Life Uncut acknowledges the traditional custodians of country. We pay our respects to their elders past and present, Always was, always will be Aboriginal Land. This episode was recorded on Drug Wallamuta Land. Hi guys, and welcome back to another episode of Life Uncut.
I'm Laura, I'm Brittany, and Brittany's back baby. Yeah it was weird. I got a day off. I mean, yeah, so be nice.
Not intentionally, So you guys know, I'm doing their fertility journey, the egg freezing, which is the two weeks of hormones. And I've spoken about it many times, but if you're new here, I'm in the middle of doing my egg freezing. But what it means it's so time specific. Well, we didn't realize.
I mean actually I did, because I knew last time it was time specific. But like it's to the men, it's very time specific.
And I mean when I say didn't realize, this is my third time doing it, so know now. But going into the process, and I think it's a really interesting thing that a lot of people don't know. And this is what I say to people when they're saying I want to do it. What do I need to know you need to be available. And when I say available for a two week period, you have to be available to go into the clinic to have your blood test, to have your ultrasounds, their internal ultrasounds where the probe
goes in in your cervix. They scan the follicles from the inside, and they check the lining, and they check that they're growing. They do all their measurements, but that is all very time sensitive.
So you'll do a blood test. I did a blood test a couple of days ago.
Then they get the results and then they say, okay, you need to come in Monday morning between seven and eight thirty.
That's it.
So it doesn't matter what you've got on, you have to be available because stove. Yeah, because the rest of the testing and the rest of the injections and the dosages depend on that result. So once that result comes back, then I'll know when my next appointment is. So I know now that I have to go back tomorrow morning for another scan and another blood test to check how they're growing. And so I couldn't come to the recording last minute because I had to go and do this testing.
So produce a Keisha field in. Did it go all right, it went great. That was Tuesday's episode. But how are the baby little follicles blip?
Well, they're still unfortunately baby follicles.
So I have quite a lot.
So I've got about fourteen on one side and thirteen on the other. So that's what the sonographer tells you. But that's irrelevant because she didn't tell me the sizes. She's like, oh, this is how many you've gotten. That I got excited. That's what happened last time. But basically it's how big they are and if they're mature enough so quote unquote, so they do all the measurements. So I've got a lot, but they're measuring most of them are measuring really small.
What are you going to do this time? Do you feel like this is the last time or do you think it's something that you could do again. I mean, I thought the last time was the last time. It's hard to know.
I won't know until I get my results, and I don't want to do it again.
I already know that.
But if I get none again like last time, yes, I'll probably keep going until I get some more.
Because none is none like.
None none zeropsent chance of me using those in the future. So if I get none, I guess I'll go again. But I wonder, and I know that so many people in my dams, you know, I'm like third time. People are like, oh my gosh, good luck, I'm up to my fifteenth time. And I just think, oh my god, like what you have gone through so many times? And it's so common, like so many women saying thank you, I feel so alone.
And that's why I put some polls up on my Instagram a couple of days ago.
If you follow me, just trying to try and engage how many you have done this process or about it? Yeah, so people can look at it and see it's actually really quite common because so many people are messaging saying they feel so lonely in the process, which is really sad because it's really common and a lot of women are going through it, I guess, just not a lot of talking about it.
I read this really interesting article which I can't remember where it was, but it was. I mean, it was an opinion piece around how prolific conversations are about egg freezing and how it's like, are we being made to worry more than we should now about our fertility because it seems like everyone is talking about egg freezing, and I know it's been a big conversation for us over the last couple of months, and it's something that is
so important to be aware of. But I wonder where the tipping scale is in terms of how important it is and how many people should have in terms of if they were to go down the path of egg freezing, because I do think I think like the algorithm now knows, like I even get advertised egg freezing, and I'm like,
hold ahda, but do you know what I mean. It's like something that we never would have thought about ten fifteen years ago, and now it's almost become so commonplace that you hit your thirties and you are thinking about or expecting to go down the path of egg freezing.
And I genuinely think, now that I've done it for a few years, I think it should be commonplace. I think this should be a really common discussion. Not commonplace that you freeze your eggs, but commonplace that we're talking about it and that you're aware of it. Because education is the key. I think a lot of the time people aren't educated enough to know that they might have problems, what those problems could be, what they look like what
masks those problems? When I think it should be common conversation. I think it should become a conversation that people are aware enough to say, hey, you know what, I don't know if i'll egg freeze, but I might just go and do that initial testing to see where I'm at, just so you have the knowledge to make the decision, because it's not for everyone.
Not everyone's going to want to do it. And I think it is a really interesting conversation. And I'm fascinated by this idea that the pendulum almost has to swing
so far in the opposite direction. And it's not in terms of like giving people fertility anxiety, but it's around at least knowing what your fertility is and having a bit of awareness over it, because I think, like for so many of us for so long, it's this like unknown until you're trying, I mean, until you're in the position that you want to have a baby, you just don't know. You're just assuming and you're going off what you think might be the case. But I do think it.
I mean I wonder whether in set of ten year time it will be something, or five years time even that becomes more and I don't want to say more of an anxiety for people, but becomes like more front of mine because it is becoming so common and now the algorithms are selling us egg freezing. There is like advertising around it, and it's just becoming something that does play into people's insecurities around where their fertility sits, especially for people who are single as well.
Yeah, and that's why I think it's important to go and get the testing so you have the knowledge. You don't have to go and make that decision because you saw an ad Totally. Oh my god, I'm thirty and I've seen an ad. I've got to go egg freeze. That's not it at all. But it's knowing what your situation is, what your biological situation is, because it's different for everybody. So I don't think it's a scare tactic. And I never want to be talking about this and
scare anybody. But I want to talk about this and have somebody sit there and say, oh, maybe I'll just check.
