Hi, guys, and welcome back to another episode of Life One Cut. This is Thursday's down and dirty, spicey edition. We call this bad Boy Ask Gun Cut, and this is where you're writing your questions and we do our best to answer them.
I'm Brittany and I'm Keisha, feeling in for Laura.
We have another little appearance by producer Keisha this week. Unfortunately, guys, Laura was a little bit under the weather this week and she just wasn't able to get here for this episode.
But she sends her deepest condolences. But we have Keisha.
Kisha, You've made a few appearances and we absolutely love having you, so thank.
You for joining us today. Thank you for having me.
I am very excited because it's breaking up the monotony of my boring as shit life right now in lockdown.
Well, I mean this is my first question. How are you? How's things things?
I mean, I mean, I'm filling in for Laura, so I probably sound really similar to her where I'm like, it's a real wave for me at the moment. Some days are pretty low and some days are okay, and I'm having a pretty good day today. I feel like I listened to Tuesday's episode with Hugh from The Resilience Project, and I was like, Yes, this is exactly what I
need to listen to you right now. I'm feeling good and I have had one kind of spicy thing happened in my life that I have been dying to tell you about, and I've deliberately tried to keep my mouth shut and not tell you when we've been talking normally so that I could share it on the pod.
I love this, and I love that we do this, Like obviously Laura and I do this all the time, but we're like, we really want to tell each other something, something funny has happened or something We've had this question that we want to ask each other, but we do our best. We're like, we can't tell you. We've got to say before the podcast because you genuinely want the real reaction. But I'm here for this, Keisha. Let me live vicariously through you back home, like you're living vicariously
through me. What has been happening? What is so spicy that you couldn't tell me?
So? I have been set up on a date.
Very exciting, right, Yes, Okay, I remember those days. This is exciting, This exciting time. But you know what setups can be. I don't know how I feel about them.
I'll wait to you tell me your story, but I don't know how I feel about them, especially if they're a blind setup.
So I will give a little bit of context. As some of our wonderful podcast family know, I am living at Britt's house while you're away. I'm currently sitting in your lounge room.
It must be kind of weird for you. You literally have taken over my life. You've stillid in with Laura, with Laura and Matt all the time you're in my house, You're opening my packages.
That's true. Look lockdown when you live alone. I think for anyone living alone right now, they would relate to the fact that it can be pretty bloody lonely. And I am quite an extroverted person. So I have been struggling a little bit. And I've been talking to one of my friends who lives in Queensland pretty much every day on the phone, and the other week kind of been talking to her about how much I've been feeling quite lonely and whatnot. And I feel like I'm getting
better at it. I feel like I'm starting to manage the loneliness, and she was like, do you know what I actually thought of this today? I have a friend that lives a couple of minutes away from you. I think you're really suited to each other. You both are going, you're active, you're extroverted, You've got similar interests and whatnot.
So you both want to get down and dirty, you both want to feel in sometime. Absolutely hot girl summer copy, hot girl waxed and vax summer.
Waxvaxed and ready to climax.
She said, here, let me send you their Instagram account and you can follow them. So the Instagram account was sent to me and I looked at the profile and I was like, oh my god, you're so right, Like they look freaking awesome. Let me slide into the DMS. You know, I'll make the first step. As it turns out, Britt, I've actually been set up by a friend to make a friend. So it's not quite what you're thinking.
Oh, it's a friend set up. It's a friend day. Is it a male or female?
It's a female. And I'm straight and I'm experimenting. I'm not curious.
You're straighty one eighty.
Yeah, I've moved here a few days before we went into lockdown. So in our five kilometer radius that I'm allowed to exercise in, I've got a.
Total of three friends, and Laura is one of them.
Yeah, I don't know very many people around here. And like I said, I've been spending so much time, you know, working from home and living alone, and I've kind of just been like I need some human beings in my life. And so my friend has like set me up with her friend and we started messaging on Instagram and then we started texting, Oh my god, this is so cute, and we met up the other day. I was walking down to our meetup spot and I was thinking at the time, my god, this feels so much like a
Hinge date. Like I wonder if she's gonna like me. I wonder if she's gonna think I'm cool.
Is she gonna think I I look like my pictures? That's actually what I thought.
I was like, Oh my gosh, this person has only seen my Instagram, and like, I am so much hotter on.
Instagram that what I am. Particularly right now.
Because it's been nine weeks since any place that looks after me has been opened. My eyebrows are growing out of control.
How ridiculous are women that this is what we're thinking about.
You've been in lockdown for nine weeks, You're going stir crazy. You need a friend.
You're on the way to meet just a friend that someone has introduced you to, and all you can think of is like, is she gonna judge my hair? Is she gonna judge my eyebrow? Hi, I haven't got a tan on. I look better at my phonos. We're so silly.
I saw her standing there, or what resembled her Instagram, and I went up and I was like, Hey.
I'm Keisha.
Like, it's nice to meet you.
And for someone who is usually quite confident, I was like, oh my gosh, I have not been in this experience for so long. Anyway, I hung out with her. She's a freaking legend. She is intimidatingly fit, and so now I feel like I've got a train and get fit up before I can go and exercise.
