Life Uncut acknowledges the traditional custodians of country whose lands were never seated. We pay our respects to their elders past and present, Always was, always will be Aboriginal Land. This episode was recorded on gaddigal Land.
Hi, guys, and welcome back to another episode of Life on Cut. I'm Laura and.
I am producer Keisha, filling in for Britt who has gone on our break.
We should be on holidays, Laura, Britney is having the holiday that we were supposed to have, but we are here because someone's going to hold the food down, because some what is to hold it up? Who knows what we're doing.
Yeah, we are going away this week though.
I'm going away on my honeymoon for five days, but I'm also taking a kid, so it's technically not a honeymoon and just a holiday. I'm also taking my sister and her husband because it's her fortieth birthday, and we decided to kind of join the two things together. We were like, we can't do two holidays.
I love how you say we because I know your family. We actually had Marley May's birthday party on the weekend and you too, Kisha. I was talking to her about it, and she was like, yeah, no, Laura kind of positioned it to me like we should go on a holiday to celebrate your fortieth And then I found out it was her honeymoon.
Do you know what? I think the more the merrier, But I'm sure Matt would like to be having a lot of sex on this holiday. And the vibes I'm getting from the amount of people that are staying in our one room is that not much is happening.
Way you're all in the one room.
We're all in the one house. Oh so different bits like they've got their own room, but like it's you know, we're all together one being happy.
Family could end up working out because like you could kind of take it in tag team looking after the kids, but yeah.
I don't want to take air of four kids on You kind of got to give and take with that one. And Keisha is heading off next week. She's actually heading off on the weekend on her very first overseas holiday with her new boyfriend, Toblroone.
Yes, I'm going to Europe. So this actually kind of happened a little bit by coincidence. And I know that people would say that if they were trying to defend the fact that they were in a brand new relationship and already going on and overseas holiday together. But I had said the whole year that I wanted to go to Europe to celebrate my thirtieth birthday. But I had to do it when we had time off of you know, when you guys had a break from the radio.
Because we can't be left to do podcasting by ourselves with al Keisha's constant guidance is basically the reality of it.
Thanky that validates me, that makes me feel quite wanted. As it turns out, he had the exact same two weeks off. He had planned on going to Europe as well, and so it kind of got to the point where I was like, why don't we just hang out over there? And then.
We just bought tickets together and now we're doing everything together. Hey, what point did you guys? So how long have you been boyfriend and girlfriend for? I don't know, like not long, less than three months holiday.
I spoke about it on the podcast as it was happening, Like usually when things happened in our personal life, we give it a bit of breathing room. No no, no, no. Straight In the defense you're going to be talked about publicly.
So he responded well to it, though he booked a holiday. I mean, some might think that this is very quick. Yeah, Others might think it's the perfect speed. It's a holiday, what could possibly go wrong?
Look, I don't disagree with the fact that's happening very quickly, but I feel, like I said, from the start, it's the calmest and least anxious I've ever felt at the start of a relationship, which I think is a really really good sign. And I think it's a sign of personal growth because previously I was really attracted to the drama, and I was really attracted to the like what I used to call butterflies. It turns out that was actually anxiety.
It's actually anxiety because a lot of them were the best people.
I also love how many people would be listening to this and being like, yeah, I've been there as well.
Gal, Yeah, you gotta admit it. You gotta admit it to yourself first when you're like I am attracted to some pretty toxic behaviors and.
Then you get into a seemingly normal and healthy relationship and you're like, oh, this is what it's meant to feel like this is normal, which if you haven't done the self work, you would think was just boring.
Well, I had actually genuinely thought a lot of people had said to me like, when it's the right one, and I'm not saying that this necessarily is, but it definitely they say, when it's the right one, it'll feel so calm and it will be so easy. And I was like, yeah, I mean, that's nice for you to say, but I personally feel as though I have literally worked
for absolutely everything that I've got in my life. Like I feel as though I've kind of had to jump some hurdles to get whatever I've wanted in my career and my education, Like whatever it might be, it wouldn't be a surprise to me that I would also have to work a little bit for a relationship that was a good one.
What some of you guys might not know is like when Keisha actually joined our team and became the producer of Life on Cut. Keisha was a listener and she emailed us out of nowhere and was like, Hey, I know that Laura, you're going to be having a baby soon. I've been listening to the pod and I was pregnant with Lola, and at the time, I was doing all the editing for the episodes, and Keisha was basically just like, I will help you. Let me be a part of this.
And then nobody replied to her straight away because you were too busy. And then she wrote another email and then another email, and I was like, persistence really does pay off. And then obviously the rest is history. We met and she's amazing. But I can absolutely test to the fact that you were somebody who really goes after what you want in life.
