This is gonna be a fucking disaster.
Why are you laughing?
Hi, guys, and welcome back to another episode of Life Uncut. This is our very special Asked Uncut edition where we answer your deep, dark and burning questions. And today, well it's even more special. And that's because poor old Brittany is away on holidays, a very very well deserved holiday, but she's left me with no other option here.
He is what an intro.
Welcome to the podcast once again. Maddie Jay, my darling fiance, the love of my life, my soulmate. Just can't escape, you can't.
I what's kind of nice because you're saying that's also very special because Maddy Ja was here and then you kind of stop yourself and you're like, there was literally nobody else available. I always it was either I record this by myself or I pull in Maddi J.
I woke up to your morning breath this morning, So ah, a little bit more of you I can handle. Although I did say on the last episode guys, that I've reached the point in this pregnancy where I just want to be naked all the time. So the really exciting part about this and the part that I'm very happy about is that I'm not wearing any underwear at all, and it doesn't matter because Brittany's not here to be offended.
Well, hang on a second. You can't say that to me now, because we've just had someone pick up Marley for an hour and I was thinking to myself, we could do an episode of the podcast, or we're going to have a bit of cuddle time, if you know what I mean.
Okay, here we are. This is what we do in our spare time. Guys, this is four play.
Don't have sex. We just do podcasts. Hey, before we go into these questions, I did see an article yesterday which I'm going to say is my favorite article of the year. So we're going to travel all the way over to Europe. There's a Hungarian politician and he is ultra conservative. He's very right wing, and he's actually been responsible for spearheading some of the rules and laws regarding same sex marriage and he doesn't want it to proceed.
I like that you read this yesterday, but you've banked this specifically to help me on the podcast.
Okay, So this guy's politician, very right wing. He's been very vocal and being against any legislation that gives equal rights to the LGBTQY plus community, so very very vocal. Now over the weekend, he has just been found in a little orgy.
Oh, I mean what do you do in your spare time? I mean, yeah, like a little orgy between friends, right, but not just.
Not just three four, not just eight. Twenty five men Laura Brn in this orgy. And do you know what makes this even worse?
Well, I mean it's not bad at the moment. I think this is quite a happening a hell of a time.
Well, it's the fact that obviously in Europe right now, they are going through really.
Strict particularly UNCOVID safe.
Exactly exactly, so they're in lockdown. There's restrictions on how many people you're going to have your orgy or your households.
They're handing out sair hand sanitizer as people will come in, don't forget to sanitize, and please make sure that you put on your gloves and your conducts.
So he so he's gone to this orgy twenty five people. The neighbor next door has obviously he heard a bit of a racket going on and thought this is not good, you know, this was COVID lockdown. These guys are breaching the rules. I'm going to call the police. So the police have come to this apartment and they've knocked on the door, and then you know, one of the people at the orgie has heard the door, going, don't worry, guys,
I'll go get this. I don't know who it could because there's twenty five of us and that's everyone here at the orgy, but anyway, I'll go answer. It opens the door. Police officers, men in uniforms standing in the doorway, and the guy goes, great, come on in, and they don't realize that the police officers are actually real policemen. They think that it's just like part of the orgy. So they're like, great, welcome, take a seat, make yourself comfortable,
take your pants off. And the police are like, all right, get against the wall right now, and they're like, yeah, we will put your hands behind your backs. Oh I like it naughty, And so it took them a while to realize that they were at real police. It wasn't until one of them tried to take the pants of a police officer off that they then kind of came to And anyway, in the midst of all this, they then realized that one of the men of the twenty five was a politician, so he has now resigned.
Right, Well, there you go. That was a big story to break. I just I really wasn't prepared for this. This is pre coffee. There was a lot. It escalated and here we are.
Look, there's nothing like a little Orgie store are in the morning to get your perked out for the day.
It really gets you warmed up, doesn't it. Okay, Well, guys, I put it out to you to send us your questions. I mean, I don't have any that Augie related, but I do, funnily enough, have one that is stripper related for you, mattew Jay so, and I'm actually interested in this because I wonder if we have conflicting views on this as well. It's nice to have Matt on the podcast because he gives a male perspective. And although Britt and I may be unqualified but extremely enthusiastic about our advice,
Matt's also unqualified. So we're just keeping it nice and consistent.
You keep giving me compliments at start off nice and end going the other way. This is exactly like our relationship.
That's terrible. Okay, strippers, what do we got therapy session for the two of us that you will get to listen to? All Right, So this listener has written in and said that her boyfriend of seven months is about to go to a Bucks party. However, she knows that there's going to be strippers there, and there's going to be topless waitresses there, and it's making her feel really, really uncomfortable, and she's really against strippers in general. What
can she do? Should she put rules in place in order for him to be able to go, should she tell him he's not allowed to go? What do you think is an acceptable course of action for her? When she feels so insecure about him going to a Bucks party where there are strippers?
