Life un Cut acknowledges the traditional custodians of country whose lands were never seated. We pay our respects to their elders past and present.
Always was, always will be Aboriginal Land. This episode was recorded on drug Wallamuta Land.
Hey guys, and welcome back to another episode of Life on Cut.
I'm Brittany and I'm Laura, and I am having a breakdown, just.
A small one. Okay, that's not a joke, she actually just did. It's not I'm not joking. I just had a big cry before. Everything's on fire the world, lover.
I know we joke about how like chaotic things are.
You know, you would think that over the years we would have gotten better.
Today we had to record this on Tuesday because I'm heading to towns Will to see my dad as his seventieth birthday.
Happy birthday.
Who has never listened to an episode of this podcast, never will entire life.
Thank god for that.
But that's because he lives on an island with no service, no Wi Fi, no home phone, no running water.
My dad would.
Live in a an a tent if he could, Like he'd live in one of those rucksack things.
Do you know what my favorite thing about your dad is like you've spoken about you dad a lot. He's an amazing man. He spent many years serving Australia in the Army. My favorite thing is his obsession with the Koalas. So this my love Terry loves Koalas.
Terry for President might no not Terry for president. Terry has PTSD from serving in the army. No Terry for like Koala president. I mean, like the very short version of my dad's story. Dad was a sniper in the Australian Army, worked in secret services.
It is it's wild, it is actually wild. It's amazing. And he then.
Really struggled with PTSD like a lot of people do who are ex veterans. And then he decided he wanted to be on his own and live on an island. And he lives on Magnetic Island Townsville, where there's a very small population of people and he doesn't have to talk to anyone and he just lives in a little house with his dog. And we're gonna go and celebrate his seventieth birthday. So this is going to be so much social interaction for him. The whole family's going.
You need to you miss the important part was like his connection to the koalas.
Oh, and there's lots of koalas. That a clamitty of free on Magnetic Island. It's the only chlamitty of free population in Australia.
Did you know that?
Yeah, And your dad, Terry does a lot of charity work and like raises money for koalas and it's really cool.
He's like king of Koala's over there. So the only time I really hear from my dad, like with any sort of consistency, is when he's like, hey, Laura, there's a fundraiser for the koalas.
Hey Laura, I took a photo of a koala in my backyard.
But we I'm about that because the koalas are endangered and we are losing them a lot, and I think it's really important that we do everything we can to keep them alive.
If you've not been to Magnetic Island, shout out Magnetic Island. It is a fucking beautiful play that is in a time warp. You get onto the island, you feel like you're back in the seventies. There's tiny little minimogs. There's like you can walk down the street and there's a koala in the gum tree just on the side of the road. It's it's a really incredible place.
So I have my new hobby. This is not sponsored by Magnetic Island.
FYI and a committed and let me tell you this, Terry Byrd doesn't want you on his island, but it's a great place to go.
Okay. So my new hobby is that I look at the houses I'll probably never have all over Australia.
Sometimes the world sometimes fun, Bobby, I do the same. I love it. Some of them I could have one day.
And then there are the ones where I'm like, imagine having thirty million dollars to buy this beautiful house. Anyway, I saw a property that I probably could afford on Magnetic Island.
It was it was for sale, and the thought crossed my mind. I was like, do I want Terry Byrd as a neighbor.
I don't know.
He would definitely come over.
You'd find it in your backyard one day and he'd just be digging up sweet potatoes, like, Terry, what are.
You doing here? Terry, They're my sweet potato.
Go back on to you, like I'm trying to fix the fans. Anyway, So that's what I'm doing. That's not why I'm having a breakdown. I'm having a breakdown because we're recording this Tuesday morning. The live show tickets are supposed to go on sale at one o'clock.
They're not. They're going on sale at four o'clock. But that's because, like Taylor Swift, the zite crashed.
You guys jumped on. You were too many of you, which we love, and the site crash.
I wish that was the truth.
The truth of the matter is is that the lack of organization around the announcement of the live show meant that we didn't have the website set up properly.
Yeah, look it's a sinking ship, but come to the live show because it's gonna be way better than the website. Basically, it wasn't that.
It was disorganized, but it was that there were two different parties doing it and everyone thought the other party was doing something and there was a little misshap But it will be No one's going to miss out. I mean people will miss out, but no, you're not going to miss out because of this. They're just going to go live a little bit later. This is the thing, right we talk about on every ask on cunt episode. Communication is key, and this is what happens. Communication breaks down.
Laura cries breaks it down for twenty five minutes before the episode starts. But anyway, I want to show you something live. You know I told you I fell downstairs.
Yes, you're gonna show me your ass, aren't you.
I am going to show you my balm? Can you sign a waiver for me first? Can I sign a consent for Okay, I'm consenting live. Do you want to see my ass?
Yes? I actually never thought you'd ask. It's like I've waited for four years. I've seen your supple nipples, I've seen your soft booth happening in real time. I'm taking my pants off. Keisha is looking offended. Okay, hang on, Laura, I'm going to talk us through it.
Laura is wearing big, baggy black jeans like a It's like a twelve year old skater boy.
