Hey guys, and welcome back to another episode of Life on Pard. I'm Brittany and I'm Laura, and this is our Thursday episode. In case you're wondering, it's out, down and dirty and sexy little episode where we answer your deep, dark and burning questions. And thank you to everybody who are sent in questions for today's episode. We have like always received so many and I reckon, we've got some really good ones today.
And whilst we're saying now thank you, is thank you to our sponsor for this week, which is Durmavine. Now Deermovine is an insane moisturizer so good that I ordered it into my quarantines. It is amazing for dry and itchy skin.
But Laura, we.
Are so close to being back together physically. I can almost reach through the screen and touch you.
Okay, So we're recording this on Wednesday. Actually, there's so much happening. By the time this episode comes out on Thursday, Melbourne will be out of lockdown, the Bachelorette would have started, and Brittany Hockley will be back here in Sydney in BONDI probably doing the exact same thing that she was doing before. She left, which is sitting in my bedroom in her underwear, recording the podcast.
What has been going on, Laura, What have you got from me this week? Tell me something exciting has happened?
I have absolutely nothing at all, Like I wish I could come.
You're like, I'm still essentially in lockdown.
I'm not even gonna live people. I'm not gonna pretend like my life is anything that's interesting. I guess the only thing that has been happening in my life lately is it's all kid related. So Lola has just started daycare. She is going one day of daycare a week at the moment, which is a Monday, and it is I mean, if you guys been following the podcast for a while, you might remember back when Marley started daycare. She was
a little bit older. I think Molly started daycare when she was around one year old.
And you had like a breakdown. You're like, I can't take her.
I remember, and I was like, you'll be fine, Laura, and drop the girl and daycare. I was like crying on the podcast because I had dropped her at daycare and I had just such guilt. It was so hard, and I think because she was one year old. She just knew a little bit more about what was happening around her, so she would stand there screaming and being like mummy, mummy, and then ah, just it's the worst.
Any mum who's had to go through taking their kid and adjusting to the first time in daycare knows exactly that feeling. But Lola has started daycare. Lola started two weeks ago. She's doing one day a week. And Lola started at two weeks old.
I couldn't wait to get her there.
I dropped her off. I didn't cry. It's very different with the second child. It's not surprising to me anymore. Why everyone says like that you have second child or middle child syndrome. But she's eight months. She's not ten months. She's eight months. Not only one day a week. She goes to the same daycare that Molly's at, so they're
together all the time. I didn't have the same level of guilt or fear or sadness that I had the first time round, obviously, because now I had this real connection with the daycare and the women who work there, and you know, I really trust them as carers. But it's just so different. Everything is so different. With the second kid, they're resilient.
You wait too, you have a third one should be straight out of the womb.
And then there's Molly. Molly she's a toddler, and toddler's find the most interesting and wild ways to offend you on the daily. So it started off start off with just her pointing at my forehead, just pointing, and then she would just hold her finger on like any little mark or imperfection, or when I say little mark or my malasma, she would like, draw a line around my pigmentation or my forehead.
You're like, yes, sweetheart, I know it's there.
Yeah, it's there. I can see. And then yesterday she was like, I want to do drawings. And I was like, what do you mean you want to do drawings? And she's like, on my face? And I was like, you can't do drawings on your face. Is eight am in the morning. You're going to daycare. And she was like, why does mommy have drawings on her face?
Is she talking about the malasma?
I know she's talking about my wrinkles. So now she's upset that she can't have drawings because Mommy drew on her face. That's why that's what they are anyway? Kids are kids are mean?
You're like because mummy hasn't had botox for a while.
Yeah, because all of the clinics have been closed. But I would love to know if anybody else out there were so many mums he slid into my dms. Please send us what absolutely wild stuff your toddlers have said to you. I live for this. I will share it with all the other mum listeners who listen to this podcast because I know that there is a few of us toddler's wild. The second kids are resilient, and I
cannot wait to see what the third one's going to be. Like, Well, what kid's going to be tough the third day?
It's not coming for a little while.
I love that I'm putting these restrictions. See, actually, that is really interesting.
I wanted to tell you about something, and I think maybe that you could pass this information onto Matt because I think that you're gonna need it. I was just reading something about Now, look, we know that the onus of contraception falls on women, like we've got the IUDs it's up to us to make the men put on the condom, because I never bloody want to. We have
to take the pill every day of our life. We get all the repercussions from it, and I feel like it's always just been expected that women, I don't want to say carry the burden, but I guess it is a burden to ensure that you don't feel pregnant if you don't want it. So we have the onus and the responsibility.