I was encouraged by a friend to be that way, and I really appreciate that she did that because it wasn't like in my personality type to kind of keep persisting, Like I was like, I don't want to annoy them, you know, blah blah blah. But it did work out for me. And also I struck while the iron was hot, and I was like, hey, I know that, like there are people who can edit podcast there's a bunch of people who can edit podcasts. But I have a lot of similarities with you guys.
I'm also slightly insane and I reckon we'll get along great, and you're like, I can be a dog sitter all the things that you do that are extras.
Yeah, now I'm coming on your honeymoon, Laura. I actually did something really fucking stupid. Have you ever ruined a TV show for someone without meaning to? Like? I know some people deliberately drop spoilers and they kind of act like assholes. This was an accidental one, But have you ever done it?
I can't know. Nothing comes to mind, like, I don't think I've intentionally ever done it. I'm sure I've done it with Matt many a times where I've been like, oh my god, did you see this? And He's like, what the fuck is wrong with you?
So I did it really really badly for one of our life as the other day. So I was messaging a girl named Molly on the Life on Cut Instagram. She might not have actually known that it was me that she was messaging, because it can be any of us. And we were talking about anxiety, and then she kind of led into something and the last bit of her message said maybe watching too much true crime and Blacklist.
Blacklist is a show on Netflix. It's got eight seasons of the show, right, and there's like twenty something episodes per season, so there's a lot of content in my family, it's the one show that every single one of us watch, so we text about it in the group chat whenever new episodes are out, and we kind of discuss it and one of the characters in the show, it's a little bit of a like who are they really scenario and that plays out over the entire course of the show.
And I naively assume that because she'd mentioned she must know the answer she has the ending.
Oh, dear, so why I sent a message and I said, can I ask? Because I fight about this with my family? Do you think X character I'm not gonna give it.
I'm not gonna do it to more people seeing the vodka Now, if this is how Life Unkart got canceled, do you think.
Character X is why? And I said, I fight about this with my family, this is what my brother thinks, this is what my sister in law thinks. Blah blah, blah blah blah. And she's shotten back. She's like, you're actually probably way ahead of me. I'm only in season one, but I can ask my mom.
Because she's up to date. Bless.
I'm so sorry, Molly, I really fucked it for you. I've just ruined another seven seasons of content for you.
Do you think she's gonna like, want to watch it now? Or do you think that that's it done? Is there any point if you know the ending? Well, I mean to be fair, you don't know the ending. You don't necessarily, but.
You've got a big hint as to what I think the character is or who I think the character.
I think that there's a lesson that we can all learn in this, and that it's never assumed because it makes an ass of you and me.
Yeah, I'm really bad for that ruined, Like genuinely, I don't know how many hundreds of hours of content I've just ruined for you.
We are going to answer some pretty actually, I really love today's questions for asking cut anyone who's written in a question, thank you. We have maybe four, who knows what we got time for really good questions. Before we get into that, I wanted to bring up something which was I think such a feel good article that's been going around a feel good moment, if you will, and
that is to do with Lewis Capaldi. I'm sure Britt will be so jealous because she is truly obsessed with this man, and it's to do with his performance at the Glastonbury Festival on last weekend. You may be across this, but Lewis Capaldi he has taken some time off recently, off performing because he has and suffers with Tourette syndrome. Now he also was taking time off for his own mental health that he made the commitment that he was
going to come back and perform at Glastonbury. He did that on the weekend, and halfway through his performance he stopped and said, everyone, I'm in my voice a little bit here, and by that what actually was happening was that his tics were becoming too profound for him to be able to mask them and to stop them from
coming out. He asked the audience to support him and to like sing the songs as loudly as they possibly could, to sing along with him, and there was this really beautiful moment of almost like camaraderie of the audience, this entire huge stadium lifting him up.
See. I didn't know that he had asked I didn't see in the video that he had asked them to sing, So I thought, I mean, Lewis has been really open about his turettes. He's done a Netflix documentary. I know, I also listened to an episode of him on the podcast The Diary of a CEO where he was really I know this word gets thrown around so much, but very candid about it. He kind of just was like, Hey, this is what it is, and it scares the shit out of me that this is going to get worse
as I get older. He's only like twenty six years old, like he's quite young to be at the level that he is out of stardom. I didn't realize he had indicated to the crowd that that's what was going on. I thought that they just, you know, everyone kind of knows about this. If you're watching Louie Capaldi perform, you've probably either seen the documentary or heard about it at least. So I thought the crowd kind of just like, hey,
we know what's going on. Let us be a part of this and let us like lift you.
