like it's always that walk down memory lane. And we were looking at all these old photos of all of the kids in these albums and it was so like nostalgic and so nice, and all the kids would getting their photos out, and Mitch the eldest, was going through his and there were like five albums of photos of just him. Then it was Dane's the next kid, and then there were a little bit less of him.
Me was a bit harder.
I maybe had one album and then poor Sherry by the time the fourth kid came, because mom had like four kids under six, Sheridan was like, where are my albums? We could find one photo? No, not an album one. She's like, am I as a kid?
One?
Because mom shows adopted at five? Mom's like, I'm too busy. I had By that point, you had three other kids.
You've done it all one hundred times, and so I think in that capacity, the fourth or the third or the fourth kid definitely gets left behind a little bit.
I would say, though in your case, brit I would say it's a slightly different experience because you had two older brothers.
You were the first girl.
So that's still an exciting difference for a lot of parents, especially when you've had two children, you're having a third and it ends up being a different gender. No, gender shouldn't matter, but for a lot of people it does. It's why people have bloody gender reveals and stuff like so fresh Start. Yeah, So I would say that you probably wouldn't feel the same as someone who is a second or third child to two older sisters or one older sister, and that being like the hand me down kind of process.
Anyway, that's enough.
I think it's good for them. I think it builds resils. It's resilience building. Okay, So we was speaking of resilience building. Last night we went out to the RSL Club, and part of the RSL Club, they do a raffle on Tuesday night, and because it's pre Christmas, it's a really substantial raffle. So the raffle was the very first person to get a ticket.
Drawn won this like toy package which was like the value of one thousand dollars worth of toys, right, and then there was a few hams and a pork that were going right, So like if you didn't get the toys, you could win one of three hams, or you could win a.
Pork still a great price. It lives hands mate, I was all. I was like, I would love to win a ham or a pork.
That's Christmas Day done anyway, So we all buy raffle tickets.
There's a couple of tables around us.
There's not a lot of people in the RSL Club, so like, your chances are high of winning something we put on.
I just imagine you there were your tickets, Like, come on, I'm like eleven guys.
I'm not someone who candone gambling, but when it comes to raffles, I am like Queen Raffle. I am the woman who when I'm in my eighties, I'm going to buy that little booklet where you could win a house.
That'll be me. I do I do that. I love it.
I'm always into those, A sucker. I always wonder if they actually even are really given away.
A raffle. I'm there, fifty bucks, put me down. Love it? Okay.
So anyway, we're there with all our little ripedapt tickets sitting there, and the first ticket gets called and it's the thousand dollars worth of toys.
We did not win that.
Marley may the absolute fucking tantrum that she threw. She was hysterical. She hasn't quite understood or grasped the concept of raffles. Every other child was like a little bit disappointed. Marley was like inconsolably crying and sobbing for about fifteen minutes, to the point where the family that won the toys was like, oh, well, just you can have one. We don't need all these toys. Have one that's age appropriate
for her. And I was like Nope, you will not give her a toy because this is a moment in life that she needs. She needs to know that she's not always a winner. I'm glad you did that. I was like, this is resilience building, this is a lesson that fell into our lap. But she screamed for literally twenty minutes on and off. It was a fifteen minutes solid. But then the reason why she cried for another five minutes was because Mamma won a ham and I was so.
Excited, and she walked up with her ticket and she was like, oh dude, what a ham? Were you like, well, mom wants a ham? Oh my god, congratulations, thank you Ronn one of my Christmas ham.
I haven't won anything since I won the year five Easter Hat parade.
That was a time. Mom has so much main character energy.
Correlation doesn't imply causation, But here I'm saying she had a one year old birthday party.
And now she's a brat when she doesn't win.
Yeah. No, it was a moment in my life where I was like, Okay, I have a very spoilt child and she has been and I don't mean spoilers in that we don't go out of our way to spoil her. But she has had zero nothing has happened in her life at all at the beautiful age of four and a half years old.
That has been a resilience building that she has. She has lived a good life.
You do, and I'm not saying this in a bad way, but you do buy her a lot of random presence. I know there's a rule with her and your family that like, if you go to the airport, you'll always buy them present. And Matt and I were at the airport not long ago.
When you say rule I do that, Matt is very no. Well that was it.
Matt and I were watching it go down from a distance, so you're like, I'm just gonna go get a packet of chips and a coke from the shop in the airport. So we were just sitting there waiting and then Marley runs over. He goes, watch this, within two seconds, she's gonna be able to pick a toy. He's like, it's a nightmare, and I was like, surely not. She already bought her a toy like twenty minutes ago. She's like watch she runs over and you're like, yeah.
Hunt picked what you would And I was like, this is the problem. It was, it's just creating a monster.
Yeah, look, I find it hard to say no to her. But also I have realized that I use it and this is bad and I'm being heaps better.
I use getting a present.
