Life on Cut acknowledges the traditional custodians of country whose lands were never seated. We pay our respects to their elders past and present.
Always was, always will be Aboriginal Land. This episode was recorded on de rug Wallamuta Land. Hi guys, and welcome back to another episode of Life on Cut. I'm Laura, I'm Brittany, and this is ask gun Cart where we answer or your deep you're dark and your dirty questions.
We both this morning have sounded better. We have been having like an asthmaic coffee.
How cute is it that we all have asthma still as like full grown adults.
I don't think it's asthma. I don't think I've ever had asthma. But I've had this thing in my throat for like ten days and I can't It's seamen.
Yeah, stuck, stuck for dear life, dripping down still, that's what happens. No, that is not what it is. But I can't clean. I'm not sorry. No, don't be sorry for me. I'm great, airways open. Apologize to do a salt water flush. You'll be fine. I've done everything. I've gurgled.
I've just dreamed like I've better than gargled. I've done the salt, I've done the lemon.
I don't know what it is. It's called being sick.
I wonder if I've been really jet lagged right the last couple of days. But I think I'm moving past jet lag having insomnia like I cannot sleep.
No, I think you've just moved past jet lag and you're moved into being old. And that's what happens when we get our late thirties. I thought more no, less broken. Sleep, not as good, not as thorough.
Grandparents sleep all the time, like they nap all day, but they have to get out like five times a night just to pee.
Do you know what? Speaking of speaking of sleeping, do you know why I am tired all the time? Because my three year old Molly gets into bed with us every night, right like she still does it. She's been doing it since she was like one and a half. She'll just climb out of her bed to come, and it's like maybe two in the morning. She climbs into bed, and she's super daddy orientated, so she always wants to cuddle dad and kick me in the tit And that
happens about right, Yeah, over and over and over. But
now she started doing this new thing. So not only does she want to cuddle down and be like affectionate towards him at night time and get like you like be right in the spoon with him and kick me in the tit, she'll come around to my side of the bed and instead of like just climbing in being like a normal child, she just stands there like a tombstone until I wake up screaming, because like she'll just like touch me a little bit or stroke my cheek or like play with my hair, and it until caress
to wake you up. And then there's just this figure in the dark standing there ominously over me, staring down at me like Chucky the grudge or something I feel like other Mumsey, No, she's awake, cause she's fucking petrifying. No, but I'm being honest.
She could be asleep because I used to do that and I was asleep. That's quite a sleepwalking thing. You look awake, you can talk, but you're sleep.
She's awake and she's standing there with a knife trying to terrorize me.
It's not but she could be sleepwalking because I used to do that all the time. I caught mom and dad having sex on the lounge once when I was a child. I don't remember it, but they've told me because.
I stood there.
I walked in and stood there looking at them, and they just stopped and they were like, oh my god, we've been sprung. This is gonna cost us so much in therapy for the next twenty years.
And I apparently just toook at my eyes up and staring.
At them, and then they were like, sweetie, is everything okay? And then I said to them, if Mitch kills me, can I kill him back? Mitch is my brother. And then they realized that I must have been asleep. They're like, why would your brother kill you? And I just said, if he kills me, can I kill him back?
And they were like sure, And I just went back to bed. Never remembered it, but I look away. Do you know what that actually is called? That's a repressed memory. That's trauma. If you go and have my brother tried to kill me, no, that you watched your parents having sex and then your brain was like can't commute. If you went and had hypnotherapy, that's the stuff that would come out. They would be like, oh, remember that time you saw your parents doing dogging on the couch. That's
what that is. No, I wasn't doggy. I think it was missionary. No, I think mum was on top dad. But that no one needs to know that, right, that's good. Yeah, the producer Geche doesn't need that. Everyone needs that image. Here's a thought.
Could be on my own thinking or not thinking, but knowing my parents have sex does not bother me.
Nah, neither.
Like I know a lot of people are like, oh my god, I couldn't think of anything worse. Knowing my parents have sex makes me happy because I'm like, great, they've been married forty five years.
I'm stoked they're still happy. You are probably alone with this, but you know, it does bother me. Walking in on my mum in a sixty niner that's what does bother me. And that is still sid into my brain.
Which actually explains a lot of it.
He was on top and he was on the bottom. No, we know how everything that was us to the doorway. Think of it like that.
Yeah.
I think I was about ten, and I still really every so often when I'm in the depths of my trauma, that image recalls to my brain. I saw her came from.
Why images don't come to mind, which means I'm not post from anyway.
We do not need to talk about our parents having speaks anymore. This is fine, Sorry, mum. She never listens to the podcast Haws. She ever listened? No, she doesn't anymore. I think I said a few things early on and she was like, not for me.
We'll say hi to Big Tony because my dad listens to every episode.
So I had to add, and I hope you're still getting written into the sunset there. Don't get it dead, get it okay?
Well, speaking of love, speaking of being happily married, I want to say that most not all, but most women at some point, from when they're a young girl to a teenager to the early twenties to whenever.
At some point, I feel like women dream of the day they'll get married. They imagine it, the proposal, who it's going to be, what it's going to look like. I feel like I thought about it probably once, but it's been thirty five years, so I've let it go, so like not go think about anymore.
But if it happened, stoked.