So what he said was, I'm going to be honest everybody, but I'm starting to lose my voice up here, but we're going to keep on going and we're going to go on to the end. I just need you all to sing with me as loud as you can, if that's okay, And I just think honestly, sometimes I get on here and I have a ran, but I just thought this was such a beautiful moment. And one of
the things I loved about this. Now there's other parts we're going to unpack in a second, but one of the things I loved about this is that for me growing up, and I think when I was in my early twenties, the only reference I had to Turett syndrome at the time, the very first time it ever came into my understanding in my psyche was off the back of Juice Bigelow. I don't know if you guys even remember that movie. It was a complete comedy skit. One of the characters in the movie had Turett's and it
was making fun of the condition. And I think that was the very first time that I knew it even existed. I knew what ticks were, but I didn't know that there was actual name for having turettes. Now, to see someone who is so incredible and who is so accomplished and is so widely loved being able to stand up
there on stage and say this is me. And even though he wasn't a period of bad mental health and he was taking time off because his ticks were becoming more profound and they have been impacting his ability to perform. He still was like, I'm going to do this and wasn't able to make it through the entire show without that becoming present, and instead of him walking off or making an excuse or not, you know, actualizing it head on,
he was able to really address that. And I think it really reflects just how much platforming people who have neuroadavergencies and representation is becoming way more visible.
I think they do say that ticks for people who stuffer with tourettes, they get a lot more severe when you're in periods of like high anxiety or excitement or basically anything that would be to do with performing. It actually makes me question how much was he struggling before the whole world knew about this. That they can go up and down with the severity of them. But he's been performing for years, and I wonder how long he
actually suffered silently. Do you know what, I would be very interested to know if he kept it a secret because of record labels, because if you are signing an artist that you know is likely not going to be able to perform live shows in X amount of years because of a condition that they have no control over that there is currently no cure over. Did he keep
this quiet? I'm not saying he kept it a secret, but did he not speak about it as publicly in fear of Well, this could really impact my career because most of the money that artists make four record labels comes off of the back of live performing. And I think that's very interesting to consider. I'm not saying that
that's necessarily the case. I don't even know who he signed with, but I think it's a question that would be very interesting to ask an artist who had tarets that was more up and coming, Hey, are you going to speak about this publicly because you could risk actually not getting signed? Yeah.
And I think there would be so many reasons why people who have different neurological conditions choose to keep it to themselves. One of them is just for their own privacy. I don't think it necessarily has to be because they feel as though that their career would be impacted, although I'm not saying I do think that would absolutely be a motivating factor. But what this does is having the visibility on such a humongous scale, having someone stand out there and say I have turets, this is what I
struggle with in my life. For me, I just think about what that does for all the kids out there who have that, who struggle with that, who get bullied in school because their peers don't have the tolerance or the understanding, And I just think about what that's going to do in the long term. However, I also and I mean, let's not focus on the negatives, but I want to bring out something that you said when I
was talking to you about this Keiche. There has been this outpouring on social media on Twitter of people saying how brave he is for standing up there and doing this, how incredible it is, what a moment in time, what this is doing, and what it's going to achieve for mental health and for representation of people who have turets. You brought up a really great point on this casion. I was like, yeah, I fucking agree.
And I was a little bit.
I was literally like I don't want to ride on your parade because I was like, this is so beautiful. It almost made me cry when I first read it, because I was like, good, I'm so glad that this has happened for him, and I'm glad that the response was so positive. But you're I mean, you had a really great take on it.
Look, I do agree wholeheartedly. I think it was a beautiful display of humanity and kindness, and that's not exactly what I think it was. I think it was kindness that people were like, we recognize what's going on, let's do this together. God, I feel like such a negative Nancy saying this. Some of the comments I thought were very patronizing, Hannah, and I think that there is definitely
an element of ableism. I mean, I think a lot of the comments that were coming across social media TikTok, quit, Instagram, they were well intended, and I very much recognized that these people are thinking that they're saying something with a lot of kindness, but I think there is an element of patronizing language to it. Some examples, what he has done for awareness, he has put his career on the line. He's my hero. He gave it to go, well done.
He did not give it a go. He is a superstar. He knows exactly how to do his career.
I get what they mean. I get that they're like, this is really fucking courageous because if I were in that position, I don't know if I would do that. I don't know if I would have the courage to do that where I could potentially be in a position where I'm not able to do my job and there are millions of people watching me do that. I don't know if I'm courageous enough to do that. But I just think we've got to be really careful with the
language that we use when we talk about disability. And I mean I speak about this as someone who doesn't suffer from a disability. Some of the comments I read, I was just a bit like, Oh, I don't know how I'd feel if that was me reading that.
