Hi guys, and welcome back to another episode of Life Uncut. I'm Laura and I'm Brittany, and today he's ask gun cut Day, where we answer your deep.
Done and bearing the questions.
Also means it's Thursday, which means it's almost the weekend, which makes it a tea day, which makes it a Life Uncut day, A Tuesday and a Thursday. What other day could it be? Who knows? I have probably mercury retrograde. I haven't seen you in how many days? Four days? Four days? It's the longest we've ever gone. So we were having a breakup. I thought you ghasted me?
Oh my god, speaking of this, So I learned a new dating phrase over the weekend, which I have held on to to tell you about.
Can I try and guess it? Sure? But this might be a long, dame. What's in regards to so kind of behavior?
I genuinely thought I knew every single like Monika for online dating.
No, because so many made up every few months. I hear a new one and I'm like, what is that? But I thought, like, you know, we're doing what we do doing this podcast. I thought, you know, nothing was news to me. Any professionals in the industry, you would think we know.
It all with all the experience. So I had never heard of this one before. It is the label that's given when a person that you're dating ghosts you, but then all of a sudden comes back like they've been resurrected from the dead.
Oh they're haunting you. Well you I we thought that, but no, don't. I want to get it. I love guessing games. It's got a real nauty cool theme to it. Does that help you? Like Sailor because they emerge and then they disappeared? Submarine? Yeah, Oh no, that's so made up. Well it's not. No, it's cool on the internet. Haunting because they die and come back like a ghost, but they're sticking around, fucking gaspar. I actually don't know if it's called haunting, but I'm saying that haunting is way
better than submarine. Have you been? Are you being haunted by anyone? At the moment? Brett, My whole life is like a horror movie. My love life is like the ultimate horror movie. Where did you read that? I was laying in bed this morning. It came up on some really unnecessary article that I decided to click into. There we go. We do read a lot of weird and unusual love articles. I follow a lot of people on Instagram that are in like the relationship industry, and I'm
always hearing new things I didn't even know. Actually, I don't want to admit this, but not that long ago, I didn't even really know what bread crumbing was. I just thought it was what you did to your snitzel.
And then you were like, ah, I recognized this behavior. Maybe we should do an episode just unpacking what all of the different terminologies are.
Okay, that's a brilliant ie. It's probably the best undy you've had a week. That's probably the only.
Anyway, guys, you know that this is our short, sharp and sexy episode.
I don't know.
I was trying to think of another thing where you guys write in your questions to all of your life dilemmas. We pick out a couple and we answer them with all of our life experience.
And we love it and we do.
But this this episode is not sexy. These questions aren't very sexy.
No, We've got a lot of relationship questions for you again. But also, guys, if you haven't joined up to the Facebook page, jump on life on cut podcast, a lot of people, if it's not something that's super private and super personal, a lot of people would just share their own questions in the group and then with the community,
everyone jumps on board and answers them. If you do have something that's super personal that you want us to kind of mediate and put in there anonymously for you, we can also do that as well, So you just have to hit us up on Instagram and send it to us in a DM. But anyway, we are going to get straight into this.
I've got a good one, should we.
I'm gonna well, I was gonna say, like, there's been lot's happening in the.
Bachelor the world. There's just so much. Well, we don't have to get into it. We talk about our stuff. The Batch world has gone nuts. Tim and Anna the original from the Bachelor franchise, there were the very beginning, there were the ogs and they've just had a little baby girl that they called Elle. So that's pretty exciting news.
Love is not dead, guys.
Also Lisa who was from my season and also Elise who was the runner up from my season. Both of them just got engaged the other day, which is really beautiful. I'm happy that everyone's happy. I want to know as well that ends well. I want to know what water bean drinking? And where do I find that? You were just on the wrong season.
You need to wait one more year and then everyone starts procreating you're getting married?
Yes, absolutely, I'll sit tight. Okay, anything else you want to touch on before we jump in? No? I feel good now I got that off my chest. You great. I'm an international student and I have been in Australia for four years. Currently, I've been with my boyfriend for two years. My student visa ends in six months, and
the idea was always little partner visa together. However, after approaching a topic the other day, I found out he doesn't want to do a visa with me anymore, and he says we need more time as just a couple. What do I do? Am I wasting my time with someone who doesn't want to commit to me. I could study again, yes, but it will make me unhappy. I don't want to, but things I should just suck it up.