I wonder if something's happened previously which is causing her to feel so nervous about the situation. Like, I think everyone is pretty similar. I would assume that you know, when you have a Hen's Night or a Bucks party, one of the first things you organize after alcohol is a stripper. It's just kind of what happens, right, Yeah,
But what's your opinion? Guess this is the question? Right, Like, is there a difference between having a stripper and going to like a strip club or having a stripper come to a party, versus it being a special occasion like a Bucks or a Hens, because I kind of separate them and think that they're kind of different. I think if you were going to the strippers every single weekend,
that would definitely make you feel really uncomfortable then. And I think if you are just going as a one off to a Bucks party where there will be strippers, I don't see it as being a major issue. But I think it's unique that she feels like she needs to put barriers in place, because I don't think the rules change at all from whether obviously you are seeing
somebody who is undressing. But you know, I don't think you would have to say to your partner, hey, just a reminder you can't touch them, Hey, just a reminder you know, you can't be in a room together privately with nobody else. I think those kind of rules and barriers are just expected given that you're in a relationship, right, Yeah, well.
I think exactly that. But I do think it's interesting that there is this like social acceptance around bus parties and Hen's parties and like that's okay, Like we kind of give that as a whole pass. And like, speaking from like you and I, like, if you were to say that you're going to go to a Bucks party, I would be cool with it because I would assume
that there are strippers there. But exactly like you said, I don't feel like I need to put boundaries and parameters in place and say, hey, don't touch that dripper. Hey make sure you don't get a lap dance, because I think that that is assumed, like that's a normal rule that we would have in our relationship. Like I would be really upset if you went out and some chick gave you a love dance, So I'd be really upset if you did that at a Bucks party. I would I would not tell you what you can and
can't do. I would trust you enough that you wouldn't do those things.
But if you that's like ah, But I can imagine for somebody in a relationship where there is some potential trust issues, that environment is really dangerous. You've got alcohol, you know, you've got potential privacy. If it's at a house or apartment, you know it has all the ingredients for something bad to happen. So I can understand that she would be really concerned about that situation if the relationship isn't in a good place.
Yeah, And I think it's interesting as well, like this conversation around like putting rules and boundaries in place, Like I think that that obviously you have conversations about what isn't isn't acceptable in a relationship. But the only time that I've ever been in a relationship where I've had to put rules and boundaries in place like per se is when I've been cheated on, and then after that we've sat down and I've said, Okay, this is stuff
that is not acceptable to me. So if you've been cheated on in the past and you're trying to rebuild that trust that takes a really long time to rebuild, then maybe that's a reason to turn around and say, Okay, I don't want you going to a Bucks party where there's going to be strippers, because there are some consequences to actions, and unfortunately, maybe that is one of them which is going to help her rebuild her ability to
trust again. But if he hasn't ever done anything that's actually made you question his intentions or question his trust, then I do think that, like unfortunately, a Bucks party or a Hen's party is kind of a hall pass in this because imagine if you had your best friend's wedding and there was going to be a stripper there, and your partner said you can't go, Like if the tables were turned in that environment, and like it's very often that you know, we go to Hen's parties and
there's a stripper. I think the problem is is that the strippers that come to Hen's part it's usually comical, and when there's strippers involved with guys, it's not necessarily it doesn't have that comic element. It's definitely more sexual, and I think that that's why women feel and can feel more insecure than men do when there's a stripper present.
Why do you think it's more sexual at a men's party? What's it? How do you differentiate between a male stripper and a female stripper?
Because I feel like every single time I've been to a Hen's party, and maybe I'm just being totally stereotyping here, but every time I've been to a Hen's party where there's been a male stripper, it's usually like the bride is trying to get away from the stripper. There's lots of like everyone's pissing themselves laughing. It's a lot of comical elements to the actual show itself.
Laura, that's just like a Bucks party. It's it's always the guy going, oh, no, touch me, get those boobs out of my face. Somebody help me please. That's what happens at our party.
Oh you so tortch it are you? Poor soul? I can only imagine it must be really awful having perky boot staring into your pupils. I remember when my nipples used to stare into people's pupils, so now they stare at the floor.
Well, it's actually quite anxiety inducing, I think, having the nipples in your face. I remember I was I was eighteen, and I was in Europe. I just had my birthday and I was with the mate. We were backpacking around Europe, and I thought, I'm now going to go to a strip club because I'm legal. And I think we were. I think we were like in Berlin, I'm going to say Germany.
Were you in Hungary? At a twenty five?
I went to this strip club and I was so nervous. I'd never been to a strip club before. And I sat down and I was like, hi, and you know, I was like trying to give her a smile, make her feel comfortable as well, and she could tell that I was really really nervous. And she was wearing a G string bottom, no top, and she had some money in a G string and I didn't I didn't know the protocol for you know, like do you just offer
the money? And you know, that's what I did. I literally just like leant over and I had some money and she kind of gestured to put it in a G string and I was like no, no, no, no, no, no no, this is too much, like it just just taken. She was like no, please, like in the G string. And obviously we couldn't communicate because music in the club. And then I had to like quickly pull a G string and then like tuck the money in. And then as soon as I did that, I was like, well
that's it, job done, strip club is finished. Tick that box, let's get out of here. And that was my first experience at a strip club.