Well. I also think when I read them, I was like, sometimes it infantizes. Sometimes it's like you did so well, well done, so brave. And I guess the point to this is, wouldn't it be nice to get to a point in society where somebody stands up on stay Age has Turette's has an episode where there in the middle of a song and they experience ticks, and it's not
seen as brave. It's seen as that's normal, that's okay for them, and yes, maybe it falters their voice the song's not exactly how it would be on the album, all that sort of stuff, but it's not seen as bravery by representing themselves and being able to be who they are, it's still instills that there is some shame, that there is some stigma.
Completely and that's what I mean because it is a dudble edged sword. So it's like you're brave being you, but like, we don't get to the point of complete acceptance and this being normalized more words that are used way too much, but we don't get to that point unless we see videos like this, So I do understand me kind of saying there's another way that you can
view the commentary around this. It's a little bit of like stuck between a rock and a hard place, because how do we get to that point without the visibility, But we need to praise the visibility for more people to feel comfortable coming out and doing it. So it's like it's it's a kind of I just it feels a little murky to me. And I think he is so incredible. I think he is one of the best singer song that I've ever listened to. He did put
a big statement out on Instagram. I'm not going to read the whole thing because it's quite long, but if you want to check it out, it's on his Instagram at Lewis Capaldi. One of the lines and it said, Look, the fact that this probably won't come as a surprise doesn't make it any easier to write. But I'm very sorry to let you know I'm going to be taking
a break from touring for the foreseeable future. And I think it's really wonderful that, you know, he's just able to be so honest about this and say, hey, I need to prioritize my health right now, I need to take some time away. And I think that we are becoming a lot better with accepting when people prioritize their mental health over their career or their job, especially when they're as good at it as what he is.
All right, well, before we get into answering all you're deeply dark and you're burning questions. It is time for vibe and unsubscribe. And Kisha has the whole thing in her notes, so she's like so excited because it's about five hundred, but what is your top of the vibe?
Oh?
I got so many I know you We could do a whole episode on all my vibes. At the moment, I'm going to focus on traveling ones because I'm going away in two days.
It's not on spoiling episodes of TV series with people.
So sorry, more my.
Vibe is ruining other people's enjoyment of TV shows.
I'm so sorry. So I heard this packing tip from my friend Joe, who works on the bidiq podcast, and I just thought it was genius. She said, if ever you're going on a holiday with someone, you know how like since COVID, everyone's bags are getting lost. It's a thing. That's why everyone's bought air tags.
That's true. Actually, my bag's got lost when we went to Rockampton. Forgot about that.
She said, if you're traveling with anyone can be a friend, partner, a kid, whatever, put a change of clothes in the other person's bag in case one of the bags gets lost, so when you get to your destination, you'll still have something to change into. Like for me, I'm flying over to Europe. The climate's going to be really different, and so I'm gonna put some swimmers and address in tod Lauren's bag. Yeah, which does bring me to my unsubscribe. Okay,
there is more air tags are too expensive. Okay, I'm sure that if I actually looked on the internet there would be more affordable options. But I'm a basic bitch who loves Apple product, and everyone's talking about, oh, get an air tag because then if your bag gets lost, at least you can track it and you can tell them where it is. I bought them. They're fifty dollars each.
They don't even necessary.
You can't even recharge them. You have to get a battery for them, Like you know how you had a watch, like a battery and a watch. Yes, are you joking? I hope fifty dollars for a very simple GPS tracker. I'm pissed off.
Son't wait. The air tag is one that you can make a beep, right, so like if you you can't find it, you can Because like I was watching someone's TikTok recently and a woman had attached to their child and anytime they kid us running around, I was like, maybe I should get an air tag. So basically, her two children a running around the house and anytime she wanted them to come to her, she like pressed the button and it would beep and the kids would come.
And I was like this is great obedience training, and so why I would have Mom's dog.
That's full conditioning of your child that you beep it and it comes your.
Child's twenty years old and like they've been conditioned their whole life. Anytime they hear any beeping, they're like, mah, trauma responds. Anyway, apparently it's really bad. Don't do that, because apparently air tags are really easy to hack. So if somebody it, it's a whole thing. I was watching this TikTok and then he went into the comments section. I was like, that is a deep dark part of the web. Just don't put our tags in your kids.
I'm not that worried if someone tracks my bag, to be honest, although I do think it's weird like airports. This is a tangent, but stay with me. So they're so streaked on, like you got to keep your bag with you when you know you got to keep all your things on you. Any unattended baggage, call security immediately, blah blah blah. The second you get off the plane and they just popp all your bags on the thing and they're like cool, free for all, Take the.
One that's yours, Like it's only when you enter, but when you exit it's fine.
I didn't give a shit. I'm like, anyone could walk in off the street and take a bat. You could literally go to the airport and just walk into arrivals and take people's bags. Like, what, how is that a thing?