Well, I think there's also this perception, and I know where this is going, but there's always this perception that most men won't take control over their own contraception, or that men can't be trusted to take control. And maybe that maybe that is true in like a casual dating setting, but it's not necessarily true when you're in a committed relationship with your partner. Well, there is this new ground breaking research from a very young woman.
Her name is Rebecca Weis. She's an industrial design graduate from the University of Munich and she's just won this huge prize. It's basically, I guess, an invention prize where she gets funding to develop this IDEA long story short, she was on the pill for a long time and she got some she had like a perhaps mirror, and she got some questionable results that she might have you know, like there could be early signs of cervical cancer in there.
She's like, cool, I've seen these early signs. I don't want to be on the pill anymore. But then she was like, fuck, I don't want to fall pregnant either. She started to think about what options are available.
She's like, why is there not more onus? On the men?
Now I'm just like hands off to this woman. She's really taken things into her own hands. She has developed something called a testicle bath. Now a testicle bath is I mean, I feel like it has multiple and multiple uses, Like they actually get to bathe their testicles, which is great for them.
But what it does is it's like, and you guys should look it up.
It's like this little cup and the men would sit their testicles in it, and it has these ultrasound vibrations and now, like I don't know the science behind it, but what they've said is the ultrasound vibrations you put the balls in there and they disrupt. You don't feel anything, like, it's not painful, but it disrupts the sperm that is in the testicles, which means that the sperm are not active, so you cannot have a baby, so you only have
to bathe the testicle. Then you know that the sperm's not going to be active, you can just go and have sex. This is absolutely groundbreaking. But my question is do you do you trust that a man has done it? Because I feel like women are more trustworthy. I feel like a guy's like, hey, are you on the pill? She's like yeah, and she actually fucking is on the pill. But I feel like if you're like, hey, did you bathe your testicles four months ago, he was like, yeah, sure I bathed them.
Did you t bag yourself to contraception? Look, I mean I think that there's way too much assumptions made, Like I think that we bundled too many men into the same basket and say that no man would care. There are a lot of guys out there who don't want to have children. There are a lot of guys out there who aren't so irresponsible that if there was an option for a male contraception that they would just ignore it.
I think that there would be a vast, huge number of men who actually really don't want to have illegitimate children running around the world or you know, unplanned pregnancies. Like I think it affects both people. I know that Matt would use it. Like the problem that we have at the moment is I don't want to be on contraception.
I've been on contraception since I was fifteen years old, and after having Lola and then having Mali and everything your body goes through with pregnancy and hormones and breastfeeding, and then it just takes your body so long to get back to normal. And the option when you're breastfeeding is the mini pill, which is like a progesterone only pill. And I just kind of said, I don't want anything in or to be taken. I just don't want to
be on any contraception. So then we run the risk now of getting pregnant, which Brittany is sitting there like, lah, don't do it.
I'm buying you the testical bathroom look.
And you know what, like in our situation, like I trust Matt he would give his testicles a bath for me. It's like it's the smallest thing that some guy could do. When as a female, the onus is completely on us to not get pregnant, to then carry the children, to then rear the children, to then breastfeed the children, to.
Do everything for the rest of your existence.
I even think for us, and we've spoken about it, Matt and I, once we've finished having kids, he will probably go and get a vasectomy, and he sees that as not a big deal because I'm the one who's done everything up until this point. And he's like, I also don't want to have, you know, six kids, and he's like, I know, if I let it up to you, you'd probably would six kids.
I think the thing to note here is, well, firstly, Jordan and I haven't even had kids, and he's already said there's no way anyone's coming at his testicles with a needle for a visect me. He's like, I'm never going to have a versecony. So I think for people
like that, this is great. But the important thing to note in this is this is probably more suited to actual couples and long term partners because obviously, condoms are great for the fact that you are not going to fall pregnant unless they break, obviously, but secondly, they stop the transmission of STIs. So obviously the testical bath doesn't stop the transmission of STIs. And she has made it more She's like, look, I think more people that are going to use it are going to be the people
in relationships. They don't want to use condoms and they don't want to be on the pill, and they're trusting that their partner's bathing the testicles.