So, for example, when we were doing the live shows and I was traveling heaps, if I go to an airport, if I'm away, if Mummy goes on like on a plane trip without her, but she gets a little thing from the airport, and that's kind of become.
That was like a thing that we started doing.
And it was infrequent because I rarely ever went to an airport without the kids. But then during live shows of November, I was going every couple of day and that's been an increasing thing this year. So it's a bad precedent to set. But at the same time, it's compensating for the fact that I wasn't home. So it feeds into this guilt that I have around not being present and so yeah, literally buying their love. Thank you for bringing that up for me. It's pard, Laura, I
understand where that comes from. But I've got an idea start bringing home Christmas hams.
Okay bean. That is the end of the year.
This is one of my favorite times of year, right the Google searchers.
I find it such a funny. I mean, because everyone does it right. It's like the Dictionary does, like the word of the year, which no one even knew what that word was.
It was like rizz or something.
How did they come up with that? Does every like I just picture a room of like dumbledores in a library, and everyone brings a word and then they just say which one they thinks the best.
Who knows, honestly, maybe it's like a most Google or whatever. Whoever's asked that question. If you have the answer to it, slide into the DMS, we would love to know. But also like Spotify rap lists, it's every single thing puts out there like this is how engaged you are with our content.
I mean an assumption that one.
Of the top things to be googled would have been something like Donald Trump or Kim Kardashian.
My opinion, Kim Kardashian has lost the shine recently. I think if I was going to pick someone for this year, I would have thought Taylor Swift would have been especially within Australia with the aristol. I would have thought that she would have been one of the highest Google searchers. I think this list is very surprising. I reckon we can rattle through what they are in terms of like news. I don't think the news things will be surprising because every single one of these things has had quite a
big impact socially. Some of them I think are very problematic, but we'll get into it. The number one most googled news search this year of twenty twenty three, drumroll please, is something that I think will surprise no one.
It was the optus outage. See.
I'm so surprised by this because the irony is that the people who had the optus outage weren't able to google optus outage.
No.
But the reason why I'm not surprised is because I mean I was affected by the optus s outage. I woke up that morning and it was like is the world ending? What is happening? And as soon as I did get internet again, that was the thing I was googling. Or when I and Wi Fi at work, I was googling why wasn't my phone working? Like I think everyone that was affected, every single optist person ended up googling it. But every single or non optist person was googling it
as well. If you own a small business and you run your finances, your fplus machines, your booking system, total everything via that it was a hugely, hugely problematic day. And also on top of that, the way in which that was handled just showed like such a lack of understanding as to how everyday people live their lives and how fundamental having access to the Internet is.
Number two I thought would be number one, which is the current war in Israel and Gaza high one hundred percent. This is why it shocked me because I would have actually said that was number one. So surprising that the Optus outage beat.
That I wonder though, is like how do they aggregate those searches because people would search for all different things that pertain to the war. It's not one singular search, whereas optus outage is one singular search. And I think that maybe this as a combined search because I think so many people are trying to educate themselves on what has happened. I would say that this is probably a tricky one because there'd be such a scope of Google searches that have been done about it.
Number three is the referendum results Number four is very problematic to me. We've spoken about him on the podcast before. Andrew Tate, who is the self proclaimed misogynist, the fact that he's the fourth and most googled person in the news. I'm hoping more people are googling him in shock, horror and to find out what his punishments were and to learn more about him and his crimes, as opposed to googling him out of interest and wanting to follow along
with his teachings. And I say teachings because he literally runs classes on how to be a misogynist.
Well, yeah, Andrew Tate had his social media taken away, so I'm not surprised that people had to google him to find out, do you know what I mean? If it was an Instagram search and he still had active profiles, I think that there would have been people checking out his stuff.
We did like figuring out who he was.
You know, there's a curiosity around him because everyone was like, this man is such a bad person. That immediately makes people go, I don't know who it is. I'm gonna find out one hundred percent.
I mean, we spoke about him earlier this year, and we spoke about how he is more Google searchers around him than Kim Kardashian than other very high pro fast celebrities. But I would question that not all of those are positive Google searchers. I mean, every single person in this room has googled who he is. He is prolific, but that does not mean that it's from a positive perspective totally.
Something that did make me happy was the most googled Australians now. The top two most Googled Australians were Sam Kerr and Mary Fowler, both of which are Australian football slash soccer players. I could not be happier that that is who we are googling the most in Australia.
This is so interesting as well because it was the big debate around when the Matilda's were playing and how much media attention they garnered, and there was all the conversations around.
The pay parody with how men are paid.
Within Australian football, and the conversation was well, when it is garnering enough attention, then the pay parity will be matched. And this is just more proof in the putting, not that we needed more, but that the women within Australian soccer need to be paid equal to the men.
If not more would be debatable. Now.
So when Sam Kerr, Mary Fowler, Michael Clark, which is obviously from the big fight he had with Karl Stefanovic, everyone remembers there was like this big public fight in NUSA. It was filmed viral well, very funny. I think Barris contributed to that Google then it was Reyes Walsh and Daniel Andrews.