The backstory, We've had a couple of massive fights a few months back, and I thought things were fine now, but he's still holding onto the arguments and he's brought it up during the visa chat. Also, I mean my thirties, so I'm ready for the commitment. Thanks in advance.
So Britt and I actually had to like troubleshoot this one beforehand because both of us were like, oh good, this is a rare Peckel deck or I have a few feelings about a couple of different parts of this, Like my first question is I think if you're here and you're in Australia, the reason is the reason that you want to stay for the relationship or do you really want to stay in the country regardless, Like would you if everything broke up and you guys weren't together,
would you find a way to stay here because this is where you want to live? And that's a really important question because then I think it doesn't really matter about the partner visa so much. You can make those decisions and you can make those actions for yourself. However, if the reason that you're here is because you're only here for the relationship, then this is a really really shitty situation and there's.
A lot more to unpack there. I also have multiple feelings on multiple paragraphs of this discussion of this question. I don't like that. You guys have had a discussion that you know, once you finish your study you will go on to the partner visa so you can stay. And I don't like that he's backtracked on that, having said that, he's totally allowed to. His feelings have changed. Obviously something's happened. He's unsure. What upsets me a little
bit is that there's not really any meeting halfway. It's pretty bad for him to say, just keep studying for another four years or something until I'm ready, Like, you don't want to study, You've done your degree, And I get that, and I understand that you don't want to continue down the studying path, and I don't think you should have to. If you just want to stay in the country, maybe you need to look at other options. And Laura and I did have a hot Google search.
There are other options other than continuing to study, and other than getting a partner visa. So Laura, what are they?
Yeah, so okay, we both won one hundred percent on this, and so we were like, okay, what other option. Surely there has to be another option after studying, and so there is also a post study work visa, which is a sub class four eight five. The Post Study Work Visa is normally a two year visa which has unrestricted work rights. It's available to applicants who have completed two years of full time study in Australia for the award
of a certain qualification. And this goes on to say like maybe a bachelor degree or a higher For some people who have completed a trade qualification, they might be eligible for this as well.
Now look, I know that that is not the plan and that's not where you thought this trajectory was going to go. But there's so many other parts of this question to unpack, like the fact that you said you had some massive fight six months ago, Like, we don't know what those fights are about. We have no idea what those fights are about. Maybe that was a bit of a trigger in a warning to him that he was like, there are some red flags here that I
don't feel one hundred percent comfortable and confident in. So yeah, it's unfair for him to turn around and say, well, you just have to keep studying and suck it up. However, you can't make someone do something that they don't want to do. And if he's not ready to commit to you, if he's not ready to go on a spousal visa or a partner visa or whatever it is, you can't force him into that, and you should want to force him into that. Either.
You need to take control of this situation for yourself, make decisions that are going to make you happy in the long run, and really figure out what it is that you want from this. And I think sit down and have a really honest conversation with your partner and ask him if he wants to be with you, Like, is this because you know he needs more time to decide on it, and in which case, put parameters around
what that extra time might look like. And if it's because he's not sure about the relationship, or if you, for example, said I'm not going to study and that might mean I leave the country, what's his reaction going to be to that? You know, I think that there are lots of different avenues that you can have conversations around to really get to the bottom of what the problem is. Not just him saying, oh, you need to go on another study visa so that we can just stay in this limbo forever.
The fact is too I totally get it. You're in your thirties, you're ready for something more, You're ready for something serious. You've done your study. My advice just before Laura would have said it was one hundred percent. I would say to him, I love you, I want to be with you. I absolutely do not want to study. It will make me miserable, which in turn is going to reflect on your relationship. If you're that happy in every other aspect of your life, you're going to take
that home. You're going to resent him, You're going to hold onto a lot of anger. So it's not good say to him, I love you, I want to be with you, but I really really don't want to study. If you don't want to commit to me with this visa and means I go home, what do you want
to do? Have the conversation and you're not trying to bend his arm and put him in a hard place, But it's worth just seeing what his reaction is and if he's willing to talk about it and meet you halfway, because if he's not, like that's a bit of a red flag too. Yeah, And also, like the reality is you are in your thirties, not that you don't just want to put your relationship life on hold, but you don't want to put your work life on hold either.
