Life on Cut acknowledges the traditional custodians of country whose lands were never seated. We pay our respects to their elders past and present.
Always was, always will be Aboriginal Land. This episode was recorded on Drug Wallamuta Land. Hi guys, and welcome back to another episode of Life on Cut.
I'm Laura, I'm Brittany. Do you just have a testy pop? Maybe I think you did? You like Laura? Well, that's how I feel. Do you know I've been up since that.
You feel like a previous and voyage of testy pots.
We got to really dig deep into that one. I feel like a fourteen year old male male man. Fuck, like, shut up, it's gonna be a long while. But I mean I was since five thirty this morning. Guess what I was doing? Everyone? Did you worry out? Dancing? Dancing, doing the drive? Who wants to dance at five thirty in the morning.
No one, not even my dance teacher who didn't arrive on time because he slept in. I got to the studio and I was like, hey, don't know where you're at And he was like, uh, asleep.
And then and I waited forty five minutes until he got there.
So isn't that the worst thing? When I did it not long ago? Actually, I did it to you. The worst thing when you wake up to a message that's like a where are you message and you're in bed and you're like, holy mold. I love that you say I did it to you recently, because there's not been a time recently where you replied with I'm still in bed.
So I'd love to know when you were just running late to.
No there was member was supposed to be on a meeting and I was in bed and I woke up and the meeting was done, and I was like, so, I was like, so.
Fam I missed the boat on that one.
I slept through my alarm and you guys have finished the meeting and I am in bed. No.
Do you know what my absolute pet hate is? Like that I can handle because that's at least like a reflection of a mistake. My pet hate is when someone says, oh, the traffic was really bad, but they know and you know that there was no bad traffic because you both drove the same route.
Now, that is my The other day, flute fury.
The other day, I was like, they're not going to believe this. I was like, guy, sorry, the traffic's really bad. There was a hectic accident, and I was like, they're not gonna believe it. A whole tree fell across A whole tree fell across the road on to crush the car. It's not funny. You crush the car and you couldn't get up the road. And I was like, I took a picture. I still I'm showing you. But I was like, I have to take a picture because they're not gonna believe me when.
I say the traffic was bad.
When you text us that, I looked at Laura and I was like, oh, she's doubling down.
She's really She's like, oh, there's a tree on the road. That's why I had to take the picture. You scooed it over that.
How's the dancing, Ah, not good. I don't believe it's going it's dancing. It's unmoving my body in the direction of a dance.
How many dances do you know? Three?
Four?
That's pretty good.
I a four four and I'm in the midst of learning my last one. Okay, yes, I know four, but none of them very well. But we're getting there anyway. When I can update you guys properly.
I absolutely will, and I'm sure you're all dying and on the edge of your seats. But anyway, asking cart this is where we answer you your dark and you're burning questions. But before we do, we had a couple of things we wanted to talk about first. Now, the first thing I wanted to say is that there has been the cutest thing going down in the Life Uncut discussion group. We feel so grateful for the incredible little community that we have and for how amazing as community
members you guys are to each other. And there was just the sweetest thing that happened recently that I wanted to kind of touch on.
Now.
Melissa Swansbra she is one of our community members. She posted in the group that her daughter, like her baby, had lost her beloved NONI.
Now, I don't know if you're a mum, you might get what this is.
But like most children get, like really attached to a singular teddy becomes their comforter and it's the thing that they'll you know, take with them to when they go to bear, they take with them to daycare or whatever.
So a comfort blanket blank a lot of kids called a blankie.
A blanky, a comforter, a teddy, whatever it is. So Melissa's little girl lost her comforter, which she calls her NONI. There was photos she basically posted in the group and she posted a photo of her little girl with her blankie and was like, does anybody in the group have one of these something similar? So that she doesn't have to be without her very precious little items.
And to reiterate, she's put photos in of her daughter and since she's a newborn for three years, with pictures of her with this blanket, like it has been stuck to this little.
Girl for three now.
Deborah Carroll, who's another Life on Car community member, she wrote back and wrote, oh my god, you wouldn't believe it, but yes I do. I got three of them from my baby shower a few years ago and I still have two of them brand new.
Now.
The reason why this is so bloody cute is because Deborah went and she sent her these little comforters completely off.
Her own back.
Didn't want anything for it, didn't want even want money for the postage, just wanted to do something that was so nice for someone else. And the thing that we love more than anything is how incredible, no matter how big, how small, how incredible it is that you guys all band together to help each other out. This was just such a little and sweet, active kindness that we wanted to say, you know, we see it when it goes down in the Facebook group, and we are so so grateful.
Well, especially when Debra sent it and Melissa had said, you know, let me pay for the postage at least, like, let me help you out, and she just literally said, don't worry about the money, take it as a gift from a stranger. Buy yourself a coffee instead, enjoy your day. It's just the low key message, just not for attention, it's not for anything else.
It's just because you're good humans.
Over the years, it's been so many small acts of kindness that have gone down in the discussion group, big and small, and so much of it happens without us having to do anything. It's just between you guys, and so we want to say that, even though we know that it takes on a life of its own, we see everything that happens and we love how much you
all support each other. Now, going from the absolute sweetest of sweets too something a lot less sweet, you know, or you might know if you've been following along on the Gram.
It is fashion week at the moment. It is fashion week, and I don't know if a lot of people care or not.
I don't know what the vibe is in Australia anymore, but regardless, it's fashion weeks.
Are you going? Are you partaking? How do you feel about Fashion Week?
Now?