You're wearing a g stream, which means you'll probably see my buttholes.
Now you've got undersign, yeah, no, I've got full breeks on.
Thank god, You've got Bridget Jones is Oh okay, hang on, I'm looking at the right cheek. There's basically under it's a great bart but under the button hang on, please quiet as right now quite.
Dry brushing is helping it at the moment.
Laura, quiet, I'm explaining to the people this is not a visual medium, but keep it down, don't play pansa. So basically, some black lacy underas under the crease is a huge I don't know if you can even see that, Laura, that's deep. There are two big bruises, big bruise up the side. You really took a fall. Wow, And it's just the right cheek.
Do you know?
I needed to share this because you know, when you hurt yourself and you don't get any level of sympathy. I've been like hobbling around my house like Matt, my bottom hurts.
He doesn't care.
So I need to show other people my bum so that someone at least goes you okay.
But you like validate my falls. Want someone to say you, okay, I protected my child like a hero. Laura.
I don't think that's about the butt. I think you just need someone to ask you okay and hold you from it. I will do it immediately after this. I will hold you.
The answer to the question is not what.
Oh it's this is a wild intro, but it has been a wild morning.
Do you know what I did?
This?
This is how stupid I am. This morning.
I was like thirty minutes late for our record, which didn't.
Help, or a situation which was fragile already. I left.
I mean, I had one job. I've been talking about this fertility thing that I'm doing. It's only day two and you have to do your injections at the same time every day, like without doubt. You have to do it or it doesn't work properly. Now it's the morning, so this is day two.
Only started yesterday.
I got up, didn't even think about it, truck and drove to work and I was on my way here and I was like, oh my god, I didn't take my medication.
I didn't do the injection. So I had to turn around, drive back.
This is peak hour traffic now in Sydney, drive back, do the injection, get back on the road and come to work.
But like one.
Job, and considering that you've been talking about it so much, right, it's like, yeah, I mean you had one thing to remember, You've had multiple things to remember.
There's a lot going on today.
I'm trying to make an excuse for why I did what I did this morning.
I also think we just need to be more like Terry Byrne and just live on an island and talk about Koala's do you your life would be more.
Simple and happier. That's why I looked at a house there.
No one can contact me, no, but the reason was and now Ben just think some irresponsible for our future child now because we're in the car on the way and he's like, how is your injection this morning? And I was like, oh about that, It will be good in a minute.
When I turned around and drive back, Britt had her injection. The live show stuff is sortied.
This is just your reminder that when you're listening to this, tickets are on sale. I have no idea how they've sold so far because they haven't gone on sale yet as of recording, but when you're listening to it, they will be on sale. We've got eight locations, seven of them in Australia, all across the country.
We're going to Auckland.
So if you're one of our New Zealand listeners, get your friends, get your girlfriends, get your boyfriends, get your non binaries and all let's go have a prosecco. It is going to be the night of your life. It's going to be so fun.
The Auckland venue is beautiful.
Have you seen the It's amazing Originally, so it's in like the Auckland Town Hall and I was like, are we doing this at a Girl Scouts? Oh yeah, is this that a Brownie's convention? And it turns out it's actually just the most stunning venue.
Because we didn't look at the venue right, They're like, okay, we've booked you Auckland town Hall because somebody looks at the best venues and we were like, oh, you literally feel like you're gonna have to do a one dollar donation and sell brownie when we get in there, Like I felt like we were going to Girl Scouts and it was only a couple of days ago.
We saw the venue and we're like, oh my.
God, it's magnificent that each of the venues, not just I mean one is really pretty.
We're doing State Theory in Sydney.
All the venues are amazing and they're all around the two thousand capacity, so the shows are going to be huge. They're going to be so much fun. Anyway, that's your reminder again. We're gonna put the link in the show notes. Go get your tickets. They are on pre sale now only for you guys, and then you know, in a week or two they go on like full sale across all of Live Nation's websites. So go and get them first so you can get really good seats at the front.
So like when we speak really loudly, you get spat on. You're the best things, right and maybe not. So you might remember last week.
You might remember it was like five days ago.
Last week, I.
Was talking about how when I was young, that song I was insanity.
I was wearing the headphones.
I was singing out loud to the song I have my first real six string, played it honest. Whatever the words are, I don't know them all clearly, because the point of the story was I wasn't singing I had my first real six string. I was singing I had my first real sex dream.
Hugely embarrassing.
Turns out that all of you have had songs that you misheard the lyrics too, and embarrassingly sung the wrong lyrics. Also, we just fill in the blanks, right, Yeah, the Mum and mea song I sing wrong every time we were broken hearted. Ooh, since the day we parted, and it's like it's blue and he always corrects me, but I sing the same thing.
Ooh since the day we parted. Oh, I sing that too, it's blues since the day. Okay, everyone's blowing their minds and oh my god, I didn't know that either. They go, well, you know what, Fuck you, Matt, because it makes me feel so dark. Fuck you, mat, Fuck you Matt.