You know, like you progressing your career, you progressing in your aspirations, you being able to get that dream job that you always wanted. You don't need to continue studying and continue racking up a student debt just because you want to stay for a relationship that ends up costing you a lot more than it costs him, and he really doesn't have to contribute anything for that to work out. So I think you have to make decisions that are
for yourself. You have to put yourself first in this situation, not what he wants, not even necessarily the relationship, because he's not coming to the table at all. So I really think, like, figure out your reasons for wanting to stay, and then look at making the best decisions that are for you and not necessarily for him, which is going to be hard, especially when you're in love with him, because sometimes it can feel like, oh, I don't want
to start again. But if he's not giving you the commitment and the reassurance that you need and that you want and what you expect at this point in your relationship, then there's some big, big fucking decisions to make well. Actually this is interesting too. So I have a friend and I was just only speaking to her in the last two weeks. She is Australian and her partner is from England and they've been together a long time. He is here on a partner visa. They're not married, but
they're on the visa. They've have house together, and like it's very serious. She doesn't want to be with them anymore. They're realtionship's run its course. She still loves him, but she's like, I don't I don't want the relationship anymore. She's like, but I have this immense pressure and I feel like I can't leave because if I do, he has to go home because he's on the visa for
the partner visa. And it's a whole nother ballgame when you leave a partner visa, you have to go and try and get a sponsorship or there's still ways you can stay. But it's not once you finish your relationship and you make you notify the government and that's it unless you can find another way to stay that they're like, your visa's ended. Easy to say, like, oh, well, he should just go on a relationship visa. He should just go on a spouse of visa if he's not sure
about the relationship. If he is having doubts, one, he needs to be transparent about those doubts so that you're both across it and that nothing is, like, you know,
a surprise to you. But if he has some doubts about the relationship, it would be unfair of him to commit to a spouse of visa only for in a few months or a year's time to turn around and say, actually, I knew this wasn't the right thing at all, and I'm going to pack up now and you have to leave the country, because that's going to make it a hell of a lot harder for you to take control of this situation, at least at the moment. You have
other options. You can choose to study, you can choose to like apply for permanent residency at some point in time. There are other avenues that are available to you. But going on a spouse of visa and then having that withdrawn because you guys break up could make your life a hell of a lot more complicated in the long run. Well, I think it's better for you anyway. It's a it's not gonna put pressure on him to stay in a relationship, but b it's not gonna put pressure on you to
stay in the relationship. Either you might change your mind and not want to be with him, and then you're like, shit, I'm stuck here in this relationship because I don't want to go home. If there is another way for you to stay in the country that's not jumping into this partner visa, which we've looked and there is, I would definitely one hundred percent go down that avenue, live your life for you, and whatever happens with your partner will happen.
I love that we just came full circle on this because at the start I was kind of like, this guy's a dick, and then I'm like, do you know what, maybe it's a bit dickish, but like you.
Just do you go. It's a bit dickish, but it's like a bit of an entitled dickish. So I don't think he's handled it the right way, but he's entitled to his feelings, his opinions. One hundred percent, we are fully in agreed, so we are agreeing that it is like it's not class A dick, it's class D dick. It's like semi acceptable dick, like a semi dick. Okay,
we'll go sept he's a semi. It's just a semi Okay. Anyways, Okay, question number two, guys, I feel like we've covered that as well as we could possibly do it, especially for two people who have never tried to apply to live in another country.
Sounds like a fucking headache. Okay, this one is a really really quick one, but I think it's a great I think it's such an important question. We've all we've all struggled with this at one point or another, or.
Maybe just me.
Here we go. So it's like, how soon is too so fart?
Literally, it's pretty much that, except it's how soon is too soon to move on?
Okay?