When I was eighteen, I used to go to the strip clubs. This is okay, this was just over sharing for you guys, but I used to go to the strip clubs when I was eighteen, nineteen twenty, because as a female, you would go there kind of early and you would get free drinks. So there was this strip club in the Cross called Butterbing, and I'd go there with all my girlfriends and we'd go there and we'd get primed for the night, have a few drinks free on the strip club, and then we'd leave and we'd
go out. This one night, I got very, very drunk prior to going to the strip club, and then we ended up the strip club.
And I feel like you're about to tell me that you started dancing.
No, I did it. I did something worse. There was a girl on stage who was dancing, and I pulled my dress up over my head and screamed, I can do it better than you.
Wow.
And then I got picked up by the security guard, carried downstairs with my dress still over my head, and I got put on my ass on King's Cross Street and I got banned from the strip clubs. That's the story about the last time I went to a strip club.
Wow.
I was nineteen. I was wild back in the day. And then you found me on a reality TV show. Out of all the women you could have met in Australia, and this is the one you ended up with.
What a catch, my baby mama, the mother of your children.
Goodness me, that didn't even get a chuckle out of you. You're like so disappointed in your face.
I'm literally I'm imagining right now how I would have reacted if I was there and I'd seen you do that. I'd be like, Laura, how dare you repulsed?
You definitely wouldn't have.
Ended up dating me disappointed?
So what did we get to in a conclusion for that one?
At the end of the day, this all comes down to trust. I think it's definitely a situation which will make you feel uncomfortable. But I think you can explain that to him. But I don't think you can go down the route of asking him not to attend. I think that would be far more dangerous.
Yeah, I definitely agree. I think that there has to be a huge element of trust that happens here. I don't think it's healthy in a relationship to tell someone what they can and can't do as a mandatory, Like, I don't think that you should give someone the altimatum saying like you know you can't do this, you can't go to this. I won't allow it because I do think that that breeds a lot of resentment within relationships.
But I do think it's very important to have a conversation with him before he goes about why this is making you so uncomfortable and about the things he can do to minimize that discomfort. Maybe he needs to like text and check in or something, or maybe it will just make him more aware and his behavior will change slightly, because you know, at the end of the day, he loves you, he respects you, and he doesn't want you to feel that way. However, is he going to boycott his friends Bucks party?
Probably not, absolutely not.
So the very last thing I want to say on this is that regardless of whether he's at a Bucks party where there strippers or not, if you're with somebody who isn't treating you the right way or is going to cheat on you, it doesn't matter the environment, they will still do that. And I think that you know, if you can't trust him to go to a Bucks party where there's going to be a stripper, then you probably can't trust him to go out to a nightclub
where there's other girls as well. So I think check whether this is an insecurity that you feel, or whether this is actually a legitimate issue because of his behavior and the things he's done in the past, and that's sort of where you need to unpack this.
From and failing that, you can just go to the Bucks party with him.
Okay. Question number two, Mattie J Is going to read this one for y'all. Okay, it is I think this one was specifically written in for us.
Yeah, this is very relevant for us. The question is do you always find each other attractive or other days where you ain't feeling it?
Shall we answer this on the count of three? Okay, one, two, three? No, No, okay, I'm really.
I mean there are certain moments when you know, I'll walk past the bathroom and the door's open and you're doing a number two.
Excuse me. I don't leave the door open when I'm doing a number two.
And you do, Actually you do, and I think, God, that's my girl.
Only if you I don't trust that you have an eye on Marley and I'm trying to keep an ear out, which is often, which is sometimes, But anyway, no, okay, I think that it's important to kind of separate these things.
And I just say I always love you.
I always love you too, honey, but.
I don't always like you.
If you know what I mean, I know exactly what you mean. I always find you attractive, like I don't find you less attractive. But there are days when old times. I shouldn't say there are days, but there are times when I'm not attracted to you. And I think of attraction in the same way that I think of happiness, or I think of sadness, or I think of any other emotion that you feel like attraction is this overwhelming feeling of being like I want to be with you
right now, and that can't be a constant. Nothing in life is a constant. Everything has ebbs and flows. And I think the more time that you spend with someone, the more comfortable you feel with them, the more that like, Yes, absolutely, there are times where I'm super attracted to you, and then there are times where I'm less attracted to you. Actually, there's probably times where I'm super frustrated about things that you've done and we fight.
And I don't be ridiculous, Laura.
In the middle of a fight, I'm not thinking, Fuck, this man's so attractive. In the middle of an argument, I'm thinking do I hate you? Is this hate? Do I? Actually no, I don't hate you. That's right. I love you. I need to remind myself, but I'll find you attractive again tomorrow, but now is not the time.