If you guys want to go and have a look at the list yourself, they're all on Daily Oz. There's lists upon lists of different things that have been googled this year. You can look at what's been the most important sport, you can look at what's been the most important depths or movies, whatever it is. The only other one that I think is quite interesting is the movies. The most popular movies this year that have been googled are Oppenheimer and Barbie, which should not be a surprise.
But in terms of box office hits, Barbie eclipsed Oppenheimer, But in terms of Google searchers, Oppenheimer was the most popular. And I think it's because so many people were interested in understanding the history and understanding the story behind why that was such a pivotal part of World War Two.
Okay, well it's.
Time for vibe or unsubscribed, And I know, Laurie, you haven't unsubscribed this week.
Controversially, I have an unsubscribed today. And I don't know how people are going to feel about this, because it is a movie that is getting so much airtime, and I think so many people are really excited about watching it is Leave the World Behind with Julia Roberts. Now you about it, Britta, and I told you how much I hated it, and then you watched it the next night.
Now you have conflicting views on it as well. The reason why I don't like it is because as much as the show itself was very gripping, it's a real thriller, like it'll have you on the edge of your seat until the end. The end was so bitterly disappointing that it almost undid all of the on the edge of the SEATNSS. I kind of got to the end of
it and I was like, is that it? And I know for some people you're going to enjoy like how conceptual it is in terms of the cinematography and in terms of the story, like the storyline itself, the concept I quite enjoy as a thing to unpack mentally, But was I entertained and did I enjoy the movie itself?
Not really.
Movies like that make me feel like when you've been on a great date with someone and you think everything's so good and then they like ghost you and you're like, it was so good for the ninety eight percent, and now I'm just left so.
Disappointed, Like does that then make it a good date or a bad date?
It makes a bad date, No, it does, I disagree, but it was still a great date.
It was a shit ending.
Look, I'm struggling to decide if I like it or not, and the reason is the ending was terrible. It hated the ending, but the entire movie until that point, so ninety nine percent I was hooked, and I did enjoy the movie because I was waiting, So I can't decide if I liked it or not. Because the acting was great, the story was great, it kept my attention. My anxiety was Throughdove the whole time, which is thanks to the
background music. But then the end let me down, So I'm like, does that necessarily make it a bad movie? I still enjoyed ninety nine point nine percent of it, So I'm on the fence.
The other part of it as well.
That I was a little bit like, Eh, I'm not really sure was exactly what you said, Britt. I thought the movie was very suspenseful, and that's where all the thriller aspect came from. But also I thought that the acting was a little bit shit, and so I just genuinely was disappointed by it. And I thought I was gonna love it, and so that's my unsubscribe.
I loved the acting, but I agree with other stuff.
I have a very very quick oh, you don't vibe yes, Because I'm gonna be hosting the carols in the Gold Coast this weekend. So if you are in the Gold Coast, if you're in Surface Paradise on Sunday night, Matt and I are going to be hosting Carols on the beach. It's on like Surface beach. It's gonna be so fun
for the family. Come down. If you are a Christmas fiend, if you like being celebratory, if you like all the things that make Christmas as gay and jolly as what it is, come down to Carols on the beach because we are going to be there. It's free Keisha's they're shaking like doing the little money side.
Why think you've gone? How much money you getting posted? No what it is.
It's going to be so nice if you're a mum or you've got kids, like, it's just the best. Carols are so so nice, Bring a picnic, blanket down, come down, have some fun.
Very very cute.
I will not be going because I will be on a flight overseas. Okay, well it starts at six pm, so don't be late.
So my vibe this.
Week is an Instagram page. Her name is Anna Underscore Louise Underscore at Underscore Home, So Anna Louise at Home, but every word has an underscore. Now she's British three point seven million followers and her page is the most satisfying page I have ever seen. It is cleaning, hacks and home interiors. So you know those pages where people do before and afters of like I guess, just cleaning or hacks for things that you've never even knew existed for your house. It's one of these pages that you
watch and it's so satisfying. I found this page because Ben was so scared of spiders that he sent me a hack for keeping spiders out right, and I didn't really believe it at the times where you spray lavenders at doors and windows and spiders can't come in. And it was from this woman. He just stumbled across it. Her spider hack has got like twelve point five million
views on this page. But when you go on the page, it's so many different things about making your home smell good, little renovation hacks, anything you want, and it's so esthetically pleasing to look at. So I cannot now. I'm not saying I do any of these, but I love watching it. I have an addiction to watching these before and afters and declutters and cleaning a stove. I know this sounds so bad, but if you ever also tried to clean something and you're like, I don't know how to get this off.
She has a hack for everything.
Because no one ever teaches you had to actually clean proper, no one teaches you how to.
I mean, I do also kind of like that.