But it's one of those things that I don't know, if you were the same lord. But everyone thinks about their proposal. Everyone thinks about like whether or not you
want to get married or not. There's been a point in your childhood where you've thought about it, because we're brought up around this very you know, traditional idea that you get a white dress, you get married, and it's all lovely and beautiful, and your whole family's there, piket fans, yea, four kids, You talk about it, whether here someone I mean, I think there's different types of people.
Some people like really really think about it, and then some people like that might happen. Probably never.
Oh people have I know friends that have whole what to call that skin board?
See, I don't even know that pinboard and they're not even engaged yet. I've never had a pinterest.
People that have pinterests their entire life, and you know, they've got kids names, they've got their wedding dress and their venues, and they haven't even had a boyfriend. Fine, that's fine. Sure we're not gonna yuck eat someone's crazy young. It's good to have goals, yeah, drink, it's good to manifest. Well, the only time I thought about it was when I almost got married to the sociopath because he was marrying someone else. I have not thought about it again, you know,
like that just sort of took away the specialness. Yeah, yeah, when you're not the only one.
But I want to tell you about this kidnapping. I don't know if you've heard about it, Laura, but no, everyone's heard about it. Yeah, everyone who's looked at the news the last couple of days. It's ae that haven't.
There's a man that's gone above and beyond for the quote unquote ultimate proposal. He's actually a Sydney man. He's Australian.
Adam ritsk Is. His name. Doesn't surprise me, to be honest. That's from Sydney.
Yeah, it's such an Australian man thing to do. He went on holiday with his lovely partner to Lebanon. He decided to surprise her there with a proposal. But what he did, for some unknown reason, he thought it would be a good idea to stage a carjacking in Lebanon. So they're in the car and all of a sudden, the car gets carjacked, she gets taken out, she gets blindfolded, there's a knife, there's these men yelling that she's been kidnapped.
This is Lebanon.
She is petrified. This is all on footage, petrified. They're driving for a long time. She doesn't know where they're going because she can't see. She can't or she can hear his men bumpy dirt road. They finally pull up to a destination and it's rocky gravel and they're pushing her along the road. She's literally fearing for her life. This is I don't know how long this has gone on for, but it's it's not quick.
It's a problem. I think she has been fucking kidnapped.
The woman thinks she's about to die, and I don't blame her. I would feel the same. And when I watched the video, I was like, she's gonna die, Like this is a proper kidnapping.
So they walk her down this gravel road.
When she thinks her life is over, they rip her blindfold off, and instead of there being a kidnapper that's gonna be ahead her or something, there is her partner on one knee.
With a proposal.
He's staged the whole kidnapping and was like, psych, you're not gonna die.
It's me and I want to marry you. I am laughing at this. And the reason why I'm laughing at this is not because it's funny. It's very serious. It's absolutely outrageous. I have a lot of feelings about it, and I'm sure I ran in a little bit. The reason why I'm laughing is because I knew dating in Sydney was fucked. I knew that it was hard to find a good man, but I didn't think it was this hard.
Do you know what makes it worse? It gets worse. Surely you think, all right, this has got to be Like he's in Lebanon. He's had a last minute, spontaneous idea like this could be fun.
Let me just quickly organize this in ten minutes. This was like you didn't think it through. Like it's one of those things that you you think it's gonna be a good idea and you do it on a whim and then you're like.
Huh, I youel like I wish I sat on that and thought about it. Yeah, three months he planned this. He also planned it with his sister. So this has gone through multiple people and a large amount of time has gone by. There's been a lot of times that this could have been shut down, but they thought it was a brilliant idea. And you know what, the even crazier part is she said yes, Yeah, but to be fair, yes to the kidnap.
To be fair, I've been in relationships where I so wanted them to propose to me. Is I probably would have said yes too in the past. Not anymore. I'm not saying it's a good thing. I'm saying, like, deeply flawed. So stop doing fucking proposals for Instagram? Oh what are you doing that for? Like? Are you doing that for clicks on TikTok? Are you doing that for people to like get a viral download? You haven't thought, hmm, what's
the way to really mark this engagement? What's the best way that's going to be super special that we can look back on and used to come, Ah, I will kidnap her and make her petrified for her life trauma bond. Yes.
I just couldn't believe it. And I'm all for pranks. And he came out and said, you know, we like to prank each other. We often prank each other. Hide behind the kitchen door and jump out and scan them.
Don't kidnap them with a knife and three strange men. Maybe she said yes because she was so relieved that it was him at the end, like she genuinely thought she was so close to a near death experience that the only reasonable thing to come out of her mouth was like, oh my god, thank god, it's you. And then he interpreted that as a ye, yes. Do you think she was probably like, yes, I'm not being kidnapped. I'm just like yes, yes, yes, no, okay. But the
thing that's even wilder is that. So since this has happened, obviously it's garnered a massive amount of views cross social media, which is why everyone's talking about it, which is what makes me think that this is the whole reason why it was done in the first place. But she's gone on to say so her name is Vanessa. She's gone on to upload photos from her engagement, and she says it was a dream come true. It was a dream come true, which also makes me think maybe they're just
into some fucking weird kinks. Nah, maybe she likes it. Maybe she's really into BDSM like ming Pata took it one step further.
Yeah, I think she's convinced herself that it was the best day of a line.
Adam's sister also said Adam always joked that he wanted to propose to Vanessa in a way to scare her, and my family joined in and made it possible when she was visiting family in Lebanon. They always play pranks on each other, so it's just their relationship. There's a limit. There is still a limit.