It out totally and have visibility around it. Yeah. So this is Thursday.
I think my collection will be sad, but you don't know until probably two days ago. Harvest time again, when they do that is an operation they do go under for a local or can you be awake for that?
You can do either, but I always go under.
Yeah, I think I would too, because for a local, the way I think about it, and I mean, like, I'm sure everyone that's ever given birth is like, suck it up, Brittany, But for a local, it's like you're awake and they have to put the anesthetic into your cervix, so you still have to have that moment where you're not anesetized to be an esetized, you know what I mean. So it's still got to go in there and you've got to have that. And I was just like, just just put me out. I was like, knock me out
and wake me up like an hour later. I don't know so I feel about childbirth. Just put me under and take it out of me. I don't want to know about it totally, Like.
Wait, I want to know when I have a baby. I want to know. I want to wake up like two years later. You don't it, just put me in in juice coma. I honestly, every time I see like mother Earth, mothers who are like fucking water birthing and home birthing and breathing their way through it. I'm just like, you are a better human than I am. And I know that that's not how we should look at it, but really I'm like, wow, you are so much stronger than me. I am pathetic and weak and scared. I know.
I think actually more of my friends than not I have done water births just at home or like at a hospital that provides the water birth. I don't.
I I don't know if I can even think about that, And I think I'd be one of those people that thinks.
It's a great idea. I honestly, and I say this with the greatest admiration. When people are like, breathe the baby out, I'm like, I screamed that motherfucking baby out, slid straight across the count. No, it certainly did not trust me. Didn't four cents in a s suction cap and everything. That kid came out with a cone head. It was locked down. Honestly, Molly May was still holding onto the lining of my uterus. She was like, I'm not going anywhere. She was two and a half weeks
late and she was holding on for due life. And that's funny. She's so small too.
I mean, I know that doesn't mean anything, but usually she's so small. Usually you think when they go over they're any more in there, you know, like they're growing bigger.
But she was a tiny little thing. I yeah, she was so so small that it makes me think maybe she wasn't that overcooked, Maybe didn't actually get the time. Maybe. But I mean, I'm pretty sure that people who I'm pretty sure the midwives and whoever were doing the testing and the obstecutions and everything else know a lot more than I do. I'm sure they were correct and I was very wrong. But anyway, but I.
Put Originally, when I started to talk about this third process, like we've said, I felt like I was over talking about it, not over it, but like talking too much about it. And I didn't want to talk about something you guys didn't want to hear about. So I put a poll up about what you want to hear if I talk about it? Is it seeing the injections, is it how to do it? Is it how I'm feeling?
Is it the result? And overwhelmingly the response was like the physiological differences and how I'm looking and how I'm feeling.
But the number one thing is.
I'm just so emotional, like the number of times I cry a day, and what I'm crying about makes me want to cry about it, Like I'm having the most ridiculous fights with Ben.
Okay, just I talked me through the most recent fire.
The most recent argument was only yesterday. I shouldn't say it's a fight, but because it's not. It's him being so confused and me just being so upset.
You being a psychopath. And came being like what have I gotten myself into?
There were two actually that are actually so ridiculous that I don't even want to put it out to the universe. Yesterday's one was Ben's been a bit unwell and he had to go and get an X ray. And so he went to get the X ray and because I encouraged him, right, I'm like, you're not well, just go and check it out, you know, like appease me.
So he did, went got an X ray.
I woke up the next day and he's like, hey, hey babe, got my X ray. I was like, cool, send the X ray three so I can have a look. Because you guys know, or you might not know, but I worked in radiology for thirteen years.
I'd taken them every day my life. So I was like, send it through. He's like, well, what I send through? I was like the x ray? It's like, I don't have it. I was like, what what do you mean? I fucking have it. He's like, well, babe, I just went to the hospital. They kept it, got the x ray, and they keep it file. And I was like, you didn't ask them for the picture. He's like, why would I ask them?
I was like, I don't know, Ben, maybe because I this is my job, this is what I do. Did you not think i'd anyway? It went on and on and on, and he couldn't understand. He's like I'm sorry, no, no, no, no, no one can understand.
No.
He's like he couldn't understand. And I was upset that. I was like, you don't even understand me, you don't even know me, Like.
What were you going to do that the doctor wasn't already going to do or the radiographer who took the photo in the first place was going to do. That's my point.
And the thing is, I know, deep down and I'm being completely irrational and such a twat, like I know it. And I came back later on and apologize, but at the moment, I really sat in it. I really made him feel bad for I said, quote unquote not considering me in this situation in his illness, in his hospital visit. And I was like, you didn't even consider me.
He was like, of course I didn't. You're on the other side. Fuck. It's so annoying because you're like, I don't want to give in too the hormones. Not that you don't want to give into them, but you're like, I don't want to believe that they run my life this much, but they really do. And every time, And I know this was part of you guys at the live show. It was part of my one of my stories of the live show, the amount of crazy that
I feel two days before getting my period. Do you remember I called you the other night and I was like, I just can't stop crying, or called me balling, And then Matt said to me once again, he was like, are you sure? And it's like every time it comes as a surprise to me. Every month, I don't track my period, so it's kind of like a bit of a kinder surprise. I'm not exactly sure what day it's gonna come, but I should know by now. That the two days that I'm fucking balling my eyes at is
a pretty clear indication that it's on its way. Well, also, maybe you should just track it, nah cuvy bother. That's another thing I'll forget about. Let's be real.
I'm like, I feel like I feel like Satan is going to make your life easier.
But you do your boo, you do your boo, but you live your life. I like the spontaneity in the surprise of not knowing. Matt can sniff that out. He's like a period bower Bird. He's like, I know what's happening here. He's always right. That's the problem. It's so infuriating. Well, I was just I think the emotion's only going to get worse.