I don't want to be like the female that's been brought up to learn how to keep a house, but no one taught me how to do it, Like I've just figured it out over time.
Because it is a skill.
Cleaning is not just like wiping something down right, Like. There are so many different products and different ways you can mix things to get rid of things or whatever. I just go and do yourself a favor. And I think that you will appreciate this page. Laura, you will as well. Keisha, you're a clean freak. You will appreciate this page.
If anyone's got any black spots on their pants and wants to know how to remove it.
Bit of apple, might have vining errands and cut bi carb soda. Here's you and always at home can probably do it.
Yeah, I will say, like a high pressure hose does get my juices flowing?
Oh, it's so satisfying.
My vibe for this week is a little bit different and out of the norm for me. Do you guys remember a year ago the former Good Morning America hosts Amy Roebuck and TJ. Holmes, they were involved in that quote unquote scandalous affair. So they were hosts of the show together and then it all came out that they were actually in a relationship and it was reported that they were having an affair. They have their own podcaster. The two in a relationship. A year later, they have
their own podcast. There's what have we got?
Are you promoting infidel? Two episodes? Well, this is what was interesting. So I kind of kept my.
Finger on this story for a long time just because I found it so different. I was like, Wow, this affair has just played out so publicly, and this is so interesting.
They were both suspended from their jobs.
They have not gone back, and they have been relatively quiet throughout the media. We haven't really heard anything from them until they released their own podcast, and I felt like I listened to fifty minutes of somewhat very interesting pr spin. I felt like it was a little bit contrived, but I do believe some of the things that they were saying in their podcast. They said they started the podcast with we lost the jobs we loved for the person.
That we loved.
I was like, but wait, didn't they lose the jobs because they were both married.
So the thing is is that and they started a podcasts.
In their podcast, they both were undergoing divorce proceedings, like they already had moved out from their spousers, and they both rubbish they were having.
An affair before that.
Well, this is what I did actually find was very interesting.
I believe the fact that they were living in separate homes, because there's proof of that, you know, the photos that were taken of them were from the apartments that they lived in without their spouses, and they kept it very quiet because they both had children, and they kind of play on this narrative of like, we didn't think we were that big of a deal, and I was like, I don't know how much I believe that you're very much a public figure if you were hosting Good Morning America.
But the thing that I was waiting for, and the thing I did not get is when they.
First hooked up.
The whole podcast episode was like, this wasn't an affair. We had both separated from our partners before we got together. We had been friends for eight years before this, and we were really good friends and then we fell in love. But they did not talk about the first time that they actually like.
That's because they cheated that sure. I was thinking that.
I was like, unless the narrative was we never crossed the line until this was a thing you would have told us about when you first got together.
Maybe it's coming in a further episode.
Maybe they've just got me. I don't know.
I find this very interesting as well, because it's like there is this expectation from our morning TV hosts that they're people that we welcome into our homes. They're people that we need to be trustworthy, reliable, and people that we would want to be friends with. And I think if you're going to have even the whiff of adultery, that's not someone who the majority of people would want in their homes, you kind of lose all credibility and trust.
So I think it is a pretty harsh reality of losing your job off the back of something that you do in your personal life. But I also understand when your whole entire career and persona within media is based on your ability to shop to your job and be truthful, it does create this duplicity that can't exist absolutely.
And I think also the brand of a show like that, and the brand of the people that they have on there is very family oriented totally, and so you have this contrast in what is actually going on on screen and what is happening behind the scenes. And they say a million times in the podcast, we didn't technically break any rules at work, blah blah blah, But I'm like, it actually doesn't matter when you work in the public space.
Perception is everything one hundred percent. I agree.
I just found that this now usually into full gossip based kind of things, but this was a particularly interesting one. There's many truths to a story, and this is one of them, and I wonder how much of it is.
Actually truthful in its nature.
All right, well, let's get into answering all your deep, dark and burning questions.
Question number one.
I gave birth four weeks ago and my partner last night said our sex life is shit and it's affecting him mentally.
Now.
I had a Grade three B tear, so can't have sex anyway, not that I even want to. He said he doesn't want to spend time with me because I never want to do it or even give him a blowjob. I really don't want to, so I won't. But I also think I have difficulty with sexual intimacy with him because after our last two kids, I felt really pressured into having sex again three weeks after birth, which was wrong. I still had stitches after both berths. Where do I
go from here? I feel like I have no sexual drive towards him, but he thinks I have something wrong with me.
This makes me feel so mad. I feel so mad, and I hate that the only response to this is what an absolute piece of shit your husband is. And that's because you have three children with him now, and I can only imagine how horrible this situation must be for you. And look, let's just give this guy the men of the doubt. Maybe he's amazing in all other aspects of your relationship. Maybe he is, you know, a considerate and loving partner in every other aspect.
That ain't considering all love it.