Well, I mean, every so often there seems to be the articles that pop back up on the internet which are all around the male contraceptive pill, And it seems like every year it kind of gets a new lease on life, like you'll see some chatter about it, but
nothing ever comes into fruition. So back in twenty sixteen, that's when they did some big clinical trials around the male contraceptive pill, and there was two hundred and fifty men who were participants in the pill, the actual pill, and the trials were pulled halfway through because of the side effects that men were receiving and experiencing whilst being on the pill. Now wait for it, ladies, if you're listening to this. The side effects included things like hormonal imbalancers,
mood altering imbalances, headaches. Basically everything that we experience or can experience when being on the contraceptive pill were the same things that males were experiencing. However, the trials were pulled because it was deemed that those side effects were too extreme for the positive outcomes that a male contraceptive pill would provide.
So basically, these men spent a month in the life of a woman's body and they couldn't handle it totally.
And I think it comes down to it comes down to this idea of like contraception has been revolutionary for women, Like for us, it has created It's allowed us to continue our lives in the workforce, It's allowed us to earn more money. It's allowed us to decide when we want to have children. It's lowered the number of teen pregnantcies. Contraception for women, even though it comes with huge side effects, has been life changing. And I guess the onus is that maybe it won't be so life changing for men
if women are already going to carry that burden. And there was one really interesting quote that I read. It was from this guy, Alan Pacey, who's a professor of andrology at the University of Sheffield, and he says, the development of a male contraceptive pill or injection has had a checkered history without very much success so far. Unfortunately, there has been very little pharmaceutical company interest in bringing
a male contraceptive pill to life. He then goes on to say the main reason for this, I suspect is more down to business rather than science totally.
The Australian Academy of Science came out and said the primary barrier in development of the male contraceptive pill is that pharmaceutical company is reluctant to invest in developing a product that they see low profit and high risk.
Now, I just want to really reiterate the.
Low profit there, because imagine if you only had to bay your testicles twice a year and that was it. Imagine the reduction in the cost of the people spending on the pill and other things like that. So, whilst this is very close, no men are actually using this yet, this is in the development phase. Should I feel like it's close and I feel like it's going to be life changing.
And as we said at the start, the huge responsibility falls on women. And I think that the reasoning behind this is so perfectly summed up in this little quote. Though men have an equal responsibility to prevent unwanted pregnancies, they don't share an equal responsibility in the consequences of those pregnancies. It just shows that without like that barrier shifting, then the real push for contraceptive pill for men is probably never going to change either.
But watch this space.
This is a very exciting time to be alive as a woman. This is what I think anyway. All right, let's get into the questions that we've chosen for today. Britt hit me with question number one.
Right, he oh, I am going to hear you.
This is a bit of a longer one, but this is I think something that everyone deals with.
Well, I know not everyone deals with.
But I think it's more common than not just wanting some relationship advice. My previous relationship was with a narcissist. It was pretty toxic, with cheating and some super super lows, but by god, the highs were high and they were addictive. It was such an intense relationship with what I now recognize as love bombing and a lot of other classic narcissistic traits. I would receive I'm talking one hundred messages and phone calls a day.
Girl, I have been there.
The attention in the thrill of it was so toxic. The sex was addictive. It did not end on good terms, and he left me for a woman that he had been cheating on me with. Yikes, Yeah, I know, But I have now met an absolutely incredible man.
He is everything that I want. He's someone that.
I really want to have a relationship with, a real, genuine love that has.
This constant calm to it. But coming from a previous relationship that was so toxic with rollercoaster of highs and lows, I just can't help feel almost and I hate to say it, but boredom in this relationship Is this normal after toxic relationship?
Because of the relationship itself.
Isn't boring, It's fun and we have passion. He makes me laugh so much, we literally laugh all the time. I have one hundred percent trust in him. I feel completely secure and completely adored. A little bit older than me, isn't into social media. He'd prefer to call me during the day instead of texting a hundred times. I missed the attention that my toxic X gave me, and I guess I'm just wondering, how does someone move on with the constant of a normal, healthy relationship after one of
these hectic, confusion, toxic relationships. How do I know if it's boredom or if it's right.
That was a long one, but I feel like it was all like, I feel like we needed.
All those parts to the question.
There was a lot of parts. Where do we start? How do we unpack this? Therapy is always a good place to start.
Yeah, here's the number for a relationship rams No, I think that, I mean, this is normal. What your feeling is so normal, Like it is when you're in a toxic relationship, those feelings of highs and lows, they are addictive and like you.
Use the word addictive the feeling.
People cough often mistake these feelings for passion, and I think that that's a really really good word. They think that the fights and the abuse and the yelling and the love bombing, that it's passion and there's so much love and intensity in the relationship, but really it is super super unhealthy.