Yeah, I think there's certain times. And I know that the last few weeks have been pretty hard with Marley because she's been a little bit on well and she's not been sleeping. And I think there are certain pinch points in a relationship where you are tired, you're exhausted, you're a bit stressed out with work, and you're squabbling over minor things. In those situations there you definitely don't find the other person attractive. That's that's the last thing
on your mind. But you know that's not gonna last, you know, and you've got to take the good with the bad.
Absolutely. I think that everything, like we said, everything comes on a spectrum. You're gonna have intense feelings towards someone and you're gonna have times where you know those feelings are less. But the important thing is like having that mutual love, that really deep seated mutual love for each other, knowing that that doesn't go away regardless of everything else that fluctuates around you, but like I always feel like I love you. There's never a time where I'm like,
I don't. I don't love you. I don't like I question my feelings. That doesn't happen. But do I question my attraction? I guess that that's a weird. It's a weird way of putting it because like it also ties down to my own personal libido, like you know, being pregnant.
We've talked about it loads on the podcast. I am certainly nowhere near as like sexually driven as what I normally am, and this pregnancy is hugely at my libido, So therefore it's affected my feelings of being attracted and everything else that comes with that as well.
But it's it's funny that I think back to the weekend.
On Sunday, we had a really really busy day where we had our family, Like my family and your family were both over, so we were from the moment we woke up, we were cleaning the house, we were organizing food, people were around, and it was extremely hectic and I didn't get to spend much time with you, and like, I don't think we even had more than a kiss or two throughout the whole day because I wasn't focused on that, and then it wasn't until the end of
the day where you said, hey, you know, you've not really kissed me today, and I, you know, I didn't even realize that i'd been acting in that way. But I think sometimes, you know, if you are feeling like you need more attention, or if you do feel like you need more or love and affection, I think it's it comes down to communicating that to your partner, Like
I didn't even realize. And of course you know that day, I still loved you more than ever, but I just I guess I wasn't showing that outwardly as much as I normally would.
It's funny you bring that up. Actually, Like you guys know that we do our stuck and sweet on every episode, and if you listen to the episode we did on Tuesday, which was the one with doctor Angela Jay, it's a freaking awesome episode. I really really, I mean that sounds very biased because obviously it's our episode, but it's a really special episode and I really really hope that you can go and listen to it if you haven't already. But I did talk about my suck that week and my suck.
Was that this.
Feeling of, you know, I've been a lot more emotional lately, and things that normally wouldn't upset me have upset me a lot more. And I was saying to brit like, it's not something that I can just put down to hormones constantly and just blame on hormones. But it's also the fact that, like my body's changed heaps. I don't feel as attractive as I normally do. I'm pretty down
on myself about those changes. And when we had all these people over on Sunday and Matt just wasn't his normal attentive self, it like really amplified my insecurities around me not feeling as attractive. So I definitely think that this is something that's fluid. And I obviously told that on the podcast. Matt's just mentioned it again, and you know, we spoke about it a lot that Sunday night, But
I think you absolutely nailed it. Like you have to have communication, you have to talk about when you're feeling those ebbs and flows that your partner doesn't feel rejected as well. That's a really important part of communication and of making sure that you guys are completely on the same page.
And I also just want to say, I think it is really important at some point throughout the day that you do, even if it's just one brief moment, having a hug, having a kiss, not to have that eventuate into anything more than just, you know, a quick embrace. But I think it is really important that you don't forget those little intimate moments.
I one hundred percent agree. And I think as soon as you do start forgetting those intimate moments, that's when you kind of end up feeling like you're just living with a friend, you know, like, and I get it, like as life changed, it it's very easy to be constantly intimate with each other when you first start a dating, when you're in the honeymoon phase and like when you have no other distractions, but like once you have kids and things become a little bit more chaotic and you
seem like you're you can't focus on that person with the same intensity that you could before, it does sometimes become easy to just forget to make sure that they feel completely appreciated. But it is such an important thing to remind your partner of that. I mean, maybe after this we should just go make out for a little while.
Well, we'll put this on pause. We'll come right back.
Hi, guys, it's good to be back.
No.
But the other thing as well, and something that the reason why I picked this question, I thought it was really important one to unpack is because we see it on Instagram. You see couples that look perfect, that they look like they're always in love. And you know, like we constantly say, like comparison is the thief, thief of joy. But that is not sustainable. It's not how relationships work. Relationships have the full spectrum. You know, you fight in relationships.
It's a very normal and healthy part of relationships. Feeling intensely attracted to your partner and then also having days where you feel slightly less attracted to them are all normal parts of a relationship. And I don't think that if you feel that, if you feel those waves and those ebbs and flows, it doesn't necessarily mean that anything is wrong with your relationship. You're just riding the waves
of it. And like you know, you can't be with someone for thirty years or forty years or fifty years of life, and every single day, for every single moment wake up feeling peak aroused and peak attracted to them, it's just not gonna happen, never going to happen. No, you see them at the worst and you see them at the best. And yeah, all of that is part of a relationship.