I usually just do one show every Fashion Week. Actually I don't even think I went to last year, but the year before I only did one. Actually just pick one of my favorite designers and I go. And this year I'm actually going tonight just to one show with Kim who is one of my stylist's best friends. And I'm going to marrying Siddiq because I love her, I wear her, and I want to support her as somebody that I know. She's an amazing Australian designer. So I'm just going to my one show.
Well, I think overall the interest in Fashion Week has
truly declined across Australia. I remember, like five or six years ago the media coverage that it would receive the amount of money that was poured into it as an event, the calibra of like as in every single designer would have a show at fashion Week, and now I think over time it has become less and less and that's because like brands have multiple ways now to show and to get their collections out, and also because more brands now are not just doing a summer and winter range,
like a lot of collections are seasonal. They're based on like six week or eight weekly drops. So I feel like the fashion industry has evolved quite a bit now. There's something that happened recently and I had a few feelings about it. Brittain I were talking about it last night and it was all around some leaked DMS between
an influencer and a fashion designer. I feel like if you have been following fashion week over the last couple of years, you probably have noticed that more and more the people who are attending Australian Fashion Week are predominantly influencers. And also there is been this huge shift over the last couple of years where it is predominantly reality TV
stars as well. And I think that in the industry there's a little bit of push and pull between die hard fashion experts and that's what they live and breathe, and then the reality TV people who come in attendance each year.
So the article that.
Came out last night was Carolina. You might remember her from Maths. She's quite a controversial reality TV star and I would say overall she hasn't been the most liked reality TV star.
And I didn't watch it, but I've read a lot about her, and everything I've heard is that it was very controversial, she had the affair.
People don't seem to love her.
I can't make a personal comment because I don't know her and I didn't watch it, but the general feedback hasn't been great around Paul Carolina.
And look, I mean, on one hand, we can say was it the edit. On the other hand, we can say is it her as a person who knows because none of us actually know.
Who she is as a person.
But basically what happened was she had sent a DM to Australian fashion label called Michael Losordo, now a very respected, well to do, very successful fashion label who was putting on a show at Australian Fashion Week. Anyway, the message was this, Hi, team, I would love to watch your show at the AAFW in Sydney on the fifteenth. Is there any possibility I could get an invitation.
Thank you. Now.
This is the response to the lead DMS. Hi Carolina, thank you for your message. It would be, in my view respectful to be supporting and following the brand's page before asking for a free ticket or an inclusion to the anniversary show. Now Carolina went on to write a very big response to this. She wrote back saying, I'm so sorry. I'm more than happy to follow. I truly do love the brand. I actually come to check out
your new posts regularly. Please don't be offended. I only follow three hundred or so people and they're my family and friends.
And then she is.
It's a very long explanation, but basically, she said, the reason why she only follows such a small amount of people is because otherwise she misses those that are close to her, and also because social media for her became a place that wasn't good for her mental health, and so therefore she wanted to keep her following small. The reason why I know in depth the exchange between a fashion brand and an influencer is because these dms, which I would assume would be private dms, were released to
Daily Mail and this was the headline. The headline was leaked emails reveal popular designers takedown of a reality TV star begging for an invite to Australian Fashion Week show before she's brutally turned down.
I think this is so shitty actually, of who of the designer? I think that Okay, let's wind back a little bit. What is happened here?
To summarize, Carolina wanted to go to Michael's show because he's an amazing fashion designer. She obviously didn't have an invite, so she slid into the DMS and said I'd love to attend. He's called her out because he's like, yeah, don't even follow me, so it's a no. But that wasn't enough. He then screenshot it and leaked it. The way fashion week works is, I mean a lot of influences are a lot of people in the public eye or a lot of the fashionists.
They get direct invites from the brand.
The brand will put a direct invite out saying I know I want you there, so like please come.
But for everybody else that wants to.
Attend, because people forget, there are a lot of just people that everyday people that love to attend fashion week because they love fashion. What happens is you register to go. So you register, you fell out a form, you put your occupation, you put what shows you want to go to, and then the brand will then say, yes, you can come.
You can get an invite. So that's generally how it works.
So I think a Michael the designer is obviously a little bit pissed that. He's like, you haven't even gone through the normal route, like you've DMed me directly. He's probably pissed about that, which isn't something in my eyes to be pissed at at all. It's like, take it as flattering.
Why do you think because there's que a rising trend of like influencers being entitled, like brand singing influences are entitled, and therefore they shouldn't be asking for things like it's entitled for them to ask.
So why do you think it's an.
A big deal that she has kind of gone out of her way to say, hey, give me a ticket.
I don't think it's a big deal because I also don't think it's a big deal that he said no. So, like you know, I live by a bit of a motto of like in life, don't ask, don't get right. You can ask, and it can be a no, but you could ask and it could be a yes. But what I don't like here is she asked and it was a no.
That's fine.
He has every right to say no. And at the end of the day, I think he should have said no because she should have been following the brand. There's a simple rule. If you're gonna ask for something, you show you support. If you loved them so much, you show your support. And I say that because I know that's happened to you and I Laura like, we get
that a lot. Even with Life on Cut, we get a lot of people right to us saying absolutely love you, you know, love you both love the podcast, would love to be a guest on there, would love to send
you a product, maybe you can talk about it. And you go on to their page and they don't follow Life on Cut, they don't follow you, they don't follow me, And I'm like, do you even know who we are or are you just going to every like publicity to try And so there's a part of it that I understand why he was like, come on, bro, like at least following me. So that was dumb on her behalf. She should have at least followed him. But I don't see why this has gone any further. I don't see
why this exchange had to even leave the DMS. All she has said is like fucking kissed his ass. All she has said is I love you, I'd love to attend. All he had to say was I don't want you there. No, and you know you probably should have followed me, which is fine. That exchange is fine. Why then did you have to go and I'm assuming sell it, or even if you didn't sell the story, you've leaked it. Why would you go and leak the article for any There's no reason then to publicly humiliate someone.