There's a line, and you crossed it big time.
Oh my god, what would you do? I would say no, I'm not kidding.
I'd say no, and I would It's hard to know because you're not in it, but I reckon I would break up with him.
I'd probably get back together with him.
But I'd be like, if you think this is normal, Like, if you think this is how I wanted this to go down After ten years, they've been together for ten years, and he still thought this was.
A good idea. I genuinely look back on my past relationships and think, there have been times in my life where I so desperately wanted to be married. It was terrible, bad relationships, trauma, toxic, so you just want I reckon that if someone had done it, I would have been like, oh, at least they proposed, Like, at least I'm now getting married. Shows he loves me. It means he actually loves me. I would have convinced myself that that was like a
good thing. I actually feel like I'm the opposite. Yeah, I mean, I was pretty crazy in my twenties. I wouldn't recommend it.
And Ben, if you listening to this, do not take me to Levenon, do not kidnap me, and do not pretend that my life is over.
I don't think he was ever gonna do that. I get a really strong feeling that you've made that pretty clear. Anyway, before we get into answering your questions, I have a vibe today. I don't know if it's a hot take, but I'm gonna tell you anyway because I'm fucking loving them. So I find it really hard to get bike shorts. This sounds dumb, but bear with me. My legs look like you know when you buy two sausages and they're still connected. That's what bike shorts do to my legs.
They just cut me in the middle and sucking around a ring, and then my legs like billow out below the bottom of it. That is not accurate. It's because I'm thin, but I'm not toned. There's no tone to these legs. They're just soft, and so bike shorts cut in in the middle.
See what you're saying is you found some non sausage bike pants.
You've only seen me in a pair of bike shorts that you can't actually wear exercising, like soft bike shorts from I actually think i've seen your bike pants once in life. You know, you've seen in those cream ones that are from Zuloff ribbed ones, which you can't exercise in them because your bum falls out the back.
No, I wouldn't call them bike pants.
Yeah, they're fashion okay, but then yeah, I bought bike shorts and they're freaking great. And if you're someone who feels like a sausage when you put them on. And I don't mean, I don't know between the podcast, don't name drop. No, it's country road Country road bike shorts there, Yes, And that's why it's my vibe because I walked in there it was unsuspecting I saw them on the shelf.
It was actually I was at the airport and I was going to something where I needed to wear active where and I'd forgot to pack it, and I was like, would have been Rockhampton. No, it was something that was being shot and I was like, okay, I'll get them, it's jeopardy. And then I put them on and they were amazing, seamless, straight down the thigh.
Are they actual exercise bike pants?
I did the exercise in them, and I think it went well. I love that for you. Yeah, so who would have thought country road bike shorts for exercise where if you are somebody who finds the bike shorts always cut you in the middle of the thigh, Okay, I always get a cameltoe. Yeah, No, No, camelto like kind of a bit reinforced. You need the ones that have a bit of not that it's battered in the middle, but it's just a bit thicker in the middle. For anyone who actually has a LaBier.
Well, I also think when we're talking about camelto's like it's a natural part, there's nothing wrong with it. But some people are more prone to them than others.
But it's literally women with labiers. No.
I think the reason I get them is because I like high waist and I have quite a long torso, so for bike pants to get to my high waist, they just jack up a bit, do you know what I mean?
So I think that's why I just think some of us have medium muffs, and it's fine, that's my problem.
That's true, lots of different musks, but mine's definitely.
We love to call it that someone's gonna get angry. So someone's going to write to us right now and say it's evolva I have we know.
I haven't said mums since I was about twelve, so okay, fourteen, All right, let's not call it that then.
Anyway, what's your vibe?
I didn't have one, but I have a big unsubscribe.
Oh yes she is.
This is probably the biggest unsubscribed that there is, and I don't think you can actually do it.
Oh instead of recommending something you're angry this week, I really want it like.
An a controversial but I want to unsubscribe from Coachella.
It is.
I do not want to see one more thing of Cochella. Not because I'm jealous, not because I have fomo, because I feel like it's gotten to the point where it's changed and it.
Is so performative.
There are people coming out, They are all these stories now, like it's just clogging my feet and I don't want to look at anymore. But there are people coming out and saying that loads of people fake going to Coachella. They don't go, and you can tell when they don't have the wristbands. They do the whole thing. They get dressed up, they pretend they're there, they photoshop them in, they do all this stuff and they're not even there.
Wait, are they actually in the country or they're just standing in front of a green screen at Crichello I think a to be but no.
A lot of people go, but they don't go in the gates, and other people just take photos dressed up, pretending they're somewhere with like a plain background.
But that's the same as fashion week, fashion Week in Sydney, Mercedes Fashion Week, whatever it's called. Now. You go there and there's influencers out the front taking photos, but they're not going to the shows. They're just standing at carriage works. Coachella is a giant carriage works. Wow.
I love people having fun fun, But for me, I don't sure. It's just my ANSWER's crime this week. I want to just like I wish I could type in the hashtag Coachella and then mute it for this week.
That's all. I'm just I feel the grumpy.
I'm just probably old and grumpy because I'm not sleeping.