Yeah, but I would say probably not because if he considers and cares about you so little in this time when you've just had a baby, especially four weeks after having a baby, that he's putting his own sexual gratification over your healing, your mental recovery, you having a third baby, adjusting to the new life, all of the things, like you know, all the things that go into having a baby, and he does too, because he's done it twice.
Now.
If he's putting his own sexual gratification above all of that, then he is a selfish jerk. And there is no other word for it. And I know that you say that in the past, that you felt pressured to so you did it. That's Firstly, it's disgusting and I'm so sorry that you felt as though you needed to make him happy at a time when you are supposed to be the priority and it is okay for you to be the priority.
Ah.
Man, it's such a reflection of the type of person he is and of what he thinks.
Is important, and that is himself. He's a pig. He's a pig. He's a pig.
And just medically speaking, so you understand a three B tear which she has, you can't even do anal so not is it just that sex is uncomfortable, like it is a proper tear that is affecting both ends the fact that he is also manipulating you and gaslighting you into thinking that something is wrong with you.
Yeah, something is wrong with me.
I'm torn open. I just gave birth, I have two other kids. Three weeks ago, twenty one days ago. I was torn open, went through my body, went through something traumatic.
You know, that's what's wrong with me.
But you know what, this is a question that comes up a bit and for a lot of women, there is this feeling of responsibility to keep their partner happy. Right, There's this feeling of like, well, I know it's disgusting, but it happens, and it would be remissive us not to talk about it. There is this feeling of like I'm letting my partner down because I don't feel like I can be intimate with them at the moment. Sometimes because you physically can't be. At the four week mark,
you're not supposed to have sex until six weeks. Certainly, if you've had an episiotomy or a severe tear, you shouldn't be having sex until. You know, for some people it's much longer than that. For some people's months and months and months, And that's okay. It doesn't mean that you don't have any intimacy with your partner necessarily.
But this idea of like.
Giving them a blowjob, like it's your job that you need to give them a blowjob, it makes me feel so like viscerally fucking angry, because of course you don't want to. Of course you don't want to do anything.
Of Course you probably don't even want to cut a little touch your husband like those All of those feelings are okay, And that's not to say that they're not going to feel some sense of rejection if there's no intimacy at all, But the fact that he places the priority of intimacy around him being relieved as in physically ejaculating, as in having someone given a blowjob, or being able
to have sex is just truly, truly revolting. But like, I don't know many new moms who are in the headspace to psych themselves up to be able to give their partners a blowjob, like I.
Certainly couldn't a mom thing just to psych yourself up. As a non mum, everyone likes blowjobs, no.
But as a mom, there's so much pressure to do everything and to beat everything to everyone. And you are so touched out, You were so tired, you were so psychologically spent. Also, you're dealing with this like new identity. You have two other children that you also have to cater to and keep alive. The last thing you need to do is be responsible for sucking your husband. And I'm so sorry that you were in a situation where he is making you feel like you were the problem,
because he is the problem. Well.
Also, nothing makes you want to do something less than when you're being forced to do being told you don't want to do, like like that is not what's going to make you be like, oh my god, you know what, I do want to give you a blow job because you put your dick in my face, and yeah, like it doesn't help the situation. It's going to push you further and further away and cause a bigger and bigger divide.
Because there's nothing around like, I mean this idea of saying, oh, our sex life is shit. I'm not getting what I want out of this, which, of course he's not like, that's not even the consideration at this moment, but it's like there's no intimacy there from him. There's no like making you feel special. There's no carrying the load or doing all the things to make you feel desired and loved. And you know what, maybe you don't even want to
feel desired or loved at this moment. I fucking wouldn't either. You're four weeks out. This would be a very different conversation if it was like you were at the ten month mark and you still didn't want to have sex with your husband and he was like, look, I feel like our sex life has dwindled. Can we have some conversations around this? Because this is important to me, but it's the language around it it's the forcefulness of it, it's the expectation of it, it's the duty of it.
It's all of these things which are so deeply steeped in misogyny and are so fundamentally wrong. And I think now, I mean, we've established that it's fucked, and I'm sure everyone listening to this feels just as angry as we do.
But what do you do? That's the big question?
Right, You've got a four week old baby, you have two other children, and you're married to a man who treats you like this.
What do you do?
How do you have these conversations with him? Do you go and speak to a couple's therapist? Do you speak to him openly around his treatment of you, his expectation of women? Like, how do you navigate this next phase? Because you're putting boundaries in place, and you're saying that with the last two kids, you did just concede and you did things that you didn't want to do, and you satisfied him in a way that you're not prepared
to this time. And it's like, how do you make sure that you maintain those boundaries and that you get the respect from your husband that you deserve?