With Yeah, welcome to BONDI. It's like when when you get a cleaner.
Every time I get a cleaner, I have to clean my house before the cleaner comes.
It's like I want my house to be clean for them. It's the same thing. You gotta get fit before you can hang out with a fit pit one.
Hundred percent and so yet to have friend date number two, but I'm very much looking forward to it, although I'm not sure whether I should text her first.
Like this is very much reminiscent of the dating game.
You're still waiting, still waiting for the text, like I had a really good time today, Like, let's do it again soon.
I want to freak her out. I don't want it to be like, Okay, you're a bit weird and you're a bit full on.
But I have a total I mean, now I have four friends in my five komita radius.
Now I love that. For you, it's increasing exponentially.
I have gone on a friend day before so and it turned out very successfully. The same sort of a thing without the worldwide pandemic and lockdown, et cetera. Happened to me probably Actually I'd only been living in Sydney for probably six months, right, I'd moved from Port mcquarie, and there was this girl that I knew in Port McQuary.
Her name was Kate. I'm just gonna out hi, Kate, if you're listening. We went to the same gym right. We went to the same.
Gym for years, but we never spoke a word to each other. I thought she was a bitch, because she was, but it turns out she just painfully shy. But she just never wanted to make eye contact with anyone. She never spoke to any one, and I just I was like, oh, I just assumed she thought she was too good for everyone. But she's the most beautiful human. And this is why you can't judge a book by its cover, because she was just painfully shy. Like she was just a really
shy girl. Anyway, I moved to Sydney and then after about six months, I got a message from someone else that I went to the gym with that I was friends with, and she was like, hey, I know this is a super random, but you know, okay, from the gym, she just moved to Sydney. She doesn't know anyone, you know. I just thought i'd let you know she's moved not far from you. And I had just moved to Sydney six months ago alone as well. I didn't really know anyone, so I knew what it was like. So I was like,
you know what, Instead, it was set up. It was like if this is a number in case, like I thought you guys could hang out. It might make it feel good. I totally didn't have to, but I was like, I know what it's like. Even though I think this girl hates me, I'm still just going to reach out. I'm sure I'll never hear from her. So I shot her a message and I was like, Hey, it's Britant from Port, like from that gym that we went to for two years and never spoke to each other.
I was like, hey, it's britt.
Look such and such said that you've just moved to Sydney. I'm in a suburb over. This is my number. I know what it's like. If you ever want a friend or something, you.
Know, let me know.
Think you know, I'd never hear from her. Ten minutes later, she messaged me. She's like, oh my god, I would absolutely love that.
Can we meet? And I was like, okay.
We met the next day, and then I like flash forward five or six years and I'm am seeing her wedding. We're still best of friends, all from this one little friend date.
So I think that, like, hats off to you.
This this stuff really does work, and it's so hard to make friends.
As an adult right.
Like one hundred percent. And I mean I've moved around the country a number of times. I've moved internationally as well, and I've had a couple of these situations, Like every time that you've moved somewhere new, you kind of have to re establish yourself. You've got to re establish a friendship circle, and it can take a while, and particularly in times like we're in right now. I mean, it's not like you're meeting people through hobbies. And that's what started the Life Uncut meetup groups.
You know.
It was people kind of saying I would love to meet like minded people. I want to make some friends as an adult, but we can't have them right now where I am because we're in damn lockdown.
No we can't.
But they are speaking of the grooves like that was the next thing I was gonna say. They're still going on in all the places around the country that are in lockdown. They're still doing these meetup groups and we're getting tagged and send photos of you guys hanging out all the time. And I'm talking twenty thirty forty people
getting together. So if you guys are listening right now, and maybe you want to line up some new friends for when lockdown finishes, or maybe you're not in lockdown at the moment, jump on the Facebook discussion group if you're not already on there, because there are so many people having Like on last weekend gone I think it was in Brisbane or the Sunshine Coasts. They had the girls had this big pub crawl. They all dressed up. It was absolutely amazing, like I was so here for it.
I saw that, and to be honest, I was like, ugh, fuck.
You guys, that looks like so much fun.
I stopped living your best life what I would do right now.
But in all seriousness, I am actually so grateful of my friend that has set me up on a friend day. So if you have a friend that's in lockdown and you have another friend that exists within their kind of area, tee them up, set them up on social media, make them be friends.
Be sure. I thought you were just about.
To say so, if you guys have a friend in Bondni, please send me their number, send me up. I was like, you're really putting the call out all right, Well, Kisha, I'm glad you're making friends. I feel like my little girls.
I've sent it a preschool and she's making friends. She's like spreading wings.
Before we get in to ask and cut, which we do have some really great questions, We've actually.
Got one that I'm like, poor, I don't know how I feel about it. It's tricky.
But before we get into that, last time you came on as a co host, Keisha, we had some comments on the Facebook group that said, like they're all positive, but they said, it appears that Kisha and Matt have both hosted this podcast multiple times, but neither of you have shared your own accidentally unfiltered. Now, every guest we ever have on the podcasts, we have one rule, and it's like, you've got to spill your most embarrassing moment, you know, the drill.