I feel the same when it's Burning Man. I feel the same when it's Coachella. I feel the same when it's Fashion Week. Anything that kind of like clogs your feet and takes it by storm. And I get it. I get the people go to Burning Man and they have life altering experiences because they took mushrooms for a week and they feel like they're enlightened and they look amazing.
These festivals look amazing. They do, they do. But I also think a lot of these things now half it's for the experience and half of it's for Instagram.
Well, another girl put up I just saw this this morning, and influencer put up how ludicrously expensive food and stuff is there? And she put up a photo of what she bought a cost her seventy bucks sixty eight dollars, and it was like scraps. It looks like you picked something up off the ground that someone else has eaten.
And you know what, maybe this is me. I think it is, do you know I? Because if you went to Coachella, you'd be posting the shit out of it, So I think it's you.
Maybe one day I'll tick it off maybe it's not even on my bucket list, but maybe I was supposed to go last year.
Do you remember that? And then you would have been someone you hate?
Remember a guy asked me on a date from here to Coachella, who's gonna fly me on a prep plane?
Why didn't you go?
I thought, I don't even usually do dinner on a first date, so flying to Coachella was pretty big.
All right, let's get into answering these questions. Question number one, Now, Britain, I have different feelings about this. My boyfriend and I have been together for three years. Three years. Keep that in mind, he's thirty six months. Is it? That was good? That was good? Mass real fidding more? Bumpum did not do masks or he's got a calculator? Actually, Like, I need to confirm. I stopped maths when I was in year ten. I was like, I'm never going to use
this shit and I never had three years? Is well, okay, I'd have to do you know how I'd have to count that up. I'd have to go ten, ten, ten, and then six. You wouldn't go. That's how I would count it. I wouldn't go twelve, twenty four, thirty six no that like my brain's having an aneurysm. I have to go. I have to break it down ten ten, ten six. I still count sit on my hands. That's going to make some people feel better about themselves. Counting is not It's not something that I excel at, and
I'm okay with it all right here. It is. My boyfriend and I have been together for thirty six months. He's the best thing that's ever had than to me, and I know one day we will be married. However, I often think about the time I slept with his younger brother one drunken night dum, only two weeks before my boyfriend and I started seeing each other. I don't know if my boyfriend knows that this even happened. I certainly haven't told him, and I'm unsure if his younger
brother has either. It was a one night thing, and the brother and I have never spoken about it since. We have also remained really great friends, and I now feel I am a part of their family. My question is do I tell my boyfriend about the one time I fucked his brother. I'm not sure how he would react if he was to find out later down the track, but given he may already know is the fact neither of us have ever brought it up. Weird, don't It's been three years, it's been thirty six months. Stop stop
walking you are You are ruminating in your thoughts. Some things just need to go to the grave. You left it pove loong and he does not need to know.
Disagree, No, disagree in the fact of I don't think he needs to know now. But what I'm feeling from this is you're obviously thinking about this a lot like this is on your mind. It's been thirty six months, and you are constantly worried about if he knows, which is fair. I would think that too every day. If I was in your situation, I would be like, is
today the day? Did he find out yesterday? If you've had a fight and he's off you for something you don't know, you're like, oh my god, as his brother said something, has someone else said something, has a third party said something. There is a chance that this will come out there one hundred percent is a chance.
And I think if it ever happens, you like play the fifth, I don't even know that's that. Don't If you plead it, you plead it, or you say you have amnesia, you don't remember. Just to a Harrison from APS, I can't remember. I must played the fifth Yeah, I'm sorry, I don't remember so long ago. Speak about that, or if it passes the ten in your mark, you can pretend it's like your tax and just say you didn't keep the receipts. I don't remember. No, because you can
go to prison for that. Noe. No, you can't up ten years gone.
Let's be okay, here we go. This is serious, is it?
Yes?
This is her life on the light.
I think what I would do in this situation the sensible thing to do, because I'm gonna say that if your partner finds out about it, you've gotta know about it.
I think he's.
Gonna bring it up like you're gonna have a combo. What I would do is probably go and speak to the brother. Only if you're that concerned and you feel like you can't sleep another wink and you have anxiety every day, because that's a horrible feeling, and it is is today the day something's going to happen. It's a horrible feeling. I'd speak to the brother. Not ideal, but I would be like, yo, bro in law, do you plan on ever talking to your brother about this, I'd
just say your feelings. I would just say, like, I'm really anxious about it. You didn't do anything wrong, you slept with h before you with the brother. But there is a level now of you've kept a pretty big secret for thirty six months.
If I was with my partner for.
Thirty six months and he then had said, oh I had found out, Like, you know, I've got to clear the air. I slept with sheriff and two weeks before I was with you, and everyone knew that except me for those six months. I don't want to say i'd break up because I don't know if that's the answer. Bit to lie and betrayal from a your family member and be your partner is pretty pretty humongous.
What if the brother doesn't remember either, Hember? What if he doesn't remember? What if she then goes, hey, remember that time we had sex and he's like, oh my god, it was you, And then he tells the brother. What if that happens are.
He remembers, I think if it would have been the best sex of his life.
Yeah, obviously, my only worry is if nobody's talking about it, if it's been three years and you start to bring up things from the past and having conversations with the brother or whatever, start talking about it. It could bring it to the surface, and it could make it front of mine, and it could make the brother want to talk about it. Maybe they go out, they have a few beers, and then he decides to share that information.