Well, we've done a whole episode on like dating a narcissist, and I know, Britt, you have experienced it, and I have experienced it, and anybody who's listening to this that's experienced when you're dating someone and you're constantly texting all the time, but the relationship itself is kind of unhealthy and you're receiving like it sounds crazy to receive a hundred text messages a day, but it happens, you know, Like, I think so many of us have had relationships where
you are just so intertwined in each other's lives, especially at that beginning part, that love bombing stage. That is what makes it so addictive. And then when you don't have that at all anymore, it's so normal to miss it. It's so normal to feel like, wow, what do I
do with myself? Because for the longest time, or for however long you were dating that guy, the moments that you had on your own, the moments where you would just sit at a cafe or you would be at work but not necessarily engaged with what's happening, You would be texting, you would have something else to occupy you. And now all of a sudden, that is completely gone. I guess one of the big things is is like, don't be so hard on yourself if you're someone who's
experiencing this. If you're in a good relationship and you can identify that it's a good relationship, but you also can identify that you were in a toxic relationship, don't be so hard on yourself that there are elements of it that you miss or that you still think about, because it takes a really long time to break down those bonds and to break down those sort of neurological pathways that bind you to that person, and that trauma
in itself is addictive. Drama, the fucking drama. It's so addictive. And I think sometimes when you can go from really drama filled relationships where you had that intensity to having super lows but the super highs, when you get into a normal relationship, you're like, oh, is this it forever? Even sometimes I know of people who will pick fights
because they're so used to having the drama. But I think the good thing in this, and the good thing with the person who's asked the question, is the fact that you can identify, You can say this is good, and I know it's normal, and I know that it's a healthy relationship, and I know the one that I came from wasn't. I think in time, the fond memories around the toxic relationship, the feelings of attachment to that relationship will subside. And I know it's that annoying saying
that time heals all, but it really really does. You're not going to feel like this forever.
This guy honestly sounds like a real catch. He sounds very normal, He sounds very loving.
I thought you meant the other guy. Yeah, like of catch cheating on you and then leaving you for someoney, cheated on you for still chasing those red flags. Amazing guy.
No, the new guy, he sounds like a unicorn. He sounds very, very normal. And you've said.
One thing that's jumped out at me is you said he the problem is he's a bit older than me and he doesn't really like social media. I mean, bingo, How great is that you've said that you trust him, which is the number one thing in a relationship, especially when you come from a relationship full of cheating and lies. I think the one thing that I want to drive home in this is a relationship shouldn't be boring.
Now you've used the word boring. It shouldn't be boring when you're together. You shouldn't be bored. You shouldn't be thinking of someone else. You shouldn't be like, oh, like, is this really the person I want to be with? We have nothing in common.
If it's only boring because you're not having the arguments and the fights and you're not having the anxiety on if they're cheating on you, then yeah, like you need to move past that and just really embrace this new relationship. But if it's if you're physically hanging out and you're like, oh, I'm fucking bored, then the relationship is not for you.
So you need to make it doesn't matter how nice the guy is, it's just not the guy.
If he's like a wet cardboard box, and yeah, you need to get out of it. So you figure out the reason that you're bored when you're together. If it's amazing, you need to realize this is absolutely normal and this is the sort of relationship.
You want for long term.
Absolutely But I think so many of us when you've gone from this toxicity, and I speak for myself, but I think that other people would have experienced this as well. It's not that new relationships that are stable and healthy or boring. Like you've said, you become addicted to the intensity, and you also become addicted to the self validation or
like having somebody who promises the world. Because the thing is is when you're in narcissistic relationships, the grandiose promises, the big like almost fantastical promises of what your future is going to be is so beautiful, And it's that that we kind of get sucked into. We get sucked into the fantasy of what the relationship could be, and we believe it. We buy in. We fully subscribe to what the relationship potential, but not to what the relationship
actually is. So when you sit there and you unpack what it is that you have now in a very normal, stable relationship, it doesn't have the fantastical element to it. It doesn't have the grandiosity that you know a toxic relationship has. And that's because it's normal, it's reliable, it's stable. And I do think that sometimes our memories shift and the way that we perceive past relationships, it can kind
of mislead us and betray us a little bit. Like we remember the good times, we don't necessarily remember all the bad times, and our memory says, oh, like, it wasn't that bit so nice, And then we can kind of get taken down the garden path rehab and reliving and remembering the parts of a relationship that we loved without actually fully realizing that there was some fundamental reasons why we left that relationship. I think in totality, it's
okay to feel the feelings that you feel. It's okay to sometimes miss your toxic X, but it's really important to identify why you're not fucking with them anymore.