You guys wrote in with all of the misheard lyrics, the things that you have been singing incorrectly over the years, and they are so fucking funny that we wanted to share them with you. Before we get into answering your question, I'm gonna kick it off.
You've got the fattest cock I got. You have the fattest cock.
You got the fattest cock instead of you got a fast car.
Hang on, how are we doing this? Are we gonna sing it?
Oh?
You have to sing everyone? Oh fux Sorry guys, one and a three legged gold. Okay, listen to this one.
I'm your penis, um, your fire, I'm your desire.
Instead of I'm your venus.
I can't believe you kiss your cock nah, because he's very flexible. There's so many cocks in mind. Don't impress me much, oh, she twain.
Obviously it is.
You don't impress me much. Yeah, but it's the you kiss your cock at night? Is not it's you kiss your car at night. Oh god, it's not the impressed me much. That was the problem on that one.
Okay, every night I'll find someone like you. This is a girl instead of never mind, I'll find someone she finds them every night.
Every night I'll find some thank you.
Okay.
I shut the sheriff, but I did not shoot him dead.
He Okay. The national anthem, this one actually came through a lot. It's the national anthem.
Okay. They thought it said our home is good.
I see our homeies good by sick.
Our home is good.
I see.
I mean how Australia is good. It's a good place and I do see it. Okay, I see that. Okay. Terry Burn's gonna love this one. I can't see.
If you like being in a koala, I'm getting corn in the room.
If you like instead of if you like peanut color, if.
You like being a kowala, I yeah, I'm just seeing these are so funny.
Okay, this is one of my favorites. You know, fat Man's scoop? No, Who's Who's fucking tonight? Who's fucking tonight?
Oh yeah, that's my eighteen to twenty that would be at a club.
Okay, fat Man's Scoop.
Literally the song is called I'm pretty sure Who's fucking Tonight?
This person thought they said, ha ha, who's the falk and the knife? Who's the fuck and the knife? Who's the fuck in the knife?
Why would anyone.
Say why would anyone say that?
Do you know what?
That's the most amazing PG or G rated version of this. It's like, if you're going to turn that song into a kid's song, that's what that is.
What did a lullabye?
Tar? Kids?
Who's the fucking the knife? Who the fucking the knife? I am dead? I remove umbillicles? Do I'm a mid wife?
Oh my gosh, okay, this is another national anthem or Australians all and oh stroogs.
We don't even have ostriches in Australia. This person thought we did. I think they mistook them for e news.
I think this song, I mean, this is one that's like very famous at the moment Lewis Capaldi song.
But instead I only wish you you were dead? Is it what I wish? I wish you the best? Instead I only wish you were dead. Oh guys, okay, I've got one more. I don't remember how this goes, like, shake it like a polaroid picture. How does that go?
G it?
Shake it like a polaroid pitch? Shake it?
Well, this is shake it like a Puerto Rican pizza.
People can't really think. Okay, Hilary Duff, you know all lips are sealed. It goes all lips are sealed. I don't know that as the.
Seal untone deaf, but you will know it if we sing it. Anyway, everybody thought it was Alex the Seal.
I have one more and it's Rihanna's umbrella. And this person thought it was under my arm forever ever.
Ever. That's pretty cute, though, is it?
Yeah?
Because I'll walk with you under my arm forever. It's better than umbrella.
Actually that should have been the lyrics, because I remember when Umbrella came out.
I was like, this is my stupid lyric I've ever heard. It doesn't rain all the time. You don't always think I'm mbrella, but you always need to be on the rain and.
More than ever, because we're in the middle of La Nina, you.
Can be under my arm forever in case I lose my umbrella.
Oh my god, how do we not get a job as a singer?
How are we on radio? And we don't know the lyrics to any of the songs? Anytime you guys want us on the mask singer, We're ready. I will dress up as a giant song and I will sing my heart out. It is time for our vibe and unsubscribe.
Keisha little Pitit, Keisha petit, What is your vibe today?
My vibe for the week?
Hard to summarize is like one particular thing because lately I have really been vibing sleep elements to this that like, I've just started to get absolutely obsessed with sleep, and I know that a lot of people are going to be listening to this, being like, oh must be nice.
You don't have kids and you work from home some.
Days, Like we more just lost listeners because you just vibe sleep like everyone does every night.
Wait, are you vibing tracking your sleep?
A couple of different aspects of the sleep. So sleep tracking is definitely a part of it. I had this really old fit bit and I'd forgotten about it, but I was like, I used to use that to track my sleep, So I redownloaded the app.
I've like charged it up.
I've been sleeping with it for the past couple of weeks, and I have a goal, and it's to get eight hours of sleep a night. Because yeah, I knew it was gonna come.
Anyone that has a child is going to be like, fuck off you are. You're opening yourself up here.
I used to have one of them, and I felt personally victimized.
So that's why I stopped using it.
But Matt obsessed with tracking his sleep, obsessed with hitting like sleep goals like deep rem and whatever he talks about all the time.
But he also tracks his heart rate.
And we've had sex before and he stopped and he looked at his watch.
And I realized he was checking his heart rate during sex. You needn't know the worst part.