You mentioned fighting in a relationship, and I think it is such a really critical part of sustaining a really healthy relationship is how you resolve conflict. And even we have little squabbles, I don't think we wouldn't. We never really fight over anything major. It's always something that's just like so trivial and so minor, and it's just just us being tired and exhausted, which makes it so much bigger than what's actually at hand.
Yeah, and one of the questions that we chose, which I thought was so relevant, is in regards to fighting. So I'm going to hear question number three, Maddy J. So weird that I'm calling you Maddy J. Just I would never call him that. It's just for like, this.
Is just for knew it. But I didn't even flinch.
Matthew Johnson is what I would more likely call you, but usually just when you're in trouble.
I'll answer to anything.
All right, babe, here we go. So my question is my partner and I have very different fighting styles. We've been together for nine years now and literally nothing has changed. The things we fight over are generally inconsequential, but afterwards I want comfort and resolution and he wants to retreat. The more I push, the more he retreats, and then we get stuck in a cycle, resulting in both of us feeling like shit. In particular, I end up emotional and irrational. How can we break the cycle? Help?
Yeah, it's interesting. I know that I've spoken to other couples about their fighting style. I would find it so difficult to have a fight with you, Laura, and to not resolve it before we went to bed. I think we kind of we didn't even really speak about it. It was just something that I think we were lucky that we're both on the same page that we never wanted to go to sleep still having angst with each other.
Yeah, I guess it's such an important thing, right, Like everyone talks about your love languages, and we've done an episode on like attachment styles, but we've never really unpacked argument styles, and I think that that is probably one of the most critical parts of a relationship, is like your conflict resolution.
And we're very very similar.
We fight in the exact same way.
We're so stubborn, So Matt and I.
We have the exact same fighting style when we fight. Like like you said, we don't actually ever fight over big things, and that's because there have been no big and bad things that happened to our relationship to fight over. They're always such like small irritations. It could be that I don't like the way that Matt has said a specific thing to me and it's made me feel upset or insecure, or I don't like that you've been a
little bit short with me. It's it's always something that's been taken out of context, but I have found it offended, or vice versa. You know, I've said something to you and you haven't liked my tone more so than actually what the words that were said.
I'm trying to think back to the last little argument we had, and I think it was when one day I had Marley in the morning. You'd been at work, we were doing like a change over midday and you came home and I think I said it was as simple as and I don't know if I'll get the tone right, but I said, can you please take Marley. Maybe maybe I didn't maybe I didn't say please.
Okay, So what actually happened was we're going to rehash this argument right now. What I actually happened was is Matt had had Marley for two hours and I had had her all morning.
I think it was three.
It was two hours, and like, you know, fair like, it had been a stressful two hours. She hadn't been her best self she you know, like anyone who has toddler knows that, like even in a small period of time, if there's a toddler tantrum that ensues, it can be super stressful and like hard to manage. And I had come home, I had taken her, and of course, like the change in parenting meant that she was being an
absolute angel for me. So Matt was just a bit frustrated and he went to the bedroom to kind of calm down. And I walked into the bedroom with Marley and she was being super happy. I didn't really realize what had kind of gone on before I'd gotten home, and I was playing with her and I was like, oh, like, you know, kip daddy a cuddle or something like that, and he was like, nah, I need like ten minutes away and he kind of got up and walked out of the room.
Maybe I delivered that with a bit too much frustration.
Yeah, and I and I took it personally. I took it like, well, you wanted to be away from me and not just Maley, not just that you needed a break from parenting. I took it as though, like in that moment, you wanted to get away from us, and so obviously then I was offended, and then he was offended that I was offended.
We just snowboard from then.
And I guess the thing with our fighting style is like I actually think that sometimes we can gaslight each other when one of us has an issue, and it's not intentional, but it's because the gas lighting occurs because neither of us want to admit that we've actually hurt the other person's feelings, so we try and change their minds.
So we will be like, you know, Matt might have said something that's upset me, or I might have said something that's upset him, and instead of sitting down and listening to what is the what is what the other person is upset about, our instant d fault and we both do it is to turn around and be like, well, you you are too sensitive. You've taken that the wrong way, and that's your problem. It's not what I said, and
I recognize that that's not very healthy. But the good thing that we both do is that after a little while of us being stubborn, one of us always ends up going I'm sorry. I can see it from your perspective, and I think that that's what's the most important part about conflict resolution is that you need to remember are you fighting because you want to get to a better goal, like you need an end goal and like you want to make up from it, or are you fighting to
be right? And if you're just fighting to be right, then that's when you need to concede and go, Okay, pick your battles, like it's not worth being right over something that is inconsequential.