Keisha.
Somehow you've managed to get away with it, and I don't know how that slipped by my radar, but today's the day.
Do you have an accidentally unfiltered for us?
Look, it was definitely deliberate that I got away with it, because I'm kind of one of those people that I feel as though sometimes I read because I go through our Instagram messages as well, and sometimes I read people's accidentally unfiltered. So I'm like, why are we embarrassed by that? That happens to me all the time.
Same sometimes people write that, and I was like, far out. If you knew my life, you would feel so much better about yours.
One hundred percent.
So, to be completely honest, it was through listening to Tuesday's episode of Hugh van Kilenberg from The Resilience Project that made me kind of I feel as though, if I'm being completely honest, my mind blanks out a lot of the embarrassing shit that happens to me, so that I'm like, that happened, I'm going to forget about it so that I don't have to live through that trauma ever again.
Same, I feel like, how am I thirty four years old and I'm still getting flashed? Like you just said, something happens. I get a flashback of this mortifying moment, and I'm like, how have I gotten to this point of my life and I've forgotten that?
Well, it was through listening to Tuesday's episode that I was like, oh my gosh, I fully forgot that this happened to me. So for my accidentally unfiltered it's quite innocent and quite sweet. So for this we're going back to year seven, and I actually remember at the time, you know when you go to high school. I went to one of like one of the high schools where a lot of the primary schools from around the area
combined to go to the one high school. So there was like two hundred and fifty kids in my year, and I was so stoked with how many new boys there were.
To look at and to like. I was like, yes, we're in Heaven's seven. Anyway, I ended up having this big.
Crush on a boy and I'm gonna name him because you know, I have no idea in Australia where he is or what his life is, but he's was Heath.
But if you're listening to Life on come find him shot.
Anyway, Heath and I were in the same music class, and back in the day, I was quite a good pianist, so I was pretty good at the piano. I was thinking I was on like grade five or grade six by this point.
Anyway, Heath was a really.
Good guitar player, and so, in what I thought was just the most genius way to flirt with a boy at the age of thirteen, I was like, how about if I teach you the piano, you teach me to play the guitar.
And he was like, yeah, that sounds cool.
So we struck a deal, and on this particular day, we were out the front of our music room. And now that I'm telling this story, I can quite literally see it, like I can see all of this happening, almost like it was in slow motion. You feel the mortification, hmm. So I had no idea whether he had a crush on me. And I had liked him for ages. I'm talking like months and months and months, and I just
had absolutely no idea how he felt about me. So we were sitting down and he was teaching me some basic chords on the guitar, and he was teaching me how to strum, and all of a sudden, he turns to me and he looked at me and he said, do you know you're beautiful? And I felt like I just froze and my heart was raising a million miles an hour, and I was so shocked.
This is the cutest thing ever.
And I was like, oh my gosh, that is like the sweetest thing you've ever said to me. Like, to be honest, I really like you, and I've kind of wondered whether you felt the same way about me, and I went on and on and on about how I really liked him.
He turned to me and he looked really.
Confused, like he had a full frown on his face, eyebrows pressed together. He looked at me and he went, no. I meant, do you know the song You're Beautiful? The one by James Blunt? Like the guitar cords are really easy, and I.
Was gonna teach you.
How to play it, and I was like, I want to die. I felt like a turtle that was just pulling at every single limb into my shell.
And I was like, how do I get out of this scenario?
Because it is so obvious that this boy does not like me and I've just confessed my love for him.
This is so good because when you tell the story.
I was just like wow, Like what a mature conversation, Like do you know you're beautiful?
Oh my god, I was wondering how you felt about me too. I was like, what year seven? I mean like, if I told you what.
I was saying in year seven, it was on a whole nother way of length. Keeter, that is so embarrassing, Like that is dead'st really embarrassing.
It was so embarrassing. He did not like me. He did not have a crush on me. I never dated the boy, and I'm not even sure if I ever spoke to him again.
After this, I was like, screw your piano lessons.
I'm out.
That was the start and the end of our band. That was it. You never made it.
Still to this day, I did not know how to play Your Beautiful by James Blunt the guitar.
All right, let's get into some questions.
I'm going to kick start question one with one that I have pretty strong feelings about. It's like, Keisha, I'm going to be interested to hear what you think. So, my housemaid is sleeping with a married guy, and it makes me incredibly anxious. I have grown to absolutely resent her. It's been nearly two years since they've started seeing each other. His wife is so gorgeous, and they have been together
for nearly ten years and married for about three. I know her only from Facebook, and she actually works with a good friend of mine. Facebook's talking here, That's how I know. I just wish I could tell her from one woman to another. It absolutely kills me what they are both doing, to the point where I leave my own house when he comes over, and will literally go and hang out at the park up the road alone
until he is gone. He will come over during the day, sleep with my housemate, and then leave our house just before his wife returns home from work. I'm then left to comfort my housemate when she gets upset, but also I'm now the only person she talks to about how much of a great guy he is, so I have to sit there and listen to this. It's absolutely zero of my business, but to think another woman is out there oblivious to her douchebag of a husband drives me
up the wall. Now I don't have any proof, and he has told my housemate that he deletes everything from his phone every day. I know it's none of my business, and I don't want to come in between someone's marriage, but I just can't handle it anymore. My housemaid is under the impression that he'll leave his wife for her, lol, as if we all know that's never going to happen. I used to feel sorry for my housemate because she was so clearly in love with this guy. She's completely
fallen for him, and he's manipulating her. She's equally in the wrong, though she knows that he's married, and I don't want to be friends with someone who's knowingly doing that to another person. I don't know where these strong, resentful feelings have come from. I've never been cheated on. I've never had anything like that happen to me personally, I mean, a happy, healthy relationship of my own. But this just makes me so anxious. I guess my point is do I just stay out of it? So many
other people know what they're doing. They know the married guy, they know this girl, they know the wife, yet no one has said anything to this wife. I guess I just want to know what do I do now. That was a big, big question, but I felt like there were a lot of parts to that, so I wanted to read it or I have some feelings, but Ke, she can give me your feelings first.