I already know this because Matt and I've spoken about it because we bond over how we both track.
Our sleep yours.
Well.
Look, sleep is the elixir to life, Okay.
And I say this as someone who used to have very troubled sleep, and I had a bit of a period of my life where like it was really a problem that impacted me in a really bad way.
But there is also an episode.
So the number one sleep expert in the world, his name is Matthew Walker, and of course he was on Diary of the CEO, because you know, I love Stephen Barlets. This is my second week in a row recommending that he just like, stop listening.
To La fun Cuck, go listen to Diary of CEO. Well, this is all.
About sleep and like how it's so important and how you can try and improve it.
Imagine being an expert on sleep, like the one thing that you decided to dedicate your life too.
I'd love it.
I think this is hard because half the population doesn't have the luxury.
Even if they want to sleep, they don't get to know. I disagree.
I mean with the kid, sorry, I mean with kids. Even so, I think, like when you have very very young kids, it's obviously an exception to the rule. But I think so many of us prioritize like death scrolling at nighttime, or we procrastinate.
For me, for example, I stick up really late. Sometimes in some times I'm not being productive. But it is the couple of hours where I feel like I have time to myself, even though I could use those hours more productively by sleeping a death scroll.
I also think that there's a bit of a hangover from the whole like hustle culture sleep when you're dead kind of vibe. The lack of sleep that people can function on has almost been worn as a badge of honor of like, well, I only need four hours and you know, we heard about all these billionaires that only need four.
Hours of sleep. It's actually not true, and women need more sleep than men. They've proven that it's a hormone thing.
So I am feeling really good something that I'm really putting a lot of my energy into. I'm doing all of the things I'm putting my energy into. Yo, you've got the rain sounds, I've got the sleep tracking. I've tried to do the right things before I go to bed.
I'm going to tell you something that's going to make your vomit in your mouth.
So Ben and I, because we're on opposite sides of the world and the time is so different that when I'm going to bed, I only get a window of like half an hour to talk to him at night, and I have to say I'm late to have that window. So we chat for like fifteen twenty minutes and then
I go to sleep. But what we do is I put the iPad down and he through his He stays on the iPad and he plays meditation music or rain music, or he'll go and find a sleep soundtrack and he'll just play it through his iPad until I fall asleep, and then he hangs up the iPad. I think it's really cute.
I no, that's nice because they're a long distance. That's cute. But he puts me to sleep with his music.
He's like night babe, and then he puts it and then he'll hang up once he knows that I've drifted off.
I think it's really cute. I think that's cute.
But that's also like a testament to the fact that you seek out ways to have connection when you're doing I actually I read this article quite a while ago. Business Insider did an article and when you talk about this idea of hustle culture and how we glorify people who don't sleep. I just looked it up because I remember reading it and it was about all these successful CEOs and billionaires who basically get very minimal sleep and
are hugely successful. People like Martha Stewart who talks about hash she only gets four hours sleep a night, People like Tom Ford, who only gets three hours sleep a night. And I do definitely think that there's been this shift from sacrificing so much about your personal self in order
to get ahead in life verse. I think that this kind of the pendulum swinging the other way where people are tracking their sleep again, they're tracking their wellness and they're kind of prioritizing their self, which is also nice to see.
Interestingly, something I learned from all of the podcasts that I've been listening to about sleep is that consistent, really good sleep is the number one preventative thing for things like dementia and Alzheimer's. So there are chemical processes that happen in your sleep that can't be mimixed through like you can't get that through having coffee during the day.
You know, there are things that happen in sleep that we have in our society I think tried to kind of make up for, you know, like, oh, if I've had a really bad sleep, I'll just have an extra coffee today.
Well, it doesn't really work like that. This is a sleep podcast. Good night everybody, This is a wellness health I'm sorry if we just.
Lost you when you had a nap as well, we'll bring it back. My vibe of the week is chrome nails.
Now bear with me.
I've never had chrome nails BEFO, but Kylie Jenner is big on chrome nails and I got suggested them by this sounds like Wenkriash. But when my stylist was dressing me for the logies, she was like, what nails are you doing? I was like, oh my god, as if I didn't even think about it. She's like, I think you try chrome. So it's just the type and the look of the nails.
It like SNS acrylic or yeah, it's like an S and S. But it's the chrome.
Is the type of the color where it's almost like a metally opal reflective kind of nail. And that's my vibe of the week. I've been really really loving them, so that's it.
It's a beauty vibe.
I have not had my nails done in about two years. You didn't even do I look like my nails have been shoved into like a food processor.
And I didn't even do them for the logies. They're so bad. My vibe for the.
Week is self indulgent one. But I'm gonna remind you anyway, go and buy tickets to the live show. Now let's get into your questions. Question number one. Now, this got sent around in our group chat as possibly the weirdest question that we have ever received. Keisha's response to this was is this the worst question we've ever received? And then it sparked an interesting conversation, so he thought we'll bring it here to you.
Potentially the worst question. But look, we don't say that with prejudice.