I have so many feelings about this.
When I read it, I was like, oh, I think it says a lot more about the brand than it does about the influencer, and like, look, this is not us being like, oh, let's support the influencers. Someone protect them. I just think, like, it's very easy to hate on an influencer. And I know, obviously because Carolina Santos. Maybe she is not the most liked influencer after her time on Mass, but she does have one hundred and thirty five thousand followers. Brands use influencers to promote their products.
All brands do it.
It is an incredible effective and very very cut through way of marketing and advertising. So I think it's a bit rich to pick and choose in terms of course, you can pick and choose who you want at your shows, but I think it's a bit rich to pick and choose who you will hang out to dry versus who
you're okay with collaborating with on your products. And I think that the issue for me here is that because she's not liked as a person, it's almost like it's been Green Carter that it's okay to humiliate her, Like, how dare she asks for something? Yes, I agree with you, Rich,
she should have been following the Instagram page. But there's loads of brands that I wear and that I like, and I'm not following their Instagram page, Like I'm not supporting it on Instagram, but I support it with my money totally.
Don't You don't also write to them and ask for something free?
And I'm assuming if you ever did that, which you wouldn't, you'd follow them totally totally.
In flip side to that, I speak about this from, you know, the aspect of someone who has worked in the world of influencing, brands ask for free things all the time, from metaluces brands constantly, and I'm talking like all brands from big to small, email and ask influencers to promote products or do things for free and don't respect that they have a huge platform an audience that is actually their business that they can monetize on. So
I think it kind of goes both ways. And for me, I think if you're a high fashion brand, if you're someone who is trying to cement yourself as being premium a luxurious product, why on earth would you want to get down in the down and dirty of trying to humiliate some influencer. It just makes you look like a bully. I don't think it makes the brand look premium. I think it makes the brand look tacky that you've screenshot
these photos and then published them through Daily Mail. I just I think it to me, the whole thing screens of tackiness from the brand.
Yeah, it's like what I said earlier in the episode when I said if these sort of things hit different in Australia compared to the rest of the world. And one thing I want to add to that is the word influencer in Australia is a dirty word. We don't see it as something that should garner any respect. We sort of almost say it like it's such a negative thing. Oh,
they're an influencer. They're just an influencer, where in other countries around the world it is quite respected and influences are the people that would be invited to the front row of fashion events because the brands realize that these are the people that are actually buying these products, and.
That is the thing.
These are the people that will wear these outfits that the fashion designers are promoting. So I don't understand why there's all this hate towards them, But I thought this was really interesting and I really really liked that she came out and said it. So the ex Vogue editor, her name is Christy Clements.
Big deal. Obviously Vogue is big in fashion.
She has just come out in response to this year's Fashion Week and she said, I reckon they deserve to be there as well, they being influencers. Quote, everyone has the right to participate and enjoy fashion Week. That's not me being woke. That is the reality. Yes, fashion Week is not quite as elite as it used to be. But you know what fashion is entertainment. The audience is just as important as what is on the catwalk, and I personally love to see all different kinds of people
in the front row. Fashion can't afford to be like that anymore. It's a numbers game and it should be so something that is enjoyed by everyone, regardless of what their background is. I think that that is a brilliant statement from someone that is in a respected fashion industry.
Yeah, but I think the big thing that's different about this is that we have people of different calibers. I think because she comes one because not only is it from reality TV, but because she was the reality TV villain, it makes it easier to humiliate and hate on. But ultimately, I think that social media has massively changed the dynamic of fashion week because we do see the very front row is now majority influencers, and a lot of them
have come from reality TV because they're almost instantaneous. Massive audiences that they gain and the audiences that you gain when you've done a reality TV show are hugely engaged audiences. Actually math and now the thing that I think where this whole fashion industry is coming to a bit of a tipping point in terms of like fashion week shows, is that ten years ago, five years ago, it was elite. We used to look in and you couldn't see behind
the wall. It was like untouchable. It was the Lara Bingals. It was all the people who you looked in at and you felt their world is so unattainable to my world. But now it's full of people who you literally know what they had for fucking breakfast because they posted on Instagram.
So the accessibility to it has changed. But I think in this instance, whether you like Carolina or not, this trend of trying to humiliate influencers for asking for something that pertains to the industry that they're in, I think is kind of low.
And we saw it last.
Year with the young girl who asked a restaurant if she could have a free meal in exchange for advertising.
I think it's a bit rich if you have an issue with.
An influencer asking, but there's no issue with a brand asking an influencer for it. I think if we're going to have an issue with it one way, then influencers should also be able to say to brands, why are you asking for stuff for free?
Well, yeah, because you don't see influencers taking screenshots of every brand insane and doc stop asking for free stuff.
Just stopping in because I actually just found this very very interesting. I only looked this up as you guys.
Were talking the website Social Blade.
It is this kind of algorithm program that analyzes the percentage of engagement of influencers, and a lot of the time brands that will choose to work with influencers will check the engagement rate of that particular influencer to see whether their brand being advertised with them is worth it. What would you say would be like a normal engagement percentage for an influencer?