My main feeling is sadness. I feel so sad hearing that story in this scenario, I mean, I kind of immediately think about how the wife would feel, and I think the fact that this has been going on for two years, and I mean, we don't know the nature of their marriage. By the sounds of it, because he's deleting everything. It doesn't sound as if they've worked out that they're okay with the relationship being open, and that
they're okay with them sleeping with other people. It sounds like this is a cheating scenario, And I just think about how I would feel if I was the wife, and not only have you got betrayal and you've got your husband that you've been with for ten years cheating on you, you also have all of these people who know about it, and that is so humiliating and it's so hurtful. As the wife, if I'm putting myself in her shoes, I think I would like to know.
Okay, there are a few aspects to it. Let's just start with the friend. She doesn't want to be friends with this girl anymore, can't be around her. She doesn't know if she should speak to.
Her about it.
I think you absolutely have done your part as a friend. This is I think this is unacceptable behavior. I don't think. I don't know how people can don't do in this. Imagine if your partner was cheating with someone for ten years, like, imagine if that was you doing that, and this girl is doing that to someone else's family. So I think straight away, this girl is in the wrong. What she is doing is wrong, and you're right, Keisha. We don't
know the situation. We don't know their marriage, but what we do know is they are married and this has been going on behind the wife's back for two years, so we know that it's wrong. If this was me, I don't think I could be friends with this girl anymore. I don't think I could, but I would have to have a really I don't know if you have had the conversation with her.
It doesn't sound like you've had It.
Sounds like you've actually been a good friend and it's been comfitting her when she feels down, you know, after he comes fox her and leaves, which you know he's obviously manipulating her enough to make her feel like he is going to leave his wife for her. But the fact is this has been going on for years and he just comes over in his lunch break to have sex. Like pretty big red flag here that he's not going anywhere, He's not leaving his wife.
You sound like you've been a good friend and you've been comforting her. I think the time has come. I know I wouldn't be still there after two years. I would be really honest to.
Say I can't condone this anymore, and I can't comfort you anymore.
I would be very honest with her.
I would say, as your friend, I'm going to just tell you this guy, this guy's not going to leave his wife.
You need to realize how you're being treated.
And quite often when you're in a situation like that, you don't see what other people are seeing. You know, love is blind. There is a saying love. When you're deep in love, you have the wool pulled over your eyes. You don't see what other people see, and you see what you want to see, and you feel what you want to feel.
So this girl.
Thinks that she's probably met the love of a life and he's going to leave his wife for right. But I can tell you he's absolutely not going to And if he does, do you want to be with someone that you know is cheated on their wife for two years? Just think he's going to do the same thing. I think you are completely in your right to extract yourself from his friendship. And if I were you, I would move out. You don't have to be her housemate anymore.
You don't have to see that. You should never have to leave your own house for hours because someone else is coming into your house and made you feel uncomfortable. That was another big thing for me, that you have to leave and sit at the park up the road on your own for hours because he's come over to have sex. Absolutely not, So that's my first thing. Definitely, you need to say something you can completely extract yourself from the situation. You need to make her see what
she's doing from an outside perspective. A. It's not right to the wife and the husband like, it's not right to that family, and B it's not very fair on herself because she can't see what he's doing to her. She can't see the manipulation.
So I mean, in that scenario, you're saying, like, remove yourself from the living situation, which is pretty annoying but doable. And I mean I guess she would probably feel in that situation though, that she was kind of enabling it to continue, right, because if she removes herself, she kind of removes the accountability. This other girl is going to get another housemaid in who doesn't necessarily know the situation,
and the same things probably going to go on. So what do you think she should do about that situation?
Yeah, when I think about look, if I was the wife, if that was happening to me, I, from the bottom of my heart, one hundred percent would want to know, I would hope, especially if all these people in our group or extended group knew that there was an affair going on for years.
If I found that out and knew that no one had.
The balls to tell me, I would be I would be upset, I would be angry, I'd be embarrassed, I would feel everything.
So I would want to know. Now, having said that, it's still.
Very hard to be the person that goes and breaks that news to someone you know.