We say it because I mean you will understand why my partner doesn't yawn at the same time as me. He doesn't quote unquote catch my yawns. Does this mean that he isn't emotionally connected to me. I'm going to jump in first and just say I think that the litmus for having a good connection with your partner has gone too far.
We expect too much.
It is okay if your partner doesn't yawn at the same time, you could still be in a great relationship.
But Britt had a different take on this.
Yeah, don't go breaking up with him because he's not yawning, but be aware he could be a psychopath, it could be a serial killer.
So this is funny, right the group chat, we're all laughing.
They were like, I just want to say I want to reiterate this is not a made up question.
This was sent into us as an ask guncut question. Yeah, do I not have a connection because my partner doesn't catch my yawn?
Okay.
Everyone was laughing at this question because they were like, this is so funny because this doesn't mean anything.
They didn't catch a yawn, So what kind of a thing.
And then I because I'm obsessed with crime and serial killers and psychopaths and narcissists. It's like my other hobby. One of my hobbies is looking at homes and the other hobby is looking at criminals. It's actually a part of a psychopath test. So when they test, now bear with me, when they test psychopaths, there is a hair psychopath checklist that they go through, like there's lots of things that they have to tick.
Well, what's the telltale signs of a serial killer?
Well, they do questions about superficial charm, impulsive behavior, pathological lies, like there's a whole checklist. But this is from insider dot com, but there's a lot of actual research done on this. They like it could be a simple way to see if someone is a psychopath and that yawning. So yawning is an empathetic response. And I don't know if a lot of people know that, but a yawn is something The reason we say do you catch a yawn?
People do catch them because we look at someone yawning and inside we're empathetic to them that they're tired, and as a result, we reflect that mirror we yawn. Yeah, so yawning they usually are something that you can quote unquote catch but because one of the characteristics of a psychopath is that they don't have empathy and their connection to reality, so one of the things is they they don't yawn back. So it's actually a checklist, is do
you catch a yawn because you could be a psychopath. Now, just because someone doesn't yawn back doesn't mean they're the next Jeffrey Darmer, Like, let's be clear, but.
It could, but it could. You need to do the rest of the checklist.
I reckon if this is the only reason why you're thinking you don't have an emotional connection. You're probably okay if everything else is good and it's just the lack of yawning, and then I reckon stay in the relationship instead, keep going if there are other things, like he's unreliable, he lies to you, he murdered your cat, any of those sorts of you know, telltale science that maybe redbag is a serial killer. Well, honestly, I mean that went really,
that got dark real quick. He lies to you, he's inconsistent.
Well, According to a study from twenty fifteen published in the journal Personality and Individual Differences, psychopaths aren't so susceptible to yawns. The researchers from Baylor University recruited one hundred and thirty five students and measured their personalities for psychopathic traits. They then subjected them to a contagious yawning experiment. Those who scored highly on the psychopathic scale were far less likely to catch ay on. So they have done real
life scientific studies. This has been in these like, it's in journals, and a lot of people don't know about it. So you guys all go home tonight yawn right in front of your partner. See what happens? I also want to say this.
Don't ever come to life on cart and say you don't learn something totally. Don't ever don't ever turn around and say, you know, those laugh uncut girls don't know what they're talking about, because we do. We do our research on everything, everything from yourn's to anal sex.
I don't know it's a real thinking.
I just think is when I told produce a Keisha this, when I said no, this is a thing, she was in hysterics. She's like, as if what a load of shit? And I was like, girl, google it and she goes, oh my god, I can't believe it's real.
Every day's a school day, all right. Question number two.
My boyfriend and I have been together for five years. We've lived together for two. We bought our dog a year ago. We both see our future together and always talk about it. I feel really strongly about getting engaged and have been pretty clear about it, but it is not in his mind. He always says things like, well, what's the rush and we have everything we need, and I think he genuinely believes that and means that. He says he doesn't feel ready and that it's not me,
it's him. His parents are divorced, and so his grandparents, uncle, Annie, sister's husband. Everyone is divorced. The family is full of divorce. I am from a home where there has been no divorce. I think we see marriage and engagement very differently because of this. It has created some tense conversations and we both understand how each other feel, but neither of us will budge. Am I being stupid getting so worked up over a ring when everything else is great.
This is a tricky one because some people do feel really, really strongly. Maybe it's for a religious reason, or maybe it's just a self validation for themselves about marriage and about having the official document, the official ceremony, and taking that next step as a couple.
And I think that's wonderful. Some people couldn't care less.
It doesn't mean anything to them, and it doesn't mean that you mean anything less to them, Like that's super important. You can find the love of your life and not ever want to marry them, but you only ever want to be with them for your entire life.
But the important thing is is that you share the same views on it, because otherwise that mismatch can create so much especially for the person who wants to get married. It can create so many feelings of being invalidated.
I always think, and I have thought about this many times, because over the years, this type of a question in different variants has come through, and it is something that shouldn't be not taken seriously in your relationship. But what
I've always thought is relationships are about compromise always. Someone is always going to have to compromise in a relationship where you live, how many kids you have, what you do for work, where you go for a holiday, who's gonna look after the kids more, whatever, there's always a compromise in this situation when one person wants to get
married and one person doesn't. I've always thought the happy medium is can you be engaged so you've got the meaning and the commitment, and you've got the ring and you've had that special moment, because that moment means a lot to people too, literally, just the proposal and those words and the meaning behind the ring. Can you come to a compromise where you have the ring and you have the proposal, which means he's compromising to do that, and you're compromising.