So that was yesterday, and I was just driving to work today and I was listening to the Eras playlist, like Taylor Swift because.
I'm crying in the car.
I'm trying to really get in the tailor zone for her concept, and so I was listening to Taylor, I've got the set list, which you should start to listen to so you know the whole set. And I was crying the whole way and every lyric hit me differently, and like I sat there and cried for like forty five minutes on the whole trip, every song, and I was thinking of Bend the whole time, and then I would cry be of happiness.
I hate me. I hate me right now.
But speaking of Taylor, did you see her moment last night? Well, this was two days ago when this comes out, But her moment in Argentina where Travis, her boyfriend, was at the show and she changed the lyrics to him.
Did you see the moment? No? Okay, I have not been following anything, and I think I'm the only person in Australia who's not or the only person who actually enjoys Taylor Swift. I have not been following this relationship at all.
Okay, do you have an opinion on the relationship if you think it's before we get into this, if you think it's PR or real?
Oh, I don't have No. I don't have a firm feeling either way. The only thing though, is I would suspect that someone as big as Taylor, as medius savvy, as PR savvy as Taylor, knows what she's doing. I don't think it's a PR relationship, but I definitely think that she knows how to use her relationships to her advantage. Yes, I agree, And she's the queen of storytelling, so I
don't think she's going to miss a storytelling opportunity. Like I know, the whole friendship bracelet thing like that is a storytelling moment.
So I when it first came out, when the relationship first came out, because you know, we're not going to deep dive into that because I'm sure you guys have all heard it. But Travis went to her concert. He loved Taylor. Travis Kelsey. He's the American football player. Yeah, he's got the big mo he's hot, he's big, manly, not Taylor's usual type.
Right, Yeah, he's a footy player. So he went to the concert. He wanted to ask her out.
He tried to give her a friendship, his own friendship bracelet to Taylor, like with his number on it. It was a whole thing, right, But he couldn't get to her in terms of she was like, I'm not saying anyone, like no, I don't even.
Know who you are.
But then publicly he told that story and he's like, ah, he threw it out there. I want to bite Taylor to one of my matches. I tried to give her my phone number. I couldn't get to us, so the media took that Taylor heard about it. Taylor turned up to the game, this big thing, right. But since they've come out, both of them have skyrocketed. And I know you think she can't skyrocket anymore, but she has. I mean, he's definitely doing better out of her than she. Hondy Honey, definitely punching.
So oh, I don't know if he's punching because he's pretty hot. No, I don't mean, I don't mean, I mean hotness does not come into punching. I think. I mean as in, like this in terms of success has been way more advantageous to him, I think than her.
Well yeah, but I don't know a man in the world that it would be opposite, Like any man that dates Taylor Swift. She's the biggest thing in the world, right, So anyone's going to be punching or like, it's going to be advantageous.
Which is the sad thing.
And like it must be so hard to be someone like Taylor Swift who has to second guess everyone that wants to be in a life.
I remember when it first came out. I am guilty.
Of saying, oh, this is probably PR her coming out, and he's got all these matches that it's.
Going to do him good as well.
And it was such a different relationship for her that I didn't believe it at the start, But I didn't care either, like everyone in Hollywood does PR relationships, So I wasn't off it, but I didn't believe it.
I was like, cute.
You know, they're gonna do what they're gonna do for a couple of weeks. They're gonna get a lot of publicity, they're gonna say that they're better off as friends and part ways.
But I'm so in this relationship now.
I think it's so real. I think they're genuinely in love. So they had this moment last night in Argentina at her concert. He's flown over there to watch her. He's in a private box. She's performing. It's packed, it's sold out, and some people in the crowd are filming.
Now. She's singing the song Karma, which the lyrics comma as My fire Bear.
The original lyrics are, Karma is the guy on the screen. I'm not going to sing it, Karma is this girl? Karma is the guy on the screen coming Straight Home to.
Me, which is about her ex boyfriend who was an actor. Yep, all he's an actor, so he's a guy and this you've seen on the screen. He comes Straight Home to Me. So she's in the middle of this.
Set and she looks up to him, to Travis, and she says, and it was such a simple moment, but he didn't know what was coming. And you can see that he hears the lyrics and his face and he's so shocked and so toughed and he sat It's so I've got goosebumps.
It's the cutest thing.
You have to watch it. And he's beside himself, his dad's there. They're like, oh my god. And then he starts like really rocking out, like really dancing to his girlfriend's lyrics.
And she's pointing up at him, and she makes.
A few references throughout the concert to him, like whenever there's a key sentence for a moment, she looks up at him and she points at to him.
And and my only take on this is that historically a lot of the people that Taylor has dated have either been musicians or actors. And I can only imagine that when you were in her orbit, but you also trying to forge a successful career yourself within the public sphere that you work, so like within a very similar industry to her, you'd then be constantly competing and be
constantly in the shadow of her fame. I can only imagine that that's one of the reasons why people like her ex boyfriend Joel or Olwen weren't publicly getting photographed together. They weren't publicly going to events together. They were very private in terms of their relationship, whereas somebody who is very successful in his own right, who is an American football player, that they're not competing. It doesn't take away from him to be public, and it doesn't take away
from her. It only is something that they can They can revel in each other's successes without either of them living in the shadow of the other person's success because the industries are so so deeply different. Yeah.
Absolutely, And I think that's a part of why I originally thought it was publicity, because she, historically speaking, is so private and half the time she gets carried out of places in like bags people don't even know in there. She gets like smuggled out because she doesn't want to be seen and photographed, and she really respects that relationship.
Now I'm not saying she doesn't respect this relationship, but I genuinely think she's come to a point of her life like where she's like, I don't fucking care anymore. I want to be like everyone else.