Oh, no, you're asking the wrong person.
I mean around about a three to four percent for an influencer would be worth it in the brand's money wise.
It deemed as high. Yes, it sounds low, but it's actually high.
Carolinas is only zero point six seven percent. So yeah, she's got one hundred and thirty five thousand followers, But when your engagement is zero point six seven percent, What I mean by this is that I think the reason that this brand has decided to release this DM is because I think that they're trying to create the allure that they have integrity that to be a part of that brand, you have to have integrity.
And yeah, but the percentage has nothing to do with integrity.
Well, I actually think it does, because it's kind of her saying, you know, the exchange in that situation is can I have some free tickets your fashion show?
I'll promote it on my Instagram.
Like that's kind of the assumed exchange, right, If your engagement is really low, that makes it less worthwhile for a brand to say yes to that. They're trying to out her, and I do think that they have absolutely tried to humiliate her, But I do think that there is a point to what they're saying. They're kind of saying, like, you're not even following the brand, the engagement that we would get, and also your reputation, these are.
All negative things to our brand.
But what I don't think is dance integrity is working alongside Daily Mail and releasing dms. I think that that so fundamentally lacks integrity that it does the opposite of what they're trying to achieve, which is to say, how dare this influencer think that they're so good that we would give them a free ticket? It's like, but you are so you are so petty. It's definitely not that you released it to Daily Mail. I think it kind of like underes exactly what they're trying to achieve by
being that petty. Ultimately, anyway, before we get into answering all your deeper dark and your burning questions, it is time for Vibe and Unsubscribed, and Keisha has a very good one today.
Also, I just wanted to quickly say, we get a lot of posts, and we get a lot of messages to the Instagram sorry, posting the Facebook group asking like what was that thing that Laura recommended or what was that thing Britt was talking about. I do try to link them in the show notes, so you should be able to tap on the show notes in the episode and actually go straight to whatever the vibe or unsubscribed.
Well, maybe we need to start putting them in the discussion group as well. Oh not a bad idea. Hey, you'll get onto that.
My Vibe for the Week is actually an episode of the podcast The Briefing, and this is with jan Friend, who you might have known if you came to the live show.
She was one of our wonderful guests.
Jen did an episode of the Briefing with a British historian named Cindy McCreary. And do you guys know the show on Netflix at the moment, Queen Charlotte. It's the Bridgeton spinoff.
Sure do, Yeah, it's like.
The number one show, right, So it's all about Queen Charlotte and how she fell in love with King George of England. Now they are real people in history, right, so eighteenth century history. This whole episode, it's titled, was Queen Charlotte, the UK's first Black Queen, and that is because the queen in the Netflix depiction is black. And when Bridgeton initially came out with this color blind casting, everyone was like, this is great, we need more diversity,
blah blah blah. But this podcast episode actually kind of unpacks a little bit more of like the nuance of is it problematic to have a color blind casting when it is so not representative of what actually happened, you know,
the black experience at the time. It also ignores all of the slavery, and she kind of goes into how she thinks these things are really great because they're very entertaining, and it kind of touches on some of the cultural things at the time, But is it problematic to ignore the hardships that people then face.
It's really ignoring the.
Fact that like black people at the time did not have status, they didn't have opulent wealth, you know, that kind of thing.
And it also could potentially run the risk of reshaping people's frame of mind around history, especially people who are viewing it or watching anything about Who's watching Bridgitton though, and then thinking this is it's true?
And I think people know it's labeled as fiction based on fact, and that's where I think it's interesting that they've used the real character names of people who actually existed in history. That's where I think it gets a bit muddy. Anyway, this whole episode goes into the real history of Charlotte, whether she did have African heritage or not. It's just super interesting. It's not like too opinionated. It's not like you should or shouldn't enjoy these TV series.
It's just like you should probably just be aware that you know these things can shape your perception of history. So I really like it. I'll link it in the show notes. Jan Friend of briefing it was excellent.
Well, mine is way less progressive. My vibe this week is called Jury Duty. Now I know you've seen it, Keisha. It is also something that is absolutely trending.
I actually haven't seen it.
My housemate has been watching it, so I've seen bits and pieces as I've walked past the lounge room.
He's obsessed. He cannot stop watching it.
It's on Prime, so Amazon Prime, and if you haven't heard of it, it is. It's with James Marsden as the lead. Now.
I have crushed on James mars my whole life. He's beautiful.
I got to interview over someone and he's just as beautiful in real life. But what it is is it's the inner workings of the judicial system. So it shows you all the jurors. It has bailiffs and judges and the person that's on trial, and James Marsden plays himself. It's supposed to be a real trial. Turns out this whole cast is an actor. There's only one person in the whole show that's not an actor, and that is one of the jurors. He thinks he's been summoned from
the public. He's just an American guy. He thinks he's been summoned and he has no idea that the whole thing is fake. Every single person is an actor and the shit that they that they put this poor guy through the stories and that everything gets so crazy and the whole idea is just to watch his reaction.
It's unlike anything you've seen.
But how it feels like the Truman Show. How on earth could it is? But how can that be legal? In terms of filming someone without them consenting to being filmed in a reality TV?
I actually can answer this. So you have to sign consent after the fact. It's the same with radio. You can record someone without them knowing, but you can't air it.
He knows he's being filmed.
He thinks he's part of a real situation and they're filming it because they are going to show the world what it's like. They bring all these jurism, They're like, hey, guys, we're gonna all be filmed. We're going to show what it's like going through this process. But he just doesn't know that everyone's an actor and he's the only person.