Without the wedding.
If you still want to have a wedding in terms of a ceremony to celebrate with friends. But for him, what's the reason he doesn't want to get married? Is it because he doesn't want to sign a binding piece of paper. Can you just have a more spiritual celebration together where you have a moment, you tell each other what you mean to each other, and you do everything without it being official.
For me, I probably wouldn't want that. But that is a compromise, I think it is. I agree with you, Britt.
It's a really really hard one because people come to the decision about marriage based on their own upbringings, based on their own experience of what marriage is and how that was reflected in their households and how they grew up exposed to it. And I guess the big thing here is and the part that stands out to me and your question is he says he's not ready. He said, I don't feel ready to get married yet. He's not saying he doesn't want to get married at all, he's
just not ready yet. And that may mean that in the future he does feel ready, But what does that look like in terms of a timeline and a time frame for him? So I think it's very important to
sit down and have two separate conversations. One of them is do you not want to get married at all in your life or is it simply a matter of you're not ready yet to get married, like you're not at a point in our relationship or in terms of what you see for us to get married, Because often I think a lot of people think, well, once we get married, we're going to have kids. Like I think that a lot of people think that that's a normal succession of time.
It's almost like the stepping stones, right, Oh, we have to do this now.
Yeah, And I guess like for some people who maybe want to slow that down, they'll say, well, I'm not ready because it's like, well, once the wedding happens, then you know, if they think that kids are on the cards, it might speed up the process towards that next life decision, and he might just be really happy with where his life is at the moment. It doesn't mean he doesn't want to marry you at all. But I say this from someone who's come from a family where divorce was
also really prolific. My parents got divorced when I was three. My mum got divorced again when I was eight. My dad got divorced a second time when I was thirteen.
Around it a lot.
Yeah, my parents both got remarried. My dad separated again a third time. So like marriage and divorce has been very, very different in my family. And I always thought I would never get married. That's not been a prayer already to me in my relationships. It's probably also another reason as to why I didn't take Matt's last name, because for me, that piece of paper and that ceremony doesn't
hold the same weight. Although I do appreciate how incredible the day was, and I also appreciate how incredible it is to be married, because there's almost like another layer of comfort I guess in being married that I wasn't expecting personally. I kin't have expected it to not change anything. Also, you've got great photos for the photo wall, so I'm
gonna have my own trant. I think on a base level, like it hasn't changed our relationship, but it has given me this little extra layer of security in knowing that Matt's in it for the long haul. And I think that that's what a lot of people get out of marriage, you know, And and everyone kind of, like I said, feels
differently about it. But I do think it's important that often the advice that I hear is like, well, if he wanted to marry you, he would marry you, and like, you know that you both have to be on the same page. But I do think it is also really important to take into consideration his experience and his feelings, and to understand that just because he doesn't want to
get married doesn't invalidate your relationship. It doesn't mean he loves you less, and it doesn't mean that that's not something that might be on the cards for the future. It just means that his experience of what marriage looks like is very, very different to you. And I would say definitely, don't discard your relationship or don't feel devalued, or don't push for something too ferociously if everything else is so great.
But you do need to understand the why. Why doesn't Why isn't he ready yet? Because if you've been together ten years and someone says I'm not ready, I'd.
Be like, well, is that because it's me, lady? Yeah, So you find out the why.
Is it something about his upbringing and that's what he's scared about. Has he one hundred percent of been like, I want to be with you forever.
I will give you the ring.
I will give you that to make you feel the commitment, but it's just the marriage, because if he's still undecided about you in any capacity, that's a red flag you need to deal with separately.
Yeah, I totally agree.
And look, if it does come to a point forew where you're like, I don't want to be with you unless marriage is in our long term future, like that is a mandatory for your relationship, then it's a conversation you have to have so that you're setting the expectation for him instead of it becoming this thing where you're like, well, when are you gonna propose?
Well, when are you going to propose?
And if he doesn't ever want to be married, it becomes almost like an annoying thing that's brought up. I think it's very important to have these conversations about, well, what are our long term goals and what do you want?
What's a mandatory and what you want out of this relationship and if marriage is one of those things, that's okay, But it may require a lot more conversations to get there, or it may require going and having some counseling or sitting down with a third party to really air out the reasons why these important to you and how you can get to a place where it's like a comfortable solution.
Also, there are also depending on his reasons, there are so many different options. If he's more like I don't want to wed, I doesn't want a big wed in totally a lope, Maybe he'll elope. Maybe he will go to an island with you on a holiday, there's a celebrant, it's just you two, doesn't have to be a big hooha. Maybe that is a compromise as well. I think you're not going to know until you figure out the why. That is obviously deeping his soul, but it's very important
to moving forward. Do you think for you, like if yes, I want a big ring and engagement and marriage.