I'm sure that people do that. I'm sure that that is a thing. If you are, if you're looking for something new this winter, to the arrivals terminal at Sydney. Yeah, great suitcase. You'd always pick the expensive suitcase, wouldn't you. Yeah, yeah, all the one that's gone around a couple of times, because you know that person's definitely in the toilet. Anyway, let's get into the questions.
Okay, question number one for you laws. My partner and I have been together for almost four years and it hasn't always been perfect, but we've always managed to work through our issues. In the last four months, we have had somewhat unexpectedly, had to do long distance because of our jobs. This has uncovered some issues in the relationship that we have argued about and tried to patch up. We went away on a two week holiday and everything was great. We connected well and we spoke about the
difficulties that we had had. Now we are three weeks into doing long distance again, and my partner is being distant, not communicating well and tells me that he is unhappy and worn out by the relationship. He said he doesn't enjoy being in a long distance relationship and he doesn't like the relationship. Now as it is, we have two
more months of long distance left. Is it just the distance or does it reflect bigger issues in the relationship And if a relationship cannot survive a six month stint of long distance, is this the right relationship at all?
Okay, I feel like there's too many variables to give a solid answer to this. There's too many variables because I don't think that people like some people struggle with doing long distance and it doesn't mean that there is an issue with the relationship. Some people struggle with long distance because there is an issue with the relationship, and
it's highlighted those things. And it's really hard to give a black and white answer without knowing all of the details and knowing exactly what it is your partner's experiencing and feeling just with the long distance stuff. Okay, if I was going to say, what would I do. If I was you, I would ride out the next two months.
If you seem to be happy when you're together and everything is fine, I would just put aside that the next eight weeks are going to be quite hard, especially if he is not communicating well, not showing up in
the way that he normally does when you're together. That if you're now going to be, you know, back in the same spot and you're going to be able to give your relationship a red hot crack, I would probably give it an eight week grace period, which I know will be very, very, very very hard, because eight weeks when you're not happy is like a fucking lifetime. It really is. But I don't think that you should make any long term decisions about your relationship to resolve something
that is a short term issue. So eight weeks is a pretty short term problem, and making a definitive decision that could end the relationship, I think maybe pulling the trigger too early. But I would want to ask, like, why when you're not together. Is that when the relationship starts to unravel. Is it because there's codependency issues there? Is it because he's not consistent with his behavior? Is
it because you are not able to communicate properly. I think you have to really unpack the why is it great when you're together, and the why does everything unravel
when you're not in front of him? And is it a case that he's a bit out of sight out of mind, And if that is the reality, if he is someone who only puts his attention on people who are directly in front of him, then I would say, yeah, that's a way bigger issue in terms of how you guys are going to go long term, because what does that mean in the future if he goes away for an extended time or you have to do long distance.
Part of me thinks that a healthy relationship would have a stable foundation if you were to have to do a long distance stint. But I don't want to under sell how challenging long distance can be for so many people, and there are some relationships that really really struggle in
that but would also thrive if they were together. So I don't think that it's a black and white thing that you can just say, well, because we've done six months and it hasn't been great, maybe the relationship is not worth fighting for.
I actually feel exactly the same in the sense that I don't think that it's necessarily a deal breaker because I think a lot of people, you know, depending on what your love languages are or how you actually feel loved in a relationship, a lot of people require that physical touch. They require that close physical connection.
Absolutely, especially if it's how you feel loved.
And also if you've been together for four years, that's how you guys have grown together, like you've actually gotten used to that, and so all of a sudden, you're kind of expecting that your relationship will have this very
very very different dynamic but remain the same. So I think the only thing that you might need to question is like it sounds a little bit like he's not prioritizing communication while you're separated, and he probably just assumes it's going to be as easy as when you're actually together, which it's not. Like when you're in a long distance relationship, you really have to carve out that time to FaceTime to check in on the other person and to make
sure that connection stays there. I think in my own life, there are certain people that I would have been able to be in distance relationships before and have been, and then there are certain people that I just wouldn't it wouldn't thrive in that way. But that doesn't mean that that person is, you know, a worst partner. I just think that that's the dynamic of for the relationship. So
I agree. I reckon if you feel like you're able to stick it out for the two months and just say, look, there is an end date on this, let's give it a go, and like, let's just keep trucking along and then when things go back to normal, how are used to it? You can reassess how you feel then totally.
And I think if he's you know, if you're back together and then he's still saying, ah, I don't feel the same because the long distance has changed things. Yeah, than massive red flag. I believe the things that he's saying to you. But if you're able to do that eight weeks, be back in the same place together and be together and things click back into the way they were your four year relationship, then I think that that's a pretty clear indication that you guys are great together,
you're just not great at long distance. But I think that there's way more things to ask yourself as well, like what are the jobs that you're doing? Are you guys working different hours. Is he working crazy long hours and therefore doesn't have the time or the energy to be able to put into the relationship that he normally would.