I want to be no, because she's not fucking like everyone else.
No.
But there's not one single part of their relationship that's like everyone else's.
No.
But she's not want to. I get she knows she's going.
To be photographed, she knows she's not the same, but she's like, I just want to be in that moment. If I want to be happy with my partner in public, if I want to kiss him, if I want to do whatever, I really love that.
Like it was just them.
Being genuinely so in love and happy to see each other, and it was just the moment where I thought, yes, I'm fucking I'm here for this relationship and I believe you and I want this to work.
I think it can be both. I think it can be both. I think it can be a real relationship that also is very pr advantageous, and I think that it's very possible that they're leaning into both of those things. I think it benefits both of them to be the public spectac that they're becoming. I wonder if you'll come to Australia. I mean it's a long way. Yeah, it does anyone care? Probably probably everyone except I don't care. I truly don't care. Anyway. Let's get into our vibes
and unsubscribes on the episode. I have a vibe today now look full transparency. This is a brand who I'm going to be working with, but the vibe is fucking strong and I'm recommending it. So Buster through. He is a rescue dog. I got him when he was one. He's got three legs. He's an angel sent from the heavens. He is truly like the most amazing dog. And I often think that rescue dogs get a bad rap, Like people often think that rescue dogs are aggressive, or you
don't really know their background. And we know or we kind of loosely know that Buster is a bull Arab, which a bull Arab is a mix between a bull Mastiff, a Great Dane, a Dalmatian. It's like it's like a random millonge of dogs that's been made and it's like an Australian breed of dogs, but no one actually knows exactly what kind of goes into them. So my recommendation is, you know how you can do ancestry for like people, you could do pet ancestry. I didn't know this was
a thing. So you do like a little swabby swab at the inside of their mouth and you send it away and you can find out exactly the breakdown of the breed of your dog. And I think this is amazing. How you know, I had no idea, but it is a thing, and we're doing it at the moment for Buster, so I'm waiting for his ancestry to come back. And I just think it's adorable. And if you're someone who's a dog person and you've always wondered, like, what is
the DNA makeup of your animal? I think it's so cool. Yeah, there you go. We can't wait to find out. Same. Give you guys have all the livestock. I'll let you know exactly how much darmbation is in Buster. All jokes aside, I'm actually really interested. Same, I'm person so same, I'm so interested.
The only thing about Buster, his only flaw is his dick's always.
Out Dick's always out.
I've never seen him without a king lipstick. It is not like it is always out. It's flapped out. It's like a it's like a draft penis, and it's always erect.
It is mighty and story. It's like a well, I mean he's compensating for the missing leg with his additional foram I reckon, that's no. But like he anytime he's excited, anytime you say walk, anytime you say water, anytime you say fucking ball. Anything to him, he's like dick out and just excited to be in the world. Maybe that's what happens, like maybe after you've been through like a big trauma like he did poor thing or hit by a car, had a leg removed. Maybe like you, he's
just really excited to be alive and everything excites him. Yeah, all day, second list, Yeah, Okay. My vibe this week is it's a podcast, and it's not a good podcast in terms of a happy podcast. I'm recommending a terrible podcast today.
No, not a good podcast in terms of it's a crime podcast, so it doesn't have a great ending for the person. But I love crime podcasts and I'm always trying to find that something new to listen to.
So it's called The Trial Ashling Murphy. That's her name, Ashlin. Yeah A s h L I n G.
It's from the same people from a podcast I recommended you guys a little while ago, which was the trial of Lucy Leppie even a nurse. Yeah, so she was the pediatric nurse that was charged with all these murders horrific of babies that you're supposed to be looking after. It's from the same people, so I really feel the connection to them. Now, you know, when you like a host or you like the people that produce something.
So we also like the way in which the storytelling's done exactly.
I mean that was downloaded over thirteen million times. So this is season two. I mean I'm not gonna say too much, but she's a twenty three your teacher in Ireland that's murdered. And Ireland, as you guys know, is very small, but the community is all very small too, So this really like I follow Irish people on Instagram now that are talking about it because it's current.
You know, this trial it's hard.
I always feel really guilty when I recommend a true crime podcast because when I think about the person. It's a real person, you know, a real person was murdered, So you almost feel like you shouldn't be talking about it, But then there's a part of you that's like, well, in her honor, more people should listen to what happened to this person. You know, they know who killed her and they do him.
And because it's the.
Trial, so it's about the trial of this man talking about how they discovered who did it, what he was doing in the lead up, and it's one of those things that gives you goosebumps, what he was doing in the lead up to this murder and how many women which is fucking wild. How many women were almost this woman, Like how many women he was following and.
It's so awful.
And those women also talking about it, like they were like, I remember him following this.
I was so scared. But they didn't know until the trial that that's how close they were to be in that person. That's so so terrifying. Yeah, so it's I mean, I likely listen to it. And that's my vibe of this week. It's the trial Ashling Murphy. Do you know what I did watch? I watched a recommendation from last week last top Larima.
Loll cano, right, I mean though about it, like it's almost satirical.
Yeah, one hundred percent. It's the weirdest murder mystery I've ever watched. But I actually was on the edge of my seat. I loved it. I think if you haven't watched Spritz recommendation from last week, which was on Netflix last Stop Larama. It's two episodes. Matt and I watched it over the weekend and honestly, you just question, like, why would you ever live in a town like this?
But also the town itself seems so interesting. It seems like the type of place and a haven where like the most odd balls of Australian society would go to and find their little community, even though they all kind of hate each other. Go go watch that. That's like a rehash and of recommendation. Anyway, let's get into the questions. This is the wildest ask uncut we have ever received. I almost think it's going to be the hardest one to answer that we've ever had.