Yeah, in case Ben's listening.
But if you were in a relationship with someone who you felt safe, secure and loved and you knew that they wanted to be with you, but they didn't want to get married, would that be a deal breaker for you?
No?
I think I would be completely okay, But I would want the engagement because for me, that is because I want the ring. No, I mean I yes, but no, in all honesty, I'm joking, I don't need a big ring, but I like the idea of what you're saying. It's a level of commitment where you feel and you shouldn't, but you feel another level of certainty and safety and support.
And I think it's just a it's a.
Really nice sign to be like, I choose you to live out my days with, and this is just like a reiteration of that. Like, of course it's not the be all and end all, but I would be happy with an engagement and never getting married as a sign of a commitment.
Not the ring, but the commit Yeah. I think there was something for me.
There was something really special which I had not really fully understood before I got married myself and had our wedding. There was something really special about standing up in front of all of our family and friends and telling each other how much we loved each other and making that verbal commitment in front of everyone. There was something really
solidifying in that moment. And I think because I've only ever seen the negative byproduct of marriage, which is when it breaks down, like I've never really witnessed in my upbringing what a good marriage looks like I've only seen how that commitment really doesn't mean anything when the wheels fall off the wagon and you can get divorced.
So I witnessed.
I was the witness signing the witness wedding citypate for Laura and Matt. But at the end I did like a kiss, kiss and a smiling face, like I signed my name, and I was like kiss, kiss, smiling face.
I actually don't know if that makes it null and void. So I learned this.
Apparently what you sign on the wedding day is not actually your real wedding certificate.
It's okay, Laura, No, it is.
It's your It's a wedding certificate that you keep that you can frame or whatever. It's a pretty wedding certificate. But it's not what's actually lodged to the government.
So it's okay. So she's still married.
You get married, I'm not Apparently, apparently it's all it's all sign see delivered with the kiss kids.
In the smiley face.
All right.
Last question, My best friend has always struggled. This makes me angry. My best friend has always struggled with not feeling good enough for the men she dates. She's had a few situationships, but last year she got into her first big official relationship. I really don't like her boyfriend, but I haven't said anything because I feel like my opinion shouldn't matter if she is happy with him, which you know to a level is true. However, over this
past year I have heard him make comments about her weight. Now, she has lost a lot of weight since she's been with him, And last night we went out for dinner and he made comments like, quote, you should work out more when we get done with dinner, you should jog back to the car, and are you going to finish all of that? Worried about what his comments are doing to her mentally, how do I talk to her about this?
And can I talk to her about this? That is fucked ACKed?
Oh?
My very first thought is if these are the things that he is comfortable saying in front of people, imagine what is said not in front of people. We imagine what's said in private. And maybe it's subtle, maybe it's not subtle. But if she has had dramatic weight loss and she's struggled with feeling good enough or pretty enough or skinny enough in her relationships, I mean, this is the type of thing that.
Can really trigger an eating disorder in someone.
This feeling of like he'll love me more if I do this, or you know, I'll be more beautiful if I eat less or lose weight or xyz. I actually think you have to talk to her about it, but do it in a very non accusatory way, especially because you know from all the conversations we've had around non physical forms of violence in a relationship, or control in a relationship, or being in a relationship with somebody who
from the extreme to the mild. If you have a friend who is dating someone and you are worried about them, the last thing you want to do is be like, hey, I don't like the way he treats you. I don't like this, because you don't want to triangulate yourself and make them try and protect their partner and not want to talk to you about the issues in their relationship. I think one of the things you could say is I noticed how he made a lot of comments about
the things that you were eating. How does that make you feel? And see if that opens up a way for a conversation. I will also worry that if you kind of come out and say, oh, you've lost a lot of weight, I'm worried about you. If she's in a period of mind where she's like quite happy about the weight loss, or she's like wants to lose more weight, you can almost like interpret it that as like reinforcement that you're.
Doing a good thing.
Like I remember back in the day, and I say this because I went through a period where I had I wouldn't say I didn't have an eating disorder, but I had disordered eating. Like those two things I think can be slightly different. I lost so much weight. I was so thin, and it just came after a breakup, and I thought I looked amazing.
And when people would say to me, oh, you know, are you okay? You've lost a lot of weight.
I used that as reinforcement of like, yes, yeah, I've lost a lot of weight. It was almost a thanks for noticing, like yeah, it was almost a compliment. I didn't take it as though it was a concern. I took it as a reinforcement that what I was doing was working. So I think you have to be very careful when speaking about weight with people, especially people who have had dramatic weight loss, and also when they may
be in a relationship that's a problematic relationship. I think the biggest thing that you can do is be that person of support there, have oversight, try and be as close as possible so you have oversight over what's happening in the relationship, so you can see more as to how the dynamic is. How he speaks to her, start off with just you know, are you okay? Did that
upset you when he says these things to you? Because you know you are so beautiful, you are so perfect, and I would hate for you to feel as though you're not that in your relationship. And see if that opens up a pathway for communication for her to express how she's feeling, because it may be enough for her to be able to come to you and talk to you about what she's experiencing. Yeah.