That's not in on it.
So they're like setting him up, so he thinks it's a documentary. But so they kind of throw questions at him and correct me if I'm wrong, because I haven't seen all of it. But like people on the show will be like, hey, bro, I need you to do this favor for me, like I need money or like they basically it's like a human experiment. They're testing how far they can push this guy and just waiting to see whether he'll crack or whether he'll be a good person or not.
I just wonder, like, what have you got to the end of it, and he was like, no, fuck you, I don't want to be the lead role in some TV show.
I didn't know it was being filmed. Imagine if that was the outcome back. I just throwing a couple extra dollars. I'm sure that's what.
Yeah, there's all this stuff on TikTok at the moment though about whether he knew, like whether he is also an actor or not.
There's all conspiracies he's in on it.
A lot of people are starting to say, nah, he's an actor that has to pretend he didn't know. But I don't think I'm I'm, you know, the optimist in mine forever, the optimist.
I want to think that it's true.
Apparently he comes off as just being like the best guy ever he is.
He's amazing.
He's amazing, and everyone asked him to do stupid shit and his responses is always so good, and he's always so loving and helpful, and he's just like, I haven't seen the end yet, but watch it if you're wanting something different and a bit of a laugh. That's Jury Duty on Amazon Prime, not sponsored.
Just love it. Question number one.
I'm getting married in November and some people are assuming they're invited to my wedding. I'm talking the borderline friends that you know you kind of only see once or twice a year. They're saying things like, I can't wait for your wedding. Have you finished the guest list yet? It makes me super uncomfortable because they're not invited, But I don't know how to respond, so I just awkwardly laugh. It was recently my birthday and someone said, I just can't wait to see you walk down the aisle.
But she's not on my list on your Instagram?
Do I need to wait for people's disappointment when they don't get an invite? Or do I tell them now that we don't have enough space? Do I tell them not on my listsl.
How many friends do you have that think they're better friends with you than you are with them.
Apparently a lot. It makes me wildly uncomfortable. IHI, okay, if this was me, actually this was me, this is me.
I did this. I did this in November last year.
Guys, I think you just tell people you're having a smaller wedding, Like, you have to be honest if you're not inviting people in the.
Two hundred people on the Instagram and you're like, but by smaller men, just like small enough that you couldn't be invited. I'm in a small army.
No.
I think you have to be honest.
You can't just not invite them and then wait until it's closer to the wedding and then they've figured it out. Because I did that. And then I had a friend who was like, Hey, when am I gonna get my invite? And I was like, oh, yeah, the invite, So what did you do.
Invited her? See, this is exactly what not to do. Don't follow me Lawa's footsteps. You don't.
You don't leave it so long there so awkward that you have to sympathy invite them.
To be fair, though, it was like literally a week out from the wedding and she was like, hey, was that me? No, oh my god, you got your invite. No, it wasn't even a week. It was like just before.
And I was like, we haven't. Why do you think happened? It's next week.
But also like it wasn't someone who I'd sent a save the date to. It was like a really rogue out of nowhere, Like I understand if you've gotten to save the date then didn't get the invitation in the mail. I was like, I get that, but this was like someone who I had not seen in years, not spoken to in years, and they were from kind of a past life, and they messaged and were like, hey, like can't wait to see you.
When's the wedding?
And you haven't gotten wow a save the date, a message, a call, a conversation. If you haven't got a carrier pigeon, you haven't had a Morse code smoke signals delivered to your house, don't bring it up. Okay Wait I had to even write back, sorry, who is this because I didn't have their number saved. That's how random that one was. Okay, anyway, this is not helping.
De ceased, I feel, so I need to know.
Wait you invited them, well kind of, but then they didn't come, so it all got awkward.
It got so awkward anyway, I'm a conflict avoidant. You know this. Have you spoken to them since? No? I love we'll get into your detrauma. Now let's answer this poor girl's question.
Well, I think okay, I feel really uncomfortable listening to this because I also don't like conflict. First of all, I want to start from those people that are listening. I'm not even going to answer this girl's question straight away. We'll come back to that the people listening, because this goes to everybody. If your friend or someone you know in your stratosphere is getting married, my advice is to never go to them and say I can't wait for
the wedding. Don't ever assume anything because you don't know someone's circumstances. I think the best thing to say is like, are you so excited? Have you picked your dress yet? What are you thinking?
Like be engaged if.
You're a friend, But don't put somebody on the spot and be like, so do I pick my bridesmaid's dress.
Or you for me? Like, don't don't assume anything.
That's where I want to start, like make it easier for the couple getting married.
I think you can assume if you're a best friend, that you're going to be invited to their wed unless they're not having a wedding and they're eloping.
I think you can assume.
But if you're someone who is like on the periphery of the friendship, like it's an acquaintance that someone you see like once every six months, if your numbers not saved, yeah, if your numbers not saved in their phone, if you're not friends on Instagram, I think that you can't just assume. But also that doesn't help because obviously these people have assumed, which just means that people feel like they're closer to you than you do to them.
You have to be honest.
I think you have to say, oh, look, we're having a bit of a smaller wedding, get ahead of it. I think say, you know, maybe we're going to do a dinner beforehand. We'd love you to come to this or something. But you do have to be honest because.
Essentially, if they are expecting that they're coming, if they have already brought it up with you and you've laughed it off or whatever, that almost solidifies to them that they are coming, the fact that you didn't say anything in the first place. Send it, don't save the date, send them a card that's like, don't worry about saving this.