Okay, I'm an absolute loss. My fiance and I have been together for six years. We have an amazing relationship, and shortly after we got engaged, we decided to make our secret fantasy a reality.
After deciding that I didn't.
Want to die wondering, I asked my fiance if he would be willing to have a threesome, a one of the experience for us both before we get married. We're both quite open and trusting with each other and wanted to experience just this one thing one time. We both agreed to doing this, and I ended up asking a friend of mine if she would be willing. We all agreed, and after a lot of great communication, we worked out what we were okay.
With and how it would all go down slash who would go down here.
I felt comfortable and secure about doing this with a friend that I had asked because we're not super close, but we have known each other for a long time. I didn't really want to do this with a friend that would be around a lot. I didn't want them to be super close to me. She was very respectful about boundaries and made sure I was happy with everything.
When it came to do and the deed, my fiance.
And I were both super stoked we did this, and we said we felt closer than ever.
Now.
There's a lot in this, so I'm going to fast forward. Basically, the next little while.
We didn't talk to that girl.
We messaged her twice just to keep contact, but she's not a close friend. Last week she called and dropped an absolute bombshell on us. She called me when I was at work and told me that she was pregnant.
I don't even have words, Craig bragante, and that my fiance is a father. I called my fiance straight away.
He said, Oh my god, I actually think the condom did break, but I was too drunk to remember or to even think about talking about it.
She's decided to keep the baby. Holy shit, I know, she said. I feel really blindsided. I have no idea what to do. How do I even process this.
My fiance and I do want kids together one day, but the idea of him having a baby with another woman makes me feel sick. He's so upset and confused about what to do or how to feel. How do we explain this to friends and family? How do we know if this can even work? I feel so overwhelmed. I don't know if I can stay in this relationship and move over it. But there's nothing wrong with our relationship except this.
Oh okay, let's attack it from the top. Down, you can't do anything. If she wants to keep this baby,
that is absolutely one hundred percent her decision. And unfortunately, it means that if you want to stay in a relationship with your husband, your fiance, that this baby and it's mum, your friend, is going to be in your life forever, forever, and that's going to be something that you're going to have to make like you're gonna have to go to some therapy and you're going to have to come to terms with if it's something that you
are able to do now. I think realistically, I'm trying to put myself in your position, which is just I can't even I cannot even imagine what it is that you're going through. But I guess what I would try and compartmentalize is that this was a decision that you guys both made together mutually as a couple, that you wanted to do, and you didn't have any regrets after doing it. Obviously, you don't want to have a baby. That's not something that was on the cards or it
wasn't a plan. But I don't think it has to come at the sacrifice of your relationship, because he didn't go out and cheat on you. You mutually had the experience together, and now the byproduct of that is that he's going to be the father or the DNA contributor to a baby. I think together the two of you have to make the decisions around one obviously if you're going to stay together, but to what sort of father, What sort of contribution does he want to make into
that child's life. And that can be being a proactive dad, that can be not anything if he doesn't want to be. I'm not saying that that is the great option or that is the most moral option, but that is also an option. He can financially contribute to the child's life, but he doesn't have to be a proactive part of the child's life. And how do you explain it to friends and family? You tell him, I think you have to tell the truth. I think you be honest. I
think you genuinely be honest. And I think the reason why you genuinely be honest, especially with people in your closest knit circle, is because the assumption is going to be that he cheated on you. And if you love your partner and you want to protect your partner, I think you carry a bit of that weight together because he didn't betray you. Uh fucking' hew. I mean, but I don't want to skim over this. I don't know if I would be able to survive this in my relationship.
No, and this is the thing that I think I want to the angle I want to go down and I we need to cover it all.
But I have thought about this for the last couple of days. I spoke to Beat about it.
I've been really trying to get my head around what I would do in this situation. And I guess it's one of those things you don't know unless you're in it. I mean, she ends it with I don't know if I can accept this situation. Unfortunately, if you can't accept it, Whilst that's not fair, you don't have another option. You can't stay in a relationship if you're not going to
accept it, because it is forever. I'm also making an assumption here that your partner is got and you if you stay in the relationship, because you will become a step mum. But your partner, I assuming he's going to do the right thing, because you know it was a situation you.
All willingly went into and it is a friend.
I can't imagine a man in that situation, being like, no, you're on your own making that assumption that he's going to be involved in some capacity financially and physically.
Do you think though, that that is the wrong thing. It is an interesting debate because I don't think this might caught me into a bit of hot water in may. I do think that you financially need to contribute, So if you have unprotected sex with someone. Firstly, I mean, it's terrible that the condom broke and he did not have a conversation with her. He didn't think about her. He was too drunk. Like that's a whole that is a really massive issue that we can't just skim over.
Like morally, this is a situation he created by his irresponsibility, and he had sex in a way that she therefore did not consent to. And now she's pregnant, and this poor woman is having a baby that she didn't necessarily want to have, but is keeping it. And that's you know, like that's her decision to do so. But I guess when it comes to the expectation that he has or that people have on him, to be a proactive part in this child's life, I think financially and legally he
has to be. But I don't think that a man has to be a father figure in a child's life that he didn't also agree to wanting to have. Does that make sense, Yeah, I mean I disagree. I think it's unfair, but I don't think that there's an expectation to toplay that part.
I think it's a responsibility that you need to take in some capacity.
Of course, you don't have to. If I was that child and.
I grew up knowing that my dad was my mum's friend literally down the road, and he didn't fucking care about me. He threw me some money. Sometimes it's going to have an impact. So I think it kind of sound to him it's a moral obligation. Obligation is probably the wrong word. It's a moral responsibility. You are not obligated if you don't want to. No human in the world obviously is. But I think it shows a lot
if he isn't involved in his child's life. I don't think that in this situation money is enough personally.