Yeah, one hundred percent.
It's so easy for us to forget every shit thing that happened, and we hold onto those little great moments so that that are like a fantasy. They're like a fairy tale, but they're not real. Your brain doesn't remember those moments accurately, So I think that's super important to remember. And the last thing is and I promise this is the last thing. In addition, and another thing, I feel like just because the more you talk, the more you think back, you think deeper into the question, and the
more you associate it back to your own relationship. And then you're like, fuck, I want to put that point in two good, so good totally.
It's like we're playing a game of chicken.
Though, okay, we will finish it.
This.
In addition, you said you're bored, but it takes two to tango. And I can't stress this enough. We talk about this all the time, but you're in this relationship too you're in control of what this relationship is and what you guys do and bring to the table. If you think that it's a bit boring, ask yourself, what have you done? What have you done to help the situation. There's no reason you can't spice things up. There's no
reason you can't make things more exciting. You've said that your current amazing boyfriend doesn't really text you much during the day and it just gets a call and you miss that. Send him a send him a sexy photo throughout the day, do something like that where he's a he's not used to it. It's going to throw him off, but he's going to be like, holy shit, this is exciting. No men ever, no man ever.
Is going to hate receiving a sexy text message in the day, like it's just not a thing.
So I think it's really important you know that.
I send really sexy text messages to Matt, like, hey, can you make sure you take the washing out and put it on the line. Oh, what time did Leela go to bed?
I tried to send one yesterday. Why I didn't try, I did it.
I sent a sexy text because we're back to long distance now. I sent a sexy text and I got a text back that was like I think it said, hey sexy, sorry, really busy right now. And I was like, cute, that just like didn't land well.
I was like, yeah, I love that. I was like, I'm about to go on the court or something. He's about to play match, and I'm like, yeah, that just wasn't didn't have the effect I thought would.
Also, I love that your advice was just like, hey, send us sexy text message. It's never not met with great response, and you're like, ohway someone yesterday and Jordan was like, I'm too busy for you and you're a bikini shoan.
I got heaps of hard eyes back. He's obviously I think he was about to walk on the courts. He gave me heaps of hard eyes. Then he's like, I'm sorry that I'm not going to sexy back right now. I don't have time to go tea bag myself.
Anyway. Okay, let's get into question number two. So question number two is a little bit more lighthearted, and I'm really interested to hear what you would do in this situation. Brand the listener's wedding was put on hold and has been on hold for a little while and now because COVID's lifted and they're getting back to the planning, and she was texting one of her girlfriends about the wedding
and they were talking about what to wear. Basically, her girlfriend has sent her a photo of the dress that she has bought to wear to the wedding. So she's already she purchased this dress. She purchased it a while ago, and she was like, I can't wait, don't worry, I've already got my dress, and she sent the girl who's
one of our listeners a photo of her dress. Now, the problem is the dress is super revealing, really inappropriate for a wedding, or so the person who wrote in believes super inappropriate for a wedding, And she's like, what the fuck do I do? Can I tell my friend that I don't want her to wear that to the wedding? Do I just suck it up and let my friend show up in a really revealing dress. Basically, the way she described it is, you know those see through esque dresses.
I'm guessing it's like a lace or a mesh or something, and then you wear like a thick panty underneath it, like a note. So a thick panty and a more abra lett underneath it. So it's a very nude silhouette. But the actual dress that goes over the top, it's not revealing in length, it's just revealing because it's very very see through. It's super sheer. Yeah. I know the exact dress that you're talking about, and it's very fashion at the Martian. But this girl is like, it's not
appropriate for my wedding. Da da da da, What do we do?
Straight up?
There is like for me, I think there's definitely a level of dress code for a wedding, whether someone says there's a dress code or not. You know that you don't wear a sea three dress to your wedding. Like, straight up, if you're listening and you're thinking of wearing a sea through dress to someone's wedding, I'm gonna call you out. Just don't do it. Just put some clothes on. You don't turn up naked into a wedding. Secondly, I think that having said that, this is so fucking tricky.
I don't think you can I don't think you can tell a wedding guest that they can't wear something because they're gonna look sexier. Than you, Like, I don't think you can say that. I think it's a really awkward situation. But I always think you're just gonna have to let her do a thing, and in all honesty, it's not going to reflect on you. Like if somebody wears that
to a wedding, it's gonna reflect on them. The only thing that people are gonna be saying is not I can't believe she's out on the bride because she's.
Not gonna out shine you. It's your day.
But they're gonna be the saying, well, can't believe someone came to the wedding naked.