Show him a picture, pull him up a graphic picture of what the tear looks like in your vagina to your anus, and say this is what is going on right now, Like this isn't I didn't just push a baby out And I'm like, oh, I'm a little bit sore. Like show him showing what's going to happen, and then say do you understand? And if he still does not care and he's like, well I still want to fuck, then like you have bigger, deeper problems you need to
work through. But I think, first and foremost, make sure you know before you take action that he has this complete understanding. I mean, I feel like we're dumbing it down for him, which I'm not saying we should do, but just in case benefit of the doubt he doesn't understand what is going on downstairs, like if he just knows as a three B who knows what that means? As I said, this is really really dumbing it down for him. But you're not going to exactly pack up
your kids and leave. Yeah, totally, that's the thing so hard. But I agree with you, But I also disagree with you, Britt, because I think it shouldn't have to come to you showing, of course, physical evidence of the reason why you're not prepared to have sex at the four week mark. Even if you had had the most streamline quote unquote easy birth, maybe you cough that baby out too pushes and it was done, there should still not be an expectation on
you to have sex or sexually satisfy your husband. That should be so far down the priority list for him at that point in time.
And the fact that but it's not, yeah, and the fact that.
He can't deprioritize his own needs and put you at the center at a time when you are supposed to be the center of this is so deeply fucking selfish and it's so gross. I hate that you're in a situation where you have to use a physical.
Ailment i e.
A tear as the excuse for not wanting to have sex when they could be psychological. There could be so many other reasons after having a baby that you don't want to have sex as well. You know, going back to something that we said at the very beginning, a person who deeply lacks care for you in this way can't possibly be great in every other aspect of the relationship.
Like this is not something that lives in a silo, you know, like he's not behaving like this, but has always been a supportive, empathetic, caring, nurturing husband and father. So I would say, obviously, this is a big, screaming red flag, But look at the other red flags. What are the other things and the other behaviors that he's doing that are problematic, that are modeling a relationship that you may not want to be in or that you may not want to be reflected in a parental figure
for your children. And I'm not saying that you need to walk out of your relationship. I'm not saying that you need to just break up with him and go. But this, to me would be the start of some very very big conversations around with myself and potentially with my husband when it got to that point, around whether I would want to be in a relationship with someone who had such a disrespect for me.
Of course, but then this, and this is why I say, let's not get ahead of ourselves. She's just had a baby, she's got two other kids with him. We need to take this back to basics, and that is first and foremost, make sure he understands the why before you go into like I'm going to leave you, and let's like line up all our red flags, like this is a situation that you need to deal with immediately because it is
an immediate situation. It's happening to you right now, and it's not going to go away anytime soon because you might not get that sex drive back for a long time physically, but mentally, that's not coming back while he's acting like this, and he needs to understand that. So break it down with him and make sure there is
an understanding. And then, as I always say, his response, once you know you have explained it in every single way possible, his response to that is the telltale sign of what will happen next.
Question number two is a bit of a lighter one. All right.
My friends and I were out on Saturday night for some fun. Drinks and dancing were involved. We normally buy rounds of drinks for each other instead of purchasing individually, So when it was my next turn, I started to friendly chat and flirt with a really hot guy who was in line, and he offered to buy me a drink.
I said, I appreciated it, but I had to.
Buy a round for all my friends, And he said no, no, no, don't worry, I'll get it for your friends as well. So not only did he buy one round, he also bought shots for all of my friends too.
So that was it.
We went on and started dancing, and a little while later it was time for another round of drinks. We all went up to the bar and my friend said, well, it's your round again. She goes on to say that she argued with her a little bit because not only did she get one round of drinks, but she got two rounds of drinks for her friends, even though there was nothing monetary that was exchanged there.
Now, they had a.
Bit of a joke about it, but basically what happened is that she ended up paying for the round of a drinks. But she hates that she's been made to feel like she's the tight ass in that situation when really she feels like she has done her job. And so it caused a bit of a debate in their friendship group. And the question is, if you have scored a round of drinks for your friend, are you then responsible for buying the next round?
Yes?
I agree, fucking yes, you still have to buy the next round.
Like, well done, you got a bonus round, but you still didn't pay for it.
Like, get as many bonus rounds.
As you want to, you still have to put your monetary round down one hundred percent.
Like unless you went up and you were like, Okay, I'm going to do the groundwork. I want to make out with this guy. You know, this is my thing. I'm going to invest time. Well, here it is, you're selling your body. I'm fine with that. Okay, if you're going to invest your time into this person so that he's then paying for your drinks also not a nice thing to do. But like if you did that, I'd be like cool, you just stood at a bar and like chatted to someone and he bought some drinks for you.
Like that doesn't negate your round. That's a very minimal effort for rounds.
It's one hundred percent of bonus round. This is the easiest question I've ever had. You've been a titus.
I get why you're stoked, and it's bragging rights. Yes, high fives all round. Like you did well, Like you're done good. You went out into the wild, you hunted and gathered, and you gathered the drinks and you brought them back to your tribe. And then they you know, well done, but you still need to put the money down for the next round.
I totally agree. Okay, okay, we've literally never had an easier question. Yeah, the toilet paper one.