There are so many fights where I've been really stubborn.
So many there's like a cat no, no, no.
I'm just thinking back to like moments where we've both been lying in bed and we're facing the other way, and I'm thinking to myself, there is absolutely no way I'm going to give in, and I'm going to roll over and give her a kiss. She's the one who's going to do it this time. But then I look back at that situation and I think the reason I was being so stubborn is because I just didn't want to be wrong.
And it's so hard to do it in the moment. It's so hard to do it when you feel angry about something.
I think you do sometimes you need to take a bit of a breather because in the moment when you are frustrated, aggression is only going to breed more aggression, and then you'll just end up shouting and getting you know, the fight will then build up and you're never going to resolve it.
And I think the important thing to come back to you with this question and like we obviously we were just hashed about our own fighting styles. But the problem with this question is that your fighting styles are different. And I think when you have different fighting styles to your partner, it means you have to work even harder
to better understand them. So knowing that your partner is someone who retreats and someone who has to avoid conflict, there does and I understand that, Like you know, when you're someone who needs reassurance and you need love and affirmation, that can leave you feeling even more abandoned. But in the same instance that you need love and affection, he
also needs some time to process his thoughts. So it's unfair of you to push, push, push, push, push, and keep pushing the conversation to get what you want out of it, because it makes him also feel isolated in the exact same way that you feel isolated. So you do have to try and meet in the middle a
little bit with this. And I think that some way that you can resolve this is for somebody who's an avoidant personality type who needs time to themselves, saying hey, we need to talk and then knowing that that could be an open ended conversation that could go for hours is actually petrifying to someone who is an avoidant person
personality type. So maybe saying I'm feeling really upset and I know that this is something that you struggle with, but I need five minutes to explain to you why I feel upset, and then I'd really love it if you would just give me five minutes to reassure me that that we're okay, and then we can You can go and have your time out and I will be
all right. But I think it's when things escalate so much and there's lack of communication there that even if the fight itself is inconsequential, the fight becomes so bit and so magnified that you're left feeling like your partner doesn't understand you as a person.
I want to say as well, when you are in a situation where an argument is escalating and you're almost going blow for blow, and I say this, and I know it's really easy for me just to say, hey, here's a rule full of this when you have an argument, but I think the worst thing you could potentially do in an argument is to have personal attacks for the
other person. And I think in the moment, when it's very heated, it is so easy because you know that's what's going to get you the best reaction, you know, in the moment. But I think as much as you can try and avoid going down that route, because then it's so much harder to try and resolve it when you're going so far deep into hurting the other person's.
Feelings, like our big one is like you cannot swear, like that's our big one. And I know that sometimes I swear, but my role is I don't like being sworn at. So IF's Matt ever is like oh fuck this, or and like he doesn't swear at me. Don't get me wrong, Like our fight's are really really tame and docile. But if we're having an argument and Matt responds with like fuck this and storms off, that takes the argument to like the next level. Like that for me is such level of disrespect.
So but I think it's great when you when you when either one of us does go to like stage tuber fight where we were a swear word is starting to be thrown and we see it escalating straight away, We're like, you shot that right now?
Yeah, because we're what you're doing. We have boundaries and
like they're rules that we have to our fighting. And I think, like anything in a relationship, you have rules that you've communicated that you you know that are your boundaries about what is respectful and what is acceptable, and like if you are feeling like you're not being respected, it's time to kind of call out and be like cool, cool, we need to take a couple of seconds here, because this is not how we're going to fight about this. I'm not going to swear at you. You're not going
to swear at me. You're not going to insult me. I'm not going to insult you because we're actually fighting about something that you didn't do, Like you didn't take the freaking bins out, or you're you walked away from me in the bedroom. I didn't like your tone. You have to kind of try and bring yourself back to why are you fighting and what happened? And I think if you can break it down to being something that is literally not a big deal, you need to keep
that in perspective when you're fighting. Different if it is a big deal. Different, if you've been cheated on, Different, if you feel like you've been lied to, different. There are so many other things that kind of like break
the fighting rules. Of course, like even then you're not going to go down the path of screaming, calling and hurling abuse, But I can understand why the fight would become slightly more irrational in those instances, and there takes it takes a lot more work and potentially some therapy to overcome those things. But I'm talking about the everyday irritations of just living with and being a cohabitating unit
that you need to work through. And there has to always be this level of respect for how the two of you communicate and where possible. I was like, I'm rapping this up power.
And where possible. Always have to make up sex.
Oh yeah, makeup sex is the thing, right, You have to have makeup sex, and you have to like a big harg and a big kiss afterwards, and like what Matt' said, just the sex, I reckon, that's why you pick farts with me.
Yeah, it's been a while. Hey, Laura, fuck you. Here we go, let's go and we're on.
Okay, we got one more question, guys, question number three. Who was it three or is it four? I kind of remember where we're at.
No, that's this is question four. You had first one or second? We did third? We can count. We are good. Gon'd help Molly May when she has Matt's at school.