I actually think it's very deceptive to go to the brother and say, hey, are you going to tell him or not get that information and then be like, it's our secret to have. I think that's even worse because then you're in on a lie. You're in on a secret that you have already in on a line but it's not been spoken about that you're conspiring with the brother to then purposely keep a lie. My thought is, if it comes up down the track because the brother does decide to talk about it, you can at least
be honest. You can say I have never ever ever spoken to your brother about it since it happened. I'm sorry I didn't bring it up. There was never a good time to bring up the conversation of I fucked your brother before we were together, and once I fell in love with you, I was so frightened that you wouldn't want to be with me because of it. I think it is worse to go and speak to the brother, to conspire on a lie and to then not tell your partner than what it is to continue just keeping
it the way it is currently. That is more deceptive and that is eviler. I agree with you.
What you're missing here is the fact that she's extremely uncomfortable. She thinks she needs to get over it or talk to if she's got anxiety. Yeah, there you go, there's your talks to boyfriend. She's got anxiety and she's worried about it. So you can't just live a life like that like you. She has to make a decisions.
Go speak to a therapist about it, don't go and speak to the brother. This is my honest opinion. I don't think you should speak to your current boyfriend about it since you've been together for three years. I think it's going to create a lot of problems, which really sometimes the past can just be in the past, especially if there isn't an overlap. But I just don't think speaking to the brother about it is the right thing
to do to your current partner. So if you have anxiety about it, I'll go and book a consultation with a therapist to talk through it.
But that's not going to help the anxiety because the anxiety is her wondering if it's going to come up, and if he already knows, that's the question, is it going to come up? Because the thing that I think about is there is not a guy. I don't care what anyone says. There is not a guy in the history of time that will have sex with someone and not tell someone else someone, No one ever. No guy takes sex to the grave ever, especially when it's a
secret as big as your brother's girlfriend. Sorry guys, he's told someone someone knows about that, then that's someone that knows about it.
They don't keep that sort of secret. This is big shit.
So what if one time in the future they have a conversation and it slips out. I think that's what the anxiety is, and that's where my anxiety would be.
I don't think you should speak to the boyfriend right now.
I know that's not what I'm saying, But if you are that concerned in this situation, there's not really any I don't believe there's any good answer, Like there's nothing.
That is easy for sure, you left it too long.
Yeah, you're thirty, you're ten plus ten perst ten plus six.
But I don't personally like the advice of going and speaking to the brother and kind of getting from him and sussing that out, because even as you say, Britt, maybe someone else knows. Maybe that information is never going to come from the brother, Maybe it's going to come from the brother's friend. I worry that doing that creates even more of a triangulation in the relationship. It creates a purposeful secret. It's not just a secret that has happened.
I agree where you've all ignored the elephant in the room. It creates real, purposeful deceit against your current partner, and I don't like that.
What you could do is just played this episode in the background and let him hear it, like, oh my god, what would you do?
And then be like, imagine if I had slept with your brother, what do you think would be the best outcome? What would you do in the situation? And then see what he's saying.
Clear speaking, if this were us and that was Bobby.
It's really hard. On the look, there isn't a clear cut answer, because if we were going to be the moral take the moral high ground. The clear cut answer would be to sit down have a conversation with your boyrid We don't take the high ground, but we're also realistic that sometimes there are things that happen in relationships
prior to relationships that information. Like if your boyfriend receives that information now and he's not being privy to it, and you decide to make a great, big, grand deal about it and sit him down and talk about it, it's going to be something that he has to overcome. It could fundamentally affect your relationship. Do you want that?
I do agree though, that if the time comes, for whatever reason, whether you decide to speak to your brother, whether it comes out at any stage, play fifth.
Plead, the fifth stop playing, play the fifth plead.
It do what Laura said, which was just be really honest and say like it happened before I met you, and then I just felty hard and there was no coming back and I didn't want to lose you, and then all of a sudden, thirty six months in the past, like just explain it like that and beg.
It meant nothing. It meant nothing, and you know, I mean, it's so hard because sometimes we do things in our past that affect what we want in the future without doing anything wrong, you know, like without ever stepping a foot out of place. You having sex with the brother two weeks before is just hugely unfortunate timing and you have done absolutely nothing wrong. So I just don't think you need to wear the level of anxiety or where the level of stress, or feel as though you're living
in this huge amount of deceit because you're not. I understand he would want to know. I understand like I would want to know if Matt had had sex with my sister, I'd feel like that was a betrayal. But the thing is is like the relationship, I don't know. Fuck, it's so put yourself in that per relationship.
Matt came out now and said I wouldn't want to know now, but I not want to know. Yeah, okay, you don't want to know, but someone's told you you know, wouldn't you feel the ultimate betrayal?
It's such a tricky one. You wouldn't be like youte, guys love that for you. Do you know what? I would not care as much now as what I probably would have in the past, obviously, because I'm married, and my relationship feels very secure. But if Matt was to turn around and be like, hey, I had sex with a sister X amount of time before we got together, you wouldn't care. I would care. I would care. There would be a part of me the cap. I'm not
going to leave my relationship for it. Well, no, it's not. The problem's not the sex. It's not talking about who would you be more mad at. Would be more mad at your partner or your sister?
Probably for me, I reckon, I carry yeah sister because they're my best friends.