Especially when it was his fault. Yeah, and we don't say fault right, Well, it was he's caught the condom broke and he was too drunk to actually acknowledge it or talk about it. That's his fault coming back to you because this is about you. I feel so sorry for you.
But if you think that there is a way you can get through this, which I think you should probably try if he's the love of your life and you are going to have kids one day to get If you really think you can move through it, then you need to all talk together. You need to sit down with this friend, go through what it's going to look like. What are the expectations, Are there boundaries? Then you need to have a conversation with your partner. What do you want in this in terms of being a father? What
do you want from me? Do you still want to have your own kids with me in that situation? There are so many aspects of this that you need to nut out the holy fuck yeah.
I mean, look, think I agree with you on some parts and I disagree with you on others. I definitely think the three of you need to sit down and have a very open conversation around expectations, around how you feel this is going to play out. I think you and your heartner need time to grieve. You need time to grieve this idea of the family unit that you were going to have. That's not to say that your family unit still won't exist, And it doesn't mean yes
he will either. You know, your friend has his baby and he wants to be a part of it. There will be co parenting. That doesn't mean that that relationship becomes his nuclears family or relationship. He will still go on to have a family with you. It just means that he will cope parent and your kids will have a half brother or sister, which is gonna be a weird thing to overcome. But you know what, in time, even weird situations become less weird, like they become normal.
You guys will grow past it. Time really does. And it's the dumbest and lamest saying, but it is true. Time heals all and in time you can get over so many things that you think you're not able to get over. But I think in this instance, I would be really having conversations around expectations because you never know, your friend may not have the expectation that she wants him to be a proactive part of this child's life.
She may want him to be a proactive part. She may want him to be you know, a dad who contributes financially, Like I think having those conversations, he might want to be proactive, Like you just don't know what everybody is feeling, what everybody is thinking, and what the expectation is to show up to being a parent in this situation. And I think the choice to have the baby is entirely her choice, but how that baby's parent
it is not entirely her choice. And so that's something that the three of you can come to a decision on together. But I do think it is something you could work through. But you're going to have to be super open minded, and you're going to have to really communicate with the people around you who you love and respect and who are important to you, because ultimately you have to protect your partner as well as yourself and your relationship. And it's gonna be the weird, big elephant
in the room. But also, like, fuck it, you had a threesome. It's not like you didn't, no one cheated, no one did anything wrong. You had a consensual threesome. And I can only imagine how challenging this period of life is. But I genuinely think you can get through this if this is the person that you've been with for six years. You know, I just think you can. Yeah, you can work through it.
Yeah. I think that's the most important thing as well that I agree with is when it comes out, you do need to tell the truth because otherwise it paints well, two people in a really bad life, him as a cheater and her as a friend that also you know, quote unquote fucked your partner.
So yeah, but also when I say you have to tell the truth, you don't owe anyone anything. You don't have to over explain it, you don't have to just it. You had a threesome, Like, you didn't break any laws. You did whatever the fuck you wanted to. You're three consenting adults. Yes, your parents might find it a bit challenging to understand. But you know what, like at the end of the day, people around you will come round to these sorts of things and I think, yeah, it's
reopen as at all. No, but some people will and there will be like some guilt and shame attached to it, which they shouldn't be.
Yeah, totally, I'm just saying I think that part isn't no brainer for me, is the truth telling, because otherwise two people are painted as totally as really bad people that weren't so Unfortunately, it's a pill that you might have to swallow for a hot second. But in this day and age, I mean, everyone's talking about this kind of stuff now. It will hit different now to what it would have twenty years ago.
It is an unbelievable situation. I think this is possibly the most challenging ask on cup I've ever had. But I really do want to reiterate that the big thing here, and I think the main part of the responsibility falls on the fact that your partner his condom broke and he did not communicate that. It is such a like I don't even have words for how much of a
betrayal that is. And the fact that he didn't he was too drunk, it didn't occur to him that he should have had that communication means that all of those discussions that you guys had pre having that threesome, all of the conversations around your boundaries, around the way in which you were going to engage the respect for each other,
all of that went out the window. And that really changes the basis of which the boundaries were set in terms of what was going to be okay and not okay in this threesome, I.
Would love you to write in what happens, and that might not be something you want to do, but this as an aftermath, I would love to know if you can get to a point where you're okay with it and you stay in the relationship and you guys move.
Forward, or if you think you can't yeah, oh oh my god, the aftermath of this, and I think like the very last thing is go and have some therapy together, like you and your couple, the three of you, to talk through the complexities of this situation. I think, like, don't underestimate the importance of that process. And lastly, take it day by day because this is such a big and overwhelming decision that you need to make and it feels so huge. But like I said, time kind of
heals things. And as you take one step and then one day and you start working through what this looks like over the next nine months or however long she has that she's pregnant, it may seem like it is not so insurmountable when you start to break it down into smaller days. That's not to say that it's not going to be hard, but like it may feel more manageable. Yeah. Far up.
Question number two, My boyfriend and I have been thinking about making a sex tape for ourselves. What's your thoughts on this? Have you would you ever make one? I'm not sure exactly how to go about it, as.
I obviously would hate for it to go anywhere else, but it would be cool for us both to have it to access it. Would love to know your opinion. Have you ever made a sex tape? I have not. I have not made a sex tape. I have not, and I would not. That's my personal why would you not?
There's part of me that loves the idea of it, but I just don't trust it ever, not being leaked, not being sent somewhere, not being hacked.
I just wouldn't trust you. You could have your Kim Kardashian moment, that might be the thing that catapults you into stardom. I don't reckon that'll catapult me anyway.
I mean, I got some pretty good maneuvers, but I don't think that she's catapulargy.