Are you really insecure when he's not there? So you're seeking a lot more validation that you wouldn't normally have to seek if you had a bit more clarity over where he was, what he was doing when you're actually
living together. There's so many things that can make us feel insecure when we had this dynamic shift in our relationship and one person is physically away, because you know, when they're in your company and they're in your life every day, there's more stability and there's more safety, And so I wonder, like what that's doing for you if you have some codependency issues and stuff is there as well.
Just because some people are great and can manage long distance and some people can't, doesn't mean that their relationship is completely going to unravel and that they shouldn't be with that person.
This actually reminds me of something that doctor Ali Walker spoke about when you Guys interviewed her about connection types, and she said that with her girlfriends, you know, they chat all day long, but with her partner, like their time together that she values the most is that kind of quiet time where they're just in each other's presence. And I feel as though that could be a little
bit of what's going on here. I think in general, like, and this is a bit of a stereotype, but men tend to not be as good communicators as what women do. It's just the way that we're kind of conditioned. Like, you know, we could pick up laur You and I could pick up the phone and talk to each other for an hour on the phone, and they'd be like.
Why did I call you again? We're always the supposed to be talking about I had something to ask you about work, but I fucking can't remember. But they do know what happened on Black whatever it was called.
I just think that, you know, we kind of because we can get used to having these connections with our girlfriends, it doesn't necessarily mean that our romantic partners are going to have that same level of communication.
Totally. The only thing I do want to say is like he's saying he can't get over the trauma from the past four months. What the fuck happened? Like, what did you guys do in this long distance relationship? I mean, have you been arguing the whole time. Has it been a case where you just can't see eye to eye on things? I don't know. I mean, it is very possible that this is the start of some big red flags, especially if he's not able to move past the long distance.
But I think the only thing you can do in this instance is give yourself eight more weeks and then reassess. I think trying to make an assessment now when you're still in the middle of this swamp is just is gonna be bad for everyone.
I agree, all right.
Question number two? All right, Kigi, I have one for you, and this one have a lot of feelings about it. Should I be concerned if my new partner tells me that he experimented with his sexuality when he was younger, but claims he has quote unquote I ordered it out and is now into women. Note I am not attracted to bisexual people, and it puts me off a bit. There's some feelings.
Firstly, I just want to say that using the term sorted it out when you talk about sexuality is hugely problematic. But I want to talk about this a little bit more as a concept. And last night, when I was reading through these questions, I actually really questioned whether I was going to share this story completely honestly, because it's something that I feel quite a deep sense of shame
for of how I initially reacted in the situation. But I'm going to tell it, and I would ask that you listen to the end before you make judgment of me. When I was in my mid twenties, I was dating a guy. It was going great. A couple of weeks in and I found out that he had also experimented with men in his past. I don't know whether he was actually in a relationship with them, but I found
out that it was. There was like sexual exploration. And MY initial reaction to that was very similar to yours, and I found it a bit weird, and I had to kind of sit and think about the fact that I found it a bit icky. And the reason I feel quite a lot of shame about that is because I have learnt over the last you know, years, And it was actually from a friend who called me out at the time, and I'm really glad that she did. This was that what that actually was was some pretty
deeply seated internalized homophobia. Yeah, and I think that this actually exists a lot more than what we may realize. Because if someone had come to me at that time and said, are you a homophobic person? I would have been like, absolutely not. Gay people live your best life, like, of course I'm not homophobic. But when it came to my own situation, I felt uncomfortable about being with a man who had been with another man, and that, by definition, is homophobic. And I sat on this and I thought
about it for a really long time. And I think that for myself, I grew up in a pretty conservative Pentecostal Christian environment and those value were instilled in me, and I didn't realize that I actually hadn't grown past those values being quite deep in my psyche. I think that as we grew up, like I remember being in high school, even in primary school, and people to tell you things like, oh, that's so gay, like oh look those guys interacting me to each other, that are so gay.
And it wasn't until this moment in my mid twenties where I really had to hold a mirror up to myself and go, why do I have a problem with this? Because I don't care who or how many women he has been with. Why do I care about this, and
I course corrected. I didn't break up with the guy, like we kept seeing each other for months, but it was something that I really thought about for a long time because I thought, Wow, I didn't even realize I would have considered myself a pretty progressive person, and I didn't realize that I had that inside of me, this kind of like biphobia homophobia that was like almost like a hangover from values that we had been brought up with.