Yeah, and I can understand why a partner didn't say it in the beginning, because they're trying to impress you. They want to be with you. But I would be confused as to why my best friend didn't say, Hey, that guy that you're dating, I also say with him, just like the time you started dating someone and I was like, hey, I also slept with him. Yeah.
Weird that the brother was like, yo, bro, I fucked her.
He probably has forgotten. He probably forgot. Did not forget. I've forgotten. Some people have been inside me. They've all Oh that is so concerned. Okay. Question number two also has two Okay, anyway. Question number two wrong with you too. I have never you remember the name of every single person you've had sex with. Every single one.
It was two weeks prior. It's not twelve years you two. Oh my god, question number two. I can't deal with either of you.
Okay, question.
I've been with my partner for six years and we have a twelve month old. Today he had a serious talk with me about being present and how much I use my phone. He works full time and I'm the primary caregiver. When he gets home, I get to have my break, so I enjoyed my time going on TikTok and Instagram and just scrolling.
I'm really feeling the mum guilt? Now?
Am I being a shit mum? How do I approach this conversation? I mean, you're the mum here.
I know you're not being a shit mum. I think like, okay, let's unpack this. Are you on your phone all the time during the day when you're caring for your child? Are you using your phone constantly? Is your child constantly trying to get your attention? Because at every moment when you're not interacting one on one with them, you're on your phone. If that's the case, then yeah, absolutely you
need to look at your phone usage. And you know because kids connect with us, and I know, for example with Malea Lola, I know when I'm on my like you could be playing, but really you're like half playing and you're on your phone. Kids know that you're not plugged into them. They know that you're not engaging with them, and they act out when you're doing that. When you're like half paying them attention but you're obviously more distracted and more interested in your phone, they feel a sense
of rejection. And I have definitely witnessed that in my kids, and I'm super conscious about not if I'm giving them my attention, they get all of it. If I'm on my phone, my phone gets all of it, and I go into another room and I don't try and do the two at the same time. If your partner is not seeing the mum that you are during the day when he's at work, and the only time he's seeing it is when he comes home, and then you're opting to be on your phone, that doesn't make you bad mum,
of course not. It just means that you're wanting some downtime. So the solution to this, I think is really simple. I think the solution is, hey, honey, when you come home from work, can you take the kids for forty five minutes. I'm going to go for a walk. You don't have to go for a walk, just leave the house, leave the environment, and go and sit in a park
on your phone for forty five minutes. And the reason for that is is because as long as you're in the house, as long as you're in the same room as your kids, your kids are going to want your attention, and they're going to see that you're on your phone, and your partner's going to see that you're ignoring them and you're on your phone. So this issue is being created by perception more than what you're actually doing. So I think just take your forty five minutes of alone
time and go and do it outside the house. It doesn't matter what you do, do pilates, watch TikTok for forty five minutes. Who fucking cares, But like, really allocate that time out or do it once kids are in bed.
I agree, but I don't think you need to leave the house if you don't want it. Like, you're allowed to go on your phone at the end of the day. I'm wondering if when I read this again, I'm wondering if also your husband might feel like he hasn't seen you all day either, so he's just.
Gotten home totally and then you're on the phone.
So I wonder if he's actually like, I want to connect with you as well, like you're not even talking to me, you're not listening to me. Whereas because you are the primary caregiver stabbing the dark here, but he might not know just how much you're doing all day every day with the kids, and he might not know quite what that involves on a mote.
There's absolutely no way that he knows. That's the thing. The person who's at work, So and we say this, man, I say this all the time. Whoever goes to work and doesn't have the kids has the easier day one hundred percent of the time because being stuck at home and I shouldn't say stuck, it's not stuck, but being at home with children all day every day is unrelenting and it is extremely exhausting work. It's rewarding. We all know that, but like we cannot deny that it is fucking hard to.
Well, that's why I'm thinking that maybe it's a bit of a b to be so he might not realize how much you just need a break because he might not look at it like you've been at work for the last ten hours, So he might be like you've just been at home.
You know, and he wants you. He wants to have a conversation with you about your day and his day and connect. But that's also why I say, I think it's really good to have a conversation about carving out that forty five minutes or an hour and leaving the house, because the thing is is everybody sees screen time as a really negative thing. It doesn't always have to be a negative thing. Sometimes it is a great way of
just completely disassociating from what's going on around you. It's a great way to kind of just like, Okay, that's my downtime, that's my mental literally like my numbing mental meantime. And it's okay to have those moments. But if your partner is feeling like he comes into the room then he asks you a question and you sem me ignore him, or the kids are asking you things because you're doing it around them, the easiest way to combat that is just to go away for forty five minutes and then
you kind of have your cup field. But it's when you take the break and you go, I'm doing ten minutes here on my phone, ten minutes here on my phone, twenty minutes here on my phone, that it seems like you're never off your phone. That's the problem. If you do it all through the evening with little chunks, it gives the perception that all you are is on your phone. There's also I mean, we might be.
Going off piece here, but there's nothing worse than when you're talking to someone I'll say a partner now because we're talking about that, but.
Even a friend, anyone.
When you're trying to talk to someone and they're on their phone, and if it's something like even if it's mundane, it's a problem, but if it's something quite deep and serious and someone's on their phone, it's so offensive because.
You're like, are you even listening to what I'm saying.
So when it's a partner two you haven't seen all day and someone's trying to talk to you and you're just looking down like mm hmmmmmmmm, like you're going to start an argument at some point.