That's what the conversation's gonna be about.
Look, I'm I'm into cams. One part of me is like you do you if you want to tell someone that they can't wear it, go ahead tell them? Will that turn out badly? Potentially? Potentially? Maybe if it's a really good friend, you can say like, oh, actually, the dress code is a little bit more formal. That I
think is a totally fine thing. Like you can definitely if you've got a dress code for weddings most people do, if it says formal on it, you can say, oh, actually, I feel like the dress code is a bit more formal than that, and I think nobody wants to show up at a wedding and not be dressed appropriately. So if you did say.
Except for the girl that's wearing the seat through dressed in the wedding, that.
Maybe she doesn't realize, maybe she doesn't know what the wedding dress code is, or maybe if you haven't been too many you might be confused by what isn't isn't an acceptable dress code.
I disagree with that, though. I think everyone knows, like you're not an idiot. Everyone knows that, whether you've been to a wedding or not, you don't go half naked.
Like I think that that's standard. You cannot say I think it's standard.
You cannot no, because literally, there is someone out there who's written this question. Because I don't think her friend is intentionally being like, yeah, fuck it, I'm gonna show at this wedding and be super nude and everyone's gonna look at me. I think she just thinks it's a beautiful dress and doesn't even she She clearly does not think that the bride's gonna have an issue with it. So as much as we can see here, and say, oh, it's everyone should know what to wear to a wedding.
Not everyone does. I mean I know that there's been instances like cocktail parties, and I've been like, what do I wear? What's a cocktail dress? What constitutes each of these categories? What's you know, smart casual? I don't know. I literally just live in baggy jeans and a T shirt all the time.
I agree with that because I often don't know what to wear too, Like I one hundred percent, I'm agreeing with you. And my thing is just like I just feel like, at a base level, if you had to write yourself a list of what probably isn't acceptable for a wedding, I feel like a see through dress is one of the things that would go on the list.
And like that's just me.
When I say this for myself who's also getting married next year, make a choice, or ask yourself a question, will your friend showing up in this affect your day? Like will you have a worse day because your friend wears this? Or will it be a situation where she shows up and you're like, oh, it's that goddamn dress. Whatever? You know, but if your day, your wedding day, will be adversely affected and you won't be able to think
about anything else. If you're going to be so mad, if you're going to be so upset because your friend rocked up in a see through dress, if that's how you're going to feel, then say something. But if you can actually look at it impartially and go, oh, look, I'd prefer her to wear something else, but it's not going to impact my day. I'm not going to let something like somebody else's dress affect what should be the best day of my life, then don't worry about it.
I think pick your battles in this sort of situation. And you know, I don't think that she's doing it intentionally, And I do agree with what you said, Britt. I think sometimes there's so much ononus on the bride wanting the day to be solely about them, and it is a day that should be solely about the bride. You've paid for it, you've invited your friends, you've put on this party. It's your big one day to be the most important person there. But I truly think it doesn't
really matter what anyone does. You will always be the most important person there. And so long as you're having a good time, and because you're focused on the things that you want out of the day. I don't really think that it matters what somebody else wears. That's why I see it. But I'm happy to be wrong.
No, no one's wrong. This is the thing.
No one's wrong. Everything he just says right, and I agree with it. Like, whilst I'm talking about what I think is appropriate for a wedding and that a sea through dress does not constitute that, I still probably wouldn't tell the girl if it was my friends.
Like, whilst I think that it's not appropriate, I still don't think I would have the conversation because I think I would just try and not let it bother me on the day. She obviously isn't being malicious, like you said, Like, no friend is going to want to do something that's
going to hurt your feelings. But if you are looking for like some sort of solution, something that I would suggest is that if you do have a group of friends, like you are all friends, if you don't want it to come from you, so that there's this big argument and then she feels awkward and then it causes a rift because ultimately, like feelings will be hurt if you have the conversation, even if you don't mean to, like, someone's going to get a little bit offended.
What you could do is like talk to the other group.
Of friends and maybe they could all have a conversation amongst each other, asking what each other's wearing, and if she shows the dress or talks about it, the other friends could be like, oh, I don't know if you could wear that to a wedding, because I would do that with my friends. If my friends showed me a dress for a wedding, I'd be like, that is a
little bit too sexy for the wedding. Like I feel like when it's on that level and you are removed from the situation and it's just a group of friends talking about what they think they should wear, I think it's a bit different. So maybe you could approach it in that sense.
So what Brita's saying is make your friends shame your other friend about what they want.
To make your friends do the dirty work.