So how soon is too soon to move.
On after a breakup? Okay? This for me is super easy. There's literally no time frame, there's no ride or wrong.
Yeah, I'm gonna agree with you.
People. People are like when people start dating again. I used to be like this when I was younger. I used to see people move on really quickly. Sometimes I still do. When I myself, I have to check myself a little bit. Sometimes people move on and I catch myself being like, oh my god, she was only with him like three weeks a three weeks.
Ago, okay, Like there is some timeframe. Yeah, I mean the next day is probably not good.
Like if his house and go into someone else's house, No I could. I mean when I say like I say, there's no right or wrong as long as you can get yourself into a place where you're doing it for yourself and you're comfortable and you've moved on, not to fill a space, not to feel validated, not for any other reason other than you're ready. For some people, you might walk out of a relationship and in a week you're ready because unknowingly you had checked out of that
relationship six months ago. So whilst to the wider community they look at you and think she was in love and married a month ago and now she's with someone else, when really, in your mind you've been broken up for six months.
Yeah, one hundred percent, Like Britt, you just completely nailed it, I think for most in one like as I fucking did.
I felt good about that answer.
The most important thing when you come out of relationship and before you get into a new relationship is to really check in with yourself, do some damage. Control and make sure that you're okay and that you are recovered
from that relationship. And like, you know, if you're still working through your shit, if you're still hurting and you're just using someone to fill a space because you don't want to feel lonely, or if you're just using someone because it makes you feel good about yourself, it makes you feel pretty again, it makes you feel wanted, then there are all the wrong reasons to be in a relationship.
But if you have genuinely come out of something, and like, who knows, it could be that you came out of a six month relationship that you're never really invested in the first place, but it could be that you come out of a marriage very different. They did both take
such hugely different time spaces to get over. I do think that there are times where you know that when you're in a relationship, something clicks and you're like, this is not what I want in my life, and then crazy and optunistically, something else comes along and it just works and it's just easy and you don't have to think about it and you're like, ah, these are all the things that were missing in my past relationship, and that's what makes it work so well, and you know
the time frame and timeline completely grows out the window. My other thought as well is like, Okay, you might need to think a little bit more about whether or not getting in a relationship straight away is a good idea,
and maybe you do need to do some healing. You're welcome to fuck the pain away, That's what I think anyway, Like, you are absolutely entitled to be intimate with someone, to have casual sex, to have one night stands, so long as you're once again not doing it as a damage control or you're not doing it as a way of like feeling avoid If you're doing it because you're having fun, If you're doing it because you feel independent and liberated
and you're enjoying yourself and you're getting something out of it, you are absolutely entitled to do that after breakup.
I think that you know, for a lot of.
People being intimate and meeting new people and going dating that that's a great way of actually just getting yourself back out there. But it doesn't work for everyone, and you really need to be aware of who you are as a person, how codependent you are as a person, and how independent you are, and figure that shit out for yourself, because every single person's tolerance is going to
be different. But also even these hook cups and one night stands and everything, it's all well and good to say that, but if you're still not ready for it, it makes you feel like shit. It's a band aid. You go and think, you're like, you know what, I'm just gonna go and get over it by getting under it. Love that with add and you're not ready. You'll have a great time while you're there, you'll go home and you will feel terrible. You'll feel like shit, You'll feel
like you feel like you don't have self worth. And this is just because you're not there physically, mentally, spiritually, holistically, every part of you is just not ready for it. So you'll judge yourself for it, and you'll feel bad.
I also want to touch on the fact that whilst some people can walk out of a relationship and walking to another one, Like we were speaking at the beginning of the episode about all these terms for relationships, there is a big one that we've spoken about a few times. Laura has done it her whole life before a bachelor.
Monkey branching, light branching.
You can't monkey branch monkey branching is literally when a lot of people don't end their relationship until there's another one lined up, which I think is terrible. It's unfair on everyone. And I have friends that do this. I know people that they've checked out of their relationships, sometimes for a year, but they won't end it until they know that the next person's there because they're so co dependent. They're not okay on their own, and they don't want
to be on their own. They're scared. They need someone to love them. And this is disastrous. Like this type of behavior and dating behavior is never going to work out. Yeah, it's super toxic.