I think it's been catapulted once with Kim, and that's it. I haven't made a sex I think I've filmed things, but not like a sex tape that's sex. I don't know, but it was like back in the day, and it wasn't even on an iPhone. It was pre iPhone days back. What is I record on it? Like a handheld camera? Like a whole movie I think I have. I would have just been deleted. It would have sat on like a memory card somewhere. Yeah, look, I don't see the
problem with it. I don't think. I think if you're in a loving and mutual relationship, and like you're in a long term relationship, I wouldn't be doing it with someone who I've just freshly started dating. But if you're in a long term relationship with someone and you want to do it, and then you're gonna watch it together and that's gonna get you off, I don't think there's any problems with it. And I also don't think that
it's necessarily unsafe. If you do it in a safe way with someone who you trust, it's just you've got to keep it somewhere where nobody is going to accidentally, you know, share it on on like an air drop or something.
I disagree because I've been in relationships where I completely trust people and I don't haven't known them right, and that is something I want people to consider.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with a sex tape. Film what you want with your partnership.
The only thing I would say is anything you ever film or shoot, there is a possibility statistically that it could go somewhere. Whether you accidentally put that on a laptop that goes somewhere, whether somebody hacks you, whether it's it's leaked, intentional, whatever, it's going to be a possibility. So I guess one thing you could say is, you know,
if it feels more comfortable. An option is to say to your partner, like, I want to do this, but if we do this, I want to take control of the tape because he also has to consent, right, because he could also be worried it's going to be leaked. You could say I want it to be on my phone if that's okay, and I don't want it to store it anywhere else. I want to only be watching
it together. Like I think it's like anything, you still have to have scent and boundaries, no faces up to whatever you guys are happy with, no faces?
Who has it? Where it's stored? Is it in one of these calculator lockboxings, What are the angles? How do you feel comfortable? What do you want to do? What don't you want to do? What is an off limits? Do you then put it in splice and edit it? Like what do you do with it? Like? Do you do you just film it from start to finish and that's your sex tape? Or do you like edit it
put a filter over it? Also, if you're putting it in an editing app, just just know that the people who own the editing app have access to everything that you edit within that app. I've just realized I need to go through my edit in it that. I also think be conservative and don't go beyond where your boundaries lie. And sometimes it's very easy to do that because you would impress your partner or you want to perform, or we can kind of like step outside where we feel
comfortable because we don't want to disappoint someone else. And I think that this is a very big conversation just before you do it. So therefore you know exactly what you do and don't feel comfortable with. So that way, if you know something is being filmed that you've said you didn't want, you can easily say, oh, you know, we just spoke about this. I don't want this on film,
but I also think the world's changing. I don't I mean, and when I say this, I mean I don't think that there is as anywhere near as much shame and stigma around it.
So again, go hellful weather, wear leather, do whatever you want, but just have those conversations and just be aware of where it could end up. My point is, if something has physically been made, it can go somewhere.
That's something to keep in mind. It's not about who where why. If it's out in the stratosphere and it's out in the intwebs and it's on a storage somewhere and it can be uploaded to an iCloud, or.
It can be shared or whatever, there's the option. So it's just something to one hundred percent keep in mind. Having said that, fucking go for it if that's.
What you want. Last question, all right, Question number three. I have been with my partner for three years. We own a house together and are engaged. Since February, I have been feeling unsure if I want the relationship. Everything on paper seems good, but I am just not physically attracted to him. Barund Barrel. I even sometimes feel embarrassed that I'm with him. Oh, that's awful, And on the other hand, we get along really well. I also feel secure and have a lot of trust in this relationship.
I have never had this before. He adores me so much, and I honestly enjoy his company. I love the life that we've built together so far. But I also find my eyes wandering, no action, just wandering. I do, however, feel that maybe I have settled for a nice guy, but maybe not someone I'm crazy about out of fear, who knows any advice on figuring out how to know if you were with the right person would be amazing? Is there more to love than looking at your partner and thinking, damn.
Oh, one part breaks my heart. I feel embarrassed that I'm with him. That's really mean, that's really really horrible. If you're only feeling embarrassed because you feel like he doesn't look the way he should look. Breaks my heart for him because he sounds like everything else is amazing and you've been with him for three years, like this is a good guy that loves you. Obviously you love.
Him, he wouldn't be with him, But that doesn't make you a bad person. If you're not attracted to your partner. I just think you have to be honest with yourself. Like if you are walking down the street and you are feeling embarrassed that you were in a relationship with someone, yes, it may be super I'm not saying that these are good feelings. But what I'm saying is is that you can justify to the cows come home all the reasons
why you should be with someone. But if you feel that way, if you feel embarrassed, if you feel not attracted to that person at all, then I don't think that all the other reasons are enough. Like if you're googling should I be with this person? If you're asking questions like is there more than this? I would say that this is not your person and you are trying to fit a square into a circle.
Yeah, I want to say the same thing I want to say. If you say to yourself, I feel like I've settled, you've settled, well, then you've probably settled, and that you know, we can be with the most amazing person that ticks every box and they're not our person. They can treat you amazingly, they can love you, they can be everything you want, even attractiveness wise, and they're not.
Your person totally.
The other thing I will say, conversely, is that looks aren't forever, and looks do fade and attraction does change. In long term relationships, the attraction you're going to have after ten years will be different in some capacity to what it was at the start. There's a difference between like unattracted and having the ick and just nothing just plateau, like you know, I love everything about you, my partner. I don't get wet when I look at you straight away, but like I still want.
To anyone care wet straight away. Yeah, that's because you're doing long distance.
But my point is if you're actually getting the ick and it's turning you off and you're that unattracted to him, then maybe he isn't your person.
But it's not just the looks.
For me, it's the idea that you were saying you're embarrassed and you're saying you think you're settling. They're two big red flags in a relationship for me.