You'll be free do whatever you like.
A laugh off is an acceptance. Basically you've accepted their RSVP. When you laugh, you accepted their RVP. So now you need to unlaugh and probably tell them and just explain. You don't have to be honest, like you're not close enough to me, but you can say, we're really tired with numbers. I would love if you want them to would love you to come to like the pre party, whether that's the hens or maybe you're just going to maybe you throw a little get together before for people
that can't make it. But I think you just really need to be honest because economically, there's a lot of reasons, but economically we don't live in a time anymore where you can just say, oh, I just add these people onto the wedding because I feel uncomfortable because it's weddings are so expensive, and when you're paying for people per head, you want to make sure that you're filled with people that you genuinely really want to be there and it is your day, and you do hopefully only have one
of them, so you need to be pretty true to yourself. But the longer you leave it, the more chance you'll have.
Of any number. Like Laura, I.
Want to say something from my own experience, because I am so deeply conflict avoidant that by avoiding conflicts or things that I perceive as being conflicts, I only make the situation worse.
Like I'm avoiding an email at the.
Moment that I should have sent three months ago and it would have been completely fine at the time, but now when I send it, it's going to be a problem.
And I know that, and so I'm continuing to avoid it. You did that with your wedding as well. I remember we had this convo on regarding your wedding dress. Oh yeah, about my wedding dress.
Ye.
I don't like disappointing people, and so therefore I delay that conversation so much. But there comes this tipping point. The tipping point is when you delay something to a point where it becomes so much more of a big deal. And I think the thing is is once you've sent out your invitations and then someone kind of assumes they're coming, but then they don't know they didn't get an invitation. Now they feel like you haven't spoken to them. It
just creates a bigger situation than necessary. And I think the easiest way to get on the front foot with this is just to put on your big girl panties and say to your friend or whoever it is you loose acquaintance. You know, I would love for you to be able to calm, but unfortunately we have to keep numbers small.
And I hope that that you know, I hope it doesn't upset you.
But you know, if we could have you there, we would love to have you there, little white light, even though you don't.
Want them all to send you a picture. Yeah, And I think that that's the easiest way of going about it.
But I think don't ignore things so much that then they become bigger than they need to total.
And I speak from experience. It's bad idea.
Anyway, I feel like that that is kind of the best advice we can give on this question.
Number two, hit me, what would you do in this situation? Our next door neighbor is a sex worker, and we have a four month old newborn baby. Read we are sleep deprived exhausted, overwhelmed all the things. We are on a first name basis, but we don't know her that well. She hasn't explicitly told us that she's a sex worker, just that there has been a ramp up in the number of people coming over to her place and there is sex noises at all hours of the day and night.
So we went looking on Instagram and found her professional page. We aren't prudes and don't have an issue with sex work.
It's just really, really really loud, a lot of banking, a lot of whipping, and mostly a lot of loud moaning. Our units share an adjoining wall with our bedroom where the baby sleeps in with us, and the garage where we figured out some of the action takes place, is basically less than ten meters from our bedroom window. This is a problem because on the rare occasions we get to sleep, we are now kept awake by the noise. I'm conscious it's her job, though, so what can we
do vice versa. I'm sure a crying baby probably isn't the best for her business.
Help what is this alution? I think definitely like this works both ways. A crying baby's killing her vibe as well.
And I'm sure that the sexy noises are killing your vibe when you're trying to sleep and with your baby. I think the sex part probably has nothing to do with it. The sex work apart. I think it's the fact that there is someone working from home that's obnoxiously loud. Like if your next door neighbor is in a band and they're practicing on the drums all day, or you know, or DJ deck that's trying it's the same thing.
They're working from home, but it's interrupting you.
Or if you're just like your neighbor's just gone into a new relationship, is bang until the cows come home?
Being allowed about it same thing.
I think the only thing you can do here, apart from moving, which you probably don't want to do, I think the only thing you can do is what you do in this situation, like literally take away that the fact that it's sex work. You can write a note or go over and speak to them and maybe talk about a way that you can both work around it.
Are there different hours that.
You could both do, or is there a way that maybe you can explain that it's keeping your baby up? Can you keep it down between ten and eleven because it's the only time that they have a nap. Like, there's definitely ways. Again, I really think the sex part has nothing to do with it. I think it's just your next door neighbors really loud. You can have that conversation because we have people the time writing saying that they slip notes under their neighbor's door.
Because they have sex too loud. Like there are always these kind of things.
Yeah, but I think it's a bit different when like you can't say, hey, can you work around and not work these hours because I guess like she's probably on call or they're probably on call for the time that's needed, you know, I mean, like they're not gonna be like, nah, do no work between ten and you.
Know, maybe she could line up the orgasm part for like the nap time, so like climax at the peak naptime.
Maybe make her aware that the acoustics in the apartment aren't great so she could get some more soft furnishings.
Maybe, like that could be a good solution.
You can't put soundproofing in probably wouldn't look great.
Like you're fucking in a studio.
Yeah, like you have soundproofing in here right now? Like it's just foam. You could add a little bit of extra soundproofing. I reckon this could go a long way for lots of different reasons. Make it feel like a bit of a sex dungeon.