And look in the defense of people who monkey branch and this is Laura, I'm gonna say this. Sometimes it's not a conscious thing. It's not that you like. And I never did it as a conscious thing in my past relationships. I wasn't sitting around in my relationship being like, well, this one's over, just got to wait for some other hot guy to come along, Like that was never ever
my intention. But I was incredibly codependent in my relationships, and I struggled being alone, and I felt my worst when I was alone because I had to deal with my own junk, you know, that's when that stuff really comes to the surface for some people.
And so it wasn't until I had.
Met somebody else that I was like, Oh, this is what it's like to have feelings again. And it wasn't an until I broke that cycle that I looked back on my dating life and I was like, oh, that's what I was doing, Like, I recognize that now in retrospect, and I think that that's probably one of the biggest things is that sometimes when you're in it, and sometimes when you're doing it, you can't identify the behavior as being toxic or the behavior is being unhealthy for you.
So you might say, oh, yeah, I'm totally fine with one night stands and going out and exactly what brit said, getting under it to get over it. But because you're so in it, you might not see how that's actually not great for you, and how it does make you feel like shit, and how it is damaging for you.
So I really do think, like I said at the very beginning, is like, once you come out of a breakup, no matter what that breakup is, you really need to sit with yourself and genuinely figure out how you feel and really unpack why it didn't work, what you want differently next time, and how you're going to navigate this period of like redefining your identity and what you want for yourself because this is such an incredible place of growth.
I think like some of the most amaz in growth that we do as people comes from being heartbroken, comes from when you know your life gets thrown into this turmoil and it's all restarting again and what you thought was the certainty is now no longer going to happen.
You really get this period of rediscovery, So don't fucking waste it by jumping in bed with the next person who isn't a great guy who is exactly the same as your ex or like who has all the same characteristics, when you can choose better for yourself, that would be my biggest advice. So make sure you're not repeating the same mistakes and you're giving yourself time to actually heal from that. Being there lived it, I can tell the tales.
So yeah, I mean, like, like we said, there is no definitive time frame as to what is acceptable to rebound from a relationship. However, if you're using the word rebound, that might be the problem.
That might be where the issue is. I We've covered that one, all right, Okay, you question. I could talk for so long. I have a lot of feelings about that. Oh I know me too, because I'm the opposite.
Britt is like a years and is acceptable time to be single before you get into your next relationship.
Yah? Absolutely, Like when I think a monkey brands you know, I'm like going for from jungle to jungle, not from tree to tree.
Lol, crossing this savannah right now, just waiting for the next tropical rainforest to come along for the next migration.
It's just I can jump on one of those bests. Loll. Oh my god. Please, I'd like to hear more about the beasts we jumping on, Brett. There have been none. Actually, I'm back. You know what I get someone gets too close to me, then I do a runner again. Next question, Good, go back and listen to the attachment styles. If you haven't listened to that, that's where we're Brittany really unpacked. Some junk from her bass sign is the detachment style. So how do you attach yourself to a lover? I
don't I like to detach myself from reality. I just like to a.
Gonna get you some cats, babe, love that for me? Okay, question number three. You guys know this is our short sharp episode where we will like.
Bang on for a bit longer than moment. We're men too. This is actually the last question for today. I've been with my partner for almost five years. We had kids very quickly into our relationship. We have two under four. I have recently discovered in his emails emails from the dating site Plenty of Fish which are dating back to twenty eighteen.
So they were obviously together then two years ago.
They were together then Yeah, so twenty twenty two is twenty eighteen.
I can do the maths people.
I've managed to log into his account with my great detective skills and found that he had a profile in a regional suburb where he traveled for work with a different name et cetera, but no picture on there. I'm assuming he has deleted a picture. It had no messages in the inbox. I assume they have also been deleted recently. There has been some forgotten password emails as well for the account. I also found some emails from a site called Friends with Benefits as well. Yep, are you feeling
as sick? As me, how do I approach this as I know he will make up some wax story and turn it back on me. If we didn't have the kids, I know it would be a no brainer, but it makes everything so much harder. I'm currently taking the not react straight away approach until I know how to approach it. But I know I can't sit on this for too long before I punch him in face. Thanks girls, help. WHOA.