I think that was easy.
Also, like you never want to be Yeah, the toilet paper one was very easy. You never want to be seen as being the titles. And if it means like if you haven't spent any money at all, and the thing that's making you look like a Titus is the fact that you've not financially contributed and everyone else has, that's a you problem, not of them problem.
I would have said, if you can go out and get us a round of drinks for free, I will buy the next round, and then you get two bonus rounds.
Yeah, or maybe it's something that you have to kind of specify this is okay, I've got one more thing. I know we've said this was easy, but I'm unpacking it now. If you had said when it was your round, guys, if I can get someone to buy this round of drinks for us for free, that's my round done, because then it doesn't seem like it was just opportunistic. The thing is you didn't go there expecting that this guy
was going to pay for your drinks. You went there, he offered, and it was an opportunistic purchase.
You know, That's what happened. And so you tried to claim of engagement.
Yeah, you've got to have that conversation first. You get to say, I'm going I'm gonna hunt, I'm going to gather and I'm going to get us some drinks for free. And then I'm not going to pay for the next one. Yeah, and I'm going to brag abut to thrust of my life perfect?
Okay? Question number three.
I have another silly, lighthearted one, but I think it affects a lot of people. I'm single, and whenever I go away with my friends and family, I always get I always get the trundle bed or.
Or the couch. Been there. All the couples get the double beds.
Even if I go away with my girlfriends, they refuse to sleep on the air mattress on the floor.
It's just like it's a default.
Because I'm a single person, should it be okay for me to ask to pay less for the accommodation or another tit ask question? Because no, I don't think this is tight as no, no, But it pertains to whether you're being a tit ask. Should it be okay for me to ask to pay less for the accommodation because I get the shit bed on the floor when everyone else gets a proper comfy bed.
Okay, I have I know you have feelings about this brick because for so long, being the single one, you would be.
Relegated to the fold out here it is, Dude, I've had everything. I get the dog kennel. If I'm the single person we're away, I'm getting all the shit, all right.
I think if you are traveling with just your girlfriends and you have been relegated to the shittest bed in the house and it's like doesn't even have a room and it's on the floor and you're just traveling with your girlfriends and their partners are not there, then yeah.
Fuck that pay less Like that's ridiculous.
Papers is a rocket, Like you all need papers as a rock, and whoever wins fair and square for the bed on the floor gets the bed on the floor.
Totally.
But the fact that that seems to be the expectation in your friendship group just because you're single, I think that that more. I don't actually think that has anything to do with you being single. I think that has to do with you being more agreeable, and they're just like, oh, she's always fine with it, so we'll let her have it. I think that you just need to speak up for yourself in those situations.
I've been this person my entire life, like with my family and my friends, I'm always I've always been a single person, which is fine, and ninety percent of the time I don't care.
It's fine. But I remember I cracked it one year.
It's not even that it's the ship bed, but it's the ship room, the shit everything, And I get why it's like you have to sleep in the lounge room because you're on your own. Maybe it's just the expectation around the fact that, like there's no consideration and there's never even a conversation about, oh, maybe she doesn't want to sleep in the kennel tonight, maybe we should bring her inside. So I think it's the idea of being like, Okay, maybe we should paper.
This is a rocker bed.
Maybe you know, we all get double beds. We're all here, it's one night, whatever it is. I remember one prime example of I had to go away with my family. But we were sharing a room, Sherry Jay and myself. We were sharing a room and this is so this is actually so dumb. But there was one big, normal bed double bed. Then there was another blow up double bed that was at their foot of the bed. It was almost like kids that were sleeping away with their parents.
And it was just like automatic that I was going to sleep on the blow up And I just remember saying, do you know what I want a real bed for? Once we're in the same room we're all sharing, you can have the blow up double bed because for the last ten years straight, I've been the one that's like on the floor everywhere. And they were like, fair play, take the double bed, We'll take the shitty bed at the end.
And that was it. And I only needed that one. I only needed to be seen just one.
But I think the friend one, in all seriousness, the friend one is easy. Like you guys just need to be doing a paper is a rock, draw a name out of a hat.
If there's one shit.
Situation and you've all paid the same amount of money, just draw a name out of a hat. Just don't let them walk away you next time?
Yeah, I mean I agree with you, Britta, and I think that this comes down more to the feeling that you have that you're not as relevant, you're not as like valued, that you're just going to be expected to take the shit option, because it does happen. Whenever you go and stay in an airbnb. There's always that shit room that has bunk beds in it, or like some sort of like crappy little room that feels like a cupboard. And when you're the single person that's allocated to you.
The only thing that I think is important to keep perspective on is that normally, maybe it's different if you're traveling with your family, but normally if you're traveling with your friends. They break down the cost of an Airbnb or of a group holiday per person, right, so if you're each paying two hundred dollars per person. But the thing is is so just say, like in your instance, for it, there's two rooms, one is infinitely better than
the other. One room someone is getting for two hundred dollars and the other room two people are paying four hundred dollars for. So you would expect that as a couple, if you're paying four hundred dollars between you to stay in one room that that room would be better than the one that the single person has, And I think that that just comes down to, like the equation of maths, the value for money. Unfortunately, when there's two of you, you've got more money to put into.