Look, I think you hit the nail on the head though in respect, like because on one hand, yes, she's keeping you awake, but I'm sure if you can hear her having sex, she can hear your screaming baby, and that is probably just as frustrating, if not more frustrating at times as well. But I think that you probably can't do a hell of a lot. I looked into this because I was like, can you run sex work from your own house? Like, is there some sort of
legalities around this? But it turns out as a sex worker, you can run your business, You can work from home as a sex worker. He just can't do it if there's multiple people, So multiple sex workers working from the same home, because then that kind of blurs the lines as to what constitutes a brothel.
So you can still do an orgy.
If there's only one paid sex workers, all right, because there's multiple people there, but there's only the one worker.
I did not look into it, but that's a high level detail.
What I do.
What I mean is is like, for example, if we both were sex workers, we couldn't live together and both work out of the same apartment. Like you can't live with a friend and both do the same thing, because it's so weird.
Why is that?
Because then it turns into potentially a brothel, like the rules around it are kind of shifted. Anyway, Look, this is very top line guys, I'm giving you right now. This is not the high level information, but the reason why I wanted to look into that because my very first thought was, oh my god, are they allowed to do that, Like you're in the middle of suburbia?
Is that legally okay? But it seems like it is.
I think the best thing that you can do is go and get yourself like a white noise machine or something that's going to interrupt the noise from within your bedroom. Can't control what they're doing in their house and they have to make an income that you can control what's going on in your apartment. So maybe you need to figure out if you can get better soundproofing in your apartment, or maybe you need to get a white noise machine.
So at least if you know they're going the whole hog you can't hear it.
I agree, but I still think you can have a conversation with your neighbor. I think you can still say, hey, is there any way we can work around or like, talk about the noise.
I don't know if you know it's good for you, but it's really loud. But what are they going to say because they can't really say to their clients, hey, could you just keep it down a bit? I know you're having good time and you're almost there, but ca me.
Just I mean, what if there's a small chance, small there could be a small chance that they don't actually know how far the sound is traveling next door because some buildings have great insulation and some don't, so there is a small chance that they have no idea. Maybe if you tell them, they're like, oh my god, I'm so sorry. I didn't know that you could hear every single thing.
You don't know.
So I always think it's best to have a conversation at the start. I'm not saying this is an easy conversation, but it is so all good. High Sorry, I just want to let you know I can hear you spanking yeah.
Time ten o'clock that you whip. You got going great guns, but it's fair. Yeah, what do you got to lose? Try and think of what I'd prefer like as my neighbor.
If I would prefer a baby next or crying all the time, or sex all the sex?
I prefer sex.
Yeah, I'd rather way where I listen to that as like my bedtime lullaby than a screaming baby. WHI Yeah, I would have no issue with listening to other people have sex, but listening to someone else's baby scream through the night gives me wild anxiety.
And also because.
I'm now attuned to crying baby, so it wakes me up instantly.
If someone was having sex, I'd be like, what's that noise? What is that for? Bad? That's an unrecognizable sound? Have I made the gates of head? Is there a rhinoceros in the backyard? What's going on babe? Anyway? Okay? Next question, what kind of sex do you have? Okay? Third question?
Are terms of endearment in the workplace ever appropriate? I work closely with the team of five people in an organization. My colleague often calls me duhl and it makes me feel very uncomfortable. But she never calls anyone else from my team. This only me and it started approximately three weeks after I started the job, when we had a disagreement about something. Am I being ridiculous? Is this actually normal? Are my feelings valid? I don't know how to address this.
She's currently going through a very tough time in her personal life, and I feel like if I was to broach this with my manager, it would not be received well. I think it's also important to note that she is young, so it's not a generational habit.
I call everyone terms of endearment. Is this feels very appointed? I call everyone like, No.
There's different terms of endearment that hit differently. I'm a big love, Hey Love, Hi Love, I do.
It all the time. Do you think love is on equal par with Dahl? Though? Hey don't.
Yeah, Love and Dahl they both seem to condescending. But Dahl and sweetheart, I say, Han.
You're a big Han. I've started.
I've started saying Han because of you, and I don't like it. Hey Han, I say to Keisha now, But Keisha's the only person I say it too, because she's our only employee's my friends, I think because you say it so much it's started to come out of my mouth.
And I did yesterday and I was like, I don't like that.
I think it's fine verbally, but when I see it in message, because I know you guys, I know it's not patronizing. But if someone I didn't know that well called me han, I'd be like, fuck off.
I say lovely, though in message I change it, I say Hanna or lovely.
Hi lovely.
I think if the person's younger than me, it's super weird.
The thing is, it is very patronizing. And I was always brought up that way that you respect your elders, and calling your elders Dahl is patronizing.
That's the way it was brought up, and it does.
If somebody younger came up to me and said, hey, Dahl, it's fine, but I'd be like, I don't know about that.
I don't know the situation. I don't think it would be intentional.
I don't think she started saying it after a disagreement, is in like I'm gonna show you Dahl.
I don't think it's like I'm gonna get you back, dull. Do you know what it could be the absolute opposite.
You may have had a disagreement, and she may be trying to compensate and make you feel that. She doesn't want you to misinterpret her. It doesn't want you to think that she doesn't like you, and so therefore she's almost going a little.
Bit too far.
And now you feel like it's been done because it's a very I mean calling someone dal or calling someone hunt.
That's not the first point of call.
If you hate someone, you I mean like, you're actually not going to do that if you dislike someone. If anything, if you dislike someone, you're probably more inclined to not give them any term of endeement at all. So I feel like she may be doing it out of a way to try and like overcompensate for a disagreement that you've had, and you've interpreted it as though it's patronizing. Potentially, I'm potentially looking at this as Devil's advocate.