I feel a lot of things me too.
Okay, all right, let's start from the beginning. I started at the bottom new here. She's found. She's found that he's got plenty of fish dating sight. There's back from twenty eighteen which has nothing on it, but she's been getting recovery emails from it, which means he's trying to log into the account.
I'm just going to jump I'm going to jump ahead. I'm not going to start at the beginning, ok I'm.
Gonna start at nah.
I'm going to like like start at the end, work backwards.
I have a very skewed vision of this because I am the product of divorce.
My mom has been married and divorced. My mom's been married three times, divorced twice. My Dad's been divorced three times. So I do not think that staying for your children is a good enough reason to stay in a relationship. I think if there is no trust and there is no love, then just saying oh, we're staying for the kids or kids make things more complicated, one hundred percent make things more complicated.
It's absolutely like out of this world.
Difficult when you have children, it doesn't make it impossible, And it is not a good enough reason to stay in a relationship where you do not have trust and you no longer love your partner. So I think the most important question that you need to figure out for yourself right now is can you forgive your partner for cheating if that's what's happened, and can you have an honest conversation with him about how you feel and what the two of you want moving forward. Because I do
genuinely believe that you can overcome cheating. I do think that you can overcome infidelity in a relationship. You both have to absolutely want that, and there has to be a lot of conversation and a lot of transparency to get back to a place where it's healthy. And obviously there's no trust here at the moment, and there's a lot of lying and a lot of deception, and the fact that you know when you say so. I found this profile from twenty eighteen. It doesn't have a photo.
I'm assuming he deleted it. It doesn't have any messages. I'm assuming he deleted it. The problem that happens when we assume things is we can make the situation so much worse in our heads than what it may have been. And I'm not downplaying what this guy's done, like he is one hundred percent in the wrong, and you have so many reasons to punch him in the face. I mean, don't,
but you have so many reasons too. But by you assuming that he's done extra things on top of what you have physically seen, you're only going to make that situation worse for yourself, I think in the long run, because you can't argue with something that you don't have proof on, and you can't throw accusations around because he's obviously going to defend himself and say that's not what happened.
But I really really think for anybody, if you find out that your partner has set up a dating profile while you're together with them, like that's cheating. Regardless of whether he acted on it or didn't act on it, that is cheating and you need to sit down and have a conversation around intent. Why did he feel like he needed to do that, Why has he kept it from you for so long? Why is he reaccessing it? And how are you going to move forward from this?
What do you want? Do you want to stay in this relationship because the two of you want this? Or are you only there for the kids? And if you're only there for your kids, then that's your answer. Oh I had feelings? All right, Ah, that's my turn. I am going to start in the middle. Hold me back, Brittany, hold me back. I'm going to start in the middle. I mean, as a product of a very loving relationship,
I can't comment on divorce. But I'm also a product of dating a narcissistic sociopath that cheated, so I can comment on that, all right, Yeah, I don't know. I just like, don't notice that I'm so angry right now, guys. I actually the last life, the last ask gun cut we did, I thought brit was going to stab someone, and this time she's looking just as riled up, like she has this little twitch in the side of her eye that you can't see, but it's it's there, just raging.
The two things that I want to jump on first that really stuck out to me. One is, Firstly, I didn't even know there was a site called friends with Benefits. What the fuck? Not only has he got a normal dating site, but he's got another site that's purely for sex. So obviously the dating site people are going to be looking more for relationships, but he's also gone and logged onto a site that he's going to be purely like
no attachment hook up. That's a huge, huge alarm. Whether he even went and hooked up with anyone or not. I mean, maybe you'll never know, because even if you do ask him, it sounds like he's not gonna be honest with you. But it's beside the point. No, that's what I'm missing my point with you. He's gone and done it. Secondly, the thing that I'm really really really struck a chord is where you said you don't know how to approach it because you know he's going to
turn it back on you. You go and approach that he will turn it back on you, because that is that is a prime characteristic of someone that is on the defensive. Wait, the best defense is a good offense? Is that it?