This kind of makes me think of a situation that
happened to a friend of mine. Her partner had cheated on her, and an acquaintance of hers had become aware of it, and she actually had proof of it, and this acquaintance decided that she would reach out to one of our friends that she knew was really good friends with the person whose partner was cheating, and she said, hey, look, I don't feel as though I know her well enough to be the one who breaks this news to her, but I feel like I know you, and I feel
like you know her well enough, so I'm going to kind of leave you with this information. I don't want anything more to do with it, and you can decide what you want to do with it and whether you want to go to her and tell her, and you
can kind of facilitate that exchange of information. And I think that that was a really kind thing for her to do because she was kind of like, I want her to know, because she deserves to know, but I want her to find out in a way that's not going to be really embarrassing and very humiliating for her, thinking that everybody in the whole town knows, you know, because this acquaintance knew.
Yeah. Look, I've said this on the podcast before as well, And this is why I find it so difficult. That exact thing happened to me, and I was the person that knew, and I was the person that went to my friends that were friends with this girl, and I just said, look, this is the information. You guys, decide what you want to do with that, because I don't know this girl, but I know that this is happening.
And I knew. It wasn't just.
Like a query. It wasn't like oh, a rumor, like we knew what was happening. And I was like, I just know that it wouldn't be great coming from me because I don't know it. I also don't want to be involved in it. But I just felt like I had to do something because I thought if that was me, like I would just be mortified. I say, I gave my friends the information that were really good friends with her, they decided that they should tell her, and let me tell you, that just fucking blew up in my face.
That was a drama for the next year because I found out the information had come from me and someone else and there are other people involved, and it just gets messy because you get whether you want it or not, you're going to be dragged into it. So this is something I always tell people to think about. For this girl. Yes, you're gonna want to go and drop this bombshell, but that's not all it is. You don't just go and say, hey, your husband's cheating bye, like that's not what it is.
You will be involved in that.
Then they'll want answers, they want to know how, There'll be constant questions, they'll big phone calls, and it's just something you need to remember that it's not just gonna be something that you waltz into and save someone's relationship, and she's going to say thank you so much and walk away, and it's going to be very explosive and there's gonna be a lot of repercussions. So for me, I wouldn't be personally running to the wife to tell her. I would start at the source. I would start by
maybe you can tell him straight away. Maybe if he's coming to your house all the time, you're completely entired to say, you know what, guys, I'm sick of this. You've been cheating under my nose and I don't want to be a part of it anymore. So you need to sort your shit out. Go and speak to your wife or someone else will like you could always just say that even though you know that you're not going to go and run to her, you could just put him on the spot and make him feel like.
The toad that he is.
And then if he keeps this up, maybe things are going to implode. But this is your home, and this is the thing that mortifies me. You're uncomfortable in your own home. You don't have to leave your own home and you don't have to feel mortified and anxious every day because of what is happening in your own home. Speak to your friend and tell her it's not on anymore. Tell her he's never gonna leave. You can give her
some tough love, like that's what friends do. If she disregards everything you say and there's no respect and she continues what she's doing, well, then you know that the friendship isn't what you thought it is, and you know that the friendship's over.
That is what I would do.
Oh, girlfriend, I do not envy your situation one little bit. Like this just sounds like the most fucking awkward thing that you're ever gonna have to deal with, and I wish you all the best. Honestly, I am scratching my head at this.
Just case's just like that's it.
I'm not even sure what the best. I feel distressed by this story because I'm like, I don't even know, I don't even know what I would do. I don't even know, like what the best way to deal with this is.
This is awful. I don't think i'd run to the wife.
I think i'd deal with it with my friend and him first, and then I just leave the situation. And then if down the track you feel like you still want to. Maybe you can do what we just say, and then you can tell some of her close friends. If everyone else knows, maybe you can all just get together and be like, this has got to stop. We need to tell her, But you know, can you please keep us posted with what happens with this, because I really want to know who do you confront and what is the outcome?
And or do you just move out run to Alaska? Either way, let us know what happens.
All of a sudden, she's camping at the park up the road and she's like, I have moved out now I live here.
Thank you by pretty told me I had to leave.
Now I live in a Tanning bomber.
Well, if you're looking for a friend, I'm in the market.
I'll set you up on a friend day. You can have a double camping O gosh, okay, question number two for you.
We just had a weekend away at a house overlooking the ocean with my friends. My best friend brought along her new fella who I hadn't met before. He was super friendly. He made a really nice effort to get to know everyone. However, I'm noticing so many red flags, partly because I was in a previously toxic relationship, and I've noticed that she's making the same excuses about his behavior that I did. He suggests clothing that she should wear to show off her body, tells her not asks
her to cook dinner. She had a sexy photo she sent him with his friends, just to name a few. I desperately want to tell her how I feel. However, my partner, who is really amazing, thinks she needs to work it out for herself. What do you think I should do? She seems really happy, and I'm just kind of avoiding spending time with her because I'm not really sure what to do. She used to spend a lot of time with me and my partner, to the point where we joked that we were a thropple, But now
I feel kind of awkward. Should I tell her about these red flags?
Oh? This is hard? Have you ever not liked one of your friend's partners. I think I've.