Look, there are definitely boundaries in a friendship that you don't cross, and definitely reasons you don't approach someone about their relationship, but I don't think this is one of them. I think as a friend, this is one hundred percent something you do need to do. I think you do need to have these conversations because it is not normal, it is not right, and it is very obviously affecting her mental health and the way she lives her life. So I think you one hundred percent. I would say
you need to speak to your friend. It's just a matter of how. And everything you just said is so right, Laura. I don't need to reiterate what you just said because it's true. It's how you approach it. It's really hard, though, it's so hard, but I think this is why we have friends, right, And she's one of your closest friends. This is why we have them. There are moments in life that they need to step in, and I think
this is one of them. The only other thing that I would add to what you said, Laura, is that she hasn't been in a relationship before, so this is her first relationship. She has nothing to compare it to. She doesn't know what a normal relationship is. She probably doesn't know what respect in a relationship is, what compromise in a relationship, the ups, the downs, the highest.
She's got nothing to.
Compare it to, and we know that we live and we learn. Right, I'm different in a relationship now because of the relationships I've been in. I'm different now because of the shit I've been in. I was with people way more fucked than this, and I was with them because I didn't know better, and I know better now and I would never do it again. So maybe something else you need to approach her with is very gently exactly what you said, Laura. I noticed that these you
know comments are made around you. Wait last night, how do you feel about it? Blah blah blah blah. But then i'd be saying, just so you know, it's not be with like, this is not a normal thing in a relationship, Like I want you to know that, because maybe you don't know that, but you should be with somebody that loves you exactly how you are and doesn't want to change you. Because I think a really big part of this is that she doesn't know that it's not a
normal thing. She might think that every second person is doing this and it's normal to tell your partner, and you don't also know how he's doing it. He might be praising it as I'd be more attracted to you if you lost weight.
It might not just be like lose weight, be better.
It might also be like you'd be hotter, if you'd be hotter, if we'd have better sex, if.
But also, I don't think it's just a matter of like not knowing. I don't think it's just ignorance. Oh, it's a whole lot, I think.
Yeah.
I think a big contributing factor of like this type of potential, you know, staying in a relationship and changing yourself when it comes from insecurities, it comes from feelings of being invalidated, It comes from feelings of I'm not going to get anything better than this, and I want him to love me more?
So what can I do to be loved more? And it's X, Y and Z.
The other thing, I would have found it so hard as a friend in that situation. I would have found it so hard to not say something to him at the time, to not say, do you know what she doesn't have to run back to the car, or you know, are you gonna eat everything.
On your plate? I would have had to have bitten my tongue.
And I think it's like, I'm quite a fiery person at times, and I find it to not speak when I see something that I think is an injustice, you know, like if I'm ever in a situation where my friend's partners don't speak well to them, or I don't like the tone or whatever, I'm the first person to be like, don't speak to her like that. But that's also because I have a relationship with their partners, and I know
that they are actually good people. I have a good insight into their relationship, and I know where my boundaries lie with them, and I know where their boundaries lie with me. But I guess the big thing with this guy is that you probably don't have a relationship with him yet, and you are still getting to know the dynamics of their relationship. So I think the best thing you can do right now is support her and reinforce to her what isn't isn't normal, and what she should
and shouldn't put up within a relationship. Because really, like these small little digs, although they may seem insignificant, although they may not seem like a very big deal at the moment, I go back to this idea of like, well, if he's saying multiple things at dinner in front of people who he doesn't know, what is he saying to her behind closed doors?
But on top of that, he's saying this at the beginning of a relationship, there's only downhill from them. Yeah, it's only going to get worse. That's your baseline, it's gonna snowballs.
So nothing worse than seeing someone you love in a relationship with a person who you know is shit.
I have gone to a friend before in a situation like this. I have been so open.
I've been gentle at the start, and I've gotten to a point where I'm like, I cannot tell you how much this is not normal, and you cannot be in this relationship anymore. Obviously that it was quite a serious situation, but I would not be doing my job as a friend to sit back and let those situations continue. And as I said, if this is the baseline for the starter of the relationship and this is what's happening in public, it's going to be ten times worse in a year,
and ten times worse behind closed doors. So I would gently take those steps and action your thoughts and the worries now.
The only thing I would add to this, the last thing is for anyone listening, for anyone who has experienced something similar. You should never be in a relationship with someone who thinks it's okay to say things that slightly humiliate you, like it is humiliating to have somebody calorie check your meals or to make you feel bad about the you look, especially doing it in front of other people.
All that's doing is eroding your self confidence. It's eroding the way that you your self esteem, and ultimately it'll get you to a place where you think you need to change in order to be better. Nobody should be in a relationship with somebody who thinks they have control over another person like that. And if your partner does make consistent little jabs at you, If your partner or you dated someone who does put you down, even if it's subtly, but it's consistent, that is not a relationship
you should be in. And I hope for better. For literally every single person who listened to this podcast, we hope that you love the episode. You know, send in your ask on cuts, send in your accidental unfiltered, send in any funny stories.
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