I don't know, the best offense is a good defense.
But he's basically, if if somebody is attacking you, the best thing to do is turn it around on them.
I mean, it's the worst.
Thing to do, but it's the easiest way of reacting. Well, it's called deflection. He's not going to admit to it. You're going to confront him, and I can guarantee you he will turn around and say, what we do in my emails? Why are we looking at our emails? He'll make you feel bad for finding out the information that got him in trouble. Don't fold on that. You are completely entitled, and you know what, it's actually irrelevant how you came across it. That's the information there. It's not
tip for tat. We're not saying that. But you one hundred percent are entitled to confront him. And you don't have to go in all out of a gate. You don't have to go in aggressive. You can literally sit there and it's actually more powerful to have a really really calm conversation where you call him out. He will
go into panic mode when you're coming. You know when your parents are like when you've done something wrong and your parents go mad at you and they're yelling at you, and you're like, oh, sols, but you don't really care. But when they come in, come and they're like, I'm so disappointed, it's gut wrenching. You're like, oh my god. So I think you need to come and say to him, I want you to tell me the truth. That's what I would say. Don't even show him first, say have
you been seen other people? Have you cheated on me? And he'll probably deny and say, look, I'm giving you the opportunity here to work through this as adults and be honest with me, because I know that you have, so tell me. Don't tell him what you've found. This is my advice. Don't say I've found this, there were no emails whatever, Say I know what's happened. I'm giving you the opportunity to tell me. That's what I would say,
and then go from there. But you are one hundred percent entitled to go in and question him and not worrying about what he's going to say back to you.
And I guess, like with what BRIT's saying here like in regards to saying you don't have to tell him what you've come across straight away, Like, I think that there is as a little bit of a dangerous territory in that you don't want to be playing games to try and trick him into telling you what he's done. Like I'm I'm kind.
Of like that could backfire, that could become a problem in itself. That's what I did. It worked well because he ended up telling me more than I knew. That was the point, because he's like, well she knows everything.
Yeah, and look, I mean one hundred percent, like it could work out very well for you.
But I feel like.
There is like a level there you're trying to trick them into getting that information out of them.
Absolutely obviously, what's the fuck.
Me?
But I think that you can't like exactly what brit said and be like, you know, I know that that something has happened here, and I want to I want the information. But the reality is is that but by doing what he has done, it's a form of cheating. It's a form of infidelity. Infidelity comes in so many different shades and colors and scales of like, you know, this is really bad, This is not quite so bad. It comes in the full spectrum. So even the fact that he has these dating sites that is a form
of cheating. There is so much that you need to talk about. There's so much that you need to figure out. The biggest thing that you need to figure out is can you trust your partner moving forward? Do you think that trust is something that you can rebuild? And if it's not, then this is not the relationship that you should stay in because it's going to get very toxic. It's going to be really destructive for your mental health,
and you deserve so much better. You deserve so much better from someone that you've spent four years with and have two children with. Like, it's just not a way to live the rest of your life. And I really think that, you know, you can make sacrifices and say, oh, well, he's doing this and I have to stay because we
have kids and it's a lot harder. But if you don't have trust at the end of the day, and if he's not able to be faithful, can't be transparent, won't go to couples counseling, won't work through these things with you, then he's not somebody who's going to change.
The other thing I want to say as well, is if he does deflect and try and make this about you going through his emails, yes you shouldn't have gone through his emails, but it is the lesser of two crimes here, Like, let's just be very very clear what you did comes from a place of lack of trust, and that lack of trust is being brought about by
his actions. So at the end of the day, if he tries to make that the point of the conversation, like brit said, you really have to hold your ground explain that that's not the conversation we're having right now. That there's a reason you felt the insecurity that you felt, there's a reason that you know you ended up doing the digging that you did.
And yes, you need.
To both work on the fact that there's no trust left in the relationship, but that's a byproduct of his actions.