Usually been the one friend that has gotten along with most of my friend's partners, whereas some of my other friends have not gotten along with them. So I've kind of always tried to play devil's advocate or kind of be like, oh, you know, they're not that bad. But in this scenario, I actually have a bit more experience from the other side, where I was the one in the pretty toxic relationship and my friends could see the red flags and came to tell me.
About it a lot. And so they told you.
Well, I think I kind of might have a little bit of different advice in this situation, because what ended up happening. I mean I was with someone who was just a pretty fooful human being, to be completely honest, who was just like spitting out red flags like they were going.
Out of fashion, and you're like, cute flags. I was like, I.
Can fix you, no problem.
And so my friends, oh my gosh, they just hated this boyfriend of mine. They were like, he actually is a bad person. He treats you terribly. He has done ABCDFG that are wrong to you. Why do you keep on going back to this guy? Why do you keep forgiving this guy? And to be honest, their advice was completely sound, and their opinions and their perspective was very correct.
It was just that I loved the guy, and like you said, love is blind, and I wanted to believe that he was better than what his actual behavior was. And so what ended up happening was that I actually started to feel quite isolated. I felt like I couldn't talk to my friends about, you know, when I was having problems with him, because they would be like, yeah, we know he's a bad person, why you're still with him? Like we've been telling you for months to stop being
with him, and you're not listening to us. And what they were saying was completely fair, But I think I needed to get to that point where I saw the red flags and the bad behavior for myself. And I'm absolutely not blaming them whatsoever. I just started to feel as though I couldn't talk about it with anyone anymore because they were sick of hearing about it, which is fair.
So I think that if you do decide to talk to her about the red flags that you're seeing, just be aware that she might not break up with them. And I would suggest kind of telling her that regardless of whether she stays with him, you're still gonna be her friend and you're still gonna be there for her to talk to you about whatever's going well and whatever's going on bad in her relationship, because she will probably
need someone like that if things get worse. I might have advice that people don't agree with either, But I would let her unless she's in immediate danger, unless he's unless he's actually like physically or super emotionally abusive to her, and there's just some flags that you.
Don't agree with.
I would let her try and work it out on her own for a little while, because you do worry about exactly what you just said, Keisha, that you'll isolate her and she won't feel like she can come to you when she actually needs to. So what I'm saying is give her a space to work it out and
let her come to you. So if eventually, which I'm sure she's going to, because we can't be blind to this sort of behavior forever, Eventually, if you're that good of friends with her, she'll come to you when they've had a fight, or when he has treated her badly, or when he has done something, and she'll want to talk about it. And that is your opportunity to tell her how you feel without putting all on her, and she won't feel like she's attacked, she won't feel like
you've come to her. She's come to you with her issue, and that is your time to say. Now that you say it, I have actually noticed there are quite a few things that I just don't feel right, like have you noticed? And then maybe it gives you the opportunity to start the conversation. She'll feel a lot more comfortable in talking to you if, like I said at the start, if it's a lot more serious than that, and you were deeply concerned for her one hundred percent, like that's
what a friend is. You definitely go to her and you tell her the truth. You say, this is what I'm seeing, Like are you okay? Is there anything you want to talk about? And then you open the lines of conversation for that. But this is really tricky, and I think you need to trade carefully. And this is what I do for every single person that writes in a question. I put myself in their shoes. Imagine you
just got a new boyfriend. You were pretty in love, you're pretty happy, you're seeing where it goes, and then all of a sudden, your friends came to you being like fucking hate him, Like what are you doing?
Leave him?
You'd be like WHOA. I can tell you right away, you'd be on the defensive with your friend and you'd probably drive you closer to this new guy. Because you're going to be very protective of him. You've got those lust feelings and dolphins are going this sex is probably great, it's new, it's exciting. You just need to be really careful in those early days because you can definitely drive a wedge in the friendship.
Yeah.
I completely agree with that. And also when you're in that situation, you're the one who's like, no, but I see the other side of them too.
You don't see how sweet he is to me in bed. You don't see that he brings me here.
Yeah.
Yeah, we've all been there. We've all bloody been there.
Dud after like my ex had another relationship for two years. I was like, yeah, but you don't see when he buys me a coffee.
Brittany like, who are you okay?
You know?
I was like, it's so easy to be pulled into that.
She's in a new relationship, she's bound to have a problem sometime relatively soon. We all have these little like hiccups in these situations, and I think that maybe when she comes to talk to you about the first one or the next one, that's when you can kind of be like, hey, look, also something that had happened previously that I've been thinking a little bit about I'm not sure if you've been thinking about it, but I noticed this and I want to know how you feel about it.
Maybe you can ask her whether she's been aware of these red flags and whether you know she feels the same way as you do. But I think the most important thing in this situation is to reassure her that you're going to be there to support her.
Yep, yeah, that's one hundred percent. That is like the takeaway case. So that's a really good point. Is just to whatever you do, say, make it like one of those little sandwiches, like we say a compliment sandwich, but make it a support sandwich.
You know, you know I love.
You, but this is what I'm seeing from him, This is what the way I think you are with him, This is how he is with you.
But I'll always be here for you. So a support sandwich.