What this is about is you don't like it. It's making you very uncomfortable. You've literally said very uncomfortable. So that's what you have to address here, is you don't want to be addressed like that. Outside of telling her that, I don't know what you can do besides sitting down and saying my name, Sharon, like, call me by my name.
I don't know what else you're gonna do, Like, can I okay?
Speaking of experience, I am someone who is guilty of calling people not by their name.
I always call people hun or lovely.
I don't think I use dial but I always use terms of endeement in a patronizing way, or if it comes across as patronizing to someone that's been interpreted as that. The intention behind it was never to be patronizing. If anything, it's almost to like fast track a friendship. That's I guess for me the reason why I would do it. But I think for ninety percent of people it fast
tracks the friendship. And maybe for ten percent of people who don't know me, who maybe have interpreted me not the way that I intended it, maybe they think I'm being patronizing. And I also think it depends on the position of power that you hold in the role. This happened to me in radio and you were there, Britt one of our co workers. I called him buddy, and that in no way Kesha's like laughing. I was like, hey, buddy,
thanks said like that, and he sham, thanks muscles. Oh, see, I would never call someone champ and I would never call someone muscles. But like buddy to me is that didn't even register that that was bad because like I, for example, wouldn't like being called legend.
I find that much. I called the same guy you called him buddy.
I called him legend and he liked legend, but he didn't like buddy, and I find legend patronized, so I think it's very very subject. His response was, hey, don't call me buddy, and I was like, cool, never will again.
And we had a laugh about it, but he loved Ledge.
We had a laugh about it, and that was it, you know, And now you know, we became Instagram friends and I was like, hey, Buddy, how you doing. But isn't it very interesting though that one person was fine with Ledge but they weren't fine with totally. It's all very personal, and I think ultimately, if you dislike a term of endearment that someone's saying, regardless of the intention behind it, it's okay to say, hey, can you not call me dahl?
I don't really like it. It makes me feel a little bit weird.
It's so fine to say that, And I don't think that that needs to be confrontational. I didn't find it confrontational. When in my workplace someone said that they didn't like being called buddy, I just went, yeah, no worries, and I've never called them buddy since. If something makes you uncomfortable,
it's okay to verbalize it. I don't think you need to go to their manager or to HR because by doing that you're escalating a situation and making it seem like it's ten times worse than what it really is. I think the first point of call is just the next time she says it, just turn around and say, it makes me feel so weird you call me dahal. Can you just call me Sarah. It's all you have to say.
Just say, hey, my grand calls me dall. It's weird when you do it.
If it is something that makes people uncomfortable, just say ninety percent of people are fine and ten percent of people are uncomfortable. By terms of you know, names of endearment in the workplace, Do you think it should just be a blanket rule that we don't use it, because I think we're trying to now assess does this person like this?
Does this person not like this?
Do we think it's just a bit inappropriate and maybe we have become too casual with our work colleagues.
I don't think it's the sort of thing that you can put into every work contract ever, that it's like, don't ever use a term of endearment. I don't think that's it. I think it's just going to have to be a tone is going to have to be set by the management at whatever job you partake in, and they'll set the interactions at work by the way that they behave the way the way they speak to you, by the way they address you in emails, by are you going out and having this really close intimate.
Relationship outside of work.
I don't think it can be a blanket statement where no one in Australia, in any workforce can use a term of endement because workforces are so different, Like, look at the way we work together. It's different to when I worked in a hospital, for example, Like you wouldn't speak like that in the hospital. You would never go and have a conversation with a surgeon and the operating theater. I wouldn't walk in and say, hey.
Han were ready to cut and open and get this gall bladder out? Or what like you would conversation.
So I think it's it's hard to say it's a blanket rule, and it's got to be something that you feel. I definitely don't speak to elders in that way because I was brought up and I feel like it's patronizing, so I would never do it.
I completely agree.
I think it's the level of professionalism of the workplace almost entirely. So like if you work in law, if you work in like a more professional environment, I.
Think that in terms of endearment would be a no no. But I mean we will talk about our sex lives for a job, so like of.
Course it's a little bit more accepted for us to just be more casual with our language.
I've just pictured like there's been a court of law and they're like, han, I disagree, Like they're putting their hammer down.
It's not even a hammer, whatever it's called.
But I also think it depends on the person who's saying it, Like let's picture it was a Let's say, was one of our male radio bosses, who's you know, in fifties or sixties here coming and calling me hey han blah blah blah. I'd be like I don't really know you that well, Like I feel like it's a little bit weird that you're calling me that, whereas with you guys who are my immediate bosses.
You would call me that and I would like it. I don't think it depends on who it is. I also think it's like anything, it's the way you deliver it.
Like you know, in Australia we always use this as an example, but mate, the word mate can mean ten different things.
By the way you say.
You can be like mate, mate, don't fuck with me, or like mate, like you know what I mean. It's the way you deliver it. And I think Han and Duhl is the same thing. It's the way you deliver if you're like, hey, Han, just wondering are you going to be coming to dinner tonight, or like Han, I told you to get those documents to me at three o'clock. Where are they? So it's definitely it's a multitude of things. But at the end of the day, I don't think
that's something that we can police. I think it's something that comes down to the individual and you feel uncomfortable in your environment by this particular person, so just tell them.
I don't think it has to be as big a deal as you think it is.
But then it comes back to the same thing that we talked about with the wedding invitations. We're so conflict avoid it, and we're so worried about saying something that's going to upset someone, So we just write in.
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