And that's the thing is though, is that you can't even get into those deep conversations because when someone's on the phone, it's such a ball for communication and contact. Matt and I have a system now in our house because for me, I work on my phone a lot. So I am on my phone so often. Yeah, you both do, yeah, And the reason for that is because I run my emails, I run Tony May from my phone. We do all our podcast organization and whatnot from phones.
So like, I'm on my phone so much. And definitely there has been a time where not so much in terms of the kids, but in terms of Matt and my relationship. He has felt a sense of rejection because I'd be on my phone doing something and he would ask me a question and I cannot multitask in that way. Like if I'm doing something on my phone and someone's talking at me, yeah, you can't. It doesn't go into my brain. I'm responding, but I'm not actually communicating with them.
So Matt and I now have a system where if he can see that I'm doing something on my phone, he'll say, I need to ask you a question. Can you let me know when I can speak to you? And then it's a very clear, put the phone down, and we have a conversation, and then I can go back to whatever I'm doing. But it's the trying to multitask and you physically can't, your brain cannot do it, and so you're giving literally ten percent of yourself to your partner or to your kids whilst you're scrolling TikTok.
Yeah, And sometimes I think, as like everyone try and keep this front of mind for the next week. Sometimes you'll pick your phone up when someone's talking to you.
You don't even have anything to do.
Sometimes you're just you'll see the person scrolling or something on Instagram, and you're like, you're not even urgently doing anything.
It's just a habit that you pick up your phone and you're open TikTok. I would actually say that that's more often than not. We are so conditioned to have our phone in our hands. We're so conditioned to just open an app when there's no other stimulus, or if we've checked out of a conversation for a couple of seconds. It's so second nature to just be like listen and scroll at the same time. And I think if you're really conscious about that behavior, you start to realize just
how frequently, so many people do it. But at the end of the day, no, you're not being a bad mum.
You've been a normal human that has worked their us off all day with their kids, and like any other normal human, you want to switch your brain off.
How do we do that?
We scroll aimlessly on our phone. We do whatever we want on our phone, So you can totally you're not doing anything wrong. It's just about fitting in with others around you.
Can. I also say on this like I think sometimes because like mum, gil, you can't escape it. You're aways going to feel it about something. Right now, Someone's always gonna say something. Yeah, someone's gonna say something that triggers in you that a fuck. I haven't been doing the best job I possibly can do. None of us are doing perfect parenting, not a single person. My parent Dolilah pree Keisha does too because she has a fifty percent of the joint. Yeah. But like, guilt is such a
great motivator for changing behavior sometimes as well. So if you are now that you have thought about it, you're gonna be so much more conscious about your phone use. And that doesn't mean that you can't use your phone. Doesn't mean you're not entitled to Instagram doesn't mean you're not entitled to sit on social media because God knows fucking mum's need the downtime more than anyone. It just means you won't do it around your kids, and that's
great as well. All right, last question. There is a girl that I used to be quite good friends with now not best friends, but we were close. Her and I had a falling out about a year ago. It resulted in me blocking her on social media because of some really nasty things I found out she'd been saying about me. I've been trying to get pregnant for about a year and a half. Now I'm having blood tests and I'm trying to work out why my partner and
I can't seem to feel pregnant. Over the weekend, I saw some mutual friends posts that this girl I used to be friends with was pregnant. They were at what looked like an early baby shower for her. I am fucking livid, to the point where I understand it's possibly irrational, but I can't help the way I feel. It is the only thing that I have been able to think about. I am so angry that this person who was horrible to me, seems to be able to have the one thing I want most in the world. Do you have
any advice on how to get over this jealousy? I am a mess and I don't feel like I can say this to any of my friends because I understand how horrible it is that I am reacting this way. It really sucks. It really sucks. Are you being irrational? Yes? Are you being irrational? No? I think there's aspects for both. I understand it's not only irrational is the right word.
The only reason I don't know if irrational is the right word is because I think when women are overly sensitive or have strong emotions, we often say irrational, but you'd never say that about a man who was upset about something.
Nah, I know what you mean. This is irrational. I think you're more mad because.
You hate her.
It's not just because one of your friends is pregnant, but it's because you have this hatred of her and this dislike and it sucks to even see when you're in that position. It sucks to even see your friends falling pregnant and you're happy for them. You're so happy for them, and you are allowed to feel sad at the same time. But this is hurting you way more because you hate her. But that's not fair on you.
So you need to try and find a middle ground where you don't have to be happy for her, but you've got to try not to let it affect you so much. You're trying to focus on you right now and your fertility and falling pregnant. And from what I have been told from when we've spoken to fertility specialists, stress can have the craziest effects on your body in all sorts of mediums, in illnesses, in fatigue, and sleeping,
in fertility. So I don't know how you can get around this, but I think you really need to block that out and put your blinders on and just focus on yourself for the moment. Again, you don't need to be happy. You can be sad because it fucking sucks, like you want something so bad and when you feel like you're doing everything right and it's not falling into your lap and everyone else is getting what they want. You know, with what you think and about trying, it's not fair, like life is not.