Should we go on to question number three? Question number three. I've been with my partner for five years, my first and only relationship. I've always felt that he wasn't the one and then it wouldn't last. But all of a sudden, we've been together for five years and I'm twenty seven and I don't know what to do. I sort of just don't even know how we got here. I do love him as a person, but I'm not in love. There have never been any incidents or big fights seat
of life to a breakup. My main concern is that we're just very different people with very different values. The thing that concerns me the most is although he treats me well, he has a general lack of empathy and compassion for others and is financially unstable. He earns a good salary, but he spends it all on unnecessary stuff. Being kind and empathetic is important to me, and it's
how I would want to raise my future children. I'm worried that I'll just co through, get married, end up unhappy because I didn't want to do the hard thing and break up. I'm also scared of being single, and I'm worried that I am expecting too much help. Oh my god, girl, you are not expecting too much.
No, and scared of being single? No, I have so many no feelings.
Trust me, It's a fairy world.
Right now.
That I was ten years deep, I was the ambassador for bumble. You are preaching to acquire I was on a bus stop for bumble, So I feel.
You ambassador for bumble.
So what this person is basically tossing up is whether you're settling, whether you're going to settle, or whether you're gonna risk it. Are you gonna risk it to get the biscuit? I have been in one long term relationship before greatest guy honestly cannot fault him as a person, And I remember towards the end of our relationship, we live together, and I remember saying this one thing to
my friend. I kind of just wish that he would give me an excuse to get out of this relationship without being the bad guy, because we're not in love with each other anymore, and everything is seemingly fine, and if people asked us why we broke up, I don't even know what I would tell them. But it's not working and we're not each other's person, and I feel like I just I don't want to be the bad
guy who calls this relationship off. And I think this person feels really really similar, like you've just kind of ended up in this situation and you know that this person isn't right for you. This isn't you Guys going through a tough patch and you need to work on it, and you need to put energy and effort into your relationship. You're not going through a rough time, you're not in love with the person, and you've established the fact that they are not the person that you want to be
with forever. Things like how you want to raise your children are such important values that you need to align with because having a kid with someone is a massive deal and you're gonna have to go through that together. So if you're already feeling like you're not in love with this person and that you're not right for each other, I can only see this kind of getting worse as time goes on.
I am a big believer of if it is not a fuck, yes, it's a no.
If you do not feel that.
Excited and passionate about something or someone, Now, this could be a situation or an opportunity, a person, the future, a decision. If you are literally on the fence being like, oh, I don't think like I sort of want to do it, but I don't like then it's not you don't want to do it. The answer is you don't want to it from what you have described. And I feel you because I've been in this situation as well. I think a lot of people have been in this situation. What
you've described is you have a really beautiful friendship. You are in a really beautiful friendship. You are living with a really beautiful housemate. That is a situation you have described. You are two people that like to hang out. You
don't want the same things. You don't see your future, but you love just your day to day and that is why it's so hard to break away from because there's nothing really huge pushing your way, and every day you cose through because you do have fun with that person. You do love hanging out with that person. They are your comfort, they are the known, there are safety. You've been in for five years and you haven't been with anybody else. You absolutely can get out of it. Is
it going to hurt? Yes, every single bone in muscle and organ in your body, because it's all you've known and change is really hard, especially when you've never been on your own. You've only known this one situation and this one human when you were leaving a long term relationship.
It is fucking scary. You're like, what am I? I don't know how to do life on my own? Where do I live?
Who is my support? Who do I bounce my ideas off? Who do I crawl into bed at night? Who do I cry to? Like this is a really big thing, but what is bigger is living the next sixty or seventy years with someone that you never really saw yourself with or wanted to be with, knowing that you could
have changed your path. You could have changed your direction at any time, but you were a little bit scared put yourself In twenty years time, will you regret not taking the bull by the horns, ripping the bandaid off and going after what you really want? If you think that you will regret it, then that's your answer. You probably need to end the relationship with the person that you're not actually in love with and go and live your life. You're only twenty seven years old. You were
so young, and I'm so passionate about that. If you think in twenty years you were going to be ecstatic and through the roof and so in love, then don't end it. But from everything you've said, I think you all I already know the answer. You don't want the same things in the future. You're not in love with him, You've never felt like he was right for you. You've literally said like you're scared that you're just coasting through and all of a sudden you're gonna get married. You're
in control of your life. You were in control of the path that you take. You know the answer, and I think you're just wanting someone else to support you through it. So that is what we're here for. And if you want to do that, know that it is going to be scary and hard and hurtful, but it's probably the right thing.
That was a spiel. I'm sorry. I was very passionate about that.
I did feel like I was.
Kind of in like a relationship coach seminar.
Then it was quite nice.
But I think also you need to remember how much you grow as a human being in the years in particular that she's talking about she's twenty seven. Think about how much you changed as a person from twenty two to twenty seven, Like, it doesn't surprise me that you have different core values.
Oh, it wasn't just my eyebrowser, there was a big change. No, I was a different person.