I think the reality, though, is that so many people don't know how they would react to something until they put into that situation. And this is something that I was having conversation with a girlfriend about recently, and we were talking about it in terms of sex work, and I know, like we've spoken about it so much on the podcast, sex work is real work. It is not something to be ashamed of. And then my friend brought up, well, what would you say if male and Lola turned around
and said that they wanted to be sex workers? And I was like, wow, that really challenges It challenges my thoughts, and I'm really glad that that was brought up because I was like, would it change the way I feel about them? Absolutely not, But it definitely made me consider my internal thoughts and my internal bias is a little
bit more. And I just firstly want to say, like you sharing that cache, I understand your reservations, and I think the one thing you can be so proud of is to know that when you felt those feelings, that you then course corrected and thought, Okay, well why and where does this come from? Instead of just being like, I'm not attracted to bisexual people. Because I think that there's this like really great misconception that if you're bisexual
you can't be monogamous. Because you can't then you can't be in love with one person and choose that one person for you know, the rest of however long you want to be with them, because you'll have this desire and unfulfilled urge for someone else. And that is just so monumentally wrong, because I mean, you can be heterosexual and be monogamous to one person. You can be heterosexual and be absolutely fucking useless at monogamy. We've all experienced
those people. And you can be bisexual and still be able to be that. And so I think it's so important to remember that just because somebody has a past, it doesn't mean that it's going to impact their future with you, and it also doesn't impact their sexual experiences with you either. It is literally just their past.
It's interesting that that is exactly what you brought up because the friend that called me out on it at the time is bisexuals she's female, and I had initially said, well, the reason I don't want to be with someone who's bisexual is because I will never be able to fulfill all of their desires.
What an insecurity that is? You know you won't be able to be enough. I mean you may not be enough as being a heterosexual. With a heterosexual, they might want things that you don't want as well.
Of course, you can never be everything to someone totally. And she was like, that's not how it works. If you are if you're bisexual and you're in a monogamous relationship, you're committing to that person. It really was an awakening moment for me, and the reason I wanted to talk about this is because I hope that right now I can be that person for you, because I think that in general, we are comfortable, or we've even bring condition to think that it's like sexy and hot to have
female female bisexual interactions. But when the shoe is on the other foot and it's a heterosexual woman looking at a male who has experienced male male interactions, I think that we still feel uncomfortable about it. And I really think that we have such a huge way to go
in that sense. And the reason like, I don't want to come down hard on you and be like you're being homophobic, because, like I just said, I actually experienced this exact same thing myself, So I don't want you to feel as though I'm kind of like pointing at you and being like you're a fucking terrible person. I actually that we grew up with these values and we just have them as a hangover now, but we need to talk about it in order to actually move past them.
I mean ultimately. And I think it's a good one to ask yourself if you've ever been in a situation, and if you've ever, I mean, even if you haven't been in the situation and you've just thought, oh, I wouldn't want to be with a guy who's been with a guy. It's such an incredibly judgmental way to approach a relationship with someone. And I mean, yes, it is okay for everyone to have types and for people to pick and choose what they want sexually with their partners.
I'm not saying that you are supposed to be attracted to everyone. We know that that's not the case. But if somebody is coming to you and you are attracted to them, and you are in a relationship with them, and you do want to be with them, and the only thing that's turned you off them is the fact that they had or done something in the past that is completely consensual that shouldn't be deemed as shameful, and
that we should be way more accepting of. I think that says a lot more about your internal biases and your internal judgment than what it does about that other person and that other person's ability to be in the relationship or to be committed to the relationships. I think that that's like a really good take.
Home I think what you need to do in this is you just need to sit and think about it and think about maybe where these values have come from. Because for me, that was actually something that made a lot of sense to me. I was like, oh, actually, I kind of get why I feel this way. I just didn't realize that I hadn't undone some of that kind of messaging that was put into me as a kid. So yeah, look, you've got some sitting and thinking and holding a mirror up to yourself to do. But don't
stop seeing this guy like you've said. Should I be concerned?
No? No easy answer. Okay. This last question comes off the back of something that we spoke about last week. We spoke about a bride who had specifically asked her friends, not her bridesmaids. She'd asked her friends to organize the hens for her. However, her friends were not invited to her wedding and they were not bridesmaids. She had a
really small wedding. No one came except for like close family and friends, but she created a Facebook group where she asked other people to organize the hens for her and also gave them really specific rules. It was wild. This question came off the back of that. Okay, is it weird to want to organize your own hands. I have a bridesmaid who I love and I can't wait to do all the wedding things together with her and also party, But I also want to be in control of what we do for my hens. Am I a
control freak? Or is it okay? If I just organize my own hands and don't ask her.
Are you a control freak? Yes? Is it okay? Absolutely? You are the dream of people like me.