You don't shame her, but make everybody else shame her so that she's ostracized from the group for her terrible fashion choices. No, Okay, the one thing I disagree with you on this Brett is the fact that I actually think that weddings these days, the dress code is so fluid. I don't think that there is one set thing that we can say, oh that isn't isn't appropriate. Weddings are
vastly different for every single person. Now. Some people have more traditional weddings, some people have more black tie weddings. Some people have more like parties or beach weddings, where something like a more sheer dress is completely completely appropriate. So I think it really just depends on the type of wedding that you're having. And I know that there are probably people who are listening to this who have worn sheer things to weddings and it was completely fine
and completely appropriate. I think it comes down to the dress code, and it comes down to what has been communicated on the invitation. That's where I think, you know, people can go a bit wrong with this.
Yeah, And of course, weddings, like one hundred percent, weddings are subjective. Every single wedding is different. It suits, It's what suits the couple that is planning the wedding. It definitely depends on location and things like that. And I have seen brides that have worn sheer dresses, like, absolutely that is a thing. But ultimately this comes down to what you as the bride, as a person as a friend are comfortable with.
Like, so Laurik and I can give you our opinions. Two A cows come home.
You know.
My opinion is that I don't think those new dresses where you just wear the underwear should be at a wedding. If you've worn and you've probably known that that's okay for your wedding, and that is absolutely fine. Ultimately this comes down to you, the person that wrote the question in and how you feel like you'll get through the day with this girl in the dress, and if you want her to or not, and then you need to decide if it is worth having the conversation you can
think you can get through the day. I would just do it because I would just not want to cause that rift.
I would not care if you were a new dress to my wedding. So you honestly wouldn't care if I turned up in like just a lace Bryan undies with like a sheer overthing, like a sheer address. I would not care if you turned up in a bikini to my wedding. I could not care less, couldn't care. I would find the daily mail articles thoroughly entertaining. I couldn't care. I honestly just think. I think that the wedding, regardless of what anybody else does or is wearing, is so
much about the bride and groom. It's so much about the happy day of the couple that for me, if a guest rocked up wearing something that I didn't like, even if it's something I was a bit like, oh that's interesting, it would not affect my day. That's the big take home message. Yeah, and I agree, which is why I'm saying I wouldn't say anything. That's why we know, Laura, you wouldn't say anything. So ultimately, girl, you've just got to make this big decision on your own. I can't
wait to see the bikini that you wed a my wedding. Okay, question number three.
I'm gonna pick it out now.
Question number three actually is another wedding based question. I have had quite a rocky friendship with one of my friends who is in my bridal party. The reason is the current guy that she's dating is someone I don't really mess with. I know she plans on being with him long term, but my fiance and I don't hang out with him much as a couple. We were talking about people on our guest list, and I don't know if we want to include her boyfriend given that she's
in the bridal party. We don't know how she's gonna take this. Do I invite him anyway, even though we don't get along that well, for the sake of our friendship, or do I just be honest with her and not invite him. I do feel like this will affect our friendship even more though if I don't invite him.
Help.
This is such a good topic. We're gonna do a Tuesday episode on this. How do you manage your friendships and your relationships when you hate your friend's partner? That is like, we're gonna do it. We're gonna do it. It's happening.
I think we also need to do a whole wedding nep too.
Yeah, maybe we should do a wedding app Like, when it gets closer to me actually having a wedding.
Well wait till you get married. So maybe in twenty twenty seven.
Yeah, after I've had five more children, Well wait.
Till I get married in twenty thirty.
I reckon, I'm gonna be pregnant at my wedding. That's what's gonna happen.
Now, Okay, what do you think does she vine?
When does she not look?
I think this is such a tricky one, but yeah, you're absolutely not wrong. If you don't invite him, it will hugely affect your relationship and your friendship because the thing is, and look, we don't know whether he's done something wrong. We don't know if there's like an ultimately big reason why you don't like him. And if there is a big reason why you don't like him, then
I think that that's a different conversation. But if it's just because you guys don't really get along, maybe you don't like his political views, maybe he's just a bit of an ass, whatever it is, I think there comes a point where if you don't choose to invite him to your wedding, you're essentially saying to her, we don't want someone who you love, who is a fundamental part
of your life to be a part of ours. And that's a really huge divisive line in the sand when it comes to weddings and relationships, and it may mean that she has to make a choice because for her it's going to be, well, how can I be friends with someone who ultimately hates the person that I want to spend my life with? And that may drive a wedge in the friendship. It may also mean that you guys are no longer friends, or she chooses not to
come to the wedding at all. She may turn around and say, well, if you don't want him there, I don't really want to come either, because that's a big conversation that she's going to then have to go and have with him and to explain to him why he's not invited. I think there's levels to this. I'm sure that there's lots of people who are listening who experienced this.