This one is very related to timing, so I think this is important. It's another relationship question. But I mean, it kind of makes sense that you guys are throwing loads of relationship questions at us, seeing as though we're in a relationship, well and.
Seeing as though this is a relationship podcast. True, I mean, if people are throwing like electrical questions at us, engineering question it'd be really hard for us to come back and answer that.
And you're also a terrible handyman, so do you particularly.
Hard the light in the bathroom? But yesterday, thank you very.
Much, he did change a light globe. Okay, all right, So I started dating this guy in April. COVID made me make a dumb decision. I've known the whole time that this man is not my penguin and it's not going to be long term, which leads me to the problem I have. Now I need to break up with him. The problem is he went all out for my birthday, and now Christmas is coming. Should I wait until after Christmas? I have already set a limit for presents, so I'm
not really worried about the whole present thing. However, is it worse him being alone during Christmas or leading him on by letting him come along to my family Christmas he can't head to his hometown due to COVID? Help to break up or not to break up?
Oh gosh, she's got herself in a.
Real pickle, A real pickle dickle?
Is this what you would call? Laura? Tell me if this is correct? A situationship?
No?
Okay, great, that's definitely not what, because that's not what I'm going to say.
Perfect. This is not a situationship. They have defined the relation. They are in a relationship, and she wants out of it because she sounds like she kind of used them as a bit of an emotional crutch during COVID, when you know, she was feeling a bit alone and she ended up dating a guy that she knew wasn't right for her. And now it's come to a point where she can go out, she can see guys, she can live her life, and she wants to end this relationship before it escalates any further.
I can sympathize with her because I've been in a situation over in the UK before, where look, the winter in Europe is so brutal and depressing. That I have dated someone and I knew at the time that they weren't someone who I was going to be madly in love with. There was someone that I enjoyed hanging out with and like we had good chemistry, but I definitely wasn't thinking to myself, oh my gosh, this is going
to be the person I'm going to marry. But at the time I was like, this is nice, this is fine.
How to winter shack up. You're cozy exactly right, and I don't want to go to the bar. And when it's more snowing outside.
Oh yeah, you want to say you want to watch movies down the couch, so you use people. That's yeah for one of a better phrase, Thanks Laura. I knew that was the old Mandy Jay. Gosh, the things I used to do. No, But I knew that it was leading up to Christmas, and I realized that if I had gone through a big event like spending time with her family over Christmas, that is something that is really
going to solidify the relationship for her. And I knew that moving forward it would be so much harder to try and end that relationship because that person is getting more and more invested, and I think it's, you know, you want to do the right thing here. You don't want to hurt someone's feelings, and so it is really tempting to just go, do you know what, I'll see
through Christmas It'll make it a lot easier. It means that they're going to be with somebody and not by themselves over such a really huge event of the calendar year. But I think, unfortunately, you're just prolonging that pain, and when you do eventually break up with him, if it is half Christmas, it's actually gonna make it harder for them long term. So I think, do you know what I would do, Laura, what I do wonder? I think
what she should do is break up with him pre Christmas. However, I think what would be a nice little like, nice little like sweetness to the situation is I think she should still get him a Christmas present. That's weird, No, no, because I think it's like it's a bit of a shit soundwich right, So it's like, Hey, I've had a really great time. Unfortunately I don't want to see you again.
However, I bought you a Christmas hamper. However, here's some Christmas pudding.
Yeah, and here's a new T shirt and socks.
But he's never gonna want to wear it. He's never gonna want what she's gonna give hand.
That's not true. I'm true at all.
Everyone likes socks.
Everyone likes socks. I still have gifts that I've worn.
You still have gifts from ex partners?
Yeah? My wallet? Really?
Yeah, you've always you know what, This is a real point of contention because every year. I'm like, Matt, you need a new wallet, and he's like, no, there's nothing wrong my wallet. My Walt's great.
Now I know why because obviously it was still you know, you're.
Getting for Christmas this year.
So I think she should break up with him. I think it will be the right thing to do. The longer she leaves it, the more invested he's going to get, and the harder it's going to be for him to recover from that breakup.
I'm going to get a little bit sciencing on you, which I think it explains relationships and connections and bonding. So when we love someone and when we spend time with them, we create neurological pathways, right, And the more memories and the more time that you spend with someone, the more pathways that literally bind you to that person.
So by you going and inviting him to your family Christmas, all you're doing is cementing that that chemistry, that love, that connection, and you're giving him validation that this is a relationship that is going to have longevity. So to break up with him very shortly after, you're only going to be magnifying that pain. Because science says he will have more neurological pathways that he needs to actually break down over time, because he's created more beautiful memories with you.