You one hundred percent need to have a think about why you went through his emails in the first place. Is it something he's doing and he's making you feel like this trust issues or are you just insecure and had trust issues anyway, Because that's I'm not saying what you did was right I'm not saying what you did was wrong. It is the lesser of two evils. But
there's something that's not right. If you feel the need to be going through your partner's emails behind their back, something's not right in the relationship, like kind of his trust is the foundation of any single relationship. So obviously, whether he had done something yet or not, something wasn't sitting right with you for you to go and pry into his emails. And that's just something that you need
to think about. Lots of people do that. Lots of people go and investigate because something doesn't feel right, but you just need to ask yourself why.
Yeah, Look, I mean I've spoken about it on this podcast plenty of times. I think that when they's smoke, there's fire. A lot of the time that when they smoked, there's fire. I have definitely been in relationships that have inflamed my crazy beyond a normal scale, Like it was off the part I think about wide Now he's just saying that, just thinking about all the bush fires and
how much crazy I haded me. Honestly, it inflamed my crazy so bad that I was someone who went through my ex partner's phone and I would check his messages, and I would wait for an opportunity for him to be out of the room so I could go through his phone. Like I got to that point in a relationship it's so unhealthy and I think there's no coming back from it once you are there, because the trust
is just so far gone. But I would find things that were incriminating because I was always looking for them. Whereas now I'm in a relationship that never ever makes me feel insecure. I never ever feel like I need to go through Matt's phone. And I did get to a point where I thought, maybe this is me, Like maybe this problem is me, and maybe it's my personality type that I'm very untrusting and I want to go through someone's phone, Like maybe that's my issue that I
need to work on. And now that I'm in a really healthy, normal, stable relationship, I'm like, yeah, sure, it was absolutely my issue, But it was my issue because of the behaviors that were happening, you know, it was the things that he was doing that was making me feel crazy. However, I was choosing to stay, So yeah,
check yourself, figure out what you want for yourself. Figure out if it's salvageable and if at the end of the day you really want this relationship to work, and that's going to be your answer, that's it.
Boomah, thanks for coming to our tent talk. Do you know what I think's funny? So we're always like this is a really quick, short, sharp episode. We always end up talking for like fifty forty sometimes they are sometimes we're in and out and it's like twenty minutes. But I mean, if we feel passionate about something, which is quite often, we end up getting on a bit of a role. It's just so hard because you get to a point I think with relationships and like, obviously things
aren't going to be smooth sailing all the time. We all know that, like relationships have ebbs and flows, they have really difficult periods, and but I just think like we can waste so much time in relationships that are beneath us, where we're not being treated the way that we want to be treated, the way that we deserve to be treated because we're hoping that things will change, and we're hoping and we're almost like, oh, think about how great this relationship would be if they would just
be the person that I want them to be, you have to be open and open your eyes up to the person that they are, not to the person or the potential that you think they have. So if that's what you're doing right now, then check yourself. So I think sometimes we put things in the too hard basket, don't we. We're like, oh my god, imagine I have a house, we have a holiday booked. It's in a too hard basket, Like I can't leave now. You know, people are really unhappy with themselves and they stay because
of situations. Yeah, but then you end up putting your life on hold and you're just prolonging the inevitable. But I really think back on my past, and I think so many times I fell in love with people because of the potential I thought they had, not because of the person that they were. Yeah, what they could be. Yeah, And I would hold and I would stay and stay for years because I was like, I.
Know that there's something good in you, and I.
Know that, like you know, we can get there eventually, but we were never actually quite there. And I look back on it and I'm like, don't waste your time fucking trying to make somebody a better person when you could just be with someone who's great and they make you happy and really happy, and everything is easy and life should look It's not always going to be easy. I'm not going to say that, but life shouldn't be that hard all the fucking time.
That's my thoughts. Guys. That's it. We're tapping out for today. It's a son of horror. I'm slowly gonna turn her microphone volume down. She's gonna keep talking, but you she won't know she's not being recorded anyway. Guys, thanks for listening to another episode of Thanks for listening to Life un Cut, Ask Uncut Therapy Thursday edition. We've loved having you. We'll see you again on Tuesday for another big, meaty episode. If you love us, guys, you know the drill hit
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