I think unless there is a big reason or unless there's been some conversations around why you don't like your friend's partner, you can't just not invite them to the wedding. I think it's pretty disrespectful and it's pretty definitive. But if you have in the past express reasons why you don't like them, if there is conflict, or if there is the possibility that his behavior is going to ruin your day, like if he is a bad drunk, if
he's someone who can't be trusted in social settings. If you think that there is the possibility that he's going to ruin your wedding day, absolutely do not invite him. Like it's your wedding day and at the end of it, you need to be the one who is happy in enjoying yourself, not worried about a person that you've invited who you didn't really want there in the first place.
Yeah, and I don't like in all.
Honestly, I don't have a whole lot to add to that. And I don't want to repeat anything you've said, because I agree with everything. I will add something what you're said in this is it makes it sound like nothing has actually really happened.
You've just said.
Myself and my partner don't really hang out much with them as a couple, so we don't really know them a lot, Like we don't have that bond. And I just thought, okay, if that was me, which this actually
would have happened because of my situation with Jordan. Laura, while she'll talk to him like and Matt, whilst you guys have met him a few times, you talk to him on Skype and things like that, you haven't had that time with him, like you haven't physically, you're not best friends, you haven't had a chance to spend that time.
Together as couples.
I barely know the guy exactly if you, which is crazy because we'll we together a year and you'll be like, hey, we'll just meet for like the third time.
But if you invited me to the wedding and Jordan was here and you didn't invite Jordan, I would one hundred percent still come to the wedding, but there'd be a part of me that was really disappointed in the fact that you didn't recognize that this person is so important to me and they're in my life long term, and that I you know that, I feel like you don't respect the love and the couple, like the fact that we're together. So I wouldn't not come to your wedding,
but there would definitely be a feeling of disappointment. And I wouldn't be holding it against you because it is your day. But you need to know that it is going to affect your friendship to some degree if you don't invite him.
Yeah, there's a huge level of invalidation. I've shared this story partly on this podcast before, but I will share it now for anyone who doesn't know it. I had a big friendship breakup with an over my very very toxic ex. So my best friend throughout all of high school, who had been my best friend through my twenties. I was her maid of honor, and it was at the same time that I had gotten into the relationship with
my very toxic ex boyfriend. She could see things that I couldn't see, and I was blindly in love with him, and like the very first person who wrote in, I was addicted to our relationship and I was addicted to him, and he had really tried to separate me from my friends and isolate our relationship. And she had said we don't want him at the wedding. That was such a big thing for me. It was so invalidating of my relationship, and it created such a rift between me and him.
We thought about it, and so it was easier for me to say, Okay, I'm not going to come to the wedding then, instead of having to fight in my relationship that I wasn't ready to leave because I was desperately in love with him. So in order to not fight with him, I chose not to go to the wedding. I chose not to be the bridesmaid, and effectively that friendship has dissolved now. And look, do I have regrets about that. Absolutely, Like I wish that we were still friends.
I wish that I had learnt those lessons earlier, but I wasn't ready yet and I needed to live that life and I needed to live that relationship and experience to be able to have a really healthy and great relationship now. So I get it. I totally understand why my friend didn't invite him. But this is why I say, you know, if you choose not to invite your friend's partner, it could have a profound impact on your friendship. And I guess the big thing with my friend was that
she had made that decision. She was ready to let go of our friendship because of how toxic my relationship was, and it was impacting everything in my life. It wasn't just impacting my relationship, it was impacting my friendships hugely.
And she is in the bridal party as well, just to reiterate that. So I think my advice to you is, if you don't detest him, invite the guy. You don't have to talk to him. You don't have to hang out with him, you don't have to have a solo single dance with him. He's there for her.
You probably won't even notice him, and I think it will save you a lot of heartache in the future.
So that is it, guys. There are three questions.
I'm on four percent batteries, so we're gonna wrap. If this dazzle up, razzle dazzle, and get on with the day. Thank you to everybody who is sent in questions for Ask on Cut. If you have a question that you want to add to the mix, you know the drill, slide on into our dms at Life on Cut Podcasts just right at the top Ask on Cut. We also love receiving your accidentally unfiltered stories, your confessionals. Honestly, just message us with what's happening your day. We love hearing
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