As much as breakups freaking suck, they suck at every time of the year, they suck, particularly around Christmas. But I think that it's it's almost crueler to do it after Christmas because you feel like it's making it a bit easier for you. I actually do think it'll make a lot harder for him, So it's not ideal. Could you do it in mid March. Sure, that's a bit
of a more like obsolete time of year. That would be great, But I don't think that you should put your life on hold for three months so it's in between hallmark occasions. I think, unfortunately, this is something that you really really have to do, And it also means it's going to free him up to spend his summer. He can be single, he can go out and live his life. Does that mean that you check in with him on Christmas Day? Maybe maybe you do need to just be like, I hope you're okay.
Maybe no, I'm thinking no checking in, no checking in, but still still look the Christmas present because he gave you a great birthday present. But I think I'm assuming that it's going to be the same for girls as it is for guys. That the first time you meet their family, your partner's family in your head, you know, it's a bit of a taste of what the future could be like. You know, it's such a huge milestone moment in any relationship when you are taking that next step and meeting their family.
What was I like meeting my family when you got to meet for other women's family simultaneously.
So again back to the point of Christmas is I think when someone breaks up with you, I think you do want to have some closure. You do want to have some information that allows you to understand what went wrong. If you're having Christmas together, meeting the family, and let's assume that you guys have a really amazing time, everybody gets along, he becomes best friends with your brother. To then break up after that, he is going to be so confused trying to figure out what went wrong because
everything we just tracking along perfectly. So it's going to be such a shock to his system when you do break up pre Christmas. And also it's New Year's Eve. Let the man go out and get a New Year's eve.
Pash and he might also think that maybe the breakup has come as a result of, like your family not necessarily liking him or something. I think that, yeah, I agree with Matt wholeheartedly, which is nice. It's nice when we agree. I think that it's really important to have a conversation and just be transparent with him as to why you are breaking up, you know, explaining to him that this is something that you have been thinking about
for a while. It's not a rash decision. It's not a decision that you're making because Christmas is here and you know that the timing is actually pretty freaking horrendous, but that you don't feel the same level of connection that you should feel, being that you've been in a relationship sin since April and you don't want to waste his time anymore. And unfortunately that's that's it, Like, that's
where the relationship ends. And I think explaining all those things around the breakup and giving a level of explanation equals a little bit of closure.
But also it's just going to mean that you're going to have a much better Christmas with your family as well. Absolutely, Like it means that you're gonna be able to enjoy it without the fear of, oh my god, I'm gonna have to break this person's heart in a couple of weeks.
But don't get me wrong, Like I mean, it's it's shit situation for everyone. Like breakups are hard for the person who's being broken up with, but it's also incredibly hard for the person doing the breaking up. Like nobody gets out of this situation feeling good about themselves. And you know, I think it's nice that you're considering his feelings and you're trying to figure out what is the best solution. But I just always think in these situations,
honesty and a really genuine conversation is the absolute best solution. Well, I love it when we agree, and I also love that this is the end of the episode. It's our first one together, honey, and we popped your cherry.
We've got ten like that, We've got ten minutes left until Marley's back home, so we should wrap this up because.
Yeah, we literally we literally got one of our friends to come take her in the prem so that we could sit in the house and do this. We have been trying to get this episode done for the past three days, and even though we live together, and we spent all of our time together. We've still managed to do it last minute, which is very typical of Laura and Maddy Jay. That is us to a t Anyway, guys, thank you so much to everybody who has written in
for today. I hope you love the episode. Britt will be back if you did, she'll be back next week.
When you you know what's happened. When you first asked me to come on the podcast, it was like the opening of the floodgates. Now all of a sudden, I'm back every other week.
It's just you're slowly muscling one of us out. I wonder if it's going to be me or Britt. Like, I'm going to come home one day and you guys are just recording the Tuesday episode in the bedroom. I'm like, hey, guys, what are you doing here? Why are you wearing any pants? What's going on?
Oh?
Fuck? Is escalated? Relax anyway, guys, if you have any questions for next week's episode, Britt, it'll be back. We'll be answering it as per normal. We also have our accidentally unfiltered section on Tuesday's episode, which is basically your most embarrassing cringe worthy stories, which we love. It's our favorite part of the episode, so please make sure that you send them to us as well. You can send your questions and you're accidentally unfiltered stories through to at
Life un Cut Podcast through a DM on Instagram. Just make sure that you title it with ask on cut or accidentally unfiltered, otherwise Brittany will have a conniption because she has to sort through it. And you can also follow us at Life Uncut Podcast on the Facebook group Last bit of housekeeping. If you haven't given us a review yet and you love the app, please jump on and do that. Five stars would be a great place to start.
Is this where we have my favorite part? What's this?
Jump on, Maddie Jack?
Because when you guys normally record and I'm out in the living room, I listen for this moment because this is what signifies that finally it's done and I can come back into the bedroom.
Because tell your mum, tell your dad, tell your friends, tell your doctory cat, tell your nanto, everybody, because we.
Love love the ban.
They're not cutting the bombery, they're not cutting the bomboy, they're not cutting
The happen by the ba