It's not fair. It doesn't follow a linear logical path. But I mean, I just want to go back to this thought on irrational because I actually hate the word in this context. So irrational not logical or reasonable, that's
the definition of it. The feelings that you have are logical, I think, and are reasonable, and I think you can give yourself grace to feel the way that you feel, because you know it's hard enough, like you said, Britt, to be happy for someone who you love, even though you know you're gonna love their baby, even though you're happy for their happiness, you're happy for their fertility when
you're someone who struggle with infertility. It's already hard enough to be happy for other people alongside your own sadness, But being happy for somebody who you hate, who has caused you pain. I think that that is why you know when you say irrational, that is why you feel this level of like this is so fucking unfair, And I think it's okay to feel that way. And yeah, maybe your friends won't understand it and you don't need to talk them through it, but it doesn't make you
a bad person because you have those feelings. The only thing that is the really horrible part of this is that the way that you feel doesn't affect anybody else. But you exactly, you are hurting yourself by feeling so hateful, by feeling so envious, And jealousy is such a shit emotion because it fires you so much inside, it takes over, it takes over your mental space or your energy, and yet everybody else around you is unaffected by it, and you're living within this fury and you have to live
like that. The person that you're jealous of doesn't and they don't receive any of that, they don't understand it, and then it's like the toxicity lives within you only I think in this instance, I mean, it's so amazing that you're going you're doing all the fertility treatment stuff, but I think it's also really really important to go and do all the mental health stuff that sits alongside it.
Go and speak to a therapist, go and speak to a counselor speak to your family and friends about how fertility is affecting you, because I think that once people around you are very aware of it, they're also more sensitive and how they have conversations with you about it. But I mean, I've had two miscarriages, but I've not struggled with infertility. But I can only imagine how that
affects everything. When the one thing that you want and you see other people having it, I can only imagine how that affects your day to day thinking.
I mean, one of my best friends had what they call unknown infertility. So they did all the tests and there was literally the doctors were like, we don't get it, Like everything's great, levels of great, blood's a great sperms, great counts, great, you just have something that's called we can't finger on it. And it was all she wanted. Like I cannot stress that enough. As long as I have known her, she was born to be a mum.
And it took them a couple of years of you know, fertility treatments, and they finally felt pregnant.
And I was witnessing that.
I was very close to her, and all of our other friends were falling pregnant, and so I know firsthand what it felt like from her because I was with her every day with the tears, with the you know, she came to my fertility appointment as well, and there's nothing else to say. Then it fucking sucks. But all you can do is focus on you. And I think something that might help is you actually don't know if this other girl has also been struggling, Like, you don't
know what her journey was. You don't know if it was an IBF baby. You don't know if she was trying for years, or if she's miscarried in the past, or you really don't know other people's stories.
And one thing we do know are.
The statistics that infertility or fertility problems are far higher totally than everybody thinks.
I'm so happy you said that, Britt, because I think you see a pregnancy announcement and you don't think about what went into having that happy baby. And often people don't feel comfortable sharing their fertility stories because it is so personal and it's so painful for so many people, and we can think everybody else has it so much easier. You're like, why was it so easy for them? You don't, You don't know, You really don't. And I think the best thing to do in your situation now is to
avoid triggers. Avoid things like social media triggers. Block people who and I'm not saying block anyone who's having a baby, but in this instance of this girl, like you can mute the things that might come into your feed and ruin your day. Do you know what I mean, Like, don't go looking for things that you know are going to make you sad and block or mute things that you know. If you're having a great day and then all of a sudden you see that pop up on
your Instagram, it's going to affect you. We really have to take responsibility for the stuff that we consume that hurts us. I mean, yes, and of course there's limits to that.
Like you scrolling social media, you don't know that the next picture is not going to be a pregnant person.
Totally.
Absolutely, there are things you can put in place, But I mean to sum it up, you're absolutely entitled to be upset because it's a really upsetting thing and it's a very stressful thing.
But I also think, like you know, I know, we've said it, this whole idea of giving yourself grace, allowing yourself to feel the feelings. But know that fucking corny and cliche, But in a year's time, you're not going to feel the same level of rage towards this person,
or jealousy towards this person. Jealousy, just like every other emotion, fluctuates the way that you feel right now, is not going to be a constant, and I think that it's okay to ride this wave and know that in a month or two months, or what however long it takes you, you're going to start to feel better about this situation.
It's so important for you to do what you can to focus on you and not worry about someone else's journey.
Easier said than done.
But however, you want to do that, whether it's talking to your friends more so that they understand more, so maybe they don't drop these things, they don't ask these questions.
I don't know if your friends are across.
Your fertility journey, but if they're not, it might help you to talk about it, and it might help them to be more hyper aware. Because nobody ever means to offend you ever, but if they don't know, they very well could say something that will trig.
You totally totally. And also, like you can people can put up stories and exclude people from seeing stuff. Your friends, if they go on to baby showers and whatnot, and they know that it's a trigger for you because you've told them, they can put up stories and they can exclude you from seeing it, and like that would be better for your mental health.
Idea anyway, guys, good luck anyway.
That is it from us, Done and dusted. If you have a question which you would like us to answer for, ask gun cut, slide on into the sexy dms and it's very sexy. You know what. If you've got a sexy one, we love the sexy one, love the sexy ones. Slide on in and ask the question and you may feature on next week's episode. You can also join us at Life un Cut discussion group on Facebook or at Life un Cup podcast on TikTok and Instagram.
Don't forget toy, Mum, tell you Dad, Tell dot to your friends and share the love because.
We love them. The Batan were based