It wasn't just the fact that I'm move to three day hangovers. During the last five years. Used to about a bounce back like a spring chicken, but your core values change, Like you develop so much in those five years, I think, probably more so than many other periods of five years in your life. Like that's a real monumental time in your adulthood. It doesn't surprise me that you've changed as a person and that no longer do you and your partner's things align. And yet it's gonna be hard.
It's gonna be hard for like a couple of weeks, and there'll be days where you go, oh, my gosh, like something tiny has just happened in my life. This person at work has been annoying. And in this situation, I would usually text my partner and let them know. There's gonna be situations where you go to Christmas and you're like, ah, now I don't go to that family home anymore. There's gonna be a lot of different situations.
But it's better to kind of, like brit said, rip the band aid and suffer a little bit now and have those awkward, kind of lonely times now and find someone that does have the same care values as you and that you are going to be in love with and you want to raise your kids in the same way.
I think it's one of these things where you sort of don't know at the time, but one day you'll be in a new relationship and you'll be head over heels in love and you'll want the same things and you'll be planning your future, and then it will make you realize that what you were going through and what you had with your first partner was a beautiful thing and it was right for the time. But you'll realize why it didn't work once you've really felt what it
is you're looking for. That's a really beautiful thing, and that will help you to see, oh, that wasn't right at that time, and it will make you feel comfort. You'll have comfort in your decision, but until you sort of get to the point where you move on a little bit, you're going to question your decision one hundred percent. You will wonder if it was the right thing. You're gonna miss your partner. It's going to be super tough. I'm not gonna lie to you. It's so hard to leave one of.
Those situations and one of those relationships.
What I can advise you to do is just read through the question that you just wrote to us. Read through it a few times and read it is see if it wasn't you read it as if that was your friend writing that question into you, and what advice you'd give to it, Because I think once you take yourself away from it and look at it from an outside perspective, you'll be like, wow, like.
Why am I in this relationship? Still?
Also silver lining hot girl Summer is coming the world. We are weeks.
Away from living life again and I can't wait.
And you know what, that's probably going to be the best time within the whole last two years to be single, because every single person is just going to be like a beast being unleashed, and you'll be living your best life and most likely hooking up with quite a few people.
Yeah, damn straight. But I don't want you guys to think we're like, oh, just leave, because I would never.
Tell anyone to leave a situation that they were like, you know, I love him, I'm in love with him so much like we would never But you've literally just stated that you're not in love. You knew he was never the one that you want different things, you don't like the same things, Your future looks different.
You're just scared of being single.
That's the reason I'm telling you I think that it's it's not because I don't want I'm not. I'm really you know, I love love, I want relationships to work. But I'm also here to help you, guys. I'm here to give you my advice. And once I read that, my advice is that you absolutely need to leave. And my last thing that I want to say is, do not be scared to be single. It's hard for like a few weeks, and then you're gonna be like.
I fucking love this.
There are so many amazing things to being single, and it's not gonna be forever, so just take it as a piece of time and really try and enjoy the moment. And that is my advice today from asking a part that was a big one. Wow, I felt really passionate today.
Yeah.
We have dived into some pretty deep things today and I'm just gonna say that, I mean, yeah, being single is sometimes great, but sometimes sometimes you're gonna be getting set up on friend dates by your friends.
Guys.
You could end up like Keisha, you could be on a date every second day with a friend. Kesha, thanks so much for coming on the podcast today. We absolutely love having you.
Thank you so much for having me.
I absolutely love sitting down and getting to have a bit of a yarn with you. I really appreciate it. And for anyone that missed last week's episodes, gosh, we dropped so many episodes last week. There were five. So if you were invested in The Bachelor, or maybe you were just more invested in Laura and Matt's.
Batch recaps, which it appears a lot.
Of people were.
Matt and Laura actually sat down with Jay, they sat down with Holly, and they also sat down with Brooke. So we didn't think at the time that Brooke was going to be doing any media, but she ended up actually saying that she would like to sit down with Matt and Laura, and so those episodes are in your podcast libraries.
Matt and Laura just did such a good job on the Batch podcast. If you haven't listened, like there are so many amazing episodes. There's a lot of bands. I don't know who was coming for the information or who was coming just listen to Matt and Laura have it out on the.
Podcast, but they're there. There's a stack of episodes.
If you want to go back and listen, please keep your accidently on filters coming in. You can send them into Life on Cut podcast dms, on Instagram, joining the Facebook discussion group. There is so much that goes on in their questions, funny stories, pictures, updates. It's really Oh there's lifel one cup podcast meetups. There are so much going on in there. It's a really great space. So jump on the Facebook group as well.
While we're speaking of the Facebook discussion group, the other day, someone posted something in there about how everyone feels about giving five star reviews, and she basically was saying, I think it's kind of unrealistic to expect that all these.
Businesses want five star reviews.
And I was like, hellou, just to reminder, if you haven't left the podcast a five star review, we would really appreciate it.
Guys, I don't think it's unrealistic.
Here is that unsolicited? Please?
It actually genuinely helps get into the ears of some people who might enjoy the podcast. So on Apple Podcasts, if you leave a review, that would be a fabulous We really appreciate it, And tell your mum, tell your dad, tell you dog, to your friends, and share the love because.
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