Oh, like, they're beyond red flags. Like for me, there's no coming back from that feeling like and I say this not because I'm like, oh, you need to do this for you, you also need to do this for him. There's no convincing yourself, Oh, maybe actually be in this relationship because he's a nice person. If your partner knew that you were embarrassed to be in a relationship with them, how hurtful that would be. Like I couldn't think of any I mean, I could think of things at a worse,
but like, that would be so incredibly hurtful. And I don't think that we should be in any relationships where we're willing ourselves to like the other person, to love the other person just because on paper their qualities are great. And look, it might be that on paper his qualities are amazing, and you may struggle to find somebody else who on paper has all the qualities that he has. You know, it's not like you're going to just break up and then instantly start dating someone else. You might,
you might not. It might take you a long time. But sometimes we can find ourselves in relationships where we know the person is a great person and we can't find enough reasons to leave. It's like we want them to do something bad, we want them to love us less. We want them to do something which would then warrant this feeling of it's not quite enough, but he's so
good to you, he's never going to do it. And but the thing is is that sometimes relationships are just not right, and sometimes the person is just not the right person for you without having all of the other things that go along with it, without having the big red warning sign, it's just a feeling. And sometimes that feeling is enough to not be with a person, and you don't need someone to tell you that it's okay to leave a relationship. I myself have been in a
long term relationship where the guy was perfect. It didn't come down to looks. But I didn't feel it anymore, and hadn't for a really long time. But I knew he was amazing, and I knew he was an amazing boyfriend, and I wanted so much to be in a relationship with him because I loved the life that we had together. I loved our apartment, I loved our cat, I loved
our everything that we had. I loved. But I didn't feel the way I should have felt about him, and so I hung on for so long because I was hoping so deeply that my feelings would change, because I wanted them to change, because he was such a fucking great guy. But the reality is sometimes just being a great person is not enough of a romantic match. And I guess, like, just coming back to those two things you said that you're embarrassed and that you feel like
you're settling for me, that's it. This is a relationship you shouldn't be in.
There's also the sunk cost fallacy. You've been within three years kind of you've bought a house together, you're engaged, like you feel like a lot of people, I'm not putting words in your mouth, but a lot of people in this situation feel like they've invested too much. It's too late to go back. You know, we've got the mortgage, three years of my time. We're taking that next step with the house.
Like you're on the tradmill. You want it to keep moving forward because you want to start again from scratch.
It makes sense, right, and you probably know you want kids or you're thinking, you know, you've fantasized and talked about and planned out what your life looks like.
It's really hard to get out of that. It's really hard.
And I say hard is in not physically like anyone can sell a house right The mortgage isn't going to tie you together forever. You're not yet married. I get, yes, you're engaged, you've got a ring, you know, but you can get out of that. It's mentally really hard to get out of that. It's mentally hard to start again to mourn what you imagined your life would have been, the fairy tale, the safety, the security of a partnership.
It's really fucking hard.
Also, three years of your life at any age, it's really hard to get around the fact that three years of your life has been wasted. Quote unquote. It's not wasted at all, It is absolutely not. What will be wasted is if you stay in this relationship for twenty five years when you know you should have left twenty five years ago.
Yeah, and I know that there's another way that we can unpack this, Like we can definitely take the route of saying you're superficial and kind of pointing fingers. And I do think it is superficial to look at your partner and go, well, I'm embarrassed because of the way you look. It is so deeply superficial. It's proper cooked.
It is, it really is. But that doesn't negate the fact that that is how you feel, and if that is how you feel, then it's a relationship you shouldn't be in because you should be so especially being engaged, like engage your honeymoon period, girlfriend, Like you should be so proud of the person that is standing next to you, and that is I think a prerequisite for being in a long term relationship, for like getting ready to walk
down the aisle, if nothing else. You should be able to stand up on your wedding day and say I am so proud of the person that I marrying, and that I'm so proud to be marrying them, not to be saying I'm so embarrassed by them. It's just it's so deeply flawed. And I don't think that if that's the type of wording that you're using about your partner, that it's something that's going to be easy for you
to overcome. But I do think you're going to have to do quite a bit of work to get yourself to a place where you feel as though you can walk away from the relationship, because when everything when all the other boxes are ticked, it's so hard. Yeah, and I want to reiterate as well, I said it earlier,
but looks they really aren't everything. Like one day we're all going to be hopefully we have the privilege of being old and wrinkly and saggy, and the way someone treats you and their personality and their humor is so much more important. Yeah, but I think she knows that, and that's why she's grappling with this. That's why she's like, I know he's great, I just am not attracted to him, so sure, like what can I do to overcome this feeling?
But the thing is is if you've tried all the things, if you've tried all the things, if you've you know, invested in the relationship because you recognize he's a great guy, but you're still not attracted, still have the ick, you still don't want to be physically intimate with him because you know that we just know she's not attracted. Well,
you know, it's pretty leaning into it. I would say that if you've tried all the things, then you can't deny what's screaming at you, and that's that this relationship doesn't feel right, even if you can't put your finger on the exact reason why you are being told something, and that is that your guys are not compatible for whatever. That is also the last thing.
You've been feeling unsure if you want the relationship since February, so it's now November, so long it's yeah, this is not four weeks. This is coming close to ten months, like the better part of a year. I think you need to exit stage left before you lock it down into the wedding.
Sorry, after math ten it's enough math. If you feel like this before getting married, this will end in divorce totally. I very strongly feel like that. Okay. Anyway, guys, that is it from us. If you have a question for asking cut, please slide on into the DMS. Every single one of these ones were very spicy. Yeah, they were hard, very tricky. So the threesome one fun. It's gonna give me nightmares. You guys know the trill.
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