People don't want to organize hens. It sucks. It's so bad.
Do you know how stressful it is to put the down payment on accommodation and wait for people to trickle in with their payments.
Yes, unless you are somebody who fucking loves a spreadsheet, it is the worst job to do. My poor sister, she did such a good job of my hands. She did a phenomenal job of your hens. Loves organizing, loves a spreadsheet, that girl, though. But I think you're actually doing your friends a favor if you want it all, organize your own hands. If you're going to take that job and you're going to be like, look, I want you to be there. I want you to do all the wedding stuff, but I want to plan my hands
and you just have to show up and party. That literally sounds like every bridesmaid's dream, every single one.
I'm laughing because often when these situations come up between you, Britain and myself, we have personality traits that, surprise, surprise, are in common and none of us are like type A people. So the only way that I feel like this could backfire is if your bride'smaids are type A people and they want that control. They want to surprise you, and they want to kind of prove that they can throw the best surprise hens ever. But if they're not like that, if they're like Laura and me, you are
doing like you're doing us a service. Can tell you how I would bow down to you and be like, thank you for alleviating me of this pressure and this responsibility.
Also, I'm like, I'm going to organize your hens two weeks before the event kind of goal. So like, if you want someone to organize it and have it done, well do it yourself. Like isn't that the saying if you want someone to do a job, well do it yourself. Yeah, And I think that that's okay in this instance. I truly look, I mean, is everyone going to be happy with it? No? But if you're inviting Keisha and I were going to be fucking thrilled.
I wonder if maybe the girl from last week who had asked her friends who.
Maybe she should have organized her own.
She should have organized her own.
If you're going to have a wedding and not invite anyone to it. I think it is your prerogative, Like it's your job to organize the party that people can then come to and celebrate. Do you know what? Okay, just going back to the one last week I was thinking about it, do you know what she's basically doing. She's like, I had a wedding, it was very little, no one was invited. She saved all her money, but she still wanted to have like the big engagement party.
But she's just dressed it up as a hens and being like, you organize it and you pay for it. She's getting you to pay for her wedding. That's pretty much what this is. You're paying for her wedding party.
The only thing about that situation last week that I was like, oh, this could be the an exception to the rule. Remember when COVID weddings had like five or ten people, Yeah, that was shit. If it was because of that, if it was like, hey, we eloped because actually our family hate each other and we didn't want there to be arguments at the wedding. That's why there was only ten people. Organize the hands yourself, Yeah, organize it yourself. But so cod weddings were like two years ago.
Now there's been a lot of time to have your wedding. I think like, maybe just be honest about that. Maybe don't not say anything about the reasons why they weren't invited. Maybe give them a little context and they would be a bit more understanding.
Communication and context. I really do feel like it's the end of every single answer. We're always like, just communicate and it will be better. How well, we haven't told you that, but we just tell you to do it anyway. Guys. That is pretty much it from us. We have some amazing episodes coming out next week, even though we're going to be on a little VAKA. We have an episode
with our arch nemesis, Jesse Stevens, who we love. Jesse is joining us on the pod and she's talking about something that's really I mean, it's something we wanted to an episode on for a really long time and something that's very important to her, and that's vaginismus, because she struggled with vaginismus throughout her entire adolescence, throughout her early twenties, and she speaks about a really traumatic moment actually of sexual violence that she experienced and that had a real
impact on her vaginismus and how she overcame it through therapy and also through her new relationship, and she's just amazing. We love her. Jesse Stevens from Mma MEA, even though we want to beat them in the podcast towards I.
Absolutely love Jesse, But vaginismus was actually something that I suffered with in my earlier twenties, and for very different reasons to Jesse, Like I actually still to this day, I'm like, I have no idea what brought that on.
I was in a long term relationship. But something about it that I think a lot of women feel a lot of shame about is that it actually really affected our sex life because I was in a lot of pain when we were having sex, and that made him not want to do that because he loved me and he didn't want me to be in pain, and so like, our sex life was really affected by it. Anyway, Jesse goes into so much more detail and she articulates it much better than I could.
And I guess the reason why it's an episode that I think everyone will benefit from is because even though not everybody experiences it, one in three women will experience it in their lifetime, and so I think having an understanding of what your friends or your sister or somebody who is a vagina owner is going to go through just gives you so much more ability to have empathy for that. But that's coming out on Tuesday, and you guys know the drill.
Tell your mom, tell you dad, tell your dog, tell your friends just as well. So good now we miss herding. I love her. Tell your mom, tell your dad, tell you dog, tell your friends, and share the love, Okay.
Or you can just go on like review, subscribe all that stuff we love.
Let's go paridays. The Baba were named the Kaabaa