A group holiday.
That's how I feel about it, and I'm also I don't want to stay in the room that doesn't have the nice bed in.
It selfish no one does question three. The other day, my partner of nearly eight years and I were discussing fantasies. I brought it up because you know, you want to keep the spark and keep things a little interesting. I told him I'd always had the fantasy of having sex in public, and he told me that he had always wanted to have a threesome. I know it's pretty common fantasy for guys, but I'm feeling a bit rocked by this.
I'm only sexually attracted to men, so I don't really find the idea of having sex with another woman appealing. I don't want to completely shut him down, especially because I was the one that brought up the idea of fantasies in the first place. I don't really know what to do from here. Have you got any advice? Is there a middle ground? Yes, there's a middle ground. Have a threesome with two men? Fine, see how he deals with that. Fantasies are just that it's okay to talk
about them. You don't have to act on them.
Like if his fantasy sits outside one that you're comfortable with, then the conversation that you have is like okay, like maybe we can watch threesome porn, or maybe we can I don't know.
I guess there's other things.
I don't think there's many other things you can do except from actually have the threesome. But you can acknowledge that that's a fantasy for him, but it's something that you don't want to do, especially if you have zero sexual desire, zero interest yourself in bringing a third party into your relationship. Which is can we just and I know, we want to normalize all the different things that people
do in relationships. It is and will and could change your relationship to having a reasm it can have.
Yeah, we had a big reasonable question.
As much as we want to be sexually liberal and say like you can do whatever you want, you can experience whatever it is that you want to experience. If you don't want to, you don't have to. And there's going to be a big difference between having sex in public and fucking someone else in your relationship. I would say they're very different fantasies some of them, and one of them is much more complicated than the other unless you get arrested. So like that is definitely a consideration.
And I guess it's great that he voiced it to you. It's great that he made it known. You don't have to act on it, and that's okay.
But the other thing is, I mean, the thing that stands out for me is you say, I don't want to shut it down because I brought up the idea of talking about our fantasies. Because you bring up a conversation doesn't mean you have to do it. Just you said, let's talk about a fantasies.
FU. Yeah, a threesome, Like it doesn't work like that.
Sometimes the idea of talking about fantasies is enough to bring spark in because just the thought of it and the discussion of what it would be is the excitement that you need. But you do not to be clear, you do not need to go and have a threesome, right now, because you brought up the conversation of fantasy.
And you're not shouting it to Like, you could talk about going to Europe, doesn't mean you have to go to Europe, do you know? I mean you could talk about one of men jumping whatever. Yeah, No, I'm not like important, I brought it up. No, I agree with you. I think threesomes it's a very common fantasy that a lot of people have. Does that mean that most people
are okay with having them in their relationship? No, I would say that there are lots of people who are explorative and experimental and like are quite happy to try, or maybe you have had one in their life.
I would not say.
And this is just completely me blanket statement and it's not based on anything other than my feelings. I don't think it would be that common for people who are in long term relationships to go and have threesomes. I think that that is a rarity, and that's why we like to talk about it, because it is a fantasy, because it is naughty, because it isn't common. And so I think it's okay that he's said it. I think it's okay that he's spoken about it with you and
been honest enough. I don't think it has to breed an insecurity in you that he wants to run away and do it. The thing is he's always thought about It's always been a fantasy. It's been there for the last eight years. He hasn't acted on it, and you don't have to now. But I guess it does raise
some questions, though, doesn't it? Bret Like if Matt said to me that he had a fantasy, and because I brought the brought it up to him and I wanted to spice our relationship up, and then he said that he'd had this fantasy he'd never acted on, there would be a part of me that would want to please him. They would be a part of me that would want to do the thing that he wanted, even if it made me feel a little bit uncomfortable, because I don't want to begrudge him of something.
Oh, I couldn't be further from the truth. But I never get mean a threesome with another woman neither.
Do not care what it is.
It's not my thing and I'm not going to do it because someone else wants me to do it.
Yeah, well that's what I was gonna say.
Is like, even though there would be a little part of me that would want to asking me jokes, even though that would be weird that you didn't see me stop asking, Like it was very quiet in the corner there, Like it's been me and Matt who are like Bretney knock on the door.
Yeah, I'm going to have that threesome that we've always stop asking me.
I'm not coming over, okay. Yeah.
Like what I'm saying is I empathize with your want and that's because you care about your partner's sexual desires and needs.
But do you owe that to him? No? Please don't go and have a threesome against your will.
No, it'll also if you're not fully into it and fully subscribe to it, it'll fuck your relationship, hondy because it will make you insecure handy.
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